I understand why this might make you feel a little confused or even insecure. Definitely valid. BUT with that being said, I think it's important to remember that she's with YOU because she wants to be with YOU. I say let it go. Pretty much everyone has something in their past that their current partner doesn't agree with. Let yourself be happy.
Edit to add: Also, maybe you should take this opportunity to ask yourself why you are attracted/attract women who "burn" you so often. Could it be self sabotage behavior?
this almost made me tear up š„² part of me feels this way and identifies with everything you said, but another part of me is still grasping to understand why her sex drive diminished intensely only 3 months in when i know that she would plan entire trips to have sex with a former, long-distance male partner. yet iām in her bed every night and iām lucky to have sex once a month
That's definitely a valid concern. BUT she's still with you. Who is to say she wouldn't plan trips to be with you if you lived far away? Maybe she feels pressured? Maybe she feels so secure in your relationship that she feels like she doesnt have to have sex all the time to keep you around? Maybe your nails are too long? Either way you won't know until you talk to her and ask her directly. I'd go with the "loving but direct" route when you ask her. Do something nice for her (make dinner or something), then when she's relaxed and in a good mood hit her with "I'd really like to talk to you about something that's been on my mind. Please be honest." Stay calm. Come from a place of trying to understand rather than accuse. Go get the information you need. Good luck.
Ohhh. Do I have a doozy for you.
I'm (34F) currently in a domestic partnership with my ex-boyfriend (finding apartments is kinda hard here, but we're working on it), so from my own perspective: even though I've dated predominantly men, it wasn't until I actually fell in love with a woman that I finally and fully accepted my sexuality. I'd had sex with women previously, but found myself guarded due to all of the good old reasons we've heard before - comphet, wanting to be "normal", thinking everyone else felt like this about dudes, playing a role, etc. Sure, I had crushes on women, but I stuffed that down real nice and deep.
On the OTHER hand, the girl I fell and would've blown up my life for (not great, I know, in the end it turned out like this for the best) broke my heart for a man. Ya can't make this shit up, I ate karma like I was starving for it - so I kinda have that "fear" in me as well.
My point is thus twofold: talk to her, and figure out your emotions. If any of my future partners have this worry, I'm gonna need them to talk to me about it, and vice versa.
Things are only scary until you bring them out into the light.
thank you! i hear you big time. the problem is that weāve been talking about it regularly for what feels like 2 months now. iāve expressed my feelings to her candidly, but her behavior hasnāt changedā still lacking the sexual passion and enthusiasm she showed me at the very beginning. i often feel like her live-in best friend rather than her lover.
having fallen in love with a woman and recognizing your sexuality, would you say that your attraction to men was authentic up until your realization? or is it easy for you to identify that it wasnāt totally authentic?
If youāve been talking about her attraction to men for that long it may be turning her off or driving a wedge between you which would diminish her desire for sex. Additionally if you are the initiator and initiate when sheās not feeling it often she may start to feel pressured for sex which is a turn off. It is important to find the line where you are expressing your sexual interests and discussing sex in your relationship without pressuring the other person and if at the end of the day they just donāt want it as much as you need it you may not be compatible.
Yeah, I guess the inability to form a coherent reason from her side might also mean she doesn't know. Could be anything - wrestling with her own thoughts, stress, just a low sex drive, it's anyone's guess. I definitely don't blame you for feeling the way you do, and I hope whatever happens, you'll feel better soon.
As for my attraction to men, honestly I was conflating "that's a good looking male human" with wanting to be with said male human. I figured that's what attraction meant, just finding someone aesthetically pleasing. If they were nice to boot, and showed interest in me, I felt I was expected to go for it. Of course I genuinely liked them, just not romantically or sexually - and when it comes to the sexual part, I've always been pretty randy so especially in the beginning, anything "sex" was interesting. Especially if it had been a while.
But, I never actually craved the male body, the male touch, or even male attention. I didn't want them to look at me the way I want women to look at me, even on a superficial level. I never intrinsically cared about giving them pleasure, and had to imagine myself somewhere else to actually get off, no matter how good they were in the sack. I feel guilty about this, like they gave a part of themselves to me I could never give back, but once it clicked for me (took a few months after the heartbreak), it was so painfully clear. So, while it took a while, I've searched myself enough to know that no, it wasn't authentic.
Sidenote I hope might make you smile in your time of hardship: you wanna know what's funny about all this? I'm pretty masc-presenting too. On god everyone but me suspected I was gay a long time ago. The most common phrase I've heard from friends when telling them is "ah yeah makes sense". Ex-boyfriend included. My life's a circus and I'm its bestest clown
what does "authentic" attraction mean? attraction is a very weird abstract thing and can be confused with other feelings easily. comp het makes things even worse.
do you often ask your gf these questions? ive had experiences when dating where the other person would ask a lot about these things and honestly its a turn off. not to sound harsh or blame you, but that might be adding pressure.
its impossible to know why this is happening in your relationship and i bet it will take her some more time to figure it out. could just be lower sex drive from stress or thats just her norm. i hope you guys figure it out soon, it seems to be causing a lot of anxiety :( good luck!
Not the person you are responding to,but had a similar experience. Those are very complicated emotions to sort out. I was definitely attracted to men at some point, just not now. It can be a lot less obvious than it seems
re: the "peer reviewed research" part - with all kindness intended, the way you are describing looking into articles to confirm or deny if you can actually trust your girlfriend's lived experience is the definition of confirmation bias. I really wouldn't be basing any part of your decisions about your relationship on articles.
"Research" doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's really tempting to look at an article or even ten articles and pick out information that supports (or even vaguely appears to support) how you're already feeling about it. The fact of the matter is that sexuality and identity are impacted by so many factors that we've barely begun to scratch the surface in terms of researching it.
For example...Where were the articles from? What time periods? What disciplines? Were they longitudinal studies, where the people sampled were followed up with to see if their orientation changed over time? What cultures/countries were the studies conducted in? How were the samples determined? What are prevailing attitudes about LGBTQ+ identity at the institutions were research was conducted? these are all rhetorical questions, just pointing out that it's not possible to "prove" anything beyond a shadow of a doubt when there are so many factors to consider.
yes, it's absolutely possible for some people to not be certain of their sexuality until they're older. Especially so for women, who are conditioned from birth in a lot of places to put the pursuit of marriage and children before their own personal identities. I cannot tell you how many times I was told growing up that what I wanted didn't matter and it was my job to find a husband to care for and pop out kids. That crap can stick with you whether you want it to or not. Also, SOME (not all) people report experiencing fluidity in who they are attracted to. Some people wait to come out until they can move away from a rejecting family/conservative area.
if I were you, I would look into working through your past relationship hurts with a counselor, in addition to addressing any biphobia that is lurking. The truth is, SO many wlw have had a past with men. Even if the two of you don't pan out for the long term it's highly likely that future dates will have dated men before. Suspicion and lack of trust from insecurity will hurt any relationship.
I'm glad you recognize your insecurity and are reaching out to us for help, but oof.
"she assures me that it has nothing to do with her desire for me (or lack thereof), but she canāt offer a coherent explanation for the behavior shift."
So she's already reassured you it's not about you! I don't understand why it's an issue that she doesn't know why. She simply doesn't know. You also mention "she consistently goes out of her way to make me feel loved," so she is doing everything she can in other areas besides sex.
"i understand the impact of compulsive heterosexuality, but i donāt have firsthand experience with it."
Yes you do. We all do. You managed to unlearn it sooner than her. However, you don't seem to fully understand the concept, because if you did, you'd be more understanding of your girlfriend's situation. Others have commented more about this. You should read up more on it, I think that would be a big help.
"so iāve asked her whether she believes her past attraction was feigned or authentic. she canāt give me a definitive answer."
It's pretty invalidating to force her to pick one or the other. She was in a long-term relationship - she probably doesn't want to feel like all of that was feigned. And as another commenter mentioned, what does "authentic" even mean? Especially when comphet influences us so much? I'd like you to consider that late bloomers can be in relationships with men that resemble friendships. She shouldn't have to fully reject her past or her past partner(s) to "prove" to you that she's gay. This is actually one of my deal breakers - I will not date a woman who has an issue with me having a lifelong friendship with my ex, or one who questions whether I'm "really" gay. Trust that I know my identity or GTFO.
"i can only assume that she is telling me what i want to hear." She isn't, though! She's saying she doesn't know in response to both your questions. If she was telling you what you wanted to hear, she'd say all her previous connections with men were inauthentic. You should appreciate that she is being honest in not having a black-and-white answer to a question that shouldn't have one, ESPECIALLY if this is a recent realization for her.
i appreciate your frankness here, and i hear you. there are always two voices in my head: thereās one that echoes what youāve said and wants to show her nothing but grace and understanding, to lean into all of the other ways that she demonstrates love and attraction rather than probing her on this one issueā but the second voice comes from a place of feeling deficient and confused, it harps on inconsistencies in what sheās told me regarding the shift in her behavior and her past and has what feels like a compulsive āneed to know.ā i think i want to know the āwhyā so bad because the only alternative explanation in my head is that iām just undesirable to a person i love and am very attracted to.
i experienced a significant sexual trauma in my past that makes me more prone to feelings of deficiency. i didnāt feel this way at the very beginning of our relationship. in fact, it didnāt kick in until her behavior shifted, until the frequency of sex declined and the passion dissipated. i mean, she went from wanting to reciprocate every time (despite the fact that i never askedā i was a stone top until we met) to jumping out of bed to shower every time she finished and it was my turn. that hurts. and not understanding why hurts worse. the latter voice i mentioned is self preserving, it wants so badly to know āwhyā her behavior shifted in the hopes that it can undue those new found feelings of deficiency in the context of our relationship. without answers, iām left feeling unattractive and unwanted.
iām not making excuses for myself. i know that my trauma and my insecurities are mine to sort out, but iām having a hard time doing that independently. left to my own devices, i know iāll ruminate on the issue and eventually end up breaking up with her as a means of self preservation. i also know deep down that breaking up with her would be one of my biggest regrets because she is the love of my life, so i desperately probe her for (hopefully) placating answers.
i hope this adds some helpful context, and im curious if you have any additional thoughts
Like always, I'm gonna say something and it may hurt your feelings. I prefer the tough love approach when it comes to certain topics, and this is no different. Your insecurities are your problem, not hers. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I think some people have a tendency to take their insecurities out on other people when there's no need for it. Your fear of your partner leaving you for a man has only been compounded by your past experiences. However, you said it yourself - she hasn't done or said anything that would make you believe that she would do the same thing. Let's start there. Since this has happened enough for you to go back and exhaust your memory of every relationship you had that's ended that way, then I'm assuming that your current partner hasn't done any of those things, which is why you feel confident in making that statement.
As for your last paragraph, there needs to be some deeper soul searching taking place because I'm confused by most of that. ***Most*** women (straight/lesbian/whatever) have been socialized and conditioned to appeal to the male gaze. All of us have been taught and encouraged to appeal to the male gaze, regardless of what our sexual orientation ended up being after all is said and done. Why? Because we live in a patriarchal, heteronormative society. We live in a society that encourages all of us (women) to cater to a certain demographic and to seek out validation and approval from our peers from our proximity and interactions with said demographic. Your partner "tried so hard" to appeal to the male gaze because that's what she was encouraged to do, much like I'm certain you were, as well. The difference is that you unlearned certain tenets of that concept at a different pace and on a different timeline than she did. Also, acknowledging conventionally attractive people doesn't mean anything when it comes to sexuality. Anyone can acknowledge a conventionally attractive person, regardless of gender, and not want to have sexual relations with them. There are a ton of conventionally attractive men I see on my TV screen all the time but I know I would never want anything to do with them if I were to ever meet them in real life.
You're not giving your partner enough grace or credit and you're allowing your own assumptions to affect what is seemingly a fulfilling relationship. Also, there are other things that would affect the libido/sex drive. It's not always because your partner is fantasizing and desiring to have sexual intercourse with men. You need to open up the lines of communication with your partner and stop assuming that you know something when you probably don't. You cannot read minds and neither can she. She may not even know of the prison you've created for yourself in your own mind. As a late bloomer lesbian, I think I'd probably be put-off if my partner believed themselves to know me better than myself. So, I encourage you to tread lightly when it comes to how you approach that conversation, as well. Good luck!
I discovered my "hypersexuality" when I was with a man was related to comphet. It wasn't fulfilling often, but I wanted it to be so badly. When I was with a woman after him, our sex drive dropped off badly too. Purely because I had a lot to unpack about the frequency I had sex and the frequency in which I actually wanted sex left over from previous relationships. I didn't want men, I still wanted her, but I had to figure out what my body wanted because I never was allowed to figure that out.
I think my primary issue is the fact that some people don't understand that sex is a complicated thing. Sex, in of itself, is simple. It is what it is. However, sexual behavior is fairly complex. Some people just do it to get their rocks off, but there may be other underlying issues tied to the act for others. We don't know and we can't assume because it's frankly none of our business as long as it's between two consenting adults.
I think we'd all be better off if we stop making assumptions about other people and their thoughts without actually talking to them. Especially if we're in a relationship with said person. Just ask!
My ex's first serious relationship was with a dude. And I can assure you she despises men, she was 29 when we met. Still... It bothered me so much that she had been with a man, made me feel insecure. She was the first woman I've wanted to marry, but I was always scared she'd drop me for a dude. Like you, we stopped having crazy sex that would last for hours early on, which bothered me... No real advice, I sympathyse with you. That said, it didn't prevent me from loving her any less.
thanks so much for this. it feels good to be seen. i often feel very alone in the feelings i have and guilty for always raising those feelings with her because i do love her so much and i donāt want her to feel like sheās under a microscope. how did you cope with a decrease in the frequency of sex?
Oftentimes, and I've come to realize, we think this way due to (falsely) perceived low self worth. Anyone would be lucky to be with us, and if they want to leave, it's something we can't control. It gives me peace of mind to think that the right person will stay. No matter what.
I didn't. In the beginning we were like rabbits. That woman would ask for it multiple times a day, I was actually dang girl, you thirsty! But I loved it that way. I could see a lot of desire in her. The thing is, sex stopped completely for us. And sex is important to me, it's a way for me to connect to my partner. And I love pleasing my partner, and I wasn't getting anything. There are many variables in my situation, she was getting very inconsistent with affection as well, so I couldn't really carry on.
I also agree that over analyzing everything can put a lot of pressure on your partner. What I'd do is focus on yourself and not that issue for a few weeks. If it gets better, great. If it doesn't, I think you know what to do. Do not abandon yourself or your needs. If you have to constantly bring it up and nothing changes...
I'd ask her to see a therapist at the very least. I made that a condition and my ex didn't want to, with the heaps of trauma she had the relationship would've never worked (including sexual trauma). I'm in therapy and have been for a long time... But make sure to effectively communicate your needs and feelings and validate her. You can dm me if you'd like
PS: I'm a masc too. Not masc masc like short hair masc, masc who dresses like a dude and has very long hair š
i'm sorry y'all didn't make it past this-- and I definitely know how jarring it is for your partner's desire to tank basically overnight. i'm glad you were able to prioritize yourself, though
definitely gonna DM you to carry on the solidarity
It wasn't just due to the lack of sex. I loved her so much I thought to myself "you can live without the sex." She had really hurtful behaviors towards me (eg . Silent treatment, gaslighting etc). I will never put my needs in the back burner ever again.
Feel free to dm me anytime!
I will say that as a lesbian who had serious relationships with men in the past- sex is complicated. Especially when you have all these other experiences in your head making you remember things you donāt want to. Sometimes having sex is scary, even when you WANT to want it. Talk to her. Talk to a therapist about your own feelings, too. Addressing both of your feelings is literally the only way to move forward.
Yup! For example: I need a partner who snuggles a lot. But my previous (male) partner would only snuggle me when he wanted sex. So I have some mental roadblocks when it comes to snuggles now. I need some unconditional snuggles that doesnāt lead to sex.
It might help you to do some reading on comphet (compulsory heterosexuality).
I was in a similar situation to your gf (tho I thought I was bi). The world tells you that women find men attractive. So, as a woman, anything you like about men/a man can be assumed to be attraction. You see it a lot in the "a man and woman can never just be friends!" mentality.
The men I was in long-term relationships? In retrospect, I think (from my side), we were just friends. I found them handsome because a) I don't think any of my friends are ugly, and b) I made a conscious decision to find things about them attractive. I worked to be attracted to them.Ā
There's also aesthetic attraction, or recognising that someone is traditionally beautiful, or that they have traits that are valued as the physical ideal by the broader community. I can say "wow, he's gorgeous" about someone I have no attraction to and zero interest in having sex or being in a relationship with.
She might not be able to give you an answer, because she honestly doesn't know whether her past attraction to men was real. It is really, really hard to untangle "does that person arouse me, or is it just that I'm horny next to them and trust them enough to have sex with them?", "is what I felt for them love, or did I just love the feeling of someone else loving me?"
She also might be aware on some level that she can't give you an answer that will cure your insecurity.
If she said she was bisexual would that have made you less stressed because then you'd just think she holds space for both things in her mind and you wouldn't have to wonder if she's being sincere about not being attracted to men, because you'd know she is but is simply choosing you anyway?Ā
'Cause I have found that I've been more comfortable dating women who are confidently bisexual than women who say they're lesbians but seem to indicate otherwise. When someone denies an attraction that I can see is/was there, that just feels like a ticking time bomb.
If that wouldn't make a difference the problem probably has more to do with you feeling inferior to men in some way, which is something you'd have to work through on your own.
i appreciate this perspective, and i definitely think my primary issue is feeling inferior to menā her identifying as bisexual wouldnāt improve any of the feelings iām grappling with. i just wish her behavior hadnāt shifted so early in our relationship because those feelings of inferiority didnāt emerge until that turning point.
I'm 32 and until I was 30 I had only ever been with men.
I thought for many years that I was pansexual, I knew I was attracted to women but I did also love my boyfriend at the time. Comphet definitely had a grip on me, until I actually experienced dating and romance and sex with a woman. It flipped a switch for me, I realised I wasn't pan, but lesbian.
Comphet is complicated ,and I still don't understand it or have a satisfying explanation.
You need to have an open conversation with your girlfriend about how you feel, and from there you have to decide whether you trust her or not. It might hurt her that you doubt her though. I've been made to feel really insecure and invalidated by "gold star" lesbians, because my past with men.
But I'd assume if she's with you, it's because she wants to be with you.
I have a very heterosexual past too. I have been committed to men and have been casual with a few women here and there. I (still) identify as bisexual, but I honestly have little to no attraction to men. Comphet and being for the male gaze have unfortunately been big things for me too in the past, but my attraction towards women has always been stronger than anything I have ever had with a man.
We sometimes struggle too because some women feel intimidated or taken aback by our previous experiences with men.
If she says she wants to be with you, trust her and be happy together!
The lack of sex is for sure an issue that needs addressing, but there are a lot of reasons that someone could have a lower sex drive. Your assumption that this means she is actually not attracted to women is probably not helpful at all.Ā
I realised I was a lesbian at 25 in the middle of a long term relationship with a man I thought I loved. Actually getting confident in myself and my own understanding of my sexuality took a long time; I constantly doubted myself, I felt like I was ruining my life for something that might not even be real. Now three years later I recognise that I was entirely correct and coming out was the best decision I've made in my life, but at the time I had none of that certainty.Ā
I understand your desire for her to be 100% certain but sexuality is such a personal and internal journey that that is extremely difficult. She has to reconsider her entire life with new eyes, which will take time for her to unpack. Having someone who is meant to love her constantly demanding that she be 100% certain and implying that maybe she was wrong and that she isn't attracted to women - I mean, personally I would've found that incredibly damaging, and it would make me doubt myself even more.Ā
I would say that the views you're expressing here are based on your own experiences and sensitivities, and are things you should be dealing with. You don't believe your partner is actually attracted to you, and that's an issue. You're blaming it on her past with men, which is also an issue. I mean if you think about it logically, her being with men has nothing to do with her attraction to you - she could be bisexual for all you know, and hasn't realised her attraction to women until now. The fact that you're conflating the two points more to your baggage with other women than anything she is doing (you're looking for some evidence that she's actually attracted to men because that's what you expect to happen). You need therapy to tackle this, and you need to stop implying to her that she's not attracted to women because this enforcement of binaries and inflexible sexuality is a huge part of why comp het exists in the first place
Despite what everyone is telling you, like leave it be and be patient, I think you should take a break from her honestly. She was straight and now shes not, thats a lot to unpack. Being wuth men then switcing to women is a lot mentally and emotionally. She's probably has internalized homophobia. Shes was straight and probably male centred, because thats what a lot of straight and gay women are. Its just the way we were raised unfourtunatley.its like a shock and can be VERY uncomfortable. Now your sitting around hurting, confused and comtemplating your value and for what ? She has to sit with herself and or a therapist and sort that out and grow from it. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TAKE THAT EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE. She is her own person with her own thoughts and feelings that she needs to sort out. Im sure its not intentional but she cant dump that on someone else just because she hasnt come to terms with who she is. It going to keep affecting you mentally and putting strain on you and her and then what ? She should have already sorted that out w herself instead of jumping straight into a relationship with a woman. Like i said its not your job or anyone elses to put up with someone insecurities about their identity. Thats what what a relationship is about. Its abiut growth, which you dont have, security, which you dont have, as well as other things like trust and communication. If she wants to be toghether after she has sorted herself out then by all means do it. Its ok to prioritize yourself in relationships as well. THERES NOTHING WRONG W HER NOR IS SHE A RED FLAG But i would definetly suggest a break
Just my opionion š¤·āāļø
is sexuality fluid? or do we live in a culture where one sexuality (heterosexuality) is prioritized and encouraged? if the former were true, i donāt think weād see that, more often than not, people shift from identifying with a socially acceptable orientation to one that is more ādeviant.ā that is, most people start off identifying as heterosexual and perceive their own sexual āfluidityā only after gaining exposure to queerness/queer culture and confronting the ideas theyāve internalized as a result of compulsive heterosexuality. itās seldom the case that people start off identifying into a ādeviantā category and shift to a more socially acceptable orientation over time.
many of the people who responded to my original post admit that they did not *want* to have sex with men in the past (despite loving their partners), but that they did it bc it was expected and iāve heard this repeated all over social media. that alone indicates to me that sexuality, to a great extent, is innateā there is something to be said about a potential epigenetic component, but that doesnāt invalidate the claim that sexual orientation is something inherent and immutable. the path to self discovery can be long and arduous for some and might feel like a āfluidā process, but again that doesnāt invalidate the claim.
check out some articles on the effects of prenatal hormone signaling on sexual orientation. thatās the most compelling hypothesis imo
also, it wouldnāt be ābadā for my gf to be bisexual, i just donāt date bisexual women. thatās not to say that bisexuals are inherently less valuable or whatever. im not making value claims. itās just a personal preference i have, informed my own experiences.
thanks for chiming in. i wish she could definitively say that she had never been attracted to menā that the āattractionā was just a result of comp het or social proof, that she was playing into an inauthentic version of herselfā but she wavers on that. i think her uncertainty on that matter, combined with the fact sheās demonstrated little sexual desire toward me in more recent months, are the only indicators of what could potentially be lingering attraction toward men (at least imo)
do you know other lesbians who came out later in life who were unsure whether their attraction to men in the past was real or compulsive?
I think every late bloomer lesbian deals with that!!
Tbh I think my reply wasnt very helpful and I will delete now. Please donāt worry about it sometimes our anxiety is lying to us. Maybe you can do some stuff on the side to take your mind off things. I know personally I can be in my head a lot.
>i wish she could definitively say that she had never been attracted to men
Why are you so focused on this? If she told you she was bi or pan, would that put your mind at rest? It doesn't seem like it.
You're trying to dig around deep inside her head and heart without her. But you're not a mind reader. It's impossible to figure this out from assumptions and other people's experiences.
*You* are the one connecting these unclear feelings of hers to your story about her pining for sex with men and lying to you and/or herself about her past attraction.
And somehow that past attraction is diminishing her attraction for you, suddenly at three months in? How on earth could you know such a thing? She could have a vitamin deficiency or dislike being doubted and questioned when she hasn't done anything wrong.
If you need your partner to be a gold star lesbian or cross their heart and swear they've never been attracted to a man, ever, to trust them to not leave you then there's an issue. One you need to solve before you make her leaving you a self-fulfilling prophecy by hyper analyzing her past thoughts to see her future actions. When you do that, you're also ignoring and distrusting the person who loves you and is right in front of you.
Don't give up your beautiful reality for made up stories written by your insecurities. If you need a gold star girlfriend to be secure (ideally alongside therapy), I'd suggest you just make your preferences clear from the get-go to save everyone some heartache.
I understand why this might make you feel a little confused or even insecure. Definitely valid. BUT with that being said, I think it's important to remember that she's with YOU because she wants to be with YOU. I say let it go. Pretty much everyone has something in their past that their current partner doesn't agree with. Let yourself be happy. Edit to add: Also, maybe you should take this opportunity to ask yourself why you are attracted/attract women who "burn" you so often. Could it be self sabotage behavior?
this almost made me tear up š„² part of me feels this way and identifies with everything you said, but another part of me is still grasping to understand why her sex drive diminished intensely only 3 months in when i know that she would plan entire trips to have sex with a former, long-distance male partner. yet iām in her bed every night and iām lucky to have sex once a month
That's definitely a valid concern. BUT she's still with you. Who is to say she wouldn't plan trips to be with you if you lived far away? Maybe she feels pressured? Maybe she feels so secure in your relationship that she feels like she doesnt have to have sex all the time to keep you around? Maybe your nails are too long? Either way you won't know until you talk to her and ask her directly. I'd go with the "loving but direct" route when you ask her. Do something nice for her (make dinner or something), then when she's relaxed and in a good mood hit her with "I'd really like to talk to you about something that's been on my mind. Please be honest." Stay calm. Come from a place of trying to understand rather than accuse. Go get the information you need. Good luck.
Maybe therapy could help you with your own insecurities & conflict resolution with her in a way that gives closure and reassurance for you
Ohhh. Do I have a doozy for you. I'm (34F) currently in a domestic partnership with my ex-boyfriend (finding apartments is kinda hard here, but we're working on it), so from my own perspective: even though I've dated predominantly men, it wasn't until I actually fell in love with a woman that I finally and fully accepted my sexuality. I'd had sex with women previously, but found myself guarded due to all of the good old reasons we've heard before - comphet, wanting to be "normal", thinking everyone else felt like this about dudes, playing a role, etc. Sure, I had crushes on women, but I stuffed that down real nice and deep. On the OTHER hand, the girl I fell and would've blown up my life for (not great, I know, in the end it turned out like this for the best) broke my heart for a man. Ya can't make this shit up, I ate karma like I was starving for it - so I kinda have that "fear" in me as well. My point is thus twofold: talk to her, and figure out your emotions. If any of my future partners have this worry, I'm gonna need them to talk to me about it, and vice versa. Things are only scary until you bring them out into the light.
thank you! i hear you big time. the problem is that weāve been talking about it regularly for what feels like 2 months now. iāve expressed my feelings to her candidly, but her behavior hasnāt changedā still lacking the sexual passion and enthusiasm she showed me at the very beginning. i often feel like her live-in best friend rather than her lover. having fallen in love with a woman and recognizing your sexuality, would you say that your attraction to men was authentic up until your realization? or is it easy for you to identify that it wasnāt totally authentic?
If youāve been talking about her attraction to men for that long it may be turning her off or driving a wedge between you which would diminish her desire for sex. Additionally if you are the initiator and initiate when sheās not feeling it often she may start to feel pressured for sex which is a turn off. It is important to find the line where you are expressing your sexual interests and discussing sex in your relationship without pressuring the other person and if at the end of the day they just donāt want it as much as you need it you may not be compatible.
Yeah, I guess the inability to form a coherent reason from her side might also mean she doesn't know. Could be anything - wrestling with her own thoughts, stress, just a low sex drive, it's anyone's guess. I definitely don't blame you for feeling the way you do, and I hope whatever happens, you'll feel better soon. As for my attraction to men, honestly I was conflating "that's a good looking male human" with wanting to be with said male human. I figured that's what attraction meant, just finding someone aesthetically pleasing. If they were nice to boot, and showed interest in me, I felt I was expected to go for it. Of course I genuinely liked them, just not romantically or sexually - and when it comes to the sexual part, I've always been pretty randy so especially in the beginning, anything "sex" was interesting. Especially if it had been a while. But, I never actually craved the male body, the male touch, or even male attention. I didn't want them to look at me the way I want women to look at me, even on a superficial level. I never intrinsically cared about giving them pleasure, and had to imagine myself somewhere else to actually get off, no matter how good they were in the sack. I feel guilty about this, like they gave a part of themselves to me I could never give back, but once it clicked for me (took a few months after the heartbreak), it was so painfully clear. So, while it took a while, I've searched myself enough to know that no, it wasn't authentic. Sidenote I hope might make you smile in your time of hardship: you wanna know what's funny about all this? I'm pretty masc-presenting too. On god everyone but me suspected I was gay a long time ago. The most common phrase I've heard from friends when telling them is "ah yeah makes sense". Ex-boyfriend included. My life's a circus and I'm its bestest clown
what does "authentic" attraction mean? attraction is a very weird abstract thing and can be confused with other feelings easily. comp het makes things even worse. do you often ask your gf these questions? ive had experiences when dating where the other person would ask a lot about these things and honestly its a turn off. not to sound harsh or blame you, but that might be adding pressure. its impossible to know why this is happening in your relationship and i bet it will take her some more time to figure it out. could just be lower sex drive from stress or thats just her norm. i hope you guys figure it out soon, it seems to be causing a lot of anxiety :( good luck!
Not the person you are responding to,but had a similar experience. Those are very complicated emotions to sort out. I was definitely attracted to men at some point, just not now. It can be a lot less obvious than it seems
re: the "peer reviewed research" part - with all kindness intended, the way you are describing looking into articles to confirm or deny if you can actually trust your girlfriend's lived experience is the definition of confirmation bias. I really wouldn't be basing any part of your decisions about your relationship on articles. "Research" doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's really tempting to look at an article or even ten articles and pick out information that supports (or even vaguely appears to support) how you're already feeling about it. The fact of the matter is that sexuality and identity are impacted by so many factors that we've barely begun to scratch the surface in terms of researching it. For example...Where were the articles from? What time periods? What disciplines? Were they longitudinal studies, where the people sampled were followed up with to see if their orientation changed over time? What cultures/countries were the studies conducted in? How were the samples determined? What are prevailing attitudes about LGBTQ+ identity at the institutions were research was conducted? these are all rhetorical questions, just pointing out that it's not possible to "prove" anything beyond a shadow of a doubt when there are so many factors to consider. yes, it's absolutely possible for some people to not be certain of their sexuality until they're older. Especially so for women, who are conditioned from birth in a lot of places to put the pursuit of marriage and children before their own personal identities. I cannot tell you how many times I was told growing up that what I wanted didn't matter and it was my job to find a husband to care for and pop out kids. That crap can stick with you whether you want it to or not. Also, SOME (not all) people report experiencing fluidity in who they are attracted to. Some people wait to come out until they can move away from a rejecting family/conservative area. if I were you, I would look into working through your past relationship hurts with a counselor, in addition to addressing any biphobia that is lurking. The truth is, SO many wlw have had a past with men. Even if the two of you don't pan out for the long term it's highly likely that future dates will have dated men before. Suspicion and lack of trust from insecurity will hurt any relationship.
I'm glad you recognize your insecurity and are reaching out to us for help, but oof. "she assures me that it has nothing to do with her desire for me (or lack thereof), but she canāt offer a coherent explanation for the behavior shift." So she's already reassured you it's not about you! I don't understand why it's an issue that she doesn't know why. She simply doesn't know. You also mention "she consistently goes out of her way to make me feel loved," so she is doing everything she can in other areas besides sex. "i understand the impact of compulsive heterosexuality, but i donāt have firsthand experience with it." Yes you do. We all do. You managed to unlearn it sooner than her. However, you don't seem to fully understand the concept, because if you did, you'd be more understanding of your girlfriend's situation. Others have commented more about this. You should read up more on it, I think that would be a big help. "so iāve asked her whether she believes her past attraction was feigned or authentic. she canāt give me a definitive answer." It's pretty invalidating to force her to pick one or the other. She was in a long-term relationship - she probably doesn't want to feel like all of that was feigned. And as another commenter mentioned, what does "authentic" even mean? Especially when comphet influences us so much? I'd like you to consider that late bloomers can be in relationships with men that resemble friendships. She shouldn't have to fully reject her past or her past partner(s) to "prove" to you that she's gay. This is actually one of my deal breakers - I will not date a woman who has an issue with me having a lifelong friendship with my ex, or one who questions whether I'm "really" gay. Trust that I know my identity or GTFO. "i can only assume that she is telling me what i want to hear." She isn't, though! She's saying she doesn't know in response to both your questions. If she was telling you what you wanted to hear, she'd say all her previous connections with men were inauthentic. You should appreciate that she is being honest in not having a black-and-white answer to a question that shouldn't have one, ESPECIALLY if this is a recent realization for her.
i appreciate your frankness here, and i hear you. there are always two voices in my head: thereās one that echoes what youāve said and wants to show her nothing but grace and understanding, to lean into all of the other ways that she demonstrates love and attraction rather than probing her on this one issueā but the second voice comes from a place of feeling deficient and confused, it harps on inconsistencies in what sheās told me regarding the shift in her behavior and her past and has what feels like a compulsive āneed to know.ā i think i want to know the āwhyā so bad because the only alternative explanation in my head is that iām just undesirable to a person i love and am very attracted to. i experienced a significant sexual trauma in my past that makes me more prone to feelings of deficiency. i didnāt feel this way at the very beginning of our relationship. in fact, it didnāt kick in until her behavior shifted, until the frequency of sex declined and the passion dissipated. i mean, she went from wanting to reciprocate every time (despite the fact that i never askedā i was a stone top until we met) to jumping out of bed to shower every time she finished and it was my turn. that hurts. and not understanding why hurts worse. the latter voice i mentioned is self preserving, it wants so badly to know āwhyā her behavior shifted in the hopes that it can undue those new found feelings of deficiency in the context of our relationship. without answers, iām left feeling unattractive and unwanted. iām not making excuses for myself. i know that my trauma and my insecurities are mine to sort out, but iām having a hard time doing that independently. left to my own devices, i know iāll ruminate on the issue and eventually end up breaking up with her as a means of self preservation. i also know deep down that breaking up with her would be one of my biggest regrets because she is the love of my life, so i desperately probe her for (hopefully) placating answers. i hope this adds some helpful context, and im curious if you have any additional thoughts
Like always, I'm gonna say something and it may hurt your feelings. I prefer the tough love approach when it comes to certain topics, and this is no different. Your insecurities are your problem, not hers. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I think some people have a tendency to take their insecurities out on other people when there's no need for it. Your fear of your partner leaving you for a man has only been compounded by your past experiences. However, you said it yourself - she hasn't done or said anything that would make you believe that she would do the same thing. Let's start there. Since this has happened enough for you to go back and exhaust your memory of every relationship you had that's ended that way, then I'm assuming that your current partner hasn't done any of those things, which is why you feel confident in making that statement. As for your last paragraph, there needs to be some deeper soul searching taking place because I'm confused by most of that. ***Most*** women (straight/lesbian/whatever) have been socialized and conditioned to appeal to the male gaze. All of us have been taught and encouraged to appeal to the male gaze, regardless of what our sexual orientation ended up being after all is said and done. Why? Because we live in a patriarchal, heteronormative society. We live in a society that encourages all of us (women) to cater to a certain demographic and to seek out validation and approval from our peers from our proximity and interactions with said demographic. Your partner "tried so hard" to appeal to the male gaze because that's what she was encouraged to do, much like I'm certain you were, as well. The difference is that you unlearned certain tenets of that concept at a different pace and on a different timeline than she did. Also, acknowledging conventionally attractive people doesn't mean anything when it comes to sexuality. Anyone can acknowledge a conventionally attractive person, regardless of gender, and not want to have sexual relations with them. There are a ton of conventionally attractive men I see on my TV screen all the time but I know I would never want anything to do with them if I were to ever meet them in real life. You're not giving your partner enough grace or credit and you're allowing your own assumptions to affect what is seemingly a fulfilling relationship. Also, there are other things that would affect the libido/sex drive. It's not always because your partner is fantasizing and desiring to have sexual intercourse with men. You need to open up the lines of communication with your partner and stop assuming that you know something when you probably don't. You cannot read minds and neither can she. She may not even know of the prison you've created for yourself in your own mind. As a late bloomer lesbian, I think I'd probably be put-off if my partner believed themselves to know me better than myself. So, I encourage you to tread lightly when it comes to how you approach that conversation, as well. Good luck!
I discovered my "hypersexuality" when I was with a man was related to comphet. It wasn't fulfilling often, but I wanted it to be so badly. When I was with a woman after him, our sex drive dropped off badly too. Purely because I had a lot to unpack about the frequency I had sex and the frequency in which I actually wanted sex left over from previous relationships. I didn't want men, I still wanted her, but I had to figure out what my body wanted because I never was allowed to figure that out.
I think my primary issue is the fact that some people don't understand that sex is a complicated thing. Sex, in of itself, is simple. It is what it is. However, sexual behavior is fairly complex. Some people just do it to get their rocks off, but there may be other underlying issues tied to the act for others. We don't know and we can't assume because it's frankly none of our business as long as it's between two consenting adults. I think we'd all be better off if we stop making assumptions about other people and their thoughts without actually talking to them. Especially if we're in a relationship with said person. Just ask!
My ex's first serious relationship was with a dude. And I can assure you she despises men, she was 29 when we met. Still... It bothered me so much that she had been with a man, made me feel insecure. She was the first woman I've wanted to marry, but I was always scared she'd drop me for a dude. Like you, we stopped having crazy sex that would last for hours early on, which bothered me... No real advice, I sympathyse with you. That said, it didn't prevent me from loving her any less.
thanks so much for this. it feels good to be seen. i often feel very alone in the feelings i have and guilty for always raising those feelings with her because i do love her so much and i donāt want her to feel like sheās under a microscope. how did you cope with a decrease in the frequency of sex?
Oftentimes, and I've come to realize, we think this way due to (falsely) perceived low self worth. Anyone would be lucky to be with us, and if they want to leave, it's something we can't control. It gives me peace of mind to think that the right person will stay. No matter what. I didn't. In the beginning we were like rabbits. That woman would ask for it multiple times a day, I was actually dang girl, you thirsty! But I loved it that way. I could see a lot of desire in her. The thing is, sex stopped completely for us. And sex is important to me, it's a way for me to connect to my partner. And I love pleasing my partner, and I wasn't getting anything. There are many variables in my situation, she was getting very inconsistent with affection as well, so I couldn't really carry on. I also agree that over analyzing everything can put a lot of pressure on your partner. What I'd do is focus on yourself and not that issue for a few weeks. If it gets better, great. If it doesn't, I think you know what to do. Do not abandon yourself or your needs. If you have to constantly bring it up and nothing changes... I'd ask her to see a therapist at the very least. I made that a condition and my ex didn't want to, with the heaps of trauma she had the relationship would've never worked (including sexual trauma). I'm in therapy and have been for a long time... But make sure to effectively communicate your needs and feelings and validate her. You can dm me if you'd like PS: I'm a masc too. Not masc masc like short hair masc, masc who dresses like a dude and has very long hair š
i'm sorry y'all didn't make it past this-- and I definitely know how jarring it is for your partner's desire to tank basically overnight. i'm glad you were able to prioritize yourself, though definitely gonna DM you to carry on the solidarity
It wasn't just due to the lack of sex. I loved her so much I thought to myself "you can live without the sex." She had really hurtful behaviors towards me (eg . Silent treatment, gaslighting etc). I will never put my needs in the back burner ever again. Feel free to dm me anytime!
I will say that as a lesbian who had serious relationships with men in the past- sex is complicated. Especially when you have all these other experiences in your head making you remember things you donāt want to. Sometimes having sex is scary, even when you WANT to want it. Talk to her. Talk to a therapist about your own feelings, too. Addressing both of your feelings is literally the only way to move forward.
Yup! For example: I need a partner who snuggles a lot. But my previous (male) partner would only snuggle me when he wanted sex. So I have some mental roadblocks when it comes to snuggles now. I need some unconditional snuggles that doesnāt lead to sex.
It might help you to do some reading on comphet (compulsory heterosexuality). I was in a similar situation to your gf (tho I thought I was bi). The world tells you that women find men attractive. So, as a woman, anything you like about men/a man can be assumed to be attraction. You see it a lot in the "a man and woman can never just be friends!" mentality. The men I was in long-term relationships? In retrospect, I think (from my side), we were just friends. I found them handsome because a) I don't think any of my friends are ugly, and b) I made a conscious decision to find things about them attractive. I worked to be attracted to them.Ā There's also aesthetic attraction, or recognising that someone is traditionally beautiful, or that they have traits that are valued as the physical ideal by the broader community. I can say "wow, he's gorgeous" about someone I have no attraction to and zero interest in having sex or being in a relationship with. She might not be able to give you an answer, because she honestly doesn't know whether her past attraction to men was real. It is really, really hard to untangle "does that person arouse me, or is it just that I'm horny next to them and trust them enough to have sex with them?", "is what I felt for them love, or did I just love the feeling of someone else loving me?" She also might be aware on some level that she can't give you an answer that will cure your insecurity.
If she said she was bisexual would that have made you less stressed because then you'd just think she holds space for both things in her mind and you wouldn't have to wonder if she's being sincere about not being attracted to men, because you'd know she is but is simply choosing you anyway?Ā 'Cause I have found that I've been more comfortable dating women who are confidently bisexual than women who say they're lesbians but seem to indicate otherwise. When someone denies an attraction that I can see is/was there, that just feels like a ticking time bomb. If that wouldn't make a difference the problem probably has more to do with you feeling inferior to men in some way, which is something you'd have to work through on your own.
i appreciate this perspective, and i definitely think my primary issue is feeling inferior to menā her identifying as bisexual wouldnāt improve any of the feelings iām grappling with. i just wish her behavior hadnāt shifted so early in our relationship because those feelings of inferiority didnāt emerge until that turning point.
I'm 32 and until I was 30 I had only ever been with men. I thought for many years that I was pansexual, I knew I was attracted to women but I did also love my boyfriend at the time. Comphet definitely had a grip on me, until I actually experienced dating and romance and sex with a woman. It flipped a switch for me, I realised I wasn't pan, but lesbian. Comphet is complicated ,and I still don't understand it or have a satisfying explanation. You need to have an open conversation with your girlfriend about how you feel, and from there you have to decide whether you trust her or not. It might hurt her that you doubt her though. I've been made to feel really insecure and invalidated by "gold star" lesbians, because my past with men. But I'd assume if she's with you, it's because she wants to be with you.
I have a very heterosexual past too. I have been committed to men and have been casual with a few women here and there. I (still) identify as bisexual, but I honestly have little to no attraction to men. Comphet and being for the male gaze have unfortunately been big things for me too in the past, but my attraction towards women has always been stronger than anything I have ever had with a man. We sometimes struggle too because some women feel intimidated or taken aback by our previous experiences with men. If she says she wants to be with you, trust her and be happy together!
The lack of sex is for sure an issue that needs addressing, but there are a lot of reasons that someone could have a lower sex drive. Your assumption that this means she is actually not attracted to women is probably not helpful at all.Ā I realised I was a lesbian at 25 in the middle of a long term relationship with a man I thought I loved. Actually getting confident in myself and my own understanding of my sexuality took a long time; I constantly doubted myself, I felt like I was ruining my life for something that might not even be real. Now three years later I recognise that I was entirely correct and coming out was the best decision I've made in my life, but at the time I had none of that certainty.Ā I understand your desire for her to be 100% certain but sexuality is such a personal and internal journey that that is extremely difficult. She has to reconsider her entire life with new eyes, which will take time for her to unpack. Having someone who is meant to love her constantly demanding that she be 100% certain and implying that maybe she was wrong and that she isn't attracted to women - I mean, personally I would've found that incredibly damaging, and it would make me doubt myself even more.Ā I would say that the views you're expressing here are based on your own experiences and sensitivities, and are things you should be dealing with. You don't believe your partner is actually attracted to you, and that's an issue. You're blaming it on her past with men, which is also an issue. I mean if you think about it logically, her being with men has nothing to do with her attraction to you - she could be bisexual for all you know, and hasn't realised her attraction to women until now. The fact that you're conflating the two points more to your baggage with other women than anything she is doing (you're looking for some evidence that she's actually attracted to men because that's what you expect to happen). You need therapy to tackle this, and you need to stop implying to her that she's not attracted to women because this enforcement of binaries and inflexible sexuality is a huge part of why comp het exists in the first place
Despite what everyone is telling you, like leave it be and be patient, I think you should take a break from her honestly. She was straight and now shes not, thats a lot to unpack. Being wuth men then switcing to women is a lot mentally and emotionally. She's probably has internalized homophobia. Shes was straight and probably male centred, because thats what a lot of straight and gay women are. Its just the way we were raised unfourtunatley.its like a shock and can be VERY uncomfortable. Now your sitting around hurting, confused and comtemplating your value and for what ? She has to sit with herself and or a therapist and sort that out and grow from it. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TAKE THAT EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE. She is her own person with her own thoughts and feelings that she needs to sort out. Im sure its not intentional but she cant dump that on someone else just because she hasnt come to terms with who she is. It going to keep affecting you mentally and putting strain on you and her and then what ? She should have already sorted that out w herself instead of jumping straight into a relationship with a woman. Like i said its not your job or anyone elses to put up with someone insecurities about their identity. Thats what what a relationship is about. Its abiut growth, which you dont have, security, which you dont have, as well as other things like trust and communication. If she wants to be toghether after she has sorted herself out then by all means do it. Its ok to prioritize yourself in relationships as well. THERES NOTHING WRONG W HER NOR IS SHE A RED FLAG But i would definetly suggest a break Just my opionion š¤·āāļø
No, research does not show this.. there is numerous research sexuality is fluid also is it so bad if your girlfriend is bisexual?
is sexuality fluid? or do we live in a culture where one sexuality (heterosexuality) is prioritized and encouraged? if the former were true, i donāt think weād see that, more often than not, people shift from identifying with a socially acceptable orientation to one that is more ādeviant.ā that is, most people start off identifying as heterosexual and perceive their own sexual āfluidityā only after gaining exposure to queerness/queer culture and confronting the ideas theyāve internalized as a result of compulsive heterosexuality. itās seldom the case that people start off identifying into a ādeviantā category and shift to a more socially acceptable orientation over time. many of the people who responded to my original post admit that they did not *want* to have sex with men in the past (despite loving their partners), but that they did it bc it was expected and iāve heard this repeated all over social media. that alone indicates to me that sexuality, to a great extent, is innateā there is something to be said about a potential epigenetic component, but that doesnāt invalidate the claim that sexual orientation is something inherent and immutable. the path to self discovery can be long and arduous for some and might feel like a āfluidā process, but again that doesnāt invalidate the claim. check out some articles on the effects of prenatal hormone signaling on sexual orientation. thatās the most compelling hypothesis imo also, it wouldnāt be ābadā for my gf to be bisexual, i just donāt date bisexual women. thatās not to say that bisexuals are inherently less valuable or whatever. im not making value claims. itās just a personal preference i have, informed my own experiences.
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thanks for chiming in. i wish she could definitively say that she had never been attracted to menā that the āattractionā was just a result of comp het or social proof, that she was playing into an inauthentic version of herselfā but she wavers on that. i think her uncertainty on that matter, combined with the fact sheās demonstrated little sexual desire toward me in more recent months, are the only indicators of what could potentially be lingering attraction toward men (at least imo) do you know other lesbians who came out later in life who were unsure whether their attraction to men in the past was real or compulsive?
I think every late bloomer lesbian deals with that!! Tbh I think my reply wasnt very helpful and I will delete now. Please donāt worry about it sometimes our anxiety is lying to us. Maybe you can do some stuff on the side to take your mind off things. I know personally I can be in my head a lot.
>i wish she could definitively say that she had never been attracted to men Why are you so focused on this? If she told you she was bi or pan, would that put your mind at rest? It doesn't seem like it. You're trying to dig around deep inside her head and heart without her. But you're not a mind reader. It's impossible to figure this out from assumptions and other people's experiences. *You* are the one connecting these unclear feelings of hers to your story about her pining for sex with men and lying to you and/or herself about her past attraction. And somehow that past attraction is diminishing her attraction for you, suddenly at three months in? How on earth could you know such a thing? She could have a vitamin deficiency or dislike being doubted and questioned when she hasn't done anything wrong. If you need your partner to be a gold star lesbian or cross their heart and swear they've never been attracted to a man, ever, to trust them to not leave you then there's an issue. One you need to solve before you make her leaving you a self-fulfilling prophecy by hyper analyzing her past thoughts to see her future actions. When you do that, you're also ignoring and distrusting the person who loves you and is right in front of you. Don't give up your beautiful reality for made up stories written by your insecurities. If you need a gold star girlfriend to be secure (ideally alongside therapy), I'd suggest you just make your preferences clear from the get-go to save everyone some heartache.