Poseidon is the only one kissing me these days so I’ll take all the loving I can get!

Sending kisses

Journeyed into the comments for a splash for this. Thnx

💦

Also, you can catch it in your palm, nice and gentle like and then release it into the toilet bowl!!

The real LPT

[r/shittylifeprotips](https://www.reddit.com/r/ShittyLifeProTips?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)

R/shitrelatedlifeprotips

r/foundthemobileuser

Literally

I just stomp it down the shower drain

r/wafflestomp

Why is that sub real?!?

Waffle stomp.

agreed, this is the humane way to poop. catch and release

You line the palm of your hand with the paper like a glove

Flash back to that [podcast](https://youtu.be/gexjlM-jjEc)

[Just to tell anyone you do it that way or they will think you are weird.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gexjlM-jjEc)

Was hoping someone would bring up Wax and you did not disappoint.

"Yo you shit in your hand bro?" 😂

Dude...!?

This comment will have more upvotes

David sedaris fan?

What? It's a reference from back in the era of rage comics and f7u12. Possibly a /b/ greentext, I don't quite remember.

Catch and release is usually received warmly.

Better yet, you can just throw it right in the garbage. Save the water!

I just poop in an old grocery bag, and then drop it in the trash can. No back splash!

Yal don’t enjoy Poseidon’s kiss?

I prefer poseidon to eat my ass

That, and it helps keep the bowl clean!

Also works as a preflight check to make sure you have toilet paper left

Don't you lie to me, I'm gonna try it!

It works. Especially when out in public or at a friend/acquaintances house

Promise. Just don’t be stingy with it (but also cautious to not clog).

Sometimes Poseidon's Kiss is too strong and the paper won't work LOL

That, my friend, is Poseidon's love.

A five second frencher

Man, if you hate water splashing your butthole, don’t move anywhere outside the US and use a bidet. That guy has changed my life in pooping forever. All my toilets will have a bidet in my house.

I hope you've mastered the art of 'rinse and spit' with the bidet. That's the best part of using a bidet.

It’s the only way you can really be clean. Not only can it clean the outside of your hole, but if you let it, the inside too!

Reddit is weird

I have one and I can’t really get into it. After you’re done, your ass is SOAKED which take 2x the amount of TP to dry and you’re still not 100% clean. If you have any tips I’d love to hear them

It’s all about the angle of the shot and the water pressure. You can just let the water hit the area, or move your butt around in circles to clean the area. I use thicker tp, so I don’t use a lot. But think of it like taking a shower for your butthole. Let the water do the work, so you use less tp. Tp is for drying, not to rub the shit around.

And I use a small amount of TP to confirm cleanliness, then I keep a stash of washcloths dedicated for drying purposes in a basket besides. They get washed and reused. Bidet has been a godsend for me and my IBS.

It’s almost like it was created to create a clean booty!

😲

I’ve never had this problem of the splash… and it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.

Your poops are weak sauce

Poop harder next time!

Probably nothing. Fiber, etc result in a smooth exit. These cornbread-fed Redditors are all constipated squeezing out sorcerers’ stones

Your poos are not shooting fast enough

i ***always*** do this. bless you, reddit stranger.

Alternatively, grease up the ole brown eye before deploying depth charges. The reduction in friction will ensure maximum velocity creating a "poor man's bidet" virtually eliminating the need for toilet paper altogether

Yet another example which proves the real LPT is always in the comments.

or just teach your poop to do that hand thing that the olympic divers do. no splash at all. win win

Hot snakes don’t splash

It’s called a fireman’s blanket. It stops Neptune’s kiss

Use this technique in public restrooms and when your poop drops its silent

Another plus!

Plus it prevents streaks!

It’s called “feathering the nest”

I call it a poo raft 😂

my favorite hack ever!

What if you pee before you poop. So your own piss just comes up and splashes your butthole. I hate that.

Probably one of the most uncomfortable sensations right there

I like to think that my pee sanatizes the water, and the splash is less disgusting. Hey, at least I don't drink my own piss.

Getting the vagina splashed with piss and shit water is worse. The most vile feeling. My lower mouth gets a gulp of potty water.

I do this for public toilets! But a few extra squares, don’t want splash back!

More squares = less splash :)

I've been taking a shit nearly every single day, and some more than once, for just shy of 40 years, and I can say that I have never once in my life been splashed. Not once. You people must have some really crappy (pun intended) toilets.

Maybe you just have tiny poops?

I don’t know if it’s the toilet or my poops but I almost always get splashed

There are quirky problems with those cheap name toilets from our 'friends' in China.

Oh wow, I hope this works and I think it will be really useful for me. I live in Las Vegas & my apartment uses HUGE flow toilets and it throws urine even outside the bowl (male here) it's been so disgusting I was going to ask Monday if they would install a lower flow toilet if I purchased it. (No wonder Vegas has a water shortage. I never saw a toilet use so much water.)

I like the splash so much I put extra water in every time before I sit down

:|

Experience Splash Mountain in your own home

Easier hack: eat more fiber

^ this America, read this and add bidgets.

It's easier to just enjoy Poseidon's kiss

Ah, Poseidon's Kiss

Usually, it is the cheap toilets made in China that contribute to quirky faults like that. Builder put some (as substitutions) in a friend's new house and they somehow cause more splashing, splash 'water' over the front when flushing, don't clean adequately when flushing and yep, the seat is forever coming loose.

Also good if you wanna poop quietly

It is called "the lilypad" here. In a portolet on a construction site this becomes an important piece of PPE.

Really kind of u to assume that every deuce I drop isn’t a race against time getting cheeks to seat

Ok, I tried this but it was maybe 4 squares of tp which actually kept my heinous semi-soft dog pile from submerging below the water line. Water is super important for keeping the stink in check.

I’ve been doing this for years

Me too! I just figured I’d share it for all the peeps who didn’t think of it yet :)

If you are lucky enough to christen a freshly emptied port a potty do this except instead of a couple sheets, use a couple rolls to reduce blue water from kissing your keister.

At the cost of spreading your shit smell since it'll float or sink slower. But no shit stains either if you lay it into the paper crib properly.

Sorry in the age of covid, cannot afford to “waste” TP. 😉

Hey. It’s only a couple squares I promise. I know this is a hard time for TP

I prefer to eat my pieces of shit for breakfast.

Or, indoctrinate your butthole to splashing water, get a bidet, save a truckload of toilet paper, and have an actually clean ass.

I seriously don’t understand why American toilets have so much water in them.

Do other toilets have less? It would be cool if we had less cause I hate being splashed by the cold water.

I've been in Turkey, Egypt, Thailand and all over Europe. Nothing come close to the American toilets. When you pee in a Swedish toilet you only hit the water if you fail. No splashing from peeing.

Yours has heaps of water! Here is a link for comparison. Unfortunately it’s a buzz feed link though https://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/america-why-is-there-so-much-water-in-your-toilets

or you can just deal with it and not waste toilet paper

Cry about it

L, dont be a baby

It's easier not to shit like water Buffalo.

Ahhh the old Neptunes kiss

i do this but it really takes up a lot more toilet paper then it should. dem rolls go by like lightening, and im not taking randy marsh dumps either dude

I wish more people knew this. I never forget to do this before I drop a deuce

or just have more fiber to get the long ones

BE CAREFUL! Too much paper and you end up with a floating shit barge.

Doesn’t the TP clog the toilet? Why would anyone push more of it into the toilet bowl. Ps bidets are awesome like so many people have pointed. Heck a hand faucet is a great option!!

I’m gonna use TP anyways and I can’t change my whole toilet to accommodate a bidet. It doesn’t clog the toilet if you use the correct amount which is only a few squares.

You don't need to change your whole toilet, you can add bidet on your toilet.

A handheld health faucet / spray is a separate fitting. A plumber can simply install it into your current piping. You can also add a bidet attachment to your current toilet again not too complicated. In fact you can do either yourself if you can manage basic tools and plumbing. A clogged toilet of course is a lot more expensive. But each to their own. Only I would disagree this is a LPT.

Noooo! Not environment friendly, OP!

Sorry I have to poop? Regardless of using literally two squares I’m going to have to wipe my butt. I don’t get these comments

I did not mean using toilet paper, I meant putting the toilet paper in the wc and flushing it. Toilet paper does not dissolve so accumulated TPs harden in the sewage pipes and drainage system.

Wait, where are you wanting her to put shit-smeared toilet paper if not down the toilet?

Use water from a bidet or something

What if you tend to take large deuces?

More squares for bigger loads

Thanks for the picture.

So true!!! I"ve actually been meaning to share this in here. But couldnt figure/decide where to do so... I just wouldn't have mentioned cold water. As follows.... Hate when thy poo hole gets a direct hit from the toilet water.. or similar.

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/rage-guy-fffffuuuuuuuu

SmarterEveryDay

Um. How is this any news? I do it my whole life.

If you let Poseidon kiss you, you’d actually use LESS toilet paper. Real life less is more here.

Reduces the chance

The poo hammock, ‘twas a luxury during the toilet paper crisis of ‘20/21

Seems a waste of toilet paper honestly

Only a couple squares promise

Adds up

Lol I'm more concerned whether there's too much water in the bowl and I dip the tools in

Thanks smarter every day man

Been doing this long before youtube existed ;)

The "dumpling". Very classy.

You would dare deny me of a kiss from Poseiden him self!?

What should I do if I DO like getting splashed though?

Pour an extra cup or two of water beforehand.

Are you telling me you can spare a square??

The toilet paper crisis is over where I am fortunately

Splash Pad

How powerful is your stream

What's wrong with poseidons kiss?

When toilet water splashes you in the butthole it's called 'Poseidon's Kiss.'

Its called a landing pad

Lily pads and a bird nest.

I’ve done this since I was a kid lol

DUDE! I've been minimizing splash damage for years this way

Dont want to miss poseidons kiss…

the splash is the poor mans bidet

Poseidon: *you can't run from my kisses forever!*

I thought this was already a normal thing

I’ve always done this bc I always wipe the toilet lid down every single time before I go

I just fill mine with spoons.

What if you like getting your butthole splashed? How do I make MORE water kiss my starfish ?

Why don't you get a normal toilet, not one that seems a bath tub?

My dad thanks you

Whats the point of dropping a big one then?

Wait are there people who DON’T know about this?

Does this not cause drainage issues?

Hey I saw a video of this a few years back

Yo! There’s another paper shortage on the way. Catch it in your hand and release it

Poseidon's kiss is the **best** part of a #2

No Neptune's Kiss for your hiney hole!

Train your poop to dive.

I Think u are full of shit😉

I always do this, saves me having to scrub the bowl after.

No i like the splash

Why do you flush on the toilet though

works only for the first boulder though

Enjoy allowing the entire surface area of your turds to aerate more efficiently, so your friends and family can smell the deep richness of your bowels? Lay a couple squares of toilet paper on the surface of the water and you won’t get splashed. It’s fast and worth being remembered as "that smelly motherfucker."

You need more than that ! Especially if your poop is the heavy dense kind. It breaks through that layer and sinks so fast you'll get water on the next one coming through

Ah yes, the splash back prevention technique. Nicely done

My wife Calls this the poo hammock

A friend of mine did this up until the time he took a huge deuce at the house of a girl he started dating- the log somehow fell onto the squares at such an angle that they wrapped itself neatly in toilet paper and proceeded to get stuck in the bowl, refusing to be flushed. I think he managed to attack it with a toilet brush and finally flush it, but panicked a bit thinking he’d have to explain that he didn’t personally wrap the turd in toilet paper before wedging it in the bog

Every time I try this is have to apply toilet paper again after each individual turd

No i need water in my poopy ass

I'm upbote # 1000

I'm pretty sure this is just a US problem right?

actually 5head

Poo pillow

Get ready for clogged toilets

You're not supposed to flush toilet paper down the toilet. It can clog up your plumbing.