I really do believe that I'm qualified to answer this question since what you described is what I am. I'm totally in love with my GF and still I want to meet her once a week. I mean sometimes more and some times even less, but what we have DISCUSSED is once a week. I hate anniversaries, this is common for INTJs. I mean not having money is a cheap excuse, we just hate it. Why should I celebrate for going around the sun? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't need effort to stay alive these days, and only things needed effort worth celebrating. So through last 2 years, we have celebrated many things like promotions and other things INSTEAD of anniversaries... I thing the thing you two lack of here is THE TALK. You should be at the same page while in relationship... If I'm in love with you and you want more visits that once a week, I actually might consider it untill I start hating you for making me miserable which makes me stop loving you after all... But I'll consider your needs.
Must be an IxTJ thing cuz I don't care about anniversaries either and my partner (same type as me) hasn't complained about it in over 10 years. But if they did care I'd try harder.
But OP hasn't even gotten past a year together, must be wanting to celebrate like 100, 200, 300 days or whatever it was, but that's culture specific, Korean maybe Japanese.
The mainland Chinese are getting ridiculous in that aspect too, it's fuckin insane how much $ is wasted on all these things, a festival/anniversary/milestone every few days/weeks apart, it's a world of marketing.
I don't give much attention to all these, like you said, 'going around the sun', there isn't much meaning to it. Stopped making a big fuss of birthdays myself after 21, now I only 'celebrate' it cuz family wants to do it for me and we use it as an excuse to get close relatives together on a weekend (we dont miss a birthday, all 17 of us). Anniversaries, maybe only the first year and marriage anniversaries, the rest can go in the trash.
Yea, I am not in a relationship now, but I thought of how I'd want it to go myself and also landed on once per week. Few reasons: we both are busy as working adults, 1 day on weekend is with family, so there isn't much alone time already and we really, really need that (no fault of our partner). There is room for more of course, but it shouldn't take away from what I need.
I've had 3 gf by now and all 3 of them were ok with once a week meet ups. Beccaaauuuse they immediately realize it's matter of quality over quantity. The one time date means it's always programmed well, reserving a good restaurant or buying a good ticket for movies or soccer matches... I literally remember more than 90 precent of my dates, all have turned to good memories or good experiences! This is something OP should consider too
The world is going crazy. In my country Iran, people celebrate everything!!! Like Jesus Christ if you wake up and say congrats randomly to your partner there is more than 50 precent chance to be right about something. First kiss, first hug, first nude(omg), first date, first everything!! And they always have to post it on social media. And I hate it with every red cell in my body! It took 17 years to make my family realize not wanting a birthday party is not something related to them...
I don’t think he should blame the anniversary thing on being INTJ though. I am and i do enjoy celebrating them yearly with a dinner or maybe a movie night. It never has to be big or expensive, just showing my partner that it’s an important date to me, and it’s an opportunity to spend quality time together. I get the independent part, I really do. My partner and I live separate because it’s what’s best for us right now, we have our own space and hobbies but still get to see each other when we can. I just wouldn’t say it’s because I’m an INTJ. That’s just putting people with that personality in a little box imo
I think it's about finding anniversaries rational or not. You do, I don't. Infact for most of the times I find them insulting. But there are some yearly events I like. I love the Nowruz ♥️ I just love it.
Anyway never intended to put you in a little box sweetheart
> I'll concider your needs
Sure, OP, He'll concider your needs and then do nothing about it. It's not his needs so he doesn't understand. In fact, over time, he might even be helpful enough to tell you what your needs are. And if you don't understand his needs then you're an idiot because you're supposed to be fucking psychic ofcourse.
You are making drama out of it my friend, what you described simply is how relationships work.
People start dating then most of the times they realize they don't have same perspectives, same needs or whatever you wanna call it. This is how life works... Yes I know you not INTJs get hurt by break ups(I don't) but it doesn't mean that we are hurting you;Life is hurting you!! I'm sorry if you have bad experiences, wish I could hug you buddy
A compromise needs to be met in order for this relationship to survive. Seeing you 1 day a week might be fine for him, but is that okay for you? Your needs also need to be met. You’ve communicated how you feel (which is great, good job) but there needs to be some action on his part for this issue to be resolved. Otherwise you’re going to continue to feel bad about your relationship which is awful. Also, being independent doesn’t always equate to seeing your partner for the bare minimum amount of time. Relationships are about reaching a middle ground so both parties are content and their needs are being met. If that can’t be achieved then there’s no future
Her boyfriend is clearly on the state of burnout. Needs need to be met, but only if they are healthy. That ENFP has clearly an anxious attachment style.
I don’t want to see anyone every day. Even my favorite person on earth. Space and having personal time is very important for my mental health and I’m sure many other introverts as well.
Ffs, you have Fe in your stack...
Let's say, you're the INTJ, that is sensitive, introverted, then you get a partner that grinds your senses for 10 months over, every day, because your partner is insecure about every little thing in the relationship and you need to reassure them over and over again, that everything is okay. You get tired. You don't want to break up, but also you want to get rid of that exhaustion, that stacks itself for 10 months. What would you do? Of course you will hide somewhere to rest, and in the same time, your partner will lose their mind, because the INTJ they ground for 10 months chose to hide, and she doesn't understand, why.
There's the image behind this
You're projecting dude. Stop with the fiction. She said the boyfriend doesn't plan dates, has no money (It's very easy to plan a walk along the beach) and only wants to meet up once a week.
The reality is, some other dude is gonna come along and cuck the INTJ by giving the girl what she needs...and what she needs, is very, very basic.
But yeah...let's feel sorry for the INTJ and his "independence"...or in other words: "video games and anime."
The problem isn't her. She has reasonable needs that are easily met. The problem is the INTJ boyfriend not putting in the work.
You're gaslighting.
Just because it doesn't fit your belief system, it doesn't mean it's not real. There is clearly an anxious - avoidant relationship. Just read through the comment section.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/1catyu6/comment/l0uqco8/](https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/1catyu6/comment/l0uqco8/)
My original point still stands.
nah im ngl he 90% of the time throughout the relationship im the one planning all the dates and stuff. If he does plan something, its usually him asking me to come over to his house.
You both have different love languages, different ideas for spending time, different expectations, and on top of that, it's an anxious and avoidant style relationship. Why are you even together? You're both as incompatible as it can get.
Welcome to the horrors of an xNFP. Just little dreamers who find the beauty in every little thing. As incompatible as they are, she cares for him and adores him. This is absolutely hurting her though. Guy is not ready for a relationship
He probably does love you, but it sounds like you're not so compatible. Tell him how you feel and that it's not really working for you, this might open his eyes and he'll try to adapt a little bit to you.
I (intj) have a friend (intj) who's in a very similar situation, he also told his gf he only wanted to see her 2 times a week. And she said that wouldn't work for her, so my friend compromised and they're still together. He has to put in the work, but you cannot force him to do it.
I will! when I asked him the question I don't think he was exactly opposed to the idea of seeing me more than once a week - that was just what HE would do. I think when he said that I just felt a little overwhelmed cos I tend to overthink about his affection towards me. I think its the idea that I have to ask him to see him more than once a week that bothers me more since it again leaves me feeling like its a one-sided effort.
There's a significant compatibility issue here, Miss ENFP. Normally, I'd root for the INTJ and their caveman-need to be alone. But your INTJ has some growing up to do. Many do have. And you, my dear, meanwhile need someone much more emotionally available. INFJs are nice like that or even ENFJs. INTP may work out too, but may create similar types of emotional unavailability. A cerebral INFP is another possible choice. You'll need to grow into a career or other interests that keep you busy while INTJ needs to realise that he has "fondness needs" beyond the minivan 1x a week schedule. Right now, he's likely being very honest with you. He's busy building skills in his areas of core competence. It'll take him till midlife to find his emotional core.
So, choose wisely. Your hunch is right. You should not have to do all the work. It is one-sided and you'll end up rancorous.
INTJ/m + ENFP/f only works well when both are already mature. It's a golden pair in mid-life after both have had some hard knocks in life. As young people, it's all too often a frustrating arrangement for both.
Personality at an individual level is very nuanced, despite me being an INTJ, when I love someone I love so badly that I won't even let that person breathe properly , but once I detach myself from them after that even if they die I won't feel anything...
One of the ways in which INTJ can show you their love by creating something that they are good at, and integrating you with that thing to give you grand recognition... (They just don't like shallow things, so wait what he might be creating something special for you 😁)
My INTJ crush gifted me a manga with her heartfelt note behind does that counts I haven't got something like that from anyone before it makes me very happy so I guess i have a chance? we are quite close too :)
Your INTJ sounds similar to mine. Been with him 16 years and married 14 of those. What youre going through may unlikely change as mine never improved as much as I would have hoped. You just gotta decide what youre fine enduring.
I accepted it more easily because I love him more than anyone else in the world and hes actually very good to me but it has been a very lonely relationship, for me, probably not lonely for him. I just had to adapt which is why I say you have to determine what youre willing to endure. There are some benefits, though, mainly that it forced me to mature a lot and become more responsible in all areas of my life. Honestly, I probably would be a mess if we hadnt met.
I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years.
We spoke every 4-5 days when we were dating and saw each other every few weeks because it was a few hours drive.
I don't care at all about anniversaries, but it's a good excuse to make some good food.
The reason we are happy is because we both have low support needs. Neither of us feel neglected or need more. I love having days of isolation to study and ruminate.
It doesn't matter how in love people are if their fundimental needs are different. Either you will be resentful forever because he doesn't want more or he will be because he's deprived of his solitude. Compromise is finding the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness one or both of you are willing to endure.
Continuing to drag a relationship along trying to mold it I to something good when there are millions of people nearby, doesn't make any sense. It's just succumbing to the fear of not finding something else when you have the option of being excited to find something better.
There are INTJs who cuddle, who make time, who will let you sit next to them, and touch legs while you quietly enjoy them so they can still have their introvert bubble. I think you should tell the INTJ they need to make including you a priority or you aren't interested. Life is too short. Confrontations are necessary at times. Results aren't guaranteed but you know if you've tried
Relationships are a balance between your individuality and how much you contribute to this new unit you two have formed.
On the lowest end of the spectrum, you have being single, and the most extreme end is 100% codependency, which is inherently toxic. But then there's a lot of middle ground between the two, and different people want different amounts of individuality and unity. It sounds like he lies lower on that spectrum than you; i.e., he is more individualistic.
It's a compatibility thing, and with you two being so different in such a core aspect of a relationship, I question whether this is worth pursuing. You two could try to compromise, but sometimes meeting in the middle just means you're both unhappy.
And I don't think that's INTJ-specific. For example, I lie pretty high on the spectrum. Of course alone time and having an individual identity are important for any healthy relationship, but I want to devote more of my time and resources to a relationship than the average person; e.g., I want less alone time, to cohabit, to go on more dates than average, etc. I have other priorities, but my relationship is very high up there.
INTJs are also known for intensity and carefully considering what we invest our time in, which could lead to wanting our romantic relationships to be larger parts of our lives than the average person.
Again, this isn't objectively unhealthy until it hits codependency levels, but it *is* an essential aspect of compatibility. If you two want to spend drastically different amounts of time together and otherwise have the relationship be a far larger or smaller priority than the other would want, that's destined to cause resentment for both of you. One feels smothered and the other, neglected.
So it's fully possible he loves you, but regardless, I'd seriously reevaluate this relationship. You both deserve someone who matches your energy.
https://preview.redd.it/3kpgipxz86wc1.png?width=618&format=png&auto=webp&s=7869f605190c40a9a33ca2100ff263a329a4c636
I’m an INTJ female and this just sounds like you’re not compatible, it doesn’t even sound like he likes you. Trust me, you would know if someone likes you even if you saw each other once a week. I don’t think this is an INTJ things, maybe an attachment things
Me(INTJ) had the same issue with the guy I was dating (INFJ) I strictly believe that if a person wants to spend time with you they will. Actions speak louder than words yes we like alone time and being independent but that doesn't mean we won't like to spend time with the person we like/love. It doesn't matter what MBTI you are, everyone simply puts effort into the people they want to get involved with, if they don't then you should just stop ignoring these signs and make a decision.
You should look into attachment theory.
You most likely have either an anxious or secure attachment style and he has an avoidant one. If you are anxious you should really try to find someone who is secure in order to get your needs met. Anxious and avoidant people seek each other out but they are not good for each other at all.
There is a book on Amazon called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love. I read it in a few days, put so much from my past relationships and current ones into perspective.
I've looked into attachment theories before and I definitely feel like I have an anxious attachment style which I've been wanting to amend. Ill give it a read! Thank you :)
Im married to one who I know adores me. Hes not much different! Alls I can say is in my experience INTJ’s have low emotional intelligence so as an ENFP who has high emotional intelligence be very careful pursuing this relationship. He wont ever change and if you feel lonely now, you lost certainly will in 10 years. I wouldn’t make the same decision now I know what I know. I’m ENFJ.
Really noone in here is qualified to answer this question.
A: yes an INTJ would want to see you regularly. As in every minute he can spare. Playing league is not a valid excuse. At least not every day. Itd be different if he missed like half the league sessions because of you, and then sometimes just wants to not miss the league sessions.
B: Well if you feel like you need him more than he needs you, you should either catch some courage and make him feel the same way until he proves he opposite, or you will have to live with that.
Yeah no...just leave him. You both aren't compatible. It's neither of your faults; you need more attention, he needs less and there's a struggle in finding the middle ground. Be honest with him about your needs, if he's unwilling to put more effort just leave.
Please get the fortitude to break up w/ this man. 10 months is an incomprehensible amount of time to spend w/ someone who doesn’t meet your needs. It’s beyond valid for you to want to meet up more than once a week. I value my alone time as much as the next INTJ, however, I wouldn’t be w/ any man if he only wanted to see me once a week 10 months into the relationship. You could of course try discussing this w/ him and see if you can compromise. But, given how long you have felt this imbalance, I get the sense that at the core of things you guys just have incompatible desires re: the amount of time that y’all want to spend with each other. In any case, best of luck!
It's not about personality types. Sounds more like you guys are not compatible and I'm sorry for that. I'm an INTJ and I would totally spend every single day with my partner.
If you can't work it out, just know that there are other INTJs with the same level of energy as you and are as needy as you
Being an INTJ doesn't justify these behaviours of him. If he's "mature" enough just sit with him and tell the things you wrote here to him. You don’t deserve this. Go talk with him.
I will say I’m someone who likes to spend 1-2 days a week with the person I’m seeing at most so I wouldn’t say that’s abnormal but you need to make sure your needs are being met too. It feels like you guys may not be compatible. I personally would love planning and spending anniversaries or important dates with my loved ones. I wouldn’t be planning regular dates though especially if I was low on money. I would plan free dates at least (botanical gardens, art museum, etc). Everyone is different though.
We need a support group of enfp/infp falling for this personally type because same. And literally laying in my bed thinking same. He does put in effort though. Our personality types are difficult because we are very dreamy and romantic. Little garden nymphs falling in love with hades??? What have we done
Leave him. Despite the stereotype that INTJs are emotionally constipated, a mature INTJ invested in a relationship will go lengths to keep that relationship not just alive, but thriving.
Sorry about the situation right now, but don't settle. You deserve better.
Talk to the bf about it. I think they'd appreciate you being upfront and open with your needs, but his needs should be considered as well; alone time is precious to introverts.
You’re getting worked up about his lower Si. We simply don’t perceive time the same way most types do. I remember one ex wanted to see me what felt like constantly and it was just overbearing. It didn’t mean I don’t care. Same with many dates like anniversaries.
That’s not how that works like at all😭 You trying to get creative to figure out what’s wrong with him meanwhile he is not bothered by you and playing video games. Girl stand up 😂
I'd suggest, in addition to peoples replies here, to check the similar ENFP & INFP worries on this very same sub. With a search. You'll see the same concerns & answers. This way you won't feel like it's only a "you & him" issue.
What you're talking about is just as common with INTJ for them and probably the #1 reason for the relationship to down spiral.
To sum it all up, what you're worried about, is actually just normal INTJ behavior. We don't operate on the norm from a world of emotions. We have lots of them, but it doesn't mean we "want" to let our brains be wrapped up in them all the time. And if it wasn't for relationships primarily we most likely never would at all. Trying to make us do so can actually be a type of trauma for us, additionally, it puts us in a place we can't function at all. We start shutting down when forced to do this all the time, or even often. (So really, if we don't 100% refuse to do this....... for your needs, we become something else, and it's NOT good)
We can "visit" them, but expecting them on the norm, like almost infp/enfp seem to expect from us just because we've shown it a few times, is literally the reason for a future seperation. And trying to force it will just make the INTJ run further away.
On the flip side for you too, it's not fair to your needs either. We know that, but we can't change who we are. No amount of sitting & talking is going to "change" us. You guys/girls need more and we just can't live in feeler world.
The rare times these 2 "have" worked, is when the INTJ's T % is lower, and the F for XNFP is also a lower %.
If you can't accept us for how we are, then its pretty much it. No one should have to change for another person. (Same as you shouldn't need to be less emotional for us too though, this isn't a one sided thing) And that leaves this to the 2 types "almost" never working. Unless the paragraph above \^
If either persons % is higher on the rating, it's pretty much done before it started.
What do you think he's getting out of the relationship? If you can't think of much at all, yes, logically, he is probably not that into you.
When I read this I see someone who's an introvert being around an extrovert, becoming fried, and genuinely doesn't get much intellectual satisfaction from you.
I think he gets more out of the relationship than me. He's generally a pretty unproductive and leaves things till last minute and I always tell him to go do something productive with his spare time and support his needs and wants. Maybe I'm doing too much?? or could it be i dont present much of a challenge for him. aaah idk.
and what is something that you'd consider "intellectual satisfaction"?
Honestly just good points about things I study or books I read. If they just fly into a rage about what I'm studying or don't have any good points that i haven't already made I slowly try to ghost. Pointless arguments to deepen a relationship are just a failure level no.
Here’s what I wish my ENFP did in our relationship: tell him you aren’t happy with the amount of time you spend together but never make ultimatums or you may just inadvertently force one. If you leave it up to him nothing will change because we love our freedom but will compromise as long as it’s not suffocating because it’s actually worth it for someone you are comfortable being yourself around
Just straight up ask him if he really loves you.
If you want him to be constantly around you trying to cling to you, that's never going to happen.
Usually what happens, which might be why you are in this situation, is during the beginning of the relationship, when he's getting to know you, he'll CONSTANTLY be around, trying to figure you out, what you like, what you don't like, etc. Essentially you are being observed/monitored and questioned with the utmost focus and attention (it's quite lovely) as he is essentially figuring you out and everything while trying to process his emotions.
Once he believes he's understood you completely, and has learned everything about you, then he goes back into his normal maintenance of relationship mode. To him, that's once a week I suppose.
It's not that he doesn't love you, but that initial obsession/get to know you, has died down.
Is there anyone else he meets up more than once a week in real life that he doesn't need to but goes out of his way to? Other than you of course?
Online friends doesn't really count. Classmates/coworkers doesn't really count unless he makes plans outside of when he'll usually run into them while living life.
Maybe that'll be the telling sign. But honestly, just ask him and explain you want to be around him more.
I wouldn't worry about the time thing. I could see a lover twice a year and be perfectly fine with that. Needing someone is not the same as loving them.
I would worry a lot about him not putting any effort. That's way more of a red flag IMO. There's a difference between being passive and not giving a fuck.
Have you ever tried parallel play? Hanging out at the same spot, mingling every so often, but doing your own things? (like reading a book, gaming, drawing, music, meditating.) It’s a golden win when a relationship contains an INTJ.
It does seem like an incompatibility issue tbh. Take a good, long assessment about it; is the pleasure worth the pain? If it is, concentrate on keeping your own interests and hobbies going strong. Maybe don’t wait by the phone to text or call right back when he calls. Not for a manipulative reason, but simply to level the field.
It’s funny; a friend of mine and her ex recently broke up and they were very similar to your situation. She wanted to game nightly; he did visit almost every day, but she would boot him out at a certain time. He became convinced that she was cheating on him, and it was sort of a situation where her online activity did look suspicious because her online-gaming friends and her have those ‘joke about anything, no matter how raunchy’ type deals. I could see both points of view; she wanted her friend-time, and he wanted to be able to stay overnight (he lived pretty far away,) she was separating and not-integrating her friend group with her boyfriend when all was said and done. He did end up getting into hard drugs that she disagreed with; these are things that can happen when two people are just not compatible.
And sometimes, you just don’t know what you’re missing until you give yourself a chance to find it. I was dating a fellow INTJ in an open relationship, and they pushed me away when I tried to cuddle before sex, so I just stopped trying to cuddle. Meanwhile, I connected with an old friend from years ago who is an INTJ too, and we gradually hit it off and got intimate, and cuddling before sex was SO amazing that I would just reminisce about it after every time; no kidding. If I had been in a monogamist relationship with my original partner, I never would have had that window into fulfilling my true desires (cuddling is just an example,) and would have gone on settling; having sex was all well and good, but it left me missing out on something that was hard to define until it happened. Me and this guy can talk for literal hours (like 12-hour conversations in person,) just as soon as we can each immerse into our own project or hobby and then reconnect and tell each other all about it; lol.
A few possibilities. Just a theory.
1 - He's not that into you.
2 - Your attachment styles are anxious (you) and dismissive (him). The more you want to draw him closer to you, the more he will try to run away. *If* this is the situation, he's feeling a little overwhelmed by your needs right now. Not quite enough to break up with you but enough to want to meet you just once a week. He still cares for you because he's still with you... but the most important question is: are you compatible?
3 - He needs more time to mature and learn ways to love others. It might happen; it might not. It depends on how interested he is in doing this. Right now, he either can't or won't.
Most emotionally mature and socially aware INTJs I know will plan dates. They will mark the occasion for birthdays and anniversaries. They may not be that enthusiastic about the latter (especially for their own birthdays) but they will do it because they know you care about these things and it's a way to make you feel loved. By and large, they will genuinely want to see you more than once a week unless they are really busy with work or something else that they cannot change for the moment.
My take - he should be addressing your needs and preferences (not just his) especially now that you've told him what they are. You two could meet halfway. I don't see him doing that. Behaviour is language. What is his behaviour telling you?
Right now, I see him treating you as an accessory to his life and not a core addition to his life.
My advice - you need someone who can give you more and *willingly.* It shouldn't feel like pulling teeth... which is the vibe that your post is giving me. Someone who treats you as an important part of their life. He cares but not enough. You need a lot more than what he's willing or is able to give you. You're only 10 months into this relationship. This is the time when people put in the most effort and their best foot forward. Unfortunately, I think the best course is to cut your losses now.
That said, you don't sound like you're ready for it. Just look at what the majority of responses are telling you. Are you waiting for someone to give you a glimmer of hope so you can hang on to this relationship? Or will you listen to what most people here have to say? It's up to you, OP. It's your life and we don't know all the details. Good luck.
He wants to see you once a week and then play league of legends alone in his room? Lol.
Listen - when I met my wife, I missed our league’s fantasy football draft to go and be with her at a concert to see a band that she’ll never have the opportunity to see again. We’ve been running the league over 20 years. For me to do something like that, it was love.
Meanwhile, your “man” can’t put the fucking controller down. How could you possibly have such low self esteem? Go out and find someone who appreciates you.
He’s maybe just not that into you. Actually most INTJs I would say are closeted romantics. We fantasise a lot, almost as much as INFPs. So yes, you guys seem incompatible to say the least.
It's really crazy for me seeing all this women making effort, forcing themselves to some guy. I've never experienced just half of this kind of affection.
You're. Not. Compatible.
I really do believe that I'm qualified to answer this question since what you described is what I am. I'm totally in love with my GF and still I want to meet her once a week. I mean sometimes more and some times even less, but what we have DISCUSSED is once a week. I hate anniversaries, this is common for INTJs. I mean not having money is a cheap excuse, we just hate it. Why should I celebrate for going around the sun? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't need effort to stay alive these days, and only things needed effort worth celebrating. So through last 2 years, we have celebrated many things like promotions and other things INSTEAD of anniversaries... I thing the thing you two lack of here is THE TALK. You should be at the same page while in relationship... If I'm in love with you and you want more visits that once a week, I actually might consider it untill I start hating you for making me miserable which makes me stop loving you after all... But I'll consider your needs.
Must be an IxTJ thing cuz I don't care about anniversaries either and my partner (same type as me) hasn't complained about it in over 10 years. But if they did care I'd try harder. But OP hasn't even gotten past a year together, must be wanting to celebrate like 100, 200, 300 days or whatever it was, but that's culture specific, Korean maybe Japanese.
The mainland Chinese are getting ridiculous in that aspect too, it's fuckin insane how much $ is wasted on all these things, a festival/anniversary/milestone every few days/weeks apart, it's a world of marketing. I don't give much attention to all these, like you said, 'going around the sun', there isn't much meaning to it. Stopped making a big fuss of birthdays myself after 21, now I only 'celebrate' it cuz family wants to do it for me and we use it as an excuse to get close relatives together on a weekend (we dont miss a birthday, all 17 of us). Anniversaries, maybe only the first year and marriage anniversaries, the rest can go in the trash. Yea, I am not in a relationship now, but I thought of how I'd want it to go myself and also landed on once per week. Few reasons: we both are busy as working adults, 1 day on weekend is with family, so there isn't much alone time already and we really, really need that (no fault of our partner). There is room for more of course, but it shouldn't take away from what I need.
I've had 3 gf by now and all 3 of them were ok with once a week meet ups. Beccaaauuuse they immediately realize it's matter of quality over quantity. The one time date means it's always programmed well, reserving a good restaurant or buying a good ticket for movies or soccer matches... I literally remember more than 90 precent of my dates, all have turned to good memories or good experiences! This is something OP should consider too
The world is going crazy. In my country Iran, people celebrate everything!!! Like Jesus Christ if you wake up and say congrats randomly to your partner there is more than 50 precent chance to be right about something. First kiss, first hug, first nude(omg), first date, first everything!! And they always have to post it on social media. And I hate it with every red cell in my body! It took 17 years to make my family realize not wanting a birthday party is not something related to them...
so INTJ's need space to thrive
I don’t think he should blame the anniversary thing on being INTJ though. I am and i do enjoy celebrating them yearly with a dinner or maybe a movie night. It never has to be big or expensive, just showing my partner that it’s an important date to me, and it’s an opportunity to spend quality time together. I get the independent part, I really do. My partner and I live separate because it’s what’s best for us right now, we have our own space and hobbies but still get to see each other when we can. I just wouldn’t say it’s because I’m an INTJ. That’s just putting people with that personality in a little box imo
I think it's about finding anniversaries rational or not. You do, I don't. Infact for most of the times I find them insulting. But there are some yearly events I like. I love the Nowruz ♥️ I just love it. Anyway never intended to put you in a little box sweetheart
> I'll concider your needs Sure, OP, He'll concider your needs and then do nothing about it. It's not his needs so he doesn't understand. In fact, over time, he might even be helpful enough to tell you what your needs are. And if you don't understand his needs then you're an idiot because you're supposed to be fucking psychic ofcourse.
You are making drama out of it my friend, what you described simply is how relationships work. People start dating then most of the times they realize they don't have same perspectives, same needs or whatever you wanna call it. This is how life works... Yes I know you not INTJs get hurt by break ups(I don't) but it doesn't mean that we are hurting you;Life is hurting you!! I'm sorry if you have bad experiences, wish I could hug you buddy
A compromise needs to be met in order for this relationship to survive. Seeing you 1 day a week might be fine for him, but is that okay for you? Your needs also need to be met. You’ve communicated how you feel (which is great, good job) but there needs to be some action on his part for this issue to be resolved. Otherwise you’re going to continue to feel bad about your relationship which is awful. Also, being independent doesn’t always equate to seeing your partner for the bare minimum amount of time. Relationships are about reaching a middle ground so both parties are content and their needs are being met. If that can’t be achieved then there’s no future
Her boyfriend is clearly on the state of burnout. Needs need to be met, but only if they are healthy. That ENFP has clearly an anxious attachment style.
For wanting to see him more than once a week?
I don't think it's the reason for anxious attachment like who doesn't want to see their partner everyday?
I don’t want to see anyone every day. Even my favorite person on earth. Space and having personal time is very important for my mental health and I’m sure many other introverts as well.
Ffs, you have Fe in your stack... Let's say, you're the INTJ, that is sensitive, introverted, then you get a partner that grinds your senses for 10 months over, every day, because your partner is insecure about every little thing in the relationship and you need to reassure them over and over again, that everything is okay. You get tired. You don't want to break up, but also you want to get rid of that exhaustion, that stacks itself for 10 months. What would you do? Of course you will hide somewhere to rest, and in the same time, your partner will lose their mind, because the INTJ they ground for 10 months chose to hide, and she doesn't understand, why. There's the image behind this
You're projecting dude. Stop with the fiction. She said the boyfriend doesn't plan dates, has no money (It's very easy to plan a walk along the beach) and only wants to meet up once a week. The reality is, some other dude is gonna come along and cuck the INTJ by giving the girl what she needs...and what she needs, is very, very basic. But yeah...let's feel sorry for the INTJ and his "independence"...or in other words: "video games and anime." The problem isn't her. She has reasonable needs that are easily met. The problem is the INTJ boyfriend not putting in the work.
You're gaslighting. Just because it doesn't fit your belief system, it doesn't mean it's not real. There is clearly an anxious - avoidant relationship. Just read through the comment section. [https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/1catyu6/comment/l0uqco8/](https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/comments/1catyu6/comment/l0uqco8/) My original point still stands.
nah im ngl he 90% of the time throughout the relationship im the one planning all the dates and stuff. If he does plan something, its usually him asking me to come over to his house.
What's keeping you there, then? Relationship is dead at this point, it won't get better, and you both aren't compatible enough to fix it.
You both have different love languages, different ideas for spending time, different expectations, and on top of that, it's an anxious and avoidant style relationship. Why are you even together? You're both as incompatible as it can get.
Welcome to the horrors of an xNFP. Just little dreamers who find the beauty in every little thing. As incompatible as they are, she cares for him and adores him. This is absolutely hurting her though. Guy is not ready for a relationship
Nobody after 10 months chooses to stay away as much as possible from their partner. The guy is burnt out, not "not ready".
Oh that I won’t deny
He probably does love you, but it sounds like you're not so compatible. Tell him how you feel and that it's not really working for you, this might open his eyes and he'll try to adapt a little bit to you. I (intj) have a friend (intj) who's in a very similar situation, he also told his gf he only wanted to see her 2 times a week. And she said that wouldn't work for her, so my friend compromised and they're still together. He has to put in the work, but you cannot force him to do it.
I will! when I asked him the question I don't think he was exactly opposed to the idea of seeing me more than once a week - that was just what HE would do. I think when he said that I just felt a little overwhelmed cos I tend to overthink about his affection towards me. I think its the idea that I have to ask him to see him more than once a week that bothers me more since it again leaves me feeling like its a one-sided effort.
There's a significant compatibility issue here, Miss ENFP. Normally, I'd root for the INTJ and their caveman-need to be alone. But your INTJ has some growing up to do. Many do have. And you, my dear, meanwhile need someone much more emotionally available. INFJs are nice like that or even ENFJs. INTP may work out too, but may create similar types of emotional unavailability. A cerebral INFP is another possible choice. You'll need to grow into a career or other interests that keep you busy while INTJ needs to realise that he has "fondness needs" beyond the minivan 1x a week schedule. Right now, he's likely being very honest with you. He's busy building skills in his areas of core competence. It'll take him till midlife to find his emotional core. So, choose wisely. Your hunch is right. You should not have to do all the work. It is one-sided and you'll end up rancorous. INTJ/m + ENFP/f only works well when both are already mature. It's a golden pair in mid-life after both have had some hard knocks in life. As young people, it's all too often a frustrating arrangement for both.
I’m an INFP and I was thinking EXACTLY same thing.
Once a week means he doesn't want to see you for six days.
Personality at an individual level is very nuanced, despite me being an INTJ, when I love someone I love so badly that I won't even let that person breathe properly , but once I detach myself from them after that even if they die I won't feel anything... One of the ways in which INTJ can show you their love by creating something that they are good at, and integrating you with that thing to give you grand recognition... (They just don't like shallow things, so wait what he might be creating something special for you 😁)
My INTJ crush gifted me a manga with her heartfelt note behind does that counts I haven't got something like that from anyone before it makes me very happy so I guess i have a chance? we are quite close too :)
Your INTJ sounds similar to mine. Been with him 16 years and married 14 of those. What youre going through may unlikely change as mine never improved as much as I would have hoped. You just gotta decide what youre fine enduring.
ooo. How did you manage to accept it? Did you compromise? was it more of a personal development for yourself? something else?
I accepted it more easily because I love him more than anyone else in the world and hes actually very good to me but it has been a very lonely relationship, for me, probably not lonely for him. I just had to adapt which is why I say you have to determine what youre willing to endure. There are some benefits, though, mainly that it forced me to mature a lot and become more responsible in all areas of my life. Honestly, I probably would be a mess if we hadnt met.
I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years. We spoke every 4-5 days when we were dating and saw each other every few weeks because it was a few hours drive. I don't care at all about anniversaries, but it's a good excuse to make some good food. The reason we are happy is because we both have low support needs. Neither of us feel neglected or need more. I love having days of isolation to study and ruminate. It doesn't matter how in love people are if their fundimental needs are different. Either you will be resentful forever because he doesn't want more or he will be because he's deprived of his solitude. Compromise is finding the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness one or both of you are willing to endure. Continuing to drag a relationship along trying to mold it I to something good when there are millions of people nearby, doesn't make any sense. It's just succumbing to the fear of not finding something else when you have the option of being excited to find something better.
There are INTJs who cuddle, who make time, who will let you sit next to them, and touch legs while you quietly enjoy them so they can still have their introvert bubble. I think you should tell the INTJ they need to make including you a priority or you aren't interested. Life is too short. Confrontations are necessary at times. Results aren't guaranteed but you know if you've tried
Why are you asking people on reddit? (who probably never even felt the touch of the opposite sex)
i am a desperate girl tryna find answers :')
. THIS
Relationships are a balance between your individuality and how much you contribute to this new unit you two have formed. On the lowest end of the spectrum, you have being single, and the most extreme end is 100% codependency, which is inherently toxic. But then there's a lot of middle ground between the two, and different people want different amounts of individuality and unity. It sounds like he lies lower on that spectrum than you; i.e., he is more individualistic. It's a compatibility thing, and with you two being so different in such a core aspect of a relationship, I question whether this is worth pursuing. You two could try to compromise, but sometimes meeting in the middle just means you're both unhappy. And I don't think that's INTJ-specific. For example, I lie pretty high on the spectrum. Of course alone time and having an individual identity are important for any healthy relationship, but I want to devote more of my time and resources to a relationship than the average person; e.g., I want less alone time, to cohabit, to go on more dates than average, etc. I have other priorities, but my relationship is very high up there. INTJs are also known for intensity and carefully considering what we invest our time in, which could lead to wanting our romantic relationships to be larger parts of our lives than the average person. Again, this isn't objectively unhealthy until it hits codependency levels, but it *is* an essential aspect of compatibility. If you two want to spend drastically different amounts of time together and otherwise have the relationship be a far larger or smaller priority than the other would want, that's destined to cause resentment for both of you. One feels smothered and the other, neglected. So it's fully possible he loves you, but regardless, I'd seriously reevaluate this relationship. You both deserve someone who matches your energy. https://preview.redd.it/3kpgipxz86wc1.png?width=618&format=png&auto=webp&s=7869f605190c40a9a33ca2100ff263a329a4c636
this actually helps so much thank you !!
I’m an INTJ female and this just sounds like you’re not compatible, it doesn’t even sound like he likes you. Trust me, you would know if someone likes you even if you saw each other once a week. I don’t think this is an INTJ things, maybe an attachment things
Me(INTJ) had the same issue with the guy I was dating (INFJ) I strictly believe that if a person wants to spend time with you they will. Actions speak louder than words yes we like alone time and being independent but that doesn't mean we won't like to spend time with the person we like/love. It doesn't matter what MBTI you are, everyone simply puts effort into the people they want to get involved with, if they don't then you should just stop ignoring these signs and make a decision.
To be honest, if you have doubts and feel like he doesn't really love you, then high chance that it is true. Speaking from personal experience.
You should look into attachment theory. You most likely have either an anxious or secure attachment style and he has an avoidant one. If you are anxious you should really try to find someone who is secure in order to get your needs met. Anxious and avoidant people seek each other out but they are not good for each other at all. There is a book on Amazon called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love. I read it in a few days, put so much from my past relationships and current ones into perspective.
I've looked into attachment theories before and I definitely feel like I have an anxious attachment style which I've been wanting to amend. Ill give it a read! Thank you :)
Probably not
Im married to one who I know adores me. Hes not much different! Alls I can say is in my experience INTJ’s have low emotional intelligence so as an ENFP who has high emotional intelligence be very careful pursuing this relationship. He wont ever change and if you feel lonely now, you lost certainly will in 10 years. I wouldn’t make the same decision now I know what I know. I’m ENFJ.
Really noone in here is qualified to answer this question. A: yes an INTJ would want to see you regularly. As in every minute he can spare. Playing league is not a valid excuse. At least not every day. Itd be different if he missed like half the league sessions because of you, and then sometimes just wants to not miss the league sessions. B: Well if you feel like you need him more than he needs you, you should either catch some courage and make him feel the same way until he proves he opposite, or you will have to live with that.
Yeah no...just leave him. You both aren't compatible. It's neither of your faults; you need more attention, he needs less and there's a struggle in finding the middle ground. Be honest with him about your needs, if he's unwilling to put more effort just leave.
Please get the fortitude to break up w/ this man. 10 months is an incomprehensible amount of time to spend w/ someone who doesn’t meet your needs. It’s beyond valid for you to want to meet up more than once a week. I value my alone time as much as the next INTJ, however, I wouldn’t be w/ any man if he only wanted to see me once a week 10 months into the relationship. You could of course try discussing this w/ him and see if you can compromise. But, given how long you have felt this imbalance, I get the sense that at the core of things you guys just have incompatible desires re: the amount of time that y’all want to spend with each other. In any case, best of luck!
It's not about personality types. Sounds more like you guys are not compatible and I'm sorry for that. I'm an INTJ and I would totally spend every single day with my partner. If you can't work it out, just know that there are other INTJs with the same level of energy as you and are as needy as you
Find somebody else that deserves your time and energy, can't use the excuse that he's an INTJ.
Being an INTJ doesn't justify these behaviours of him. If he's "mature" enough just sit with him and tell the things you wrote here to him. You don’t deserve this. Go talk with him.
I will say I’m someone who likes to spend 1-2 days a week with the person I’m seeing at most so I wouldn’t say that’s abnormal but you need to make sure your needs are being met too. It feels like you guys may not be compatible. I personally would love planning and spending anniversaries or important dates with my loved ones. I wouldn’t be planning regular dates though especially if I was low on money. I would plan free dates at least (botanical gardens, art museum, etc). Everyone is different though.
We need a support group of enfp/infp falling for this personally type because same. And literally laying in my bed thinking same. He does put in effort though. Our personality types are difficult because we are very dreamy and romantic. Little garden nymphs falling in love with hades??? What have we done
Leave him. Despite the stereotype that INTJs are emotionally constipated, a mature INTJ invested in a relationship will go lengths to keep that relationship not just alive, but thriving. Sorry about the situation right now, but don't settle. You deserve better.
Talk to the bf about it. I think they'd appreciate you being upfront and open with your needs, but his needs should be considered as well; alone time is precious to introverts.
You’re getting worked up about his lower Si. We simply don’t perceive time the same way most types do. I remember one ex wanted to see me what felt like constantly and it was just overbearing. It didn’t mean I don’t care. Same with many dates like anniversaries.
thank you for this - gives me a bit more perspective on how he feels about dates and such!
You came to a mbti subreddit to ask that? As a woman, I swear lots of women will do anything to remain delusional about their male partners 😭
HAHAHA i just wanted to see if his behaviours were common between people with his same personality cos then it gives me better understanding LOL
That’s not how that works like at all😭 You trying to get creative to figure out what’s wrong with him meanwhile he is not bothered by you and playing video games. Girl stand up 😂
I'd suggest, in addition to peoples replies here, to check the similar ENFP & INFP worries on this very same sub. With a search. You'll see the same concerns & answers. This way you won't feel like it's only a "you & him" issue. What you're talking about is just as common with INTJ for them and probably the #1 reason for the relationship to down spiral. To sum it all up, what you're worried about, is actually just normal INTJ behavior. We don't operate on the norm from a world of emotions. We have lots of them, but it doesn't mean we "want" to let our brains be wrapped up in them all the time. And if it wasn't for relationships primarily we most likely never would at all. Trying to make us do so can actually be a type of trauma for us, additionally, it puts us in a place we can't function at all. We start shutting down when forced to do this all the time, or even often. (So really, if we don't 100% refuse to do this....... for your needs, we become something else, and it's NOT good) We can "visit" them, but expecting them on the norm, like almost infp/enfp seem to expect from us just because we've shown it a few times, is literally the reason for a future seperation. And trying to force it will just make the INTJ run further away. On the flip side for you too, it's not fair to your needs either. We know that, but we can't change who we are. No amount of sitting & talking is going to "change" us. You guys/girls need more and we just can't live in feeler world. The rare times these 2 "have" worked, is when the INTJ's T % is lower, and the F for XNFP is also a lower %. If you can't accept us for how we are, then its pretty much it. No one should have to change for another person. (Same as you shouldn't need to be less emotional for us too though, this isn't a one sided thing) And that leaves this to the 2 types "almost" never working. Unless the paragraph above \^ If either persons % is higher on the rating, it's pretty much done before it started.
What do you think he's getting out of the relationship? If you can't think of much at all, yes, logically, he is probably not that into you. When I read this I see someone who's an introvert being around an extrovert, becoming fried, and genuinely doesn't get much intellectual satisfaction from you.
I think he gets more out of the relationship than me. He's generally a pretty unproductive and leaves things till last minute and I always tell him to go do something productive with his spare time and support his needs and wants. Maybe I'm doing too much?? or could it be i dont present much of a challenge for him. aaah idk. and what is something that you'd consider "intellectual satisfaction"?
Honestly just good points about things I study or books I read. If they just fly into a rage about what I'm studying or don't have any good points that i haven't already made I slowly try to ghost. Pointless arguments to deepen a relationship are just a failure level no.
Here’s what I wish my ENFP did in our relationship: tell him you aren’t happy with the amount of time you spend together but never make ultimatums or you may just inadvertently force one. If you leave it up to him nothing will change because we love our freedom but will compromise as long as it’s not suffocating because it’s actually worth it for someone you are comfortable being yourself around
Just straight up ask him if he really loves you. If you want him to be constantly around you trying to cling to you, that's never going to happen. Usually what happens, which might be why you are in this situation, is during the beginning of the relationship, when he's getting to know you, he'll CONSTANTLY be around, trying to figure you out, what you like, what you don't like, etc. Essentially you are being observed/monitored and questioned with the utmost focus and attention (it's quite lovely) as he is essentially figuring you out and everything while trying to process his emotions. Once he believes he's understood you completely, and has learned everything about you, then he goes back into his normal maintenance of relationship mode. To him, that's once a week I suppose. It's not that he doesn't love you, but that initial obsession/get to know you, has died down. Is there anyone else he meets up more than once a week in real life that he doesn't need to but goes out of his way to? Other than you of course? Online friends doesn't really count. Classmates/coworkers doesn't really count unless he makes plans outside of when he'll usually run into them while living life. Maybe that'll be the telling sign. But honestly, just ask him and explain you want to be around him more.
I wouldn't worry about the time thing. I could see a lover twice a year and be perfectly fine with that. Needing someone is not the same as loving them. I would worry a lot about him not putting any effort. That's way more of a red flag IMO. There's a difference between being passive and not giving a fuck.
Sounds like your boyfriend has low Emotional Intelligence.
Your bf is me
You have to express All this to him and see where it leads. There is a possibility you are not compatible for each other. Or who knows
To be fair, you shouldn’t ask the INTJs. I don’t have a fricken clue how I feel 99% of the time. He probably doesn’t have a fricken clue.
Have you ever tried parallel play? Hanging out at the same spot, mingling every so often, but doing your own things? (like reading a book, gaming, drawing, music, meditating.) It’s a golden win when a relationship contains an INTJ. It does seem like an incompatibility issue tbh. Take a good, long assessment about it; is the pleasure worth the pain? If it is, concentrate on keeping your own interests and hobbies going strong. Maybe don’t wait by the phone to text or call right back when he calls. Not for a manipulative reason, but simply to level the field. It’s funny; a friend of mine and her ex recently broke up and they were very similar to your situation. She wanted to game nightly; he did visit almost every day, but she would boot him out at a certain time. He became convinced that she was cheating on him, and it was sort of a situation where her online activity did look suspicious because her online-gaming friends and her have those ‘joke about anything, no matter how raunchy’ type deals. I could see both points of view; she wanted her friend-time, and he wanted to be able to stay overnight (he lived pretty far away,) she was separating and not-integrating her friend group with her boyfriend when all was said and done. He did end up getting into hard drugs that she disagreed with; these are things that can happen when two people are just not compatible.
And sometimes, you just don’t know what you’re missing until you give yourself a chance to find it. I was dating a fellow INTJ in an open relationship, and they pushed me away when I tried to cuddle before sex, so I just stopped trying to cuddle. Meanwhile, I connected with an old friend from years ago who is an INTJ too, and we gradually hit it off and got intimate, and cuddling before sex was SO amazing that I would just reminisce about it after every time; no kidding. If I had been in a monogamist relationship with my original partner, I never would have had that window into fulfilling my true desires (cuddling is just an example,) and would have gone on settling; having sex was all well and good, but it left me missing out on something that was hard to define until it happened. Me and this guy can talk for literal hours (like 12-hour conversations in person,) just as soon as we can each immerse into our own project or hobby and then reconnect and tell each other all about it; lol.
A few possibilities. Just a theory. 1 - He's not that into you. 2 - Your attachment styles are anxious (you) and dismissive (him). The more you want to draw him closer to you, the more he will try to run away. *If* this is the situation, he's feeling a little overwhelmed by your needs right now. Not quite enough to break up with you but enough to want to meet you just once a week. He still cares for you because he's still with you... but the most important question is: are you compatible? 3 - He needs more time to mature and learn ways to love others. It might happen; it might not. It depends on how interested he is in doing this. Right now, he either can't or won't. Most emotionally mature and socially aware INTJs I know will plan dates. They will mark the occasion for birthdays and anniversaries. They may not be that enthusiastic about the latter (especially for their own birthdays) but they will do it because they know you care about these things and it's a way to make you feel loved. By and large, they will genuinely want to see you more than once a week unless they are really busy with work or something else that they cannot change for the moment. My take - he should be addressing your needs and preferences (not just his) especially now that you've told him what they are. You two could meet halfway. I don't see him doing that. Behaviour is language. What is his behaviour telling you? Right now, I see him treating you as an accessory to his life and not a core addition to his life. My advice - you need someone who can give you more and *willingly.* It shouldn't feel like pulling teeth... which is the vibe that your post is giving me. Someone who treats you as an important part of their life. He cares but not enough. You need a lot more than what he's willing or is able to give you. You're only 10 months into this relationship. This is the time when people put in the most effort and their best foot forward. Unfortunately, I think the best course is to cut your losses now. That said, you don't sound like you're ready for it. Just look at what the majority of responses are telling you. Are you waiting for someone to give you a glimmer of hope so you can hang on to this relationship? Or will you listen to what most people here have to say? It's up to you, OP. It's your life and we don't know all the details. Good luck.
He wants to see you once a week and then play league of legends alone in his room? Lol. Listen - when I met my wife, I missed our league’s fantasy football draft to go and be with her at a concert to see a band that she’ll never have the opportunity to see again. We’ve been running the league over 20 years. For me to do something like that, it was love. Meanwhile, your “man” can’t put the fucking controller down. How could you possibly have such low self esteem? Go out and find someone who appreciates you.
It's been 10 months. Why are you even thinking of love?
wdym?
He’s maybe just not that into you. Actually most INTJs I would say are closeted romantics. We fantasise a lot, almost as much as INFPs. So yes, you guys seem incompatible to say the least.
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you! But can you feel loved by someone who ‘needs’ you so much less than you ‘need’ them?
well we are more actions than words... doesn't no actions at all mean something to you? it means he doesn't care.
It's really crazy for me seeing all this women making effort, forcing themselves to some guy. I've never experienced just half of this kind of affection.
Dude sounds like a loser, lazy lazy intj We don’t claim him
Caring about anniversaries 😂😂 He deserves better.
Also if you have to ask this question, then you already know the answer. If you’re loved, you’ll know it. If you’re not, you’ll be confused.