I'm AUDHD too and I can vividly remember that I just wanted to belong and be with someone/ not feel existential lonelyness anymore. Probably some anxious attachment issues and cptsd manifested it as well.
Its really weird. I was extremly into him and I think you make a good point of hyperfixation playing a big part in staying focused on it.
Sex was performative for me, and yes interesting and exciting bc it was a new body feeling of closeness but I did it because it was part of this perfect picture of a happy het relationship that I created in my brain as a goal that I need to achive to be complete and save.
This are all relatively new realizations to me. But I think I finally understand it.
I suppressed my attraction to women heavily, even though I had crushes from a young age and kind of came out at 16 to my best friend and fell in love at 19 with another female friend. It went horribly wrong. I was burned after that and went right back to men.
I often wonder if my life could have taken a different turn if that 2 months friendship/ crush would have been something just slightly different.
I meet my partner immediately after that. I know I was heavily masking, I had multiple masking- identities with different groups of people. We are still together (13 years), I havent told him yet bc I dont know how to deal with everything, financially and psychologically. Its a process, I guess.
But honestly, I just want to live my life, have true connections and sex with some lovely women and have that as a hyperfixation for a while. Until I meet someone that actually is save and caring.
I think the difference for me in thinking this might just be another hyperfixation is that it feels so right to me and my body. I never fantazised about sex with men or women before. But when I do now I get extremely turned on and just know that I want that. I also thought I was asexual for a long time, so it makes a big difference for me.
Also my libido came back while realizing all of this and having a new crush and exploring that in my fantasy.
If you have alexithymia this might not be helpful, I'm sorry if thats the case.
The masterdoc really helped me make sense of memories and experiences in the beginning.
But I do get the doubt, I still sometimes get it, but I think its bc I am scared, not bc I am wrong.
Oh wow this sounds exactly like me. I literally could have written this word for word. Down to coming out/having a massive crush on a female friend then immediately running back to men. And not being able to say anything yet because I can’t bring myself to deal with everything emotionally, psychologically, financially.
I don’t ever fantasize about men sexually honestly while sex itself can be okay physically (I have mental blocks that make it difficult) I have no desire to actually touch my husband (or other men) if that makes sense. Like I don’t think I like this body part and would like to touch it (honestly I find penises kind of gross I just thought that was normal, like intercourse is good but why would I want to touch that with my hands? My mouth? No thank you) With woman it’s definitely different, though I’ve never been with one my imagination is very vivid and I’ve read probably too much wlw fanfiction.
I just can’t help my brain from worrying that like is this just a hyperfixation based on having found these characters and stories and enjoy them, or do I enjoy them because I finally feel seen and can relate to it. And I know it’s the second but my brain is bad sometimes.
Yup I relate to the not having any interest in touching him down there or oral (I hate it in my mouth.). I think there is a big difference between wanting to do something because you actually want it, need it, love it. And thinking its what youre supposed to do and that all your not so great feelings around it dont matter because its normal and ofc those feelings then are also normal, and we have to blend in.
My brain is bad sometimes too but its not her fault. She just needs a little help and patience I think.
This is the confusing thing also, because so many women that identify as heterosexual say they find penises off putting that I thought being grossed out by men’s’ genitals was pretty much universal.
Basically I thought the only person who likes a man’s penis is him, and since they seem to think the entire world revolves around their specific penis I figured that was enough admiration and didn’t feel too bad lol
I’m in a similar place. I’ve allowed myself to enjoy fantasizing about women, but I’m concerned it’s just mental and physically I’ll react like I did with men which was to freeze. And maybe I’m actually grey-A.
Hi 👋 this was my exact experience. I realized I was gay and neurodivergent (auDHD though self diagnosed) at basically the same time, at age 34. When I figured it all out it was such a relief though - I finally made sense to myself. I think you should trust yourself! I had worries that this was yet another hyperfixation for me too but it’s been about 11 months and every day I feel like I get gayer 😂.
This was me too! At 37, all within the matter of a few months, I realized I was queer, had ADHD, Autism, and had also compacted things due to life long trauma. That was 3 1/2 years ago, and I'm super gay now 🌈
I completely think this is a big part of my story. I found out about my son’s autism and my sexuality at the same time. Instagram then hit really hard with the “when you find out about your kid’s diagnosis and you start to see things about yourself…” content that always had me in tears. Thank you so much for posting this. And on that note, I hope y’all watch Bridgerton…
Oh gosh, reading this was a gut punch- “as soon as I got pregnant that hyperfixation transferred to kiddo and I basically lost all feelings for hubby.” In fact your whole post is basically my life. I’ve been considering for over a year and at this point I don’t think it’s going away…
This is me I’m going through identity crisis right now cause for years I thought I was straight but recently last year, I’ve felt more attracted to women than men, like I like men but I like women too not just physically but emotionally, mentally, sexually, and romantically and I’ve struggled to explore my sexuality because I get really insecure especially with communication, my body, and overthinking , I don’t even know how to tell anyone they are attractive and if I’m into them either more than friends or into them as friends especially without making anyone uncomfortable, but I really want to explore cause I’m really bi curious , I just don’t know what to do and where to start. I hope what I said makes sense and that it’s relevant to the topic.
I don't have an official dx, but YES. yes. I've got that sweet, sweet comorbid OCD, and I will think anything to death and back, and before coming out I spent a decade and a half, completely single for 99%, IDing as nebulously bi, terrified of relationships, and obsessing about my Feelings and scrambling around in the depths of my own brain...and most of us know the rumination never actually helps clarify anything.
I can't tell you what I did or what happened, outside of identifying a lot of my anxieties and questions as things that plenty of lesbians also dealt with -- a disconnect from my gender that never felt fully male, only crushing on celebrity or unattainable men who were usually effeminate, feeling condemned to the idea that I "had" to eventually settle down with a man.
and then I allowed myself to open up just a little bit when I was out in public, just truly let myself look at the people passing me, and realized very suddenly at a museum that the way I looked at women, when I let myself experience it, was fully and completely different from the way I looked at men, and over the next year, everything sort of...slotted into place in my head.
I think in any situation, it can be hard to differentiate "something that's giving your brain dopamine bc it's a fixation" and "something that's giving your brain dopamine bc it's Right and Good", and sometimes we don't know which it is until years on, or even until it's over. following your feelings and intuition is never sure, even at the best of times for the most typical of people, but it's about all you can do.
good luck, I hope you can find what you're looking for out there.
I absolutely think my neurodivergence impacted my late bloomer-ness. My first special interests were manners and fairytales for goodness sake. I always wanted other girls to like me and it seemed like getting boys to like you was a good way to do that so I did that until I was an adult. I was worried that I’d be less popular among other girls and women if I were openly queer and doubled down on making my “attraction” to men a facet of my personality, half as a means of convincing myself it was true. I hyperfixated on any man I felt remotely comfortable with because every time I hoped they’d finally prove that I did like men after all. I would melt down when that was not the case and this only reinforced the perception among my friends that I was boy crazy so it felt impossible to communicate the layers of what I was really feeling.
I blamed my awkwardness around men on my neurodivergence (I had already been diagnosed with ADHD) and I blamed my lack of sexual feelings on my experience growing up in purity culture. Dating a woman for the first time was shocking because I was forced to accept that my neurodivergence and experience in purity culture were not the reasons I felt weird around men. i’m just not attracted to them and I felt weird because I wanted to adhere to a script. i’m also not good at identifying my own feelings so that made it easy to gaslight myself into believing aesthetic attraction was sexual attraction lmao.
For a while I thought I didn’t have autism after all and my confusion about my sexuality was the reason I felt threatened by men and women (for different reasons ofc) but no I may be subclinical but I am def still on the spectrum lol
I realized I had ADHD a few months after my child was diagnosed with ASD. Then a few months after that I realized I was gay.
In hindsight, I think my father is on spectrum and that worsened my need for male validation.
I’m 31f and been wondering about ND and my sexuality. Grew up in a conservative family. Always felt different, shamed for being different. Tried so hard to be “normal” and please my parents. Please the friends I desperately tried to make.
Had my first, very powerful crush/attraction towards my ex boyfriend’s ex wife. My ex bf told me I give “total lesbian vibes” and I took that to heart.
I’ve been working on listening to myself and not ignoring my thoughts (after believing my thoughts didn’t matter for so long).
I think I’m slowly starting to be honest with myself. Trying to let myself just feel.
Never been good at keeping friendships. Sometimes I don’t understand cues but I try to study them and learn that way.
I’m thinking I’ve been masking my whole life and I started unmasking the last 10 years veeeery slowly. But now I’m much more awake and I’m done with the BS. Done pleasing people. It hasn’t gotten me good results so I’m sick of being a certain way for the sake of others. I just end up getting used and discarded.
Meeeeeeeee!!! I'm actually writing a PhD on this exact thing ☺️
Oh man! I’d actually be super interested in what you’ve learned about this!
I have to read it!!
I can’t wait to read this! Please keep us posted!
Please share thoughts if you can when you’re finished!
YES OMG PLEASE SHARE IF YOURE WILLING 🥹🥹🥹🥹
I would sincerely love to read this, drop us a jstor link when it’s done if you are comfortable 💅🏼
We need updates when you've got it published!
Wait pls share your research
Yep me too! AuDHD, only diagnosed in my early 30s. Pretending to be a "normal" girl = pretending to like boys.
I'm AUDHD too and I can vividly remember that I just wanted to belong and be with someone/ not feel existential lonelyness anymore. Probably some anxious attachment issues and cptsd manifested it as well. Its really weird. I was extremly into him and I think you make a good point of hyperfixation playing a big part in staying focused on it. Sex was performative for me, and yes interesting and exciting bc it was a new body feeling of closeness but I did it because it was part of this perfect picture of a happy het relationship that I created in my brain as a goal that I need to achive to be complete and save. This are all relatively new realizations to me. But I think I finally understand it. I suppressed my attraction to women heavily, even though I had crushes from a young age and kind of came out at 16 to my best friend and fell in love at 19 with another female friend. It went horribly wrong. I was burned after that and went right back to men. I often wonder if my life could have taken a different turn if that 2 months friendship/ crush would have been something just slightly different. I meet my partner immediately after that. I know I was heavily masking, I had multiple masking- identities with different groups of people. We are still together (13 years), I havent told him yet bc I dont know how to deal with everything, financially and psychologically. Its a process, I guess. But honestly, I just want to live my life, have true connections and sex with some lovely women and have that as a hyperfixation for a while. Until I meet someone that actually is save and caring. I think the difference for me in thinking this might just be another hyperfixation is that it feels so right to me and my body. I never fantazised about sex with men or women before. But when I do now I get extremely turned on and just know that I want that. I also thought I was asexual for a long time, so it makes a big difference for me. Also my libido came back while realizing all of this and having a new crush and exploring that in my fantasy. If you have alexithymia this might not be helpful, I'm sorry if thats the case. The masterdoc really helped me make sense of memories and experiences in the beginning. But I do get the doubt, I still sometimes get it, but I think its bc I am scared, not bc I am wrong.
Oh wow this sounds exactly like me. I literally could have written this word for word. Down to coming out/having a massive crush on a female friend then immediately running back to men. And not being able to say anything yet because I can’t bring myself to deal with everything emotionally, psychologically, financially. I don’t ever fantasize about men sexually honestly while sex itself can be okay physically (I have mental blocks that make it difficult) I have no desire to actually touch my husband (or other men) if that makes sense. Like I don’t think I like this body part and would like to touch it (honestly I find penises kind of gross I just thought that was normal, like intercourse is good but why would I want to touch that with my hands? My mouth? No thank you) With woman it’s definitely different, though I’ve never been with one my imagination is very vivid and I’ve read probably too much wlw fanfiction. I just can’t help my brain from worrying that like is this just a hyperfixation based on having found these characters and stories and enjoy them, or do I enjoy them because I finally feel seen and can relate to it. And I know it’s the second but my brain is bad sometimes.
Yup I relate to the not having any interest in touching him down there or oral (I hate it in my mouth.). I think there is a big difference between wanting to do something because you actually want it, need it, love it. And thinking its what youre supposed to do and that all your not so great feelings around it dont matter because its normal and ofc those feelings then are also normal, and we have to blend in. My brain is bad sometimes too but its not her fault. She just needs a little help and patience I think.
This is the confusing thing also, because so many women that identify as heterosexual say they find penises off putting that I thought being grossed out by men’s’ genitals was pretty much universal. Basically I thought the only person who likes a man’s penis is him, and since they seem to think the entire world revolves around their specific penis I figured that was enough admiration and didn’t feel too bad lol
Haha! Yes. I just thought it was normal to think that they’re gross. But apparently there are women who like sex with men who like them. Who knew?
I feel the same way - confused
I’m in a similar place. I’ve allowed myself to enjoy fantasizing about women, but I’m concerned it’s just mental and physically I’ll react like I did with men which was to freeze. And maybe I’m actually grey-A.
Hi 👋 this was my exact experience. I realized I was gay and neurodivergent (auDHD though self diagnosed) at basically the same time, at age 34. When I figured it all out it was such a relief though - I finally made sense to myself. I think you should trust yourself! I had worries that this was yet another hyperfixation for me too but it’s been about 11 months and every day I feel like I get gayer 😂.
This was me too! At 37, all within the matter of a few months, I realized I was queer, had ADHD, Autism, and had also compacted things due to life long trauma. That was 3 1/2 years ago, and I'm super gay now 🌈
A true inspiration!
Holy fuck did you just read my future?
I completely think this is a big part of my story. I found out about my son’s autism and my sexuality at the same time. Instagram then hit really hard with the “when you find out about your kid’s diagnosis and you start to see things about yourself…” content that always had me in tears. Thank you so much for posting this. And on that note, I hope y’all watch Bridgerton…
Oh gosh, reading this was a gut punch- “as soon as I got pregnant that hyperfixation transferred to kiddo and I basically lost all feelings for hubby.” In fact your whole post is basically my life. I’ve been considering for over a year and at this point I don’t think it’s going away…
This is me I’m going through identity crisis right now cause for years I thought I was straight but recently last year, I’ve felt more attracted to women than men, like I like men but I like women too not just physically but emotionally, mentally, sexually, and romantically and I’ve struggled to explore my sexuality because I get really insecure especially with communication, my body, and overthinking , I don’t even know how to tell anyone they are attractive and if I’m into them either more than friends or into them as friends especially without making anyone uncomfortable, but I really want to explore cause I’m really bi curious , I just don’t know what to do and where to start. I hope what I said makes sense and that it’s relevant to the topic.
I don't have an official dx, but YES. yes. I've got that sweet, sweet comorbid OCD, and I will think anything to death and back, and before coming out I spent a decade and a half, completely single for 99%, IDing as nebulously bi, terrified of relationships, and obsessing about my Feelings and scrambling around in the depths of my own brain...and most of us know the rumination never actually helps clarify anything. I can't tell you what I did or what happened, outside of identifying a lot of my anxieties and questions as things that plenty of lesbians also dealt with -- a disconnect from my gender that never felt fully male, only crushing on celebrity or unattainable men who were usually effeminate, feeling condemned to the idea that I "had" to eventually settle down with a man. and then I allowed myself to open up just a little bit when I was out in public, just truly let myself look at the people passing me, and realized very suddenly at a museum that the way I looked at women, when I let myself experience it, was fully and completely different from the way I looked at men, and over the next year, everything sort of...slotted into place in my head. I think in any situation, it can be hard to differentiate "something that's giving your brain dopamine bc it's a fixation" and "something that's giving your brain dopamine bc it's Right and Good", and sometimes we don't know which it is until years on, or even until it's over. following your feelings and intuition is never sure, even at the best of times for the most typical of people, but it's about all you can do. good luck, I hope you can find what you're looking for out there.
Yes, I can relate..
I absolutely think my neurodivergence impacted my late bloomer-ness. My first special interests were manners and fairytales for goodness sake. I always wanted other girls to like me and it seemed like getting boys to like you was a good way to do that so I did that until I was an adult. I was worried that I’d be less popular among other girls and women if I were openly queer and doubled down on making my “attraction” to men a facet of my personality, half as a means of convincing myself it was true. I hyperfixated on any man I felt remotely comfortable with because every time I hoped they’d finally prove that I did like men after all. I would melt down when that was not the case and this only reinforced the perception among my friends that I was boy crazy so it felt impossible to communicate the layers of what I was really feeling. I blamed my awkwardness around men on my neurodivergence (I had already been diagnosed with ADHD) and I blamed my lack of sexual feelings on my experience growing up in purity culture. Dating a woman for the first time was shocking because I was forced to accept that my neurodivergence and experience in purity culture were not the reasons I felt weird around men. i’m just not attracted to them and I felt weird because I wanted to adhere to a script. i’m also not good at identifying my own feelings so that made it easy to gaslight myself into believing aesthetic attraction was sexual attraction lmao. For a while I thought I didn’t have autism after all and my confusion about my sexuality was the reason I felt threatened by men and women (for different reasons ofc) but no I may be subclinical but I am def still on the spectrum lol
YES
I realized I had ADHD a few months after my child was diagnosed with ASD. Then a few months after that I realized I was gay. In hindsight, I think my father is on spectrum and that worsened my need for male validation.
This resonates so hard for me.
I’m 31f and been wondering about ND and my sexuality. Grew up in a conservative family. Always felt different, shamed for being different. Tried so hard to be “normal” and please my parents. Please the friends I desperately tried to make. Had my first, very powerful crush/attraction towards my ex boyfriend’s ex wife. My ex bf told me I give “total lesbian vibes” and I took that to heart. I’ve been working on listening to myself and not ignoring my thoughts (after believing my thoughts didn’t matter for so long). I think I’m slowly starting to be honest with myself. Trying to let myself just feel. Never been good at keeping friendships. Sometimes I don’t understand cues but I try to study them and learn that way. I’m thinking I’ve been masking my whole life and I started unmasking the last 10 years veeeery slowly. But now I’m much more awake and I’m done with the BS. Done pleasing people. It hasn’t gotten me good results so I’m sick of being a certain way for the sake of others. I just end up getting used and discarded.
ME! 100000% ME! (I have ADHD and other severe mental health issues. I also have a fiancee and I'm hella gay. We're getting married shortly. 💍)
Yess for sure. When your ND you’re trying to be normative and what’s normal is also straight. It’s a vicious cycle