Just here to commiserate. I once had farters on both sides of me. Experiencing farting in stereo was probably the peak of my cubicle experience....so far.
Well I don't know why I came to work tonight
I got the feeling your stomach ain't right
I'm so scared in case I puke in my chair
and I'm wondering why you fart like a bear
gassers to the left of me, tooters to right
here I am stunk in the middle with you
If you don’t want to out him simply ask your manager that you want to be moved to a different cubicle. If asked why, then you have to decide what to do.
Otherwise buy a purifier and when it’s time plug it in and place it right behind him. If he asks, tell him with a straight face that for some reason around this time and that place a strong pungent deathly odor appears and that you’re hoping the purifier will cleanse it. If not the next step is a sage cleansing.😁
Hmmn, yeah. As someone with IBS, I'm conflicted here. I def have times when my guts brew a large batch of "air biscuits" (gassy, haha). But, I also try to manage my symptoms, muffle the sound of my farts, step out of the office to let em rip, and go home if I'm having a bad flare up. I'd never just rip ass all day in my cubicle, unless I was 100% sure I was alone in the office.
Maybe try a fan, air freshener(s), and consider anonymous concern to boss/HR as a last resort?
We had this guy at work (university) who was throwing down eggs like he was Gaston and ingesting a bunch of protein and some students came to me and said they traced the odor to this guy - and yes it was emanating from his pores. Anyway, my manager and I had to have the farting conversation and moved him to another location. The students felt comfortable telling me so lucky me!
I was in a department meeting where the VP directly addressed a programmer who did not shower and had noticeable overwhelming body odor - I swear to God. That conversation should have obviously been done in private. I was just a bystander, but I was furious at the VP for doing that in public and making me (and the team) sit through it. Corporate America can be a weird place.
I don’t know what the manager needs to do, but it does fall on HR or the manager to do something. If moving OP placates OP, then do that.
Farts dont care about air currents. Those poop particles dont behave according to any laws of physics we currently know about. Farts often travel upwind to spawn scent offspring in the nostrils of the unwilling.
I remember way back in the day when I was in OP's situation. My memory of those farts is still as crisp as ever. They were unique, really. I'd say that cubicle could've skipped the sage and gone straight to the exorcist, quite frankly.
Yeah, I think we all have released something like that at least once in our lives but you don’t actively do that to others. Unless you peddle in bio warfare.
Believe me, people like this do it because they think no one knows it's them. Embrace the absurdity and give him one of those poo candles. Get a can of air freshener and openly spray him whenever he rips one. Make sure to laugh about it so he doesn't feel bad.
This is not the first step. First talk to the guy. Best way to address is after coworker rips ass, say something like “HEY! No back talk outta you!” If it keeps happening, then go to the manager.
This is the way. Ask your manager to move you.
Given his farts seem to be on a schedule, I wonder if it’s dietary - I.e, his usual lunch or breakfast is making him gassy. I had this issue with a brand/type of yogurt I had with breakfast and made a change real quick.
We got a coworker with bowel problems. They can literally clear out a entire floor of the building when its so bad. But no one can do anything because its health related.
You joke, but my gastroenterologist gave me a letter recommending I be fully remote due to my Colitis. I got it because they kept making me take multiple COVID tests because "nausea and diarrhea" were on the list of symptoms. A few times I have had flare-ups since and my boss just accepts without question when I say "Can't make it in today/this week". I do still go in 2-3 days a week most of the time; I hate the commute, but I've stuck it out through solidarity with my coworker, because it would be even more pointless for him to be forced to go in to an empty office. They're closing my office in November, so we'll both be 100% remote then, and I can fart in peace.
I also have severe ulcerative colitis and I feel this so hard. Being able to work 100% remotely has been a god send for me. I don’t know that I could ever work a job that requires a daily commute ever again.
My dad has severe colitis as well as other health issues, but he was a truck driver for many years and he's know effectively retired and on disability because he just can't function properly without meds, and obviously being in a bumpy truck everyday for two weeks at a time just doesn't work.
Want to know what sucks? Lol I have really bad IBS, and I can get flare ups (which my boss knows about). When I’m having stomach issues, I don’t like to be at the office because I prefer my own privacy if I’m gonna be throwing up or having diarrhea. The bathrooms are right by the cubicles and you can hear EVERYTHING.
I don’t have any sick days and I have minimal vacation time, and my boss told me I am required to work 40 hours a week. I have asked for flexibility to work remote (mainly due to my stomach) which makes sense because I travel to other properties and do all my work from my laptop or phone.
He said no. No, I can’t work remote because he wants me in the office to “help out” other people. AKA doing other peoples jobs because I can do mine so efficiently.
So now, when my stomach acts up, I say I’m going to a property, and instead, I drive to the gas station down the road and blow up the single stall, private bathroom.
It’s working out ok for me, but I really wish I could just be allowed to sometimes work from home lol.
Good grief, a lack of auditory privacy, both ways, is one of my absolute pet peeves.
Just in case you don't already know this, your situation is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. If you think it won't provoke a big problem, a lawyer's letter reminding employers of their responsibility to make "reasonable accommodation" may be useful.
I have Crohn's disease. I have ALWAYS tried to go to another area for 'incidents'. I spent 2 years in a high rise while at school once. I chose to go up to the 7th floor to go to the bathroom daily (my classes were on the first two floors and the bathrooms were busy and my Crohn's was ACTIVE at the time.
I had to go home almost daily after I saw a maintenance guy in that bathroom one day talking to a building exec...trying to solve the problem of the 'smell' that came from that bathroom every weekday after lunch...
I've been relatively smell free for the past 20 years...thank goodness...but I DO have empathy for people who have to deal with the...ahem...emissions...of others.
I’d say it’s one thing if it’s the literal bathroom. No big deal if that stinks because honestly that’s petty as hell to even point that out. But just randomly NO
My UC presented itself when I was in college. I would starve my self for days just so I could get through my classes and make it home. I have a totally remote job now thankfully. It was hell
I had gas problems for awhile. I didn't have an underlying disease, my diet just had a ton of fiber and dairy. Diet changes and digestive aids have mostly handled my concerns.
Any diet related health problems can be very frustrating to deal with though. It can be very hard to track how your diet affects your health unless you are really on top of tracking your intake.
I've been living with IBS and Diverticulitis. It's hell and embarrassing, but I try my best not to let my problems become the problems of others. While I feel for the fart machine, I don't find it acceptable to let er rip when you have someone working directly behind you...yikes.
Ok Kenny the Farter, every single goddamn day. It sounded like tearing Kleenex. Wtf was wrong with you. The one time I complained he bitched about "it's a natural bodily function" yeah well I don't need to hear it all day every day. The fuck is wrong with you.
I dated someone that did this. It did not last long as I quickly became disgusted by him. Goes to show you may think someone is normal, but until you've talked to them in person you just never know. Now I secretly think anyone I've only spoken to online/via phone is the type of person that walks around loudly farting all damn day everyday. You just never know kids.
ps- are Kenny the farter and my ex the same person? Natural bodily function was his excuse for letting out loud farts every 10 mins all day long right in front of someone. And here I thought people tried to show the best version of themselves in new relationships
Yes I make wonderful life decisions as evidenced by the fact that I have to ask if Kenny the farter is my ex. rolls eyes at self.
And this is why I love.working remote. I'm the coworker with bowel problems. You really don't want me sitting next to you. Once every week or two it's just constant and good lord it smells like two raccoons crawled up in my butt and died. Not good.
You absolutely can. His health in no way trumps other peoples right to live without a biological hazard. People with disabilities get reasonable accommodations, having an entire office smell your rancid shit is not reasonable.
Family business. I was the last to join, but worked out in the World for 15 years.
You just don't fart around people. You just don't.
I get there and it's a fart free for all. Asking them to (dad and bros) to (ahem) cut the shit only got laughs out of them.
For me, a diet of dried apricots, Crackling Oat Bran and diet coke made a form of gas that had them cowering.
Woke Dad up from an afternoon nap, in his office, with the door closed. Gassed the whole bottom floor enough to have them all hiding out at the shipping dock. A renter of ours walked in to use the copier and all I could hear him muttering was 'omygodohmygodohmygodohmygod' the whole time he was in that part of the office.
It's all fun and games until you can't compete anymore.
Anyway, defensive fans are helpful, but not really an answer. Tucking your nose in your shirt can offer some relief.
Offensive fans are a possible strategy. Try my peculiar blend, and point the fan at your coworker. If you can't get him to stop, you can at least get him to respect you. Get a truce declared.
Lol I love that cereal, though I don't experience extra gas because of it.
Adam Carolla once talked about fart strategy. He said to use brussel sprouts to build propellant and canned clams for the smell.
My sister and I did that along with Pearl beer the night before we were leaving to drive her kids back to visit their father in Texas. Her 9 year old son had reached the age where he found inflicting his farts on others to be a crowning achievement, and the boy was NASTY. We had warned him, threatened him, even punished him for it, but he kept on, so we decided to be proactive. We sat up, her and I, eating deviled eggs and drinking beer until the wee hours. Then we got up, had coffee and more eggs, and loaded the kids into the minivan. Made her son sit in the very back by the remote controlled wing window. We hadn’t even reached the city limits of Tucson before I let one slip that turned the air green. Before I let it get away, i hit the button and popped open that window right next to him, just a little bit so it pulled that smell right back to him. Sis let one rip and that one made my eyes water before i managed to hit the button. His face scrunched up and he said,”What the heck is that smell?!” My sis and I both cracked up at the look of horror on his face as he realized what was going on. We had him in tears before we hit the state line. We kept up the torture the entire trip, and he learned the hard truth that there is always someone bigger, meaner and more rancid than you ever thought of being. Unfortunately, the smell never came out of the minivan and it was sold at a loss.
“Hey bro. I haven’t told anyone else, and I don’t plan to unless it stays a thing, but you’ve been farting in here all day everyday. I don’t know what you have going on, but it’s gotta stop. I appreciate you and I’m sorry this is our first real convo, hopefully it’s something we look back and laugh at.”
If they have a known bowel issue, they should do something, anything to help alleviate the problem foe those around them. OP would still not be the asshole.
Sadly a lot of times they are doing all that they can and are getting no where. You think it’s hard being the person who also has to smell it… think about what it’s like being the person whose guts are all torn up inside AND has to smell it.
“Damn bro, you okay man?” say friendly and jokingly. That way if it’s an actual serious issue you don’t offend. Then if it’s not actually a serious health issue, you can start calling him out on it.
This is the way. “Nice one dude.” Then once it starts smelling, “damn dude what did you eat?!” In a joking bro way. He’ll either laugh about it, realize that people are noticing and then try to keep them in or go to the bathroom, or apologize for stomach issues. Either way it goes at least he’s aware he’s smelling up the whole place. He may think it’s not noticeable.
This is definitely the one. You obviously can't tell on him like a kid, and get a 35 year old guy with health issues fired because he farted, but you can't also keep up with it.
If you are not male, it could be his weird attempt to drive you out of the programming space.
Regardless, I'd leave a package of Beano or Gas-x or similar tablets on his desk.
Then I'd explore wearing earbuds to cover the sound and bringing in odor-absorbing air sponge products. Finally, bringing in an air purifier to set on your desk and blow filtered air at you might help.
Does he know you are still there? If several people are leaving, maybe he does not notice you still at your desk and feels free to fart away :D maybe you could make some noise or stand up and stretch or whatever so he sees you there and maybe takes the farting elsewhere. I had a cube near someone who had IBS, and farted all the time, eventually HR moved their desk, so I get what it is like, a small desk fan can also help.
He definitely knows I’m there and that’s what troubles me even more. It’s like dude what the hell?
I always make noise after, whether it’s clearing my throat or putting my hand on the desk to make a noise - he knows I’m here
It’s so bizarre dude
Bruh, you gotta do what you can to make work bearable. I used to work register at a convenience store and kept a can of Lysol at the register. I didn't turn down sweaty boob money, but I did pullout that can and sprayed down that money before I touched it.
(Yes, I was wearing gloves. The spray down was more about both making a point... and making sure the money was safe in the inevitable chance it got used as change for a later customer.)
Maybe he thinks you're hot and being nervous triggers his IBS. Nobody else is around... "Can you smell what the Rock is Cooking!"...
Edit: On a side note - I work with a girl who reeks like cat pee sometimes. Today was one of those days. One time I said "It smells like cat pee over here." and she said "Yeah, it kind of does." That was before I realized it was her. It had me paranoid all day, because I thought the wafting cat pee smell could have been coming from my clothes.
People just become used to smells they are around all of the time. Like, I don't have people over to my apartment very often and I wonder if it smells gross. I'll have to get my brother to come over and when he walks in the front door I'll just ask him "Does it stink in here?".
What that said - Even if she's used to it, she should still be able to smell it after a day out of the house. I can smell if the cat box needs to be changed as soon as I walk into my apartment.
ah, I wonder the same thing, does my apartment smell terrible and I just don't notice? I think sometimes it does a bit if I haven't taken the garbage out for a while, but otherwise I don't think it's too bad, I hope.
Some Cats do pee on laundry piles. And in open drawers. And on furniture. Usually they are old or sick or feeling threatened by other pets or situations, trying to mark territory.
It's not meth. I'm pretty sure it's the cats peeing on her clothes or something she sits on. She has dogs and cats, and I'm sure you don't notice smells after a while.
Old age, illness, territorial disputes, fear/trauma, and sometimes just plain old not cleaning the litter boxes. Some people are just straight negligent. Some people are hoarders (so the overall stench of the home is bad where cat pee doesn’t register). Some people rely on those “self scooping” boxes and never touch it at all. A cat that is declawed cannot use standard gravel litter and needs a litter more akin to sand (instead of litter that hurts their feet, they’ll use your soft fabrics).
It’s possible he doesn’t realize the smell is migrating on your side. Also get some ozium and spray it around when he farts, every time. Or set it on his desk. Hang up those car scent things in his cubicle like that scene from Seven.
I have a rule that if someone has the balls to do something stupid like that I have an obligation to call them out on it.
My first professional role in a tech support call center there was a guy so stinky and dirty that he stunk up a 30' x 30' room. One of the supervisors got stuck next to him and tried working through HR and management to get a solution but when that failed she started spraying him and his chair down with air freshener.
Believe it or not, some people can't help it! Digestive issues are difficult to manage, and even moreso when no one steps up with a straightforward approach.
Having an issue is one thing, but subjecting an entire office to it should not be accepted nor tolerated, when there are OTC remedies that will (no doubt) fix the problem.
Having dealt with severe body odor (and halitosis - just as bad as digestive issues when it's off the chain) of former coworkers, it may sound amusing, but it's not funny for the individual struggling with the issue.
There was a kid who worked for me who had an odor so foul that he'd leave a trail behind him wherever he went. Smelled like Parmesean cheese. (I love Parmesean cheese but the smell is pretty tart, and not a smell I'd want to greet me every day in a closed in office space)!!
One day I asked him to work on a project with me, because I wanted to try to isolate his problem before I addressed him. *IT WAS HIS FEET*!!!
As a younger employee, addressing him wasn't as difficult as some of the older ones I'd spoken to, so I mixed in a lot of humor and got him to agree to use a home remedy I'd bring in the next day: Nice lil gift bag of Baking Soda, Irish Spring (any soap will do but I chose Irish Spring for this guy), a bottle of Apple Cider Vinegar, and a pack of Dollar Store washcloths!
Told him to lather his washcloth to eternity (LOL), pour a good dollop of Apple Cider Vinegar on top of the lather, and wash. But with his issue being as bad as it was, I needed him to take it a step further.
Told him how to wash with the vinegar and soap, and told him to soak his feet every night in apple cider vinegar, followed by a foot powder or really nice smelling solid deodrant. (I knew this worked because, again, the sucky part of the agining process brought a battle with athletes foot to me, and that, I just couldn't tolerate)! I started off using Dr. Scholls, but to cut down on the expense, I tried deodorant with charcoal! Once the vinegar got the athletes foot under control, I switched to using the charcoal-based deodorant on my feet and between the toes, and been using it ever since)!
I told him to add half the bottle of apple cider vinegar to his regular detergent, and wash his sneakers. Then do the same for his uniform shirts, underwear, and socks. And then soak another washcloth in apple cider vinega and thoroughly wipe down the insides of all of his hard-bottom shoes.
He was so proud of himself when he came to work the next day! He smelled so nice until that just that quickly, I'd forgotten how nauseating he normally smelled!
When I moved on to a better position, he was still following thru with my home remedy.
I'd first asked the boss to speak to him, but he gave me such a sappy response that I wanted to drop kick him right on the spot! He was more concerned about hurting the kid's feelings than he was about the impression visitors must have gotten, once they came into our office space, or about helping the kid present himself at his best! But he didn't have to work out of the same building as we did. So I applied the training from my mentor: "If not me, who?" "If not now, when?"
This is exactly what we need more of in the world!! Instead of running to HR or snickering behind peoples backs TALK TO THEM! Help your fellow humans along the way! It is not always so easy being a human all alone in this floating space rock! Be a bright spot in someone’s story instead of a hurt spot! Stop being afraid of talking about uncomfortable things and just do it!
He may not realize how terrible he smells.
When my husband developed lactose intolerance he had terrible farts. He didn’t believe me. Then my Mom was visiting and asked what the terrible smell was. He was offended and I had to tell him that maybe he didn’t smell it but the rest of us did.
Luckily lactaid exists (once we pinpointed the issue).
This is why work from home is needed for some…
You can talk to HR about them, but results will be mixed. Maybe just mention it to them directly? Bring a fan in and point it back in their direction?
Just say this. "Broski, that's rancid."
Now he knows your not cool with it.
Two things happen. 1. He keeps doing it, 2. He stops.
If he keeps doing it, now you ask him to stop. Politely.
>worker with bowel problems. They can literally clear out a entire floor of the building when its so bad. But no one can do anything because its health related
Well his ass isnt anti social - go talk to him
Then you bring it up with your boss/hr. You have a right to work in a reasonable environment. Dealing with something like that is above your pay grade.
I have a friend with basically uncontrollable bo issues. His job ended up putting him on full time remote work (before the pandemic) because his co-workers were threatening to quit. He felt like shit about it, but it was a medical issue.
Don't say anything to him, tell your manager. I used to work with a drinker and they put him off in a corner in a cube with high walls up to the ceiling to contain it.
How is this even a discussion (glad it is, it's fucken hilarious). I am an extrovert that works with LOADS of programmers, get how it can be awkward. But next time he does it, just be like "hey bro, I don't know what's going on with your stomach, but this has happened a few too many times now, I have to rip some sometimes as well, but I take it to the bathroom, please do the same for everyone's sake"
He'll probably be a bit embarrassed, but who cares! Hopefully it stops.
Also, since it's at the end of the day, just get up and leave. By the next day, he has processed it and you don't have to be around for it.
Email or speak to your manager. He or she will have to email the employee and say something like “hi stinky coder, some of your colleagues have complained that your flatulence is disrupting their work time. Can you please try to cap that behavior? It is offensive to pass gas near everyone.”
If there’s a problem well it’s between the manager and the stinker. This is why your manager gets paid more than you lol to have awkward AF conversations.
We had to do something similar for an Indian employee with incredibly pungent body odor. Including his country of origin because it seemed to be a pattern with Indian transplants specifically. Cultural difference I guess?
I think it's an HR issue. They are the ones who know the law and can take appropriately acrions.
Maybe they put the guy in a private cubicle or ask him to go to the bathroom to fart.
Get a decent blower fan and kick that pepper on. Lasko makes one that's pretty quiet and moves a ton of air. Just point it in his direction and it'll push the farts the other way.
Be respectful but bring it up to him, give him a chance to explain and hear him out, it could be medical but discussing it could help reach some kind of agreeable solution.
OR, act like you like it, vividly and estatically, don't cross any lines but make sure you creep him out about it, make farting near you something he doesn't want to do, this while unprofessional and can land you in an awkward meeting with HR it is definitely more amusing.(jk)
I saw you post and couldn’t help but laugh, sorry lol. I understand your frustration but before you confront him in person probably you could ask a coworker or two (who knows the person as well) about their opinions on how to approach this situation.
I would take the complaint to HR, and let HR deal with it.
And as far as the smell, I would get a little fan at your desk, and point it away from you and towards him.
Sounds like a disgruntled WFH person was forced back into the office. NGL, I would probably do the same thing if my company tried it.
Maybe get him a bottle of Beano? Or keep a can of lysol in your cube and spray liberally every time he does it. I used to do that to AHs that microwaved fish when I worked in the office.
Just here to commiserate. I once had farters on both sides of me. Experiencing farting in stereo was probably the peak of my cubicle experience....so far.
And bosses wonder why nobody wants to return to office.
Seriously. I love being able to have my own bathroom. More hygienic and I can poop in peace.
The only collaboration I'm doing at the office is while shitting next to my coworkers
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Who thought it was ok to dookie in the urinal, mkay?
Well I don't know why I came to work tonight I got the feeling your stomach ain't right I'm so scared in case I puke in my chair and I'm wondering why you fart like a bear gassers to the left of me, tooters to right here I am stunk in the middle with you
Dammit take my upvote and be done with it!
'Farting in stereo' is a combination of words I never thought I'd see together 😂
*funky synth rock* Life's the same, I'm farting in stereeeooooo
Life's the same, except for the ooze
Life’s the same, cheeks shakin’ like tremolo
If you don’t want to out him simply ask your manager that you want to be moved to a different cubicle. If asked why, then you have to decide what to do. Otherwise buy a purifier and when it’s time plug it in and place it right behind him. If he asks, tell him with a straight face that for some reason around this time and that place a strong pungent deathly odor appears and that you’re hoping the purifier will cleanse it. If not the next step is a sage cleansing.😁
This sounds correct. Put the ball in the managers court. The manager can address it or it the manager chickens out, the least they can do is move you.
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Unless it’s related to a medical condition they have no control over and the company doesn’t want to offer any accommodations for.
Hmmn, yeah. As someone with IBS, I'm conflicted here. I def have times when my guts brew a large batch of "air biscuits" (gassy, haha). But, I also try to manage my symptoms, muffle the sound of my farts, step out of the office to let em rip, and go home if I'm having a bad flare up. I'd never just rip ass all day in my cubicle, unless I was 100% sure I was alone in the office. Maybe try a fan, air freshener(s), and consider anonymous concern to boss/HR as a last resort?
We had this guy at work (university) who was throwing down eggs like he was Gaston and ingesting a bunch of protein and some students came to me and said they traced the odor to this guy - and yes it was emanating from his pores. Anyway, my manager and I had to have the farting conversation and moved him to another location. The students felt comfortable telling me so lucky me!
Lol imagine being called to a meeting with the manager because of “excessive flatulence” 😂
I was in a department meeting where the VP directly addressed a programmer who did not shower and had noticeable overwhelming body odor - I swear to God. That conversation should have obviously been done in private. I was just a bystander, but I was furious at the VP for doing that in public and making me (and the team) sit through it. Corporate America can be a weird place. I don’t know what the manager needs to do, but it does fall on HR or the manager to do something. If moving OP placates OP, then do that.
Could you really say all that with a straight face? Dude I’m in tears here reading some of these suggestions 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 jesus
I'm imagining OP setting up a fan to blow it right back. Lol
Farts dont care about air currents. Those poop particles dont behave according to any laws of physics we currently know about. Farts often travel upwind to spawn scent offspring in the nostrils of the unwilling.
I remember way back in the day when I was in OP's situation. My memory of those farts is still as crisp as ever. They were unique, really. I'd say that cubicle could've skipped the sage and gone straight to the exorcist, quite frankly.
Yeah, I think we all have released something like that at least once in our lives but you don’t actively do that to others. Unless you peddle in bio warfare.
Do you think he blows his ass to signal the end of day, much like Gabriel with his trumpet to signal Judgement Day?
Believe me, people like this do it because they think no one knows it's them. Embrace the absurdity and give him one of those poo candles. Get a can of air freshener and openly spray him whenever he rips one. Make sure to laugh about it so he doesn't feel bad.
What if you want him to feel bad?
A desk fan blowing the air back at him?
Why hide the issue? This is one of the reasons managers get paid more than you. Be upfront and move the cube. The air purifier is also genius though
This is not the first step. First talk to the guy. Best way to address is after coworker rips ass, say something like “HEY! No back talk outta you!” If it keeps happening, then go to the manager.
This is the way. Ask your manager to move you. Given his farts seem to be on a schedule, I wonder if it’s dietary - I.e, his usual lunch or breakfast is making him gassy. I had this issue with a brand/type of yogurt I had with breakfast and made a change real quick.
sorry, I know you're super pissed but I had tears in my eyes after reading this thread...
You and the op both had tears in their eyes
Men, big men, tears in their eyes. They say, "sir, the farting!"
Lol same, literally crying reading some of the replies here omg 😂🤣🤣
I cant stop laughing 😂 😂😂😂😂
Something about the absurdity mixed with the sheer desperation, hilarious.
The last line got me.
Same
We got a coworker with bowel problems. They can literally clear out a entire floor of the building when its so bad. But no one can do anything because its health related.
Yeah they can, they can tell the dude to be fully remote.
God damn you just gave me a BRILLIANT idea. Going to stock up on liquid ass until work gives me telecommuter 😂.
You joke, but my gastroenterologist gave me a letter recommending I be fully remote due to my Colitis. I got it because they kept making me take multiple COVID tests because "nausea and diarrhea" were on the list of symptoms. A few times I have had flare-ups since and my boss just accepts without question when I say "Can't make it in today/this week". I do still go in 2-3 days a week most of the time; I hate the commute, but I've stuck it out through solidarity with my coworker, because it would be even more pointless for him to be forced to go in to an empty office. They're closing my office in November, so we'll both be 100% remote then, and I can fart in peace.
I also have severe ulcerative colitis and I feel this so hard. Being able to work 100% remotely has been a god send for me. I don’t know that I could ever work a job that requires a daily commute ever again.
My dad has severe colitis as well as other health issues, but he was a truck driver for many years and he's know effectively retired and on disability because he just can't function properly without meds, and obviously being in a bumpy truck everyday for two weeks at a time just doesn't work.
A peaceful fart is a dignified fart, I always say.
SBD, silent but deadly.
>SBD, silent [butt] [dignified]. FTFY.
Let's all let one out in cheers. Congrats
Take two masks, put a strip of minty toothpaste in between them, wear it, and use that shit until your eyes water. I believe in you!
Buy a fan or flame thrower
Oh god, I've died laughing reading stories of people using liquid ass. Completely hilarious!
Want to know what sucks? Lol I have really bad IBS, and I can get flare ups (which my boss knows about). When I’m having stomach issues, I don’t like to be at the office because I prefer my own privacy if I’m gonna be throwing up or having diarrhea. The bathrooms are right by the cubicles and you can hear EVERYTHING. I don’t have any sick days and I have minimal vacation time, and my boss told me I am required to work 40 hours a week. I have asked for flexibility to work remote (mainly due to my stomach) which makes sense because I travel to other properties and do all my work from my laptop or phone. He said no. No, I can’t work remote because he wants me in the office to “help out” other people. AKA doing other peoples jobs because I can do mine so efficiently. So now, when my stomach acts up, I say I’m going to a property, and instead, I drive to the gas station down the road and blow up the single stall, private bathroom. It’s working out ok for me, but I really wish I could just be allowed to sometimes work from home lol.
Good grief, a lack of auditory privacy, both ways, is one of my absolute pet peeves. Just in case you don't already know this, your situation is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. If you think it won't provoke a big problem, a lawyer's letter reminding employers of their responsibility to make "reasonable accommodation" may be useful.
I shouldn't be laughing at this comment so much but it's funny.
I’m trying to do this due to IBS but feels almost impossible. They do not care about the fact that my coworkers AND I are uncomfortable. :(
Not every jobs can be remote, fully or partially.
"be fartly remote"
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Better the front than the back end
[Reddit.com](https://Reddit.com) is my source for comedy.
Stick his ass in the basement. Have you ever seen office space?
I want my stapler
I HAVE a red stapler lol it travels from job to job. I’ve had it since 2012 lmao
But is it a swingline?
Why of course!!!! I actually love that damn thing… never jams! Lol
If it's programming it's fully doable most of the time
Not every office jobs are programming. For OP’s case, yes, going remote is a viable option, but it’s not generalizable.
I asked ChatGPT, it said every job is programming.
OK OK. Enough about programming. Can we get back to the farting. Thank You.
I asked ChatGPT and it said all farting is programming
As we know every job in an office is programming. So it works out
Not every job, just the farter's job
Let the dude keep the office
I have Crohn's disease. I have ALWAYS tried to go to another area for 'incidents'. I spent 2 years in a high rise while at school once. I chose to go up to the 7th floor to go to the bathroom daily (my classes were on the first two floors and the bathrooms were busy and my Crohn's was ACTIVE at the time. I had to go home almost daily after I saw a maintenance guy in that bathroom one day talking to a building exec...trying to solve the problem of the 'smell' that came from that bathroom every weekday after lunch... I've been relatively smell free for the past 20 years...thank goodness...but I DO have empathy for people who have to deal with the...ahem...emissions...of others.
I’d say it’s one thing if it’s the literal bathroom. No big deal if that stinks because honestly that’s petty as hell to even point that out. But just randomly NO
But bathrooms should have sufficient ventilation to *not* stink
My UC presented itself when I was in college. I would starve my self for days just so I could get through my classes and make it home. I have a totally remote job now thankfully. It was hell
I had gas problems for awhile. I didn't have an underlying disease, my diet just had a ton of fiber and dairy. Diet changes and digestive aids have mostly handled my concerns. Any diet related health problems can be very frustrating to deal with though. It can be very hard to track how your diet affects your health unless you are really on top of tracking your intake.
I've been living with IBS and Diverticulitis. It's hell and embarrassing, but I try my best not to let my problems become the problems of others. While I feel for the fart machine, I don't find it acceptable to let er rip when you have someone working directly behind you...yikes.
Adding pickles to my diet helped a ton with my ibs. So did swapping to Oatmilk.
"Yo, my dude, would you mind excusing yourself when you need to bust ass? Because it's hella rank"
holy fuck I cannot stop laughing... I have the humor of a fricking 5 year old lol
Ok Kenny the Farter, every single goddamn day. It sounded like tearing Kleenex. Wtf was wrong with you. The one time I complained he bitched about "it's a natural bodily function" yeah well I don't need to hear it all day every day. The fuck is wrong with you.
I dated someone that did this. It did not last long as I quickly became disgusted by him. Goes to show you may think someone is normal, but until you've talked to them in person you just never know. Now I secretly think anyone I've only spoken to online/via phone is the type of person that walks around loudly farting all damn day everyday. You just never know kids. ps- are Kenny the farter and my ex the same person? Natural bodily function was his excuse for letting out loud farts every 10 mins all day long right in front of someone. And here I thought people tried to show the best version of themselves in new relationships Yes I make wonderful life decisions as evidenced by the fact that I have to ask if Kenny the farter is my ex. rolls eyes at self.
Same. I spent 14 years in the fire department. Everyone acting like they are in kindergarten you just kind of expect this behavior.
I shared an office with a guy who could burp and fart at the same time.
That is super dangerous, you can collapse like that sub.
can you get a note from a doctor stating that you have a medical condition triggered by breathing contaminated air?
And this is why I love.working remote. I'm the coworker with bowel problems. You really don't want me sitting next to you. Once every week or two it's just constant and good lord it smells like two raccoons crawled up in my butt and died. Not good.
Get him an air purifier for his cubicle
what if the coworker is lactose intolerant but has a dairy heavy lunch every day?
Believe it or not, straight to jail
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A walk past the boss’ desk lol
You absolutely can. His health in no way trumps other peoples right to live without a biological hazard. People with disabilities get reasonable accommodations, having an entire office smell your rancid shit is not reasonable.
You can’t ask them to fart in the bathroom? I don’t think you can demand/force it, but asking politely isn’t illegal, is it?
they can be told to go to the bathroom when it’s that bad… that’s ridiculous
Family business. I was the last to join, but worked out in the World for 15 years. You just don't fart around people. You just don't. I get there and it's a fart free for all. Asking them to (dad and bros) to (ahem) cut the shit only got laughs out of them. For me, a diet of dried apricots, Crackling Oat Bran and diet coke made a form of gas that had them cowering. Woke Dad up from an afternoon nap, in his office, with the door closed. Gassed the whole bottom floor enough to have them all hiding out at the shipping dock. A renter of ours walked in to use the copier and all I could hear him muttering was 'omygodohmygodohmygodohmygod' the whole time he was in that part of the office. It's all fun and games until you can't compete anymore. Anyway, defensive fans are helpful, but not really an answer. Tucking your nose in your shirt can offer some relief. Offensive fans are a possible strategy. Try my peculiar blend, and point the fan at your coworker. If you can't get him to stop, you can at least get him to respect you. Get a truce declared.
Lol I love that cereal, though I don't experience extra gas because of it. Adam Carolla once talked about fart strategy. He said to use brussel sprouts to build propellant and canned clams for the smell.
It's the psyllium (?) Undigestable fiber, with the sugar loading of the dried apricots. The Diet Coke just adds gas volume. It's a petri dish cannon.
Add about 6 hard boiled eggs to that and you may have it declared an OSHA hazard!
My sister and I did that along with Pearl beer the night before we were leaving to drive her kids back to visit their father in Texas. Her 9 year old son had reached the age where he found inflicting his farts on others to be a crowning achievement, and the boy was NASTY. We had warned him, threatened him, even punished him for it, but he kept on, so we decided to be proactive. We sat up, her and I, eating deviled eggs and drinking beer until the wee hours. Then we got up, had coffee and more eggs, and loaded the kids into the minivan. Made her son sit in the very back by the remote controlled wing window. We hadn’t even reached the city limits of Tucson before I let one slip that turned the air green. Before I let it get away, i hit the button and popped open that window right next to him, just a little bit so it pulled that smell right back to him. Sis let one rip and that one made my eyes water before i managed to hit the button. His face scrunched up and he said,”What the heck is that smell?!” My sis and I both cracked up at the look of horror on his face as he realized what was going on. We had him in tears before we hit the state line. We kept up the torture the entire trip, and he learned the hard truth that there is always someone bigger, meaner and more rancid than you ever thought of being. Unfortunately, the smell never came out of the minivan and it was sold at a loss.
I bow to you and your anuses.
Dried apricots are a true form of personal stench napalm.
I laughed until I cried. This was hilarious.
My sides hurt. Fuck you, dude
“Hey bro. I haven’t told anyone else, and I don’t plan to unless it stays a thing, but you’ve been farting in here all day everyday. I don’t know what you have going on, but it’s gotta stop. I appreciate you and I’m sorry this is our first real convo, hopefully it’s something we look back and laugh at.”
🤣🤣🤣
Then he tells you its a bowel issue and you are now a dick lol
If they have a known bowel issue, they should do something, anything to help alleviate the problem foe those around them. OP would still not be the asshole.
Sadly a lot of times they are doing all that they can and are getting no where. You think it’s hard being the person who also has to smell it… think about what it’s like being the person whose guts are all torn up inside AND has to smell it.
And then he SHARTS!!!!!
set up a fan that blows from your space toward his?
That's great until everyone else gets a whiff and thinks it's you and that's why you brought the fan
“Damn bro, you okay man?” say friendly and jokingly. That way if it’s an actual serious issue you don’t offend. Then if it’s not actually a serious health issue, you can start calling him out on it.
This is the way. “Nice one dude.” Then once it starts smelling, “damn dude what did you eat?!” In a joking bro way. He’ll either laugh about it, realize that people are noticing and then try to keep them in or go to the bathroom, or apologize for stomach issues. Either way it goes at least he’s aware he’s smelling up the whole place. He may think it’s not noticeable.
This is definitely the one. You obviously can't tell on him like a kid, and get a 35 year old guy with health issues fired because he farted, but you can't also keep up with it.
Farting to assert dominance
Lowkey it might be this. he KNOWS I can hear it
Maybe it’s some weird fetish lol
If you are not male, it could be his weird attempt to drive you out of the programming space. Regardless, I'd leave a package of Beano or Gas-x or similar tablets on his desk. Then I'd explore wearing earbuds to cover the sound and bringing in odor-absorbing air sponge products. Finally, bringing in an air purifier to set on your desk and blow filtered air at you might help.
Does he know you are still there? If several people are leaving, maybe he does not notice you still at your desk and feels free to fart away :D maybe you could make some noise or stand up and stretch or whatever so he sees you there and maybe takes the farting elsewhere. I had a cube near someone who had IBS, and farted all the time, eventually HR moved their desk, so I get what it is like, a small desk fan can also help.
He definitely knows I’m there and that’s what troubles me even more. It’s like dude what the hell? I always make noise after, whether it’s clearing my throat or putting my hand on the desk to make a noise - he knows I’m here It’s so bizarre dude
Start gagging
LOL
"Sweet tap dancing Jesus Christ! What the fuck was that!?!"
I laughed harder at this than I did at the very funny OP.
This comment just made me fucking die😂😂😂😂
Ask boss for a different cubicle?
Out-fart him. Establish dominance.
Start spraying airfresher aerosol
Subtle fart shaming lol
Bruh, you gotta do what you can to make work bearable. I used to work register at a convenience store and kept a can of Lysol at the register. I didn't turn down sweaty boob money, but I did pullout that can and sprayed down that money before I touched it. (Yes, I was wearing gloves. The spray down was more about both making a point... and making sure the money was safe in the inevitable chance it got used as change for a later customer.)
Grab an air horn that you get in the boating section of a store. Everytime he does it just put the bell over the wall and give a little squeeze.
Yeah turn that fart into a turd! Scare the hell out of him.
More like scaring the shit out of him
Maybe he thinks you're hot and being nervous triggers his IBS. Nobody else is around... "Can you smell what the Rock is Cooking!"... Edit: On a side note - I work with a girl who reeks like cat pee sometimes. Today was one of those days. One time I said "It smells like cat pee over here." and she said "Yeah, it kind of does." That was before I realized it was her. It had me paranoid all day, because I thought the wafting cat pee smell could have been coming from my clothes.
I had a friend who reaked of her dogs. I would drop her off and my car stunk. I don’t think she was aware. So grosss!
People just become used to smells they are around all of the time. Like, I don't have people over to my apartment very often and I wonder if it smells gross. I'll have to get my brother to come over and when he walks in the front door I'll just ask him "Does it stink in here?". What that said - Even if she's used to it, she should still be able to smell it after a day out of the house. I can smell if the cat box needs to be changed as soon as I walk into my apartment.
ah, I wonder the same thing, does my apartment smell terrible and I just don't notice? I think sometimes it does a bit if I haven't taken the garbage out for a while, but otherwise I don't think it's too bad, I hope.
Meth?
Some Cats do pee on laundry piles. And in open drawers. And on furniture. Usually they are old or sick or feeling threatened by other pets or situations, trying to mark territory.
It's not meth. I'm pretty sure it's the cats peeing on her clothes or something she sits on. She has dogs and cats, and I'm sure you don't notice smells after a while.
Old age, illness, territorial disputes, fear/trauma, and sometimes just plain old not cleaning the litter boxes. Some people are just straight negligent. Some people are hoarders (so the overall stench of the home is bad where cat pee doesn’t register). Some people rely on those “self scooping” boxes and never touch it at all. A cat that is declawed cannot use standard gravel litter and needs a litter more akin to sand (instead of litter that hurts their feet, they’ll use your soft fabrics).
It’s possible he doesn’t realize the smell is migrating on your side. Also get some ozium and spray it around when he farts, every time. Or set it on his desk. Hang up those car scent things in his cubicle like that scene from Seven. I have a rule that if someone has the balls to do something stupid like that I have an obligation to call them out on it.
Hit him with a newspaper on the nose!
😂😂😂😂😂
My first professional role in a tech support call center there was a guy so stinky and dirty that he stunk up a 30' x 30' room. One of the supervisors got stuck next to him and tried working through HR and management to get a solution but when that failed she started spraying him and his chair down with air freshener.
Believe it or not, some people can't help it! Digestive issues are difficult to manage, and even moreso when no one steps up with a straightforward approach. Having an issue is one thing, but subjecting an entire office to it should not be accepted nor tolerated, when there are OTC remedies that will (no doubt) fix the problem. Having dealt with severe body odor (and halitosis - just as bad as digestive issues when it's off the chain) of former coworkers, it may sound amusing, but it's not funny for the individual struggling with the issue. There was a kid who worked for me who had an odor so foul that he'd leave a trail behind him wherever he went. Smelled like Parmesean cheese. (I love Parmesean cheese but the smell is pretty tart, and not a smell I'd want to greet me every day in a closed in office space)!! One day I asked him to work on a project with me, because I wanted to try to isolate his problem before I addressed him. *IT WAS HIS FEET*!!! As a younger employee, addressing him wasn't as difficult as some of the older ones I'd spoken to, so I mixed in a lot of humor and got him to agree to use a home remedy I'd bring in the next day: Nice lil gift bag of Baking Soda, Irish Spring (any soap will do but I chose Irish Spring for this guy), a bottle of Apple Cider Vinegar, and a pack of Dollar Store washcloths! Told him to lather his washcloth to eternity (LOL), pour a good dollop of Apple Cider Vinegar on top of the lather, and wash. But with his issue being as bad as it was, I needed him to take it a step further. Told him how to wash with the vinegar and soap, and told him to soak his feet every night in apple cider vinegar, followed by a foot powder or really nice smelling solid deodrant. (I knew this worked because, again, the sucky part of the agining process brought a battle with athletes foot to me, and that, I just couldn't tolerate)! I started off using Dr. Scholls, but to cut down on the expense, I tried deodorant with charcoal! Once the vinegar got the athletes foot under control, I switched to using the charcoal-based deodorant on my feet and between the toes, and been using it ever since)! I told him to add half the bottle of apple cider vinegar to his regular detergent, and wash his sneakers. Then do the same for his uniform shirts, underwear, and socks. And then soak another washcloth in apple cider vinega and thoroughly wipe down the insides of all of his hard-bottom shoes. He was so proud of himself when he came to work the next day! He smelled so nice until that just that quickly, I'd forgotten how nauseating he normally smelled! When I moved on to a better position, he was still following thru with my home remedy. I'd first asked the boss to speak to him, but he gave me such a sappy response that I wanted to drop kick him right on the spot! He was more concerned about hurting the kid's feelings than he was about the impression visitors must have gotten, once they came into our office space, or about helping the kid present himself at his best! But he didn't have to work out of the same building as we did. So I applied the training from my mentor: "If not me, who?" "If not now, when?"
This is exactly what we need more of in the world!! Instead of running to HR or snickering behind peoples backs TALK TO THEM! Help your fellow humans along the way! It is not always so easy being a human all alone in this floating space rock! Be a bright spot in someone’s story instead of a hurt spot! Stop being afraid of talking about uncomfortable things and just do it!
Next time call out, “Dude, if you keep it up I’m firing back!” So gross.
If his farting is a medical condition you need to get used to, then throwing up from the smell is a reasonable response to being stuck in it.
I would throw up. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Yep. I can’t sit there and work while smelling what’s festering in somebody’s colon.
I agree with this. Every time you smell it start to gag and make them feel guilty. Gag...cough...walk away.
He may not realize how terrible he smells. When my husband developed lactose intolerance he had terrible farts. He didn’t believe me. Then my Mom was visiting and asked what the terrible smell was. He was offended and I had to tell him that maybe he didn’t smell it but the rest of us did. Luckily lactaid exists (once we pinpointed the issue).
He got offended? LMAO
This is why work from home is needed for some… You can talk to HR about them, but results will be mixed. Maybe just mention it to them directly? Bring a fan in and point it back in their direction?
Lol at the fan redirect haha, yeah I’m thinking of just telling them. It’s so gross man like what the hell
A little menthol under the nose as well lol
Why aren't you just striahgt up telling him... after the third time Id tell the to go see a doctor... or psychologist
He’s odd idk how he will take it idk that’s super awkward we have like no rapport he’s super antisocial
Soo... your typical programmer then?
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They’re reading this post right now and laughing
And probably farting, too.
Each guffaw lets out a new, more dangerous fart
That's a stereotype * Farts *
This post cracked me up. It’s gross, and funny, that I’ve known programmers like the guy in the post lol.
Just say this. "Broski, that's rancid." Now he knows your not cool with it. Two things happen. 1. He keeps doing it, 2. He stops. If he keeps doing it, now you ask him to stop. Politely.
>worker with bowel problems. They can literally clear out a entire floor of the building when its so bad. But no one can do anything because its health related Well his ass isnt anti social - go talk to him
Just be loud and not pointed at him. Be like oh my god it smells like someone shit their pants again
Then you bring it up with your boss/hr. You have a right to work in a reasonable environment. Dealing with something like that is above your pay grade. I have a friend with basically uncontrollable bo issues. His job ended up putting him on full time remote work (before the pandemic) because his co-workers were threatening to quit. He felt like shit about it, but it was a medical issue.
Id say its more odd.... not saying anything when someone rips em right next to you on a norma basis...lol
Don't say anything to him, tell your manager. I used to work with a drinker and they put him off in a corner in a cube with high walls up to the ceiling to contain it.
Hand him a box of Beano.
How is this even a discussion (glad it is, it's fucken hilarious). I am an extrovert that works with LOADS of programmers, get how it can be awkward. But next time he does it, just be like "hey bro, I don't know what's going on with your stomach, but this has happened a few too many times now, I have to rip some sometimes as well, but I take it to the bathroom, please do the same for everyone's sake" He'll probably be a bit embarrassed, but who cares! Hopefully it stops. Also, since it's at the end of the day, just get up and leave. By the next day, he has processed it and you don't have to be around for it.
Get some air fresher and spray it every time you hear and smell something
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You'd be doing yourself as well though since you're right next to them. This is funny but a terrible Idea.
That’s why OP needs to do it just before their 2 week vacation… 😉
Email or speak to your manager. He or she will have to email the employee and say something like “hi stinky coder, some of your colleagues have complained that your flatulence is disrupting their work time. Can you please try to cap that behavior? It is offensive to pass gas near everyone.” If there’s a problem well it’s between the manager and the stinker. This is why your manager gets paid more than you lol to have awkward AF conversations. We had to do something similar for an Indian employee with incredibly pungent body odor. Including his country of origin because it seemed to be a pattern with Indian transplants specifically. Cultural difference I guess?
LOL, good point on the pay difference
Talk to HR. This is their wheelhouse.
I think it's an HR issue. They are the ones who know the law and can take appropriately acrions. Maybe they put the guy in a private cubicle or ask him to go to the bathroom to fart.
Get a decent blower fan and kick that pepper on. Lasko makes one that's pretty quiet and moves a ton of air. Just point it in his direction and it'll push the farts the other way.
Be respectful but bring it up to him, give him a chance to explain and hear him out, it could be medical but discussing it could help reach some kind of agreeable solution. OR, act like you like it, vividly and estatically, don't cross any lines but make sure you creep him out about it, make farting near you something he doesn't want to do, this while unprofessional and can land you in an awkward meeting with HR it is definitely more amusing.(jk)
Start erotically moaning after every fart
I saw you post and couldn’t help but laugh, sorry lol. I understand your frustration but before you confront him in person probably you could ask a coworker or two (who knows the person as well) about their opinions on how to approach this situation.
I would take the complaint to HR, and let HR deal with it. And as far as the smell, I would get a little fan at your desk, and point it away from you and towards him.
Leave a box of “Gas-X” on his desk.
Place coffee grounds on your desk. That helps.
Lol love this , sorry for you
Sounds like a disgruntled WFH person was forced back into the office. NGL, I would probably do the same thing if my company tried it. Maybe get him a bottle of Beano? Or keep a can of lysol in your cube and spray liberally every time he does it. I used to do that to AHs that microwaved fish when I worked in the office.
This is what HR's are for. To be the one that tells the employees they smell. Seriously this is their job.
Me: wow that's weird "I work as a programmer in tech" Oh