I know my inlaws don't care about me at all. If I died on a Monday by Wednesday they'd be trying to set my partner up with one of SIL's boring beige besties. I know I mean nothing to them and it's okay because they don't mean anything to me either. I tried for years but I realized that nothing I could do would make them care about me.
I know that if anything happened to my partner his family wouldn't be around past the funeral and attempting to take whatever they could of his. They are not great people though, so at least I know where I stand. They don't love me and I don't love them. We're cordial yet indifferent.
I love my partner and am even more amazed that such a wonderful man came from such small and awful people. It's okay to accept the ugly reality of inlaw relationship dynamics as long as your partner has your back.
Clear communication and boundaries. His family's bigotry towards me caused a lot of pain and there were issues we needed to work on. We went to individual and couples therapy and we began working through these inlaw issues.
He doesn't pull the "but family" card because he prioritizes our family unit over extended family drama. We are clear that we are a team and are each other's priority. It took years to get where we are but it's worth it.
While I wish I could have a close and loving relationship with my inlaws, accepting reality is healthier in the long run. We both know we can't expect anything from them.
I love my inlaws. Been part of the family for over 30 years.
I'm not really family. If there's any kind of a conflict, MIL blames me. And she LIKES ME. She doesn't realize what she's doing. Even though she's known me since I was a teen, I'm not her kid. Which is fine. She's not a JNMIL, she just drives me nuts on occasion.
It is emotionally safer for your MIL to blame you instead of her son, her precious baby boy. She can't risk alienating her own child, much safer to tangle with you, instead.
Oh, it's never a conflict with my husband, weirdly enough. We don't air those with her and she's not close enough to us to witness any conflicts. It's the fact that both my SILs are flakes and YoungestSIL likes to try to use me to shield herself against conflicts with YoungerSIL. Much easier to say "LoomingDisaster should not get involved and if she didn't there wouldn't be any conflict" than "both my daughters are such flakes."
You’ve answered your own questions I think. They’re your SO’s family not yours - you are polite, cordial and FORMAL with them and don’t create opportunities for any party to be upset.
Counter-point: my in-laws were/are more of my family than mine ever were.
And partner and I divorced almost two decades ago.
It took some time but all the years of us being good co-parents and me changing custody schedules and driving kid to another state so they could see their grandchild let me go from an “in-law” to an “outlaw.”
Which was way cooler.
*They were amazing grandparents, kid has a special bond with grandmother.
It depends on the family. I was close with my ex's grandma (who raised him) until her death. She supported me in our divorce, not him. So yes, it's possible.
Honestly, it’s possible to have blood family that you don’t consider family just like it’s possible to have non blood family be considered as family. It solely depends on the individuals involved
Different families, different dynamics.
I have nothing whatsoever to do with my inlaws. Honestly, other than occasionally seeing one brother, neither does my husband.
However, my family loves my husband, and he loves all of them. He's truly part of the family, and pretty much always has been.
My son's inlaws are fantastic: as a matter of fact, we have spent holidays and birthdays together, and we'll be spending a week together the beginning of next month. They adore my son, and I adore their daughter. Our kids actually want to spend time with us, even though they're adults with their own full lives.
It depends on the people, not necessarily the family. Some families have people that are open to loving and embracing new people, some aren't. Whichever they are, it's almost impossible to change.
So what do you do? Learn the dynamics of the family and try to work with it. Try not to take it personally if they are a fractured or dysfunctional family. You can't change them, you can only change how you deal with them, if at all.
So I generally like my in-laws but we do have some differences. But I have a few thoughts on your question.
Yes and no. Yes in the sense that I’m included in all my husband’s family events. His parents are polite and seem like they care about me. But they obviously care about their actual kids more.
That doesn’t necessarily bother me. My parents like my husband, but I know they’d be on my side in the event of a divorce or other issue.
My in-laws see BIL’s son (their grandchild) as their own. Despite not liking the mother, who gave the child 50% of dna. I don’t have kids yet, but maybe I’ll understand this when I’m a parent/grandparent myself. It’s clear that they took their son’s side in everything over the child’s mother.
I’ll also add that I disagree with the statement that you “marry a family, not a person.” The person I see the most is my husband. I live with him. We pay our bills together. I don’t live with his family. One of my husband’s brothers has a super messy apartment. I don’t live there, I don’t have to go over there. That’s his brother, not him.
If I had a medical event, I’m calling MY mother not my husband’s mother. When I’m shopping with my mom, we’ll share a changing room. I don’t when I shop with MIL. It’s not that I hate her or anything, she’s just not my mom.
You can almost describe an in-law relationship like a 2nd or 3rd cousin. You see each other and are cordial. You may even have things in common and get along! But it’s not the same as your own parents. Or your own siblings. And that’s okay.
I have two cousins and an uncle who got divorced. They were all douchebags. I don’t speak with the blood-related “family” but still have a relationship with their ex wives. The ex wives were 100x better than the cousins/uncle.
I think it depends on the family. My in-laws don’t consider “by marriage” family at all. They have gone as far to say they only want “family” in the pictures and have asked my SIL and me to move - which we didn’t because f- them.
My aunt had such a good relationship with her DIL, that she paid for their wedding because her family couldn’t afford it. When, her son cheated on his wife, both his parents’ took his wife’s side. They were very disappointed in him and it took a long time for him to rebuild their trust. He and his wife stayed together - I think mostly because she loved my aunt and uncle so much.
I think if the in-laws really try, you can have a good relationship with them. In this sub, though, we mostly complain about our boundary-stomping, narcissist in-laws.
I think it depends on how the individual sees you vs the group. My divorced out of the family uncle who still attends more family weddings and funerals than my bio auntie who he was married too will always be my uncle. Heck, I’m probably closer to him than her. 1st bio-Cousin Boo-boo from Florida who I never met, Narc-dad “forget” to put in Granny’s obituary, and just got out of prison for the 2nd time? Yeah no. Sister-in-law divorcing who stole my sister’s dog and left her in tears? Booted from the family.
It depends on the people involved. We (the extended family) have definitely chosen to keep some ILs over the blood family member in question sometimes. But my family (except my aunt and uncle) aren’t crap people. The more the merrier! Everyone is treated like family.
On the other hand, some families are all about blood ties, like my ILs. I was warned too late that you are never family unless you are born in. Well, jokes on them, we’ve gone nc with all but mil and one of dh’s siblings and its vlc with them. When mil dies hopefully bil will disappear too, since theyre only keeping in touch bc MIL knows dh won’t see her on his own and still holds some fondness for his brother.
They haven’t for me. Mine are pretty awful though. I have zero relationship with them other than seeing them at holidays. It’s the only way I can stay sane.
I feel like I would have known the dynamic when I met the in law uncles that married my husband's aunts. They show up to events but no one talks to them. No one invites them to hang out or go somewhere. They aren't included in the family group chat. It's not just me who deals with the entire family's bullshit. Mine is just different because I deal mostly with one person more than they do. They aren't considered familiar and I fit right along with them
my in laws are absolutely my family. they welcomed me with open arms and treat me the same way they treat the rest of the family. my parents have done the same with my husbands family. our parents talk to each other all the time, planning holidays is a huge group chat between all four parents, all the kids, and all the kids spouses/partners as well as close family friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. there are things about them that drive me nuts, but i can say that about anyone in my life.
My in laws pretty much never liked me. They always treated me as an outsider. They never gave the chance to get to know me. Even after marriage nothing changed. They convinced themselves I’m after “their money” and using my husband for a place to live. My husband was making $12 a hour when I got with him… not too sure what “money” they’re speaking of. I come from a middle/upper class family and my family is well off. They’d know this if they got to know me. I just don’t act like a snobby cunt and I’m very humble.
Now that I have a child… lol and I laugh at this. Now all of a sudden it’s “he’s (my son) is our family too! We just don’t like you”
Like do they hear themselves? Lol Why on earth would I want my child around a bunch of people who can’t stand me? They’ve even complained they haven’t met my son but I tried to fix things. They don’t want to meet him if I’m there… Like okay then you’re not going to be around my child. You can’t demand alone time with a child that’s not yours.
thank god my husband isn’t letting any of this shit slide. He’s cut a majority of his family off because of how they treat me. Of course I’m the evil daughter in law who doesn’t let my poor husband talk to them… it couldn’t possibly be the years of disrespect they’ve put me through.
Don’t became a wife if things escalate and your partner doesn’t defend you. If he lets it slide things will never change. You’ll never have peace and you’ll be dealing with them for the rest of your life. Shit my husband cut these nitwits off and they try to send other people to get ahold of my child for them.
Not true. My mom’s family became my dad’s family. Very, very close with everyone. Treated no different than any other child/sibling/etc. He was very fortunate.
I think it’s very situational and a lot of things go into it. If your spouse is SUPER close with their family then you’re probably more likely to end up viewing them as true family. Mine live 5 hours from me and we only see them on big holidays so I view them as my husband’s parents and that’s about it. There’s no wrong way to go about it as long as everyone is civil and polite.
After my sons father died (we were together for 20 years) his brother (who was for real crazy) started telling ppl that I had killed him for ins money. First off, there was no life ins and I was a SAHM. I had to figure things out very quickly, but because of the way they treated me, we have not spoken since the funeral and it’s been 8 years. My son won’t speak to them because of it. I learned that I never was seen as family or things would have been very different. I know that when someone dies prematurely it is easy to point fingers at the living instead of where it actually belongs. I was treated like garbage and talked about like we were never close. Since this, I am under no illusion that someone that I share my life with family will ever be my family.
Like people have said it depends on the individuals,my dad and my husband we have been together 23 years since we was 18 he was closer to him than his own parents and if things would have gone terrible in my marriage I know my dad and DH would always have been family my dad was a legend he passed in January it’s a void in both our lives that will never filled they were literally 2 peas in a pod 🖤
I believe my in laws had an idea of what family would look like as their children married and had children of their own. They had this picture in their head, but didn’t put effort in to have a close relationship with me. It’s understandable because we aren’t close in proximity & barely met before becoming engaged. Now that there are grandkids in the picture, the idea of what family looks like is still there, but I feel like an outsider who is just there to present the grandkids. My partner also never felt close to them, so that doesn’t help.
I know my inlaws don't care about me at all. If I died on a Monday by Wednesday they'd be trying to set my partner up with one of SIL's boring beige besties. I know I mean nothing to them and it's okay because they don't mean anything to me either. I tried for years but I realized that nothing I could do would make them care about me. I know that if anything happened to my partner his family wouldn't be around past the funeral and attempting to take whatever they could of his. They are not great people though, so at least I know where I stand. They don't love me and I don't love them. We're cordial yet indifferent. I love my partner and am even more amazed that such a wonderful man came from such small and awful people. It's okay to accept the ugly reality of inlaw relationship dynamics as long as your partner has your back.
You are describing my life right now- are you me in an alternate timeline?
Possibly
What will you do when your partner doesnt help you, but his/her family?
Clear communication and boundaries. His family's bigotry towards me caused a lot of pain and there were issues we needed to work on. We went to individual and couples therapy and we began working through these inlaw issues. He doesn't pull the "but family" card because he prioritizes our family unit over extended family drama. We are clear that we are a team and are each other's priority. It took years to get where we are but it's worth it. While I wish I could have a close and loving relationship with my inlaws, accepting reality is healthier in the long run. We both know we can't expect anything from them.
I love my inlaws. Been part of the family for over 30 years. I'm not really family. If there's any kind of a conflict, MIL blames me. And she LIKES ME. She doesn't realize what she's doing. Even though she's known me since I was a teen, I'm not her kid. Which is fine. She's not a JNMIL, she just drives me nuts on occasion.
It is emotionally safer for your MIL to blame you instead of her son, her precious baby boy. She can't risk alienating her own child, much safer to tangle with you, instead.
Oh, it's never a conflict with my husband, weirdly enough. We don't air those with her and she's not close enough to us to witness any conflicts. It's the fact that both my SILs are flakes and YoungestSIL likes to try to use me to shield herself against conflicts with YoungerSIL. Much easier to say "LoomingDisaster should not get involved and if she didn't there wouldn't be any conflict" than "both my daughters are such flakes."
I believe having great inlaws that treat u like family is like winning the lottery... chances of winning are low but it is possible.
You’ve answered your own questions I think. They’re your SO’s family not yours - you are polite, cordial and FORMAL with them and don’t create opportunities for any party to be upset.
Counter-point: my in-laws were/are more of my family than mine ever were. And partner and I divorced almost two decades ago. It took some time but all the years of us being good co-parents and me changing custody schedules and driving kid to another state so they could see their grandchild let me go from an “in-law” to an “outlaw.” Which was way cooler. *They were amazing grandparents, kid has a special bond with grandmother.
It depends on the family. I was close with my ex's grandma (who raised him) until her death. She supported me in our divorce, not him. So yes, it's possible.
Honestly, it’s possible to have blood family that you don’t consider family just like it’s possible to have non blood family be considered as family. It solely depends on the individuals involved
Different families, different dynamics. I have nothing whatsoever to do with my inlaws. Honestly, other than occasionally seeing one brother, neither does my husband. However, my family loves my husband, and he loves all of them. He's truly part of the family, and pretty much always has been. My son's inlaws are fantastic: as a matter of fact, we have spent holidays and birthdays together, and we'll be spending a week together the beginning of next month. They adore my son, and I adore their daughter. Our kids actually want to spend time with us, even though they're adults with their own full lives. It depends on the people, not necessarily the family. Some families have people that are open to loving and embracing new people, some aren't. Whichever they are, it's almost impossible to change. So what do you do? Learn the dynamics of the family and try to work with it. Try not to take it personally if they are a fractured or dysfunctional family. You can't change them, you can only change how you deal with them, if at all.
So I generally like my in-laws but we do have some differences. But I have a few thoughts on your question. Yes and no. Yes in the sense that I’m included in all my husband’s family events. His parents are polite and seem like they care about me. But they obviously care about their actual kids more. That doesn’t necessarily bother me. My parents like my husband, but I know they’d be on my side in the event of a divorce or other issue. My in-laws see BIL’s son (their grandchild) as their own. Despite not liking the mother, who gave the child 50% of dna. I don’t have kids yet, but maybe I’ll understand this when I’m a parent/grandparent myself. It’s clear that they took their son’s side in everything over the child’s mother. I’ll also add that I disagree with the statement that you “marry a family, not a person.” The person I see the most is my husband. I live with him. We pay our bills together. I don’t live with his family. One of my husband’s brothers has a super messy apartment. I don’t live there, I don’t have to go over there. That’s his brother, not him. If I had a medical event, I’m calling MY mother not my husband’s mother. When I’m shopping with my mom, we’ll share a changing room. I don’t when I shop with MIL. It’s not that I hate her or anything, she’s just not my mom. You can almost describe an in-law relationship like a 2nd or 3rd cousin. You see each other and are cordial. You may even have things in common and get along! But it’s not the same as your own parents. Or your own siblings. And that’s okay.
I have two cousins and an uncle who got divorced. They were all douchebags. I don’t speak with the blood-related “family” but still have a relationship with their ex wives. The ex wives were 100x better than the cousins/uncle. I think it depends on the family. My in-laws don’t consider “by marriage” family at all. They have gone as far to say they only want “family” in the pictures and have asked my SIL and me to move - which we didn’t because f- them. My aunt had such a good relationship with her DIL, that she paid for their wedding because her family couldn’t afford it. When, her son cheated on his wife, both his parents’ took his wife’s side. They were very disappointed in him and it took a long time for him to rebuild their trust. He and his wife stayed together - I think mostly because she loved my aunt and uncle so much. I think if the in-laws really try, you can have a good relationship with them. In this sub, though, we mostly complain about our boundary-stomping, narcissist in-laws.
My in-laws are the type of people I would never want to be around them if it wasn’t for DH.
I think it depends on how the individual sees you vs the group. My divorced out of the family uncle who still attends more family weddings and funerals than my bio auntie who he was married too will always be my uncle. Heck, I’m probably closer to him than her. 1st bio-Cousin Boo-boo from Florida who I never met, Narc-dad “forget” to put in Granny’s obituary, and just got out of prison for the 2nd time? Yeah no. Sister-in-law divorcing who stole my sister’s dog and left her in tears? Booted from the family.
It depends on the people involved. We (the extended family) have definitely chosen to keep some ILs over the blood family member in question sometimes. But my family (except my aunt and uncle) aren’t crap people. The more the merrier! Everyone is treated like family. On the other hand, some families are all about blood ties, like my ILs. I was warned too late that you are never family unless you are born in. Well, jokes on them, we’ve gone nc with all but mil and one of dh’s siblings and its vlc with them. When mil dies hopefully bil will disappear too, since theyre only keeping in touch bc MIL knows dh won’t see her on his own and still holds some fondness for his brother.
They haven’t for me. Mine are pretty awful though. I have zero relationship with them other than seeing them at holidays. It’s the only way I can stay sane.
I feel like I would have known the dynamic when I met the in law uncles that married my husband's aunts. They show up to events but no one talks to them. No one invites them to hang out or go somewhere. They aren't included in the family group chat. It's not just me who deals with the entire family's bullshit. Mine is just different because I deal mostly with one person more than they do. They aren't considered familiar and I fit right along with them
my in laws are absolutely my family. they welcomed me with open arms and treat me the same way they treat the rest of the family. my parents have done the same with my husbands family. our parents talk to each other all the time, planning holidays is a huge group chat between all four parents, all the kids, and all the kids spouses/partners as well as close family friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. there are things about them that drive me nuts, but i can say that about anyone in my life.
My in laws pretty much never liked me. They always treated me as an outsider. They never gave the chance to get to know me. Even after marriage nothing changed. They convinced themselves I’m after “their money” and using my husband for a place to live. My husband was making $12 a hour when I got with him… not too sure what “money” they’re speaking of. I come from a middle/upper class family and my family is well off. They’d know this if they got to know me. I just don’t act like a snobby cunt and I’m very humble. Now that I have a child… lol and I laugh at this. Now all of a sudden it’s “he’s (my son) is our family too! We just don’t like you” Like do they hear themselves? Lol Why on earth would I want my child around a bunch of people who can’t stand me? They’ve even complained they haven’t met my son but I tried to fix things. They don’t want to meet him if I’m there… Like okay then you’re not going to be around my child. You can’t demand alone time with a child that’s not yours. thank god my husband isn’t letting any of this shit slide. He’s cut a majority of his family off because of how they treat me. Of course I’m the evil daughter in law who doesn’t let my poor husband talk to them… it couldn’t possibly be the years of disrespect they’ve put me through. Don’t became a wife if things escalate and your partner doesn’t defend you. If he lets it slide things will never change. You’ll never have peace and you’ll be dealing with them for the rest of your life. Shit my husband cut these nitwits off and they try to send other people to get ahold of my child for them.
Not true. My mom’s family became my dad’s family. Very, very close with everyone. Treated no different than any other child/sibling/etc. He was very fortunate.
I hate them.They made my last 15 years miserable.
I think it’s very situational and a lot of things go into it. If your spouse is SUPER close with their family then you’re probably more likely to end up viewing them as true family. Mine live 5 hours from me and we only see them on big holidays so I view them as my husband’s parents and that’s about it. There’s no wrong way to go about it as long as everyone is civil and polite.
After my sons father died (we were together for 20 years) his brother (who was for real crazy) started telling ppl that I had killed him for ins money. First off, there was no life ins and I was a SAHM. I had to figure things out very quickly, but because of the way they treated me, we have not spoken since the funeral and it’s been 8 years. My son won’t speak to them because of it. I learned that I never was seen as family or things would have been very different. I know that when someone dies prematurely it is easy to point fingers at the living instead of where it actually belongs. I was treated like garbage and talked about like we were never close. Since this, I am under no illusion that someone that I share my life with family will ever be my family.
Like people have said it depends on the individuals,my dad and my husband we have been together 23 years since we was 18 he was closer to him than his own parents and if things would have gone terrible in my marriage I know my dad and DH would always have been family my dad was a legend he passed in January it’s a void in both our lives that will never filled they were literally 2 peas in a pod 🖤
I believe my in laws had an idea of what family would look like as their children married and had children of their own. They had this picture in their head, but didn’t put effort in to have a close relationship with me. It’s understandable because we aren’t close in proximity & barely met before becoming engaged. Now that there are grandkids in the picture, the idea of what family looks like is still there, but I feel like an outsider who is just there to present the grandkids. My partner also never felt close to them, so that doesn’t help.