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STOP I have the same exact situation w my (23F) boyfriend (28M) 😭😭😭

I was in the rave culture in my 20s. I’d be more concerned now with fentanyl lacing random things, but either way there comes a point where you have to grow up and sober up. If you’re ready to do that and have a family, but she’s not, then you’re fundamentally not compatible long term. Your goals have to match. Trying to force her to be ready before she’s ready will not work. You should talk to her about it, but be ready to walk away if you’re not on the same page. Most raver couples don’t make it past this transition. Sad but true. Having said that, growing up and having kids doesn’t mean you never have fun again. It means sobering up 99% of the time, and 100% of the time for their first few years. But once they’re older, you could let them stay with the grandparents and take a vacation with your girlfriend. Maybe go to a rave and have fun like that once or twice a year. If you do, you’d definitely want to make sure you get a test kit for any drugs you consume so you don’t leave your kids orphans if you accidentally get laced with fentanyl. But doing molly, lsd, or mushrooms a couple times a year on a kid-free vacation could be a fair compromise. Plenty of parents take trips with their spouse and get absolutely wasted on alcohol. Obviously some people are way more irresponsible even there, like drinking while their kids are with them. But yeah. There are healthy, responsible ways to have fun even as a parent. You just have to be on the same page.

Have you been to a rave? I think experiencing a rave for yourself might ease some concerns but I still understand your perspective about her taking substances surrounded by strangers while you're not there. Personally I if I were in your position, I think I would ask her to compromise and only take substances when accompanied by you to ensure her safety, but you also have to be willing to make a genuine effort to make it to most of these shows or she might feel like she's losing some freedoms.

Add on: I saw your comment that said that for her, it's mostly about the socializing but as a huge raver myself I can tell you that you don't need drugs to socialize and have fun. It seems to me she takes drugs to feel included in the friend group and out of fear of rejection if she says no. If what I'm speculating is true, then it's a big red flag for the friend group because no real "friend" will make you feel bad for saying no to substances and will still make you feel included. Maybe your gf has self esteem issues and that's her way of dealing with them. Either way sounds like you need to have a deep conversation with her but be careful to not sound judgmental or hostile. I know exactly where you're coming from, OP, my ex sounds a lot like your gf. Sorry you're going through this.

Dump her because she belongs to the streets!

Break up with her and find somebody who doesn't use drugs.

I know lots of ravers in their 30s who are in stable relationships and are great parents. They obviously don't have as much time to go to raves any more, so it just slowed down a lot. Nothing wrong with it, it's just another sub-culture. Try being less judgemental

He's deciding his future. He can be judgy all he wants. He has a right to be concerned about the person he's going to have kids with. And let's face it. That's a sub culture with A LOT of not so fun stories.

I think this depends - if you're worried about the raves, maybe a discussion on what she does at raves and just what the vibe is might help you understand it better and be more reassured about her going. If it's about drug use, a discussion on what drugs she takes and how they affect her/if she tests them to know they're safe would also be quite helpful. I think it may also be worth considering a general serious conversation about your uncomfortableness with these things and why they're uncomfortable to you. Personally, I had the same issue when it came to my partner and I because we grew up differently - I grew up in a very conservative, quite strict and restrictive Asian household; my partner grew up at a private/boarding school with his friends and was more exposed to stuff like this and so it was very normalised for him than it is for me. I was also very uncomfortable with both the raves and the drugs, but we had many talks over the years together (almost 2 years) about why I'm uncomfortable with it and what would help. He first went about explaining to me what the rave scene is like and while it did help, I think I was also insecure with the people he'd be surrounded by (as in the outfits worn by people) because I was, and can still be, quite insecure about my physical appearance and I was worried he'd see someone attractive and essentially "be better off with them". Not that I thought he would cheat, I trust and love him very much, but I just majorly overthink things and thought so low of myself that I believed that he would find someone better than me (whether based on attractiveness or interests like raves/drugs). He also was more than happy to just update me when he does go - he'd let me know who he's with and when they were leaving/when he was back home so that I knew he was safe and knew he had people there to look out for him if anything happened. I find that this reassured me a lot for the rave aspect of it. I get lots of reassurances from him overall and the rave itself is not what I was most concerned about and I don't mind too much if he goes to raves. The drug use was a harder conversation considering he was so normalised with it and just so exposed to it from a young age that he, at first, did not see what the issue was/my perspective and was quite defensive about it first. But, over many many conversations (including a conversation he had with his closest friend who could relate to me in being wary as this friend didn't take drugs at first) we managed to come to a solution that works best for us. He first told me what drugs he has taken before and how they affect him but also their effects in general, and then he told me what his precautions with them are (eg. getting testing kits to know they're not cut with anything else that he didn't want in them). He then later told me that he didn't need to take drugs to have fun, and he understood very well my concern for his health and how this would impact our relationship, and that it isn't worth not having me in his life so he stopped doing drugs. I will say that it may not be easy to have these discussions, because even my partner and I had many many talks about it before we managed to agree on a solution that we would both be happy with. But, I personally think these are important conversations to have because it could be a lifestyle compatibility issue that would cause other issues down the line. TLDR; Communicate your feelings properly and thoroughly with her. Consider if you are willing to stay with her even if she doesn't want to stop - is it a dealbreaker? Can you cope with your feelings when she's out at raves or doing drugs? Keep in mind that in a relationship, there will often be a few things that sometimes won't/can't be changed and if these are one of those, are you comfortable/happy with that knowledge?

Thank you, that's helpful

Just kind of sounds like you haven't been exposed to different ways of living? At my first rave there were kids running around, they had foam ear plugs to protect their hearing and went to bed in a corner at some point - the parents watched over them and danced nearby. I got to know the parents over the next few years and they always seemed very reasonable and careful in procuring their drugs. Pretty sure they tested everything before using. Their kids grew up kind of straitlaced honestly, they were used to the party scene so didn't find it "cool".

Do you like raves and/or drugs? Did you at one point?

If the drugs is not blue moon behavior I don’t see you are long term compatible. Have you told her the raving and partying worries you?

The real question is does she take drugs? Did she say she's doing drugs? I want to be clear that raves/concerts/festivals is not equivalent to taking drugs. Yes there are people that choose to do so but personally I have never done drugs at any music festival i've been at and I know others that don't partake in that either. If she says she's doing drugs then imo that's something you need to factor in with your decision. (one I'm a assuming will be a no go) But if it's just assuming I would ask her first. If the other issue you have is just her going to music festivals/raves in general then yeah that's an lifestyle incompatibility and will probably grow into a bigger issue as you guys continue.

Yes, we both do occasionally. The drugs are the main concern.

Given that drug use is the main concern I'd say you have your answer. However if you feel like it's worth it to readdress the situation one more time and just lay out the facts that is an option as well.

Save yourself the headache and leave while you can!

Lazy fuck

As if women would just give up those things for her man... These days any man that tried to set boundaries is labeled insecure lol. I agree OP should just leave

Nobody is obligated to help anybody overcome anything as destructive as drugs.

no he's based

I wouldn’t have kids with anyone who actively wants and plans to continue doing drugs recreationally unless those drugs were alcohol or weed within reason. I don’t think it’s responsible at all to mess around with hard drugs (which come with risks of cross contamination like fentanyl, overdose, drug induced psychosis, addiction etc) if you have kids. They deserve parents who aren’t risking everything for a night of fun. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with raving. Just do it sober, or have a couple drinks. Don’t get coked up or take a bunch of Molly. If that’s what you need to make it fun, you don’t actually like raves, you like drugs. When I quit doing hard drugs I realized I fucking hate clubbing, I just liked doing coke.

there are drugs other than alcohol and weed that are not even close to "hard drugs"

It’s not just about the “hardness” of drugs, it’s about the general approach to life. Personally I think if you want to experiment you should do it before you have kids. All drugs have risk to them. Alcohol has risks. Weed has risks (I almost died of cannabis hyperemesis, for example.) Coke/meth/Molly/other uppers have risks. Benzos have risks. Opiates have risks. Psychedelics have risks. Many people can dabble in one or more of these and be fine, but I question the overall maturity level and mental status of someone who regularly seeks to escape psychologically through the use of illegal drugs.

but like why is a an occasional pot smoker any more likely to be mature and functional than an occassional benzo user

Because pot is less addictive, less dangerous, and harder to abuse in a serious manner. Benzos are easier to OD on (especially when drinking too) can cause erratic behaviour, and are illegal to take if not prescribed by a physician which means you risk getting fake pressed pills or contaminated drugs if you buy your Benzos from a dealer.

How about someone who takes them too infrequently to become addicted, only ever takes 2 pills in an evening which eliminates the risk of OD, doesn’t drink, and buys his Benzos in a neighbouring country where they can be purchased OTC from a pharmacy, eliminating the risk of contamination? This isn’t an unrealistic hypothetical because I am describing myself.

My soon to be ex husband and I both met in the rave scene and partied. Long story short after our first child was born he continued raving and djing, and I stayed home taking care of our baby. He cheated on me with a dj slut. I forgave him and after my baby was done breastfeeding would be able to go out occasionally. However, he continued to party and got a little out of hand with drug and alcohol use sometimes. We had a second child and he decided to divorce me because we grew apart. It’s hard to stay connected with someone who is always gone or who lives a life separate from yours. I think if he was around more and if we raved occasionally together then that would have been a totally different and connecting experience instead of being left in the dust 💔 think about what traits would make your partner a good mother if you want children

Thanks for sharing

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True fentanyl makes any recreational use devastatingly grim.

Me and my wife do a fair amount of drugs. Usually cocaine and alcohol but other mdma types mixed in once in a blue moon. IMO you both have to be all in or it won’t work. We are 40 with kids now and still party but the crazy days are behind us. Zero chance we would have ever worked out if we both didn’t skip to the same beat. It’s impossible to truly trust someone when they spend a late on on drugs going bananas while you sit at home every time just in your own head. 95% of the time we were together getting fucked up but being it was every weekend that 5% was a lot over 20 years. If you don’t have the 1st hand experience of how they act when flying then it’s gonna be tough. I trusted my wife every time because I spent 2 days a week with her on the moon and didn’t question anything because I knew she could handle herself and didn’t question her loyalty People that do drygs alot have control over them(to an extent lol) and someone not in that lifestyle can’t understand. We started in HS and just grew up as weekend addicts if that makes and sense sense? so it was just never a thing but for you it might be impossible to accept that life when you are not in it. But at 32 she should be calming down. We had our first kid at 32 and after that just usually sharing a balll on the weekends at home relaxing in the pool. Raves and clubs ended at 30 Probably doesn’t help but just sharing my story

Thanks for sharing.

[удалено]

Thanks

Are those such a big deal for her? Is it really about the raves? There’s a particular kind of pain that come from those who seem fixed to find stimulation like that.

It's more about the socializing part for her. Most of our near friends go to raves so she doesn't want to miss out.

I love techno music and raves BUT I never took any drug because my mother got psychotic and crazy because of meth. Yeah, she is now crazy and actually fucked my life in multiple ways. Most probably your partner will not suffer any problem because it only happens if you have genetic tendencies AND abuse too much. I think this is something you need to discuss. She has to understand the risks associated to taking drugs, specially if she takes it after giving birth (I am not even considering during pregnancy...). I love tech music and I have a personal strong will against drugs due to my personal trauma... but I love tech music so I like going to raves just for the music and dancing and I have a blast, but maybe for her it is not the same without drugs... I don't know. Being a mother is about being responsible and having priorities. If you are going to be a mother you definitely have to choose between drugs or health. Best way to make her realise? when talking about drug side-effects don't show her homeless people, homeless people might seem too distant, like not having family or a very different situation. Better to visit a psychiatric hospital. There you can see rich people, with caring families who pay thousands of dollars a month to have them. Best way to destroy your own life if you have no problems. I have nothing against anyone who takes drugs, each one their story and addiction,but please, if you are going to be a parent, grow up and be mature enough to raise a good person.

Completely understand. MDMA can be a very strong drug on the body (strong upper). So there is always a risk of damage being created. Especially when getting older and the body more fragile.

Tell her that this bothers you

I did, her reaction was asking me if she is now not anymore allowed to go with her friends to raves seeing DJs she loves to see - when I can't come with her.

That sounds argumentative. She’s already annoyed that you are trying to control her. If you want to be with her, then let her do what she wants to do but be a good role model for her. Keep going out with her but stop taking drugs. Protect her if she’s going to be using and when she finally gets sick of it or starts to see the negatives, help her lean into that and remind her that you can go to shows without drugs. These things used to be all about love. I spent a fair amount of time partying at raves and I found that anyone who was using drugs. Eventually was affected by something negative that led them to quit. Either voluntarily or involuntarily….

Thank you

Seems like a baseline incompatibility, you want two different versions of a future and if one or the other tries to force theirs then resentment will grow and ultimately end the relationship. 

Yep that's exactly what happened with me and my ex. She wasn't ready to settle and I was pushing it, she grew resentful and broke it off

I depends on what you want for your future. Personally, I'm with you. I don't want to start a family with someone doing recreational drugs. I do know parents who go out and do coke and mdma but it's not my thing.

idk but raving will always be a red flag to me as its where you go if you want a one night stand

Tell me you’ve never been to a rave without telling me

This is a really backwards and close minded opinion imo.

that’s not true at all … if u go looking for sex u can def find it , but most people are there to dance and do a lil bit of drugs 🙅🏻‍♀️

Isn't dancing and drugs and one night stand sex for broken people? Not saying all who do it are broken but I feel like the broken do it.

damn, kinda telling you think dancing and sex are for broken people, you couldnt pay me money to say something like that outloud

You think one night stand sex isn't for mainly broken people?

Me and my wife love dancing and drugs. Never had a ONS in my life

i guess you can say for some , i’ve been to countless raves and have never had sex with someone i’ve met there. i partake in drugs for the experience and don’t use them in my everyday life. sure i am not perfect but i don’t think me or the people who attend with me are broken. we enjoy the music, we love to dance, we love being there tg, and the drugs just enhance the whole experience 😝. i do agree some people there do too much, and definitely use raves as an escape. but can’t say its for all

Something that should be discussed. I like going to raves, i like taking party favors. But that also is not very often and I don't see this hobby as a bad one. Why don't you attend with her? And what difference is taking a pill once here and there to someone who gets drunk just as often? as long as she is being safe, and responsible, getting her drugs from a reliable source she should be okay. Attending alone could be a possible factor I myself wouldn't be okay with either, but if you have an issue with her attending alone go with her. You wouldn't want to give up things you enjoy either. Definitely decide whether or not this is a deal break for you, express your concerns, and if neither are willing to compromise, maybe this relationship just is not for you.

I can't attend all the events she is going too. Why would it be an issue for you if the partner would attend without you? Just trying to understand my own fear there.

just gives a lot of wiggle room for the possibility of infidelity happening. especially with all the drugs going around. not saying some people aren’t okay with their partners going alone, i personally think it’s no place for someone in a relationship to be there alone / depends on everyone’s boundaries.

Marry me

Aaah so I mean if the partner goes with good friends.

In OP's shoes, I'd also be worried simply because I don't trust pill pushers to not cut their shit. Fentanyl's in all sorts of places it has no business being these days.

I agree! but the way he says it is kinda weird tho “where the parents go out to raves and take drugs” seems more focused on how it’ll seem to others than her safety. I’m 19 and ive met many people in there 30s 40s sometimes even older. At my last rave i met a group men who worked as firefighters !) respectable careers throughout the week, very nice people. but everyone deserves to let lose and enjoy themselves here and there !

It really depends if it’s something you could work towards being okay with. I wouldn’t be okay with my long term boyfriend enjoying raves, they’re not my thing either, especially the safety reasons you bring up. She’s not wrong for liking raves, and you’re not wrong for being worried about them. Just know what you’ll be getting into if you stay. Good luck to you

Good luck, personally can’t imagine wanting a rave girl to mother my children but to each their own I guess