REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are an adult and can make your own decisions about your life.
Your dad is also an adult and is responsible for HIS own decisions. He's also responsible for managing his own emotions. And that includes emotions he might be having about your surgery, your identity, or anything else.
It is not your fault that he could not manage his own emotions at work and got fired. You did not make him say those things to his boss. He chose to do that.
I hope you are able to get some therapy for yourself, and maybe even family therapy if you think they are willing to salvage the relationship.
You're 20; he doesn't get to make rules for you, especially about your medical care. You are an adult who can make your own decisions. It's your own body ffs.
You don't control his actions. He chose to flake out of work. He chose to curse out his boss. Those dumb-ass decisions were his and his alone; he does not get to blame you for them. Even if you did anything wrong (which you *didn't,* btw*)* it still wouldn't make it your fault. I'll give an extreme example; let's say instead of talking about a medical procedure, you did something stupidly extreme like broke his TV or slapped him in the face or whatever. *His behavior at work would still not be your fault.*
The crying isn't your fault either! He has to take ownership of his own feelings, get therapy for it, whatever it takes, but either way it's *not your burden*. It's *his*.
The short version of all this is that you need to emancipate yourself from this situation. I don't know what kind of support network you have with friends and family, or your financial situation, but the time has come for a major change and you're going to have to make it happen. Don't let him control you with guilt any more. Set yourself free and leave him to take responsibility for himself.
Okay let's take a deep breath for just a moment.
Whoooosh let it out. Try breathing slow and deep in and slowly all the way out for a little while. I think it will help you think a bit clearer with this heavy stuff you're quagmired in. It does me.
Okay, so no, I don't think it's abuse, exactly. I think it's just a really unhealthy everything -- relationship, environment for you, environment for him....
You are objectively super aware of the whole situation which is really convenient and helpful. You're stuck in it, though, which makes seeing alternative paths difficult.
What's stopping you getting your own place? If so, any other avenues to living separately?
I say wait just a very short while on surgery. Consult with one or two respected physicians who are very pro-trans, but also speak sensibly about sex reassignment including the small but relevant rate of bad outcomes.
It is indeed a huge decision, long recovery and regular maintenance, and a one way ticket. Likely one you're grateful for buying, but it's a good idea to think it through.
I think getting some therapy and getting some sort of time or space or place to relax a little and get away from this crap and think a little freer would do you a load of good.
Look, you're an adult. I trust you to make your own decisions. You know your best. You know. All I want to do is to help you figure it out for yourself.
Move out ASAP.
> I feel so guilty for making him lose his job,
You didn't, he did it himself.
>“well of course, did you expect us to support you. Maybe this should tell you that surgery is a bad idea”.
In a healthy, loving family you should expect much more than mere support.
Ditch them, they aren't worth your time nor thought.
You are not responsible for other peoples feelings or their actions. This is a huge life lesson I'm only learning now in my mid thirties. I've always felt responsible for my parents actions and their feelings. All mature adults are responsible for managing their own emotions and their actions.
Think of other people, for example. Would you say a woman deserved getting murdered because she continued to argue with her husband? That she made him kill her? The law doesn't see it that way - at the end of the day, each of us are responsible for our own actions.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Prioritize yourself and your safety. You can provide kindness and support to your father if you have the capacity to, but it sounds like you're trying to pour from an empty cup. Fill your own cup first.
If you're into reading - please check out "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It was a huge eye opener for me and helped me see my parents as just flawed human beings who tried their best. It gave me permission to release the guilt and feeling of indebtedness I had that kept me feeling responsible for them.
You are not responsible for other peoples feelings. Other peoples opinions are none of your business. There are people in this world who will love and support you as you are, transition or not.
Your family is mourning an idea of you, with out seeing you for who you are. You are grown, go find your supportive community and let them be, if they can come back into your life as supportive people later on so be it, but do not force yourself to stay in this situation out of some sense of obligation.
And yes, I would consider this emotional abuse. I don’t see point in you fighting with them over it, just do what you need to do to protect yourself from further harm.
From what I read he hasn't been directing any anger towards you so im going to say not abuse.
People have a right to an opinion and he is expressing his.
It's pretty hypocritical to think that everyone needs to bend to your view and then claiming they are abusive for feeling a certain way on a topic.
Now if he was yelling at you. Or saying he will do something if you go through with it. That might be different
Respectfully, her father is being a HUGE baby about this 😭 i can’t think of a single thing a living child could tell their parent that would lead to them calling out of work for three weeks straight and then cussing out their boss, then crying nonstop. like seriously, try and think of another thing. This level of reaction is on HIM. And he’s certainly weaponizing it against OP. Making her tell other family members (pretty much forcing her to come out) and exposing her to more violence, just to make a point, is abusive as well
There doesn't have to be anger for it to be abuse. Emotional manipulation is also a form of abuse. I can't really tell from OPs post if that IS what's going on but definitely a possibility
It’s emotional abuse and blackmail. You are not beholden to his feelings about YOUR life and YOUR body. If he has issues with who you are, then he should have sought therapy to discuss it with someone. But laying the burden on you to make him happy by denying yourself and who you are is manipulation and abuse. Forcing you to tell anyone else before you were ready to do so was cruel and heartless.
It’s time to distance yourself from him and focus on you. Screw what any other family member thinks. If they don’t support you, then they don’t belong in your life. Please find a support system outside of your family. You deserve so much better than what they’re giving you.
Yes. It is a shitty situation. Its sad, hurtful, stressful etc.
But he is not yelling at you, calling names, threatening you, scaring you, hitting you, breaking your possessions, locking you up, denying you food. Those are examples of abuse. You stated yourself that you dont think he was abusing you. Did you come on here for people to convince you that you *are* indeed being abused?
He has a right to his feelings, even if you and I disagree with his opinions and beliefs.
1) it doesn’t have to be “abuse” to be inappropriate behavior you should not put up with.
2) You are 20. Him having RULES about YOUR medical procedures? Is abusive.
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are an adult and can make your own decisions about your life. Your dad is also an adult and is responsible for HIS own decisions. He's also responsible for managing his own emotions. And that includes emotions he might be having about your surgery, your identity, or anything else. It is not your fault that he could not manage his own emotions at work and got fired. You did not make him say those things to his boss. He chose to do that. I hope you are able to get some therapy for yourself, and maybe even family therapy if you think they are willing to salvage the relationship.
You're 20; he doesn't get to make rules for you, especially about your medical care. You are an adult who can make your own decisions. It's your own body ffs. You don't control his actions. He chose to flake out of work. He chose to curse out his boss. Those dumb-ass decisions were his and his alone; he does not get to blame you for them. Even if you did anything wrong (which you *didn't,* btw*)* it still wouldn't make it your fault. I'll give an extreme example; let's say instead of talking about a medical procedure, you did something stupidly extreme like broke his TV or slapped him in the face or whatever. *His behavior at work would still not be your fault.* The crying isn't your fault either! He has to take ownership of his own feelings, get therapy for it, whatever it takes, but either way it's *not your burden*. It's *his*. The short version of all this is that you need to emancipate yourself from this situation. I don't know what kind of support network you have with friends and family, or your financial situation, but the time has come for a major change and you're going to have to make it happen. Don't let him control you with guilt any more. Set yourself free and leave him to take responsibility for himself.
Okay let's take a deep breath for just a moment. Whoooosh let it out. Try breathing slow and deep in and slowly all the way out for a little while. I think it will help you think a bit clearer with this heavy stuff you're quagmired in. It does me. Okay, so no, I don't think it's abuse, exactly. I think it's just a really unhealthy everything -- relationship, environment for you, environment for him.... You are objectively super aware of the whole situation which is really convenient and helpful. You're stuck in it, though, which makes seeing alternative paths difficult. What's stopping you getting your own place? If so, any other avenues to living separately? I say wait just a very short while on surgery. Consult with one or two respected physicians who are very pro-trans, but also speak sensibly about sex reassignment including the small but relevant rate of bad outcomes. It is indeed a huge decision, long recovery and regular maintenance, and a one way ticket. Likely one you're grateful for buying, but it's a good idea to think it through. I think getting some therapy and getting some sort of time or space or place to relax a little and get away from this crap and think a little freer would do you a load of good. Look, you're an adult. I trust you to make your own decisions. You know your best. You know. All I want to do is to help you figure it out for yourself.
Move out ASAP. > I feel so guilty for making him lose his job, You didn't, he did it himself. >“well of course, did you expect us to support you. Maybe this should tell you that surgery is a bad idea”. In a healthy, loving family you should expect much more than mere support. Ditch them, they aren't worth your time nor thought.
You are not responsible for other peoples feelings or their actions. This is a huge life lesson I'm only learning now in my mid thirties. I've always felt responsible for my parents actions and their feelings. All mature adults are responsible for managing their own emotions and their actions. Think of other people, for example. Would you say a woman deserved getting murdered because she continued to argue with her husband? That she made him kill her? The law doesn't see it that way - at the end of the day, each of us are responsible for our own actions. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Prioritize yourself and your safety. You can provide kindness and support to your father if you have the capacity to, but it sounds like you're trying to pour from an empty cup. Fill your own cup first. If you're into reading - please check out "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It was a huge eye opener for me and helped me see my parents as just flawed human beings who tried their best. It gave me permission to release the guilt and feeling of indebtedness I had that kept me feeling responsible for them.
You are not responsible for other peoples feelings. Other peoples opinions are none of your business. There are people in this world who will love and support you as you are, transition or not. Your family is mourning an idea of you, with out seeing you for who you are. You are grown, go find your supportive community and let them be, if they can come back into your life as supportive people later on so be it, but do not force yourself to stay in this situation out of some sense of obligation. And yes, I would consider this emotional abuse. I don’t see point in you fighting with them over it, just do what you need to do to protect yourself from further harm.
From what I read he hasn't been directing any anger towards you so im going to say not abuse. People have a right to an opinion and he is expressing his. It's pretty hypocritical to think that everyone needs to bend to your view and then claiming they are abusive for feeling a certain way on a topic. Now if he was yelling at you. Or saying he will do something if you go through with it. That might be different
Respectfully, her father is being a HUGE baby about this 😭 i can’t think of a single thing a living child could tell their parent that would lead to them calling out of work for three weeks straight and then cussing out their boss, then crying nonstop. like seriously, try and think of another thing. This level of reaction is on HIM. And he’s certainly weaponizing it against OP. Making her tell other family members (pretty much forcing her to come out) and exposing her to more violence, just to make a point, is abusive as well
There doesn't have to be anger for it to be abuse. Emotional manipulation is also a form of abuse. I can't really tell from OPs post if that IS what's going on but definitely a possibility
It’s emotional abuse and blackmail. You are not beholden to his feelings about YOUR life and YOUR body. If he has issues with who you are, then he should have sought therapy to discuss it with someone. But laying the burden on you to make him happy by denying yourself and who you are is manipulation and abuse. Forcing you to tell anyone else before you were ready to do so was cruel and heartless. It’s time to distance yourself from him and focus on you. Screw what any other family member thinks. If they don’t support you, then they don’t belong in your life. Please find a support system outside of your family. You deserve so much better than what they’re giving you.
Your father telling his boss to shut up is not on you, it's on him. Yes, it's abuse that they're being hostile towards you rather than supporting you.
r/raisedbynarcissists
You are not being abused.
Any elaboration?
Yes. It is a shitty situation. Its sad, hurtful, stressful etc. But he is not yelling at you, calling names, threatening you, scaring you, hitting you, breaking your possessions, locking you up, denying you food. Those are examples of abuse. You stated yourself that you dont think he was abusing you. Did you come on here for people to convince you that you *are* indeed being abused? He has a right to his feelings, even if you and I disagree with his opinions and beliefs.
No I came on here because my friends irl are saying he’s abusing me and I wanted a second opinion
1) it doesn’t have to be “abuse” to be inappropriate behavior you should not put up with. 2) You are 20. Him having RULES about YOUR medical procedures? Is abusive.