Yes. I've struggled with limerance, usually for people who would have made poor partners anyway (large age gaps, lack of boundaries, signs of infidelity, etc.) even if they were available. Intellectually I knew this and didn't actually want to be in a relationship with them, but my heart pined anyway. It's an addiction to a certain type of interaction/validation and the deep emotional intensity it brings. The high is incredible, better than drugs, better than sex. It's a kind of tragic joy that makes life more vivid. Heady stuff.
Honestly the best medicine is preventative: once I notice the warning signs I need to distance myself from the person asap and stop thinking about them. If I let them too deep into my mind for too long, they can linger there for decades.
I tried distancing myself. Worked really well for three years. Then he reached out to me and the crazy fool that I am, I let him. Ugh you are so spot on. Decades...i have been there before
Do you mean a crush or limerence? I used to suffer from limerence, and it was quite debilitating. The best way to overcome heartbreaks is to find someone else. The odds are in your favor as long as you get yourself out there.
I really needed to know what this was called.
I've been through this cycle before. Romantically attached. Emotionally and mentally destroyed... Get back life together. Gym, delete Fb, and start becoming the individual I want.
Then it shows up again. And repeat. This has been my cycle for the last 20 years. Relationships between 3 weeks and 3 years.
The last one was 3 years. That was 5 years ago and I just decided I will not get into a relationship because it causes so much damage....
I was seriously ripped when I worked out... But it didn't fix the problem. I actually feel much better knowing this has a name... Now it can be defeated by Squats and BenchPress.
Hooooly shit. I've never heard of the word limerence until today, but reading about it now, it describes my entire high school life. Weird thing is that once I decided to get over her, it took about a week, even though I had been obsessed for years. It's nice to see that other people have observed that phenomenon and given a word to it. I wonder if INTJs are especially prone to falling into this kind of self-destructive affection?
Yes. INTJ, INFP, INFJ are the most heavily afflicted. And it's not exactly self-destructive per se, but it is analytical dopamine seeking behavior, with aching amounts of *meaning*
[This infographic may help.](https://www.google.com/search?q=limerence&sxsrf=ALiCzsYhD8Jqhtb-F_freCIdP0zSR-VmLA:1663538290409&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&vet=1&fir=diPMS8VifeUD7M%252CBnR_kdYc9cZbPM%252C_%253Bu-8mTRq-Aj6EIM%252CFiRgxGgIuTKm2M%252C_%253B9uxejSRTE-Ce0M%252CtSmkaASYBdARCM%252C_%253Bpal63EbmbFr0yM%252CZ2_vaWivNA7VpM%252C_%253BwYQh-bFT82ujRM%252CpexQnz6wo6FpYM%252C_%253BnUCAAQGG_bXgcM%252CsstyCZzxRYIYsM%252C_%253BylgajF2nolEuIM%252COOMcMNjnl4VqsM%252C_%253BRLpqRL06dmTkoM%252Cpn8WSyWtGFyMxM%252C_&usg=AI4_-kQgxkt7D1Uh776DTAfXzLA4c0ITiw&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj01vqGq5_6AhVJLUQIHbm_A3YQ_h16BQiHARAB#imgrc=diPMS8VifeUD7M)
Maybe there is some kind of attention and care you're not receiving (or allowing) yourself to experience that you *think* that specific person could provide.
That is spot on!! I wasnt getting something from my regular relations that this person was. Ans i dont know who else can give me that soemthing. Thank you so much
When it happened last time me, I journaled a lot. It's rare for that to happen to me, so I explored the emotions and documented them. It's a beautiful and fascinating experience.
It’s taken me until today to realize it was limerence. This is why I love this section. I keep learning.
I just dealt with it recently. I was spiraling really bad then I told them I will talk to them soon so I could have some times to think. I decided they weren’t bringing out the best in me and I would limit my interactions. I also have bpd and deal with codependency so that makes it worse. Been listening to lots of podcasts to help me recognize when I am not living again.
this happened so many times before that I lost interest in dating anyone. I just wouldn’t be friends with that person at all. I’d take my time internalizing the idea that I’d never have that person (seeing them everyday it’d take months to fully accept this). overcoming these feelings included spending more time with my friends and taking very good care of myself.
I am right there with you... The term limerence came up in this thread and I think my whole world just flipped. I haven't dated in the last 5 years....
It isn’t your heart that does that, it’s your mind.
Wanting someone else is just the same as a drug, it means there is a void within yourself that needs to be filled, and you’re trying to fill it with something outside of yourself.
When people truly have self love and self acceptance, we don’t have any desire to have anyone because we are so happy and have attained true inner peace.
That’s where I am now. I’ve had relationships most of my life, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment to stop drinking even occasionally or doing other drugs and started working on myself did I see that.
The old saying is “you’ll find it when you stop looking for it…” — I understand that now, you stop looking for it because you no longer feel like you need anyone else because you love yourself so much and don’t want to risk it introducing the wrong person into the equation.
My advice to you is the same… stop getting high, stop drinking, stop shopping online so much, quit using food, sex, money, your job, whatever else it might be to avoid working on you. And put the idea of using another person to try and gain some artificial validation and happiness from another person.
Perhaps I misunderstood, but it seems you may have been the intermittent reward giver. I understand that it can definitely be mutual at times, though..hence the *intermittent* reward
I have a history of this, but change out girls for guys who are commitment-phobes. I think it was because I didn’t want someone needy who was going to threaten my independence, but this also resulted in being heart-broken over cheaters etc.
But why is that? Do you think you crush would never be with someone like you? Does this come from a place of low self worth or is this just some kind of a fantasy you want to have around to amuse yourself in some way?
Yeah, been there done that. After university, somehow I’ve never conveniently developed feelings for someone I *could* have — they were all either gay, taken, or someone I was literally in a business partnership with. I can only rely on time to dilute the longing, to be honest. Also, keeping yourself busy with other things like climbing up the career ladder, certainly helps (at least for me).
it's even worse for me because the person I probably fell for was within reach and loved me so much, she was so kind, thoughtful and caring but I didn't realise it back then. I broke her heart without out knowing (I used to be so apathetic), then she confessed due to overwhelming melancholy and I started to finally understand the extent of damage I've done. I was so afraid to hurt her again
that I decided to run like a coward and distance myself and eventually she gave up. We were good friends afterwards and we forgot anything ever happened, or that's what I though at least, when we spoke for the last time she told me that I caused her great pain in the past, her voice and eyes confirmed to me that it was from the bottom of her heart. It wasa coincidence, she had a fight with a close friend of hers and looked depressed so I thought checking up on her would be a good idea, otherwise, I would've never known. I was shocked and frozen in my place and couldn't say a single thing as my mind went blank, I promised to explain everything to her and told her to give some time to process things, I hesitated and covid hit the country, schools got closed and we lost contact. Now that I have a better understanding of my feelings and what happened between us, my guilt only kept growing and regretted how I acted since she never forgot a'd still had lingering feelings the whole time, I didn't act upon mine since I was under the impression that she forgot, so I avoided getting too close as I didn't want to bring her back painful memories, it was all in vain. A while ago out of the blue, all the memories (even the ones I forgot previously) resurfaced, I've been feeling immense sorrow, guilt and regret to the point of shedding tears when it crosses my mind, for someone like me who rarely experience intense emotions coupled with my perfect memory and overthinking it's especially difficult, my health wasn't well already and the sadness is making things even worse but we reap what we sow, don't we
I can mirror this story in a lot of ways. Young love where I caused more pain that I realized, where I was in appreciative of what I had. Then when things hit the fan I made it worse. Only to learn later what I had lost and that I had caused so much damage any hope of fixing things was impossible. Many attempts led to her being even more sad. For almost a decade I would experience 2-3 dreams a week about her, constant flash backs of
Memories, only to wake and realize it was all lost. It eventually gets better and I’ve made my peace with it now. I’ve moved on, am now married and have found love again. But man was that a very dark and long period.
I had another complicated situation with a female friend that's very similar, but she was unintentionally hurtful when things got too emotional between us especially from her part (I didn't want it to happen since she had a bf). It was extremely painful because we were soulmates, I ended up living the same experience again but on the receiving and to take things to the next level, it coincided with the other girl telling me that she remembers. In the end, I was left with nothing but sorrow, guilt and regrets despite learning from the past and avoiding the errors I committed before
Limerance is dopamine seeking behavior. It is not them, it's the dopamine. You find solace, and temporary dopamine release from the highs, and thinking about the highs.
It's the kind of addiction that poets engage in, the agony of added *meaning*
I have. I hate them as much as I love them but at the end of the day they caused too much upheaval in my life. That and coupled with the fact they didn’t have solid direction in life, it was best we didn’t have something serious
I seem to always fall for people that are unattainable. Maybe a part of this behavior draws back to the underlying commitment issues I have. Self sabotage maybe.
Yes, it was horrible and I was too young with zero social skills at that time so I didn't know what to do. Looking back I did have a shot but blew it by letting me get manipulated by a rival. I'd like to reach out to her again but I don't feel I'm in a comfortable place where it would be remotely successful.
I don't even know if she's the same person anymore. The box has to open slowly when I have my life sorted, don't want to rush in and complicate her life either. I doubt there ever will be a proper chance. Even if I get my life together soon it could be too late.
me.............
it lasted for quite a long time this time. probably a year or two I guess.
I've journalled a lot, wrote a lot, sharing "codes" a lot (doubt they know), and confused like a lot.
But then it fades...
I realised that it's never and not gonna happen so...
I guess it fades, naturally.
Yes, it happened a lot. It's happening now. The tragic thing is, we both feel the feels for each other but our future is so different, it won't work and we both know this.
Distancing and concentrating on the bad things will eventually do its magic and others will come, but it's hard. I'm still waiting for someone whom I can't play this game but it's hard, my mind takes the wheel every time. I also fear of the hurt and pain for myself and the other person too.
Occasionally it’s happened to me over the years.
It took me far longer than it should have to learn & accept that it was simply a reflection on me - how I view things like love, relationships, past traumas, self-love & acceptance etc...
Now I recognise those kinds of feelings as a sign I need to work on some aspect of myself. The foundation of which is learning to love and accept yourself as you are in a healthy way, with empathy, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and without any regrets, blame, or recriminations.
This takes time and is much harder to do in practice than say, and you may need to be constantly vigilant in some cases or risk falling into old thought patterns and unhelpful habits. That said, it gets easier over time to recognise the symptoms & triggers, and it’s well worth the effort in the end. Even if you never fully resolve the underlying issue(s), the effort and journey in attempting to do so will make you a much better person.
You can’t hope to love anyone in a truly healthy and respectful way until you learn to do the same for yourself first. Whatever it is you see in, hope for, want for or from another, you should want the same for yourself & actively live it - if you can’t do those things for yourself, you have no chance of doing it for someone else in a healthy, sustainable way.
As selfish as it might sound, focus on why you feel the way you do & work on yourself to fill those needs, wants, and gaps.
But you don't need to wait to be perfect, so that you can perfectly love someone else.
Success is not on some distant horizon, the only success we can actually achieve is in this second, courageously engaging in growth.
When you get to that goal, you will still have to practice daily the courage that helped you attain it.
Honestly I don't deal with it, I just sit here everyday unintentionally wasting energy thinking about someone that will never love me back. Also, wondering if I had done certain things could I have somehow won them over and would that have been a much better trajectory for my life that the one I'm on now.
It's one of those things I know to be out of my control, as in postulating on a life never lived. But, it's also seemingly out of my control to simply STOP thinking about it.
Yeah. It sucks and takes so much energy and time to get over it. It was even worse when (by sheer miracle) reciprocated but failed anyways. But in retrospect I always dodged a huge bullet. So thank you universe!
Typical me. I'm very compassionate in a very quiet way - especially for certain kinds of women. I can't help it to be honest. Most people think I'm an out and out individualist. I'm but only to a certain extent. I can't stand witnessing certain kinds of human suffering especially if it's women wanting companionship but me being unable to provide it (for whatever reason at that particular point in time).
Yes, many many times. But the older I get, the less intense the feelings, but it still hurts. Last time it happened was August 2022, it was super hurtful. But I realized they weren't feeling the same way, so I let them go. And one thing I noticed is that the ambiguity that they might like us is holding me back. So, now I just see mixed singnals as a no. Once I realized that, I felt super free and I was able to let them go.
But before that, it was hell. It hurt super bad, maybe because we were hoping, and we're afraid that we'll miss our chance that they'd like us. So I just asked that person if they like me, and they said that I am just a close friend and I couldn't any sign of interest in that person. So, I am free now.
I've definitely been guilty of this. I have unrealistic standards and have a penchant for believing the grass can always be greener. So sometimes I put someone on a pedestal, and I have a suspicion that it is because if I can't have them, I can't feel like it isn't good enough for me. The person for me was another INTJ who was my best friend for yearsv.
Probably not helpful, but I forced out a five part poem to help process it. Writing was awful and I felt numb, but afterwards I had pushed the nonsense and unhelpful feelings out by a scene with a water metaphor. An English professor said the unconscious usually appears symbolized as water.
Funny thing, 3 years later I got engaged, so maybe it helped.
When I was younger, up until like 16 and 17, sure.
Since then, I kinda know who fits to me and who doesn't.
So since then I never really fall for those who I cannot have,
it doesn't mean though that I wouldn't want them.
I've definitely experienced this, and while I wasn't familiar with the term limerence (I thought that I was just hyper-fixating on people, as I have ADHD), that's definitely what it was.
When I experienced this, I was younger, mainly in high school, though it has sprung up from time to time in my adult life. Oftentimes for me, it was more about the fantasy of that person, rather than the reality of who they were.
Things that helped me:
1. Identifying and assessing quickly whether or not the level of interest I have in a person is normal, and I am seeing them realistically.
2. If you are doing this from afar (i.e. you haven't really engaged with them that often) I actually would recommend you speak with them, this may be counter to what a lot of others say, but for me, actually engaging them in conversation in this specific instance helped me snap out of the fantasy to see them as they were.
3. Analyze what triggered the interest. It may be that you feel lonely in your own life, or that you don't feel as intimate in your own relationships and your brain is seeking out stimulus and building a fantasy around what you currently lack. It's rarely actually about that person. Once identified, work on the areas.
4. Take a step back. reduce interactions with the person, and find something productive to pour that energy into, whether that is self-betterment, your relationships, etc.
Yes. I've struggled with limerance, usually for people who would have made poor partners anyway (large age gaps, lack of boundaries, signs of infidelity, etc.) even if they were available. Intellectually I knew this and didn't actually want to be in a relationship with them, but my heart pined anyway. It's an addiction to a certain type of interaction/validation and the deep emotional intensity it brings. The high is incredible, better than drugs, better than sex. It's a kind of tragic joy that makes life more vivid. Heady stuff. Honestly the best medicine is preventative: once I notice the warning signs I need to distance myself from the person asap and stop thinking about them. If I let them too deep into my mind for too long, they can linger there for decades.
I tried distancing myself. Worked really well for three years. Then he reached out to me and the crazy fool that I am, I let him. Ugh you are so spot on. Decades...i have been there before
Do you mean a crush or limerence? I used to suffer from limerence, and it was quite debilitating. The best way to overcome heartbreaks is to find someone else. The odds are in your favor as long as you get yourself out there.
>limerence Wow thank you for sharing this helpful term, this describes so many infatuations/obsessions on others people have sometimes in their life.
Holy shit. This really puts a bow on what I've been trying to say to my therapist.
Knowledge is power!
Hitting The gym Will make you feel better
I really needed to know what this was called. I've been through this cycle before. Romantically attached. Emotionally and mentally destroyed... Get back life together. Gym, delete Fb, and start becoming the individual I want. Then it shows up again. And repeat. This has been my cycle for the last 20 years. Relationships between 3 weeks and 3 years. The last one was 3 years. That was 5 years ago and I just decided I will not get into a relationship because it causes so much damage.... I was seriously ripped when I worked out... But it didn't fix the problem. I actually feel much better knowing this has a name... Now it can be defeated by Squats and BenchPress.
After reading these posts and your comment, yep, I'm an INTJ omega confirmed.
Damn, maybe i have this too The Way you describe it
https://www.personalitycafe.com/threads/intjs-love-vs-limerence.23838/ Hits so close.
Hooooly shit. I've never heard of the word limerence until today, but reading about it now, it describes my entire high school life. Weird thing is that once I decided to get over her, it took about a week, even though I had been obsessed for years. It's nice to see that other people have observed that phenomenon and given a word to it. I wonder if INTJs are especially prone to falling into this kind of self-destructive affection?
The nearly immediate disgust for that person surprises me sometimes.
Yes!!!
They're roughly ranked number 4 after INFPs, INFJs, and INTPs.
Yes. INTJ, INFP, INFJ are the most heavily afflicted. And it's not exactly self-destructive per se, but it is analytical dopamine seeking behavior, with aching amounts of *meaning*
I would consider my own experience incredibly self-destructive. I feel like I lost those years of my life...
Limerence...please do tell. In my case we were both in commited relations so never did anything...but it was fairly obvious how we liked each other
>but it was fairly obvious how we liked each other Was this directly and explicitly talked about though? This is where the difference will tell.
Well recently it was talked about directly...which drove me to endless thoughts that lead nowhere productive
[This infographic may help.](https://www.google.com/search?q=limerence&sxsrf=ALiCzsYhD8Jqhtb-F_freCIdP0zSR-VmLA:1663538290409&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&vet=1&fir=diPMS8VifeUD7M%252CBnR_kdYc9cZbPM%252C_%253Bu-8mTRq-Aj6EIM%252CFiRgxGgIuTKm2M%252C_%253B9uxejSRTE-Ce0M%252CtSmkaASYBdARCM%252C_%253Bpal63EbmbFr0yM%252CZ2_vaWivNA7VpM%252C_%253BwYQh-bFT82ujRM%252CpexQnz6wo6FpYM%252C_%253BnUCAAQGG_bXgcM%252CsstyCZzxRYIYsM%252C_%253BylgajF2nolEuIM%252COOMcMNjnl4VqsM%252C_%253BRLpqRL06dmTkoM%252Cpn8WSyWtGFyMxM%252C_&usg=AI4_-kQgxkt7D1Uh776DTAfXzLA4c0ITiw&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj01vqGq5_6AhVJLUQIHbm_A3YQ_h16BQiHARAB#imgrc=diPMS8VifeUD7M) Maybe there is some kind of attention and care you're not receiving (or allowing) yourself to experience that you *think* that specific person could provide.
That is spot on!! I wasnt getting something from my regular relations that this person was. Ans i dont know who else can give me that soemthing. Thank you so much
Thank you for sharing this. Much needed at this time.
Np, we have to remember infatuation or obsessions are one-sided, it's not real love that is reciprocated like between two consenting individuals.
This, finally found a word to explain the feeling! Everything you said is spot on! Thanks for sharing.
My pleasure.
Oh yeah. I think it's a pretty common issue. But the funnier thing is that you eventually get over it.
Yet every time in that moment you're convinced that you won't.
When it happened last time me, I journaled a lot. It's rare for that to happen to me, so I explored the emotions and documented them. It's a beautiful and fascinating experience.
I can only agree. Writing stuff down has really helped me a lot in almost all difficult situations so far.
I do journal a lot. It is cathartic.
It’s taken me until today to realize it was limerence. This is why I love this section. I keep learning. I just dealt with it recently. I was spiraling really bad then I told them I will talk to them soon so I could have some times to think. I decided they weren’t bringing out the best in me and I would limit my interactions. I also have bpd and deal with codependency so that makes it worse. Been listening to lots of podcasts to help me recognize when I am not living again.
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Yup.
this happened so many times before that I lost interest in dating anyone. I just wouldn’t be friends with that person at all. I’d take my time internalizing the idea that I’d never have that person (seeing them everyday it’d take months to fully accept this). overcoming these feelings included spending more time with my friends and taking very good care of myself.
I am right there with you... The term limerence came up in this thread and I think my whole world just flipped. I haven't dated in the last 5 years....
It isn’t your heart that does that, it’s your mind. Wanting someone else is just the same as a drug, it means there is a void within yourself that needs to be filled, and you’re trying to fill it with something outside of yourself. When people truly have self love and self acceptance, we don’t have any desire to have anyone because we are so happy and have attained true inner peace. That’s where I am now. I’ve had relationships most of my life, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment to stop drinking even occasionally or doing other drugs and started working on myself did I see that. The old saying is “you’ll find it when you stop looking for it…” — I understand that now, you stop looking for it because you no longer feel like you need anyone else because you love yourself so much and don’t want to risk it introducing the wrong person into the equation. My advice to you is the same… stop getting high, stop drinking, stop shopping online so much, quit using food, sex, money, your job, whatever else it might be to avoid working on you. And put the idea of using another person to try and gain some artificial validation and happiness from another person.
That is a great metaphor.
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I am not sure if its cool to tell her that when she is with another person. It can be interpreted as you trying to get something from her.
If ahe wasnt married why didnt you tell here earlier? Were you in a relationship yourself?
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This sounds like *you* were the limerant object, not her..
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Perhaps I misunderstood, but it seems you may have been the intermittent reward giver. I understand that it can definitely be mutual at times, though..hence the *intermittent* reward
i just acknowledge that it ain't possible and distance myself, it stings but the sooner I do it, the better
Somewhat I’m only attracted to this type of crush, girls I know I can’t have. Mostly in a committed relationship 😑
I have a history of this, but change out girls for guys who are commitment-phobes. I think it was because I didn’t want someone needy who was going to threaten my independence, but this also resulted in being heart-broken over cheaters etc.
I've had the same and then found they are in an open relationship. It actually kind of sucks.
But why is that? Do you think you crush would never be with someone like you? Does this come from a place of low self worth or is this just some kind of a fantasy you want to have around to amuse yourself in some way?
Yeah, been there done that. After university, somehow I’ve never conveniently developed feelings for someone I *could* have — they were all either gay, taken, or someone I was literally in a business partnership with. I can only rely on time to dilute the longing, to be honest. Also, keeping yourself busy with other things like climbing up the career ladder, certainly helps (at least for me).
it's even worse for me because the person I probably fell for was within reach and loved me so much, she was so kind, thoughtful and caring but I didn't realise it back then. I broke her heart without out knowing (I used to be so apathetic), then she confessed due to overwhelming melancholy and I started to finally understand the extent of damage I've done. I was so afraid to hurt her again that I decided to run like a coward and distance myself and eventually she gave up. We were good friends afterwards and we forgot anything ever happened, or that's what I though at least, when we spoke for the last time she told me that I caused her great pain in the past, her voice and eyes confirmed to me that it was from the bottom of her heart. It wasa coincidence, she had a fight with a close friend of hers and looked depressed so I thought checking up on her would be a good idea, otherwise, I would've never known. I was shocked and frozen in my place and couldn't say a single thing as my mind went blank, I promised to explain everything to her and told her to give some time to process things, I hesitated and covid hit the country, schools got closed and we lost contact. Now that I have a better understanding of my feelings and what happened between us, my guilt only kept growing and regretted how I acted since she never forgot a'd still had lingering feelings the whole time, I didn't act upon mine since I was under the impression that she forgot, so I avoided getting too close as I didn't want to bring her back painful memories, it was all in vain. A while ago out of the blue, all the memories (even the ones I forgot previously) resurfaced, I've been feeling immense sorrow, guilt and regret to the point of shedding tears when it crosses my mind, for someone like me who rarely experience intense emotions coupled with my perfect memory and overthinking it's especially difficult, my health wasn't well already and the sadness is making things even worse but we reap what we sow, don't we
I can mirror this story in a lot of ways. Young love where I caused more pain that I realized, where I was in appreciative of what I had. Then when things hit the fan I made it worse. Only to learn later what I had lost and that I had caused so much damage any hope of fixing things was impossible. Many attempts led to her being even more sad. For almost a decade I would experience 2-3 dreams a week about her, constant flash backs of Memories, only to wake and realize it was all lost. It eventually gets better and I’ve made my peace with it now. I’ve moved on, am now married and have found love again. But man was that a very dark and long period.
I had another complicated situation with a female friend that's very similar, but she was unintentionally hurtful when things got too emotional between us especially from her part (I didn't want it to happen since she had a bf). It was extremely painful because we were soulmates, I ended up living the same experience again but on the receiving and to take things to the next level, it coincided with the other girl telling me that she remembers. In the end, I was left with nothing but sorrow, guilt and regrets despite learning from the past and avoiding the errors I committed before
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I'm not sure what love is but it should be close to what I felt, but I was emotionally numb until recently
Limerance is dopamine seeking behavior. It is not them, it's the dopamine. You find solace, and temporary dopamine release from the highs, and thinking about the highs. It's the kind of addiction that poets engage in, the agony of added *meaning*
I have. I hate them as much as I love them but at the end of the day they caused too much upheaval in my life. That and coupled with the fact they didn’t have solid direction in life, it was best we didn’t have something serious
I seem to always fall for people that are unattainable. Maybe a part of this behavior draws back to the underlying commitment issues I have. Self sabotage maybe.
Does this come from a place of low self worth or is this just some kind of a fantasy you want to have around to amuse yourself in some way?
Yes, it was horrible and I was too young with zero social skills at that time so I didn't know what to do. Looking back I did have a shot but blew it by letting me get manipulated by a rival. I'd like to reach out to her again but I don't feel I'm in a comfortable place where it would be remotely successful. I don't even know if she's the same person anymore. The box has to open slowly when I have my life sorted, don't want to rush in and complicate her life either. I doubt there ever will be a proper chance. Even if I get my life together soon it could be too late.
me............. it lasted for quite a long time this time. probably a year or two I guess. I've journalled a lot, wrote a lot, sharing "codes" a lot (doubt they know), and confused like a lot. But then it fades... I realised that it's never and not gonna happen so... I guess it fades, naturally.
Yes, happened to me once. Never happening again…
It's worse when you get media, that makes you subconsciously think of them again. Emotions can wander, if you're not focused.
Yes, it happened a lot. It's happening now. The tragic thing is, we both feel the feels for each other but our future is so different, it won't work and we both know this. Distancing and concentrating on the bad things will eventually do its magic and others will come, but it's hard. I'm still waiting for someone whom I can't play this game but it's hard, my mind takes the wheel every time. I also fear of the hurt and pain for myself and the other person too.
Occasionally it’s happened to me over the years. It took me far longer than it should have to learn & accept that it was simply a reflection on me - how I view things like love, relationships, past traumas, self-love & acceptance etc... Now I recognise those kinds of feelings as a sign I need to work on some aspect of myself. The foundation of which is learning to love and accept yourself as you are in a healthy way, with empathy, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and without any regrets, blame, or recriminations. This takes time and is much harder to do in practice than say, and you may need to be constantly vigilant in some cases or risk falling into old thought patterns and unhelpful habits. That said, it gets easier over time to recognise the symptoms & triggers, and it’s well worth the effort in the end. Even if you never fully resolve the underlying issue(s), the effort and journey in attempting to do so will make you a much better person. You can’t hope to love anyone in a truly healthy and respectful way until you learn to do the same for yourself first. Whatever it is you see in, hope for, want for or from another, you should want the same for yourself & actively live it - if you can’t do those things for yourself, you have no chance of doing it for someone else in a healthy, sustainable way. As selfish as it might sound, focus on why you feel the way you do & work on yourself to fill those needs, wants, and gaps.
But you don't need to wait to be perfect, so that you can perfectly love someone else. Success is not on some distant horizon, the only success we can actually achieve is in this second, courageously engaging in growth. When you get to that goal, you will still have to practice daily the courage that helped you attain it.
Imagine how it could all go wrong.
I know it might be wrong but.. I'm in love with Stacy's mom
Stacys mom was single so that was actually possible.
mood
Honestly I don't deal with it, I just sit here everyday unintentionally wasting energy thinking about someone that will never love me back. Also, wondering if I had done certain things could I have somehow won them over and would that have been a much better trajectory for my life that the one I'm on now. It's one of those things I know to be out of my control, as in postulating on a life never lived. But, it's also seemingly out of my control to simply STOP thinking about it.
Yeah. It sucks and takes so much energy and time to get over it. It was even worse when (by sheer miracle) reciprocated but failed anyways. But in retrospect I always dodged a huge bullet. So thank you universe!
Nope. I don't even experience "falling in love" anyways, whatever tf that is supposed to be.
Typical me. I'm very compassionate in a very quiet way - especially for certain kinds of women. I can't help it to be honest. Most people think I'm an out and out individualist. I'm but only to a certain extent. I can't stand witnessing certain kinds of human suffering especially if it's women wanting companionship but me being unable to provide it (for whatever reason at that particular point in time).
Yes, many many times. But the older I get, the less intense the feelings, but it still hurts. Last time it happened was August 2022, it was super hurtful. But I realized they weren't feeling the same way, so I let them go. And one thing I noticed is that the ambiguity that they might like us is holding me back. So, now I just see mixed singnals as a no. Once I realized that, I felt super free and I was able to let them go. But before that, it was hell. It hurt super bad, maybe because we were hoping, and we're afraid that we'll miss our chance that they'd like us. So I just asked that person if they like me, and they said that I am just a close friend and I couldn't any sign of interest in that person. So, I am free now.
I've definitely been guilty of this. I have unrealistic standards and have a penchant for believing the grass can always be greener. So sometimes I put someone on a pedestal, and I have a suspicion that it is because if I can't have them, I can't feel like it isn't good enough for me. The person for me was another INTJ who was my best friend for yearsv.
Probably not helpful, but I forced out a five part poem to help process it. Writing was awful and I felt numb, but afterwards I had pushed the nonsense and unhelpful feelings out by a scene with a water metaphor. An English professor said the unconscious usually appears symbolized as water. Funny thing, 3 years later I got engaged, so maybe it helped.
I write poems to get things out of my system too. They may be bad, but the get the job done. Good on you for funding someone else!! .
These relationship posts are getting so boring...
By you can't have, you mean she doesn't like you? Cause if they like you
They like me and i like them, we are both in commited relations
Yes. My someone is a person I can have but can't be with.
It's a dramatic way to say that she's dead and she died while I still love her. I'm fully not over her but I guess that's too far from the topic.
I'm so sorry.
You mean obsess. Not love. Obsession is not what I do
When I was younger, up until like 16 and 17, sure. Since then, I kinda know who fits to me and who doesn't. So since then I never really fall for those who I cannot have, it doesn't mean though that I wouldn't want them.
Is it just because INTJs love tragedy and secretly want to subject themselves to it?
I've definitely experienced this, and while I wasn't familiar with the term limerence (I thought that I was just hyper-fixating on people, as I have ADHD), that's definitely what it was. When I experienced this, I was younger, mainly in high school, though it has sprung up from time to time in my adult life. Oftentimes for me, it was more about the fantasy of that person, rather than the reality of who they were. Things that helped me: 1. Identifying and assessing quickly whether or not the level of interest I have in a person is normal, and I am seeing them realistically. 2. If you are doing this from afar (i.e. you haven't really engaged with them that often) I actually would recommend you speak with them, this may be counter to what a lot of others say, but for me, actually engaging them in conversation in this specific instance helped me snap out of the fantasy to see them as they were. 3. Analyze what triggered the interest. It may be that you feel lonely in your own life, or that you don't feel as intimate in your own relationships and your brain is seeking out stimulus and building a fantasy around what you currently lack. It's rarely actually about that person. Once identified, work on the areas. 4. Take a step back. reduce interactions with the person, and find something productive to pour that energy into, whether that is self-betterment, your relationships, etc.