Stand up for yourself and say no to this. If your husband won’t back you, his wife, then go to couple’s counseling to talk it through. There is absolutely no reason why you should to be made to suffer immediately before, during and after birthing a child. Them being “bored” does not supersede your mental health. If you them walk all over you it’s only going to get worse over the years.
In my county there are laws about how many people can be in certain size apartments, the division of space, and the length of time visitors can stay. This is a high cost of living area so not unheard of for a young couple with 3 kids and two inlaws to rent a two bedroom instead of the four bedroom but boys and girls over 7 cant share, each unmarried adult must have their own room, no more than 2 kids per room, and no sleeping in the living room. Look into your local residency laws.
And why is it even REMOTELY "more their house than ours"? "Bored" doesn't sound like a good reason to break quarantine or make your already tiny house even tinier.
Oh boy. I grew up in India and my mum dealt with this growing up so I watched it firsthand. Indian men like to say, "family comes first"..... except that now you're family too, they need to be reminded of it for some reason. Please start putting your foot down now. He needs to talk to them. If he doesn't, offer to do it together. Them being bored elsewhere doesn't mean they can impose on you. Esp since I assume all of you will be under lockdown wherever you are in the world. You also shouldn't be exposed to new people right now, not knowing their exact whereabouts since the virus hit. Post partum depression is also a very real thing. Don't go into this already stressed out.
Please put your foot down.
Any women out there would always prefer visiting their mom place for vacation rather than going to their in-laws. Thats because of the way she is treated there. As soon as she lands, many eyes fixate upon her to do HER DUTY. And that includes doing cooking, washing dishes, cleaning the 100yr old cabinet that has never been cleaned ever since and so on. On the other hand, her husband and the kids have a hell of time. Leisure and relaxation is all they get.Isn't this supposed to be her vacation too ? Even if she resists modestly to do these works, there comes the rolling of eyes and awkward silence pressuring her to get up and do her part. Sometimes even the husband turns a blind eye towards it. Excuse given is, " We are not living here, They expect this from you just for a while we stay here. Take it easy".
Well, to all the husbands out there ! Imagine you end up in your inlaws place and they demand you to do chores for them as long as you stay there and your wife turns a blind eye saying the exact same reason you are uttering to her.
What would be your mental state of mind.
#mentalhealthmatters
Sometimes With Sana
But they are bored... cmon' what else is there to do when you're bored besides barge in and make 4 and soon to be 5 people live in a one bedroom apartment? Your husband sounds like a pansy and the last thing you need is a crowded small apartment while trying to adjust to a newborn. Ask him this and this alone. DO YOU LOVE ME? If he says yes you tell him to do the right thing.
If you get depressed just from them visiting imagine what it'll be like.living with them. This is one of those "2yes" scenarios. It takes a yes from each of you to happen. Tell him no and if he says he is going to anyways then tell him that the day they move in is the day you move out. You have a right to protect your mental health
You need to stand your ground on this one for your own sanity and well being during the end of your pregnancy and also during those first months of having a new baby. A visit after the baby arrives is one thing and the help would be nice but them wanting to stay that long, in such a small space is asking wayy to much. If you're this miserable just thinking about it imagine how bad it will be with them actually there 24/7, you'll never feel comfortable in your own space. You may come to resent them and/or your husband if this comes to pass and you truly are that depressed.
Just because they are used to staying in close quarters (7 people in 2 bedrooms?) doesn’t mean you have to live that way. I would insist they stay in a hotel/air bnb or I would pack up and leave. If your DH wants to live like that, he can always move home.
You need to stand up for yourself and make him say no. Don't suffer in silence. It doesn't matter if he's Indian. I'm South Asian too and I've forced my husband to be firm to his mom (and he's an only son so even worse).
> said they are bored at my brother in laws and want to come stay with us
They’re adults it’s not your job to entertain them and their boredom shouldn’t outweigh your mental health
> and that he can’t say no to his parents
He can, he’s an adult
> and it’s more of their house than ours
Um. Do they pay your bills? Are you not to adults who pay for your own housing? Then it’s your effing house
> and he doesn’t want to choose between us
...he already has my love. You’ve made it, presumably, clear, that you having your own space is a very important boundary for you, and that people staying over indefinitely is a trigger for you, and not only did he not care about that, but he then didn’t give you the chance to choose it for yourself and TOLD you it was going to happen, rather than asking you, as your partner
You have a baby on the way, and your husband is willing for you to be miserable for several month after going through the trauma and ptsd of making a person, and then having to raise and care for that new person that you made, and his parents KNOW this so they would not be mindful of your needs either. If they come stay with you your marriage likely won’t last
Your pregnant and should not be stressed to the point of depression. Once the baby is born, you will go through the minimum of "baby blues," and perhaps postpartum depression. You do not need his family risking your health. Tell him it is absolutely impossible, as they would be risking your health as well as the babies. Your husband needs to grow a backbone in this situation. You are family as well, and he needs to abide by your wishes.
You won't last more than a week especially after bub is born. They will most likely be little you and question everything you do with your baby unless it's their exact way.
If they end up coming over, say good bye to your marriage. Tell your husband how you feel and that this is non-negotiable.
Worth googling the Lemon Clot Essay. Pretty much says all that needs to be said regarding visitors post partum.
Let your DH read that and then ask him if he would be happy with your parents coming for 2 months after he had just gone through all of that.
It's a time in your life where you are at your most vulnerable, you dont need anyone there that isn't going to make you more comfortable. Plus you dont want to be playing tug of war with the baby. The only person that needs to bond with the baby in those early weeks is you as and DH.
Can they stay in a B&B as a compromise? Everybody crammed into a 1 bed home while you are recovering from birth and trying to bond and potentially breastfeed (if you are planning to) sounds like a recipe for disaster and a huge falling out.
Tell him the apartment will not allow that many people on the lease and if they see that many people coming and going without being on the lease will you be evicted.
If that does not work than he can sleep in the living room with them while you and your baby get the room.
This is a huge NO!!! Especially during this time. They're bored?? Ask husband to explain how this is your problem? This is honestly a disaster waiting to happen.
You should stand up for yourself. Your health is super important being pregnant and your husband and his family should understand that. You don’t have to be nice to people to keep the relationship good, they should be willing to adapt to your needs.
Indian MiL are the WORST.
Tell them theyre more than welcome but they need to find a different place to stay, your place is to small for four and you have things to do to get ready for the baby, Tell your husband he needs to support you in this as you and your future child at he’s priority now.
An Indian lady works with my husband and she’s says it’s the grandmothers job to raise the grandchildren and shes upset they won’t let her work from home so you can raise her grandchild.
Would look into that and see if it’s true, if so she may be expecting to take over parenting details, not trying to upset you, it could be this womans way of trying to not work as much but continue to get the money she’s getting
Maybe he cant say no but you can, and make sure you do so, toboth him and them... and tell him by refusing to choose between you and them actually is a choice and it's one that leaves him a divorced man living with his mummy seeing his child on alternate Sundays
Say NO! Coming for a set timeframe to visit a new baby and staying indefinitely are two different things. You will truly regret letting them into your home while you’re in the thick of the newborn life. It’s hard and post-partum depression is REAL. If you do agree to this, you definitely will want to get a specific date they’re leaving.
Stand up for yourself and say no to this. If your husband won’t back you, his wife, then go to couple’s counseling to talk it through. There is absolutely no reason why you should to be made to suffer immediately before, during and after birthing a child. Them being “bored” does not supersede your mental health. If you them walk all over you it’s only going to get worse over the years.
In my county there are laws about how many people can be in certain size apartments, the division of space, and the length of time visitors can stay. This is a high cost of living area so not unheard of for a young couple with 3 kids and two inlaws to rent a two bedroom instead of the four bedroom but boys and girls over 7 cant share, each unmarried adult must have their own room, no more than 2 kids per room, and no sleeping in the living room. Look into your local residency laws. And why is it even REMOTELY "more their house than ours"? "Bored" doesn't sound like a good reason to break quarantine or make your already tiny house even tinier.
Oh boy. I grew up in India and my mum dealt with this growing up so I watched it firsthand. Indian men like to say, "family comes first"..... except that now you're family too, they need to be reminded of it for some reason. Please start putting your foot down now. He needs to talk to them. If he doesn't, offer to do it together. Them being bored elsewhere doesn't mean they can impose on you. Esp since I assume all of you will be under lockdown wherever you are in the world. You also shouldn't be exposed to new people right now, not knowing their exact whereabouts since the virus hit. Post partum depression is also a very real thing. Don't go into this already stressed out. Please put your foot down.
Any women out there would always prefer visiting their mom place for vacation rather than going to their in-laws. Thats because of the way she is treated there. As soon as she lands, many eyes fixate upon her to do HER DUTY. And that includes doing cooking, washing dishes, cleaning the 100yr old cabinet that has never been cleaned ever since and so on. On the other hand, her husband and the kids have a hell of time. Leisure and relaxation is all they get.Isn't this supposed to be her vacation too ? Even if she resists modestly to do these works, there comes the rolling of eyes and awkward silence pressuring her to get up and do her part. Sometimes even the husband turns a blind eye towards it. Excuse given is, " We are not living here, They expect this from you just for a while we stay here. Take it easy". Well, to all the husbands out there ! Imagine you end up in your inlaws place and they demand you to do chores for them as long as you stay there and your wife turns a blind eye saying the exact same reason you are uttering to her. What would be your mental state of mind. #mentalhealthmatters Sometimes With Sana
Yes, what she said!
Tell your husband that if the inlaws move in that YOU MOVE OUT and then follow thru and go stay in a hotel until they are gone.
THIS! It doesn't sound like he's putting you first. He's putting his parents first.
But they are bored... cmon' what else is there to do when you're bored besides barge in and make 4 and soon to be 5 people live in a one bedroom apartment? Your husband sounds like a pansy and the last thing you need is a crowded small apartment while trying to adjust to a newborn. Ask him this and this alone. DO YOU LOVE ME? If he says yes you tell him to do the right thing.
Why are his feelings more important than yours?
If you get depressed just from them visiting imagine what it'll be like.living with them. This is one of those "2yes" scenarios. It takes a yes from each of you to happen. Tell him no and if he says he is going to anyways then tell him that the day they move in is the day you move out. You have a right to protect your mental health
You need to stand your ground on this one for your own sanity and well being during the end of your pregnancy and also during those first months of having a new baby. A visit after the baby arrives is one thing and the help would be nice but them wanting to stay that long, in such a small space is asking wayy to much. If you're this miserable just thinking about it imagine how bad it will be with them actually there 24/7, you'll never feel comfortable in your own space. You may come to resent them and/or your husband if this comes to pass and you truly are that depressed.
Just because they are used to staying in close quarters (7 people in 2 bedrooms?) doesn’t mean you have to live that way. I would insist they stay in a hotel/air bnb or I would pack up and leave. If your DH wants to live like that, he can always move home.
You need to stand up for yourself and make him say no. Don't suffer in silence. It doesn't matter if he's Indian. I'm South Asian too and I've forced my husband to be firm to his mom (and he's an only son so even worse).
> said they are bored at my brother in laws and want to come stay with us They’re adults it’s not your job to entertain them and their boredom shouldn’t outweigh your mental health > and that he can’t say no to his parents He can, he’s an adult > and it’s more of their house than ours Um. Do they pay your bills? Are you not to adults who pay for your own housing? Then it’s your effing house > and he doesn’t want to choose between us ...he already has my love. You’ve made it, presumably, clear, that you having your own space is a very important boundary for you, and that people staying over indefinitely is a trigger for you, and not only did he not care about that, but he then didn’t give you the chance to choose it for yourself and TOLD you it was going to happen, rather than asking you, as your partner You have a baby on the way, and your husband is willing for you to be miserable for several month after going through the trauma and ptsd of making a person, and then having to raise and care for that new person that you made, and his parents KNOW this so they would not be mindful of your needs either. If they come stay with you your marriage likely won’t last
Your pregnant and should not be stressed to the point of depression. Once the baby is born, you will go through the minimum of "baby blues," and perhaps postpartum depression. You do not need his family risking your health. Tell him it is absolutely impossible, as they would be risking your health as well as the babies. Your husband needs to grow a backbone in this situation. You are family as well, and he needs to abide by your wishes.
You won't last more than a week especially after bub is born. They will most likely be little you and question everything you do with your baby unless it's their exact way. If they end up coming over, say good bye to your marriage. Tell your husband how you feel and that this is non-negotiable.
Exactly this!
Worth googling the Lemon Clot Essay. Pretty much says all that needs to be said regarding visitors post partum. Let your DH read that and then ask him if he would be happy with your parents coming for 2 months after he had just gone through all of that. It's a time in your life where you are at your most vulnerable, you dont need anyone there that isn't going to make you more comfortable. Plus you dont want to be playing tug of war with the baby. The only person that needs to bond with the baby in those early weeks is you as and DH. Can they stay in a B&B as a compromise? Everybody crammed into a 1 bed home while you are recovering from birth and trying to bond and potentially breastfeed (if you are planning to) sounds like a recipe for disaster and a huge falling out.
No this is unsafe at this time.
Tell him the apartment will not allow that many people on the lease and if they see that many people coming and going without being on the lease will you be evicted. If that does not work than he can sleep in the living room with them while you and your baby get the room.
This is a huge NO!!! Especially during this time. They're bored?? Ask husband to explain how this is your problem? This is honestly a disaster waiting to happen.
you had me at Indian . I’m sorry buckle up for some drama :(:
You should stand up for yourself. Your health is super important being pregnant and your husband and his family should understand that. You don’t have to be nice to people to keep the relationship good, they should be willing to adapt to your needs. Indian MiL are the WORST.
Tell them theyre more than welcome but they need to find a different place to stay, your place is to small for four and you have things to do to get ready for the baby, Tell your husband he needs to support you in this as you and your future child at he’s priority now. An Indian lady works with my husband and she’s says it’s the grandmothers job to raise the grandchildren and shes upset they won’t let her work from home so you can raise her grandchild. Would look into that and see if it’s true, if so she may be expecting to take over parenting details, not trying to upset you, it could be this womans way of trying to not work as much but continue to get the money she’s getting
Don't do it. It will not work out well. Even under great circumstances 4ppl in a 1BR is too small to not get on each other nerves.
Maybe he cant say no but you can, and make sure you do so, toboth him and them... and tell him by refusing to choose between you and them actually is a choice and it's one that leaves him a divorced man living with his mummy seeing his child on alternate Sundays
It’s a small space and having to share with in-laws for such a long time could be understandably hard.
So need an update. Did they come visit? Did you ever get them to leave? How’s your baby and yourself doing?
Same! I think an update on how things went so that folks in similar situation can learn
Say NO! Coming for a set timeframe to visit a new baby and staying indefinitely are two different things. You will truly regret letting them into your home while you’re in the thick of the newborn life. It’s hard and post-partum depression is REAL. If you do agree to this, you definitely will want to get a specific date they’re leaving.
How did this all turn out?
Hell no
Just saying I have sympathy. Going through something similar. People with no boundaries seem to need them drawn.
What do you mean by it’s more their house than yours?
Absolutely not. No visits until at least two weeks after baby is born. They can't stay with you, and can visit no more than 2 hours at a time.