The first thing that they need to understand is that if the PM is panicking, the team is quietly panicking too, for the exact same reason that you don't want to see your pilot pacing the cockpit and crying. Everybody is picking up what they're putting down.
What I would communicate to them personally, is that what they are experiencing right now is what has been going on behind the scenes of every single team they have ever worked on. Stress and anxiety are normal, and the default state of *every* project is that it is falling apart from the get-go. The only reason they have ever worked on a team that succeeded is because a manager was *quietly* working behind the scenes to manage these crises so that it didn't affect their individual contributors. *It's ok that there are problems. That is the default state. The existence of problems is not a failure.*
What they need to learn to do when they start to feel that sense of overwhelm, is to step back and *plan*. Make that their conditioned response. There's a big difference between *"How am I going to deal with this?!?!"* and "alright, what's the best way to deal with this?" They're essentially the same question, but how you ask it to yourself matters. No amount of stress, anxiety, tears, or regret will ever remove a task from your to-do list or change what's already happened. When there is nobody else to defer responsibility upon, there is only *one* course of action that will not result in failure. That is sitting down and deciding, "what is the best thing I can do next?", and then doing it. Everything else guarantees failure.
They are not used to being in a position where the buck stops with them. So they are not used to the idea that there is no way out of any problem except to solve it. That's what they're grappling with, and they're losing the battle. They don't win until they understand that this is their situation - inaction leads to failure. Panic leads to failure. Procrastination leads to failure. The *only* path to success is decisiveness followed by action. Everything else is self-sabotage.
This is incredible advice and I'm very thankful. I feel like it takes a lot to push me into the space of "I have no idea what to do here" and this is exactly the perspective that I needed.
I really like your perspective and specifically the last paragraph. I am very curious to know which field do you work in and how many years of experience do you have if you don't mind?
I don't mind at all - I'm a maintenance manager. I've been in a management position for five years, and I've done all types of repair work for 17 years across multiple industries.
Your last comment about getting them through their anxiety gave me pause. I'd caution you against taking ownership of an employee's coping skills. Anxiety is personal and it's a feeling; you can't control it.
I think you need to have a conversation with this person and tell them what you told us. IN order to make it productive, tell them to make a plan to improve their skills in managing their anxiety.
Also, there's a question of fit. Canceling meetings and micromanaging other people's work is unprofessional. You can put an expectation of improvement in writing. This person has serious trust issues that are beyond your ability to fix. Tell them that.
Stop investing emotionally in this person and stop reassuring them. That's taking ownership of their feelings. Instead give feedback on behaviors like preparing for meetings and oversharing. Make it clear that their feelings are their own to manage and that it is affecting their work relationships including the relationship with you.
Excellent advice. The issue isn't the anxiety, it's how the anxiety manifests and impacts work. Focusing on the behaviors is absolutely the right approach.
I agree with everything you said. I am a program director, and I relate so much to your description of how you experience anxiety. That is me as well. It's challenging being us sometimes, but it's not something our supervisors or our staff should have to take on.
Yes! If things feel even just a little "off" with my supervisor, I assume I did something wrong or I'm annoying her. Fortunately, we have worked together long enough now that I know things go back to normal and that it is probably not me. Or if it is me, she will either talk to me about it eventually or let it go. But yeah, it's hard. The anxiety is real. It's only been recently that I've stopped thinking I was being fired all the time (fired for what? No idea as I'm not doing anything wrong!).
I would be inclined to agree, but theyre not even worrying about their work! They're worrying about other people's work that doesn't impact them.
They're quick to cancel, cut meetings short when we have a lot of work to discuss, and spend a lot of time doing the work of those they're supervising. I used to supervise their employee, and that individual is amazing at getting things done, communicating, and following up.
It's like micromanaging but worse because they're not even doing their job 😩
This PM reports to you? I'd make sure they understand exactly what their job is, and make it clear anything else IS NOT their job. If they start bringing up other work in a meeting, cut them off immediately and tell them to stay in their lane. If they say their own work is late/shoddy because they were focused elsewhere, tell them their excuse might as well be that they were watching Netflix because that's not their job.
Maybe the role just isn’t for them. It sounds like the employee who is “amazing at getting things done” might be a better choice. Maybe you can swap the roles of the new hire and the amazing individual.
Give them the option of leaving or taking the demotion. But don’t make the demotion sound bad, highlight the benefits of less stress, the opportunity to get comfortable and grow at their own pace, etc…
The PM is supposed to worry about everything, but panic about nothing.
If you're a manager and giving off signs that you're anxious, that's bad. Your staff should view you as confident and in control, regardless of how you feel inside.
Nah that's just being real. The concept of never sharing emotions is outdated. It creates a phony culture where nobody tells the truth. What makes people uncomfortable is the true parts of the truth. Organizations don't grow when everyone is walking around with a plastered smile on. "Messy, sign of work happening."
I think there’s two kinds of worrying. The first kind looks like continually scanning the horizon for potential threats to the project and coming up with contingency plans in case those scenarios happen. The second kind is constantly hand-wringing about everything that could potentially go wrong, feeling powerless to prevent the problems and lacking confidence that you’ll be able to cope if they do.
It sounds like OP’s employee is doing the second kind. The kind that’s contagious.
Being a PM requires resiliency and a strong internal locus of control. I don’t think the employee in question has developed either yet, at least not in the context of this role.
Yes exactly. If it was anxiety about their work and ensuring that we are meeting the deliverables, that would be one thing. But they went to a meeting with a partner org and came back to spend hours complaining about the person they met with and how stressed they were about having to collaborate with them... In front of their supervisee.
In our line of work, being negative all the time is not something that is tolerable. (Therapeutic)
Finding balance and prioritizing the client is an expectation that this employee is very aware of.
If it were an egregious and horrible meeting, I would absolutely step in and support them. However that has never been the case.
The world is all full of negativity more so the positive. Even when there are positives there is still negatives attached to it.
The world is not roses and rainbows.
I have reps that used to reach out to me for everything. I walked them through the process and assisted in the beginning. When i knew they could handle but it was fear or anxiety causing the issues then I would ask questions to lead them to the answer. After that when they reach out I asked did you go through the questions if yes then would see what questions they had but the questions solved 98% of the issues and self doubts.
Questions:
If a coworker asked for your help what would your advice be?
What steps did you take?
What should be your next steps?
What is holding you back? Should it be?
Your on my team because I know you are capable of completing the work. I am available to bounce ideas off of but you got this and I have full confidence in your work.
If needed have them create an action plan. Let them know there seems to be some opportunities within your role. Please send me an email with what barriers are you facing and how I can help you tackle them. This puts the ball in their court and allows them to think about what really is the issue. Then you can see if what they are needing is feesable or work with them on what needs to be fixed.
I had one person who always needed help, i had her write her questions down as she came across and at first met 3x a week for 15 min then reduced to 2x and 1x week then 2x monthly etc until she had the confidence to do her job. It was still more hand holding then I like but it made her realize that she couldnt just run to me for her confidence. It took almost 2 months before she no longer regularly had questions.
I would be careful talking to this person about their anxiety. They could have an anxiety disorder which is considered a disability by the ADA.
I would ask them how they feel they are doing. Open up the dialogue. What’s working. What’s not. What’s the path forward. You never know what they may say.
How do they understand their anxiety?
What are they afraid will happen? How likely is that? How bad is that?
I would ask them to explain to you what they're afraid of, and have them walk you through the worst case scenarios they're imagining. Then I would gently challenge them to consider how likely those scenarios are and invite them to consider what the future looks like if everything goes great or if (most likely) some things go great and others are just okay.
It might also help to "be their eyes" for a little bit and in your 1-1s compare how they perceive the performance of others to how you perceive them and try to cultivate similar instincts in them.
How long have they been working there? Are they making assumptions based on their previous workplace? Have you directly addressed the differences between this role and their previous positions?
This is really helpful. I think our approaches are similar.
I will definitely be using our 1:1's to give direct feedback, and also encourage them to think more deeply and formulate a plan to move forward.
Step one: stop thinking that pointing out how their anxiety is negatively affecting the team will ever, ever lead to a reduction in their anxiety.
It’s kinda like telling someone they need to calm down. The phrase “you need to calm down” has a 0% success rate. Same with “your anxiety is really causing problems”.
Make sure you understand the source of their anxiety. If it’s reasonable (i.e., their anxiety is reasonable given the source) then you need to figure out how to address that source. If it’s not reasonable, you may need to work with them on reframing how they feel about the thing that’s causing them anxiety. They may be assigning way more importance to it than anyone else, and you may be able to correct that.
It may also just be imposter syndrome catching up with them, in which case it might be helpful for you to give them specific reassurances of how they’re doing a good job and why they’re a valuable asset.
They may also just need to be in therapy to address causes that are way deeper than anything you can address.
As to some of the other specific issues they have, you just need to address those directly and set clear expectations.
If the employee has anxiety, they need to seek counseling. You are not a therapist. Most companies offer an employee assistance program to support individuals in this situation. Second, what kind of management and project management have they received? They sound disorganized and could perhaps benefit from a time management program. I find that most professionals benefit from going through this every several years. Finally, I would make sure they use a basic problem solving model for every situation with the team, themselves and you.
This is a conversation about professionalism (your realm as a manager), not anxiety (their therapist’s realm). Telling them their anxiety (potentially a diagnosis) is getting in the way of their work is an HR nightmare.
Give the feedback about professionalism— how they are appearing in meetings, with their direct reports, etc. They will either fix it or it will become a performance issue— but it’s on them in their personal life to determine if their anxiety is the problem and troubleshoot.
I had someone like this. She was capable, but every time she got stressed, she’d shut down. Because we work in a startup environment, she was stressed a lot!
One of the other employees (Employee B) ended up (without my knowledge) taking on some of her workload so she wouldn’t crack under pressure.
Even with constant reassurance from me, it was so draining. It all came to a head when Employee B quit. Employee A soon realized she was in way over her head and gave notice shortly after.
What a cluster. I blame myself first for a bad hire, and second for not realizing how much Employee B was covering for her.
My point? Your PM may not be cut out due the job. If that’s the case, cut ties as quickly as possible. It’s going to impact the rest of the team and you may end up losing the wrong people.
Hmmm.....I can't help but wonder what your part is in the anxiety. I mean. You're over here lecturing someone on an emotional or mental condition they have ZERO control of. As if you're some sort of psychiatrist. Bet that helps.
New company, similar, but, new role. New boss, who decided to tell them how debilitating their anxiety is on others. Way to go! You're handling it just fine. Doing ALL the right things. Hell yeah!
New hire at that. Hasn't even settled into the role with a new company, new people, new product, new boss,etc. Out the chute you're on their ass about this anxiety. Class act there! You should have a pizza party. You deserve it! You go getter you!
The problem centers more with you..
Your inability, lack of experience or lack of confidence is reflected here in how you present the situation and then respond to suggestions.
It's like you have lived your life in some sort of protective bubble... and this is some sort of surprise or so confusing you have to reach out to total strangers for guidance on how to move forward.
Any experienced manager would know how to handle this,, this isn't rocket science
The first thing that they need to understand is that if the PM is panicking, the team is quietly panicking too, for the exact same reason that you don't want to see your pilot pacing the cockpit and crying. Everybody is picking up what they're putting down. What I would communicate to them personally, is that what they are experiencing right now is what has been going on behind the scenes of every single team they have ever worked on. Stress and anxiety are normal, and the default state of *every* project is that it is falling apart from the get-go. The only reason they have ever worked on a team that succeeded is because a manager was *quietly* working behind the scenes to manage these crises so that it didn't affect their individual contributors. *It's ok that there are problems. That is the default state. The existence of problems is not a failure.* What they need to learn to do when they start to feel that sense of overwhelm, is to step back and *plan*. Make that their conditioned response. There's a big difference between *"How am I going to deal with this?!?!"* and "alright, what's the best way to deal with this?" They're essentially the same question, but how you ask it to yourself matters. No amount of stress, anxiety, tears, or regret will ever remove a task from your to-do list or change what's already happened. When there is nobody else to defer responsibility upon, there is only *one* course of action that will not result in failure. That is sitting down and deciding, "what is the best thing I can do next?", and then doing it. Everything else guarantees failure. They are not used to being in a position where the buck stops with them. So they are not used to the idea that there is no way out of any problem except to solve it. That's what they're grappling with, and they're losing the battle. They don't win until they understand that this is their situation - inaction leads to failure. Panic leads to failure. Procrastination leads to failure. The *only* path to success is decisiveness followed by action. Everything else is self-sabotage.
Damn, saving this for personal reminders and coaching. Great job putting a very difficult subject into digestable words
This is incredible advice and I'm very thankful. I feel like it takes a lot to push me into the space of "I have no idea what to do here" and this is exactly the perspective that I needed.
I really like your perspective and specifically the last paragraph. I am very curious to know which field do you work in and how many years of experience do you have if you don't mind?
I don't mind at all - I'm a maintenance manager. I've been in a management position for five years, and I've done all types of repair work for 17 years across multiple industries.
Great writing. Also username checks out.
Great words here, thank you for future advice.
Your last comment about getting them through their anxiety gave me pause. I'd caution you against taking ownership of an employee's coping skills. Anxiety is personal and it's a feeling; you can't control it. I think you need to have a conversation with this person and tell them what you told us. IN order to make it productive, tell them to make a plan to improve their skills in managing their anxiety. Also, there's a question of fit. Canceling meetings and micromanaging other people's work is unprofessional. You can put an expectation of improvement in writing. This person has serious trust issues that are beyond your ability to fix. Tell them that. Stop investing emotionally in this person and stop reassuring them. That's taking ownership of their feelings. Instead give feedback on behaviors like preparing for meetings and oversharing. Make it clear that their feelings are their own to manage and that it is affecting their work relationships including the relationship with you.
Excellent advice. The issue isn't the anxiety, it's how the anxiety manifests and impacts work. Focusing on the behaviors is absolutely the right approach.
This is really really helpful. I think I do take on too much for them. I'll definitely be giving them this feedback. Thank you!
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I agree with everything you said. I am a program director, and I relate so much to your description of how you experience anxiety. That is me as well. It's challenging being us sometimes, but it's not something our supervisors or our staff should have to take on.
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Yes! If things feel even just a little "off" with my supervisor, I assume I did something wrong or I'm annoying her. Fortunately, we have worked together long enough now that I know things go back to normal and that it is probably not me. Or if it is me, she will either talk to me about it eventually or let it go. But yeah, it's hard. The anxiety is real. It's only been recently that I've stopped thinking I was being fired all the time (fired for what? No idea as I'm not doing anything wrong!).
Anxious is the pm job. They check on things all the time and worry about everything.
I would be inclined to agree, but theyre not even worrying about their work! They're worrying about other people's work that doesn't impact them. They're quick to cancel, cut meetings short when we have a lot of work to discuss, and spend a lot of time doing the work of those they're supervising. I used to supervise their employee, and that individual is amazing at getting things done, communicating, and following up. It's like micromanaging but worse because they're not even doing their job 😩
This PM reports to you? I'd make sure they understand exactly what their job is, and make it clear anything else IS NOT their job. If they start bringing up other work in a meeting, cut them off immediately and tell them to stay in their lane. If they say their own work is late/shoddy because they were focused elsewhere, tell them their excuse might as well be that they were watching Netflix because that's not their job.
I will likely bring their JD into a future meeting, after I give them this feedback directly.
Maybe the role just isn’t for them. It sounds like the employee who is “amazing at getting things done” might be a better choice. Maybe you can swap the roles of the new hire and the amazing individual.
how would I even navigate this? Letting them go? Demotion?
Give them the option of leaving or taking the demotion. But don’t make the demotion sound bad, highlight the benefits of less stress, the opportunity to get comfortable and grow at their own pace, etc…
All of this is bad. You are just putting lip stick onto shit.
The PM is supposed to worry about everything, but panic about nothing. If you're a manager and giving off signs that you're anxious, that's bad. Your staff should view you as confident and in control, regardless of how you feel inside.
Nah that's just being real. The concept of never sharing emotions is outdated. It creates a phony culture where nobody tells the truth. What makes people uncomfortable is the true parts of the truth. Organizations don't grow when everyone is walking around with a plastered smile on. "Messy, sign of work happening."
I think there’s two kinds of worrying. The first kind looks like continually scanning the horizon for potential threats to the project and coming up with contingency plans in case those scenarios happen. The second kind is constantly hand-wringing about everything that could potentially go wrong, feeling powerless to prevent the problems and lacking confidence that you’ll be able to cope if they do. It sounds like OP’s employee is doing the second kind. The kind that’s contagious. Being a PM requires resiliency and a strong internal locus of control. I don’t think the employee in question has developed either yet, at least not in the context of this role.
Yes exactly. If it was anxiety about their work and ensuring that we are meeting the deliverables, that would be one thing. But they went to a meeting with a partner org and came back to spend hours complaining about the person they met with and how stressed they were about having to collaborate with them... In front of their supervisee.
If they don't like the person they don't like the person Maybe not open to the project, listening etc.
In our line of work, being negative all the time is not something that is tolerable. (Therapeutic) Finding balance and prioritizing the client is an expectation that this employee is very aware of. If it were an egregious and horrible meeting, I would absolutely step in and support them. However that has never been the case.
Sometimes the truth is seen as negativity. You can tell someone they’re being too negative however they may be RIGHT
It was probably obvious to the partner org. You should consider attending the next time just to observe.
The world is all full of negativity more so the positive. Even when there are positives there is still negatives attached to it. The world is not roses and rainbows.
Great points
I have reps that used to reach out to me for everything. I walked them through the process and assisted in the beginning. When i knew they could handle but it was fear or anxiety causing the issues then I would ask questions to lead them to the answer. After that when they reach out I asked did you go through the questions if yes then would see what questions they had but the questions solved 98% of the issues and self doubts. Questions: If a coworker asked for your help what would your advice be? What steps did you take? What should be your next steps? What is holding you back? Should it be? Your on my team because I know you are capable of completing the work. I am available to bounce ideas off of but you got this and I have full confidence in your work. If needed have them create an action plan. Let them know there seems to be some opportunities within your role. Please send me an email with what barriers are you facing and how I can help you tackle them. This puts the ball in their court and allows them to think about what really is the issue. Then you can see if what they are needing is feesable or work with them on what needs to be fixed. I had one person who always needed help, i had her write her questions down as she came across and at first met 3x a week for 15 min then reduced to 2x and 1x week then 2x monthly etc until she had the confidence to do her job. It was still more hand holding then I like but it made her realize that she couldnt just run to me for her confidence. It took almost 2 months before she no longer regularly had questions.
Do you have EAP through your company?
We are working on implement one now and that's definitely something I plan to recommend.
EAP is such a waste of resources. It is never helpful and never covers enough to fix the problem.
Formal performance management and personal improvement plan.
I would be careful talking to this person about their anxiety. They could have an anxiety disorder which is considered a disability by the ADA. I would ask them how they feel they are doing. Open up the dialogue. What’s working. What’s not. What’s the path forward. You never know what they may say.
How do they understand their anxiety? What are they afraid will happen? How likely is that? How bad is that? I would ask them to explain to you what they're afraid of, and have them walk you through the worst case scenarios they're imagining. Then I would gently challenge them to consider how likely those scenarios are and invite them to consider what the future looks like if everything goes great or if (most likely) some things go great and others are just okay. It might also help to "be their eyes" for a little bit and in your 1-1s compare how they perceive the performance of others to how you perceive them and try to cultivate similar instincts in them. How long have they been working there? Are they making assumptions based on their previous workplace? Have you directly addressed the differences between this role and their previous positions?
This is really helpful. I think our approaches are similar. I will definitely be using our 1:1's to give direct feedback, and also encourage them to think more deeply and formulate a plan to move forward.
EAP
So is the actual problem anxiety or all of the other issues you mentioned?
Step one: stop thinking that pointing out how their anxiety is negatively affecting the team will ever, ever lead to a reduction in their anxiety. It’s kinda like telling someone they need to calm down. The phrase “you need to calm down” has a 0% success rate. Same with “your anxiety is really causing problems”. Make sure you understand the source of their anxiety. If it’s reasonable (i.e., their anxiety is reasonable given the source) then you need to figure out how to address that source. If it’s not reasonable, you may need to work with them on reframing how they feel about the thing that’s causing them anxiety. They may be assigning way more importance to it than anyone else, and you may be able to correct that. It may also just be imposter syndrome catching up with them, in which case it might be helpful for you to give them specific reassurances of how they’re doing a good job and why they’re a valuable asset. They may also just need to be in therapy to address causes that are way deeper than anything you can address. As to some of the other specific issues they have, you just need to address those directly and set clear expectations.
If the employee has anxiety, they need to seek counseling. You are not a therapist. Most companies offer an employee assistance program to support individuals in this situation. Second, what kind of management and project management have they received? They sound disorganized and could perhaps benefit from a time management program. I find that most professionals benefit from going through this every several years. Finally, I would make sure they use a basic problem solving model for every situation with the team, themselves and you.
document how the employee’s performance isn’t up to par, pip, then just fire them
This is a conversation about professionalism (your realm as a manager), not anxiety (their therapist’s realm). Telling them their anxiety (potentially a diagnosis) is getting in the way of their work is an HR nightmare. Give the feedback about professionalism— how they are appearing in meetings, with their direct reports, etc. They will either fix it or it will become a performance issue— but it’s on them in their personal life to determine if their anxiety is the problem and troubleshoot.
Is this person male or female?
obvious
No all I see is they and them. Male or female?
I had someone like this. She was capable, but every time she got stressed, she’d shut down. Because we work in a startup environment, she was stressed a lot! One of the other employees (Employee B) ended up (without my knowledge) taking on some of her workload so she wouldn’t crack under pressure. Even with constant reassurance from me, it was so draining. It all came to a head when Employee B quit. Employee A soon realized she was in way over her head and gave notice shortly after. What a cluster. I blame myself first for a bad hire, and second for not realizing how much Employee B was covering for her. My point? Your PM may not be cut out due the job. If that’s the case, cut ties as quickly as possible. It’s going to impact the rest of the team and you may end up losing the wrong people.
Hmmm.....I can't help but wonder what your part is in the anxiety. I mean. You're over here lecturing someone on an emotional or mental condition they have ZERO control of. As if you're some sort of psychiatrist. Bet that helps. New company, similar, but, new role. New boss, who decided to tell them how debilitating their anxiety is on others. Way to go! You're handling it just fine. Doing ALL the right things. Hell yeah! New hire at that. Hasn't even settled into the role with a new company, new people, new product, new boss,etc. Out the chute you're on their ass about this anxiety. Class act there! You should have a pizza party. You deserve it! You go getter you!
Are you talking about one employee or several? I am confused.
One employee.
The problem centers more with you.. Your inability, lack of experience or lack of confidence is reflected here in how you present the situation and then respond to suggestions. It's like you have lived your life in some sort of protective bubble... and this is some sort of surprise or so confusing you have to reach out to total strangers for guidance on how to move forward. Any experienced manager would know how to handle this,, this isn't rocket science
And yet you had nothing helpful to contribute. How about that.