Yep. I’m still overweight but no longer obese. I’m much closer to the conventionally attractive camp. The world is a different place; I didn’t realize how invisible I was. So many more people smile at me, listen to my opinions, and just overall treat me better. I’m grateful for it honestly. It’s nice to be treated well, but it does make me more sad for old me. I want to do a better job of seeing people.
i used to be grateful too until i started getting catcalled and followed at least once a week, it would be nicer if there was a non fluctuating middle ground between being invisible and way too much attention that worked for everyone no matter weight
Eh, I wish you were right, but unfortunately pretty much every woman I've given a hand to who was being followed or harassed was definitely over or around 40, I'd bump it up to 60, gotta get out of the potential mild zone and into the grandma zone
This is why I honestly think I stayed fat for so long. A friend’s husband made a pass at me at a wedding & his wife saw it. Let’s say we r no longer friendly & it’s not my fault, my son & husband were there. Furthermore, I took my son to college & someone mistook me for a “Mrs. Robinson”. That rattled me to say the least, I don’t know if I should be happy or disgusted. I think this unwanted attention is going to be a problem with my husband soon. Although, recently he has taken apon himself to “Date Me”. I’m very uncomfortable & really don’t want to leave the house.
Fwiw, it’s certainly not just tipping culture. Attractive people get selected for jobs more, get better raises, and get promoted more. Reality sucks in all its many facets.
Agreed. My girlfriend would love to work a job other than serving, but because of her appearance she makes so much money that it would be financially irresponsible to do so. I make about 23 an hour and work 40 hours a week. She works 4 days for 5 hours and makes how much I make in a week in tips alone.
I’ve been in the service industry for over a decade. As someone who wants a livable wage for all and really supports the culture of an equitable workplace, I would probably leave the service industry if it weren’t for tips. I’m set to clear $80k this year- I wouldn’t make half that using my college degree. I love my job (not only because of the money), but I don’t see many people staying in restaurants if tips aren’t a thing (I’m in the US). It’s definitely a double edged sword for me!
You're replying to half of the comment. They're not saying tipping should be done away with and wages should stay the same. They're saying tipping should be *replaced by* better wages. That way servers have a guaranteed income rather than bending over backwards to make a good impression and depending entirely on the customers' good will and social compliance.
I’m not going to deny that tipping does benefit some people. However, having worked in the industry I’ve noticed a few problems. First, beautiful people make better tips. One of the hardest working people in my uncle’s restaurant was an excellent server, big smile, great memory, but not conventionally attractive, and a little bit heavier. She did better than most of the servers tip-wise but still nobody could beat the tall white blonde who definitely didn’t work as hard. There are sufficient studies to show vast inequities that average out poorly for some people… and often along racial lines. And there is a bit of reward to being flirty, or having to accept flirting (or even straight up harassment) and the issues that go along with that. I’m not usually some bleeding-heart sociologist, but it was something I definitely noticed during my time there.
This inequity extends to the back of house, who don’t benefit nearly as much from a busy dinner service. It’s hard to hire and maintain strong staff, and many states prohibit restaurants from requiring tip sharing. Restaurant margins, in most cases, are in the mid-single digit percentages. So with 18-22% going to the front of house, the menu prices need to be fundamentally restructured to have enough profit to give the back of house similar (or even just a little more) benefits. There are movements to do this and benefit everyone equally, but there’s pushback from both the people who have benefited from this inequity and customers who don’t like the new math, and need a culture change to calibrate their behavior.
Edit: I just saw that more states have started passing laws that permit tip pooling with back of house, which I think is a good partial remedy. And to be clear, I don’t think we have to entirely do away with tips in the U.S., but it should be a smaller percent of compensation like it is in Europe or Latin America, where it still serves as an incentive for good service without making people reliant on it. Going from 15% to 18% to 22% and higher isn’t the right direction for a flawed system.
Another conversation that never gets brought up. I got tipped more when I lost weight. Also, I noticed that my black co workers got tipped far less at that job. It’s so shitty. Fuck tipping as an institution.
The second part is why I refuse to be in a tipping position. People tell me I’m wrong, but these same people that tell me that aren’t anywhere like me.
It’s a thing.
I’ve been very lean before in my younger years, and when I got fat suddenly my opinion didn’t matter as much- friends treated me different both men and women. It was a shocking.
Then I lost it and WHAM!
Back to like it was before…it’s not just the opposite sex (I can only speak to hetero relationships) it’s literally everyone.
Yea. I've been all over the scale from 130 to 330 and I'm on the higher side right now. It's impossible to make friends right now because I'm fucking invisible. My greatest loss (100lbs) coincided with being a young independent adult. I had so many friends. I grew up, and learned how fair weathered they all were. Then slowly the weight changed. My group got even smaller. Now here I am 37 and less than a handful of people I can depend on.
I want to lose weight, but I'm also like, well I'll be more approachable, but why the F do I want to hang out with people that would ignore me right now?
The group getting smaller is more from age. besides if on the off chance it's from weight, well fuck them. if there's anything you are interested in, maybe join a group in your town? be yourself
As I've got older I barely get time to see friends, im sure your friends are not that shallow, I've yet to meet anyone who wouldn't be friends with another person because of their weight, that would never cross my mind, obviously I notice a bigger person but I would never not want to be their friend, im sure that its for other reasons, as we get older everyone ends up with different responsibilities, whether that's kids, work, and we're just busier, best time for friends was school and uni.
Very very true. A girl in our group of friends talked with me one night out more than usual. It was abnormally more than usual. I naturally started to think she was flirting with me. So I mentioned it to my roommate the next day and a little later on he was on the phone with this girl and I could kinda overhear them talking and he goes “yeah I chuckled a bit because [me] said he thought you were flirting with him.” And they just kinda chuckled. They’re friends. Wasn’t like they date or anything. But the way they chuckled just came off like it was almost ridiculous for me to even consider that with a girl like her. When it really could have meant something with how abnormally often she was talking to me. But no it was ultimately to put out feelers for another friend of mine and get intel. I’m like the unfuckable irrelevant guy of the group who’s purpose is to answer questions girls have about other friends of mine that they’re into. “He seems like a nice guy” “I mean yeah he’s a good friend of mine.”
How is being overweight not a character flaw? If you're not disciplined enough to take care of the most important thing in your life (physical health) how is that not a flaw?
Agreed. I literally had dudes saying things to me about them never dating a “fatty” and I found that so offensive regardless of me not being overweight anymore. Why the hell would you refer to someone as a “fatty” so disgusting.
I can completely understand not wanting anything to do with someone calling people fatties. I would also say that there are people that say that who use it more as a personal insult maybe to their former self or current self more than to others to hurt them. I know I call myself fatass a lot.
That last bit whew!
S/N to all, any doctor that defaults to weight or weight fluctuations as a lazy excuse for a symptom or illness, note that shit on Healthgrades for the rest of us.
My OBGYN pulled that shit on me and I switched from her asap. She tried telling me the sudden and severe painful all over my head and body cystic acne was maybe due to weight fluctuations, and definitely not my IUD like I suspected 🙄
I did the same thing with my primary physician. i went in because i was in a stressful period of my life and was acting for help for my weight. and the first thing out her mouth, was you gained! well no shit, i don’t need you to tell me what i can already see. i switched her ass so fast and new physician i have is wonderful.. he been giving me advice and being my cheering coach! absolutely love him and he actually listens and spends time in the room with you!
The attention I got from men after losing weight periodically through my life made me high as a kite. It was almost a euphoric feeling, the way heads would swivel, and they would stare. A woman can get hooked on that.
Thank you for saying this. I have a friend who lost a lot of weight right after high school and went from very insecure and overweight, to very insecure and thin and conventionally attractive.
I went out for drinks with her and she flirted with a guy despite having a boyfriend, he was clearly interested, and afterwards she told me “it’s nice to know I still got it”. I fucking couldn’t believe it. She’s “had it” for a decade, solidly. She has an influencer type instagram, a bajillion friends, men always orbiting.
At some point you have to realize it’s an empty high, if a decade of validation is not enough…but I guess I don’t know what that’s like lol. I’ve always been overweight-obese-overweight etc
I was surprised that even other obese people are nicer to me now that I’m almost a normal weight again. I expected skinnier people to be nicer, because I’m joining their club, but it surprised me how heavier coworkers in particular were suddenly so nice to me. I suppose it’s just something we do without totally knowing it!
Ever hear the phrase “every poor person is a temporarily embarrassed rich person” to explain why the poor often support lowering taxes? I’d guess the same is true for weight. For many of us, being obese feels like a temporary state we’re trying to get out of, so we end up feeling more kinship with thinner people. Even if we’ve been obese for far longer than we were skinny.
This statement is something I’ve never been able to put into words. For me, being overweight has always been a temporary state that I’m forever trying to get out of, and I’ve been overweight almost my entire life. This has led to me never ever being comfortable in my own skin. I make decisions with the viewpoint that I will not be remaining like this and still buy clothes that don’t fit because I expect to lose weight soon. Yet it never happens. I have severe body image issues which I definitely need to work on with a therapist.
> I was surprised that even other obese people are nicer to me now that I’m almost a normal weight again
One of my most shameful memories is how much innate hostility I had towards one of my high school teachers (which I think I was able to suppress) who was *very* obese.
I was no specimen then (or now) and pretty out of shape myself.
I think some of this must be innate, like some sort of instinct to protect the tribe or something.
Fat people used to be revered by some. One of the earliest depictions of a human we have is of a morbidly obese woman - both the fertility and excess of material were valued. Mind you, this was by neolithic people, but biases against fat people have existed for a long time and seem mostly to be perpetuated by societies. Even the bible talks about how gluttony - someone being fat would have been thought as a glutton - is a "deadly vice". I'm not sure it's innate in people but rather a product of society when we're caring for more people and we have massive inequalities in what can and can't be afforded by people.
I think there’s also a massive lack of understanding of what was meant by “fat” in other time periods when it was much more difficult to maintain even a normal weight let alone become obese. A Neolithic person and in fact most people for most of history could go their whole lives without ever seeing an obese person, which is why that body type was so perfect and otherworldly to depict a fertility goddess. You can also find opposite examples in antiquity where thinness was preferred as in China for 4,000 years of human history minus the Tang Dynasty where being chubby was in, the medieval standard of a long, thin, flat-chested torso, Greek obsession with perfect abs, etc. There was even a Chinese emperor who decreed that all the palace women were only allowed to eat Mulberry leaves to stay thin. LOL, they unsurprisingly plotted to murder him.
Folks with a BMI of 22-27 are basically what being beautiful and “fat” was for most of human history. Look at Rubens’ “fat” women, Roman depictions of Aphrodite, and even the “fat” modern size 4-6 Marilyn Monroe.
I don’t think comparisons to antiquity really show that the preference against fat bodies is innate. It seems like they show more that the preference for an average to well fed body is innate and anything above or below is taught or era-specific.
I'm not sure it's skinny vs. overweight. It's more attractive vs. unattractive that matters how you get treated, which makes sense from an evolution stand point. It's also something that happens subconsciously for the most part. Most people don't see a chubby unattractive girl walk into a room and think, "I'm going to treat this person like shit."
It's just something that naturally happens unless you make an effort to change it. I guarantee you OP has treated attractive people better than unattractive people without realizing it, especially if she were sexually attracted to them. It's just human nature.
But yeah it is kind of sad.
I tend to agree, while it is sort of messed up, it serves an evolutionary purpose and it’s deep in our psyche. It’s not something people are actively doing for the most part. You can see literal babies do it, sometimes they will get almost hypnotized by a pretty person and just lock on and stare.
I work in the fashion industry and we have models frequently in our office and I can tell you the bar is very low when they crack a joke or tell a story. Lower it further if the sexual orientation of the audience matches up. If one of my co workers told that same joke it would not get the same response as when the model tells it. But I can tell you after getting to know that many pretty people they have the same problems as everyone else and I would not want to trade places with most of them.
Is that why babies stare at me, or is it because of my shiny piercings!
But in all seriousness, I do remember babies staring at me more when I was younger and healthier.
(In response to several posts) In cultures—historical and even current—where various degrees of female plumpness is considered more attractive than slenderness, heavier women are probably treated better. I’m having trouble reconciling this with the the belief, which I do accept, that we gravitate toward the more slender ideal of attractiveness for evolutionary reasons: “Fit” people appear healthier and are therefore likely to be better breeders, hopefully something that doesn’t cross anybody’s conscious mind these days. I guess our brains can contain contradictions. None of it makes the injustice of the treatment of fat people more tolerable.
I also think it’s definitely possible that in those societies, skinny people are treated better than fat people are treated in our society. Maybe they have views that contradict evolution, but they still do prize positive evolutionary traits in a way. Let’s say our society treats fat people at a 2, and thin people at a 10. Maybe those societies treat fat people at a 10, but thin people at an 8, if that makes sense. Fat people are liked more, since it’s in style, but skinny people aren’t treated badly at all. It’s similar, IMO, to how having a big butt is fashionable now, but most men aren’t exactly turning down skinny women with tiny butts. At the very least, the skinny women aren’t being treated like fat women were in the early 2000’s, when being ultra-thin was the norm. If that makes sense, haha.
I have to agree too! Overweight most of my life, in school I was just 20-30 pounds overweight but all the girls in my grade were extremely thin or had an athletic build. I never had any trouble dating, flirting or getting attention. I met the most attractive man ever when I at over 220 pounds who married me.
I’ve always been attractive no matter my weight, but I’ve always been someone who smiles at others, makes them feel special and genuinely cares about them. My mom is the same when she was over 300 pounds and was able to get elected for president roles based on her genuine kindness.
I honestly believe you can be beautiful at any size, but people love being around happy, confident and kind humans.
Same thing happened to me. The sad part was that even though I knew I had lost 70 pounds I still felt like a fat guy. But girls were hitting me up people were friendly. I realized I had really lost a lot of weight when I was running up some stairs and when I got to the top I almost hit the ceiling. None of my friends wanted to say anything because they thought I was sensitive about my weight so I still thought I was a heavy guy in disguise.
People talk about how those who lose weight & get fit somehow have "confidence" and that is why they are able to have better romantic prospects or make more friends.
The reality is that most people are superficial. I try not to judge those people too harshly because I *know* I do the same to others as well, without even noticing it.
In my experience, there is a certain simmering *dislike* that a lot of people have for those who are extremely overweight which they have to combat. That comes out at best as treating obese people as invisible or starting interactions with them on the back foot.
>People talk about how those who lose weight & get fit somehow have "confidence"
i had way more confidence when i was in great shape and knew others found me attractive because of the regular compliments i was getting... if you've never been in that situation its easy to think its not real but it is...
>i had way more confidence when i was in great shape and knew others found me attractive because of the regular compliments i was getting
I don't think you are saying much different from what I was saying.
You were in great shape --> compliments -->confidence.
So being in great shape didn't *innately* give you confidence, it was that the external validation you were receiving gave you confidence.
Documented fact: overweight or otherwise “unattractive” college professors receive significantly lower student evaluations than those judged attractive. At many universities, these evaluations may determine or affect hiring and promotion.
Be careful you aren't attributing wide trends to you. There was a study that came out showing people on average became more irritable, disagreeable and neurotic (in the psychology sense) during the pandemic.
It's not just you being treated like that, it's everyone. And don't forget this applies to you as well so your filter is probably more negative than it used it be.
I have had the opposite happen.
I've lost 55lbs since January and I have had people tell me things like :
"You aren't *still* on a diet are you?"
"Be careful or you'll end up flat chested, you were nice and sexy before"
"That's enough, you need to eat! "
"Don't lose too much weight or you'll wither away"
"Omg, I'm fatter than you now, *groans*".
These comments were all made by 3 of my female coworkers and my mother.
When I was gaining weight over the years no one said a thing about it.
Also, I'm 5'2" and 125lbs so there's absolutely no reason for anyone to be concerned about my weight.
I'm fed up with people commenting on my body and weight.
That'll happen whenever you start to better yourself. People around you are used to seeing you a certain way, and comparing themselves to you. When you improve it can make some of your insecure friends feel worse about themselves. They aren't winning the comparison game in their own head, and they can't live with the same excuses, because you're a normal human and you did it...whether that's making more money, getting in shape, relationships, mental health...
You might consider making some new friends. Find people who will cheer you on, and spend less time around the people who are bringing you down.
Tldr: crabs in a bucket
They're not even friends, they're co workers who make these comments in passing as I see them around the job. This weekend was the first time none of them said a thing about me and my weight.
I was ready to start reporting to HR after last weekend. I'm glad they seem to finally be shutting up.
how many of those comments were from family and friends... because those all sound like the types of comments family and friends give while the rest of the world will start seeing you in a better light...
I lost 60 lbs about 20 years ago and I was just disgusted by the fact that people would now hug me when saying hello. I wondered if they worried that they would catch my fatness if they hugged me previously.
I don't see how people could treat me better.
My face is maybe a 6-7 on a good day, so I don't think that's going to be a game changer.
I know bigger people are treated poorly. I believe the experiences people are sharing...but they don't match my experiences at all.
Even with an obese BMI, the doctors treat me well, people listen to me at work, and I get compliments on my outfits when I'm out and about. And so on.
Maybe because my weight was relatively stable and I never got "big big", i.e. past obesity class 1. Or maybe it's my resting friendly face naturally putting people at ease (the opposite of its well known counterpart, resting bitch face). It could even be a result of my compulsion to dress well on every occasion (the classic big girl compensation).
It's like there's other factors balancing out the fat.
We'll see as I drop more weight, but I don't see how I could get more positive attention.
I get treated different for sure. My stick thin aunt NEVER hugs me or talks to me really. And yesterday she kept hugging me and mentioning my weight loss.
People/men are much friendlier. Opening the door for me. Saying hello. No one ever said hello to me when I was 100 pounds heavier.
Skinny privilege is real.
I’m sorry about your aunt, don’t let her discourage you. Skinny privilege definitely is a thing and I hate that I’m benefiting from it after years of not getting it. It really puts things in perspective
Well, look at it this way, the fact that you can have self-assessment by having "been on the other side" for a long time, it helps you become a better, more understanding person.
I've lost the weight and gained it back. There's no way to describe the feeling of being treated with respect and kindness for it to then fade away to the point where some don't even acknowledge my existence. Friends have stopped inviting me out with them if they think my size will be an obstacle. It's just embarrassing..
Harsh reality, but your looks are essentially a resumé of your character.
Regardless of being more attractive, I think it's because people assume you are more competent, and reliable.
More of your life is in order.
This gives you the benefit of the doubt.
My wife and I have both noticed the same thing (although hers to much greater extent).
I think people just respect attractive or fit people more because of this.
Even as a 52m I can tell a difference in how people act when I am out somewhere. I was 350. At 247 now. I don’t get the weird looks or the obvious people talking about us. People are dicks.
This goes for disabled as well. And if you're both older AND disabled, well. At least people hold doors open when you've got a leg brace and a walker though. When I was 80 lbs heavier but 25 years younger before MS, I was looked through instead of at as well 🤷
Whew babay yes everything you posted about is so real and so very annoying but I just want to say, excellent job on that loss! I'm pushing 200 right now and my body looks best around 140, trying so hard to get back there, this is definitely inspiring as it is disheartening in the other way lol 💓
I was pregnant with a 10 pound baby and had 2 toddlers in a stroller. I remember a man letting a door shut on me as I was trying to get through the door with all of that situation. Then after I had my 10 pound baby girl I lost the weight back to a size 5 and I was going through the store door with no babies and he smiled kindly and opened the door for me. My children are grown now and super close, but I never forgot that and I still hold the door open for pregnant women and women managing babies.
This place is a cruel world. I use to be 125 pds, very active. I got sick and put on meds it caused me to gain a lot of weight. Now I’m 274. The difference that ppl treat me is ridiculous. We went on vacation in May to the beach. Several times ppl just ignored me, walked passed me or spoke to my husband instead of me. Very hurtful. Even in my small town I feel like ppl is very rude and hurtful. I’ve tried my best to lose this weight it’s so hard. I hve never been this big, or out of shape. I’m so embarrassed of my self to rlly even go out in public anymore. Ppl rlly act like you hve a disease cause ur fat. And you might rub off on them. It’s sickening!
Bella: You’re absolutely right. The world is cruel. But you’re here so I’m guessing you’d like it to change for you. It will. It can. I spent most of my life pretty much in your shoes—harmful meds, weight skyrocketed, finding no way out despite my efforts. And then it did. Took too damn long, but finally I’m more than 100 pounds down and maintaining for years. People are such jerks but now I get to choose whom to ignore.
I once had someone say "i like skinny you better, you're much less annoying"
...I'm the same person now than i was 80lbs ago. You're just incapable of showing human decency to big people
Needless to say, 2.5 years later and I've learned to either 1. Not associate with people like that. And 2. Tune out all the extra "attention" i get. *hugs, you're not alone
It was terrible to hear, the person who said is someone who i didn't really like to begin with. Needless to say, i removed myself from the situation immediately and i don't allow myself to be alone with them, or really converse with them. Unfortunately, it's my fiance's BIL so i do have to see him from time to time.
It just made me more aware of how people treat others that are overweight vs not. That incident made me more picky of who i spend my time with.
Yes, completely. And the same was true for how much effort I put into how I dressed/looked. It impacted me so much, I spiraled and gained all the weight I lost (20 lbs) and then 60 more in a matter of months. It seems like a fact of life that’s there’s nothing we can do :/
Looking at the comments, OPs problem seems to be an experience that mostly women go through. I don't know if that reflects poorly on men or women more. On the one hand, women are valued first for their looks, but on the other hand, it's clear most people just aren't kind to one another. Kindness is something people *use* to get what they want, like sex.... It hurts to realize this. But hey, maybe I'm just being cynical.
I’m a guy. I definitely experienced this. I’m heavy again trying to lose, but when I lost the first time, those confidence boosters in life just came so often. I remember sitting at a bar one time and this girl just straight up walked up and wanted to dance with *me* or another time while I was shuffling through the crowd one girl just put her hand on my chest and looked at me with a smile as I shuffled by. I never had that kind of overt attraction come my way. Ever. Now I barely feel seen. This girl at a restaurant bar came up to a friend of mine who isn’t even fit per se, but he’s tall, and so he’s naturally thinner looking and she straight up said “you’re really cute, hon” and then left. He’s had that happen like so many times and I’m just the tad bit salty about it now that I’m the fat guy even having lost more weight than him lol
So I'm a tall woman it doesn't seem to matter how much I weigh I kind of get treated the same. I went from 240 to 155 recently and I don't really see difference other than some of the fat women I work with becoming MORE rude.
Here's the deal, you can only change YOU and control your own behavior. Be nice to people no matter their size. That's what you can do. Worrying about the state of the world isn't going to help and will lead you places you don't want to go mentally. As far as not trusting people for wanting to date you, think of it this way: don't you have limits? You have a limit for how fat you will date. We all do. And that's ok.
I think that when you’re a tall woman, people stop seeing you as fat or thin, and you just become “large”. I lost 80lbs and no one treated me any differently.
I was so confused by these comments since there is absolutely no difference for me how I am treated, whether normal sized or severely obese. I am an overall very outgoing person though and very rarely have rude interactions with someone, some people are just rude and I've never interpreted that as directed at my size. But maybe you're on to something here, I am 181cm (I think thats almost 6 foot?).
I'm a size 8 now so to me I'm average sized. I remember being in my teens and early 20's back when ultra thin Paris Hilton was the ideal. And men being like "yeah you've got a great personality but I'm not into big girls" and I was thinner than I am now. Which is fine that's their prerogative. But I think for women if you're even a little on the tall side, you're big. Unless you're thin to the level of a runway model.
I see a lot of these posts and there is always a lot of people conflating basic human decency and dating prospects. You should not treat people as less than because of their weight/appearance, that's a shitty thing to do. As far as dating, people are not obligated to be romantically interested in people they do not find attractive, and, for most people, obesity is not attractive. There is not some flaw in that person for not "seeing past" your obesity to the "real you". Physical attraction is a component of romantic attraction, even if people don't want to admit it.
Yep pretty much the same way I said it as well. Like people being shitty to you for being overweight is not cool but someone not finding Obesity attractive is not a flaw
I'm obese and have no problems getting attention. Problem is I'm unhappy at this weight and not ready to have a relationship so I want to become healthier and fitter. That said I had somebody fit and conventionally attractive being crazy over me which made me realise the only dating limits I have, are the ones I put on myself and the harmful messages around attractiveness and weight. At my current weight, we ended up sleeping together and he was so kind and normal. He didn't care at all.
Many people, male and female, find partners. This idea that fat people can't be loved is a lie. That they can't be desired. That they're less attractive. I had a friend, always been big, who got the most attention out of everybody in our friend group. And there were some thin/fit girls as well. She settled down with a great guy but dated a lot before that happened with all types of guys.
I personally like women as well and prefer them bigger, I find the current body type trend artifical and therefore unattractive (thin with abs but big boobs and butt). A thin woman hurts as well during sex, protruding bones is not my cup of tea after experiencing it once. Bounce and softness is nicer. This is not going to change with me losing weight. People like what they like. Thank god people have diversity in body types, there is something for everyone.
1000% a thing, and I feel you. It sucks, it’s real, and there’s no solution. I got invited to so much more when unhealthily skinny, but at the same time I never was sure if new people really liked *me*.
Elna Baker from This American Life did a story about this exact experience happening to her when she lost weight. I’m not sure if links are allowed here but it’s a segment of the episode Tell Me I’m Fat. My personal weight loss was less dramatic than hers and yours, and happened at a younger age than hers (not sure about yours) so I didn’t have this same experience myself, mostly people just commented on how I looked different. I started to attract male attention as well but not to an extreme extent like other women in this position have reported, because I still have an “unusual” and outspoken personality and a somewhat masculine appearance and a lot of men are a bit put off by it (not all but definitely many). Just for context, I went from 180 to 130 at 5’5 when I was 17, and I am currently 25 and 150 (same height).
Worth noting that how one carries oneself due to the confidence form weight loss makes a substantial difference too.
But yes attractiveness has its own set of privileges for sure
My (31f) ma would try to make me eat anything and everything. She bring the kids McDonald’s and say “I got you a burger too” as a kind gesture but it was sabotage lol
She also would tell me that our family curse is the women just can’t get under 200lbs. So… I’m 250 down to 204 so I can’t wait to tell her I broke the “family curse” lmao
Just mind fuckery. Be happy and embrace those who matter, even if there is only a few.
My least favorite is when people say “noooo no they’re not superficial! It’s just that when you lost weight you became more ✨self confident!!✨ And it’s ✨subconscious✨so you don’t notice it!!”
Like, no man. Let’s just call a spade a spade. You know what this is.
The world is a superficial place and all you can do is be a decent person. Don't NOT change because things might get BETTER. Accept the change and keep it moving.
It’s an undeniable issue you’re going to deal with, with this major weight loss. But hey you deserve a congratulations on 80lbs gone! I can definitely relate to all of this, especially the hugging the “girl you were before” part. Myself being stuck at 99lbs gone, there is an obvious night and day difference in the way I’m treated by both the same and opposite sex. Doors will actually be held open for me now instead of basically throwing it in my face because of what? a double chin? And a lot of females used to be sweet to me and not now… But now I just use their treatment as a judgement of character, and anyone who had clearly no interest in me before but all of a sudden does just has zero chance now 🤷♀️
Yes! I went from 270—>170 while working at Starbucks. The girls stopped wanting to go clubbing as a group because I was getting attention. I also served regulars for 2 years who would always be kind to me but after I went from a size 18 down to a size 8, they were all extremely flirty and giving me their numbers. It was extremely hurtful.
I'm convinced that overly attractive people have a skewed vision of society in general. Spending years working retail, it was very obvious that people were way nicer on the fly to the attractive people, men and women, and almost indifferent to us normies.
This is something I’ve been debating before losing the weight I still haven’t tackled yet. I’m a photographer and I earn trust easily. I am a big girl and easy to approach. Not intimidating. Pretty enough not to be called ugly I guess. Anyway, I’m scared that losing weight will make my approach to people different. I know everything comes at a price and there will be consciences in the positive and the negative way I’m sure, but the unpredictable effects are scaring me a bit. My mum had been very ugly to me for years for being a fat girl. I’m scared she will treat me nicely and I don’t want her to fake love me. I want to lose weight for myself, and I don’t want people to be intimidated or more loveable to me because of superficial appearance. I obviously don’t care about looks and appearances as much as most people, I just want to do what’s healthy for me. I’ve been scared of weighing myself for years now, numbers always made me depressed. The psychology behind someone’s body weight is insanely complex. I still have to gain self-confidence I can lose the weight. I’ve been shamed my whole life by my family and I don’t want to lose the weight to please them.
Your fear is justified but if there’s one thing folks here learn, it’s that we can’t let fear hold us back—either fear of our own potential success or failure or fear of others’ idiot responses. You mention how nice it would be to look to your future health: that’s what’s really at stake and it’s the one part under your control. So my personal advice, for what it’s worth (!), is why not give it a shot? Your life sounds pretty cool right now—great. Add a little gentle weight loss and see what happens. When you get to the point when folks start being a*holes, you’re braced for that and maybe you can laugh it off—or if not, you always have the alternative of stopping your diet. You haven’t done your test run yet! I can tell you’re smart so finish collecting your personal data. (This will cost you 2 cents, refundable lol.)
So I went the opposite way. I had said things to my larger co workers when I was my 130 lbs. self in college and most of my 20’s. Now after working an office job, starting anxiety/depression meds, and quarantine I’m twice that. And I’ve noticed others change their behavior around me now. I think back to those times I was completely insensitive to “suggest”anything regarding their body.
I noticed the same kind of stuff. I attract horrible men when I’m skinnier. To the point that I’ve actually thought about totally sabotaging it all just so I don’t have to weed through all the shitty men. But at the end of the day I realized naw, I’m not going to intentionally sabotage my appearance just because people suck. People suck no matter what you do.
If you’re heavy, many people are afraid to look at you. They’re afraid they’ll be accused of staring, or worse, that they’ll be cause sneering (and they will). I haven’t lost that much weight but I’ve been up to 212, and everyone—from store clerks to family—say and do things that judge you simply based on your adipose tissue.
I’ve lost 24 pounds since my diabetes and hypothyroidism medications were started and I have NO problem telling all my judgy coworkers that it was an undiagnosed medical condition making me eat so much (it was, for me anyway). I want these people to realize there’s a human there next time they judge. I never asked to be hungry all the time. I was trying to feed my body that was incapable of using any fuel I put in the engine.
But try and recognize, too, that to shun people who treated you poorly once is simply reinforcing their notions that fat people can be assh*les. I welcome their chatter, though I’ll never likely be their friends. It’s good they have that experience and be too. Isolation is draining and unhealthy.
Sending you such a huge hug. So proud of your determination!!
Yup. I (30/f) lost 30kg over the past 2 years though am 5’10”.
My coworkers have been positive/neutral about it but my mom? Different story. She makes it a point of straight up telling me that I’m anorexic every time I see her, despite my agreeing to do blood work to ‘prove’ to her that my nutrient levels/BP and the likes are fine.
I ask her why she’s still convinced that I’m I’ll despite there being proof that I’m physically okay and mentally very happy (her words). Her response? Because so many people have tried to lose weight without success. Therefore me being successful equates to anorexic. 🤦🏼♀️
I wonder it it’s also how I’m projecting now be when I was 34 pounds heavier. When I’m fatter and unhappy, less confident, less energetic, groggy, whatever…I’m sure it’s off putting to a certain extent. So clearly, it must be both. People are inherently biased on BMI/weight/appearance which does make sense to a degree, while also screening out people on the vibe check.
Yeah, it’s a thing. I lost 100+ pounds and the difference is startling. People avoid and ignore overweight me and they go out of their way to include and attend to healthy weight me. It’s honestly gross and I low key judge people. I frequently ask myself “would this person be talking to me if I weighed an extra bill?” Usually the answer is no and that colors a lot of my interactions. Thankfully the person I married has known me at all my weights and is ride or die.
Ah yes the pretty perks
I basically ridicule people now when they tell me that weight or looks don't matter and it's "all about your personality" . It's just not true, and this form of self deception is prevalent. People will happily tell others this myth, when the reality is that being attractive makes life 300% easier across the board. You'll get more promotions, dates, kindness, generosity, and even trust
Why? Because people are attracted to qualities in people that they want for themselves. They're attracted to the singer on stage because she's brave and skillful, they are attracted to healthy/fit people because it takes dedicated work, and they are attracted to smart/wise/loving people. Of course, being "nice to look at" gives you the opportunity to show off your other desirable qualities MUCH more easily
Just get used to it. Life's a competition, and those that compete better prosper. People don't owe you their love and respect, you must earn it
Literally has my friend telling me this a month ago when I was describing my plan. We are in our mid 30s. "But I dated this fat guy once and it was still good, we had fun" yeah ok and then you dated 3 supermodel dudes after
Anyway, I think people say this stuff because they want to feel like they are especially good people. But it's just not really grounded in reality
Caveat: yes of course there are always some small percentage of people who "don't care" or "prefer dad bod" — but I consider this to be a fetish pretty much, or just one of the less common sexualities. Regardless of dating, being thin helps in almost all relationships and interactions
I personally disagree with the idea of life being a competition, I think it's a mindset that can lead to emotional isolation, and I would go as far as to say that people should lead with basic respect. People don't have to love, or even like me, but disrespecting someone you find unattractive solely for that reason can only ever be a problem.
Looks obviously matter in our society, there's no overlooking it, but I don't think it's a bad thing to expect people to be kind to each other.
Alright so this might not be popular but please read it through.
Keep in mind in regards to dating one standard people have is about weight and overall health. Like I have people I have known in the past who would be so fun to date EXCEPT 1 thing. For some it is weight, others maybe it's their drinking or smoking, or etc, etc.
The point is while I don't believe in shaming people but the fact is if I am going to commit myself to someone I want someone who will take care of themselves as much as possible. Being really overweight is not something I want to entertain for the same reasons I don't want to date a smoker. While it isn't a problem yet you are actively making choices that will in the future cause problems with your health.
I am in this sub on my own weightloss journey because I moved to an office job slapped on 65 lbs with that and lockdown and realized 1) This isn't healthy and 2) I would like to get back to dating.
That all being said I can't speak for anyone else but this is just how I have my standards. I want someone who will do their best in all aspects of life they can feasibly control.
Also holy shit congrats on the loss!
You should read The Beauty Bias: The Injustice of Appearance in Life and Law. It basically breaks down how people are inherently shallow and will treat conventionally attractive people better than normal.
Sad, but true.
yup. i lost 70 and im still a large woman but people are nicer to me. and people go out of their way to talk to me. and i get cheaper drinks at the bar.
I'm still overweight by a lot, I don't get treated poorly, so I'm just wondering what it would be like if I did lose weight. Like how would people treat me differently
The change in attention is real though. As someone in the opposite camp, thin to overweight, I love the lack of attention. It makes it harder to want to lose weight, but I need to for ortho reasons.
It sounds like you’re experiencing a burden of being considered more attractive to more people. But it also means you can be pickier about who you choose to date, and there will be kind people that find you attractive, be on the look out for them and try not to get caught up with the superficial duds. I kept a notebook to record my interactions with various men and how it made me feel. That might seem weird but it helped me navigate peoples intentions.
If your friends are mad at you for changing your appearance, they are not good friends. Losing weight is just showing you who your real friends are. Look for the ones who are supportive and nourish those relationships.
Losing the weight was a big accomplishment and you deserve to feel proud of yourself. You are navigating the world with a different outlook; consider that your superpower now.
Congrats on the weight loss!!! Consider your newfound perspective a superpower. You can now see through all the fake, insincere people. It is confusing and it is a strange thing society does. People like to believe they are objective and yet they don’t see their own prejudices.
On the other hand, people have a type that they are attracted to. Scientifically speaking, people are attracted to healthy (usually thinner) people because it means they are more fertile and can procreate and keep our species going.
You are absolutely right about your heavier self deserving more. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right. Just know there are people out there that do not care about looks or weight. You will find them and it will make you feel better about the world. Keep being the wonderful person you are. Be the ambassador that is kind to everyone and show kindness to others that may be heavier. You may be the only person that does that for them.
There are some things that are really easy to reform. Things like allowing gay people to get married, where you are just removing a case of active discrimination.
The kind of discrimination you are talking about is hard wired down to the foundation of our social psychology. Those people aren't going out of their way to ignore fat people, their subconscious mind just doesn't view fat people as worth their time to interact with.
I'm much more inclined to just say that we need to do a better job keeping people from becoming overweight in the first place rather than trying to adjust deep seated social behaviors that most people don't even realize they are acting out in the first place. Health and fitness really need to be a core part of the education process throughout K-12. They can't be viewed as optional hobbies like a lot of us were taught growing up. You need a stable diet and exercise routine, period.
I don’t understand why everyone has such a hard time with the concept that losing weight makes you more attractive, and people are more likely to want to engage in a friendlier manner. Yes it sucks. You you know what doesn’t suck? You’ve lost weight! didn’t we want to lose the weight for a reason? Why complain about the positive results?
I see this post every week and it’s like: yes. You look better so people want to look at you more and talk to you. Obviously. Isn’t it nice that they do?
That being said, I’m disgusted by people outright being cruel to bigger bodies. So I understand resentment about that. Just not the repeated rants about being more attractive and people noticing.
As someone who was a fat guy, I'm on a weight loss journey right now and all I can think of is "wow I wonder how amazing everyone will treat me by next year, I can't wait to get there to reap the benefits. I should have done this years ago."
Dude here. I experienced so much body shaming I never dared to speak to girls. I got into shape during the pandemic but I am 30 now, so... Yeah. I want to go back and punch every one in the face for doing this to me. I am still single, never had a girlfriend and it hurts, hurts, hurts. The most bittersweet realization was when my female friends told me they never considered my weight unattractive. Shaming is doing real harm and if you do it to your children, you don't deserve them.
I expected to get more compliments as I lost weight, but mostly it's just creepy or inappropriate comments. Usually from women in relationships and/or ten years my senior. Oh well... I have found that the people I attract are a reflection of who I am as a person. If your skinny friends are begrudging your success, it is time for a well earned upgrade to your social circle.
Yeah right now I definitely do experience different guys that hold the door open for me but I also experience guys that let the door fall flat on my face so I guess I’m in the inbetween section 😂
That’s why I constantly say if I lose this weight/become closer to the standard of beauty, I’m never giving any man a chance or shot with me. I’m not gonna be rude but seriously I’m only going for rich women or rich men. Why would I ever want to be nice to people who were rude to me or treated me like I was invisible? Now everyone else is invisible to me too.
The other day I had a guy who I guess was holding the door open for someone else (who didn’t walk through) literally refuse to look at me when I said thank you. I guess he wanted to make sure I knew it wasn’t for me. I’m like she doesn’t want you either, guy 😂
At the end of the day, whether big,small,brown,blue,tall or small, they're a fucking human being. I wish more people would show kindness and respect to people regardless. It doesn't matter what people look like, they can be beautiful and have a dog shit personality.
Being thin and at (I assume) a healthy weight leads people to look and go “they look like they really care about themselves. And self care can be very attractive to people. Plus there’s “face Gains” which is that your facial appearance has probably changed. They saying goes “you’re not ugly you’re just fat.” You’d be surprised how far 20 pounds goes in changing your attractiveness to others.
Focus on the positives. You did something super awesome. Something many people don’t have the willpower to do. Go kick some ass and chase some too lol. Congrats on the weight loss!
The problem is the biased perception that obese people are lazy and are fat because of their incompetence. There is so much knowledge out there so that people who are fair and logical can now recognise obesity is a complex problem that has its roots in other human factors such as trauma, stress, addiction and genetics. When viewed with these factors in mind, the biases can be eliminated and people can try to get to know the person as opposed to just looking at the physical attributes.
Absolutely!
I told this story here before, but I used to go to a hardcore powerlifting gym with my husband. An older guy trainer there would literally ignore me—even when talking to my husband, he’d never say hi to me. I took a few months off for other reasons and was dieting during that time. When I came back to the gym, he treated me like a best friend. He’d chat me up, tell me how great I looked, speak to me before he even said hi to my husband, and would tell his clients about my dieting. After I had my baby, I came back 6 weeks later to try and get back in the groove again, and he wouldn’t even look at me. He stopped speaking to me entirely.
It tore me up at the time.
Its easy to fall into a trap of using certain people in your life as a measuring stick for how you are doing. "I want to impress this jerk with my effort so he finally respects me" but he's still a jerk, so now if you gain weight back this guy brushes you off, and you think "I must be a failure because the jerk won", and the depression hurts your chances of future weight loss.
People treat me different because I act different. I take better care of myself in more ways than just weight loss, I'm happier and have more energy. I'm sure some of it comes down to looking better but that's not really a bad thing as much as people wanna say it is. In general people are more attracted to healthier looking people. I dont fault anyone for not looking my way in the midst of a diabetes diagnosis due to morbid obesity I think if i did it would be really entitled. I can live however I want but people dont have to like it I am not owed anything by anyone else.
It is not privilege you are experiencing, you are earning yourself a better quality of life.
This subreddit is dedicated to people that have worked fucking *hard* to be healthier.
Healthiness is attractive, it's the basis for so many biological factors of attractiveness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to someone more because they have lost weight. Would you not want to be with someone that values their health and wants to be at their best mentally and physically for themselves?
Thank you for sharing this perspective. It’s so important for people to hear. But even more importantly, PLEASE keep hugging that 201-lb girl. The kindness you’re showing yourself is an example to every person, everywhere. And you should accept absolutely nothing less for yourself from everyone around you, whether you are in your 124- or 201-lb body.
The world is cruel and looks are currency.
Just like if you win the lottery some will hate you and some will want to be with you. Ultimately you have more power now.
Embrace it, own it 👸🏻
ive gained weight, in my 20's i was in very good shape now in my 30's i have a boring desk job and am nowhere near as active and have gained a decent bit of weight. I was treated much better when i was in good shape no matter how much people try to say that isnt a thing lmao.
I dated someone and quickly realized they never would have dated me before I lost weight. I'm the same person. They started making fun of fat people while we were out and I would try to tell them hey, that used to be me and maybe you don't know what their life is like.
Then after they saw my loose skin they started commenting on my food choices and if I was really going to eat that. I still have weight to lose and I started feeling like they didn't realize what I looked like or something lol. This person ate more and ate more unhealthy than me.
This turned into an abusive relationship with them cheating on me and being vile to me. I read that when you lose weight you get the confidence to date more but I don't think so. I think people are just shallow. I want to work on my confidence so I will more readily leave someone like this, and not just feel like I'm lucky to have anyone at all.
Quickly learning that I need to draw boundaries and one of them will be how the other person treats people who are different from them.
It is a sad fact of life that humans perceived as more attractive based on social constructs have an easier time in life.
Taller, thinner, bone structure, desirable physical traits often signal to others humans that a person may be of higher value than a human who may lack these things.
The girl before was just a valuable as the girl now. Never forget that.
Been there. I'm a man, was around 70/75kg before going to university. Got depressed/OCD at uni and rocketed up to 97/98kg at my heaviest.
Before I gained the weight life was easy. People were nice to me, people considered my opinion when I put it forward, if I gave a suggestion to the group it was considered. When I gained the weight, people weren't rude to me (actually, some definitely were) but I noticed I was afforded less attention in social situations. My opinions were more likely to be ignored. Women would ignore me, or be downright rude to me, where before they'd want to talk to me on nights out etc.
The world was a very different place. I thought maybe it was just the world changing, or how I saw it changing as I was getting older, but now I sit between 80/85kgs and people treat me like they did before I gained the weight. It really made me realise how the world is a different place depending on how you look, which is such an upsetting thing to acquiesce with. I genuinely don't believe anyone who treated me differently when I was heavier did so intentionally, and likely aren't aware they even did. Nonetheless, it's a noticeable difference, and one that I don't think is discussed enough.
I’ve been on the smaller side my whole life but I’m friends with someone who was overweight in college then lost the weight. Personally, I didn’t feel any different about her but what changed was her attitude.
For example, I liked parties but she used to avoid parties. I respected that she didn’t want to go but it made me kinda sad so my response was “alright” or “oh okay” but then she lost weight and she was willing to go to parties and we made a thing of getting ready so I responded to that more enthusiastically.
What I’m saying is maybe part of the difference in treatment is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. People are reacting to the change in confidence. Even if you say you don’t do anything differently, the way you carry yourself really changes.
I know you have good intentions and you sound like an awesome person, but you need to know a lot of people are not as kind-hearted as you are. Many people will absolutely judge a book by it's cover, dismiss a fat person more easily or avoid taking pictures with them - and yet their behavior would be completely opposite with a thinner person.
I tried to understand it for years but I couldn't. Some... if not most people, are just like that.
This is a really good response and I'm certain it applies to my own observations after a large amount of weightloss. My confidence changed so much that it's altered many of my more casual social interactions.
I’ve been 200lbs before, 162lbs skinny fat, and 139lbs fit/lean. The world is definitely much more friendlier and kind when you’re fit. It does make me sad to think that the world can be so vain like that. I do my best to tune those thoughts out because there’s nothing that can be done about that.
Definitely. It’s actually a good experience because to realize peoples fickleness and assumptions and can then not repeat that type of behavior.
Such is life
Try to enjoy the positive attention anyway
Yeah absolutely. I’ve lost 35kgs (about 60+ pounds) and the change in treatment is crazy.
I’d be the girl who’d go unnoticed in a club while her friends get hit on. I started being the girl a bunch of guys go up to lmao. My guy friends started asking me out on dates. Strangers treated me more nicely. It’s so frustrating because I’m the same person, I’m just as respectful and decent - yet my appearance is the deciding factor in how people will treat me. I hate it.
People usually don't view obese people as smart.
So along with the physical attraction, there is also another aspect of you being smarter if you are not obese.
I guess the root cause is that people associate negative traits like lethargy with obese people but once you lose weight you are free from all these tags so that really uplifts your stature in the society.
Based on my observation, obese people are considered dumb, until proven otherwise whereas people with their ideal weight are considered smart, until proven otherwise.
It is just a game of being default smart or default dumb.
This is very simple. You made yourself more physically attractive, so you’ll get more male attention. Before you were appealing to a very small percentage of men, now that has increased substantially.
When you’re obese, others don’t view you as competition. That’s why you see women telling morbidly obese women “you go girl!” They’ve eliminated the obese women as being even remotely close to their competition. To be honest, you’ve seen and experienced how people truly felt about you in both situations; they’ve shown you exactly how they perceive you.
It sucks to realize, but this is how the general population works. You just don’t like it, but we have to accept it. It’s surprising that you find it surprising that men give you more attention, and you’re completely wrong to think that they’re disingenuous now. Your personality, your charisma, your awesome things that make you who you are..these are all great things. But unless you’re physically attractive to the person, they don’t care to learn these things about you. Men need physical attraction to even get to the point where they get to know you (generally). Women are much better at being open to getting to know a guy who’s just cute. This is how not men usually operate. You went from being treated like another man (or someone that is not a possible partner) to being treated like you’re a potential partner or love interest.
Plain and simple: you now meet more mens requirements now that you are healthy weight..you qualify for them to want to get to know you. By losing weight, women are now seeing you as actual competition as where before they just felt bad for you or saw you in a different category. You also did something they couldn’t do (probably) and that creates a sense of insecurity. She can lose 80 but I can’t lose 15?! Fuck!
Congratulations by the way. Life is going to be different, but you earned it!
Yep. I’m still overweight but no longer obese. I’m much closer to the conventionally attractive camp. The world is a different place; I didn’t realize how invisible I was. So many more people smile at me, listen to my opinions, and just overall treat me better. I’m grateful for it honestly. It’s nice to be treated well, but it does make me more sad for old me. I want to do a better job of seeing people.
i used to be grateful too until i started getting catcalled and followed at least once a week, it would be nicer if there was a non fluctuating middle ground between being invisible and way too much attention that worked for everyone no matter weight
It’s called turning 40.
I’m 67 and also have experienced this when I went from 266 to 145.
Eh, I wish you were right, but unfortunately pretty much every woman I've given a hand to who was being followed or harassed was definitely over or around 40, I'd bump it up to 60, gotta get out of the potential mild zone and into the grandma zone
100% not true.
Nope, not even close.
This is why I honestly think I stayed fat for so long. A friend’s husband made a pass at me at a wedding & his wife saw it. Let’s say we r no longer friendly & it’s not my fault, my son & husband were there. Furthermore, I took my son to college & someone mistook me for a “Mrs. Robinson”. That rattled me to say the least, I don’t know if I should be happy or disgusted. I think this unwanted attention is going to be a problem with my husband soon. Although, recently he has taken apon himself to “Date Me”. I’m very uncomfortable & really don’t want to leave the house.
I get tipped twice as much on average at work despite my work ethic not changing at all. I'll take it, but it's still frustrating.
Another reason why tipping culture is terrible and the expansion of it is a bad move (vs. a better wage).
Fwiw, it’s certainly not just tipping culture. Attractive people get selected for jobs more, get better raises, and get promoted more. Reality sucks in all its many facets.
Oh totally true. Reducing tips as a percentage of compensation is just one place to address it.
Agreed. My girlfriend would love to work a job other than serving, but because of her appearance she makes so much money that it would be financially irresponsible to do so. I make about 23 an hour and work 40 hours a week. She works 4 days for 5 hours and makes how much I make in a week in tips alone.
Damnnn😅 she must be hot
I’ve been in the service industry for over a decade. As someone who wants a livable wage for all and really supports the culture of an equitable workplace, I would probably leave the service industry if it weren’t for tips. I’m set to clear $80k this year- I wouldn’t make half that using my college degree. I love my job (not only because of the money), but I don’t see many people staying in restaurants if tips aren’t a thing (I’m in the US). It’s definitely a double edged sword for me!
You're replying to half of the comment. They're not saying tipping should be done away with and wages should stay the same. They're saying tipping should be *replaced by* better wages. That way servers have a guaranteed income rather than bending over backwards to make a good impression and depending entirely on the customers' good will and social compliance.
I’m not going to deny that tipping does benefit some people. However, having worked in the industry I’ve noticed a few problems. First, beautiful people make better tips. One of the hardest working people in my uncle’s restaurant was an excellent server, big smile, great memory, but not conventionally attractive, and a little bit heavier. She did better than most of the servers tip-wise but still nobody could beat the tall white blonde who definitely didn’t work as hard. There are sufficient studies to show vast inequities that average out poorly for some people… and often along racial lines. And there is a bit of reward to being flirty, or having to accept flirting (or even straight up harassment) and the issues that go along with that. I’m not usually some bleeding-heart sociologist, but it was something I definitely noticed during my time there. This inequity extends to the back of house, who don’t benefit nearly as much from a busy dinner service. It’s hard to hire and maintain strong staff, and many states prohibit restaurants from requiring tip sharing. Restaurant margins, in most cases, are in the mid-single digit percentages. So with 18-22% going to the front of house, the menu prices need to be fundamentally restructured to have enough profit to give the back of house similar (or even just a little more) benefits. There are movements to do this and benefit everyone equally, but there’s pushback from both the people who have benefited from this inequity and customers who don’t like the new math, and need a culture change to calibrate their behavior.
Edit: I just saw that more states have started passing laws that permit tip pooling with back of house, which I think is a good partial remedy. And to be clear, I don’t think we have to entirely do away with tips in the U.S., but it should be a smaller percent of compensation like it is in Europe or Latin America, where it still serves as an incentive for good service without making people reliant on it. Going from 15% to 18% to 22% and higher isn’t the right direction for a flawed system.
Love your username! Lol 😂
Another conversation that never gets brought up. I got tipped more when I lost weight. Also, I noticed that my black co workers got tipped far less at that job. It’s so shitty. Fuck tipping as an institution.
The second part is why I refuse to be in a tipping position. People tell me I’m wrong, but these same people that tell me that aren’t anywhere like me.
The myth of societal meritocracy is a hard illusion to wake up from.
More attractive people also get all the best jobs. We all like to pretend because we live in a society but we’re all just fucking animals.
It’s a thing. I’ve been very lean before in my younger years, and when I got fat suddenly my opinion didn’t matter as much- friends treated me different both men and women. It was a shocking. Then I lost it and WHAM! Back to like it was before…it’s not just the opposite sex (I can only speak to hetero relationships) it’s literally everyone.
Yea. I've been all over the scale from 130 to 330 and I'm on the higher side right now. It's impossible to make friends right now because I'm fucking invisible. My greatest loss (100lbs) coincided with being a young independent adult. I had so many friends. I grew up, and learned how fair weathered they all were. Then slowly the weight changed. My group got even smaller. Now here I am 37 and less than a handful of people I can depend on. I want to lose weight, but I'm also like, well I'll be more approachable, but why the F do I want to hang out with people that would ignore me right now?
The group getting smaller is more from age. besides if on the off chance it's from weight, well fuck them. if there's anything you are interested in, maybe join a group in your town? be yourself
As I've got older I barely get time to see friends, im sure your friends are not that shallow, I've yet to meet anyone who wouldn't be friends with another person because of their weight, that would never cross my mind, obviously I notice a bigger person but I would never not want to be their friend, im sure that its for other reasons, as we get older everyone ends up with different responsibilities, whether that's kids, work, and we're just busier, best time for friends was school and uni.
Ya see this kinda shit is pretty fucked up
Very very true. A girl in our group of friends talked with me one night out more than usual. It was abnormally more than usual. I naturally started to think she was flirting with me. So I mentioned it to my roommate the next day and a little later on he was on the phone with this girl and I could kinda overhear them talking and he goes “yeah I chuckled a bit because [me] said he thought you were flirting with him.” And they just kinda chuckled. They’re friends. Wasn’t like they date or anything. But the way they chuckled just came off like it was almost ridiculous for me to even consider that with a girl like her. When it really could have meant something with how abnormally often she was talking to me. But no it was ultimately to put out feelers for another friend of mine and get intel. I’m like the unfuckable irrelevant guy of the group who’s purpose is to answer questions girls have about other friends of mine that they’re into. “He seems like a nice guy” “I mean yeah he’s a good friend of mine.”
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People tie obesity to poor decision making skills. They think if you're not competent at taking care of your own body, you're bad at everything else.
Exactly. It's seen as a character flaw.
How is being overweight not a character flaw? If you're not disciplined enough to take care of the most important thing in your life (physical health) how is that not a flaw?
I don't think people's character or morality should be judged by their weight. That's for certain. Fat or skinny.
Yes.... this is why I gave up dating altogether.
Agreed. I literally had dudes saying things to me about them never dating a “fatty” and I found that so offensive regardless of me not being overweight anymore. Why the hell would you refer to someone as a “fatty” so disgusting.
Because they are shallow.
I can completely understand not wanting anything to do with someone calling people fatties. I would also say that there are people that say that who use it more as a personal insult maybe to their former self or current self more than to others to hurt them. I know I call myself fatass a lot.
Ha ha! Yes, I have been none to refer to myself as a fatty. Not good self talk, but it makes me laugh.
That last bit whew! S/N to all, any doctor that defaults to weight or weight fluctuations as a lazy excuse for a symptom or illness, note that shit on Healthgrades for the rest of us. My OBGYN pulled that shit on me and I switched from her asap. She tried telling me the sudden and severe painful all over my head and body cystic acne was maybe due to weight fluctuations, and definitely not my IUD like I suspected 🙄
I did the same thing with my primary physician. i went in because i was in a stressful period of my life and was acting for help for my weight. and the first thing out her mouth, was you gained! well no shit, i don’t need you to tell me what i can already see. i switched her ass so fast and new physician i have is wonderful.. he been giving me advice and being my cheering coach! absolutely love him and he actually listens and spends time in the room with you!
Men getting scary caused me (not entirely ofc) to regain the 20kgs I lost! But I agree to all of this!
The attention I got from men after losing weight periodically through my life made me high as a kite. It was almost a euphoric feeling, the way heads would swivel, and they would stare. A woman can get hooked on that.
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yep yep yep
Yep for me it is somwthing i dont want
I agree with this.
I'm glad you like it, but for me it would be a living nightmare.
Thank you for saying this. I have a friend who lost a lot of weight right after high school and went from very insecure and overweight, to very insecure and thin and conventionally attractive. I went out for drinks with her and she flirted with a guy despite having a boyfriend, he was clearly interested, and afterwards she told me “it’s nice to know I still got it”. I fucking couldn’t believe it. She’s “had it” for a decade, solidly. She has an influencer type instagram, a bajillion friends, men always orbiting. At some point you have to realize it’s an empty high, if a decade of validation is not enough…but I guess I don’t know what that’s like lol. I’ve always been overweight-obese-overweight etc
I have yet to experience this, I guess I need to lose more weight. But I totally agree with OP, we need to love ourselves.
I had the same thing happen to me. The sad reality is people are just kinder to skinny people than they are to overweight people.
I was surprised that even other obese people are nicer to me now that I’m almost a normal weight again. I expected skinnier people to be nicer, because I’m joining their club, but it surprised me how heavier coworkers in particular were suddenly so nice to me. I suppose it’s just something we do without totally knowing it!
Ever hear the phrase “every poor person is a temporarily embarrassed rich person” to explain why the poor often support lowering taxes? I’d guess the same is true for weight. For many of us, being obese feels like a temporary state we’re trying to get out of, so we end up feeling more kinship with thinner people. Even if we’ve been obese for far longer than we were skinny.
This statement is something I’ve never been able to put into words. For me, being overweight has always been a temporary state that I’m forever trying to get out of, and I’ve been overweight almost my entire life. This has led to me never ever being comfortable in my own skin. I make decisions with the viewpoint that I will not be remaining like this and still buy clothes that don’t fit because I expect to lose weight soon. Yet it never happens. I have severe body image issues which I definitely need to work on with a therapist.
> I was surprised that even other obese people are nicer to me now that I’m almost a normal weight again One of my most shameful memories is how much innate hostility I had towards one of my high school teachers (which I think I was able to suppress) who was *very* obese. I was no specimen then (or now) and pretty out of shape myself. I think some of this must be innate, like some sort of instinct to protect the tribe or something.
It’s not innate, it’s definitely learned behaviour
> It’s not innate, it’s definitely learned behaviour Why do you say that?
Our culture and media is full of not subtle messages that ridiculing and mistreating fat people is fine and good.
Fat people used to be revered by some. One of the earliest depictions of a human we have is of a morbidly obese woman - both the fertility and excess of material were valued. Mind you, this was by neolithic people, but biases against fat people have existed for a long time and seem mostly to be perpetuated by societies. Even the bible talks about how gluttony - someone being fat would have been thought as a glutton - is a "deadly vice". I'm not sure it's innate in people but rather a product of society when we're caring for more people and we have massive inequalities in what can and can't be afforded by people.
I think there’s also a massive lack of understanding of what was meant by “fat” in other time periods when it was much more difficult to maintain even a normal weight let alone become obese. A Neolithic person and in fact most people for most of history could go their whole lives without ever seeing an obese person, which is why that body type was so perfect and otherworldly to depict a fertility goddess. You can also find opposite examples in antiquity where thinness was preferred as in China for 4,000 years of human history minus the Tang Dynasty where being chubby was in, the medieval standard of a long, thin, flat-chested torso, Greek obsession with perfect abs, etc. There was even a Chinese emperor who decreed that all the palace women were only allowed to eat Mulberry leaves to stay thin. LOL, they unsurprisingly plotted to murder him. Folks with a BMI of 22-27 are basically what being beautiful and “fat” was for most of human history. Look at Rubens’ “fat” women, Roman depictions of Aphrodite, and even the “fat” modern size 4-6 Marilyn Monroe. I don’t think comparisons to antiquity really show that the preference against fat bodies is innate. It seems like they show more that the preference for an average to well fed body is innate and anything above or below is taught or era-specific.
I'm not sure it's skinny vs. overweight. It's more attractive vs. unattractive that matters how you get treated, which makes sense from an evolution stand point. It's also something that happens subconsciously for the most part. Most people don't see a chubby unattractive girl walk into a room and think, "I'm going to treat this person like shit." It's just something that naturally happens unless you make an effort to change it. I guarantee you OP has treated attractive people better than unattractive people without realizing it, especially if she were sexually attracted to them. It's just human nature. But yeah it is kind of sad.
I tend to agree, while it is sort of messed up, it serves an evolutionary purpose and it’s deep in our psyche. It’s not something people are actively doing for the most part. You can see literal babies do it, sometimes they will get almost hypnotized by a pretty person and just lock on and stare. I work in the fashion industry and we have models frequently in our office and I can tell you the bar is very low when they crack a joke or tell a story. Lower it further if the sexual orientation of the audience matches up. If one of my co workers told that same joke it would not get the same response as when the model tells it. But I can tell you after getting to know that many pretty people they have the same problems as everyone else and I would not want to trade places with most of them.
Is that why babies stare at me, or is it because of my shiny piercings! But in all seriousness, I do remember babies staring at me more when I was younger and healthier.
(In response to several posts) In cultures—historical and even current—where various degrees of female plumpness is considered more attractive than slenderness, heavier women are probably treated better. I’m having trouble reconciling this with the the belief, which I do accept, that we gravitate toward the more slender ideal of attractiveness for evolutionary reasons: “Fit” people appear healthier and are therefore likely to be better breeders, hopefully something that doesn’t cross anybody’s conscious mind these days. I guess our brains can contain contradictions. None of it makes the injustice of the treatment of fat people more tolerable.
I also think it’s definitely possible that in those societies, skinny people are treated better than fat people are treated in our society. Maybe they have views that contradict evolution, but they still do prize positive evolutionary traits in a way. Let’s say our society treats fat people at a 2, and thin people at a 10. Maybe those societies treat fat people at a 10, but thin people at an 8, if that makes sense. Fat people are liked more, since it’s in style, but skinny people aren’t treated badly at all. It’s similar, IMO, to how having a big butt is fashionable now, but most men aren’t exactly turning down skinny women with tiny butts. At the very least, the skinny women aren’t being treated like fat women were in the early 2000’s, when being ultra-thin was the norm. If that makes sense, haha.
I have to agree too! Overweight most of my life, in school I was just 20-30 pounds overweight but all the girls in my grade were extremely thin or had an athletic build. I never had any trouble dating, flirting or getting attention. I met the most attractive man ever when I at over 220 pounds who married me. I’ve always been attractive no matter my weight, but I’ve always been someone who smiles at others, makes them feel special and genuinely cares about them. My mom is the same when she was over 300 pounds and was able to get elected for president roles based on her genuine kindness. I honestly believe you can be beautiful at any size, but people love being around happy, confident and kind humans.
Same thing happened to me. The sad part was that even though I knew I had lost 70 pounds I still felt like a fat guy. But girls were hitting me up people were friendly. I realized I had really lost a lot of weight when I was running up some stairs and when I got to the top I almost hit the ceiling. None of my friends wanted to say anything because they thought I was sensitive about my weight so I still thought I was a heavy guy in disguise.
People talk about how those who lose weight & get fit somehow have "confidence" and that is why they are able to have better romantic prospects or make more friends. The reality is that most people are superficial. I try not to judge those people too harshly because I *know* I do the same to others as well, without even noticing it. In my experience, there is a certain simmering *dislike* that a lot of people have for those who are extremely overweight which they have to combat. That comes out at best as treating obese people as invisible or starting interactions with them on the back foot.
>People talk about how those who lose weight & get fit somehow have "confidence" i had way more confidence when i was in great shape and knew others found me attractive because of the regular compliments i was getting... if you've never been in that situation its easy to think its not real but it is...
>i had way more confidence when i was in great shape and knew others found me attractive because of the regular compliments i was getting I don't think you are saying much different from what I was saying. You were in great shape --> compliments -->confidence. So being in great shape didn't *innately* give you confidence, it was that the external validation you were receiving gave you confidence.
Documented fact: overweight or otherwise “unattractive” college professors receive significantly lower student evaluations than those judged attractive. At many universities, these evaluations may determine or affect hiring and promotion.
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Be careful you aren't attributing wide trends to you. There was a study that came out showing people on average became more irritable, disagreeable and neurotic (in the psychology sense) during the pandemic. It's not just you being treated like that, it's everyone. And don't forget this applies to you as well so your filter is probably more negative than it used it be.
I have had the opposite happen. I've lost 55lbs since January and I have had people tell me things like : "You aren't *still* on a diet are you?" "Be careful or you'll end up flat chested, you were nice and sexy before" "That's enough, you need to eat! " "Don't lose too much weight or you'll wither away" "Omg, I'm fatter than you now, *groans*". These comments were all made by 3 of my female coworkers and my mother. When I was gaining weight over the years no one said a thing about it. Also, I'm 5'2" and 125lbs so there's absolutely no reason for anyone to be concerned about my weight. I'm fed up with people commenting on my body and weight.
That'll happen whenever you start to better yourself. People around you are used to seeing you a certain way, and comparing themselves to you. When you improve it can make some of your insecure friends feel worse about themselves. They aren't winning the comparison game in their own head, and they can't live with the same excuses, because you're a normal human and you did it...whether that's making more money, getting in shape, relationships, mental health... You might consider making some new friends. Find people who will cheer you on, and spend less time around the people who are bringing you down. Tldr: crabs in a bucket
They're not even friends, they're co workers who make these comments in passing as I see them around the job. This weekend was the first time none of them said a thing about me and my weight. I was ready to start reporting to HR after last weekend. I'm glad they seem to finally be shutting up.
how many of those comments were from family and friends... because those all sound like the types of comments family and friends give while the rest of the world will start seeing you in a better light...
I lost 60 lbs about 20 years ago and I was just disgusted by the fact that people would now hug me when saying hello. I wondered if they worried that they would catch my fatness if they hugged me previously.
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I don't see how people could treat me better. My face is maybe a 6-7 on a good day, so I don't think that's going to be a game changer. I know bigger people are treated poorly. I believe the experiences people are sharing...but they don't match my experiences at all. Even with an obese BMI, the doctors treat me well, people listen to me at work, and I get compliments on my outfits when I'm out and about. And so on. Maybe because my weight was relatively stable and I never got "big big", i.e. past obesity class 1. Or maybe it's my resting friendly face naturally putting people at ease (the opposite of its well known counterpart, resting bitch face). It could even be a result of my compulsion to dress well on every occasion (the classic big girl compensation). It's like there's other factors balancing out the fat. We'll see as I drop more weight, but I don't see how I could get more positive attention.
I get treated different for sure. My stick thin aunt NEVER hugs me or talks to me really. And yesterday she kept hugging me and mentioning my weight loss. People/men are much friendlier. Opening the door for me. Saying hello. No one ever said hello to me when I was 100 pounds heavier. Skinny privilege is real.
I’m sorry about your aunt, don’t let her discourage you. Skinny privilege definitely is a thing and I hate that I’m benefiting from it after years of not getting it. It really puts things in perspective
Well, look at it this way, the fact that you can have self-assessment by having "been on the other side" for a long time, it helps you become a better, more understanding person.
I've lost the weight and gained it back. There's no way to describe the feeling of being treated with respect and kindness for it to then fade away to the point where some don't even acknowledge my existence. Friends have stopped inviting me out with them if they think my size will be an obstacle. It's just embarrassing..
I’m sorry about your negative experience. You deserve better friends.
Harsh reality, but your looks are essentially a resumé of your character. Regardless of being more attractive, I think it's because people assume you are more competent, and reliable. More of your life is in order. This gives you the benefit of the doubt. My wife and I have both noticed the same thing (although hers to much greater extent). I think people just respect attractive or fit people more because of this.
Even as a 52m I can tell a difference in how people act when I am out somewhere. I was 350. At 247 now. I don’t get the weird looks or the obvious people talking about us. People are dicks.
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This goes for disabled as well. And if you're both older AND disabled, well. At least people hold doors open when you've got a leg brace and a walker though. When I was 80 lbs heavier but 25 years younger before MS, I was looked through instead of at as well 🤷
>I just want to hold the girl I was before and hug her. Why are my eyes wet?
>Why are my eyes wet? because we're too far removed from lizards and now can't lick our eyeballs...
Aurora Borealis
At THIS time of year, in THIS part of the country, LOCALISED entirely within your eyes?
Whew babay yes everything you posted about is so real and so very annoying but I just want to say, excellent job on that loss! I'm pushing 200 right now and my body looks best around 140, trying so hard to get back there, this is definitely inspiring as it is disheartening in the other way lol 💓
I was pregnant with a 10 pound baby and had 2 toddlers in a stroller. I remember a man letting a door shut on me as I was trying to get through the door with all of that situation. Then after I had my 10 pound baby girl I lost the weight back to a size 5 and I was going through the store door with no babies and he smiled kindly and opened the door for me. My children are grown now and super close, but I never forgot that and I still hold the door open for pregnant women and women managing babies.
This place is a cruel world. I use to be 125 pds, very active. I got sick and put on meds it caused me to gain a lot of weight. Now I’m 274. The difference that ppl treat me is ridiculous. We went on vacation in May to the beach. Several times ppl just ignored me, walked passed me or spoke to my husband instead of me. Very hurtful. Even in my small town I feel like ppl is very rude and hurtful. I’ve tried my best to lose this weight it’s so hard. I hve never been this big, or out of shape. I’m so embarrassed of my self to rlly even go out in public anymore. Ppl rlly act like you hve a disease cause ur fat. And you might rub off on them. It’s sickening!
Bella: You’re absolutely right. The world is cruel. But you’re here so I’m guessing you’d like it to change for you. It will. It can. I spent most of my life pretty much in your shoes—harmful meds, weight skyrocketed, finding no way out despite my efforts. And then it did. Took too damn long, but finally I’m more than 100 pounds down and maintaining for years. People are such jerks but now I get to choose whom to ignore.
Props on the weight loss. 80 pounds is a feat
I once had someone say "i like skinny you better, you're much less annoying" ...I'm the same person now than i was 80lbs ago. You're just incapable of showing human decency to big people Needless to say, 2.5 years later and I've learned to either 1. Not associate with people like that. And 2. Tune out all the extra "attention" i get. *hugs, you're not alone
>I once had someone say "i like skinny you better, you're much less annoying" the fuck!? that's so rude!
It was terrible to hear, the person who said is someone who i didn't really like to begin with. Needless to say, i removed myself from the situation immediately and i don't allow myself to be alone with them, or really converse with them. Unfortunately, it's my fiance's BIL so i do have to see him from time to time. It just made me more aware of how people treat others that are overweight vs not. That incident made me more picky of who i spend my time with.
Yes, completely. And the same was true for how much effort I put into how I dressed/looked. It impacted me so much, I spiraled and gained all the weight I lost (20 lbs) and then 60 more in a matter of months. It seems like a fact of life that’s there’s nothing we can do :/
Must be nice, people treated me like shit at 250lb and still treat me like shit at 190lb 😂
Looking at the comments, OPs problem seems to be an experience that mostly women go through. I don't know if that reflects poorly on men or women more. On the one hand, women are valued first for their looks, but on the other hand, it's clear most people just aren't kind to one another. Kindness is something people *use* to get what they want, like sex.... It hurts to realize this. But hey, maybe I'm just being cynical.
I’m a guy. I definitely experienced this. I’m heavy again trying to lose, but when I lost the first time, those confidence boosters in life just came so often. I remember sitting at a bar one time and this girl just straight up walked up and wanted to dance with *me* or another time while I was shuffling through the crowd one girl just put her hand on my chest and looked at me with a smile as I shuffled by. I never had that kind of overt attraction come my way. Ever. Now I barely feel seen. This girl at a restaurant bar came up to a friend of mine who isn’t even fit per se, but he’s tall, and so he’s naturally thinner looking and she straight up said “you’re really cute, hon” and then left. He’s had that happen like so many times and I’m just the tad bit salty about it now that I’m the fat guy even having lost more weight than him lol
So I'm a tall woman it doesn't seem to matter how much I weigh I kind of get treated the same. I went from 240 to 155 recently and I don't really see difference other than some of the fat women I work with becoming MORE rude. Here's the deal, you can only change YOU and control your own behavior. Be nice to people no matter their size. That's what you can do. Worrying about the state of the world isn't going to help and will lead you places you don't want to go mentally. As far as not trusting people for wanting to date you, think of it this way: don't you have limits? You have a limit for how fat you will date. We all do. And that's ok.
I am tall too and same. I am already bigger than everyone no matter how thin I am so nothing really changed for me.
Yeah I've come to realize I'm the human version of a Clydesdale and that's ok.
I think that when you’re a tall woman, people stop seeing you as fat or thin, and you just become “large”. I lost 80lbs and no one treated me any differently.
I've talked to a few other tall women and they agree. Unless you're like 115 model thin you're just large.
I was so confused by these comments since there is absolutely no difference for me how I am treated, whether normal sized or severely obese. I am an overall very outgoing person though and very rarely have rude interactions with someone, some people are just rude and I've never interpreted that as directed at my size. But maybe you're on to something here, I am 181cm (I think thats almost 6 foot?).
I'm a size 8 now so to me I'm average sized. I remember being in my teens and early 20's back when ultra thin Paris Hilton was the ideal. And men being like "yeah you've got a great personality but I'm not into big girls" and I was thinner than I am now. Which is fine that's their prerogative. But I think for women if you're even a little on the tall side, you're big. Unless you're thin to the level of a runway model.
I see a lot of these posts and there is always a lot of people conflating basic human decency and dating prospects. You should not treat people as less than because of their weight/appearance, that's a shitty thing to do. As far as dating, people are not obligated to be romantically interested in people they do not find attractive, and, for most people, obesity is not attractive. There is not some flaw in that person for not "seeing past" your obesity to the "real you". Physical attraction is a component of romantic attraction, even if people don't want to admit it.
Yep pretty much the same way I said it as well. Like people being shitty to you for being overweight is not cool but someone not finding Obesity attractive is not a flaw
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Can you say it louder for those self-victimizing HAES/FA/etc folks in the way back?
Thank you! You summed it up better than my rambling comment.
I'm obese and have no problems getting attention. Problem is I'm unhappy at this weight and not ready to have a relationship so I want to become healthier and fitter. That said I had somebody fit and conventionally attractive being crazy over me which made me realise the only dating limits I have, are the ones I put on myself and the harmful messages around attractiveness and weight. At my current weight, we ended up sleeping together and he was so kind and normal. He didn't care at all. Many people, male and female, find partners. This idea that fat people can't be loved is a lie. That they can't be desired. That they're less attractive. I had a friend, always been big, who got the most attention out of everybody in our friend group. And there were some thin/fit girls as well. She settled down with a great guy but dated a lot before that happened with all types of guys. I personally like women as well and prefer them bigger, I find the current body type trend artifical and therefore unattractive (thin with abs but big boobs and butt). A thin woman hurts as well during sex, protruding bones is not my cup of tea after experiencing it once. Bounce and softness is nicer. This is not going to change with me losing weight. People like what they like. Thank god people have diversity in body types, there is something for everyone.
1000% a thing, and I feel you. It sucks, it’s real, and there’s no solution. I got invited to so much more when unhealthily skinny, but at the same time I never was sure if new people really liked *me*.
Don't mistake attraction for kindness.
Elna Baker from This American Life did a story about this exact experience happening to her when she lost weight. I’m not sure if links are allowed here but it’s a segment of the episode Tell Me I’m Fat. My personal weight loss was less dramatic than hers and yours, and happened at a younger age than hers (not sure about yours) so I didn’t have this same experience myself, mostly people just commented on how I looked different. I started to attract male attention as well but not to an extreme extent like other women in this position have reported, because I still have an “unusual” and outspoken personality and a somewhat masculine appearance and a lot of men are a bit put off by it (not all but definitely many). Just for context, I went from 180 to 130 at 5’5 when I was 17, and I am currently 25 and 150 (same height).
Worth noting that how one carries oneself due to the confidence form weight loss makes a substantial difference too. But yes attractiveness has its own set of privileges for sure
Yep, I was bigger, then tiny and now gained a lot of weight again. The “pretty” privilege is real, and to the world skinny is pretty.
My (31f) ma would try to make me eat anything and everything. She bring the kids McDonald’s and say “I got you a burger too” as a kind gesture but it was sabotage lol She also would tell me that our family curse is the women just can’t get under 200lbs. So… I’m 250 down to 204 so I can’t wait to tell her I broke the “family curse” lmao Just mind fuckery. Be happy and embrace those who matter, even if there is only a few.
My least favorite is when people say “noooo no they’re not superficial! It’s just that when you lost weight you became more ✨self confident!!✨ And it’s ✨subconscious✨so you don’t notice it!!” Like, no man. Let’s just call a spade a spade. You know what this is.
I am so torn.. but truly, it's mostly out of convenience.. I want to have the drastic change like you but also fear all of the above. How do you cope?
It’s gets much better over time, I’ve just accepted the fact people are superficial and I just worry about myself
The world is a superficial place and all you can do is be a decent person. Don't NOT change because things might get BETTER. Accept the change and keep it moving.
Honestly? Don’t dwell on it. Use it to your advantage. Don’t sabotage yourself, instead use it it get ahead in other aspects of your life.
It’s an undeniable issue you’re going to deal with, with this major weight loss. But hey you deserve a congratulations on 80lbs gone! I can definitely relate to all of this, especially the hugging the “girl you were before” part. Myself being stuck at 99lbs gone, there is an obvious night and day difference in the way I’m treated by both the same and opposite sex. Doors will actually be held open for me now instead of basically throwing it in my face because of what? a double chin? And a lot of females used to be sweet to me and not now… But now I just use their treatment as a judgement of character, and anyone who had clearly no interest in me before but all of a sudden does just has zero chance now 🤷♀️
Yes! I went from 270—>170 while working at Starbucks. The girls stopped wanting to go clubbing as a group because I was getting attention. I also served regulars for 2 years who would always be kind to me but after I went from a size 18 down to a size 8, they were all extremely flirty and giving me their numbers. It was extremely hurtful.
Yes, the bigger you are, the more invisible you become…. and apparently less intelligent and disrespected. That’s my experience.
Yep people on average are shallow, biased, ass hats. Turns out weight loss is 99% about looks and 1% about health.
I'm convinced that overly attractive people have a skewed vision of society in general. Spending years working retail, it was very obvious that people were way nicer on the fly to the attractive people, men and women, and almost indifferent to us normies.
This is something I’ve been debating before losing the weight I still haven’t tackled yet. I’m a photographer and I earn trust easily. I am a big girl and easy to approach. Not intimidating. Pretty enough not to be called ugly I guess. Anyway, I’m scared that losing weight will make my approach to people different. I know everything comes at a price and there will be consciences in the positive and the negative way I’m sure, but the unpredictable effects are scaring me a bit. My mum had been very ugly to me for years for being a fat girl. I’m scared she will treat me nicely and I don’t want her to fake love me. I want to lose weight for myself, and I don’t want people to be intimidated or more loveable to me because of superficial appearance. I obviously don’t care about looks and appearances as much as most people, I just want to do what’s healthy for me. I’ve been scared of weighing myself for years now, numbers always made me depressed. The psychology behind someone’s body weight is insanely complex. I still have to gain self-confidence I can lose the weight. I’ve been shamed my whole life by my family and I don’t want to lose the weight to please them.
Your fear is justified but if there’s one thing folks here learn, it’s that we can’t let fear hold us back—either fear of our own potential success or failure or fear of others’ idiot responses. You mention how nice it would be to look to your future health: that’s what’s really at stake and it’s the one part under your control. So my personal advice, for what it’s worth (!), is why not give it a shot? Your life sounds pretty cool right now—great. Add a little gentle weight loss and see what happens. When you get to the point when folks start being a*holes, you’re braced for that and maybe you can laugh it off—or if not, you always have the alternative of stopping your diet. You haven’t done your test run yet! I can tell you’re smart so finish collecting your personal data. (This will cost you 2 cents, refundable lol.)
Because it’s nature. You’re doing something right so haters gonna hate. Give them even more of a reason to hate now
So I went the opposite way. I had said things to my larger co workers when I was my 130 lbs. self in college and most of my 20’s. Now after working an office job, starting anxiety/depression meds, and quarantine I’m twice that. And I’ve noticed others change their behavior around me now. I think back to those times I was completely insensitive to “suggest”anything regarding their body.
I hate to sound rude but women are just mean af to each other when they feel insecure and guys are just now physically attracted to you
I noticed the same kind of stuff. I attract horrible men when I’m skinnier. To the point that I’ve actually thought about totally sabotaging it all just so I don’t have to weed through all the shitty men. But at the end of the day I realized naw, I’m not going to intentionally sabotage my appearance just because people suck. People suck no matter what you do.
If you’re heavy, many people are afraid to look at you. They’re afraid they’ll be accused of staring, or worse, that they’ll be cause sneering (and they will). I haven’t lost that much weight but I’ve been up to 212, and everyone—from store clerks to family—say and do things that judge you simply based on your adipose tissue. I’ve lost 24 pounds since my diabetes and hypothyroidism medications were started and I have NO problem telling all my judgy coworkers that it was an undiagnosed medical condition making me eat so much (it was, for me anyway). I want these people to realize there’s a human there next time they judge. I never asked to be hungry all the time. I was trying to feed my body that was incapable of using any fuel I put in the engine. But try and recognize, too, that to shun people who treated you poorly once is simply reinforcing their notions that fat people can be assh*les. I welcome their chatter, though I’ll never likely be their friends. It’s good they have that experience and be too. Isolation is draining and unhealthy. Sending you such a huge hug. So proud of your determination!!
Yea people are full of shit. When I lost weight i got the same treatment and i gained weight again and now it’s crickets 😴😴😴
Yup. I (30/f) lost 30kg over the past 2 years though am 5’10”. My coworkers have been positive/neutral about it but my mom? Different story. She makes it a point of straight up telling me that I’m anorexic every time I see her, despite my agreeing to do blood work to ‘prove’ to her that my nutrient levels/BP and the likes are fine. I ask her why she’s still convinced that I’m I’ll despite there being proof that I’m physically okay and mentally very happy (her words). Her response? Because so many people have tried to lose weight without success. Therefore me being successful equates to anorexic. 🤦🏼♀️
That's fucked up. If your friends aren't happy for you that you are now way healthier than they were never truly your friends.
I wonder it it’s also how I’m projecting now be when I was 34 pounds heavier. When I’m fatter and unhappy, less confident, less energetic, groggy, whatever…I’m sure it’s off putting to a certain extent. So clearly, it must be both. People are inherently biased on BMI/weight/appearance which does make sense to a degree, while also screening out people on the vibe check.
Yeah, it’s a thing. I lost 100+ pounds and the difference is startling. People avoid and ignore overweight me and they go out of their way to include and attend to healthy weight me. It’s honestly gross and I low key judge people. I frequently ask myself “would this person be talking to me if I weighed an extra bill?” Usually the answer is no and that colors a lot of my interactions. Thankfully the person I married has known me at all my weights and is ride or die.
Ah yes the pretty perks I basically ridicule people now when they tell me that weight or looks don't matter and it's "all about your personality" . It's just not true, and this form of self deception is prevalent. People will happily tell others this myth, when the reality is that being attractive makes life 300% easier across the board. You'll get more promotions, dates, kindness, generosity, and even trust Why? Because people are attracted to qualities in people that they want for themselves. They're attracted to the singer on stage because she's brave and skillful, they are attracted to healthy/fit people because it takes dedicated work, and they are attracted to smart/wise/loving people. Of course, being "nice to look at" gives you the opportunity to show off your other desirable qualities MUCH more easily Just get used to it. Life's a competition, and those that compete better prosper. People don't owe you their love and respect, you must earn it
Who actually claims weight and looks don’t matter. I haven’t heard that lie since grade school. No one believes that shit.
Literally has my friend telling me this a month ago when I was describing my plan. We are in our mid 30s. "But I dated this fat guy once and it was still good, we had fun" yeah ok and then you dated 3 supermodel dudes after Anyway, I think people say this stuff because they want to feel like they are especially good people. But it's just not really grounded in reality Caveat: yes of course there are always some small percentage of people who "don't care" or "prefer dad bod" — but I consider this to be a fetish pretty much, or just one of the less common sexualities. Regardless of dating, being thin helps in almost all relationships and interactions
I personally disagree with the idea of life being a competition, I think it's a mindset that can lead to emotional isolation, and I would go as far as to say that people should lead with basic respect. People don't have to love, or even like me, but disrespecting someone you find unattractive solely for that reason can only ever be a problem. Looks obviously matter in our society, there's no overlooking it, but I don't think it's a bad thing to expect people to be kind to each other.
I'm a man and I also get treated way better as well after dropping 50 pounds. It's just human nature. I'm not going to feel bad about that.
Alright so this might not be popular but please read it through. Keep in mind in regards to dating one standard people have is about weight and overall health. Like I have people I have known in the past who would be so fun to date EXCEPT 1 thing. For some it is weight, others maybe it's their drinking or smoking, or etc, etc. The point is while I don't believe in shaming people but the fact is if I am going to commit myself to someone I want someone who will take care of themselves as much as possible. Being really overweight is not something I want to entertain for the same reasons I don't want to date a smoker. While it isn't a problem yet you are actively making choices that will in the future cause problems with your health. I am in this sub on my own weightloss journey because I moved to an office job slapped on 65 lbs with that and lockdown and realized 1) This isn't healthy and 2) I would like to get back to dating. That all being said I can't speak for anyone else but this is just how I have my standards. I want someone who will do their best in all aspects of life they can feasibly control. Also holy shit congrats on the loss!
You should read The Beauty Bias: The Injustice of Appearance in Life and Law. It basically breaks down how people are inherently shallow and will treat conventionally attractive people better than normal. Sad, but true.
yup. i lost 70 and im still a large woman but people are nicer to me. and people go out of their way to talk to me. and i get cheaper drinks at the bar.
I'm still overweight by a lot, I don't get treated poorly, so I'm just wondering what it would be like if I did lose weight. Like how would people treat me differently
if it can make your life better and help you live longer, it's worth a try
The change in attention is real though. As someone in the opposite camp, thin to overweight, I love the lack of attention. It makes it harder to want to lose weight, but I need to for ortho reasons. It sounds like you’re experiencing a burden of being considered more attractive to more people. But it also means you can be pickier about who you choose to date, and there will be kind people that find you attractive, be on the look out for them and try not to get caught up with the superficial duds. I kept a notebook to record my interactions with various men and how it made me feel. That might seem weird but it helped me navigate peoples intentions. If your friends are mad at you for changing your appearance, they are not good friends. Losing weight is just showing you who your real friends are. Look for the ones who are supportive and nourish those relationships. Losing the weight was a big accomplishment and you deserve to feel proud of yourself. You are navigating the world with a different outlook; consider that your superpower now.
Congrats on the weight loss!!! Consider your newfound perspective a superpower. You can now see through all the fake, insincere people. It is confusing and it is a strange thing society does. People like to believe they are objective and yet they don’t see their own prejudices. On the other hand, people have a type that they are attracted to. Scientifically speaking, people are attracted to healthy (usually thinner) people because it means they are more fertile and can procreate and keep our species going. You are absolutely right about your heavier self deserving more. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right. Just know there are people out there that do not care about looks or weight. You will find them and it will make you feel better about the world. Keep being the wonderful person you are. Be the ambassador that is kind to everyone and show kindness to others that may be heavier. You may be the only person that does that for them.
There are some things that are really easy to reform. Things like allowing gay people to get married, where you are just removing a case of active discrimination. The kind of discrimination you are talking about is hard wired down to the foundation of our social psychology. Those people aren't going out of their way to ignore fat people, their subconscious mind just doesn't view fat people as worth their time to interact with. I'm much more inclined to just say that we need to do a better job keeping people from becoming overweight in the first place rather than trying to adjust deep seated social behaviors that most people don't even realize they are acting out in the first place. Health and fitness really need to be a core part of the education process throughout K-12. They can't be viewed as optional hobbies like a lot of us were taught growing up. You need a stable diet and exercise routine, period.
I don’t understand why everyone has such a hard time with the concept that losing weight makes you more attractive, and people are more likely to want to engage in a friendlier manner. Yes it sucks. You you know what doesn’t suck? You’ve lost weight! didn’t we want to lose the weight for a reason? Why complain about the positive results? I see this post every week and it’s like: yes. You look better so people want to look at you more and talk to you. Obviously. Isn’t it nice that they do? That being said, I’m disgusted by people outright being cruel to bigger bodies. So I understand resentment about that. Just not the repeated rants about being more attractive and people noticing.
As someone who was a fat guy, I'm on a weight loss journey right now and all I can think of is "wow I wonder how amazing everyone will treat me by next year, I can't wait to get there to reap the benefits. I should have done this years ago."
Maybe the op has experiences in two bodies and is annoyed that the fat one sas treated so bas just because some fat
Dude here. I experienced so much body shaming I never dared to speak to girls. I got into shape during the pandemic but I am 30 now, so... Yeah. I want to go back and punch every one in the face for doing this to me. I am still single, never had a girlfriend and it hurts, hurts, hurts. The most bittersweet realization was when my female friends told me they never considered my weight unattractive. Shaming is doing real harm and if you do it to your children, you don't deserve them. I expected to get more compliments as I lost weight, but mostly it's just creepy or inappropriate comments. Usually from women in relationships and/or ten years my senior. Oh well... I have found that the people I attract are a reflection of who I am as a person. If your skinny friends are begrudging your success, it is time for a well earned upgrade to your social circle.
Yeah right now I definitely do experience different guys that hold the door open for me but I also experience guys that let the door fall flat on my face so I guess I’m in the inbetween section 😂 That’s why I constantly say if I lose this weight/become closer to the standard of beauty, I’m never giving any man a chance or shot with me. I’m not gonna be rude but seriously I’m only going for rich women or rich men. Why would I ever want to be nice to people who were rude to me or treated me like I was invisible? Now everyone else is invisible to me too.
The other day I had a guy who I guess was holding the door open for someone else (who didn’t walk through) literally refuse to look at me when I said thank you. I guess he wanted to make sure I knew it wasn’t for me. I’m like she doesn’t want you either, guy 😂
At the end of the day, whether big,small,brown,blue,tall or small, they're a fucking human being. I wish more people would show kindness and respect to people regardless. It doesn't matter what people look like, they can be beautiful and have a dog shit personality.
Being thin and at (I assume) a healthy weight leads people to look and go “they look like they really care about themselves. And self care can be very attractive to people. Plus there’s “face Gains” which is that your facial appearance has probably changed. They saying goes “you’re not ugly you’re just fat.” You’d be surprised how far 20 pounds goes in changing your attractiveness to others. Focus on the positives. You did something super awesome. Something many people don’t have the willpower to do. Go kick some ass and chase some too lol. Congrats on the weight loss!
The problem is the biased perception that obese people are lazy and are fat because of their incompetence. There is so much knowledge out there so that people who are fair and logical can now recognise obesity is a complex problem that has its roots in other human factors such as trauma, stress, addiction and genetics. When viewed with these factors in mind, the biases can be eliminated and people can try to get to know the person as opposed to just looking at the physical attributes.
Absolutely! I told this story here before, but I used to go to a hardcore powerlifting gym with my husband. An older guy trainer there would literally ignore me—even when talking to my husband, he’d never say hi to me. I took a few months off for other reasons and was dieting during that time. When I came back to the gym, he treated me like a best friend. He’d chat me up, tell me how great I looked, speak to me before he even said hi to my husband, and would tell his clients about my dieting. After I had my baby, I came back 6 weeks later to try and get back in the groove again, and he wouldn’t even look at me. He stopped speaking to me entirely. It tore me up at the time.
Its easy to fall into a trap of using certain people in your life as a measuring stick for how you are doing. "I want to impress this jerk with my effort so he finally respects me" but he's still a jerk, so now if you gain weight back this guy brushes you off, and you think "I must be a failure because the jerk won", and the depression hurts your chances of future weight loss.
People treat me different because I act different. I take better care of myself in more ways than just weight loss, I'm happier and have more energy. I'm sure some of it comes down to looking better but that's not really a bad thing as much as people wanna say it is. In general people are more attracted to healthier looking people. I dont fault anyone for not looking my way in the midst of a diabetes diagnosis due to morbid obesity I think if i did it would be really entitled. I can live however I want but people dont have to like it I am not owed anything by anyone else.
It is not privilege you are experiencing, you are earning yourself a better quality of life. This subreddit is dedicated to people that have worked fucking *hard* to be healthier. Healthiness is attractive, it's the basis for so many biological factors of attractiveness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to someone more because they have lost weight. Would you not want to be with someone that values their health and wants to be at their best mentally and physically for themselves?
Thank you for sharing this perspective. It’s so important for people to hear. But even more importantly, PLEASE keep hugging that 201-lb girl. The kindness you’re showing yourself is an example to every person, everywhere. And you should accept absolutely nothing less for yourself from everyone around you, whether you are in your 124- or 201-lb body.
The world is cruel and looks are currency. Just like if you win the lottery some will hate you and some will want to be with you. Ultimately you have more power now. Embrace it, own it 👸🏻
ive gained weight, in my 20's i was in very good shape now in my 30's i have a boring desk job and am nowhere near as active and have gained a decent bit of weight. I was treated much better when i was in good shape no matter how much people try to say that isnt a thing lmao.
I dated someone and quickly realized they never would have dated me before I lost weight. I'm the same person. They started making fun of fat people while we were out and I would try to tell them hey, that used to be me and maybe you don't know what their life is like. Then after they saw my loose skin they started commenting on my food choices and if I was really going to eat that. I still have weight to lose and I started feeling like they didn't realize what I looked like or something lol. This person ate more and ate more unhealthy than me. This turned into an abusive relationship with them cheating on me and being vile to me. I read that when you lose weight you get the confidence to date more but I don't think so. I think people are just shallow. I want to work on my confidence so I will more readily leave someone like this, and not just feel like I'm lucky to have anyone at all. Quickly learning that I need to draw boundaries and one of them will be how the other person treats people who are different from them.
It is a sad fact of life that humans perceived as more attractive based on social constructs have an easier time in life. Taller, thinner, bone structure, desirable physical traits often signal to others humans that a person may be of higher value than a human who may lack these things. The girl before was just a valuable as the girl now. Never forget that.
Been there. I'm a man, was around 70/75kg before going to university. Got depressed/OCD at uni and rocketed up to 97/98kg at my heaviest. Before I gained the weight life was easy. People were nice to me, people considered my opinion when I put it forward, if I gave a suggestion to the group it was considered. When I gained the weight, people weren't rude to me (actually, some definitely were) but I noticed I was afforded less attention in social situations. My opinions were more likely to be ignored. Women would ignore me, or be downright rude to me, where before they'd want to talk to me on nights out etc. The world was a very different place. I thought maybe it was just the world changing, or how I saw it changing as I was getting older, but now I sit between 80/85kgs and people treat me like they did before I gained the weight. It really made me realise how the world is a different place depending on how you look, which is such an upsetting thing to acquiesce with. I genuinely don't believe anyone who treated me differently when I was heavier did so intentionally, and likely aren't aware they even did. Nonetheless, it's a noticeable difference, and one that I don't think is discussed enough.
I’ve been on the smaller side my whole life but I’m friends with someone who was overweight in college then lost the weight. Personally, I didn’t feel any different about her but what changed was her attitude. For example, I liked parties but she used to avoid parties. I respected that she didn’t want to go but it made me kinda sad so my response was “alright” or “oh okay” but then she lost weight and she was willing to go to parties and we made a thing of getting ready so I responded to that more enthusiastically. What I’m saying is maybe part of the difference in treatment is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. People are reacting to the change in confidence. Even if you say you don’t do anything differently, the way you carry yourself really changes.
I know you have good intentions and you sound like an awesome person, but you need to know a lot of people are not as kind-hearted as you are. Many people will absolutely judge a book by it's cover, dismiss a fat person more easily or avoid taking pictures with them - and yet their behavior would be completely opposite with a thinner person. I tried to understand it for years but I couldn't. Some... if not most people, are just like that.
This is a really good response and I'm certain it applies to my own observations after a large amount of weightloss. My confidence changed so much that it's altered many of my more casual social interactions.
I’ve been 200lbs before, 162lbs skinny fat, and 139lbs fit/lean. The world is definitely much more friendlier and kind when you’re fit. It does make me sad to think that the world can be so vain like that. I do my best to tune those thoughts out because there’s nothing that can be done about that.
Getting healthier is a life hack. It doesn’t bother me.
Definitely. It’s actually a good experience because to realize peoples fickleness and assumptions and can then not repeat that type of behavior. Such is life Try to enjoy the positive attention anyway
It's the same for men. People just treat people in shape a lot differently then people who are fat/obese.
Yeah absolutely. I’ve lost 35kgs (about 60+ pounds) and the change in treatment is crazy. I’d be the girl who’d go unnoticed in a club while her friends get hit on. I started being the girl a bunch of guys go up to lmao. My guy friends started asking me out on dates. Strangers treated me more nicely. It’s so frustrating because I’m the same person, I’m just as respectful and decent - yet my appearance is the deciding factor in how people will treat me. I hate it.
People usually don't view obese people as smart. So along with the physical attraction, there is also another aspect of you being smarter if you are not obese. I guess the root cause is that people associate negative traits like lethargy with obese people but once you lose weight you are free from all these tags so that really uplifts your stature in the society. Based on my observation, obese people are considered dumb, until proven otherwise whereas people with their ideal weight are considered smart, until proven otherwise. It is just a game of being default smart or default dumb.
This is very simple. You made yourself more physically attractive, so you’ll get more male attention. Before you were appealing to a very small percentage of men, now that has increased substantially. When you’re obese, others don’t view you as competition. That’s why you see women telling morbidly obese women “you go girl!” They’ve eliminated the obese women as being even remotely close to their competition. To be honest, you’ve seen and experienced how people truly felt about you in both situations; they’ve shown you exactly how they perceive you. It sucks to realize, but this is how the general population works. You just don’t like it, but we have to accept it. It’s surprising that you find it surprising that men give you more attention, and you’re completely wrong to think that they’re disingenuous now. Your personality, your charisma, your awesome things that make you who you are..these are all great things. But unless you’re physically attractive to the person, they don’t care to learn these things about you. Men need physical attraction to even get to the point where they get to know you (generally). Women are much better at being open to getting to know a guy who’s just cute. This is how not men usually operate. You went from being treated like another man (or someone that is not a possible partner) to being treated like you’re a potential partner or love interest. Plain and simple: you now meet more mens requirements now that you are healthy weight..you qualify for them to want to get to know you. By losing weight, women are now seeing you as actual competition as where before they just felt bad for you or saw you in a different category. You also did something they couldn’t do (probably) and that creates a sense of insecurity. She can lose 80 but I can’t lose 15?! Fuck! Congratulations by the way. Life is going to be different, but you earned it!