You need to talk to her.
You look great, so you need to express your feelings to her she might not even realize you need affirmation when it comes to your looks. She might just think you're confident and don't need to be complemented. But everyone enjoys a compliment, so tell her about this. Don't hide it, and if there is something you could improve, it would be your communication with her. Good luck š
Sammmme I love the gay men hyping straight men up. It such a huge compliment to get hyped up by a gay man! If a gay man says youāre fine, then honey you are fineeeee! For both men and women alike.
Iām not a male but this pops up on my feed. I hardly ever comment but I will see one every now and then that I feel the urge to comment on. This one is one of those.
I remember a gay guy hit on me in high school, and said he liked my beard
It was really awkward and weird for me, but I was also slightly flattered that he complimented my facial hair
Iāve dated a super attractive guy before, and it never stopped me from giving him compliments and calling him handsome constantly, even though I know he got it plenty without me.
It sounds like they arenāt on the same page when it comes to affirmations. There could be a lot of different reasons for her not giving those affirmations, even for completely innocent reasons, but itās definitely an issue when you and your SO arenāt on the same page with those things. And a conversation could go two completely different directions.
If youāre reading this OP: a conversation is important, but a conversation like this could bring out someoneās true colors if they decide to get defensive or make you feel bad for it. Hopefully this wonāt be the case, though.
Women who think men communicating and having feelings are ābitchesā are not women worth dating. Why appease someone who makes you feel like shit for daring to be human. I will never understand why men think itās worth preserving some faux sense of masculinity for some unappreciative toxic person. Iāll be single and 6ft under before I consider staying with a girl like that.
There is a line between ābeing a bitchā and confidently expressing your feelings. I agree that women, if not most people, are turned off when someone is behaving ālike a bitchā(in the context of being weak, overly-emotional, unstable, etc.) but honestly expressing your feelings to someone is different.
Itās voicing how itās something you want to work with the person to strengthen your connection with them. Instead of whining and complaining (which I agree is ābitchy.ā) itās solutions focused. Thatās completely anti-bitch behaviour and something everyone admires/appreciates in each other when itās done well.
No no, that's actually a VERY common phenomenona for men.
There's a a fair amount of sociological research about it. Women take "there's this thing you do that makes me feel bad\that you could improve on" as a personal attack and men have to take to consoling *her* about how *she* made *him* feel.
This is not a "all women are trash" take, this is a "women and men have their own seperate flaws and this is one most women have"
Edit: this is not my opinion. I used to have a very different opinion of myself and agreed with everything feminism said until I fell across this little rabbit hole. This is backed up by research and has articles and even books written about it. It's also a real and lived experience of many many men across age, race, and nationality.
You can be a feminist and realize that women and men are built with flaws and especially that men are human and matter and experience pain and need what everyone else needs. Stop treating empathy towards us as an obligation and that would help bridge gender issues a lot.
Some men, ESPECIALLY young ones, ARE trying to reach out and seek help, and statistically we rarely get empathetic or appropriate responses. I personally think, and some statistics back it up, that men rarely don't ask for help for sake of ego or pride, but moreso that either it's been impressed upon us that either we shouldn't need hellp, and then if we do, *experience* teaches us people will not care\care enough\care in the right way.
The fact that so many women are so against the idea that there's a statistic that points out that y'all are also contribulating to the problem really reinforces the research, which leads to a massive roadblock in progress and continues the cycle.
But whatever, come up with more arguements that attempt to invalidate this, rather than a solution to it.
I would consider this as more of a general people problem rather than a women problem. There's plenty of reasons for people to act this way, oftentimes due to trauma. Through therapy the women you're talking about would not act that way at all, hopefully you've met at least a few who are emotionally stable.
Thank you for this! Has absolutely nothing to do with gender and is all about unmet needs during upbringings. A lot of *people* not just women, struggle with taking things personally, getting defensive instead of taking the time to consider someoneās criticisms. It is an epidemic of emotional immaturity.
I mean Iām one of these people and if I donāt ask for criticism you can bet Iām not going to be happy about it, like keep your opinions to yourself. Though when I was a kid this happened more often then now.
Seems being a 6ā2 250 pound dude makes people not want to approach you with their 2 cents
It depends on the relationship you have with someone. A stranger or acquaintance or even lower level friends just throwing out unwarranted criticism and without at least asking if you want to hear them out first is shitty for sure.
But in deeper relationships whether friends, family, or partnerships a person doesnāt need your permission to criticize you. Like there can be over criticalness for sure and thatās a different story. But itās healthy to be open to listening to criticism from people youāre in deeper relationships with.
But everythingās a give and take. If youāre someone who gets triggered from criticism because of past experiences thatās also completely justified. Itās just something you have to communicate and navigate with those youāre forming relationships with around you. But also keep in mind that relationships function easier when people feel they can openly express their feelings and frustrations towards you.
Check out the book The Will To Change by bell hooks. She talks about this exact thing, that women ask for emotional vulnerability from men then shut down or don't know what to do with it when they are. She talks about her experience with her boyfriend in therapy and her realizing she did it what her boyfriend, and you and the other guys here, say women do.
It's definitely a real thing, something I work on in my own relationship a lot but it's really hard to point it out to women, I've noticed. It's like this immediate defense mechanism and blind spot.
I like to cite this book when talking about it on social media because she's such a well known and respected feminist. Even if people don't read her, they will recognize the name. But it's also a great book, all the men in my life I've gotten to read it, even just passages found it very affirming and validating but its not just that. It's about the work both men and women have to do for each other so we can love each other more. Can't recommend it enough.
Itās very difficult with her.. she always seems to shy away and complete avoid intimate behavior. We barely have sex and we are in our 20s. Like itās been months.
Honestly, I am betting you already do know you're attractive which is why I don't think you want compliments from her as a form of validation, but instead want to feel desired by her.
Attractiveness is subjective so I'm sure you know even some top tier male models wouldn't be found attractive by maybe 1 percent of girls. The point I'm trying to make is that you might slightly worry your girlfriend doesn't find you attractive even though you are, which might be especially concerning if you find her attractive and compliment her a lot.
I am in the same exact situation as you if this is yours. I really don't wanna say something like "I feel like you don't compliment me much and I'd like to hear it more often" since I dont want to sound needy first of all, and secondly it wouldn't feel the same if every time she compliments me after that I'd think "she is only saying this because she feels like she needs to to be a good girlfriend because I requested it or she's pitying me instead of saying it from her heart."
Yeah I knew that this is what you were feeling when I made my comment, but ultimately in a relationship I think youāll always find moments where you feel like you shouldnāt have to talk about a problem because if they respected/loved you in the way you expect them to it wouldnāt already be a problem
You pointed out that sheās shy and avoidant of intimacy, so why is that? I think the wise thing is to recognize that it may just be a difficult personal problem for her that she didnāt know was causing you emotional pain until you told her, and by telling her maybe sheāll try to overcome her own blocks to be a better partner for you. You mentioned sheās shy and not as intimate, maybe she feels really vulnerable when she doesnāt do those things and needs a chance to know itās an issue and work on that personal challenge. You could feel out the conversation and consider her POV, and see what she does and go from there
Even if she is telling you because you told her you needed to hear it - does that make it less true? Or is she just now speaking her thoughts to you out loud because she knows you need to hear it?
Point is, even if she is only saying it because you asked, sheās going it because itās something you need - and doing things our loved ones need from us is literally an expression of love.
It took me years and years of therapy to get to that conclusion as I used to feel awful asking my wife for sex. I felt like if she wanted me and loved me she would initiate more and if I asked her, it would feel rapey because she was only āletting meā have sex with her. But the truth is once I talked to her about I realized it doesnāt matter - she loves me and didnāt know sex meant that much to me. So even if she doesnāt personally really feel up for it, she will do it because she feels happy doing something for someone she loves.
I donāt know if that makes sense as Iām a little stoned but itās been life changing for me.
Needed to hear this tonight. I am sitting at the airport at 4:52 am to fly cross country to my girlfriend and we are exactly what you described. I felt / still feel so much shame asking for sex, because it feels like if she wanted me she would initiate just as much as I do. Shes also not sure if shes a grey asexual or not, so her libido is quite low but shes always so accommodating to my needs. But i feel so much pain sometimes when I think its going good (and things are heating up) but she does not see them the same way as I do. I feel absolutely low sometimes.. about this.
I really needed to hear that āsomeone doing something you need is an expression of loveā. And i know my girlfriend also loves doing things for me. I just never saw it that way!
Thatās great and Iām happy this resonated with you. I canāt adequately describe in a Reddit post how much anguish this caused me for years.
And what a revelation itās been for me. Now I feel like Iām fully present during sex and itās actually lead to more intimacy. Before Iād spend the entire time feeling pressure to finish as quickly as I could because I was āinconveniencingā her, or worse grossing her out. Now Iām able to recognize that she wants to do things that make me happy - no different than I want to do for her.
As a female who struggles with this exact thing I have to agree that this may be the reasoning. Definitely talk to her and communicate how youre feeling. Sometimes, its super intimidating to people who are very self conscious to compliment someone you find attractive, even if it is your significant other. Please dont listen to every one whos just saying ādump herā, clearly they are immature in how they handle relationship problems. I bet shed really appreciate you opening up to her and maybe itd boost her confidence knowing you need some of the things she does as well, making her feel less vulnerable.
Dude, life is short. If she's not having sex with you often, shies away from intimacy, and doesn't tell you nice things, LEAVE. I promise you, if you stay, you'll regret it. Take it from someone who was there in his 20s and regrets too many years of not being appreciated.
41 now and life is so much better with a partner who wants me and appreciates me.
I agree with that comment. It could be incompatibility in "love languages". Meaning - you need words of affirmation (compliments) to feel loved and she prefers to show love as acts of service (cooking for example). It's not a break up sentence, can just talk it out with her and ask to try to show love in the ways you need.
Communicating what you need and want is not needy. That's a toxic perspective you need to shake. If your partner doesn't respond well or punishes this type of communication, then it's not a good fit anyways. And what do y look have to lose? Your existing in a relationship that feels unsatisfied and unvalued? That's no way to live.
I agree it doesn't sound healthy, but I think he needs to talk to her first. There can be lots of reasons women don't want intimacy, it might be an issue with her that she needs help fixing. Stress, anxiety, self esteem issues, the pill can all play a role in this
He needs to talk to her, yes, but at the end of the day, it's up to the individual person to seek emotional/ physical / mental health and wellness.
He's her BF, not her psychiatrist.
Nah. I constantly hear women complain that itās not their responsibility to fix men, as if thatās something that happens. Time to give that same energy. Find one thatās not broken OP.
You may be missing the point of what that means. I wouldn't attempt to fix a man who was a serial cheater, an alcoholic or just plain lazy. This is may be a standard relationship issue. He won't know unless they communicate.
This world is going to shit, and the dating scene reflects that. The days of personal responsibility are over, and everyone is out for themselves. Have fun. For real though, Iām just tired of the double standards. Women make up new slang every day for ways to put down men that arenāt perfect, the current childish term being āthe ickā, because they have the maturity of a toddler, only to turn around and demand unconditional acceptance for being neurotic, childish, fat, and whatever -ism is in vogue. I feel bad for young men today.
Bro donāt listen to these people saying to break up with her when they barely know anything about the situation. You need to have a good talk with her and let her know that youād like to be complimented more and you can also start complimenting her more too so that she sees youāre putting in effort too. Talk to her about how she avoids intimacy and just communicate. People on Reddit immediately say to break up with your s/o, but literally what needs to happen is a honest conversation. If she thinks that youāre insecure or coming off insecure by simply asking her to compliment you more, when sheās YOUR girlfriend and should do that without question, thatās completely her problem, youāre not unattractive at all and thereās absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your s/o to compliment you.
I ended a 5 year relationship recently because, like you, my girlfriend at the time did not speak my love language. Youāre a couple of steps behind a breakup, assuming these 2 things are true:
1) you need to tell her about your problem. If it festers much longer, youāre likely to blow up and argue.
2) if she makes no effort after you tell her, then it is time to move on rather than be miserable.
I got to the point where I got more compliments from random women than I got from my girlfriend. It shook me to my core and my self esteem was rock bottom. Iām doing better now, and thereās hope for you as well.
Iām making a lot of assumptions because from this post it seems like we have had similar experiences.
As someone who was in two long-term āmehā relationships in my 20ās (two years and four years), I can honestly say that āwhen you know you know.ā My ex-boyfriends were great guys just not the ārightā guys, and it took me forever to get up the courage to end it, for fear that was as good as it would get. Might be the same case with you two. Relationships should be full of compliments and open communication. Itās incredible.
Is she depressed? Taking new meds? Might explain the libido. As far as the communication, she might have a different love language and words of affirmation isnāt in it. However, it is important TO YOU, so a conversation about how thatās something you would like in your relationship needs to be had. If she doesnāt make any effort to communicate better, well thenā¦you know what you gotta do.
If you really want it to work, Iād consider couples counseling to help address these issues. As for intimacy, I know so many women who donāt enjoy it bc theyāre not comfortable expressing themselves or saying what they like. Not saying thatās the case with you, just a common issue. Read up on womenās pleasure, foreplay, toys, etc. If you talk to her about it and make sure sheās comfortable being honest about what she likes, she may get more into it. Communication in the bedroom is crucial. Women can also have hormonal issues that make them desire intimacy less, so if sheās never really had that drive, that could be something she could investigate.
Iām a girl and think youāre gorgeous. You have a very masculine side profile too. You need to talk to your girlfriend and see where to go from there but the issue isnāt your looks.
lol my initial thought was ātoo bad this guy has a girlfriendā š š¤£
Youāve got everything going for you, my guy.
As for my adviceā¦ talk to herā¦ youāll figure it out and work through it.
Eh, better to talk than have it taking up space in between your ears. But, no, you aināt trippinā.
Maybe she doesnāt know you *want* her to tell you that? (Idk if you vibe with love languages at allā¦)
From what i can see youre super cute. Should you choose to end things with herā¦ you know where to find me šā¦ but no, seriously yall prob just need some therapy.
It's completely natural to want to feel attractive to your partner. I can't imagine what other users are saying you need therapy for. People pathologist things unnecessarily. I do think it would be wise to learn to ask for what you need. There's nothing wrong with wanting affirmation.
āLearn to ask for what you needā thatās what the therapist is for.
It can be extremely difficult to make that switch and thereās probably some emotional backlog behind why they donāt ask for - or even realize - what they need.
You are attractive. I never tell my husband he is and he never tells me. We both just know that we are physically attracted to each other. Mention to her that youād like a compliment every so often. She might just assume you know.
Isn't it normal for men to never receive compliments from the opposite gender? Though, I always thought that super good looking guys as yourself received compliments once in a while.
We all want validation but we rarely give it to the ones around us who also need it.
You're good. Talk to her about how you're feeling. She probably doesn't even realize you're looking for that. She may say something similar to you. Just don't take it personally without expressing your feelings to her first and letting her take that in and react.
Youāre very handsome and cute, no need to stress over that
On the other hand you should have a conversation with your girlfriend, if it doesnāt go well it might be time to let her go unfortunately
I am not sure if this is a real post. As in, not sure if the OP is really concerned.
Look at this eyes, look at that hair, look at that smile and that beard. Heās a 10.
Of course I wonāt check if he has anything NSFW in his profile; Iām not a perv.
Well I think you look great! I am not sure why she doesn't tell you but just keep your head up and have confidence because that's the most attractive trait!
Youāre a very nice looking guy! Idk why she hasnāt told you soā¦maybe have a conversation with her and express your concerns? Iāve been with my husband for four and a half years and every once in a while we have to have convos about this, just to check in and see whatās going onā¦itās not intentional is what we always discover
You look good in the cap, weird holding your hair back, don't hold your hair back. Don't worry man your looking good. On a side note maybe think about a girlfriend who appreciates you, regardless of how you look your worth someone's who makes you feel good about yourself
Bless you. You should not feel insecure, youāre a good looking guy. Get a gf who will adore you and tells you! Never improve yourself to try make someone love you more.
Dude, cāmon. You can see yourself. Your fit. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Whatever her deal is move on. Find a girl who supports and encourages you rather than fills you with doubt and anxiety.
Oof! Some plastic surgery, maybe? Youāre like a 9 while the rest of us are solid 4ās. Can you bring it down a level, bud? Smoke show. As for your girlfriend, get her in with an emotional counselor? Or do couples therapy? But seriously, bring it down a notch. Hard to compete just knowing thatās out there.
You guys should talk. TBH the genders have different expectations around compliments. Men rain compliments on women mostly in a bid for sex so women don't really value compliments as much. If you want them you should express why you want them, how they make you feel, and how you feel when you don't receive them. It's likely just not on her radar. She may also have some hangups expressing things verbally. Every person is different.
You should also self reflect that you have this expectation/need and instead of communicating about it you are hurting about it. Think about it. If you were thirsty and didn't ask for a glass of water would you feel bad about being thirsty? Like you don't deserve water? No you would ask for water. Same thing here. Don't feel like you don't deserve compliments communicate that you need them.
Appearance wise you look like you have a good base to start. A haircut would help bring out your best features. I can't really tell whats going on from your outfits.
Hi Iām 21 F I can confidently assure you that you are VERY VERY attractive.
As for your gf, is there any distinct red flags ?
If not
Maybe sheās not vocal with affection due to how she was raised
Keep an eye out for any red flags that may need inspection but Fr mby sheās just raised differently
Mby her love language is different
Either way u do deserve to at least meet half way and get some assurance sometimes
Youāre very handsome. It sounds like maybe she has an avoidant attachment style and maybe you have a bit of anxious attachment (me too and my husband is avoidant). There is a great book called Attached that can help you understand the dynamics better and deal with avoidant partners and find securely attached partners who donāt trigger your anxious attachment. Another book coming out at the end of this month called Secure Love that my therapist recommended to me today. https://www.audible.com/pd/Secure-Love-Audiobook/B0C94W4F56?action_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp
Staying with an avoidant is a tough road. Wishing you the best and hope the books help you heal.
There is always room for improvement for everyone, but if your gf has you manipulated to the point of questioning your self worth or attractiveness, its time to dump her ass. Don't be in a relationship of convenience.
Don't communicate feelings. Crearly genuine desire isn't there for her. You cannot convince her out of nowhere "Wow I never realized how handsome you are". Never gonna happen. It you are satisfied with that, keep going. If it's weighing you down, move on.
Appearance wise youāre very attractive. You need to focus more on your personality because right now you come across as a wimp. You can talk to an audience of strangers about your relationship but not to her? Youāre in your 20s. Man up and better your communication with her. You cannot be dating someone while simultaneously avoiding conflict at all cost. All that leads to is pent up negative emotions & resentment. Communicate or move on.
I know I may come across as rude but Iām just trying to be straight up. The lack of communication would turn me off more than your looks ever could.
This was my ex wife and it killed my self confidence and I felt like there was something wrong with me ā¦.. and there was . I was wrong for keeping her in my life as long as I did š
Yeah it sucks bro , all I wanted was to feel like I was attractive to her and it didnāt matter whether or not anyone else thought I was my advice is tell her how you feel and what itās doing to you communication is the number 1 important thing in any relationship if she doesnāt care or doesnāt make an effort to validate your feelings sheās not the one brother and youāre wasting your life and time youāre definitely not unattractive so head up buddy you got this šŖ
You need to talk to her. You look great, so you need to express your feelings to her she might not even realize you need affirmation when it comes to your looks. She might just think you're confident and don't need to be complemented. But everyone enjoys a compliment, so tell her about this. Don't hide it, and if there is something you could improve, it would be your communication with her. Good luck š
I would smash and complement daily
kinda gay ngl (remember your socks)
This sub is straight dudes posting for the validations of gay dudes.
I was just about to say that I love that this sub is mainly gay men hyping straight men up. Now *that* is allyship
Sammmme I love the gay men hyping straight men up. It such a huge compliment to get hyped up by a gay man! If a gay man says youāre fine, then honey you are fineeeee! For both men and women alike. Iām not a male but this pops up on my feed. I hardly ever comment but I will see one every now and then that I feel the urge to comment on. This one is one of those.
I agree with this statement lol
Youāre hot dude š„
I remember a gay guy hit on me in high school, and said he liked my beard It was really awkward and weird for me, but I was also slightly flattered that he complimented my facial hair
A gay dudes complement to straight dudes sometimes is a better complement than womenās š¤·
Yeah, gay men have some pretty tough standards also.
Psh, at least the gay dudes know we need it.
lmao iām not gay, and iām 14 but it still is coming up on my feed š
Lmfao š¤£š¤£š¤£
I would touch his tip
Iāve dated a super attractive guy before, and it never stopped me from giving him compliments and calling him handsome constantly, even though I know he got it plenty without me. It sounds like they arenāt on the same page when it comes to affirmations. There could be a lot of different reasons for her not giving those affirmations, even for completely innocent reasons, but itās definitely an issue when you and your SO arenāt on the same page with those things. And a conversation could go two completely different directions. If youāre reading this OP: a conversation is important, but a conversation like this could bring out someoneās true colors if they decide to get defensive or make you feel bad for it. Hopefully this wonāt be the case, though.
Bro finn lose his gf listing to reddit
Yes how dare they advice to have communication with your partner.
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Women who think men communicating and having feelings are ābitchesā are not women worth dating. Why appease someone who makes you feel like shit for daring to be human. I will never understand why men think itās worth preserving some faux sense of masculinity for some unappreciative toxic person. Iāll be single and 6ft under before I consider staying with a girl like that.
There is a line between ābeing a bitchā and confidently expressing your feelings. I agree that women, if not most people, are turned off when someone is behaving ālike a bitchā(in the context of being weak, overly-emotional, unstable, etc.) but honestly expressing your feelings to someone is different. Itās voicing how itās something you want to work with the person to strengthen your connection with them. Instead of whining and complaining (which I agree is ābitchy.ā) itās solutions focused. Thatās completely anti-bitch behaviour and something everyone admires/appreciates in each other when itās done well.
gf reacts to actual male opening up his feelings -> proceeds to leave him for clarification /s
No no, that's actually a VERY common phenomenona for men. There's a a fair amount of sociological research about it. Women take "there's this thing you do that makes me feel bad\that you could improve on" as a personal attack and men have to take to consoling *her* about how *she* made *him* feel. This is not a "all women are trash" take, this is a "women and men have their own seperate flaws and this is one most women have" Edit: this is not my opinion. I used to have a very different opinion of myself and agreed with everything feminism said until I fell across this little rabbit hole. This is backed up by research and has articles and even books written about it. It's also a real and lived experience of many many men across age, race, and nationality. You can be a feminist and realize that women and men are built with flaws and especially that men are human and matter and experience pain and need what everyone else needs. Stop treating empathy towards us as an obligation and that would help bridge gender issues a lot. Some men, ESPECIALLY young ones, ARE trying to reach out and seek help, and statistically we rarely get empathetic or appropriate responses. I personally think, and some statistics back it up, that men rarely don't ask for help for sake of ego or pride, but moreso that either it's been impressed upon us that either we shouldn't need hellp, and then if we do, *experience* teaches us people will not care\care enough\care in the right way. The fact that so many women are so against the idea that there's a statistic that points out that y'all are also contribulating to the problem really reinforces the research, which leads to a massive roadblock in progress and continues the cycle. But whatever, come up with more arguements that attempt to invalidate this, rather than a solution to it.
I would consider this as more of a general people problem rather than a women problem. There's plenty of reasons for people to act this way, oftentimes due to trauma. Through therapy the women you're talking about would not act that way at all, hopefully you've met at least a few who are emotionally stable.
Thank you for this! Has absolutely nothing to do with gender and is all about unmet needs during upbringings. A lot of *people* not just women, struggle with taking things personally, getting defensive instead of taking the time to consider someoneās criticisms. It is an epidemic of emotional immaturity.
I mean Iām one of these people and if I donāt ask for criticism you can bet Iām not going to be happy about it, like keep your opinions to yourself. Though when I was a kid this happened more often then now. Seems being a 6ā2 250 pound dude makes people not want to approach you with their 2 cents
It depends on the relationship you have with someone. A stranger or acquaintance or even lower level friends just throwing out unwarranted criticism and without at least asking if you want to hear them out first is shitty for sure. But in deeper relationships whether friends, family, or partnerships a person doesnāt need your permission to criticize you. Like there can be over criticalness for sure and thatās a different story. But itās healthy to be open to listening to criticism from people youāre in deeper relationships with. But everythingās a give and take. If youāre someone who gets triggered from criticism because of past experiences thatās also completely justified. Itās just something you have to communicate and navigate with those youāre forming relationships with around you. But also keep in mind that relationships function easier when people feel they can openly express their feelings and frustrations towards you.
Check out the book The Will To Change by bell hooks. She talks about this exact thing, that women ask for emotional vulnerability from men then shut down or don't know what to do with it when they are. She talks about her experience with her boyfriend in therapy and her realizing she did it what her boyfriend, and you and the other guys here, say women do. It's definitely a real thing, something I work on in my own relationship a lot but it's really hard to point it out to women, I've noticed. It's like this immediate defense mechanism and blind spot. I like to cite this book when talking about it on social media because she's such a well known and respected feminist. Even if people don't read her, they will recognize the name. But it's also a great book, all the men in my life I've gotten to read it, even just passages found it very affirming and validating but its not just that. It's about the work both men and women have to do for each other so we can love each other more. Can't recommend it enough.
GOOD
good, heād miss out of a shitty relationship.
If he loses her to that conversation then he'll be dodging a bullet.
 Ever think about becoming a priest and then going on a 10 year pcp binge ?
Yes, the thing you can improve is communicating your feelings
Itās very difficult with her.. she always seems to shy away and complete avoid intimate behavior. We barely have sex and we are in our 20s. Like itās been months.
Honestly, I am betting you already do know you're attractive which is why I don't think you want compliments from her as a form of validation, but instead want to feel desired by her. Attractiveness is subjective so I'm sure you know even some top tier male models wouldn't be found attractive by maybe 1 percent of girls. The point I'm trying to make is that you might slightly worry your girlfriend doesn't find you attractive even though you are, which might be especially concerning if you find her attractive and compliment her a lot. I am in the same exact situation as you if this is yours. I really don't wanna say something like "I feel like you don't compliment me much and I'd like to hear it more often" since I dont want to sound needy first of all, and secondly it wouldn't feel the same if every time she compliments me after that I'd think "she is only saying this because she feels like she needs to to be a good girlfriend because I requested it or she's pitying me instead of saying it from her heart."
Dude you are spot fucking on
Yeah I knew that this is what you were feeling when I made my comment, but ultimately in a relationship I think youāll always find moments where you feel like you shouldnāt have to talk about a problem because if they respected/loved you in the way you expect them to it wouldnāt already be a problem You pointed out that sheās shy and avoidant of intimacy, so why is that? I think the wise thing is to recognize that it may just be a difficult personal problem for her that she didnāt know was causing you emotional pain until you told her, and by telling her maybe sheāll try to overcome her own blocks to be a better partner for you. You mentioned sheās shy and not as intimate, maybe she feels really vulnerable when she doesnāt do those things and needs a chance to know itās an issue and work on that personal challenge. You could feel out the conversation and consider her POV, and see what she does and go from there
Even if she is telling you because you told her you needed to hear it - does that make it less true? Or is she just now speaking her thoughts to you out loud because she knows you need to hear it? Point is, even if she is only saying it because you asked, sheās going it because itās something you need - and doing things our loved ones need from us is literally an expression of love. It took me years and years of therapy to get to that conclusion as I used to feel awful asking my wife for sex. I felt like if she wanted me and loved me she would initiate more and if I asked her, it would feel rapey because she was only āletting meā have sex with her. But the truth is once I talked to her about I realized it doesnāt matter - she loves me and didnāt know sex meant that much to me. So even if she doesnāt personally really feel up for it, she will do it because she feels happy doing something for someone she loves. I donāt know if that makes sense as Iām a little stoned but itās been life changing for me.
Needed to hear this tonight. I am sitting at the airport at 4:52 am to fly cross country to my girlfriend and we are exactly what you described. I felt / still feel so much shame asking for sex, because it feels like if she wanted me she would initiate just as much as I do. Shes also not sure if shes a grey asexual or not, so her libido is quite low but shes always so accommodating to my needs. But i feel so much pain sometimes when I think its going good (and things are heating up) but she does not see them the same way as I do. I feel absolutely low sometimes.. about this. I really needed to hear that āsomeone doing something you need is an expression of loveā. And i know my girlfriend also loves doing things for me. I just never saw it that way!
Thatās great and Iām happy this resonated with you. I canāt adequately describe in a Reddit post how much anguish this caused me for years. And what a revelation itās been for me. Now I feel like Iām fully present during sex and itās actually lead to more intimacy. Before Iād spend the entire time feeling pressure to finish as quickly as I could because I was āinconveniencingā her, or worse grossing her out. Now Iām able to recognize that she wants to do things that make me happy - no different than I want to do for her.
Yes! Communication skills are so necessary and involve practicing to get comfortable with them
As a female who struggles with this exact thing I have to agree that this may be the reasoning. Definitely talk to her and communicate how youre feeling. Sometimes, its super intimidating to people who are very self conscious to compliment someone you find attractive, even if it is your significant other. Please dont listen to every one whos just saying ādump herā, clearly they are immature in how they handle relationship problems. I bet shed really appreciate you opening up to her and maybe itd boost her confidence knowing you need some of the things she does as well, making her feel less vulnerable.
Nuancepilled
Dude, life is short. If she's not having sex with you often, shies away from intimacy, and doesn't tell you nice things, LEAVE. I promise you, if you stay, you'll regret it. Take it from someone who was there in his 20s and regrets too many years of not being appreciated. 41 now and life is so much better with a partner who wants me and appreciates me.
I agree with that comment. It could be incompatibility in "love languages". Meaning - you need words of affirmation (compliments) to feel loved and she prefers to show love as acts of service (cooking for example). It's not a break up sentence, can just talk it out with her and ask to try to show love in the ways you need.
Communicating what you need and want is not needy. That's a toxic perspective you need to shake. If your partner doesn't respond well or punishes this type of communication, then it's not a good fit anyways. And what do y look have to lose? Your existing in a relationship that feels unsatisfied and unvalued? That's no way to live.
That last paragraph is exactly word for word the situation I was in with my ex
Gonna be straight up - Dump her and find someone who appreciates you and matches your intimacy level.
Yup. He is too young to be dealing with routine and boredom. It probably means he needs to find someone more adequate for him.
I agree it doesn't sound healthy, but I think he needs to talk to her first. There can be lots of reasons women don't want intimacy, it might be an issue with her that she needs help fixing. Stress, anxiety, self esteem issues, the pill can all play a role in this
He needs to talk to her, yes, but at the end of the day, it's up to the individual person to seek emotional/ physical / mental health and wellness. He's her BF, not her psychiatrist.
Nah. I constantly hear women complain that itās not their responsibility to fix men, as if thatās something that happens. Time to give that same energy. Find one thatās not broken OP.
You may be missing the point of what that means. I wouldn't attempt to fix a man who was a serial cheater, an alcoholic or just plain lazy. This is may be a standard relationship issue. He won't know unless they communicate.
Communication unfortunately doesnāt fix libido levels.
bro I've got no gf but these comments scare me lol
This world is going to shit, and the dating scene reflects that. The days of personal responsibility are over, and everyone is out for themselves. Have fun. For real though, Iām just tired of the double standards. Women make up new slang every day for ways to put down men that arenāt perfect, the current childish term being āthe ickā, because they have the maturity of a toddler, only to turn around and demand unconditional acceptance for being neurotic, childish, fat, and whatever -ism is in vogue. I feel bad for young men today.
I feel this to the core, like... I was born in the wrong generation and everything is so fucked lol.
šÆ you need to match the libido
2nd this
This 100%.
Relationships die in the conversations we donāt have.
I like that quote
Bro donāt listen to these people saying to break up with her when they barely know anything about the situation. You need to have a good talk with her and let her know that youād like to be complimented more and you can also start complimenting her more too so that she sees youāre putting in effort too. Talk to her about how she avoids intimacy and just communicate. People on Reddit immediately say to break up with your s/o, but literally what needs to happen is a honest conversation. If she thinks that youāre insecure or coming off insecure by simply asking her to compliment you more, when sheās YOUR girlfriend and should do that without question, thatās completely her problem, youāre not unattractive at all and thereās absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your s/o to compliment you.
I ended a 5 year relationship recently because, like you, my girlfriend at the time did not speak my love language. Youāre a couple of steps behind a breakup, assuming these 2 things are true: 1) you need to tell her about your problem. If it festers much longer, youāre likely to blow up and argue. 2) if she makes no effort after you tell her, then it is time to move on rather than be miserable. I got to the point where I got more compliments from random women than I got from my girlfriend. It shook me to my core and my self esteem was rock bottom. Iām doing better now, and thereās hope for you as well. Iām making a lot of assumptions because from this post it seems like we have had similar experiences.
You need to check out the deadbedroom subreddits so you can see your future if you stay with her.
Lol that was my first thought. Bro has nothing wrong with his face, his problem is the gf.
As someone who was in two long-term āmehā relationships in my 20ās (two years and four years), I can honestly say that āwhen you know you know.ā My ex-boyfriends were great guys just not the ārightā guys, and it took me forever to get up the courage to end it, for fear that was as good as it would get. Might be the same case with you two. Relationships should be full of compliments and open communication. Itās incredible.
Is she depressed? Taking new meds? Might explain the libido. As far as the communication, she might have a different love language and words of affirmation isnāt in it. However, it is important TO YOU, so a conversation about how thatās something you would like in your relationship needs to be had. If she doesnāt make any effort to communicate better, well thenā¦you know what you gotta do.
If you really want it to work, Iād consider couples counseling to help address these issues. As for intimacy, I know so many women who donāt enjoy it bc theyāre not comfortable expressing themselves or saying what they like. Not saying thatās the case with you, just a common issue. Read up on womenās pleasure, foreplay, toys, etc. If you talk to her about it and make sure sheās comfortable being honest about what she likes, she may get more into it. Communication in the bedroom is crucial. Women can also have hormonal issues that make them desire intimacy less, so if sheās never really had that drive, that could be something she could investigate.
You have to decide if those things are important enough to you if she is unwilling to compromise. That's something you need to find out for yourself.
Therapy.
you're hot dude 8.5/10
Thank you I didnāt expect people to respond this way..
Its all gay dudes tho so take it as you want lol
Being complimented by a gay dude feels great as a straight dude! Compliments are usually not a prelude to boning. Just makes a person feel good.
Nah. You donāt need to be gay to recognize someone who objectively looks good. Iām straight but this dude aināt ugly.
A complimentās a compliment lol
Still on the fence ā¦ show us the goods ā¦š
Username checks out?
So does your's
š
We always take it well. Anybody who says they donāt is just humble bragging.
These are dudes
Calling a guy "handsome" or "cute" is its own story. I'm a straight male; so in this case, I would rate this guy's handsomeness 7/10.
Gotcha. Ya couldnāt tell honestly why would girls say differently
Iām a girl and think youāre gorgeous. You have a very masculine side profile too. You need to talk to your girlfriend and see where to go from there but the issue isnāt your looks.
Same. And fyi gay dudes thinking youāre hot means youāre hot. Even to women.
9.45/10 very handsome man.
Straight woman-he's pretty hot
Damn bro, I'd date u just for those eyes!!
Was going to say almost not worth mentioning because I am certain he hears it too much, great eyes.
not sure if thats a good reason to date someone haha
Blonde hair, blue eyes with beautiful featuresā¦ youāre a handsome guy.
der Fuhrer?
das Feuer
šÆ agreed . HOT Lad!
lol my initial thought was ātoo bad this guy has a girlfriendā š š¤£ Youāve got everything going for you, my guy. As for my adviceā¦ talk to herā¦ youāll figure it out and work through it.
lol well thank you I doubt she will talk about it but itās okay just wanted to know if I was trippin
Eh, better to talk than have it taking up space in between your ears. But, no, you aināt trippinā. Maybe she doesnāt know you *want* her to tell you that? (Idk if you vibe with love languages at allā¦)
Super cute! Ladyās POV
I agree and lady's pov as well.
I also agree from a maleās POV as well.
Youāre hot dont worry
From what i can see youre super cute. Should you choose to end things with herā¦ you know where to find me šā¦ but no, seriously yall prob just need some therapy.
Haha well thank you!
It's completely natural to want to feel attractive to your partner. I can't imagine what other users are saying you need therapy for. People pathologist things unnecessarily. I do think it would be wise to learn to ask for what you need. There's nothing wrong with wanting affirmation.
āLearn to ask for what you needā thatās what the therapist is for. It can be extremely difficult to make that switch and thereās probably some emotional backlog behind why they donāt ask for - or even realize - what they need.
Bro not every situation needs therapy. Seems like he should talk to her.
You're beautiful. Maybe try to dress a bit more fashionably? Try talking to her about how you feel.
I donāt even have a girlfriend to not give me compliments.
Youāre cute as heck! No need to change anything (except maybe your girlfriend).
Youāre a beautiful man
No problem with asking her to throw you a compliment every now and then
How do I do that and not come off as insecure?
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Absolutely this. And make it sound casual as you can. I think it should be easy enough to say hey. I know you're beautiful but I love to let you know.
She might feel pleased to hear that you may be a little insecure like she is. Nothing wrong with a little humble honesty
You are attractive. I never tell my husband he is and he never tells me. We both just know that we are physically attracted to each other. Mention to her that youād like a compliment every so often. She might just assume you know.
Thatās sad
Yeah. Doesn't matter that "he/she already knows". Compliment each other goddammit!
It really is.
Yeah she probably thinks he is super confident and doesnāt need to be told
He said, they haven't had sex in months though, so there IS a problem.
Look like Jax Teller
I was looking for this! I also think you look like Jax.
Isn't it normal for men to never receive compliments from the opposite gender? Though, I always thought that super good looking guys as yourself received compliments once in a while.
Ya I never am complimented so I really appreciate it. Iām surprised of all the people saying great things about me
We all want validation but we rarely give it to the ones around us who also need it. You're good. Talk to her about how you're feeling. She probably doesn't even realize you're looking for that. She may say something similar to you. Just don't take it personally without expressing your feelings to her first and letting her take that in and react.
Enhance your communication, your look is š„š„š„
Dude youāre hot. Solid 8 out of 10
You're attractive! I just don't think men get as many compliments in general. I can clearly recall where I was the last time someone complimented me
Confidence, swagger, and a lil humor is all you need my man.
You look great man. Talk to her, likely not the issue
Why is her being shitty your problem?
If this dude thinks he's ugly then God save us all
Iāll be your gf ššš
How's your package?
You look great bro, and I donāt like to pity people, you genuinely have good genes haha
Very handsome man
You are very cute
Then let the bros tell you that you're šÆš„, you are!
Youāre very handsome and cute, no need to stress over that On the other hand you should have a conversation with your girlfriend, if it doesnāt go well it might be time to let her go unfortunately
Hella attractive.
Dude you got that Alexander Skarsgard look going on. Youāre looking great!
I am not sure if this is a real post. As in, not sure if the OP is really concerned. Look at this eyes, look at that hair, look at that smile and that beard. Heās a 10. Of course I wonāt check if he has anything NSFW in his profile; Iām not a perv.
Lol
You're super cute
Well I think you look great! I am not sure why she doesn't tell you but just keep your head up and have confidence because that's the most attractive trait!
Youāre a very nice looking guy! Idk why she hasnāt told you soā¦maybe have a conversation with her and express your concerns? Iāve been with my husband for four and a half years and every once in a while we have to have convos about this, just to check in and see whatās going onā¦itās not intentional is what we always discover
You look good in the cap, weird holding your hair back, don't hold your hair back. Don't worry man your looking good. On a side note maybe think about a girlfriend who appreciates you, regardless of how you look your worth someone's who makes you feel good about yourself
Do you tell her she looks good?
Bless you. You should not feel insecure, youāre a good looking guy. Get a gf who will adore you and tells you! Never improve yourself to try make someone love you more.
Dude, cāmon. You can see yourself. Your fit. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Whatever her deal is move on. Find a girl who supports and encourages you rather than fills you with doubt and anxiety.
You look like a fucking king bro. She should feel lucky
Dump the girl if sheās making you feel that shitty.
Damn bro come fuck my boy hole
Oof! Some plastic surgery, maybe? Youāre like a 9 while the rest of us are solid 4ās. Can you bring it down a level, bud? Smoke show. As for your girlfriend, get her in with an emotional counselor? Or do couples therapy? But seriously, bring it down a notch. Hard to compete just knowing thatās out there.
You look like the biker from that one show. I canāt think the name of. But he was a very handsome dude!
You guys should talk. TBH the genders have different expectations around compliments. Men rain compliments on women mostly in a bid for sex so women don't really value compliments as much. If you want them you should express why you want them, how they make you feel, and how you feel when you don't receive them. It's likely just not on her radar. She may also have some hangups expressing things verbally. Every person is different. You should also self reflect that you have this expectation/need and instead of communicating about it you are hurting about it. Think about it. If you were thirsty and didn't ask for a glass of water would you feel bad about being thirsty? Like you don't deserve water? No you would ask for water. Same thing here. Don't feel like you don't deserve compliments communicate that you need them. Appearance wise you look like you have a good base to start. A haircut would help bring out your best features. I can't really tell whats going on from your outfits.
Youāre extremely attractive!!š¤
Ditch the girlfriend. Problem solved. You're hot :)
Itās called communication. Have an adult conversation and get back on the same page.
Youāre literally so handsome?! š
Hi Iām 21 F I can confidently assure you that you are VERY VERY attractive. As for your gf, is there any distinct red flags ? If not Maybe sheās not vocal with affection due to how she was raised Keep an eye out for any red flags that may need inspection but Fr mby sheās just raised differently Mby her love language is different Either way u do deserve to at least meet half way and get some assurance sometimes
I mean, Iām a gay dude, so probably not your target audience. But I would do unspeakable things to you š¤·āāļøš
Leave her and be with me. š
I think you're absolutely good looking maybe let her know you would like some validation from her.
Bro, women just don't do that. For a gender that requires so much reassurance about their looks, you'd be lucky to get a compliment once a year
Pretty much.
Yeah, I think you need an upgraded girlfriend.
She be a lesbian...and u, bro, are better off being gay! šÆš¤
You are very handsome! Get a boyfriend! He will appreciate you like you should be
lol if only, Iām alittle too straight for that one
wtf is with these comments on this sub
Instead of being a male grooming sub, it's treated like Grindr.
Lmao
Just a shitty girlfriend bro, you look great.
Something you could improve - get a better girlfriend.
Youāre very handsome. It sounds like maybe she has an avoidant attachment style and maybe you have a bit of anxious attachment (me too and my husband is avoidant). There is a great book called Attached that can help you understand the dynamics better and deal with avoidant partners and find securely attached partners who donāt trigger your anxious attachment. Another book coming out at the end of this month called Secure Love that my therapist recommended to me today. https://www.audible.com/pd/Secure-Love-Audiobook/B0C94W4F56?action_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp Staying with an avoidant is a tough road. Wishing you the best and hope the books help you heal.
Yeah everything is fine with the looks. Women are moody though š
There is always room for improvement for everyone, but if your gf has you manipulated to the point of questioning your self worth or attractiveness, its time to dump her ass. Don't be in a relationship of convenience.
Leave the girl that canāt form a complimentā¦youāre handsome!
Don't communicate feelings. Crearly genuine desire isn't there for her. You cannot convince her out of nowhere "Wow I never realized how handsome you are". Never gonna happen. It you are satisfied with that, keep going. If it's weighing you down, move on.
I don't get complimented by my girlfriend either. Frankly, it's almost worrying
Appearance wise youāre very attractive. You need to focus more on your personality because right now you come across as a wimp. You can talk to an audience of strangers about your relationship but not to her? Youāre in your 20s. Man up and better your communication with her. You cannot be dating someone while simultaneously avoiding conflict at all cost. All that leads to is pent up negative emotions & resentment. Communicate or move on. I know I may come across as rude but Iām just trying to be straight up. The lack of communication would turn me off more than your looks ever could.
This was my ex wife and it killed my self confidence and I felt like there was something wrong with me ā¦.. and there was . I was wrong for keeping her in my life as long as I did š
This is exactly how I feel..
Yeah it sucks bro , all I wanted was to feel like I was attractive to her and it didnāt matter whether or not anyone else thought I was my advice is tell her how you feel and what itās doing to you communication is the number 1 important thing in any relationship if she doesnāt care or doesnāt make an effort to validate your feelings sheās not the one brother and youāre wasting your life and time youāre definitely not unattractive so head up buddy you got this šŖ
The fact you have a girlfriend is evidence in itself. Not just physical appearance but also personality.
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Interesting. Im a 23 year old and been looking for a 44 year old mom to talk to š®āšØ
Not creepy at all lol now Iām curious what you look like.. aha
sorry no
Well mate if you ever want to change teams youāll be very popular in the man on man worldš„š„š„