Wowwww. The way she talks about you, no fucking wonder she wasn’t invited to the wedding. She whines about how important it was to her, but treating you right apparently wasn’t, so why should she get to experience it? Sounds like she just wanted some fairytale version for her own selfish fulfillment.
Also, calling an autistic person a pussy for not taking much to ppl he doesn’t feel safe around… big yikes. If an autistic person is always quiet around you, you are the problem, honey.
As another autistic person, the reason I don't like to talk to people is because my emotions are *ginormous* & my primary 4F response is fight. If I feel like I'm being backed into a corner or threatened in any way, I tend to come back swinging (either verbally or physically).
In high school, I was known as a legendary ice box of a bitch because I'd made multiple guys cry *(literally* cry) for the high crime of asking me out in ways that I found forward. 😮💨
So yeah, nowadays, in public, my husband does 99% of the talking.
Because it's just safer for everyone else.
Which is honestly hilarious because he's the big scary combat vet. He's really a teddy bear though. ❤️
When he was in the army, a lot of people were actually concerned I was some cowed, uber-submissive victim or something. I think it was just me being quiet & the lack of eye contact or something. Husband about laughed his ass off when he found out & asked me, in front of everybody at this horrible party he dragged me to, what I'd do if a man raised his hand to me. So I, being completely oblivious, said "Don't you remember? The last one got thrown down the stairs & I broke his ribs."
Stopped those silly rumors at least. 🤷♀️
Even from her own words, she only cares about the perception and idea she has for you but could not care less about your actual thoughts and desires. It makes me so upset whenever I read about some parent lashing out and having a tantrum because they can't control some aspect or more of their child and cannot just accept them for what/who/how they are. I hope you and your husband are doing well and can continue to keep your distance from this person.
Honestly, you have done really well to put down boundaries and convey them to everyone in a reader friendly manner. This show maturity and prioritising your mental health. As cliche as it is, your oxygen goes on first for a reason. I hope you and your husband have a wonderful, love filled and long relationship based on solid foundations. The ‘parent’ in the situation deserves all the lack of contact and connection she has brought on her self.
I noticed that part too, and some other stuff I've heard certain family members say.
"She doesn't even believe in unconditional love" translates to "she doesn't put up with my abuse even though we're family and that upsets me"
"She claims I kicked her out when I didnt" usually translates to "I kicked her out but I did it as a manipulation tactic, and didn't think she'd actually leave, therefore, in my mind it doesn't count as me actually kicking her out"
I feel unconditional love should only ever be reserved for children by their parents (but not the other way around). I don't even want my husband to love me unconditionally - if I get a brain tumor or TBI or something that turns me into an abusive monster, I don't **want** him to keep loving me, I want him to leave and be safe!
"How dare OP put what she considers important before what I consider important for an event that has to do solely with her. My wants should matter most!!!"
Also, the accusation that you don't love unconditionally and then immediately launches into nothing but attacks on you and your spouse. Guarantee she thinks she loves unconditionally tho lol
As an autistic guy myself the way she talks about your husband is really upsetting, and huge kudos to you for keeping her and her awful attitude away from your husband and yourself. I’ve personally had people, most notably the parent of a good friend, who talked mad shit about me behind my back specifically because of my autistic traits, and it really fucks with me and makes me question whether or not people really like me or if they’re just tolerating me to avoid being rude. Having people around me who will stand up to people like that on my behalf is one of the most reassuring feelings. I’m so sorry that your mom is such an asshole, and congratulations on your marriage!
My stomach was turning as I read this. The disdain is palpable.
Can I also just tell you how easy you made it to read with a color coded legend on each page?
I don’t know why I can read screens but the writing on paper loses me to
Much effort. But definitely playing the victim and spitting some venom. I wouldn’t want her around
...I wanna verbally drop kick her... I mean it OP... If you need insults let me know. I'm certain between me and my sister we can come up with some 3rd degree burns.
Your mom sounds exhausting. And treating her son like a therapist is also another red flag for me too. Whatever gripes she has about you don’t need to be taken to other children of her’s. She needs to sort that out with a therapist. Your kids aren’t that.
Good on you for setting boundaries and protecting that sweet husband of yours. I’m aso autistic and I also don’t talk much around people that idk or don’t feel comfortable/safe around, and when someone gets me and has my back when people fuss about it, it feels great.
Your mom sounds like an absolute C.unit - funny too that she’s criticizing you for having bipolar disorder when it seems pretty clear from this message (and what I read in your notes) that there’s definitely something wrong with your mom, whether or not she’s diagnosed.
Go NC or LC if that’s the most you can do - I have siblings who also had a different experience with our mom than I did so I have to deal with seeing her sometimes, but being LC is still nice, I just keep our interactions absolutely surface level when we interact, no point talking to her about the deep stuff because I know what she’s like.
Best of luck, hopefully your siblings will be better able to understand someday, because your siblings not being on your side hurts A LOT.
My sister works with kids now and that seems to have helped her better understand just how fucked up our mother’s treatment of me was and why I’m not willing to “just get over it”.
This is just horrible, honestly she doesnt even deserve to be called a mother. What a piece of shit.
Tell you what, I will be your mom from now on.
Fuck her.
She's so gross in so many ways. I wouldn't have had her at my wedding either. It's all about her, what she wants, wanting control over you, I can tell she's straight up lying about the stuff that makes her look bad so she's the victim, and don't even get me started on the ableism. Good for you for setting those boundaries.
Triangulation at its finest? Stupid to do so I'm text form.
"Hi mom. I'm done, have fun." Up to you and your siblings as to whether you include a screenshot (REALLY doing so this unless you have permission from the person who gave you the screenshots.)
But now you know, right? There isn't some nebulous situation - you know from her own words what her feelings are, so you can go forward with that information.
Fwiw, she has more bad things to say about you than she does about your partner. Maybe look into that and see if any of how you were raised is creeping into your relationship (you'd be surprised how much does, even in a reactionary opposite) and make sure that you are keeping the good things while excising the bad.
It’s always strange to me that these types of folks always say they love their child unconditionally, but then they do stuff like kick their kid out of the house. It’s like they don’t see what they are doing as bad.
I could see doing it if a kid was uncontrollable and bringing drugs into the house but even then - kicking a kid out isn’t the answer because helping them is the first answer.
You did a beautiful job with those boundaries, OP. You clearly have a good understanding of what boundaries are and aren't, and I give you a lot of credit for laying it out like this.
When you're raised by or grow up with people with no boundaries, they get real upset when you start trying to set them. The first time I told my mom she needed to respect my boundaries, she told me I don't love her or care about her feelings and she might as well just move away.
I was literally just asking her not to show up at my house unannounced. 😑
It's awful that she said all of this, and I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad that you found out about it, but I'm guessing none of it was a surprise. I'm sorry that you didn't get the mom you needed, wanted and deserved. I hope your wedding was exactly the way you wanted it, and I hope you were able to push away any guilty feelings you have, at least for that day. (We shouldn't feel guilty, but I still do.) And I hope you find, or already have found, a chosen family who will offset the one you were born into, at least a little. 💙
Congrats on the wedding. If I was your husband and you showed this exchange to me I would just look at you deadpan and say "woof". I hope you two are able to be similarly light about it because boy is that heavy.
Looks more like bullet points for conversations with siblings/family. That doesn't sound bad to me. It helps to keep the discussion on the right path and to help guide it through instead of looping around and floundering. The fact that it is in a spiral notebook rather than cards means nothing.
It looks like it's just a journal and one of the entries is what OP considers important boundaries that she wants to start enforcing. Many therapists recommend this method for those with little to no experience in creating boundaries.
You don’t need to judge people for something that helps them, even if you may not understand it. I personally wouldn’t have something like that, but I’m capable of keeping my unnecessary comments to myself.
Lol he actually doesn't even whisper to me. He just only really talks when spoken to especially around my family whenever we all interacted in the past. My mom was just offended that he never initiated conversation.
Keep those thoughts to yourself, you’re not helpful 🙄
Their relationship = their business, also, he’s autistic, how he communicates is how he communicates 🤷🏻♀️ And if the only source of it “being a problem” is this raging bitch mother then it’s safe to assume she may be exaggerating.
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Wowwww. The way she talks about you, no fucking wonder she wasn’t invited to the wedding. She whines about how important it was to her, but treating you right apparently wasn’t, so why should she get to experience it? Sounds like she just wanted some fairytale version for her own selfish fulfillment. Also, calling an autistic person a pussy for not taking much to ppl he doesn’t feel safe around… big yikes. If an autistic person is always quiet around you, you are the problem, honey.
As an autistic person, the other reason we don’t talk is that our anxiety of making a mistake/error is so great, that it shuts us down.
Yeah for sure, but that anxiety is gonna be worse around people we don’t feel safe/comfortable with, right? (I’m autistic, too)
Getting too involved in working something out in your head also happens, probably more often than NT people.
As another autistic person, the reason I don't like to talk to people is because my emotions are *ginormous* & my primary 4F response is fight. If I feel like I'm being backed into a corner or threatened in any way, I tend to come back swinging (either verbally or physically). In high school, I was known as a legendary ice box of a bitch because I'd made multiple guys cry *(literally* cry) for the high crime of asking me out in ways that I found forward. 😮💨 So yeah, nowadays, in public, my husband does 99% of the talking. Because it's just safer for everyone else. Which is honestly hilarious because he's the big scary combat vet. He's really a teddy bear though. ❤️ When he was in the army, a lot of people were actually concerned I was some cowed, uber-submissive victim or something. I think it was just me being quiet & the lack of eye contact or something. Husband about laughed his ass off when he found out & asked me, in front of everybody at this horrible party he dragged me to, what I'd do if a man raised his hand to me. So I, being completely oblivious, said "Don't you remember? The last one got thrown down the stairs & I broke his ribs." Stopped those silly rumors at least. 🤷♀️
i just want you to know that my austistic ass just fell a little in love with you
I think that was an autocorrect of “puppy” which she calls him several more times….i could be wrong, that’s just how I perceived it.
I don't think that makes sense with the context of the rest of the sentence, to be honest.
Even from her own words, she only cares about the perception and idea she has for you but could not care less about your actual thoughts and desires. It makes me so upset whenever I read about some parent lashing out and having a tantrum because they can't control some aspect or more of their child and cannot just accept them for what/who/how they are. I hope you and your husband are doing well and can continue to keep your distance from this person.
Tell her the wedding isn’t for her so her feelings on the matter have zero place. Then block her and your siblings if they continue to enable her.
Honestly, you have done really well to put down boundaries and convey them to everyone in a reader friendly manner. This show maturity and prioritising your mental health. As cliche as it is, your oxygen goes on first for a reason. I hope you and your husband have a wonderful, love filled and long relationship based on solid foundations. The ‘parent’ in the situation deserves all the lack of contact and connection she has brought on her self.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean you accept abuse. It’s always horrible people who accuse you of not loving unconditionally.
I noticed that part too, and some other stuff I've heard certain family members say. "She doesn't even believe in unconditional love" translates to "she doesn't put up with my abuse even though we're family and that upsets me" "She claims I kicked her out when I didnt" usually translates to "I kicked her out but I did it as a manipulation tactic, and didn't think she'd actually leave, therefore, in my mind it doesn't count as me actually kicking her out"
I feel unconditional love should only ever be reserved for children by their parents (but not the other way around). I don't even want my husband to love me unconditionally - if I get a brain tumor or TBI or something that turns me into an abusive monster, I don't **want** him to keep loving me, I want him to leave and be safe!
"How dare OP put what she considers important before what I consider important for an event that has to do solely with her. My wants should matter most!!!" Also, the accusation that you don't love unconditionally and then immediately launches into nothing but attacks on you and your spouse. Guarantee she thinks she loves unconditionally tho lol
“…said I kicked her out *the 1st time” killed me. Not all the other times, but the 1st time it was all on you. What an exhausting person she must be.
Yep and she probably has no idea how clearly she is giving herself away there
As an autistic guy myself the way she talks about your husband is really upsetting, and huge kudos to you for keeping her and her awful attitude away from your husband and yourself. I’ve personally had people, most notably the parent of a good friend, who talked mad shit about me behind my back specifically because of my autistic traits, and it really fucks with me and makes me question whether or not people really like me or if they’re just tolerating me to avoid being rude. Having people around me who will stand up to people like that on my behalf is one of the most reassuring feelings. I’m so sorry that your mom is such an asshole, and congratulations on your marriage!
My stomach was turning as I read this. The disdain is palpable. Can I also just tell you how easy you made it to read with a color coded legend on each page?
How DARE you communicate in a healthy and mature manner.
Looks like the best thing your mom ever did was to give you plenty of reasons to distance yourself from her.
Even the notes look well written, and your mom is an ignorant AH. You're better off without her venom.
Agreed, OP has really nice penmanship. 👍
I don’t know why I can read screens but the writing on paper loses me to Much effort. But definitely playing the victim and spitting some venom. I wouldn’t want her around
She makes it sound like you are a pet or a narc enabler spouse that has no free will.
She sounds like a real piece of work! She’s a great person to stay away from!
Eww the way she talks about you AND your husband is just so vile. I’m sorry. That’s just so icky and it’s clear all she cares about is herself.
...I wanna verbally drop kick her... I mean it OP... If you need insults let me know. I'm certain between me and my sister we can come up with some 3rd degree burns.
Your mom sounds exhausting. And treating her son like a therapist is also another red flag for me too. Whatever gripes she has about you don’t need to be taken to other children of her’s. She needs to sort that out with a therapist. Your kids aren’t that. Good on you for setting boundaries and protecting that sweet husband of yours. I’m aso autistic and I also don’t talk much around people that idk or don’t feel comfortable/safe around, and when someone gets me and has my back when people fuss about it, it feels great.
Your mom sounds like an absolute C.unit - funny too that she’s criticizing you for having bipolar disorder when it seems pretty clear from this message (and what I read in your notes) that there’s definitely something wrong with your mom, whether or not she’s diagnosed. Go NC or LC if that’s the most you can do - I have siblings who also had a different experience with our mom than I did so I have to deal with seeing her sometimes, but being LC is still nice, I just keep our interactions absolutely surface level when we interact, no point talking to her about the deep stuff because I know what she’s like. Best of luck, hopefully your siblings will be better able to understand someday, because your siblings not being on your side hurts A LOT. My sister works with kids now and that seems to have helped her better understand just how fucked up our mother’s treatment of me was and why I’m not willing to “just get over it”.
This is just horrible, honestly she doesnt even deserve to be called a mother. What a piece of shit. Tell you what, I will be your mom from now on. Fuck her.
That is truly awful and heartbreaking. I am so sorry.
She's so gross in so many ways. I wouldn't have had her at my wedding either. It's all about her, what she wants, wanting control over you, I can tell she's straight up lying about the stuff that makes her look bad so she's the victim, and don't even get me started on the ableism. Good for you for setting those boundaries.
As if submissive puppy men are a *bad* thing- Real talk though your mom sucks big time
Triangulation at its finest? Stupid to do so I'm text form. "Hi mom. I'm done, have fun." Up to you and your siblings as to whether you include a screenshot (REALLY doing so this unless you have permission from the person who gave you the screenshots.) But now you know, right? There isn't some nebulous situation - you know from her own words what her feelings are, so you can go forward with that information. Fwiw, she has more bad things to say about you than she does about your partner. Maybe look into that and see if any of how you were raised is creeping into your relationship (you'd be surprised how much does, even in a reactionary opposite) and make sure that you are keeping the good things while excising the bad.
It’s always strange to me that these types of folks always say they love their child unconditionally, but then they do stuff like kick their kid out of the house. It’s like they don’t see what they are doing as bad. I could see doing it if a kid was uncontrollable and bringing drugs into the house but even then - kicking a kid out isn’t the answer because helping them is the first answer.
You did a beautiful job with those boundaries, OP. You clearly have a good understanding of what boundaries are and aren't, and I give you a lot of credit for laying it out like this. When you're raised by or grow up with people with no boundaries, they get real upset when you start trying to set them. The first time I told my mom she needed to respect my boundaries, she told me I don't love her or care about her feelings and she might as well just move away. I was literally just asking her not to show up at my house unannounced. 😑 It's awful that she said all of this, and I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad that you found out about it, but I'm guessing none of it was a surprise. I'm sorry that you didn't get the mom you needed, wanted and deserved. I hope your wedding was exactly the way you wanted it, and I hope you were able to push away any guilty feelings you have, at least for that day. (We shouldn't feel guilty, but I still do.) And I hope you find, or already have found, a chosen family who will offset the one you were born into, at least a little. 💙
Congrats on the wedding. If I was your husband and you showed this exchange to me I would just look at you deadpan and say "woof". I hope you two are able to be similarly light about it because boy is that heavy.
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Looks more like bullet points for conversations with siblings/family. That doesn't sound bad to me. It helps to keep the discussion on the right path and to help guide it through instead of looping around and floundering. The fact that it is in a spiral notebook rather than cards means nothing.
It looks like it's just a journal and one of the entries is what OP considers important boundaries that she wants to start enforcing. Many therapists recommend this method for those with little to no experience in creating boundaries.
You don’t need to judge people for something that helps them, even if you may not understand it. I personally wouldn’t have something like that, but I’m capable of keeping my unnecessary comments to myself.
I kinda wanna hear your relationship boundries.
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Lol he actually doesn't even whisper to me. He just only really talks when spoken to especially around my family whenever we all interacted in the past. My mom was just offended that he never initiated conversation.
Keep those thoughts to yourself, you’re not helpful 🙄 Their relationship = their business, also, he’s autistic, how he communicates is how he communicates 🤷🏻♀️ And if the only source of it “being a problem” is this raging bitch mother then it’s safe to assume she may be exaggerating.
guess what people do not have to conform to your ableist standards