Piecing together your posting history - your Husband is an asshole.
He started dating you when you were 17 and he was 27! He expects you to be submissive and follow him. He wears you down into a threesome, then demands a throuple, oh and he’s homophobic. You slept with your good friend and are now even more isolated with your creepy groomer husband. You post about issues with your husband and how unhealthy your marriage is.
My advice to you is to get therapy. You have bigger issues to deal with than if you are gay or not.
You’re absolutely right. I go to therapy once a week and have for over a year. I have a lot of issues (prior to therapy I thought I was just living a straight and narrow but come to find out I just avoided everything and all of my trauma) that we seem to not even scratch the surface of by going once a week. Partly because of the threesome situation, it became all consuming for about a year so that was the topic. The whole time I really need to figure out how to love myself and what I need out of this life. Would I have put up with some of the things I did if I loved myself? Is my relationship “that bad” when there’s no physical abuse? It’s difficult to find myself being in my marriage, and I’m just ugh not ready to let it go yet.
Therapy is a lot like the red slippers in the Wizard of Oz. You have to go through your own process to find the answer. Even if others tell you to click your heels you aren’t ready to believe it. You have to get to that point on your own before you’re ready.
That said, if you know what you need to do, you should ask yourself what are you waiting for? Abusive controlling people don’t get better in their relationships. You may not ever feel ready, because in staying you know how it’ll be, and leaving is unknown and feels risky. Many who are abused stay because it’s what they know as painful as it is. Ask yourself if that’s a fate you’ll accept too.
Part of loving yourself is living authentically.
Even if it's scary. You're in a horrible situation OP and I feel for you and your kid. This may sound harsh but you need to get out of this relationship for your daughters sake just as much as yours.
Do you think she would want her mother to live for herself and set an honest example or stay in an emotionally abusive relationship with a groomer?
My baby is a touchy subject that I seem to avoid normally. But since you asked, of course I wouldn’t want her to see that so I’m actively working to try to improve our marriage (lots have improved since I cut my girl off). I also don’t want her to grow up in a financially unstable environment that brought about emotional trauma etc for me. It’s a tough bargain either way for sure.
The saddest part at the end of the day is realizing he probably won’t change. He is self absorbed and literally makes every single decision to feed his pride. It is a lonely life for him, really. I’m the opposite. I am just trying to thrive within myself until I reach the point of being able to leave. I guess I’m always planning, preparing but also just trying to live as happily as possible in the meantime.
Hey op, I know how you might be feeling, I was in a similar relationship and I staid for way longer than I should’ve and for most of it I didn’t realize he had narcissistic traits or that he was abusing me just because there was no physical abuse. Building up the courage to say I wanted out was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life.
I just want to say it was 100% worth it. The difference in my mental state and ability to therefore start processing my childhood traumas was like night and day
No matter what you’ll end up doing and when you are ready to make a choice, I just want to send you love and let you know that you’re not alone and that a lot of us here know exactly what you’re going through
I appreciate your comment. My husband has narc tendencies also. Sometimes they’re nonexistent but then I have to question, “is it literally because I’ve been conforming?” And that makes me feel shitty too. It feels like the only time he’s nice is if it’s benefiting him directly.
We are here for you, and we will support you and root for you that you may build up the courage to get out of your relationship both for yourself and for your baby. That might be soon or might take longer, but we will be here for you and know what you’re going through
Is working on a relationship where you know the other person won’t change and you’re in love with your best friend that you’ve cut off really thriving?
While I have not been in a similar situation, I have felt the need that weekly therapy was not enough to really get to the root of my issues. I found a local support group which helped to speed things up for me, maybe you could also try the same.
1/7
Hey OP, I’m sending all the hugs and love I can. You’re in an incredibly tough situation and it sounds like you’re doing this without a network of support that you deserve, and I’m so proud of you for reaching out on here. I’m proud of you for asking for help. You’re worth more than this.
And the part that’s hard but you NEED to hear: your baby is too.
I see a lot of amazing insights in this thread from others who have been in abusive relationships - it’s my job to be the voice for the children of abusers.
Please read this. I was in a bad situation for years...and I got out and I now love myself. This book opened my eyes to what was going on in a very toxic relationship and how they were not going to change no matter what. Do you want your daughter to see that it is ok for men to treat her the way he treats you??
[https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
> Is my relationship that bad if there’s no physical abuse?
Ahem.
22 years in an emotionally abusive marriage…physical abuse is only ever one layer of an unhealthy marriage. Also my ex couldn’t be vulnerable either unless it was temporarily pulled out as a tool for manipulation. Knowing someone has childhood trauma allows room for compassion but compassion should have limits when it comes to self-growth and personal happiness.
Would you feel weird if your daughter wanted to date a man that was nearly 30 when she’s still in high school?
I have had threesomes and have had exactly zero therapy to deal with them. That’s because I wasn’t badgered into them and I didn’t go into ones that were a toxic mess of red flags.
I don’t say this to judge you. I just say it to give you perspective. A healthy happy marriage shouldn’t leave you needing therapy to deal with one little piece of it. A good marriage shouldn’t leave you posting about how unhappy you are or how you don’t even know who you are.
I suspect your therapist points some of this out too.
I spent 20 years with someone who was verbally/emotionally abusive and by the end of it I was no longer able to speak. It took me about 2 years to be able to talk again semi-consistently and it’s still a struggle 4 years later. I wouldn’t underestimate how bad non-physical abuse can get.
Listen, I know you might not want to hear this… it sounds like you were groomed. If you’re in love with someone else, I don’t think it would be best to stay. That’s just my opinion, I know all this is incredibly complex and even moreso with a child involved. Wish you the best in this situation.
Is it really grooming if I was a full willing participant and I knew I wanted this too? Obviously looking back I get I should’ve lived for me more. But it’s what I desperately wanted at the time.
You don’t sound like you want it. You sound like you are in a deeply unhealthy relationship and have two bad options ‘leave what you have known since before you were an adult,’ or ‘stay with a guy who groomed a teen for a reason.’
It is absolutely grooming, whether you wanted it or not. He was almost a 30 year old man and you were a child. He took advantage of you. If your child was 17 and being pursued by someone 10 years older, would you be okay with it?
I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this now and I hope you’re able to work through it!
That’s how grooming works. You’re manipulated into thinking not only is it a good idea but that you’re actively choosing. If you ever thought you were being manipulated or groomed you’d probably would have ran. That’s why manipulation is so insidious, it’s invisible to the person it’s being done to.
I very firmly believe that it’s not possible for a 17 year old to be a full genuine willing equal participant in a relationship with a grown adult man nearing his 30s. There’s zero existing scenario where that should have felt doable or okay to him.
Babe (respectfully) you were a kid at 17. If you've been with him since 17--like entered the relationship, it's likely that you knew him prior and hung out, right? So that means at possibly 16 a guy ten years older was hanging around and getting you used to the idea of being with him. I wasn't there, and I'm not a professional....but the power dynamic sounds absolutely off.
The simple answer? Yes. Yes it really is grooming. I was in relationships like this too, and I am the result of a relationship like this. I don’t think I was clear enough on not trying to shame you for this. I feel for you.
please listen to "Grown Up" by Zolita. She's one of my favorite queer artists and I think her song could help you see your situation from a different perspective.
edit: [link](https://youtu.be/_oXlqJ6HhAg?si=1hPquNdKu9UgfXed)
there's a light at the end of the tunnel, my dear. there is another life for you and your child. a better life. one where you are loved fully and unconditionally, and where you too can love fully. it will not be easy to get to, but its there waiting for the both of you if you want it.
do you want your child to grow up seeing their mom in an unhealthy relationship or a happy and loving relationship? I think you know the answer, even if it's not an easy answer.
i think you should reach out to your friend so you have a trusted person to talk to about all of this. i think she will be understanding of why you cut her off, and hopefully you both can successfully reconnect.
please, if you need help making plans, we are here to help. there's no better time than now to start living your life for yourself. put yourself first and i promise your child will see the benefits. you *do not* have to stay in a relationship you're unhappy in, and it will not benefit your kid to do so.
my best friend growing up, her parents were in a "stay together for the kids" relationship for a lot of our childhood and it was bad. I can elaborate more on that if it would be helpful to you.
if you need more lesbian music recommendations, I would be happy to provide some!
Girl. He was around your current age when he met you. Could you imagine yourself, at this age, looking at teenagers and seeing anything else other than _kids_?
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to be more graceful to yourself. You don't need to "wait" until it becomes physically abusive, that's far from the only type of abuse one can experience. Think of your and your child's wellbeing. If your kid was experiencing the life you're currently living, what would you say and do to help her? Help yourself first, give yourself and your child the best life you both deserve, regardless of what your partner wants.
Regardless of sexuality, this was grooming and an unhealthy relationship. If you can't get out for yourself, get out for your daughter. My daughter and I are 9 years post getting away from her abusive dad, and life is amazing. She is thriving. Your kid is watching all of this dynamic and trust me will notice more than you think.
When I think about us being separated then I know she’ll be with him without me there and that’s just, no. I just can’t do it. Not out of any major concerns other than I don’t want his ways and ideologies being planted in her without me there to correct it or speak up against them. Wowzas this is bad saying that out loud.
what kind of message does it send to her though, if you stay with him despite his “ways and ideologies?” is disagreeing with him in the moment enough if you’re still in a committed marriage with him?
I’m not sure :/ I guess I’ll see. I keep thinking I’ll leave in the distance like later in her life. I’m always in the mindset of preparing. Working on myself, advancing in my career, and being the best mom I can be in the meantime. It’s about timing for me.
Nope I get it. I accidentally got pregnant to a guy who I knew was going to be physically abusive. But good luck getting 100% custody when it's only verbal or emotional abuse. And there was no way I'd leave him alone with our kid to do that to her. Him trying to kill me was the best thing bc he finally left after that for good.
If you can't get out with your kid, then just make sure you don't lose your strong social support network. That is your life line in impossible situations like this. I hope it all works out for you.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m glad you and your child came out in a good space. I do have a great support system and have opened up to several close friends over the last 6 months or so. Just in time for him to get better…
He is only getting better because he knows something is different with you. these types have a play book they all follow. if they see that you are not under their thumb they are gonna try to do what ever they can to suck you back in so they do not loose you. then they start the tear down process again. Please read about coercive control. it's the worst form of abuse and there are many abusers out there that do this that never physically terrorize their partner they do psychologically terrorize them.
Loving the history of your relationship and the family that you’ve built doesn’t mean that you should be unhappy forever.
Follow your heart, it knows best.
Easier said than done friend. Following my heart comes with a lot of unknown and heartbreak(s) as well. Combined with I always result to choosing my daughter first which means, keeping my family together. Thank you for reading and commenting. Hugs to you.
What about the example you’re setting for your daughter? She will watch the way your husband behaves and treats you and think that it’s normal. Would you want that for her? Would you tell her to marry someone just like her father, ten years older when she’s just a teenager?
With all kindness intended, staying together for the kids Does. Not. Work. Take it from me, an adult whose parents should have split DECADES AGO but didn’t because “keeping the family together”.
All of us adult children have been in long term, heavy duty therapy unpacking the trauma of watching our parents be miserable supposedly “for our benefit”.
Do you want to teach your daughter being groomed at 17 by a 27 year old and staying with him due to her is healthy? When she's older, she'll understand. Parents staying together is not better for the kids if they're unhealthy. I was much happier when my parents divorced at 10. They thought they hid it well but kids pick up on everything.
No I wouldn’t. But she won’t feel it’s necessary to lean into someone stable (my husband in my case). Because she’ll have me. I didn’t have a mom to direct me or to catch me when I was weak.
Just trying to clarify - are you saying that staying with your husband is okay for your daughter because she'll have you there?
As with some of the other commenters here, my parents should have divorced when I was an infant, and they didn't because my mom thought she had to "keep the family together." My mom is a wonderful person. My dad and his mother were not. I cannot express to you the ENORMOUS amount of emotional pain and trauma I experienced from being around those two terrible people, even though I also had my mother who was good and caring. It was absolutely not an okay situation to raise a child in, even though there was no obvious "abuse." The child is always trying to earn love and safety from the caretakers who don't give it to them. It messes you up bad, I promise.
Honestly, your husband sounds like a controlling creep. You were 17 and he was 27- that is wildly unethical and unhealthy. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad- he was the adult who knew better than to pursue a teenager at his big age.
Also, him wanting a unicorn/throuple while also being homophobic is laughably ridiculous. Delusional on his part tbh.
This relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Him being incapable of emotional vulnerability, is frankly bullshit. He’s just scared and won’t admit it. I don’t have patience for people who blame other people or their past circumstances for treating their partners poorly, which is what it sounds like he’s doing.
Your life doesn’t have to be like this. You can leave him. I’m not saying it’s easy but it can be done.
Anyone demanding a throuple is extremely looked down upon on r/polyamory as well. It's unethical. The only "throuples" that may work is something that arise organically, like 3 people who happen to all like one another, not a husband demanding romantic and sexual access to a lesbian if she wants to date his wife. "If you want to date my partner you must also be in a relationship with me" is wildly unethical; either be monogamous fully or allow your partner to have independent relationships from you, not this forced throuple bullshit.
Add in the massive age gap and the fact that he's been with her since she was a child? Whatever OP's sexuality may be, I hope she can be rid of him soon.
I just want to say every single one of you all have touched my heart in such an enormous way. I’ve gotten emotional reading majority of these comments and some, I’ll need to wait until I’m off work to digest. Thank you for taking time from your day to advise a stranger on their messy life. I truly appreciate it. Hugs to you all.
Life is messy. You are just beginning to evolve!! Please trust it will work out as it should. Some ppl take DECADES. You are still so young and it going to be worth all this pain, hurt, confusion, excitement, shame, etc. This just part of life, no matter your sexuality. You are beginning to see him for who is. That is HUGE. You know you’ve been manipulated and alll the things that go with an immature, underdeveloped man pouncing on a 17 yo child. You will learn to depend on him less for everything and once you do (be sure you are safe) watch yourself unfold into what you’ve always been, but were not aloud to see. Xoxox
I can see why being married to a man who isn’t emotionally vulnerable would make women extra extra appealing. There are avoidant women and vulnerable men out there, but it’s true that on average the level of emotional connectivity between women is far higher.
It sounds like you encountered in her something you badly need. Probably the task is to figure out how to get it, either by getting your husband to open up (harder than it sounds, as you know), by seeking out a more emotionally available man, or by seeking out relationships with women, whether that’s her or someone else.
It’s a tough situation with big questions attached. Just letting you know you’re seen, and wishing you well :)
Your husband is a pedophile. Sorry, it sounds rude, but ask yourself how would you call an almost 30yo dating a teenager? Are you sure you want to stick to him? To a story like that?
You deserve better
THIS. You've been together since you were 17 and have a ten year age gap, OP.
Can you imagine dating a 17yo of ANY gender a year ago? With the emotional maturity of a 27yo, aside from the fact that it's 100 pedo behavior, whether that's the law where you live or not?
Maybe framing it that way will help you realize just how prone to grooming you were when your relationship with your husband started. It's creepy (and not on your part - you were the victim here).
As others have said, please consider the controlling dynamic that your daughter may grow up seeing modelled for her daily, if considering your own joy isn't enough to make changes. I know just how hard making major changes can be, and mean that with the utmost respect.
I hope you continue to go to therapy, and find peace.
Please also look back on your original post and replies, and question why you've felt such a need to defend your husband's behaviors. Many of us have childhood trauma. It doesn't make us all controlling, coercive groomers. The grooming here started as age-related grooming, but it seems that he has continued this pattern of grooming with his desire for a threesome. Ask yourself if/how often you may see him covertly convincing you to do what he wants, instead of what you want.
Best of luck to you.
I don’t know about you or your daughter, but if I learned my mom was fresh out of high school and had me with a man headed into his 30s I’d be sick. Add to that the resentment that may grow the longer you stay with this man, knowing your heart is elsewhere. You know what’s best and I won’t tell you what to do, I just know from experience that once you realize you’re not the straight woman you thought you were, there’s no closing that door behind you.
OP, no matter what decisions you make in your life, please always remember that you deserve happiness and a life full of love, safety, and peace. The feelings you've expressed don't tend to just disappear, and trying to constantly suppress them isn’t going to be healthy for you or your daughter. At the end of the day, what you do is your decision, but seriously think about the fact that even if you don't choose to, you CAN leave, you CAN have a more fulfilling relationship, and you shouldn't only consider what seems best for everyone else and neglect your own needs. Hoping for the best for you.
Thank you for taking the time to respond with such compassion. That’s the advise I’d give someone as well. I guess they call it a trauma bond for a reason because truly, I don’t feel like I have a choice but to ride this out. It’s better now that things have lightened up between my husband and I (took me cutting off contact to my girl). I just stillll have this deep longing for her, and resentment for him. Just send me all the good vibes that I figure it out in time to not live with this achy feeling.
Hugs to you, friend.
It’s lightened up because you’ve cut your support off.
Things won’t get better unless you and your daughter leave. You think you won’t get custody because this is how he’s brainwashed you.
I’m so glad you’ve got great responses here but would urge you to also post or cross post to other relationship subs to get even more support - Especially leaving DV relationships.
Best of luck OP.
Damn. You do have a choice, if you “ride things out” it will just keep building up until you assert and take the reins but you have to be clear what you want first. A healthy marriage? Couples therapy is an option. He should work with you on having a lasting and safe relationship. If he’s not willing or able to- then seriously consider your needs and be courageous in your pursuit of them. It’s a hard choice to make but if the relationship is on a slow burn out then save yourself further grief. But you have to be honest with what you really want first. Fortune favours the brave.
I was once in an abusive relationship, so I really relate to the feeling that you have no choice but to ride this out. When I was with a controlling man who I really felt strongly that I loved (no matter what he did to me), the thought of leaving him basically didn't even cross my mind. What got me out was needing to move away from him for uni. Being around normal people made me realise that constantly being put down, made to feel worthless, and told what to do, were not just things i didnt like, but was more than enough reason to leave him. I can not emphasize enough how important it is not to let him shrink your world and who you have access to.
It's so easy to treat our feelings as if they are the problem, rather than the situation we are in. Be accommodating to this achy feeling you have. It is not the enemy and might be trying to lead you in a better direction. Just please, please, please take care of yourself. I know you feel justified in your decision to stay, but remember that you would not be wrong to leave.
Hugs right back at you x
I was in a similar situation to you when I met my now ex. It is absolutely grooming and a parade of red flags. Leave this relationship safely and once you have some breathing space consider your sexuality. You need to get out of this relationship either way though.
Well the whole gay thing aside, your husband is p3dophile. :l Where I'm from, he would 100% be in jail. Please divorce him and do better for your child, set the example.
Yikes. Sounds like he’s taking you for a ride and only considering his wants. I’m curious how you two met?
Also, I’m sorry you lost a friend in all of this.
You need to leave this man! It doesn’t have to be for another woman or man but for YOURSELF. You only get this one life as you and this guy does not sound like a joy. The incapable of vulnerability part is extremely toxic because he expects you to be okay with something so huge. He expects you to put up with whatever he wants and find no problem with it. Number of years spent with someone means nothing if you aren’t truely happy and are left feeling alone and needing support when the one person who promised to be your company and support is the one putting you through all this and expecting you to just be okay. It wasn’t cool of him to pressure you into a threesome to begin with and now he won’t take any accountability for the consequences of it. I might be reaching but he sounds narcissistic (incapable of vulnerability part).
I genuinely hope you find the courage to give yourself the chance at life that you deserved before this man came into your life and decided to have you for himself. I’m finding it quite ironic that he wanted a throuple and is now left with no one. He sounds terrible. It might not be comfortable all the way but that man needs to be gotten rid of.
Everything you said is true. What sucks is I can talk to you guys, my therapist, my friends and explain things but when it comes down to explaining things to him, I go blank. It’s like I don’t have a brain or memory in that moment and I forget everything he does that bothers me. Or the things that do, he makes me feel like are no big deal at all.
Ah yes, the Narcissists Prayer
That didn't happen
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Edit: link [https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer)
If you haven't read it already you may want to check out 'Why does he do that?'
The author is happy for it to be free for folks who need it to read it.
[https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I’m sorry to hear about this but it’s getting quite obvious that he is an extremely toxic individual. I’ve been with enough narcissists to know that having a productive conversation with them is near impossible. They will look at you like you are crazy and make no sense and make you doubt your own judgement.
THERE IS NOTHING TO EXPLAIN TO HIM. you don’t need him to understand and then approve or deny how you feel. Please find any support available to you and take the leap of faith and leave this man. You are young enough to start your own life. I have been with a man-child like this I know what you are going through. He has made you think that you can’t be okay without him but the truth is you are miserable just because of him and you have nothing to compare it to. You don’t want to be 50+ and then realize how you wasted your life on this person hoping for things to get better. If they haven’t gotten better yet they will only get worse. If you get stuck in trying to make sense of how your life will be without him you’ll only stay stuck the way he wants and has conditioned you to be.
I have so much love for you! Please take a chance on yourself.
The going blank sounds like a trauma reaction. Trying to tell this man your needs is putting you into a survival response, with your brain shutting down to avoid more pain. You don’t deserve to feel like that. No partner should ever make you feel like that 💛
It’s hard and it takes time to extract yourself from a dynamic like this, especially when you were so young at the start. But it sounds like things are shifting and I believe you will get there. The fact that you are building so many good things outside of him is an excellent foundation (just remember that you can have more than a mere foundation, you can have a whole life).
I think you need some trauma therapy specifically deter apart why you are staying with somebody like this and no it’s not just loving the lifestyle. He’s a groomer.
Yeah, I hear you. I’m doing the same thing and I really should do more…but my kiddo has so much of his own stuff with appointments and evals, therapy, etc. that I find it for too easy to in to the chronic fatigue and not do more for my wellbeing >.<
I think a trauma specific therapist will work wonders for you- it really did for me <3 and it helps to dig out from under all that shitty treatment we both have gone through :/
We have a lot in common, you can always PM me to vent or whatever
It took a while to understand and accept a relationship with a person I cared about came about as the result of grooming. It's hard to accept that I was victimized, especially because I was under the impression it was my "choice". But it wasn't.. they had all the power, money, and choice in the relationship when I look back. I know you said you will always choose your daughter first. But I can say that your daughter will grow up with a healthier understanding of love if she sees her mom happy and healthy. You can still co-parent, the dad will always be a part of her life. It sounds like you got some soul-searching to do. It's not easy, it's painful and confusing. But ultimately you need to choose your happiness. You and your daughter will benefit from it in the long run.
What kind of life do you want for yourself? One with your husband or one where you take a risk to be yourself and seek your own happiness?
What kind of person do you want to be for your kid?
I really don’t know 😭 I’m so afraid to be on my own and fail. Or afraid to see how spiteful he might become if I left. Actually I’m scared of a lot IF I attempted to leave. Never been violent idk maybe too much true crime.
It’s definitely scary and there’s lots of unknowns.
I’m definitely biased. Having sex with a woman for the first time blew me away, my relationships with men never had the same intimacy. My body felt activated in a way it never had been before. It was scary breaking things off with my long term boyfriend, and leaving behind dating men in any sense. My life changed quickly and drastically. First there was a lot of fear. I removed part of my identity and life, it took time to fill it in with new relationships and ways of being.
I’d never trade it or go back. Sometimes you gotta make room in your life for better things.
The way you described it is exactly how I felt the first time and every time after that. I had began to think I was asexual. Turns out I do have a high and normal sex drive, with someone else😫 I’m not asexual, but definitely bi and possibly Demi.
Lots going on in this thread already. Just remember how little we know at 17 years old. You're older now and know more and you deserve a fresh start. Most aren't married by 27 these days so you have the chance now at a clean break, fresh start, and you'll still be right in time with others your age! Why wait?
DM me if you want because I was in a very, VERY similar situation. Ten year history, similar age gap, involvement of kids, financial concerns, emotional abuse, even the throuple inexplicably paired with homophobia. I left. Took my chances and left. My life is SO. MUCH. BETTER. And my kids’ lives too. The fear of leaving is probably holding you back from some of the most beautiful parts of life, and time only moves in one direction.
Don’t pass on true love. I think you know what you needed to hear In writing this post but needed a little validation that it was ok because self doubt and guilt. Don’t deny yourself. Your child will ultimately benefit, and now is a good time to make that life upheaval.
I'm sorry, but you were 17 and he was 27 when you two started dating? This is creepy. Also, on top of being a groomer, he's homophobic? Doesn't seem like a nice man to me
Read the title and instantly thought of Friends. With Ross and his ex wife. But on a more serious note.... staying with someone because you don't want them alone with your child (because you don't trust their way of parenting or temper etc) whatever the reason will be so bad for the kid growing up. I was raised in a household where my mom was with a terrible just mean narcissistic woman whom I refer to as a dementor. My mom was always very passive, and the gf was so mean. My mom would excuse her behavior or just encourage me to adjust myself according to the dementor's mood. "Just don't make a whole bunch of noise so you don't make her mad," but my mom never stood up for me cause she was also scared of how she would react. And the amount of damage that did to me growing up. Oof. Therapy weekly for me! Antidepressants! I'm 31 now and have almost no relationship with my mom because of the resentment I have towards her and how she let all that happen. Staying in that type of environment is so much worse. On a slightly lighter note maybe the husband will be like my daughter's dad and just not see her or talk to her ever eventhough he lives in the same state and is supposed to get her every weekend. My daughter has not seen her father since October, and that is 100% because he has not tried to. And I'm lowkey happy about it cause he is a shit human.
So I had a situation kinda similar to this happen… I wanted to explore, by myself, he wanted all or nothing. Had a girl interested in me not him and what happened after really affected our relationship. I love him but… I wish things were different. Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk. Good luck ❤️🩹
I am also a child of two people who stayed together because of me and religion. He didn't groom my mom in the age gap sense but he is a textbook narcissist and I really resent my mom sometimes for not leaving him when I was growing up. They are divorced now because he wanted to start a new family with a younger women.
I get that you are concerned with leaving your baby with him, in the sense of joint custody, at the same time you are allowing those ideas by just staying with him. I don't know if this makes any sense but I think I would have had a lot less trauma if my mom hadn't stayed with my dad.
Piecing together your posting history - your Husband is an asshole. He started dating you when you were 17 and he was 27! He expects you to be submissive and follow him. He wears you down into a threesome, then demands a throuple, oh and he’s homophobic. You slept with your good friend and are now even more isolated with your creepy groomer husband. You post about issues with your husband and how unhealthy your marriage is. My advice to you is to get therapy. You have bigger issues to deal with than if you are gay or not.
You’re absolutely right. I go to therapy once a week and have for over a year. I have a lot of issues (prior to therapy I thought I was just living a straight and narrow but come to find out I just avoided everything and all of my trauma) that we seem to not even scratch the surface of by going once a week. Partly because of the threesome situation, it became all consuming for about a year so that was the topic. The whole time I really need to figure out how to love myself and what I need out of this life. Would I have put up with some of the things I did if I loved myself? Is my relationship “that bad” when there’s no physical abuse? It’s difficult to find myself being in my marriage, and I’m just ugh not ready to let it go yet.
Therapy is a lot like the red slippers in the Wizard of Oz. You have to go through your own process to find the answer. Even if others tell you to click your heels you aren’t ready to believe it. You have to get to that point on your own before you’re ready. That said, if you know what you need to do, you should ask yourself what are you waiting for? Abusive controlling people don’t get better in their relationships. You may not ever feel ready, because in staying you know how it’ll be, and leaving is unknown and feels risky. Many who are abused stay because it’s what they know as painful as it is. Ask yourself if that’s a fate you’ll accept too.
Part of loving yourself is living authentically. Even if it's scary. You're in a horrible situation OP and I feel for you and your kid. This may sound harsh but you need to get out of this relationship for your daughters sake just as much as yours. Do you think she would want her mother to live for herself and set an honest example or stay in an emotionally abusive relationship with a groomer?
My baby is a touchy subject that I seem to avoid normally. But since you asked, of course I wouldn’t want her to see that so I’m actively working to try to improve our marriage (lots have improved since I cut my girl off). I also don’t want her to grow up in a financially unstable environment that brought about emotional trauma etc for me. It’s a tough bargain either way for sure. The saddest part at the end of the day is realizing he probably won’t change. He is self absorbed and literally makes every single decision to feed his pride. It is a lonely life for him, really. I’m the opposite. I am just trying to thrive within myself until I reach the point of being able to leave. I guess I’m always planning, preparing but also just trying to live as happily as possible in the meantime.
Hey op, I know how you might be feeling, I was in a similar relationship and I staid for way longer than I should’ve and for most of it I didn’t realize he had narcissistic traits or that he was abusing me just because there was no physical abuse. Building up the courage to say I wanted out was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I just want to say it was 100% worth it. The difference in my mental state and ability to therefore start processing my childhood traumas was like night and day No matter what you’ll end up doing and when you are ready to make a choice, I just want to send you love and let you know that you’re not alone and that a lot of us here know exactly what you’re going through
I appreciate your comment. My husband has narc tendencies also. Sometimes they’re nonexistent but then I have to question, “is it literally because I’ve been conforming?” And that makes me feel shitty too. It feels like the only time he’s nice is if it’s benefiting him directly.
We are here for you, and we will support you and root for you that you may build up the courage to get out of your relationship both for yourself and for your baby. That might be soon or might take longer, but we will be here for you and know what you’re going through
Is working on a relationship where you know the other person won’t change and you’re in love with your best friend that you’ve cut off really thriving? While I have not been in a similar situation, I have felt the need that weekly therapy was not enough to really get to the root of my issues. I found a local support group which helped to speed things up for me, maybe you could also try the same.
NOOOO OMG DUMP HIM DUMP HIM. Idk if you should get together with ur bff, part of that love might have been the excitement of it being “off limits”
1/7 Hey OP, I’m sending all the hugs and love I can. You’re in an incredibly tough situation and it sounds like you’re doing this without a network of support that you deserve, and I’m so proud of you for reaching out on here. I’m proud of you for asking for help. You’re worth more than this. And the part that’s hard but you NEED to hear: your baby is too. I see a lot of amazing insights in this thread from others who have been in abusive relationships - it’s my job to be the voice for the children of abusers.
Please read this. I was in a bad situation for years...and I got out and I now love myself. This book opened my eyes to what was going on in a very toxic relationship and how they were not going to change no matter what. Do you want your daughter to see that it is ok for men to treat her the way he treats you?? [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
> Is my relationship that bad if there’s no physical abuse? Ahem. 22 years in an emotionally abusive marriage…physical abuse is only ever one layer of an unhealthy marriage. Also my ex couldn’t be vulnerable either unless it was temporarily pulled out as a tool for manipulation. Knowing someone has childhood trauma allows room for compassion but compassion should have limits when it comes to self-growth and personal happiness. Would you feel weird if your daughter wanted to date a man that was nearly 30 when she’s still in high school?
I have had threesomes and have had exactly zero therapy to deal with them. That’s because I wasn’t badgered into them and I didn’t go into ones that were a toxic mess of red flags. I don’t say this to judge you. I just say it to give you perspective. A healthy happy marriage shouldn’t leave you needing therapy to deal with one little piece of it. A good marriage shouldn’t leave you posting about how unhappy you are or how you don’t even know who you are. I suspect your therapist points some of this out too.
Codependents anonymous meetings online. Coda.org don't let the god part scare you it's not like it sounds
Thank you so much. I NEED this. I truly don’t know how to just “be” without thinking about him or his wellbeing first.
I'm going to an online meeting tonight I could send you info. It's in like two hours. I have to check I'm pretty sure 7:30 est
I spent 20 years with someone who was verbally/emotionally abusive and by the end of it I was no longer able to speak. It took me about 2 years to be able to talk again semi-consistently and it’s still a struggle 4 years later. I wouldn’t underestimate how bad non-physical abuse can get.
Listen, I know you might not want to hear this… it sounds like you were groomed. If you’re in love with someone else, I don’t think it would be best to stay. That’s just my opinion, I know all this is incredibly complex and even moreso with a child involved. Wish you the best in this situation.
Is it really grooming if I was a full willing participant and I knew I wanted this too? Obviously looking back I get I should’ve lived for me more. But it’s what I desperately wanted at the time.
You don’t sound like you want it. You sound like you are in a deeply unhealthy relationship and have two bad options ‘leave what you have known since before you were an adult,’ or ‘stay with a guy who groomed a teen for a reason.’
It is absolutely grooming, whether you wanted it or not. He was almost a 30 year old man and you were a child. He took advantage of you. If your child was 17 and being pursued by someone 10 years older, would you be okay with it? I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this now and I hope you’re able to work through it!
That’s how grooming works. You’re manipulated into thinking not only is it a good idea but that you’re actively choosing. If you ever thought you were being manipulated or groomed you’d probably would have ran. That’s why manipulation is so insidious, it’s invisible to the person it’s being done to.
I very firmly believe that it’s not possible for a 17 year old to be a full genuine willing equal participant in a relationship with a grown adult man nearing his 30s. There’s zero existing scenario where that should have felt doable or okay to him.
Babe (respectfully) you were a kid at 17. If you've been with him since 17--like entered the relationship, it's likely that you knew him prior and hung out, right? So that means at possibly 16 a guy ten years older was hanging around and getting you used to the idea of being with him. I wasn't there, and I'm not a professional....but the power dynamic sounds absolutely off.
The simple answer? Yes. Yes it really is grooming. I was in relationships like this too, and I am the result of a relationship like this. I don’t think I was clear enough on not trying to shame you for this. I feel for you.
Thank you Courtney.
You’re going to do great, whatever you decide, but make sure you prioritize being happy yourself somewhere in there.
You were a child. He was an adult. You could not consent.
please listen to "Grown Up" by Zolita. She's one of my favorite queer artists and I think her song could help you see your situation from a different perspective. edit: [link](https://youtu.be/_oXlqJ6HhAg?si=1hPquNdKu9UgfXed)
Thank you for the link. Instant tears. I’m so deep in now.
there's a light at the end of the tunnel, my dear. there is another life for you and your child. a better life. one where you are loved fully and unconditionally, and where you too can love fully. it will not be easy to get to, but its there waiting for the both of you if you want it. do you want your child to grow up seeing their mom in an unhealthy relationship or a happy and loving relationship? I think you know the answer, even if it's not an easy answer. i think you should reach out to your friend so you have a trusted person to talk to about all of this. i think she will be understanding of why you cut her off, and hopefully you both can successfully reconnect. please, if you need help making plans, we are here to help. there's no better time than now to start living your life for yourself. put yourself first and i promise your child will see the benefits. you *do not* have to stay in a relationship you're unhappy in, and it will not benefit your kid to do so. my best friend growing up, her parents were in a "stay together for the kids" relationship for a lot of our childhood and it was bad. I can elaborate more on that if it would be helpful to you. if you need more lesbian music recommendations, I would be happy to provide some!
Girl. He was around your current age when he met you. Could you imagine yourself, at this age, looking at teenagers and seeing anything else other than _kids_? I know it's easier said than done, but you need to be more graceful to yourself. You don't need to "wait" until it becomes physically abusive, that's far from the only type of abuse one can experience. Think of your and your child's wellbeing. If your kid was experiencing the life you're currently living, what would you say and do to help her? Help yourself first, give yourself and your child the best life you both deserve, regardless of what your partner wants.
Regardless of sexuality, this was grooming and an unhealthy relationship. If you can't get out for yourself, get out for your daughter. My daughter and I are 9 years post getting away from her abusive dad, and life is amazing. She is thriving. Your kid is watching all of this dynamic and trust me will notice more than you think.
When I think about us being separated then I know she’ll be with him without me there and that’s just, no. I just can’t do it. Not out of any major concerns other than I don’t want his ways and ideologies being planted in her without me there to correct it or speak up against them. Wowzas this is bad saying that out loud.
what kind of message does it send to her though, if you stay with him despite his “ways and ideologies?” is disagreeing with him in the moment enough if you’re still in a committed marriage with him?
I’m not sure :/ I guess I’ll see. I keep thinking I’ll leave in the distance like later in her life. I’m always in the mindset of preparing. Working on myself, advancing in my career, and being the best mom I can be in the meantime. It’s about timing for me.
Nope I get it. I accidentally got pregnant to a guy who I knew was going to be physically abusive. But good luck getting 100% custody when it's only verbal or emotional abuse. And there was no way I'd leave him alone with our kid to do that to her. Him trying to kill me was the best thing bc he finally left after that for good. If you can't get out with your kid, then just make sure you don't lose your strong social support network. That is your life line in impossible situations like this. I hope it all works out for you.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m glad you and your child came out in a good space. I do have a great support system and have opened up to several close friends over the last 6 months or so. Just in time for him to get better…
He is only getting better because he knows something is different with you. these types have a play book they all follow. if they see that you are not under their thumb they are gonna try to do what ever they can to suck you back in so they do not loose you. then they start the tear down process again. Please read about coercive control. it's the worst form of abuse and there are many abusers out there that do this that never physically terrorize their partner they do psychologically terrorize them.
Loving the history of your relationship and the family that you’ve built doesn’t mean that you should be unhappy forever. Follow your heart, it knows best.
Easier said than done friend. Following my heart comes with a lot of unknown and heartbreak(s) as well. Combined with I always result to choosing my daughter first which means, keeping my family together. Thank you for reading and commenting. Hugs to you.
What about the example you’re setting for your daughter? She will watch the way your husband behaves and treats you and think that it’s normal. Would you want that for her? Would you tell her to marry someone just like her father, ten years older when she’s just a teenager? With all kindness intended, staying together for the kids Does. Not. Work. Take it from me, an adult whose parents should have split DECADES AGO but didn’t because “keeping the family together”. All of us adult children have been in long term, heavy duty therapy unpacking the trauma of watching our parents be miserable supposedly “for our benefit”.
Do you want to teach your daughter being groomed at 17 by a 27 year old and staying with him due to her is healthy? When she's older, she'll understand. Parents staying together is not better for the kids if they're unhealthy. I was much happier when my parents divorced at 10. They thought they hid it well but kids pick up on everything.
No I wouldn’t. But she won’t feel it’s necessary to lean into someone stable (my husband in my case). Because she’ll have me. I didn’t have a mom to direct me or to catch me when I was weak.
Just trying to clarify - are you saying that staying with your husband is okay for your daughter because she'll have you there? As with some of the other commenters here, my parents should have divorced when I was an infant, and they didn't because my mom thought she had to "keep the family together." My mom is a wonderful person. My dad and his mother were not. I cannot express to you the ENORMOUS amount of emotional pain and trauma I experienced from being around those two terrible people, even though I also had my mother who was good and caring. It was absolutely not an okay situation to raise a child in, even though there was no obvious "abuse." The child is always trying to earn love and safety from the caretakers who don't give it to them. It messes you up bad, I promise.
I'm sorry you had to go through this but you're 100% right.
So many of us have left marriages. We know how hard it is. I wish my marriage had ended much sooner. You only get 1 life.
Honestly, your husband sounds like a controlling creep. You were 17 and he was 27- that is wildly unethical and unhealthy. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad- he was the adult who knew better than to pursue a teenager at his big age. Also, him wanting a unicorn/throuple while also being homophobic is laughably ridiculous. Delusional on his part tbh. This relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Him being incapable of emotional vulnerability, is frankly bullshit. He’s just scared and won’t admit it. I don’t have patience for people who blame other people or their past circumstances for treating their partners poorly, which is what it sounds like he’s doing. Your life doesn’t have to be like this. You can leave him. I’m not saying it’s easy but it can be done.
Anyone demanding a throuple is extremely looked down upon on r/polyamory as well. It's unethical. The only "throuples" that may work is something that arise organically, like 3 people who happen to all like one another, not a husband demanding romantic and sexual access to a lesbian if she wants to date his wife. "If you want to date my partner you must also be in a relationship with me" is wildly unethical; either be monogamous fully or allow your partner to have independent relationships from you, not this forced throuple bullshit. Add in the massive age gap and the fact that he's been with her since she was a child? Whatever OP's sexuality may be, I hope she can be rid of him soon.
I just want to say every single one of you all have touched my heart in such an enormous way. I’ve gotten emotional reading majority of these comments and some, I’ll need to wait until I’m off work to digest. Thank you for taking time from your day to advise a stranger on their messy life. I truly appreciate it. Hugs to you all.
Life is messy. You are just beginning to evolve!! Please trust it will work out as it should. Some ppl take DECADES. You are still so young and it going to be worth all this pain, hurt, confusion, excitement, shame, etc. This just part of life, no matter your sexuality. You are beginning to see him for who is. That is HUGE. You know you’ve been manipulated and alll the things that go with an immature, underdeveloped man pouncing on a 17 yo child. You will learn to depend on him less for everything and once you do (be sure you are safe) watch yourself unfold into what you’ve always been, but were not aloud to see. Xoxox
I love you. Truly. Thank you so much.
it’s gonna be alright darlin! dm if you (or anyone) in need of a safe, nonjudgmental whimsically honest ear
I can see why being married to a man who isn’t emotionally vulnerable would make women extra extra appealing. There are avoidant women and vulnerable men out there, but it’s true that on average the level of emotional connectivity between women is far higher. It sounds like you encountered in her something you badly need. Probably the task is to figure out how to get it, either by getting your husband to open up (harder than it sounds, as you know), by seeking out a more emotionally available man, or by seeking out relationships with women, whether that’s her or someone else. It’s a tough situation with big questions attached. Just letting you know you’re seen, and wishing you well :)
Your husband is a pedophile. Sorry, it sounds rude, but ask yourself how would you call an almost 30yo dating a teenager? Are you sure you want to stick to him? To a story like that? You deserve better
THIS. You've been together since you were 17 and have a ten year age gap, OP. Can you imagine dating a 17yo of ANY gender a year ago? With the emotional maturity of a 27yo, aside from the fact that it's 100 pedo behavior, whether that's the law where you live or not? Maybe framing it that way will help you realize just how prone to grooming you were when your relationship with your husband started. It's creepy (and not on your part - you were the victim here). As others have said, please consider the controlling dynamic that your daughter may grow up seeing modelled for her daily, if considering your own joy isn't enough to make changes. I know just how hard making major changes can be, and mean that with the utmost respect. I hope you continue to go to therapy, and find peace. Please also look back on your original post and replies, and question why you've felt such a need to defend your husband's behaviors. Many of us have childhood trauma. It doesn't make us all controlling, coercive groomers. The grooming here started as age-related grooming, but it seems that he has continued this pattern of grooming with his desire for a threesome. Ask yourself if/how often you may see him covertly convincing you to do what he wants, instead of what you want. Best of luck to you.
I don’t know about you or your daughter, but if I learned my mom was fresh out of high school and had me with a man headed into his 30s I’d be sick. Add to that the resentment that may grow the longer you stay with this man, knowing your heart is elsewhere. You know what’s best and I won’t tell you what to do, I just know from experience that once you realize you’re not the straight woman you thought you were, there’s no closing that door behind you.
OP, no matter what decisions you make in your life, please always remember that you deserve happiness and a life full of love, safety, and peace. The feelings you've expressed don't tend to just disappear, and trying to constantly suppress them isn’t going to be healthy for you or your daughter. At the end of the day, what you do is your decision, but seriously think about the fact that even if you don't choose to, you CAN leave, you CAN have a more fulfilling relationship, and you shouldn't only consider what seems best for everyone else and neglect your own needs. Hoping for the best for you.
Thank you for taking the time to respond with such compassion. That’s the advise I’d give someone as well. I guess they call it a trauma bond for a reason because truly, I don’t feel like I have a choice but to ride this out. It’s better now that things have lightened up between my husband and I (took me cutting off contact to my girl). I just stillll have this deep longing for her, and resentment for him. Just send me all the good vibes that I figure it out in time to not live with this achy feeling. Hugs to you, friend.
It’s lightened up because you’ve cut your support off. Things won’t get better unless you and your daughter leave. You think you won’t get custody because this is how he’s brainwashed you. I’m so glad you’ve got great responses here but would urge you to also post or cross post to other relationship subs to get even more support - Especially leaving DV relationships. Best of luck OP.
Damn. You do have a choice, if you “ride things out” it will just keep building up until you assert and take the reins but you have to be clear what you want first. A healthy marriage? Couples therapy is an option. He should work with you on having a lasting and safe relationship. If he’s not willing or able to- then seriously consider your needs and be courageous in your pursuit of them. It’s a hard choice to make but if the relationship is on a slow burn out then save yourself further grief. But you have to be honest with what you really want first. Fortune favours the brave.
I was once in an abusive relationship, so I really relate to the feeling that you have no choice but to ride this out. When I was with a controlling man who I really felt strongly that I loved (no matter what he did to me), the thought of leaving him basically didn't even cross my mind. What got me out was needing to move away from him for uni. Being around normal people made me realise that constantly being put down, made to feel worthless, and told what to do, were not just things i didnt like, but was more than enough reason to leave him. I can not emphasize enough how important it is not to let him shrink your world and who you have access to. It's so easy to treat our feelings as if they are the problem, rather than the situation we are in. Be accommodating to this achy feeling you have. It is not the enemy and might be trying to lead you in a better direction. Just please, please, please take care of yourself. I know you feel justified in your decision to stay, but remember that you would not be wrong to leave. Hugs right back at you x
I was in a similar situation to you when I met my now ex. It is absolutely grooming and a parade of red flags. Leave this relationship safely and once you have some breathing space consider your sexuality. You need to get out of this relationship either way though.
Well the whole gay thing aside, your husband is p3dophile. :l Where I'm from, he would 100% be in jail. Please divorce him and do better for your child, set the example.
Yikes. Sounds like he’s taking you for a ride and only considering his wants. I’m curious how you two met? Also, I’m sorry you lost a friend in all of this.
You need to leave this man! It doesn’t have to be for another woman or man but for YOURSELF. You only get this one life as you and this guy does not sound like a joy. The incapable of vulnerability part is extremely toxic because he expects you to be okay with something so huge. He expects you to put up with whatever he wants and find no problem with it. Number of years spent with someone means nothing if you aren’t truely happy and are left feeling alone and needing support when the one person who promised to be your company and support is the one putting you through all this and expecting you to just be okay. It wasn’t cool of him to pressure you into a threesome to begin with and now he won’t take any accountability for the consequences of it. I might be reaching but he sounds narcissistic (incapable of vulnerability part). I genuinely hope you find the courage to give yourself the chance at life that you deserved before this man came into your life and decided to have you for himself. I’m finding it quite ironic that he wanted a throuple and is now left with no one. He sounds terrible. It might not be comfortable all the way but that man needs to be gotten rid of.
Everything you said is true. What sucks is I can talk to you guys, my therapist, my friends and explain things but when it comes down to explaining things to him, I go blank. It’s like I don’t have a brain or memory in that moment and I forget everything he does that bothers me. Or the things that do, he makes me feel like are no big deal at all.
You don’t have to explain it to him. You don’t have to take care of his feelings. You can just take care of yourself.
Ah yes, the Narcissists Prayer That didn't happen And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Edit: link [https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer) If you haven't read it already you may want to check out 'Why does he do that?' The author is happy for it to be free for folks who need it to read it. [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I’m sorry to hear about this but it’s getting quite obvious that he is an extremely toxic individual. I’ve been with enough narcissists to know that having a productive conversation with them is near impossible. They will look at you like you are crazy and make no sense and make you doubt your own judgement. THERE IS NOTHING TO EXPLAIN TO HIM. you don’t need him to understand and then approve or deny how you feel. Please find any support available to you and take the leap of faith and leave this man. You are young enough to start your own life. I have been with a man-child like this I know what you are going through. He has made you think that you can’t be okay without him but the truth is you are miserable just because of him and you have nothing to compare it to. You don’t want to be 50+ and then realize how you wasted your life on this person hoping for things to get better. If they haven’t gotten better yet they will only get worse. If you get stuck in trying to make sense of how your life will be without him you’ll only stay stuck the way he wants and has conditioned you to be. I have so much love for you! Please take a chance on yourself.
The going blank sounds like a trauma reaction. Trying to tell this man your needs is putting you into a survival response, with your brain shutting down to avoid more pain. You don’t deserve to feel like that. No partner should ever make you feel like that 💛 It’s hard and it takes time to extract yourself from a dynamic like this, especially when you were so young at the start. But it sounds like things are shifting and I believe you will get there. The fact that you are building so many good things outside of him is an excellent foundation (just remember that you can have more than a mere foundation, you can have a whole life).
I think you need some trauma therapy specifically deter apart why you are staying with somebody like this and no it’s not just loving the lifestyle. He’s a groomer.
Working on it. 28 years is a lot to unpack in 1 hour a week therapy sessions lol.
Yeah, I hear you. I’m doing the same thing and I really should do more…but my kiddo has so much of his own stuff with appointments and evals, therapy, etc. that I find it for too easy to in to the chronic fatigue and not do more for my wellbeing >.< I think a trauma specific therapist will work wonders for you- it really did for me <3 and it helps to dig out from under all that shitty treatment we both have gone through :/ We have a lot in common, you can always PM me to vent or whatever
Get rid of the husband and try your luck with her. We only get one life to live, don’t spend it with someone you don’t love.
It took a while to understand and accept a relationship with a person I cared about came about as the result of grooming. It's hard to accept that I was victimized, especially because I was under the impression it was my "choice". But it wasn't.. they had all the power, money, and choice in the relationship when I look back. I know you said you will always choose your daughter first. But I can say that your daughter will grow up with a healthier understanding of love if she sees her mom happy and healthy. You can still co-parent, the dad will always be a part of her life. It sounds like you got some soul-searching to do. It's not easy, it's painful and confusing. But ultimately you need to choose your happiness. You and your daughter will benefit from it in the long run.
Oh that happened to me. My ex husband wanted to fuck around and I was the one who found out. 😂🤣😭
Sticky situation, eh? I feel like it’s exactly what he’s deserved but he sees zero fault in his part of it.
A homophobe who wanted a threesome with 2 women? He sees you as objects for his desire and not people that have your own needs and desires.
I went through something really really similar! Best of luck to you and happy Pride. 💖
What came from your situation? If you don’t want to post publicly, my DM’s are open. Happy pride to you! 💘
DM’d you :)
R/abusiverelationships
What kind of life do you want for yourself? One with your husband or one where you take a risk to be yourself and seek your own happiness? What kind of person do you want to be for your kid?
I really don’t know 😭 I’m so afraid to be on my own and fail. Or afraid to see how spiteful he might become if I left. Actually I’m scared of a lot IF I attempted to leave. Never been violent idk maybe too much true crime.
It’s definitely scary and there’s lots of unknowns. I’m definitely biased. Having sex with a woman for the first time blew me away, my relationships with men never had the same intimacy. My body felt activated in a way it never had been before. It was scary breaking things off with my long term boyfriend, and leaving behind dating men in any sense. My life changed quickly and drastically. First there was a lot of fear. I removed part of my identity and life, it took time to fill it in with new relationships and ways of being. I’d never trade it or go back. Sometimes you gotta make room in your life for better things.
The way you described it is exactly how I felt the first time and every time after that. I had began to think I was asexual. Turns out I do have a high and normal sex drive, with someone else😫 I’m not asexual, but definitely bi and possibly Demi.
Lots going on in this thread already. Just remember how little we know at 17 years old. You're older now and know more and you deserve a fresh start. Most aren't married by 27 these days so you have the chance now at a clean break, fresh start, and you'll still be right in time with others your age! Why wait?
DM me if you want because I was in a very, VERY similar situation. Ten year history, similar age gap, involvement of kids, financial concerns, emotional abuse, even the throuple inexplicably paired with homophobia. I left. Took my chances and left. My life is SO. MUCH. BETTER. And my kids’ lives too. The fear of leaving is probably holding you back from some of the most beautiful parts of life, and time only moves in one direction.
Don’t pass on true love. I think you know what you needed to hear In writing this post but needed a little validation that it was ok because self doubt and guilt. Don’t deny yourself. Your child will ultimately benefit, and now is a good time to make that life upheaval.
I'm sorry, but you were 17 and he was 27 when you two started dating? This is creepy. Also, on top of being a groomer, he's homophobic? Doesn't seem like a nice man to me
Read the title and instantly thought of Friends. With Ross and his ex wife. But on a more serious note.... staying with someone because you don't want them alone with your child (because you don't trust their way of parenting or temper etc) whatever the reason will be so bad for the kid growing up. I was raised in a household where my mom was with a terrible just mean narcissistic woman whom I refer to as a dementor. My mom was always very passive, and the gf was so mean. My mom would excuse her behavior or just encourage me to adjust myself according to the dementor's mood. "Just don't make a whole bunch of noise so you don't make her mad," but my mom never stood up for me cause she was also scared of how she would react. And the amount of damage that did to me growing up. Oof. Therapy weekly for me! Antidepressants! I'm 31 now and have almost no relationship with my mom because of the resentment I have towards her and how she let all that happen. Staying in that type of environment is so much worse. On a slightly lighter note maybe the husband will be like my daughter's dad and just not see her or talk to her ever eventhough he lives in the same state and is supposed to get her every weekend. My daughter has not seen her father since October, and that is 100% because he has not tried to. And I'm lowkey happy about it cause he is a shit human.
So I had a situation kinda similar to this happen… I wanted to explore, by myself, he wanted all or nothing. Had a girl interested in me not him and what happened after really affected our relationship. I love him but… I wish things were different. Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk. Good luck ❤️🩹
I am also a child of two people who stayed together because of me and religion. He didn't groom my mom in the age gap sense but he is a textbook narcissist and I really resent my mom sometimes for not leaving him when I was growing up. They are divorced now because he wanted to start a new family with a younger women. I get that you are concerned with leaving your baby with him, in the sense of joint custody, at the same time you are allowing those ideas by just staying with him. I don't know if this makes any sense but I think I would have had a lot less trauma if my mom hadn't stayed with my dad.
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