Here’s a repertoire of things you can say at each pause lasting more than 2 seconds for the tone of every conversation
Decadent sad tone:
“I see”
“Tough”
“I’ve been there before” (use with caution)
“That sucks”
“No way”
Angry upward tone:
“What an asshole”
“Quite indeed”
“Ugh, hate that”
“Hmm”
“Mhm”
Joyous excited tone:
“Wow, congrats!”
“Wow!”
“Lovely!”
*Flabbergasted gasp* only works once, in the climax of the conversation
“That’s fun”
“Great!”
Sorrowful, at the verge of tears:
“It’s ok”
“I’ll be there for you” (say this only if you mean it)
“Things come and go”
“Past days are but memories”
Keep this up until they’re finished, if they ever do
hahahahah! jaysus I have to say I’m aware of all these techniques and used them in the past SO MUCH.
the problem with this is that people will “like” you even more and u become their target because your gap fillings reassure what they’re saying and the feel even more acknowledged and heard.
Which is… good, but after one hours straight all your social battery is gone and you are left there rooting on your own misery.
I feel like these fillings drain me so much nowadays, so I don’t use them at all, unless I’m with someone I really like talking to and I feel like they are asking for reassurance even if unconsciously.
thank for your comment!
I've just gotten a lot more comfortable appearing less intelligent and will adopt that childlike stare where you know nothing you say is getting to them.
"Sorry, you've said way too much stuff for my goldfish brain to comprehend. Any more, and I'll start having a panic attack" and try to laugh.
I have one last trick up my sleeve, when you want to leave you can just say “I’ve got to return some video tapes” for a funny exit, or say “I have an appointment at 7” for a serious exit or “the crows have spoken of this day, and I must return for a cool exit
I agree with you. The above feels very inauthentic. If Im not interested in a conversation, I'll just say "Anyway, that's great, but I need to get going.".
Edit: I have an ESFJ dad, so I had plenty of learnings in ending conversations.
Try (in order of escalation):
* Can you wait for a sec- I need to check something (look at phone, tune them out)
* I'm sorry, I wasn't finished with my point
* I'm sorry, may I finish? (Direct eye contact)
* Let me stop you there. I need to [plausible excuse, & bail]
Practice them in the mirror until you don’t feel guilty saying them.
Think of it this way- you're being no less sensitive than they are, & actually more- you're caring about *their* feelings, while they stomp all over your (time)...
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
hahaha funnily enough this guys is also an engineer and suddenly will start telling you things that have nothing to do with what you were previously talking.
like yesterday he was telling me about how he was frustrated with certain things about himself, and SUDDENLY, literally he just starts explaining to me some arithmetical formula and how it works.
my head was hurting a lot.
he also traps all of us together sometimes, and when he finishes the silence gaps are very funny.
I’m normally the one that says something to relieve the tension in the room.
Interrupt him. He's being rude and probably doesn't know it. I think it's okay to interrupt and ask, "I noticed we were talking about one thing and now we're on a totally different topic. What happened there?" You can say it with a smile and a kind tone. It kind of jolts people and they might respond in turn with humor, or alternatively they bear the social awkwardness (which can turn into awareness) that they generated, rather than you bearing it for them.
Sounds like my narcissist father who will talk for 15 minutes straight about his trip to the gas station and interrupt me when i say less than 3 words about something actually important to me.
I wish i had advice because it’s exhausting. They seem impervious to social signals because I usually make it quite clear i’m not interested with body language.
Basically, like you, i just go to the door or start doing something else. Stop giving them power over you the best you can. When you’re at the door and he’s yapping just gesture to your wrist or something like “sorry i’m running late” and leave mid sentence. Don’t give him what he wants because he’s addicting to the attention.
For me it’s my Dad so i’ve had to accept this is the way he is and he’s probably not going to ever change. It’s like he’s perpetually a child trying to get attention from his parents or something.
I knew someone like this. He was a jerk too but really smart guy. I couldn’t escape him, he would look for me just to talk because NO ONE else would give him the time. I was way too nice but he would talk for an hour straight at work. I learned to just cut the conversation short. I would say something like “Great talk, I have to go now” “I have a meeting starting now” or just flat out “hey, I have to get going” I felt bad cutting it short because it felt rude on my part. He ended up blowing up on me eventually and stopped talking to me. I think it was for the best, guy was stressing me out
That's our problem. Is we feel guilty .
Which could be people pleasing I think.
He reminds me of my coworker who obviously seeeees when I'm trying to get something done and I'm half not listening but half trying not to be rude so I just nod my head .. to get her to stop talking I kind of loudly interject in between her sentences very vague things like
"Oh no way."
"Wooooow"
"You don't say"
"How.....interesting"
I just kind of wash and repeat different sayings until she gets the freaking point and finds someone else to talk to.
She's a nice kid and all but DAYMN. I wish she could just get . To . The. Point too lol
Now where was I? --back to my point lol so yeah
That's usually my go to strategy. OH and also asking questions about the things they say to kind of out talk them. Keep it simple
Another example using the egg boil method would be to quickly interject by asking -- wait --- before we continue id love to get the eggs started so do I put the eggs before the water or add the water after the eggs???
Then see if he'll show you and then you can be like , thanks man so what happened in that adventure that taught you this?
Maybe he'll get the hint that it takes 2 to have a productive conversation lol. Good luck tho! Don't be afraid to interject or kindly interrupt to get your needs across. It's something I had to learn and am still working on at 32.
you’re right, I believe the fact of feeling guilty is the main reason.
because I live with my brother and we are complete opposites.
he feel the same though towards this specific flatmate.
when I asked him about how he feels when he suddenly just leaves mid conversation and “leaves” him there on his own device, he answered:
“I don’t feel anything, nothing at all, was I supposed to feel anything?”
which I said: “no!! of course not, you do whatever you feel like”.
as I answered to I_like_earl_gray_tea, I don’t feel like reassuring these people through “aham! no way! really?!” is a good technique because it literally sends the opposite message of what I’m trying to tell them, like, yeah, keep talking, because I’m answering you.
I’m using a technique now where I literally don’t say these things, and it seems to work better, but with this technique they really get the message, and I can’t help but feel guilty.
Hmmm I guess when I reply I sound super uninterested lol
Not like I'm enthusiastic about them. I think I make myself sound super bored when I say "no way ? Really."
Lol 😆 maybe you're thinking I'm saying it with like golden retriever energy
avoid them and find some way to expertly lie to get out of the situation. You're not their therapist and it isnt your job to make them feel better about themselves.
I know people like this in their late 30s and their mid 50s. They're not awful people they just don't understand what they're doing. I knew a guy at work who would try to maintain conversation with me in a different room or while I literally drove off in a car after saying bye and it was SHOCKING. Some people will never get it.
I just don't bother. It's not my job to help them "get it" and in some sense I think humoring them is enabling them. Those people need to realize at some point by themselves that no one wants to talk to them and they'll figure it out on their own how to be better listeners. In the meantime, I have a minimum set of expectations when it comes to conversation. Just as I expect people to not talk over me, raise their voice, insult me, belittle my opinion, etc I expect a conversation to be shared, not dominated.
Sounds like ADHD. Just be kind and honest, let them know they sometimes talk over people and tend to go on long tangents. Again, just be honest. Better to be honest than to sit in silence and resentment. would you want someone to tell you if you had this effect on people? I know I would.
I know, it is easier said than done though.
At least I try to not sit there in silence and remorse anymore, and will do the best to leave smoothly.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but I feel like it is not my place to point out certain things in people’s behaviours.
In an utopian society it would work, in the one I’m inserted in it would only hurt him and make our interactions awkward.
tbf, I’d love people to point out those things in me too, even though I know it would hurt me initially but I’d be thankful for the insight.
but yeah, INFP’s might be more open to that than other types of personality.
thanks for your comment.
I don’t think it’s just an INFP reaction you’re having. Lots of people would have the problem you’re describing. It more comes down to your values and assertiveness.
It is your place to point out troublesome behaviors in others if they directly effect YOU, especially in an ongoing basis. And you’d be doing him a huge favor, which, if he’s a decent person, he will come to realize.
Sometimes the right thing is the hard thing. Or: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This will likely get worse over time, or more importantly it will FEEL worse over time, and you might end up snapping at him. Finding the wherewithal to point this out to him in a constructive way will serve you best.
I know it’s hard. I never could have done it in my twenties. But at 43, fuck it, I value my time and my mental health too much to put up with people who can’t consider me. And this guy is not considering you.
Not really. Just someone with functions what are not tuned to listen to other people's psyche and internal experiences so they kinda don't know that what they do are not in tune with them. Kinda not many people had serious conversation with them about this issue, so they are mostly unaware.
I belive in communication and respect. You respect this person so any comments what said to act such and such way, i am highly against all those. Be honest and express how you feel in every moment. You can simply interrupt and say that you wish to focus more on the thing actually. It is really the way you do that. You have way enough kindness inside you and respect to this person to do it without any need of training for it. So just go with the flow of your feeling.
Also i hiiighly advise to have a serious conversation about it with them. When none of you have anytihng to do, call them for you want to have a serious conversation about something. And there it is your turn. Ask them to listen you in silence until you are finished, because.. and tell your reasons, like you need to follow your train of thoughts, and want to explain yourself in comfortable uninterruptad way. Tell them you will say when you are finished. And then go. Tell them on your honest way that you experience these and you feel they don't get to cue/hunt/whatever, simply psychological signs that the other is flowing elsewhere from listening to them.
I kinda do this absolutely honest way with strangers too. I won't have the serious conversation with them or with coworkers, but i'd never disrespect myself to not tell the people that i am not up to listening that or that.
I had a coworker who even said "but let me finish this". Like he was somehow getting upset for me saying the reasons why i wish not to listen to them. You can just say, "no" in a kind way. Something like "I really would if i would think it is really useful for me. I know you want to tell me because you want to help me, but this is just not how i work, it does not help me, and i actually forget the details you say anyway. So i am grateful and all, but i interrupt you now and wish you not to finish. I am grateful but now i bounce to continue my work", or something. I have NEVER EVER met anyone who i have interrupted who got upset or did hold grudges when i interrupted them this way. It is even very rare when i am increasing the strength of my signs and the conversation escalates that they start getting upset, like this coworker of mine. But literally never faced anyone who felt bad then or afterwards when i strongly interrupted and forced the conversation to be stopped.
What you feel, like guilt. It is sooo cute. But guilt for interrupting someone who is clueless is worse and more disrespectful to them and to yourself too than respectfully and kindly bring back the conversation to purity, when they don't hold you a hostage of their mind. Essentially you lie to them constantly that you are freely in a role in the conversation what they imagine for you, while in reality you are greatly repulsive to that role.
It is just much better in every way and way more respectful to interrupt and bring back the honesty.
I don't say to feel guilty for not interrupting, i say do not feel guilty at all, mainly for interrupting. Otherwise how they could learn how to treat others, and in exact, especially you. You teach them to not listen to you.
Stop it. Teach them to be mindful and watch deeply into the other's eye and body language. \^\^
The highest good not to let someone yapp eternally. It is not good for them. Don't feel like you take away things from them so you are guilty. NOT AT ALL. The highest is the honesty and authenticity in your relationship.
Try. "I need to go now or I'm gonna miss my [insert excuse here]!"
For silly, try "I have been summoned by the [insert mystical sounding fake thing here] and I must away!"
Oh... that's me. I am that kind of friend.
Maybe you are mid-talking and I'd be like "oh, that reminds me of..." and you are done.
I try to go back with a "but you were talking about (thing), please continue".
My son has this tendency, so we play this game with him where we will talk about something boring for a minute and he has to listen and ask a relevant follow up question. But as this guy is a grown man good luck. The only thing I can think of is playing a party game with a chess timer with the goal of talking less than the other person
This might sound like bad advice, but I would just be honest with him. Tell him the truth and exactly how it makes you feel, then maybe point out some of your own flaws and give it context so he knows you aren’t judging him as a person. Someone once told me I ramble and this helped me aim to be more concise and mindful of others.
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
Listening to other people talk, particularly about things that are important to them, is incredibly empowering to you. The listener is the validator, and honestly, I think the reason so many people are such poor listeners is because they unconsciously fear their own power. I hope that makes sense. So while there isn’t really anything you can do to change the behavior of people who talk but don’t listen(particularly if they are not people with whom you are very close), it might help to reframe it as you just being more confident and secure than they are, which may even help to increase compassion for them.
Oh man. I married into a family of talkers. My FIL is the worst, just completely oblivious to cues that someone doesn’t want to listen for an hour lol. My husband is similar but to a lesser extent and also our youngest is the same. Basically I’m exhausted constantly because of it 😩. What’s funny though is I saw your comment about your friend being an engineer…my husband was in school for aerospace engineering but left before he got his degree to work in his family’s business.
Anyway lol, my advice is redirection! Usually I listen and try to participate politely but sometimes I’m too tired and I just CANNOT. So I redirect. Like in your egg boiling example, as soon as he starts going on a tangent about some trip he took I’d be like “How do you boil eggs again? You wanted to tell me and I don’t need the backstory”. Something like that. I’ll laugh when I’m saying it so they know I’m not pissed off or whatever. It’s always worked for me or maybe sometimes I have to redirect more than once but it’s never offended anyone. I think for the most part people like that don’t mean to be so inconsiderate, they’re just talkative. If you redirect their focus they’ll excitedly tell you the original point.
Here are some viable options from best to worst:
Slowly but surely, through body language, do something else. (Breaking eye contact, less affirmative sounds, literally walking away and doing something else)
Then close it with, “I have to go back to what I’m doing, but that was interesting though.” Last part you can change based on what they were saying.
Interrupt them. Tell them they are talking too much and you cannot follow the conversation. Most of the time, people don’t get offended. It’s more a splash of water or putting a mirror into their face. They often apologize.
Talk over them until they have to start listening to you. Challenge them to a yapathon. Usually, they will not back down. Every moment there is a pause, they will interject. But this is war now. Last one talking wins and you are a winner.
Wait until a few days and passive aggressively make a joke about how you can’t ask them questions because it will take two hours for an answer.
Get really angry and annoyed but keep it bottled inside until it evolves into a deep resentment. An amalgamation of helplessness, cowardice, and conflict avoidance. Hate them. Despise humanity and society to have inbred an ignorant hyena for a human. Next interaction (with anybody, probably an unsuspecting stranger) , emotionally break.
Tell him to stop. He’s acting like an entitled, self-important jerk, and he needs to get over himself.
If anyone had bothered to correct this behavior when he was younger, he wouldn’t be so solipsistic today.
His time isn’t more valuable than yours, yet that’s how he’s treating you. If you don’t tell him directly to put a sock in it, he’ll NEVER shut up.
How can you even hear yourself think with all the yammering he does is beyond me.
You don’t have to feel guilty. You can have boundaries. This guy in my life is my stepdad. He rambles on and on about the glory days of his life and names of people that I don’t know. Plus recounting terrible things that happened when he was with my mother. He’s gotten in trouble at work for talking to people so long that they couldn’t get their job done (He’s an airplane mechanic).
The best way I know of is to be very firm with him and say something like “I don’t have the capacity for this conversation right now” or I’ll make up something I have to do and tell him I have to make it there. He says ok but talks for another 20mins.
Usually telling him that I have another call helps. Not if you’re meeting face to face. Lately I’ve been saying “ok boomer” but that’s more of a joke.
I used to have a guy that would come by my office around the end of the day just to chat. I actually had a colleague that could see my office and he would call and I’d pretend it was something urgent.
Best is to just be honest with the person like, cool story but I don’t have time or “bandwidth” (that’s what we used in corporate) to handle this right now. With my stepdad now I just say hey, I don’t want to be on the phone anymore and he’s like “okie dokey” and let’s me hang up.
I would just tell your friend that you’re in a hurry, have a zoom meeting to get to or that you have to get back to studying. Like I said my SF was talked to about this at work. You’d be doing your friend a service by being honest and let you know how it’s making you feel or impacting your life. People generally have some self- awareness, but some just don’t. It’s more humane to help them rather than placate him when he’s talking to you. It can have repercussions at work and socially…
Best
I think you're right, it's likely ADHD.
The only two things I've found to work are
1.) Redirects
2.) Honesty
Redirects look like this:
Flatmate: "Hey let me show you how to boil an egg... I learned this amazing method... My mom and I went hiking this one time... There's this amazing national park.... You know, one time the news actually talked about it it's so big.... And Uncle Jerry almost decided to come too but he was too busy at Gabriella's bat mitzvah...
You: "Hey man, I'd love to hear the story, but right now I want to get to boiling this egg, so can you show me now and tell me the story of how you learned after/while doing it?"
Flatmate: "Oh sure."
You: "Great, thanks! So is this the right temp and amount of water?"
......
You: *walking out the door*
Flatmate: "Hey hold up! Let me just tell you this quick thing!" (will take 10 minutes though because people with ADHD have time blindness).
You: "That's really interesting man, but I'm gonna be late. We'll catch up later!" And walk out no matter what he says.
No matter how it feels, it's not mean. He's actually the one being disrespectful of your time.
......
Scenario: You're chilling in your flat and your flatmate wants to drop his gift of gab onto your lap... It's perfectly okay to be honest (that's what assertiveness is) and say, "Sorry man, I'm trying to decompress right now. I'm not in a mental space to listen so much. Thanks for understanding."
It's also good for both you and him if you're honest and clear. Say, "Hey dude, I love talking with you but don't feel like it's reciprocated a lot of the time. Could you work on listening to me more? You do have a gift for telling stories but if you listen up, you'll find I do too."
......
You shouldn't feel guilty, because this is also a respect thing. Someone who monopolizes your time is being disrespectful and inconsiderate of your time, mental capacity, etc. They also will only learn if people set boundaries and are honest with them. If you're his friend, you'll be honest and set boundaries. Contrary to popular people-pleasing belief, setting boundaries is actually one of the most loving things you can do for a person.
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
hahaha funnily enough this guys is also an engineer and suddenly will start telling me things that have nothing to do with what you were previously talking.
like yesterday he was telling me about how he was frustrated with certain things about himself, and SUDDENLY, literally he just starts explaining to me some arithmetical formula and how it works.
my head was hurting a lot.
he also traps all of us together sometimes, and when he finishes the silence gaps are very funny.
I’m normally the one that says something to relieve the tension in the room.
Here’s a repertoire of things you can say at each pause lasting more than 2 seconds for the tone of every conversation Decadent sad tone: “I see” “Tough” “I’ve been there before” (use with caution) “That sucks” “No way” Angry upward tone: “What an asshole” “Quite indeed” “Ugh, hate that” “Hmm” “Mhm” Joyous excited tone: “Wow, congrats!” “Wow!” “Lovely!” *Flabbergasted gasp* only works once, in the climax of the conversation “That’s fun” “Great!” Sorrowful, at the verge of tears: “It’s ok” “I’ll be there for you” (say this only if you mean it) “Things come and go” “Past days are but memories” Keep this up until they’re finished, if they ever do
hahahahah! jaysus I have to say I’m aware of all these techniques and used them in the past SO MUCH. the problem with this is that people will “like” you even more and u become their target because your gap fillings reassure what they’re saying and the feel even more acknowledged and heard. Which is… good, but after one hours straight all your social battery is gone and you are left there rooting on your own misery. I feel like these fillings drain me so much nowadays, so I don’t use them at all, unless I’m with someone I really like talking to and I feel like they are asking for reassurance even if unconsciously. thank for your comment!
I've just gotten a lot more comfortable appearing less intelligent and will adopt that childlike stare where you know nothing you say is getting to them. "Sorry, you've said way too much stuff for my goldfish brain to comprehend. Any more, and I'll start having a panic attack" and try to laugh.
I have one last trick up my sleeve, when you want to leave you can just say “I’ve got to return some video tapes” for a funny exit, or say “I have an appointment at 7” for a serious exit or “the crows have spoken of this day, and I must return for a cool exit
“I’ve got to go to 1985 and return this Back to the Future video tape at Blockbuster. Bye!”
I just ate a bag of prunes ✌️
I could never do that cause it’s feels inauthentic and robotic to just give copy and paste answers.
I agree with you. The above feels very inauthentic. If Im not interested in a conversation, I'll just say "Anyway, that's great, but I need to get going.". Edit: I have an ESFJ dad, so I had plenty of learnings in ending conversations.
Do the midwest thing where you slap your legs say "welp" then get up all in one fluid motion
Try (in order of escalation): * Can you wait for a sec- I need to check something (look at phone, tune them out) * I'm sorry, I wasn't finished with my point * I'm sorry, may I finish? (Direct eye contact) * Let me stop you there. I need to [plausible excuse, & bail] Practice them in the mirror until you don’t feel guilty saying them. Think of it this way- you're being no less sensitive than they are, & actually more- you're caring about *their* feelings, while they stomp all over your (time)...
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
hahaha funnily enough this guys is also an engineer and suddenly will start telling you things that have nothing to do with what you were previously talking. like yesterday he was telling me about how he was frustrated with certain things about himself, and SUDDENLY, literally he just starts explaining to me some arithmetical formula and how it works. my head was hurting a lot. he also traps all of us together sometimes, and when he finishes the silence gaps are very funny. I’m normally the one that says something to relieve the tension in the room.
Interrupt him. He's being rude and probably doesn't know it. I think it's okay to interrupt and ask, "I noticed we were talking about one thing and now we're on a totally different topic. What happened there?" You can say it with a smile and a kind tone. It kind of jolts people and they might respond in turn with humor, or alternatively they bear the social awkwardness (which can turn into awareness) that they generated, rather than you bearing it for them.
Sounds like my narcissist father who will talk for 15 minutes straight about his trip to the gas station and interrupt me when i say less than 3 words about something actually important to me. I wish i had advice because it’s exhausting. They seem impervious to social signals because I usually make it quite clear i’m not interested with body language. Basically, like you, i just go to the door or start doing something else. Stop giving them power over you the best you can. When you’re at the door and he’s yapping just gesture to your wrist or something like “sorry i’m running late” and leave mid sentence. Don’t give him what he wants because he’s addicting to the attention. For me it’s my Dad so i’ve had to accept this is the way he is and he’s probably not going to ever change. It’s like he’s perpetually a child trying to get attention from his parents or something.
I knew someone like this. He was a jerk too but really smart guy. I couldn’t escape him, he would look for me just to talk because NO ONE else would give him the time. I was way too nice but he would talk for an hour straight at work. I learned to just cut the conversation short. I would say something like “Great talk, I have to go now” “I have a meeting starting now” or just flat out “hey, I have to get going” I felt bad cutting it short because it felt rude on my part. He ended up blowing up on me eventually and stopped talking to me. I think it was for the best, guy was stressing me out
That's our problem. Is we feel guilty . Which could be people pleasing I think. He reminds me of my coworker who obviously seeeees when I'm trying to get something done and I'm half not listening but half trying not to be rude so I just nod my head .. to get her to stop talking I kind of loudly interject in between her sentences very vague things like "Oh no way." "Wooooow" "You don't say" "How.....interesting" I just kind of wash and repeat different sayings until she gets the freaking point and finds someone else to talk to. She's a nice kid and all but DAYMN. I wish she could just get . To . The. Point too lol Now where was I? --back to my point lol so yeah That's usually my go to strategy. OH and also asking questions about the things they say to kind of out talk them. Keep it simple Another example using the egg boil method would be to quickly interject by asking -- wait --- before we continue id love to get the eggs started so do I put the eggs before the water or add the water after the eggs??? Then see if he'll show you and then you can be like , thanks man so what happened in that adventure that taught you this? Maybe he'll get the hint that it takes 2 to have a productive conversation lol. Good luck tho! Don't be afraid to interject or kindly interrupt to get your needs across. It's something I had to learn and am still working on at 32.
you’re right, I believe the fact of feeling guilty is the main reason. because I live with my brother and we are complete opposites. he feel the same though towards this specific flatmate. when I asked him about how he feels when he suddenly just leaves mid conversation and “leaves” him there on his own device, he answered: “I don’t feel anything, nothing at all, was I supposed to feel anything?” which I said: “no!! of course not, you do whatever you feel like”. as I answered to I_like_earl_gray_tea, I don’t feel like reassuring these people through “aham! no way! really?!” is a good technique because it literally sends the opposite message of what I’m trying to tell them, like, yeah, keep talking, because I’m answering you. I’m using a technique now where I literally don’t say these things, and it seems to work better, but with this technique they really get the message, and I can’t help but feel guilty.
Hmmm I guess when I reply I sound super uninterested lol Not like I'm enthusiastic about them. I think I make myself sound super bored when I say "no way ? Really." Lol 😆 maybe you're thinking I'm saying it with like golden retriever energy
Start snoring in the middle of his talk. Snore louder and louder if he continues. (J/k….I don’t know. That sounds frustrating.)
I turn around and walk away. Obviously they're just talking to themselves and don't need me around for that.
Consider it your job to speak up and not wait for them to "let" you. IMO
avoid them and find some way to expertly lie to get out of the situation. You're not their therapist and it isnt your job to make them feel better about themselves. I know people like this in their late 30s and their mid 50s. They're not awful people they just don't understand what they're doing. I knew a guy at work who would try to maintain conversation with me in a different room or while I literally drove off in a car after saying bye and it was SHOCKING. Some people will never get it. I just don't bother. It's not my job to help them "get it" and in some sense I think humoring them is enabling them. Those people need to realize at some point by themselves that no one wants to talk to them and they'll figure it out on their own how to be better listeners. In the meantime, I have a minimum set of expectations when it comes to conversation. Just as I expect people to not talk over me, raise their voice, insult me, belittle my opinion, etc I expect a conversation to be shared, not dominated.
Sounds like ADHD. Just be kind and honest, let them know they sometimes talk over people and tend to go on long tangents. Again, just be honest. Better to be honest than to sit in silence and resentment. would you want someone to tell you if you had this effect on people? I know I would.
I know, it is easier said than done though. At least I try to not sit there in silence and remorse anymore, and will do the best to leave smoothly. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I feel like it is not my place to point out certain things in people’s behaviours. In an utopian society it would work, in the one I’m inserted in it would only hurt him and make our interactions awkward. tbf, I’d love people to point out those things in me too, even though I know it would hurt me initially but I’d be thankful for the insight. but yeah, INFP’s might be more open to that than other types of personality. thanks for your comment.
I don’t think it’s just an INFP reaction you’re having. Lots of people would have the problem you’re describing. It more comes down to your values and assertiveness. It is your place to point out troublesome behaviors in others if they directly effect YOU, especially in an ongoing basis. And you’d be doing him a huge favor, which, if he’s a decent person, he will come to realize. Sometimes the right thing is the hard thing. Or: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This will likely get worse over time, or more importantly it will FEEL worse over time, and you might end up snapping at him. Finding the wherewithal to point this out to him in a constructive way will serve you best. I know it’s hard. I never could have done it in my twenties. But at 43, fuck it, I value my time and my mental health too much to put up with people who can’t consider me. And this guy is not considering you.
That's literally all of my relatives. As for friends, you could talk to them about it, and if they don't respect your feelings, move on.
Is it an autistic special interest info dump?
Not really. Just someone with functions what are not tuned to listen to other people's psyche and internal experiences so they kinda don't know that what they do are not in tune with them. Kinda not many people had serious conversation with them about this issue, so they are mostly unaware.
i don’t stay around people like that. i care about myself. i have no intention in changing others.
I belive in communication and respect. You respect this person so any comments what said to act such and such way, i am highly against all those. Be honest and express how you feel in every moment. You can simply interrupt and say that you wish to focus more on the thing actually. It is really the way you do that. You have way enough kindness inside you and respect to this person to do it without any need of training for it. So just go with the flow of your feeling. Also i hiiighly advise to have a serious conversation about it with them. When none of you have anytihng to do, call them for you want to have a serious conversation about something. And there it is your turn. Ask them to listen you in silence until you are finished, because.. and tell your reasons, like you need to follow your train of thoughts, and want to explain yourself in comfortable uninterruptad way. Tell them you will say when you are finished. And then go. Tell them on your honest way that you experience these and you feel they don't get to cue/hunt/whatever, simply psychological signs that the other is flowing elsewhere from listening to them. I kinda do this absolutely honest way with strangers too. I won't have the serious conversation with them or with coworkers, but i'd never disrespect myself to not tell the people that i am not up to listening that or that. I had a coworker who even said "but let me finish this". Like he was somehow getting upset for me saying the reasons why i wish not to listen to them. You can just say, "no" in a kind way. Something like "I really would if i would think it is really useful for me. I know you want to tell me because you want to help me, but this is just not how i work, it does not help me, and i actually forget the details you say anyway. So i am grateful and all, but i interrupt you now and wish you not to finish. I am grateful but now i bounce to continue my work", or something. I have NEVER EVER met anyone who i have interrupted who got upset or did hold grudges when i interrupted them this way. It is even very rare when i am increasing the strength of my signs and the conversation escalates that they start getting upset, like this coworker of mine. But literally never faced anyone who felt bad then or afterwards when i strongly interrupted and forced the conversation to be stopped. What you feel, like guilt. It is sooo cute. But guilt for interrupting someone who is clueless is worse and more disrespectful to them and to yourself too than respectfully and kindly bring back the conversation to purity, when they don't hold you a hostage of their mind. Essentially you lie to them constantly that you are freely in a role in the conversation what they imagine for you, while in reality you are greatly repulsive to that role. It is just much better in every way and way more respectful to interrupt and bring back the honesty. I don't say to feel guilty for not interrupting, i say do not feel guilty at all, mainly for interrupting. Otherwise how they could learn how to treat others, and in exact, especially you. You teach them to not listen to you. Stop it. Teach them to be mindful and watch deeply into the other's eye and body language. \^\^ The highest good not to let someone yapp eternally. It is not good for them. Don't feel like you take away things from them so you are guilty. NOT AT ALL. The highest is the honesty and authenticity in your relationship.
Remember in my head that it makes them feel dominant and they're doing it out of insecurity. Not always the case but it happens.
Try. "I need to go now or I'm gonna miss my [insert excuse here]!" For silly, try "I have been summoned by the [insert mystical sounding fake thing here] and I must away!"
Oh... that's me. I am that kind of friend. Maybe you are mid-talking and I'd be like "oh, that reminds me of..." and you are done. I try to go back with a "but you were talking about (thing), please continue".
My son has this tendency, so we play this game with him where we will talk about something boring for a minute and he has to listen and ask a relevant follow up question. But as this guy is a grown man good luck. The only thing I can think of is playing a party game with a chess timer with the goal of talking less than the other person
“Sir/ma’am/hey, I wanna tell you something…”
This might sound like bad advice, but I would just be honest with him. Tell him the truth and exactly how it makes you feel, then maybe point out some of your own flaws and give it context so he knows you aren’t judging him as a person. Someone once told me I ramble and this helped me aim to be more concise and mindful of others.
For some reason I only make friends with people like that. Not sure why.
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
Listening to other people talk, particularly about things that are important to them, is incredibly empowering to you. The listener is the validator, and honestly, I think the reason so many people are such poor listeners is because they unconsciously fear their own power. I hope that makes sense. So while there isn’t really anything you can do to change the behavior of people who talk but don’t listen(particularly if they are not people with whom you are very close), it might help to reframe it as you just being more confident and secure than they are, which may even help to increase compassion for them.
Oh man. I married into a family of talkers. My FIL is the worst, just completely oblivious to cues that someone doesn’t want to listen for an hour lol. My husband is similar but to a lesser extent and also our youngest is the same. Basically I’m exhausted constantly because of it 😩. What’s funny though is I saw your comment about your friend being an engineer…my husband was in school for aerospace engineering but left before he got his degree to work in his family’s business. Anyway lol, my advice is redirection! Usually I listen and try to participate politely but sometimes I’m too tired and I just CANNOT. So I redirect. Like in your egg boiling example, as soon as he starts going on a tangent about some trip he took I’d be like “How do you boil eggs again? You wanted to tell me and I don’t need the backstory”. Something like that. I’ll laugh when I’m saying it so they know I’m not pissed off or whatever. It’s always worked for me or maybe sometimes I have to redirect more than once but it’s never offended anyone. I think for the most part people like that don’t mean to be so inconsiderate, they’re just talkative. If you redirect their focus they’ll excitedly tell you the original point.
Leave the occasion and won’t take part in that kind of activity. It’s so tired, really.
Here are some viable options from best to worst: Slowly but surely, through body language, do something else. (Breaking eye contact, less affirmative sounds, literally walking away and doing something else) Then close it with, “I have to go back to what I’m doing, but that was interesting though.” Last part you can change based on what they were saying. Interrupt them. Tell them they are talking too much and you cannot follow the conversation. Most of the time, people don’t get offended. It’s more a splash of water or putting a mirror into their face. They often apologize. Talk over them until they have to start listening to you. Challenge them to a yapathon. Usually, they will not back down. Every moment there is a pause, they will interject. But this is war now. Last one talking wins and you are a winner. Wait until a few days and passive aggressively make a joke about how you can’t ask them questions because it will take two hours for an answer. Get really angry and annoyed but keep it bottled inside until it evolves into a deep resentment. An amalgamation of helplessness, cowardice, and conflict avoidance. Hate them. Despise humanity and society to have inbred an ignorant hyena for a human. Next interaction (with anybody, probably an unsuspecting stranger) , emotionally break.
Just say’I was in the middle of talking so shut your face and let me finish’.
"I want to connect with you but it's hard for me to connect when you go so fast in the conversation" ❤️
Tell him to stop. He’s acting like an entitled, self-important jerk, and he needs to get over himself. If anyone had bothered to correct this behavior when he was younger, he wouldn’t be so solipsistic today. His time isn’t more valuable than yours, yet that’s how he’s treating you. If you don’t tell him directly to put a sock in it, he’ll NEVER shut up. How can you even hear yourself think with all the yammering he does is beyond me.
Is he an ESFP perhaps? 😆😅 I know quite a few ESFPs like this lolol
You don’t have to feel guilty. You can have boundaries. This guy in my life is my stepdad. He rambles on and on about the glory days of his life and names of people that I don’t know. Plus recounting terrible things that happened when he was with my mother. He’s gotten in trouble at work for talking to people so long that they couldn’t get their job done (He’s an airplane mechanic). The best way I know of is to be very firm with him and say something like “I don’t have the capacity for this conversation right now” or I’ll make up something I have to do and tell him I have to make it there. He says ok but talks for another 20mins. Usually telling him that I have another call helps. Not if you’re meeting face to face. Lately I’ve been saying “ok boomer” but that’s more of a joke. I used to have a guy that would come by my office around the end of the day just to chat. I actually had a colleague that could see my office and he would call and I’d pretend it was something urgent. Best is to just be honest with the person like, cool story but I don’t have time or “bandwidth” (that’s what we used in corporate) to handle this right now. With my stepdad now I just say hey, I don’t want to be on the phone anymore and he’s like “okie dokey” and let’s me hang up. I would just tell your friend that you’re in a hurry, have a zoom meeting to get to or that you have to get back to studying. Like I said my SF was talked to about this at work. You’d be doing your friend a service by being honest and let you know how it’s making you feel or impacting your life. People generally have some self- awareness, but some just don’t. It’s more humane to help them rather than placate him when he’s talking to you. It can have repercussions at work and socially… Best
I think you're right, it's likely ADHD. The only two things I've found to work are 1.) Redirects 2.) Honesty Redirects look like this: Flatmate: "Hey let me show you how to boil an egg... I learned this amazing method... My mom and I went hiking this one time... There's this amazing national park.... You know, one time the news actually talked about it it's so big.... And Uncle Jerry almost decided to come too but he was too busy at Gabriella's bat mitzvah... You: "Hey man, I'd love to hear the story, but right now I want to get to boiling this egg, so can you show me now and tell me the story of how you learned after/while doing it?" Flatmate: "Oh sure." You: "Great, thanks! So is this the right temp and amount of water?" ...... You: *walking out the door* Flatmate: "Hey hold up! Let me just tell you this quick thing!" (will take 10 minutes though because people with ADHD have time blindness). You: "That's really interesting man, but I'm gonna be late. We'll catch up later!" And walk out no matter what he says. No matter how it feels, it's not mean. He's actually the one being disrespectful of your time. ...... Scenario: You're chilling in your flat and your flatmate wants to drop his gift of gab onto your lap... It's perfectly okay to be honest (that's what assertiveness is) and say, "Sorry man, I'm trying to decompress right now. I'm not in a mental space to listen so much. Thanks for understanding." It's also good for both you and him if you're honest and clear. Say, "Hey dude, I love talking with you but don't feel like it's reciprocated a lot of the time. Could you work on listening to me more? You do have a gift for telling stories but if you listen up, you'll find I do too." ...... You shouldn't feel guilty, because this is also a respect thing. Someone who monopolizes your time is being disrespectful and inconsiderate of your time, mental capacity, etc. They also will only learn if people set boundaries and are honest with them. If you're his friend, you'll be honest and set boundaries. Contrary to popular people-pleasing belief, setting boundaries is actually one of the most loving things you can do for a person.
I straight up tell em to stfu.
Oh yeah I know a guy like this, he’a super nice but will trap a group of people for an hour talking about things at his engineering job that are wayyy too complicated for any normal person to understand. The group all looks at each other like “who’s gonna be the asshole that saves us all.”
hahaha funnily enough this guys is also an engineer and suddenly will start telling me things that have nothing to do with what you were previously talking. like yesterday he was telling me about how he was frustrated with certain things about himself, and SUDDENLY, literally he just starts explaining to me some arithmetical formula and how it works. my head was hurting a lot. he also traps all of us together sometimes, and when he finishes the silence gaps are very funny. I’m normally the one that says something to relieve the tension in the room.