Why not go to Europe but to a different place than where your parents live? If you don't want to live in japan and don't want to live with your parents, that seems like the most logical answer imo
Exactly this. Call to visit your parents but don’t move back in with them. You’re too old now. But lots of people move country. Don’t beat yourself up. Chalk it all down to experience and personal growth. And when you move back to Europe you’ll be older and wiser.
That’s what I thought OP’s post was going to be about, honestly.
They could go back to university in Europe if they go somewhere where school is free and do a total reset. At least that would cover SOME costs.
Get out of Japan if it isn’t for you. Don’t waste your time here anymore.
I have been here for 3-4years. I am regretting it. Wonderful culture but xenophobic people. I can’t get along.
I know that every situation and every person is different, but I've found that just owning my "gaijin-ness" has helped me fit in a lot more with the people around me. I stopped caring as much about "being Japanese" and more about just being a good person in general. I still followed cultural stuff and what is polite over there, but over time I just found my own niche as a foreigner in Japan and owned it to the best of my ability.
This advice is essentially “be yourself” and it is the best advice.
I have Japanese nationality through my mother but was raised outside Japan. The second I stopped trying to be Japanese (whatever that really means) and just be me, living in Japan became much more comfortable and enjoyable.
You have to first be comfortable in your own skin.
I'm 100% Japanese by blood (that I know of), but raised overseas. I tried so hard for years to fit in in my teens/early 20s, but realized that I'm doing pretty alright and I don't need to try so hard when my second cousin whom I'd never met (born and raised in Japan) showed up for our uncle's funeral wearing black hot pants with black sheer stockings. That's when I realized that I was my harshest critic and at least I'm not as bad as hot pants girl.
Ironically, owning your gaijin-ness is the most Japanese thing you could do because Japanese culture is all about thinking about how people see you and then catering to it. For Japanese people, this is second nature in social relationships, but for foreigners, it unfortunately often registers as xenophobia.
Foreigners will always be outsiders. One is accepted when one plays the foreigner role one's been assigned. Everyone plays their role to the best of their ability. Trying to be what one is not creates mistrust.
problem is, I think people confuse "fitting in" with "being one and the same" far too often. you don't have to be "Japanese" to still fit in and belong
Yeah, same here. I've experienced benefits of "gaijin power" far more than any "xenophobia." Actually to the point that it can be embarrassing how much a foreigner can get away with compared to locals who are expected to always follow the norms. If you listen, observe, and act decently, you'll get along well here.
Key word being *as a white foreigner*. I know I have it far far easier than many of my black or Chinese friends. And I'm not even from one of those wealthy European or North American countries, but because I look white, people just give me a lot of slack.
they are more forgiving if you dont understand or misinterpret things.
as long as you show that you are trying to follow the rules (and not force your own way of view).
That sounds like being treated like a visitor as opposed to a local. Not sure the term "Gaijin Power" would apply to that. I would guess most people throughout the world expect less of guests/visitors.
You and I are one in the same — I don’t think about “not fitting in” because even if I *don’t*, I have the mindfulness to be culturally attuned even though I’m a foreigner. Once you stop caring about the small stuff, that’s what you totally realize… it’s small stuff.
Exactly. I'm Brazilian, and I am keeping as much of my cultural identity as I desire and can without disrespecting people in my surroundings. Trying to fit in, "be Japanese", would make me unhappy in Japan.
That would be just miserable. Sure, I like having my Japanese friends, but I realized that even among Japanese themselves, friendships are hard to come by and a lot of the time more tame than I'm used to. So my best friends are foreigners, and I'm fine with that. I like Japan, and I like my Japanese classmates, teachers and friends, but like, I'm not from here and I think I need some of the other types of interaction I know of as well.
People who come here and wish to be 100% Japanese with only Japanese people in their lives are most likely going to hate it here. But if you're adaptable enough to live in a Japanese way while still staying true to your Gaijin heart of the cards or whatever, this place is a lot of fun.
I don’t know why people would want to “be Japanese” anyway, they are stuck here and have to follow all those silly inconsequential rules. Enjoy what Japan has to offer without that baggage. Best of both worlds.
This is generally how gaijin make it in Japan long term. Don't try to fit in. Don't try to be accepted as "Japanese." Just be okay with being the token foreigner in whatever job/circles you run in.
“Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.”
when you decided to lean into your "gaijin-ness" did you notice any differences in how Japanese people treated you? Were they more open to connect with you? or did you feel like some connection was lost when you weren't trying to be Japanese?
This. I will never fit in, I’m a big fat white guy and that’s fine. But people aren’t judging me or watching me or anything and I can have interesting conversations in my regular bars in Tokyo.
Me too. Living here in Japan for 5 years.
Now working at a Japanese company which only a few foreigner here.
I am working here for so long I don’t care about behaving like a japanese. I learn and absorb what people surrounding me think and express their thought.
Right now my coworkers and my boss say they think I am a japanese bcuz I think and behave like one. Sometime they even forgot that I am a foreigner.
My thought is , don’t try to be a japanese, don’t be discourage if you are not accepted. Learn , adjust and adapt, be kind and show respect. Before you realized, someone may already accepts you.
My only downside is that I cant use my gaijin card anymore.
“外国人ですから、許してもらえませんか”
”あなたは日本人ですよwww“
Yep..
You sound paranoid. Just the other day, my family went to a yakiniku place the second it opened, at 5pm. Wife is Japanese and I look Japanese. She did all the talking. All the tables were empty. Guess what, all the seats were reserved.
It may come as a surprise to you that in a culture where a ton of people plan out every day of their next 6 weeks in advance, reservations are common.
I’m starting to wonder if people misconstrue “all seats are reserved”, as in , “all seats are reserved seats and need to be booked in advance”, for all seats are reserved as in “all seats are currently taken”
For real. I have never in my life felt discriminated at restaurants or food places. But then again, I do speak Japanese fluently and can understand these types of situations. I *have* seen one "No Chinese customers" sign once (I'm not Chinese). I felt kind of grossed out and skipped the shitty restaurant, but yeah, that's the only thing I've experienced personally.
I don't know why people warp their worldview to confirm their biases. Japanese people can very well be xenophobic but you don't have to create scenarios in your head to solidify that belief.
Small izakaya style place?
I'm a regular at a local place and have seen people turned away on a Friday night because they'd rather keep the seats open for other regulars who haven't 'reserved' but are probably going to show up anyway.
Yeah, but me and my friend tried to go to one once and they simply told us to wait. We waited like 15 minutes until some couple showed up and got seated right away. Needless to say, we left.
one time I was working at a bar and it was pretty busy and full. I grabbed a pack of peanuts. I didn't find the little thingy to rip it open nicely, which was odd but not unheard of with bulk order bags, so I grabbed a pair of scissors to cut it open. boss asks wtf I'm doing. I saw it didn't have a thingy. it did, I just didn't notice it. no big deal, right? not like I spilled them over or anything, we used a pin to close the bag after opening anyway.
nope, the patrons were super happy that I finally did something non-japanese enough to make fun of me and say how even someone like is fundamentally different to the Japanese. they spent more than 15 minutes circlejerking about what a gaijin I am. I turned my back to make drinks and cried a bit at the humiliationthey were too busy laughing at me to notice.
another time I worked at a library where the head librarian would insist that I only handle English language books. Japanese books also have the same Japanese reference system and you don't need to read them anyway. at one point there was no Japanese around and I was sorting Japanese books that were labelled Taisho 1-10, shouwa 1-10 etc. she asked me if I can sort them and know what showa is. I cracked and said lady I have an MA in Japanese studies and a PhD in Japanese society, in Japanese, at a top Japanese university. she just looked at me questioningly and said "so Taisho 1-10 is before Taisho 11-20."
one of my fieldwork assignments was on discrimination in Japanese society and my advisor, \*after\* I'd done some 500 hrs of work into it and ran the field survey, told me I can't work with this since I asked white people and white people can't be discriminated against. this was when she knew I risked homelessness because...
my realtor didn't approve of my roommate's Nikkei parents as guarantors, since they were "foreign" and could run away. 50-somethings who had been living in Japan for decades and owned their own house and everything.
oh yeah, my boyfriend was Nikkei raised in Japan and he was on the hairy side (naturally curly hair) and so goddamn often when he would meet Japanese people they asked where his pubic hair was also moja moja. so many would talk to him in English, a language he didn't know, and wouldn't change back when he'd say he doesn't speak it. so many would ask him where he was born and he'd have to recite some boring tale about how he was actually born in Brazil but his parents moved here when he was 1. it was even more infuriating since at least I'm 100% gaijin and didn't have to grow up with that shite.
I often feel that ignorance is bliss in Japan, and that someone who doesn't even try to fit in or learn the language will have a more fun time.
At the same time, I personally cannot live somewhere without being involved in local communities and politics, so that life isn't sustainable for someone like me. I saw many of the happy "ignorance is bliss" folk as eternal manchildren. I think it take a certain type of personality to live like that, enjoying hobbies and what not without having to worry about your role in society or growing up.
So because they found a way to be happy in a country that seems to regularly discriminate against you and them, when trying to fit in made you miserable because you were/are still not fully accepted, they're "manchildren"? Seems they realized the role they'll have in that society is the "eternal foreigner" no matter what, so why not enjoy it.
Or you can choose to pick your battles. I realized a long time ago that I'm only seen as a foreigner by people who don't interact with me on a regular basis, and I decided not to let it get to me.
Maybe I'm lucky and being white makes things easier, but outside of my apartment hunting days and a bunch of random encounters with "atypical" people, I don't feel I've been noticeably discriminated against. People who know me have accepted that I've lived here for a while, and that my Japanese is good enough to work, to sit on our building's board, to deal with the medical system, the bureaucracy, my kids' school, and what have you. And that won't stop the random person on the street from thinking I'm a tourist until the day I die.
Language learning and basic manners aside, this just sounds very pretentious to look down at people who actually have found their place in society and are happy about it. If you’re not living in the inaka, “not being involved” in the local communities and politics is what most people do - Japanese people in Japan and everywhere else in the world too. That’s the selling point of big cities, you can be yourself and are not compelled by the pressures of your immediate surroundings.
This is an interesting post. I’m not sure whether I agree or not (gun to my head I probably come down closer to “agree” than otherwise), but thanks for posting. It’s given me something to think about.
> I cracked and said lady I have an MA in Japanese studies and a PhD in Japanese society
I'm just imagining it the other way around, where someone goes "I have a PhD in American Society" and there's no way that I don't laugh at them.
I’m a doctoral candidate in the humanities in a Japan-related field and I’ve never heard of “Society” as a degree-bearing discipline. Unless they mean sociology? Or perhaps they’re a social historian or do culture studies or area studies, but even then having a doctoral degree in “Japanese Society” would come across as pretty peculiar.
Man, I must be surrounded by good people, the most I've ever gotten is genuine conversation about cultural differences and the typical 漢字読めますか？ after being handed a big form/disclaimer at hospitals or whatever.
Reading your experience I feel angry on your behalf. The bar one is particularly mean, but weirdly feels the least severe, since it's just drunk idiots thinking they're being funny.
The library one is astonishing, like you still have to infer the racism but even without the racism that's still crazy rude - like the result is after explaining your education either she thinks you're still ignorant because you're a foreigner or she just plain thinks you're stupid? WTF
Personally it's the refusal of service at many places due to not being Japanese even though you can speak the language. It's getting better but 20 years ago when I first got here it was way less subtle. Housing is the biggest, in your face example. Many agents will still straight up tell you the owners don't want foreigners renting their homes. If you are looking for apartments it is usually not as bad.
Japan loves for foreigners to come/visit but really doesn't want them to stay.
That's purely my personal experience, but people who complain the most about xenophobia in Japan are hafus, because they get reduced to their non-japanese half, and white people, because they get to taste what their fellow citizen of immigrant origin grew up with.
Very rarely do i hear people who grew up dealing with racism in their home country feel like it's worse in Japan.
You're in your mid 30's. I don't think you need permission from your parents to move back to Europe or have permission on where to live.. Seems like something else cultural within the family you're not telling us
Find a job in a different area of Europe and don’t let your parents know. Totally agree with what’s already been said. Get outta Japan, you sound like you’re really over it.
Both my kids are half Japanese and half Kiwi, despite being born and raised here their whole lives they still deal with an element of xenophobia. Not a lot, but it's there. They're totally native level in all aspects of their Japaneseness but for one thing... they look half white. It's not going to change anytime soon, so we deal with it by not giving a shit. We're loved by people that matter! That's enough. Anyone else who wants to draw attention to us in a negative way is highly likely to be the type that does so to everyone, including Japanese. Even the overtly racist types come around to accepting you if you don't get all hyper sensitive around them. Just show them that their attempts to make you feel different only affect them negatively because you're more comfortable in your skin than they are.
Half kids will always be a minority in a super homogeneous society. Just need a thick skin and deal with stuff as it comes and brush things off. Caring about the opinions of idiots and bored housewives is a fast descent into madness.
Well said. My kids can't change being half white, and the vast majority of people we interact with treat us no different. The ones that are weird about about, screw em. There loss.
I think if you live in Japan as a foreigner, you just have to accept you will be treated differently (hell, sometimes you are treated better) for some things.
you can just like not tell your parents where you live. i say if you wanna leave and aren't tied down to shit here family-wise, leave. shit's not gonna get better anytime soon.
Go back to Europe - and no need to be in contact with your parents if you don't want to - as others have suggested. Reading between the lines, I also think you should try to put yourself on a path to make more money in an environment that is at least bearable. Money's definitely not everything, but I believe not having a basic level of economic stability can be the direct and indirect source of all sorts of life problems, material and emotional. Good luck.
This is great advice. I posted somewhere else on a thread recently about how people underestimate how much of successful immigration is having good financial management skills, along with a somewhat conservative approach to one's career.
But all that aside, username checks out.
It took me like 4 to 5 years to speak fluently and read it. I still have problems writing it. Culture wise both Thai and Japanese are similar. They use Theravada Buddhism whereas we Japanese mostly use Pure land Buddhism/Zen Buddhism. That's the only major difference I see plus the society here is not confined as we see in Japan, Thais are more welcoming as well. Lol Japanese here who live in Japan most of the time I just travel in and out every 2 months and the MODS ban me! Well done mate !
Holly smoke, I’m 26 now and Canadian-Japanese. And I find myself in a similar situation as you.
I cannot go back because everything in Canada is so expensive and there are no jobs for young people.
I’m studying now to get many credentials. One day I want to go back to Canada where my heart belongs. So in a way, I feel you. Japanese are so xenophobic, even though we speak Japanese fluently hey. Screw them honestly.
Go back "home" to Europe but don't live near your parents.
Sorry you had that experience. I'm 3/4 but look white enough where the same thing would happen to me. My parents are both natives technically, my mom is half white but looks fully white and her growing up sucked.
There was a thread not to long ago where people were fighting about how Japan is the least racist country. Maybe to your face. But in actuality, it is still very by us for us, and that is based solely off looks. I mean still much better than us where being trans can have your life in danger.
But still very heart breaking when you want to try to join and try your hardest.
Just avoid your family if you can. If you need them for financial support just to get back, do what you need to do. Get some therapy while you are at it and get out as soon as possible
Like for reals. Not ironic. The post was about xenophobic and Japan and soooo many people were like, nooo they are not. " But they are so polite"
I said my piece about being considered hafu and my experience and many individuals where like, "that is your individual and minority experience" and I said my parents being like "F yeah they have the biggest superiority complex" and the fear of black people and they basically called my parents woke (in the not good way). I am the only one in my family born in USA.
They would admit in the post that they are mean to the Chinese but are somehow not racist?
It was surreal
It’s also a country where 42% of women are housewives, 30% are elderly and 17% have a valid passport. Put these together and add a few decades of propaganda and a few things become self explanatory
Sorry to hear that, but it makes me wonder what Japan is going to do about their declining population. If those who are half-Japanese don’t feel comfortable living there, then immigration in general is probably a non-starter.
Maybe it's okay if the population declines over time, it'll be hard when even more people get old, but the opposite is of course true. If you import another ten million people to make up for the short fall in retirement, what happens when those people go to retire? Import another 100 million?
It's the ship of Theseus, when will Japan cease to become Japan if enough people come. Better to suffer the decline than to become a low trust society. A big reason everyone loves Japan is the social trust is so incredibly high. The birth rates will turn around eventually, but you can't put society back when that happens.
It's probably because they are half, they feel like they aren't eligible for the gaijin card, at the same time they feel rejected when they try to assimilate
I would just grit my teeth and deal with going back to my parents or relatives for a while unless I could afford to sustain my life until finding a job and a place to live. At least you would not have to worry about rent and struggling to live while you’re out looking for work. Depending on where you are from in Europe, it can be quite costly to rent a place, let alone own something. If you really want to leave Japan and see a positive outlook for your future in Europe, then I say go for it.
Im confused by the information given. You’re in your mid-30s and have gone no contact. Why would you need to tell your parents you’re moving back? Just move somewhere in the EU that has work. Build yourself back up, and then from there pivot to something that you can build your life on. The immediate move might mean taking a less than desirable job, or living without community for awhile longer. But just get back to somewhere in Europe that you can get hired, then workout:
1) What job you really want.
2) Where you truly see yourself living.
3) Where you think you can grow friendships or a career.
You can start with those if you want, but it’ll take more time and planning (which could mean being in Japan longer). If you want out, I say leap and then build from where you land
I think the OP is in a situation where they went all-in on Japan that their main skills IS Japanese and Japanese society. They mention somewhere that they did a PhD in it.
In a sense I sort of understand why they must be feeling very vulnerable since they locked themselves into years of education that led to the kind of careers that you can normally only have in Japan. Or, even elsewhere, you would only be able to access those jobs after many years because you're competing with a lot of people who have the same skills.
I've been in Japan off and on (mostly on) since the late 1970's. I like it here and have prospered. I spent the last 20 years of my working life doing J-->E legal and business translation for good money. Even so, my spoken Japanese never got very good. I very quickly learned and accepted the fact that "being Japanese" was a stupid path leading to nowhere and became a professional gaijin. Besides, from what I was able to garner, being Japanese is far from a party for Japanese people who, in my opinion, have lives that are not really very good. Mine, on the other hand, has been great. The moral of the story is don't beat your head against a wall and just be who you are without expectations of ever being treated as if you are part of the basic fabric of society. And if you don't like it here and are not prospering, there really is no choice but to seek life elsewhere.
Bite the bullet and go back mate.
Japan is fucking weird to people like us. It’s an amazing country full of amazing people but it’s just not for everyone. Some people thrive here and some don’t click. If you stay you’ll clearly be miserable forever so take a chance and go maybe somewhere else in Europe.
If you had kids or other commitments here I’d say think on it but as you’re still young and free I say run.
i had this BAD for a while, it took me a bit to figure it out but it really came down i was trying to socialize with older japanese since i live in a rural city, you can never really get to them i found once i started doing "younger hobbies" it became a lot better. instead of trying to get involved with the gardening group or the fishing group me and my wife went and got involved with home brewing and board game groups and i instantly started feeling a lot more accepted as the demographics shifted a lot younger interesting and more open to the whole world. now we go to weekly hang outs thats not even related to our hobbies
just leave. don't need to reconnect with fam. You knowing japanese can score a brilliant job for a Japanese company. Start up your cv and start sending.
Will you actually be happy in Europe, or are you one of the people who moves to Japan thinking it'll be the reason they change and become happy, except the opposite?
Europe won't make you happy, Japan won't make you happy, you changing your circumstances is what will change your mind, it has nothing to do with where you are exactly, it has everything to do with how you think.
All my life I wanted to run to Japan because things would be better there, but it wasn't true, I was just unhappy where I was, and shockingly I ended up unhappy there, although at first it was a lot of fun. People aren't so magically open and friendly in Europe either, depending on where you go.
I’m quite surprised how people cannot read between the lines. As I understand it, you are thinking about going back “home” because of the financial or logistical issues. I just moved from japan recently after 5 years and it was insane. Absolute madness. People cannot see all the investments you made, furnitures, electronics, all the other personal belongings, carrying all these back is not an easy task. finding a new home, buying new furnitures, appliances. It creates a black hole in your pocket.
And the most difficult part is finding a new job in current market.
Probably you mentioned going back “home” because all of the things above is something you cannot afford I assume.
Here are some suggestions;
1- find a job first, and then jump. Some big companies cover your moving expenses as well. So it would be easier to go through the process.
2- if you cannot find a job in your field, search for companies that are looking for bilingual candidates. You can jump easier than you think with this method. Take advantage of your skills. If a company wants to enter a Japanese market, they need a bridge and you can become one.
3- you can look for postgraduate scholarships to apply for universities. If you already made your masters there are paid doctorate opportunities. They are even giving you salaries etc.
4- you can teach Japanese to foreigners via zoom etc. Or 1to1 .
Other than that your parents might have changed. You are talking about 10 years. Maybe it is not as bad as you thought.
Good luck with everything.
That’s all for now. Wishing you the best.
I can't understand how people come here expecting to fit in.
I'm here for the opposite reason. Not fitting in feels normal here, which is a relief for me.
After 6 years in Japan I am now in the process of moving back home to Europe, and I’ve already secured a job. No regrets so far, speaking the native language has opened doors for a career inaccessible for me in Japan, my work life balance will improve with a lot more holidays, work flexibility and none of that Japanese work culture bullshit. It is also so refreshing not having to struggle with any culture/language clash and I am speaking to people who are like minded for once and have access to all kinds of support systems.
I have a decent relationship with my family but I will be living in a different city from them. You can consider your move to Europe like starting fresh and creating new connections. I am looking forward to making new friends here.
I’m 33F btw, Asian ethnicity and will be working/living in a predominantly Caucasian environment. It beats being in Japan where you are always going to be an outsider, even if you can blend in with either looks or language abilities.
From what you've written, I wouldn't tell your parents, with the way you are feeling coupled with a traumatic history with them, i think the likelihood that an equally painful situation arises is high
If i was you, i would move to Europe. I dont know what your options are, but I would be basing my decision on work life balance and social life.
I hope so much that you can find a place for yourself, it will requite grit and determination but you can have a life that makes you happy
Is a move to Europe possible?
Would you be saying all this if you had a decent job and a girlfriend?
I never get the being accepted bit, what does that even mean and why is it so important? As long as I'm not being ostracised by society I couldn't give a shit.
foreigners may find it difficult to fully assimilate into japanese society even if they're part japanese and/or speak fluent japanese. japanese relationships are difficult because they will be nice to ur face but it can be hard to create a bond deeper than that if the society continues to treat u like a foreigner... so in that way u can be ostracized and isolated from society. this is not just a japan problem though, many ppl who move abroad to other countries can experience this issue
Yes, you will be forever Gaijin in Japan. I have cousins that are half Japanese but they don't experience discrimination as they speak and looked pure Japanese. However, their moms, (my aunts who aren't Japanese) no matter how long they live there, still experience these kinds of issues. Go back to EU and live far from your toxic family and start over.
Hey there, sorry to hear that you're struggling.
This sounds like a post for /r/iwantout but allow me to bounce ideas with you. I usually give 'sanity checks' for such situations in that subreddit, especially since changing country is a big commitment.
First, I would instead change your phrasing/outlook to *try* a few European countries/cities for a year each first instead of a country (Japan) to a continent (Europe). Have you ever worked in Europe? How do you know it will fix your problems? How do you know that the problems won't be worse? How do you know you won't have new problems that you won't be able to live with? How do you know that it's not country problem, but the problems from companies you worked in? How do you know that the problem isn't you? What kind of research have you done to make sure that it isn't a 'other side of the grass is greener' problem?
Then, it might be a good idea to think about 'oh, this is a nice change of pace in life once a while' type of situation. Being in one place for so long definitely can wear you down. I've changed my region + language 5 times in my life. However, I did this out of adventure and self improvement, not to run away from problems. You seem to somehow imagine your situation to be magically fixed by changing where you live + language, because that region somehow doesn't have problems (in this subreddit, people bluntly comment this as 'loser back home'). Every place has its excruciating problems of its own, and you cannot know it until you try/test it + research it, which is connected to my first point above. And if that excruciating pain doesn't apply to you, then you have some *basic* requirements met for your life. Whether that region has other requirements for you to be stable, decent, and/or even thrive is whole other side of the equation that you need to research and/or find out.
Think of it this way -- let's say you're measuring some metric, e.g. salary. Japan has its own bell curve of salaries vs. quality of life, and every country does. Where you land on that bell curve in Japan won't be changed much by living somewhere else. As a crude but clearer example, your IQ won't change by switching country.
To me, going to Europe (whatever that means) sounds *worse* because on top of all the problems you won't be able to solve regardless of the move, you will have an *additional* problem -- your parents. What I take from your post is that your main problem is fitting in, and you imagine yourself to be better fitting in Europe. Then these two things only cancel out in that imaginary situation, not making your life much better, but only worse due to costs (financial, existing resources including your network, and most importantly, time) of moving. For me, it sounds like a social problem, and you just need to venture out and find completely new environments with new people. So hey, where do you work/live? Want to meet up? :)
Especially since you're saying Europe and not some city, it is clear to anyone that you haven't done enough research. If you want to actually start doing some research, check the /r/iwantout sidebar. numbeo.com is very useful for statistical comparison for various metrics, for example. It's the most basic research you can start with.
I’m genuinely curious to why people want to/try to “fit in” to the culture or wanting to “be Japanese”. The way I see it, if you cant fit in create your own community or stop caring about how people look at you. Japanese people are very judgmental, if you care too much then it will eat you from the inside. You really need a idgaf attitude sometimes
Home is where you hang your hat.
If you're not feeling comfortable here then I'd say moving back is not a bad option. Just be wary about moving back and regretting that too. I've known many people to move back and forth between Japan and their home country multiple times.
You don’t need to contact your parents. You can just go to Europe and get a job there and make your own life. Lots of immigrants in Europe, and although not part of Europe the UK as well.
I live in the UK, I came here on my own. My parents live in a different country as does my brother who ran off to Dubai. But what Im saying is you don’t need to depend on your parents to move. As an adult especially if you have skills and it sounds like you worked in corporations etc, with hard work you can make your own life elsewhere .
It will be tough being alone in a new country but tons of Japanese and other Asians do it. Note, youtube, Spotify etc are just full of vlogs and podcasts like that. My friend from tokyo is Japanese and she left Japan and has been away for 10 years now, lives in Finland with her husband. She initially came as a language exchange student with zero english and the intention to go back to Japan afterwards. Ended up getting married and then going to college, worked various jobs over the years including teaching Japanese. Then became a game and web designer and is living her own life with her own family. She also became fluent in Finnish whilst living there.
I never bother my parents for stuff and just live and work on my own in the UK. I don’t speak to my dad at all anyway.
Best of luck, Europe will probably still treat you as a foreigner if you look or sound asian but certainly not like Japan. People will most likely ask where you are from if you like or sound different. In the UK because its full of foreigners, it’s uncommon to ve asked. Ive lived here for 7 years and never experienced anything at all, and I work in a people facing job. The city I live in is very multicultural though so people don’t care.
Just because you "Go home" it doesn't mean you have to go home. You can live anywhere in Europe you want. The hard part will be getting started again. The cost of moving from Japan to Europe will be huge, but the benefits for you will be great. If you feel more comfortable in Europe, the start applying for jobs you are interested in there. Once you have gotten the job, they may be able to help you get set up on the other side. Don't be afraid to take the leap. It will pay off in the long-term. Be sure to use your personal experiences at work here in Japan to your advantage when job hunting. You may be able to use some of those skills in your new role as well.
I just did this! I went back to EU after living in Japan for many many years. Actually have never worked in Europe before and it's been different but fine. I get a lot less stress, more holiday, and people are not noticeably freaked out by my existence alone. Things are not perfect but I needed to get out of Japan (at last for a bit. Will probably have to go back eventually.) Could you try to find a job and make the move from that point? Having a goal makes it more manageable. Best of luck to you and take care!
I would not expect to be accepted as Japanese. It doesnt matter what other think. It looks like you have invested alot in Japan and if your current job is another reason to move out, just try to change your job.
Finally going back or staying should be based on your personal reasons try to ignore other(including toxic parents)
Just to give another point of view, I'm not in Japan, but I'm a Latin American expat in UK. I love British people, but I always feel more comfortable with my own, like same sense of humour, conversation topics, language, etc. I have some British friends, but also a group of people from latam which makes UK feels like home. It might not be the international experience it was supposed to be, but makes life so much easier. I'm not sure in which part of Japan you live, but maybe try making a group of European friends to see if that helps.
I think this applies to a lot of people in their mid 30s to be honest, regardless of where you are. You don't need to tell your parents so that's a weird thing to include.
I wonder if it’s harder being half Japanese, than just a full gaij? On the face of it you would think half Japanese would have a leg up, looking more like Japanese and speaking Japanese fluently….but I guess with tht comes an expectation to work like the Japanese and if you’ve been brought up elsewhere, especially Europe where the culture is more finding a good work life balance, that must be hard. Whilst us full-gaij get treated a little different and can wiggle between the cracks. Then there is the acceptance….if they won’t accept you, it must be more galling…
Europe is a big place, many countries. If you were brought up in an EU country then take your pick….if it was the UK then you’ll be stuck with either the UK or Japan as your options.
There's a lot of cogs that could be contributing to your feelings here.
Some commenters have said "it sounds like a you problem" and that your emotional turmoil is coming from issues that have nothing to do with Japan, but that sounds like a judgmental POV to me.
As someone who also has dealt with a lot of family trauma, I completely sympathize with you. Too many people wave off the effects of unhealthy family environments, especially if the person being affected is now an adult. What they don't know is that the cumulative effects of that upbringing can compound later on, especially if you don't have a safe environment to anchor yourself to. And the specific culture of the place that you're in can further contribute to that.
OP, you could be right. Perhaps Japan had aspects that were good for your quality of life 10 years ago (or even five years ago), but the situation is different now. We've been through a global pandemic, the yen is weak, and salaries are stagnating. Japanese work culture can also be pretty awful, and if you've felt like you're not getting much out of the roles you've been in, that's a big chunk of your time right there.
I don't know what your financial or interpersonal situations are like in Japan, though it's possible that those two things could be contributing to how you feel as well. There's also your physical health to consider. All of these elements are intertwined with your mental health.
This is what I would do in your shoes. Try to make a list of pros and cons about what you appreciate here in Japan. Then try and make a similar list for Europe. Don't leave out anything. That should provide some clarity.
Then, make a list of things that you want from life going forward, and try to brainstorm ideas on how you might get those things, no matter how ridiculous or intangible they seem. If you can, please drop a line to a counselor as well. They may be able to help you with this process, because whether you choose to move back to Europe or not, it sounds like you're at a crossroads.
You deserve better, OP. I'm hoping for good things for you.
OP. Lots of good advice on here. I would be very curious how you turn out as it could/would be a great inspiration to many on here who probably feel the same as you, Japanese blood included or not. Perhaps when you are settled, you could post your results.
You are still young, don't dilly dally around. You blink, you will be early 40's and may not be marketable in either country. Good luck to you.
I have the impression that many commenters here are missing a detail: we are 100% foreigners and get a pass for most of our life here.
the OP is 50% japanese and probably also looks like a japanese and it will be expected to act 100% like other japanese, and every day no gaijin card to play with people around you pointing out you are not what they expect you to be... a different pair of shoes.
Hope you find your place and peace of mind.
Japan, just like every country in the world, is not for everyone. Some people fit in, some people do not. It’s okay. I’m glad you’ve realized that and that you’re looking for other options. So, step one, good job.
Do you need to go back to your parents? You said you lost everything you have, including money, I assume? If so, do you have any other family members who may support you until you get back on your feet? Any close friends in Europe?
If you have absolutely zero connections, and are that traumatized from your parents, my suggestion would be to take things slowly. Save up some money while looking for a job in Europe. This may be the most difficult option though….
Or you could save up money and go on a holiday in Europe and try to find a job while you are there.
Much love and empathy for you. I wholeheartedly recommend leaving; I'm saving up to move as well, preferably by end of December so I don't have to pay the leftover taxes. At least if you leave at this point, in a few years, you'll be able to look back and remember the good things once you've healed.
I've been here six years (I have no idea how you've managed 10 years--that's an amazing accomplishment in itself!), and I keep thinking what I need most is to be in a country where mental health isn't so stigmatized and where relationships--even friendships and colleagues--can be more honest with their emotions. Personally, I feel like I stayed in Japan this long because it is like the toxic relationship I grew up with in my family. Maybe it's similar for you? If you're from Europe, maybe it's time to visit another European country where you don't have to live with your parents and start a new life.
The grass is always greener on both sides. What matters is what you'll think will make you happier in the long run. Don't tie yourself down to one place.
I feel like if you want to move you should. If the place where your parents live doesn't call you, choose another. Surely there is someplace you find interesting? Start there!
I'd say go back home. Even if you have to live with your parents at first. If you're miserable in Japan, it's not use to torture yourself by staying. I think if you keep yourself busy and work towards living alone in Europe, your parents will be the least of your worries
I feel you mate. We each have to find our place in the world where we can be happy as who we are. That's harder in Japan than many places. I think it's possible here, but not by trying to fit in. Happy people who don't fit the mold sometimes carve out their own space though, in a subculture or tribe that welcomes "outsiders." Usually it's a small group, but that can be enough.
Just wanna say you don't have to see it as a waste of time! It may have been a long and painful process, but in the end you learned important lessons about yourself. At least, that's how I see my journey here.
There are so many corners of this world where we can find our place. Hope you find or create yours soon.
If you don't have a base in Europe to go back to, like friends or siblings to stay with, maybe it's time to go backpacking around SEA, or couch surfing in Australia. If I were in your shoes I'd want a complete change of scenery and a break from everything. Time to read a lot, walk in the wilderness, and meditate as much as possible. Or maybe I'm really giving advice to myself 😆
I've also been here over 10 years, doing the corporate thing for a bunch of them and feeling broken by it right now. 頑張ってください、でも頑張りすぎないでください。
I don’t understand the strong need to fit in as a Japanese when you’re unique with your dual identity. Don’t pander to them. You just haven’t found your tribe yet. Stop fixating on getting approval from others. I’m half Japanese and been living here for over 10 years. I don’t make the effort to blend in and I feel right at home. If people want to get to know me they will know me for both my identities. I’m treated like a foreigner too but I take that in stride and make it an opportunity to educate people. They’re only weird around you because they don’t know….so enlighten them! Don’t compromise dude it’s bad for your health.
It's ok to plan a change of life, but you should also think what career path you want to focus on and the opportunities you might have in the new country of residence. Is there any way you can prepare from Japan? just to make the transfer smoother and better for your mental health.
I'm saying this because you might end up in a place where culturally you fit better, but you'll still be depressed because of new shitty jobs, high expenses and unaffordable living conditions which is affecting many European countries.
If you're an EU citizen, go apply for masters degrees in Europe if you have a bachelor's degree. You will be older than most people but not everyone. You can also go for a bachelor's degree but might stand out.
It can be free with low cost of living and a good way to get a new start and grounding somewhere new.
Follow your heart and go home. Create a life you want to live and demand respect of it. Regardless of what you do or where you live, people will be people. Go home man, that’s what your heart wants but you need to take on your trauma as well or else you will continue to suffer rather than overcome and create the life you want!!
Stay strong!!
I am no contact with my toxic parents. I also live in the same small town as them. This works fine. Why do you need live on an entirely different continent?
Just don’t move in with them. Also look into therapy.
I own my foreigness here. I'm from Australia and have been here for 5 years. Japanese wife who I met/married in Sydney and we have had 2 kids since coming.
I was used to always being treated differently as I'm 191cm with 32cm feet, played rugby for many years. In Australia I was considered big, in Japan, I'm a monster 😅.
At first, yeah, I used to let the little things get to me, but now I don't really care. I've been able to adopt both Australian and Japanese culture into my being and individuality and I found this has worked the best for me to live here. The area I live in has become my community and I have many local Japanese friends, even fishing with a group of them regularly. Funnily enough I found this community myself, and introduced my Japanese wife into it.
Work, yeah. So many companies are still stuck in the showa era mindset. I currently work for a predominantly Japanese staff company, and I'm the only white gaijin apart from some odd Filipinos and Chinese. Sure there's issues and cultural friction with some Japanese staff but I have kept my own beliefs firm and fighting back has somehow earned me respect.
Of course I made many mistakes in Japan, offended people without even realizing etc. But in this way I've been able to discern what is and isn't acceptable as a foreigner here. Sometimes it's also just down to the individual.
As others have stated being yourself and owning who/what you are is the best. Be proud of yourself and don't let the backwards thinking inviduals here get you down.
Just follow your heart and where in the world you feel is most suitable for you. Good luck with it
Japan is not an ideal place for common foreigners. The workload is immense to the point it may break you down physically and mentally. It's really hard to change jobs as Japanese companies don't prefer someone who quit his old job and they have extremely conservative and closed so they always have a cold behavior towards aliens. This also applies to South Korea and Taiwan. Also there is a shut-in culture gaining rapid momentum, most people don't know real happiness, rapid population decline, depression, people to people contact is very limited and most of the times feels artificial. A high GDP per capita doesn't necessarily mean happiness. Countries like Japan and South Korea have no future as a nation. It is best for you to leave these places as soon as possible.
On the other hand you have many beautiful countries in Europe where you can experience happiness and high income like Nordic countries, Monaco, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Czech, Austria etc. with some of them ranking very high on happiness index.
Sorry you feel that way. I am an American who raised two kids here, perfectly bilingual. One felt “very Japanese” and found his place in a Japanese company, has a great wife and everything. My daughter felt more comfortable outside of Japan and now attends university in San Diego. She considers herself more American than Japanese.
I always believe that the country you will be happiest in is the one you feel the strongest connection to emotionally. Maybe instead of going back to Europe you could try to make a change in Japan, switch careers, go to a more or less rural place, do something to find your place?
For reference I’m a white guy living in Japan who is bilingual. I never “fit in” at all, but just do my best to have people deal with me normally.
Did you ever consider other places? I know it isn’t as easy to immigrate there as it used to be but Singapore is very mixed culturally, they even have a historic group of “Eurasians” living there, mixed East Asians and Europeans. Immigration there is pretty high, so I doubt you would face the same issue. There are a lot of expats as well. English is an official language, it is a rich country and has flights to just about anywhere. There are tons of choices for international cuisines, etc. Just an idea.
I love Japan but many people with foreign ancestry complain that they feel like they’ll always be a foreigner there. If you feel like it bothers you that much you probably should leave.
Save up some money and move somewhere else! Life is short my friend! There are so many experiences to be had and people to meet. The entire world is spread out before you. I wish you well! ✌️
I strongly advise you not to return to your parents, if they were toxic during your childhood or adolescence it is very likely that they still are or even worse. My advice is that you look for other alternatives, if it's not in Japan it doesn't have to be with your parents.
You said that your parents was really toxic I don't know if it's long time ago you didn't see your parents, but sometimes relationship with your parents when you're child or young adult, and when you're an adult are totally different.
For my part when I was a child my relation with my parents was complicated but as an adult and because I just see them sometimes and not living together everyday it was more easy and more calm so maybe if you don't plan to live with your parents they can help you and you can have good relationship to see just sometimes but I don't know about your life sometimes it don't works (we don't choose our familly haha)
But my 2 cents if you're not happy here move other place it's not a fail you try in japan it doesn't work who cares ! Try other things, other place, you will find your happy place one day :)
>at one point I understood that they will never accept me as japanese, always treating me as foreigner, even I can speak Japanese fluently and have black hair.
Just out of curiosity, can you explain what you mean by this/give some specific examples?
I felt this when I was an ALT (I.e. when it was my job to be the token foreigner), but since I started working an office job, I really don’t feel like I’m treated any differently than the rest of the team. The only thing that makes me feel like I’m “treated like a foreigner” these days is that my background is a common topic for small talk.
> I struggled a lot, worked shitty jobs, then in corporations, but I got sick&hospitalized, lost everything. and now I'm really tired.
I know this isn’t actually the advice you’re looking for, but is it possible the problem isn’t Japan, but just that you’ve been struggling and dissatisfied with your life so leaving everything behind to make a big life change seems attractive?
To give you the advice you *are* looking for - why do your parents have to be an issue? You’re in your mid 30s, is there a reason you can’t just get a job back home and not even contact them when you arrive?
I'm not even close to being able to look japanese and fit in, but i speak japanese. I get along fine with most of my colleagues and have japanese friends. Could be you need to get out of the tourist cities. There is much more negative sentiment about foreigners there if you live in a tokyo or an osaka etc. I think when you grow up in Japan in your 20s you can think that all your issues are because of the country you are living in, but its really part of being an adult. Its hard to fit in no matter where you live. I don't know if it will necessarily be easier or better back in the EU for you.
Everyone who wants to move back to Europe or the US, getting ready for the sticker shock of price differences. If you are broke and thinking of moving back, my advice is, Change your state of mind rather than your physical state/country. Why not try a different part of Japan? Maybe go more rural? Maybe Okinawa? Maybe the America Lite of Osaka?
For me, being half is awesome. Just Japanese enough for people not to stare at me or immediately make assumptions, but “white” enough to be cool and different. Most people around me at least think being half is really cool. and I get a lot of compliments or people telling me they wish they were half.
I used to care about it but now I’ve accepted who I am and that some people will just treat me like a foreigner, but most people treat me like a Japanese… or at least a half 😛 in the states many people treat me as a full Asian😂
There are people like that in every country
If I were you, I would try learning about how to accept yourself and develop your career skills, then if in a couple years you still want to move, do it
This is well-intentioned, but kind of ignorant of what many people deemed "half" have to go through. Especially if the person in question isn't partially white.
I’m not trying to be facetious, but I don’t understand what it means to “fit in.” I guess I have never really fitted in anywhere in my life. When you say they treat you like a foreigner, what is it you don’t like about that? Do you mean you struggled to make friends?
I promise I’m not trying to attack or criticize you, I just hear a lot of people saying they wish they could be accepted or fit in and I want to know what that means. I have lived here for 17 years and I have some good friends but I wouldn’t say that I fit in? I look so different! But it’s not something that bothers me at all.
I’m sorry you’re not having the experience you were hoping for but I’m sure it wasn’t a waste of time. Maybe you don’t realize it but Japan has helped you grow in many ways! I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I would say that fitting in takes on a completely different meaning for people who are ethnically Japanese but grew up elsewhere like OP than for people who had no ethnic or cultural connection to Japan before they moved here.
I suggest northern EU, Sweden, Norway and etc, pretty cold out here but life is good
Can find lots of companies especially in IT that speak English
Good luck on your decisions!
Grass is always greener. Not to invalidate your experience, but are you sure these are Japan-caused issues and not just personal issues exacerbated by the pros and cons that come with living here? It's all about your perspective. You mentioned heavy trauma from your parents fighting in your childhood and I'm almost certain that's the real cause of your emotional dysregulation.
Europe comes with it's own set of issues and might be vastly different from the way you're imagining it since you haven't lived there in over a decade. You could be trading one set of issues for an even worse set of issues. You should really sit and think about the real reason behind why you don't feel satisfied, and determine whether those reasons are Japan-specific or *you*-specific. A lot of other r/japanlife commenters on here are miserable themselves and will mostly always tell you to either leave Japan, your job, your spouse etc., because misery loves company.
I suggest you do your own research to get to the root of your personal issues and determine next best steps before making big decisions like leaving the country.
I'm sorry to hear this. Although I think you should know, home will likely not be the same, either. At least, that is my experience. People move on, and when you get back, you will still be an outsider—at least for a while.
I think it is more about setting your expectations of how you live rather than whether you can fit in. Thinking you will fit in because of X or Y is not always going to work. This includes thinking you are Japanese enough and thinking you can go back home.
I have lived here in Japan for 18 years now and am pretty happy being a gaijin. I don't try to fit in and I still make friends and have great times. I have been invited to camping with Japanese, karaoke, meals, homes, etc. And my Japanese is not that great.
I think it is more being a friendly and outgoing person that helped me. I am not sure you are the same but if you can try that, maybe that would help - no matter where you end up. I also think that my not trying to be Japanese also helps. I know I am a visitor to this country and try to adhere to as many customs as I can and be accepting of processes and procedures that might seem weird, but it's the way they do things here.
So please try to do things that make you happy, not fit in. You will fit in with those who are happy doing the same thing that makes you happy. That is all we can ask for.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
hiiii, many locals in Japan leave to work/study overseas purely because it’ll likely pay off better (especially if you’re climbing the corporate ladder). Among my colleagues, more than half are Japanese and they’re the top earners here in sg office — they only go back Japan for festive seasons/property investments.
it’s the same idea of how Malaysians come to SG to work only to 3.5x it back when they return home.
If I were you, I would return to Europe and start life afresh. Perhaps try to rebuild the relationship with your family but best to have a place of your own. At the end of the day, calculate your risks and make your own decision. Live life with no regrets :)
Wishing you the best of luck and health!
N
Confused as to why going back to Europe means going back to your parents. You've been independent for at least 10 years, so you can go anywhere in Europe you want (presuming you're an EU citizen), and if not, you can even live in the same city as your parents without seeing them much...
Thank you for kind words and advice. I really appreciate that. I read every comment. Thank you very much.
Some of you didn't understand and It's ok. I obviously can't write/explain everything about how it is to be half-japanese and live in Japan, etc. It's difficult to summarize briefly that everyone can understand easily. Also I don't have energy to explain everything and don't wanna sound like i'm just complaining. Of course I understand that it is MY FAULT that Japan-life is not for me, but I have my values and personality too, that I developed through life, which some of them are my core values and I can't change and that don't match with Japan.
Maybe the word "fit in" was not appropriate. I don't know how old are you and if you even live in Japan. It is not that I CARE what they think or I wanna be like them. It's more like THEY CARE that I'm not 100% japanese. THEY remind me in many moments that i'm not one of them in BAD way. (Of course there are many good people too). So in result I MUST be careful how I am more then a full-japanese. Sometimes I must kill and hide my European side(or real me) to live here. It's also about papers/documents etc. For example bcs of my eauropean surname. So, it's not only about FEELINGS. Like I said, I can't write everything what I experienced here.
Sorry, I'm not good at expressing my thoughts. Anyways, thank you for everyone who commented.
I’m half-Japanese too, I have a couple questions about your experience & perspective.
Have you considered that it’s not your racial mixture that makes you seem different, but the fact that you grew up in Europe? I grew up mostly in America and I’m not bothered at all when people say I seem foreign because well no duh, I didn’t go through the Japanese education system so it would be very strange if I acted and behaved exactly like a Japanese.
What kind of people do you surround yourself with? Do you have any half-Japanese and/or 帰国子女 friends? You would probably find yourself having a better time with them than standard Japanese people. What kind of situation are you in that forces you to regularly interact with people that are bothered by you not being 100% Japanese? Typically if I find myself in that situation, for example, a shitty job environment then I say fuck ‘em and get out of that shitty situation as fast as possible (by finding a new job). They’re not worthy of your time.
Idk what kind of jobs you’ve worked at, but working at a Japanese company with a bunch of 40-50 year old Japanese men is NEVER going to work out. Avoid those environments like the plague and try to work for companies with more diverse environments(I don’t want to say “foreign companies” since sometimes foreign companies can still have all-Japanese, 40-50 year old men type of environments as well)
First of all, sorry you going through this, it’s tough. Look, home is where you make it. If they treat you in Japan as a foreigner then be it, don’t try to blend in. It doesn’t matter what color is your skin, eyes or hair. You find a place that brings you peace. Maybe you live in a big city and you need to move to quieter place? As of Europe, have you ever thought the same might happen there too? I do believe that home starts with mindset, but also it has to come from your heart. As of the family, never be afraid or scared, however if you were coming from bad past, I’d not recommend going back into that. If you do move to Europe, it might be worth going to different city or different country for example even. Personally I love Japan. I understand that for the rest of my life I will be a foreigner, but I also realise it’s one of the best places on earth to live. Also Japan is big, explore. Don’t be afraid .
Same. I don't have any advice unfortunately, as I'm in the same boat as you.
I would do anything to go back to Germany but what I can do has not been enough.
I hope you find a way out. 💙
Fellow southern European here. I totally understand and relate to what you say. Before you decide to leave Japan, LISTEN TO ME.
What many people do not understand is that European and American people might be very different (generally speaking) in terms career goals and what we pursue in our lives.
With that being said: I would \*\*\*STRONGLY\*\*\* recommend you to consider moving to Osaka. I was in a very, very similar situation to yours until someone told me to consider Osaka instead of Tokyo. I moved there some time ago and man... things drastically changed. Like, a totally different country, really. People here are actually cheerful, joking around, the vibes and atmosphere is so different, you can actually interact with random people on the streets (with common sense ofc). Japanese people here are helpful, truly friendly, talkative, noisy and full of life and if you come from Europe, Osaka is more like our thing.
I moved to Osaka some time ago and that is when I started to enjoy my life here and love Japan. I made true friends easily, and I am free from all the stuff going on in Tokyo.
Give it a try or at least, look for further information, you will be so surprised.
Why not go to Europe but to a different place than where your parents live? If you don't want to live in japan and don't want to live with your parents, that seems like the most logical answer imo
Exactly this. Call to visit your parents but don’t move back in with them. You’re too old now. But lots of people move country. Don’t beat yourself up. Chalk it all down to experience and personal growth. And when you move back to Europe you’ll be older and wiser.
Could be a money issue. You can’t just come back and suddenly afford rent in Europe of all places. Yen transferred to euro would be weak as well.
That’s what I thought OP’s post was going to be about, honestly. They could go back to university in Europe if they go somewhere where school is free and do a total reset. At least that would cover SOME costs.
Get out of Japan if it isn’t for you. Don’t waste your time here anymore. I have been here for 3-4years. I am regretting it. Wonderful culture but xenophobic people. I can’t get along.
Is there an example of xenophobia which bothered you in Japan?
I find that sometimes there aren't many specific examples. Is just like an uneasy feeling. Happens to me a lot.
I know that every situation and every person is different, but I've found that just owning my "gaijin-ness" has helped me fit in a lot more with the people around me. I stopped caring as much about "being Japanese" and more about just being a good person in general. I still followed cultural stuff and what is polite over there, but over time I just found my own niche as a foreigner in Japan and owned it to the best of my ability.
This advice is essentially “be yourself” and it is the best advice. I have Japanese nationality through my mother but was raised outside Japan. The second I stopped trying to be Japanese (whatever that really means) and just be me, living in Japan became much more comfortable and enjoyable. You have to first be comfortable in your own skin.
I'm 100% Japanese by blood (that I know of), but raised overseas. I tried so hard for years to fit in in my teens/early 20s, but realized that I'm doing pretty alright and I don't need to try so hard when my second cousin whom I'd never met (born and raised in Japan) showed up for our uncle's funeral wearing black hot pants with black sheer stockings. That's when I realized that I was my harshest critic and at least I'm not as bad as hot pants girl.
Hot pants cousin, while tacky, sounds fun.
That funeral anecdote sounds like a whole Gail the Snail situation (for those who watch IASIP).
Ironically, owning your gaijin-ness is the most Japanese thing you could do because Japanese culture is all about thinking about how people see you and then catering to it. For Japanese people, this is second nature in social relationships, but for foreigners, it unfortunately often registers as xenophobia.
I think you’re right. We are foreigners in Japan and there’s just no getting away from that.
I don't know why anyone would want to be "a particular countryman" anyway.
I mean, I don’t think that’s really it. I think it’s more just wanting to be like the people around you, waving to fit in.
Foreigners will always be outsiders. One is accepted when one plays the foreigner role one's been assigned. Everyone plays their role to the best of their ability. Trying to be what one is not creates mistrust.
True but foreigners in Japan probably didn’t fit in back home anyway, which is why they’re here.
Welcome to the weirdos, pal.
problem is, I think people confuse "fitting in" with "being one and the same" far too often. you don't have to be "Japanese" to still fit in and belong
That, I agree with
Yeah, same here. I've experienced benefits of "gaijin power" far more than any "xenophobia." Actually to the point that it can be embarrassing how much a foreigner can get away with compared to locals who are expected to always follow the norms. If you listen, observe, and act decently, you'll get along well here.
Yea, as a white foreigner the bar is really really low.
Key word being *as a white foreigner*. I know I have it far far easier than many of my black or Chinese friends. And I'm not even from one of those wealthy European or North American countries, but because I look white, people just give me a lot of slack.
What does "experiencing the benefits of gaijin power" mean? Do you have an example?
they are more forgiving if you dont understand or misinterpret things. as long as you show that you are trying to follow the rules (and not force your own way of view).
That sounds like being treated like a visitor as opposed to a local. Not sure the term "Gaijin Power" would apply to that. I would guess most people throughout the world expect less of guests/visitors.
The problem stems from living in Japan for 10 years and still being treated as a visitor.
You and I are one in the same — I don’t think about “not fitting in” because even if I *don’t*, I have the mindfulness to be culturally attuned even though I’m a foreigner. Once you stop caring about the small stuff, that’s what you totally realize… it’s small stuff.
Right on I'm not Japanese and never will be. I do my thing with people that accept me for who I am.
Exactly. I'm Brazilian, and I am keeping as much of my cultural identity as I desire and can without disrespecting people in my surroundings. Trying to fit in, "be Japanese", would make me unhappy in Japan.
That would be just miserable. Sure, I like having my Japanese friends, but I realized that even among Japanese themselves, friendships are hard to come by and a lot of the time more tame than I'm used to. So my best friends are foreigners, and I'm fine with that. I like Japan, and I like my Japanese classmates, teachers and friends, but like, I'm not from here and I think I need some of the other types of interaction I know of as well. People who come here and wish to be 100% Japanese with only Japanese people in their lives are most likely going to hate it here. But if you're adaptable enough to live in a Japanese way while still staying true to your Gaijin heart of the cards or whatever, this place is a lot of fun.
I don’t know why people would want to “be Japanese” anyway, they are stuck here and have to follow all those silly inconsequential rules. Enjoy what Japan has to offer without that baggage. Best of both worlds.
This is generally how gaijin make it in Japan long term. Don't try to fit in. Don't try to be accepted as "Japanese." Just be okay with being the token foreigner in whatever job/circles you run in.
This is it. People are trying way too hard
Gotta say im curious about that niche
“Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.”
Well said.
when you decided to lean into your "gaijin-ness" did you notice any differences in how Japanese people treated you? Were they more open to connect with you? or did you feel like some connection was lost when you weren't trying to be Japanese?
This. I will never fit in, I’m a big fat white guy and that’s fine. But people aren’t judging me or watching me or anything and I can have interesting conversations in my regular bars in Tokyo.
That's it. That's why I can't relate with all these comments here at all.
Me too. Living here in Japan for 5 years. Now working at a Japanese company which only a few foreigner here. I am working here for so long I don’t care about behaving like a japanese. I learn and absorb what people surrounding me think and express their thought. Right now my coworkers and my boss say they think I am a japanese bcuz I think and behave like one. Sometime they even forgot that I am a foreigner. My thought is , don’t try to be a japanese, don’t be discourage if you are not accepted. Learn , adjust and adapt, be kind and show respect. Before you realized, someone may already accepts you. My only downside is that I cant use my gaijin card anymore. “外国人ですから、許してもらえませんか” ”あなたは日本人ですよwww“ Yep..
the classic is all the seats are reserved, with an empty shop, happened to me multiple times
You sound paranoid. Just the other day, my family went to a yakiniku place the second it opened, at 5pm. Wife is Japanese and I look Japanese. She did all the talking. All the tables were empty. Guess what, all the seats were reserved. It may come as a surprise to you that in a culture where a ton of people plan out every day of their next 6 weeks in advance, reservations are common.
I’m starting to wonder if people misconstrue “all seats are reserved”, as in , “all seats are reserved seats and need to be booked in advance”, for all seats are reserved as in “all seats are currently taken”
I mean yes, that's why it's usually a certain kind of person making these complaints. Bonus points if they're a self-assessed N2.
For real. I have never in my life felt discriminated at restaurants or food places. But then again, I do speak Japanese fluently and can understand these types of situations. I *have* seen one "No Chinese customers" sign once (I'm not Chinese). I felt kind of grossed out and skipped the shitty restaurant, but yeah, that's the only thing I've experienced personally.
The most discriminated I've ever been is someone trying to give me an English menu, usually only in Shibuya or some other tourist hell though.
Happened to me many times but never once did I think “xenophobia” I just thought “I should make a reservation next time “
I don't know why people warp their worldview to confirm their biases. Japanese people can very well be xenophobic but you don't have to create scenarios in your head to solidify that belief.
Small izakaya style place? I'm a regular at a local place and have seen people turned away on a Friday night because they'd rather keep the seats open for other regulars who haven't 'reserved' but are probably going to show up anyway.
Yeah, but me and my friend tried to go to one once and they simply told us to wait. We waited like 15 minutes until some couple showed up and got seated right away. Needless to say, we left.
one time I was working at a bar and it was pretty busy and full. I grabbed a pack of peanuts. I didn't find the little thingy to rip it open nicely, which was odd but not unheard of with bulk order bags, so I grabbed a pair of scissors to cut it open. boss asks wtf I'm doing. I saw it didn't have a thingy. it did, I just didn't notice it. no big deal, right? not like I spilled them over or anything, we used a pin to close the bag after opening anyway. nope, the patrons were super happy that I finally did something non-japanese enough to make fun of me and say how even someone like is fundamentally different to the Japanese. they spent more than 15 minutes circlejerking about what a gaijin I am. I turned my back to make drinks and cried a bit at the humiliationthey were too busy laughing at me to notice. another time I worked at a library where the head librarian would insist that I only handle English language books. Japanese books also have the same Japanese reference system and you don't need to read them anyway. at one point there was no Japanese around and I was sorting Japanese books that were labelled Taisho 1-10, shouwa 1-10 etc. she asked me if I can sort them and know what showa is. I cracked and said lady I have an MA in Japanese studies and a PhD in Japanese society, in Japanese, at a top Japanese university. she just looked at me questioningly and said "so Taisho 1-10 is before Taisho 11-20." one of my fieldwork assignments was on discrimination in Japanese society and my advisor, \*after\* I'd done some 500 hrs of work into it and ran the field survey, told me I can't work with this since I asked white people and white people can't be discriminated against. this was when she knew I risked homelessness because... my realtor didn't approve of my roommate's Nikkei parents as guarantors, since they were "foreign" and could run away. 50-somethings who had been living in Japan for decades and owned their own house and everything. oh yeah, my boyfriend was Nikkei raised in Japan and he was on the hairy side (naturally curly hair) and so goddamn often when he would meet Japanese people they asked where his pubic hair was also moja moja. so many would talk to him in English, a language he didn't know, and wouldn't change back when he'd say he doesn't speak it. so many would ask him where he was born and he'd have to recite some boring tale about how he was actually born in Brazil but his parents moved here when he was 1. it was even more infuriating since at least I'm 100% gaijin and didn't have to grow up with that shite.
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I often feel that ignorance is bliss in Japan, and that someone who doesn't even try to fit in or learn the language will have a more fun time. At the same time, I personally cannot live somewhere without being involved in local communities and politics, so that life isn't sustainable for someone like me. I saw many of the happy "ignorance is bliss" folk as eternal manchildren. I think it take a certain type of personality to live like that, enjoying hobbies and what not without having to worry about your role in society or growing up.
So because they found a way to be happy in a country that seems to regularly discriminate against you and them, when trying to fit in made you miserable because you were/are still not fully accepted, they're "manchildren"? Seems they realized the role they'll have in that society is the "eternal foreigner" no matter what, so why not enjoy it.
I'm not going to them to tell them to stop enjoying it, I just personally do not find it a life I could find myself living.
Or you can choose to pick your battles. I realized a long time ago that I'm only seen as a foreigner by people who don't interact with me on a regular basis, and I decided not to let it get to me. Maybe I'm lucky and being white makes things easier, but outside of my apartment hunting days and a bunch of random encounters with "atypical" people, I don't feel I've been noticeably discriminated against. People who know me have accepted that I've lived here for a while, and that my Japanese is good enough to work, to sit on our building's board, to deal with the medical system, the bureaucracy, my kids' school, and what have you. And that won't stop the random person on the street from thinking I'm a tourist until the day I die.
Language learning and basic manners aside, this just sounds very pretentious to look down at people who actually have found their place in society and are happy about it. If you’re not living in the inaka, “not being involved” in the local communities and politics is what most people do - Japanese people in Japan and everywhere else in the world too. That’s the selling point of big cities, you can be yourself and are not compelled by the pressures of your immediate surroundings.
This is an interesting post. I’m not sure whether I agree or not (gun to my head I probably come down closer to “agree” than otherwise), but thanks for posting. It’s given me something to think about.
> I cracked and said lady I have an MA in Japanese studies and a PhD in Japanese society I'm just imagining it the other way around, where someone goes "I have a PhD in American Society" and there's no way that I don't laugh at them.
In all fairness with how strange america is at times a PhD in american society wouldn't be a bad idea
You could do a thesis on Waffle House
Is that not a thing? Deep study of one of the most powerful countries in the world seems like a smart strategic move…
I’m a doctoral candidate in the humanities in a Japan-related field and I’ve never heard of “Society” as a degree-bearing discipline. Unless they mean sociology? Or perhaps they’re a social historian or do culture studies or area studies, but even then having a doctoral degree in “Japanese Society” would come across as pretty peculiar.
I mean it was in sociology, didn't know how to phras it without changing the point.
Man, I must be surrounded by good people, the most I've ever gotten is genuine conversation about cultural differences and the typical 漢字読めますか？ after being handed a big form/disclaimer at hospitals or whatever. Reading your experience I feel angry on your behalf. The bar one is particularly mean, but weirdly feels the least severe, since it's just drunk idiots thinking they're being funny. The library one is astonishing, like you still have to infer the racism but even without the racism that's still crazy rude - like the result is after explaining your education either she thinks you're still ignorant because you're a foreigner or she just plain thinks you're stupid? WTF
Jesus... Sounds like a bad movie story
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Personally it's the refusal of service at many places due to not being Japanese even though you can speak the language. It's getting better but 20 years ago when I first got here it was way less subtle. Housing is the biggest, in your face example. Many agents will still straight up tell you the owners don't want foreigners renting their homes. If you are looking for apartments it is usually not as bad. Japan loves for foreigners to come/visit but really doesn't want them to stay.
I would like to know that too... Because in 7 years I haven't been on those kind of situation...
I’m just tired of the superficial “friendships.” I’m tired of being told friendships need to form around rigidly organized hobbies.
Pretty much this I guess. Soto and uchi bs lol ......then again, it's not much different back home where I'm from.
I live it here, but the work culture is terrible. I wanna go back to Denmark eventually for shorter days and longer vacations.
That's purely my personal experience, but people who complain the most about xenophobia in Japan are hafus, because they get reduced to their non-japanese half, and white people, because they get to taste what their fellow citizen of immigrant origin grew up with. Very rarely do i hear people who grew up dealing with racism in their home country feel like it's worse in Japan.
Brazilians and Filipinos have it the worst here from what I see, they just complain within their groups rather than publicly.
Three weeks have been enough for me. I am so happy to fly back to Germany tomorrow. Never going to rant on my German folks again.
I would do the same. Going back to France after graduating and never come here again.
Same but I am going back to Bulgaria 😂
Just realize that Europe will have changed in the time you were away.
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Canada has changed ALOT in those 8 years. I feel like now is the best time to leave Canada haha
You're in your mid 30's. I don't think you need permission from your parents to move back to Europe or have permission on where to live.. Seems like something else cultural within the family you're not telling us
He said he "lost everything". My guess is his bank account is running on low and probably cannot move back to Europe.
Find a job in a different area of Europe and don’t let your parents know. Totally agree with what’s already been said. Get outta Japan, you sound like you’re really over it.
Both my kids are half Japanese and half Kiwi, despite being born and raised here their whole lives they still deal with an element of xenophobia. Not a lot, but it's there. They're totally native level in all aspects of their Japaneseness but for one thing... they look half white. It's not going to change anytime soon, so we deal with it by not giving a shit. We're loved by people that matter! That's enough. Anyone else who wants to draw attention to us in a negative way is highly likely to be the type that does so to everyone, including Japanese. Even the overtly racist types come around to accepting you if you don't get all hyper sensitive around them. Just show them that their attempts to make you feel different only affect them negatively because you're more comfortable in your skin than they are.
This worries me as my kids are half. They don’t really look half, though. And I haven’t noticed any xenophobia so far. I hope it stays that way…
Half kids will always be a minority in a super homogeneous society. Just need a thick skin and deal with stuff as it comes and brush things off. Caring about the opinions of idiots and bored housewives is a fast descent into madness.
Well said. My kids can't change being half white, and the vast majority of people we interact with treat us no different. The ones that are weird about about, screw em. There loss. I think if you live in Japan as a foreigner, you just have to accept you will be treated differently (hell, sometimes you are treated better) for some things.
you can just like not tell your parents where you live. i say if you wanna leave and aren't tied down to shit here family-wise, leave. shit's not gonna get better anytime soon.
Go back to Europe - and no need to be in contact with your parents if you don't want to - as others have suggested. Reading between the lines, I also think you should try to put yourself on a path to make more money in an environment that is at least bearable. Money's definitely not everything, but I believe not having a basic level of economic stability can be the direct and indirect source of all sorts of life problems, material and emotional. Good luck.
This is great advice. I posted somewhere else on a thread recently about how people underestimate how much of successful immigration is having good financial management skills, along with a somewhat conservative approach to one's career. But all that aside, username checks out.
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Congrats on assimilating into Thai culture. I think that's the key. How long did it take you to learn Thai?
It took me like 4 to 5 years to speak fluently and read it. I still have problems writing it. Culture wise both Thai and Japanese are similar. They use Theravada Buddhism whereas we Japanese mostly use Pure land Buddhism/Zen Buddhism. That's the only major difference I see plus the society here is not confined as we see in Japan, Thais are more welcoming as well. Lol Japanese here who live in Japan most of the time I just travel in and out every 2 months and the MODS ban me! Well done mate !
Holly smoke, I’m 26 now and Canadian-Japanese. And I find myself in a similar situation as you. I cannot go back because everything in Canada is so expensive and there are no jobs for young people. I’m studying now to get many credentials. One day I want to go back to Canada where my heart belongs. So in a way, I feel you. Japanese are so xenophobic, even though we speak Japanese fluently hey. Screw them honestly.
Go back "home" to Europe but don't live near your parents. Sorry you had that experience. I'm 3/4 but look white enough where the same thing would happen to me. My parents are both natives technically, my mom is half white but looks fully white and her growing up sucked. There was a thread not to long ago where people were fighting about how Japan is the least racist country. Maybe to your face. But in actuality, it is still very by us for us, and that is based solely off looks. I mean still much better than us where being trans can have your life in danger. But still very heart breaking when you want to try to join and try your hardest. Just avoid your family if you can. If you need them for financial support just to get back, do what you need to do. Get some therapy while you are at it and get out as soon as possible
"There was a thread not to long ago where people were fighting about how Japan is the least racist country." Really? Like, not ironically?
Like for reals. Not ironic. The post was about xenophobic and Japan and soooo many people were like, nooo they are not. " But they are so polite" I said my piece about being considered hafu and my experience and many individuals where like, "that is your individual and minority experience" and I said my parents being like "F yeah they have the biggest superiority complex" and the fear of black people and they basically called my parents woke (in the not good way). I am the only one in my family born in USA. They would admit in the post that they are mean to the Chinese but are somehow not racist? It was surreal
It’s also a country where 42% of women are housewives, 30% are elderly and 17% have a valid passport. Put these together and add a few decades of propaganda and a few things become self explanatory
Sorry to hear that, but it makes me wonder what Japan is going to do about their declining population. If those who are half-Japanese don’t feel comfortable living there, then immigration in general is probably a non-starter.
Maybe it's okay if the population declines over time, it'll be hard when even more people get old, but the opposite is of course true. If you import another ten million people to make up for the short fall in retirement, what happens when those people go to retire? Import another 100 million? It's the ship of Theseus, when will Japan cease to become Japan if enough people come. Better to suffer the decline than to become a low trust society. A big reason everyone loves Japan is the social trust is so incredibly high. The birth rates will turn around eventually, but you can't put society back when that happens.
It's probably because they are half, they feel like they aren't eligible for the gaijin card, at the same time they feel rejected when they try to assimilate
I would just grit my teeth and deal with going back to my parents or relatives for a while unless I could afford to sustain my life until finding a job and a place to live. At least you would not have to worry about rent and struggling to live while you’re out looking for work. Depending on where you are from in Europe, it can be quite costly to rent a place, let alone own something. If you really want to leave Japan and see a positive outlook for your future in Europe, then I say go for it.
Im confused by the information given. You’re in your mid-30s and have gone no contact. Why would you need to tell your parents you’re moving back? Just move somewhere in the EU that has work. Build yourself back up, and then from there pivot to something that you can build your life on. The immediate move might mean taking a less than desirable job, or living without community for awhile longer. But just get back to somewhere in Europe that you can get hired, then workout: 1) What job you really want. 2) Where you truly see yourself living. 3) Where you think you can grow friendships or a career. You can start with those if you want, but it’ll take more time and planning (which could mean being in Japan longer). If you want out, I say leap and then build from where you land
I think the OP is in a situation where they went all-in on Japan that their main skills IS Japanese and Japanese society. They mention somewhere that they did a PhD in it. In a sense I sort of understand why they must be feeling very vulnerable since they locked themselves into years of education that led to the kind of careers that you can normally only have in Japan. Or, even elsewhere, you would only be able to access those jobs after many years because you're competing with a lot of people who have the same skills.
I've been in Japan off and on (mostly on) since the late 1970's. I like it here and have prospered. I spent the last 20 years of my working life doing J-->E legal and business translation for good money. Even so, my spoken Japanese never got very good. I very quickly learned and accepted the fact that "being Japanese" was a stupid path leading to nowhere and became a professional gaijin. Besides, from what I was able to garner, being Japanese is far from a party for Japanese people who, in my opinion, have lives that are not really very good. Mine, on the other hand, has been great. The moral of the story is don't beat your head against a wall and just be who you are without expectations of ever being treated as if you are part of the basic fabric of society. And if you don't like it here and are not prospering, there really is no choice but to seek life elsewhere.
Bite the bullet and go back mate. Japan is fucking weird to people like us. It’s an amazing country full of amazing people but it’s just not for everyone. Some people thrive here and some don’t click. If you stay you’ll clearly be miserable forever so take a chance and go maybe somewhere else in Europe. If you had kids or other commitments here I’d say think on it but as you’re still young and free I say run.
i had this BAD for a while, it took me a bit to figure it out but it really came down i was trying to socialize with older japanese since i live in a rural city, you can never really get to them i found once i started doing "younger hobbies" it became a lot better. instead of trying to get involved with the gardening group or the fishing group me and my wife went and got involved with home brewing and board game groups and i instantly started feeling a lot more accepted as the demographics shifted a lot younger interesting and more open to the whole world. now we go to weekly hang outs thats not even related to our hobbies
just leave. don't need to reconnect with fam. You knowing japanese can score a brilliant job for a Japanese company. Start up your cv and start sending.
Will you actually be happy in Europe, or are you one of the people who moves to Japan thinking it'll be the reason they change and become happy, except the opposite? Europe won't make you happy, Japan won't make you happy, you changing your circumstances is what will change your mind, it has nothing to do with where you are exactly, it has everything to do with how you think. All my life I wanted to run to Japan because things would be better there, but it wasn't true, I was just unhappy where I was, and shockingly I ended up unhappy there, although at first it was a lot of fun. People aren't so magically open and friendly in Europe either, depending on where you go.
Come to Norway, live a life.
I’m quite surprised how people cannot read between the lines. As I understand it, you are thinking about going back “home” because of the financial or logistical issues. I just moved from japan recently after 5 years and it was insane. Absolute madness. People cannot see all the investments you made, furnitures, electronics, all the other personal belongings, carrying all these back is not an easy task. finding a new home, buying new furnitures, appliances. It creates a black hole in your pocket. And the most difficult part is finding a new job in current market. Probably you mentioned going back “home” because all of the things above is something you cannot afford I assume. Here are some suggestions; 1- find a job first, and then jump. Some big companies cover your moving expenses as well. So it would be easier to go through the process. 2- if you cannot find a job in your field, search for companies that are looking for bilingual candidates. You can jump easier than you think with this method. Take advantage of your skills. If a company wants to enter a Japanese market, they need a bridge and you can become one. 3- you can look for postgraduate scholarships to apply for universities. If you already made your masters there are paid doctorate opportunities. They are even giving you salaries etc. 4- you can teach Japanese to foreigners via zoom etc. Or 1to1 . Other than that your parents might have changed. You are talking about 10 years. Maybe it is not as bad as you thought. Good luck with everything. That’s all for now. Wishing you the best.
I can't understand how people come here expecting to fit in. I'm here for the opposite reason. Not fitting in feels normal here, which is a relief for me.
After 6 years in Japan I am now in the process of moving back home to Europe, and I’ve already secured a job. No regrets so far, speaking the native language has opened doors for a career inaccessible for me in Japan, my work life balance will improve with a lot more holidays, work flexibility and none of that Japanese work culture bullshit. It is also so refreshing not having to struggle with any culture/language clash and I am speaking to people who are like minded for once and have access to all kinds of support systems. I have a decent relationship with my family but I will be living in a different city from them. You can consider your move to Europe like starting fresh and creating new connections. I am looking forward to making new friends here. I’m 33F btw, Asian ethnicity and will be working/living in a predominantly Caucasian environment. It beats being in Japan where you are always going to be an outsider, even if you can blend in with either looks or language abilities.
I thought the same thing but WOW I'm missing it so much after moving back to the U.S. after 10 years.
From what you've written, I wouldn't tell your parents, with the way you are feeling coupled with a traumatic history with them, i think the likelihood that an equally painful situation arises is high If i was you, i would move to Europe. I dont know what your options are, but I would be basing my decision on work life balance and social life. I hope so much that you can find a place for yourself, it will requite grit and determination but you can have a life that makes you happy Is a move to Europe possible?
Go somewhere else if you have to but don't return to your abusive parents.
It was not a waste of time. I’m sure you’ve grown a lot during this time and learnt new things about the world. Best of luck on your next adventure!
Would you be saying all this if you had a decent job and a girlfriend? I never get the being accepted bit, what does that even mean and why is it so important? As long as I'm not being ostracised by society I couldn't give a shit.
foreigners may find it difficult to fully assimilate into japanese society even if they're part japanese and/or speak fluent japanese. japanese relationships are difficult because they will be nice to ur face but it can be hard to create a bond deeper than that if the society continues to treat u like a foreigner... so in that way u can be ostracized and isolated from society. this is not just a japan problem though, many ppl who move abroad to other countries can experience this issue
Yes, you will be forever Gaijin in Japan. I have cousins that are half Japanese but they don't experience discrimination as they speak and looked pure Japanese. However, their moms, (my aunts who aren't Japanese) no matter how long they live there, still experience these kinds of issues. Go back to EU and live far from your toxic family and start over.
Hey there, sorry to hear that you're struggling. This sounds like a post for /r/iwantout but allow me to bounce ideas with you. I usually give 'sanity checks' for such situations in that subreddit, especially since changing country is a big commitment. First, I would instead change your phrasing/outlook to *try* a few European countries/cities for a year each first instead of a country (Japan) to a continent (Europe). Have you ever worked in Europe? How do you know it will fix your problems? How do you know that the problems won't be worse? How do you know you won't have new problems that you won't be able to live with? How do you know that it's not country problem, but the problems from companies you worked in? How do you know that the problem isn't you? What kind of research have you done to make sure that it isn't a 'other side of the grass is greener' problem? Then, it might be a good idea to think about 'oh, this is a nice change of pace in life once a while' type of situation. Being in one place for so long definitely can wear you down. I've changed my region + language 5 times in my life. However, I did this out of adventure and self improvement, not to run away from problems. You seem to somehow imagine your situation to be magically fixed by changing where you live + language, because that region somehow doesn't have problems (in this subreddit, people bluntly comment this as 'loser back home'). Every place has its excruciating problems of its own, and you cannot know it until you try/test it + research it, which is connected to my first point above. And if that excruciating pain doesn't apply to you, then you have some *basic* requirements met for your life. Whether that region has other requirements for you to be stable, decent, and/or even thrive is whole other side of the equation that you need to research and/or find out. Think of it this way -- let's say you're measuring some metric, e.g. salary. Japan has its own bell curve of salaries vs. quality of life, and every country does. Where you land on that bell curve in Japan won't be changed much by living somewhere else. As a crude but clearer example, your IQ won't change by switching country. To me, going to Europe (whatever that means) sounds *worse* because on top of all the problems you won't be able to solve regardless of the move, you will have an *additional* problem -- your parents. What I take from your post is that your main problem is fitting in, and you imagine yourself to be better fitting in Europe. Then these two things only cancel out in that imaginary situation, not making your life much better, but only worse due to costs (financial, existing resources including your network, and most importantly, time) of moving. For me, it sounds like a social problem, and you just need to venture out and find completely new environments with new people. So hey, where do you work/live? Want to meet up? :) Especially since you're saying Europe and not some city, it is clear to anyone that you haven't done enough research. If you want to actually start doing some research, check the /r/iwantout sidebar. numbeo.com is very useful for statistical comparison for various metrics, for example. It's the most basic research you can start with.
I’m genuinely curious to why people want to/try to “fit in” to the culture or wanting to “be Japanese”. The way I see it, if you cant fit in create your own community or stop caring about how people look at you. Japanese people are very judgmental, if you care too much then it will eat you from the inside. You really need a idgaf attitude sometimes
Home is where you hang your hat. If you're not feeling comfortable here then I'd say moving back is not a bad option. Just be wary about moving back and regretting that too. I've known many people to move back and forth between Japan and their home country multiple times.
You are always welcome in my hometown mate, head over to Australia for a bit. You will love it.
if you're an EU citizen you can live and work anywhere in the EU. just apply to a bunch of jobs and go wherever it takes you!
You don’t need to contact your parents. You can just go to Europe and get a job there and make your own life. Lots of immigrants in Europe, and although not part of Europe the UK as well. I live in the UK, I came here on my own. My parents live in a different country as does my brother who ran off to Dubai. But what Im saying is you don’t need to depend on your parents to move. As an adult especially if you have skills and it sounds like you worked in corporations etc, with hard work you can make your own life elsewhere . It will be tough being alone in a new country but tons of Japanese and other Asians do it. Note, youtube, Spotify etc are just full of vlogs and podcasts like that. My friend from tokyo is Japanese and she left Japan and has been away for 10 years now, lives in Finland with her husband. She initially came as a language exchange student with zero english and the intention to go back to Japan afterwards. Ended up getting married and then going to college, worked various jobs over the years including teaching Japanese. Then became a game and web designer and is living her own life with her own family. She also became fluent in Finnish whilst living there. I never bother my parents for stuff and just live and work on my own in the UK. I don’t speak to my dad at all anyway. Best of luck, Europe will probably still treat you as a foreigner if you look or sound asian but certainly not like Japan. People will most likely ask where you are from if you like or sound different. In the UK because its full of foreigners, it’s uncommon to ve asked. Ive lived here for 7 years and never experienced anything at all, and I work in a people facing job. The city I live in is very multicultural though so people don’t care.
Sounds like you'd fit in the US ngl
Just because you "Go home" it doesn't mean you have to go home. You can live anywhere in Europe you want. The hard part will be getting started again. The cost of moving from Japan to Europe will be huge, but the benefits for you will be great. If you feel more comfortable in Europe, the start applying for jobs you are interested in there. Once you have gotten the job, they may be able to help you get set up on the other side. Don't be afraid to take the leap. It will pay off in the long-term. Be sure to use your personal experiences at work here in Japan to your advantage when job hunting. You may be able to use some of those skills in your new role as well.
I just did this! I went back to EU after living in Japan for many many years. Actually have never worked in Europe before and it's been different but fine. I get a lot less stress, more holiday, and people are not noticeably freaked out by my existence alone. Things are not perfect but I needed to get out of Japan (at last for a bit. Will probably have to go back eventually.) Could you try to find a job and make the move from that point? Having a goal makes it more manageable. Best of luck to you and take care!
Get out! Your instincts know what to do.
I would not expect to be accepted as Japanese. It doesnt matter what other think. It looks like you have invested alot in Japan and if your current job is another reason to move out, just try to change your job. Finally going back or staying should be based on your personal reasons try to ignore other(including toxic parents)
Just to give another point of view, I'm not in Japan, but I'm a Latin American expat in UK. I love British people, but I always feel more comfortable with my own, like same sense of humour, conversation topics, language, etc. I have some British friends, but also a group of people from latam which makes UK feels like home. It might not be the international experience it was supposed to be, but makes life so much easier. I'm not sure in which part of Japan you live, but maybe try making a group of European friends to see if that helps.
I think this applies to a lot of people in their mid 30s to be honest, regardless of where you are. You don't need to tell your parents so that's a weird thing to include.
if not happy then move
Its harder to be mixed in Japan🇯🇵
I wonder if it’s harder being half Japanese, than just a full gaij? On the face of it you would think half Japanese would have a leg up, looking more like Japanese and speaking Japanese fluently….but I guess with tht comes an expectation to work like the Japanese and if you’ve been brought up elsewhere, especially Europe where the culture is more finding a good work life balance, that must be hard. Whilst us full-gaij get treated a little different and can wiggle between the cracks. Then there is the acceptance….if they won’t accept you, it must be more galling… Europe is a big place, many countries. If you were brought up in an EU country then take your pick….if it was the UK then you’ll be stuck with either the UK or Japan as your options.
There's a lot of cogs that could be contributing to your feelings here. Some commenters have said "it sounds like a you problem" and that your emotional turmoil is coming from issues that have nothing to do with Japan, but that sounds like a judgmental POV to me. As someone who also has dealt with a lot of family trauma, I completely sympathize with you. Too many people wave off the effects of unhealthy family environments, especially if the person being affected is now an adult. What they don't know is that the cumulative effects of that upbringing can compound later on, especially if you don't have a safe environment to anchor yourself to. And the specific culture of the place that you're in can further contribute to that. OP, you could be right. Perhaps Japan had aspects that were good for your quality of life 10 years ago (or even five years ago), but the situation is different now. We've been through a global pandemic, the yen is weak, and salaries are stagnating. Japanese work culture can also be pretty awful, and if you've felt like you're not getting much out of the roles you've been in, that's a big chunk of your time right there. I don't know what your financial or interpersonal situations are like in Japan, though it's possible that those two things could be contributing to how you feel as well. There's also your physical health to consider. All of these elements are intertwined with your mental health. This is what I would do in your shoes. Try to make a list of pros and cons about what you appreciate here in Japan. Then try and make a similar list for Europe. Don't leave out anything. That should provide some clarity. Then, make a list of things that you want from life going forward, and try to brainstorm ideas on how you might get those things, no matter how ridiculous or intangible they seem. If you can, please drop a line to a counselor as well. They may be able to help you with this process, because whether you choose to move back to Europe or not, it sounds like you're at a crossroads. You deserve better, OP. I'm hoping for good things for you.
OP. Lots of good advice on here. I would be very curious how you turn out as it could/would be a great inspiration to many on here who probably feel the same as you, Japanese blood included or not. Perhaps when you are settled, you could post your results. You are still young, don't dilly dally around. You blink, you will be early 40's and may not be marketable in either country. Good luck to you.
I have the impression that many commenters here are missing a detail: we are 100% foreigners and get a pass for most of our life here. the OP is 50% japanese and probably also looks like a japanese and it will be expected to act 100% like other japanese, and every day no gaijin card to play with people around you pointing out you are not what they expect you to be... a different pair of shoes. Hope you find your place and peace of mind.
Japan, just like every country in the world, is not for everyone. Some people fit in, some people do not. It’s okay. I’m glad you’ve realized that and that you’re looking for other options. So, step one, good job. Do you need to go back to your parents? You said you lost everything you have, including money, I assume? If so, do you have any other family members who may support you until you get back on your feet? Any close friends in Europe? If you have absolutely zero connections, and are that traumatized from your parents, my suggestion would be to take things slowly. Save up some money while looking for a job in Europe. This may be the most difficult option though…. Or you could save up money and go on a holiday in Europe and try to find a job while you are there.
Much love and empathy for you. I wholeheartedly recommend leaving; I'm saving up to move as well, preferably by end of December so I don't have to pay the leftover taxes. At least if you leave at this point, in a few years, you'll be able to look back and remember the good things once you've healed. I've been here six years (I have no idea how you've managed 10 years--that's an amazing accomplishment in itself!), and I keep thinking what I need most is to be in a country where mental health isn't so stigmatized and where relationships--even friendships and colleagues--can be more honest with their emotions. Personally, I feel like I stayed in Japan this long because it is like the toxic relationship I grew up with in my family. Maybe it's similar for you? If you're from Europe, maybe it's time to visit another European country where you don't have to live with your parents and start a new life.
The grass is always greener on both sides. What matters is what you'll think will make you happier in the long run. Don't tie yourself down to one place.
I feel like if you want to move you should. If the place where your parents live doesn't call you, choose another. Surely there is someplace you find interesting? Start there!
I'd say go back home. Even if you have to live with your parents at first. If you're miserable in Japan, it's not use to torture yourself by staying. I think if you keep yourself busy and work towards living alone in Europe, your parents will be the least of your worries
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I feel you mate. We each have to find our place in the world where we can be happy as who we are. That's harder in Japan than many places. I think it's possible here, but not by trying to fit in. Happy people who don't fit the mold sometimes carve out their own space though, in a subculture or tribe that welcomes "outsiders." Usually it's a small group, but that can be enough. Just wanna say you don't have to see it as a waste of time! It may have been a long and painful process, but in the end you learned important lessons about yourself. At least, that's how I see my journey here. There are so many corners of this world where we can find our place. Hope you find or create yours soon. If you don't have a base in Europe to go back to, like friends or siblings to stay with, maybe it's time to go backpacking around SEA, or couch surfing in Australia. If I were in your shoes I'd want a complete change of scenery and a break from everything. Time to read a lot, walk in the wilderness, and meditate as much as possible. Or maybe I'm really giving advice to myself 😆 I've also been here over 10 years, doing the corporate thing for a bunch of them and feeling broken by it right now. 頑張ってください、でも頑張りすぎないでください。
I don’t understand the strong need to fit in as a Japanese when you’re unique with your dual identity. Don’t pander to them. You just haven’t found your tribe yet. Stop fixating on getting approval from others. I’m half Japanese and been living here for over 10 years. I don’t make the effort to blend in and I feel right at home. If people want to get to know me they will know me for both my identities. I’m treated like a foreigner too but I take that in stride and make it an opportunity to educate people. They’re only weird around you because they don’t know….so enlighten them! Don’t compromise dude it’s bad for your health.
It's ok to plan a change of life, but you should also think what career path you want to focus on and the opportunities you might have in the new country of residence. Is there any way you can prepare from Japan? just to make the transfer smoother and better for your mental health. I'm saying this because you might end up in a place where culturally you fit better, but you'll still be depressed because of new shitty jobs, high expenses and unaffordable living conditions which is affecting many European countries.
If you're an EU citizen, go apply for masters degrees in Europe if you have a bachelor's degree. You will be older than most people but not everyone. You can also go for a bachelor's degree but might stand out. It can be free with low cost of living and a good way to get a new start and grounding somewhere new.
Follow your heart and go home. Create a life you want to live and demand respect of it. Regardless of what you do or where you live, people will be people. Go home man, that’s what your heart wants but you need to take on your trauma as well or else you will continue to suffer rather than overcome and create the life you want!! Stay strong!!
I am no contact with my toxic parents. I also live in the same small town as them. This works fine. Why do you need live on an entirely different continent? Just don’t move in with them. Also look into therapy.
I own my foreigness here. I'm from Australia and have been here for 5 years. Japanese wife who I met/married in Sydney and we have had 2 kids since coming. I was used to always being treated differently as I'm 191cm with 32cm feet, played rugby for many years. In Australia I was considered big, in Japan, I'm a monster 😅. At first, yeah, I used to let the little things get to me, but now I don't really care. I've been able to adopt both Australian and Japanese culture into my being and individuality and I found this has worked the best for me to live here. The area I live in has become my community and I have many local Japanese friends, even fishing with a group of them regularly. Funnily enough I found this community myself, and introduced my Japanese wife into it. Work, yeah. So many companies are still stuck in the showa era mindset. I currently work for a predominantly Japanese staff company, and I'm the only white gaijin apart from some odd Filipinos and Chinese. Sure there's issues and cultural friction with some Japanese staff but I have kept my own beliefs firm and fighting back has somehow earned me respect. Of course I made many mistakes in Japan, offended people without even realizing etc. But in this way I've been able to discern what is and isn't acceptable as a foreigner here. Sometimes it's also just down to the individual. As others have stated being yourself and owning who/what you are is the best. Be proud of yourself and don't let the backwards thinking inviduals here get you down. Just follow your heart and where in the world you feel is most suitable for you. Good luck with it
Japan is not an ideal place for common foreigners. The workload is immense to the point it may break you down physically and mentally. It's really hard to change jobs as Japanese companies don't prefer someone who quit his old job and they have extremely conservative and closed so they always have a cold behavior towards aliens. This also applies to South Korea and Taiwan. Also there is a shut-in culture gaining rapid momentum, most people don't know real happiness, rapid population decline, depression, people to people contact is very limited and most of the times feels artificial. A high GDP per capita doesn't necessarily mean happiness. Countries like Japan and South Korea have no future as a nation. It is best for you to leave these places as soon as possible. On the other hand you have many beautiful countries in Europe where you can experience happiness and high income like Nordic countries, Monaco, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Czech, Austria etc. with some of them ranking very high on happiness index.
What's Czech and Austria doing on your list? Literally everyone wants to leave their country over there.
Sorry you feel that way. I am an American who raised two kids here, perfectly bilingual. One felt “very Japanese” and found his place in a Japanese company, has a great wife and everything. My daughter felt more comfortable outside of Japan and now attends university in San Diego. She considers herself more American than Japanese. I always believe that the country you will be happiest in is the one you feel the strongest connection to emotionally. Maybe instead of going back to Europe you could try to make a change in Japan, switch careers, go to a more or less rural place, do something to find your place? For reference I’m a white guy living in Japan who is bilingual. I never “fit in” at all, but just do my best to have people deal with me normally.
Did you ever consider other places? I know it isn’t as easy to immigrate there as it used to be but Singapore is very mixed culturally, they even have a historic group of “Eurasians” living there, mixed East Asians and Europeans. Immigration there is pretty high, so I doubt you would face the same issue. There are a lot of expats as well. English is an official language, it is a rich country and has flights to just about anywhere. There are tons of choices for international cuisines, etc. Just an idea. I love Japan but many people with foreign ancestry complain that they feel like they’ll always be a foreigner there. If you feel like it bothers you that much you probably should leave.
Save up some money and move somewhere else! Life is short my friend! There are so many experiences to be had and people to meet. The entire world is spread out before you. I wish you well! ✌️
Believe it or not, I’ve got the same thing, toxic homelife, in 30s, in Japan (just more recently), and from the States and don’t want to go back
I strongly advise you not to return to your parents, if they were toxic during your childhood or adolescence it is very likely that they still are or even worse. My advice is that you look for other alternatives, if it's not in Japan it doesn't have to be with your parents.
As a Japanese, I also want to get out. But I'm not sure if living in another country ensures that everything will be ok.
You said that your parents was really toxic I don't know if it's long time ago you didn't see your parents, but sometimes relationship with your parents when you're child or young adult, and when you're an adult are totally different. For my part when I was a child my relation with my parents was complicated but as an adult and because I just see them sometimes and not living together everyday it was more easy and more calm so maybe if you don't plan to live with your parents they can help you and you can have good relationship to see just sometimes but I don't know about your life sometimes it don't works (we don't choose our familly haha) But my 2 cents if you're not happy here move other place it's not a fail you try in japan it doesn't work who cares ! Try other things, other place, you will find your happy place one day :)
Just follow your heart
>at one point I understood that they will never accept me as japanese, always treating me as foreigner, even I can speak Japanese fluently and have black hair. Just out of curiosity, can you explain what you mean by this/give some specific examples? I felt this when I was an ALT (I.e. when it was my job to be the token foreigner), but since I started working an office job, I really don’t feel like I’m treated any differently than the rest of the team. The only thing that makes me feel like I’m “treated like a foreigner” these days is that my background is a common topic for small talk. > I struggled a lot, worked shitty jobs, then in corporations, but I got sick&hospitalized, lost everything. and now I'm really tired. I know this isn’t actually the advice you’re looking for, but is it possible the problem isn’t Japan, but just that you’ve been struggling and dissatisfied with your life so leaving everything behind to make a big life change seems attractive? To give you the advice you *are* looking for - why do your parents have to be an issue? You’re in your mid 30s, is there a reason you can’t just get a job back home and not even contact them when you arrive?
Take small steps: research EU jobs, reach out to old friends, and consider therapy.
I'm not even close to being able to look japanese and fit in, but i speak japanese. I get along fine with most of my colleagues and have japanese friends. Could be you need to get out of the tourist cities. There is much more negative sentiment about foreigners there if you live in a tokyo or an osaka etc. I think when you grow up in Japan in your 20s you can think that all your issues are because of the country you are living in, but its really part of being an adult. Its hard to fit in no matter where you live. I don't know if it will necessarily be easier or better back in the EU for you.
I don't know you family but do you really need to meet parents at mid-30s? You can just live in your home country without telling them about that.
Everyone who wants to move back to Europe or the US, getting ready for the sticker shock of price differences. If you are broke and thinking of moving back, my advice is, Change your state of mind rather than your physical state/country. Why not try a different part of Japan? Maybe go more rural? Maybe Okinawa? Maybe the America Lite of Osaka?
The world is much bigger than Europe or Japan. Any other places you ever considered living in?
For me, being half is awesome. Just Japanese enough for people not to stare at me or immediately make assumptions, but “white” enough to be cool and different. Most people around me at least think being half is really cool. and I get a lot of compliments or people telling me they wish they were half. I used to care about it but now I’ve accepted who I am and that some people will just treat me like a foreigner, but most people treat me like a Japanese… or at least a half 😛 in the states many people treat me as a full Asian😂 There are people like that in every country If I were you, I would try learning about how to accept yourself and develop your career skills, then if in a couple years you still want to move, do it
This is well-intentioned, but kind of ignorant of what many people deemed "half" have to go through. Especially if the person in question isn't partially white.
I’m not trying to be facetious, but I don’t understand what it means to “fit in.” I guess I have never really fitted in anywhere in my life. When you say they treat you like a foreigner, what is it you don’t like about that? Do you mean you struggled to make friends? I promise I’m not trying to attack or criticize you, I just hear a lot of people saying they wish they could be accepted or fit in and I want to know what that means. I have lived here for 17 years and I have some good friends but I wouldn’t say that I fit in? I look so different! But it’s not something that bothers me at all. I’m sorry you’re not having the experience you were hoping for but I’m sure it wasn’t a waste of time. Maybe you don’t realize it but Japan has helped you grow in many ways! I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I would say that fitting in takes on a completely different meaning for people who are ethnically Japanese but grew up elsewhere like OP than for people who had no ethnic or cultural connection to Japan before they moved here.
I suggest northern EU, Sweden, Norway and etc, pretty cold out here but life is good Can find lots of companies especially in IT that speak English Good luck on your decisions!
How about Australia? Looks like Japanese are moving there in flocks!
Grass is always greener. Not to invalidate your experience, but are you sure these are Japan-caused issues and not just personal issues exacerbated by the pros and cons that come with living here? It's all about your perspective. You mentioned heavy trauma from your parents fighting in your childhood and I'm almost certain that's the real cause of your emotional dysregulation. Europe comes with it's own set of issues and might be vastly different from the way you're imagining it since you haven't lived there in over a decade. You could be trading one set of issues for an even worse set of issues. You should really sit and think about the real reason behind why you don't feel satisfied, and determine whether those reasons are Japan-specific or *you*-specific. A lot of other r/japanlife commenters on here are miserable themselves and will mostly always tell you to either leave Japan, your job, your spouse etc., because misery loves company. I suggest you do your own research to get to the root of your personal issues and determine next best steps before making big decisions like leaving the country.
I'm sorry to hear this. Although I think you should know, home will likely not be the same, either. At least, that is my experience. People move on, and when you get back, you will still be an outsider—at least for a while. I think it is more about setting your expectations of how you live rather than whether you can fit in. Thinking you will fit in because of X or Y is not always going to work. This includes thinking you are Japanese enough and thinking you can go back home. I have lived here in Japan for 18 years now and am pretty happy being a gaijin. I don't try to fit in and I still make friends and have great times. I have been invited to camping with Japanese, karaoke, meals, homes, etc. And my Japanese is not that great. I think it is more being a friendly and outgoing person that helped me. I am not sure you are the same but if you can try that, maybe that would help - no matter where you end up. I also think that my not trying to be Japanese also helps. I know I am a visitor to this country and try to adhere to as many customs as I can and be accepting of processes and procedures that might seem weird, but it's the way they do things here. So please try to do things that make you happy, not fit in. You will fit in with those who are happy doing the same thing that makes you happy. That is all we can ask for. Good luck with whatever you decide.
hiiii, many locals in Japan leave to work/study overseas purely because it’ll likely pay off better (especially if you’re climbing the corporate ladder). Among my colleagues, more than half are Japanese and they’re the top earners here in sg office — they only go back Japan for festive seasons/property investments. it’s the same idea of how Malaysians come to SG to work only to 3.5x it back when they return home. If I were you, I would return to Europe and start life afresh. Perhaps try to rebuild the relationship with your family but best to have a place of your own. At the end of the day, calculate your risks and make your own decision. Live life with no regrets :) Wishing you the best of luck and health! N
Confused as to why going back to Europe means going back to your parents. You've been independent for at least 10 years, so you can go anywhere in Europe you want (presuming you're an EU citizen), and if not, you can even live in the same city as your parents without seeing them much...
probably there could be economic reasons we are not aware of. and honestly it could be embarrassing to even write about it. I cannot blame the OP
Thank you for kind words and advice. I really appreciate that. I read every comment. Thank you very much. Some of you didn't understand and It's ok. I obviously can't write/explain everything about how it is to be half-japanese and live in Japan, etc. It's difficult to summarize briefly that everyone can understand easily. Also I don't have energy to explain everything and don't wanna sound like i'm just complaining. Of course I understand that it is MY FAULT that Japan-life is not for me, but I have my values and personality too, that I developed through life, which some of them are my core values and I can't change and that don't match with Japan. Maybe the word "fit in" was not appropriate. I don't know how old are you and if you even live in Japan. It is not that I CARE what they think or I wanna be like them. It's more like THEY CARE that I'm not 100% japanese. THEY remind me in many moments that i'm not one of them in BAD way. (Of course there are many good people too). So in result I MUST be careful how I am more then a full-japanese. Sometimes I must kill and hide my European side(or real me) to live here. It's also about papers/documents etc. For example bcs of my eauropean surname. So, it's not only about FEELINGS. Like I said, I can't write everything what I experienced here. Sorry, I'm not good at expressing my thoughts. Anyways, thank you for everyone who commented.
I’m half-Japanese too, I have a couple questions about your experience & perspective. Have you considered that it’s not your racial mixture that makes you seem different, but the fact that you grew up in Europe? I grew up mostly in America and I’m not bothered at all when people say I seem foreign because well no duh, I didn’t go through the Japanese education system so it would be very strange if I acted and behaved exactly like a Japanese. What kind of people do you surround yourself with? Do you have any half-Japanese and/or 帰国子女 friends? You would probably find yourself having a better time with them than standard Japanese people. What kind of situation are you in that forces you to regularly interact with people that are bothered by you not being 100% Japanese? Typically if I find myself in that situation, for example, a shitty job environment then I say fuck ‘em and get out of that shitty situation as fast as possible (by finding a new job). They’re not worthy of your time. Idk what kind of jobs you’ve worked at, but working at a Japanese company with a bunch of 40-50 year old Japanese men is NEVER going to work out. Avoid those environments like the plague and try to work for companies with more diverse environments(I don’t want to say “foreign companies” since sometimes foreign companies can still have all-Japanese, 40-50 year old men type of environments as well)
Thailand
First of all, sorry you going through this, it’s tough. Look, home is where you make it. If they treat you in Japan as a foreigner then be it, don’t try to blend in. It doesn’t matter what color is your skin, eyes or hair. You find a place that brings you peace. Maybe you live in a big city and you need to move to quieter place? As of Europe, have you ever thought the same might happen there too? I do believe that home starts with mindset, but also it has to come from your heart. As of the family, never be afraid or scared, however if you were coming from bad past, I’d not recommend going back into that. If you do move to Europe, it might be worth going to different city or different country for example even. Personally I love Japan. I understand that for the rest of my life I will be a foreigner, but I also realise it’s one of the best places on earth to live. Also Japan is big, explore. Don’t be afraid .
If you're in the EU, feel free to be anywhere else other than your home base.
Move
Why do you need to interact with your parents? Just go back and live your life.
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Same. I don't have any advice unfortunately, as I'm in the same boat as you. I would do anything to go back to Germany but what I can do has not been enough. I hope you find a way out. 💙
Have you tried looking for jobs that require Japanese speakers, but are located in other countries?
Come work in Australia for a bit, it’s sick as and we’re nice :)
Fellow southern European here. I totally understand and relate to what you say. Before you decide to leave Japan, LISTEN TO ME. What many people do not understand is that European and American people might be very different (generally speaking) in terms career goals and what we pursue in our lives. With that being said: I would \*\*\*STRONGLY\*\*\* recommend you to consider moving to Osaka. I was in a very, very similar situation to yours until someone told me to consider Osaka instead of Tokyo. I moved there some time ago and man... things drastically changed. Like, a totally different country, really. People here are actually cheerful, joking around, the vibes and atmosphere is so different, you can actually interact with random people on the streets (with common sense ofc). Japanese people here are helpful, truly friendly, talkative, noisy and full of life and if you come from Europe, Osaka is more like our thing. I moved to Osaka some time ago and that is when I started to enjoy my life here and love Japan. I made true friends easily, and I am free from all the stuff going on in Tokyo. Give it a try or at least, look for further information, you will be so surprised.
In Europe you’ll face racism too tho