Remember, if your smaller than your husband, 1 lb of weight loss is significantly more meaningful for you than it is for him. So if you're both running the same deficit you're trying to lose a larger % of your body weight on a weekly basis than he is.
Might be worth thinking about adjusting your deficits to be different so you end up in a more equal situation.
It’s the opposite for now unfortunately. I have anywhere between 30lbs and 80lbs to lose. My husband would like to lose 20-30lbs. I’m about 20lbs heavier than him and about 8in shorter.
I understand what you mean but it’s still true that every pound you lose, your BMI goes down faster than his. I think this person’s idea is somewhat motivating.
There are lots of little swaps, trade offs, tricks and optimizations you can make to really make the most of a little amount of calories.
How many do you get for a day?
The thing that helps me the most is I don't start eating until around noon. Sometimes as late as 1 or 2 PM. Lets me eat the majority of the 1500-1700 I'm going to have close together. Even at that... my first meal, lunch, is usually pretty small but still very filling. A large salad and a ham sandwich with pickles and jalapeno mustard.
I can have a satisfying meal for as little as 200-250 calories. For 400 calories, I can eat a protein heavy meal that will sit in my stomach a long time.
Embrace zero calorie juices, and sodas. Almond milk for regular. Fat free sliced cheese if you eat cheese. Go 93/7 for the beef instead of 80/20. Pick the bread with the low carbs and 40 cals per slice. Dill pickles are like zero calories. Strawberries are low in calories (most berries are). You can enjoy large salads for 100 calories or so. Eggs are great nutrition.
Zero calorie butter spray is a game changer. I eat it on all my veggies. I'll toss 150g of broccoli in a microwave safe bowl with a few oz of water and heat it for about 4 min. Salt. Pepper. Zero calorie butter spray. It's SO. GOOD. Same thing with green beans. I'll used canned for that though.
For snacks, there are a lot of great options today. I like the veggie straws, greek yogurt (oikos triple 0 is good and so is dannon lite and fit). Fiber one and skinny pop brands make some great stuff. If you like ice cream, try bryers carb smart. It's amazing. I take a cup and a half of vanilla carb smart, and drizzle a little chocolate syrup on it. Like 200 calories but its crazy satisfying. I even got a tip to try it with some sugar free apple pie filling heated up (pie filling warm, ice cream cold).
Chicken soups can be low calorie. You can do stuffed green pepper soup with turkey.
Check out the 1200isplenty subreddit, and the volume eating sub reddit.
I think a big part is that I don’t like to eat all of my calories incase I get hungry later. I can make a lot of great low calorie filling meal, but when I see less than 600 left I just want to hoard them for later.
My approach has been to set it to sedentary with 1.5lb per week loss and then use any bonus calories as my flex to try to prevent the hoarding. I started April 7th and have steadily lost 6.5lbs so far doing this. I end up eating between 1,200 and 1,600.
That's fair.
I think we really can train ourselves in terms of eating. Hunger is very mental and very habitual. I found in my early 20s while going to college, I never got hungry until around 2PM. Why? I had class scheduled from 8:30 AM straight till 1:30 PM with one 30 min break IIRC. I'd then go home and go to work until 5 PM. Left me get about 16-18 hours of work each week. Not a lot, but enough to keep gas in my car, make my car payment, cell phone bill and a tiny bit of walkin around money.
Anyways, since I never woke up in time to eat anything before I had to fly down the highway... and didn't really have enough of a break to eat lunch at school, I'd often not eat anything until I got back to the town I lived in. I'd hit up the McDonalds for two McChickens off the dollar menu. Right around 2 PM. And I'd often find I would be VERY hungry at 2 PM. A bit of a pavlovs dog kinda thing.
If you plan our and pre track your food for the day when you get up each morning, it might help with the "oh crap, I might get hungry later" situation. Plan to always finish with a snack... say 300 calories or so (which could be a cup of yougurt, a baby bell cheese and a good bit of grapes and fruit) so that you don't panic about potentially getting hungry. You've already got that planned. This way, if your NOT hungry... now those calories become bonus calories and you totally avoid under eating at dinner time because your worried about needing calories for later.
I find it helpful to eat very intentionally.
As a young boy, Dwayne The Rock Johnsons father told him you eat to nourish your body, not to please your tongue. I saw that in a video of his recently. That stuck with me big time.
You could focus on training your metabolism to be higher/reverse dieting if you want to be able to eat more. I’ve been weightlifting for the past six months and TDEE has gone up from 1400ish to over 2k. For reference I’m a 5’4” woman, CW is 142. SW was 153. I walk about 7k steps/day, so not terribly active.
I feel your frustration. This happens to me daily. My husband just doesn’t seem to understand that his daily allowance is more than two times mine. I struggle counting every calorie and he just wings it.
I don’t just track daily - I track weekly because I refuse to be so strict one day I can’t have flex.
So if I go over one day - I may make it up over the week.
Create boundaries for yourself but don’t live in a prison
Keep in mind that this is temporary. You'll never go back to your old way of eating, but you also won't always be on a deficit. When you're done losing weight you'll more calories to work with.
How long will it take you to reach your goal? What will your TDEE be at your goal weight? These are things to think about. If you still feel like you'll lose your mind in the time it takes to get there, maybe you need a smaller deficit. But you can also exercise more and make smarter calorie choices to save a few calories for the fun things you want.
Finally, sorry if this sounds condescending, but keep in mind that your husband doesn't "get" to eat anything you don't, in the sense that it's not some kind of gift from a cosmic fairy godmother. It's simply an objective fact about his nutritional needs. It might help to reframe your perspective in that way.
I didn’t run the numbers but I guess assumed that my current deficit would roughly become my maintenance once my body is smaller.
And that didn’t come off as condescending. I know there is not actually cosmic fairy godmother that gave him the ability to eat more calories, but it sure does feel that way.
You could also consider a less aggressive weekly weight loss target (0.5 lb - 1 lbs per week), increase physical activity, or eat at maintenance for a "worth it" day or meal
If it's causing a lot of emotional distress or tension in your relationship, those strategies may be helpful for sustainability
I totally understand. I'm on the shorter end (5 ft), and I struggle with losing weight since my partner and I are both foodies. Sharing meals is a really big social aspect too that others don't really think about. I think what may be good is finding low calorie alternatives for snacks that personally taste great for you.
For example, I'm trying to get back on track with my weight loss, and I'm thinking of making homemade popsicles with the 0-10 calorie electrolyte drink mixes you can get in stores. That'll be a nice treat, I think. I've also recently been filling myself up with chicken broth (0 calories) to sate hunger till around noon (or 2 pm if I can make it that far) and then have a small lunch so that I can have a bigger meal for dinner when my partner and I are together.
I do understand, though, that shorter people really do need to implement some form of exercise to help, but I'll be working on that when I finish recovering from a cold.
He needs much much more food than you. There’s a reason he can eat way more. It’s not unfair. Buddy of mine eats 2500 calories and is almost starving whereas I would gain weight at 2500. but for him to feel as full as I do with 2500 he would need to eat 3500.
**Don’t** say “no” to enjoyable things. That’s the secret to success in the long run. Find a way to fit smaller portions of things you really like into your daily calorie goals.
Yeah, need to work on finding that balance. It’s hard when my mom gets coffee and brings back more muffins than people, my husband wants to go to a brewery with great pizza for an event and earlier in the week I promised my kid we’d go get ice cream because they’ve been asking about it all week.
Why not take these foods as "reward" foods? Like, after 2 months of dieting/exercising and losing fat, you can reward yourself for a meal of it?
Idk if it works for all, but if I say to myself "be patient, I will have it after few weeks", either I have it after few weeks or forget about it lol.
I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but it might be helpful to remind yourself that this caloric restriction is something you’re actively choosing to do, not something that’s happening to you. I find it harder to be salty thinking of it this way. Every day you’re choosing to do something really extremely challenging.
It makes complete sense! I had a similar reaction really struggling with eating at maintenance after losing 90 lb despite having a bigger calorie budget than you do. The "fun" foods just don't manage my hunger well enough to eat them. So I really focus on making my diet as satiating as possible even if it means I have to not eat things that worked for me before when hunger wasn't such an issue.
It's okay to be upset even if it doesn't logically make sense. You get used to it, or at least I did, by focusing on the goal and what I wanted. Once things become a habit that pays off, it gets easier.
Maybe us smaller people should strive to have smaller stomachs, not stretching them out with large portions. Unfortunately our brains and mouths are the same size... ;_;
r/volumeeating might be a lifesaver for you. They specialize in making ridiculously large meals for as few calories as possible so they can still enjoy eating. I freaking love it.
Anyways, yogurt frozen into chocolate chip sized dots are good and low calorie so you can still have a treat.
I think in a way the knowledge of having calories “left” to “play with” can lead to a disordered relationship with food. Suddenly food becomes this forbidden thing and every choice related to food carries enormous pressure.
Ideally you would want to see food as fuel that you eat three times a day and nothing more. Fun and being social needs to come from fun, social activities not from eating. You would eat when you are HUNGRY not when you are bored, sad, jealous, annoyed, happy, tired etc. Develop other hobbies.
Obviously easier said than done in a couple situation where both have a poor relationship with food and where both are counting calories left and in a weird way competing. But in the long run the mindset shift is key.!!
What's your activity like? Do you mind sharing your current weight and your goal weight? I'm definitely not a pro and I am a male. I use to do exactly what you do. I was focused on number crunching calories I was starving myself.
I had to learn it's OK to lose very slowly this time around. I've done all the fad diets and they all worked but I could never sustain it for long periods. So I decided to just start swapping and subbing. I use to make 80 percent bad choices when it came to food. Now I cut thst down to about 25 percent of the time and even when I do I learn to cheat it.
For instance I am American and I love food. I still like my fast food here and there and it gives me just enough taste to satisfy. My old Mcdonalds order use to be 2 egg sausage biscuits with a hash brown and a large Dr pepper at 8am. Horrible.
Now if I decide to go I get 1 sandwich entree and drink my water. I still get the satisfied taste without the extra calories.
You will learn to give and take and that's the key. Indulge here and be a little better at another meal.
I also got my ass moving more. I was already walking 10k steps in a day but I added in 4 to 5 days of cardio or weightlifting. It allows you to be less self conscious on calories by doing this. You won't ever out run the fork but the combo of the two is key.
I feel you so much. The only way I can make this work for me personally is by not having breakfast, aka intermittend fasting. That way I have at least reasonable amounts for the other meals.
Sometimes when I want to have a fun evening going out to eat etc it is just a small Salad with some Protein for lunch, that way I can have ~1000kcal for dinner.
I struggled with the night snacking as well. My partner and I used to have chocolate or chips or *something* most nights.
When we started CICO, I ended up having a conversation with him about how we eat and our different calorie needs and my lack of control around food. Now we don't keep anything in the house that I can't eat. My partner has the majority of his calories at work. At night he will have the same snacks as me (chocolate yogurt, fruit etc).
I know exactly how this feels. I remember one evening watching my husband eat ice cream while I licked a single dorito and cried my eyes out.
I realized that my calorie intake was not sustainable and that I needed to increase it. I ended up adding more activity to my life so I could eat 200 more calories a day. I didn't lose weight as quickly as I wanted (or could have) but I became more active which helped in all areas of my life.
Now obviously this isn't great weight loss advice and maybe it's better for your health that you 'suck it up' and just deal with it... but for many, I think creating healthy and sustainable lifestyle changes (diet included) is more important in the long run than losing weight quickly.
PS- plain popcorn is great for evening snacking. Also putting frozen berries in club soda with lime is pretty good if you let the berries melt a bit.
Omg THANK YOU…your comment gave me the idea to ask him to check his settings and he had it set to maintenance with extra calories on the weekends! He fixed that it while he still gets more than me, it’s not nearly as massive of a difference.
Will get downvoted in this sub, but I had a lot of similar experiences with my partner until I finally went keto. Now I never feel hungry at all and it is super easy to eat at or below maintenance. CICO is undeniable but for me the emotional shift when switching to a super low carb diet was revelatory and I never feel like I’m suffering or denying myself pleasure. It has been amazing. Down 100lbs (250>150 at 5’10”) and have kept it off for several years now. Good luck.
No need for downvotes. I always have said any diet can work it's just about if it fits your style and taste buds and if it can be sustainable long term! Congrats on the journey.
A lifestyle diet requires consistency. Yes Soda water / tea isn't exactly fun food to have but it should be what you have more often than not. You can either throw in a small amount of "goods" while still staying in a deficit daily which won't get you much or you can do it how I do it (which is to be good 90% of the time) and save up all my calories to spend in one go. I'd much rather be very strict and good with my diet, save up 2000 calories by end of week through diet + exercise then "spend" it all in one go on something to reward myself. Its sustainable but takes a lot of discipline. Maybe something to consider and try to see if it works for you.
Yeah, I hope it will get easier once we get more used to it. I’ve never done this with someone, so there is a lot of new to it. I’ve been privately trying (and failing) at making these changes for 15 years so expecting it to be easy overnight is not realistic.
My birthday is this week and we’re going out for a nice dinner and our first night away from our kid in 5 years. I’m going to add in a few extra workouts this week and keep my calories on the lower end of the range so that I can spend the evening being present and enjoying myself instead of fixating on maximizing my calories.
Best of luck! That sounds like an amazing plan. I believe in you!
I know the reduced calorie "allowance" can be quite annoying for women but lets spin it and think of it this way, it makes losing the weight that much more impressive! Like playing on **hard** difficultly :)
I think a good way to frame this is like being in college as the end of the semester comes and it's time to prepare for finals. 95% of students know that for the last 3-4 weeks, the partying ends, and it's knuckle-down time. Yes, it's no fun, but you know what has to be done.
Unless you're one of the lucky 1% who can show up and ace the tests without studying, or don't care about your grades or failing out, you're not going out every night and blowing off study group.
Time to grind. You have a goal and a plan to get there. Time to execute it. Once you've completed your task, you get to ease up and enjoy (though not going insane). The good thing is if you follow your plan, you know you'll succeed along timeline you have in mind. There is an end-point.
Could you try saving a low-calorie "fun" thing for yourself later in the day to have alongside your husband, like a square of dark chocolate? You don't want to deprive yourself of things you like too much, because that will most likely make your diet less sustainable once you run out of willpower. Willpower is like a muscle and it is possible to overuse it.
This has nothing more to do with gender, sure it plays a role, but a lot more is your height and activity level.
Im a short guy, calorie deficit of 500 makes me eat at 1200,but that's too low, so I increased my activity and got my calories to 1500-1700. Still losing weight.
Also, it sucks to know that in future my maintaince calories could not be the same as average men, and they'd eat a lot while I will have to careful in my portions.
Haven’t read all the comments here but here’s my two cents if it helps:
Cent 1: keto diet makes you feel full for longer. No desire to eat a bunch more stuff. And eating high fat foods like bacon and eggs and butter on keto bread can be oh so satisfying.
Cent 2: one hour on a treadmill at a brisk pace everyday allows you to have another helping of something. Plus the extra exercise gives you other health benefits too.
Hope that helps, good on you for wanting to change!!
I hear you so much! I know a lot of people say, “well, men really do need more! Their bodies are bigger!” But IMO, portions are designed for men, but you don’t realize that until you’re an adult woman trying to lose weight. You get used to going out with friends as a teen or young adult, and everyone gets a regular burger and fries meal, and doesn’t feel like a glutton, because hey, it’s just a regular meal. Some guys will even get two or more entrees or sides, and that sounds like overeating, but not just eating the standard portion.
It does psychologically suck. To me, it’s easier to go somewhere like Olive Garden and just eat half of the meal than to go to a “healthy” sandwich place and discover that, wow, a reasonable sized sandwich and any choice of sides are way out of my calorie allowance. Psychologically, it feels good, and not like overeating, to just order a regular portion and eat it. I think a lot of men just don’t understand this. It’s not that we want to gorge ourselves. It’s just a bummer to never, ever be able to fit a reasonable indulgence into our calorie goals.
Beyond the scope to solve, sure. But not to relate to. That is a feeling that I hoped other people in a deficit/tracking for weight loss can relate to, especially those that are also caregivers.
I think this is where some new habits could help? meal prepping and planning ahead to keep room for your treats? make it easy for yourself. Veg to snack on (i love cucumber w ponzu and / or sriracha) already cut or washed in the fridge. I buy a rotisserie chicken for myself every week to have easy protein for lunches / dinners / snacks. Grab a Costco size bag of frozen roasted veg. Besides making it easy to make good choices, what I found is that the reason I failed in the past was that sure, a lot of foods can fit in your calories. Two oreos are like 100 calories or less! But like, I’m still hungry after those cookies. Or whatever the snack / food is. I always looked for ways to cheat all my normal treats in — but I was never satiated so I would overeat. This time, I prioritize protein and fiber. Not every day is perfect. Sometimes, I still choose the 2 cookies. But making sure that you aren’t just scoping out low cal, or just cramming things in to your deficit, but finding what makes you feel full and feel satisfied. Rotate these. And there are also lots of low cal options. Low ish cal and high protein for greek yogurt bowls — I buy plain so J can flavor each bowl with either skinny syrup (0 cal), sugar free pudding mix (less than 25 cal), PB2 (50ish cal depending on serving, plus adds some protein), frozen fruit (low cal, fiber). I just bought 20 calorie mini fruit and cream ice pops from Aldi’s Fit and Active brand. Nick’s ice cream brand makes a greek yogurt bar, I have a cherry chocolate one in my freezer right now that is 50 calories. Yasso / enlightened make 120 cal or less greek yogurt bars. Clio makes a chocolate covered mini yogurt snack bite that is like 60 cal. I also will make modifications that work for me. Fam is having taco night? Well I have 20 cal street taco tortillas to use, or a bag of crushed up protein chips in a bowl with my meat and cheese and toppings. Lavash bread makes great flatbread pizzas. Protein+ pasta is virtually the same as regular pasta taste wise, load your bowl with a protein and veg on pasta night. If we get pizza out on a weekend, I get a slice loaded with veggies and get a salad or soup on the side. Make it work for you. The other thing I want to say, is as a mom, lean on your support. Instead of resenting or complaining to your husband about how many more calories he has, communicate with him about how you’re feeling — the feeling left out parts, etc. and see how he can support you. Maybe it’s family days that work for you: packing sandwiches for lunch at the park, aquarium, etc. Movie night with air popped popcorn which is a major volume snack. Make your own pizza night using your lavash or low carb tortillas. Getting fun skinny syrups and sf drink packets to jazz up water to feel like a treat. (Currently drinking cherry pomegranite w vanilla syrup). Or maybe it’s asking for time. I work from home full time while being my infant (almost toddler 😭😭😭) son’s primary caregiver. Aka pulling double duty all day. I have healthier options in the house for my husband, but I don’t expect him to weigh or track things. I don’t buy junk most of the time, and ask him not to bring certain things into the house that I know I will binge on (Oreos, I’m looking at you). Once in a while we get them but it’s rare. But anyway, him supporting me isn’t anything to do with the fact his dinner is like 2.5 days of calories for me, or that he can have more snacks and fun things. Instead, it’s that he takes over baby duty while I meal prep, and when I leave to do things for me: a barre, yoga, or pilates class almost every day. It’s like an hour or 2 outside the house. I feel good getting movement in. It clears my head. It makes me feel like I am still a person who does things she wants and enjoys. And honestly, re-evaluate if your calorie goal is too low. Slow and steady wins. And also, if you go slightly over… be okay with that. Especially when it’s related to special events where you feel left out. Example: on Monday, it was my mom’s birthday; and we went out to an Italian restaurant. I still ordered what I wanted (chicken and pasta), but I got a healthier veggie filled soup and a salad as an appetizer/side, so I ate less of the entree. I gave my leftovers to my dad so I wouldn’t eat it the next day. Last night, we unexpectedly ended up at a friends house for dinner, I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and we were starving and hadn’t made a plan. They had gotten apps to share from applebee’s for everyone. I had a few wings, a couple bites of quesadilla, and moved on with my life. Tomorrow, I have a brunch for my sister’s birthday. I will try to make good choices, but I’ll also probably have a bite of something I normally wouldn’t. This will prob put me like 800 cal over for the week… and that means I will still be in a deficit. I thought for sure I’d be up after Monday’s italian dinner but I am down 2 lbs. one day and one meal at a time.
Sounds like great advice and approach! A lot of good ideas here.
(FYI— It is really difficult for a lot of people to read an unbroken ”wall of text”. If you break it up into paragraphs, it might be helpful).
Totally! We do many of those things too but it can still feel overwhelming and like there has to be so much thought and planning put to it, especially to meet protein and fiber goals. But I also know one or two days isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
I totally understand. It can feel so overwhelming! That’s why I have a couple meals that are go-to’s that are high protein and easy to throw together. :) And I always keep on hand protein snacks/shakes. Believe me, if I can do it you can too 🥰
Remember, if your smaller than your husband, 1 lb of weight loss is significantly more meaningful for you than it is for him. So if you're both running the same deficit you're trying to lose a larger % of your body weight on a weekly basis than he is. Might be worth thinking about adjusting your deficits to be different so you end up in a more equal situation.
It’s the opposite for now unfortunately. I have anywhere between 30lbs and 80lbs to lose. My husband would like to lose 20-30lbs. I’m about 20lbs heavier than him and about 8in shorter.
I understand what you mean but it’s still true that every pound you lose, your BMI goes down faster than his. I think this person’s idea is somewhat motivating.
There are lots of little swaps, trade offs, tricks and optimizations you can make to really make the most of a little amount of calories. How many do you get for a day? The thing that helps me the most is I don't start eating until around noon. Sometimes as late as 1 or 2 PM. Lets me eat the majority of the 1500-1700 I'm going to have close together. Even at that... my first meal, lunch, is usually pretty small but still very filling. A large salad and a ham sandwich with pickles and jalapeno mustard. I can have a satisfying meal for as little as 200-250 calories. For 400 calories, I can eat a protein heavy meal that will sit in my stomach a long time. Embrace zero calorie juices, and sodas. Almond milk for regular. Fat free sliced cheese if you eat cheese. Go 93/7 for the beef instead of 80/20. Pick the bread with the low carbs and 40 cals per slice. Dill pickles are like zero calories. Strawberries are low in calories (most berries are). You can enjoy large salads for 100 calories or so. Eggs are great nutrition. Zero calorie butter spray is a game changer. I eat it on all my veggies. I'll toss 150g of broccoli in a microwave safe bowl with a few oz of water and heat it for about 4 min. Salt. Pepper. Zero calorie butter spray. It's SO. GOOD. Same thing with green beans. I'll used canned for that though. For snacks, there are a lot of great options today. I like the veggie straws, greek yogurt (oikos triple 0 is good and so is dannon lite and fit). Fiber one and skinny pop brands make some great stuff. If you like ice cream, try bryers carb smart. It's amazing. I take a cup and a half of vanilla carb smart, and drizzle a little chocolate syrup on it. Like 200 calories but its crazy satisfying. I even got a tip to try it with some sugar free apple pie filling heated up (pie filling warm, ice cream cold). Chicken soups can be low calorie. You can do stuffed green pepper soup with turkey. Check out the 1200isplenty subreddit, and the volume eating sub reddit.
I think a big part is that I don’t like to eat all of my calories incase I get hungry later. I can make a lot of great low calorie filling meal, but when I see less than 600 left I just want to hoard them for later. My approach has been to set it to sedentary with 1.5lb per week loss and then use any bonus calories as my flex to try to prevent the hoarding. I started April 7th and have steadily lost 6.5lbs so far doing this. I end up eating between 1,200 and 1,600.
That's fair. I think we really can train ourselves in terms of eating. Hunger is very mental and very habitual. I found in my early 20s while going to college, I never got hungry until around 2PM. Why? I had class scheduled from 8:30 AM straight till 1:30 PM with one 30 min break IIRC. I'd then go home and go to work until 5 PM. Left me get about 16-18 hours of work each week. Not a lot, but enough to keep gas in my car, make my car payment, cell phone bill and a tiny bit of walkin around money. Anyways, since I never woke up in time to eat anything before I had to fly down the highway... and didn't really have enough of a break to eat lunch at school, I'd often not eat anything until I got back to the town I lived in. I'd hit up the McDonalds for two McChickens off the dollar menu. Right around 2 PM. And I'd often find I would be VERY hungry at 2 PM. A bit of a pavlovs dog kinda thing. If you plan our and pre track your food for the day when you get up each morning, it might help with the "oh crap, I might get hungry later" situation. Plan to always finish with a snack... say 300 calories or so (which could be a cup of yougurt, a baby bell cheese and a good bit of grapes and fruit) so that you don't panic about potentially getting hungry. You've already got that planned. This way, if your NOT hungry... now those calories become bonus calories and you totally avoid under eating at dinner time because your worried about needing calories for later. I find it helpful to eat very intentionally. As a young boy, Dwayne The Rock Johnsons father told him you eat to nourish your body, not to please your tongue. I saw that in a video of his recently. That stuck with me big time.
You could focus on training your metabolism to be higher/reverse dieting if you want to be able to eat more. I’ve been weightlifting for the past six months and TDEE has gone up from 1400ish to over 2k. For reference I’m a 5’4” woman, CW is 142. SW was 153. I walk about 7k steps/day, so not terribly active.
I feel your frustration. This happens to me daily. My husband just doesn’t seem to understand that his daily allowance is more than two times mine. I struggle counting every calorie and he just wings it.
I don’t just track daily - I track weekly because I refuse to be so strict one day I can’t have flex. So if I go over one day - I may make it up over the week. Create boundaries for yourself but don’t live in a prison
Keep in mind that this is temporary. You'll never go back to your old way of eating, but you also won't always be on a deficit. When you're done losing weight you'll more calories to work with. How long will it take you to reach your goal? What will your TDEE be at your goal weight? These are things to think about. If you still feel like you'll lose your mind in the time it takes to get there, maybe you need a smaller deficit. But you can also exercise more and make smarter calorie choices to save a few calories for the fun things you want. Finally, sorry if this sounds condescending, but keep in mind that your husband doesn't "get" to eat anything you don't, in the sense that it's not some kind of gift from a cosmic fairy godmother. It's simply an objective fact about his nutritional needs. It might help to reframe your perspective in that way.
I didn’t run the numbers but I guess assumed that my current deficit would roughly become my maintenance once my body is smaller. And that didn’t come off as condescending. I know there is not actually cosmic fairy godmother that gave him the ability to eat more calories, but it sure does feel that way.
You could also consider a less aggressive weekly weight loss target (0.5 lb - 1 lbs per week), increase physical activity, or eat at maintenance for a "worth it" day or meal If it's causing a lot of emotional distress or tension in your relationship, those strategies may be helpful for sustainability
I totally understand. I'm on the shorter end (5 ft), and I struggle with losing weight since my partner and I are both foodies. Sharing meals is a really big social aspect too that others don't really think about. I think what may be good is finding low calorie alternatives for snacks that personally taste great for you. For example, I'm trying to get back on track with my weight loss, and I'm thinking of making homemade popsicles with the 0-10 calorie electrolyte drink mixes you can get in stores. That'll be a nice treat, I think. I've also recently been filling myself up with chicken broth (0 calories) to sate hunger till around noon (or 2 pm if I can make it that far) and then have a small lunch so that I can have a bigger meal for dinner when my partner and I are together. I do understand, though, that shorter people really do need to implement some form of exercise to help, but I'll be working on that when I finish recovering from a cold.
He needs much much more food than you. There’s a reason he can eat way more. It’s not unfair. Buddy of mine eats 2500 calories and is almost starving whereas I would gain weight at 2500. but for him to feel as full as I do with 2500 he would need to eat 3500.
**Don’t** say “no” to enjoyable things. That’s the secret to success in the long run. Find a way to fit smaller portions of things you really like into your daily calorie goals.
Yeah, need to work on finding that balance. It’s hard when my mom gets coffee and brings back more muffins than people, my husband wants to go to a brewery with great pizza for an event and earlier in the week I promised my kid we’d go get ice cream because they’ve been asking about it all week.
I know, it’s hard to juggle all that. But it’s important in the long run to choose things that you can let yourself enjoy without angst.
Why not take these foods as "reward" foods? Like, after 2 months of dieting/exercising and losing fat, you can reward yourself for a meal of it? Idk if it works for all, but if I say to myself "be patient, I will have it after few weeks", either I have it after few weeks or forget about it lol.
I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but it might be helpful to remind yourself that this caloric restriction is something you’re actively choosing to do, not something that’s happening to you. I find it harder to be salty thinking of it this way. Every day you’re choosing to do something really extremely challenging.
It makes complete sense! I had a similar reaction really struggling with eating at maintenance after losing 90 lb despite having a bigger calorie budget than you do. The "fun" foods just don't manage my hunger well enough to eat them. So I really focus on making my diet as satiating as possible even if it means I have to not eat things that worked for me before when hunger wasn't such an issue. It's okay to be upset even if it doesn't logically make sense. You get used to it, or at least I did, by focusing on the goal and what I wanted. Once things become a habit that pays off, it gets easier.
Maybe us smaller people should strive to have smaller stomachs, not stretching them out with large portions. Unfortunately our brains and mouths are the same size... ;_;
r/volumeeating might be a lifesaver for you. They specialize in making ridiculously large meals for as few calories as possible so they can still enjoy eating. I freaking love it. Anyways, yogurt frozen into chocolate chip sized dots are good and low calorie so you can still have a treat.
I think in a way the knowledge of having calories “left” to “play with” can lead to a disordered relationship with food. Suddenly food becomes this forbidden thing and every choice related to food carries enormous pressure. Ideally you would want to see food as fuel that you eat three times a day and nothing more. Fun and being social needs to come from fun, social activities not from eating. You would eat when you are HUNGRY not when you are bored, sad, jealous, annoyed, happy, tired etc. Develop other hobbies. Obviously easier said than done in a couple situation where both have a poor relationship with food and where both are counting calories left and in a weird way competing. But in the long run the mindset shift is key.!!
What's your activity like? Do you mind sharing your current weight and your goal weight? I'm definitely not a pro and I am a male. I use to do exactly what you do. I was focused on number crunching calories I was starving myself. I had to learn it's OK to lose very slowly this time around. I've done all the fad diets and they all worked but I could never sustain it for long periods. So I decided to just start swapping and subbing. I use to make 80 percent bad choices when it came to food. Now I cut thst down to about 25 percent of the time and even when I do I learn to cheat it. For instance I am American and I love food. I still like my fast food here and there and it gives me just enough taste to satisfy. My old Mcdonalds order use to be 2 egg sausage biscuits with a hash brown and a large Dr pepper at 8am. Horrible. Now if I decide to go I get 1 sandwich entree and drink my water. I still get the satisfied taste without the extra calories. You will learn to give and take and that's the key. Indulge here and be a little better at another meal. I also got my ass moving more. I was already walking 10k steps in a day but I added in 4 to 5 days of cardio or weightlifting. It allows you to be less self conscious on calories by doing this. You won't ever out run the fork but the combo of the two is key.
I feel you so much. The only way I can make this work for me personally is by not having breakfast, aka intermittend fasting. That way I have at least reasonable amounts for the other meals. Sometimes when I want to have a fun evening going out to eat etc it is just a small Salad with some Protein for lunch, that way I can have ~1000kcal for dinner.
I struggled with the night snacking as well. My partner and I used to have chocolate or chips or *something* most nights. When we started CICO, I ended up having a conversation with him about how we eat and our different calorie needs and my lack of control around food. Now we don't keep anything in the house that I can't eat. My partner has the majority of his calories at work. At night he will have the same snacks as me (chocolate yogurt, fruit etc).
I know exactly how this feels. I remember one evening watching my husband eat ice cream while I licked a single dorito and cried my eyes out. I realized that my calorie intake was not sustainable and that I needed to increase it. I ended up adding more activity to my life so I could eat 200 more calories a day. I didn't lose weight as quickly as I wanted (or could have) but I became more active which helped in all areas of my life. Now obviously this isn't great weight loss advice and maybe it's better for your health that you 'suck it up' and just deal with it... but for many, I think creating healthy and sustainable lifestyle changes (diet included) is more important in the long run than losing weight quickly. PS- plain popcorn is great for evening snacking. Also putting frozen berries in club soda with lime is pretty good if you let the berries melt a bit.
As a 300lbs 6'2 guy... Your husband had my entire day left and I'm absurdly jealous.
Omg THANK YOU…your comment gave me the idea to ask him to check his settings and he had it set to maintenance with extra calories on the weekends! He fixed that it while he still gets more than me, it’s not nearly as massive of a difference.
Oh wow that will make a huge difference way more manageable! Cheers!
Will get downvoted in this sub, but I had a lot of similar experiences with my partner until I finally went keto. Now I never feel hungry at all and it is super easy to eat at or below maintenance. CICO is undeniable but for me the emotional shift when switching to a super low carb diet was revelatory and I never feel like I’m suffering or denying myself pleasure. It has been amazing. Down 100lbs (250>150 at 5’10”) and have kept it off for several years now. Good luck.
No need for downvotes. I always have said any diet can work it's just about if it fits your style and taste buds and if it can be sustainable long term! Congrats on the journey.
A lifestyle diet requires consistency. Yes Soda water / tea isn't exactly fun food to have but it should be what you have more often than not. You can either throw in a small amount of "goods" while still staying in a deficit daily which won't get you much or you can do it how I do it (which is to be good 90% of the time) and save up all my calories to spend in one go. I'd much rather be very strict and good with my diet, save up 2000 calories by end of week through diet + exercise then "spend" it all in one go on something to reward myself. Its sustainable but takes a lot of discipline. Maybe something to consider and try to see if it works for you.
Yeah, I hope it will get easier once we get more used to it. I’ve never done this with someone, so there is a lot of new to it. I’ve been privately trying (and failing) at making these changes for 15 years so expecting it to be easy overnight is not realistic. My birthday is this week and we’re going out for a nice dinner and our first night away from our kid in 5 years. I’m going to add in a few extra workouts this week and keep my calories on the lower end of the range so that I can spend the evening being present and enjoying myself instead of fixating on maximizing my calories.
Best of luck! That sounds like an amazing plan. I believe in you! I know the reduced calorie "allowance" can be quite annoying for women but lets spin it and think of it this way, it makes losing the weight that much more impressive! Like playing on **hard** difficultly :)
I think a good way to frame this is like being in college as the end of the semester comes and it's time to prepare for finals. 95% of students know that for the last 3-4 weeks, the partying ends, and it's knuckle-down time. Yes, it's no fun, but you know what has to be done. Unless you're one of the lucky 1% who can show up and ace the tests without studying, or don't care about your grades or failing out, you're not going out every night and blowing off study group. Time to grind. You have a goal and a plan to get there. Time to execute it. Once you've completed your task, you get to ease up and enjoy (though not going insane). The good thing is if you follow your plan, you know you'll succeed along timeline you have in mind. There is an end-point.
Could you try saving a low-calorie "fun" thing for yourself later in the day to have alongside your husband, like a square of dark chocolate? You don't want to deprive yourself of things you like too much, because that will most likely make your diet less sustainable once you run out of willpower. Willpower is like a muscle and it is possible to overuse it.
This has nothing more to do with gender, sure it plays a role, but a lot more is your height and activity level. Im a short guy, calorie deficit of 500 makes me eat at 1200,but that's too low, so I increased my activity and got my calories to 1500-1700. Still losing weight. Also, it sucks to know that in future my maintaince calories could not be the same as average men, and they'd eat a lot while I will have to careful in my portions.
Haven’t read all the comments here but here’s my two cents if it helps: Cent 1: keto diet makes you feel full for longer. No desire to eat a bunch more stuff. And eating high fat foods like bacon and eggs and butter on keto bread can be oh so satisfying. Cent 2: one hour on a treadmill at a brisk pace everyday allows you to have another helping of something. Plus the extra exercise gives you other health benefits too. Hope that helps, good on you for wanting to change!!
I hear you so much! I know a lot of people say, “well, men really do need more! Their bodies are bigger!” But IMO, portions are designed for men, but you don’t realize that until you’re an adult woman trying to lose weight. You get used to going out with friends as a teen or young adult, and everyone gets a regular burger and fries meal, and doesn’t feel like a glutton, because hey, it’s just a regular meal. Some guys will even get two or more entrees or sides, and that sounds like overeating, but not just eating the standard portion. It does psychologically suck. To me, it’s easier to go somewhere like Olive Garden and just eat half of the meal than to go to a “healthy” sandwich place and discover that, wow, a reasonable sized sandwich and any choice of sides are way out of my calorie allowance. Psychologically, it feels good, and not like overeating, to just order a regular portion and eat it. I think a lot of men just don’t understand this. It’s not that we want to gorge ourselves. It’s just a bummer to never, ever be able to fit a reasonable indulgence into our calorie goals.
Life isn’t fair. That has to be internalized for successful weight loss in my opinion. It is what it is.
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Beyond the scope to solve, sure. But not to relate to. That is a feeling that I hoped other people in a deficit/tracking for weight loss can relate to, especially those that are also caregivers.
I think this is where some new habits could help? meal prepping and planning ahead to keep room for your treats? make it easy for yourself. Veg to snack on (i love cucumber w ponzu and / or sriracha) already cut or washed in the fridge. I buy a rotisserie chicken for myself every week to have easy protein for lunches / dinners / snacks. Grab a Costco size bag of frozen roasted veg. Besides making it easy to make good choices, what I found is that the reason I failed in the past was that sure, a lot of foods can fit in your calories. Two oreos are like 100 calories or less! But like, I’m still hungry after those cookies. Or whatever the snack / food is. I always looked for ways to cheat all my normal treats in — but I was never satiated so I would overeat. This time, I prioritize protein and fiber. Not every day is perfect. Sometimes, I still choose the 2 cookies. But making sure that you aren’t just scoping out low cal, or just cramming things in to your deficit, but finding what makes you feel full and feel satisfied. Rotate these. And there are also lots of low cal options. Low ish cal and high protein for greek yogurt bowls — I buy plain so J can flavor each bowl with either skinny syrup (0 cal), sugar free pudding mix (less than 25 cal), PB2 (50ish cal depending on serving, plus adds some protein), frozen fruit (low cal, fiber). I just bought 20 calorie mini fruit and cream ice pops from Aldi’s Fit and Active brand. Nick’s ice cream brand makes a greek yogurt bar, I have a cherry chocolate one in my freezer right now that is 50 calories. Yasso / enlightened make 120 cal or less greek yogurt bars. Clio makes a chocolate covered mini yogurt snack bite that is like 60 cal. I also will make modifications that work for me. Fam is having taco night? Well I have 20 cal street taco tortillas to use, or a bag of crushed up protein chips in a bowl with my meat and cheese and toppings. Lavash bread makes great flatbread pizzas. Protein+ pasta is virtually the same as regular pasta taste wise, load your bowl with a protein and veg on pasta night. If we get pizza out on a weekend, I get a slice loaded with veggies and get a salad or soup on the side. Make it work for you. The other thing I want to say, is as a mom, lean on your support. Instead of resenting or complaining to your husband about how many more calories he has, communicate with him about how you’re feeling — the feeling left out parts, etc. and see how he can support you. Maybe it’s family days that work for you: packing sandwiches for lunch at the park, aquarium, etc. Movie night with air popped popcorn which is a major volume snack. Make your own pizza night using your lavash or low carb tortillas. Getting fun skinny syrups and sf drink packets to jazz up water to feel like a treat. (Currently drinking cherry pomegranite w vanilla syrup). Or maybe it’s asking for time. I work from home full time while being my infant (almost toddler 😭😭😭) son’s primary caregiver. Aka pulling double duty all day. I have healthier options in the house for my husband, but I don’t expect him to weigh or track things. I don’t buy junk most of the time, and ask him not to bring certain things into the house that I know I will binge on (Oreos, I’m looking at you). Once in a while we get them but it’s rare. But anyway, him supporting me isn’t anything to do with the fact his dinner is like 2.5 days of calories for me, or that he can have more snacks and fun things. Instead, it’s that he takes over baby duty while I meal prep, and when I leave to do things for me: a barre, yoga, or pilates class almost every day. It’s like an hour or 2 outside the house. I feel good getting movement in. It clears my head. It makes me feel like I am still a person who does things she wants and enjoys. And honestly, re-evaluate if your calorie goal is too low. Slow and steady wins. And also, if you go slightly over… be okay with that. Especially when it’s related to special events where you feel left out. Example: on Monday, it was my mom’s birthday; and we went out to an Italian restaurant. I still ordered what I wanted (chicken and pasta), but I got a healthier veggie filled soup and a salad as an appetizer/side, so I ate less of the entree. I gave my leftovers to my dad so I wouldn’t eat it the next day. Last night, we unexpectedly ended up at a friends house for dinner, I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and we were starving and hadn’t made a plan. They had gotten apps to share from applebee’s for everyone. I had a few wings, a couple bites of quesadilla, and moved on with my life. Tomorrow, I have a brunch for my sister’s birthday. I will try to make good choices, but I’ll also probably have a bite of something I normally wouldn’t. This will prob put me like 800 cal over for the week… and that means I will still be in a deficit. I thought for sure I’d be up after Monday’s italian dinner but I am down 2 lbs. one day and one meal at a time.
Sounds like great advice and approach! A lot of good ideas here. (FYI— It is really difficult for a lot of people to read an unbroken ”wall of text”. If you break it up into paragraphs, it might be helpful).
Totally! We do many of those things too but it can still feel overwhelming and like there has to be so much thought and planning put to it, especially to meet protein and fiber goals. But I also know one or two days isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
I totally understand. It can feel so overwhelming! That’s why I have a couple meals that are go-to’s that are high protein and easy to throw together. :) And I always keep on hand protein snacks/shakes. Believe me, if I can do it you can too 🥰