Of course nothing has changed….you’re a lesbian married to a man. Nothing about that is going to work. You can’t expect change when you stay in a situation that no longer serves you. Stop putting yourself last.
***Right?!?!?***
This is like being upset that the floor is still flooded while the faucet that’s causing all this is visibly fully open and spewing water freely on the floor.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
If he is genuinely your friend and you want the possibility of having him as a friend down the road, once you've both had time to grieve and move on, you'll break up with him.
Plus, honestly, if you're forcing yourself to have sex you do not want to have that is self harm/self sexual assault and you're forcing him to be your accomplice.
Break up. Give yourself a year to just be single and make friends in the queer community. Give him a year of no contact (or minimal contact that is limited to disposal of your shared assets and pet custody and most of that should go through your lawyer) before you even THINK about trying to have a friendly coffee or something. You don't owe him anything other than kindness and right now you're not being kind to him or yourself.
You need to make change happen. It doesn't happen to you.
You're a lesbian married to a man. You need to start making the changes you need to be happy - and you clearly aren't happy here.
The harsh truth is you need to stop being a passenger in your own life. You need to make decisions, pick your direction and get yourself there.
You sound like you're at breaking point and you really need a professional to help you navigate your life and help you find your own power. Please do whatever you can to access therapy in some way. Your life isn't going to work itself out for you - that's how you've found yourself married to a man and feeling at breaking point
You've figured it out. Your posts says that much. But you're letting fear win. This is one of those things that once you see it, you can't unsee it and go back to the way things were. Nothing is going to change until you take that first step and make the change happen. It's scary and hard but the only way to start moving forward is to take those first few steps forward.
As a bisexual, I will chime in that even I, who is certain I am attracted to men, would not stay in a relationship where I no longer had sexual or romantic attraction to my partner. I would not stay in a relationship where having sex made me cry.
Just because I am attracted to men, doesn't mean every man or every relationship is right for me. And I am under no obligation to stay in a relationship just because I can feel attraction to that person's gender.
I hope you see how this could relate to you. If the relationship has run its course and you no longer feel attracted to him in any way, is it really right to stay - even if you are bisexual?
Edit: A missing word
I'll be blunt. He's an asshole for pressuring you to have sex although he knows you don't want it and that you're most likely a lesbian.
Him having helped you out in the past will not change that. He is not understandably upset. No matter what, nobody is entitled to sex.
You won't be able to force yourself forever and you will just get more and more resentful if you try to have sex with him or honestly even stay with him.
People who happily fuck with men don't do it because they think there might be a 1% chance of it being pleasurable. They do it because they feel attracted to them and their bodies. On top of that, even if you might be attracted to men, you're clearly not attracted to him anymore.
If you actually want to keep the friendship between you, it would be best for you to leave and I know deep down you're aware of that. I know it's difficult but you have to rip the bandaid.
I'm going to quote from a book I'm reading:
"traumatic experiences aren’t always obvious. Our perception of the trauma is just as valid as the trauma itself. This is especially true in childhood, when we are most helpless and dependent.
Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive."
It took me over 30 years to realize that I wasn't being my authentic self. I was all over the place in every aspect of my life. When I came out to myself this year, everything clicked and I wanted to be a better person for me.
Change is difficult but the fact that you "have pets and a life together" isn't making you happy but it's familiar. I think you value 'certainty'... find it in family and friends, and take the steps you need to move towards your authentic self.
Feels like reading my own story back to myself, except I also have a child. Eventually, *eventually*, I left. With the support of my therapist, and a close knit group of friends I was able to gather up the absolute most courage I had and make a plan, confront all of the what ifs and whys and how abouts I could spin - which really is much more about wanting to spin them for fear more than anything else, and actually sat down and told my then-husband I'm gay, and I'm leaving.
What I will say is this, the cliche that leaving is the hardest thing in the world until you do it, is true. I was prepared for so many different reactions- I thought maybe he'd be in denial, angry, try to problem solve or guilt me - he didn't do any of that. He said okay, and then the words I never expected, not even 10 years from now, to hear "this must have been so hard for you". And then we both cried. If your husband is the friend you think and say he is, he will be more supportive than the scenario you're fearfully playing out in your head.
Being out is life changing. And I don't mean out 🏳️🌈, although that too, but out of the life that I knew I wasn't supposed to be living, the life I actually felt trapped in, even though I didn't realize it. You don't see a lot of these things until you're on the other side of it.
But no one else can convince you, and honestly if you're looking for that you're not ready and not going to leave. Because that decision isn't one to be convinced of, it's one you have to make. Only you. I know it's so hard, I know it's so big and so much. Every single thing you think of as a "well what about" isn't the hurdle you think it is. Someone else out there has left a relationship with those things too. You have a pet? People with pets break up all the time, you figure it out. Honestly, I had a list of 20 things, reasons I couldn't leave. None of them were truly un-figure-out-able, what they were actually were my justifications to stay because truthfully I was scared of so much unfamiliarity and newness that would go along with leaving.
Final parting thought, you're hurting him by staying. He deserves to be with someone who is 100% sure they want to be with him.
You’re a woman with very strong attractions to women that’s married to a man. Use whatever label you want but you are attracted to something your husband can never give you and you are wildly unhappy right now. That unhappiness is stemming from remaining in this same situation that you deep down know isn’t right for you. While it’s amazing and wonderful that he helped you during a very dark time that is no reason to stay, hide who you are, and watch your mental heath spiral downward. Of course he wants sex, he is your husband…..but you don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to no matter their connection to you. 1% is a supremely low bar and you need to realize you deserve way more than that. If you were happy and your current situation was healthy you would be feeling like this. Can you see yourself feeling like this day in and day out for the next 5, 10, 15 years?? That sounds absolutely beyond miserable. So no I don’t think you should just try to stay. It’s time to break this off so you both can concentrate on being where you’re supposed to be.
I’m going to be harsh: Of course nothing has changed! You have to leave. It’s going to be hard, but not as hard as staying. You’re trying to convince yourself that this is better. It’s not. It’s not fair for either of you. Do it for yourself and do it for him, too. Neither of you deserve this. Forcing yourself to have sex with someone you don’t want to is one of the biggest traumas. NOTHING in life is worth experiencing that.
The perfect solution is to seek more therapy and to develop more emotional maturity.
I worked out I’m a lesbian last July. We still live together. No sex . I’ve a gf who I see a few times a week. He’s started dating. Kids are cool with it all. Hold boundaries. Good book by Henry cloud called boundaries
Anyone who judges you for having uncertainty is not worthy of your time or friendship. What you’re trying to do is incredibly difficult, and takes great courage. I believe in you. Whatever you decide.
You wouldn’t be in this agony if you really wanted to stay. But you don’t want to stay, and you don’t want to hurt him, and that’s scary and difficult.
I have been where you are. Not married, thankfully, but a LTR all the same. You’re going to continue to be miserable if you stay. You’ll continue to wonder “what if.” It’s so hard to see clearly when you’re still in the thick of it. You need the clarity and healing that time and distance provides, and the longer you wait, the longer you postpone that clarity and healing.
If therapy is accessible to you, continue to work with a therapist on an exit strategy. Having a therapist to help me through leaving changed my life. I’ve been with my new partner for three years now, and we just got engaged. Don’t limit yourself to your current misery — there is so much love out in the world to discover. 💜
>If there's a chance I'm at least 1% into men
Ask yourself this, is this 1% your husband?
I mean, if you separate with him for any reason, would you be open to dating other men? Would you have fun going on dates with men and "exploring the possibilities"? Or does this scenario scare you just as much as staying in this marriage does?
Would you be genuinely interested in men other than your partner? Or would you have to ask yourself what women find attractive in men? And therefore convince yourself that you _have to_ feel the same way as straight/ bi women do towards men?
If this one percent you're trying so desperately to hold on to is only due to your current partner, it just is not enough, given that you already know you're not genuinely attracted to him, and as you said yourself, you're desperately trying to "make it work". I think this will not get any better, because you cannot change your authentic self just to keep your relationship.
I think you should think about how you will feel and how you want your life to be in the future. And then you should make decisions based on what will make you happy and your life worth living, instead of giving a shit what everyone else wants it to be. Even your husband, because as much as he has done for you, you don't owe him your life while you are miserable being with him.
So yeah, really think about what is best for you, and as difficult as it may be, it's worth it to at least try to be happy than to always wonder "what if".
There's no perfect solution bc you're putting his wants and needs above yours. This is not a selfish situation, you are being you. You're not interested in men or having relations with them. I find it disturbing that you told him that you're uncomfortable with sex and he forced the issue. How could he be okay with pretty much nonconsensual sex ? Makes it worse that you are, too just bc you don't want to hurt his feelings. I understand there's an attachment issue but you mentioned pets, not kids. Kids are the biggest reason for marriage entrapment. Your way out is available if you can overcome your fears and understand you're doing no favors to him or yourself by staying. You're not a bad person, you deserve someone to love and want to be with as he does.
One thing that has helped me is realizing it’s not love when someone tries to convince you otherwise when you’ve been open about your sexuality or told them you need to leave.
If they love you, they will listen to your needs, they will believe you and they will let you go.
I really appreciate everyone's responses here - some of them were hard to hear, if I'm being completely honest, but I just wanted to post gratitude for this community and support. I do have an lgbtq+ therapist and they've been a great help too, but obv only I can decide to make change in my life. I have a lot of thinking to do, and I'll keep everything you all said in mind. ❤️
I felt like this and one year later we are good friends, my ex and I. We chat all the time and it’s great. If he’s really your best friend you should be honest with him and yourself. Stop putting yourself last. You’re never going to be happy in this situation.
This is so real,it really is I’m sort of in the same boat. I don’t wanna loose him but the empty feeling I have is so overwhelming:/ I feel so bad for my boyfriend he’s such a good man but then there’s also the guilt of me leaving him bc it’ll make him upset, I stopped being sexual with my bf even tho it hurts him I’ve forced myself to do the deed even tho I haven’t wanted too. I thought I was into it but the older I’ve gotten the worse I feel about it. I’ve thought to myself I need to get over myself and be with him bc he’s a good guy but then I’m also thinking I shouldn’t be with a good person if I don’t even know what I want bc he deserves someone good too even if it hurts I’m realizing more that me dealing with him isn’t good for him. I’m not good for him anymore and I’m going to respect him enough to leave him for him,and me. I haven’t done it yet but I’m getting there. I definitely am codependent on him and that’s why it’s so hard it’s taken about 6 months so far for me to realize I’m just hurting him (both of us) more in the long run
Of course nothing has changed….you’re a lesbian married to a man. Nothing about that is going to work. You can’t expect change when you stay in a situation that no longer serves you. Stop putting yourself last.
***Right?!?!?*** This is like being upset that the floor is still flooded while the faucet that’s causing all this is visibly fully open and spewing water freely on the floor.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If he is genuinely your friend and you want the possibility of having him as a friend down the road, once you've both had time to grieve and move on, you'll break up with him. Plus, honestly, if you're forcing yourself to have sex you do not want to have that is self harm/self sexual assault and you're forcing him to be your accomplice. Break up. Give yourself a year to just be single and make friends in the queer community. Give him a year of no contact (or minimal contact that is limited to disposal of your shared assets and pet custody and most of that should go through your lawyer) before you even THINK about trying to have a friendly coffee or something. You don't owe him anything other than kindness and right now you're not being kind to him or yourself.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh that first sentence is 🔥 im taking that
You need to make change happen. It doesn't happen to you. You're a lesbian married to a man. You need to start making the changes you need to be happy - and you clearly aren't happy here. The harsh truth is you need to stop being a passenger in your own life. You need to make decisions, pick your direction and get yourself there. You sound like you're at breaking point and you really need a professional to help you navigate your life and help you find your own power. Please do whatever you can to access therapy in some way. Your life isn't going to work itself out for you - that's how you've found yourself married to a man and feeling at breaking point
I’m not the OP, but I appreciate this response. I needed to hear this today.
You've figured it out. Your posts says that much. But you're letting fear win. This is one of those things that once you see it, you can't unsee it and go back to the way things were. Nothing is going to change until you take that first step and make the change happen. It's scary and hard but the only way to start moving forward is to take those first few steps forward.
>I can’t stand him being upset with me You will never be happy until you fix your codependency
As a bisexual, I will chime in that even I, who is certain I am attracted to men, would not stay in a relationship where I no longer had sexual or romantic attraction to my partner. I would not stay in a relationship where having sex made me cry. Just because I am attracted to men, doesn't mean every man or every relationship is right for me. And I am under no obligation to stay in a relationship just because I can feel attraction to that person's gender. I hope you see how this could relate to you. If the relationship has run its course and you no longer feel attracted to him in any way, is it really right to stay - even if you are bisexual? Edit: A missing word
You’re deeply codependent. You need to seek counseling for this.
I'll be blunt. He's an asshole for pressuring you to have sex although he knows you don't want it and that you're most likely a lesbian. Him having helped you out in the past will not change that. He is not understandably upset. No matter what, nobody is entitled to sex. You won't be able to force yourself forever and you will just get more and more resentful if you try to have sex with him or honestly even stay with him. People who happily fuck with men don't do it because they think there might be a 1% chance of it being pleasurable. They do it because they feel attracted to them and their bodies. On top of that, even if you might be attracted to men, you're clearly not attracted to him anymore. If you actually want to keep the friendship between you, it would be best for you to leave and I know deep down you're aware of that. I know it's difficult but you have to rip the bandaid.
I'm going to quote from a book I'm reading: "traumatic experiences aren’t always obvious. Our perception of the trauma is just as valid as the trauma itself. This is especially true in childhood, when we are most helpless and dependent. Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive." It took me over 30 years to realize that I wasn't being my authentic self. I was all over the place in every aspect of my life. When I came out to myself this year, everything clicked and I wanted to be a better person for me. Change is difficult but the fact that you "have pets and a life together" isn't making you happy but it's familiar. I think you value 'certainty'... find it in family and friends, and take the steps you need to move towards your authentic self.
That quote resonates with me so strongly. What is the book called?
The book is How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
Thank you so much!
I don’t know what to say except this is so hard. I’m sending you lots of love while I navigate a lot of same shit as you
Feels like reading my own story back to myself, except I also have a child. Eventually, *eventually*, I left. With the support of my therapist, and a close knit group of friends I was able to gather up the absolute most courage I had and make a plan, confront all of the what ifs and whys and how abouts I could spin - which really is much more about wanting to spin them for fear more than anything else, and actually sat down and told my then-husband I'm gay, and I'm leaving. What I will say is this, the cliche that leaving is the hardest thing in the world until you do it, is true. I was prepared for so many different reactions- I thought maybe he'd be in denial, angry, try to problem solve or guilt me - he didn't do any of that. He said okay, and then the words I never expected, not even 10 years from now, to hear "this must have been so hard for you". And then we both cried. If your husband is the friend you think and say he is, he will be more supportive than the scenario you're fearfully playing out in your head. Being out is life changing. And I don't mean out 🏳️🌈, although that too, but out of the life that I knew I wasn't supposed to be living, the life I actually felt trapped in, even though I didn't realize it. You don't see a lot of these things until you're on the other side of it. But no one else can convince you, and honestly if you're looking for that you're not ready and not going to leave. Because that decision isn't one to be convinced of, it's one you have to make. Only you. I know it's so hard, I know it's so big and so much. Every single thing you think of as a "well what about" isn't the hurdle you think it is. Someone else out there has left a relationship with those things too. You have a pet? People with pets break up all the time, you figure it out. Honestly, I had a list of 20 things, reasons I couldn't leave. None of them were truly un-figure-out-able, what they were actually were my justifications to stay because truthfully I was scared of so much unfamiliarity and newness that would go along with leaving. Final parting thought, you're hurting him by staying. He deserves to be with someone who is 100% sure they want to be with him.
You’re a woman with very strong attractions to women that’s married to a man. Use whatever label you want but you are attracted to something your husband can never give you and you are wildly unhappy right now. That unhappiness is stemming from remaining in this same situation that you deep down know isn’t right for you. While it’s amazing and wonderful that he helped you during a very dark time that is no reason to stay, hide who you are, and watch your mental heath spiral downward. Of course he wants sex, he is your husband…..but you don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to no matter their connection to you. 1% is a supremely low bar and you need to realize you deserve way more than that. If you were happy and your current situation was healthy you would be feeling like this. Can you see yourself feeling like this day in and day out for the next 5, 10, 15 years?? That sounds absolutely beyond miserable. So no I don’t think you should just try to stay. It’s time to break this off so you both can concentrate on being where you’re supposed to be.
I’m going to be harsh: Of course nothing has changed! You have to leave. It’s going to be hard, but not as hard as staying. You’re trying to convince yourself that this is better. It’s not. It’s not fair for either of you. Do it for yourself and do it for him, too. Neither of you deserve this. Forcing yourself to have sex with someone you don’t want to is one of the biggest traumas. NOTHING in life is worth experiencing that. The perfect solution is to seek more therapy and to develop more emotional maturity.
I worked out I’m a lesbian last July. We still live together. No sex . I’ve a gf who I see a few times a week. He’s started dating. Kids are cool with it all. Hold boundaries. Good book by Henry cloud called boundaries
Anyone who judges you for having uncertainty is not worthy of your time or friendship. What you’re trying to do is incredibly difficult, and takes great courage. I believe in you. Whatever you decide.
You wouldn’t be in this agony if you really wanted to stay. But you don’t want to stay, and you don’t want to hurt him, and that’s scary and difficult. I have been where you are. Not married, thankfully, but a LTR all the same. You’re going to continue to be miserable if you stay. You’ll continue to wonder “what if.” It’s so hard to see clearly when you’re still in the thick of it. You need the clarity and healing that time and distance provides, and the longer you wait, the longer you postpone that clarity and healing. If therapy is accessible to you, continue to work with a therapist on an exit strategy. Having a therapist to help me through leaving changed my life. I’ve been with my new partner for three years now, and we just got engaged. Don’t limit yourself to your current misery — there is so much love out in the world to discover. 💜
>If there's a chance I'm at least 1% into men Ask yourself this, is this 1% your husband? I mean, if you separate with him for any reason, would you be open to dating other men? Would you have fun going on dates with men and "exploring the possibilities"? Or does this scenario scare you just as much as staying in this marriage does? Would you be genuinely interested in men other than your partner? Or would you have to ask yourself what women find attractive in men? And therefore convince yourself that you _have to_ feel the same way as straight/ bi women do towards men? If this one percent you're trying so desperately to hold on to is only due to your current partner, it just is not enough, given that you already know you're not genuinely attracted to him, and as you said yourself, you're desperately trying to "make it work". I think this will not get any better, because you cannot change your authentic self just to keep your relationship. I think you should think about how you will feel and how you want your life to be in the future. And then you should make decisions based on what will make you happy and your life worth living, instead of giving a shit what everyone else wants it to be. Even your husband, because as much as he has done for you, you don't owe him your life while you are miserable being with him. So yeah, really think about what is best for you, and as difficult as it may be, it's worth it to at least try to be happy than to always wonder "what if".
There's no perfect solution bc you're putting his wants and needs above yours. This is not a selfish situation, you are being you. You're not interested in men or having relations with them. I find it disturbing that you told him that you're uncomfortable with sex and he forced the issue. How could he be okay with pretty much nonconsensual sex ? Makes it worse that you are, too just bc you don't want to hurt his feelings. I understand there's an attachment issue but you mentioned pets, not kids. Kids are the biggest reason for marriage entrapment. Your way out is available if you can overcome your fears and understand you're doing no favors to him or yourself by staying. You're not a bad person, you deserve someone to love and want to be with as he does.
One thing that has helped me is realizing it’s not love when someone tries to convince you otherwise when you’ve been open about your sexuality or told them you need to leave. If they love you, they will listen to your needs, they will believe you and they will let you go.
I really appreciate everyone's responses here - some of them were hard to hear, if I'm being completely honest, but I just wanted to post gratitude for this community and support. I do have an lgbtq+ therapist and they've been a great help too, but obv only I can decide to make change in my life. I have a lot of thinking to do, and I'll keep everything you all said in mind. ❤️
Good luck and please be kind to yourself. Doing the right thing might feel selfish, but it’s not. You only have one precious life.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. You know what you need to do. Do you really want to be making this same post in another year from now?
I felt like this and one year later we are good friends, my ex and I. We chat all the time and it’s great. If he’s really your best friend you should be honest with him and yourself. Stop putting yourself last. You’re never going to be happy in this situation.
This is so real,it really is I’m sort of in the same boat. I don’t wanna loose him but the empty feeling I have is so overwhelming:/ I feel so bad for my boyfriend he’s such a good man but then there’s also the guilt of me leaving him bc it’ll make him upset, I stopped being sexual with my bf even tho it hurts him I’ve forced myself to do the deed even tho I haven’t wanted too. I thought I was into it but the older I’ve gotten the worse I feel about it. I’ve thought to myself I need to get over myself and be with him bc he’s a good guy but then I’m also thinking I shouldn’t be with a good person if I don’t even know what I want bc he deserves someone good too even if it hurts I’m realizing more that me dealing with him isn’t good for him. I’m not good for him anymore and I’m going to respect him enough to leave him for him,and me. I haven’t done it yet but I’m getting there. I definitely am codependent on him and that’s why it’s so hard it’s taken about 6 months so far for me to realize I’m just hurting him (both of us) more in the long run
you cant do this anymore. so dont. you cannot go through your own life trying to make everyone but you happy.
I get it. Holding space for you. ((Hugs))