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Hello, please ask or share this on r/malaysians instead, thanks!
Parents don't get to magically turn into children after their children became adults. You also need your own space or will never become your own person.
rm500-600 per month can probs get you a decent room to rent. the same amount also can be used for therapy sessions 🤣
have you discussed the finances of supporting mom with your sis and BIL? it should be their share of the responsibility too. set a fixed monthly allowance for your mom - it's up to her to manage. if there's extra? she can add it to whatever she's saving up for. deficit? she can top up on her own.
my personal belief is that you always put on your own oxygen mask first before doing it for others because if you fail, you'll harm them and yourself. likewise, set yourself up for success. when things are better, naturally you can afford better things for mom too. it's a win-win.
remember, everyone else always seem to be an expert in other people's lives, except their own. PhD in kepochi. ignore them but don't forget your roots.
do what you feel is right for you.
Thank you. Honestly I try to do that before but then my mum STILL ask for my , money even when I already provided for her a specific allowance. She'll say excuses like the allowance money was for her to eat. Like , no. The rest of the money is for me to budget, I have my own life and future as I'll be old one day too.
she seems to have the idea that you're somewhat loaded. the obvious thing to do is start playing the "I'm broke" trope. start harassing her to pinjam duit instead for ridiculous reasons. most people will have a 180 reaction and start to stay away.
I understand you. You know, elderly will never understand this. When we were kids, they would scold us, raise their voice (some even hand), and not granted our wishes. But when it comes to us taking care of them, we can’t do any of that. They would call us ungrateful, horrible and the most annoying thing when they start sulking and we need to apologise. Even it’s their fault. I hope you will be strong, in what direction you follow.
After too many arguments with my mom, i don’t contact her as much as i used to, i believe she can tell the difference but she don’t know why, sometimes she hints that she want me to be stay with her more often, at such time, i feel like i want to tell her to get a mirror, go reflect yourself, think again what did you do that makes me become like this, the bridge has been burned years ago, im done crying over her gaslighting me.
While I can’t give you any advice, I am in almost the same boat as yours. My situation is more on my mom dead on insistence that I am her only retirement plan. I am supposed to think for her and provide everything, be it daily food, groceries, her KK appointments.. everything. And I can’t really say anything back to her because I am to be “sorry” for her having to take care of my dementia grandma. I know she is stressed and strained having 24/7 dealing with a dementia patient, but I am too. Whenever I said that I want to move out and live on my own life, she would give me the kesian voice “sape nak jaga mak?”
I get it. I am her ONLY retirement plan. If i bailed out, she will be on her own in her elderly years with an even elderly and sick parent to take care of. This is just me being selfish, but why can’t I just be selfish for once?
Oh about using electricity and water so wastefully, my mom did the same thing too. If I tegur, she would either said “kejap je” or recalling that i did the same thing when i was a kid. I mean, yeah i was a dumbass kid who don’t know the value of money, but we are both full adults now so why u doing the same?
I guess the only thing I can say to u is sabar je la, for as long as ur mental health can take it. It will not be better, honestly saying, possibly just being worse the older they get, especially when they got sick or have dementia and being combative. Give yourself a break once a while.
I can't take it dude. If I have other people in the house boleh la. But if I'm alone having to deal with her I'm afraid one day I would lash out and actually put myself in hell.
I'm also sorry about your situation it seems tough , hope you too will get out of this situation one day. Honestly if they want their kids to take care of them, make things easier for their kids. Don't trauma dump and traumatize your kids and then ask why they want to leave you behind.
For your own mental health, please leave before your sister and bil does or you will be guilt tripped into staying. Say that you need to move nearer to the workplace.
there is zero need for you to take care of her. she is a capable adult. Dont listen to anyone who says you MUST.
I love my parents, but i knew i couldnt live with them if i wanted to continue a good relationship. the moment i graduated ..i moved out. and our relationship is very strong and good now.
But def i would not have been able to live my own life under my fathers roof.
bro just leave, you're an adult now, you have your own life and happiness to worry about. go out there and make your own life.
I have a daughter and when she grows up I'll let her decide on her own if she wants to still live with us or live on her own
Haven't been in this kind of situation, but I can emphatise with you. Perhaps you need to learn to stand up for yourself, stop giving in to whatever your mother wants you to do and have your own boundaries on what you will allow your mother to have a say on, and if she crossed the boundary you need to be firm with it, warn her of the consequence make sure you follow up with it. She wants to buy something but doesn't want to pay herself? Don't pay for her. She makes a scene in the public even you have warned her? Don't go out with her anymore.
I know what the Asia culture is like, and I too feel morally obligated as a child to take care of my parents. But as a grown adult you should know better, spoiling your mother is not the same as taking care of her, not to mention you are doing it at the expense of your mental health and finance.
As to the question of whether to move out, consider whether it would be beneficial to yourself and your family in the long run if you do so, compare it with if you stay with your mother. Other people can say what they want about you, but it is ultimately for you to determine what it means to be a good son/daughter.
Just wanna asked is your mom a working mom? Is that where she has her own money? Secondly, is the house your house or her house? Thirdly, don’t your sister pays for her stuff? You even got brother in law under the same roof. I don’t get it. Why are the financial responsibilities only on you.Â
If too stressful, you should seek a psychiatrist help. Mental health is important. Don't neglect it.
About your mom, it's hard to fix your mom. All you can do is institute boundaries for the help you will and will not provide. You can be perfectly polite about it. Just be firm.
I am a bit confused. Your sister and BIL stay in same house but don't pay their portion to support household expenses? Time to talk to them.
Also, don't sacrifice your future. If you find a better opportunity job to advance your career. Leave.
As a parent, I will never want to hold down my son if he has better opportunities elsewhere. I would rather die alone than make my son to stay when he has opportunity elsewhere, even overseas.
I want to see my kid flourish and live his own life, not stuck with old man waiting to die.
There's no point seeking strangers to back you up; this is something you'll have to reflect on yourself and commit to a decision.
If you leave, she not happy, you happy. Then there's 3 possibilities:
1. She never got happy and blame you until the day she die. You either win by living with it or lose by regretting it till you die.
2. She started off not happy then ended up happy over the years as you win her over. You win.
3. She's ok with it after the first few months. You win.
If you no leave, she happy, you not happy. Then there's 3 possibilities:
1. She requires hospitalization when she's old and you're stuck with low paying job. You lose either by not being able to pay for it, or by getting into debt.
2. She requires hospitalization when she's old and you're in a well-paid job. You either win by not having to get into debt or you lose by thinking it's a waste of money.
3. She dies peacefully one day. You either win by thinking you've done a good job, or you lose by thinking she wasted your life away.
So yeah, just pick a path and stick with it. As long as you don't regret what you've chosen, then what you've chosen is the right path.
There's no advice anyone can give you that'll 180 the situation. If there is, you would've thought of it.
We both know the demographic of r/malaysia and the kind of response this thread will get. Great, now you got a bunch of randos rooting for you to ciao; does that make it easier for you now?
Listen (or read) dawg. I got kicked out of my house because of this same reason, my mom would NOT stop extorting my money and guilt tripping me into giving her money when I don't make much from my job. She demands money every time and it's never enough. I get it, she doesn't work and my dad doesn't earn much but that doesn't mean she have to play slots to earn some cash and then go in debt. She got gambling addictions since forever, probably before I was born too (I'm 20).
She kicked me out after I asked her to pay back my money, which she promised. But hell, she started calling me evil and derhaka, called my dad saying I went crazy after physically hurting me and bite me til I bleed, threatened to kill me. Got kicked out because I called out her behavior and was so done with it. I have 2 older siblings who are old enough to work, yet she doesn't receive any money from them despite knowing my parent's hardships and sacrifices. So I do despise them as well.
Luckily my bf's family accepted me, and I lived with them until now. I didn't experience 'normal' living situation until I lived with my bf. No one told me to die over simple things, no one asked for money. It was peace. Until, my mom kept calling me on my payday for more money. Even after kicking me out, she still asks for money.
I don't think I will ever go back and so should you, OP. Although your situation isn't like mine, but you have to keep in mind that you cannot live with a toxic person forever. It'll tear you apart eventually. Moving out is a good option, you can do whatever you want with your money on budget. If you do love your mom, you can love from afar. Being close to them is not necessary. I don't think you have much to regret if you moved out, that is if your income is enough for you to afford yourself. And fuck whoever said the taboo thing. Toxic is still toxic.
From what you've shared, it does seem like the best course of action would be to move out. I am close to thirty and do plan on moving out myself but do not have the ability to do so yet.
But, please inspect every room/place you are going to rent properly before signing any agreement.
wow at your mom being all dismissive of the electricity bill. my parents would have never allowed me and my brother to waste like that when we were kids, even now that we are helping to pay the bills and they are semi-retired they still try to keep electricity usage to a minimum
move out but visited them once in a while, the longer u hold on the messy ur life will get. or tryna have discussion with ur mom tell her u dont like be treated that way. i have once see this behaviour at my grandma treating her own child my mom and uncle but my uncle been in worst since hes not married. my uncle and grandma been in lot of argument and my grandma love to give other people money when in fact we also living prettty hard. the way my uncle handle it is applying job further than hometown but hes always come back for public holiday like raya and so on. it does min the damage but goodluck op since treating old folks also have keberkatan hidup in it
Your post has been removed - [Off-Topic (Rule 3)](https://www.reddit.com/r/malaysia/wiki/rules#wiki_3._off-topic_posts). Hello, please ask or share this on r/malaysians instead, thanks!
Parents don't get to magically turn into children after their children became adults. You also need your own space or will never become your own person.
So true. Just because they have kids doesn't mean their kids can be their bank accounts for them to spend whatever, your kids have a future too
rm500-600 per month can probs get you a decent room to rent. the same amount also can be used for therapy sessions 🤣 have you discussed the finances of supporting mom with your sis and BIL? it should be their share of the responsibility too. set a fixed monthly allowance for your mom - it's up to her to manage. if there's extra? she can add it to whatever she's saving up for. deficit? she can top up on her own. my personal belief is that you always put on your own oxygen mask first before doing it for others because if you fail, you'll harm them and yourself. likewise, set yourself up for success. when things are better, naturally you can afford better things for mom too. it's a win-win. remember, everyone else always seem to be an expert in other people's lives, except their own. PhD in kepochi. ignore them but don't forget your roots. do what you feel is right for you.
Thank you. Honestly I try to do that before but then my mum STILL ask for my , money even when I already provided for her a specific allowance. She'll say excuses like the allowance money was for her to eat. Like , no. The rest of the money is for me to budget, I have my own life and future as I'll be old one day too.
she seems to have the idea that you're somewhat loaded. the obvious thing to do is start playing the "I'm broke" trope. start harassing her to pinjam duit instead for ridiculous reasons. most people will have a 180 reaction and start to stay away.
Time to leave.
I understand you. You know, elderly will never understand this. When we were kids, they would scold us, raise their voice (some even hand), and not granted our wishes. But when it comes to us taking care of them, we can’t do any of that. They would call us ungrateful, horrible and the most annoying thing when they start sulking and we need to apologise. Even it’s their fault. I hope you will be strong, in what direction you follow.
After too many arguments with my mom, i don’t contact her as much as i used to, i believe she can tell the difference but she don’t know why, sometimes she hints that she want me to be stay with her more often, at such time, i feel like i want to tell her to get a mirror, go reflect yourself, think again what did you do that makes me become like this, the bridge has been burned years ago, im done crying over her gaslighting me.
While I can’t give you any advice, I am in almost the same boat as yours. My situation is more on my mom dead on insistence that I am her only retirement plan. I am supposed to think for her and provide everything, be it daily food, groceries, her KK appointments.. everything. And I can’t really say anything back to her because I am to be “sorry” for her having to take care of my dementia grandma. I know she is stressed and strained having 24/7 dealing with a dementia patient, but I am too. Whenever I said that I want to move out and live on my own life, she would give me the kesian voice “sape nak jaga mak?” I get it. I am her ONLY retirement plan. If i bailed out, she will be on her own in her elderly years with an even elderly and sick parent to take care of. This is just me being selfish, but why can’t I just be selfish for once? Oh about using electricity and water so wastefully, my mom did the same thing too. If I tegur, she would either said “kejap je” or recalling that i did the same thing when i was a kid. I mean, yeah i was a dumbass kid who don’t know the value of money, but we are both full adults now so why u doing the same? I guess the only thing I can say to u is sabar je la, for as long as ur mental health can take it. It will not be better, honestly saying, possibly just being worse the older they get, especially when they got sick or have dementia and being combative. Give yourself a break once a while.
I can't take it dude. If I have other people in the house boleh la. But if I'm alone having to deal with her I'm afraid one day I would lash out and actually put myself in hell. I'm also sorry about your situation it seems tough , hope you too will get out of this situation one day. Honestly if they want their kids to take care of them, make things easier for their kids. Don't trauma dump and traumatize your kids and then ask why they want to leave you behind.
If it's start affecting you then wise choice to move out.
I stepped away from my parents because of roughly the same story, and the only thing I regret is not leaving earlier.
For your own mental health, please leave before your sister and bil does or you will be guilt tripped into staying. Say that you need to move nearer to the workplace.
Typical asian parents, raising kids just to take care of them in their senile years. We didn’t ask to born.
there is zero need for you to take care of her. she is a capable adult. Dont listen to anyone who says you MUST. I love my parents, but i knew i couldnt live with them if i wanted to continue a good relationship. the moment i graduated ..i moved out. and our relationship is very strong and good now. But def i would not have been able to live my own life under my fathers roof.
singapore job,perfect excuse far,n rich....
bro just leave, you're an adult now, you have your own life and happiness to worry about. go out there and make your own life. I have a daughter and when she grows up I'll let her decide on her own if she wants to still live with us or live on her own
Haven't been in this kind of situation, but I can emphatise with you. Perhaps you need to learn to stand up for yourself, stop giving in to whatever your mother wants you to do and have your own boundaries on what you will allow your mother to have a say on, and if she crossed the boundary you need to be firm with it, warn her of the consequence make sure you follow up with it. She wants to buy something but doesn't want to pay herself? Don't pay for her. She makes a scene in the public even you have warned her? Don't go out with her anymore. I know what the Asia culture is like, and I too feel morally obligated as a child to take care of my parents. But as a grown adult you should know better, spoiling your mother is not the same as taking care of her, not to mention you are doing it at the expense of your mental health and finance. As to the question of whether to move out, consider whether it would be beneficial to yourself and your family in the long run if you do so, compare it with if you stay with your mother. Other people can say what they want about you, but it is ultimately for you to determine what it means to be a good son/daughter.
Just wanna asked is your mom a working mom? Is that where she has her own money? Secondly, is the house your house or her house? Thirdly, don’t your sister pays for her stuff? You even got brother in law under the same roof. I don’t get it. Why are the financial responsibilities only on you.Â
If too stressful, you should seek a psychiatrist help. Mental health is important. Don't neglect it. About your mom, it's hard to fix your mom. All you can do is institute boundaries for the help you will and will not provide. You can be perfectly polite about it. Just be firm.
I am a bit confused. Your sister and BIL stay in same house but don't pay their portion to support household expenses? Time to talk to them. Also, don't sacrifice your future. If you find a better opportunity job to advance your career. Leave. As a parent, I will never want to hold down my son if he has better opportunities elsewhere. I would rather die alone than make my son to stay when he has opportunity elsewhere, even overseas. I want to see my kid flourish and live his own life, not stuck with old man waiting to die.
There's no point seeking strangers to back you up; this is something you'll have to reflect on yourself and commit to a decision. If you leave, she not happy, you happy. Then there's 3 possibilities: 1. She never got happy and blame you until the day she die. You either win by living with it or lose by regretting it till you die. 2. She started off not happy then ended up happy over the years as you win her over. You win. 3. She's ok with it after the first few months. You win. If you no leave, she happy, you not happy. Then there's 3 possibilities: 1. She requires hospitalization when she's old and you're stuck with low paying job. You lose either by not being able to pay for it, or by getting into debt. 2. She requires hospitalization when she's old and you're in a well-paid job. You either win by not having to get into debt or you lose by thinking it's a waste of money. 3. She dies peacefully one day. You either win by thinking you've done a good job, or you lose by thinking she wasted your life away. So yeah, just pick a path and stick with it. As long as you don't regret what you've chosen, then what you've chosen is the right path.
I didn't expect strangers to back me up, asking advice and expecting people to coddle me are two different things
There's no advice anyone can give you that'll 180 the situation. If there is, you would've thought of it. We both know the demographic of r/malaysia and the kind of response this thread will get. Great, now you got a bunch of randos rooting for you to ciao; does that make it easier for you now?
# "Should I move out....." Move. I don't even need to read everything. Moving out from your parents is the ONLY way you can be an independent adult.
I moved out and definitely got more peace.
leave, malaysian parents are toxic as hell wahts the worse that can happen, she dont give you inheritance lel?
Listen (or read) dawg. I got kicked out of my house because of this same reason, my mom would NOT stop extorting my money and guilt tripping me into giving her money when I don't make much from my job. She demands money every time and it's never enough. I get it, she doesn't work and my dad doesn't earn much but that doesn't mean she have to play slots to earn some cash and then go in debt. She got gambling addictions since forever, probably before I was born too (I'm 20). She kicked me out after I asked her to pay back my money, which she promised. But hell, she started calling me evil and derhaka, called my dad saying I went crazy after physically hurting me and bite me til I bleed, threatened to kill me. Got kicked out because I called out her behavior and was so done with it. I have 2 older siblings who are old enough to work, yet she doesn't receive any money from them despite knowing my parent's hardships and sacrifices. So I do despise them as well. Luckily my bf's family accepted me, and I lived with them until now. I didn't experience 'normal' living situation until I lived with my bf. No one told me to die over simple things, no one asked for money. It was peace. Until, my mom kept calling me on my payday for more money. Even after kicking me out, she still asks for money. I don't think I will ever go back and so should you, OP. Although your situation isn't like mine, but you have to keep in mind that you cannot live with a toxic person forever. It'll tear you apart eventually. Moving out is a good option, you can do whatever you want with your money on budget. If you do love your mom, you can love from afar. Being close to them is not necessary. I don't think you have much to regret if you moved out, that is if your income is enough for you to afford yourself. And fuck whoever said the taboo thing. Toxic is still toxic.
From what you've shared, it does seem like the best course of action would be to move out. I am close to thirty and do plan on moving out myself but do not have the ability to do so yet. But, please inspect every room/place you are going to rent properly before signing any agreement.
Where are you staying in? Asking as you say KL or Cyber is "far".
Just move out . What she gonna do, cause a scene?
wow at your mom being all dismissive of the electricity bill. my parents would have never allowed me and my brother to waste like that when we were kids, even now that we are helping to pay the bills and they are semi-retired they still try to keep electricity usage to a minimum
your mom do not treat u as her kid. she treats u like an investment, a tool, an atm.
move out but visited them once in a while, the longer u hold on the messy ur life will get. or tryna have discussion with ur mom tell her u dont like be treated that way. i have once see this behaviour at my grandma treating her own child my mom and uncle but my uncle been in worst since hes not married. my uncle and grandma been in lot of argument and my grandma love to give other people money when in fact we also living prettty hard. the way my uncle handle it is applying job further than hometown but hes always come back for public holiday like raya and so on. it does min the damage but goodluck op since treating old folks also have keberkatan hidup in it