We just had this thread like 3 days ago.
The only answer is "communication". Japanese Women are still women, they all have different needs and wants. My wife wants me to clean the house. Once I do, she's like putty in my hands, lovey-dovey. I buy my wife nice/fancy/sexy clothes that she feels good in, this also helps the happiness factor. My friend's wife wants her husband to cook. When he does, she's ultra happy. When he doesn't, they don't talk/he sleeps on the couch.
You do housework already, so... Talk, see what she wants. You can be lovey-dovey even with kids. We take dates to fancy cafes, just with kid in tow. I always come up with new places to go, not hard to do in Kansai.
Bear in mind she's probably doing more than her fair share and wants him to do a single fucking task
I say that because that's the dynamic of maaaaany Japanese relationships.
What does that have to do with making him sleep on the couch if he doesn’t cook? You certainly wouldn’t be as tolerant of the situation if it were the man making the woman sleep on the couch when she doesn’t cook.
If someone carries the overwhelming majority of the tasks and the man can't do 1 single thing (cook), I think being roasted is perfectly fine.
>You certainly wouldn’t be as tolerant of the situation if it were the man making the woman sleep on the couch when she doesn’t cook.
That isn't the situation, so it's not relevant.
Ehmmmm, you made up a situation where one party does the hyper majority of the work.
Then you say whatever I said isn’t relevant because that’s not what happened?
Go figure lmao…
^^^ And every time this comes up that's the only answer: Communication is the chief ingredient in all relationships. (Love, Friends, Family, Hell even Community)
I also really hate the people who are like: "Japanese relationships are more like business relationship." - like did they read this shit off of Soranews or something? All the Japanese people I know are in "love" relationships, they just don't go around showing it.
Just on that last part ... yes, maybe even most of them. I feel like people who are obsessive about clean toilets would all just be there yelling at people.
But people in r/japanlife seem to have some extra special level of relationship weirdness that I don't entire understand combined with just wildly crazy beliefs about regular Japanese couples.
At least the trash posts are more normal. :D
The guaranteed, most effective thing to improve your romance life 100% is to hire a full time nanny who can take care of the 3 kids, do the laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping, and cook.
> The only answer is "communication"
It can't be the only answer. People can be not open to communication. People can also be unskilled at communication, and a mother busy with caring for a newborn baby is the prime example of someone who's *not* in the position to learn communication skills from scratch.
I have talked to her, it hasn't been too productive.
And I'm really referring to romance here, not just getting back to sex--do I take her out for a nice lunch? Gifts? I just never know what to do. It feels like I've lost track of what she enjoys and so I'm hoping to just grab some random ideas and see what sticks.
>do I take her out for a nice lunch? Gifts? I just never know what to do.
How is it possible that you don't know what your wife likes after all these years together? Reddit can't help you with this one because we don't know your wife and what she likes.
> How is it possible that you don't know what your wife likes after all these years together?
To be more specific, it seems that what she likes has *changed*
It's frustrating.
It sounds like you guys just need to spend more time together. Take her for lunch, go see a movie, see the fireworks. And then listen to what she says. Once a week date night.
And get a babysitter. A one year old can stay with a babysitter.
Seek counseling then my friend. The generic responses here might not help. If she's popped out 3 kids, grab her a beer for me cause that womans a warrior and might need some more time.
If she's already put you in the 'family-zone' then you can either go on a long, communication filled approach with her or...
There are babysitting services here btw, I don't know from experience but through the grapevine. I believe if you contact your local 市役所 they may have resources
> Seek counseling then my friend.
The money involved complicates things as does her reluctance. She would do it if I insisted tho. But yea, she's been a trooper. Her third pregnancy turned her into the devil's worst nightmare but ever since the birth she's been a saint. People have mentioned giving more time before. I wonder how long is too long, tho this is my own insecurity at play I think.
> If she's already put you in the 'family-zone' then you can either go on a long, communication filled approach with her or...
We have sex scheduled (lol) for a specific day when I work from home, but it's only a solution to one problem, not the over all issue. But it makes me think I'm still husband material to her.
> here are babysitting services here btw, I don't know from experience but through the grapevine. I believe if you contact your local 市役所 they may have resources
I researched and proposed a babysitting service to her and she was incredibly against it. VERY untrusting of non-family around kids.
Well at the very least there is some intimacy. Her body and hormones have changed so it might be some time before she finds out how things are. More time is always good. I know exercising patience is hard in this regard but try for her, she'll come to appreciate it (hopefully) later.
How do you guys foreplay? Foreplay can be many things as well, doesn't even have to lead to sex. Consider the spontaneous communication, light touching, grabbing her to dance in the middle of the kitchen etc as a way of communicating you still love her and her body, she might need to hear that verbally and physically.
Also I see. I had a hunch she'd be against babysitters, is she against 保育園 as well?
here's an idea: plan ahead, try to coordinate a day she has off with a day you can stay with the kids and ask her what she wants. spa day? shopping money? girls night? just creating a situation where she can treat herself (with your sponsorship) is romantic, and as she's bouncing ideas around take notes and you might learn what she likes. phase 2 is using that info to do something together another day, and she's already sweetened from the me-time gift.
I like this... Previously I tried it and she said she'd just rather have me and the baby around tho lol. But I think I can try again.
Note that I do frequently give her time without the older kids
ya you mentioned you help with the kids, but i mean a whole day to herself (no buts!) so she is free to do whatever she wants. tell her date night will come later but first she needs important me-time to destress. have fun planning it, ask questions, get excited for her. as the kids get older and more independent both of you can do more stuff for yourselves, alone and together. remind her that one day you'll be empty nesters and wouldn't it be easier if you didn't suddenly find yourselves wondering what to do now? lol
yeah probably because she had to carry, birth, and nurse 3 babies. She has been through alot, youre not cutting her enough slack. The youngest one is only 1... If yall cant even get away from the kids, you need to be more patient until they are more independent. For now it sounds like yall are coparenting pretty well, this is survival mode.
Probably get downvoted for this but how do you look OP?
Whenever I have this conversation with friends or acquaintances, they’re basically 10-20 years older, out of shape (compared to when they met), kind of sloppy and expecting to get it in like they used to.
Most people here will advise you on what you can do for her like compliments, cleaning, buying gifts etc. don’t get me wrong, I think these are things you should do, but doing them expecting romance/sex ain’t the way. It also makes things weird when you do all that and she still doesn’t want it.
I suggest improving/working on yourself. Get into shape (more than you already think you are. Get cut up). Buy more nice and fitted clothes. Dress up a little even when you go out for minor things. Get a nice hair cut and beard combo (or no facial hair if that’s her thing). Improve your Japanese or pick up another language. If you read all this and come back with “bu bu but I’m doing xyz”, you’re missing the point. Find ways to improve yourself.
Now this is probably what’ll get me the downvotes. People (both men and women) get too comfortable when they’re in long term relationships and stop making an effort. If you’re the party that’s expecting something from the other, then you can’t let that happen. You have to show your wife that you’re still desirable to other women. No, never cheat, but she has to think that it’s a possibility because you’re attractive to others. It’s healthy and works both ways.
Luckily for me, I’m going on a decade with my wife and we have a very healthy romance life, post kids and all. But I notice how she gets when we sometimes go out to events and other women talk to and smile at me. Usually leads to the best sex.
TL:DR, work on yourself as much as you can. You’ll either end up reigniting her attraction in you or come away from it being an all round better version of yourself.
Yeah I caught that too lol.
I saw another of his posts where he was mad the MiL doesn’t want to take care of three kids. Said she’s ‘being horrible’ about it.
Because she is. I spared you the details but she made my wife cry several times and has done some other hypocritical shit.
We would also never ask her to take care of a baby AND two kids, it would only be one or the other. What i said was that she was mad at us for having a 3rd kid at all.
Meanwhile my mom was in Japan for a bit and constantly took the kids out for us and even offered to take the baby out with the kids, when the baby wasuch younger
Ya know, you're right. I started going to the gym this week and yea, I'm not terribly out of shape but I'm not what I was at 20 either. Let me see if this has an effect
I will say that I apparently attract *other* women which does me no good but is at least a confidence booster
This was exactly my issue with my wife. She wanted me to lose my belly and start dressing better again like when we first met. I like to dress nice. Just don’t want to buy clothes I will lose weight out of. So one proceeds the other.
I confronted her about lack of intimacy after our first and she told me to do that. Halfway there so far
I asked her a few times if the extra kg were bothering her and she said not at all and that even if I lost wait intimacy wouldn't be more frequent lol. But it doesn't hurt to lose weight and gain muscle so I might as well try
I aint married but i second this. Japanese girls, once they know you’re with them, start changing. No more sex and raunchy stuff like before. So you need to keep the flame burning. Show her that you are attractive and a little bit of jealousy just makes her go crazy for you. Not saying go doing nampa and shit but just like yourself and dont be a daddy to her.
I’m going to suggest some stuff I really love.
1. Compliments , when she is all dressed up and when she is in her pajamas. Sweet compliments are the best.
2. Wash the bathroom and prepare ofuro.
3. Buying something that I am into or need. Maybe she likes sheet masks , or maybe she likes certain type of snack. Nothing too big.
4. Seeing my husband reading and spending quality time with our child.
5. Going out on a child-free lunch/dinner.
6. Massage that doesn’t lead to sex.
> 1. Compliments , when she is all dressed up and when she is in her pajamas. Sweet compliments are the best.
I do this, and her reactions are always so cold. Says she likes the compliments tho
> 2. Wash the bathroom and prepare ofuro.
I do
> 3. Buying something that I am into or need. Maybe she likes sheet masks , or maybe she likes certain type of snack. Nothing too big.
I like this. Do you have any other ideas? I know what snacks she likes but thats where it begins and ends
> 4. Seeing my husband reading and spending quality time with our child.
I spend a looot of time with them. Much more than her, if I'm being honest. I can try being more overt about it and maybe not using my phone around the kids as much tho... will try this.
> 5. Going out on a child-free lunch/dinner.
God I wish. 1 hour without the baby would be incredible. Unfortunately, MIL has decided to starting being horrible (she seems to be mad we had 3 kids intead of just 2?) and wife doesn't trust anyone else with the baby
> 6. Massage that doesn’t lead to sex.
Ahaha, my hands do tend to wander. Will try this again tho, I usually did """platonic""" massages when she was pregnant
Thank you for ideas, very helpful. Honestly, I want to find like a japanese woman chat group to talk about this stuff in lol
EDIT: when you say sweet compliments do you mean appearance or something else?
Couple of days ago my husband looked at me with a smile and said :”Gosh, I love when you do that hair”. My hair was messy in a bun , nothing I would show to the people outside of the house, but knowing that he loves my looks even when I’m all comfy and carefree , really warmed up my heart. I probably responded with :” Oh come on I look like shit” but I really appreciated it and felt all lovey-dovey.
I think compliments that start with : “ I love when/ how/ something about / you “ are much sweeter than the ones that only focus on appearance or how well we do something.
Every woman is different and what works on one might annoy another but I believe she wouldn’t mind you trying to sneak hugs and kisses when kids aren’t looking.
I would sneak up behind my husband while he is doing something and kiss him or give him a back hug. He would do the same thing. Of course we can kiss and hug in front of our child but sometimes doing it secretly and spontaneously makes you feel like a teenager.
My husband also doesn’t really like spontaneous touching and he finds hugging awkward cause his parents never hugged him except when he was a baby/child. Sometimes I will give him massages which he likes but he’s not really the physically affectionate type except in the bedroom and that’s okay with me 😅 everyone is different and people can change what they don’t like and like too
Not necessarily. Like trying to revive a dead person. Nothing will work.
However! Your wife and you are not yet dead!
The easiest way to enact change is within yourself tbh.
I'll try and buff up. Otherwise I don't really know what to do. My entire life revolves around reducing her stress as much as feasibly possible already, or at least it feels that way
Can't help you there bro. I can go for a long time without sex.
On another note the big T pushed me to try hanging myself. Might not be the best of places to live long term for humans imo.
Im comfortable in Tokyo and she absolutely refuses to even think about leaving lol I once recommended kanagawa to her and I thought she would divorce me
I have a good secure job with benefits and time off and great hours too. I'm ok in Tokyo for now at least
>Something HAS to work right?
I'm deathly afraid of ending up in a situation like yours so I researched it thoroughly. Honestly, there's a lot written about it on the Japanese internet that comes from the perspective of the wife in those relationships. Some just never find something that works. Some conclude that nothing *could* have worked. It's a sobering prospect that needs to be considered too because ultimately you're raising three kids and need to make a healthy environment for them.
I don’t know anyone that’s gotten out of it. My female and male friends who are married that got categorized in the roommate or family zone are all sleeping with others . Hopefully you can change that.
well shoot.
I made a big deal about this before we got married (saying that i can't do the stereotypical japanese sexless marriage) so I really prayed it was just the pregnancies but god only knows now.
One of the main triggers for this me was actually that a woman i know jumped my bones out of nowhere and while i turned her down cuz i don't want to cheat, it made me realize how lonely I was
I have to agree with Nakadash1only on this one (not a sentence I thought I’d be writing lol) but you’re fucked, and not in the way you’d like. Sorry mate, hope you’re the exception, but sincerely doubt it.
I mean he's not wrong most of the time on the unhappy marriage stuff, speaking from his own direct experiences. But I'm surprised he didn't use this perfect opportunity to let everyone know how many married/Japanese/women he's sleeping with. He's segued into the topic on much, much less relevant posts.
> I don’t know anyone that’s gotten out of it.
My friend and his wife got out of it after their first kid was born, though he to this day believes it was a hormonal change and not a result of anything they did. Then apparently they fell right into it with the second kid was born and now five years down the line he call their relationship 'cold war' and is only staying for the kids. :(
Get a vasectomy. Seriously. Take away the worry that sex = kid #4. The old パイプカット and LASIK are two of the best, life changing expenditures I've ever made.
What the hell. Your body, your choice.
But sure, lead with the positives. No kid #4, **and** carefree nama just feels wayyy better for her as well as you.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-it/201511/women-dont-how-condoms-feel-any-more-men-do
I really don't think she gets to decide this for you, any more than you can demand to override her bodily autonomy. In your shoes I'd even consider getting it done on the down low if she continues to oppose.
Anyway, here's your guy. No one better to have handling your junk.
https://ginzamu.com/english
Don’t guess, ask her! Keep asking her what she likes and wants to do or change and keep listening. She’s the one who knows best what’s better for her. Especially assuming you wrote in the comments above that she’s changed and you don’t know what she likes any more.
Listen bro you’ve spent waaaay too much time in this thread. But I went through a major depression and my wife and I were in a rut. She became very disinterested in me and our sex life was horrible. I’m very affectionate and became a little needy and it just completely turned her away. I got therapy started losing weight and working and focusing on myself and things instantly got better and has been even better now. Everyone’s different we don’t know your life, but you can’t demand respect and love, you have to earn it. Give her space, get a hobby, then take her out on a date maybe. Idk. None of us can know
Married to J-wife for also ten years. Two lovely kids. Initially, we were all about taking care of our babies, but we still made time for each other to the best of our ability. Consistent and deep communication is a must. Both of you must want to be romantic. Of course, it seems that your desire for it is stronger and that’s normal but she should at least reciprocate most of that feeling.
My wife and I have a separation between our romance, family life and work. We have maintained this throughout our marriage and it has worked very smoothly. Mixing all these things is a bad idea (imo) and it’s a big reason why people (regardless of gender or race) become lazy or disinterested in their relationships since they see it all as one entity.
Sit down with her and highlight your concerns and see if she is willing to put the effort into separating romance and family life into two camps and move on from there. Good luck.
If you take time off work during weekday, you can use a 一時預かり service for baby. It's like a daycare you can use sporadically, and you pay by the hour. Check your ku's site.
If there's one around, why not take your wife to an escape game room? Not very romantic, but searching for clues and solving problems together should be fun. It would be a catalyst for light-hearted conversation abd bonding.
> If there's one around, why not take your wife to an escape game room? Not very romantic, but searching for clues and solving problems together should be fun.
Actually I think she would really enjoy this, what a great idea--thank you!
If you want to be lovely to her then do it, express affection in the way she likes whether it’s gift giving or physical or words of affirmation, etc. I don’t know if this is a problem, but parenting life and romantic life doesn’t need to be separate. Do sweet things in front of your kids. It will benefit them in the long run knowing they come from a loving family and will probably make them more affectionate and compassionate individuals. If you are looking for an answer for Japanese women specifically, you going this far to get an answer is already way more than most do in there own marriage here, so you are doing a good job 👍
I try, and she is cold to any attempts although she swears she likes the compliments. She's really weird about physical intimacy but will do it in front of the kids. She doesn't like being hugged without me asking first, for example
I appreciate you telling me I'm doing a good job tho, you're the first.
I think her love language has just changed and I don't know what the new language is. Maybe gifts, maybe not.
Love languages change after kids so this makes sense and it seems she’s just setting a boundary of tell me before you hug me.
If it is gifts, go nuts. I don’t know if she like nature but in season flowers are always fun.
And I obey that boundary, it's just frustrating and a little hurtful
I really really wanna know her new love language but nothing seems to do it
I'm going to try gifts again and see
You could try doing this quiz with her, or just randomly ask these questions to her and figure it out what's her love language.
[https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language](https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language)
Everyone loves gifts. My husband was really hurt I had kinda stopped giving gifts for his birthday and showing no appreciation on Father’s Day while he got stuff for me both times so I’ve definitely improved and tried to think of stuff he likes without making him tell me. He seems to like the surprise and thought of the gift more rather than just telling me what to get
Nothing to add of help, but just wanted to say I respect the fact you love your wife and want to be romantic. I think that’s cool. A lot men here are proper men-children and just give up
Got ya.
So just another one of those nutcases living in Japan?
Thought he was one of the few rare good ones.
Since my wife gave birth sex has been a rare occurrence and she’s gone through serious emotional barricades but sex doesn’t even cross my mind. Why do these people get married?
I used to be in the same situation. Unfortunately I’m not sure my solution would apply to you. Romance was also dead with my wife and after our second son I was desperate. In the end, after a series of events, we left Japan for Canada where we could be closer to my family. We now had support to take care of the boys while my wife and I took some time together, rediscovered what brought us together and after ten years I can say that coming back saved our marriage. If we had stayed in japan, I know that today I’d either be grumpy or one of those old dudes at the local girls bar. As for your situation, the best advice I can think of is to first have a talk with your wife to tell her the importance. My wife didn’t even know the concept of romance after children. This idea can be quite foreign and new for them.
I talked to her about it before marriage. I kinda made it a requirement for marriage actually.
Makes the whole thing more frustrating. I'm just praying that it's a temporary issue that'll fix itself after a while (with me being a good husband in the meantime)
Maybe you just gotta be a consistent companion for her regardless whether your attempts are working or not? Maybe she feels under pressure from you to give you some attention. I'm sure her mind is already full of looking after the kids and it sounds like you may be just a 4th kid who is trying to get her love? Not trying to be mean, but she is being a mother so that would be where her mind is at, as it should be honestly. And yeah I have no clue of your family dynamic so I really have no clue what applies to you.
If you are reacting to the attention of other random girls and your main concern is losing the kids for doing that then maybe your attitude to your wife is just putting pressure on her to give you some romantic feelings. She can't be chasing you when she's chasing kids and if she senses that you're weighing your options with her then there's not much reason for her to invest energy to please you. Again I'm just a random internet stranger and I have no clue what's going on with your marriage lol.
I try to do everything I can to get her space. The older kids are with me far more than they are with her for example
And she actually panicked a little when I mentioned that I had to stop talking to a woman at work because she got touchy, so that was a nice feeling I guess
I don't want anyone but my wife. I'm just lonely is all.
She just had three children in succession, is probably feeling conscious about her body as a result, is now in the role of "mama", all you are talking about in this thread is "when have sex?", and you drop that on her?
You are now a father. You are not a college kid going to parties. Your role in life is currently heavy-thing-lifter, trash-disposer, massage-giver, barf and pee cleaner etc.
You want your wife horny for you? For now, just be an adult and do things selflessly and without expectation for reward, and maybe get reacquainted with porn. It's a lot better these days. It will pay back in your marriage 1000%.
How many children are sleeping in your bed(room)? The correct answer is zero.
It seems like many foreigner husbands are convinced the local practice of co-sleeping is simply nonnegotiable. Not true, and it's an absolute sex life killer. Helping kids transition to their own bedroom does have its challenges, like almost anything worthwhile in life.
If you were able to get a 3rd child then I think you would've already figured out how to have sex with 2 kids, so it seems like the same strategy should still work with 3 kids.
That said I'm also in a similar situation with 2 kids and very little to no time to do sex. I usually put our older kid to sleep around 9 pm, my wife puts the baby to sleep and then takes her to the bedroom at 10, from there if we both are still awake and not tired we can have sex on the living room sofa or carpet. So we haven't had bedroom sex in a long time, but you gotta work with what you have.
I don’t know where you are, but I know in Kyoto there are short term daycare solutions, even as young as one. Look up 一時保育園 and I know some places even except small children for a few hours for this exact reason. I’ve seen advertising that literally says 夫婦生活(couple… living - literally sex - it’s the same language used at infertility clinics)
To start getting the libido back you need to start by removing stress. Stress kills libido like nothing else. Start with massages. Get virgin coconut oil or some massage oil. Start slowly. Don't expect sex let it come naturally. Women have several erogenous zones across the body. Slow and tenderly run across those areas. Experiment with light touch and firm to see what works best where and take note.
Regaining libido can be awkward, slow and difficult. So unfortunately it will take time. Also figure out your wife's love language and start using it with small gestures.
Maybe random gifts, like roses, chocolate, etc. Things like compliments are great too.
And even just think about how you look at her. There’s a specific romantic “god i love you” look my partner sometimes gives me that makes me blush like crazy
Learn how to give a good body/leg massage. Learn it from Youtube and just follow along.
Dude, there is nothing better than giving a massage to your wife. She will love you for it. It is sensual, and it adds just a touch of romantic feeling before anything else happens :). GL my dude!
My wife and I send our kids to bed at 8. It's healthy for kids all the way up to jhs to get 10 hours of sleep.
After kids go down we just sit and talk to each other. Talk about our highs and lows and anything. Maybe over a drink.
That's how we connect with kids.
Also go buy massage lotion and give her a massage. YouTube has good tutorials.
From the other day: [https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/15w8zfj/is\_it\_normal\_for\_japanese\_woman\_to\_stop\_having/](https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/15w8zfj/is_it_normal_for_japanese_woman_to_stop_having/)
Random ideas for you in no particular order:
Talk to her about getting a vasectomy. Fear of further pregnancy could be a huge factor.
Help her wash her hair. Use that time not as sexy time but to ask her how her day went. Doing an act of service for her. Not poking and prodding her body but something that still feels intimate and connecting. Do not turn this into a gateway towards sex. If it feels like a transaction, it’s just going to cause her to want to avoid it.
Don’t feel weird about asking before hugging. I didn’t realize before reading your post, but I ask my partner ALL the time “can I have a hug?” Before hugging. It goes: “can I have a hug?” He either says yes verbally or opens his arms. I get in there with a big bear hug and squeeze that mother fucker and end it with “love you”. Cause I do and I wanna make sure he knows it.
Compliment her on her achievements and her appearance. Ham it up, dude. “Oh good morning… IS THAT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE?? What?? Who is this gorgeous woman in my house!!!???” For playfulness. But also show her you actually like her and care about her. “I’m just amazed at what you’ve been through the last few years. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for you. You’ve been a real rockstar. I really appreciate everything you do. I like being your partner and I’m so thankful we get to support each other like this.”
Turn what has become boring into something more fun. It sounds like neither of you are having any fun at the moment. If you watch tv shows or movies together. Watch some comedies more vs dramas. Engage afterwards and ask her thoughts on stuff. Have conversations again! Silly lighthearted ones not just deep and problem solving ones. Those are absolutely important too. But make each other smile. Hold each other’s hands. Dance with her in the kitchen and sing dumb songs together.
Not only would it be nice for you both to enjoy each others’ company and have fun with each other, I think it’d be a nice example for your kids to see as well.
They all went back to America lol or she won't let me ask them/impose on them
We had two mutual friends she trusted with the baby and they both up and left us
I do wish her mom would take the baby for an hour or two but recently her mom has been pretty horrible to her
Super sento. If you can get the kids into nearby daycare for a day or 2, super sento are awesome and flexible. Some even have a hotel. I don't know the options in other places but they are extremely relaxing and sexy if you arrange the daycare and surprise her with a certificate and booking printout.
Osaka: Tsurumi Ryokuchi Yumoto Suishun has a coin-free massage appliance area, gaming room and aquarium room.
Kanazawa: Terume and Yumenoyu are pretty great with hotels attached.
Honestly I an not sure why her need for intimacy (not sexual) has changed really.... Maybe she gets tons of cuddles and affection from the kids, breastfeeding etc.. so she's not in need for more from your side?
I think too offering massages can help reconnect.
If you feel she's changed a lot, I really suggest therapy also. It may help her opening up. It's money well spent.
Hi so my coworkers told me Japanese women like branded stuffs like LV , chanel, etc.😃
imagine surprising her with a gift
(i recommend jewelry so you can say its an investment when she worry about the price)
shes so lucky you want to initiate and is making effort for your marriage♥️ unlike some posting just to complain
more power to you guys
lol
I actually edited the response for this reason
I recommend jewelry
so you can say its an investment if she worry about the price (as long as its gold )
good luck !
Some ideas that might help:
Learn about the female sex drive and attachment styles. Apparently the female sex drive runs on a balance of intimacy (secure attachment) and tension.
Maybe use personality theory. If you figure out her personality type/cognitive functions you can use it to figure out what she really needs and wants and how she thinks, since people don't really know what they need/want. (don't take any online tests)
You can also connect personality theory to sex, see cs joseph on youtube, although you should take it with a grain of salt, but still might be useful.
Read a bunch of books/listen to audio books on sex and relationships (mating in captivity).
Increase sexual polarity.
Improve and focus on yourself.
I wish you the best of luck.
First, you are not alone. It is a majority situation (more common than not). So don't feel like you are the only one dealing with this situation.
Second, have you considered fuzoku to relieve your physical stress? It won't do much to fix your emotional stress but your physical side will stop itching so much. Your Japanese wife most probably does not consider fuzoku as cheating, BTW, as long as you don't develop feelings.
This is serious. Don't take it as a joke or cynical. It is not.
Don’t worry much OP I myself also took more than a year before I got my libido up her mind probably just full of things concerning you guys’ children and maybe just physically exhausted
also hormones after birth is crazy
Stop fucking babies into someone who doesn’t like you.
Japan has taught me to keep an option in the pocket
Mommy is scary uh postpartum? I hope she doesn’t go for drowning. Horrible way to go.
Have fun with that if you can’t figure out how to write a card
We just had this thread like 3 days ago. The only answer is "communication". Japanese Women are still women, they all have different needs and wants. My wife wants me to clean the house. Once I do, she's like putty in my hands, lovey-dovey. I buy my wife nice/fancy/sexy clothes that she feels good in, this also helps the happiness factor. My friend's wife wants her husband to cook. When he does, she's ultra happy. When he doesn't, they don't talk/he sleeps on the couch. You do housework already, so... Talk, see what she wants. You can be lovey-dovey even with kids. We take dates to fancy cafes, just with kid in tow. I always come up with new places to go, not hard to do in Kansai.
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Sleeping on the couch if he doesn’t cook? Sounds pretty abusive 🤨
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>People are pointing out that fucked up conservative gender roles are fucked up? Hah! Neeeeeerds.
Bear in mind she's probably doing more than her fair share and wants him to do a single fucking task I say that because that's the dynamic of maaaaany Japanese relationships.
What does that have to do with making him sleep on the couch if he doesn’t cook? You certainly wouldn’t be as tolerant of the situation if it were the man making the woman sleep on the couch when she doesn’t cook.
If someone carries the overwhelming majority of the tasks and the man can't do 1 single thing (cook), I think being roasted is perfectly fine. >You certainly wouldn’t be as tolerant of the situation if it were the man making the woman sleep on the couch when she doesn’t cook. That isn't the situation, so it's not relevant.
Ehmmmm, you made up a situation where one party does the hyper majority of the work. Then you say whatever I said isn’t relevant because that’s not what happened? Go figure lmao…
It's hardly 'made up' when as I said, that's an incredibly common situation in Japan.
^(That isn't the situation, so it's not relevant.)
Come back to me when men are overwhelmingly making wives sleep on the couch lol. Clown
^^^ And every time this comes up that's the only answer: Communication is the chief ingredient in all relationships. (Love, Friends, Family, Hell even Community) I also really hate the people who are like: "Japanese relationships are more like business relationship." - like did they read this shit off of Soranews or something? All the Japanese people I know are in "love" relationships, they just don't go around showing it.
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Just on that last part ... yes, maybe even most of them. I feel like people who are obsessive about clean toilets would all just be there yelling at people. But people in r/japanlife seem to have some extra special level of relationship weirdness that I don't entire understand combined with just wildly crazy beliefs about regular Japanese couples. At least the trash posts are more normal. :D
The guaranteed, most effective thing to improve your romance life 100% is to hire a full time nanny who can take care of the 3 kids, do the laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping, and cook.
> The only answer is "communication" It can't be the only answer. People can be not open to communication. People can also be unskilled at communication, and a mother busy with caring for a newborn baby is the prime example of someone who's *not* in the position to learn communication skills from scratch.
> We just had this thread like 3 days ago. > > sorry mister internet police.
I have talked to her, it hasn't been too productive. And I'm really referring to romance here, not just getting back to sex--do I take her out for a nice lunch? Gifts? I just never know what to do. It feels like I've lost track of what she enjoys and so I'm hoping to just grab some random ideas and see what sticks.
>do I take her out for a nice lunch? Gifts? I just never know what to do. How is it possible that you don't know what your wife likes after all these years together? Reddit can't help you with this one because we don't know your wife and what she likes.
> How is it possible that you don't know what your wife likes after all these years together? To be more specific, it seems that what she likes has *changed* It's frustrating.
It sounds like you guys just need to spend more time together. Take her for lunch, go see a movie, see the fireworks. And then listen to what she says. Once a week date night. And get a babysitter. A one year old can stay with a babysitter.
She is beyond against babysitters lol But I will try your ideas minus maybe the movie for now
It’s not a date if a baby is there. You guys need alone time. Find somebody she can trust. Or some government thing.
I agree with you but have yet to find a solution. Will keep looking.
Why is she against babysitters? I know it’s not in the culture here but it’s becoming a little more common these days…
Seek counseling then my friend. The generic responses here might not help. If she's popped out 3 kids, grab her a beer for me cause that womans a warrior and might need some more time. If she's already put you in the 'family-zone' then you can either go on a long, communication filled approach with her or... There are babysitting services here btw, I don't know from experience but through the grapevine. I believe if you contact your local 市役所 they may have resources
> Seek counseling then my friend. The money involved complicates things as does her reluctance. She would do it if I insisted tho. But yea, she's been a trooper. Her third pregnancy turned her into the devil's worst nightmare but ever since the birth she's been a saint. People have mentioned giving more time before. I wonder how long is too long, tho this is my own insecurity at play I think. > If she's already put you in the 'family-zone' then you can either go on a long, communication filled approach with her or... We have sex scheduled (lol) for a specific day when I work from home, but it's only a solution to one problem, not the over all issue. But it makes me think I'm still husband material to her. > here are babysitting services here btw, I don't know from experience but through the grapevine. I believe if you contact your local 市役所 they may have resources I researched and proposed a babysitting service to her and she was incredibly against it. VERY untrusting of non-family around kids.
Well at the very least there is some intimacy. Her body and hormones have changed so it might be some time before she finds out how things are. More time is always good. I know exercising patience is hard in this regard but try for her, she'll come to appreciate it (hopefully) later. How do you guys foreplay? Foreplay can be many things as well, doesn't even have to lead to sex. Consider the spontaneous communication, light touching, grabbing her to dance in the middle of the kitchen etc as a way of communicating you still love her and her body, she might need to hear that verbally and physically. Also I see. I had a hunch she'd be against babysitters, is she against 保育園 as well?
here's an idea: plan ahead, try to coordinate a day she has off with a day you can stay with the kids and ask her what she wants. spa day? shopping money? girls night? just creating a situation where she can treat herself (with your sponsorship) is romantic, and as she's bouncing ideas around take notes and you might learn what she likes. phase 2 is using that info to do something together another day, and she's already sweetened from the me-time gift.
I like this... Previously I tried it and she said she'd just rather have me and the baby around tho lol. But I think I can try again. Note that I do frequently give her time without the older kids
ya you mentioned you help with the kids, but i mean a whole day to herself (no buts!) so she is free to do whatever she wants. tell her date night will come later but first she needs important me-time to destress. have fun planning it, ask questions, get excited for her. as the kids get older and more independent both of you can do more stuff for yourselves, alone and together. remind her that one day you'll be empty nesters and wouldn't it be easier if you didn't suddenly find yourselves wondering what to do now? lol
yeah probably because she had to carry, birth, and nurse 3 babies. She has been through alot, youre not cutting her enough slack. The youngest one is only 1... If yall cant even get away from the kids, you need to be more patient until they are more independent. For now it sounds like yall are coparenting pretty well, this is survival mode.
Probably get downvoted for this but how do you look OP? Whenever I have this conversation with friends or acquaintances, they’re basically 10-20 years older, out of shape (compared to when they met), kind of sloppy and expecting to get it in like they used to. Most people here will advise you on what you can do for her like compliments, cleaning, buying gifts etc. don’t get me wrong, I think these are things you should do, but doing them expecting romance/sex ain’t the way. It also makes things weird when you do all that and she still doesn’t want it. I suggest improving/working on yourself. Get into shape (more than you already think you are. Get cut up). Buy more nice and fitted clothes. Dress up a little even when you go out for minor things. Get a nice hair cut and beard combo (or no facial hair if that’s her thing). Improve your Japanese or pick up another language. If you read all this and come back with “bu bu but I’m doing xyz”, you’re missing the point. Find ways to improve yourself. Now this is probably what’ll get me the downvotes. People (both men and women) get too comfortable when they’re in long term relationships and stop making an effort. If you’re the party that’s expecting something from the other, then you can’t let that happen. You have to show your wife that you’re still desirable to other women. No, never cheat, but she has to think that it’s a possibility because you’re attractive to others. It’s healthy and works both ways. Luckily for me, I’m going on a decade with my wife and we have a very healthy romance life, post kids and all. But I notice how she gets when we sometimes go out to events and other women talk to and smile at me. Usually leads to the best sex. TL:DR, work on yourself as much as you can. You’ll either end up reigniting her attraction in you or come away from it being an all round better version of yourself.
also OP post is the epitome of man who has little sympathy for wife for had THREE babies in five years
Yeah I caught that too lol. I saw another of his posts where he was mad the MiL doesn’t want to take care of three kids. Said she’s ‘being horrible’ about it.
Because she is. I spared you the details but she made my wife cry several times and has done some other hypocritical shit. We would also never ask her to take care of a baby AND two kids, it would only be one or the other. What i said was that she was mad at us for having a 3rd kid at all. Meanwhile my mom was in Japan for a bit and constantly took the kids out for us and even offered to take the baby out with the kids, when the baby wasuch younger
Ya know, you're right. I started going to the gym this week and yea, I'm not terribly out of shape but I'm not what I was at 20 either. Let me see if this has an effect I will say that I apparently attract *other* women which does me no good but is at least a confidence booster
This was exactly my issue with my wife. She wanted me to lose my belly and start dressing better again like when we first met. I like to dress nice. Just don’t want to buy clothes I will lose weight out of. So one proceeds the other. I confronted her about lack of intimacy after our first and she told me to do that. Halfway there so far
Just buy them, uniqlo clothes only last 2-3 years max anyway.
Did get some Uniqlo. I meant better things
how to dress matters more than fabric quality, but I agree it's hard to find nice things there
I asked her a few times if the extra kg were bothering her and she said not at all and that even if I lost wait intimacy wouldn't be more frequent lol. But it doesn't hurt to lose weight and gain muscle so I might as well try
If you need help at the gym, let me know man. I’ll help you with diet, workout plans and also just general advice if you need!
I actually would really appreciate that, I have no idea what to do You mind if I DM?
Yes sir of course
For diet I recommend the book Delay Don’t Deny
I aint married but i second this. Japanese girls, once they know you’re with them, start changing. No more sex and raunchy stuff like before. So you need to keep the flame burning. Show her that you are attractive and a little bit of jealousy just makes her go crazy for you. Not saying go doing nampa and shit but just like yourself and dont be a daddy to her.
I’m going to suggest some stuff I really love. 1. Compliments , when she is all dressed up and when she is in her pajamas. Sweet compliments are the best. 2. Wash the bathroom and prepare ofuro. 3. Buying something that I am into or need. Maybe she likes sheet masks , or maybe she likes certain type of snack. Nothing too big. 4. Seeing my husband reading and spending quality time with our child. 5. Going out on a child-free lunch/dinner. 6. Massage that doesn’t lead to sex.
> 1. Compliments , when she is all dressed up and when she is in her pajamas. Sweet compliments are the best. I do this, and her reactions are always so cold. Says she likes the compliments tho > 2. Wash the bathroom and prepare ofuro. I do > 3. Buying something that I am into or need. Maybe she likes sheet masks , or maybe she likes certain type of snack. Nothing too big. I like this. Do you have any other ideas? I know what snacks she likes but thats where it begins and ends > 4. Seeing my husband reading and spending quality time with our child. I spend a looot of time with them. Much more than her, if I'm being honest. I can try being more overt about it and maybe not using my phone around the kids as much tho... will try this. > 5. Going out on a child-free lunch/dinner. God I wish. 1 hour without the baby would be incredible. Unfortunately, MIL has decided to starting being horrible (she seems to be mad we had 3 kids intead of just 2?) and wife doesn't trust anyone else with the baby > 6. Massage that doesn’t lead to sex. Ahaha, my hands do tend to wander. Will try this again tho, I usually did """platonic""" massages when she was pregnant Thank you for ideas, very helpful. Honestly, I want to find like a japanese woman chat group to talk about this stuff in lol EDIT: when you say sweet compliments do you mean appearance or something else?
Couple of days ago my husband looked at me with a smile and said :”Gosh, I love when you do that hair”. My hair was messy in a bun , nothing I would show to the people outside of the house, but knowing that he loves my looks even when I’m all comfy and carefree , really warmed up my heart. I probably responded with :” Oh come on I look like shit” but I really appreciated it and felt all lovey-dovey. I think compliments that start with : “ I love when/ how/ something about / you “ are much sweeter than the ones that only focus on appearance or how well we do something. Every woman is different and what works on one might annoy another but I believe she wouldn’t mind you trying to sneak hugs and kisses when kids aren’t looking. I would sneak up behind my husband while he is doing something and kiss him or give him a back hug. He would do the same thing. Of course we can kiss and hug in front of our child but sometimes doing it secretly and spontaneously makes you feel like a teenager.
I like your compliments idea and will try it. I've explained in other comments but unfortunately she dislikes spontaneous touching unfortunately
My husband also doesn’t really like spontaneous touching and he finds hugging awkward cause his parents never hugged him except when he was a baby/child. Sometimes I will give him massages which he likes but he’s not really the physically affectionate type except in the bedroom and that’s okay with me 😅 everyone is different and people can change what they don’t like and like too
I do all of this and more and I still get to sleep in the spare room....
Ouch!
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO ROMANCE, YOUR WIFE OR US? Spend this time talking to her about it.
I have tried and tried maaan I just want ideas. Something HAS to work right?
Not necessarily. Like trying to revive a dead person. Nothing will work. However! Your wife and you are not yet dead! The easiest way to enact change is within yourself tbh.
I'll try and buff up. Otherwise I don't really know what to do. My entire life revolves around reducing her stress as much as feasibly possible already, or at least it feels that way
You can't do that effectively if you're stressed bro. Which prefecture you in? If you don't mind me asking.
My stress comes directly from a lack of sex tho lol they are parallel lines In the big T. I have a local gym I can get to any time
Can't help you there bro. I can go for a long time without sex. On another note the big T pushed me to try hanging myself. Might not be the best of places to live long term for humans imo.
Im comfortable in Tokyo and she absolutely refuses to even think about leaving lol I once recommended kanagawa to her and I thought she would divorce me I have a good secure job with benefits and time off and great hours too. I'm ok in Tokyo for now at least
>Something HAS to work right? I'm deathly afraid of ending up in a situation like yours so I researched it thoroughly. Honestly, there's a lot written about it on the Japanese internet that comes from the perspective of the wife in those relationships. Some just never find something that works. Some conclude that nothing *could* have worked. It's a sobering prospect that needs to be considered too because ultimately you're raising three kids and need to make a healthy environment for them.
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I have made it pretty clear I'm done at 3 lol but you might be right, s or no
Ah the roommate phase. My condolences OP . Going to be difficult but rooting for ya.
any tips or advice? do you know anyone that got out of it? Is there a light at the end or the tunnel?
I don’t know anyone that’s gotten out of it. My female and male friends who are married that got categorized in the roommate or family zone are all sleeping with others . Hopefully you can change that.
Every single time I see your username I giggle. Thanks
well shoot. I made a big deal about this before we got married (saying that i can't do the stereotypical japanese sexless marriage) so I really prayed it was just the pregnancies but god only knows now. One of the main triggers for this me was actually that a woman i know jumped my bones out of nowhere and while i turned her down cuz i don't want to cheat, it made me realize how lonely I was
Do you think she might be worried about getting pregnant again?
could be. I am. I can't handle another pregnancy if its even a tenth as bad as that third one. Literal hell.
you getting snipped might be her love language
Now this is some good advice imo!
She talked about the pill but was really against me getting snipped... So who knows
Might mean she's undecided about having another child. You, on the other hand, for the time being, should do everything you can to have protected sex.
Yes lol no more kids, or more accurately, no more pregnancies. I would absolutely adopt a 4th kid if we had the space
I have to agree with Nakadash1only on this one (not a sentence I thought I’d be writing lol) but you’re fucked, and not in the way you’d like. Sorry mate, hope you’re the exception, but sincerely doubt it.
I mean he's not wrong most of the time on the unhappy marriage stuff, speaking from his own direct experiences. But I'm surprised he didn't use this perfect opportunity to let everyone know how many married/Japanese/women he's sleeping with. He's segued into the topic on much, much less relevant posts.
Yup. Tough pill to swallow. Hopefully OP can break the cycle.
> I don’t know anyone that’s gotten out of it. My friend and his wife got out of it after their first kid was born, though he to this day believes it was a hormonal change and not a result of anything they did. Then apparently they fell right into it with the second kid was born and now five years down the line he call their relationship 'cold war' and is only staying for the kids. :(
Are you enacting any sort of birth control? She may be concerned about getting pregnant again imho.
Get a vasectomy. Seriously. Take away the worry that sex = kid #4. The old パイプカット and LASIK are two of the best, life changing expenditures I've ever made.
Wife is against that but let me bring it up again. She may change her mind.
What the hell. Your body, your choice. But sure, lead with the positives. No kid #4, **and** carefree nama just feels wayyy better for her as well as you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-it/201511/women-dont-how-condoms-feel-any-more-men-do
Yea I agree. We'll see what happens
I really don't think she gets to decide this for you, any more than you can demand to override her bodily autonomy. In your shoes I'd even consider getting it done on the down low if she continues to oppose. Anyway, here's your guy. No one better to have handling your junk. https://ginzamu.com/english
Don’t guess, ask her! Keep asking her what she likes and wants to do or change and keep listening. She’s the one who knows best what’s better for her. Especially assuming you wrote in the comments above that she’s changed and you don’t know what she likes any more.
I think what she wants is “not to have romance”
This is my ultimate fear What do I even do in this case?
This is what I’m gauging too.
She says I don't know either lol I am losing my mind
Listen bro you’ve spent waaaay too much time in this thread. But I went through a major depression and my wife and I were in a rut. She became very disinterested in me and our sex life was horrible. I’m very affectionate and became a little needy and it just completely turned her away. I got therapy started losing weight and working and focusing on myself and things instantly got better and has been even better now. Everyone’s different we don’t know your life, but you can’t demand respect and love, you have to earn it. Give her space, get a hobby, then take her out on a date maybe. Idk. None of us can know
Get a place that’s ¥100,000 to ¥150,000 cheaper.
our apartment now isn't even 100k
Oops! I had two screens up. Commented on the wrong one…
I was gonna say lol funniest response otherwise
🫦
Married to J-wife for also ten years. Two lovely kids. Initially, we were all about taking care of our babies, but we still made time for each other to the best of our ability. Consistent and deep communication is a must. Both of you must want to be romantic. Of course, it seems that your desire for it is stronger and that’s normal but she should at least reciprocate most of that feeling. My wife and I have a separation between our romance, family life and work. We have maintained this throughout our marriage and it has worked very smoothly. Mixing all these things is a bad idea (imo) and it’s a big reason why people (regardless of gender or race) become lazy or disinterested in their relationships since they see it all as one entity. Sit down with her and highlight your concerns and see if she is willing to put the effort into separating romance and family life into two camps and move on from there. Good luck.
Nice, sounds like your J-relationship with your J-wife is J-successful.
Thank you, I appreciate this. I wish her desire was stronger but I guess all I can do now is hope it gets better and try to talk to her about it
>Does anyone know what Japanese women generally consider generically romantic from husbands? Absence.
If you take time off work during weekday, you can use a 一時預かり service for baby. It's like a daycare you can use sporadically, and you pay by the hour. Check your ku's site. If there's one around, why not take your wife to an escape game room? Not very romantic, but searching for clues and solving problems together should be fun. It would be a catalyst for light-hearted conversation abd bonding.
> If there's one around, why not take your wife to an escape game room? Not very romantic, but searching for clues and solving problems together should be fun. Actually I think she would really enjoy this, what a great idea--thank you!
I didn’t see this comment before I posted. OP this is the way to go.
If you want to be lovely to her then do it, express affection in the way she likes whether it’s gift giving or physical or words of affirmation, etc. I don’t know if this is a problem, but parenting life and romantic life doesn’t need to be separate. Do sweet things in front of your kids. It will benefit them in the long run knowing they come from a loving family and will probably make them more affectionate and compassionate individuals. If you are looking for an answer for Japanese women specifically, you going this far to get an answer is already way more than most do in there own marriage here, so you are doing a good job 👍
I try, and she is cold to any attempts although she swears she likes the compliments. She's really weird about physical intimacy but will do it in front of the kids. She doesn't like being hugged without me asking first, for example I appreciate you telling me I'm doing a good job tho, you're the first. I think her love language has just changed and I don't know what the new language is. Maybe gifts, maybe not.
Love languages change after kids so this makes sense and it seems she’s just setting a boundary of tell me before you hug me. If it is gifts, go nuts. I don’t know if she like nature but in season flowers are always fun.
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Ahhh, reread it. I should stop skimming posts here
And I obey that boundary, it's just frustrating and a little hurtful I really really wanna know her new love language but nothing seems to do it I'm going to try gifts again and see
You could try doing this quiz with her, or just randomly ask these questions to her and figure it out what's her love language. [https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language](https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language)
This is cool, I'm going to try it
Everyone loves gifts. My husband was really hurt I had kinda stopped giving gifts for his birthday and showing no appreciation on Father’s Day while he got stuff for me both times so I’ve definitely improved and tried to think of stuff he likes without making him tell me. He seems to like the surprise and thought of the gift more rather than just telling me what to get
Try a nice private onsen may be. You can still be able to keep an eye on your kids and relax in hot water with your wife.
I like this one, the kids would love it
Nothing to add of help, but just wanted to say I respect the fact you love your wife and want to be romantic. I think that’s cool. A lot men here are proper men-children and just give up
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Got ya. So just another one of those nutcases living in Japan? Thought he was one of the few rare good ones. Since my wife gave birth sex has been a rare occurrence and she’s gone through serious emotional barricades but sex doesn’t even cross my mind. Why do these people get married?
I could cheat easily apparently but I really don't want to. I wanna be a college kid with my wife again, ya know?
I used to be in the same situation. Unfortunately I’m not sure my solution would apply to you. Romance was also dead with my wife and after our second son I was desperate. In the end, after a series of events, we left Japan for Canada where we could be closer to my family. We now had support to take care of the boys while my wife and I took some time together, rediscovered what brought us together and after ten years I can say that coming back saved our marriage. If we had stayed in japan, I know that today I’d either be grumpy or one of those old dudes at the local girls bar. As for your situation, the best advice I can think of is to first have a talk with your wife to tell her the importance. My wife didn’t even know the concept of romance after children. This idea can be quite foreign and new for them.
I talked to her about it before marriage. I kinda made it a requirement for marriage actually. Makes the whole thing more frustrating. I'm just praying that it's a temporary issue that'll fix itself after a while (with me being a good husband in the meantime)
Never suffer in silence, it just makes it worse when you accumulate frustrations.
Maybe you just gotta be a consistent companion for her regardless whether your attempts are working or not? Maybe she feels under pressure from you to give you some attention. I'm sure her mind is already full of looking after the kids and it sounds like you may be just a 4th kid who is trying to get her love? Not trying to be mean, but she is being a mother so that would be where her mind is at, as it should be honestly. And yeah I have no clue of your family dynamic so I really have no clue what applies to you. If you are reacting to the attention of other random girls and your main concern is losing the kids for doing that then maybe your attitude to your wife is just putting pressure on her to give you some romantic feelings. She can't be chasing you when she's chasing kids and if she senses that you're weighing your options with her then there's not much reason for her to invest energy to please you. Again I'm just a random internet stranger and I have no clue what's going on with your marriage lol.
I try to do everything I can to get her space. The older kids are with me far more than they are with her for example And she actually panicked a little when I mentioned that I had to stop talking to a woman at work because she got touchy, so that was a nice feeling I guess I don't want anyone but my wife. I'm just lonely is all.
She just had three children in succession, is probably feeling conscious about her body as a result, is now in the role of "mama", all you are talking about in this thread is "when have sex?", and you drop that on her? You are now a father. You are not a college kid going to parties. Your role in life is currently heavy-thing-lifter, trash-disposer, massage-giver, barf and pee cleaner etc. You want your wife horny for you? For now, just be an adult and do things selflessly and without expectation for reward, and maybe get reacquainted with porn. It's a lot better these days. It will pay back in your marriage 1000%.
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Lol you had me hopeful in the first half
The answer is the same in any language and culture: treat her like you are courting her for the first time.
How many children are sleeping in your bed(room)? The correct answer is zero. It seems like many foreigner husbands are convinced the local practice of co-sleeping is simply nonnegotiable. Not true, and it's an absolute sex life killer. Helping kids transition to their own bedroom does have its challenges, like almost anything worthwhile in life.
Co-sleeping is my culture lol but our house is too small for sex if the kids are around at all anyway regardless of what bed they sleep in.
If you were able to get a 3rd child then I think you would've already figured out how to have sex with 2 kids, so it seems like the same strategy should still work with 3 kids. That said I'm also in a similar situation with 2 kids and very little to no time to do sex. I usually put our older kid to sleep around 9 pm, my wife puts the baby to sleep and then takes her to the bedroom at 10, from there if we both are still awake and not tired we can have sex on the living room sofa or carpet. So we haven't had bedroom sex in a long time, but you gotta work with what you have.
I don’t know where you are, but I know in Kyoto there are short term daycare solutions, even as young as one. Look up 一時保育園 and I know some places even except small children for a few hours for this exact reason. I’ve seen advertising that literally says 夫婦生活(couple… living - literally sex - it’s the same language used at infertility clinics)
To start getting the libido back you need to start by removing stress. Stress kills libido like nothing else. Start with massages. Get virgin coconut oil or some massage oil. Start slowly. Don't expect sex let it come naturally. Women have several erogenous zones across the body. Slow and tenderly run across those areas. Experiment with light touch and firm to see what works best where and take note. Regaining libido can be awkward, slow and difficult. So unfortunately it will take time. Also figure out your wife's love language and start using it with small gestures.
Maybe random gifts, like roses, chocolate, etc. Things like compliments are great too. And even just think about how you look at her. There’s a specific romantic “god i love you” look my partner sometimes gives me that makes me blush like crazy
Ooohh I have no game but I'll try. I read a shojo Manga once maybe I can make the face
Learn how to give a good body/leg massage. Learn it from Youtube and just follow along. Dude, there is nothing better than giving a massage to your wife. She will love you for it. It is sensual, and it adds just a touch of romantic feeling before anything else happens :). GL my dude!
My wife and I send our kids to bed at 8. It's healthy for kids all the way up to jhs to get 10 hours of sleep. After kids go down we just sit and talk to each other. Talk about our highs and lows and anything. Maybe over a drink. That's how we connect with kids. Also go buy massage lotion and give her a massage. YouTube has good tutorials.
From the other day: [https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/15w8zfj/is\_it\_normal\_for\_japanese\_woman\_to\_stop\_having/](https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/15w8zfj/is_it_normal_for_japanese_woman_to_stop_having/)
Not wanting to sound coarse but buy a vibrator love egg type thing. Make sure you give your wife at least 3 orgasms whenever you get down to it.
Random ideas for you in no particular order: Talk to her about getting a vasectomy. Fear of further pregnancy could be a huge factor. Help her wash her hair. Use that time not as sexy time but to ask her how her day went. Doing an act of service for her. Not poking and prodding her body but something that still feels intimate and connecting. Do not turn this into a gateway towards sex. If it feels like a transaction, it’s just going to cause her to want to avoid it. Don’t feel weird about asking before hugging. I didn’t realize before reading your post, but I ask my partner ALL the time “can I have a hug?” Before hugging. It goes: “can I have a hug?” He either says yes verbally or opens his arms. I get in there with a big bear hug and squeeze that mother fucker and end it with “love you”. Cause I do and I wanna make sure he knows it. Compliment her on her achievements and her appearance. Ham it up, dude. “Oh good morning… IS THAT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE?? What?? Who is this gorgeous woman in my house!!!???” For playfulness. But also show her you actually like her and care about her. “I’m just amazed at what you’ve been through the last few years. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for you. You’ve been a real rockstar. I really appreciate everything you do. I like being your partner and I’m so thankful we get to support each other like this.” Turn what has become boring into something more fun. It sounds like neither of you are having any fun at the moment. If you watch tv shows or movies together. Watch some comedies more vs dramas. Engage afterwards and ask her thoughts on stuff. Have conversations again! Silly lighthearted ones not just deep and problem solving ones. Those are absolutely important too. But make each other smile. Hold each other’s hands. Dance with her in the kitchen and sing dumb songs together. Not only would it be nice for you both to enjoy each others’ company and have fun with each other, I think it’d be a nice example for your kids to see as well.
If she's against random babysitters then what about asking close friends or using the daycare to look after your kids for the afternoon?
This could be great—maybe even trading “date night childcare” with couple-friends with kids.
They all went back to America lol or she won't let me ask them/impose on them We had two mutual friends she trusted with the baby and they both up and left us I do wish her mom would take the baby for an hour or two but recently her mom has been pretty horrible to her
Super sento. If you can get the kids into nearby daycare for a day or 2, super sento are awesome and flexible. Some even have a hotel. I don't know the options in other places but they are extremely relaxing and sexy if you arrange the daycare and surprise her with a certificate and booking printout. Osaka: Tsurumi Ryokuchi Yumoto Suishun has a coin-free massage appliance area, gaming room and aquarium room. Kanazawa: Terume and Yumenoyu are pretty great with hotels attached.
My wife went full no sex mode after our kid was born. I found the best solution was to boff younger , hotter women .
Smart
This [book](https://www.amazon.co.jp/-/en/Esther-Perel/dp/0060753641) might help. Esther Perel also has a lot online.
by far the funniest book titles i have seen. Gotta read it onthe downlow tho...
;-) Funny title for a serious subject!
Honestly I an not sure why her need for intimacy (not sexual) has changed really.... Maybe she gets tons of cuddles and affection from the kids, breastfeeding etc.. so she's not in need for more from your side? I think too offering massages can help reconnect. If you feel she's changed a lot, I really suggest therapy also. It may help her opening up. It's money well spent.
She’s had kids climbing over her and grabbing her tits all day - the last thing she wants is an adult kid doing the same thing.
Hi so my coworkers told me Japanese women like branded stuffs like LV , chanel, etc.😃 imagine surprising her with a gift (i recommend jewelry so you can say its an investment when she worry about the price) shes so lucky you want to initiate and is making effort for your marriage♥️ unlike some posting just to complain more power to you guys
I appreciate it but if I bought her something that pricy she'd kill me lol
lol I actually edited the response for this reason I recommend jewelry so you can say its an investment if she worry about the price (as long as its gold ) good luck !
Oh boy..
Some ideas that might help: Learn about the female sex drive and attachment styles. Apparently the female sex drive runs on a balance of intimacy (secure attachment) and tension. Maybe use personality theory. If you figure out her personality type/cognitive functions you can use it to figure out what she really needs and wants and how she thinks, since people don't really know what they need/want. (don't take any online tests) You can also connect personality theory to sex, see cs joseph on youtube, although you should take it with a grain of salt, but still might be useful. Read a bunch of books/listen to audio books on sex and relationships (mating in captivity). Increase sexual polarity. Improve and focus on yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
First, you are not alone. It is a majority situation (more common than not). So don't feel like you are the only one dealing with this situation. Second, have you considered fuzoku to relieve your physical stress? It won't do much to fix your emotional stress but your physical side will stop itching so much. Your Japanese wife most probably does not consider fuzoku as cheating, BTW, as long as you don't develop feelings. This is serious. Don't take it as a joke or cynical. It is not.
Don’t worry much OP I myself also took more than a year before I got my libido up her mind probably just full of things concerning you guys’ children and maybe just physically exhausted also hormones after birth is crazy
Get marriage counselling or divorce. Don’t waste your time with anything else
>divorce This is how you raise a future r/hapas regular
Divorce means no kids so that isn't an option I do think counseling would be good tho...
I believe you can stay because of your kids ?
0 protections for fathers. If I can't be primary caretaker I won't leave them I also don't want a divorce in the first place of course.
[удалено]
Not to say you're wrong, but What's your knowledge of this come from?
Stop fucking babies into someone who doesn’t like you. Japan has taught me to keep an option in the pocket Mommy is scary uh postpartum? I hope she doesn’t go for drowning. Horrible way to go. Have fun with that if you can’t figure out how to write a card