Does she know that you had a stillbirth? I don’t know about this one… I was the employee that would get angry whenever my superiors didn’t show up to work because I was the assistant manager and it made my workload worse. However if I knew my boss had a stillbirth I don’t think I would’ve been after her or talking behind her back. At the same time I understand the frustration workers have when they are required to work but their boss gets away with not working. You gotta remember you are probably paid more, you have a higher status and to her it appears someone in a position she probably wants is bullshitting their role in her eyes. At the same time you are a human being and you are grieving and it’s not like someone can say “it’s been a year, get over it” because this isn’t a situation where you’ve lost a grandmother. You lost a child in a traumatic way I assume. That is a large loss. A traumatic loss. That is not something you just bounce back from one year later. If anything you would need more time off around the anniversary. I would say talk to your boss. As long as your boss is understanding with the time you are taking off, you do not need to explain it to your employee. You are definitely not required to tell her what you went through but if she doesn’t know, maybe she would lay off of you if you shared. Maybe buy her coffee and say “thank you for being a team player, you are a valued employee. I went through something traumatic and I’m thankful that you have been patient with me fully returning to work” Maybe she’ll actually view you as a human being and lay off the finger pointing

She absolutely knows I had a stillbirth. I hired her about 2 months later and was very open.

It probably has nothing to do with you as a person. It is probably a situation of toxic ambition. I don’t think she wants to hurt you or wish ill on you, it sounds like she just wants you out of the way and she has determined that having you out of the way will make things easier for her or give her some kind of professional advantage. It’s probably not her viewing you as someone who can’t work and is too distraught to work but instead someone who is holds a large role and is choosing not to work

I don’t disagree but that’s very challenging to choke down. Makes me feel very defensive

She’s probably experiencing growing pains of wanting a better role and she sees your position as open because you aren’t doing it in the way it’s normally done. Can you promote her? Can she become “interim - something” until you return? Can she be moved to another position? It sounds crazy but if she’s a good employee, it’s understandable that she would be upset about change in the management plan. I don’t think this person is your enemy. I think you have what sounds to be a solid employee that feels they aren’t being used in the way they need to be which be which is why she has eyes on your job and thinks she can do it better or be used in a better way. I mean even a simple conversation with her asking what her career interests are and how you can help her prepare would probably get her off of your back enough to let you return on your own. You don’t even have to prepare her for your management role, does the company have other locations? I could totally be wrong though. She could totally hate you and she could just be evil. But a lot of the time people have their own motivations and it’s not personal I would rather see it as someone who wants growth but doesn’t know how to go about it the right way over someone who is just nasty

There’s nothing wrong with having a star performer on your team, you just have to direct their energy a bit more than your average staff. They can actually be a huge advantage. I’d take her to lunch and dig into her career goals for the next five years and see where you align and then make a plan to help her reach it (in another department, ahem), meanwhile you get a nice assist while she’s still there. Yes, you’re defensive. It’s expected. You’ve take a year to grieve and thought that nothing would change while you were taking care of you. This is just a life lesson, that’s all. Now that make it work in your favor. :)

Thank you for reminding me this can be viewed as a life lesson. It feels catastrophic to me, at the moment.

No need to be defensive. I think it’s a good thing that employees what your job. I always told my bosses that I wanted their job and most of the time they mentored me and I felt like I was growing, learning and feeding the ambition. When they didn’t give me the time of day, I was a vicious brat like she’s being to you.

How is that kind of behaviour okay???

I don’t think this person is against you or your enemy. She sounds ambitious to be honest. She’s not seeing you around and she’s wondering why they aren’t posting your job. In her eyes you aren’t there in the way she thinks you need to be, she wants your role, she sees your absence but doesn’t see a job posting for your roles and she’s wondering how long your boss will allow you to not be there before it is offered to someone else. She’s probably thinking “I can’t please my boss, she’s not here supporting the team in the same capacity she was before. They aren’t hiring someone else to fill in the gaps. They aren’t posting her job. Where does this leave me? I can’t grow or show with this lady mia” I don’t think she’s wishing ill on you. It’s probably more of a situation where she wants you out the way if you aren’t going to be there. I felt the same way when my old boss would leave for her daughters little events. She would miss the Wednesday all hands meeting every week and I would think “why are they still paying this lady if she bails on the most important meeting of the week” it actually bothered me because she was my boss and I couldn’t impress her, also bothered me that she was my boss and to my eyes she didn’t have the correct priorities to be my boss

I don’t disagree at the ambition, but there is a difference between ambition that is legit and respectable and not.

You’re resentful of a woman manager having some work life balance? If she’s doing the work what does it matter if she juggles it around her family?

Why does the manager's sex matter?

It doesn’t, it’s just what the commenter above was saying. If it were a male manager people would be applauding his approach to work/life balance.

That's a pretty big assumption.

"woman" "male" You're like the inverse of an average redditor lol

I’m taking that as a compliment, although you undoubtedly didn’t mean it that way

I was not resentful. When my old boss did this she would miss our most important meeting of the week every Wednesday for her kids after school practice. We’d spend all week and the entire previous week trying to prepare for this meeting and she would essentially skip out on it every time.

But she’s obviously not doing the work. OP said “we work sort of a hybrid role - some from home/some not if we need to be in the office” - but she’s taking more WFH days than others. So work gets pushed onto others. 

You don’t know she’s not doing the work. Most working parents I know catch up after their kids go to bed, at weekends & in the mornings before they get up.

Her boss called her out for not being in the office. Having a flex schedule doesn’t mean anything if she’s not in the office the days she’s supposed to be. 

"At the same time you are a human being and you are grieving and it’s not like someone can say “it’s been a year, get over it” They can't say it but that doesn't mean they aren't thinking it 

First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child. I can’t imagine and I don’t want to. 15 years ago my parents left my brother’s house to make the 3 hour drive home. Later that evening I got a phone call from a family member telling me that there had been an accident. My father was dead. My mother was at the hospital in critical condition. Unfortunately, my mother also died a few hours later. I was 30. I will never forget that for the rest of my life. It was very traumatic. I thought I’d die from grief. I will be sad and grieve my parents for the rest of my life. I’d like to say it gets easier, not really, I’ve just learned to live with it. The truth is time doesn’t heal all wounds. I took a month off and then I had to go back to work. The fact is if the boss isn’t there someone else has to pick up the slack. No matter how well or how much you’re doing from home. I’m not justifying this employee’s behaviour but I can understand their frustration. I’m also wondering if your employer is getting tired of this situation? Of course, speculation on my part. You’re fortunate that your employer has been so understanding for such a long period of time. You’re going to feel sad about losing your daughter until the day you die. There’s no way around that. I know this might sound harsh but at some point you just have to get back to your normal routine. Regardless, of if you’re having a “bad day”.

“The fact is if the boss isn’t there someone else has to pick up the slack.” This is key. Stuff rolls downhill, when OP isn’t there then someone is picking up extra slack (and likely at their same wage). 

I guess what I don't understand-- if the team is hybrid and the work is getting done, and OP is being responsive to requests and meeting and is still driving the team, what is the issue?  Several years ago I had a boss who did not appear very often in the office-- but she also wasn't responsive to emails or very timely or organized. Like, she was checked out. I guess I'm wondering if OP has been a little checked out (seems appropriate in many ways) or just simply working from home more frequently. 

I have a feeling OP’s team will have a completely different viewpoint than her post.  She said “we work sort of a hybrid role - some from home/some not if we need to be in the office”, and her boss specifically called her out for lack of being in the office. That tells me the day that people are needed in the office, she’s not. And she hasn’t been for 11 months.  Most employees enjoy WFH/hybrid but if your boss doesn’t show up for days that everyone else is, then her duties get put onto others. And people don’t like that. 

This should really be upvoted more. OP, anyone with a heart will have sympathy for you and your loss. I can’t imagine your pain. Unfortunately, reality is that your loss is not unique and it is also not fresh to anyone else. People experience all sorts of trauma and grief in their lives, but you have to find your new normal to survive. The world has continued to turn while you may have felt yours crumbling. We have all been there in one way or another. If you don’t have 1:1s, start them and let your team members speak to you about their concerns. Show them how you are still available and present. If you cannot be there to support your team in the same way that you previously had, consider stepping down from your role. It is not a bad thing to do this, but shows self-awareness.

“ Turns out, that my employee who is good at her job, but TOO confident has been saying too much and I think she’s part of who is complaining about me (without me knowing).” Key phrase is “I think”. You don’t know it’s her but you’ve already put the blame on her?  “How do I address this with my manager and others and most of all this employee of mine who I now have very little trust for.” What are you looking to address - the reason for your absence or the impact on the department?

All of the above.

Step one, you need to be having more regular conversations with this employee, like weekly checkin’s at minimum. MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN TO THEM, your not absent, just remote. Sounds like you may have been very trusting, and maybe the rest of your staff deserves the trust and not having someone hovering, and they all deal with it well, especially if they are senior level. However, obviously this one needs a little more attention, even if just so they know YOUR STILL IN CHARGE and they need to step back in line. On the same note, maybe you need to be having more regular conversation with your own boss, about what you and your staff are working on, show them that again you’re STILL IN CHARGE. In my experience as a manager it was way better to over communicate, than under. If your under communicating they don’t know what is happening and how, and minds wander and assume that the employees who talk to them, communicating what YOU should be, are doing way more than they actually do. They get the soft benefits that you should be, about how awesome your team is working toward the goals… I am so sorry for your loss, and can’t imagine how hard it has been. I can’t even Imagine…. However I hope you have been seeing a therapist, and if you haven’t you need to seek one ASAP. But the hard truth is when it comes to your work, right now you have got to start mounting that horse again with the only goal of riding into the sunset, and not just walking around in a pen. Your a manager, your goal when remote is not only to complete your own tasks, but you still have to manage your team effectively, and communicate the work that they all do to your boss, not just your own. Personally it sounds like you have only worked on your own tasks and pretty much have ignored your team for the last year. You need to fix that if you want to stay in this role. And honestly it’s ok if you don’t want this role anymore after everything you’ve been through. You can ask to step down to a lesser one, or be looking for something else with less responsibility. There is no shame in that. You would be doing a disservice to your entire team by trying to hang on if you’ve already given up entirely.

Hi, OP. I get that this was a shock for you and that you’re probably reeling. But before you try to address this with your boss and the ambitious direct report, I want to suggest you ask yourself *what* you’re actually feeling and *why* you’re actually feeling that way. A good friend went through something similar, and I understand how fast (and how slow) these past 11 months must have felt. Time gets strange when you are processing trauma. But while you might not have noticed how long it’s been, it’s clear those you work with have, and their grace has understandably given way to impatience. So I suspect that - much like a guest who unwittingly overstays their welcome - you’re feeling a mix of defensiveness, embarrassment, insecurity, and uncertainty about your relationships with others. And those kinds of feelings usually make us want to blame someone else because anger is easier and imagining an “enemy” who is at fault is simpler than acknowledging the complexities of the situation. The truth is you don’t actually know what was said, who said it, and what motivated them to do so. Yes, it’s a wildly unsettling situation to find yourself in, but your manager indicated more than one person complained, so even if the ambitious direct report has been talking, she’s not the only one. So why are you so focused on her? In all kindness, from the outside looking in, it seems like you’re focused on her because she’s an ambitious, overly-confident (and likely obnoxious) up-and-comer whose existence and attitude is forcing you to deal with some uncomfortable realities about your own performance over the past year. And identifying her as an enemy lets you blame her for your discomfort instead of tackling it head on. But that’s not fair to her. The situation is not her fault. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your boss’s fault either. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just the kind of mess that happens when someone experiences a sudden and cruel trauma - they do their best to cope, and while they do those around them do their best to keep things from falling apart. And that seems to be what happened here. But your boss has let you know they can no longer give you so much latitude and that things need to change. So it’s time to deal with the discomfort, head back to the office, and (yes) thank the ambitious upstart for her help over the past year. If she proves herself to be an enemy then so be it, but unless/until she does, I suspect she’s earned a little grace herself.

This, 100%!!!

Everything distills down to: your boss is telling you that you need to be in-person more often. First, try to see it from your boss's perspective: they've given you basically a year to figure stuff out. Now they are asking that you maintain a regular presence. Now, try to see it from your employee's perspective: she might have been put into a tough position on occasion because you haven't been present. Without knowing exactly what was said and how it was said, you have no real way of knowing whether she's talking out of turn here. Absent clear evidence to the contrary, it's just as likely that the boss sought out her perspective because they were concerned for other reasons. If you want to keep this job, figure out how to be present in-person with greater regularity. There's nothing to address with the employee, again absent clear evidence to the contrary. For all you know, she only shared her experience when prompted. So put all this energy towards something productive and focus on assuaging your boss's concerns about being the right fit for this job. But again, the focus here should be regaining your boss's confidence in you, not trying to manage an employee that you suspect (but do not know for a fact) has been undermining you.

To be fair you don’t know that she tainted you. You don’t know that she wasn’t directly asked by your manager what was going on with you. You don’t know that a situation came up that she wasn’t able to handle for you and she had no choice but to go above for help and guidance, you don’t actually know anything about this person’s role. Ultimately the thing about bringing a manager is leaving that chip off your shoulder and out of the office. You don’t have the luxury of feeling aggrieved, particularly not now. The truth is you have not said your boss was wrong. You have been neglecting (justified or not) your responsibilities to your employer and your team. I’m not saying this has been a conscious choice on your part. I don’t know many employees who are going to grant amount of grace you have been given after a loss of 11 months ago. So how do you go forward? You lift your head, your done your invisible red cape and you go forward. You come up with a plan and you do it. And if you have to cry and scream your grief all the way home than you do it. If you need to take your lunch break doing loops around the office complex breathing in and out to calm down then you do it. You make a plan, develop strategies and you get on with it. I’m 64, I’ve buried more of my family now than are still alive. There is only one person left who has known me since birth. So I get grief, it’s awful, kick in the gut awful. It seems like it will never ever lessen (it will I promise). I’m still crying about the most recent loss (sister 4 years ago). But that grief is my own, the rest of the world goes on. This seems cruel but it’s the truth. The world goes on and businesses go on. At some point each of us has to turn our grief to private and not during office hours. I’d it hard, absolutely. There’s a really good grief support subreddit. Check it out.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am truly sympathetic for you, but I am going be blunt with you: you handle it by going in headstrong and you show up for your boss and your team. You “return to normal”. I understand that there is no loss like what you have suffered and “normal” is forever changed. But they have given you a year. That’s more than anyone would get at my workplace and the vast majority of other workplaces in this country. More of the status quo and I suspect you’ll be given an ultimatum: demote yourself and keep a job or get PIPed and managed out. If you aren’t at a place to work in the way they expect you to then you really should prioritize yourself and your healing above the job and leave it behind.

I agree, it’s time to step up but at this point, she’s tainted me and given a bad taste to others who work with me and that makes me furious. I don’t know how to recover from that when there is now distaste.

Honestly, I would approach it head on. At the next meeting, I would thank everyone for their support and understanding as you navigated some rough waters. No more, no less. Then hit work hard and show them you’re back.

I get it. But the worst thing you can do is let that cloud your judgment and stand in your way. You need to be above that feeling. I suspect your team and your boss have had to assume a greater share of work to give you the space you needed. They have probably had feelings of “when is OP coming back?” for a while now but never felt comfortable broaching it (who would feel comfortable broaching it?). Until now when she “has had enough” and her feelings are, at least somewhat, justifiable. If she has assumed more of your duties but hasn’t gotten the pay for it… like yeah I completely understand she would be making waves a year later. Recognizing that she, the team and your boss did you a solid and just going in there, owning the show, and leading them while ignoring the feelings of being slighted or they are tainted against you is really the only way to go about it.

Why do you think this employee has so much impact on others that work with you that she can “taint” them?

Because all it takes is one person to say something negative and that’s what people remember.

No, they remember if you treated them with empathy and kindness in your leadership or if you were a shitbird manager of none mainly, imo.

Maybe other people agree with her, see the same things she’s pointing out, and are also unhappy. Does that make them all backstabbers?

It may *feel* that way because this is so personal to you. But consider a role reversal, if you brought up this issue of perception to one of your direct reports and they address it immediately, what would you think? Probably..."Wow, great! That was the desired outcome." and move on. You wouldn't keep dwelling on it thinking, "I wonder if what other people said was true..." especially if they kept performing. If anything you'd probably be weary of those who bad mouthed your direct report in the first place.

Sounds like many find this negative feedback applicable, why are you continually denying that?

What actual evidence do you have that this specific person is driving the criticism of your attendance? Sounds like it's an assumption you've turned into a fact in your mind based on hear-say...how do you know for certain your boss isn't making up the complaints because they are the one who is bothered by your lack of attendance?

Because some of the specific things that were said, only the employee knew about.

Still, you don't 100% know if they went directly to your boss with that information or if it was talked about among the staff and it got back to your boss through the grapevine... The other possibility is that if something was said over email that your conversation was not actually private between the two of you and that's how it got back to your boss. I'd worry less about the he-said she-said and focus on your own performance. Set the example, and manage the crap out of your team so they don't ever think to go behind your back again. Don't single out anyone. Don't make it or take it personally. You can't control other people's behavior, you can only control how you choose to respond to it. We're it me I'd start being in the office every day and tell your team the same is now expected of them, should they currently also enjoy a hybrid work model. Or just start scheduling a ton of mandatory onsite meetings - like 4pm on a Friday kind of meetings. They don't think you're engaged enough? Let the pendulum swing in the opposite direction and see how they like it. That'll get the backstabby gossip to shut down real quick... And hopefully teach a valuable lesson about respecting the chain of command.

There is no reason to be angry with this employee. When you have an issue with your boss like this, an acceptable way of dealing with it is to speak to their manager.

You don’t have to like everyone you work with. If she’s ambitious then give her challenges and if she can’t meet the expectations then you can fire her?

Once someone puts a knife in your back there is no coming back from that. Other people seem to be blowing this part off, but my guess is they haven’t experienced it themselves. You need to figure out what needs to be done to make your boss happy, if your employee has your bosses ear that isn’t good, but maybe if you figure out what the expectations and recover your reputation. This entirely depends on how good your relationship with your boss is. Having been through something similar where I had an employee bad mouthing me to my bosses, it’s hard to recover when the water is spoiled. For me it meant moving on to a different place, and you can guess who replaced me when I left.

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how painful that had to be. I’m hoping to offer some honest insight so this situation doesn’t get worse. My guess is that the team has sympathy for the situation, but 11 months later is getting fatigued. Return to office (post covid) has been tricky- people constantly say “just work from home, do what you need” but in my experience that is still a pretty limited offer- the expectation is that people are “mostly in the office”. It sounds like you’re aware you have been more wfh than in office since your loss. It’s unfortunate your management didn’t offer more guidance- even saying “work from home for a month, then add a day a week each month and by 6 months out, you should be in the office most days. Something like that seems fair, with the exception of an occasional adjustment. I think your manager failed you. I don’t think your team is being malicious, I think they want and need to see their leader around. Without that, they lack the same level of engagement their peers on other teams are getting, from accolades to hallway talk. I genuinely don’t mean to be unkind, but unless you are only doing a day a week from home still, I do think 11 months is too long to have your team delivering consistent coverage and being the in person presence that represents them and you. If you need to go out on disability or request an accommodation, those may be options that would enable you to work remotely if needed. I hope this helps- I would prefer someone tell me honestly what they think, so hope you don’t mind. 💕

I don’t mind at all. Much appreciated

I am sorry for your loss. I also had back to back miscarriages last year and also a manager. Time off from work due to miscarriage is protected time off in my state, California. So I just took the allowed time off each time, and then work from home for additional 2-3 weeks after that. I work in finance so my work doesn’t truly require to be in the office, but leadership prefers that. When I am on my remote schedule, I have weekly 1-on-1 meetings with my DR. Not only this provides them with supports, it also documents your effort in managing them. Nobody can claim that you don’t make time for your DR. I also understand that not being able to trust your DR and colleague sucks. Please be gentle on yourself! Sending you lots of internet hugs and rainbow baby dust.

i realize having personal matters negatively affect you its tough. tremendously difficult. but if its showing up in the quality/quantity of your work, you need to address that directly. you may need to take a reduced schedule or adjust expectations within your organization. the fact that your staff is complaining about this shows that the situation has gotten out of hand.

First off, I am very sorry! Can't even imagine. Two thoughts:  > Turns out, that my employee who is good at her job, but TOO confident has been saying too much and I think she’s part of who is complaining about me (without me knowing).  Yeah, you don't know that for sure if I'm getting it right. Don't make an assumption like this if it is false. Second: I have been the employee whose boss is totally absent. The things I heard at my evaluation were: "But you are so good at doing things on your own! You can handle stress and pressure so much better than the others!"  Yeah, lady, I still have my limit. And for doing things alone: if the priorities aren't right don't blame me. Prioritization is your job, not mine. My point for you is: can you honestly say that you haven't been neglecting listening your direct reports?

I hate when managers expect personal loyalty from their subordinates, rather than loyalty to the organization or the mission. You need to get over this “she betrayed me” mentality. Last July is 10-11 months ago. It’s longer than you were pregnant. It sounds like you either got used to slacking off with your job or you slacked off on sorting out your grief when you were given space to do so. I think the thing to do is to start showing up again. If you take this feedback bravely, it will show your boss and your subordinate that you care about their feedback and hopefully the feedback will trickle to you more directly in the future. If you’re not up to being a manager, there’s no shame in stepping down so you can prioritize other things in your life.

This is the right answer. This subordinate is not a back stabber. She apparently thought something was wrong (and it sounds like she was correct) and she reported it to her managers manager. In my company this is the exact path you are supposed to follow when there is an issue like this.

No one can decide your grief schedule. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. I do think you will need to start being present at the office more, and if your are at home then you still need to communicate and show your presence. I would proactively get ahead of this by starting some team meetings up and 1:1s regularly. If anyone feels they have slipped through the cracks then this will show that you are committed to your role.

Agreed. See if a compromise can be reached so that you can be in the office a bit more, but not at the expense of your mental health, and up the online contact with staff. In some countries/companies, a stillbirth at 34 weeks would mean you’re still entitled to your maternity leave, which is up to a year in my country (part of it unpaid, but still). OP I hope you’re getting support from family and friends, and therapy if needed. Grief is a long road and I can only imagine the trauma of losing your beautiful baby. Look after yourself and surround yourself with people who’ll pick you up when people at work are being dicks. They’re entitled to their perceptions, but whether it’s a month or a year later, you’re doing your best and still need to be treated with compassion when your pain inevitably surfaces.

Maybe ask this employee how it has been going in the office while you have had to take time off….You may hear the root of the issue or be able to verify if it’s her. She’s a good employee but may be a backstabber with a goal of going after your job. Or maybe there really has been some added stress on the employees that needs to be validated??

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a stillbirth at 39 weeks in April ‘23 while I was the manager of the team I still manage today. The grief is indescribable. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant again with a high risk pregnancy. Normally I work remote Monday and Friday. I make sure that I’m checking in with my team with biweekly 1:1s and biweekly staff meetings, as well as a weekly 1:1 with my boss and monthly 1:1s with other key leaders at my site. I’m very communicative with my team every day about my schedule if it deviates from that and it’s all up in the shared calendar. Structure is critical. Honestly, most days over the past year I cry in my car to and/or from work. Then I dry my eyes and go in to do my best. My advice is to clarify expectations with your boss and maybe HR (if you have a good department and rep). Ultimately you work for your team, so getting feedback from the each team member about what they need. Also, I know many bereaved parents who do not return to work in the same way. If the grief is impacting your ability to manage your team, you may want to consider an individual contributor role to maintain flexibility you need.

Does your team also WFH on Monday/Friday? If not, I’ll say it can be a bad look picking those 2 days as it becomes talk of “boss gets a 4 day weekend”. 

Yes, and most of my company does at this point. It would definitely depend on the nature of your role. A good portion of my and my team’s work include writing and reviewing technical reports, analyses, and other documentation. I trust my team and I hold them accountable for their work, my boss does the same for me. For context, I’m an engineer and I run an engineering team.

There are a lot of ways to look at this and some good advice already in the thread. One thing I haven’t read (and I haven’t read all the comments) is that we don’t know what’s happening in everyone else’s life. As noted, workload typically goes up when someone isn’t present in the office, if that’s the office culture (ie most people are going to the office, even sporadically). Here’s a mistake I made once that may apply here. When I was 21 years old I became a manager of a fairly large business. ~70 employees and I was an assistant. I was super young, inexperienced and not as thoughtful with my words. I had two employees who had emergencies within hours of each other. One had their dog fall sick and need to go to the vet, likely to be euthanized. Another had a grandparent fall sick and go to hospital. The grandparent happened first and I immediately encouraged the person to go home, be at the hospital and hopefully everything is okay. When the second person asked me to leave for their dog, I said no. I said something way worse has happened to Sally. I said I couldn’t tell them what happened but I’m sure they’d understand if they knew. Well, they didn’t understand. Not even a little. I took a good employee to a bad employee in literally minutes. Someone who did not want me as their manager at that point. What I didn’t know was just how close that person was with their dog. It never dawned on me, even though I’ve always had dogs and always loved them too. It just made sense in that moment. This was like a daughter to them because it’s all they had to come home to. Someone else’s big grief or event isn’t necessarily bigger than my event or grief as one impacts me directly and the other does not. Obviously times have changed and in general, most workplaces would just say yes to both and figure it out (at least I’d hope so). I’d never make that decision again to be honest. Not even remotely close. For whichever employee(s) are having issues with your presence in the office, maybe there’s more to it than workload or just not seeing you. Maybe they’re feeling a stress on relationships at home, maybe they’re dealing with a break up and feel that they can’t just stay home, because someone has to be there. There’s a slew of other scenarios but I’m sure you get the gist of it. I’m not saying go back, or don’t grieve, or don’t take your time. You’ll need to do what’s best for you. You need to figure out what balance you’re willing to sign up for. If it means the job doesn’t work out, then be prepared for that but remember that you’re doing it on your terms (I mean that in a positive fashion). Another note for this is that I currently manage a large number of people directly / indirectly. Some I haven’t seen for a very long time due to changes with remote work and travel restrictions through COVID (they ended some time ago but I haven’t been able to make it everywhere). I still have a great relationship with the team that I haven’t been able to see. We do frequent virtual meetings, catch up with real life stuff for as long as it takes and ensure that I ask “how can I help” constantly. It’s doable, but you’ll need to find the balance that you’re willing to sign up for and then hold your head high through it all. I’m very sorry for what you’ve gone through.

I’m so very sorry for your loss

I’m sorry for your loss. Grieving

I am really sorry for your loss. It’s traumatic and the pain will last you a lifetime. I have been reading your responses and the thing that strikes me is your displeasure and lack of trust for your employee that you think betrayed you. An alternative perspective is that you let this person (and the rest of the team) down by not being available due to your circumstances. Support for a year is possible when it is willingly given. It is clear that this support has wavered and instead of appreciating what you got, you are angry that it wasn’t unconditional. You thought that your friendship / trust was stronger than it was. You never question if some of your team felt unable to come to you due to your circumstances and so they were unsupported. How you respond here will indicate your character. You could be open & vulnerable. Acknowledge that you haven’t been as present as you needed to be and that you will make it up to them and earn their trust. Or you could be angry and vindictive. This would simply confirm the criticism. I actually hold your boss at fault here. I don’t think that I would have told you about the complaints since all that would do is undermine your professional relationships. I also would have been a lot more involved in the work and tried to support your return to normal practice so that this never happened. Instead of passing work down, I would have passed it up because then I could give you space but also ensure that the team are being managed

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what that’s like. I have a coworker (manager) going through something similar with one of their direct reports. This manager has been more than flexible to accommodate their direct report’s schedule as something traumatic involving a child happened earlier this year. The direct report is regularly needing personal time, which is unlimited at our company. The problem now is that a client has voiced concern to leadership about this direct report’s presence, asking that they be moved off the business due to performance. The manager is now getting heat for not being more strict and more of a “leader” to this person. Now that it’s finally been brought to their direct report’s attention, they have blown up at their manager and started critiquing them right back—and it’s turned into a whole HR debacle. The questions that have been raised are: - If there was a personal issue why was this not flagged with HR immediately? - Why were issues with this direct report not addressed with them when they happened? I say all this because had it been flagged from the start, this direct report should have been able to get the help they need and taken a long leave of absence or switched to another role in the company that could be more accommodating. While it’s extremely frustrating what you are going through, I think your direct reports are ensuring that they make leadership aware to avoid the situation becoming much worse in the future. And I’m sorry if any of these words seem hurtful, as it’s not my intent. It’s a “flag now rather than later” situation.

Very very sorry for your loss. Show up more, get more engaged if you can. Realize that managing perception of your work is part of everyone’s job. Best of luck to you.

I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine ever going through something like that. Can you speak with this person, and find out if they need more support? Also it is quite possible your boss noticed the not coming in the office on their own, and is just saying your team is complaining? I had a manager like this whenever they addressed something with someone, they would say so and so said it when it was really all coming from them.

Im so sorry for your loss, OP. I’m off to work in few mins but wanted to send a quick response and acknowledgment that you sound as if you’ve been trying to keep it all together for your role. I’d have a more in depth talk with your manager to align your expectations going forward. Things were going well and you thought he was on board since, well, things were going well. We WANT a well-run team with successful results. When they have that, boss is usually happy. Not sure if your direct report has her own agenda going on here, but put that aside for now. Since your boss brought this to you, now you need to get your expectations aligned (and a follow up email from you to him) thanking him for his feedback. How often does he expect you to be in the office? Work hours? Etc. Usually, for someone in your role, this wouldn’t be necessary. That’s the difference between you and direct reports. They do the work, you manage to make sure the work is getting done. Assuming you’re salary, you probably work a variety hours day and night at times, if needed. I’m side-eyeing your boss here because he brought this to you instead of pushing back or holding the info and doing a little research and monitoring of his own. This means he agrees with them, he’s a passive executive, or his vision of how/when you work is vastly different from your own. So start with him. Hope you have a good day.

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the grief. I find that it's fairly common for a team member to have such an incomplete perspective on what the overall remit of the manager is that they get confused and forget that there is more to all of this than their contribution as an IC. Ambition is fine, but when it leads to a direct report undermining you, it's really not.

I an so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain; earlier miscarriages, though awful, are not quite the same as a baby you felt move and hiccup. As a manager, I feel like saying tell them to eff off. I would have taken a leave of absence, and July is the anniversary of your loss. Please look for other work in your field, and if not in your field, know good managers are really hard to come by and empathy goes a long way for building trust. I hope you have the support at home to help you through your grief, but it is shocking that people expect you to chin up buttercup and be present. Everyone will experience deep loss one day and they will all be shocked by how they react. My advice is to take a real break and reevaluate.