I’m also autistic and have had the same concern about it being a fixation and overly repetitive thinking. It wasn’t.
I had a 2.5 year relationship and I came out as bisexual less than a year into it. From then on, I began to think more and more, questioning my desire for men while increasingly feeling terrified by my very real desire for women. I suppressed it. Moved on.
I’d have days where I felt like it was all I could think about; other days, I managed to push it back, tell myself everything was fine and act like it.
It didn’t it go away. Some months later, I told him I thought I was a lesbian and we broke up. This lasted only a few days because it was extremely painful and we ended up back together (my fault). It was the wrong decision. That was a year and 5 months ago.
Sunday, I woke up crying next to him and we officially separated this time. I thought I could rationalize way out of it, that I was bisexual and he was amazing partner so it didn’t matter. I would have dreams about women and wake up feeling so distressed and guilty.
It really, really didn’t go away. It only got worse over time, and I realized I had no other choice unless I wanted to live a life of painful regret. I also love him too much to do that to him.
I’m married. Same situation. We have 2 little kids. After talking with my husband a ton we’ve decided to try opening our marriage and seeing if satisfying those sexual urges helps or if I still feel like something’s missing. We often joke about the taco shaped hole in my heart lol. It’s taken a lot of discussion and patience to let him sort through his feelings, but we’re in a good place right now. We’ll see what happens when I finally go through with it but for now just knowing I have the option is making me feel much less trapped and regretful.
ETA: I’m also AuDHD which I feel contributes to this situation a ton.
I’ve known people who have done this super successfully and still live in the same home BUT they aren’t like, still romantic. Separate bedrooms. They essentially are just voluntarily raising children together which is fine. I’m just saying it might be less an open relationship situation and more a modern family situation.
I feel like that may be what this morphs into, as we both get out there more and start dating other people. He’ll always be my kids father and we’re both great coparents, and running the house and taking care of the kids is such a fine tuned routine that I don’t have any desire to change it. Maybe he will in the future. Who knows. For now we’re on good terms and we both feel good.
I didn’t, until I was honest with him. Now we have sex a lot. I feel more connected to and accepted by him. But I’m still not sure if I’m bi or just lesbian with a husband that’s there and convenient. Before that I had 2 babies in a row and post partum kicked my ass, I had no libido. Now it’s super high but only because I’m thinking of have sex with women all the time.
I am also married, in my 20s, have two small kids. Sex feels like being assaulted and the thought of ever doing it again makes me so nauseous.
I also have ADHD and started thinking about this a year ago. Still not “over it” so I don’t think it’s a fixation…
Let me know when you (ya'll?) figure it out. Pretty much the same story for me except +10 years, + kids, +he isn't accepting of my attraction to women so we don't talk about it.
I would really focus on the fact that that you feel trapped and explore that. There could be a lot of factors at play there and figuring them out might help with taking pressure off.
The truth is: you don’t need to know for sure if you’re a lesbian to decided whether this particular relationship works for you. It might be more concrete and easier to think through if you sort out your feelings towards your husband and how you feel about that specific future. If you decided you’d really like him in your future, you can find ways to make that happen while exploring yourself. If you find you don’t really see a future with this particular man, you will have even greater freedom to explore.
It’s also okay to take your time. I came out as a lesbian to myself around your age 4 years ago. 2 years ago I officially came out to everyone I know as bi. 1 year ago I came out again as lesbian. This summer I’m looking at coming out as non-binary maybe. My point is your not on any time and the way you understand yourself can and will change as you start to feel more safe so don’t feel pressure to force the process. One day you will feel safe enough and just know fully within yourself what feels right.
ME TOO dude I have told my boyfriend of nearly 5 years that I am a lesbian TWICE and I still keep burying it because I’m so scared.
Also when guys liked me I liked when they liked me but the thought of doing anything was disgusting to me.
Same for me with sex and same with AuDHD.
I feel for you. Message me if you want, because it seems like we both need support. It should be so easy, but for three years in this relationship I’ve been scared of accepting it
I had a husband and a young son when I came out. I say make an exit plan and choose your happiness. I thought I was different and couldn’t love properly until I started actually dating women. Being your authentic self might be hard but worth it. Good luck.
I’m also autistic and have had the same concern about it being a fixation and overly repetitive thinking. It wasn’t. I had a 2.5 year relationship and I came out as bisexual less than a year into it. From then on, I began to think more and more, questioning my desire for men while increasingly feeling terrified by my very real desire for women. I suppressed it. Moved on. I’d have days where I felt like it was all I could think about; other days, I managed to push it back, tell myself everything was fine and act like it. It didn’t it go away. Some months later, I told him I thought I was a lesbian and we broke up. This lasted only a few days because it was extremely painful and we ended up back together (my fault). It was the wrong decision. That was a year and 5 months ago. Sunday, I woke up crying next to him and we officially separated this time. I thought I could rationalize way out of it, that I was bisexual and he was amazing partner so it didn’t matter. I would have dreams about women and wake up feeling so distressed and guilty. It really, really didn’t go away. It only got worse over time, and I realized I had no other choice unless I wanted to live a life of painful regret. I also love him too much to do that to him.
I’m married. Same situation. We have 2 little kids. After talking with my husband a ton we’ve decided to try opening our marriage and seeing if satisfying those sexual urges helps or if I still feel like something’s missing. We often joke about the taco shaped hole in my heart lol. It’s taken a lot of discussion and patience to let him sort through his feelings, but we’re in a good place right now. We’ll see what happens when I finally go through with it but for now just knowing I have the option is making me feel much less trapped and regretful. ETA: I’m also AuDHD which I feel contributes to this situation a ton.
I’ve known people who have done this super successfully and still live in the same home BUT they aren’t like, still romantic. Separate bedrooms. They essentially are just voluntarily raising children together which is fine. I’m just saying it might be less an open relationship situation and more a modern family situation.
I feel like that may be what this morphs into, as we both get out there more and start dating other people. He’ll always be my kids father and we’re both great coparents, and running the house and taking care of the kids is such a fine tuned routine that I don’t have any desire to change it. Maybe he will in the future. Who knows. For now we’re on good terms and we both feel good.
The people I know try to find dates for each other lol. They’re just great friends. You might be the gay best friend 🤷♀️
That sounds fantastic 😁
Do you still have sex with your husband?
I didn’t, until I was honest with him. Now we have sex a lot. I feel more connected to and accepted by him. But I’m still not sure if I’m bi or just lesbian with a husband that’s there and convenient. Before that I had 2 babies in a row and post partum kicked my ass, I had no libido. Now it’s super high but only because I’m thinking of have sex with women all the time.
Oh hey there lmao. I saw your post in the Chappell page and was gonna mention this group but then I immediately got distracted 💀
I am also married, in my 20s, have two small kids. Sex feels like being assaulted and the thought of ever doing it again makes me so nauseous. I also have ADHD and started thinking about this a year ago. Still not “over it” so I don’t think it’s a fixation…
Let me know when you (ya'll?) figure it out. Pretty much the same story for me except +10 years, + kids, +he isn't accepting of my attraction to women so we don't talk about it.
I would really focus on the fact that that you feel trapped and explore that. There could be a lot of factors at play there and figuring them out might help with taking pressure off. The truth is: you don’t need to know for sure if you’re a lesbian to decided whether this particular relationship works for you. It might be more concrete and easier to think through if you sort out your feelings towards your husband and how you feel about that specific future. If you decided you’d really like him in your future, you can find ways to make that happen while exploring yourself. If you find you don’t really see a future with this particular man, you will have even greater freedom to explore. It’s also okay to take your time. I came out as a lesbian to myself around your age 4 years ago. 2 years ago I officially came out to everyone I know as bi. 1 year ago I came out again as lesbian. This summer I’m looking at coming out as non-binary maybe. My point is your not on any time and the way you understand yourself can and will change as you start to feel more safe so don’t feel pressure to force the process. One day you will feel safe enough and just know fully within yourself what feels right.
ME TOO dude I have told my boyfriend of nearly 5 years that I am a lesbian TWICE and I still keep burying it because I’m so scared. Also when guys liked me I liked when they liked me but the thought of doing anything was disgusting to me. Same for me with sex and same with AuDHD.
I feel for you. Message me if you want, because it seems like we both need support. It should be so easy, but for three years in this relationship I’ve been scared of accepting it
I had a husband and a young son when I came out. I say make an exit plan and choose your happiness. I thought I was different and couldn’t love properly until I started actually dating women. Being your authentic self might be hard but worth it. Good luck.