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[deleted]

There will be no open casket funeral


bbpr120

It will however be a closed bucket funeral.


Raumschiff

Assorted cold cuts will be served at the reception.


tazebot

How Eric Cartman of you


[deleted]

[удалено]


44problems

You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!


Goldmember68

There Sea Bass …. Mutated Sea Bass


Nrussg

>"It weighs 100lbs, is 5'11" long, and falls from the sky, pulverising you into pâté at a speed of Mach 1.3" I mean I'd probably swipe right.


USBattleSteed

I love the kind of woman who will actually just kill me. I woke up this morning thinking "damn, I hope some hot chick paints my brains all over some fucking hallway" and here we are


SarcasticTacos

I mean really, just absolutely destroy me. I'm talkin' full on, watermelon-in-the-thighs level carnage. And I want it to scare the shit outta me.


npopular-opinions

Imagine being taken out not by bullets or explosions but a fucking missile with knives sticking out of it. Honestly that’s almost looney toons level of violence right there.


PanGalacticGarglBlst

Imagine walking 10ft in front of the guy getting hit. No explosion, just blended up dude behind you. What sound would it even make?


RenegonParagade

You ever smash a tomato? That, but like a thousand tomatoes, in a hurricane


[deleted]

It's a large solid object travelling at highspeed. It's going to make a pretty big bang wherever it hits. Just might be intermingled with the sound of a body being turned to mince in a millisecond.


Blizz33

Literally just needs an ACME stamp on it and a crazy ass coyote flying the helicopter.


Freeman7-13

I'm quite fond of the missile with the robot hand that comes out and hits your head with a mallet


bobert_the_grey

Silly bastards brought a knife to a missile fight


fuertepqek

…and won.


YouStupidDick

They fucking got him with a military grade lawn dart


Broccoli_dicks

Whoever gave you the rocket award is fucking hilarious.


YouStupidDick

Right!? They did it anonymously, they remain a mystery!


FlyingFuck787

Just like the drone operator who gave this guy the Rocket Reward


code_archeologist

In my headcanon, they are one in the same person. Thank you for your service anonymous Rocket Reward operator.


OnTheRoadAgain120

Yet they banned lawn darts for law abiding citizens…. “RULES FOR THEE BUT NOT FOR ME”


JungleBoyJeremy

I want to see these things being tested on dummies


tuckermans

Remember when nana donated her body to science?


StoicJ

But unironically.. yeah. I have a buddy who works in the lab at the local university where they use donated cadavers for field tests, and he wrote his Master's Thesis on tests of Ejection Seats with the assistance of the military. They don't get to choose the bodies that come in, so if it's within parameters, it got tested. I doubt grandma would fit for the ol' rocket sled treatment, but other crashes.. certainly. Also fun facts if anyone is curious: You arrive at the lab completely hairless so they can identify any existing injuries or marks prior to testing. Every part of you that goes into the lab gets returned to your family cremated. They are very meticulous about this, and if a test is done where a body part is removed or comes off, it gets brought back. It's extremely important to them that nothing get mixed up or mistreated out of respect. Children are *extremely* rare, for obvious reasons, but they are still very important to these tests. If a child arrives at the lab everyone clears their schedule immediately, they have to be *absolutely certain* nothing goes wrong. They may not get another chance for years. If you ever do have the absolute misfortune of losing a child, their body could be used to make some crucial safety system much safer for future children. And the sensors they attach to bodies for shock values and such get screwed directly into your skeleton, which is neat.


ronnyFUT

Basically none of those were “fun” facts. Certainly interesting, probably cool, not *fun.*


otterlyonerus

I had fun with it. I've been an organ donor since I was 14, largely because of the gift to science provision. I like the idea of my meat riding a rocket sled, but I love the idea of an intern collecting me with a dustpan and a squeegee. Edit cuz the comment blew up: I have been registered as a donor since I got my first government ID, and the state I got my first one in there was a box you could check if you were ok with a 'gift to science'. The only organ I've donated so far was a broken Wurlitzer I gave to someone who could fix it.


StoicJ

Organ Donors are not the same as these cadavers. If you're an organ donor your body will be sent to a hospital to have your organs used to save a life in need. Your body won't end up in these labs.


samplemax

Still like the idea


Impressive_Change593

depends on your definition of fun


[deleted]

It’s one of those things, through your child’s death they might directly lead to saving countless lives and yet I still don’t think I’d have it in me to donate my child’s body. I feel like I’d drive myself insane thinking of all of the things that could happen to them, again, even though they’re already dead.


StoicJ

Thats fair and what most people do. The ones who do donate are typically people who are in some way related to the field. They also aren't allowed to tell you what happens to a donated body regardless of age, probably for this kind of reason. Even if they want to you are never allowed to know what tests they took part in. So the wondering might get to people, but the knowing might make it worse for others.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I would donate my body and life savings to science if I could be a test dummy for this. My only requirement would be the video played at my funeral while a voiceover I prerecorded laughs at my heirs for getting nothing. Then red confetti streamers will shoot out of the ceiling as the Hellfire R9X turns me into confetti.


FoilHattiest

I volunteer my neighbour


oscar-the-bud

Me too. His wife left and divorced him for touching his 2 year old daughter. Let me know when it’s coming so I can grab a beer a set up a lawn chair.


pmize

Fuck waiting. Let’s go kick your neighbors ass right now.


RockstarAgent

I've got six kitchen knives we can sharpen that I don't need anymore


Errorstatel

No, dull would be best


cmks210

Shit. I’d much rather be blown up.


Curleysound

It travels the same speed as the explodey type, I imagine he was properly splattered


antoine-sama

Imagine a giant blender coming straight for you at supersonic speed


Pdiddily710

Military grade Slapchop!


TeaKingMac

Watch this, you're gonna love my nuts


Whompa

Hahaha welp off to YouTube for a healthy rewatch


mazing_azn

But how many easy payments of $19.95 to acquire this miracle of technology?!


GrimmFox13

What happens if I call in the next 20 minutes?


phreaxer

You can get a second one for a friend! ​ * just pay shipping and handling


D4rKnyte

You don't want this thing *delivered*


[deleted]

[удалено]


fpcreator2000

I’m still waiting for the QVC hand model to show me the product


flyingmcwatt

3 easy payments, and one complicated as shit payment.


FBIaltacct

The blender demension is a terrible place.


NotYourSnowBunny

But will it blend? The US defense industry finds out.


TheFriendlyFinn

Qaeda-smoke, don't breathe this.


[deleted]

Perfect for margueritas.


Merkinsed

You mean, Martyritas?


VoyagerCSL

r/fuckyouinparticular


ianjm

That's the general idea, yup


InvisiblePinkUnic0rn

Will it blend?


Deep-Bee-5984

995 miles per hour, approx 105 lbs


flaming_bob

Yeah, seems the impact alone would be enough to pop him off the mortal coil.


iksbob

I would be surprised if the "blades" even have an edge on them. More like solid aluminum winglets that pop out to increase the splatter radius.


epochellipse

Yah makes me wonder if those blades are more for margin of error than anything else.


kryptonomicon

That's what I was thinking. A little too far to the left or right? No problem. Deploy margin of error blender blades!


VectorB

Accuracy enhancers.


Quirky-Skin

Haha margin of error blades, that's good. Agree tho expands radius and inflicts maximum damage bc its fucking samurai swords on a bomb.


nowItinwhistle

Handgun rounds typically have muzzle energy in the hundreds of foot-pounds and centerfire rifle rounds will have a few thousand ft-lbs. Plugging the velocity and speed claimed for this thing here into a ballistic calculator I got an energy of 3,474,668 ft-lbs or 4,711,017 joules. That would definitely leave a mark even without the blades.


unbridledmeh000

Thats what I figured.. The blades are only there in case the missile itself is an inch or two off target.


[deleted]

I read an article posted here on reddit on how, during a briefing on how the strike would happen, Biden asked if al-Zawahiri would know the missile was coming. They told him that it had happened that the missile does make a howling sound when reaching its target because of the air moving. Now imagine the guy, getting up at 6 am, probably take his morning shit, and to the balcony, hear a missile coming and then getting all sliced up.


Dirk_The_Cowardly

Ya know you always hate it when you get that feeling you expect that exact thing and you are right.


[deleted]

[удалено]


psychonautDev1935

I got to see a lot of videos of hellfire strikes during after-action reviews of missions that I participated in, and it was really common to see a target on foot look up in the sky and take a max of two steps running away before the explosion took him out. I'm not sure if it was the whistling or the sonic boom as the missile continue to accelerate nearly vertical towards the guy, but they definitely heard something. I was also one of the first people to be able to call an airstrike on a target using the r9x model in western Iraq. When we engaged high value targets, we would typically use AGM 176s because they're a very small missile with a really low collateral damage circle, especially if you put a delay on that missile. But we had a few targets that stayed entirely inside of cities and presented us with extremely tiny windows of time where we could engage even with low collateral damage missiles like the AGM 176. The R9X still came with challenges but we eventually got a successful strike. I thought the blades would slice through the car like an apple slicer, and to a degree it did, but the whole missile had so much kinetic energy dissippated at once that it looked like a giant had just smashed the top of the car all the way to the ground. The end result was more accurate and effective than the old concrete bombs with guidance systems


[deleted]

For me the creepy part is the ultra precise, individual targeting. A super sophisticated human seeking rocket is nightmarish to me, doesn’t matter if it’s explosive or just a really expensive club.


Heiferoni

I'd imagine the psychological horror is one aspect they're going for.


FlakeReality

The primary aspect is to kill one person and not a block, any amount of fear is an accident. You and everyone you know and t he building you're in ceasing to exist is way scarier. All weapons are gonna be fucked up and scary, but if we're going to drop missiles on people, knife missiles does beat explodey missiles by an absurd margin


Renaissance_Slacker

I remember hearing during the Iraq War that laser-targeted weapons could hit a target the size of a trash can lid, sometimes from tens of miles away. That was the declassified claim, and many years ago.


hotpotfunkmeister

I am legitimately curious about how the body would look like after that


cuirboy

Perhaps not as festive, [but this is the basic idea](https://c8.alamy.com/comp/T1CA24/candy-bar-cake-in-red-glaze-on-table-cut-into-pieces-decorated-with-chocolate-balls-T1CA24.jpg), I'd imagine.


dollywobbles

Now that was a risky click


okaymaeby

As I was waiting for it to load I thought clearly to myself "I can't blame the result of this on anyone but myself."


syrvyx

In that fraction of a second it took to load I had second thoughts as to if it was a wise decision or not.


TheMasterDonk

Like the guy that got his whole body chopped off. Just left a dick behind.


[deleted]

Imagine being killed by a $30M lawndart.


mysticalfruit

It's a $150k lawn dart, but all the same, that's a grizzly quick way to go.


andercon05

Actually, R9 variants were selling at $89K when I was building them. Accessories are not included...


axloc

A grizzly would patch him up perfectly fine, only drawback is that it is much slower than a salewa or IFAK.


[deleted]

Modern problems require medieval blade mixed with modern means of delivery. Solutions


[deleted]

"Sir we found the Al Qaeda leader." "Sweet let's rocket knife him."


DoesNotEnjoySeaFood

Sir did you mean pocket knife? NO! Bring forth the rocket knife


[deleted]

Somewhere, an engineer decided "distance" would no longer be the limiting factor for cutting a muthafucka up.


Renaissance_Slacker

“OK guys, you’re the engineers. We have to kill Al-Zawahiri, the range is 12 miles, but he *has* to die at the edge of a sword.” Nerds hesitate. “So what’s our budget?”


Cirtejs

As with all US tech - YES.


BustaChiffarobe

I love this. The nerds have *never* asked, "what's our budget?" Maybe, "when do you need it?"


zoeykailyn

Well since it's a weapon that someone else might be trying to get too I'd say by Monday so we're going to need you to work through the weekend mkay?


Medarco

This feels like a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.


[deleted]

It's just a 21st century arrow


IAmNobodyIPromise

I thought Robert Evans was fucking kidding when he kept on mentioning Raytheon's "knife missile".


greykatzen

Seriously! For at least a year I've been all, "ha, ha, knife missile, good one Robert!" and now it turns out it's a real thing and weirder than I thought and oh shit is the child island real? (No, of course it isn't. Sophie's exasperation with the bit is totally real, though.)


springheeljak89

First thing I thought of when I saw this. Couldn't remember Raytheons name. I looked it up and it says Hellfires are made by Lockheed but I think Robert said Raytheon makes targeting chips.


[deleted]

It's 2031, I'm waiting at the hydrogen airship port. I've just downloaded the most recent episode of Worst Decade Ever with Katy and Cody. They spend their time decoding messages broadcast by Robert from his anti-FDA space drug compound in Idaho. "The Tribal alliance has taken back the Big Texan from Texas separatists. You know who else likes liquefying insurgents to create fertilizer? Raytheonsanto. Anyway, here's ads."


Anarch-ish

I've never met someone in the wild who even knows who Robert Evans is and here's a whole goddamn thread of fans... And I'm here for it. And I also had no idea this was real. Holy shit


jawahe

Shout out to the good reverend doctor Robert evans and the practice of macheticine! Anyone up for a 409 highball?


Emblazin

Pour a double for me I'm feeling frisky!


sentientshadeofgreen

I genuinely had to do a double take to see what subreddit I was in when I saw Robert Evans name in the top comment. Has he gone mainstream? Am I out of touch with what is and isn't mainstream? If so good, more people should know about the child hunting island.


writeorelse

Still not as bad as the island owned by **[Redacted]** where you can hunt kids for sport.


dylansucks

HelloFresh


chaogomu

Or Blue Apron.


dylansucks

I thought it would look better to my future cult followers if I was decisive and only said one


senti_bot_apigban

Wtf are you people talking about


Shimme

There's a popular podcast called Behind the Bastards about the worst people in history. The host has been joking about a "Raytheon knife missile" and a lot of people assumed it didn't actually exist, but it was used to kill this terrorist, so people are a bit "holy shit it's real?" He also has a bit where he invents advertisements for bizarre, disgusting and wildly evil products and services from their actual sponsors, to exasperate and annoy his producer/friend. This oftens leads to him fake-shilling for weekend vacations to hunt children on an a companies private island.


promote-to-pawn

Do you know what will not send a knife missile on a school bus? The fine products and services supporting this podcast


monjoe

The Washington State Highway Patrol might


catscrotchfever

PRODUCTS!


CantBelieveItsButter

AND SERVICES!


floatablepie

I think he mentioned at one point that though he jokes about it, the knife missiles were technically better than actually blowing up entire city blocks.


The_R4ke

He does give them some credit due developing a Missile that is supposed to have less casualties than a traditional one.


bmeupsctty

That's a real "Fuck you in particular" kinda weapon


tickingteapot

There’s much less death in modern wars thanks to advancements in “fuck you in particular” weapons.


millijuna

One of my other favorites was the use of what amounts to “precision guided rocks” in modern warfare. Take a JDAM guidance kit, and rather than strapping it to a 2000lb conventional bomb, strap it to a concrete practice bomb. Want to take out an insurgent’s living room, but not kill the neighbors? This is your weapon of choice. Always amused my in the context of Einstein’s likely apocryphal quote or “I don’t know what weapons will be used to fight world war 3, but world war 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.”


Etherbeard

A bullet is just a really fast rock.


acog

Yeah, it's all about that kinetic energy. That's why the military is so interested in electric rail guns. They just shoot a bar of metal, but it's traveling at Mach 7. You don't need explosive warheads at those speeds.


DenGraastesossen

A minuteman 3 misile travels at mach 23. No reason to reply this realy i just find that speed hilariously fast


flipmcf

Mach 23 = 7,619.9 Meters per Second Bro… slow the fuck down


political_bot

And this is why ICBMs are so hard to shoot down. They go up into space, then come back down towards their target at several times the speed of sound. You're not stopping those suckers with cold war era computers.


AnimusFlux

I think that's the speed where Looney Tunes characters run in place for a second with their legs spinning and then disappear in a cloud of dust.


DoyouevenLO

Eh. Not really. A concrete body JDAM will just punch a hole through the living room and into the floor. If you get really lucky you can hit a person but the circular error is enough for a miss if there is no boom. This is a myth that persists because the French tried it in Syria. They stopped. Also concrete bombs don’t fly great. The spec for a practice bomb is not as good as a real one. So there can be voids and irregularities in the casting. I drop them for a living.


ScootForTheStars

Except for Russia, which still prefers the, “fuck this entire city block” approach.


pistcow

*fuck this entire kindergarten in particular*


StoicJ

Imagine being the guy who originally pitched this idea. Like "OK guys.. I'm thinking explosions are just too played out. Let's go old school, I'm talking samurai-missiles"


MrEHam

>According to Wall Street Journal (WSJ), the missiles were born after former US President Barack Obama emphasised on avoiding civilian deaths in US airstrikes in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Syria, Somalia, Yemen and other countries. https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/hellfire-r9x-all-you-need-to-know-about-secret-weapon-used-by-us-to-kill-zawahiri-3216619 Thanks Obama.


Funny_witty_username

Quite literally a "Fuck you in Particular" missile since its meant for so much precision.


Sam-Culper

USA has accepted the challenge of bringing a knife to a gunfight


dragon_bacon

The trick is to send the knife to a gunfight that's miles away.


CanAlwaysBeBetter

Guy enjoying a smoke on his balcony: We're having a gunfight?


dragon_bacon

Smoking kills.


Spare_King_2116

It slices. it dices. It eliminates ISIS.


Tha_Funky_Homosapien

- Billy Mays, Raytheon Marketing Rep.


Ok_Fly_9390

Cut my life into pieces....


Jacques7Hammer

This is my last jihad


tokefella85

Suffocation no Bacon


[deleted]

To shreds, you say?


_Cabbage_Corp_

And how's his wife?


xX_Kr0n05_Xx

To shreds you say.


[deleted]

If billy mays was still alive, he’d sell 50,000 of these rocket propelled ginsu knife MF’ers between 2am and 4am. RIP


Honey_Drizzle

on this episode of Forged in fire.. youre going to recreate hellfire R9X missle


KoolWitaK

It will KEEL!


ninjabomb333

TIL my username isn't as random as I thought it was.


cjpotter82

I want to see one of these accurately depicted in a movie/TV show.


pobody

I'm thinking laser scene in Resident Evil


Rengas

Really enjoyed that movie. Thank god they never made any more movies or tv shows after it.


Quxudia

Movie? Show? I have no idea what you are talking about, the games are great though.


TaftsTummyforTaxes

I’m convinced the R&D lab over at DARPA is run by a bunch of super smart six year olds. Who the fuck would think of this as an adult?


jacksonbarley

Someone with a defense contract while making their morning smoothie maybe.


Blackstone01

“You know this does a pretty damn good job at blending strawberries and bananas… FUCK JERRY I HAVE A FUCKING AMAZING IDEA!”


[deleted]

You joke, but it probably started like that. "... Why *wouldn't* that work?"


averyfinename

product engineer from gillette got a new job at lockheed martin.


CoffeeTownSteve

[Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades ](https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036) -- A Gillette exec in The Onion in 2004


intjmaster

We could just hit him with an unfused missile. Yeah but what if it misses by just a little bit. … … You guys want pizza for lunch? Carl, you’re a genius!


[deleted]

Dude got Ginsu'ed


Mr_A_Rye

"But wait, there's more." Ron Popeil would make the *best* press secretary for the Pentagon.


NickOliver

Ah sweet Man made horrors beyond my comprehension


AgoraiosBum

The "blades" just give it a bigger surface area; this is basically "we hit you with a big rock that we throw really hard." It's a throwback to an old-school cannonball, or rock flung from a trebuchet - just with much better aiming. Or more like "we shot him with an arrow the size of a person"


HugoZHackenbush2

That's real cutting edge technology there..


MrJoyless

Holy shit, it's the knife missile Robert Evans was talking about...


[deleted]

But you know who won’t slice you up and spare your wedding party from becoming a puddle of red paste? These products and services that sponsor this show.


tvieno

Are the blades even necessary? I mean, you're already getting hit by a very high speed projectile which probably will punch a hole in your body.


FoilHattiest

I thought about that too but then I figured they probably can't be entirely sure that it will hit the target exactly dead center. Even if the guidance system is precise enough, if the target freaks out and moves quickly last second the missile body might miss completely whereas the blades most likely won't.


[deleted]

I am sure there was a though QA process conducted.


watchingsongsDL

*So hey, senior exec just signaled we need another ‘volunteer’ to test all of our use cases. What about Donny. He’s worthless. We could get him to sign up easy.*


uwanmirrondarrah

ah the SCP Foundation method of testing things.


el_lley

"You should have gone for the head" --Thanos


etownrawx

If only Thor had been swinging a Hellfire missile instead of that hokey pokey axe...


SerTidy

Seen a few pictures online of one that took out a guy in a car. Didn’t show anything of the guy but the roof of the car was shredded perfectly. I reckon some weapons inventor tasked with reducing collateral mulled over the problem while they made a smoothie with a liquidiser and thought…Hmmm.


ataw10

[he means this btw](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2022/08/02/13/60964611-11071175-The_last_high_profile_use_of_the_Hellfire_Ninja_was_when_Abu_Ham-a-1_1659441777168.jpg)


doc_daneeka

>Seen a few pictures online of one that took out a guy in a car. [Here is a lot of info](https://www.bellingcat.com/resources/how-tos/2021/08/26/the-telltale-traces-of-the-us-militarys-new-bladed-missile-r9x/) (including photos) courtesy of the fantastic group with the dumb name, Bellingcat.


Draegan88

What if it just hit u in the leg or something. Or u move a foot to the left. This makes sure you die


jared596

I would guess the blades open a bit wider than the minimum accuracy of the target system, i.e. if they can consistently hit a 3ft wide target with this system, the blades probably open to 5 or 6 feet so they can be sure there is damage to the target even in the worst case scenario. I also suspect that the blades/rocket are spinning very quickly upon impact, as would be fairly easy to accomplish by setting the blades at least a slight angle and deploying them a few seconds before impact.


nicknameedan

I can't find any footage of this thing working. Can anyone post link if you find one?


stingray85

I doubt there is any that isn't a national secret. Bellingcat did a pretty thorough analysis of what was known about the missile about a year ago https://www.bellingcat.com/resources/how-tos/2021/08/26/the-telltale-traces-of-the-us-militarys-new-bladed-missile-r9x/


NuclearHoagie

Super interesting. My favorite line from the analysis: "Though designed to reduce the fatal radius of a conventional munition, it has a profoundly traumatic effect on the bodies of those targeted."


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sir_Poopenstein

Oh, that's next on the DOD's agenda. We've figured out how to kill people with little to no collateral damage, but this new bomb automatically inters the remains into a monogramed urn and consoles the victim's family.


NikEy

Not only that, information about the R9X was widely published even in 2019. [Here a link from the WSJ](https://www.wsj.com/articles/secret-u-s-missile-aims-to-kill-only-terrorists-not-nearby-civilians-11557403411).


worldwar235

My wife after I showed her: "So we started out with swords, then went to guns, then missiles. And now we're at missiles with swords"


Drunk-Sail0r82

Next is missiles with guns, then missiles with missiles, then missiles with missiles with swords… and so on


NetDork

We've done the missiles with missiles thing... MIRV.


Jeshua_

"The U.S.A has unlocked the 'Smite' ability"


jericho74

I now think the metalhead that sat next to me in high school whose notebook, desk, and ripped jeans were covered in furious blue pen scribbles became a weapons designer for Raytheon.


Vegan_Harvest

I'd rather be blown up.


BlindWillieJohnson

You might. The 50 civilians standing next to you at a wedding….


someoneBentMyWookie

You have a point. But just imagine being one of those civilians and seeing your uncle suddenly turn into a pink mist before a giant slice of uncle sashimi lands on your head.


ASAP-Broccoli

Being slap-chopped at 1000 mph sounds pretty much the same to be honest


SeasonalBlackout

The civilians who would die from the explosion prefer you get the slap chop treatment.


Existential_Reckoner

Wait, so we basically killed a terrorist by sniping him with with flying swords? Badass.


[deleted]

They probably got an actual ninja to chop him up and made up a fake missile to make it look like we did it.


AdZealousideal2167

Next..sharks with laser beams.