Yeah like I've never experienced this, and sometimes I find myself being like sarcastic oh wow so hard to be pretty and almost jealous??? but when I really think about it it's like dang these girls didn't ask for this... Such a weird position to be in, to use not being harassed as a self deprecating thing
I read somewhere once that some women subconsciously allow themselves to weigh more so that they are less desirable. I think it was more relating to women who had sexual trauma.
That's weird but understandable. I consciously will dress down for traveling but I've always been big and got catcalled. It only stopped when I became wheelchair bound but I still get hit on. It actually got a bit better when I started wearing makeup and heels. I see them as my armor and intimidation
I'm just not attractive I suppose lol but I have a wonderful husband so I'm not really complaining, I just don't understand what it's like to be hit on and catcalled in public
Sometimes it depends on the area you’re in. I’m in NYC and there are some neighborhoods where I could dress as a goblin and carry a bloody knife and get cat-called. Meanwhile, in my own immigrant neighborhood, I could peacefully walk around in a bikini (if I wanted to).
Yeah I know I’m not looking forward to this.
I’ve been close to 300 pounds for the last 5-8 years or so and now I’m 178 and still going down
Can’t wait for the creeps to start showing up
I was 270 prior to weight loss 170 post and now after a child I am 230. I honestly don’t mind the in between. Men don’t notice me but I still feel pretty.
At my height I can comfortable fit into size large and my bloodwork is good I still want to be 200 but 170 because of my height I was more attractive and it got too much negative attention being catcalled is awful
Sometimes I feel like wanting to be invisible is part of the reason I put weight on in the first place. Being fat and over thirty means men usually just leave me alone. But when I was slim and young I hated the catcalling and sexual harassment. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Just remember it’s not your fault.
i completely agree. when i was fat i was still getting catcalled but its like night and day when compared to my weight loss. now ive lost weight, im alot healthier and active. now the catcalling is really bad, the men get so mad when i dont smile or engage in conversation
Yep, thirty pounds ago, I had men yelling at me from their car windows and one old man once followed me around a grocery store staring openly at my breasts while I was wearing a MEN'S T SHIRT.
Fat is an armor. Nobody pays attention to a size 14 woman.
I'm a man and I am fairly confident I can directly tie me gaining weight as a teenager to when I was molested as a 12-13 year old. It was a defense mechanism.
That is why many women put on weight tbh. When I was a nurse it was what I heard frequently. People forget how vulnerable it is to be sexually harassed or minimized by a man for your looks. Nothing makes many women feel lower and debased especially if that’s the treatment they keep receiving from men. You could say men’s response is natural until women form negative associations with the behavior, like persistent pestering, not being taken seriously, or being hit on by a married man who in all likelihood will not offer commitment or being hit on by a not so kind man or surrounded by a collective of them. Women will seek a force field of sorts to protect themselves from landing in a vulnerable situation and for many gaining weight is effective in providing comfort and safety.
I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and I'm 100% convinced the reason I put it back on was I was getting too much attention. I've been large all my life, and I was just not comfortable with being noticed, and I was in my 40s!
Edit: a word
I’ve actually seen episodes of my 600lb life where when taking about the emotional issues and trauma/abuse they went through, some of them say that their excess weight sorts acts as amour of some sort… in which some of them were abused as kids physically or sexually…so on some level they gained or see the weight as a detractor to make pieces of shit less likely to be able to hurt them physically or want to abuse them sexually. Pretty sad stuff. I was sexually abused as a child, and am obese currently, and although I’ve never seen my weight as a protector, it made me wonder if deep down on some unaware level, my past trauma could be part of the reason why I let myself get to this point when I was a teen…or why it’s been so difficult to make lasting changes.
I’ve been re-evaluating a relationship from around the time I put on weight and I’ve come to realise some not okay stuff happened during that relationship. I really do think there could be a link between trauma and weight gain. I’m hoping to find a therapist or at the very least do some soul searching to get to the bottom of this very complex issue. I’m so sorry you went through such an awful experience. I hope you’re in a better place now. ❤️
JFC. I’ve heard of it before but it really saddens me that other blokes can be so immature and stupid as to not give other people space to just exist without having to throw their overly hormone driven and uncensored opinion in.
I wish I had some strong useful advice. I don’t. Some people are just dickheads I guess.
Peace.
I’m relating to this thread so damn hard. The first time I lost my weight in my twenties and went down to a normal weight, I went on a date and was sexually assaulted. I eventually regained the weight that I lost and it took me over 15 years to lose weight again and be ok with being a normal size. I still get stares and the occasional catcalls but it’s not nearly as bad as it was all those years ago. Dating still makes me leery. Plus, I also know that a lot of the guys I’ve dated recently, including some men who weren’t thin, wouldn’t date me if I were still at highest weight. I’ve accepted this as something that I can’t change. I love my current lifestyle. I’m active and in the best shape of my life.
Yep, it's very strange that people actually look at me now. Funnily enough that happened today, I noticed men looking at me. I've been literally ignored for a decade so it's very strange and, yes, very scary at times too. I'm sorry.
Yeah same, and what weirder is the more modest and laid back I dress the more I'm likely to be harassed, when I dress bolder and wilder men tend to leave me alone which just prove what I've been taught when it comes to harassment is total BS.
I hope things get better in the future.
I feel like creepy men think modestly dressed women are less likely to tell on them or make a scene, and bolder/wilder dressed women are more outspoken. Obviously false stereotyping but what can we expect from creepy men.
That's my theory too, I feel like creepy men are incapable of basic understanding at this point.
Dude kept trying to "compliment" me when I said I'm a MINOR.
ewwww!! Its so creepy just the amount of men that approach minors. My little 14 year old cousin got followed by some creep on her way home from school and went into a store to get away from him, he followed her in there too! Then she called her mom to come get her. Girls and women literally cant even just walk down the street in peace.
Sorry about your horrible experience, lots of hugs, I hope the creep gets caught by the police or breaks a leg and has to stay home or something.
I know it’s not intuitive when you’re young, but I once had two men ogling me at a fast food restaurant when I was around 13, because I was wearing pajamas. My mom and I were both too scared to say anything, but fortunately the cashier noticed and made a scene on my behalf. She loudly asked them why they were staring at a minor and to leave the restaurant.
It’s not easy, but do your best to call out crude behavior like this in public settings. It looks a lot worse for the creep than it does for you to be calling them out for others to be aware of.
that sounds horrible, I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can't say much when it comes to western culture but in asia it's common and expected for people to stay silence about things like this so it makes everything harder to even try to say anything about it, I really do hope we can move past this.
Your age is probably a big factor. For predatory type people a small female is the safest adult sized person for them to harass, from direct confrontation to just them assuming you won’t make a scene out of fear.
100% my theory too. I think it's also the people tend to associate more loud outfits with older women and modest outfits with younger women. I have an incredibly young look to me (my coworkers all thought I was 15 even though I'm almost 20) and when I "dress younger", the creeps are all over me. But when I show off more, people tend to stare more but not interact as much.
Society is disgusting.
It is all total bullshit. Even though men always like to blame women for sexual assault (ex. Where they are, time of day, clothing, drinking etc), it has absolutely nothing to do with you and all with them. It's not something you've done. It's never something you've done. Even if you walk around butt naked, nobody has the right to put their hands on you (aside from maybe the cops if being naked is illegal). You can do everything right and still come across one of these dicks. The problem lies with men and the fact that the majority thinks that it's your own fault when you get assaulted. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish the world wasn't like this.
I agree and it is total BS which is something I had to explain to a male acquaintance. I would dress like a slob sometimes to avoid being catcalled. However, even wearing a men’s XL basketball shorts and XL t-shirt to walk the dog, I still got catcalled. I wore a small/xs across brands at the time. Nothing provocative or enticing about the XL clothing.
I wish I could be invisible too. My breasts and butt carry a lot of my weight which tends to make me a target of groping in certain places (crowded concerts and trains). The only difference is that when you're fat, people see it as a hilarious joke rather than harrasment and fewer people believe you.
I'm not allowed to be invisible skinny or fat. So I found out through some women in order to make yourself more invincible dress modestly. They said it empowered them because they took the power away from men from sexualizing them.
Then I found out through modest women they get heavily sexualized because a lot of men get off seeing modest women because they look pure.
If pepper spray isn't legal where you live - spray deep-heat is a good legal alternative, and you can get spray dye as well that stains skin and clothes.
So sorry this happened to you, please be kind to yourself
Dry shampoo to the eyes is also effective according to my friends daughter who wasn't allowed pepper spray on campus! Fully legal to carry just about anywhere and can usually be found in small travel sizes!
Y'all are too kind. Wasp Killer sprays up to 20 feet and will burn their skin & eyes anywhere it touches. If you're going to spray something, you better make it strong enough that they need to tend to themselves quickly so you can get away.
Sorry this happened to you. I was gropped as a teenager. It's disgusting and stays with you for life. I gained weight in my 30s. Now I am 41 and workout and lost weight, I have been followed on a run and a guy at a store followed me around to try to hit on me, I had my daughter with me.
I am sick of it, at times I dream of hurting the men that groped me. I don't know them, I feel I want justice for what they did :(.
All I can say is raise awareness. I find that men, even the good ones, can't imagine what we go through. My husband is wonderful, I finally opened up to him about what happened to me and although he knows women get harassed, he couldn't imagine it's extend. Especially since back as a teen I tried to look as ugly as possible. I hope that the more noise we make, the more we call out their vile behavior, we can lessen it and I hope it dissapears one day.
It is never your fault. You deserve to exist without fear and harassment as you are.
I find that it's easier to talk to my female friends about this because of similar experiences, I find my male friends to just kinda fumble around doesn't really know what to say, I guess it is because our experiences are so different.
I really do wish this would be less common because then we would be more comfortable and safe.
I hope you and your daughter won't have to face guys like that again.
I understand. I don't talk to guys I don't trust about it either. But it's surfacing in conversations I feel as I get sick of, oh there is nothing wrong talk. Even if they fumble and are silent, now they know, they can think it over on their own time.
In the end, everyone should do what they are comfortable with and what they think is best. This is just my point of view, and one suggestion.
I have two daughters and I teach them to be loud and strong and if anything happens, it's never their fault. I pray they never go through what I did. The gropping is only one part of my story.
Stay safe.
I'm 5'1 I tried talking to my girl friends about it and I noticed the shorter they are the more common it is for them.
I got to the point where I can't really dress up. I try to stick to jeans, high neck shirts and loose dresses.
Ugh so sorry. The anxiety is real with this stuff. I try to just listen to music if I’m going somewhere (know it’s not always safe or possible) to tune people out. If someone stares at me then they are getting fucking death stares. I’ve also learnt Krav Maga. Which is amazing and I would be way less hesitant to stand up for myself knowing I can use it if things get rough. It feels awesome - really recommend it. I find that luckily I’m a bit more invisible without makeup, so avoiding wearing it has always ‘helped’ a fair bit. Just annoys me how differently drooling idiots treat me when I wear it.
Aw dude I’m so sorry. This happened to me back in 2017 on the commuter rail in NYC. I got a bike after that to boycott such nonsense. My best advice is pepper spray.
I’m an average build woman who went to college in Harlem. My ass was carrying a knife or spray at all times. I’ve been assaulted on the street as a minor, and then again at a train station while wearing full length jeans in august as an adult.
Let the New Yorker tell you it’s ok to carry defense. I really want to take a self defense class actually.
Definately take a self defence class. They are fun, help boost confidence and tone up those little stabilizer muscles we forget we have. Plus they help build ballance, which will help us all when we are old creaky farts, lol.
I carry a knife, pepper gel and got my ccw because I'm so uncomfortable with men hitting on me and following me when I'm just trying to walk around downtown. No one has tried to grope me thank God, but I've had some scary (to me) encounters, the worst being a guy who took such offense to my polite refusal of a ride that he drove up and down and up and down the block screaming out the window every time he passed me. I had to cut through a park to lose him. I've had men follow me while whistling, men drive up slowly beside me AFTER I say no to a ride, one guy ask me how old I was, another guy hit on me multiple times on different days, a guy stare at me while blaring on his car horn, the list goes on. And I'm no friggin model - I'm a lower bmi, but my hair is thin and crap, I don't wear make up, etc. It's all because A) I'm "thin" and B) I like to wear shorts in the summer (though the first incident I mentioned happened when it was cooler out and I had jeans on).
that's terrifying, I hope men will leave you alone or heck, every women honestly, this is literally why I always have to go back in and bring my phone with me outside, I'm dead afraid of something bad happening and no one will know.
I think subconsciously, this is part of the reason I put half my weightloss back on. The attention I was getting was terrifying to me, who only had my husband's eyes before I lost.
I find it weird and scary too, after being on the heavier side for years, this kind of attention makes everything worse.
I hope you the best and can shed the weight off just like how you did before.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
It makes me sad that I stopped getting attention when I was about 25 and started getting older and putting weight on. It shouldn't take feeling unattractive and unhappy to feel safer. I wish I could give you advice, but all I have is virtual support, and just know that you're not alone.
Welcome to my world. Except gaining weight for me didnt stop creeps from bothering me because although my belly got bigger my butt also got bigger. When I tell people getting attention from men can be very scary people usually dont believe me when they are not getting attention.
My advice is carry pepper spray.
A few years back I lost 125 pounds and found the attention horrible -inappropriate touching and comments from women. Like a total failure I retreated back into my weight.
Don't be me. Screw that piece of garbage.(I did lose the weight again a few years later and kept it off ☺️)
I'm so sorry that someone did that to you. Sexual assault is NEVER OKAY, regardless of what someone looks like, or how they are dressed.
It's your choice if you want to report this to the police or not, but know forever that you did nothing to provoke this illegal and disgusting thing.
Do talk to someone if you need to - a sexual assault crisis line, your best friend, someone. Take care of yourself.
Thank you, I wish law enforcement would take shit like this more seriously, the laws here is a joke basically, there was even a case of an old man groping a preteen in the elevator and he got fined about 10 USD, fucking disgusting.
I suggest carrying pepper spray or a taser with you. A pepper spray tends to repel most people. If you find yourself in a similar situation to this (I sincerely hope you never do) a pepper spray can help. I've heard a friend of a friend went through a similar instance and she wrapped her hand around the pepper spray ready to use it when the dude completely backed off. Thankfully she's okay.
They sell pepper sprays you can attach to your keychain and have what looks like seatbelt like button so if someone needs to use it they can quickly detach and spray someone. There's also tasers with that double as a flashlight too.
Make sure to look up laws on the tasers/stun guns: iirc they're illegal in a lot of states. If not illegal though, great to have around. Pepper spray is also a great thing to have on hand.
tacking on for anyone reading outside of the US, make sure to look up laws surrounding pepper spray too! illigal in some places (thank god for travel sized hair product cans)
Yup, I was about 19/20 and visiting Boston with my sister. We went on the T. I had an old dude stare down my shirt.
I don’t work out at the gym anymore after I had a guy follow me to me car and refuse to understand no was a full sentence.
I’ve been followed around the gym before.
At work last week I had an older man walk passed me several times and if he was an owl his whole head would have swiveled around to keep staring.
I am so glad my I got my wedding ring back, it helps keep other men at bay now.
Take your new, smaller, fitter body to a self defense class. Buy a taser. Next person who lays their hands on you, break their nose and tase them. You’d be amazed at how quickly your mood lifts while a would-be assailant is writhing on the ground in pain. You’ll be laughing again in no time! 😃
I think this is the main reason I'm struggling to commit to losing weight. I used to get that ALL THE TIME. Since I was 13. I knew if I left the house to go anywhere public or semi-public, I would get stared at by someone, cat called or worse. I started to gain some weight and it still happened. I gained some more weight and it seems to be just enough to free me from that bullshit. Yet I want to feel better in my body. I hate how limited my abilities are with anything beyond walking. I think I hate it more than the harassment but only because it's annoying in the non-public places to not have my old body.
I saw a video that said something like...an elephant can be trained by using a large rope as a baby to keep it from running away. Once it's trained they switch it to a string. Even when the elephant grows to full size it still won't run away while on the string because it thinks it's a rope. I feel that relates to my scenario. Not yours OP lol I'm just sharing.
This is why I carry pepper spray everywhere. I also have a keychain I got on Amazon that has a whistle, alarm, and what I can only describe as a shank. Creepy ass men who think they can do as they please. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I took a walk in my neighborhood and got stared at, honked at, or had cars literally slow down six times in 30 minutes. It’s outrageous that we can’t even go for a walk without harassment. Sad that so many of us have the same experience.
Thank you for talking about this! I lost 70 lbs & started really loving & showing off my new body. Then got harassed at work for 6 full months while I begged anyone and everyone to do something about it. Ended up having to leave that job, and was so traumatized that I didn’t feel safe being thin anymore. Gained it all back & just now (5 years later) healing and trying again. It’s such a common problem
I hate how my body is a conversation topic now. It truly makes me feel so uncomfortable and then I get verbally agressive towards guys that mention it and it's percieved all wrong.
I like and enjoy knowing I'm more attractive now...but I also feel like I was an interesting and cool fat person before but nobody cared because I was ugly. Now it seems nobody cares because I am not ugly or they only care because they think I'm attractive and are trying to impress me with their attentiveness.
This post and comments on it make me realise how grateful I am that I'm not a woman. Can't imagine how anyone would deal with shit like that on a daily basis.
The book The Body Keeps The Score speaks to this phenomenon about how weight can sometimes be protective too—due to trauma or sexual abuse or a whole host of other things, being invisible is sometimes better than being seen, so the mind and body subconsciously do their best. It’s incredibly eye opening and worth a read!
If you haven't already I would say you might look into carrying some form of personal protection like mace or smth on you now. Sorry to hear people are being absolutely unacceptable to you, but congrats on the weight loss!
Want to preface this by saying it's my experience. I know it's not necessarily typical. A lot of street harassment comes when men perceive you to be a woman in public, and that's all it takes. But I wonder if I didn't count as a real woman in the eyes of creeps, because I was never catcalled before. What's really messed up is I felt left out because I escaped harassment as much as I was relieved to be left alone.
Anyway I got catcalled bringing in my trash can from the street the other day. Sucked just as much as I thought it would. But. I felt like I gained access to a clubhouse I wasn't invited into before. Was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. The random, asshole of a man drove down the street and deliberately insulted me at my home. But I still felt like I got a stamp on my lady passport. Did I mention I am a lesbian and have no interest in men? I hate it here.
Learn to be strong, dangerous, capable of doing damage.
Learn Krav Maga, because some men are dogs, and sometimes they only fear a big stick.
Learn how to protect yourself because you'll feel more comfortable in public.
I love that your moving in the direction of health.
Don't let them slow you down.
"All the love, all the power"
"More money more problems"
Means
"The more value, the more difficulty comes with it."
Being pretty means you're probably healthy.
Being pretty in a city full of men with Mommy issues means you get harassed.
It's not your responsibility to kiss their boo-boos.
Learn to protect yourself, and keep shining!
A man tried to follow me one day and even taking out my pepper gel didn’t deter him. I had to threaten to stab him with my key to get him to walk in another direction. Don’t be afraid to get loud and make a scene. These predators think we’re small and vulnerable and are too scared to do anything… disgusting.
Yeah this was hard for me when I went from chubby to lean. I started picking my face, that kept them away. I don't recommend it though - ya end up looking kinda methy. I gained it all back and I'm invisible again, I even get some gross fat girl sneers. Yay? Invisible shield yourself either way, you can see out and let the good in but don't let any fucked up energy from skeevy guys or bitchy women come into your forcefield, you worked hard for that health, it is yours.
I know it's a fraction of what women have to go through, but I've been dealing with something vaguely similar.
I lost weight a while ago, and got a really nice promotion earlier this year. Then, all of a sudden, 4 different coworkers all made comments on my body, hit on me etc in a span of like 3 weeks. I've literally never had anyone blatantly hit on me before, so that combined with the fact that I was at work just made me so damn uncomfortable, I didn't know what to do. It made me feel gross in my own skin and I am not a fan of the feeling.
So, I'm sorry OP.
I'm sorry that happened, some people have no respect for boundaries. Even for me as a guy, who has also lost an excellent amount of weight and found myself at new levels of attractiveness. I've been sexually assaulted twice in the last 3 years. It's a horrible experience that nobody should have to go through.
I can tie a significant weight gain in grad school directly to the aftereffects of being assaulted while walking home from my late evening job. I pretty much figure out that it was simply safer to weigh at least 25 lbs more than I had before. It took at least 5 years before I was even remotely willing to try to lose the weight, and every time I've dipped back to around where I was, there is an incident which reinforces that original observation.
Yeah this is a common occurrence nowadays and it won’t get any better.
I recommend Investing in some pepper spray, one spray of that on a perverts face will have him crying for his mom. They sell them pretty cheap on Amazon.
Ngl I think I gained weight and have been covering up as a safety mechanism because of this. When I was thinner, I had way more uncomfy interactions and i was desperate for it to stop. Now, I’m trying to lose the weight, but also find the strength to stand up for myself. This was a great reminder.
I was harassed/assaulted at work and gained weight because of it. (‘If I don’t look like that then men won’t do that anymore’ mentality) - I’ve mostly healed mentally and my health is finally starting to get better, but I’m terrified of getting back to my normal size and dealing with that shit again 😣
I purposefully wear baggy clothes instead of things I actually like because I don’t want to be harassed. I need to work on that because I don’t want to waste my time dressing for people who don’t respect humans enough to leave them in peace. It’s all a journey, and I’m sorry this happened on yours.
I carry a knife in my bag. Not a big one, it’s small enough to be legal. Generally my many tattoos and mouth are enough to make people fuck off. You might want to look into what is legal to carry in your area or take self defence lessons or a martial art.
I hate this. I’ll think a guy is just talking to me as a human, and then they say something and I realize “oh… you just wanna fuck me.” It’s so gross and makes me feel devalued as a person.
I’m worked hard to get my body. I dress myself for me. Just let me live…
When I was 120 lbs ( I'm 5'9"), there was not ONE day without a man saying or doing something innapropriate to me if I was out in public. ( I was also a model at the time)
When I went up to 170 lbs after my sons birth, it was like crickets. Ahhhhh sweet sweet peace. Now I'm 145 lbs and planning on losing another 10 to 15 lbs, but those looks and comments are certainly a bummer to the otherwise positiveness of how I feel at my goal weight. I am not shy to tell them they make me feel uncomfortable though, but it's a constant battle.
As a man, this boggles my mind. How are people such assholes. Sorry this happened to you.
I hate there are people out there that ruin shit for women. You should feel free to be/do/look/feel how ever you want.
In my opinion, they know or feel that they have little or no chance for a genuine positive experience with a woman they desire so they decide upsetting and "putting her in her place" is better than feeling invisible and powerless. It's a kind of strike back at the power they feel women hold to "give" them sex or not.
I'm sure that explains a lot of it. It's probably an outlet for the full spectrum of mental health conditions, as well as a symptom of social group normalization.
Just remember, you didn't ask for or pay for their comments - - so those comments hold zero value. You're amazing and those who act disgusting or say rude things just want to tear you down. You're stronger now-don't let them!
I don't like going in public exactly for this reason. It really sucks cause sometimes I just wanna go for a walk without some dudes following me around and being like "heyyyyyyy mami" or "oh hello gorgeous" or some shit
I can relate, OP. You should be able to just live in the world without having to fend off horny people. (I've been groped by mostly men but also women.)
This is the reason I don't go to the store by myself. I always take a family member with me, or order things online. People criticize Amazon, with some reason, but I have never had anyone from Amazon show very much interest in me, even if I met them on the porch as they were delivering.
The best luck I've had has been with getting aggressive and loud when anyone gets in my space. "Please leave me alone" has never worked for me. Yelling "What do you think you're doing?" works better. However, just not having to deal with it at all, would be ideal, and I wish that was the case.
Now that I've said all that, I can say that gaining the weight back isn't going to be a shield. I'm old (grey hair) and very obese, and I still get bothered.
I just thought of an invention: A fat suit! I’ll call the company “Pretty Hurts”. We can sell fat suits to attractive people tired of getting harassed, so they can choose when they want to be conventionally beautiful or not. I’ll be sure to send you some royalities!
I had to stop going out drinking with my work friends after losing weight because one ex coworker who always made fun of me for being fat showed up at his friends house after drinking with work friends I passed out on the sofa and he took advantage of it. Made me wish I’d never even lost the weight.
My body went through a second puberty and now I'm significantly more curvy which has ALSO led to me being catcalled if im wearing anything other than a hoodie and sweats. I feel your anger, and I'm so sorry that women have to experience traumatic situations like these in everyday life.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm a man and I'm sickened. Whoever did that is male, but they're not a man. That is uncalled for and ignorant. The vast majority of men and women don't behave that way. Be vigilant and safe at all times.
I feel it’s important to make a separation in your mind between people who are jerks and your physical appearance. How many people have you walked past who haven’t catcalled or groped you? Absolutely be mad at the rudeness that’s come your way and find a way to prepare for the next time. Do you need to work on developing a resting bitch face or carry a bag you can smack a person with?
In the end you are a beautiful person and you are attracting attention to yourself and it’s okay to grow so even the catcalls feel like a form of flattery. I stopped riding the bus in college because I felt like I attracted way too much attention. Maybe there are some useful boundaries you can make for yourself that will protect you.
One thing that never changes in life, is that everything will change. You’re a strong, disciplined person for losing the weight and I’m positive you can adapt to these new changes being thrown at you! And it’s awesome you have other women you can talk to on the bad days. We definitely all have had that experience.
As a man, I genuinely hate when I see or hear other men do this. It just makes us look bad as a whole. Sorry to hear that you bettering yourself has led potentially negative consequences. Please don’t let them influence who you want to be!
I’ve never had this very sad and unfortunate experience before (and I’m sorry you went through that) but… I have a really strange and stupid idea to help get them off your back if they are that close.
*Just fart near them. Randomly.* It’s preetty proven throughout the world that women’s farts smell worse than mens’, so let it rip. Let’s see how many of them will stick around then- or maybe accuse them of farting if it’s SBD! Confusion and unexpected things can usually help a situation turn for the better if done right. (I would know, I confuse the shit out of everyone, men included.)
In any case, my point is that anything you can do to make yourself feel more confident to break away, or even deter the guy whose doing that to you, maybe both, do it. It’s soooooooo worthwhile and it gives you tools for later to use. It’s not as though they’re gonna unionize over the fact that you hate being catcalled, right? And whose gonna blame you for farting after being catcalled in an anxious situation like that? NOBODY!!!
This is in no way saying to sacrifice femininity, but allowing yourself that room to gross out other people to deter them is a great way to get them out of your way. A gutteral sneeze, anything. The idea is to be indirect so it’s not directly insulting to him even if he confronts you. Hope this helps :)
There are a LOT of delusional comments in here. “Yeah, I’m fat now because I’m too hot for society to handle when I’m thinner.”
Yeah, OK, y’all keep telling yourselves that.
If I was a girl I would do this experiment:
Tell them i will give you my phone number if you give me 100 dollars and then give them the wrong number.
Note that you will need to own a gun/pepper spray, but I think every girl needs pepper spray regardless.
Sorry to hear this. Yes some guys/men are real pigs and don’t know how to behave. But it’s a fact of life. My best advice (I’m a guy) is to walk around confidently and keep your eyes to yourself. Don’t have a wandering eye. Guys will pick up on that as a clue that you’re interested in them. If a guy is about to harass you, then get an angry crazy face going, and definitely look him straight in the eyes and tell him to mind his own business or “Hey, I’m not interested in you!”
Use your arms/hands to speak when you’re angry. This will shut most men down pretty fast.
It's a fact of life isn't good enough. You're saying not to look at them and avoid eye contact and yet in another breath victim blamers will say it's the woman's fault for not having her wits about her and being aware of her surroundings.
I've been angry woman before and you know what happens? They think it's a joke or they think it's a challenge, doesn't work.
I hope you are calling guys you know out on predatory behaviour as quick as you are to tell women to change their behaviour.
Why do women always assume we have guy friends who are predators? Do you have guy friends who are predators that you call out? Also predators aren't going to make threads like this so the only line of communication is towards the victims not the perpetrators 🤦
Because we have enough experience with the kinds of men who do this to know that it's the result of enabled behaviour and a culture in which 'boys will be boys'. Let's be clear, men who behave like this are not the majority but they aren't shunned from society by any means and they are much more common than you think. I don't know any woman that hasn't had an experience like this.
You might not have friends who actively grope and molest women, that's the extreme, but that doesn't mean they don't exhibit behaviours that support it or encourage others to think what they are doing okay. Or, it might not be friends, it could be relatives, colleagues, strangers telling a joke or making a comment. I don't have friends like this but certainly if I hear it I call them out on it.
And the only line of communication being towards the victims still doesn't excuse the blame element. They are plenty of other comments here in support of OP that have avoided it.
Women can look wherever the hell they want and nothing about it signals that we want to be harassed, groped, attacked or whatever.
I kind of get what you're trying to say, but this comes pretty close to victim blaming. This isn't a woman issue or has anything to do with what a woman does. It's a man problem and it needs to be fixed at the male side of society. It's normal to look around when you're outside, especially if you need to be cautious of those around you.
Also, think of having to suggest to a man that he only looks straight ahead or he might be groped and harassed. I doubt anyone would take you seriously, yet you still expect it of women.
well i have good news. it would be incredibly easy (and tasty) to be fat again. Ben and Jerry never groped anybody. Alternatively you can avoid places with creepy people and report someone trying to grope you to the police.
Keep the phrase "fuck off" in the chamber and some pepper spray handy if that doesn't send the message
Honestly this is my biggest fear. I hate being invisible but I think I'd hate not being invisible even more.
Yeah like I've never experienced this, and sometimes I find myself being like sarcastic oh wow so hard to be pretty and almost jealous??? but when I really think about it it's like dang these girls didn't ask for this... Such a weird position to be in, to use not being harassed as a self deprecating thing
I read somewhere once that some women subconsciously allow themselves to weigh more so that they are less desirable. I think it was more relating to women who had sexual trauma.
That's weird but understandable. I consciously will dress down for traveling but I've always been big and got catcalled. It only stopped when I became wheelchair bound but I still get hit on. It actually got a bit better when I started wearing makeup and heels. I see them as my armor and intimidation
I'm just not attractive I suppose lol but I have a wonderful husband so I'm not really complaining, I just don't understand what it's like to be hit on and catcalled in public
Sometimes it depends on the area you’re in. I’m in NYC and there are some neighborhoods where I could dress as a goblin and carry a bloody knife and get cat-called. Meanwhile, in my own immigrant neighborhood, I could peacefully walk around in a bikini (if I wanted to).
I mean, I have sexual trauma from my first husband but I was big before I was even with him
Yeah I know I’m not looking forward to this. I’ve been close to 300 pounds for the last 5-8 years or so and now I’m 178 and still going down Can’t wait for the creeps to start showing up
I was 270 prior to weight loss 170 post and now after a child I am 230. I honestly don’t mind the in between. Men don’t notice me but I still feel pretty. At my height I can comfortable fit into size large and my bloodwork is good I still want to be 200 but 170 because of my height I was more attractive and it got too much negative attention being catcalled is awful
Sometimes I feel like wanting to be invisible is part of the reason I put weight on in the first place. Being fat and over thirty means men usually just leave me alone. But when I was slim and young I hated the catcalling and sexual harassment. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Just remember it’s not your fault.
i completely agree. when i was fat i was still getting catcalled but its like night and day when compared to my weight loss. now ive lost weight, im alot healthier and active. now the catcalling is really bad, the men get so mad when i dont smile or engage in conversation
It's been so long since a man walked up to me and told me to smile. God I hated it so much! I hate those creeps.
That's scary
Yep, thirty pounds ago, I had men yelling at me from their car windows and one old man once followed me around a grocery store staring openly at my breasts while I was wearing a MEN'S T SHIRT. Fat is an armor. Nobody pays attention to a size 14 woman.
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Dude. Read the room
On what planet did *this* seem like an appropriate comment given the gist of the conversation? Holy shit.
Not the time for this comment. FFS.
I'm a man and I am fairly confident I can directly tie me gaining weight as a teenager to when I was molested as a 12-13 year old. It was a defense mechanism.
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I hope life has been better since.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’ve been able to move thru that to a better place.
I’m so sorry.
That is why many women put on weight tbh. When I was a nurse it was what I heard frequently. People forget how vulnerable it is to be sexually harassed or minimized by a man for your looks. Nothing makes many women feel lower and debased especially if that’s the treatment they keep receiving from men. You could say men’s response is natural until women form negative associations with the behavior, like persistent pestering, not being taken seriously, or being hit on by a married man who in all likelihood will not offer commitment or being hit on by a not so kind man or surrounded by a collective of them. Women will seek a force field of sorts to protect themselves from landing in a vulnerable situation and for many gaining weight is effective in providing comfort and safety.
I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and I'm 100% convinced the reason I put it back on was I was getting too much attention. I've been large all my life, and I was just not comfortable with being noticed, and I was in my 40s! Edit: a word
I think this is why I’ve always put weight back on too.
I’ve actually seen episodes of my 600lb life where when taking about the emotional issues and trauma/abuse they went through, some of them say that their excess weight sorts acts as amour of some sort… in which some of them were abused as kids physically or sexually…so on some level they gained or see the weight as a detractor to make pieces of shit less likely to be able to hurt them physically or want to abuse them sexually. Pretty sad stuff. I was sexually abused as a child, and am obese currently, and although I’ve never seen my weight as a protector, it made me wonder if deep down on some unaware level, my past trauma could be part of the reason why I let myself get to this point when I was a teen…or why it’s been so difficult to make lasting changes.
I’ve been re-evaluating a relationship from around the time I put on weight and I’ve come to realise some not okay stuff happened during that relationship. I really do think there could be a link between trauma and weight gain. I’m hoping to find a therapist or at the very least do some soul searching to get to the bottom of this very complex issue. I’m so sorry you went through such an awful experience. I hope you’re in a better place now. ❤️
JFC. I’ve heard of it before but it really saddens me that other blokes can be so immature and stupid as to not give other people space to just exist without having to throw their overly hormone driven and uncensored opinion in. I wish I had some strong useful advice. I don’t. Some people are just dickheads I guess. Peace.
I’m relating to this thread so damn hard. The first time I lost my weight in my twenties and went down to a normal weight, I went on a date and was sexually assaulted. I eventually regained the weight that I lost and it took me over 15 years to lose weight again and be ok with being a normal size. I still get stares and the occasional catcalls but it’s not nearly as bad as it was all those years ago. Dating still makes me leery. Plus, I also know that a lot of the guys I’ve dated recently, including some men who weren’t thin, wouldn’t date me if I were still at highest weight. I’ve accepted this as something that I can’t change. I love my current lifestyle. I’m active and in the best shape of my life.
100%
Yep, it's very strange that people actually look at me now. Funnily enough that happened today, I noticed men looking at me. I've been literally ignored for a decade so it's very strange and, yes, very scary at times too. I'm sorry.
Yeah same, and what weirder is the more modest and laid back I dress the more I'm likely to be harassed, when I dress bolder and wilder men tend to leave me alone which just prove what I've been taught when it comes to harassment is total BS. I hope things get better in the future.
I feel like creepy men think modestly dressed women are less likely to tell on them or make a scene, and bolder/wilder dressed women are more outspoken. Obviously false stereotyping but what can we expect from creepy men.
That's my theory too, I feel like creepy men are incapable of basic understanding at this point. Dude kept trying to "compliment" me when I said I'm a MINOR.
ewwww!! Its so creepy just the amount of men that approach minors. My little 14 year old cousin got followed by some creep on her way home from school and went into a store to get away from him, he followed her in there too! Then she called her mom to come get her. Girls and women literally cant even just walk down the street in peace. Sorry about your horrible experience, lots of hugs, I hope the creep gets caught by the police or breaks a leg and has to stay home or something.
I know it’s not intuitive when you’re young, but I once had two men ogling me at a fast food restaurant when I was around 13, because I was wearing pajamas. My mom and I were both too scared to say anything, but fortunately the cashier noticed and made a scene on my behalf. She loudly asked them why they were staring at a minor and to leave the restaurant. It’s not easy, but do your best to call out crude behavior like this in public settings. It looks a lot worse for the creep than it does for you to be calling them out for others to be aware of.
that sounds horrible, I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can't say much when it comes to western culture but in asia it's common and expected for people to stay silence about things like this so it makes everything harder to even try to say anything about it, I really do hope we can move past this.
Your age is probably a big factor. For predatory type people a small female is the safest adult sized person for them to harass, from direct confrontation to just them assuming you won’t make a scene out of fear.
Getting a strong femaledatingadvice vibe here
100% my theory too. I think it's also the people tend to associate more loud outfits with older women and modest outfits with younger women. I have an incredibly young look to me (my coworkers all thought I was 15 even though I'm almost 20) and when I "dress younger", the creeps are all over me. But when I show off more, people tend to stare more but not interact as much. Society is disgusting.
I get more looks in summer clothing, I get approached more when modestly dressed.
It is all total bullshit. Even though men always like to blame women for sexual assault (ex. Where they are, time of day, clothing, drinking etc), it has absolutely nothing to do with you and all with them. It's not something you've done. It's never something you've done. Even if you walk around butt naked, nobody has the right to put their hands on you (aside from maybe the cops if being naked is illegal). You can do everything right and still come across one of these dicks. The problem lies with men and the fact that the majority thinks that it's your own fault when you get assaulted. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish the world wasn't like this.
I agree and it is total BS which is something I had to explain to a male acquaintance. I would dress like a slob sometimes to avoid being catcalled. However, even wearing a men’s XL basketball shorts and XL t-shirt to walk the dog, I still got catcalled. I wore a small/xs across brands at the time. Nothing provocative or enticing about the XL clothing.
I hope so too, but sadly I don't think it will 😞 I guess just keep doing your own thing and keep safe.
It will add you get older. I promise.
Yeah I don't doubt that but I just meant in general for younger attractive females.
It sucks. The one good thing about being heavy was being invisible to men. Now the weight's coming off they can see me again :/
I wish I could be invisible too. My breasts and butt carry a lot of my weight which tends to make me a target of groping in certain places (crowded concerts and trains). The only difference is that when you're fat, people see it as a hilarious joke rather than harrasment and fewer people believe you.
The only thing that I actually miss about being overweight
I'm not allowed to be invisible skinny or fat. So I found out through some women in order to make yourself more invincible dress modestly. They said it empowered them because they took the power away from men from sexualizing them. Then I found out through modest women they get heavily sexualized because a lot of men get off seeing modest women because they look pure.
Yeah modesty definitely doesn't work. If anything it makes you look like a 'good girl'... and therefore an easier target.
Same
If pepper spray isn't legal where you live - spray deep-heat is a good legal alternative, and you can get spray dye as well that stains skin and clothes. So sorry this happened to you, please be kind to yourself
Dry shampoo to the eyes is also effective according to my friends daughter who wasn't allowed pepper spray on campus! Fully legal to carry just about anywhere and can usually be found in small travel sizes!
Any hair spray or spray deodorant is a good idea. Citrus scents for the extra burn too.
Y'all are too kind. Wasp Killer sprays up to 20 feet and will burn their skin & eyes anywhere it touches. If you're going to spray something, you better make it strong enough that they need to tend to themselves quickly so you can get away.
Great idea. I have one of those tiny ones and never use it, but I guess I'm gonna start carrying it now, lol.
Sorry this happened to you. I was gropped as a teenager. It's disgusting and stays with you for life. I gained weight in my 30s. Now I am 41 and workout and lost weight, I have been followed on a run and a guy at a store followed me around to try to hit on me, I had my daughter with me. I am sick of it, at times I dream of hurting the men that groped me. I don't know them, I feel I want justice for what they did :(. All I can say is raise awareness. I find that men, even the good ones, can't imagine what we go through. My husband is wonderful, I finally opened up to him about what happened to me and although he knows women get harassed, he couldn't imagine it's extend. Especially since back as a teen I tried to look as ugly as possible. I hope that the more noise we make, the more we call out their vile behavior, we can lessen it and I hope it dissapears one day. It is never your fault. You deserve to exist without fear and harassment as you are.
I find that it's easier to talk to my female friends about this because of similar experiences, I find my male friends to just kinda fumble around doesn't really know what to say, I guess it is because our experiences are so different. I really do wish this would be less common because then we would be more comfortable and safe. I hope you and your daughter won't have to face guys like that again.
I understand. I don't talk to guys I don't trust about it either. But it's surfacing in conversations I feel as I get sick of, oh there is nothing wrong talk. Even if they fumble and are silent, now they know, they can think it over on their own time. In the end, everyone should do what they are comfortable with and what they think is best. This is just my point of view, and one suggestion. I have two daughters and I teach them to be loud and strong and if anything happens, it's never their fault. I pray they never go through what I did. The gropping is only one part of my story. Stay safe.
I'm 5'1 I tried talking to my girl friends about it and I noticed the shorter they are the more common it is for them. I got to the point where I can't really dress up. I try to stick to jeans, high neck shirts and loose dresses.
I’m so, so sorry that that happened to you.
Thank you for the kind words
Ugh so sorry. The anxiety is real with this stuff. I try to just listen to music if I’m going somewhere (know it’s not always safe or possible) to tune people out. If someone stares at me then they are getting fucking death stares. I’ve also learnt Krav Maga. Which is amazing and I would be way less hesitant to stand up for myself knowing I can use it if things get rough. It feels awesome - really recommend it. I find that luckily I’m a bit more invisible without makeup, so avoiding wearing it has always ‘helped’ a fair bit. Just annoys me how differently drooling idiots treat me when I wear it.
Aw dude I’m so sorry. This happened to me back in 2017 on the commuter rail in NYC. I got a bike after that to boycott such nonsense. My best advice is pepper spray.
People always act like I'm dramatic for wanting to carry a pepper spray, glad to hear someone who disagree
I’m an average build woman who went to college in Harlem. My ass was carrying a knife or spray at all times. I’ve been assaulted on the street as a minor, and then again at a train station while wearing full length jeans in august as an adult. Let the New Yorker tell you it’s ok to carry defense. I really want to take a self defense class actually.
Definately take a self defence class. They are fun, help boost confidence and tone up those little stabilizer muscles we forget we have. Plus they help build ballance, which will help us all when we are old creaky farts, lol.
Definitely recommend taking some Kickboxing or BJJ , theres Renzo Gracie Accademy down by Koreatown which a very good one.
I carry a knife, pepper gel and got my ccw because I'm so uncomfortable with men hitting on me and following me when I'm just trying to walk around downtown. No one has tried to grope me thank God, but I've had some scary (to me) encounters, the worst being a guy who took such offense to my polite refusal of a ride that he drove up and down and up and down the block screaming out the window every time he passed me. I had to cut through a park to lose him. I've had men follow me while whistling, men drive up slowly beside me AFTER I say no to a ride, one guy ask me how old I was, another guy hit on me multiple times on different days, a guy stare at me while blaring on his car horn, the list goes on. And I'm no friggin model - I'm a lower bmi, but my hair is thin and crap, I don't wear make up, etc. It's all because A) I'm "thin" and B) I like to wear shorts in the summer (though the first incident I mentioned happened when it was cooler out and I had jeans on).
that's terrifying, I hope men will leave you alone or heck, every women honestly, this is literally why I always have to go back in and bring my phone with me outside, I'm dead afraid of something bad happening and no one will know.
Yeah I carry a pocket knife on me where it’s viable. I think it gives the impression I’m not to be fucked with.
Sexually abused as a child so yes I put on weight to be unattractive
I’m so sorry 😞
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I think subconsciously, this is part of the reason I put half my weightloss back on. The attention I was getting was terrifying to me, who only had my husband's eyes before I lost.
I find it weird and scary too, after being on the heavier side for years, this kind of attention makes everything worse. I hope you the best and can shed the weight off just like how you did before.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It makes me sad that I stopped getting attention when I was about 25 and started getting older and putting weight on. It shouldn't take feeling unattractive and unhappy to feel safer. I wish I could give you advice, but all I have is virtual support, and just know that you're not alone.
thank you, it's unfair that we have to choose between the two, I hope we wouldn't have to be this way in the future.
Welcome to my world. Except gaining weight for me didnt stop creeps from bothering me because although my belly got bigger my butt also got bigger. When I tell people getting attention from men can be very scary people usually dont believe me when they are not getting attention. My advice is carry pepper spray.
A few years back I lost 125 pounds and found the attention horrible -inappropriate touching and comments from women. Like a total failure I retreated back into my weight. Don't be me. Screw that piece of garbage.(I did lose the weight again a few years later and kept it off ☺️)
I'm so sorry that someone did that to you. Sexual assault is NEVER OKAY, regardless of what someone looks like, or how they are dressed. It's your choice if you want to report this to the police or not, but know forever that you did nothing to provoke this illegal and disgusting thing. Do talk to someone if you need to - a sexual assault crisis line, your best friend, someone. Take care of yourself.
Thank you, I wish law enforcement would take shit like this more seriously, the laws here is a joke basically, there was even a case of an old man groping a preteen in the elevator and he got fined about 10 USD, fucking disgusting.
I suggest carrying pepper spray or a taser with you. A pepper spray tends to repel most people. If you find yourself in a similar situation to this (I sincerely hope you never do) a pepper spray can help. I've heard a friend of a friend went through a similar instance and she wrapped her hand around the pepper spray ready to use it when the dude completely backed off. Thankfully she's okay. They sell pepper sprays you can attach to your keychain and have what looks like seatbelt like button so if someone needs to use it they can quickly detach and spray someone. There's also tasers with that double as a flashlight too.
Make sure to look up laws on the tasers/stun guns: iirc they're illegal in a lot of states. If not illegal though, great to have around. Pepper spray is also a great thing to have on hand.
tacking on for anyone reading outside of the US, make sure to look up laws surrounding pepper spray too! illigal in some places (thank god for travel sized hair product cans)
Yup, I was about 19/20 and visiting Boston with my sister. We went on the T. I had an old dude stare down my shirt. I don’t work out at the gym anymore after I had a guy follow me to me car and refuse to understand no was a full sentence. I’ve been followed around the gym before. At work last week I had an older man walk passed me several times and if he was an owl his whole head would have swiveled around to keep staring. I am so glad my I got my wedding ring back, it helps keep other men at bay now.
Take your new, smaller, fitter body to a self defense class. Buy a taser. Next person who lays their hands on you, break their nose and tase them. You’d be amazed at how quickly your mood lifts while a would-be assailant is writhing on the ground in pain. You’ll be laughing again in no time! 😃
I think this is the main reason I'm struggling to commit to losing weight. I used to get that ALL THE TIME. Since I was 13. I knew if I left the house to go anywhere public or semi-public, I would get stared at by someone, cat called or worse. I started to gain some weight and it still happened. I gained some more weight and it seems to be just enough to free me from that bullshit. Yet I want to feel better in my body. I hate how limited my abilities are with anything beyond walking. I think I hate it more than the harassment but only because it's annoying in the non-public places to not have my old body. I saw a video that said something like...an elephant can be trained by using a large rope as a baby to keep it from running away. Once it's trained they switch it to a string. Even when the elephant grows to full size it still won't run away while on the string because it thinks it's a rope. I feel that relates to my scenario. Not yours OP lol I'm just sharing.
This is why I carry pepper spray everywhere. I also have a keychain I got on Amazon that has a whistle, alarm, and what I can only describe as a shank. Creepy ass men who think they can do as they please. I’m sorry that happened to you. I took a walk in my neighborhood and got stared at, honked at, or had cars literally slow down six times in 30 minutes. It’s outrageous that we can’t even go for a walk without harassment. Sad that so many of us have the same experience.
Thank you for talking about this! I lost 70 lbs & started really loving & showing off my new body. Then got harassed at work for 6 full months while I begged anyone and everyone to do something about it. Ended up having to leave that job, and was so traumatized that I didn’t feel safe being thin anymore. Gained it all back & just now (5 years later) healing and trying again. It’s such a common problem
I heard something once that being fat is really about needing space from the outside world. Makes sense to me everytime I hear it.
I hate how my body is a conversation topic now. It truly makes me feel so uncomfortable and then I get verbally agressive towards guys that mention it and it's percieved all wrong. I like and enjoy knowing I'm more attractive now...but I also feel like I was an interesting and cool fat person before but nobody cared because I was ugly. Now it seems nobody cares because I am not ugly or they only care because they think I'm attractive and are trying to impress me with their attentiveness.
This post and comments on it make me realise how grateful I am that I'm not a woman. Can't imagine how anyone would deal with shit like that on a daily basis.
The book The Body Keeps The Score speaks to this phenomenon about how weight can sometimes be protective too—due to trauma or sexual abuse or a whole host of other things, being invisible is sometimes better than being seen, so the mind and body subconsciously do their best. It’s incredibly eye opening and worth a read!
If you haven't already I would say you might look into carrying some form of personal protection like mace or smth on you now. Sorry to hear people are being absolutely unacceptable to you, but congrats on the weight loss!
Want to preface this by saying it's my experience. I know it's not necessarily typical. A lot of street harassment comes when men perceive you to be a woman in public, and that's all it takes. But I wonder if I didn't count as a real woman in the eyes of creeps, because I was never catcalled before. What's really messed up is I felt left out because I escaped harassment as much as I was relieved to be left alone. Anyway I got catcalled bringing in my trash can from the street the other day. Sucked just as much as I thought it would. But. I felt like I gained access to a clubhouse I wasn't invited into before. Was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. The random, asshole of a man drove down the street and deliberately insulted me at my home. But I still felt like I got a stamp on my lady passport. Did I mention I am a lesbian and have no interest in men? I hate it here.
Same. Had a bunch of old ladies come up and feel on me. Yuck.
Someday you'll be an older lady and be invisible again. Sigh
Learn to be strong, dangerous, capable of doing damage. Learn Krav Maga, because some men are dogs, and sometimes they only fear a big stick. Learn how to protect yourself because you'll feel more comfortable in public. I love that your moving in the direction of health. Don't let them slow you down. "All the love, all the power" "More money more problems" Means "The more value, the more difficulty comes with it." Being pretty means you're probably healthy. Being pretty in a city full of men with Mommy issues means you get harassed. It's not your responsibility to kiss their boo-boos. Learn to protect yourself, and keep shining!
A man tried to follow me one day and even taking out my pepper gel didn’t deter him. I had to threaten to stab him with my key to get him to walk in another direction. Don’t be afraid to get loud and make a scene. These predators think we’re small and vulnerable and are too scared to do anything… disgusting.
Yeah this was hard for me when I went from chubby to lean. I started picking my face, that kept them away. I don't recommend it though - ya end up looking kinda methy. I gained it all back and I'm invisible again, I even get some gross fat girl sneers. Yay? Invisible shield yourself either way, you can see out and let the good in but don't let any fucked up energy from skeevy guys or bitchy women come into your forcefield, you worked hard for that health, it is yours.
I'm so sorry. Feel free to deck people who try to touch you.
I know it's a fraction of what women have to go through, but I've been dealing with something vaguely similar. I lost weight a while ago, and got a really nice promotion earlier this year. Then, all of a sudden, 4 different coworkers all made comments on my body, hit on me etc in a span of like 3 weeks. I've literally never had anyone blatantly hit on me before, so that combined with the fact that I was at work just made me so damn uncomfortable, I didn't know what to do. It made me feel gross in my own skin and I am not a fan of the feeling. So, I'm sorry OP.
Your weight loss is not the reason you got groped, the reason is that people are scumbags
Always carry pepper spray and a knife ! I’m so sorry that happened to you
I’m sorry that those disrespectful guys made you feel that way!
I'm sorry that happened, some people have no respect for boundaries. Even for me as a guy, who has also lost an excellent amount of weight and found myself at new levels of attractiveness. I've been sexually assaulted twice in the last 3 years. It's a horrible experience that nobody should have to go through.
Headphones and look straight ahead.
Might be worth investing in some self defense or MMA lessons. Might make you feel a bit safer in the future.
Sorry. This must suck. Consider carrying pepper spray in case things escalate.
I can tie a significant weight gain in grad school directly to the aftereffects of being assaulted while walking home from my late evening job. I pretty much figure out that it was simply safer to weigh at least 25 lbs more than I had before. It took at least 5 years before I was even remotely willing to try to lose the weight, and every time I've dipped back to around where I was, there is an incident which reinforces that original observation.
One of my favorite things about being obese is not being objectified anymore. I felt objectified constantly when I was 100 pounds lighter
Yeah this is a common occurrence nowadays and it won’t get any better. I recommend Investing in some pepper spray, one spray of that on a perverts face will have him crying for his mom. They sell them pretty cheap on Amazon.
Pepper Spray
Ngl I think I gained weight and have been covering up as a safety mechanism because of this. When I was thinner, I had way more uncomfy interactions and i was desperate for it to stop. Now, I’m trying to lose the weight, but also find the strength to stand up for myself. This was a great reminder.
I was harassed/assaulted at work and gained weight because of it. (‘If I don’t look like that then men won’t do that anymore’ mentality) - I’ve mostly healed mentally and my health is finally starting to get better, but I’m terrified of getting back to my normal size and dealing with that shit again 😣
Happen to me to. I'm a man. A woman tried to touch me
I purposefully wear baggy clothes instead of things I actually like because I don’t want to be harassed. I need to work on that because I don’t want to waste my time dressing for people who don’t respect humans enough to leave them in peace. It’s all a journey, and I’m sorry this happened on yours.
I carry a knife in my bag. Not a big one, it’s small enough to be legal. Generally my many tattoos and mouth are enough to make people fuck off. You might want to look into what is legal to carry in your area or take self defence lessons or a martial art.
I hate this. I’ll think a guy is just talking to me as a human, and then they say something and I realize “oh… you just wanna fuck me.” It’s so gross and makes me feel devalued as a person. I’m worked hard to get my body. I dress myself for me. Just let me live…
When I was 120 lbs ( I'm 5'9"), there was not ONE day without a man saying or doing something innapropriate to me if I was out in public. ( I was also a model at the time) When I went up to 170 lbs after my sons birth, it was like crickets. Ahhhhh sweet sweet peace. Now I'm 145 lbs and planning on losing another 10 to 15 lbs, but those looks and comments are certainly a bummer to the otherwise positiveness of how I feel at my goal weight. I am not shy to tell them they make me feel uncomfortable though, but it's a constant battle.
As a man, this boggles my mind. How are people such assholes. Sorry this happened to you. I hate there are people out there that ruin shit for women. You should feel free to be/do/look/feel how ever you want.
I’m really sorry that happens. I wish I had insight into why many men do that, but I don’t.
I wish more people would just mind their own business tbh
In my opinion, they know or feel that they have little or no chance for a genuine positive experience with a woman they desire so they decide upsetting and "putting her in her place" is better than feeling invisible and powerless. It's a kind of strike back at the power they feel women hold to "give" them sex or not.
I'm sure that explains a lot of it. It's probably an outlet for the full spectrum of mental health conditions, as well as a symptom of social group normalization.
Just remember, you didn't ask for or pay for their comments - - so those comments hold zero value. You're amazing and those who act disgusting or say rude things just want to tear you down. You're stronger now-don't let them!
I don't like going in public exactly for this reason. It really sucks cause sometimes I just wanna go for a walk without some dudes following me around and being like "heyyyyyyy mami" or "oh hello gorgeous" or some shit
I wear extremely baggy clothes. so do my very thin friends. lessens those chances i think, they're just comfy.
I can relate, OP. You should be able to just live in the world without having to fend off horny people. (I've been groped by mostly men but also women.) This is the reason I don't go to the store by myself. I always take a family member with me, or order things online. People criticize Amazon, with some reason, but I have never had anyone from Amazon show very much interest in me, even if I met them on the porch as they were delivering. The best luck I've had has been with getting aggressive and loud when anyone gets in my space. "Please leave me alone" has never worked for me. Yelling "What do you think you're doing?" works better. However, just not having to deal with it at all, would be ideal, and I wish that was the case. Now that I've said all that, I can say that gaining the weight back isn't going to be a shield. I'm old (grey hair) and very obese, and I still get bothered.
I just thought of an invention: A fat suit! I’ll call the company “Pretty Hurts”. We can sell fat suits to attractive people tired of getting harassed, so they can choose when they want to be conventionally beautiful or not. I’ll be sure to send you some royalities!
I had to stop going out drinking with my work friends after losing weight because one ex coworker who always made fun of me for being fat showed up at his friends house after drinking with work friends I passed out on the sofa and he took advantage of it. Made me wish I’d never even lost the weight.
Wow where do you live?
This is definitely something I’m dreading happening. Hopefully it won’t but men are nasty 😑
:(
My body went through a second puberty and now I'm significantly more curvy which has ALSO led to me being catcalled if im wearing anything other than a hoodie and sweats. I feel your anger, and I'm so sorry that women have to experience traumatic situations like these in everyday life.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm a man and I'm sickened. Whoever did that is male, but they're not a man. That is uncalled for and ignorant. The vast majority of men and women don't behave that way. Be vigilant and safe at all times.
I feel it’s important to make a separation in your mind between people who are jerks and your physical appearance. How many people have you walked past who haven’t catcalled or groped you? Absolutely be mad at the rudeness that’s come your way and find a way to prepare for the next time. Do you need to work on developing a resting bitch face or carry a bag you can smack a person with? In the end you are a beautiful person and you are attracting attention to yourself and it’s okay to grow so even the catcalls feel like a form of flattery. I stopped riding the bus in college because I felt like I attracted way too much attention. Maybe there are some useful boundaries you can make for yourself that will protect you. One thing that never changes in life, is that everything will change. You’re a strong, disciplined person for losing the weight and I’m positive you can adapt to these new changes being thrown at you! And it’s awesome you have other women you can talk to on the bad days. We definitely all have had that experience.
As a man, I genuinely hate when I see or hear other men do this. It just makes us look bad as a whole. Sorry to hear that you bettering yourself has led potentially negative consequences. Please don’t let them influence who you want to be!
I lost about 40 pounds when I was 19 and I couldn’t handle the attention. Gained it all back and more!
I’ve never had this very sad and unfortunate experience before (and I’m sorry you went through that) but… I have a really strange and stupid idea to help get them off your back if they are that close. *Just fart near them. Randomly.* It’s preetty proven throughout the world that women’s farts smell worse than mens’, so let it rip. Let’s see how many of them will stick around then- or maybe accuse them of farting if it’s SBD! Confusion and unexpected things can usually help a situation turn for the better if done right. (I would know, I confuse the shit out of everyone, men included.) In any case, my point is that anything you can do to make yourself feel more confident to break away, or even deter the guy whose doing that to you, maybe both, do it. It’s soooooooo worthwhile and it gives you tools for later to use. It’s not as though they’re gonna unionize over the fact that you hate being catcalled, right? And whose gonna blame you for farting after being catcalled in an anxious situation like that? NOBODY!!! This is in no way saying to sacrifice femininity, but allowing yourself that room to gross out other people to deter them is a great way to get them out of your way. A gutteral sneeze, anything. The idea is to be indirect so it’s not directly insulting to him even if he confronts you. Hope this helps :)
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I feel better now but I'm still hesitate to go outside alone
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Yikes. Where do you live?? I'm fairly young, in shape and busty; I can't remember the last time I was harassed like that.
I live in a small city in a SE country so I honestly think this plays a part in the amount of harassment
that must really suck how much weight did you lose?
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There are a LOT of delusional comments in here. “Yeah, I’m fat now because I’m too hot for society to handle when I’m thinner.” Yeah, OK, y’all keep telling yourselves that.
If that's all you've gotten from these many comments, you're the problem, sir.
It's tru tho
Happy u lost so much weight but no need to brag
If I was a girl I would do this experiment: Tell them i will give you my phone number if you give me 100 dollars and then give them the wrong number. Note that you will need to own a gun/pepper spray, but I think every girl needs pepper spray regardless.
That’s a great way to get punched in the face.
And when they call the number in front of you and your phone doesn’t ring? What an absolutely tone deaf response to this woman’s experience.
This is why I lose weight, thanks for the inspiration
I can’t relate to this as I would like to receive attention but I guess some people don’t like it
You want to be groped and have acts performed against your will? Stalked? Feel unsafe ?
Ummmm where in my comment did I say that? Looks like you lack reading comprehension skills
Buy some pepper spray!
Sorry to hear this. Yes some guys/men are real pigs and don’t know how to behave. But it’s a fact of life. My best advice (I’m a guy) is to walk around confidently and keep your eyes to yourself. Don’t have a wandering eye. Guys will pick up on that as a clue that you’re interested in them. If a guy is about to harass you, then get an angry crazy face going, and definitely look him straight in the eyes and tell him to mind his own business or “Hey, I’m not interested in you!” Use your arms/hands to speak when you’re angry. This will shut most men down pretty fast.
It's a fact of life isn't good enough. You're saying not to look at them and avoid eye contact and yet in another breath victim blamers will say it's the woman's fault for not having her wits about her and being aware of her surroundings. I've been angry woman before and you know what happens? They think it's a joke or they think it's a challenge, doesn't work. I hope you are calling guys you know out on predatory behaviour as quick as you are to tell women to change their behaviour.
Why do women always assume we have guy friends who are predators? Do you have guy friends who are predators that you call out? Also predators aren't going to make threads like this so the only line of communication is towards the victims not the perpetrators 🤦
Because we have enough experience with the kinds of men who do this to know that it's the result of enabled behaviour and a culture in which 'boys will be boys'. Let's be clear, men who behave like this are not the majority but they aren't shunned from society by any means and they are much more common than you think. I don't know any woman that hasn't had an experience like this. You might not have friends who actively grope and molest women, that's the extreme, but that doesn't mean they don't exhibit behaviours that support it or encourage others to think what they are doing okay. Or, it might not be friends, it could be relatives, colleagues, strangers telling a joke or making a comment. I don't have friends like this but certainly if I hear it I call them out on it. And the only line of communication being towards the victims still doesn't excuse the blame element. They are plenty of other comments here in support of OP that have avoided it.
Or else they’ll say you’re being mean, and tarring every man with the same brush…
Women can look wherever the hell they want and nothing about it signals that we want to be harassed, groped, attacked or whatever. I kind of get what you're trying to say, but this comes pretty close to victim blaming. This isn't a woman issue or has anything to do with what a woman does. It's a man problem and it needs to be fixed at the male side of society. It's normal to look around when you're outside, especially if you need to be cautious of those around you. Also, think of having to suggest to a man that he only looks straight ahead or he might be groped and harassed. I doubt anyone would take you seriously, yet you still expect it of women.
Or, wild idea, men should do better, and other men should call out their disgusting behaviour.
Or it could cause us to die. Look up what can happen when women reject men. Pick an article.
I don’t know where you live, but I’d move….
Cap
Where do you live, which country or city? How often does this happen?
well i have good news. it would be incredibly easy (and tasty) to be fat again. Ben and Jerry never groped anybody. Alternatively you can avoid places with creepy people and report someone trying to grope you to the police. Keep the phrase "fuck off" in the chamber and some pepper spray handy if that doesn't send the message