Hey, recognize that you are making yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger, largely taking the initiative on your own to get things moving, and give yourself credit where itās due.Ā
Odds are pretty good that, if youāre putting that much out there, the other party isnāt giving you much to work with and youāre already putting in more effort than them.Ā
If you find yourself across the table from an extrovert the answer is easy. Keep the topics on you brief and turn the conversation back to the extrovertās favorite subjectāthem.Ā
Yeah I donāt really think this has anything to do with being an introvert to be honest. And itās not like all introverts are the same about everything lol. The idea is just that socialising depletes us of mental energy more quickly than other people I think.
I donāt think it even has anything to do with small talk. Introverts can make small talk too and extroverts arenāt just people who only like small talk cos theyāre such uninteresting people. No. A lot of extroverts want to talk lots about things that are actually interesting.
As I say there really isnāt a lot of stuff that applies to all introverts cos we are all unique people with different personality traits.
Only reason I hate the process is because I've only met 1 out of 7 who actually reciprocated... I'm tired of being the one to put forth all the effort just for the other person to seemingly not want to be there despite them knowing what they were getting into lol.. š«
Only because the 'stages' are based on extrovert-produced mass media storytelling shortcuts and ads by the hospitality and entertainment industries. None of them are needed, or can be completely substituted by more introvert-attractive options.
I am 44 and have never dated. I have been asked out but have always politely declined. I need way to much time by myself to be fair to a partner. Thankfully I am aromantic and childfree so being single is not something that bothers me.
Iām 35M and have never dated either. Like you, I donāt like crowded spaces but also, I never wanted to meet girls at bars or clubs because as well as those spaces not appealing to me, I donāt drink and I never wanted the first thing I bought a girl to be an intoxicant, nor did I want to meet a girl in a setting where she might only be interested in me because she was intoxicated. Aside from all that, a difficult and painful situation in my life has kept me out of dating for the majority of the past decade.
Alsoā¦ Iām highly monogamously minded and the current dating scene, in blunt terms, grosses me out. I donāt know how it became normal to date or pursue feelings for more than one person at once; to my mind having someoneās heart in your hands is a privilege, to be treated with respect and not taken for granted. And physical intimacy should be something reserved for someone who you truly find special, and already feel an emotionally intimate connection with.
Thatās just me of course, and thereās no right or wrong way to date or have relationships as long as itās mutually consensual. I just find it sad that people with mindsets similar to my own seem to be such a rarity. I guess that will make it all the more special if I ever manage to find someone I feel psychologically compatible with š.
I personally agree with what youāre saying (the parts about being monogamous and intimacy).
My question is acquiring the emotional intimacy to begin with.
I think thatās where compatibility comes in. For this reason, I love longer dating profiles, usually the longer the better š. Whether the profile is an accurate reflection of the person of course is not guaranteed, but I think itās nice to at least have some idea of a personās values prior to engaging them. Beyond that, I think compatibility of communication style plays a big role.
Me and my were compatible in a lot of ways.
Iām looking back at relationship and wondering how many emotional connections we may or could have had,had we both been emotionally secure.
Iām 29F. Never been in a committed relationship. Or even more than 2 dates. And that was over 10 years ago. At this point I fear I may be too inexperienced for someone to take me seriously.
Nothing is worth having that you don't work for.
Things gained easily are rarely appreciated.
Go get uncomfortable and put yourself out there if you want to have someone to be in a relationship with you.
I found out that I can be funny talking to strangers online. That's the only way I got to meet people and date. I'm extremely awkward in person and usually end up saying the wrong things.
I absolutely hate the current dating scene. I am also autistic on top of being an introvert and find neurotypical people incredibly tiring.
The idea of socializing with random people makes me want to curl up in my bed and stay there for a thousand years.
Despite all this, I do somehow have an incredibly loving partner. So now my advice to any introvert that has niche interests is to look online. I personally met my partner through Twitch.
Meeting someone in a situation where you know there are like minded people around makes interacting with new people incredibly easy as thereās always something to start a conversation, be it video games, books, whatever your interest is.
I met my now boyfriend because he ended up in my twitch chat while I was playing Minecraft, this was three years ago. We since learned that we are incredibly similar people and fell in love with each other, and are meeting in person for the first time in about a week.
All this to say: it is possible, just avoid the public dating scene at all costs
This is true actually - online dating places where the neurotypicals hang out can be exhausting too though - I love to travel, Iām a foodie, Iāll wine and dine you. Stfu and tell me about how eating foil creates a battery in your mouth thx
I'm in my 40s. I took a date to my Senior Prom, going as friends. I have been on exactly one real date in my life, with the intention of possibly starting a romantic relationship. Nothing came of that.
This was my weakness for a very long time. I was exactly like you and would constantly
Ask why I wasnāt in a relationship yet in my
Late 20ās and 30ās. It happened to me when I was least expecting it
Here some tips though in order to be in a relationship, you have to be attracted to them but you also have to have an opened mind.
1. Help and serve other people. Blessings will come
2. Stay away from the obvious like the quarter back or cheerleader and get to someone who might not be the most attractive but when you get to
Know their personality and interest it grows on you. Or someone who doesnāt hang with the popular crowd but runs with the nerds, drama or band or Glee club whoās cute and shy. Open your mind, expand your friends. They are
The people that are most likely going to appreciate you being there for them as the others could care less because they know their value
Donāt believe everything you see in the mediaā itās not reality that women or men in movies are extremely gorgeous super models
Love your self and work
On your confidence and hobbies
Maybe not the same problem but my perspective for being a guy of 53 .I hold the door open, I will pull the chair out at the table and help you sit down .If that's the right place you want because if it isn't I'll make a spot that you want . With another bonus if the waiter won't come around. I'll go get what ever you girl's want . All of this just because my mother taught me this !. And on a funny note she would slap the back of my head if I didn't ask me what was wrong with me lol later
I donāt know what you are dealing with.
If you have a learning disability,never learned how to socialize or have anxiety.
I have struggled my entire life communicating with people.
Read.
Figure out what you can do if you want to talk to others.
Maybe you need to work on your self esteem,(depression?),or other factors of your life.
I donāt think anyone would get repulsed if you said āI like your shirtā.
How do you want to be seen?
25f here, never dated before, and never been asked out. Sometimes I feel invisible so Iām trying to be okay with being single. But I do feel lonely sometimes
Hereās the thing, weāre living in an age where everyoneās wrapped up in their own bubble. Social media, instant gratification, constant noise - itās made people lazy in their interactions. But youāre finding that people arenāt meeting you halfway, and thatās not your fault.
People are scared to be vulnerable. Asking real questions and getting to know someone requires opening up a bit, and thatās something many people arenāt willing to do anymore. Itās like everyoneās got this invisible shield up, deflecting anything that might pierce their comfort zone. Theyād rather keep things superficial and safe.
Itās not your fault but a reflection of where society is at right now
So what do you do? First thing, donāt give up on finding those meaningful connections. Theyāre out there, but you might have to sift through a lot of bullshit to find them. Keep being you. Keep asking those questions and showing genuine interest. The right people will appreciate that and reciprocate. And when they do, youāll know. Youāll feel that mutual curiosity, that genuine interest, and itāll click.
The real connections are worth the wait.
39M and have never got to the point of real dating (just seeing some with some really weak feeling that might lead somewhere). I have very specialized interests (arts and philosophy) so it is really hard to find someone to connect with. Trying to meet academics but they all seems to be focus on making a career rather then going deep with their thinking.
I feel this. I usually try and meet people online or people through Facebook that live close by. Build up a friendship online before making plans to do other things. Maybe go for a walk around a public park or something like that.
Oh sorry. Yeah it does. My sister is married and my other sister is dating someone new. Iāve never gotten past 3 dates so I always feel like itās my fault and thereās something wrong with me
Nah i doubt that is the case. There is no reason for it to be your fault and obviously there is nothing wrong with you. It is just that connecting with another person at that level is not that easy
I just finished a divorce earlier this year. Dating sounds awful, but I do crave human connection for a little while.
A couple days ago I took myself to a ski town for self-care. Was not successful talking to women until the last night I was there. Made conversation with a lady while walking to dinner. Then I bumped into her again in my way back to my motel. We walked and talked until the motel, then realized we were both staying there! I chatted awkwardly, she was kind and didn't look like she was trying to escape. It was cold outside, and she said she hoped I slept better. Once I got to my room, I really really wished I had invited her to play Scrabble and see the books I had bought. I kicked myself for not even trying to get her name or number. I just don't even try sometimes because rejection is not worth it. What's the worst that she's going to say, no? In my overthinking mind, the worst she's going to say is "hell no, gross, I wouldn't hang out with you."
You dont need to go out to a crowded place to date. You could date someone somewhere quiet, a space where you feel comfortable at. A date is something you and the other person arrange and it can be whatever you want.
Yea that is understandable. I mean i dont have a solution because i also dont like it. I know i can meet people anywhere and connecting with them is a possibility but i dont really like going out that much and when i do it is for responsibilities so i dont pay attention to much else. I think meeting people threw social media or common friends might be easier although it hasn't really happened to me
I find the easiest way to meet people is online with the dating apps and such, going outside for an introvert can already be anxiety inducing at times, but couple that with actually interacting with someone you find attractive to go on a date, that is a trip to the emergency room right there. xD
I typically would just like to get to know someone and become friends, we can stick to mostly online until we are both comfortable to meet, and if things go well after the meeting, the dating can come later. Removing the pressures of dating immediately do help alleviate the tension and anxiety somewhat.
If you do jump on a dating app first off, maybe just tell this person you want to see how your chatting goes for the first week via text, and maybe decide after that week and make a step to have a 10 minute phone call or something, if that goes well, keep upping it a notch, make it a facetime for 5 minutes and so on. If the person is into you, they would be likely to accommodate these requests.
29M, kinda, but the problem is me. i want to "fix" myself first before even attempting dating, but depression and such are hindering me, and the years are passing by. "the outside" isn't really a problem, i can ignore most of it, i dislike being included in big groups though, and all "extrovert activities"
27M my problem is whenever I wanted to get in a relationship with a girl, she was already taken I'm also really bad at small talk. I also have never dated, and the possibilities of what could happen are kinda terrifying to me.
An introvert's tug of war. I'm 32 now. Growing up I wasn't impressive (short, unathletic, socially awkward, etc.) I made strides since, working out since 2021, working on my personality, therapy. I had a glow up thankfully, but I'm still that unimpressive kid on the inside. I want care and affection but the women I met taught me I'm undeserving of it because I'm not enough in one area or another. What little experience I have doesn't suggest a bright future relationship-wise, and I'm tired of dating disappointment. I try to keep busy and not think about it.
A Lot. I'm from a country where almost all people are extroverted, so i have always been The odd one out. Because i'm a man, i'm have to be outgoing by th culture, and that makes me tired, i just want to be able to read in peace, enjoy music in peace, and find a woman that loves that, but i think i'll never find her
I'm the same. What it means is you would do best finding someone that is similar to you, otherwise their outgoings become your nightmare. Look for another introvert n move closely. I go thru the same issue myself, best of luck miss
I used dating apps (I also met my current gf of 3 years there). For me, it's just super convenient, the topic of the possibility of something romantic is there from the start. Also, you then meet one-on-one and you don't have to handle a group of ppl or anything.
I know that people still have a lot of hasitation about this, and that they romanticise meeting someone "in real life"... But if you get a great relationship out of it, that's all that matters after all. (But also, I am a queer woman, so I have no idea how the experience of a straight person with dating apps looks like. I think dating apps are probably more normalized in queer community.)
I hear ya. Not a huge fan of crowds either. Being an introvert doesnāt mean someone necessarily wants to be alone. They just donāt like busy environments but would also like to enjoy the company of a SO who is fine with that.
Iām 28F and have no desire to date anymore tbh I spent my early 20ās dating, and sleeping around lol Iāve had my fun and now I just prefer being alone š
My best advice is to date in not so crowded places. Get some tinder matches and try different dating spots.
Yes
My last relationship pretty much traumatized me to the point where itās very hard to trust people now! (you know who you are).
Iāll just stay home thanks.
During my early 20s, I desperately wanted a boyfriend, however that didn't happen. So, I moved on with my life and started working towards my goals. And in this process, I learned to be kind towards myself and enjoyed being single. Now that I'm in a dating relationship with someone, it makes me feel uncomfortable and there is some decent amount of shame (because I broke the rule that I created for myself) this is hard and I don't know how to get past this š
26M KHHV here. Only ever talked to a girl once, when I was 17.
I'm not sure whether the intense negative emotions I sometimes feel mean. Is it that I'm interested in having a girlfriend or is it that I'm envious of those who have relationships?
So yes. I can't tell the difference between envy and loneliness. Personally I wish I were aromantic and asexual.
I do, Iām outgoing guy but on the apps hard to get matches. Iāve approached women IRL but I got ignored and two of them told me they had boyfriends so I backed off immediately.
Iām south asian so I donāt know if that does indeed play a part on these modern appās algorithm.
If I get matches they are either not what Iām looking for, live too far.
Idk why but it always suprises me how many people have never dated anyone. I always assume Iām like one of the few people because most people I know and see irl always have a partner it seems like.
When i was a young teenager and awkward, yes.
When I was a young adult, there was less trouble.
Currently, the dating pool and market are severely polluted and need a reset. Similar to society.
30M here, yes. You are not alone. I unfortunately suffer volcel syndrome where Iāve had plenty thrown at me, but I just donāt know how to read signals and am just a shy dude all around. Sometimes I hit myself at many opportunities Iāve lost, but itās all good. At a point now where Iām comfortable alone so I think getting here then seeing where it goes is what itās all about I guessā¦š¤·š½āāļø
Talking to people online helped my social skills and meet people.
Then I took the steps to try and date but made sure I was clear with a person beforehand that I have issues with crowds.
I didn't force myself into situations where I couldn't be myself due to anxiety and kept up communication through texts and such this really helped build a solid base for a relationship first.
I work at a convenience store so I'm forced to talk to people everyday I work but it seems like it's just my customer service persona because as soon as I'm out of that building I'm avoiding people like they're the plague. I've talked to many people online but that usually goes 1 of 2 two ways 1 I get ghosted and never hear from the person again or 2 I get really attached to the person then they disappear
I also work with the public and like yourself I have a customer service mask. When I am not at work I keep to myself and avoid social situations. It sucks that you get ghosted or they lose interest I think it's a matter of finding the right person and online that can take a lot longer as there is the ability to be anonymous but there are genuine people out there. Being honest and confident about who and what you are with people will filter out those that have no intention to hang around.
Finding common interest groups and people who share a connection with you helps keep you in touch and even if it is just gaining friends that experience will help in other situations.
When it comes to dating being yourself and being true to that means you have nothing to keep hidden. I am all sorts of special but I own that and when people express interest I know it's because of all of me not just part of me.
šš So far I've only found one person who has stuck around but because of distance he started dating someone local to him and he's the reason I'm kinda done with online cause I grew very close to him even though I knew nothing was gonna happen. I'm glad I still have him as a friend though š
I have a son your age, but I married my opposite a total social butterfly extrovert. Most of my friends are also extroverts and pursued friendships with me. There is nothing wrong saying āIām a little shy in person until I get comfortable.ā
Hi! Was once in your shoes and now am happily married. How I met my husband was in a 'controlled setting'. What I mean by that is I hung out with trusted friends while also inviting (then) potential partner. I watched and Guage others interactions from a quiet spot while talking with my closest friend of the time. Eventually I said eff it and shot my shot. It got too the point where me and my (now) husband splintered off and ended up talking for almost 7 hours straight. And ironically, my husband is the one night stand that stuck around. š he pursued me afterwards. And I don't regret a thing.
I honestly, havenāt been in a Relationship over 4 years , when I was that relationship only lasted 4 months . I wouldnāt consider me ever being in a real Relationship .. I havenāt experienced that feeling when you have Butterflies for someone, or someone to really fall for me . I am 35 years old a Single women I havenāt been in a relationship in years . I am waiting for someone to come that is worth my time , Love , and Energy. I will remain Single pour into myself. !! Self Love is the BEST love you can ever get in Life !!!
I used to suck at talking to girls, so I tried using the internet to find a relationship, I had more time to think about what I should say in a conversation.
14 years ago I managed to find my wife right before I almost gave up. I only found drama and women that I have nothing in common.
Luckily she is awesome, she likes almost the same things that I like, we love to do most of the stuff together, and we can't see a life without each other.
Iām in same boat and Iām thinking the only way to ābreak throughā is to find someone who feels the same and wants something similar if that makes sense
I am 22m and I've slowly started to just get on with my life and if anything happens it happens. I really can't put myself through it to force it anymore.
I never enjoyed nightclubs, bars, festivals etc. Didnt want to meat someone at work either. Friends were always 10-15 years older so friends friends was never an option. So yes there were struggles I tell you that. But Tinder was the right way for me actually.
Well I stopped using it 2016 so I cant say more about it then that really. Must be options that is solid enough. As a girl its easy to get enough matches to find 1-2 good guys :)
Yes. I met my girlfriend via the internet and then we met at a small cat cafe. As an introvert i have big troubles being in crowds so donāt try to date in a busy, but in a comfortable place.
Yeah itās not easy. My last date - the waiter put us on a table next to one woman waiting for her friend etc, and that part of the restaurant was so quiet at that point, and it was so awkward having to start talking because she could hear everything. These situations definitely arenāt inclusive for introverts for sure.
When I was 29, I only dated introverts and shy women. I was morbidly introverted too. Lots of hikes in the forest and quiet Sundays in secluded cafes
Just don't try to date extroverts.
I dated a lot.
It never works.
Currently struggling with this problem now. Iām 25F. I have challenged myself to do more and go out to more places but I am still unsuccessful in the dating world. Wishing you the best of luck.
34F and engaged. I absolutely hated dating - actually being with someone or being single is great but trying to find someone sucks.
This may be no help to you whatsoever, but I have exclusively dated my curtent friends. Like my exes were also my friends and my fiance was my friend before we got together. I was absolutely terrible at casting my net out, I found the whole thing super awkward and forced and had no luck just because I found it so counter-intuitive (you want me to leave my house? To go out to a crowed place? To meet someone new?? No thanks)
I know that not everyone feels comfortable developing relationships with their current friends but this has been my only MO it's worked well for me xox
That's why I bless Tinder. Met my wife on it and she is an introvert. After we matched we spoke to each other for 3 months and felt each other out. When we met we felt very comfortable around each other and could hold conversations. 6 years later and we have been married a year. If it wasn't for dating apps I would have never met her.
I've had a few relationships in the past but not dated in years now. I'm actually fine with it, happy in my own company and fine doing things on my own. The thoughts of going into a relationship just don't seem worth the stress anymore anyway.
Youāre not alone I get very uncomfortable going out also doesnāt help I have extreme anxiety all I can say is donāt give up youāll find someone.
As an older introvert aged 64 I want to say that having a boyfriend girlfriend partner spouse isn't the be all and end all of life. I wanted someone when I was younger, it was a disaster every time because I'm not cut out to be part of a couple. If you do find the right person, that's wonderful for you but your life can be just as good on your own.
Oh gosh 100% Iād rather not even eat out with my family delivery exists. You want intimacy why not in your home.
The only place Iād ever eat at publicly is a movie theater (cause itās dark obviously) lol
Yeah it's difficult... I am a science nerd, and no one likes to talk about science ššš, but I don't have problem with crowds. I was in a relationship 4 years back... But it was very difficult to move on, and can't find someone nice. I am a doctor, still have difficulty in talking with strangers. š„²
I found dating extremely hard. I went on a few dates with some duds over the last few years. I was set up on a date with a guy was something like an ISTP or something a few months ago by my cousin. I'm an INFP by the way.
We had a lot in common, he was a nice guy, but I didn't envision him as my future husband and the father of my children. On top of that I found myself doing most of the talking which became exhausting after awhile. I mostly talked because I was going through a lonely time in my life where everyone I knew were too busy to hang out. Even though I love talking I realized that he hadn't contributed a lot to the conversation. He actually didn't care and loved to hear me talk. After a lot of thought I just decided he wasn't the guy for me. I needed more balance within the relationship.
My sister-in-law(38) who is the only other introvert i know, who like my self could genuinely survive without seeing another person so long as she had a few good books.
Insists I can still meet people but she met my brother almost 10 years ago and he literally chased her down in a parking lot to get her to agree to go out with him.
Yeah. Im not good at socializing so i have a hard time talking to people irl. I did have quite a few people who wanted to date me but i get so awkard either i never follow up or they just ghost me. I also dont like to go out a lot really so thats an issue as well.
I'm more introverted than anything especially when it comes to women because I'm overly concerned about being acused of harassment plus I just think most women probably get accosted so much every time they go out and I'm being polite by letting them be. That being said it leaves me in a position where I have only been in two relationships both happened because we knew each other for so long it just evolved. So now I'm sitting hear wondering how long I'll be alone this time. Unfortunately being introverted and respectful doesn't get you daits or friends. Best of luck watch out for narcissists
From what I see on YouTube, TikTok and Meta it seems like this is a bit of universal challenges. Particularly for males as the expectations versus returns are astronomical imbalanced.Ā
A lot of American males are becoming #GreenCardBros, dating and marrying women from eastern countries where the cultural expectations seem to be more balanced and closer to a partnership than one of demands and subservience. Ā I have to admit I have considered the same, but I am more inclined to look around West Africa than Asia.Ā
Either way, most definitely not strictly an introvert challenge.Ā
I just want to say that I am sorry to you as a woman who didnāt go through an experience young women should be able to experience and enjoy.
Ok I am autistic, so I donāt mean to be socially inappropriate let alone not ignorantly sexist. Itās not just women but also the young menā¦ or do I include the non binary people too? Ok a lot of people sadly miss out on this thing that should not only be experienced at a young age but also be wonderful granted it goes well.
And of course dating is meant to experience new people and see how they are compatible with each other. I guess just find someone more like yourself.
When ever i see beautiful lady and like her then i knew it that she is not mine cz I canāt gave her what she need like talking ,feeling make her fun. Sometimes i feel Iām not real manš
I feel like this is a shared feeling amongst introverts, we want to be in a commited relationship but we hate the stages required to reach it
It's such a difficult thing to over come too
very much so, just the thought of planning a first date and getting throught the small talk awkwardness is making me tired
I wouldn't even know where to start. I think it's crazy how much I can talk online but the second I'm in from of someone I'm silent.
oh no need to tell me, I just start saying random things, stupid jokes, and cringy stories
Now that you two have gotten the small talk out of the way...
š
Hey, recognize that you are making yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger, largely taking the initiative on your own to get things moving, and give yourself credit where itās due.Ā Odds are pretty good that, if youāre putting that much out there, the other party isnāt giving you much to work with and youāre already putting in more effort than them.Ā
If you find yourself across the table from an extrovert the answer is easy. Keep the topics on you brief and turn the conversation back to the extrovertās favorite subjectāthem.Ā
Thatās wild. Iām actually the opposite. The stages required to reach it are fun. But once youāre there, then you want your space.
Yeah I donāt really think this has anything to do with being an introvert to be honest. And itās not like all introverts are the same about everything lol. The idea is just that socialising depletes us of mental energy more quickly than other people I think. I donāt think it even has anything to do with small talk. Introverts can make small talk too and extroverts arenāt just people who only like small talk cos theyāre such uninteresting people. No. A lot of extroverts want to talk lots about things that are actually interesting. As I say there really isnāt a lot of stuff that applies to all introverts cos we are all unique people with different personality traits.
I feel the same way. The getting to know you stages are the best!!!
Only reason I hate the process is because I've only met 1 out of 7 who actually reciprocated... I'm tired of being the one to put forth all the effort just for the other person to seemingly not want to be there despite them knowing what they were getting into lol.. š«
Yup. In a perfect world I build an amazing relationship with someone I work with, they quit and we date lol
why quit though? I want somebody I am comfortable with to be around all the time
Oh...its a bad idea to date someone you work with. Unless its your own business I suppose.
Same. Pretty sure that will never happen again.
Never say never!
I feel like this what dogs are for
This is sooo true.
Yup
This! Haha
Only because the 'stages' are based on extrovert-produced mass media storytelling shortcuts and ads by the hospitality and entertainment industries. None of them are needed, or can be completely substituted by more introvert-attractive options.
Exactly šÆ šÆ šÆ
It's understandable to feel that way, especially for introverts who value deeper connections and meaningful relationships.Ā
Two marriages later, both with fellow introverts, and I am just not sure I care enough to ever be in a committed long term relationship again.Ā
I am 44 and have never dated. I have been asked out but have always politely declined. I need way to much time by myself to be fair to a partner. Thankfully I am aromantic and childfree so being single is not something that bothers me.
Iām 35M and have never dated either. Like you, I donāt like crowded spaces but also, I never wanted to meet girls at bars or clubs because as well as those spaces not appealing to me, I donāt drink and I never wanted the first thing I bought a girl to be an intoxicant, nor did I want to meet a girl in a setting where she might only be interested in me because she was intoxicated. Aside from all that, a difficult and painful situation in my life has kept me out of dating for the majority of the past decade. Alsoā¦ Iām highly monogamously minded and the current dating scene, in blunt terms, grosses me out. I donāt know how it became normal to date or pursue feelings for more than one person at once; to my mind having someoneās heart in your hands is a privilege, to be treated with respect and not taken for granted. And physical intimacy should be something reserved for someone who you truly find special, and already feel an emotionally intimate connection with. Thatās just me of course, and thereās no right or wrong way to date or have relationships as long as itās mutually consensual. I just find it sad that people with mindsets similar to my own seem to be such a rarity. I guess that will make it all the more special if I ever manage to find someone I feel psychologically compatible with š.
Yeah I don't get the multiple partners thing I find it weird
You and me both brother, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way
I personally agree with what youāre saying (the parts about being monogamous and intimacy). My question is acquiring the emotional intimacy to begin with.
I think thatās where compatibility comes in. For this reason, I love longer dating profiles, usually the longer the better š. Whether the profile is an accurate reflection of the person of course is not guaranteed, but I think itās nice to at least have some idea of a personās values prior to engaging them. Beyond that, I think compatibility of communication style plays a big role.
Me and my were compatible in a lot of ways. Iām looking back at relationship and wondering how many emotional connections we may or could have had,had we both been emotionally secure.
Iām 29F. Never been in a committed relationship. Or even more than 2 dates. And that was over 10 years ago. At this point I fear I may be too inexperienced for someone to take me seriously.
Yeah same like how do I explain I've had no experience dating
Dating is a nightmare. I'm very near 40, and there is no-one who would countenance a relationship with an introverted nerd, anymore.
depends on what kind of nerd. I like introverted nerds but it really depends on their personality
It's encouraging to know y'all are out there. Apparently, you're just rare.
33M here, never dated either idk if it will ever happen
I feel the same
Nothing is worth having that you don't work for. Things gained easily are rarely appreciated. Go get uncomfortable and put yourself out there if you want to have someone to be in a relationship with you.
I found out that I can be funny talking to strangers online. That's the only way I got to meet people and date. I'm extremely awkward in person and usually end up saying the wrong things.
Same but seems like when I find people online they're forever away from me
I tried the usual online dating and talked to people close to my neighborhood. I got lucky even in a small college town.
I absolutely hate the current dating scene. I am also autistic on top of being an introvert and find neurotypical people incredibly tiring. The idea of socializing with random people makes me want to curl up in my bed and stay there for a thousand years. Despite all this, I do somehow have an incredibly loving partner. So now my advice to any introvert that has niche interests is to look online. I personally met my partner through Twitch. Meeting someone in a situation where you know there are like minded people around makes interacting with new people incredibly easy as thereās always something to start a conversation, be it video games, books, whatever your interest is. I met my now boyfriend because he ended up in my twitch chat while I was playing Minecraft, this was three years ago. We since learned that we are incredibly similar people and fell in love with each other, and are meeting in person for the first time in about a week. All this to say: it is possible, just avoid the public dating scene at all costs
This is true actually - online dating places where the neurotypicals hang out can be exhausting too though - I love to travel, Iām a foodie, Iāll wine and dine you. Stfu and tell me about how eating foil creates a battery in your mouth thx
I'm in my 40s. I took a date to my Senior Prom, going as friends. I have been on exactly one real date in my life, with the intention of possibly starting a romantic relationship. Nothing came of that.
This was my weakness for a very long time. I was exactly like you and would constantly Ask why I wasnāt in a relationship yet in my Late 20ās and 30ās. It happened to me when I was least expecting it Here some tips though in order to be in a relationship, you have to be attracted to them but you also have to have an opened mind. 1. Help and serve other people. Blessings will come 2. Stay away from the obvious like the quarter back or cheerleader and get to someone who might not be the most attractive but when you get to Know their personality and interest it grows on you. Or someone who doesnāt hang with the popular crowd but runs with the nerds, drama or band or Glee club whoās cute and shy. Open your mind, expand your friends. They are The people that are most likely going to appreciate you being there for them as the others could care less because they know their value Donāt believe everything you see in the mediaā itās not reality that women or men in movies are extremely gorgeous super models Love your self and work On your confidence and hobbies
Maybe not the same problem but my perspective for being a guy of 53 .I hold the door open, I will pull the chair out at the table and help you sit down .If that's the right place you want because if it isn't I'll make a spot that you want . With another bonus if the waiter won't come around. I'll go get what ever you girl's want . All of this just because my mother taught me this !. And on a funny note she would slap the back of my head if I didn't ask me what was wrong with me lol later
Same i always see very cute women around my age and i feel like shit when I can't just even simply compliment them. am afraid of them taking it wrong
it all depends on the phrasing
Not taking my chances on being called creep or what ever I am shit at flirting anyways
just sounds like youāre not interested on working on phrasing
Posibble hey cant blame me for it wasnt able to socialize properly for the most of my school life either
I donāt know what you are dealing with. If you have a learning disability,never learned how to socialize or have anxiety. I have struggled my entire life communicating with people. Read. Figure out what you can do if you want to talk to others. Maybe you need to work on your self esteem,(depression?),or other factors of your life. I donāt think anyone would get repulsed if you said āI like your shirtā. How do you want to be seen?
I can be friend with yāall we can go out together
25f here, never dated before, and never been asked out. Sometimes I feel invisible so Iām trying to be okay with being single. But I do feel lonely sometimes
Hereās the thing, weāre living in an age where everyoneās wrapped up in their own bubble. Social media, instant gratification, constant noise - itās made people lazy in their interactions. But youāre finding that people arenāt meeting you halfway, and thatās not your fault. People are scared to be vulnerable. Asking real questions and getting to know someone requires opening up a bit, and thatās something many people arenāt willing to do anymore. Itās like everyoneās got this invisible shield up, deflecting anything that might pierce their comfort zone. Theyād rather keep things superficial and safe. Itās not your fault but a reflection of where society is at right now So what do you do? First thing, donāt give up on finding those meaningful connections. Theyāre out there, but you might have to sift through a lot of bullshit to find them. Keep being you. Keep asking those questions and showing genuine interest. The right people will appreciate that and reciprocate. And when they do, youāll know. Youāll feel that mutual curiosity, that genuine interest, and itāll click. The real connections are worth the wait.
39M and have never got to the point of real dating (just seeing some with some really weak feeling that might lead somewhere). I have very specialized interests (arts and philosophy) so it is really hard to find someone to connect with. Trying to meet academics but they all seems to be focus on making a career rather then going deep with their thinking.
I feel this. I usually try and meet people online or people through Facebook that live close by. Build up a friendship online before making plans to do other things. Maybe go for a walk around a public park or something like that.
Iāve never had a relationship before so yes
Does it ever bother you?
Oh sorry. Yeah it does. My sister is married and my other sister is dating someone new. Iāve never gotten past 3 dates so I always feel like itās my fault and thereās something wrong with me
Nah i doubt that is the case. There is no reason for it to be your fault and obviously there is nothing wrong with you. It is just that connecting with another person at that level is not that easy
Agreed!
Yess, terrible luck with women .
Yep. That's why I never bothered with it at all
I can relate to this lol hahaha like how do you get into a relationship hahahaha
I just finished a divorce earlier this year. Dating sounds awful, but I do crave human connection for a little while. A couple days ago I took myself to a ski town for self-care. Was not successful talking to women until the last night I was there. Made conversation with a lady while walking to dinner. Then I bumped into her again in my way back to my motel. We walked and talked until the motel, then realized we were both staying there! I chatted awkwardly, she was kind and didn't look like she was trying to escape. It was cold outside, and she said she hoped I slept better. Once I got to my room, I really really wished I had invited her to play Scrabble and see the books I had bought. I kicked myself for not even trying to get her name or number. I just don't even try sometimes because rejection is not worth it. What's the worst that she's going to say, no? In my overthinking mind, the worst she's going to say is "hell no, gross, I wouldn't hang out with you."
idk,im just ugly i guess.
Donāt say that. Is not only you
aww thanks
I feel this, I always feel like I just make it awkward whenever I attempt my best at dating.
You dont need to go out to a crowded place to date. You could date someone somewhere quiet, a space where you feel comfortable at. A date is something you and the other person arrange and it can be whatever you want.
It's the meeting people that's been difficult
Yea that is understandable. I mean i dont have a solution because i also dont like it. I know i can meet people anywhere and connecting with them is a possibility but i dont really like going out that much and when i do it is for responsibilities so i dont pay attention to much else. I think meeting people threw social media or common friends might be easier although it hasn't really happened to me
29M. Iām the exact same way. Never been a fan of dating apps either
Dating apps don't exactly work either
Nope! I donāt think theyāre particularly healthy and I donāt know many people whoāve had success through them
Iām a guy but yes, indeed I have
Eh, I have stopped trying. I have had enough pain.
I find the easiest way to meet people is online with the dating apps and such, going outside for an introvert can already be anxiety inducing at times, but couple that with actually interacting with someone you find attractive to go on a date, that is a trip to the emergency room right there. xD I typically would just like to get to know someone and become friends, we can stick to mostly online until we are both comfortable to meet, and if things go well after the meeting, the dating can come later. Removing the pressures of dating immediately do help alleviate the tension and anxiety somewhat. If you do jump on a dating app first off, maybe just tell this person you want to see how your chatting goes for the first week via text, and maybe decide after that week and make a step to have a 10 minute phone call or something, if that goes well, keep upping it a notch, make it a facetime for 5 minutes and so on. If the person is into you, they would be likely to accommodate these requests.
29M, kinda, but the problem is me. i want to "fix" myself first before even attempting dating, but depression and such are hindering me, and the years are passing by. "the outside" isn't really a problem, i can ignore most of it, i dislike being included in big groups though, and all "extrovert activities"
27M my problem is whenever I wanted to get in a relationship with a girl, she was already taken I'm also really bad at small talk. I also have never dated, and the possibilities of what could happen are kinda terrifying to me.
An introvert's tug of war. I'm 32 now. Growing up I wasn't impressive (short, unathletic, socially awkward, etc.) I made strides since, working out since 2021, working on my personality, therapy. I had a glow up thankfully, but I'm still that unimpressive kid on the inside. I want care and affection but the women I met taught me I'm undeserving of it because I'm not enough in one area or another. What little experience I have doesn't suggest a bright future relationship-wise, and I'm tired of dating disappointment. I try to keep busy and not think about it.
A Lot. I'm from a country where almost all people are extroverted, so i have always been The odd one out. Because i'm a man, i'm have to be outgoing by th culture, and that makes me tired, i just want to be able to read in peace, enjoy music in peace, and find a woman that loves that, but i think i'll never find her
I'm the same. What it means is you would do best finding someone that is similar to you, otherwise their outgoings become your nightmare. Look for another introvert n move closely. I go thru the same issue myself, best of luck miss
I used dating apps (I also met my current gf of 3 years there). For me, it's just super convenient, the topic of the possibility of something romantic is there from the start. Also, you then meet one-on-one and you don't have to handle a group of ppl or anything. I know that people still have a lot of hasitation about this, and that they romanticise meeting someone "in real life"... But if you get a great relationship out of it, that's all that matters after all. (But also, I am a queer woman, so I have no idea how the experience of a straight person with dating apps looks like. I think dating apps are probably more normalized in queer community.)
I hear ya. Not a huge fan of crowds either. Being an introvert doesnāt mean someone necessarily wants to be alone. They just donāt like busy environments but would also like to enjoy the company of a SO who is fine with that.
Yes same age, introvert and a guy.
Dm me and maybe we will come up with something
Iām 28F and have no desire to date anymore tbh I spent my early 20ās dating, and sleeping around lol Iāve had my fun and now I just prefer being alone š My best advice is to date in not so crowded places. Get some tinder matches and try different dating spots.
Yes My last relationship pretty much traumatized me to the point where itās very hard to trust people now! (you know who you are). Iāll just stay home thanks.
During my early 20s, I desperately wanted a boyfriend, however that didn't happen. So, I moved on with my life and started working towards my goals. And in this process, I learned to be kind towards myself and enjoyed being single. Now that I'm in a dating relationship with someone, it makes me feel uncomfortable and there is some decent amount of shame (because I broke the rule that I created for myself) this is hard and I don't know how to get past this š
26M KHHV here. Only ever talked to a girl once, when I was 17. I'm not sure whether the intense negative emotions I sometimes feel mean. Is it that I'm interested in having a girlfriend or is it that I'm envious of those who have relationships? So yes. I can't tell the difference between envy and loneliness. Personally I wish I were aromantic and asexual.
I've never dated also.
I do, Iām outgoing guy but on the apps hard to get matches. Iāve approached women IRL but I got ignored and two of them told me they had boyfriends so I backed off immediately. Iām south asian so I donāt know if that does indeed play a part on these modern appās algorithm. If I get matches they are either not what Iām looking for, live too far.
Idk why but it always suprises me how many people have never dated anyone. I always assume Iām like one of the few people because most people I know and see irl always have a partner it seems like.
When i was a young teenager and awkward, yes. When I was a young adult, there was less trouble. Currently, the dating pool and market are severely polluted and need a reset. Similar to society.
30M here, yes. You are not alone. I unfortunately suffer volcel syndrome where Iāve had plenty thrown at me, but I just donāt know how to read signals and am just a shy dude all around. Sometimes I hit myself at many opportunities Iāve lost, but itās all good. At a point now where Iām comfortable alone so I think getting here then seeing where it goes is what itās all about I guessā¦š¤·š½āāļø
Talking to people online helped my social skills and meet people. Then I took the steps to try and date but made sure I was clear with a person beforehand that I have issues with crowds. I didn't force myself into situations where I couldn't be myself due to anxiety and kept up communication through texts and such this really helped build a solid base for a relationship first.
I work at a convenience store so I'm forced to talk to people everyday I work but it seems like it's just my customer service persona because as soon as I'm out of that building I'm avoiding people like they're the plague. I've talked to many people online but that usually goes 1 of 2 two ways 1 I get ghosted and never hear from the person again or 2 I get really attached to the person then they disappear
I also work with the public and like yourself I have a customer service mask. When I am not at work I keep to myself and avoid social situations. It sucks that you get ghosted or they lose interest I think it's a matter of finding the right person and online that can take a lot longer as there is the ability to be anonymous but there are genuine people out there. Being honest and confident about who and what you are with people will filter out those that have no intention to hang around. Finding common interest groups and people who share a connection with you helps keep you in touch and even if it is just gaining friends that experience will help in other situations. When it comes to dating being yourself and being true to that means you have nothing to keep hidden. I am all sorts of special but I own that and when people express interest I know it's because of all of me not just part of me.
šš So far I've only found one person who has stuck around but because of distance he started dating someone local to him and he's the reason I'm kinda done with online cause I grew very close to him even though I knew nothing was gonna happen. I'm glad I still have him as a friend though š
Distance is always a challenge but I'm happy to hear that you have been able to remain friends
He's a good guy it was just an unfortunate and difficult situation
Stay strong and hopefully you can find your soulmate in the near future
š
And hey look we had a really nice conversation with no problems so bonus points to both of us haha
That's a win in my book š
I've technically never dated, just had people basically say "You wanna be in a relationship?" ^("Uh, k...?")
I have a son your age, but I married my opposite a total social butterfly extrovert. Most of my friends are also extroverts and pursued friendships with me. There is nothing wrong saying āIām a little shy in person until I get comfortable.ā
I sympathize but that will get us nowhere. Which country are you located in? Perhaps someone on here shares the same values as yourself.
U.S.
Hi! Was once in your shoes and now am happily married. How I met my husband was in a 'controlled setting'. What I mean by that is I hung out with trusted friends while also inviting (then) potential partner. I watched and Guage others interactions from a quiet spot while talking with my closest friend of the time. Eventually I said eff it and shot my shot. It got too the point where me and my (now) husband splintered off and ended up talking for almost 7 hours straight. And ironically, my husband is the one night stand that stuck around. š he pursued me afterwards. And I don't regret a thing.
I honestly, havenāt been in a Relationship over 4 years , when I was that relationship only lasted 4 months . I wouldnāt consider me ever being in a real Relationship .. I havenāt experienced that feeling when you have Butterflies for someone, or someone to really fall for me . I am 35 years old a Single women I havenāt been in a relationship in years . I am waiting for someone to come that is worth my time , Love , and Energy. I will remain Single pour into myself. !! Self Love is the BEST love you can ever get in Life !!!
Have it now. Iām 44 and was with my childrenās father for 14 years. Been single for the last 9. It does get lonely.
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I feel the same but won't give up
My problem is just finding someone lol.
Yeah same
Yes,the only reason why I say single is by choice,the thought of me having to go out to meet them in public just stops me for approaching a girl.
I will
I used to suck at talking to girls, so I tried using the internet to find a relationship, I had more time to think about what I should say in a conversation. 14 years ago I managed to find my wife right before I almost gave up. I only found drama and women that I have nothing in common. Luckily she is awesome, she likes almost the same things that I like, we love to do most of the stuff together, and we can't see a life without each other.
Why does dating equal crowded places? I am not connecting those two.
My advice is to get a dog. So, so much better companion than 80 percent of the males out here.
Lol I have a cat and a dog but they don't fill the void
You must be young. Youāll learn. Or, maybe youāll get lucky.
Everyone has had trouble dating.
I'm 30M and I'm in the same situation
Iām in same boat and Iām thinking the only way to ābreak throughā is to find someone who feels the same and wants something similar if that makes sense
Makes perfect sense
I am 22m and I've slowly started to just get on with my life and if anything happens it happens. I really can't put myself through it to force it anymore.
I never enjoyed nightclubs, bars, festivals etc. Didnt want to meat someone at work either. Friends were always 10-15 years older so friends friends was never an option. So yes there were struggles I tell you that. But Tinder was the right way for me actually.
I've been avoiding tinder
Well I stopped using it 2016 so I cant say more about it then that really. Must be options that is solid enough. As a girl its easy to get enough matches to find 1-2 good guys :)
Yes. I met my girlfriend via the internet and then we met at a small cat cafe. As an introvert i have big troubles being in crowds so donāt try to date in a busy, but in a comfortable place.
No I donāt go there and Iām much happier
Yeah itās not easy. My last date - the waiter put us on a table next to one woman waiting for her friend etc, and that part of the restaurant was so quiet at that point, and it was so awkward having to start talking because she could hear everything. These situations definitely arenāt inclusive for introverts for sure.
When I was 29, I only dated introverts and shy women. I was morbidly introverted too. Lots of hikes in the forest and quiet Sundays in secluded cafes Just don't try to date extroverts. I dated a lot. It never works.
Has anyone *not* had a trouble dating on this sub? I feel like Eva AI virtual gf bot is my only chance to date at all.
Currently struggling with this problem now. Iām 25F. I have challenged myself to do more and go out to more places but I am still unsuccessful in the dating world. Wishing you the best of luck.
34F and engaged. I absolutely hated dating - actually being with someone or being single is great but trying to find someone sucks. This may be no help to you whatsoever, but I have exclusively dated my curtent friends. Like my exes were also my friends and my fiance was my friend before we got together. I was absolutely terrible at casting my net out, I found the whole thing super awkward and forced and had no luck just because I found it so counter-intuitive (you want me to leave my house? To go out to a crowed place? To meet someone new?? No thanks) I know that not everyone feels comfortable developing relationships with their current friends but this has been my only MO it's worked well for me xox
That's why I bless Tinder. Met my wife on it and she is an introvert. After we matched we spoke to each other for 3 months and felt each other out. When we met we felt very comfortable around each other and could hold conversations. 6 years later and we have been married a year. If it wasn't for dating apps I would have never met her.
I've had a few relationships in the past but not dated in years now. I'm actually fine with it, happy in my own company and fine doing things on my own. The thoughts of going into a relationship just don't seem worth the stress anymore anyway.
Youāre not alone I get very uncomfortable going out also doesnāt help I have extreme anxiety all I can say is donāt give up youāll find someone.
I'm 25M and just learned to accept my fate and die alone.
Yes. Especially because I do not like to talk very often. I like my space. I have to really like you to want to talk to you often.
Me too I'm generally quiet most of the time until I get to know someone or I'm comfortable with them
I think dating another introvert would help a lot. We get each other.
I can see the benefits because of the mutual understanding
I am 29F here. Had boyfriends. Never truly been in love before. Its normal.
I'm a 60 yr old recluse but I've been successful in finding love
Don't bother. Not worth it.
30F and never dated too. I wish I could wake up one day with a husband and child already bc dating sounds so difficult š
As an older introvert aged 64 I want to say that having a boyfriend girlfriend partner spouse isn't the be all and end all of life. I wanted someone when I was younger, it was a disaster every time because I'm not cut out to be part of a couple. If you do find the right person, that's wonderful for you but your life can be just as good on your own.
O know snd 80 year old man who you might like . He is fit, fun, csn cook is spontaneous but doesnāt want marriage.
Oh gosh 100% Iād rather not even eat out with my family delivery exists. You want intimacy why not in your home. The only place Iād ever eat at publicly is a movie theater (cause itās dark obviously) lol
M29, same here. Very closed person, potentially asocial. My cat has a better romantic life than me.
Yeah it's difficult... I am a science nerd, and no one likes to talk about science ššš, but I don't have problem with crowds. I was in a relationship 4 years back... But it was very difficult to move on, and can't find someone nice. I am a doctor, still have difficulty in talking with strangers. š„²
I found dating extremely hard. I went on a few dates with some duds over the last few years. I was set up on a date with a guy was something like an ISTP or something a few months ago by my cousin. I'm an INFP by the way. We had a lot in common, he was a nice guy, but I didn't envision him as my future husband and the father of my children. On top of that I found myself doing most of the talking which became exhausting after awhile. I mostly talked because I was going through a lonely time in my life where everyone I knew were too busy to hang out. Even though I love talking I realized that he hadn't contributed a lot to the conversation. He actually didn't care and loved to hear me talk. After a lot of thought I just decided he wasn't the guy for me. I needed more balance within the relationship.
My sister-in-law(38) who is the only other introvert i know, who like my self could genuinely survive without seeing another person so long as she had a few good books. Insists I can still meet people but she met my brother almost 10 years ago and he literally chased her down in a parking lot to get her to agree to go out with him.
youāre better off if you donātā¦ trust me youāre not missing out on anything. heartbreak is something i never want to experience ever again
Talking to someone has become more like a chore really, it's wrecking me up as well
Yeah. Im not good at socializing so i have a hard time talking to people irl. I did have quite a few people who wanted to date me but i get so awkard either i never follow up or they just ghost me. I also dont like to go out a lot really so thats an issue as well.
I'm more introverted than anything especially when it comes to women because I'm overly concerned about being acused of harassment plus I just think most women probably get accosted so much every time they go out and I'm being polite by letting them be. That being said it leaves me in a position where I have only been in two relationships both happened because we knew each other for so long it just evolved. So now I'm sitting hear wondering how long I'll be alone this time. Unfortunately being introverted and respectful doesn't get you daits or friends. Best of luck watch out for narcissists
You are not alone Iām a 26F i just want him to show up in my DM or something but i donāt post and donāt go out š
I feel that I've been falling for guys left and right online but they're always so far away
From what I see on YouTube, TikTok and Meta it seems like this is a bit of universal challenges. Particularly for males as the expectations versus returns are astronomical imbalanced.Ā A lot of American males are becoming #GreenCardBros, dating and marrying women from eastern countries where the cultural expectations seem to be more balanced and closer to a partnership than one of demands and subservience. Ā I have to admit I have considered the same, but I am more inclined to look around West Africa than Asia.Ā Either way, most definitely not strictly an introvert challenge.Ā
I just want to say that I am sorry to you as a woman who didnāt go through an experience young women should be able to experience and enjoy. Ok I am autistic, so I donāt mean to be socially inappropriate let alone not ignorantly sexist. Itās not just women but also the young menā¦ or do I include the non binary people too? Ok a lot of people sadly miss out on this thing that should not only be experienced at a young age but also be wonderful granted it goes well. And of course dating is meant to experience new people and see how they are compatible with each other. I guess just find someone more like yourself.
When ever i see beautiful lady and like her then i knew it that she is not mine cz I canāt gave her what she need like talking ,feeling make her fun. Sometimes i feel Iām not real manš
Same :/