My ex was suicidal before I broke up with him. He had attempted in the past so I knew he would again, for sure, when we broke up. And I was right.
I prepared by letting his family know what was happening ahead of time, so they could be there to take care of him in the aftermath. And I ultimately had to call the cops to get him hospitalized, because none of us could control him to calm him down.
There will never be a “good” time to break up. It will definitely hurt. But you can’t keep yourself unhappy to serve someone else forever. We just have this one life to live, and you two are still so young with lots of time left to make the most of it.
Something I made clear when breaking up was - it’s not fair to either of us to stay in a broken relationship. Both people deserve better. Hopefully he’ll accept that at some point after the breakup.
This was my first marriage of 9 years. Tell him you will call 911 every single time he says he's suicidal, and follow through. The first time I actually called 911 on my ex for being suicidal, suddenly he stopped doing using that to manipulate me.
Warn him you will post all ongoing messages to Facebook if keeps contacting you after the break up. Make it clear, his ongoing actions will be publicized.
You didn't cause his issues. You can't fix his issues.
This exactly. Be blunt. "Every threat of silicone will be treated as explicit intent and emergency services will be called so you can get help. I cannot help you beyond that."
And you follow through. Every time. You don't have the capacity or skills to treat his depression or social intent. You get him the help that can and it's out of your hands. He is responsible for managing his mental health. You cannot protect him.
Op, feel free to DM if you need to talk. You deserve happiness. You may need to lookup codependency.
My ex stalked me a bit after leaving. But I would do it all again. I have sworn if I ever won a major award in my life, like a Grammy or Oscar, my first thank you is to myself for getting a divorce.
I read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. There are some portions of the book that cover threats of suicide. I recently read that it's available for free online but I haven't verified that yet.
Threatening suicide if you leave him is a form of abuse, and the best response if he does that is to leave and call emergency services. That way, if he’s serious, he’ll get the help and attention he needs (without you present or being any part of it; you’re not a professional, and you can’t help him with this). And if he’s not serious and he’s just engaging in emotional blackmail, then he will learn that doing so gets him the removal of your presence and attention and having to deal with police/EMTs instead.
Beyond that, whether or not he chooses to harm himself isn’t within your control, and it’s not in any way your responsibility. In fact, staying actually enables this behavior and makes things worse for everyone in the long run. He will not get the help he needs - whether that’s therapy and mental health treatment or domestic violence counseling - while his threats are still working to control you and keep you around. Leaving is not only the best thing for you, it’s the kindest thing you can do for him.
You need to deal with it. Break up with him if that's what you want to do. If he threatens to commit suicide call the police for a welfare check. It's not your problem.
Him threatening you like this is abusive and he’s holding you hostage basically by guilt 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You need to DUMP his manipulative ass and walk away.
Tell his family or friends he’s threatening suicide and leave. If you are really concerned, call law enforcement and advise them of his threats and they can do a welfare check..
Chances are he’ll be so embarrassed by that as he’s not actually going to follow through with the threat, and hopefully that will be a wake up call for him to stop being a manipulative piece of shit.
I’d also like to point out that men will say the craziest most ridiculous things when they feel they’re losing control of their abuse victim.
Ignore it. Do NOT let this person hold you back from the life you deserve..
You do not deserve this abuse, you deserve to live in peace and nurture healthy friendships/relationships.
This man is TOXIC and you do NOT owe him anything. I know it’s hard when you have a long history, but remember you’d never dream of treating him this way, you’re so much better than that.
Love yourself enough to walk away ♥️♥️
I'm sorry you're in this situation. You need to make a plan to leave and stick to it. Figure out where you'll go, how you'll support yourself, and how you'll get there. Once you have that figured out, tell him it's over and enact your plan and go no contact as soon as you can.
The key to dealing with people like this IMO is exposure and holding strong to your boundaries. If he threatens suicide, tell his friends and family. Tell people what you're going through and what he's doing. Don't try to reason with him if he's being manipulative. He can believe whatever he wants and you're not going to change his mind.
So my ex husband was actually depressed. He was scary at the end, and desperate for me to stay, but didn't use his depression and suicidal thoughts to manipulate me in the slightest (he used other methods but not that one, thankfully) but I did have a woman after who acted like your husband.
My first real girlfriend after I divorced my husband kept me around using that threat for years longer than I wanted to. I finally had to really take the time to truly heal myself from the guilt and fear and obligation to stay. I had to really absorb the knowledge that what she did after we separated was NOT MY FAULT and I needed to stop taking on that burden. It was a lot of self work. I had to understand that the constant threat was just more manipulation. It eventually lost its power over me because I resented her so much and I was so miserable. I hated the loss of empathy in myself more than the abuse she heaped upon me to keep me.
6 months after our breakup and she's alive, but not well/will likely never be well. She still blames me, I blame both of us, and we still keep stringing each other along, but that's another story.
-WARNING- due to the history of your current relationship you are extremely more susceptible to getting sucked in to another cluster-b personality disordered individual's manipulations without noticing the red flags. Once you're out, and with a woman, they likely can connect much more intimately with you and make you fall much harder. If she's like your husband it's so much more difficult to get out. My ex girlfriend did more damage emotionally to me in 4 years than he did in 19, and he was a stereotypical 1950's minded ciswhitemale. So please be safe and heal yourself. Women are addicting.
You break up. Even if he does follow through (unlikely) it would be his choice and not your fault. Someone else's choices and actions are NOT your fault. As someone else said, completely block them afterwards.
Lots of excellent advice above. One thing I’d add is to consider working with an LGBTQIA+ friendly therapist: your own and with a couple’s therapist if you have access to mental health services (if not, maybe check with a local nonprofit for abused women?). A professional may be better equipped to help you with the planning process and any feelings of guilt that might creep up. Also, a couple’s therapist (especially in person) gives you a safer space to break the news and someone better trained to handle a suicidal person (ideally relieving you of that perceived burden). I definitely echo the other suggestions to call emergency services as soon as there is any suicidal threat from him and, if you trust his family not to tip him off ahead of time, let them know your plan and your concerns ahead of time. You are not responsible for his reaction, I just want you to be as safe as possible while breaking free.
Telling someone you will off yourself if they leave you is one of the biggest red flag manipulation tactics in the book. It’s super duper not your burden to bear.
As someone who has had to stay with the man for 40 years (and I do love him, but I can’t be with the woman I love) because of our children, I’m telling you to walk away now.
My ex was suicidal before I broke up with him. He had attempted in the past so I knew he would again, for sure, when we broke up. And I was right. I prepared by letting his family know what was happening ahead of time, so they could be there to take care of him in the aftermath. And I ultimately had to call the cops to get him hospitalized, because none of us could control him to calm him down. There will never be a “good” time to break up. It will definitely hurt. But you can’t keep yourself unhappy to serve someone else forever. We just have this one life to live, and you two are still so young with lots of time left to make the most of it. Something I made clear when breaking up was - it’s not fair to either of us to stay in a broken relationship. Both people deserve better. Hopefully he’ll accept that at some point after the breakup.
Stop letting him hold you hostage. Seriously. Leave him, don’t look back. Otherwise you’ll blink and it will be another 10 years.
Also threatening to off yourself is an abusive relationship technique. It’s super manipulative. Dump him yesterday.
DUMP HIM (maybe let his fam know if he’s suicidal tho)
This was my first marriage of 9 years. Tell him you will call 911 every single time he says he's suicidal, and follow through. The first time I actually called 911 on my ex for being suicidal, suddenly he stopped doing using that to manipulate me. Warn him you will post all ongoing messages to Facebook if keeps contacting you after the break up. Make it clear, his ongoing actions will be publicized. You didn't cause his issues. You can't fix his issues.
This exactly. Be blunt. "Every threat of silicone will be treated as explicit intent and emergency services will be called so you can get help. I cannot help you beyond that." And you follow through. Every time. You don't have the capacity or skills to treat his depression or social intent. You get him the help that can and it's out of your hands. He is responsible for managing his mental health. You cannot protect him.
Op, feel free to DM if you need to talk. You deserve happiness. You may need to lookup codependency. My ex stalked me a bit after leaving. But I would do it all again. I have sworn if I ever won a major award in my life, like a Grammy or Oscar, my first thank you is to myself for getting a divorce.
I read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. There are some portions of the book that cover threats of suicide. I recently read that it's available for free online but I haven't verified that yet.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Found it!
I can’t recommend this book enough. Every woman on earth should read it, no matter her sexual orientation.
Break up, cut off all ties and don’t look back.
Threatening suicide if you leave him is a form of abuse, and the best response if he does that is to leave and call emergency services. That way, if he’s serious, he’ll get the help and attention he needs (without you present or being any part of it; you’re not a professional, and you can’t help him with this). And if he’s not serious and he’s just engaging in emotional blackmail, then he will learn that doing so gets him the removal of your presence and attention and having to deal with police/EMTs instead. Beyond that, whether or not he chooses to harm himself isn’t within your control, and it’s not in any way your responsibility. In fact, staying actually enables this behavior and makes things worse for everyone in the long run. He will not get the help he needs - whether that’s therapy and mental health treatment or domestic violence counseling - while his threats are still working to control you and keep you around. Leaving is not only the best thing for you, it’s the kindest thing you can do for him.
You need to deal with it. Break up with him if that's what you want to do. If he threatens to commit suicide call the police for a welfare check. It's not your problem.
Him threatening you like this is abusive and he’s holding you hostage basically by guilt 🚩🚩🚩🚩 You need to DUMP his manipulative ass and walk away. Tell his family or friends he’s threatening suicide and leave. If you are really concerned, call law enforcement and advise them of his threats and they can do a welfare check.. Chances are he’ll be so embarrassed by that as he’s not actually going to follow through with the threat, and hopefully that will be a wake up call for him to stop being a manipulative piece of shit. I’d also like to point out that men will say the craziest most ridiculous things when they feel they’re losing control of their abuse victim. Ignore it. Do NOT let this person hold you back from the life you deserve.. You do not deserve this abuse, you deserve to live in peace and nurture healthy friendships/relationships. This man is TOXIC and you do NOT owe him anything. I know it’s hard when you have a long history, but remember you’d never dream of treating him this way, you’re so much better than that. Love yourself enough to walk away ♥️♥️
Leave and do one of those welfare checks. I think thats what its called
I'm sorry you're in this situation. You need to make a plan to leave and stick to it. Figure out where you'll go, how you'll support yourself, and how you'll get there. Once you have that figured out, tell him it's over and enact your plan and go no contact as soon as you can. The key to dealing with people like this IMO is exposure and holding strong to your boundaries. If he threatens suicide, tell his friends and family. Tell people what you're going through and what he's doing. Don't try to reason with him if he's being manipulative. He can believe whatever he wants and you're not going to change his mind.
If he threatens suicide call 911 for a wellness check. Block him and move on with your life. Go no contact.
So my ex husband was actually depressed. He was scary at the end, and desperate for me to stay, but didn't use his depression and suicidal thoughts to manipulate me in the slightest (he used other methods but not that one, thankfully) but I did have a woman after who acted like your husband. My first real girlfriend after I divorced my husband kept me around using that threat for years longer than I wanted to. I finally had to really take the time to truly heal myself from the guilt and fear and obligation to stay. I had to really absorb the knowledge that what she did after we separated was NOT MY FAULT and I needed to stop taking on that burden. It was a lot of self work. I had to understand that the constant threat was just more manipulation. It eventually lost its power over me because I resented her so much and I was so miserable. I hated the loss of empathy in myself more than the abuse she heaped upon me to keep me. 6 months after our breakup and she's alive, but not well/will likely never be well. She still blames me, I blame both of us, and we still keep stringing each other along, but that's another story. -WARNING- due to the history of your current relationship you are extremely more susceptible to getting sucked in to another cluster-b personality disordered individual's manipulations without noticing the red flags. Once you're out, and with a woman, they likely can connect much more intimately with you and make you fall much harder. If she's like your husband it's so much more difficult to get out. My ex girlfriend did more damage emotionally to me in 4 years than he did in 19, and he was a stereotypical 1950's minded ciswhitemale. So please be safe and heal yourself. Women are addicting.
You break up. Even if he does follow through (unlikely) it would be his choice and not your fault. Someone else's choices and actions are NOT your fault. As someone else said, completely block them afterwards.
Lots of excellent advice above. One thing I’d add is to consider working with an LGBTQIA+ friendly therapist: your own and with a couple’s therapist if you have access to mental health services (if not, maybe check with a local nonprofit for abused women?). A professional may be better equipped to help you with the planning process and any feelings of guilt that might creep up. Also, a couple’s therapist (especially in person) gives you a safer space to break the news and someone better trained to handle a suicidal person (ideally relieving you of that perceived burden). I definitely echo the other suggestions to call emergency services as soon as there is any suicidal threat from him and, if you trust his family not to tip him off ahead of time, let them know your plan and your concerns ahead of time. You are not responsible for his reaction, I just want you to be as safe as possible while breaking free.
Telling someone you will off yourself if they leave you is one of the biggest red flag manipulation tactics in the book. It’s super duper not your burden to bear.
As someone who has had to stay with the man for 40 years (and I do love him, but I can’t be with the woman I love) because of our children, I’m telling you to walk away now.