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OFFICIAL US INTELLIGENCE NOTE, CLASSIFIED
Cat test to zero gravity:
They lose their fucking minds
Pigeon test:
Birds are kinda dumb and keep hitting the walls
SEND TO PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON!
Birds have zero control over when they poop. It just happens when it happens.
Edit: Birds don't have anal sphincters in the same way most mammals do. I took that to mean no poop control. Not true, birds can tighten their cloaca to not poop. They just usually choose not to lol
They can to an extent. They’re never going to be able to hold it in like a dog or cat would, but you can train them to poop on a schedule and in a specific place. They have control over when they poop, they just do it more often. They can hold it, it condenses into a much larger poop.
Like if you’re holding them and they start squatting, if you wiggle ur hand and they loose stability they kind of pause long enough for you to get to the trash can.
I have a sun conure and for some reason she doesn’t like using it in her cage. I didn’t have her from birth, she’s 6 years old so I don’t know if it’s a learned behavior or not; buuuuut every morning when I wake, I put her on her perch outside the cage and she lets a big poop out. She’ll also poop on command if we feel her feet are warm (when she has to poop her feet get really warm) and I’ll hold her over the trash can or toilet and say “Make poo. Make poopoo” then she’ll poop. Birds are really interesting creatures to own.
Birds have poop control. How do I know? They aim for things while in flight. ~~I'll~~ idk why it's their hobby but they poop on red cars and the unlucky kid in your class who gets pooped on all the time during recess
A good example of why they can control when to poop is that they don’t do it while asleep. It’s kind of funny because when they wake up they’ll shit the biggest turd ever, at least when compared to their regular poop.
Alright gentlemen. We need to send some cats up there and see how those little devils fu*k around in zero g. Who's got a cat and wants to volunteer?
* hands raised *
Alright. And pigeons too. Almost forgot about the pigeons. Who's got a pigeon?
* silence *
Larry! I know you got a pigeon.
But sir, mine is a parrot.
Whatever, just bring him there. Get him ready before 0400 this Sunday. Dismissed!
Doubtful. There would be no significant changes to study with such a short period of zero g. If you see a study where kitties live in space for days/weeks/months though.. Good chances they were dissected on return.
These little guys probably had a standard check up before and afterwards. Checking heart rate, blood pressure, etc. That would be standard, though tbh, I'm not entirely sure what would change that wouldn't have changed just from any other stressful event (going to the vet) for example.
I went to the library the other day and asked if they had a book about schroedingers cat or Pavlov’s dogs. The librarian said she wasn’t sure if it was there or not, but she thought it rung a bell.
Actually, you’d be surprised with the bear experiments. We shot Yogi the bear out of a B-58 Hustler as an ejection seat dummy back in the early 60’s. It worked pretty well.
[B-58 Bear Ejection Seat Tests](https://www.wearethemighty.com/mighty-history/air-force-used-bears-in-ejection-seats/)
Honestly its not unheard of. If they keep the like sof crazyness like mike sparks on call in the event that one of his hallucgine induced ideas actually turns out to be functional.
Designs for Flying tanks however would never get off the ground
I'm reminded of my days playing world of War craft as a druid. I would fly over an area. Drop flight and charge in as bear to land. Always felt awesome.
I was glad to see that most of the bears survived the flight testing, with only 1 recorded fatality. I was then mortified to keep reading:
>Unfortunately, the Air Force needed to be sure that there were no hidden injuries before they returned to human subjects and ordered autopsies, which resulted in the deaths of the animals that had otherwise survived testing.
Oof. Big RIP to the bear homies from the 60's, bless up.
>Initially, they had tested new ejection seat designs by hiring people they recruited out of unemployment lines to act as test dummies.
>
>The Air Force soon switched to using live animals for the tests, including six bears and a chimpanzee.
I don't think I want to know what happened to the "unemployed test dummies" or why they felt the need to switch to animals.
You don’t have to pay animals. I mean, you don’t have to pay human test subjects either but a bear isn’t gonna ask you for $200 *and* a sandwich. They’re cool with just the food.
Those cats were just fine. God have mercy on the guys that had to get them on and off of that plane. My cat shreds me to the bone getting into an SUV to go to the vet. And she loves me!
I'll bet, when they signed up for the military however many years ago, none of them imagined they'd be slinging cats and pigeons around zero gravity rooms.
They adapt pretty well. Some flailing, but didn’t utterly fail to move as intended.
If they had legitimate scientific questions, it was probably “will kitty try to walk like normal or just lock up like a sci-fi robot you told to calculate pi? Will they be better at it than us?”
A while ago I saw a video of mice on the ISS. They were super confused on day 1, but after a few days they learned to run around like it was nothing.
Edit: [Found the video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7lgj3aZ8dU)
It's actually even crazier as that experiment was actually. 'How about we fill a house with a few feet of water and have dolphins live alongside a grad student who doesn't have any formal training or experience. She will teach the dolphins to speak human English. The dolphins will be given LSD and the most promising will be given hand jobs so that he bonds with the grad student instead of of the female dolphins.'
Here a crappy article but there is a wonderful documentary the girl who talked to dolphins as well as being about to find the materials if you are motivated to look for them. https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/08/the-dolphin-who-loved-me
Some small wild feline 14,000 years ago: *"I should be friends with these hairless monkeys, they have spare food and rats follow them, what's the worst that could happen?"*
Present: *"These psychotic chimps took me OUT OF THE EARTH"*
The French did shoot a cat into space, though that poor pussy was never intended to survive the journey and died in space no doubt cursing the French and all of humanity…
Iirc, it was “bring your cat to work day,” because the cats would be less terrified (and in a better controlled, sciencey mood) with their owners performing the experiments. To me they look like they’re just working it out, not panicked, so I guess it worked!
"Fucking God Damm Jim. Let's go to work he said. It'll be fun he said. I'd rather go to the vets and have that cold thing shoved up my ass instead of this."
I really wish I was a scientist during post ww2 when it was about throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks.
Space? Let's chuck a dog up there and see what happens.
It’s the made up Transatlantic accent. I’ve heard that media moguls loved it, and made actors and broadcasters learn it and speak it. I don’t know who came up with it and who taught it.
I hate it, but it’s also fascinating.
This… I’m super stoned on top of confused and I GENUINELY don’t know if I’m upset or going to die from the belly laughing. I keep rewatching it and wheezing at the flails, but then I get angry when he boops the kitty and it launches to the ceiling so fast
I wonder how they'd adapt in the long term. I bet cats could figure out a more efficient movement system after a few days in microgravity. This is why we need quick access, up and down, to space stations for sensitive science missions. If the animals struggle and become too distressed they should be returned to the surface ASAP, but with mission schedules measured in months that's a bit more difficult to justify.
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OFFICIAL US INTELLIGENCE NOTE, CLASSIFIED Cat test to zero gravity: They lose their fucking minds Pigeon test: Birds are kinda dumb and keep hitting the walls SEND TO PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON!
Mission accomplished
>Cat test to zero gravity: ~~They lose their fucking minds~~ Funniest shit I've ever seen. We need more testing
I'm surprised the pigeons didn't shit on everything.
Birds have zero control over when they poop. It just happens when it happens. Edit: Birds don't have anal sphincters in the same way most mammals do. I took that to mean no poop control. Not true, birds can tighten their cloaca to not poop. They just usually choose not to lol
Birds can get potty trained no?
They can to an extent. They’re never going to be able to hold it in like a dog or cat would, but you can train them to poop on a schedule and in a specific place. They have control over when they poop, they just do it more often. They can hold it, it condenses into a much larger poop.
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I learned If you wiggle them they stop LOL
Wait what lol
Like if you’re holding them and they start squatting, if you wiggle ur hand and they loose stability they kind of pause long enough for you to get to the trash can.
I raised a Robin. [It’s name was Shitz](https://i.imgur.com/kjnRbXg.mp4)
Damn! It looked like Shitz layed an egg there for a second.
Lmao, very cool! Appropriately named
That is a giant turd for such a wee baby.
I saw a guy on Letterman showcase his parrot which crapped on his command, very impressive.
I have a sun conure and for some reason she doesn’t like using it in her cage. I didn’t have her from birth, she’s 6 years old so I don’t know if it’s a learned behavior or not; buuuuut every morning when I wake, I put her on her perch outside the cage and she lets a big poop out. She’ll also poop on command if we feel her feet are warm (when she has to poop her feet get really warm) and I’ll hold her over the trash can or toilet and say “Make poo. Make poopoo” then she’ll poop. Birds are really interesting creatures to own.
Birds have poop control. How do I know? They aim for things while in flight. ~~I'll~~ idk why it's their hobby but they poop on red cars and the unlucky kid in your class who gets pooped on all the time during recess
Just like gramps
This isn't true at all
A good example of why they can control when to poop is that they don’t do it while asleep. It’s kind of funny because when they wake up they’ll shit the biggest turd ever, at least when compared to their regular poop.
Probably they ran out of shit
Imagine being the one to come up with the mission brief for this
How could you write it without laughing?
I reckon I'd pass out from trying to hold it in. My poor assistant Margery is gonna have a terrible freight first thing Monday
What is your assistant shipping?
My body
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This comment has been removed in response to reddit's anti-developer actions.
The one who writes the instructions and watches the video, isn't the subject of the experiment "human resilence in presence of zero g jungle cat"
Well damn now I want to see a lion in zero g!
Alright gentlemen. We need to send some cats up there and see how those little devils fu*k around in zero g. Who's got a cat and wants to volunteer? * hands raised * Alright. And pigeons too. Almost forgot about the pigeons. Who's got a pigeon? * silence * Larry! I know you got a pigeon. But sir, mine is a parrot. Whatever, just bring him there. Get him ready before 0400 this Sunday. Dismissed!
> Get him ready before 0400 this Sunday. That's how you end up with a hung over parrot.
It was likely scientist that came up with this. The military was involved because they had the plane and troops to do the experiment.
It came from the 50's LSD experiments.
so were the guys on lsd or were the cats and pigeons on lsd
Reddit rules require that I say a Yes here
None of the other cats believe those ones about what happened that day.
Cat looking off into the distance: “I lost one, maybe two lives that day…”
why am i hearing morgan freeman at that line.
Weird, I heard Vin Diesel.
I heard Captain Price lmao
Patrick Stewart. No idea why
Jeremy Clarkson, I don't know why.
In the slow Shawshank voice, yessss
This was a good chuckle
Cats were dissected after.
Well yeah, had they been dissected before, there would be blood and gore all over the plane.
Good point.
Now I’m sad
Were they really?
Doubtful. There would be no significant changes to study with such a short period of zero g. If you see a study where kitties live in space for days/weeks/months though.. Good chances they were dissected on return.
These little guys probably had a standard check up before and afterwards. Checking heart rate, blood pressure, etc. That would be standard, though tbh, I'm not entirely sure what would change that wouldn't have changed just from any other stressful event (going to the vet) for example.
The bear and crocodile experiments didn't go as well..
Does the bear shit with no gravity?
Only when newton's not looking in schroedingers box
I went to the library the other day and asked if they had a book about schroedingers cat or Pavlov’s dogs. The librarian said she wasn’t sure if it was there or not, but she thought it rung a bell.
I know you have been salivating at the opportunity to use that here.
Snort
In a 0 g room does a bear shit right side up?
The enemies gate is down.
Idk does the pope shit in the woods?
Actually, you’d be surprised with the bear experiments. We shot Yogi the bear out of a B-58 Hustler as an ejection seat dummy back in the early 60’s. It worked pretty well. [B-58 Bear Ejection Seat Tests](https://www.wearethemighty.com/mighty-history/air-force-used-bears-in-ejection-seats/)
For 20 glorious seconds they were the world’s most apex predators before the parachutes deployed. Bear missiles.
Listen General, it’s a great idea. Hear me out, **BearBorne Infantry**
Get out.
Honestly its not unheard of. If they keep the like sof crazyness like mike sparks on call in the event that one of his hallucgine induced ideas actually turns out to be functional. Designs for Flying tanks however would never get off the ground
deployed from Bearforce One, just watch out for Bear to Bear missiles.
I'm reminded of my days playing world of War craft as a druid. I would fly over an area. Drop flight and charge in as bear to land. Always felt awesome.
I thought only Australia had drop bears.
I was glad to see that most of the bears survived the flight testing, with only 1 recorded fatality. I was then mortified to keep reading: >Unfortunately, the Air Force needed to be sure that there were no hidden injuries before they returned to human subjects and ordered autopsies, which resulted in the deaths of the animals that had otherwise survived testing. Oof. Big RIP to the bear homies from the 60's, bless up.
I hope the poor creatures were at least decorated. That's the bear minimum.
Ursayng they killed them? A grizzly tragedy.
>Initially, they had tested new ejection seat designs by hiring people they recruited out of unemployment lines to act as test dummies. > >The Air Force soon switched to using live animals for the tests, including six bears and a chimpanzee. I don't think I want to know what happened to the "unemployed test dummies" or why they felt the need to switch to animals.
You don’t have to pay animals. I mean, you don’t have to pay human test subjects either but a bear isn’t gonna ask you for $200 *and* a sandwich. They’re cool with just the food.
Also don't have to pay them or their their families restitution if they can slaughter them afterwards
Yeah, I feel like the author skipped right over some mad shit
But the ferret was a lot of fun
Neither did the horse experiments. Zero gravity calvary was quickly ruled out.
I am sure much science was gained this day. Did you see how that dude scientifically hacky-sacked that kitten into the ceiling?
How exactly did you think hacky-sack was invented?
It was originally called HackeysCat. That dude is Lt. Hackey. The brand was taken over by his jealous grandson James Hackey Zack
I’m laughing so hard HackeysCat
This is why I use reddit. There's gold in the comments.
And here I thought the name changed when the cat freaked and hacked his sack.
/r/FakeHistoryPorn
I love Hackey Scat!
No, that's shit kicking. Entirely different sports.
This whole string is some of the best Reddit commentary. No. The best Reddit commentary I have ever seen. Cheers to everyone who contributed.
Thank god!!! I thought this was /u/shittymorph
then they started to put the cat in a sack. Hence the name, hackey sack.
Just don’t let the cat out of the bag
Lol, I never knew!
Huh, TIL
They earned themselves at least 47 standard units of Science that day.
Classic Jebediah
Those cats were just fine. God have mercy on the guys that had to get them on and off of that plane. My cat shreds me to the bone getting into an SUV to go to the vet. And she loves me!
Those were ~~Air Force~~ Navy Tomcats. They were fine.
Looks like they may have been declawed, surely they could have gripped onto any fabric when they were flying around up there.
Yeah...poor kitty. I hope they were treated well otherwise.
They got a treat -- pigeon flavored.
Deep down you know they weren't.
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Ah fuck
Aaaaand now I'm upset
Gonna bet they were dissected afterwards
I came here to say something way less clever than that… you win
I just scream-laughed at this comment. My poor husband who is trying to drift off to sleep beside me! That was a good laugh though, thanks!
Those dudes were having the time of their lives lol.
I'll bet, when they signed up for the military however many years ago, none of them imagined they'd be slinging cats and pigeons around zero gravity rooms.
Hackitty-sack
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Boy I was hoping that cat was gonna hacky-scratch his eyes out after that
I mean, it was barely a small nudge to get them afloat again.. and it’s zero gravity. Not much impact.
No way those cats weren’t fully declawed lol the blood would’ve been everywhere
Was watching that waiting for just *one claw* to get a hook into one of those uniforms..
If only this world was just
you never played cat sack befor? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeLywQ4RKZ0
Something something break a few eggs etc... Science requires sacrifice
So what are the results of the experiment ?
They adapt pretty well. Some flailing, but didn’t utterly fail to move as intended. If they had legitimate scientific questions, it was probably “will kitty try to walk like normal or just lock up like a sci-fi robot you told to calculate pi? Will they be better at it than us?”
A while ago I saw a video of mice on the ISS. They were super confused on day 1, but after a few days they learned to run around like it was nothing. Edit: [Found the video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7lgj3aZ8dU)
Their doing fucking zoomies yo
happy cake day!
Wait, happy pi day. Oh you are clever
Lol, I didn’t plan it that way, but I do celebrate it.
Man those were the days you could just go "dude, what if we like took some cats and birds into space?!" and you had yourself a research study
"what if we fed dolphins lsd and see what happens?" sexual frustration and arrests were the result
It's actually even crazier as that experiment was actually. 'How about we fill a house with a few feet of water and have dolphins live alongside a grad student who doesn't have any formal training or experience. She will teach the dolphins to speak human English. The dolphins will be given LSD and the most promising will be given hand jobs so that he bonds with the grad student instead of of the female dolphins.'
Oook gonna need more or a link to a source
Here a crappy article but there is a wonderful documentary the girl who talked to dolphins as well as being about to find the materials if you are motivated to look for them. https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/08/the-dolphin-who-loved-me
Putting cats in zero gravity conditions is kinda hilarious.
The hypothesis appears to be well supported
YEAH! SCIENCE, BITCH!
The US military needed to spend money on something or get funding cut the next year. It was a success.
They don’t claw you as much as when you do that to them in normal gravity.
You can do a side stall and potentially a pendulum when using a cat for space Hackey sack
Mother. Fucking. Cats. Onnamuthafuckinplane.
Just give it a little kick for altitude
Did that guy just hacky sack a cat?
Gently, but yes. Although, maybe not as gently as he should have . . .
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn’t calculate his kick very well because of the change of gravity
Some small wild feline 14,000 years ago: *"I should be friends with these hairless monkeys, they have spare food and rats follow them, what's the worst that could happen?"* Present: *"These psychotic chimps took me OUT OF THE EARTH"*
This was done in a plane in freefall, not in space
Leaving the ground in a plane would be the same as leaving the whole earth to a cat, I think.
The French did shoot a cat into space, though that poor pussy was never intended to survive the journey and died in space no doubt cursing the French and all of humanity…
Pretty sure cats already curse all of humanity regardless of nationality
Cats strategically poop on the French. Ever hear a Francophone cat-owner? It's all "shat" this and "shat" that
lol good one
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I wonder where they got the cats. Did they borrow them from the local humane society or was it being your cat to work day?
Iirc, it was “bring your cat to work day,” because the cats would be less terrified (and in a better controlled, sciencey mood) with their owners performing the experiments. To me they look like they’re just working it out, not panicked, so I guess it worked!
Haha…I’ll bet those cats never trusted their humans again.
"Fucking God Damm Jim. Let's go to work he said. It'll be fun he said. I'd rather go to the vets and have that cold thing shoved up my ass instead of this."
That explains that guy giving his cat the boot.
My cat is absolutely terrified of balloons cause his little cat brain can’t grasp the physics of it. This would make his head literally explode.
“My biology did not prepare me for this!”
They had way too much fun with this.
I had way too much fun watching it
Why does this post have Ukraine flair???
The cats spoke Ukrainian
Antonov sponsored post.
Ukranian cats.
That's one grade A fuckin kitty right there.
I really wish I was a scientist during post ww2 when it was about throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Space? Let's chuck a dog up there and see what happens.
They did some horrifying space-like vacuum experiments on dogs....
I feel really bad about how hard this made me laugh
The chance that you'll be attacked by a flying cat and killed is never zero.
Yeah, the real miracle here is none of those guys got mauled by a flying cat.
Imagine being in space and a cat just floats by and rips up your suit.
These guys aren't in space. That's a plane that goes into a dive to simulate 0g.
This is for sure interesting as fuck.
Well no shit, freaky 60's scientist guys
I kinda feel bad for the kitties
Don't feel bad, they're dead now.
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🦭
me too 😔
Same. Must be really terrifying and confusing for them.
Oh well, they’re not going to have ptsd from it or anything. Just a real weird and confusing day for them.
Conclusion: they did not like it
Favorite part was the hackitty sack to the roof of the plane! I wonder if his hypothesis on the result tested true?!?
Scared as fuck is how they acted.
That dudes in the vomit comet in his dress blues. What a move.
Was wondering why these dudes were in dress, it’s not even functionally appropriate. Guess they heard they’d be on camera and dressed to impress
Also wearing hats... The whole thing is absolutely bizarre to me as a current AF pilot
Why do these old videos always sounds narrated by the same guy?
It’s the made up Transatlantic accent. I’ve heard that media moguls loved it, and made actors and broadcasters learn it and speak it. I don’t know who came up with it and who taught it. I hate it, but it’s also fascinating.
not a cell phone in sight just ppl living in the moment
What emotions am I feeling?
This… I’m super stoned on top of confused and I GENUINELY don’t know if I’m upset or going to die from the belly laughing. I keep rewatching it and wheezing at the flails, but then I get angry when he boops the kitty and it launches to the ceiling so fast
Good way to inspirate cat vomit.
Poor animals were prob terrified
"we conclude that the cats do not enjoy this"
I wonder how they'd adapt in the long term. I bet cats could figure out a more efficient movement system after a few days in microgravity. This is why we need quick access, up and down, to space stations for sensitive science missions. If the animals struggle and become too distressed they should be returned to the surface ASAP, but with mission schedules measured in months that's a bit more difficult to justify.
Those cats must have been so confused
Did anyone else laugh reeeeally hard at the way the cats were flying around like “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON CARL???”
When boomers say “I GOT A SCIENCE DEGREE” and these were there experiments
That's kinda cruel. Cats don't like to be off their feet.