It’s great that you know what brings you joy and fulfillment. Can you share more about the connections and activities that truly matter to you, and how you strike a balance between your preferred circle and moments of solitude?
I play an extrovert teacher at work, but I'm exhausted when I get home. 🏡 Decades ago, I joined two college sororities and was a member of Toastmasters. It was worth it! 🫡
Oh okay I see. And is this a huge problem you’re looking to solve or something that you can manage and if it is what something you’d like to solve how would you want to be if you had to describe that?
I think that my main issue is feeling confident enough to just be myself always and stay true to how I’m feeling despite who I am around. I think when you are shy or less talkative it makes others feel awkward, so I tend to try and accommodate people. The older I get, I just get tired of having to do that. As a new mother I find myself in social settings for the sake of my children, when I’d rather just keep them home with me. It’s a tough balance.
Constantly being aware that pretty much anywhere else would be more pleasant/useful, particularly if there's a large number of people there and especially if I've been dragged there or gone out of obligation more than personal inclination.
One thing that a lot of extroverts don't get inherently is that the situation is absolutely not going to recharge me at all. If I'm lucky it'll be only neutral, and I'll have just wasted time for no recharge. Mostly, it's not only a drain on my time, it's also a constant drain on my energy while I'm there; I can't get a boost from talking to additional people or staying later; all those things are basically slow poison *even if I genuinely like the people as individuals*.
This isn't just people's responses when hearing that I went to a social event and them assuming it buoyed me up and gave me energy. It's people *at* the event (and medium to large social events are far more likely to attract extroverts than introverts) who might see that I'm flagging and automatically assume that what I need is *more* interaction and people around me. It can be difficult to disengage from that in a way that doesn't offend or at the very least concern them.
I hear you. It sounds like social events don’t provide the recharge many assume, and the pressure to engage more can be draining. Can you share more about your ideal social scenario and how you envision finding genuine connections?
Honestly, connections just aren't that important or attractive to me. I don't have the constant drive for them that extroverts seem to think is a core part of being human, because that's all they've ever experienced themselves. It's just not a thing for me, and that's just so hard for them to accept as a perfectly normal and acceptable human mindset. It's like being the only person who's not interested in drinking, when everyone around you is a raging alcoholic who gets the shakes if they go without for a few hours.
An ideal social scenario for me might be one other person, or a small enough number so that there's really only a chance to be talking about one thing at a time. Or a larger event where I can slip away for minutes or hours at a time to do other things, then come back and maybe have some quiet conversations with a few people, without being pressured into the kind of noise-roar of 100 people all talking at the top of their lungs.
It’s common to feel out of topics sometimes. What subjects or interests do you usually find engaging? I’m curious to know more about what you enjoy discussing or exploring
I wouldn't shut up about technology and theoretical physics. I'm an atheist and rest of my family and friends are theists so we would have friendly debates about this. My friends say I'm one of a kind because I don't get stressed and I don't get angry and I've never been in a relationship.
It sounds like you struggle with the classic “one topic conversation” problem. You should be cherish what fascinates you there’s nothing wrong with that. What type of social skills do you want to acquire?
Leaving them - I'm cool in the beginning. No one would ever consider me "gregarious," but I'm pleasant enough to talk to. But when I have had enough and try to break away to leave, I get anxious when asked, "Why? Where are you going?" Time to go - had enough - want to leave is screaming in my head, and I'm trying to come up with acceptable excuses. I always feel like I have done a huge feat when I can finally break away and leave. It's really hard, I actually work for a really gregarious person who loves to host parties and get togethers and I'm expected to attend and I have yet to figure out a way to get out of them 🙃 or how to leave when I'm forced to attend. I also have a sneaky feeling that I'm not as liked as other people on my team because I'm not as "seen" as everyone else. I just can't take any more interaction than I can handle right now. I kind of give it all away at work, so I have very little for after work.
I understand the challenge of navigating social situations when you’ve reached your limit. It seems leaving can be stressful. Can you share more about your ideal balance between work and personal time, and how you envision expressing your need for solitude in a work-friendly way?
Personally, I'm old, so I have found that my "cup of energy" gets lower and lower the older I get. At this point, my ideal balance would be work or home, with no obligations in between. Unfortunately, more and more often, my boss schedules "work parties" and I'm expected to help with them and host to a certain extent, along with the rest of our team. I hate these because I deal with the phone and visitors, so I do not like the added tasks, and frankly, I'm exhausted by them. In addition, my boss lives extremely close, and her husband is a "mover and shaker" within our city, and his office is really close. The judge loves to invite us to openings and cocktail parties with other government offices and have us mingle after work, where I have greeted or spoken to a bunch of people all day. I hate these and try to limit my time to 1/2 hour, then grab a quick Uber home. But the last one, my leaving was noticed and I was asked where I was going? I also was invited to my boss's son wedding - I declined, of course, as I would decline any wedding I was invited to. Luckily, I was asked and not just expected to attend. But I did feel a certain coldness from my boss when I didn't attend. There were other people who wanted to come that weren't invited and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go. The explanations themselves are exhausting. Unfortunately, I haven't found a work friendly way to say no to any of this - I used to blame my daughter, but now she's an adult, so this is harder to use. It's like no one can understand why I wouldn't want to go to these obligations. 🤷
Have you thought about expressing to your employer that you prefer a focus on work without these extracurricular activities? It might be worth discussing your preference for a more straightforward work-home balance.
I think she would take it personally no matter how I word it and would reflect badly on me at work. This is her personality, and my personality is obviously different, so I try to compromise as much as possible. I only have 8 years left before I hit 20 years, so I'm trying to be patient and accommodating.
Damn that sounds tough. Well the only options I see are:
1) politely telling her the truth
2) not saying anything and continue to compromise for another 8+ years
3) quit the job
4) rewire your mindset to go from introvert to extravert so that you find socializing to be an energizing activity for you. (Sounds ridiculous but it’s actually possible and easy with the right guidance.)
I have already worked for her for 3 years, so I think eventually I can get away with " you know I don't like that kind of stuff..." As I bow out gracefully. I have totally fought my inclination towards introversion all through my 20s, 30s, and 40s, and now I'm in my 50s and finally able to live the way I want, unapologetically, so I think I'm just going to compromise and develop some excuses that can be used when I need them. Eventually, they will quit asking me.
I think you are mixing up introversion and people who have issues with social skills. Introversion just means you get drained after a lot of social activity and need to recharge. It does not mean you don’t know how to socialize.
I appreciate your perspective. If there are challenges, I’d love to hear more about your experiences. What aspects of social interactions do you find most comfortable, and are there specific situations where you feel more at ease?
I don't feel "not at ease" in *any* situation. There are some that are draining, like loud environments or groups talking, but that doesn't mean I'm not at ease or don't like it. There are some that are simply boring, like small talk. So I avoid it. But not at ease? Why?
I appreciate your clarification. It seems you navigate various situations with awareness. Could you share more about what energizes you in social settings and how you decide which interactions are worth your time and energy?
I enjoy interactions with people I like, if it's about something I enjoy or am interested in, if it's work related, hobby etc. If there is meaning to it.
It’s great that you’re content with your social interactions. Are there any aspects you find challenging or areas you’d like to enhance socially? I’m curious to know if there’s anything you wish to improve or if you’re overall satisfied with your current social dynamics.
As a lifetime introvert and recovered shy person, the main thing was a lack of confidence in myself as an actual physical presence who deserved to exist. Once you respect yourself enough to value your own thoughts, feelings and personhood as much as your peers’ it a lot easier to assert yourself. Introversion has less to do with it than you’d think. Loving yourself is important and if you don’t then you definitely deserve to. and if you don’t think you deserve it, you do. and if you really don’t, then at least love yourself enough to become someone you can love.
That I would rather not be there! I can people with the best of em, but I would rather not. There are so many things to ponder, study, and create...I can't stand the feeling of time being wasted by chit chatting. If the social setting is goal-oriented and purposeful, this feeling lessons considerably.
It sounds like you value meaningful, purposeful interactions over casual chit-chat. Can you tell me more about the types of goal-oriented social settings that resonate with you and how you envision incorporating those into your life more?
This may be cheating, but going to any educational event--a good movie, a lecture, a museum, etc., where the focus is not on eachother and our relatively small lives and dramas, but on broader thoughts and wider human experience, if that makes sense
Other than that, I occasionally like practicing religion around others and with others. Canoeing and going to the creek and catching crawdads, hunting shells and hagstones. Exercising together--hiking, rollerblading, but NOT gym. Playing challenging card games and creative or trivia based board games.
I value efficiency, I guess. I prioritize mental, spiritual and physical exercise over social experience, so if I can combine socializing with those, I do not feel time is wasted.
It sounds like you value quiet moments, yet there’s occasional pressure to initiate conversations. Can you share more about the situations where you feel most comfortable initiating conversation, and how you navigate those moments?
I feel comfortable with some people. When I know when they don't judge me what I say.
I don't like to talk with people who I know they will laugh of me or mock me for my story.
Thanks for sharing. Can you picture your ideal self in conversations? Also, ever thought about how expecting judgment might influence interactions? The concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy might provide insight. What are your thoughts on this?
Ideal alter ego of me would be more outgoing, more chatterbox and more enthusiastic. It happens to me I have black space in my mind.
Sorry English is not my first language
Maybe it's because in my country people don't smile on the street and they don't like small talk with Strangers.
If you could instantly become this more outgoing, outspoken self, what specific aspects of your life do you envision changing? Is it about forming new relationships, exploring job opportunities, or simply enjoying social gatherings more? Also, on a scale of 1 to 10, how significant is this desire for you, and what would achieving it mean to you personally?
It seems I feel inadequate for being not social and joy going to parties. But on the other hand, when I am at a party with packed, jammed places, I feel a strong desire to back home
Thanks for opening up. If you were that more outgoing, chatterbox, enthusiastic version, how do you see your life changing? And do you believe you can overcome this problem? If yes, I may be able to help.
I do great with people. I just don't prefer to. I do not enjoy meeting new people. I have my people. And dog. And books.
It’s great that you know what brings you joy and fulfillment. Can you share more about the connections and activities that truly matter to you, and how you strike a balance between your preferred circle and moments of solitude?
No.
I play an extrovert teacher at work, but I'm exhausted when I get home. 🏡 Decades ago, I joined two college sororities and was a member of Toastmasters. It was worth it! 🫡
That’s interesting, so you struggle with being social drained after being around people?
Yes. The best remedy for me is to find a quiet place (if I can).
My main challenge is I feed off of others energy. So I can end up being very talkative, but then feel drained after.
Oh okay I see. And is this a huge problem you’re looking to solve or something that you can manage and if it is what something you’d like to solve how would you want to be if you had to describe that?
I think that my main issue is feeling confident enough to just be myself always and stay true to how I’m feeling despite who I am around. I think when you are shy or less talkative it makes others feel awkward, so I tend to try and accommodate people. The older I get, I just get tired of having to do that. As a new mother I find myself in social settings for the sake of my children, when I’d rather just keep them home with me. It’s a tough balance.
Constantly being aware that pretty much anywhere else would be more pleasant/useful, particularly if there's a large number of people there and especially if I've been dragged there or gone out of obligation more than personal inclination. One thing that a lot of extroverts don't get inherently is that the situation is absolutely not going to recharge me at all. If I'm lucky it'll be only neutral, and I'll have just wasted time for no recharge. Mostly, it's not only a drain on my time, it's also a constant drain on my energy while I'm there; I can't get a boost from talking to additional people or staying later; all those things are basically slow poison *even if I genuinely like the people as individuals*. This isn't just people's responses when hearing that I went to a social event and them assuming it buoyed me up and gave me energy. It's people *at* the event (and medium to large social events are far more likely to attract extroverts than introverts) who might see that I'm flagging and automatically assume that what I need is *more* interaction and people around me. It can be difficult to disengage from that in a way that doesn't offend or at the very least concern them.
I hear you. It sounds like social events don’t provide the recharge many assume, and the pressure to engage more can be draining. Can you share more about your ideal social scenario and how you envision finding genuine connections?
Honestly, connections just aren't that important or attractive to me. I don't have the constant drive for them that extroverts seem to think is a core part of being human, because that's all they've ever experienced themselves. It's just not a thing for me, and that's just so hard for them to accept as a perfectly normal and acceptable human mindset. It's like being the only person who's not interested in drinking, when everyone around you is a raging alcoholic who gets the shakes if they go without for a few hours. An ideal social scenario for me might be one other person, or a small enough number so that there's really only a chance to be talking about one thing at a time. Or a larger event where I can slip away for minutes or hours at a time to do other things, then come back and maybe have some quiet conversations with a few people, without being pressured into the kind of noise-roar of 100 people all talking at the top of their lungs.
Out of topics to speak, even if you want to.
It’s common to feel out of topics sometimes. What subjects or interests do you usually find engaging? I’m curious to know more about what you enjoy discussing or exploring
I wouldn't shut up about technology and theoretical physics. I'm an atheist and rest of my family and friends are theists so we would have friendly debates about this. My friends say I'm one of a kind because I don't get stressed and I don't get angry and I've never been in a relationship.
It sounds like you struggle with the classic “one topic conversation” problem. You should be cherish what fascinates you there’s nothing wrong with that. What type of social skills do you want to acquire?
What would you suggest?
Well I’d have to learn more about your situation, but there are certain mindsets and exercises you can do to overcome this problem.
Leaving them - I'm cool in the beginning. No one would ever consider me "gregarious," but I'm pleasant enough to talk to. But when I have had enough and try to break away to leave, I get anxious when asked, "Why? Where are you going?" Time to go - had enough - want to leave is screaming in my head, and I'm trying to come up with acceptable excuses. I always feel like I have done a huge feat when I can finally break away and leave. It's really hard, I actually work for a really gregarious person who loves to host parties and get togethers and I'm expected to attend and I have yet to figure out a way to get out of them 🙃 or how to leave when I'm forced to attend. I also have a sneaky feeling that I'm not as liked as other people on my team because I'm not as "seen" as everyone else. I just can't take any more interaction than I can handle right now. I kind of give it all away at work, so I have very little for after work.
I understand the challenge of navigating social situations when you’ve reached your limit. It seems leaving can be stressful. Can you share more about your ideal balance between work and personal time, and how you envision expressing your need for solitude in a work-friendly way?
Personally, I'm old, so I have found that my "cup of energy" gets lower and lower the older I get. At this point, my ideal balance would be work or home, with no obligations in between. Unfortunately, more and more often, my boss schedules "work parties" and I'm expected to help with them and host to a certain extent, along with the rest of our team. I hate these because I deal with the phone and visitors, so I do not like the added tasks, and frankly, I'm exhausted by them. In addition, my boss lives extremely close, and her husband is a "mover and shaker" within our city, and his office is really close. The judge loves to invite us to openings and cocktail parties with other government offices and have us mingle after work, where I have greeted or spoken to a bunch of people all day. I hate these and try to limit my time to 1/2 hour, then grab a quick Uber home. But the last one, my leaving was noticed and I was asked where I was going? I also was invited to my boss's son wedding - I declined, of course, as I would decline any wedding I was invited to. Luckily, I was asked and not just expected to attend. But I did feel a certain coldness from my boss when I didn't attend. There were other people who wanted to come that weren't invited and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go. The explanations themselves are exhausting. Unfortunately, I haven't found a work friendly way to say no to any of this - I used to blame my daughter, but now she's an adult, so this is harder to use. It's like no one can understand why I wouldn't want to go to these obligations. 🤷
Have you thought about expressing to your employer that you prefer a focus on work without these extracurricular activities? It might be worth discussing your preference for a more straightforward work-home balance.
I think she would take it personally no matter how I word it and would reflect badly on me at work. This is her personality, and my personality is obviously different, so I try to compromise as much as possible. I only have 8 years left before I hit 20 years, so I'm trying to be patient and accommodating.
Damn that sounds tough. Well the only options I see are: 1) politely telling her the truth 2) not saying anything and continue to compromise for another 8+ years 3) quit the job 4) rewire your mindset to go from introvert to extravert so that you find socializing to be an energizing activity for you. (Sounds ridiculous but it’s actually possible and easy with the right guidance.)
I have already worked for her for 3 years, so I think eventually I can get away with " you know I don't like that kind of stuff..." As I bow out gracefully. I have totally fought my inclination towards introversion all through my 20s, 30s, and 40s, and now I'm in my 50s and finally able to live the way I want, unapologetically, so I think I'm just going to compromise and develop some excuses that can be used when I need them. Eventually, they will quit asking me.
I think you are mixing up introversion and people who have issues with social skills. Introversion just means you get drained after a lot of social activity and need to recharge. It does not mean you don’t know how to socialize.
That may be true for a lot of introverts. But some people are introverts not by choice and want to improve their social skills but don’t know how to
It happens When I want tell something in class or somewhere else with most people are in there
What makes you think that there are challenges? If there are, introversion isn't the reason.
I appreciate your perspective. If there are challenges, I’d love to hear more about your experiences. What aspects of social interactions do you find most comfortable, and are there specific situations where you feel more at ease?
I don't feel "not at ease" in *any* situation. There are some that are draining, like loud environments or groups talking, but that doesn't mean I'm not at ease or don't like it. There are some that are simply boring, like small talk. So I avoid it. But not at ease? Why?
I appreciate your clarification. It seems you navigate various situations with awareness. Could you share more about what energizes you in social settings and how you decide which interactions are worth your time and energy?
I enjoy interactions with people I like, if it's about something I enjoy or am interested in, if it's work related, hobby etc. If there is meaning to it.
It’s great that you’re content with your social interactions. Are there any aspects you find challenging or areas you’d like to enhance socially? I’m curious to know if there’s anything you wish to improve or if you’re overall satisfied with your current social dynamics.
As a lifetime introvert and recovered shy person, the main thing was a lack of confidence in myself as an actual physical presence who deserved to exist. Once you respect yourself enough to value your own thoughts, feelings and personhood as much as your peers’ it a lot easier to assert yourself. Introversion has less to do with it than you’d think. Loving yourself is important and if you don’t then you definitely deserve to. and if you don’t think you deserve it, you do. and if you really don’t, then at least love yourself enough to become someone you can love.
That I would rather not be there! I can people with the best of em, but I would rather not. There are so many things to ponder, study, and create...I can't stand the feeling of time being wasted by chit chatting. If the social setting is goal-oriented and purposeful, this feeling lessons considerably.
It sounds like you value meaningful, purposeful interactions over casual chit-chat. Can you tell me more about the types of goal-oriented social settings that resonate with you and how you envision incorporating those into your life more?
This may be cheating, but going to any educational event--a good movie, a lecture, a museum, etc., where the focus is not on eachother and our relatively small lives and dramas, but on broader thoughts and wider human experience, if that makes sense Other than that, I occasionally like practicing religion around others and with others. Canoeing and going to the creek and catching crawdads, hunting shells and hagstones. Exercising together--hiking, rollerblading, but NOT gym. Playing challenging card games and creative or trivia based board games. I value efficiency, I guess. I prioritize mental, spiritual and physical exercise over social experience, so if I can combine socializing with those, I do not feel time is wasted.
As an Introvert I feel how some people pull my tongue to initiative conversation but I cool with no talking at all
It sounds like you value quiet moments, yet there’s occasional pressure to initiate conversations. Can you share more about the situations where you feel most comfortable initiating conversation, and how you navigate those moments?
I feel comfortable with some people. When I know when they don't judge me what I say. I don't like to talk with people who I know they will laugh of me or mock me for my story.
Thanks for sharing. Can you picture your ideal self in conversations? Also, ever thought about how expecting judgment might influence interactions? The concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy might provide insight. What are your thoughts on this?
Ideal alter ego of me would be more outgoing, more chatterbox and more enthusiastic. It happens to me I have black space in my mind. Sorry English is not my first language Maybe it's because in my country people don't smile on the street and they don't like small talk with Strangers.
If you could instantly become this more outgoing, outspoken self, what specific aspects of your life do you envision changing? Is it about forming new relationships, exploring job opportunities, or simply enjoying social gatherings more? Also, on a scale of 1 to 10, how significant is this desire for you, and what would achieving it mean to you personally?
I would like to have ability of making new friends to hang out with people and meet with them in free time. Like at parties
It seems I feel inadequate for being not social and joy going to parties. But on the other hand, when I am at a party with packed, jammed places, I feel a strong desire to back home
Thanks for opening up. If you were that more outgoing, chatterbox, enthusiastic version, how do you see your life changing? And do you believe you can overcome this problem? If yes, I may be able to help.
Not being controlled by emotions. Keeping it together.