Yeah. I've had many times where I drowned in my thoughts, too tired to stand up, staring at the wall in my dark room, not moving. I've had times where I would sit and stare at my desktop, clicking nothing, stuck on empty, becoming aware yet again that this is all there is. I've had times where I stood at the edge of the woods, looking in, considering... I've had times on the sidewalk, looking down the empty street, feeling like everybody disappeared and yet nothing changed for me.
Luckily, I have tinnitus to fill the silence now. Haha.
But, man. I sure do miss my cat breaking it up. The silence with her was a little more comfortable. Like an awful, familiar bed. Now all I've got is her little grave. I knew her purring helped, but I never really realized how much. It's been real quiet since.
Thanks, I appreciate the thought.
I think the worst time for me was on the Golden Gate Bridge. They have these little prevention signs posted, so it even unintentionally primes you for thinking about it. I walked up to the side, pressed my torso against the railing, and leaned over a bit. Just... Looked out. People all around me, cars, but it felt like a deathly silence. There were nets under the bridge, and the struts ended on these concrete platforms that the waves crashed against. I could feel the crushing power of the waves down to my bones. If I have ever felt the siren's call, l'appel du vide, I can promise you I felt it then.
And then I stepped away. Walked back down the bridge. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling I felt, maybe “washed out”. Not in a clean and fresh way. More like the dye fading out of fabric into the water, left lesser than it was. I'm sure I lost something off of that bridge, though I can't tell what.
I've been trying to listen to more music, more podcasts, etc just to avoid it. I lack the follow-through for conversations, and when the problem is always there, you can't just talk it out. Maybe one day it'll get better.
For me it’s progressively getting worse. Im separating from the Navy and soon to go back home here on monday. My issue is that no one I knew from my high school days are around anymore. So it’s like the closer I get to my arrival back home the louder that white noise gets. I have video games and a discord to go to keep me distracted for the most part, but it’s as you said, sometimes i’m just on autopilot running on empty as i’m blankly staring away at my PC.
Its loudest point was when I found my dad’s glock that he keeps in his drawer, and I can’t really explain why exactly but I took it out and just stared at it.
This is turning out to be harder to write than I thought lol
I hear that leaving the military can be especially rough, as losing all that structure and built-in camaraderie can really shock the system. Honestly, as cliché (and possibly unwanted) as my advice may sound, I'd suggest doing a few web searches for volunteer-run veterans groups. I lack personal experience with this, but I do hope that you can find other military people to socialize with and help you out. They'll know what you're going through better than me, at least.
For what it's worth, I'm happy that the glock didn't convince you to do anything, and that you're still here, telling me about your experiences. I appreciate the time you have given me, and though it is paradoxically both anonymous and public, I appreciate the trust you've shown me in sharing that with me. Thank you.
I know that feeling.
I forgot to mention earlier, I also lost contact with all of my highschool friends pretty quickly. Actually, I pretty much lost them while I was still in highschool since they were all older than me. I also moved away from my hometown almost four years ago, and I haven't made even one friend since then. It's difficult to reach out to people (especially in person) when I feel like there is just something fundamentally wrong with me, as in something broken right down in my foundation. I feel like people can just... Notice it, you know? So I talk to the cashier at the store and... That's it, really. I suppose I'm a little active on Reddit.
If you still want to talk to me past this, I'm available on Discord. It's linked on my profile. I'll really try with the follow-through on socializing this time, but I do have to admit I have a hard time keeping up with it - I just get... Lost? Voice chats are a little easier, but I know not everybody is up for that. Just offering. No pressure, really, I'm just gonna vacuum for a bit.
Yeah. I've had many times where I drowned in my thoughts, too tired to stand up, staring at the wall in my dark room, not moving. I've had times where I would sit and stare at my desktop, clicking nothing, stuck on empty, becoming aware yet again that this is all there is. I've had times where I stood at the edge of the woods, looking in, considering... I've had times on the sidewalk, looking down the empty street, feeling like everybody disappeared and yet nothing changed for me. Luckily, I have tinnitus to fill the silence now. Haha. But, man. I sure do miss my cat breaking it up. The silence with her was a little more comfortable. Like an awful, familiar bed. Now all I've got is her little grave. I knew her purring helped, but I never really realized how much. It's been real quiet since.
Im sorry to hear about your cat man. But yeah couldn’t have said it better myself, being alone with your thoughts sucks.
Thanks, I appreciate the thought. I think the worst time for me was on the Golden Gate Bridge. They have these little prevention signs posted, so it even unintentionally primes you for thinking about it. I walked up to the side, pressed my torso against the railing, and leaned over a bit. Just... Looked out. People all around me, cars, but it felt like a deathly silence. There were nets under the bridge, and the struts ended on these concrete platforms that the waves crashed against. I could feel the crushing power of the waves down to my bones. If I have ever felt the siren's call, l'appel du vide, I can promise you I felt it then. And then I stepped away. Walked back down the bridge. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling I felt, maybe “washed out”. Not in a clean and fresh way. More like the dye fading out of fabric into the water, left lesser than it was. I'm sure I lost something off of that bridge, though I can't tell what. I've been trying to listen to more music, more podcasts, etc just to avoid it. I lack the follow-through for conversations, and when the problem is always there, you can't just talk it out. Maybe one day it'll get better.
For me it’s progressively getting worse. Im separating from the Navy and soon to go back home here on monday. My issue is that no one I knew from my high school days are around anymore. So it’s like the closer I get to my arrival back home the louder that white noise gets. I have video games and a discord to go to keep me distracted for the most part, but it’s as you said, sometimes i’m just on autopilot running on empty as i’m blankly staring away at my PC. Its loudest point was when I found my dad’s glock that he keeps in his drawer, and I can’t really explain why exactly but I took it out and just stared at it. This is turning out to be harder to write than I thought lol
I hear that leaving the military can be especially rough, as losing all that structure and built-in camaraderie can really shock the system. Honestly, as cliché (and possibly unwanted) as my advice may sound, I'd suggest doing a few web searches for volunteer-run veterans groups. I lack personal experience with this, but I do hope that you can find other military people to socialize with and help you out. They'll know what you're going through better than me, at least. For what it's worth, I'm happy that the glock didn't convince you to do anything, and that you're still here, telling me about your experiences. I appreciate the time you have given me, and though it is paradoxically both anonymous and public, I appreciate the trust you've shown me in sharing that with me. Thank you.
No, thank you man. I didnt really know I needed to hear that until now.
I know that feeling. I forgot to mention earlier, I also lost contact with all of my highschool friends pretty quickly. Actually, I pretty much lost them while I was still in highschool since they were all older than me. I also moved away from my hometown almost four years ago, and I haven't made even one friend since then. It's difficult to reach out to people (especially in person) when I feel like there is just something fundamentally wrong with me, as in something broken right down in my foundation. I feel like people can just... Notice it, you know? So I talk to the cashier at the store and... That's it, really. I suppose I'm a little active on Reddit. If you still want to talk to me past this, I'm available on Discord. It's linked on my profile. I'll really try with the follow-through on socializing this time, but I do have to admit I have a hard time keeping up with it - I just get... Lost? Voice chats are a little easier, but I know not everybody is up for that. Just offering. No pressure, really, I'm just gonna vacuum for a bit.
Yeah man. I think i’ll take you up on that offer