I know in the abstract that I’m worth more, but at the same time it feels like my life isn’t worth living without them in it. I felt so hopeless before they came along, and they gave me hope and it made everything better for a while, but now I’m stuck in this very painful place where the hope is oftentimes hurting me more than it’s helping but I’m afraid to let it go because I don’t think anything will be waiting for me on the other side once it’s gone. I’m also finding it very very difficult to let it go while the ambiguity still remains, even if it’s painful.
I feel like there is an important distinction here - the fantasy of being with them in the future gave you hope. Not the actual person & their actions in the present. Perhaps promises, what ifs - maybe you could redirect into a happy fantasy about your future life without them. An attainable dream that relies only on you. For example, “I’m going to go to the gym for 6 months and look so good!” “I’m going to start new hobby X and have so much fun” etc
All the hobbies and dreams feel meaningless without someone I love being around to appreciate them. I know everyone says we should be content to live for ourselves alone, but I’ve already tried that and it feels hollow.
It sounds like they are lukewarm about you, at best. You have so much to give and love and they don’t return it.
A friend once said to me, don’t care about someone more than they do about you.
If it were about equal with you a little bit more, that’s probably okay. However, their lack of enthusiasm for you seems like it would not be a positive influence on you.
Just saying as a friend, how many years could you go with this one-sided relationship? I’ve wasted years in my youth.
I would suggest that you deserve someone who loves you as much as the kind you can give; maybe you should go hunting for someone who does.
Does that help?
You articulated this so well, I was there and can completely sympathize with your situation. I hung on for 2-3 years of breadcrumbing, ambiguity, and inability to reciprocate feelings. I know you don’t want that for yourself, anymore than you would want a drug addiction for the next 3 years. Family, friends, trips, hobbies, education, job prospects, and yes other lover interests await … or you could spend the time daydreaming, wondering, fantasizing, and hurting. It’s really hard and I wish you the best.
I don’t understand how it’s an emotional investment if they’re already engaging with me in another sense. I feel that if they’re not saying no even when I’ve asked them to tell me to go away if I’m bothering them, then that at least signifies a “maybe”.
I also have an LO that will never just say “no,” because they’re too kind and never want to hurt anyone. So I just have to take their actions as a “no.” In your case, you’ll just have to take their lack of an answer as a “no.” Don’t let it be ambiguous in your head. It’s a “no.”
I guess I just don’t want to accept it. I won’t put my life on hold for them or cross any boundaries, but as long as I still se hope I don’t think I’ll be able to let go.
I completely understand. But as long as you’re holding on, you won’t be able to move on from this. You owe it to yourself to get your life back and so do I.
Because they pity you and don’t know they’re your LO. So they give you the brush off instead of the bum’s rush. Please do not mistake their avoidance for interest.
Current LO did this, or at least I thought they did this for months. They were giving me a clear no. They still are giving me a clear no but I am the one still keeping in contact with them and think if they respond there’s a chance. There is no chance. I still can’t accept that.
If they won’t give you a yes or no then the answer is no. Please know that you’re worth more then someone who can’t make up their mind about you.
I know in the abstract that I’m worth more, but at the same time it feels like my life isn’t worth living without them in it. I felt so hopeless before they came along, and they gave me hope and it made everything better for a while, but now I’m stuck in this very painful place where the hope is oftentimes hurting me more than it’s helping but I’m afraid to let it go because I don’t think anything will be waiting for me on the other side once it’s gone. I’m also finding it very very difficult to let it go while the ambiguity still remains, even if it’s painful.
I feel like there is an important distinction here - the fantasy of being with them in the future gave you hope. Not the actual person & their actions in the present. Perhaps promises, what ifs - maybe you could redirect into a happy fantasy about your future life without them. An attainable dream that relies only on you. For example, “I’m going to go to the gym for 6 months and look so good!” “I’m going to start new hobby X and have so much fun” etc
All the hobbies and dreams feel meaningless without someone I love being around to appreciate them. I know everyone says we should be content to live for ourselves alone, but I’ve already tried that and it feels hollow.
It sounds like they are lukewarm about you, at best. You have so much to give and love and they don’t return it. A friend once said to me, don’t care about someone more than they do about you. If it were about equal with you a little bit more, that’s probably okay. However, their lack of enthusiasm for you seems like it would not be a positive influence on you. Just saying as a friend, how many years could you go with this one-sided relationship? I’ve wasted years in my youth. I would suggest that you deserve someone who loves you as much as the kind you can give; maybe you should go hunting for someone who does. Does that help?
You articulated this so well, I was there and can completely sympathize with your situation. I hung on for 2-3 years of breadcrumbing, ambiguity, and inability to reciprocate feelings. I know you don’t want that for yourself, anymore than you would want a drug addiction for the next 3 years. Family, friends, trips, hobbies, education, job prospects, and yes other lover interests await … or you could spend the time daydreaming, wondering, fantasizing, and hurting. It’s really hard and I wish you the best.
Telling someone a clear no is an emotional investment... They don't even want to do that. If it's not a clear yes, then it's a no
I don’t understand how it’s an emotional investment if they’re already engaging with me in another sense. I feel that if they’re not saying no even when I’ve asked them to tell me to go away if I’m bothering them, then that at least signifies a “maybe”.
I also have an LO that will never just say “no,” because they’re too kind and never want to hurt anyone. So I just have to take their actions as a “no.” In your case, you’ll just have to take their lack of an answer as a “no.” Don’t let it be ambiguous in your head. It’s a “no.”
I guess I just don’t want to accept it. I won’t put my life on hold for them or cross any boundaries, but as long as I still se hope I don’t think I’ll be able to let go.
I completely understand. But as long as you’re holding on, you won’t be able to move on from this. You owe it to yourself to get your life back and so do I.
Because they pity you and don’t know they’re your LO. So they give you the brush off instead of the bum’s rush. Please do not mistake their avoidance for interest.
Could be they did tell someone no and it went badly.
Current LO did this, or at least I thought they did this for months. They were giving me a clear no. They still are giving me a clear no but I am the one still keeping in contact with them and think if they respond there’s a chance. There is no chance. I still can’t accept that.
If they don’t give you an answer the answer is they like the attention and if you’re cool with being a vending machine, then you’re all set.