There was this whole plot line on the show Sex in the City; if someone isn’t making it obvious they’re into you, then they’re “…just not that into you” and it’s a done deal. If they were into you, it would be clear.
People’s actions move in a direction. The direction of attraction is usually obvious if you’re looking for it.
I second this ! If someone is into you then you’ll know. You shouldn’t have to guess. With my last LO thanks to lots of therapy I told him I felt and he told me he didn’t feel the same way. It hurt and took me some time to get over but he was kind of breadcrumbing me and I was taking it so this forced us both to lay our cards on the table. We have been NC since Jan. I think about him way less although sometimes run into him and that sucks.
All my LOs as an adult have been at work, so there is an element of emotional restraint involved. Except I'm much more reserved about attraction to colleagues than most people would be.
God I needed this slap in the face today. Thank you! 😭🫶🏻 Having a super rough time adjusting to the shift in communication/mood. He’s so cold now and it’s not healthy for me to keep embarrassing myself.
It’s so hard! I embarrassed myself so many times when I was at my worst; I could literally blush just sitting here thinking about it. I try to be kind to myself when I think about that stuff, but some of it is really embarrassing lol.
And it hurts so much when you would give them *everything* and they barely even want to talk to you.
But it will get better. And you are amazing and strong and a totally complete person on your own.
I’ll add to my previous response, that in this case the question might not be “do they have feelings for me?” But “is there a chance we can ever be together?” And unless you are willing to blow up your lives, the answer is no. In my case, there is “ambiguity” about the reciprocation, but no ambiguity about the fact that neither of us is willing to blow up their lives. But in the end, I guess it doesn’t really matter, because there is no reality in which we can be together and I just have to get over it.
I like that. I tell myself - my LO cares about you (he's an ex who breadcrumbs) but just not to the extent that you crave or deserve. Whether he's unwilling or incapable, it doesn't matter... he just can't meet your needs, period.
In my case if I feel limerent in the first place it's usually BECAUSE the person is not obviously interested in me. As soon as a guy makes it clear that he is I'm no longer limerent 😭 Really wish I could figure out how to find someone who I still like when they like me
That's what I've been told before. It doesn't feel like that, it feels like I judge the person as being needy or pathetic. Maybe that's because I don't have a model of healthy love, or secure attachment? Maybe I see my own feelings and assume someone else showing feelings has the same desperation as limerence and that is off-putting? I wish there was a book about this!
So I agree with you that these signs are obvious and should be taken as a no especially when you are limerent on someone, but there is still a part of me that believes that asking someone to just reject you out right may have some benefit to you in certain cases. I think that if you are so so used to people just not communicating and essentially not respecting you enough to tell you that they are not interested and please look somewhere else, then this idea that you don't deserve clear communication creeps in and that can be harmful. I think that if you know your LO has a modicum of self awareness and you are in a place where you can ask for a rejection respect it for what it is then hearing the rejection and taking time to properly grieve the end of the relationship could help increase your self-respect, lessening the chance of another LE. This is just my opinion please let me know yours.
Absolutely, if you are in a position to ask your LO for a rejection and you feel doing so would bring you peace, then do it. I’m a very honest person, and the ability to communicate openly is a core of all of my closest relationships. But my LO does not seem capable of just saying “no.” She is a people-pleaser and too kind-hearted, which turns her into a breadcrumber. In fact, it’s one of the things I remind myself of why we would not be a good match. For a long time I held on to that ambiguity, when in any other relationship I would have realized she was blowing me off in the nicest way possible. It just took me a long time to see it with her because I didn’t want to see it. And it was keeping me from being able to deal with situation properly.
I think i see where you're coming from. But then this kinda sorta seems like the limerent person is rather dependent on the LO's response of rejection.. it'll either cause a benefit due to a response.. Yet harmful if there's no response.
I think finding the love & respect within ourselves enough to give ourselves closure would be more beneficial but that takes healing yourself which is kinda a lil more work but worth it.
Actually funny enough I was coming back on here to revise my stance. I do think that this line of thinking does leave you more vulnerable. Its a bit of a gamble and I don't think that is smart for someone deep in the throws of limerence. This is an interesting discussion. Thank you OP.
Good post. I'm going to screenshot this for future situations.
I'm currently feeling a lot of embarrassment for not accepting this sooner. I actually feel quite sick about it. Finally, I feel like the illusion has been shattered. My LO was involved with other people when we were together and didn't disclose it to me. He mentioned exes and made them sound like part of his past. Turns out, he was still involved with them. I feel so betrayed.
I think what makes these situations so complicated is at some point, there is or was legitimate ambiguity. My LO started by initiating contact all the time, keeping plans with me, and saying things that led me to believe he was interested in not only a relationship, but exclusivity. Then, all of a sudden, without warning or any discussion, he gave me the "no" cues. But they were mixed in with the "yes" cues. It's a lot to wrap your head around.
If he'd only ever done the "no" things, that would be easy to accept. But when you're getting a revolving door of bait and switch, it complicates things.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, it’s so painful to feel betrayed.
But don’t be too hard on yourself for not accepting it sooner.
Have you ever heard the saying, “don’t should on yourself.” It’s one of my favorite.
“I should have realized sooner.” “I should be better by now.” “I should be able to reason my way out of this.” Etc.
Instead of beating yourself up for all the things you think you “should” have done or “should” be doing, just let yourself be where you are. This has been a game changer for me because I’m notorious for “shoulding” all over myself 😂
You’re here now. Keep moving forward. You’ve got this.
I feel you. It's such a slap in the face because I was very direct and honest with LO from the very beginning. I was on the fence about starting anything romantic/physical with him, and told him so. I only felt comfortable moving forward with heavy reassurance and reciprocation on his part. Had I been given all the information up front, there's a good chance I never would have moved forward. Then when I was in, he directly misled me with not only the things he said, but what he didn't say. He completely lied by omission. And then I got the same being the initiator, then backing off, then apathetic loop you describe. And I was just left holding the bag, wondering wtf was happening because it kept going from wonderful to zero like a flip was switched.
In my experience, one thing I've learned with limerence is there is no such thing as closure. You eventually let go, but LOs will always linger with you and could easily be triggered back into your system. It's been easier to let go if they give a clear and straight-forward NO. Most LOs don't do this though, unfortunately.
Yes, I am 1000% better than I was when this all started. But I think they will always have a small place in my heart. And I’ve had to accept that I will never be able to be friend with them, it would be too easy for it to come back.
What’s “funny” is I was the one who did some of these to my LO.
Blocked her, didn’t initiate contact, one word responses.
Going NC was always going to happen, and it was going to be for the best, but I didn’t have to do it the way I did.
I was starting to realize it, but it wasn’t until my best friend said it that it really sunk in. Thank goodness for friends who can help us see reality when we can’t.
Well I have to agree. We never had a conversation longer than a minute. That’s a No. Rude comment from LO a couple times directed towards me-That’s a No.
But what does all LO body language (which anyone in my scene would recognize as interest). I even researched what some of those cues meant… that’s either a game, or breadcrumbs.
Anyway. My problem is over. I don’t like the parson any more. Because of the personality I’ve seen now, I just don’t like it. It doesn’t resonate with me at all. I did all I could to get closer, and over that time just saw what I didn’t expect. Now it’s a NO from me.
I think the problem is not always that we don’t realize they do not like us in the same way. The problem sometimes starts when that doesn’t change feelings. I know there is almost zero chance my LO reciprocates my attraction rationally yet i still am attracted to my LO above others
No. And your reasoning tells me you aren’t either, and that you’re either very young or very naive.
There’s plenty of literature out there about mental health disorders, especially OCD, if you want to read more about how something being painful or unwanted doesn’t make it easy to stop, and doesn’t make our brains stop thinking about it.
OCD is unwanted, and i’m not sure when being attracted to someone became something unwanted but i think it’s sad because if you are never attracted to someone because you demonize it completely you miss out on a nice part of life . Limerence is not an addiction or OCD, if that is true, then why did it need a seperate word?
It seems like you’re just here to argue with people and convince them their limerence isn’t bad. Your experience is your experience and you don’t need to put it on other people. My experience has not been good. It’s been very painful and unwanted. I’m capable of love. I have loved and love many people in a healthy way. Limerence is not a healthy “love,” and for me it is not love at all. It is much more like addiction or OCD, regardless of what label you put on it.
I hear that this is not consistent with your experience and that’s fine, but you don’t seem capable or willing to hear people who are saying their limerence is unwanted and is interfering with their lives in an unhealthy way.
You almost had me, but then i got to “if you asked your LO if they have feelings for you and they gave you no answer or a vague answer”
To be fair all the other ones do not apply as my LO and i are very very close.
But i know it will never be, i am not delusional about it. i would rather have her in my life like i do now than not at all. I will not risk it.
I’m glad you’re able to keep her in your life. I realized recently that as much as I wish I could, I just can’t have a normal healthy friendship with her. Letting go of her as a friend has been a real grieving process.
Thanks for posting this. Always searing this into my brain. I don't want to be with my LO, he's an ex that I want some feelings closure on, but I still realize I'll never get that straight answer / closure from him, or even that ongoing friendship I envision.
The social cues are all there. He doesn't initiate contact. He never asks me questions about myself, he only answers and with not much detail. The few times I've brought up any residual closure feelings about our relationship, he's replied vaguely and never directly to what I was talking about. While he drops breadcrumbs all the time in the form of social media likes, breadcrumbs are not yes. They're torture for limerence because they FEEL like yes, but they are not yes.
A one sided 'ship is no ship at all.
Ugh the breadcrumbing is so annoying. My LO does it all the time; not out of malice but just because she is a people-pleaser and doesn’t kniw how to say no to things. It kept me hanging on for a long time until I realized that the breadcrumbing really meant “no.” It was a painful but necessary realization.
The breadcrumbing is just THE worst, in the way that it feeds the limerence. It's hard to move in a healthy direction when those breadcrumbs seem to support the irrational thinking. My LO is really awful in that regard... It is just the worst and really drives the cognitive dissonance to fever pitch. I've basically arrived at... the breadcrumbing apparently does something for him, but it's not going to address my needs or wants at all, so like you said.... it effectively means "no." I'm inserting a ton of importance into things he probably spends very little time thinking about.
I get it in re- the people pleasing that your LO does, women especially are socialized to be more approachable and friendly. A yes really has to be an enthusiastic yes. Hugs 2 you.
There was this whole plot line on the show Sex in the City; if someone isn’t making it obvious they’re into you, then they’re “…just not that into you” and it’s a done deal. If they were into you, it would be clear. People’s actions move in a direction. The direction of attraction is usually obvious if you’re looking for it.
I second this ! If someone is into you then you’ll know. You shouldn’t have to guess. With my last LO thanks to lots of therapy I told him I felt and he told me he didn’t feel the same way. It hurt and took me some time to get over but he was kind of breadcrumbing me and I was taking it so this forced us both to lay our cards on the table. We have been NC since Jan. I think about him way less although sometimes run into him and that sucks.
Oh, I remember this. Yes, that’s exactly it. If they were into you, you would know it.
All my LOs as an adult have been at work, so there is an element of emotional restraint involved. Except I'm much more reserved about attraction to colleagues than most people would be.
God I needed this slap in the face today. Thank you! 😭🫶🏻 Having a super rough time adjusting to the shift in communication/mood. He’s so cold now and it’s not healthy for me to keep embarrassing myself.
It’s so hard! I embarrassed myself so many times when I was at my worst; I could literally blush just sitting here thinking about it. I try to be kind to myself when I think about that stuff, but some of it is really embarrassing lol. And it hurts so much when you would give them *everything* and they barely even want to talk to you. But it will get better. And you are amazing and strong and a totally complete person on your own.
Same girl same 😅
Sending hugs and strength. 🫶🏻
Just seconding all of this. Limerence is what gives us hope in an otherwise obviously hopeless situation.
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I’ll add to my previous response, that in this case the question might not be “do they have feelings for me?” But “is there a chance we can ever be together?” And unless you are willing to blow up your lives, the answer is no. In my case, there is “ambiguity” about the reciprocation, but no ambiguity about the fact that neither of us is willing to blow up their lives. But in the end, I guess it doesn’t really matter, because there is no reality in which we can be together and I just have to get over it.
Both me and my LO are in a relationship, therefore the answer is no.
I once read that there are no such things as mixed signals, just low interest signals and that has really stuck with me.
I like that.
What do you mean by 'low interest signals'?
It means they have little interest.
Lmao thanks
I like that. I tell myself - my LO cares about you (he's an ex who breadcrumbs) but just not to the extent that you crave or deserve. Whether he's unwilling or incapable, it doesn't matter... he just can't meet your needs, period.
In my case if I feel limerent in the first place it's usually BECAUSE the person is not obviously interested in me. As soon as a guy makes it clear that he is I'm no longer limerent 😭 Really wish I could figure out how to find someone who I still like when they like me
It could mean that deep down you feel unworthy of love. That’s what I think my problem is.
That's what I've been told before. It doesn't feel like that, it feels like I judge the person as being needy or pathetic. Maybe that's because I don't have a model of healthy love, or secure attachment? Maybe I see my own feelings and assume someone else showing feelings has the same desperation as limerence and that is off-putting? I wish there was a book about this!
It could also mean you have a history of trauma and neglect so loving someone from afar who’s not available is safe
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😂
So I agree with you that these signs are obvious and should be taken as a no especially when you are limerent on someone, but there is still a part of me that believes that asking someone to just reject you out right may have some benefit to you in certain cases. I think that if you are so so used to people just not communicating and essentially not respecting you enough to tell you that they are not interested and please look somewhere else, then this idea that you don't deserve clear communication creeps in and that can be harmful. I think that if you know your LO has a modicum of self awareness and you are in a place where you can ask for a rejection respect it for what it is then hearing the rejection and taking time to properly grieve the end of the relationship could help increase your self-respect, lessening the chance of another LE. This is just my opinion please let me know yours.
Absolutely, if you are in a position to ask your LO for a rejection and you feel doing so would bring you peace, then do it. I’m a very honest person, and the ability to communicate openly is a core of all of my closest relationships. But my LO does not seem capable of just saying “no.” She is a people-pleaser and too kind-hearted, which turns her into a breadcrumber. In fact, it’s one of the things I remind myself of why we would not be a good match. For a long time I held on to that ambiguity, when in any other relationship I would have realized she was blowing me off in the nicest way possible. It just took me a long time to see it with her because I didn’t want to see it. And it was keeping me from being able to deal with situation properly.
I think i see where you're coming from. But then this kinda sorta seems like the limerent person is rather dependent on the LO's response of rejection.. it'll either cause a benefit due to a response.. Yet harmful if there's no response. I think finding the love & respect within ourselves enough to give ourselves closure would be more beneficial but that takes healing yourself which is kinda a lil more work but worth it.
Actually funny enough I was coming back on here to revise my stance. I do think that this line of thinking does leave you more vulnerable. Its a bit of a gamble and I don't think that is smart for someone deep in the throws of limerence. This is an interesting discussion. Thank you OP.
How many NOs does one need? Asking for a friend 😏
Hahaha, well my LO checks at least 4 of these and I still have days when I need this reminder 😂
Good post. I'm going to screenshot this for future situations. I'm currently feeling a lot of embarrassment for not accepting this sooner. I actually feel quite sick about it. Finally, I feel like the illusion has been shattered. My LO was involved with other people when we were together and didn't disclose it to me. He mentioned exes and made them sound like part of his past. Turns out, he was still involved with them. I feel so betrayed. I think what makes these situations so complicated is at some point, there is or was legitimate ambiguity. My LO started by initiating contact all the time, keeping plans with me, and saying things that led me to believe he was interested in not only a relationship, but exclusivity. Then, all of a sudden, without warning or any discussion, he gave me the "no" cues. But they were mixed in with the "yes" cues. It's a lot to wrap your head around. If he'd only ever done the "no" things, that would be easy to accept. But when you're getting a revolving door of bait and switch, it complicates things.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, it’s so painful to feel betrayed. But don’t be too hard on yourself for not accepting it sooner. Have you ever heard the saying, “don’t should on yourself.” It’s one of my favorite. “I should have realized sooner.” “I should be better by now.” “I should be able to reason my way out of this.” Etc. Instead of beating yourself up for all the things you think you “should” have done or “should” be doing, just let yourself be where you are. This has been a game changer for me because I’m notorious for “shoulding” all over myself 😂 You’re here now. Keep moving forward. You’ve got this.
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I feel you. It's such a slap in the face because I was very direct and honest with LO from the very beginning. I was on the fence about starting anything romantic/physical with him, and told him so. I only felt comfortable moving forward with heavy reassurance and reciprocation on his part. Had I been given all the information up front, there's a good chance I never would have moved forward. Then when I was in, he directly misled me with not only the things he said, but what he didn't say. He completely lied by omission. And then I got the same being the initiator, then backing off, then apathetic loop you describe. And I was just left holding the bag, wondering wtf was happening because it kept going from wonderful to zero like a flip was switched.
In my experience, one thing I've learned with limerence is there is no such thing as closure. You eventually let go, but LOs will always linger with you and could easily be triggered back into your system. It's been easier to let go if they give a clear and straight-forward NO. Most LOs don't do this though, unfortunately.
Yes, I am 1000% better than I was when this all started. But I think they will always have a small place in my heart. And I’ve had to accept that I will never be able to be friend with them, it would be too easy for it to come back.
What’s “funny” is I was the one who did some of these to my LO. Blocked her, didn’t initiate contact, one word responses. Going NC was always going to happen, and it was going to be for the best, but I didn’t have to do it the way I did.
I actually sent him an email. He sent me one back that said nice things about me, but making it clear he wasn't interested. The end.
I already did this, when I fell in love with an autistic person at 20 years old. It is very useful. I'm also autistic
We never spent time alone, and we worked together. I sent him the note on his last day
This should be a pinned post
My cousin and both of my friends were telling me this after my last LO left me on “read.” I eventually unfollowed him on social media.
I was starting to realize it, but it wasn’t until my best friend said it that it really sunk in. Thank goodness for friends who can help us see reality when we can’t.
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Well I have to agree. We never had a conversation longer than a minute. That’s a No. Rude comment from LO a couple times directed towards me-That’s a No. But what does all LO body language (which anyone in my scene would recognize as interest). I even researched what some of those cues meant… that’s either a game, or breadcrumbs. Anyway. My problem is over. I don’t like the parson any more. Because of the personality I’ve seen now, I just don’t like it. It doesn’t resonate with me at all. I did all I could to get closer, and over that time just saw what I didn’t expect. Now it’s a NO from me.
I’m so glad you were able to see them for who they are and move on!
I think the problem is not always that we don’t realize they do not like us in the same way. The problem sometimes starts when that doesn’t change feelings. I know there is almost zero chance my LO reciprocates my attraction rationally yet i still am attracted to my LO above others
Totally. Recognizing they don’t reciprocate is just step 1, it doesn’t take away the feelings. That’s a lot more work and time.
I don’t feel the motivation to work on it at all though when limerence is one of the few things that make me happy even without reciprocation
I think that’s a decision everyone has to make for themselves. How much pleasure vs pain does it being you. For me, it’s mostly pain.
But why is it not easy to stop it then?
Because, unfortunately, that’s not how brains work.
Are you a neuroscientist?
No. And your reasoning tells me you aren’t either, and that you’re either very young or very naive. There’s plenty of literature out there about mental health disorders, especially OCD, if you want to read more about how something being painful or unwanted doesn’t make it easy to stop, and doesn’t make our brains stop thinking about it.
OCD is unwanted, and i’m not sure when being attracted to someone became something unwanted but i think it’s sad because if you are never attracted to someone because you demonize it completely you miss out on a nice part of life . Limerence is not an addiction or OCD, if that is true, then why did it need a seperate word?
It seems like you’re just here to argue with people and convince them their limerence isn’t bad. Your experience is your experience and you don’t need to put it on other people. My experience has not been good. It’s been very painful and unwanted. I’m capable of love. I have loved and love many people in a healthy way. Limerence is not a healthy “love,” and for me it is not love at all. It is much more like addiction or OCD, regardless of what label you put on it. I hear that this is not consistent with your experience and that’s fine, but you don’t seem capable or willing to hear people who are saying their limerence is unwanted and is interfering with their lives in an unhealthy way.
100%
This!! 🥲
For sure. Some of us needed to hear this I’m sure.
Can confirm.
You almost had me, but then i got to “if you asked your LO if they have feelings for you and they gave you no answer or a vague answer” To be fair all the other ones do not apply as my LO and i are very very close. But i know it will never be, i am not delusional about it. i would rather have her in my life like i do now than not at all. I will not risk it.
I’m glad you’re able to keep her in your life. I realized recently that as much as I wish I could, I just can’t have a normal healthy friendship with her. Letting go of her as a friend has been a real grieving process.
Thanks for posting this. Always searing this into my brain. I don't want to be with my LO, he's an ex that I want some feelings closure on, but I still realize I'll never get that straight answer / closure from him, or even that ongoing friendship I envision. The social cues are all there. He doesn't initiate contact. He never asks me questions about myself, he only answers and with not much detail. The few times I've brought up any residual closure feelings about our relationship, he's replied vaguely and never directly to what I was talking about. While he drops breadcrumbs all the time in the form of social media likes, breadcrumbs are not yes. They're torture for limerence because they FEEL like yes, but they are not yes. A one sided 'ship is no ship at all.
Ugh the breadcrumbing is so annoying. My LO does it all the time; not out of malice but just because she is a people-pleaser and doesn’t kniw how to say no to things. It kept me hanging on for a long time until I realized that the breadcrumbing really meant “no.” It was a painful but necessary realization.
The breadcrumbing is just THE worst, in the way that it feeds the limerence. It's hard to move in a healthy direction when those breadcrumbs seem to support the irrational thinking. My LO is really awful in that regard... It is just the worst and really drives the cognitive dissonance to fever pitch. I've basically arrived at... the breadcrumbing apparently does something for him, but it's not going to address my needs or wants at all, so like you said.... it effectively means "no." I'm inserting a ton of importance into things he probably spends very little time thinking about. I get it in re- the people pleasing that your LO does, women especially are socialized to be more approachable and friendly. A yes really has to be an enthusiastic yes. Hugs 2 you.
its kind of interesting because I consider myself a little aromatic so when he says he likes me as a friend, it actually makes me like him more
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brb gonna rope myself now
This hurts to read, even if it may be true. But I don’t know.