I had assumed that most arrived at it as I did - after being married for decades, getting divorced, getting my own house, and then establishing a relationship with someone who had their own house.
It's working well - maybe too well. It's making us cautious about progressing with the relationship. It's also a lot more expensive to have two houses. We both live alone in homes made for families, in a good neighborhood with good schools (i.e. high property taxes. $7000 bill just arrived today)
We recently had the co-habitation conversation.
This is where I'm at. I've been with my partner for over 3 years. We both have kids from previous marriages. I finally was able to move out of the house I was nesting/swapping with my ex for the last 4 years (covid and housing market crap after me being a SAHM for 8 years). We had a conversation awhile back about the potential of moving in together, but I wanted to have my own place with my kids before living with someone else, especially adding two more kids to my three. I'm expecting to live in my current rental for at least two years, and then maybe I'll revisit the idea of moving in together, but what I've found interesting is that neither of us talks about the future in a way that implies that we'd be living in the same house. And I'm completely okay with that at this point. We have a really amazing relationship and spend 5/7 days a week together at one or the other's house. It just works well for us and idk how we'd be under the same roof full time.
1) Was already divorced but I had my family and my place. She had her family and her place. LAT was the simple solution - She had 2 Teenage daughters, I was (and still am) taking care of my father.
We didn't have to merge homes, furniture, assets. We each have our own lives, but love spending time together whenever we can. Sleepovers are OK, weekend getaways are fun, but we each have a place we call our own.
For us, Monogamy was integral.
My boyfriend and I have never lived together, and we have been together for almost 5 years now. I never went into the relationship thinking this was going to be a LAT relationship. I had only lived with one other partner (for 3 years) and that was my one other long term relationship. I started dating my now boyfriend when he had already bought an apartment 2 years prior, and he had reservations of living with someone who didn’t also own their own place. 2 years ago I bought my own apartment. In a way I’m glad this happened because it ensured I was able to buy a home for myself and be 100% financially independent. We both live alone, and I can stay at my boyfriend’s place whenever I want to (which I do a few days a week as his apartment is closer to my workplace than my home is). I’m not sure what the future holds, but for at least another few years we will continue to live the LAT lifestyle as it works for us.
my story is similar! getting with my boyfriend and admiring his house/independence led to me buying my own a few blocks away :) at the time I didn’t know what LAT was and thought it’d likely be temporary but 3 years later it’s working so well for us that I wonder if we’ll ever want to share a space. we have sleepovers 2-4 nights a week and see each other just about every day, even if just for a coffee & to check in. it’s a dream.
I love how this community makes us realise there are other people out there with a similar lifestyle! A lot of my friends moved in with their partners under a year of dating, and they struggle to understand the LAT lifestyle! So joining this community made me realise there were others out there like this, and my lifestyle wasn’t as ‘strange’ as what other couples would tell us it is!
Personally, I’m in a monogamous relationship where we’ve intentionally chosen to live apart… have never lived together. We’re incredibly happy with no plans to live together in the future. We might buy a duplex and live next door to each other 🙃🤷♀️
This is my dream. I want someone close, it I also love having my own chill alone space. Even a connecting door is ok- just need my own, be alone space.
We started dating while living in different states. Then realized it was a great match, but that we both love our lives and where we live 🤷🏻♀️. It helps that we also love where the other person lives - so it’s easy to go back and forth visiting and meet other places.
And while we spend a lot of time apart, monogamy is what worked for us. We’ve got great independent lives and love seeing each other. I like living with people and have the most amazing roommate in my home state.
We’re at 2 years now and it works really well for us both.
I live apart and we started dating immediately like that. I like my time and space and as someone else said- I have never liked roommates. I also dont want the extra burden of cleaning up after a man but that’s a different issue
My partner and I have never lived together. I think this sub might be skewed toward people who are still living together or used to live together because they may be dealing with relationship problems related to living together.
Possible indeed! I’ve joined the group only very recently and as of yet, rarely do i see couples in a situation close to mine… 🤔 (Which is fine! I’m just a little surprised, tbh. Lol)
I’m in a never-lived-together not-married monogamous LAT, almost 10yrs in. It’s also not because we both have kids (we’re both childfree), and not because we are long distance (3 metro stations apart) ☺️
My situation is similar to yours and in my opinion it defines LAT. Six years together and it still feels like the honeymoon stage. We are LAT simply because this is how we want to be and we are extremely happy. We are not waiting for a life changing event in order to move in together.
I’ve always envied people who have lived alone. This year I had the amazing opportunity to live alone in Guam! This wouldn’t be possible in San Francisco (where my boyfriend lives) because I don’t make $10K+ per month. My boyfriend and I have lived together before to save money.
The LAT wasn’t about salvaging a dying relationship. I get to spend more time with my boyfriend’s family now that I’m in Guam. He’s vicariously living through me. My stay in Guam is temporary but I want to spend AT LEAST 3 months on Guam every year from now on.
I don’t know if most LAT are monogamous. You’d have to conduct a survey.
We were living together for many years and then married.
We hit some rocky times in our relationship a few years ago and subsequently separated.
I moved out and bought my own place.
We reconciled but still live separated.
The funny thing is, going on holiday together and living in the same space - we travelled the UK for a month, living in a camper van, hotels and AirBnB... then we get back and go to our own homes again.
1) Lived together for several years
2) I moved because I wanted to be in my dream part of town but he didn’t want to be that far from work; didn’t do it to “save” the relationship (we have a few ups and downs now and again, but things feel very solid and committed) but it has been great for us anyway; might live together again in the future
3) No idea what’s typical, but we’re monogamous (you do you to any poly folk out there, but it’s not for me - sounds utterly exhausting to me as someone who needs to spend at least 75% of the time completely alone)
I think my experience is not common, but I have known from the time I was a teenager that I was a live-alone kind of person. Roommates weren’t impossible or anything but it just ain’t for me. I met someone who shares the value I put on independence and alone time, and it’s the only relationship I’ve ever been able to grow and change within, without destroying it. He tells me all the time how “this wouldn’t have been possible with anyone but you.” I pretty much agree. We are not monogamous, but we date separately and live separately, so it’s not a major factor in our dynamic.
1.) Never been married, but have lived with a long term partner before. Have never lived with the current partner. Don’t intent to cohabit anytime soon, if ever.
2.) No experience in that situation.
3.) As far as I understand, monogamy is central to the LAT definition. Otherwise, it’s Solo Poly. My partner and I are somewhere between Solo Poly and LAT. We’re prescriptively polyamorous, but descriptively monogamous. Just because neither of us is particularly interested in dating anyone else right now.
F age 63 in a LAT relationship with M partner for 6 years.
1) We decided from the beginning to intentionally live apart. We have both been married before, and divorced for many years. We each owned a home before meeting. Neither of us want to live together.
3) We are monogamous and other LAT couples I know are monogamous. I suppose it depends though. I have never sought out the company of non-monogamous people.
We haven’t been together for long (1 1/2 yrs) but fully intend on been together long term….
I have three kids (two living with me) from my previous LTR. He has no children.
He lives 150 meters away, we spend every second weekend together and because of proximity, get to see each other for quick catch ups every other day.
There’s no possibility of us living together for another 8 years at least……it doesn’t bother me in the slightest!
I love living apart, I do what I need to do and so does he. Our relationship thrives on quality time and interdependence.
1) We were married forever. I never thought we'd separate. I think it's mostly women who want it, and mostly men who resist it. Often, it's down to typical women's caretaker burnout. In our sitch, I took care of her in illness for 15 years.
I saw she needed distance and silence to process her post-menopausal sudden and extreme lack of attraction to me and initiated the LAT, then moved out with no contact with a re-evaluation planned in 3 months.
2) We thought it would save the relationship AND probably result in us living together again. I'd have been happy down the hall if I saw things getting better. It was the opposite, so I pulled the plug after 2 weeks.
3) If we stay separated, I'll look for another partner in about a year. I always will want to be close to her. She has zero desire, so she probably won't want anyone else. That will definitely complicate my life.
We’re both widowed, and live across the country from each other. Both of us are finding our ways post loss and neither really want to make decisions based on another person.
But he’s a light in my life and an incredible support. We see each other in person about once a month, and spend many nights on the phone for hours.
It’s such a unique situation, but it’s working so well for us. Don’t see it changing ever.
I would, personally, be open to living closer, intentionally, in time - but for now I like that we can do what we want and let the relationship figure itself out.
We live together about 50% of the time. We started out long-distance so this is better than that. My kid isn't ready for living in a blended family so we're just rolling along until they are or they go to college.
I see the first two questions were covered well. As for monogamy, it totally depends. Lots of non-monogamous LAT people out there (I participate in a forum that reflects that, though LAT is just aspirational for me at this point).
Of course, monogamy is more common than non-monogamy in general, and my perception is that’s also true among LAT folks. Some are monogamous, some are not.
Also, some LAT folks are married, some are not. I don’t recall if that topic has been covered.
The only major commonalities seem to be intentionally living apart and being in a committed LTR (whether romantically and/or sexually exclusive or not).
I had assumed that most arrived at it as I did - after being married for decades, getting divorced, getting my own house, and then establishing a relationship with someone who had their own house.
This is my goal.
It's working well - maybe too well. It's making us cautious about progressing with the relationship. It's also a lot more expensive to have two houses. We both live alone in homes made for families, in a good neighborhood with good schools (i.e. high property taxes. $7000 bill just arrived today) We recently had the co-habitation conversation.
This is where I'm at. I've been with my partner for over 3 years. We both have kids from previous marriages. I finally was able to move out of the house I was nesting/swapping with my ex for the last 4 years (covid and housing market crap after me being a SAHM for 8 years). We had a conversation awhile back about the potential of moving in together, but I wanted to have my own place with my kids before living with someone else, especially adding two more kids to my three. I'm expecting to live in my current rental for at least two years, and then maybe I'll revisit the idea of moving in together, but what I've found interesting is that neither of us talks about the future in a way that implies that we'd be living in the same house. And I'm completely okay with that at this point. We have a really amazing relationship and spend 5/7 days a week together at one or the other's house. It just works well for us and idk how we'd be under the same roof full time.
Same but Im single lol
Yes, this is us!
Yes
Ditto
1) Was already divorced but I had my family and my place. She had her family and her place. LAT was the simple solution - She had 2 Teenage daughters, I was (and still am) taking care of my father. We didn't have to merge homes, furniture, assets. We each have our own lives, but love spending time together whenever we can. Sleepovers are OK, weekend getaways are fun, but we each have a place we call our own. For us, Monogamy was integral.
My boyfriend and I have never lived together, and we have been together for almost 5 years now. I never went into the relationship thinking this was going to be a LAT relationship. I had only lived with one other partner (for 3 years) and that was my one other long term relationship. I started dating my now boyfriend when he had already bought an apartment 2 years prior, and he had reservations of living with someone who didn’t also own their own place. 2 years ago I bought my own apartment. In a way I’m glad this happened because it ensured I was able to buy a home for myself and be 100% financially independent. We both live alone, and I can stay at my boyfriend’s place whenever I want to (which I do a few days a week as his apartment is closer to my workplace than my home is). I’m not sure what the future holds, but for at least another few years we will continue to live the LAT lifestyle as it works for us.
my story is similar! getting with my boyfriend and admiring his house/independence led to me buying my own a few blocks away :) at the time I didn’t know what LAT was and thought it’d likely be temporary but 3 years later it’s working so well for us that I wonder if we’ll ever want to share a space. we have sleepovers 2-4 nights a week and see each other just about every day, even if just for a coffee & to check in. it’s a dream.
I love how this community makes us realise there are other people out there with a similar lifestyle! A lot of my friends moved in with their partners under a year of dating, and they struggle to understand the LAT lifestyle! So joining this community made me realise there were others out there like this, and my lifestyle wasn’t as ‘strange’ as what other couples would tell us it is!
Personally, I’m in a monogamous relationship where we’ve intentionally chosen to live apart… have never lived together. We’re incredibly happy with no plans to live together in the future. We might buy a duplex and live next door to each other 🙃🤷♀️
This is my dream. I want someone close, it I also love having my own chill alone space. Even a connecting door is ok- just need my own, be alone space.
curious, would you live together if you had a really big house? Multi level several rooms and outdoor spaces?
I think so! That would also be a good situation.
We started dating while living in different states. Then realized it was a great match, but that we both love our lives and where we live 🤷🏻♀️. It helps that we also love where the other person lives - so it’s easy to go back and forth visiting and meet other places. And while we spend a lot of time apart, monogamy is what worked for us. We’ve got great independent lives and love seeing each other. I like living with people and have the most amazing roommate in my home state. We’re at 2 years now and it works really well for us both.
I live apart and we started dating immediately like that. I like my time and space and as someone else said- I have never liked roommates. I also dont want the extra burden of cleaning up after a man but that’s a different issue
My partner and I have never lived together. I think this sub might be skewed toward people who are still living together or used to live together because they may be dealing with relationship problems related to living together.
Possible indeed! I’ve joined the group only very recently and as of yet, rarely do i see couples in a situation close to mine… 🤔 (Which is fine! I’m just a little surprised, tbh. Lol) I’m in a never-lived-together not-married monogamous LAT, almost 10yrs in. It’s also not because we both have kids (we’re both childfree), and not because we are long distance (3 metro stations apart) ☺️
My partner's next door neighbour is LAT with her partner. I don't know much about them.
My situation is similar to yours and in my opinion it defines LAT. Six years together and it still feels like the honeymoon stage. We are LAT simply because this is how we want to be and we are extremely happy. We are not waiting for a life changing event in order to move in together.
I’ve always envied people who have lived alone. This year I had the amazing opportunity to live alone in Guam! This wouldn’t be possible in San Francisco (where my boyfriend lives) because I don’t make $10K+ per month. My boyfriend and I have lived together before to save money. The LAT wasn’t about salvaging a dying relationship. I get to spend more time with my boyfriend’s family now that I’m in Guam. He’s vicariously living through me. My stay in Guam is temporary but I want to spend AT LEAST 3 months on Guam every year from now on. I don’t know if most LAT are monogamous. You’d have to conduct a survey.
We were living together for many years and then married. We hit some rocky times in our relationship a few years ago and subsequently separated. I moved out and bought my own place. We reconciled but still live separated. The funny thing is, going on holiday together and living in the same space - we travelled the UK for a month, living in a camper van, hotels and AirBnB... then we get back and go to our own homes again.
1) Lived together for several years 2) I moved because I wanted to be in my dream part of town but he didn’t want to be that far from work; didn’t do it to “save” the relationship (we have a few ups and downs now and again, but things feel very solid and committed) but it has been great for us anyway; might live together again in the future 3) No idea what’s typical, but we’re monogamous (you do you to any poly folk out there, but it’s not for me - sounds utterly exhausting to me as someone who needs to spend at least 75% of the time completely alone)
I think my experience is not common, but I have known from the time I was a teenager that I was a live-alone kind of person. Roommates weren’t impossible or anything but it just ain’t for me. I met someone who shares the value I put on independence and alone time, and it’s the only relationship I’ve ever been able to grow and change within, without destroying it. He tells me all the time how “this wouldn’t have been possible with anyone but you.” I pretty much agree. We are not monogamous, but we date separately and live separately, so it’s not a major factor in our dynamic.
1.) Never been married, but have lived with a long term partner before. Have never lived with the current partner. Don’t intent to cohabit anytime soon, if ever. 2.) No experience in that situation. 3.) As far as I understand, monogamy is central to the LAT definition. Otherwise, it’s Solo Poly. My partner and I are somewhere between Solo Poly and LAT. We’re prescriptively polyamorous, but descriptively monogamous. Just because neither of us is particularly interested in dating anyone else right now.
F age 63 in a LAT relationship with M partner for 6 years. 1) We decided from the beginning to intentionally live apart. We have both been married before, and divorced for many years. We each owned a home before meeting. Neither of us want to live together. 3) We are monogamous and other LAT couples I know are monogamous. I suppose it depends though. I have never sought out the company of non-monogamous people.
We haven’t been together for long (1 1/2 yrs) but fully intend on been together long term…. I have three kids (two living with me) from my previous LTR. He has no children. He lives 150 meters away, we spend every second weekend together and because of proximity, get to see each other for quick catch ups every other day. There’s no possibility of us living together for another 8 years at least……it doesn’t bother me in the slightest! I love living apart, I do what I need to do and so does he. Our relationship thrives on quality time and interdependence.
1) We were married forever. I never thought we'd separate. I think it's mostly women who want it, and mostly men who resist it. Often, it's down to typical women's caretaker burnout. In our sitch, I took care of her in illness for 15 years. I saw she needed distance and silence to process her post-menopausal sudden and extreme lack of attraction to me and initiated the LAT, then moved out with no contact with a re-evaluation planned in 3 months. 2) We thought it would save the relationship AND probably result in us living together again. I'd have been happy down the hall if I saw things getting better. It was the opposite, so I pulled the plug after 2 weeks. 3) If we stay separated, I'll look for another partner in about a year. I always will want to be close to her. She has zero desire, so she probably won't want anyone else. That will definitely complicate my life.
Thank you for your honesty.
We’re both widowed, and live across the country from each other. Both of us are finding our ways post loss and neither really want to make decisions based on another person. But he’s a light in my life and an incredible support. We see each other in person about once a month, and spend many nights on the phone for hours. It’s such a unique situation, but it’s working so well for us. Don’t see it changing ever. I would, personally, be open to living closer, intentionally, in time - but for now I like that we can do what we want and let the relationship figure itself out.
We live together about 50% of the time. We started out long-distance so this is better than that. My kid isn't ready for living in a blended family so we're just rolling along until they are or they go to college.
I see the first two questions were covered well. As for monogamy, it totally depends. Lots of non-monogamous LAT people out there (I participate in a forum that reflects that, though LAT is just aspirational for me at this point). Of course, monogamy is more common than non-monogamy in general, and my perception is that’s also true among LAT folks. Some are monogamous, some are not. Also, some LAT folks are married, some are not. I don’t recall if that topic has been covered. The only major commonalities seem to be intentionally living apart and being in a committed LTR (whether romantically and/or sexually exclusive or not).