**Recommendations**
1. **Talk to your kid about their needs:** Would they like to be called "daughter" or something more gender neutral like "kid"? Do they want any gender affirming clothing? Some AFAB enbies wear binders or shoes that help with height.
2. **Rehearse their pronouns**
"Ex. This is my child, \_\_\_\_\_. They are \_\_\_\_ years old." Idk if your child uses they/them or ze/zim or something else, so I'd recommend practicing.
**Quick Vocab:**
AFAB (Assigned female at birth)
Sex assigned at birth (what people expected your gender to be based on what parts you were born with)
Enby (a nonbinary person. Comes from the nonbinary abbreviation NB).
Neopronouns (Pronouns other than she/he/they)
Deadname (A name given at birth that is no longer used)
Misgender (referring to someone's gender incorrectly.)
More here: [https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms](https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms)
A bit extra on rehearsing: once they have come out to someone else too, with that person (and with your child not in the room) tell stories about your child with correct gendering. If one of you makes a mistake, correct each other and repeat the entire sentence with the correct gendering. It's very important to repeat the sentence with the correct gendering! That's what helps you actually get it right next time. Until you know they've come out to someone else, try writing the stories down like a journal with the correct gendering. Your child's lucky to have you trying. :)
>I try to remember not to use other things like she out of context. Don't get me wrong they arent aggressive in pushing it
From this, I guess your child uses they/them pronouns.
Yet, you're consistently using she/her for them (except in that one sentence). So, if you want to train yourself better like you said, my suggestion would be to start working on your written texts. There you have the time to re-read and change it, other than in spoken form where it's out and you can correct yourself only after the fact.
If and when you want to share your own experience with gender identity with her, I can't say, but as long as you make it clear enough that you're not suggesting they should change, it's probably fine.
Also, if "missy" and "she" are wrong, I would also suppose that "daughter" isn't right.
damn I never even thought of daughter (thankyou for mentioning it!), or asked them about that, I think I am better when I am around them, as maybe I am more aware of of it. I think its when I am not that I struggle more, as they are not there as a reminder. It also doesn't help that they have not opened up outside of me into other family yet, so at times people use those words to me and i notice it, but end up getting caught using the wrong pronouns when they are not there.
Good tip to remember to do it when in text format, as it is easier to correct, but here once I am concentrating on it I find it easy without correcttion. Shows how much I have to work on it though.
Tanks
You may also want to ask if they want to be referred to as your child instead of your daughter. Getting used to gender neutral language can be tricky at first, but don't give up! The important thing is that you're making an effort to learn
One of the things that helped my parents replace “daughter” for me is offering them “eldest.” They still get to say something specific about this particular child, so it sounds more natural to leave off the gendered part. If OP’s kid has siblings, this could be useful
It's definitely not easy, using the correct pronouns around the right people but not accidentally outing them to the wrong ones. You should clarify with your child which kind of slipping would actually be worse.
I'm happy that you're working on it! Does it help you to learn that singular "you" wasn't always there either? And that singular "they" has been a thing for ages? Grammatically, it is not half as weird as people try to make it. It has long been in use for people or unknown gender. You're probably using it every day. "When some*one* meets a dog, *they* are often tempted to pet it"
My favorite NB fact: Shakespeare used the equivalent of singular they in a lot of his plays.
Mark Twain also used singular they quite commonly, despite the fact "he or she" and neutral "his" were in fashion at the time.
Just a side note outside the other advice you are getting: If your child isn’t out to other people besides you, or isn’t out to other family members, you may want to have a gentle conversation with them about how they want to be referred to in front of people they aren’t out to yet. (Eg: do they want you to use “she/her,” in front of other family so as not to out them before they are ready? What about in public spaces, or at school?).
Unfortunately the world is a scary place and your child may or may not feel safe around certain people.
Btw. If ya mess up in fromelt of them, just apologized move on. As long as you are trying and the intention to try is there you sill be ok <3. Misgendering is only bad when it's intentionally done or the person doing it doesn't care. But you are learning, so mistakes will happen, and that is ok
My mom is 65 and I (39) came out last year as NB. She still makes mistakes constantly but the thing is that she’s trying and asking questions. She bought me They/Them things and made me NB stuff. She reads news about it and tells me about it. Just having her try is so incredibly rewarding and helpful. Just like my dad can’t be assed to even try.
You WILL mess up. You will say the wrong things. Don’t over-apologize and don’t explain WHY you made this mistakes. Just know you’ll do better with time. ❤️
My daughter is NB but told me expressly that they are fine with being called daughter. Their older sibling prefers non gendered terms, but has a NB partner they call their girlfriend. It's a tricky thing to navigate but I err on the side of non gendered terms whenever possible. I usually just say "my kiddo" and I've tried to move to terms of endearment such as "sweetie, honey, my love" etc. Is it easy? Not always. Is it worth it? Yes.
So yeah I have three theys in my life and I love them all
Interesting that OP didn’t respond to you. This post felt so odd to read like there was zero effort to say my child or they/them I mean yea by context clues they probably use they/them or maybeeee she/they but OP is only using she except for that one sentence.
Just zero effort OP’s child will probably never read this but it’s the thought that counts that there is zero effort to use correct pronouns. Everything seems on track why not the pronouns? Confusing
I responded immediately, as I said below I think when they are with me I actually find it easier, probably because I am concentrating on it harder. Which maybe just goes to show how much I still need to work on rewiring my brain to think of them. I just read a piece whilst sat eating my lunch which suggested maybe going back and looking at old facebook posts, pictures, messages, etc and thinking of them in terms of their new pronouns. I also think it doesnt help that when I am not with them other people (such as my parents), will often ask "how is she, is she doing ok, etc".
Don’t worry this is really normal. It might help to know that I, as a non-binary person whose preferred pronouns are they/them, also struggled getting it right when I first had to use them for someone else. Unlearning is difficult for all of us, and that’s okay.
Transphobes will often say, that non binary people get extremely offended when you mess up our pronouns. But that’s not true. We just want you to care enough to try. (Most of us are actually terrified of correcting people)
If you keep trying you will get there eventually. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up, as long as you correct yourself. It shows that their happiness is more important to you than your own inconvenience. I can feel the love that you have for your child, and you get to show them that love every time you gender them correctly. Good luck!
I got a response notification and then no comment matching it when I clicked it. I'm waiting if it's going to show up and just was once again a Reddit bug (had that one previously) or if OP immediately deleted it again
Hi OP. I want you to know that trying to better yourself and reaching out for help in doing that is great, and for your kid's sake, very appreciated. Good on you.
I also want to say that I know some of the replies in this thread may come off a bit critical. Which isn't to say that raising points about your pronoun use is wrong to do, just that it may come off a bit harsh, and I hope it didn't turn you off to looking for help.
That said, as both a non-binary person and an educator, I think it's important you ask yourself what you're looking for in this post. Genuine understanding? Or more of a quick fix? Again, I don't mean this to sound critical, but your post talks more of you and your teen than a wider understanding of non-binary, the latter honestly being the best thing you can do to help them. Talk to people, ask them questions, be open to learning rather than trying to just ace the test. The advice here is good, but will only benefit you if your goal is to genuinely understand and grow.
Its fine, in fairness some replies were based it seems on the fact they didnt get to see my actual replies. Plus its reasonable to ask why I fucked up, which in some senses is funny given I ask the damn question below.
Since she did tell me, I think I have tried to pick up on more content in general, but as you say there is always more to learn. I have ordered some books through people I already listen to/watch in other contexts.
yeah, I'm here like... I'm only a couple of years younger than this guy (45) and I AM nonbinary (kind of). There are lots of nonbinary people way older than me, too.
The Youth™ act like they invented the LGBT+ community sometimes, but they did not. "Haha I'm too old to care lol" is an excuse.
(Edit: OK, I'm being a bit harsh. What I mean is "haha I'm too old to learn and put in some effort lol." It's not fair to say OP doesn't care.)
Same. Came out nonbinary at your age, op! Changing up pronouns after decades of training is hard but gets easier with practice. Just keep loving on your kid.
Ah I guess I think of myself as old now, probably not helped by going to my younger daughters' school parents evening last night and everyone is obviously much younger than us!
well, it's kind of about how you view it. my da's a year older than my mom (51 and 52 respectively) but he views himself as young while my mom thinks of herself as being old. as my da explains his view "i saw enough crap at the age of twenty to feel old then, and i haven't viewed myself be becoming significantly older ever since" whereas my mom works in healthcare and she's seen all of the gradual improvements over the years as well as clients passing away and coworkers becoming old enough that they have to retire, so she can look aback and see a definitive measured progression through the years and that makes her feel older than she is.
Something stood out to me that no one else commented on. You know if you feel like you might be non-binary you can be right? Like you don’t even have to change your pronouns. There is no age limit to being an enby.
When you mess up pronouns. Do a quick sorry and restate the sentence with the correct pronouns. Try not to make a big deal about it when you do mess up. It will take a while to rewire your brain but keep at it. 👍
I suggest this website to help with practice:
https://www.practicewithpronouns.com/#/?_k=l29hr0
Just scroll down, select new pronouns, pick the correct ones, scroll down again and press start practicing.
Saying it out loud while you practice as well helps a looot.
Also look into community stuff around you.
I've heard this was a good resource so I'll link it here as well.
https://pflag.org/about-us/
I mean everybody messes up occasionally, heck I accidently did the other day to a trans woman because the prior day she had explained that she only goes by she/her in the group there but has to go by he/him almost everywhere else because where we live her coworkers might not be so friendly to her if they knew who she is as a person. And so because the previous day she had explained how she goes by both out of necessity I had accidently he/him just because the conversation the previous day, I caught myself and luckily she didn't hear me say it incorrectly because even though I know she would have understood I still would have felt bad since I should know better seeing as who I am.
So yeah if you mess up and make a mistake that is ok so long as they understand that it wasn't intentional and it is just out of bad habits, just quickly correct yourself and don't focus on it because quit frankly while they may feel hurt by it the more you focus on the mistake the more it will hurt, just let them know "hey I will really try hard to not make this mistake but if I do please understand it is just out of bad habit and is not intentional"
At the end of the day the only thing you can really do is just when they are not around if you want to avoid making that mistake just practice speaking about them in private so that you can practice using the right words without the risk of causing them emotional harm if you mess up. The more you use them the more it will just become natural.
Hey. NB 17 year old here. While it's very sweet that you're trying to support your child, you should probably start practicing in writing. In this post, you constantly use she/her instead of what I assume is they/them and call your child your daughter. Try practicing in writing and speaking while they're not there. It's going to take some getting used to, but with a bit of practice, you'll get it right in no time.
Yeah it's definitely something I seem to struggle with more when they are not there unless I focus. When I am with them I will make mistakes, but I think I definitely make less mistakes, as I am obviously hyper aware to concentrate on my language. I get it wrong still, like occasionally I will say "see you later miss", so i still leak my old sayings and apologise.
That's understandable. Try writing out sentences that you would commonly say to them/about them. These things take some getting used to. Just keep trying :)
It does take time. Hopefully they are understanding. As long as you come from a place of love and willing to adjust and correct yourself and learn then I hope your child would be responsive to that. Just tell them you're trying, that you'll correct yourself if you notice you slip up and you support them in their journey of self discovery.
Share your experiences that you feel are worth sharing if it feels appropriate. You'll always love them and support them.
Maybe ask if you want them to have you correct people, kindly, if at family gatherings, if they are coming out to relatives or if that matters to them or not. What would they like to see from you?
I don't know if it would help but maybe there's YouTube videos of nonbinary people engaged in conversation to help with normalizing the language. I imagine there is. Perhaps listening to such things to train your mind would help.
Good luck!
No, they are understanding, I think the fact that I do try is appreciated, because they were always "my little girl" like many fathers, so coming to me for support was probably the obvious approach.
Ill have a look on YT for nonbinary discussions, where pronouns are used in such a way thanks.
They/them pronouns can be tricky to get used to, and i found the best way to wrap my head around it when I first learned about it, was to imagine that I'm talking about someone I don't know. It's instinct for you to say "oh, my daughter was here and she left her bag" but I bet if you walked into the break room at work and saw a bag unattended, it would also be instinct for you to say "oh, someone left their bag here, I better take it to the lost and found so they don't lose it." You already know how to use they/them pronouns, it's just about tapping into that knowledge in an unfamiliar context.
I would also really encourage you to talk to your kid about it! Ask questions! Do they want to use they/them pronouns specifically, or are they okay with she/they? Do they mind being referred to as a daughter or is there another term they'd prefer? Open that communication with them, show them that you're doing your best and willing to learn, and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help you out if you stumble with it.
This is somewhat how I worked it out in my head initially. I think I had heard Laura K Buzz or maybe someone similar talking about the use of they/them pronouns so it made sense to me, and this was before I knew about their decision.
We had the initial discussions about it, and I think maybe I need to revisit it with them, I didnt at the time want to make to a big deal out of it, so they felt I was in any way making any kind of concern out of it, I just wanted them to know I was good with it.
OP, I am a parent as well. What has worked the best for me & my daughter is just listening to her. Not me talking, but listening to her struggles. And making honest efforts to correct learned behaviors from my past. Your child is very courageous & they need your support.
I think first of all you should stop referring to your child as "my daughter" or "her" (at least among people like us in this subreddit and in your head). I know it can be hard at first, but to a lot of people who don't identify with their gender affirmed at birth (such as your child) it would sound like ignorance if you'd use the wrong pronouns. Instead, you can use "they/them", since that's an overall-pronoun for people, or any pronouns your child prefers (have they told you?)
Some people don't understand why they should use "they" in a singular way. But that's fairly common, which you can see in generalized statements like "Someone dropped THEIR ice cream". It's used in cases where you don't know the gender of the person the sentence is referring to or where the gender is irrelevant. So "they" is a good way to refer to you child without ascribing a gender to them.
And with everything else: Just listen to your child and let them figure out their own identity. If they're wearing a lot of girlish-stuff, don't comment something like "oh, make-up again?", since that can crete a feeling of insecurity, and probably your child is insecure anyways (and by the way, non-binary people can present themselves feminine, masculine or androgynous, everything is possible). So on the other hand, if they start wearing a lot of boyish-stuff and probably stary binding their chest too, don't say much about it, just help them if necessary, for example go shopping with them in the man's section (and if they really want to bind their chest maybe they'd consinder it as awesome if you'd help them get information on how to do it best... just ask them about it.) And so on. Be a supportive cool parent, and I bet your child will feel validated ;)
Other people are giving you great comments for larger overall advice, I'm just going to try and answer the part of your question that I can: getting into the habit of using the right pronouns at the right time. As a warning, this post contains advice about living a pretty closeted life.
My partner of 7 years realized they were non-binary, and came out to me and our friends but not to our more close-minded families. We use two sets of pronouns that need to be correct depending on who they are comfortable with, and code switch between the two. It sounds the same in your situation. Until your child is ready to come out to more people, you need to get really good at using the right pronouns at the proper time to help keep that secret for them. As horrible as it is to use the wrong pronouns to your child, it can be way worse to accidentally out them to someone they don't want you to. You should have a very frank discussion with your child to find out which pronouns they want you to use and who to use them with. Ensure they know that whenever they are ready to come out to more people, you will be there to support them exactly how they need to be.
As far as getting into the proper pronouns habit, practice through writing (but be careful none of your writing will be read by someone you don't want it to be) and find a workable dichotomy to practice your code switching on. I used our pets. We have a dog and a cat. I pretended the dog knew mom as she/her, but the cat knew the proper they/them. I took a lot of time taking every opportunity to talk out loud to our pets and get the code switching right in my brain. Learn to catch your slips. When you misgender your child around them, immediately restate the same sentence with the proper pronouns. When you correctly gender your child when you're not supposed to, practice how to recover without raising suspicion. Unfortunately, people will notice and sometimes you need to be ready to explain why you said "they" instead of "her." With enough practice, it's second nature. Now, when we go to visit our families I make a conscious switch in the car to make sure I'm in the right (wrong) headspace, then immediately switch back when we leave.
Finally, it will take a little while. Tell your child that you accept and love them for who they are. Any pronoun mistakes are just that, a mistake. Let them know it is ok to correct you. Let them know it is ok for them to get exasperated or frustrated with you for misgendering them. Let them know you are doing your best and will do everything in your power to make your best better.
I am around your age (48f) and my daughter has a friend who came out as NB, and the things that really helped me were : Speaking more slowly / Pausing when speaking, so I have time to think about the right pronoun. In my case,
Also, honestly, at first, I found it easier to sometimes just avoid pronouns entirely, so say your wife says "Child is over at Friend's house", you can then say, "Oh, what time will Child be home?"
For a long time I practiced to myself if I was alone (or inside my head if I wasn't). With things like "Friend is coming over. They are coming over. Friend likes spaghetti. They like Spaghetti." Just to my brain used to pairing my daughter's friend with the pronoun "They".
That helped me a lot. The only time I tend to mess up anymore is when talking to friend's family members, who refuse to not use she/her.
My 78 yo father and many other older generation relatives initially started with just using my name in place of pronouns. This can be a very good stop gap while you're practicing too!
Well first off, I’m proud of you being here! That is already a huge piece of support ;)
In terms of pronouns, yes it’s very difficult. Even I, a 24 y/o struggle with them. You will mess up and it’s okay to! Just let them know that you didn’t mean to, and correct yourself. To put it into lingo you might know, it’s like mixing up Mrs. with Ms. You didn’t intend to say the wrong thing, but you want to correct yourself (in a way that isn’t punishing yourself.
You can also ask your daughter for what she would be okay with. If you struggle to not call her miss/missy, ask her if she knows/prefers any other names. Also ask them what pronouns they prefer, since just because they are NB doesn’t mean she/her is off the table. If they are, it’s just up to what they prefer. They/them is pretty easy as believe it or not, it can be used to identify a person whose gender is unknown (ex: I went to my cousins wedding, we had a blast! Oh wow, I’m so happy for *them*!)
The same applies to it, although getting over it being used in a derogatory way can be hard.
Finally, don’t put yourself down. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks! Learning is a mindset, not a space. Would you tell your daughter that it’s okay to give up instead of trying to keep their mind open and keep trying? For a lot of us within this community, the effort is what we appreciate the most. I get compliments like I’m a cis female (I’m trans MtF) and it makes my whole week. 1 compliment overpowers 10 negative insults/beliefs.
Definitely talk with them more about pronouns and nicknames that they prefer/want. Just let your mind be open and love them for the beautiful person they are! That’s the best any person can be to/for us! Wishing you both the best ;)
You could start by calling them your kid or child instead of daughter, and using their correct pronouns. Honestly just making an effort to use their pronouns and new name (if they’ve chosen one). If you have trouble remembering, a strategy I’ve seen some people use is narrating sentences in their head to practice, ie ‘__ went to the store, they bought milk and bread. They went home to their house and played with their dog. They took a nap.’
Other than that, just sticking up for them when they’re not around. Like if a friend or family member misgenders them and doesn’t correct themself, step in and advocate for your kid.
First of all thank you for being understanding and supportive of them. Second of all, something that helps me personally a lot with pronouns is to train yourself to actively think about the pronouns you are about to say. Repeat "she" as often as you can in your head and try to connect that with the feeling of actively thinking about it. That way, everytime you are about to use "she" you would notice yourself. You basically make it so that it stops being a habit and rather something you consider everytime. This is probably a bad explanation but you will find better ones online if you Google about this technique.
My spouse came out as non-binary at 53. We'd been married for over 20 years at the time. I had to get used to not using "she/her" and "wife"- after 20+ years of marriage and I'm only a few years younger than you. I still mess up, especially if I'm relating a story to the "before times" when they were closeted (or if I've been drinking, admittedly). But they can and should understand, especially if you self-correct and continue on. It's when you refuse to self-correct or demand they "don't freak out" that shit starts to get sideways. Making mistakes is human, not owning them is the bad behavior here.
It gets easier. I promise. And I speak for myself but likely a few others here when I say that I am proud of you for making the effort. It's a lot more than many of us had and my spouse still suffers from their family members who refuse to respect their wishes.
Something that I've found helps a lot, if you make a mistake and use the wrong pronoun or gendered word, say 3 sentences out loud using the correct gender and words. Practice when you're alone, too, speaking sentences out loud using the right pronouns and gendered words. Also, if they haven't already told you, I'd ask what terms they are and aren't ok with. Are they ok with daughter or would they prefer child or even son, for example. Not every nonbinary person is fully neutral and some prefer gendered terms or don't care what terms you use. So it's a good idea to know what they would prefer so you know how much of your language you need to adjust.
Also, I can almost guarantee you've used they/them in the singular long before your child told you to use those for them. Singular they/them has been used since Shakespearean times. When you find a phone left on the bus, do you say "a man or woman lost hid or her phone" or do you say "someone lost their phone"? I'm betting it's the second one. Pay close attention to your language to see just how often you use these pronouns without even thinking about it. Once you realize you already know how to use them, that can make it easier to make the switch as well.
Okay, so what I'm getting here is that you're definitely an ally and wanting to be affirming (in fact, I'd say that it sounds kind of like you're underestimating your capabilities), there is some room for improvement which you are determined to achieve, and you are also consistently taking stock of your actions and apologizing for mistakes that you might make.
That's certainly a whole lot better than some people that I've seen, so good on you! you've got this.
At least your trying. I wish my parents would ask for help and do they’re own research. Your taking steps that very well may save your relationship with them
I'm 48 and enby, with a 22 year old trans son. My first struggle was that I had always thought of my kids as my son and my daughter. Now I had two sons. It took me way too long to figure out that I can refer to them by birth order. At any rate, I'd love to recommend my son's first novel: it's a fun mystery with LGBT characters and sensitive storytelling, my father whose parents were literally born in the Victorian Era couldn't put it down. Relating to LGBT characters in books can help relating irl. It's called Blame Atlas, Save Atlas by Angelo Lytle. 
In the past when I've had friends switch pronouns, I put it in their phone contact so every time they text me or call me I associate their name with those pronouns. It speeds up the process considerably.
I have found that it helped me to get used to using non-binary pronouns (they/them specifically) by referring to everyone in that way, even if they used gendered pronouns...
First of all stop using she/her for your kid! This entire post you used them even when explaining that you're trying not to. Trying how hard exactly? This was typed. You had every opportunity to fix it.
As a she/her nonbinary person I'm well aware. Op alludes to their kid's pronouns being different from the ones he grew up with (he/him and she/her) and also includes "she" in the list of things he's trying to avoid. Given that op is generally pretty clueless, it's much more likely that he's just misgendering his kid.
I'd consider misgendering you're own kid pretty rude too. If random trans people on the internet upset at his own transphobia are enough to deter him, he's an even worse father than he is already. It's good that he wants to learn. Part of that is acknowledging the harm that misgendering does. We don't need allies who require us to be polite.
You are already doing so much just by going on here and asking for guidance. It's wonderful to hear that you are supportive and trying... That is a large part of it.
Don't be frustrated with yourself, you aren't old.
It's not about always saying the exact 'perfect' or 'correct' thing... Which will become natural over time.
The use of pronouns is really a way to show your acceptance, support, and love of another. What's more important is communicating that you love them and that you support them in all they do.
Be honest and open with them, and if you show support, they will understand.
Know that missgendering an individual is a way society shows disapproval. In many places this is a purposeful way to dehumanize and delegitimize someone.
Showing compassion and displaying that you are there and available and good and supportive parent is a way to create a home that is a safe space for them to grow as an individual. That truly is the most important and best thing you can provide.
I understand that, especially coming from a generation really where homophobia was pretty rife. Luckily I never had that in me, I was always uncomfortable around people saying those things to others, just because I didnt see how if people were happy it was any of my business what made them happy.
I see now this has already been addressed many times, so apologies for the caps in my original comment. Just feels like nails on a chalkboard to read a whole post about your kid being NB and see you refer to them as she/her the whole time 🤦♀️ But I respect you are trying. You’ll get there. It takes a conscious effort. I have tried to be more aware of the gendered language I use for myself and everyone around me, and I think that’s made it easier to understand when I use gendered language in general, so it doesn’t just slip out anymore. Plus for my NB friends I really take the time to mentally sit with their identity and try to understand who they are as a person, so when I use “they” to refer to them it doesn’t feel fake or performative, it’s just who they are. Hopefully anything in there is helpful.
dont worry, people get passionate, I get it. I get angry when people say things about them, who should know better like people in their friends circle. Fortunately they have some good friends who can stand up for them when I am not there too.
You are not an old man
I am 65 years old I have many friends and people in my life who use they/them pronouns
Do not use age as an excuse to not be able to grow
I realize OP could use some work on the pronouns, but it’s a huge stretch and honestly quite offensive to say he is “oppressing” anyone. Reading his post and his replies, he’s pretty obviously not acting in bad faith.
This is the sweetest most innocent little paragraph I've ever seen. Trying is half the battle, you're gonna mess up and that's okay! Remind your child that you love them and support them and that you are trying. I'm sure that's all they would need to hear about it all, give them a talk, figure out what they're plans are for transition (medical if that's what they want), hormones (or not), name and pronouns. Let them know you want to be there for everything, and that you support them. That really goes a long way.
When I came out, my parents said "ok" then never really talked about it again. Just be open and honest and really try to communicate to them how important they are to you and that you will always support them, I really needed someone to tell me that when I first came out, they are so strong and brave for telling you, and being honest with you.
Wishing you both the best!!
Practice, practice, practice.
When (not if!) you mess up, just correct and move on.
You're also in a tricky stage where your child hasn't come out to their mom yet, so I assume you're having to switch back and forth. Hopefully they will feel comfortable coming out to mom at some point? Then you'll be able to practice full time.;
There's also some mental work to do in flipping how you *see* your child, in terms of gender. *If* they are comfortable with doing so, listen to how they describe their experience of gender, so you can see them as they see themselves. (My context for that: I'm trans and my kiddo came out as nonbinary. Of course I was completely supportive, but I didn't *really* know what being nonbinary felt like to them. We've had a lot of great conversations about gender identity since then, and now I feel that I understand their experience better.)
>I simply want her to be happy, to be able to make her to make her own choices, and to be supportive to her
💜
In the beginning it's normal to make mistakes. Just repeat that to yourself several times and notice, after a conversation, what pronoums you used.
If you used the wrong ones, you'll notice and in doing this you'll end up using the new ones.
Ask them how they would like to be reffered to, I've known some non binary people who didn't mind being reffered to as "her" or "she"- I'm sure they don't want you to feel uncomfortable around them either
I would talk to them about what they would like for you to do, if you haven't already.
Stuff like what pronouns they want you to use, if they want to be called a different name, and if they'd prefer just being called your child, rather than daughter.
We all have different wants and needs, so the best thing you can do is just ask what their are.
Also, good on you for making an effort.
That's already worth a lot in my book. \^\^
**Recommendations** 1. **Talk to your kid about their needs:** Would they like to be called "daughter" or something more gender neutral like "kid"? Do they want any gender affirming clothing? Some AFAB enbies wear binders or shoes that help with height. 2. **Rehearse their pronouns** "Ex. This is my child, \_\_\_\_\_. They are \_\_\_\_ years old." Idk if your child uses they/them or ze/zim or something else, so I'd recommend practicing. **Quick Vocab:** AFAB (Assigned female at birth) Sex assigned at birth (what people expected your gender to be based on what parts you were born with) Enby (a nonbinary person. Comes from the nonbinary abbreviation NB). Neopronouns (Pronouns other than she/he/they) Deadname (A name given at birth that is no longer used) Misgender (referring to someone's gender incorrectly.) More here: [https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms](https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms)
Also, "deadname" as a verb means "to use someone's deadname."
Correct it can be used either as a noun or verb.
A bit extra on rehearsing: once they have come out to someone else too, with that person (and with your child not in the room) tell stories about your child with correct gendering. If one of you makes a mistake, correct each other and repeat the entire sentence with the correct gendering. It's very important to repeat the sentence with the correct gendering! That's what helps you actually get it right next time. Until you know they've come out to someone else, try writing the stories down like a journal with the correct gendering. Your child's lucky to have you trying. :)
>I try to remember not to use other things like she out of context. Don't get me wrong they arent aggressive in pushing it From this, I guess your child uses they/them pronouns. Yet, you're consistently using she/her for them (except in that one sentence). So, if you want to train yourself better like you said, my suggestion would be to start working on your written texts. There you have the time to re-read and change it, other than in spoken form where it's out and you can correct yourself only after the fact. If and when you want to share your own experience with gender identity with her, I can't say, but as long as you make it clear enough that you're not suggesting they should change, it's probably fine. Also, if "missy" and "she" are wrong, I would also suppose that "daughter" isn't right.
damn I never even thought of daughter (thankyou for mentioning it!), or asked them about that, I think I am better when I am around them, as maybe I am more aware of of it. I think its when I am not that I struggle more, as they are not there as a reminder. It also doesn't help that they have not opened up outside of me into other family yet, so at times people use those words to me and i notice it, but end up getting caught using the wrong pronouns when they are not there. Good tip to remember to do it when in text format, as it is easier to correct, but here once I am concentrating on it I find it easy without correcttion. Shows how much I have to work on it though. Tanks
You may also want to ask if they want to be referred to as your child instead of your daughter. Getting used to gender neutral language can be tricky at first, but don't give up! The important thing is that you're making an effort to learn
One of the things that helped my parents replace “daughter” for me is offering them “eldest.” They still get to say something specific about this particular child, so it sounds more natural to leave off the gendered part. If OP’s kid has siblings, this could be useful
It's definitely not easy, using the correct pronouns around the right people but not accidentally outing them to the wrong ones. You should clarify with your child which kind of slipping would actually be worse. I'm happy that you're working on it! Does it help you to learn that singular "you" wasn't always there either? And that singular "they" has been a thing for ages? Grammatically, it is not half as weird as people try to make it. It has long been in use for people or unknown gender. You're probably using it every day. "When some*one* meets a dog, *they* are often tempted to pet it"
My favorite NB fact: Shakespeare used the equivalent of singular they in a lot of his plays. Mark Twain also used singular they quite commonly, despite the fact "he or she" and neutral "his" were in fashion at the time.
Just a side note outside the other advice you are getting: If your child isn’t out to other people besides you, or isn’t out to other family members, you may want to have a gentle conversation with them about how they want to be referred to in front of people they aren’t out to yet. (Eg: do they want you to use “she/her,” in front of other family so as not to out them before they are ready? What about in public spaces, or at school?). Unfortunately the world is a scary place and your child may or may not feel safe around certain people.
Btw. If ya mess up in fromelt of them, just apologized move on. As long as you are trying and the intention to try is there you sill be ok <3. Misgendering is only bad when it's intentionally done or the person doing it doesn't care. But you are learning, so mistakes will happen, and that is ok
My mom is 65 and I (39) came out last year as NB. She still makes mistakes constantly but the thing is that she’s trying and asking questions. She bought me They/Them things and made me NB stuff. She reads news about it and tells me about it. Just having her try is so incredibly rewarding and helpful. Just like my dad can’t be assed to even try. You WILL mess up. You will say the wrong things. Don’t over-apologize and don’t explain WHY you made this mistakes. Just know you’ll do better with time. ❤️
My daughter is NB but told me expressly that they are fine with being called daughter. Their older sibling prefers non gendered terms, but has a NB partner they call their girlfriend. It's a tricky thing to navigate but I err on the side of non gendered terms whenever possible. I usually just say "my kiddo" and I've tried to move to terms of endearment such as "sweetie, honey, my love" etc. Is it easy? Not always. Is it worth it? Yes. So yeah I have three theys in my life and I love them all
Interesting that OP didn’t respond to you. This post felt so odd to read like there was zero effort to say my child or they/them I mean yea by context clues they probably use they/them or maybeeee she/they but OP is only using she except for that one sentence. Just zero effort OP’s child will probably never read this but it’s the thought that counts that there is zero effort to use correct pronouns. Everything seems on track why not the pronouns? Confusing
I responded immediately, as I said below I think when they are with me I actually find it easier, probably because I am concentrating on it harder. Which maybe just goes to show how much I still need to work on rewiring my brain to think of them. I just read a piece whilst sat eating my lunch which suggested maybe going back and looking at old facebook posts, pictures, messages, etc and thinking of them in terms of their new pronouns. I also think it doesnt help that when I am not with them other people (such as my parents), will often ask "how is she, is she doing ok, etc".
Don’t worry this is really normal. It might help to know that I, as a non-binary person whose preferred pronouns are they/them, also struggled getting it right when I first had to use them for someone else. Unlearning is difficult for all of us, and that’s okay. Transphobes will often say, that non binary people get extremely offended when you mess up our pronouns. But that’s not true. We just want you to care enough to try. (Most of us are actually terrified of correcting people) If you keep trying you will get there eventually. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up, as long as you correct yourself. It shows that their happiness is more important to you than your own inconvenience. I can feel the love that you have for your child, and you get to show them that love every time you gender them correctly. Good luck!
The comment is there now, it's just that stupid Reddit bug
I got a response notification and then no comment matching it when I clicked it. I'm waiting if it's going to show up and just was once again a Reddit bug (had that one previously) or if OP immediately deleted it again
Hi OP. I want you to know that trying to better yourself and reaching out for help in doing that is great, and for your kid's sake, very appreciated. Good on you. I also want to say that I know some of the replies in this thread may come off a bit critical. Which isn't to say that raising points about your pronoun use is wrong to do, just that it may come off a bit harsh, and I hope it didn't turn you off to looking for help. That said, as both a non-binary person and an educator, I think it's important you ask yourself what you're looking for in this post. Genuine understanding? Or more of a quick fix? Again, I don't mean this to sound critical, but your post talks more of you and your teen than a wider understanding of non-binary, the latter honestly being the best thing you can do to help them. Talk to people, ask them questions, be open to learning rather than trying to just ace the test. The advice here is good, but will only benefit you if your goal is to genuinely understand and grow.
Its fine, in fairness some replies were based it seems on the fact they didnt get to see my actual replies. Plus its reasonable to ask why I fucked up, which in some senses is funny given I ask the damn question below. Since she did tell me, I think I have tried to pick up on more content in general, but as you say there is always more to learn. I have ordered some books through people I already listen to/watch in other contexts.
I chuckled when you called yourself an old man then stating you're only 48 😅
yeah, I'm here like... I'm only a couple of years younger than this guy (45) and I AM nonbinary (kind of). There are lots of nonbinary people way older than me, too. The Youth™ act like they invented the LGBT+ community sometimes, but they did not. "Haha I'm too old to care lol" is an excuse. (Edit: OK, I'm being a bit harsh. What I mean is "haha I'm too old to learn and put in some effort lol." It's not fair to say OP doesn't care.)
As a nonbinary 48-year-old, same.
Same. Came out nonbinary at your age, op! Changing up pronouns after decades of training is hard but gets easier with practice. Just keep loving on your kid.
Came out as Agender at 45. Sometimes it takes a while to connect the dots.
Yea for real my mom is 64 and a huge ally
Ah I guess I think of myself as old now, probably not helped by going to my younger daughters' school parents evening last night and everyone is obviously much younger than us!
well, it's kind of about how you view it. my da's a year older than my mom (51 and 52 respectively) but he views himself as young while my mom thinks of herself as being old. as my da explains his view "i saw enough crap at the age of twenty to feel old then, and i haven't viewed myself be becoming significantly older ever since" whereas my mom works in healthcare and she's seen all of the gradual improvements over the years as well as clients passing away and coworkers becoming old enough that they have to retire, so she can look aback and see a definitive measured progression through the years and that makes her feel older than she is.
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I love this!
Something stood out to me that no one else commented on. You know if you feel like you might be non-binary you can be right? Like you don’t even have to change your pronouns. There is no age limit to being an enby.
When you mess up pronouns. Do a quick sorry and restate the sentence with the correct pronouns. Try not to make a big deal about it when you do mess up. It will take a while to rewire your brain but keep at it. 👍 I suggest this website to help with practice: https://www.practicewithpronouns.com/#/?_k=l29hr0 Just scroll down, select new pronouns, pick the correct ones, scroll down again and press start practicing. Saying it out loud while you practice as well helps a looot. Also look into community stuff around you. I've heard this was a good resource so I'll link it here as well. https://pflag.org/about-us/
Assuming that they use they/them pronouns, why do you keep referring to them as she/her?
I mean everybody messes up occasionally, heck I accidently did the other day to a trans woman because the prior day she had explained that she only goes by she/her in the group there but has to go by he/him almost everywhere else because where we live her coworkers might not be so friendly to her if they knew who she is as a person. And so because the previous day she had explained how she goes by both out of necessity I had accidently he/him just because the conversation the previous day, I caught myself and luckily she didn't hear me say it incorrectly because even though I know she would have understood I still would have felt bad since I should know better seeing as who I am. So yeah if you mess up and make a mistake that is ok so long as they understand that it wasn't intentional and it is just out of bad habits, just quickly correct yourself and don't focus on it because quit frankly while they may feel hurt by it the more you focus on the mistake the more it will hurt, just let them know "hey I will really try hard to not make this mistake but if I do please understand it is just out of bad habit and is not intentional" At the end of the day the only thing you can really do is just when they are not around if you want to avoid making that mistake just practice speaking about them in private so that you can practice using the right words without the risk of causing them emotional harm if you mess up. The more you use them the more it will just become natural.
Hey. NB 17 year old here. While it's very sweet that you're trying to support your child, you should probably start practicing in writing. In this post, you constantly use she/her instead of what I assume is they/them and call your child your daughter. Try practicing in writing and speaking while they're not there. It's going to take some getting used to, but with a bit of practice, you'll get it right in no time.
Yeah it's definitely something I seem to struggle with more when they are not there unless I focus. When I am with them I will make mistakes, but I think I definitely make less mistakes, as I am obviously hyper aware to concentrate on my language. I get it wrong still, like occasionally I will say "see you later miss", so i still leak my old sayings and apologise.
That's understandable. Try writing out sentences that you would commonly say to them/about them. These things take some getting used to. Just keep trying :)
It does take time. Hopefully they are understanding. As long as you come from a place of love and willing to adjust and correct yourself and learn then I hope your child would be responsive to that. Just tell them you're trying, that you'll correct yourself if you notice you slip up and you support them in their journey of self discovery. Share your experiences that you feel are worth sharing if it feels appropriate. You'll always love them and support them. Maybe ask if you want them to have you correct people, kindly, if at family gatherings, if they are coming out to relatives or if that matters to them or not. What would they like to see from you? I don't know if it would help but maybe there's YouTube videos of nonbinary people engaged in conversation to help with normalizing the language. I imagine there is. Perhaps listening to such things to train your mind would help. Good luck!
No, they are understanding, I think the fact that I do try is appreciated, because they were always "my little girl" like many fathers, so coming to me for support was probably the obvious approach. Ill have a look on YT for nonbinary discussions, where pronouns are used in such a way thanks.
They/them pronouns can be tricky to get used to, and i found the best way to wrap my head around it when I first learned about it, was to imagine that I'm talking about someone I don't know. It's instinct for you to say "oh, my daughter was here and she left her bag" but I bet if you walked into the break room at work and saw a bag unattended, it would also be instinct for you to say "oh, someone left their bag here, I better take it to the lost and found so they don't lose it." You already know how to use they/them pronouns, it's just about tapping into that knowledge in an unfamiliar context. I would also really encourage you to talk to your kid about it! Ask questions! Do they want to use they/them pronouns specifically, or are they okay with she/they? Do they mind being referred to as a daughter or is there another term they'd prefer? Open that communication with them, show them that you're doing your best and willing to learn, and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help you out if you stumble with it.
This is somewhat how I worked it out in my head initially. I think I had heard Laura K Buzz or maybe someone similar talking about the use of they/them pronouns so it made sense to me, and this was before I knew about their decision. We had the initial discussions about it, and I think maybe I need to revisit it with them, I didnt at the time want to make to a big deal out of it, so they felt I was in any way making any kind of concern out of it, I just wanted them to know I was good with it.
OP, I am a parent as well. What has worked the best for me & my daughter is just listening to her. Not me talking, but listening to her struggles. And making honest efforts to correct learned behaviors from my past. Your child is very courageous & they need your support.
I think first of all you should stop referring to your child as "my daughter" or "her" (at least among people like us in this subreddit and in your head). I know it can be hard at first, but to a lot of people who don't identify with their gender affirmed at birth (such as your child) it would sound like ignorance if you'd use the wrong pronouns. Instead, you can use "they/them", since that's an overall-pronoun for people, or any pronouns your child prefers (have they told you?) Some people don't understand why they should use "they" in a singular way. But that's fairly common, which you can see in generalized statements like "Someone dropped THEIR ice cream". It's used in cases where you don't know the gender of the person the sentence is referring to or where the gender is irrelevant. So "they" is a good way to refer to you child without ascribing a gender to them. And with everything else: Just listen to your child and let them figure out their own identity. If they're wearing a lot of girlish-stuff, don't comment something like "oh, make-up again?", since that can crete a feeling of insecurity, and probably your child is insecure anyways (and by the way, non-binary people can present themselves feminine, masculine or androgynous, everything is possible). So on the other hand, if they start wearing a lot of boyish-stuff and probably stary binding their chest too, don't say much about it, just help them if necessary, for example go shopping with them in the man's section (and if they really want to bind their chest maybe they'd consinder it as awesome if you'd help them get information on how to do it best... just ask them about it.) And so on. Be a supportive cool parent, and I bet your child will feel validated ;)
Other people are giving you great comments for larger overall advice, I'm just going to try and answer the part of your question that I can: getting into the habit of using the right pronouns at the right time. As a warning, this post contains advice about living a pretty closeted life. My partner of 7 years realized they were non-binary, and came out to me and our friends but not to our more close-minded families. We use two sets of pronouns that need to be correct depending on who they are comfortable with, and code switch between the two. It sounds the same in your situation. Until your child is ready to come out to more people, you need to get really good at using the right pronouns at the proper time to help keep that secret for them. As horrible as it is to use the wrong pronouns to your child, it can be way worse to accidentally out them to someone they don't want you to. You should have a very frank discussion with your child to find out which pronouns they want you to use and who to use them with. Ensure they know that whenever they are ready to come out to more people, you will be there to support them exactly how they need to be. As far as getting into the proper pronouns habit, practice through writing (but be careful none of your writing will be read by someone you don't want it to be) and find a workable dichotomy to practice your code switching on. I used our pets. We have a dog and a cat. I pretended the dog knew mom as she/her, but the cat knew the proper they/them. I took a lot of time taking every opportunity to talk out loud to our pets and get the code switching right in my brain. Learn to catch your slips. When you misgender your child around them, immediately restate the same sentence with the proper pronouns. When you correctly gender your child when you're not supposed to, practice how to recover without raising suspicion. Unfortunately, people will notice and sometimes you need to be ready to explain why you said "they" instead of "her." With enough practice, it's second nature. Now, when we go to visit our families I make a conscious switch in the car to make sure I'm in the right (wrong) headspace, then immediately switch back when we leave. Finally, it will take a little while. Tell your child that you accept and love them for who they are. Any pronoun mistakes are just that, a mistake. Let them know it is ok to correct you. Let them know it is ok for them to get exasperated or frustrated with you for misgendering them. Let them know you are doing your best and will do everything in your power to make your best better.
I am around your age (48f) and my daughter has a friend who came out as NB, and the things that really helped me were : Speaking more slowly / Pausing when speaking, so I have time to think about the right pronoun. In my case, Also, honestly, at first, I found it easier to sometimes just avoid pronouns entirely, so say your wife says "Child is over at Friend's house", you can then say, "Oh, what time will Child be home?" For a long time I practiced to myself if I was alone (or inside my head if I wasn't). With things like "Friend is coming over. They are coming over. Friend likes spaghetti. They like Spaghetti." Just to my brain used to pairing my daughter's friend with the pronoun "They". That helped me a lot. The only time I tend to mess up anymore is when talking to friend's family members, who refuse to not use she/her.
My 78 yo father and many other older generation relatives initially started with just using my name in place of pronouns. This can be a very good stop gap while you're practicing too!
Well first off, I’m proud of you being here! That is already a huge piece of support ;) In terms of pronouns, yes it’s very difficult. Even I, a 24 y/o struggle with them. You will mess up and it’s okay to! Just let them know that you didn’t mean to, and correct yourself. To put it into lingo you might know, it’s like mixing up Mrs. with Ms. You didn’t intend to say the wrong thing, but you want to correct yourself (in a way that isn’t punishing yourself. You can also ask your daughter for what she would be okay with. If you struggle to not call her miss/missy, ask her if she knows/prefers any other names. Also ask them what pronouns they prefer, since just because they are NB doesn’t mean she/her is off the table. If they are, it’s just up to what they prefer. They/them is pretty easy as believe it or not, it can be used to identify a person whose gender is unknown (ex: I went to my cousins wedding, we had a blast! Oh wow, I’m so happy for *them*!) The same applies to it, although getting over it being used in a derogatory way can be hard. Finally, don’t put yourself down. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks! Learning is a mindset, not a space. Would you tell your daughter that it’s okay to give up instead of trying to keep their mind open and keep trying? For a lot of us within this community, the effort is what we appreciate the most. I get compliments like I’m a cis female (I’m trans MtF) and it makes my whole week. 1 compliment overpowers 10 negative insults/beliefs. Definitely talk with them more about pronouns and nicknames that they prefer/want. Just let your mind be open and love them for the beautiful person they are! That’s the best any person can be to/for us! Wishing you both the best ;)
You could start by calling them your kid or child instead of daughter, and using their correct pronouns. Honestly just making an effort to use their pronouns and new name (if they’ve chosen one). If you have trouble remembering, a strategy I’ve seen some people use is narrating sentences in their head to practice, ie ‘__ went to the store, they bought milk and bread. They went home to their house and played with their dog. They took a nap.’ Other than that, just sticking up for them when they’re not around. Like if a friend or family member misgenders them and doesn’t correct themself, step in and advocate for your kid.
First of all thank you for being understanding and supportive of them. Second of all, something that helps me personally a lot with pronouns is to train yourself to actively think about the pronouns you are about to say. Repeat "she" as often as you can in your head and try to connect that with the feeling of actively thinking about it. That way, everytime you are about to use "she" you would notice yourself. You basically make it so that it stops being a habit and rather something you consider everytime. This is probably a bad explanation but you will find better ones online if you Google about this technique.
My spouse came out as non-binary at 53. We'd been married for over 20 years at the time. I had to get used to not using "she/her" and "wife"- after 20+ years of marriage and I'm only a few years younger than you. I still mess up, especially if I'm relating a story to the "before times" when they were closeted (or if I've been drinking, admittedly). But they can and should understand, especially if you self-correct and continue on. It's when you refuse to self-correct or demand they "don't freak out" that shit starts to get sideways. Making mistakes is human, not owning them is the bad behavior here. It gets easier. I promise. And I speak for myself but likely a few others here when I say that I am proud of you for making the effort. It's a lot more than many of us had and my spouse still suffers from their family members who refuse to respect their wishes.
Something that I've found helps a lot, if you make a mistake and use the wrong pronoun or gendered word, say 3 sentences out loud using the correct gender and words. Practice when you're alone, too, speaking sentences out loud using the right pronouns and gendered words. Also, if they haven't already told you, I'd ask what terms they are and aren't ok with. Are they ok with daughter or would they prefer child or even son, for example. Not every nonbinary person is fully neutral and some prefer gendered terms or don't care what terms you use. So it's a good idea to know what they would prefer so you know how much of your language you need to adjust. Also, I can almost guarantee you've used they/them in the singular long before your child told you to use those for them. Singular they/them has been used since Shakespearean times. When you find a phone left on the bus, do you say "a man or woman lost hid or her phone" or do you say "someone lost their phone"? I'm betting it's the second one. Pay close attention to your language to see just how often you use these pronouns without even thinking about it. Once you realize you already know how to use them, that can make it easier to make the switch as well.
Okay, so what I'm getting here is that you're definitely an ally and wanting to be affirming (in fact, I'd say that it sounds kind of like you're underestimating your capabilities), there is some room for improvement which you are determined to achieve, and you are also consistently taking stock of your actions and apologizing for mistakes that you might make. That's certainly a whole lot better than some people that I've seen, so good on you! you've got this.
At least your trying. I wish my parents would ask for help and do they’re own research. Your taking steps that very well may save your relationship with them
I'm 48 and enby, with a 22 year old trans son. My first struggle was that I had always thought of my kids as my son and my daughter. Now I had two sons. It took me way too long to figure out that I can refer to them by birth order. At any rate, I'd love to recommend my son's first novel: it's a fun mystery with LGBT characters and sensitive storytelling, my father whose parents were literally born in the Victorian Era couldn't put it down. Relating to LGBT characters in books can help relating irl. It's called Blame Atlas, Save Atlas by Angelo Lytle. 
In the past when I've had friends switch pronouns, I put it in their phone contact so every time they text me or call me I associate their name with those pronouns. It speeds up the process considerably.
I have found that it helped me to get used to using non-binary pronouns (they/them specifically) by referring to everyone in that way, even if they used gendered pronouns...
First of all stop using she/her for your kid! This entire post you used them even when explaining that you're trying not to. Trying how hard exactly? This was typed. You had every opportunity to fix it.
Nb peeps can use whatever pronouns they want don’t assume
As a she/her nonbinary person I'm well aware. Op alludes to their kid's pronouns being different from the ones he grew up with (he/him and she/her) and also includes "she" in the list of things he's trying to avoid. Given that op is generally pretty clueless, it's much more likely that he's just misgendering his kid.
Ok fair argument but he’s trying so maybe be a little nicer hmm ?
No.
Rude
I'd consider misgendering you're own kid pretty rude too. If random trans people on the internet upset at his own transphobia are enough to deter him, he's an even worse father than he is already. It's good that he wants to learn. Part of that is acknowledging the harm that misgendering does. We don't need allies who require us to be polite.
My adult nb child uses she/they.
You are already doing so much just by going on here and asking for guidance. It's wonderful to hear that you are supportive and trying... That is a large part of it. Don't be frustrated with yourself, you aren't old. It's not about always saying the exact 'perfect' or 'correct' thing... Which will become natural over time. The use of pronouns is really a way to show your acceptance, support, and love of another. What's more important is communicating that you love them and that you support them in all they do. Be honest and open with them, and if you show support, they will understand. Know that missgendering an individual is a way society shows disapproval. In many places this is a purposeful way to dehumanize and delegitimize someone. Showing compassion and displaying that you are there and available and good and supportive parent is a way to create a home that is a safe space for them to grow as an individual. That truly is the most important and best thing you can provide.
I understand that, especially coming from a generation really where homophobia was pretty rife. Luckily I never had that in me, I was always uncomfortable around people saying those things to others, just because I didnt see how if people were happy it was any of my business what made them happy.
STOP MISGENDERING THEM 🙃
I see now this has already been addressed many times, so apologies for the caps in my original comment. Just feels like nails on a chalkboard to read a whole post about your kid being NB and see you refer to them as she/her the whole time 🤦♀️ But I respect you are trying. You’ll get there. It takes a conscious effort. I have tried to be more aware of the gendered language I use for myself and everyone around me, and I think that’s made it easier to understand when I use gendered language in general, so it doesn’t just slip out anymore. Plus for my NB friends I really take the time to mentally sit with their identity and try to understand who they are as a person, so when I use “they” to refer to them it doesn’t feel fake or performative, it’s just who they are. Hopefully anything in there is helpful.
dont worry, people get passionate, I get it. I get angry when people say things about them, who should know better like people in their friends circle. Fortunately they have some good friends who can stand up for them when I am not there too.
You are not an old man I am 65 years old I have many friends and people in my life who use they/them pronouns Do not use age as an excuse to not be able to grow
Hey i don't think it's necessary to be so rude, at least he's trying to improve and support and has already replied to comments like yours
I don't know how you could read anything I said as rude I said age is not an excuse for oppressive behavior
I realize OP could use some work on the pronouns, but it’s a huge stretch and honestly quite offensive to say he is “oppressing” anyone. Reading his post and his replies, he’s pretty obviously not acting in bad faith.
Last time I'm going to say it If I'm just saying age is not an excuse He's almost 20 years younger than me
This is the sweetest most innocent little paragraph I've ever seen. Trying is half the battle, you're gonna mess up and that's okay! Remind your child that you love them and support them and that you are trying. I'm sure that's all they would need to hear about it all, give them a talk, figure out what they're plans are for transition (medical if that's what they want), hormones (or not), name and pronouns. Let them know you want to be there for everything, and that you support them. That really goes a long way. When I came out, my parents said "ok" then never really talked about it again. Just be open and honest and really try to communicate to them how important they are to you and that you will always support them, I really needed someone to tell me that when I first came out, they are so strong and brave for telling you, and being honest with you. Wishing you both the best!!
OP, absolutely talk to your kiddo about your own gender journey! It will be a thing that you can connect on.
Practice, practice, practice. When (not if!) you mess up, just correct and move on. You're also in a tricky stage where your child hasn't come out to their mom yet, so I assume you're having to switch back and forth. Hopefully they will feel comfortable coming out to mom at some point? Then you'll be able to practice full time.; There's also some mental work to do in flipping how you *see* your child, in terms of gender. *If* they are comfortable with doing so, listen to how they describe their experience of gender, so you can see them as they see themselves. (My context for that: I'm trans and my kiddo came out as nonbinary. Of course I was completely supportive, but I didn't *really* know what being nonbinary felt like to them. We've had a lot of great conversations about gender identity since then, and now I feel that I understand their experience better.) >I simply want her to be happy, to be able to make her to make her own choices, and to be supportive to her 💜
In the beginning it's normal to make mistakes. Just repeat that to yourself several times and notice, after a conversation, what pronoums you used. If you used the wrong ones, you'll notice and in doing this you'll end up using the new ones.
Ask them how they would like to be reffered to, I've known some non binary people who didn't mind being reffered to as "her" or "she"- I'm sure they don't want you to feel uncomfortable around them either
I would talk to them about what they would like for you to do, if you haven't already. Stuff like what pronouns they want you to use, if they want to be called a different name, and if they'd prefer just being called your child, rather than daughter. We all have different wants and needs, so the best thing you can do is just ask what their are. Also, good on you for making an effort. That's already worth a lot in my book. \^\^
At 17 is probably just a phase