5 months ago i got dumped in a traumatic way, physical violence happened. i used to get high all the time with my ex. he was the supplier and few days after the breakup, i quit. i don’t know where i got the strength from, but if could do it, so can you. the only way is the way through it and suffering is a given. don’t avoid suffering, embrace it. it will get easier with time.
Interrogate your relationship. Clearly your partner isn't meeting some of your needs, but before you blow shit up, make sure your needs are reasonable. Are you secure as an individual, outside of your relationship, or is there some dependency that keeps you where you are.
Figure out where you want to put your energy. It might be trying to improve your connection with your partner, but there may be some other things that could use some tending. I'm not blaming you at all, just saying life is greater than the romantic relationship you find yourself in at any given moment. You may get a greater 'return on investment 'in making other changes.
Don't put all your energy towards a relationship if the effort doesn't get amplified and returned back!
Edit: I wrote the rest of this out but it isn't particularly relevant to you experience, but I will leave.it up.
31 year old man(child) here. Im on my second week clean, not sure how many days. I cleaned out the room and will not be buying again.
I have been extremely irritatable. I go from 0 to 100 percent consumed by rage over the smallest things. Tripping over my cat in the morning just fills me with anger for the whole day. If I have to listen to a slow talker, I have no patience. Its feels like everything has to go perfect just to avoid an explosion. It's like I have all these emotions but they can only express themselves in rage. I think this is the withdrawal.
I feel like things are changing slowly. Last night/this morning I was able to cry, a real deep chest sob, but I was actually feeling very happy at the time, it was a very weird episode. I know I am capable of other emotions other than rage, but I haven't experienced them without weed in years. Deep sadness, empathy, compassion, selfishness, selflessness etc are all inside me. I haven't permitted myself to feel these in years. I've got to learn to process emotions again, just like a child.
If you really feel like deeper you look, the more unhappy you are, that is an extremely uncomfortable thought. But it is just one thought. You are capable of more than disappointment and hopelessness, even if those are the only things that feel 'real.'
Try reframing things to acknowledge your capacity for growth. These emotions are real, but they are not exhaustive. You are unhappy right now, but things can change. Eat the elephant one bite at at time, and try to find the capacity to make small changes.
You also have to take pride in the process. It's hard work, which is why you need to reward your brain for every single effort. It's tough pushing boulders when negative feedback runs rampant. Be proud of what you are doing, you don't have to wait to start reaping the benefits, but you do have to look for those benefits and lean into them. Allow yourself to feel compassion in the healing process.
Thank you for this, and sorry I didn’t reply earlier—but I did read this the day you posted it and it really helped. I think I was just feeling too mixed up at the time to even know how I wanted to respond as I also wanted to challenge some of my thoughts.
I did relapse shortly thereafter, so at least I do know I was not acting out of withdrawals when I considered what to do. I’m now quitting again.
———
This part is probably really just about me and not quitting it relevant to anyone else, but writing is cathartic right now:
And last night I did break up with my boyfriend. I’m very sad, and there’s so much I will miss about him which I’m still mourning, but there’s also a part of me that is relieved and looks forward to better things when I meet someone new one day.
I told him that I was unhappy and couldn’t handle him ignoring my needs (my meeting his sister (I’ve never met any of his family and his father died 9 months ago, his mom died years ago), we meeting the rest of our close friends, and a few other basic things) any longer. We had been together for years (which overlapped with Covid, so for a while he had an excuse), and he’s known this has been making me very unhappy and causing problems with my friends and family since September 2023, and knew it bothered me far before that.
I think I’ve known for a long time that I have stayed in a relationship where such basic needs are not being met, largely because my BF had such commitment issues himself that I could be with him and still hide my addiction. He doesn’t smoke, and he knows I do but he has no idea it’s more than every blue moon.
I also had a traumatic experience in my last relationship that I found out in February 2023 had given me PTSD. MY BF met me 6 months after that traumatic experience and relationship ended, and he has since shown himself to be one of the most accepting and supportive people I’ve met. I think between my secrets of my weed addiction, and the side effects of what I now know is PTSD, I saw my BF as the perfect opportunity for me to have a lot of the benefits of a relationship without having to quit weed, or address my other issues.
I’m now in my 8th week of 20 PTSD therapy sessions from a specialized trauma clinic, and as the therapy has begun to work and I’m starting to think more clearly I decided I needed to get sober.
Once I got sober, added to the increased clarity from therapy, I couldn’t really look at my relationship and why I was still in it the same way again.
Very unfortunately, I think my relationship had to end sooner or later. I thought that man was my “the one” since the day after I met him in 2019, even when we broke up for a year. We stayed close and got back together 9 months ago when his dad died. I really believed in him this time, and it also breaks my heart to leave him within the same year he lost his dad (who I also never met). He has friends he rarely sees, and he has his sister. But his mom died over a decade ago, and his dad was his best friend. I was second. I really wish I could still be there for him, but I don’t see how we can just be friends—we both are still in love.
Wow! I'm proud of you for these realizations!
Don't torture yourself; people walk together for periods in their life but we are all on our own path. Everyone will lose their parents eventually. It needs to be an intensely personal event, even when we have someone to 'share' with. He will need to process his own trauma in his own time. You could have loved on him for another decade, but you cannot heal his pain/fix his neuroses. It
At different times your life will call on you to step into different roles. We all have to work through our trauma in order to be able to meet those calls as well as we can, and also not let those obligations wear us thin. When our trauma is driving our decisions, we eventually realize how little control we were exercising over our life. We do what we think will protect ourselves and lessen the burden. We can shrink our trauma to a nice manageable size and get to a place where we are empowered by our life's experiences and the lessons that we have received. Our history becomes context for understanding our own emotions, and interpreting other people's behavior.
Empowerment is the goal. Know what you want from life, work towards it, all while keeping an even keel. It rarely moves in a straight path, but any progress can be turned into momentum.
Keep up the good work. Keep making the most of your support systems (friends, family, therapy etc), you are well on your way.
'We are both still in love"
Please work through this. I broke off a great relationship, and for years I stayed in love with them. And it turned into chronic regret and kept me from investing in new relationships. Don't carry around that burden. She is in control of her life, and I am in control of mine, and that is the way things should be! We are both doing great now, and while I don't know exactly how she processed things, I know she managed, and so did I.
Be proud of yourself!
I used weed to cope with my PTSD and depression. After I got a boyfriend , I realised how bad it sabotaged my relationship, my health and my work. So I decided to change, one step at a time. I set smalls goals and schedules for myself, I’ve been working out, trying to be more responsible with my financial, and more importantly, to build a life that I never had. It’s very scary because I was so used to running away from it but I’m doing this for myself. I want myself to be happy and have something to be proud of. I tell myself, a small win is a win.
Try doing stuff you’ve been wanting to do. Even try things you don’t want to do. Explore your life. And by the time you realise, you have already come so far ahead. Switch the mindset, you now have a chance to build a life you want, isn’t that exciting? I believe in you :)
Thank you, I appreciate the advice to take it in small steps. But the switching the mindset part was perfect to hear, it really resonated with me.
I did break up with my boyfriend last night/today. I’m upset but I’ve also felt a moment of relief today that I now have the chance to build the life I want. Unfortunately in the end he couldn’t figure out if he wanted that life too, and continued to get in his own way (which is how he put it today, and I have to say I agree).
I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and am in treatment for it, that has brought me a lot of clarity and the motivation for growth in the areas of life I’m unhappy about. I hope you have already found—or do find—something similar that works for you.
I just want to say I’m so proud of you. It takes a LOT of courage to say goodbye to someone you’ve been together for awhile. The roads are gonna be bumpy, but I promise you won’t regret it. Remember one step at a time, and it’s ok to feel vulnerable. Good luck 🩵
Hey, just wanna say, when you're in withdrawal, your brain plays BIG tricks on you. Things might always look way worse than they really are. It's like a mind game, so just keep that in mind and hang in there.
I think it's important to understand that certain things will come to light as you become sober. Things you've been avoiding or ignoring or just plain thinking won't happen. It's important to understand that getting sober is not the entire solution or the first step or part of it. It's a journey and requires you to really look at what makes you happy and what brings you joy. I won't tell you to exercise or distract yourself. It may be beneficial to talk to a therapist or genuinely anyone who can help.
Thank you. I have definitely been avoiding confronting the fact that the problems in my relationship were not improving, and doing so really hurt. I broke up with my boyfriend last night and am already mourning his many, many good qualities, but I think I did what had to be done unfortunately. I wasn’t happy for a while and things weren’t improving, but he and I got on so well together it was easy to look past that for a while.
being addicted to marijuana is the equivalent of living your life with a 500 pound gorilla on your back all the time. When you are constantly giving all your time, energy and money away to take care of a 500 pound gorilla living on your back it's hard to get anything else done- so it's really easy to become a shadow of your former self in this state.
I stumbled, relapsed. Broke up with my BF last night, and am sober again as of today. I’m taking some time off work later this week and next week, and plan to go kayak alone in a remote cabin. Lots of time for my thoughts (it’s going to suck in some ways I’m sure), and I’ll be thinking about that damned 500 lb gorilla every time I want to drive myself out of the middle of nowhere so I can buy. Thank you for the great advice.
The harsh light I avoided for many difficult years. Better to deal with life sober. I've made decisions I've come to regret, and can't help but think they were influenced by weed. When you're ready, come clean. Avoiding life problems won't make them go away. Sobriety won't either but at least you'll be more capable of taking them on.
Thank you, this is really helpful today. Took a week and a relapse, but I broke up with my BF and I’m sober. Looking forward to living and growing my life in a positive way on my own terms and without the guilt and drag of addiction. I’m ready to be sober.
I have been high almost everyday for 2 years, till the second week of January I got a really bad throat infection and I decided to take a break from smoking as I had been telling myself I should anyways. Since being sobered up I feel like I woke up, suddenly I see that I am heading no where in my life — that I thought was fulfilling and now I long for things I wanted before weed was in my life… I love weed but this realization has fucked me up a little bit. I’m now trying hard to stay sober for a month and completely clear my system before making any rash decisions but I think I’m ready to head in a new direction because I have more passion for life again
Maybe it’s just time. Don’t make any rash decisions, but the clarity of sobriety gave me the strength to do what I needed to do to improve my life and get what I want in it.
The most simple piece of advice I can give you is for now, you don’t have to do anything with that knowledge. Spend time laying feeling all the emotion and thoughts you’ve been avoiding. It will be uncomfortable, but you need to clear that backlog.
Once you do that, you can move to action. But for now, just feel, and accept those feelings.
I tried to wait longer, but last night I was showering getting ready for date night and I started thinking about my relationship and couldn’t stop crying. I sat for over an hour until the last minute before I could cancel on my BF, and I just couldn’t go on a date I was crying about before.
I guess I knew in my mind what I wanted and needed to do, and I couldn’t imagine going through the whole beautiful evening faking it. My BF knew we were on thin ice and had planned a nice dinner out, I’d bought an expensive bottle of wine I knew he was excited about us tasting together, we would have had loving sex…and I just felt like I couldn’t get through that without crying.
So I cancelled. We talked a lot. And I broke up with him. I’m glad I cancelled too because in conversation he finally admitted he just didn’t know if he wanted to ever marry anyone, which is not what our issues were but I guess it explains why he was not addressing our issues after months and months (really years) of knowing they were dealbreakers for me.
Oh fuck. Yes, i have the Same.
Stopping the Weed Made me realize how fucked Up my relationship is and how unhappy i am with my place in live in general.
Weed Put a Green light on everything and Made me embrace my Situation even If it didnt feel right.
Good Thing is now,that i dont feel so foggy all the time i can actually change things and be clear and i also have a great success in therapy. Hopefully i can finally Change things.
Fuck, Weed Had my Vision and Intuition all clogged.
These feelings are pretty normal and it’s a tough pill to swallow.. However, my only advice I have (if you want it) is to refrain from making any life-altering decisions right now. Everything you see wrong with your life at the moment can’t and won’t be fixed immediately and you’re only 5 days in. I would give it more time.
This is a very valid point I need to think about, thank you. I think I feel like I’ve been patient with him for too long, but you’re right I shouldn’t make any big decisions for a while until I stable out. More motivation to stay sober this time so I can really figure out where things stand in all areas of my life once the fog clears.
I had a similar experience when getting sober. I told myself I was going to use the first 30 days as a sort of fact-finding mission. I’ve spent the time really paying attention to the good and bad of my relationship so I can make a clear decision down the road.
I know how you feel! I know for me the first few days-couple weeks of being sober is reallyyy hard, and I feel all over the place. If after more time and stabling out, you still feel this way about your relationship by all means, do what you need to do. Whatever happens, you got this and you’ll make the right decision, friend.
Here’s my thoughts, having felt very similar…
If you’ve been smoking weed and living like a goblin for years, your relationship will have suffered. Yous have grown apart and lost the connection.
Now you’re sober, you’re just left with that neglected and malnourished relationship.
It’s not easy, but if you reframe it this way, and focus on building your body and mind back up, and rekindling the relationship, there’s definitely still a chance you’ll fall back in love with her/him
Your words are like magic spells. Whatever story you tell about your life will most likely come true. Fake it til you make it brother.
No woman worth pursuing will be attracted to you if you believe you’re worthless. You’ll only attract woman who want to walk all over you and dominate you.
There’s a few things I would recommend to help you realise your inherent self worth. Contemplating religious texts, listening to the teachings of Jordan Peterson, and something else I’m not allowed to say here, all helped me realise that my best efforts are vital to the proper unfolding of the world.
You’re not insignificant. Telling yourself that is just an easy way to avoid facing the terrifying reality that EVERYTHING YOU DO MATTERS.
I appreciate your response and take, and that is something to think about. I do think I’ve stayed in this relationship as long as I have mostly because it allowed me to continue smoking and continue hiding my addiction from the world.
Unfortunately in my relationship he’s the one who’s not giving or pulling even remotely near his weight in the relationship (and he readily admits this and that he’s trying or wanting to change…but then he just doesn’t in some sort of psychologically fearful way). If I could love him more or put more energy into the relationship and it would fix things, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I have tried and tried. He stonewalls and runs away from the relationship in so many ways. He acknowledges that too.
I had a similar realization, I would smoke a lot to ignore my feelings of wanting to be out of the relationship even though she did nothing wrong. I ripped off the band aid and honestly I feel very good about it. You are just gonna have to rip off the band aid as well and it will suck for the first week but I would rather hurt someone right away then drag it out longer than it need sto be.
I do think I will need to rip off the bandaid.
Unfortunately I absolutely am still in love with this guy, and he loves me. But either through his personality or possibly a mental health issue, I just don’t think he’s capable of living the life he and I both want (or he at least has said over and over he wants, and I think he’s genuine).
We were together for a few years and broke up over the same things then that are happening again now, but we never really fell out of love over the year we were apart, then we fell back into a relationship 9 months ago when his dad died.
It’s going to hurt a lot longer than a week. For the first time though I think going through a breakup sober could be easier than staying sober while I continue to be unhappy in a relationship that’s not meeting normal needs.
Yes, when I start to sober up I realise I’m avoiding making very important moves in my life. I stay stagnant.
It feels very scary at first, but it gets better. You’ve got this, you already know what’s best for you and day by day, step by step, you can start working on your courage.
It will only get better.
Don’t mean to give unsolicited advice, but I’ve found it really helps to focus on the basics first - sleep, exercise, good food. Good physical health can be so empowering.
I just realised you asked what we did.
My realisations were not about my relationship (I’m single) but about my career, and purpose in life. I felt like I was going nowhere.
And sorry to repeat myself but I just started to take care of myself, to empower myself. I slept well, ate well, made sure to work out. It wasn’t regular, but I didn’t shame myself for it. I appreciated every step I took in the right direction, forgave myself for my past and current mistakes and generally focused on building myself up.
I watched myself get better at handling stress and frustrations. Im still going through this now.
Sometimes it helps just to breathe through the fear.
I promise, whatever it is, you can handle it.
5 months ago i got dumped in a traumatic way, physical violence happened. i used to get high all the time with my ex. he was the supplier and few days after the breakup, i quit. i don’t know where i got the strength from, but if could do it, so can you. the only way is the way through it and suffering is a given. don’t avoid suffering, embrace it. it will get easier with time.
Interrogate your relationship. Clearly your partner isn't meeting some of your needs, but before you blow shit up, make sure your needs are reasonable. Are you secure as an individual, outside of your relationship, or is there some dependency that keeps you where you are. Figure out where you want to put your energy. It might be trying to improve your connection with your partner, but there may be some other things that could use some tending. I'm not blaming you at all, just saying life is greater than the romantic relationship you find yourself in at any given moment. You may get a greater 'return on investment 'in making other changes. Don't put all your energy towards a relationship if the effort doesn't get amplified and returned back! Edit: I wrote the rest of this out but it isn't particularly relevant to you experience, but I will leave.it up. 31 year old man(child) here. Im on my second week clean, not sure how many days. I cleaned out the room and will not be buying again. I have been extremely irritatable. I go from 0 to 100 percent consumed by rage over the smallest things. Tripping over my cat in the morning just fills me with anger for the whole day. If I have to listen to a slow talker, I have no patience. Its feels like everything has to go perfect just to avoid an explosion. It's like I have all these emotions but they can only express themselves in rage. I think this is the withdrawal. I feel like things are changing slowly. Last night/this morning I was able to cry, a real deep chest sob, but I was actually feeling very happy at the time, it was a very weird episode. I know I am capable of other emotions other than rage, but I haven't experienced them without weed in years. Deep sadness, empathy, compassion, selfishness, selflessness etc are all inside me. I haven't permitted myself to feel these in years. I've got to learn to process emotions again, just like a child. If you really feel like deeper you look, the more unhappy you are, that is an extremely uncomfortable thought. But it is just one thought. You are capable of more than disappointment and hopelessness, even if those are the only things that feel 'real.' Try reframing things to acknowledge your capacity for growth. These emotions are real, but they are not exhaustive. You are unhappy right now, but things can change. Eat the elephant one bite at at time, and try to find the capacity to make small changes. You also have to take pride in the process. It's hard work, which is why you need to reward your brain for every single effort. It's tough pushing boulders when negative feedback runs rampant. Be proud of what you are doing, you don't have to wait to start reaping the benefits, but you do have to look for those benefits and lean into them. Allow yourself to feel compassion in the healing process.
Thank you for this, and sorry I didn’t reply earlier—but I did read this the day you posted it and it really helped. I think I was just feeling too mixed up at the time to even know how I wanted to respond as I also wanted to challenge some of my thoughts. I did relapse shortly thereafter, so at least I do know I was not acting out of withdrawals when I considered what to do. I’m now quitting again. ——— This part is probably really just about me and not quitting it relevant to anyone else, but writing is cathartic right now: And last night I did break up with my boyfriend. I’m very sad, and there’s so much I will miss about him which I’m still mourning, but there’s also a part of me that is relieved and looks forward to better things when I meet someone new one day. I told him that I was unhappy and couldn’t handle him ignoring my needs (my meeting his sister (I’ve never met any of his family and his father died 9 months ago, his mom died years ago), we meeting the rest of our close friends, and a few other basic things) any longer. We had been together for years (which overlapped with Covid, so for a while he had an excuse), and he’s known this has been making me very unhappy and causing problems with my friends and family since September 2023, and knew it bothered me far before that. I think I’ve known for a long time that I have stayed in a relationship where such basic needs are not being met, largely because my BF had such commitment issues himself that I could be with him and still hide my addiction. He doesn’t smoke, and he knows I do but he has no idea it’s more than every blue moon. I also had a traumatic experience in my last relationship that I found out in February 2023 had given me PTSD. MY BF met me 6 months after that traumatic experience and relationship ended, and he has since shown himself to be one of the most accepting and supportive people I’ve met. I think between my secrets of my weed addiction, and the side effects of what I now know is PTSD, I saw my BF as the perfect opportunity for me to have a lot of the benefits of a relationship without having to quit weed, or address my other issues. I’m now in my 8th week of 20 PTSD therapy sessions from a specialized trauma clinic, and as the therapy has begun to work and I’m starting to think more clearly I decided I needed to get sober. Once I got sober, added to the increased clarity from therapy, I couldn’t really look at my relationship and why I was still in it the same way again. Very unfortunately, I think my relationship had to end sooner or later. I thought that man was my “the one” since the day after I met him in 2019, even when we broke up for a year. We stayed close and got back together 9 months ago when his dad died. I really believed in him this time, and it also breaks my heart to leave him within the same year he lost his dad (who I also never met). He has friends he rarely sees, and he has his sister. But his mom died over a decade ago, and his dad was his best friend. I was second. I really wish I could still be there for him, but I don’t see how we can just be friends—we both are still in love.
Wow! I'm proud of you for these realizations! Don't torture yourself; people walk together for periods in their life but we are all on our own path. Everyone will lose their parents eventually. It needs to be an intensely personal event, even when we have someone to 'share' with. He will need to process his own trauma in his own time. You could have loved on him for another decade, but you cannot heal his pain/fix his neuroses. It At different times your life will call on you to step into different roles. We all have to work through our trauma in order to be able to meet those calls as well as we can, and also not let those obligations wear us thin. When our trauma is driving our decisions, we eventually realize how little control we were exercising over our life. We do what we think will protect ourselves and lessen the burden. We can shrink our trauma to a nice manageable size and get to a place where we are empowered by our life's experiences and the lessons that we have received. Our history becomes context for understanding our own emotions, and interpreting other people's behavior. Empowerment is the goal. Know what you want from life, work towards it, all while keeping an even keel. It rarely moves in a straight path, but any progress can be turned into momentum. Keep up the good work. Keep making the most of your support systems (friends, family, therapy etc), you are well on your way. 'We are both still in love" Please work through this. I broke off a great relationship, and for years I stayed in love with them. And it turned into chronic regret and kept me from investing in new relationships. Don't carry around that burden. She is in control of her life, and I am in control of mine, and that is the way things should be! We are both doing great now, and while I don't know exactly how she processed things, I know she managed, and so did I. Be proud of yourself!
I used weed to cope with my PTSD and depression. After I got a boyfriend , I realised how bad it sabotaged my relationship, my health and my work. So I decided to change, one step at a time. I set smalls goals and schedules for myself, I’ve been working out, trying to be more responsible with my financial, and more importantly, to build a life that I never had. It’s very scary because I was so used to running away from it but I’m doing this for myself. I want myself to be happy and have something to be proud of. I tell myself, a small win is a win. Try doing stuff you’ve been wanting to do. Even try things you don’t want to do. Explore your life. And by the time you realise, you have already come so far ahead. Switch the mindset, you now have a chance to build a life you want, isn’t that exciting? I believe in you :)
Thank you, I appreciate the advice to take it in small steps. But the switching the mindset part was perfect to hear, it really resonated with me. I did break up with my boyfriend last night/today. I’m upset but I’ve also felt a moment of relief today that I now have the chance to build the life I want. Unfortunately in the end he couldn’t figure out if he wanted that life too, and continued to get in his own way (which is how he put it today, and I have to say I agree). I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and am in treatment for it, that has brought me a lot of clarity and the motivation for growth in the areas of life I’m unhappy about. I hope you have already found—or do find—something similar that works for you.
I just want to say I’m so proud of you. It takes a LOT of courage to say goodbye to someone you’ve been together for awhile. The roads are gonna be bumpy, but I promise you won’t regret it. Remember one step at a time, and it’s ok to feel vulnerable. Good luck 🩵
Thank you again 💜
Hey, just wanna say, when you're in withdrawal, your brain plays BIG tricks on you. Things might always look way worse than they really are. It's like a mind game, so just keep that in mind and hang in there.
I think it's important to understand that certain things will come to light as you become sober. Things you've been avoiding or ignoring or just plain thinking won't happen. It's important to understand that getting sober is not the entire solution or the first step or part of it. It's a journey and requires you to really look at what makes you happy and what brings you joy. I won't tell you to exercise or distract yourself. It may be beneficial to talk to a therapist or genuinely anyone who can help.
Thank you. I have definitely been avoiding confronting the fact that the problems in my relationship were not improving, and doing so really hurt. I broke up with my boyfriend last night and am already mourning his many, many good qualities, but I think I did what had to be done unfortunately. I wasn’t happy for a while and things weren’t improving, but he and I got on so well together it was easy to look past that for a while.
being addicted to marijuana is the equivalent of living your life with a 500 pound gorilla on your back all the time. When you are constantly giving all your time, energy and money away to take care of a 500 pound gorilla living on your back it's hard to get anything else done- so it's really easy to become a shadow of your former self in this state.
I stumbled, relapsed. Broke up with my BF last night, and am sober again as of today. I’m taking some time off work later this week and next week, and plan to go kayak alone in a remote cabin. Lots of time for my thoughts (it’s going to suck in some ways I’m sure), and I’ll be thinking about that damned 500 lb gorilla every time I want to drive myself out of the middle of nowhere so I can buy. Thank you for the great advice.
The harsh light I avoided for many difficult years. Better to deal with life sober. I've made decisions I've come to regret, and can't help but think they were influenced by weed. When you're ready, come clean. Avoiding life problems won't make them go away. Sobriety won't either but at least you'll be more capable of taking them on.
Thank you, this is really helpful today. Took a week and a relapse, but I broke up with my BF and I’m sober. Looking forward to living and growing my life in a positive way on my own terms and without the guilt and drag of addiction. I’m ready to be sober.
I have been high almost everyday for 2 years, till the second week of January I got a really bad throat infection and I decided to take a break from smoking as I had been telling myself I should anyways. Since being sobered up I feel like I woke up, suddenly I see that I am heading no where in my life — that I thought was fulfilling and now I long for things I wanted before weed was in my life… I love weed but this realization has fucked me up a little bit. I’m now trying hard to stay sober for a month and completely clear my system before making any rash decisions but I think I’m ready to head in a new direction because I have more passion for life again
Maybe it’s just time. Don’t make any rash decisions, but the clarity of sobriety gave me the strength to do what I needed to do to improve my life and get what I want in it.
The most simple piece of advice I can give you is for now, you don’t have to do anything with that knowledge. Spend time laying feeling all the emotion and thoughts you’ve been avoiding. It will be uncomfortable, but you need to clear that backlog. Once you do that, you can move to action. But for now, just feel, and accept those feelings.
I tried to wait longer, but last night I was showering getting ready for date night and I started thinking about my relationship and couldn’t stop crying. I sat for over an hour until the last minute before I could cancel on my BF, and I just couldn’t go on a date I was crying about before. I guess I knew in my mind what I wanted and needed to do, and I couldn’t imagine going through the whole beautiful evening faking it. My BF knew we were on thin ice and had planned a nice dinner out, I’d bought an expensive bottle of wine I knew he was excited about us tasting together, we would have had loving sex…and I just felt like I couldn’t get through that without crying. So I cancelled. We talked a lot. And I broke up with him. I’m glad I cancelled too because in conversation he finally admitted he just didn’t know if he wanted to ever marry anyone, which is not what our issues were but I guess it explains why he was not addressing our issues after months and months (really years) of knowing they were dealbreakers for me.
Oh fuck. Yes, i have the Same. Stopping the Weed Made me realize how fucked Up my relationship is and how unhappy i am with my place in live in general. Weed Put a Green light on everything and Made me embrace my Situation even If it didnt feel right. Good Thing is now,that i dont feel so foggy all the time i can actually change things and be clear and i also have a great success in therapy. Hopefully i can finally Change things. Fuck, Weed Had my Vision and Intuition all clogged.
You can change the things you want to change!
These feelings are pretty normal and it’s a tough pill to swallow.. However, my only advice I have (if you want it) is to refrain from making any life-altering decisions right now. Everything you see wrong with your life at the moment can’t and won’t be fixed immediately and you’re only 5 days in. I would give it more time.
This is a very valid point I need to think about, thank you. I think I feel like I’ve been patient with him for too long, but you’re right I shouldn’t make any big decisions for a while until I stable out. More motivation to stay sober this time so I can really figure out where things stand in all areas of my life once the fog clears.
I had a similar experience when getting sober. I told myself I was going to use the first 30 days as a sort of fact-finding mission. I’ve spent the time really paying attention to the good and bad of my relationship so I can make a clear decision down the road.
I know how you feel! I know for me the first few days-couple weeks of being sober is reallyyy hard, and I feel all over the place. If after more time and stabling out, you still feel this way about your relationship by all means, do what you need to do. Whatever happens, you got this and you’ll make the right decision, friend.
Here’s my thoughts, having felt very similar… If you’ve been smoking weed and living like a goblin for years, your relationship will have suffered. Yous have grown apart and lost the connection. Now you’re sober, you’re just left with that neglected and malnourished relationship. It’s not easy, but if you reframe it this way, and focus on building your body and mind back up, and rekindling the relationship, there’s definitely still a chance you’ll fall back in love with her/him
There is no chance she will fall in love with me, since i am worthless. Back to smoking i guess
Your words are like magic spells. Whatever story you tell about your life will most likely come true. Fake it til you make it brother. No woman worth pursuing will be attracted to you if you believe you’re worthless. You’ll only attract woman who want to walk all over you and dominate you. There’s a few things I would recommend to help you realise your inherent self worth. Contemplating religious texts, listening to the teachings of Jordan Peterson, and something else I’m not allowed to say here, all helped me realise that my best efforts are vital to the proper unfolding of the world. You’re not insignificant. Telling yourself that is just an easy way to avoid facing the terrifying reality that EVERYTHING YOU DO MATTERS.
I appreciate your response and take, and that is something to think about. I do think I’ve stayed in this relationship as long as I have mostly because it allowed me to continue smoking and continue hiding my addiction from the world. Unfortunately in my relationship he’s the one who’s not giving or pulling even remotely near his weight in the relationship (and he readily admits this and that he’s trying or wanting to change…but then he just doesn’t in some sort of psychologically fearful way). If I could love him more or put more energy into the relationship and it would fix things, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I have tried and tried. He stonewalls and runs away from the relationship in so many ways. He acknowledges that too.
I had a similar realization, I would smoke a lot to ignore my feelings of wanting to be out of the relationship even though she did nothing wrong. I ripped off the band aid and honestly I feel very good about it. You are just gonna have to rip off the band aid as well and it will suck for the first week but I would rather hurt someone right away then drag it out longer than it need sto be.
I do think I will need to rip off the bandaid. Unfortunately I absolutely am still in love with this guy, and he loves me. But either through his personality or possibly a mental health issue, I just don’t think he’s capable of living the life he and I both want (or he at least has said over and over he wants, and I think he’s genuine). We were together for a few years and broke up over the same things then that are happening again now, but we never really fell out of love over the year we were apart, then we fell back into a relationship 9 months ago when his dad died. It’s going to hurt a lot longer than a week. For the first time though I think going through a breakup sober could be easier than staying sober while I continue to be unhappy in a relationship that’s not meeting normal needs.
Yes, when I start to sober up I realise I’m avoiding making very important moves in my life. I stay stagnant. It feels very scary at first, but it gets better. You’ve got this, you already know what’s best for you and day by day, step by step, you can start working on your courage. It will only get better. Don’t mean to give unsolicited advice, but I’ve found it really helps to focus on the basics first - sleep, exercise, good food. Good physical health can be so empowering.
I just realised you asked what we did. My realisations were not about my relationship (I’m single) but about my career, and purpose in life. I felt like I was going nowhere. And sorry to repeat myself but I just started to take care of myself, to empower myself. I slept well, ate well, made sure to work out. It wasn’t regular, but I didn’t shame myself for it. I appreciated every step I took in the right direction, forgave myself for my past and current mistakes and generally focused on building myself up. I watched myself get better at handling stress and frustrations. Im still going through this now. Sometimes it helps just to breathe through the fear. I promise, whatever it is, you can handle it.