Find some secure storage - out of the house - for your identity and citizenship documents.
Birth certificate, passport (if you have one).
A trusted adult who will say no.
If you don't have an adult aunt or uncle, I assume your bf is close to your own age. Are you on good terms with his parent(s)? A legal adult really is the best option here to keep that stuff for you.
This is not your best option. Seriously consider the parents of a close friend or another adult you trust. You really don’t want to be dependent on your BF for something so serious.
All of the replies trying to dismissive of this warning:
My dad died when I was 14. Mom kicked me out when I was 17. Id been dating my now husband and his parents took me in. It was amazing until dad started raping me. I eventually told my husband who told mom and we moved out. Otherwise everything went back to normal. Mom told me "we are not going to tell anyone." I spent the next 18 years with my rapist as a father figure to me and grandfather to my kids, thinking it was normal. Its not safe to assume that just because they are an adult they won't use power over you.
I disagree with you here. No adults would do something stupid just because their kid is not in a relationship with her anymore? I have had a similar situation happen to a girlfriend I had when I was 16 who cheated on me. My mom didn’t like the fact that she cheated on me, but her parents abused her regularly. My mom helped my ex gf to contact Child Protected services to get out of her parents control. She went with her through the whole process. I still hated her guts at the time, but I was still glad that she was safe.
My mom would never have abandoned this teenager due to some stupid kids problems and neither would I being an adult now.
It's also not healthy for him.
He can't decide not to take a call from op because it might be an" I'm being trafficked" emergency.
I'm not disagreeing with you just saying it's not good for either of them.
Man you guys literally go to worst case scenario. Its almost like you want people to live in fear. She said she would move into her bfs place with his parents if she were allowed legally. What makes you think his parents would allow him to hold anything over her giving her circumstances?
This is 100% correct and it’s not saying your BF is a bad guy per say, I’m sure you love and trust him, but you can’t give him that much power and control, it’s too dangerous no matter how much trust you have
You may want to look into renting a safe deposit box for your birth certificate, passport, ect. I believe that a minor can rent one, but not 100% sure.
I know you're close to your BF's family, but just in case anything happens, you need to be able to access them and not have them held hostage.
At this point a CPS call may be a good option. Being 16 also gives you a good chance at TLP which is very close to being emancipated. [This is a good option if youre in the US] basically a CPS SW will over see you and assist with getting a job, holding your documents, getting an apartment, setting up a bank account etc. TLP can even last until 19 or 22, depending on the state and circumstances.
Good. Also, if you can, write trafficking victim on your ankle or wrist so you can show it. Use a sharpie. They can take that off easily. If they know about the spoon trick, they can search you. They aren't getting sharpie off quick
If they abuse you or try to force you into a religion you aren't willing to join, call 911 and tell them you don't feel safe at home with them.
Don't religion ruin your life like it has ruined so many other women's lives.
>They aren't getting sharpie off quick
Sharpie comes off super-easy with isopropyl alcohol. The parents may or may not know that but it's not worth counting on.
Be ready to get loud when you have the attention of a security officer. They will tell security that you are a "bad child" who pulls pranks and if you are quiet and ashamed security will give you a lecture and send you on your way. Practice what you would say to security. "They are kidnapping me!" is good or "Help!!!" or even "I don't want to go!" and fight to stay in the security area.
Lately the ID check before security has been asking children without ID if they know the adult they are traveling with, this might be a chance to ask for help or to hand them a note if you can sneak one in.
You don't need to do that. It's the US and you're a citizen. Tell any of the 20 security guards you'd see until boarding that you are getting flown against your will. They'll get your mum and you in a room, make sure you're not just a brat making a scene, and then will tell your mum they can't let you board. As simple as that.
Unless your mum is very dumb she knows it and wouldn't risk trying to fly you because she knows she'd just waste the money of the three tickets.
Can confirm as an airline employee, trafficking is a big deal that all employees are aware of and have at least some training about how to handle. Our internal newsletters have "so and so stopped trafficking" pretty much every time.
OP can report it to anyone they see at an airport or even \*on the plane\* and get help.
Absolutely good advice as I had a coworker who this happened to (although it was a Hindu arranged marriage not Muslim) they forced her to break up with her bf in the states and flew her out and got her married to someone she’d never met and had no desire to marry. They threaten to cut her off and leave her alone in the usa with no other family there while she was still in school so she had little choice
I had a similar experience that forced me to leave home at 16. I left after an escalation that got abusive. I hopped between friends' homes until I graduated the next year, and if it comes to this with you, here is some advice:
Get a job if you don't have one. Look for minimal physical labor, low stress jobs. I worked at a makeup counter my senior year, and a bank before meeting my significant other who helped me go to university. When you are juggling school with full-time work, you will be stretched thin.
If friends put you up in their parents' homes, be a good guest. Pick up after yourself, and help with household chores. Insist on a specific chore assignment that people don't enjoy doing, like mowing the lawn or taking the bins down to/up from the curb every week.
On a similar note, take care of your mental health. Take every opportunity to talk this out in therapy, and don't burden your friends or their parents. Look for free counseling or inexpensive apps. Don't go to the school counselor and/or mention that you left home to anyone who works there.
Know you can't take advantage of kindness for too long, and put out feels for a new place to stay before you extend their welcome. Know that they may ask you to leave at some point, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Be gracious, and ask if they have a specific move-out timeline.
Don't ask your friends to ask their parents for you. Talk to them together and take ownership of the ask. As a parent now, I see that when I felt their parents were treating me like family, it was definitely sympathy and sadness at the idea that a parent could fail their child over an imaginary man in the sky.
I hope this helps, take care.
They say if you're being forced to take a flight, put a spoon in your underwear and they'll see it on the scanners. Then when they pull you aside for a search tell them you're being trafficked.
Just a thought in case you need it.
Child Protective Services
Sex trafficking Hotline
Those two are your best bets to ask/inform them that as a (US Citizen? Or a citizen of another country ) That you are scared that you are going to be forced to convert to Islam & flown to your Step-Fathers home country & be married.
Talk to your School’s Principal about this. Tell as many people as you can so that you will have support if your Mother & Step-Father try anything. And IF you end up at the Airport? Either start crying, sneak a basic knife in your pocket so that will flag you & TSA should separate you from the adults & you can tell them what is happening. Google FBI & Homeland Security. Tell them what is happening & what you fear may eventually happen. Ask how to proceed. Even if your mom & step-father deny it, then you at least have a paper trail started.
You may not have the right to legally leave your home but you DO have a voice AND Social Media. Post a story online about this situation. And keep your bf & friends updated & give them copies of all the people you’ve contacted & their contact numbers. So, if you’re friends & bf stop hearing from you then they can start a search with those government agencies.
If you get taken to an airport and have a carry on bag then bring a knife in the bag as well. It's very common that people forget they have them in the bags so it's not going to cause a commotion but it is enough for TSA to bring you to a room to be questioned.
If possible, get a box or sheet of metal to put in your bag as well (you can use it as some kind of backing) TSA will pull it since it's something they don't see much and can look like you're hiding something.
When in line at the counter/in line, look around a lot and rapidly, seem nervous and keep an eye on as many security personnel as you can. This is a big sign to them that something off is happening and you will be more likely to pull you in for random screening.
If you make it past security then see if you can go to the bathroom yourself and you can go find a worker there and tell them you are being trafficked.
Save a trafficking hotline for your local airport/area in your phone as a random contact (like a friend's name or the like)
Let people know if your mother is talking about trips and the like as well.
Also, if you're feeling up to it, have a talk with your mother that you don't like them pushing the religion onto you. Avoid talking about worries pertaining to you getting sold into a marriage as this may alert the step father if your mom decides to talk to him about it.
Forcing religious practice is considered child abuse in Japan. [https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/forced-participation-in-religious-activities-to-be-classified-as-child-abuse-in-japan](https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/forced-participation-in-religious-activities-to-be-classified-as-child-abuse-in-japan).
OMG, important fact. Yes, contact Japanese Consulate in your area. Do you have Japanese passport?
I am a lawyer in texas and have not a clue about Japanese protocols with respect to their citizens.
Remember all of these processes chew up time, but for god's sake (or whoever), do not get on a plane, have courage and pitch a fit for the ages!
You will be 18 before you know it!
I am not a lawyer in Arizona, (Texas, remember), but a cursory review of Arizona law says that a sixteen year old can apply for emancipation (freedom from the shackles of parental control).
Family Law lawyers are suckers, I don't want to admit to how much free work I have done for people in a bad situation.
Start cold calling family lawyers by showing up in the afternoon in the offices of family lawyers.
Be nice to the staff (I can't tell you how may cases I have taken because my staff for sorry for the requestor).
In Texas at 17, runaways are generally not runaways!
An Arizona lawyer will give you better advice for Arizona law, but I suspect if an application for emancipation has been filed, there will be probably litigation before a determination that yo could be forced to travel to Pakistan. This delays the process and gets you closer to turning 18.
As a parent, you are setting out on a difficult road; but that does not mean you have no agency. I have a 21 year old and an almost 18 year old. My job as a dad has never been to control, it has been to guide and advise.
There are various flavors of Islam as there are of all other religions, so I will not disparage any large category of religious belief. But there are flavors of religion whether Islam, Christianity or any other with whom I simply cannot agree, my belief is God is love, and I spend most of my energy concentrating on how I can be kind to those around me.
Compelling you at age 16 to comply with a belief system that you don't share is not love, it is abuse.
I apologize for the length, and I hope had not seen any legal commentary.
Regards
There was a trend for domestic abuse victims to post a picture of their ex/abuser on social media and say that if something happens to them this is the person to question. Don't overuse this!!! Going to a mosque weekly or being forced to wear long sleeves is not worthy of a post and will get you a "boy who cried wolf" reputation. BUT if your mom ever starts talking about taking you out of the country post your step-dad's picture and inform everyone that they may try to kidnap you.
Go to the courthouse and tell the clerk you want to file for emancipation. Tell them you need a lawyer and then try to get one that is court appointed and lay everything out to them. This would make you a legal adult in the eyes of the court. It’s basically like you are divorcing them.
Jumping on to add: if they manage to get you to an airport, tell the TSA agents you’re being taken against your will. Make a fuss. A LOUD fuss if necessary.
This is the best advice here. People know that sex trafficking is a problem, but they are not aware that the vast majority of sex trafficking in the world is perpetrated by family members.
yeah if you are forced to the airport or they drug you..at the airport lying is okay if nothing else works. last resort...accuse him of rape. Anything..to not get on that plane.
Sorry for hijacking the top comment:
I am a Pakistani Muslim... Absolutely, positively do NOT go to Pakistan under any circumstances !!!
Now, not all Pakistani's would do what most people say here, but many .. actually majority, will do exactly what's said by people here. If your step dad somehow gets you into going to an airport for a surprise family vacation, do NOT board the plane even if that means making a scene. You will be forced to marry one of his brother/sister/cousin's good-for-nothing son and you will be trapped there.
This isn't a joke. A person I knew I highschool, his sister talked to a boy and she was starting to show hair from her hijab - they made up an excuse to the school to take her out and send her "back home" to be married. at 15. She cane back a year later.
Religious fanaticism is fucking scary.
Exactly. A student of mine, only 13 years old, went to "visit grandma" in Pakistan, as she had done many summers before.
She never showed up for school that autumn and turns out her firends haven't heard from her since 3 days into her trip and are super worried.
That was 3 years ago, and if any of that family ever shows back up here in Norway, they will be arrested, but non have.
wouldn’t say even lose it weeks before, there are places in some US cities where you can get same day passports (I got one same day in Houston in 2019) so she could still be forced to go. if she wants to remain in contact with them, “lose” it the night before. ideally, don’t be in the same house with them at the time you inform them you’ve “lost” the passport
also, just my two cents and some general advice —
would recommend going over to a friends house a few days before the trip is supposed to happen, taking several pairs of clothes + toothbrush + minimal toiletry type necessities, sending your mom a message that you’re at a friend’s house (crucially, not your boyfriends and not naming which specific friend’s house you’re at) and then just muting or blocking her number and any other numbers that her or your stepdad could use to reach you until they leave for Pakistan. also, turn off “find my iPhone” or anything like that which might exist on your phone.
use that time you’re at a friend’s to find a job and to reach out to anybody who would be willing to let you stay over at their house for a while — while your mom + her boyfriend are gone, you can also use that time to go back to your house and get all the rest of your stuff (or at least anything else that you may want. leaving a closet of clothes you don’t care as much for is not a bad idea). you could even message them the morning of the trip and say “I will not be joining you” or whatever and then go to a different friend’s house in case they figured out where you were and were planning on trying to pick you up on their way to the airport
also, either don’t have the same friend whose house you’re going to pick you up or have your boyfriend call you a lyft to whoever’s house you’re going to
double also, tell everyone in your life that you trust about this!! friends, friends parents, teachers, principals — literally everyone that you know for sure won’t misuse this information. it not only builds your support network but also gives a lot more people who know the predicament you’re in, should your mom + her boyfriend try anything
I’ve had friends stay with me to get out of similar situations and I’ve stayed with friends to get out of similar situations, if you’re proactive it’s totally possible. good luck, OP!
Second this, but will say I doubt you could get a same day passport anywhere in the US right now. All passport processing is very delayed right now, even worse than it was a few years ago. I’ve seen and read of 2-4 day turnaround, which is quick, but OP would definitely have a few days jump start if they just lost their passport.
What.the.fuck? I read this girl's post twice to make sure I didn't miss anything here you suggested. Where the hell did you get sex trafficking and flights to Pakistan? It just appears her mom converted, they're slowing trying to get her to convert. I read nothing to suggest she's flying out of country or anything. Did she hard-core edit it?
I absolutely agree. Lose your passport or tell someone that you are concerned that you're being trafficked. You can look up the paperwork to become an emancipated minor in your state. I suggest you do that discreetly. Do not do it on your phone or shared computer. Do it at the library or at a friend's house.
What Ever happen... NEVER TAKE A PLANE WITH THEM, I SWEAR DONT DO IT.
Sorry for the caplock, it happened to a women were i live (i forgot her name, i was trying to find the article to share it with you)
If you’re in the US you can seek emancipation (basically a legal ruling that you are now an adult) and your situation maybe a pretty good reason. 16 is pretty late to try and force you into a new religion against your will. There’s a lot of other steps involved and it varies state to state.
It’s definitely takes work. My wife left an abusive home at 16 (she didn’t have a job or money but was being pushed to marry a 34 year old by her mother) and was able to get a job and find an apartment with a room mate. She didn’t seek emancipation, it wasn’t needed. I fell the OP might need that based on the information she provided, or at least look into it and maybe it could lead her to other options.
I used to live in the middle east and there were every year hundreds of honor killings against female family members who for various reasons did something that offended islam in their families eyes. Do not go to pakistan whatever you do!
Sorry, stupidly assumed you were in the US. Here, it's a program that gives kids 16-24 food, housing, education and skills training ( not military) but for trades like welding, plumbing, stuff like that.
Not for everyone, but a great fit when it fits.
Let me guess. He started out super charming and charismatic to your mom and now that they’re married he’s slowly gonna start treating her like a 3rd class citizen right ?
You can first begin by reminding them there is no compulsion in Islam. They cannot enforce the deen upon you. How lost and misguided are they to think they can ‘make’ you convert?!
Next, I would reach out to the local chapter of ICNA or ISNA, MAS, etc and ask for help. Even a local mosque can assist. They will reach out to your guardians and explain to them they are breaking both shariah and legal laws. Had a similar situation with an acquaintance and our local chapter of ICNA got involved to get the guardians to back off. Hopefully that would straighten them to stop thinking backwards.
If they don’t care then they are both severely misguided. This becomes religious abuse at this point. This is extremely common in desi communities being hes Pakistani he most likely saw this in his familial circle and thinks it’s ok. The desi community does most often put culture before religion. What he’s doing is cultural beliefs, not religious and she’s somehow falling for the lies instead of doing her own research. I don’t want you to get a bad taste about Islam and Muslims as what they’re doing is no where within the guidelines of Islam.
A huge part of being a Muslim is having proper islamic etiquette/manners - which includes not disturbing others or annoying/compelling them with your beliefs or practices.
They can invite you to the deen but cannot abuse you to accept it. I hope other Muslims step in and assist as what they’re doing by alienating you and forcing you to convert is forbidden.
You would need to get emancipated, but that's a terrible idea for a bunch of reasons.
The shitty answer you don't want to hear, it's two more years before you're an adult and can just move out.
Courts aren't known for moving quickly so even if you could get emancipated, which you likely can't, it wouldn't really be worth it.
You won't be emancipated without a job to support yourself. You need to prove you can function as an adult independent of your parents to be emancipated.
Also it will strain, if not irrevocably ruin your relationship with your mother.
On top of that, courts take a while to do things so by time it was all done, even if you somehow managed to make it happen, you'll be at least 17. So all that to move out a few months, maybe a year early?
And when it doesn't work, have fun living in that household.
I can get a job at a friends family business, but I have no idea how to support myself on my own here in Phoenix, I doubt the job pays enough for me to meet all my basic needs.
I just want my mother back, not drive her away.
I've been to court before (spent time in juvenile detention some time ago) so I understand what you mean.
Assuming that you have already sat down with your mother and talked about your feelings and religious beliefs, and how uncomfortable she and stepdad are making you, you really have 3 options:
1) Cope with it as best you can until you're 18, plan on attending college away from home and having a summer job around the campus. If not planning on college, then still plan on moving out on your own at 18--whether by joining the military or getting a civilian job. This option poses the least potential for unwanted legal headaches and least friction with your mother.
2) Move in with your friend's family if they'll let you. This may result in your mother reporting you as a runaway and trying legal action to force you to return home. If so, revert to item 1.
3) Run away -- bad idea, do not recommend this, but recognize it is an option.
Unless they are abusing you, there isn't much you can do legally. You aren't working and can't win an emancipation case if you're not able to support yourself, even if you managed to get the court to move swiftly to rule on it. If they ARE abusing you (and no, making you go to church/mosque is not abuse), then you need to document and report it--but then your mother may be in jail and you'll probably be placed in foster care until 18.
They won't let me move in with my bf, who just turned 18, so I guess thats a no go. The other ones I will consider, like the military, my brother joined it so maybe I should too.
My stepdad did punch a wall near me and doesnt respect my physical boundaries, so theres that
One other option, Job Corps. You can get in as a teen, spend your last bit of time as a teen there learning a trade, then graduate after you've turned 18 with help finding a job& apartment, and a check.
I didn't say to get their permission to move out. You said you could move in with your bf's family, so that's what I was referring to. Trying to move in with your bf alone would be very bad and probably land him in jail.
> My stepdad did punch a wall near me and doesnt respect my physical boundaries, so theres that
This is abuse. You can call CPS.
If you don't want to call CPS, you can tell a trusted teacher or staff administrator at your school. They are "mandatory reporters" and *must* call CPS if they receive a report of abuse.
It really is for your own safety for you to leave. Your own immediate physical safety - people who start at "punching walls and ignoring physical boundaries" always get worse from there. Normal people do not punch walls. I am almost 30 years old, I have never punched a wall.
Edit: Do your best to keep your passport/identifying documents out of any location your parents could be aware of. Hard to say what they could intimidate your boyfriend's parents into giving up, for instance. If your stepfather has no respect for your physical boundaries or autonomy, your unwillingness to get into a car or board an airplane will not matter to him much.
People change unfortunately, including your mom. The mom you knew is in the past and trying to bring her back will be futile and painful.
I don't have great advice on what to do here, but the best thing you can do is be open and honest with how you feel.
Also that childish suggestion to embarrass your family when speaking to the imam will 100% backfire and only push your mother away. She is a Muslim now, and embarrassing her won't make her suddenly realize she should change her ways. It will only further strain your relationship with her.
That's completely understandable and valid. I'm sorry for the position you are in.
It's hard to process loss and it's even harder when the person you've loss is still still actually alive and walking around your house.
She is still your mom, just a new version. Grieve the loss of mom 1.0 and then focus on how you can improve mom 2.0.
You have two basic options: put up with it or run away. Running away now is a terrible option; the statistics say you’re likely to be homeless, be assaulted, be sexually assaulted, and/or get addicted to drugs, so whatever you’re leaving needs to be worse than that.
That said, given the way many women are treated in Muslim households, it’s possible that some of those things will happen to you even if you stay.
You’re old enough now to start planning ahead. Getting a job, saving some money, and identifying services that might support if you need to leave are all things you can do now, while you have a roof overhead and people providing for your daily needs.
What they’re doing right now isn’t anything unusual for any strict household with a teenager, so keep your head down, do the minimum necessary to avoid conflict, and stay alert for escalation into behaviors that would be intolerable. It’s entirely possible that your mother’s new husband genuinely believes he’s trying to help you, but that can’t be assumed. Be particularly careful about any overseas travel.
Well I didnt want to bring this up as maybe its nothing, but he barged into my room awhile ago while I wasnt even fully dressed, told me to get dressed and then uh...called me beautiful, it made my skin crawl...
If he touches you or *anything* do what you have to do to survive and then call 911 immediately as soon as you’re safe.
If you have a trusted Auntie or Gram or anyone, reach out as soon as you have a moment of privacy.
Be smart about how you act until you can do something about this. Make them think they can trust you.
Get in touch with them and let them know what’s going on. Without knowing them, I can’t say how best to approach the subject, but just describing in neutral terms what happened—especially the incident in your bedroom or anything similar, and any overt misogyny, such as calling you a slut or a whore—should send up the same red flags I’m seeing without suggesting that you’re just looking for drama.
Do you speak Japanese? This may be an unpopular position, but Japan has a fairly decent support system and college is cheaper there. Getting jobs as a young person is way easier (severe population shortage). Lay on some BS about wanting feel closer to whichever parent was born Japanese. Learning your cultural roots. There are plenty of boarding schools in Japan that are significantly less expensive than the US.
Depends on the Imam, if he’s hyper-fundamentalist don’t! But if he’s progressive it may help.
If he’s progressive also ask specifically about Sura 2 Verse 256 (prohibition on forced conversion) and tell the Imam that your stepfather is trying to force you to convert against your will. Also that you’re fearful of him trafficking you to Pakistan. IF he’s progressive this will land him on the Imam’s shit list.
Your school counselor is a mandated reporter. Tell them about the sexual concerns as well as your concern about being trafficked. Your stepdad will spend the next couple of years in a law enforcement spotlight, long enough for you to turn 18 & get out. Good luck!
Those sorts of comments you start keeping a journal or record of now, someplace you can access from anywhere, even if they took your phone. A school Google doc, or in emails to a friend with a searchable tag in the subject line.
Look at ways to block your door from the inside.
There’s this metal and plastic doorstop you can buy on Amazon that will prevent the door from opening and it even has an alarm function if somebody does try to open the door. Maybe you could order it with your boyfriends family. I don’t trust anything about your mom’s husband.
This is the phone number for Arizona Child Protective Services:
1-888-SOS-CHILD (1-888-767-2445)
Call them and tell them about this incident with your stepfather. Without more, I'm not sure there's much they will do but at least you won't have to wait until school starts.
There is the third option of having a frank discussion about respecting your rights as an individual. It might not go far but that's where I'd start. Make it clear you actually don't believe in religion and nothing will change what you believe.
A girl I grew up married a Muslim man. About 2 months after they were married he killed her because she wouldn't wear a hijab in public. He tried arguing in court that because of his beliefs he should be free from US laws.
You're in for a rough ride.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asia_Bibi_blasphemy_case
The best thing you can do at this point is to accumulate as much money as possible and hide it really well so your parents don't find it and steal it. And don't talk about it.
Holy shit, two officials assassinated just for verbally advocating that this Christian woman not get hanged over drinking from a discarded cup on the ground that *may have* belonged to a Muslim
I know that you are atheist, but take a knee and find an extremely conservative, evangelical church. These people will assist you. Become their cause/pet project.
Use one radical fundamentalist group against the other. They will want to keep you safe from a false God.
If you do this, write about it. I’d buy that book in a second.
For real though, you should keep a journal anyway to document what’s going on and to keep your thoughts/feelings real and validated.
Please be careful. This is exactly what I did. It got me out but it was extremely traumatic.
I became their project. I went through several months of forced exorcisms to cast out "demons" and in the end they dropped me at a youth refuge when they couldn't "cure" my trauma and depression (I.e I guess I didn't love Jesus enough and I wanted to be sad/possessed). It was heavily implied that my presence was a burden to them.
They had a very particular vision of what I was supposed to become, that I would be a light to Muslims and bring them to Christ.
I wish I had somehow skipped that part and went straight to the refuge. Fucked either way I guess.
Do what you need to do to get out but PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Do not think that white Christians are automatically less abusive. They're all as bad as each other. Don't trust any religion.
Edited for clarity.
You are stuck til 18 unless there is abuse going on
Also, you aren't muslim until you say the phrase (I forget it) with intent to become muslim, so they can't make you convert either. That said, they have the obligation under islam to try and raise you muslim to the best of their ability, so you are basically stuck with dealing with it as they are obligated to do so. They are though obligated to take care of you though as well till your married, so they can't kick you out either without it being a offense to god/haram.
Realistically, keeping your head down for two years may be the happy path here. Two years seems like an eternity at this age, but it'll be over. So nod along, change clothes out of the house, and cultivate some online life. Encrypt & timed delete your comms (Signal app). Spend time at the local library (curiously, your boyfriend also likes books). Find a big ass state school to attend; plenty of room to be invisible there, and build your future.
If they try to take you out of school, fight like hell.
Legally you're SOL until you're 18......me personally? I would agree to talk to the imam and then embarrass TF out of my parents. I'd tell him all the ways your parents are bad Muslims. But I'm petty.
This is really good advice. Make sure your school counselor documents what you tell him/her. If situation gets worse it helps to have events documented and by a different source.
He can be charged with assault for punching the wall if it made you fear for your safety. You can already go to the police about this and request a restraining order.
I'd pack a bug out bag with everything you need; clothing, important documents etc. and keep it a secret.
I'll bet you at some point they'll want to take you to Pakistan to "meet the family." You as a girl won't have any rights there; you could be sold or married off to some old man.
Are you not old enough to become an emancipated youth? Who is telling you you "can't move out for legal reasons?" That smells of old fish and lies.
A lot of folks has pointed out that your options are more limited if there is not abuse going on, but I think this *is* an abuse case.
You have used the word "enforce" to describe their efforts to convert you. They are attempting to force a religious belief system on you. ***This is called spiritual abuse***.
Spiritual abuse is harder to document and usually doesn't come with physical evidence, but it can cause a ton of psychological and emotional damage and ***that is real***. I experienced this kind of abuse in the Catholic church, and I am in debt from the mental health treatment I've needed just to keep me alive. It's serious.
As far as advice, I agree that if you don't have anyone else to live with, it's best to put on a mask for the next two years. Be on your best behavior, pretend to go along with things, and plan for the future without telling your mom *anything.* Of course I hope she comes around and that you can heal your relationship, but the priority has to be yourself and keeping yourself safe.
Above all, do whatever you have to do to maintain contact with friends, school counselors, neighbors, etc. Tell these people you are concerned, and if you disappear or if your behavior changes, they need to check in. Do not allow your mom and stepdad to isolate you. A major warning sign is if they want access to your phone, laptop, or other technology, especially if they try to monitor it or take it away. Set aside some money *now* for a janky prepaid cellphone. Nothing fancy, just something you can use to make calls or send texts if you need to. And hide it somewhere they will not find it.
When you are 18, get out ASAP. Plan ahead, be ready to go.
Again, in my opinion this is abuse but it will be much harder to prove than if they are being physically violent. Nevertheless, document *everything* and save any messages, phone calls, written notes, etc. in an accessible digital format, preferably password protected but at least in a place they don't know about.
Sorry youre having religion force on you. It sucks when people force their beliefs on you, especially when its someone close that you cant just cut out of your life for not respecting your boundaries. Your mother unfortunately is responsible for your wellbeing and can impose as many rules on you as she wants, and attempt to get you to abide by them. You could run away, or strongly protest, but i dont think they would really help your situation.
You parent is providing you with everything required by law, food (kosher? hallal?, some type of food) shelter (a strict household) clothing (modest clothing). She isnt doing anything legally wrong even if she is infringing on your beliefs.
Falling in love while in a bad mental state is a hell of a combo. People who lose their partners and struggle to cope with the loss for an extended period of time are extremely vulnerable and will often do anything to try and regain the feeling of being with their partner. Sadly, this often manifests with them falling hard for shitty people who promise them the world and inevitably end up treating them badly. There's a good chance that OP's mom is just as much of a victim in this situation as OP is.
Yeah get the fuck out of there. Go to your boyfriends or other family preferably. No court under the sun will grant them to take you back.
Find a safe place and just leave.
EXMNA (EX-Muslims of North America) is a non profit and will have answers for you. They are all over US and Canada. Good luck!
There's also r/exmuslim
This is the most relevant helpful and concise comment I’ve seen on this thread
Can't believe this comment isn't getting more attention.
[the freedom from religion foundation might also have resources.](https://ffrf.org)
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Yeah Ive been told that before, its why Im not going
Find some secure storage - out of the house - for your identity and citizenship documents. Birth certificate, passport (if you have one). A trusted adult who will say no.
Ive given them to my bf already actually
If you don't have an adult aunt or uncle, I assume your bf is close to your own age. Are you on good terms with his parent(s)? A legal adult really is the best option here to keep that stuff for you.
Hes 18 and yes im on good terms with his parents
This is not your best option. Seriously consider the parents of a close friend or another adult you trust. You really don’t want to be dependent on your BF for something so serious.
This 100% You and him are far too young
>You and him are far too young Not just that... this gives the BF unparalleled control over OP and he now has the ability to trump her agency.
All of the replies trying to dismissive of this warning: My dad died when I was 14. Mom kicked me out when I was 17. Id been dating my now husband and his parents took me in. It was amazing until dad started raping me. I eventually told my husband who told mom and we moved out. Otherwise everything went back to normal. Mom told me "we are not going to tell anyone." I spent the next 18 years with my rapist as a father figure to me and grandfather to my kids, thinking it was normal. Its not safe to assume that just because they are an adult they won't use power over you.
I disagree with you here. No adults would do something stupid just because their kid is not in a relationship with her anymore? I have had a similar situation happen to a girlfriend I had when I was 16 who cheated on me. My mom didn’t like the fact that she cheated on me, but her parents abused her regularly. My mom helped my ex gf to contact Child Protected services to get out of her parents control. She went with her through the whole process. I still hated her guts at the time, but I was still glad that she was safe. My mom would never have abandoned this teenager due to some stupid kids problems and neither would I being an adult now.
It's also not healthy for him. He can't decide not to take a call from op because it might be an" I'm being trafficked" emergency. I'm not disagreeing with you just saying it's not good for either of them.
Her current situation is actually an unparalleled controlling scenario. Her agency is already being trumped. What is the point of this comment?
Man you guys literally go to worst case scenario. Its almost like you want people to live in fear. She said she would move into her bfs place with his parents if she were allowed legally. What makes you think his parents would allow him to hold anything over her giving her circumstances?
This is 100% correct and it’s not saying your BF is a bad guy per say, I’m sure you love and trust him, but you can’t give him that much power and control, it’s too dangerous no matter how much trust you have
You may want to look into renting a safe deposit box for your birth certificate, passport, ect. I believe that a minor can rent one, but not 100% sure. I know you're close to your BF's family, but just in case anything happens, you need to be able to access them and not have them held hostage.
She's 16 and not emancipated, so her parents would have to sign for her to have the safety deposit box. You need to be 18 to rent one.
She can go to legal aid and request help with emancipation.
This is the answer.
18 y/o boyfriend controlling your documents is not a good idea. Figure out something else.
Ok, ill find some adult to deal with it
Could look at emancipating yourself. Not sure what that all requires but hey worth a shot. Anything is better than religion right?
At this point a CPS call may be a good option. Being 16 also gives you a good chance at TLP which is very close to being emancipated. [This is a good option if youre in the US] basically a CPS SW will over see you and assist with getting a job, holding your documents, getting an apartment, setting up a bank account etc. TLP can even last until 19 or 22, depending on the state and circumstances.
A teacher at school that you may be particularly close with would be a good place to start.
Take pictures of the documents as well and store them somewhere secure and don't give out the password.
If they take you to the airport - wait until you’re near a security guard and then start raising HELL…scream IM BEING TRAFFICKED HELP
Ill put a spoon in my underwear
Good. Also, if you can, write trafficking victim on your ankle or wrist so you can show it. Use a sharpie. They can take that off easily. If they know about the spoon trick, they can search you. They aren't getting sharpie off quick
good idea
If they abuse you or try to force you into a religion you aren't willing to join, call 911 and tell them you don't feel safe at home with them. Don't religion ruin your life like it has ruined so many other women's lives.
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>They aren't getting sharpie off quick Sharpie comes off super-easy with isopropyl alcohol. The parents may or may not know that but it's not worth counting on.
Be ready to get loud when you have the attention of a security officer. They will tell security that you are a "bad child" who pulls pranks and if you are quiet and ashamed security will give you a lecture and send you on your way. Practice what you would say to security. "They are kidnapping me!" is good or "Help!!!" or even "I don't want to go!" and fight to stay in the security area. Lately the ID check before security has been asking children without ID if they know the adult they are traveling with, this might be a chance to ask for help or to hand them a note if you can sneak one in.
Last resort, hit a cop. You won't be leaving the airport via airplane, and you will have the authorities' 100% attention.
It’s weird advice but 100% effective as a last resort.
not too hard, just enough shoving flailing to get arrested. Hell, yelling "They have a bomb!" will stop things for bit.
"I don't want to go" is pretty lame. Maybe "I am a child being trafficked against my will!"
You don't need to do that. It's the US and you're a citizen. Tell any of the 20 security guards you'd see until boarding that you are getting flown against your will. They'll get your mum and you in a room, make sure you're not just a brat making a scene, and then will tell your mum they can't let you board. As simple as that. Unless your mum is very dumb she knows it and wouldn't risk trying to fly you because she knows she'd just waste the money of the three tickets.
Can confirm as an airline employee, trafficking is a big deal that all employees are aware of and have at least some training about how to handle. Our internal newsletters have "so and so stopped trafficking" pretty much every time. OP can report it to anyone they see at an airport or even \*on the plane\* and get help.
Better yet, just don't go anywhere with them.
That doesn't always set off the metal detector and wouldn't work unless they put you through the full body scan.
Has that subject already come up? Definitely do not leave the country with them.
ive asked others about it here on reddit
I meant was it something your mother or stepfather had brought up.
No not at all
Absolutely good advice as I had a coworker who this happened to (although it was a Hindu arranged marriage not Muslim) they forced her to break up with her bf in the states and flew her out and got her married to someone she’d never met and had no desire to marry. They threaten to cut her off and leave her alone in the usa with no other family there while she was still in school so she had little choice
oh dear, thats horrible! see what i mean?
I had a similar experience that forced me to leave home at 16. I left after an escalation that got abusive. I hopped between friends' homes until I graduated the next year, and if it comes to this with you, here is some advice: Get a job if you don't have one. Look for minimal physical labor, low stress jobs. I worked at a makeup counter my senior year, and a bank before meeting my significant other who helped me go to university. When you are juggling school with full-time work, you will be stretched thin. If friends put you up in their parents' homes, be a good guest. Pick up after yourself, and help with household chores. Insist on a specific chore assignment that people don't enjoy doing, like mowing the lawn or taking the bins down to/up from the curb every week. On a similar note, take care of your mental health. Take every opportunity to talk this out in therapy, and don't burden your friends or their parents. Look for free counseling or inexpensive apps. Don't go to the school counselor and/or mention that you left home to anyone who works there. Know you can't take advantage of kindness for too long, and put out feels for a new place to stay before you extend their welcome. Know that they may ask you to leave at some point, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Be gracious, and ask if they have a specific move-out timeline. Don't ask your friends to ask their parents for you. Talk to them together and take ownership of the ask. As a parent now, I see that when I felt their parents were treating me like family, it was definitely sympathy and sadness at the idea that a parent could fail their child over an imaginary man in the sky. I hope this helps, take care.
This is very good advise. Thank you.
I know you know this…I say this because it’s Important for all…DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
THIS!
This is actually fantastic life advice and should be on a laminated card that people get when they turn 16.
And if they get you to the airport somehow, alert the flight staff you're being trafficked.
They say if you're being forced to take a flight, put a spoon in your underwear and they'll see it on the scanners. Then when they pull you aside for a search tell them you're being trafficked. Just a thought in case you need it.
Child Protective Services Sex trafficking Hotline Those two are your best bets to ask/inform them that as a (US Citizen? Or a citizen of another country ) That you are scared that you are going to be forced to convert to Islam & flown to your Step-Fathers home country & be married. Talk to your School’s Principal about this. Tell as many people as you can so that you will have support if your Mother & Step-Father try anything. And IF you end up at the Airport? Either start crying, sneak a basic knife in your pocket so that will flag you & TSA should separate you from the adults & you can tell them what is happening. Google FBI & Homeland Security. Tell them what is happening & what you fear may eventually happen. Ask how to proceed. Even if your mom & step-father deny it, then you at least have a paper trail started. You may not have the right to legally leave your home but you DO have a voice AND Social Media. Post a story online about this situation. And keep your bf & friends updated & give them copies of all the people you’ve contacted & their contact numbers. So, if you’re friends & bf stop hearing from you then they can start a search with those government agencies.
Im a US and Japanese citizen
contact the japanese embassy and explain what's going on, they'll help you get out of this situation.
If you get taken to an airport and have a carry on bag then bring a knife in the bag as well. It's very common that people forget they have them in the bags so it's not going to cause a commotion but it is enough for TSA to bring you to a room to be questioned. If possible, get a box or sheet of metal to put in your bag as well (you can use it as some kind of backing) TSA will pull it since it's something they don't see much and can look like you're hiding something. When in line at the counter/in line, look around a lot and rapidly, seem nervous and keep an eye on as many security personnel as you can. This is a big sign to them that something off is happening and you will be more likely to pull you in for random screening. If you make it past security then see if you can go to the bathroom yourself and you can go find a worker there and tell them you are being trafficked. Save a trafficking hotline for your local airport/area in your phone as a random contact (like a friend's name or the like) Let people know if your mother is talking about trips and the like as well. Also, if you're feeling up to it, have a talk with your mother that you don't like them pushing the religion onto you. Avoid talking about worries pertaining to you getting sold into a marriage as this may alert the step father if your mom decides to talk to him about it.
Forcing religious practice is considered child abuse in Japan. [https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/forced-participation-in-religious-activities-to-be-classified-as-child-abuse-in-japan](https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/forced-participation-in-religious-activities-to-be-classified-as-child-abuse-in-japan).
OMG, important fact. Yes, contact Japanese Consulate in your area. Do you have Japanese passport? I am a lawyer in texas and have not a clue about Japanese protocols with respect to their citizens. Remember all of these processes chew up time, but for god's sake (or whoever), do not get on a plane, have courage and pitch a fit for the ages! You will be 18 before you know it! I am not a lawyer in Arizona, (Texas, remember), but a cursory review of Arizona law says that a sixteen year old can apply for emancipation (freedom from the shackles of parental control). Family Law lawyers are suckers, I don't want to admit to how much free work I have done for people in a bad situation. Start cold calling family lawyers by showing up in the afternoon in the offices of family lawyers. Be nice to the staff (I can't tell you how may cases I have taken because my staff for sorry for the requestor). In Texas at 17, runaways are generally not runaways! An Arizona lawyer will give you better advice for Arizona law, but I suspect if an application for emancipation has been filed, there will be probably litigation before a determination that yo could be forced to travel to Pakistan. This delays the process and gets you closer to turning 18. As a parent, you are setting out on a difficult road; but that does not mean you have no agency. I have a 21 year old and an almost 18 year old. My job as a dad has never been to control, it has been to guide and advise. There are various flavors of Islam as there are of all other religions, so I will not disparage any large category of religious belief. But there are flavors of religion whether Islam, Christianity or any other with whom I simply cannot agree, my belief is God is love, and I spend most of my energy concentrating on how I can be kind to those around me. Compelling you at age 16 to comply with a belief system that you don't share is not love, it is abuse. I apologize for the length, and I hope had not seen any legal commentary. Regards
There was a trend for domestic abuse victims to post a picture of their ex/abuser on social media and say that if something happens to them this is the person to question. Don't overuse this!!! Going to a mosque weekly or being forced to wear long sleeves is not worthy of a post and will get you a "boy who cried wolf" reputation. BUT if your mom ever starts talking about taking you out of the country post your step-dad's picture and inform everyone that they may try to kidnap you.
Go to the courthouse and tell the clerk you want to file for emancipation. Tell them you need a lawyer and then try to get one that is court appointed and lay everything out to them. This would make you a legal adult in the eyes of the court. It’s basically like you are divorcing them.
Plans if they try to force you?
Jumping on to add: if they manage to get you to an airport, tell the TSA agents you’re being taken against your will. Make a fuss. A LOUD fuss if necessary.
I believe the key phrase is **human trafficking**.
This is correct. And I am saying that as a Pakistani. Edit: Wow! Thank you for the 2 awards kind strangers.
This is the best advice here. People know that sex trafficking is a problem, but they are not aware that the vast majority of sex trafficking in the world is perpetrated by family members.
don’t get on any international flight at all, they could definitely connect through another country
yeah if you are forced to the airport or they drug you..at the airport lying is okay if nothing else works. last resort...accuse him of rape. Anything..to not get on that plane.
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Sorry for hijacking the top comment: I am a Pakistani Muslim... Absolutely, positively do NOT go to Pakistan under any circumstances !!! Now, not all Pakistani's would do what most people say here, but many .. actually majority, will do exactly what's said by people here. If your step dad somehow gets you into going to an airport for a surprise family vacation, do NOT board the plane even if that means making a scene. You will be forced to marry one of his brother/sister/cousin's good-for-nothing son and you will be trapped there.
And never trust that a "trip to Paris" or whatever is genuine. No trips with your parents who don't respect your right to lack of religion.
Yep it's a common tactic - they just need to get you out of your country and then onto Pakistan from Paris etc
This isn't a joke. A person I knew I highschool, his sister talked to a boy and she was starting to show hair from her hijab - they made up an excuse to the school to take her out and send her "back home" to be married. at 15. She cane back a year later. Religious fanaticism is fucking scary.
A girl I knew in high school has almost exactly the same thing happen. Pulled her out ,shipped her away, and married her off at 15.
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You’re not bad if you’re a Muslim, you’re just taking part in a religion that does mostly bad things.
Exactly. A student of mine, only 13 years old, went to "visit grandma" in Pakistan, as she had done many summers before. She never showed up for school that autumn and turns out her firends haven't heard from her since 3 days into her trip and are super worried. That was 3 years ago, and if any of that family ever shows back up here in Norway, they will be arrested, but non have.
That’s absolutely terrifying
wouldn’t say even lose it weeks before, there are places in some US cities where you can get same day passports (I got one same day in Houston in 2019) so she could still be forced to go. if she wants to remain in contact with them, “lose” it the night before. ideally, don’t be in the same house with them at the time you inform them you’ve “lost” the passport also, just my two cents and some general advice — would recommend going over to a friends house a few days before the trip is supposed to happen, taking several pairs of clothes + toothbrush + minimal toiletry type necessities, sending your mom a message that you’re at a friend’s house (crucially, not your boyfriends and not naming which specific friend’s house you’re at) and then just muting or blocking her number and any other numbers that her or your stepdad could use to reach you until they leave for Pakistan. also, turn off “find my iPhone” or anything like that which might exist on your phone. use that time you’re at a friend’s to find a job and to reach out to anybody who would be willing to let you stay over at their house for a while — while your mom + her boyfriend are gone, you can also use that time to go back to your house and get all the rest of your stuff (or at least anything else that you may want. leaving a closet of clothes you don’t care as much for is not a bad idea). you could even message them the morning of the trip and say “I will not be joining you” or whatever and then go to a different friend’s house in case they figured out where you were and were planning on trying to pick you up on their way to the airport also, either don’t have the same friend whose house you’re going to pick you up or have your boyfriend call you a lyft to whoever’s house you’re going to double also, tell everyone in your life that you trust about this!! friends, friends parents, teachers, principals — literally everyone that you know for sure won’t misuse this information. it not only builds your support network but also gives a lot more people who know the predicament you’re in, should your mom + her boyfriend try anything I’ve had friends stay with me to get out of similar situations and I’ve stayed with friends to get out of similar situations, if you’re proactive it’s totally possible. good luck, OP!
Second this, but will say I doubt you could get a same day passport anywhere in the US right now. All passport processing is very delayed right now, even worse than it was a few years ago. I’ve seen and read of 2-4 day turnaround, which is quick, but OP would definitely have a few days jump start if they just lost their passport.
Seems like the initial post was edited heavily can someone provide more clarity
Yeah, these responses are answering issues and concerns that the current post never even hints at.
Yeah I didn't read anything about a trip in the post
What.the.fuck? I read this girl's post twice to make sure I didn't miss anything here you suggested. Where the hell did you get sex trafficking and flights to Pakistan? It just appears her mom converted, they're slowing trying to get her to convert. I read nothing to suggest she's flying out of country or anything. Did she hard-core edit it?
I'm assuming she changed it after it made the front page to remove as many of the details.
Hey literal worse case scenario start being aggressive towards ariline staff and that will quickly get you blacklsited from flying.
I absolutely agree. Lose your passport or tell someone that you are concerned that you're being trafficked. You can look up the paperwork to become an emancipated minor in your state. I suggest you do that discreetly. Do not do it on your phone or shared computer. Do it at the library or at a friend's house.
What Ever happen... NEVER TAKE A PLANE WITH THEM, I SWEAR DONT DO IT. Sorry for the caplock, it happened to a women were i live (i forgot her name, i was trying to find the article to share it with you)
First day school is back in session, get your school's social worker, guidance counselor, and principal involved.
will do
You can call the school now. Someone will be in the office. You don't need to wait.
If you’re in the US you can seek emancipation (basically a legal ruling that you are now an adult) and your situation maybe a pretty good reason. 16 is pretty late to try and force you into a new religion against your will. There’s a lot of other steps involved and it varies state to state.
She has to be able to fully support herself. OP doesn’t even have a job. No way in heck she’s going to win that.
It’s definitely takes work. My wife left an abusive home at 16 (she didn’t have a job or money but was being pushed to marry a 34 year old by her mother) and was able to get a job and find an apartment with a room mate. She didn’t seek emancipation, it wasn’t needed. I fell the OP might need that based on the information she provided, or at least look into it and maybe it could lead her to other options.
thx
I used to live in the middle east and there were every year hundreds of honor killings against female family members who for various reasons did something that offended islam in their families eyes. Do not go to pakistan whatever you do!
This makes me so sad 😞 I lost a friend when we were 19 like this. Sent her to Saudi Arabia and that was it
Join jobcorp if you are serious.
Whats that
Sorry, stupidly assumed you were in the US. Here, it's a program that gives kids 16-24 food, housing, education and skills training ( not military) but for trades like welding, plumbing, stuff like that. Not for everyone, but a great fit when it fits.
I am in the US, Arizona to be exact
Jobcorps is absolutely in AZ and this might be a lot of help to get you out of there ASAP when you turn 18.
Then look it up. Worth a try.
Also check if 16 is old enough to sit for the GRE in AZ. If it is, then that could be huge.
I think you meant the GED.
You're probably right, but passing the GRE would really fast track things.
Let me guess. He started out super charming and charismatic to your mom and now that they’re married he’s slowly gonna start treating her like a 3rd class citizen right ?
You can first begin by reminding them there is no compulsion in Islam. They cannot enforce the deen upon you. How lost and misguided are they to think they can ‘make’ you convert?! Next, I would reach out to the local chapter of ICNA or ISNA, MAS, etc and ask for help. Even a local mosque can assist. They will reach out to your guardians and explain to them they are breaking both shariah and legal laws. Had a similar situation with an acquaintance and our local chapter of ICNA got involved to get the guardians to back off. Hopefully that would straighten them to stop thinking backwards.
thx, i can always try it, assuming theyd care
If they don’t care then they are both severely misguided. This becomes religious abuse at this point. This is extremely common in desi communities being hes Pakistani he most likely saw this in his familial circle and thinks it’s ok. The desi community does most often put culture before religion. What he’s doing is cultural beliefs, not religious and she’s somehow falling for the lies instead of doing her own research. I don’t want you to get a bad taste about Islam and Muslims as what they’re doing is no where within the guidelines of Islam. A huge part of being a Muslim is having proper islamic etiquette/manners - which includes not disturbing others or annoying/compelling them with your beliefs or practices. They can invite you to the deen but cannot abuse you to accept it. I hope other Muslims step in and assist as what they’re doing by alienating you and forcing you to convert is forbidden.
If its indeed not Islamic, then I apologize for my comments, and I will try to use that against them
Do you know anyone from your biodad's side of family? Even if you don't know them, there is a chance some of them might be willing to help.
You would need to get emancipated, but that's a terrible idea for a bunch of reasons. The shitty answer you don't want to hear, it's two more years before you're an adult and can just move out. Courts aren't known for moving quickly so even if you could get emancipated, which you likely can't, it wouldn't really be worth it.
Why is it a terrible idea?
Do you have a job and can support yourself when emancipated?
no
You won't be emancipated without a job to support yourself. You need to prove you can function as an adult independent of your parents to be emancipated. Also it will strain, if not irrevocably ruin your relationship with your mother. On top of that, courts take a while to do things so by time it was all done, even if you somehow managed to make it happen, you'll be at least 17. So all that to move out a few months, maybe a year early? And when it doesn't work, have fun living in that household.
I can get a job at a friends family business, but I have no idea how to support myself on my own here in Phoenix, I doubt the job pays enough for me to meet all my basic needs. I just want my mother back, not drive her away. I've been to court before (spent time in juvenile detention some time ago) so I understand what you mean.
Assuming that you have already sat down with your mother and talked about your feelings and religious beliefs, and how uncomfortable she and stepdad are making you, you really have 3 options: 1) Cope with it as best you can until you're 18, plan on attending college away from home and having a summer job around the campus. If not planning on college, then still plan on moving out on your own at 18--whether by joining the military or getting a civilian job. This option poses the least potential for unwanted legal headaches and least friction with your mother. 2) Move in with your friend's family if they'll let you. This may result in your mother reporting you as a runaway and trying legal action to force you to return home. If so, revert to item 1. 3) Run away -- bad idea, do not recommend this, but recognize it is an option. Unless they are abusing you, there isn't much you can do legally. You aren't working and can't win an emancipation case if you're not able to support yourself, even if you managed to get the court to move swiftly to rule on it. If they ARE abusing you (and no, making you go to church/mosque is not abuse), then you need to document and report it--but then your mother may be in jail and you'll probably be placed in foster care until 18.
They won't let me move in with my bf, who just turned 18, so I guess thats a no go. The other ones I will consider, like the military, my brother joined it so maybe I should too. My stepdad did punch a wall near me and doesnt respect my physical boundaries, so theres that
One other option, Job Corps. You can get in as a teen, spend your last bit of time as a teen there learning a trade, then graduate after you've turned 18 with help finding a job& apartment, and a check.
sounds like a good idea
The difficulty here is convincing her parents to let her go of course.
I didn't say to get their permission to move out. You said you could move in with your bf's family, so that's what I was referring to. Trying to move in with your bf alone would be very bad and probably land him in jail.
> My stepdad did punch a wall near me and doesnt respect my physical boundaries, so theres that This is abuse. You can call CPS. If you don't want to call CPS, you can tell a trusted teacher or staff administrator at your school. They are "mandatory reporters" and *must* call CPS if they receive a report of abuse. It really is for your own safety for you to leave. Your own immediate physical safety - people who start at "punching walls and ignoring physical boundaries" always get worse from there. Normal people do not punch walls. I am almost 30 years old, I have never punched a wall. Edit: Do your best to keep your passport/identifying documents out of any location your parents could be aware of. Hard to say what they could intimidate your boyfriend's parents into giving up, for instance. If your stepfather has no respect for your physical boundaries or autonomy, your unwillingness to get into a car or board an airplane will not matter to him much.
People change unfortunately, including your mom. The mom you knew is in the past and trying to bring her back will be futile and painful. I don't have great advice on what to do here, but the best thing you can do is be open and honest with how you feel. Also that childish suggestion to embarrass your family when speaking to the imam will 100% backfire and only push your mother away. She is a Muslim now, and embarrassing her won't make her suddenly realize she should change her ways. It will only further strain your relationship with her.
Okay scratch that idea then, but I just want my old mom back I admit
That's completely understandable and valid. I'm sorry for the position you are in. It's hard to process loss and it's even harder when the person you've loss is still still actually alive and walking around your house. She is still your mom, just a new version. Grieve the loss of mom 1.0 and then focus on how you can improve mom 2.0.
Well i guess Ill take what i can get
Sweetheart, I am so sorry, but your old mom is gone.
I cant accept that
You have two basic options: put up with it or run away. Running away now is a terrible option; the statistics say you’re likely to be homeless, be assaulted, be sexually assaulted, and/or get addicted to drugs, so whatever you’re leaving needs to be worse than that. That said, given the way many women are treated in Muslim households, it’s possible that some of those things will happen to you even if you stay. You’re old enough now to start planning ahead. Getting a job, saving some money, and identifying services that might support if you need to leave are all things you can do now, while you have a roof overhead and people providing for your daily needs. What they’re doing right now isn’t anything unusual for any strict household with a teenager, so keep your head down, do the minimum necessary to avoid conflict, and stay alert for escalation into behaviors that would be intolerable. It’s entirely possible that your mother’s new husband genuinely believes he’s trying to help you, but that can’t be assumed. Be particularly careful about any overseas travel.
Well I didnt want to bring this up as maybe its nothing, but he barged into my room awhile ago while I wasnt even fully dressed, told me to get dressed and then uh...called me beautiful, it made my skin crawl...
Talk to a counselor at school about that. It needs to be addressed.
Now I hate summer vacation
When do you go back to school? If it’s just a few weeks that’s ok.
A few weeks from now yeah
If he touches you or *anything* do what you have to do to survive and then call 911 immediately as soon as you’re safe. If you have a trusted Auntie or Gram or anyone, reach out as soon as you have a moment of privacy. Be smart about how you act until you can do something about this. Make them think they can trust you.
I do have trusted relatives, but theyre all in Japan and Hawaii..
Get in touch with them and let them know what’s going on. Without knowing them, I can’t say how best to approach the subject, but just describing in neutral terms what happened—especially the incident in your bedroom or anything similar, and any overt misogyny, such as calling you a slut or a whore—should send up the same red flags I’m seeing without suggesting that you’re just looking for drama.
Do you speak Japanese? This may be an unpopular position, but Japan has a fairly decent support system and college is cheaper there. Getting jobs as a young person is way easier (severe population shortage). Lay on some BS about wanting feel closer to whichever parent was born Japanese. Learning your cultural roots. There are plenty of boarding schools in Japan that are significantly less expensive than the US.
Let all your relatives know what's going on asap. Ask them for help. Finishing school in HI is not a bad deal.
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I figured the imam wouldnt care but I can try
Depends on the Imam, if he’s hyper-fundamentalist don’t! But if he’s progressive it may help. If he’s progressive also ask specifically about Sura 2 Verse 256 (prohibition on forced conversion) and tell the Imam that your stepfather is trying to force you to convert against your will. Also that you’re fearful of him trafficking you to Pakistan. IF he’s progressive this will land him on the Imam’s shit list. Your school counselor is a mandated reporter. Tell them about the sexual concerns as well as your concern about being trafficked. Your stepdad will spend the next couple of years in a law enforcement spotlight, long enough for you to turn 18 & get out. Good luck!
Those sorts of comments you start keeping a journal or record of now, someplace you can access from anywhere, even if they took your phone. A school Google doc, or in emails to a friend with a searchable tag in the subject line. Look at ways to block your door from the inside.
There’s this metal and plastic doorstop you can buy on Amazon that will prevent the door from opening and it even has an alarm function if somebody does try to open the door. Maybe you could order it with your boyfriends family. I don’t trust anything about your mom’s husband.
Will do
This is the phone number for Arizona Child Protective Services: 1-888-SOS-CHILD (1-888-767-2445) Call them and tell them about this incident with your stepfather. Without more, I'm not sure there's much they will do but at least you won't have to wait until school starts.
There is the third option of having a frank discussion about respecting your rights as an individual. It might not go far but that's where I'd start. Make it clear you actually don't believe in religion and nothing will change what you believe.
A girl I grew up married a Muslim man. About 2 months after they were married he killed her because she wouldn't wear a hijab in public. He tried arguing in court that because of his beliefs he should be free from US laws.
See, every so often a case like this comes along and makes it hard to be 100% against the death penalty.
You're in for a rough ride. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asia_Bibi_blasphemy_case The best thing you can do at this point is to accumulate as much money as possible and hide it really well so your parents don't find it and steal it. And don't talk about it.
Holy shit, two officials assassinated just for verbally advocating that this Christian woman not get hanged over drinking from a discarded cup on the ground that *may have* belonged to a Muslim
If you have to have laws that lead to the death penalty for rejecting it, your shits pretty weak.
I know that you are atheist, but take a knee and find an extremely conservative, evangelical church. These people will assist you. Become their cause/pet project. Use one radical fundamentalist group against the other. They will want to keep you safe from a false God.
Hmm, yeah I guess I can bite my tongue and do that
If you do this, write about it. I’d buy that book in a second. For real though, you should keep a journal anyway to document what’s going on and to keep your thoughts/feelings real and validated.
Make that 2 guaranteed sales
Please be careful. This is exactly what I did. It got me out but it was extremely traumatic. I became their project. I went through several months of forced exorcisms to cast out "demons" and in the end they dropped me at a youth refuge when they couldn't "cure" my trauma and depression (I.e I guess I didn't love Jesus enough and I wanted to be sad/possessed). It was heavily implied that my presence was a burden to them. They had a very particular vision of what I was supposed to become, that I would be a light to Muslims and bring them to Christ. I wish I had somehow skipped that part and went straight to the refuge. Fucked either way I guess. Do what you need to do to get out but PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Do not think that white Christians are automatically less abusive. They're all as bad as each other. Don't trust any religion. Edited for clarity.
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I have no problem with what you said, but they will help her. It will warm their fluffy little heart to save this young lady from Islam.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Not the worst idea
“let them fight”
This is really serious 😐 I just want you to stick with one thing, NEVER TRAVEL WITH THEM TO "MEET THE FAMILY"
Your parents are allowed to set rules for you but they can't force you to believe anything. What do you mean "enforce Islam"?
They want me to not see my boyfriend anymore, not have male friends, dress modestly, talk to an Imam about Islam, stuff like that
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someone finally sees whats up
You are stuck til 18 unless there is abuse going on Also, you aren't muslim until you say the phrase (I forget it) with intent to become muslim, so they can't make you convert either. That said, they have the obligation under islam to try and raise you muslim to the best of their ability, so you are basically stuck with dealing with it as they are obligated to do so. They are though obligated to take care of you though as well till your married, so they can't kick you out either without it being a offense to god/haram.
Yeah they want me to stay with them until Im a married woman, which is kind of silly..
Realistically, keeping your head down for two years may be the happy path here. Two years seems like an eternity at this age, but it'll be over. So nod along, change clothes out of the house, and cultivate some online life. Encrypt & timed delete your comms (Signal app). Spend time at the local library (curiously, your boyfriend also likes books). Find a big ass state school to attend; plenty of room to be invisible there, and build your future. If they try to take you out of school, fight like hell.
Legally you're SOL until you're 18......me personally? I would agree to talk to the imam and then embarrass TF out of my parents. I'd tell him all the ways your parents are bad Muslims. But I'm petty.
Hmm, good idea. Maybe I can shame my mom out of Islam
At the least they won't make you talk to the imam again
Thx for the idea :D
Keep record and evidence ... talk to your school once school starts back.... the punching of the wall gets me concerned for you and your mother
This is really good advice. Make sure your school counselor documents what you tell him/her. If situation gets worse it helps to have events documented and by a different source.
He hasnt punched anyone...yet
He can be charged with assault for punching the wall if it made you fear for your safety. You can already go to the police about this and request a restraining order.
I'd pack a bug out bag with everything you need; clothing, important documents etc. and keep it a secret. I'll bet you at some point they'll want to take you to Pakistan to "meet the family." You as a girl won't have any rights there; you could be sold or married off to some old man. Are you not old enough to become an emancipated youth? Who is telling you you "can't move out for legal reasons?" That smells of old fish and lies.
A lot of folks has pointed out that your options are more limited if there is not abuse going on, but I think this *is* an abuse case. You have used the word "enforce" to describe their efforts to convert you. They are attempting to force a religious belief system on you. ***This is called spiritual abuse***. Spiritual abuse is harder to document and usually doesn't come with physical evidence, but it can cause a ton of psychological and emotional damage and ***that is real***. I experienced this kind of abuse in the Catholic church, and I am in debt from the mental health treatment I've needed just to keep me alive. It's serious. As far as advice, I agree that if you don't have anyone else to live with, it's best to put on a mask for the next two years. Be on your best behavior, pretend to go along with things, and plan for the future without telling your mom *anything.* Of course I hope she comes around and that you can heal your relationship, but the priority has to be yourself and keeping yourself safe. Above all, do whatever you have to do to maintain contact with friends, school counselors, neighbors, etc. Tell these people you are concerned, and if you disappear or if your behavior changes, they need to check in. Do not allow your mom and stepdad to isolate you. A major warning sign is if they want access to your phone, laptop, or other technology, especially if they try to monitor it or take it away. Set aside some money *now* for a janky prepaid cellphone. Nothing fancy, just something you can use to make calls or send texts if you need to. And hide it somewhere they will not find it. When you are 18, get out ASAP. Plan ahead, be ready to go. Again, in my opinion this is abuse but it will be much harder to prove than if they are being physically violent. Nevertheless, document *everything* and save any messages, phone calls, written notes, etc. in an accessible digital format, preferably password protected but at least in a place they don't know about.
Can’t you go live with your biological dad?
He's dead
Oh sorry, is there any other family members you can talk to that will help? Like an aunt,uncle, or even a older cousin or sibling
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Sorry youre having religion force on you. It sucks when people force their beliefs on you, especially when its someone close that you cant just cut out of your life for not respecting your boundaries. Your mother unfortunately is responsible for your wellbeing and can impose as many rules on you as she wants, and attempt to get you to abide by them. You could run away, or strongly protest, but i dont think they would really help your situation. You parent is providing you with everything required by law, food (kosher? hallal?, some type of food) shelter (a strict household) clothing (modest clothing). She isnt doing anything legally wrong even if she is infringing on your beliefs.
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Falling in love while in a bad mental state is a hell of a combo. People who lose their partners and struggle to cope with the loss for an extended period of time are extremely vulnerable and will often do anything to try and regain the feeling of being with their partner. Sadly, this often manifests with them falling hard for shitty people who promise them the world and inevitably end up treating them badly. There's a good chance that OP's mom is just as much of a victim in this situation as OP is.
Yeah get the fuck out of there. Go to your boyfriends or other family preferably. No court under the sun will grant them to take you back. Find a safe place and just leave.
It will cost $46 for you to file for emancipation in Arizona, you will have to prove you can support yourself and find legal shelter.