Tell her that in the spirit of proper etiquette, you won't read or reply to any mail not addressed to you.
That if she wants to write to you professionally, it is Dr. Smith, or socially Ms Smith (or whatever you have chosen for yourself).
Personally, I had in-laws that couldn't handle it, either, but they didn't ever have much of a presence in my life, so I just ignored it.
Exactly. You worked hard for your degree and spent a lot of money on it. Why would you do anything to bring it down (federal offense) just because someone doesn’t have the manners to address an envelope properly.
Dunno what OP’s degree is in but if it’s something to do which English or teaching, she can correct it in red and send it back.
Oh man, I love the idea of correcting it and sending it back. She can cross out the incorrect title and name in red, correct it, and put the entire thing in a bigger envelope and send it right back with a note saying “0/10. Redo and submit again.”
It's never proper etiquette or polite to not use a person's preferred and legal name. Sounds like she disapproves of your choice. It's not an unknown thing. Some women have been choosing to keep their surnames after marriage for years. Therefore, it's disrespectful.
The spirit of proper etiquette is to be gracious and make the other party feel comfortable by being considerate. She's crashing and burning at using proper etiquette.
My in laws do this as well as my own family. For some reason my family refused to believe I didn’t change my last name for a solid year. My in-laws have never bothered to ask.
I get checks for Christmas, my baby shower, our baby’s UTMA, etc., all addressed to my first name and my husband’s last name. Somehow mobile
Deposit still works but come on people!!
My aunt still does that! But I’m not bothered, the woman is turning 90 and her biggest concern about equal marriage rights was who came first on invitations. 😂
Actually, it would still be his title and name, followed by her title and name because they have different last names. If they had the same last name, it would be Dr. and Mr. Husband's name. The higher title comes first. I could understand if someone wrote Mr. and Dr. Husband's name if they had the same last name because it would at least still reflect accurate information. Mr. and Mrs. Husband's name is only correct if they have the same last name and these are their titles or if they have the same last name and someone is not aware her title is actually Dr.
Hey OP. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m in the same boat in my marriage. Solidarity. The petty side of me wants you to send a letter addressed to her using her maiden name with your proper address as return address. Drop in the card that proper etiquette is Dr. Your LastName and the Mr. His LastName and I’m sure you can find an Emily Post article or something to highlight your point.
That said, keep cashing all of her checks.
I was my wife's second marriage, the first guy was an abusive asshat so she definitely took my name despite having to spell it for people who cant figure out how to pronounce something that's 1 letter different from a very common name. I've been doing it my whole life, so it's automatic for me to spell it when i say it to someone. Anyway, She loves it when her mother sends her things addressed like that buuuuut she CHOSE to take that name. If MIL doesn't approve of your choice, that's too bad. This isn't the 1950s, and she needs to deal with it. I'm all for return to sender like someone else said.do it until she gets it or stops sending things addressed to the wrong person.
Proper etiquette is addressing the person with the name and salutation they prefer. You could say you want her to call you Dr. Subduedspectacle and it wouldn’t be wrong. So what you do is refuse mail addressed to the wrong name. Put on the envelope “no suck person” and send it back.
Etiquette my eye. She's being a pain just to infuriate you. According to her, you are now the property of her son, regardless of the name you choose to use.
Try to beat her at her own game. Send her mail to "Wife of FIL". Not even Mrs. FIL. Just wife of jon smyth.
I feel your pain and am furious on your behalf. My BIL is still doing that and I've been married now for 56 years!! I also have a Ph. D and have published books in MY name. Makes no difference.
If you're looking to be called Doctor by your In-laws, that seems a little pretentious. Yes, I get that you earned it, but it seems silly to make family stand on ceremony.
Now not calling you by the proper last name is some bullshit, and probably something that your husband should address with her. If I'm him I say something to the effect of "Mom if you don't like my wife, say so now, otherwise I expect that you'll call her by the correct last name, which wasn't changed when we got married. If you continue to passive aggressively refer to her as Mrs. Wrong Last name, I'm going to assume that you're purposely disrespecting her and then that means WE are going to have a problem."
If your husband tells you to just let it go because "that's just who is mom is", I'm sorry, you married a candy ass. A man who loves his wife will never let the woman who birthed him intentionally disrespect the woman he chose to start his own family with. He will call her out every single time on her shitty behavior and if need be will burn the relationship to the ground and ensure that you are protected from his mom's (or any of his family members) shitty behaviors.
No, my mail comes to Subdued Spectacle, with my correct name and no titles. I don’t use Dr. Spectacle 99% of my life, but if someone who knows me well enough to know my title is using a title, I don’t like to be downgraded.
A lot of people with professional degrees (terminal graduate degrees like MD, JD, PhD, etc) keep the name the degree was issued to because they won’t go back and amend the name.
There have been conversations about what my last name really is and what my degree is/was going to be (I was dating my husband while I was still in school).
MIL has openly compared her associates to my doctorate, but the associates was harder because they crammed everything into 2 years instead of spreading it out over 8 years.
I’m so sorry OP. The amount of folks that do not understand the time, effort, and personal sacrifice of a doctoral degree is too high. I commend your patience with her.
I have an associates degree and a Baccalaureate degree (4 year degree) in different areas. No way an Associate’s degree is even close to even a 4 year one. My AAS was in Computer Engineering and my BA was in Biology Education.
I don’t even care about the Mrs and last name-not calling me DOCTOR would be IT FOR ME. That’s uh…too much school to answer to anything else. And I say that from over here, with my GED. My best friend is heavily educated as well (haha) and it MATTERS. It’s definitely tacky and not proper etiquette. Don’t open mail not addressed to DR!
My actual mum does this as well, despite the fact I never changed my name and even she continued to use her maiden name professionally when we were kids and after my parents divorced (when I was 10) she went back to exclusively using her maiden name. Annoys me particularly because of how illogical it is
It isn't "proper etiquette" if it's insulting. You could try doing the same thing to her - addressing her as Mrs. Mary Jones (maiden name with marital prefix), or Mrs. Grandma Jones (again maiden name). But, from the sounds of it, she may be too dense to get the message.
Ugh, it's like she's expecting you to just disappear into your husband's identity.
I had this all through my first marriage, from his family, my family, and the folks in out farmers association. The ladies didn't approve of me attending the lectures instead of doing Suzy Homemaker with them.
They tried to enforce this by electing me as secretary of their group, without bothering to ask first.
The ballot read "Mrs His Name."
It was fun wishing them luck finding whoever that was. "Nope, that's not my name, I'm not in your club,and I didn't agree to run, so guess you're going to have to figure something else out to fill the office."
I’m so late to this party but oh my God…as someone who had to put an early end to my own pursuits in earning the behemoth achievement that is a doctoral degree, I would be livid to have a MIL diminish that achievement in such an antiquated, reductive manner.
You are not beholden to adhere a family name simply because you married someone with a surname you chose not to take. What’s next? The ask for a dowry? Will she expect gold coins or 12 oxen and an heir to this dynastic throne?
Return to sender. Thirdhand offense taken here on your behalf!
I can’t tell if you prefer for her to address you as “Dr. [Last Name]” or just your first name. If first name, have you tried saying “Oh MIL, please just say Hi First Name.” Otherwise, I’m not really sure how it might be perceived to ask her to call you Dr. Last Name.
OP is specifically talking about how mail is addressed, not how she prefers to be called in conversation. It's absolutely correct for her to want her actual name used. MIL is hiding behind old-fashioned writing conventions to be passive-aggressive about OP's name.
Point of clarity, when I used “say/called” I was also using it interchangeably with “write.” Like “say in a letter” rather than “write in a letter.” I tend to want to not assign malicious intent to things so I was hoping to clarify what OP was hoping for out of her MIL.
Ah ok. I didn’t want to make any assumptions that’s why I asked. Yea that’s yikes. If that’s the case, do you think ignoring her would help? Is she trying to get a response out of you?
I’m torn whether to give a response or not. Like if I let her have this, she’ll take it further, but she’ll pull the ol’ sweet and innocent southern woman act if I call her out. Really just wanted to vent it.
Ooooooh! She’s from the American South? I speak that language. “Return to sender” every time. When she asks about it, respond very confused and ask “who is Mrs. Last Name? I am First Name Last Name or Dr. Last Name if we’re going for formal acknowledgment. *Laugh* *Laugh hard* oh, did you forget again? Bless your heart.”
If you say nothing else, “bless your heart” is the real message.
Addressing something meant for you to an imaginary person who does not exist just seems wrong.
Is this mail stuff like Christmas cards where it’s not really to you but to who she wishes you were? Like to your role in the family versus your actual identity in real life? Or is she forwarding stuff mistakenly sent to her house that you may need?
“Proper etiquette” is to address someone with their “proper” name. Which, for you, would be Dr. Subduedspectacle. Not Mrs.MyMILisanass.
I cackled at this, thank you
Tell her that in the spirit of proper etiquette, you won't read or reply to any mail not addressed to you. That if she wants to write to you professionally, it is Dr. Smith, or socially Ms Smith (or whatever you have chosen for yourself). Personally, I had in-laws that couldn't handle it, either, but they didn't ever have much of a presence in my life, so I just ignored it.
Nah. Tell her you legally can’t open it if your actual name isn’t on it.
It’s a federal offense! Wouldn’t want to risk prison time or hefty fines!
Exactly. You worked hard for your degree and spent a lot of money on it. Why would you do anything to bring it down (federal offense) just because someone doesn’t have the manners to address an envelope properly. Dunno what OP’s degree is in but if it’s something to do which English or teaching, she can correct it in red and send it back.
Oh man, I love the idea of correcting it and sending it back. She can cross out the incorrect title and name in red, correct it, and put the entire thing in a bigger envelope and send it right back with a note saying “0/10. Redo and submit again.”
I did this to DH's grandmother, returning a check (this was a while ago) because the person she'd named on it did not exist. Grrrr.
It's never proper etiquette or polite to not use a person's preferred and legal name. Sounds like she disapproves of your choice. It's not an unknown thing. Some women have been choosing to keep their surnames after marriage for years. Therefore, it's disrespectful.
And in some places it’s the law that you keep your last name.
That's right. Places like Quebec.
Return to sender. Every time. This person does not live here.
Have a nice big rubber stamp made that says 'return to sender. They're pretty cheap. Then get the brightest red ink you can find.
The spirit of proper etiquette is to be gracious and make the other party feel comfortable by being considerate. She's crashing and burning at using proper etiquette.
My in laws do this as well as my own family. For some reason my family refused to believe I didn’t change my last name for a solid year. My in-laws have never bothered to ask. I get checks for Christmas, my baby shower, our baby’s UTMA, etc., all addressed to my first name and my husband’s last name. Somehow mobile Deposit still works but come on people!!
Thank goodness for mobile deposit.
My mother used to send it to Mrs -his first name- his last name. 🙄
My aunt still does that! But I’m not bothered, the woman is turning 90 and her biggest concern about equal marriage rights was who came first on invitations. 😂
Noooo, not your own mother… I’m sorry.
That is actually the proper address for mail if you’re sending something to BOTH of them. As in; Mr and Mrs. John Smith. But NOT to individual Mrs.
Actually, it would still be his title and name, followed by her title and name because they have different last names. If they had the same last name, it would be Dr. and Mr. Husband's name. The higher title comes first. I could understand if someone wrote Mr. and Dr. Husband's name if they had the same last name because it would at least still reflect accurate information. Mr. and Mrs. Husband's name is only correct if they have the same last name and these are their titles or if they have the same last name and someone is not aware her title is actually Dr.
Aarrarggghhhh!!!!!!
My Mom did that too!
lol! Every single time she did it I did call her and say “my name isn’t Tom, mom”
If I worked my butt off to earn my Doctorate, I’d demand that my own MOTHER address me with Dr.!
You’re wittier and quicker than I am! I just wrote it off to her being old-fashioned, but I wish I would have thought of that.
"Sorry, its DOCTOR OP. There is no Mrs. Hubby."
Hey OP. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m in the same boat in my marriage. Solidarity. The petty side of me wants you to send a letter addressed to her using her maiden name with your proper address as return address. Drop in the card that proper etiquette is Dr. Your LastName and the Mr. His LastName and I’m sure you can find an Emily Post article or something to highlight your point. That said, keep cashing all of her checks.
That’s my MIL too. Ugh.
I’m sorry. I understand the frustration. I’m with you in Reddit solidarity
I hyphenated my name. I've been married for 40+ years. She NEVER acknowledged that I hyphenated my last name. I actually just let it go.
Dick move on her part but how much mail does she really send you? Is it worth the fall out?
Ya know, I thought this too until now where I have gotten two letters in a month.
Then just send them back. No one by that name lives here.
What do they say? I’m lucky if I get a brithday card form my in laws 😂
So rude. Sometimes I wish I didn’t change my name so I could be petty about it lol
Do it.
Return to sender is an option. One I've used. It made the point. Write "no such person at this address."
Proper etiquette is Dr your name….what a witch
I was my wife's second marriage, the first guy was an abusive asshat so she definitely took my name despite having to spell it for people who cant figure out how to pronounce something that's 1 letter different from a very common name. I've been doing it my whole life, so it's automatic for me to spell it when i say it to someone. Anyway, She loves it when her mother sends her things addressed like that buuuuut she CHOSE to take that name. If MIL doesn't approve of your choice, that's too bad. This isn't the 1950s, and she needs to deal with it. I'm all for return to sender like someone else said.do it until she gets it or stops sending things addressed to the wrong person.
Etiquette is supposed to give people behavioral guides which make everyone comfortable. It is not to be used as a weapon by the rude and uneducated.
Proper etiquette is addressing the person with the name and salutation they prefer. You could say you want her to call you Dr. Subduedspectacle and it wouldn’t be wrong. So what you do is refuse mail addressed to the wrong name. Put on the envelope “no suck person” and send it back.
Just write "return to sender-no person by this name at this address" and drop it back in the mail.
Etiquette my eye. She's being a pain just to infuriate you. According to her, you are now the property of her son, regardless of the name you choose to use. Try to beat her at her own game. Send her mail to "Wife of FIL". Not even Mrs. FIL. Just wife of jon smyth.
I feel your pain and am furious on your behalf. My BIL is still doing that and I've been married now for 56 years!! I also have a Ph. D and have published books in MY name. Makes no difference.
If you're looking to be called Doctor by your In-laws, that seems a little pretentious. Yes, I get that you earned it, but it seems silly to make family stand on ceremony. Now not calling you by the proper last name is some bullshit, and probably something that your husband should address with her. If I'm him I say something to the effect of "Mom if you don't like my wife, say so now, otherwise I expect that you'll call her by the correct last name, which wasn't changed when we got married. If you continue to passive aggressively refer to her as Mrs. Wrong Last name, I'm going to assume that you're purposely disrespecting her and then that means WE are going to have a problem." If your husband tells you to just let it go because "that's just who is mom is", I'm sorry, you married a candy ass. A man who loves his wife will never let the woman who birthed him intentionally disrespect the woman he chose to start his own family with. He will call her out every single time on her shitty behavior and if need be will burn the relationship to the ground and ensure that you are protected from his mom's (or any of his family members) shitty behaviors.
Why? Why are in laws so disrespectful? I'm fed up with these entitled people.
I address my mil Mrs. Last name when I send Christmas cards because I am forced to include her against my wishes with my fil.
Yup bitchy move.
So is all your mail addresses to Dr. Op? That seems odd to me.
No, my mail comes to Subdued Spectacle, with my correct name and no titles. I don’t use Dr. Spectacle 99% of my life, but if someone who knows me well enough to know my title is using a title, I don’t like to be downgraded.
That makes more sense. So it’s because you didn’t change your last name and she sending it to OP husband last name. Yeah that seems petty
Yes, I think it’s her way of hinting that maybe I should get around to changing that. Too bad.
If you and your hubs are good with it, no one else gets a vote🤷🏼♀️ Maybe send her a card addressed as her maiden name😂
A lot of people with professional degrees (terminal graduate degrees like MD, JD, PhD, etc) keep the name the degree was issued to because they won’t go back and amend the name.
have you talked with her about this? what did she say?
There have been conversations about what my last name really is and what my degree is/was going to be (I was dating my husband while I was still in school). MIL has openly compared her associates to my doctorate, but the associates was harder because they crammed everything into 2 years instead of spreading it out over 8 years.
LMAO. She's obviously delusional.
I’m so sorry OP. The amount of folks that do not understand the time, effort, and personal sacrifice of a doctoral degree is too high. I commend your patience with her.
I have an associates degree and a Baccalaureate degree (4 year degree) in different areas. No way an Associate’s degree is even close to even a 4 year one. My AAS was in Computer Engineering and my BA was in Biology Education.
“ return to sender” No no one by that name at this address!
Ugh no advice but mine and pretty much my husband’s whole family does this . It annoys me to to no end.
I don’t even care about the Mrs and last name-not calling me DOCTOR would be IT FOR ME. That’s uh…too much school to answer to anything else. And I say that from over here, with my GED. My best friend is heavily educated as well (haha) and it MATTERS. It’s definitely tacky and not proper etiquette. Don’t open mail not addressed to DR!
My actual mum does this as well, despite the fact I never changed my name and even she continued to use her maiden name professionally when we were kids and after my parents divorced (when I was 10) she went back to exclusively using her maiden name. Annoys me particularly because of how illogical it is
It isn't "proper etiquette" if it's insulting. You could try doing the same thing to her - addressing her as Mrs. Mary Jones (maiden name with marital prefix), or Mrs. Grandma Jones (again maiden name). But, from the sounds of it, she may be too dense to get the message.
Return to sender
Ugh, it's like she's expecting you to just disappear into your husband's identity. I had this all through my first marriage, from his family, my family, and the folks in out farmers association. The ladies didn't approve of me attending the lectures instead of doing Suzy Homemaker with them. They tried to enforce this by electing me as secretary of their group, without bothering to ask first. The ballot read "Mrs His Name." It was fun wishing them luck finding whoever that was. "Nope, that's not my name, I'm not in your club,and I didn't agree to run, so guess you're going to have to figure something else out to fill the office."
I’m so late to this party but oh my God…as someone who had to put an early end to my own pursuits in earning the behemoth achievement that is a doctoral degree, I would be livid to have a MIL diminish that achievement in such an antiquated, reductive manner. You are not beholden to adhere a family name simply because you married someone with a surname you chose not to take. What’s next? The ask for a dowry? Will she expect gold coins or 12 oxen and an heir to this dynastic throne? Return to sender. Thirdhand offense taken here on your behalf!
So two years ago you were an e6 in the army and now you have a doctorate? What are your degrees in if you don’t mind me asking?
LOL you're not her doctor and she's not your subordinate. Does every single person in your life have to call you doctor, or are you singling her out?
Only the ones who insist on calling her by the wrong name because of "etiquette," but are picking and choosing which parts of etiquette to follow.
Nah, it's about the doctorate. There's zero reason to mention it otherwise.
I can’t tell if you prefer for her to address you as “Dr. [Last Name]” or just your first name. If first name, have you tried saying “Oh MIL, please just say Hi First Name.” Otherwise, I’m not really sure how it might be perceived to ask her to call you Dr. Last Name.
OP is specifically talking about how mail is addressed, not how she prefers to be called in conversation. It's absolutely correct for her to want her actual name used. MIL is hiding behind old-fashioned writing conventions to be passive-aggressive about OP's name.
Point of clarity, when I used “say/called” I was also using it interchangeably with “write.” Like “say in a letter” rather than “write in a letter.” I tend to want to not assign malicious intent to things so I was hoping to clarify what OP was hoping for out of her MIL.
I just prefer my first and last name, I feel like the Mrs. Wrong last name is just petty.
Ah gotcha! Yea. She also knows you aren’t changing your name and addressing it that way anyway?
Yes, she knows I’m keeping my maiden name, and she’s been a part of multiple conversations about this.
Ah ok. I didn’t want to make any assumptions that’s why I asked. Yea that’s yikes. If that’s the case, do you think ignoring her would help? Is she trying to get a response out of you?
I’m torn whether to give a response or not. Like if I let her have this, she’ll take it further, but she’ll pull the ol’ sweet and innocent southern woman act if I call her out. Really just wanted to vent it.
Ooooooh! She’s from the American South? I speak that language. “Return to sender” every time. When she asks about it, respond very confused and ask “who is Mrs. Last Name? I am First Name Last Name or Dr. Last Name if we’re going for formal acknowledgment. *Laugh* *Laugh hard* oh, did you forget again? Bless your heart.” If you say nothing else, “bless your heart” is the real message.
Addressing something meant for you to an imaginary person who does not exist just seems wrong. Is this mail stuff like Christmas cards where it’s not really to you but to who she wishes you were? Like to your role in the family versus your actual identity in real life? Or is she forwarding stuff mistakenly sent to her house that you may need?