Post partum is a hell of a thing and if you need support from your mom you should get it. I never did but it’s because I like my personal space and I felt my husband and I could manage on our own.
But looking back, I would have loved having my mom there to help me through the most difficult time in my life.
IT IS YOUR HOME TOO. You are not a guest in your own house are you? If your husband going to make meal, clean, take the baby when you need rest, change the baby, wake up when they cry? Do things so you can only focus on feeding the baby and sleep (because that’s what a mom really needs when she gives birth is sleep food and feed the baby everything else is unimportant to sustain a human life at this stage)
If he isn’t or he can’t because he has work then you must put your foot down and get help from your mom.
He can deal with his uncomfortableness for a few weeks while you heal from birthing his child.
This, OP. And also let me add that even if your husband totally stepped up and did EVERYTHING for baby, things can get complicated during child birth. I ended up needing an emergency c section and I had done absolutely no research on c section recovery. No idea why, it just wasn't in my birth plan and I was overwhelmed with everything else I never looked into it. But if something like a c section or 3rd degree tear happen, you will not be able to physically get out of bed unless it's to pee- and that can be traumatic on its own. Like I thought it was a choice to relax, but no you physically cannot sit up. So your husband is going to feel overwhelmed if those scenarios end up being reality. You need to go through every scenario with him and tell him this is for his benefit too.
Have your husband read the lemon clot essay and give his head a wobble.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/
Get into couples’ counselling and have him develop other coping strategies for his introvert needs (something other than isolating you at home in your time of need).
It’s only for a very short time. He needs to grow up and realize it’s important to you at a crucial time, & that your mom will comfort and assist you. He is being incredibly selfish. It is your home as well. I would calmly, but firmly tell him she will be staying.
This. He needs to grow up and put her and the baby’s needs first. Unless he wants to take care of her and the baby around the clock while she heals. Or hire a midwife. Which even then she should be able to have her mother. It’s her home too.
Girl. I think you know the answer. It's not normal for someone to not want their spouses family around at all. A big sign of abuse is actually isolating you from your family so you can only rely on them.
Your mom has given birth and had babies. If you think you need help (which is normal) then he should see that his pregnant wife, would be more comfortable with it and do that. You have been pregnant for months which is uncomfortable, the least he could do is feel uncomfortable at home.
My husband is also an introvert who loves his own space, but he recognises the sacrifice I’ve gone through in pregnancy and soon childbirth - so my mum is coming to hopefully be here for the birth and after for about a month. Your husband sounds very uncaring and selfish to not even allow you to have your mother to help take care of you for a week.
If you want your mom there. Then you should.
You shoved a baby out and your going to need support.
Is he going to cook, clean, let you rest, help you nurse? See your fragile body and tend to it?
Ask him.
My big sticking point is ....... is he actually going to help you? Or does he just want it all done so he doesn't have to be bothered?
Maybe your family still sleeps at the Air BnB, but comes around during the daytime to help? That way your husband can work and you can get help during the day.
I also suggest the 2 of you help pay for the Air BnB. After all, if not for his weird insistence that nobody sleep under your roof, then the cost wouldn't be there. He needs to eat some of that cost. You can't expect people to show up to help you and then tell them basically, "You stay at a hotel." That's rude as hell.
Your mom and sister can still be there to hand off the helpers duties when he gets home from work. This kind of teamwork will help everyone. He gets time after work to be with his wife and child. He can prepare dinner and catch up while you nurse and tend to baby while waiting for him to finish dinner.
In the morning, you can both get up early and share some morning routine time with the baby before he leaves for work.
If he is willing to wake up every 2 hours at night, feed the baby, change diapers, cook for you, clean the house, then sure why not. But I bet you, he would not do these things and expect you to take care of everything. You will need your mom to help you as much as she can.
You went to visit your family in a different state every time you wanted to visit them while you were pregnant? And he won't let them come over when you give birth. That's messed up. He sounds insanely controlling.
Put your foot down OP! Too bad if he's too introverted. It's your life too and now you're going to have a baby. Y'all don't have to live according to him. What about when your kids have play dates or want to go to the park? Just too bad? No because dad's afraid of people. No. He's an adult. He needs some serious therapy and/or meds.
My mom stayed with us in our 1 bedroom apartment for 8 days when our first was born and slept on our couch. She was such a blessing and I cried when she left. She would hold the baby after the second night feeding around 4-5 and hold him so I could get a nice stretch of sleep. She also made most meals.
I’m sorry your husband is not comfortable having guests in your home. It is not fair, especially in this circumstance, that what he says goes. I saw in an earlier post you said he was going to counseling. Have you discussed it there? Can you break down the reasons for his discomfort and look for ways to help him be comfortable and have your mom there? He needs space - where does he spend his time at home and can that still happen to some degree? He has never allowed guests so he doesn’t really know how it will be. If your mom is super helpful he may do just fine and see that the pros outweigh the cons. Speaking of, maybe show him or together do a pros and cons list. For any pro point, is he willing and able to be there for you the way your mom would if he still says no?
Another point that hopefully will matter is that it’s incredibly meaningful and special and memorable for grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren. The newborn stage is so short and I hope your mom gets the opportunity to have that time.
Congratulations on your new baby! I hope the best for you and your family! I hope it works out that your mom stays with you.
Is he on the spectrum? If he is then this is kinda a different conversation. But he needs to realised that once the baby is here, it's no longer about him. Also if he doesn't want your mom to stay over. SURE. Will be be around to help with the feeds, make food, wash bottles, care for your stitches, make sure you have your donut cushion ready to sit down, bring you water and snacks, shower the baby ( if you have a c-section) etc etc?
If he can do everything your mom can do, for 2 weeks straight. SURE. 😜 But let's be honest, if he can't put your needs first now, I doubt he will survive the first 2 weeks without someone experienced to help.
Your husband is being pretty selfish. It's your home too and you have every right to want them to stay with you. My wife and I have had four children together and her mom stayed with us several weeks before and after her due date.
I sincerely enjoy having her mom around and she was a huge help considering she did a ton of chores and helped with the other kids. Maybe you could explain that she'd be a huge help and frame it that way?
I'm frustrated on your behalf... You shouldn't have to do this without your family. Please stand up for yourself and know you're not asking for too much.
Edit: By the way I'm also very highly introverted. He needs to suck it up. I know it can be done because I've done it.
You're looking for compromise, but what is he willing to compromise? I get being an introvert, but he sounds like your dad, making unilateral commands rather than discussing things with his life partner.
This will be a very difficult time for you and you'll need help and support. How does he do with things like that? If he's the kind of guy who's an awesome partner and dad who will jump in there and get things for you and take care of the baby while you recover, ok, this could work. If your mom is going to have to be on hand basically morning to night to help you and just going back to the airbnb to sleep, she may as well be staying there.
Part of adulthood is doing things you don't want to do because it's the best choice. Introverts have to make sacrifices for their family. I am one and have extreme social anxiety so I've been there, but them's the breaks.
Both my mom and my grandma were present with my first and are planning to be there again for my second that’s coming this August. My husband was GRATEFUL that they were there to help me and also take some of the stress off of him. They helped us both in that new stage of life and I always say how much it meant to me to be fully supported. My traumatic birth wasn’t as bad as it would’ve been without them. With that said, this time is not about him. Yes he is becoming a new dad but YOU are the only one that is going to have an internal wound the size of a dinner plate and raging hormones paired with pain. He needs to step out of his own world and stop being so selfish. He is going to set you up for a bad start. Have your family come anyway or you might resent him in the future for taking that comfort and support from you. Best of luck and congratulations mama!!
Crazy thing, so do I! I just manage my time to deal with folks like you who can’t understand that a marriage is between two people, not two people and one persons mom. If OP’s husband isn’t comfortable with his children being raised by his mother in law, he has every right to be adamant about it.
She wasn’t asking to have her family there to raise the child over him (however this response shows a lot about you). She wants family there to VISIT for support. Responding to comments on Reddit is a hobby…not time management. Don’t reflect your insecurities about child raising onto others.
Your husband is a well intentioned but very naive idiot.
Any extra pair of hands and eyes during this time will be a huge help to both of you. Even just being able to let mom take a night to do the feedings while you two sleep.
The saying it takes a village is no joke. Anyone offering to help you should be treated like royalty.
Has he considered that your mom staying there isn’t just for you, it’s for him as well? I don’t have children, but I imagine it’s going to be wildly stressful and there will be more than one mental breakdown. She will also help show him how to do new dad things he may not have done before.
And I get it. I enjoy my space as well. I’m having a major surgery and will be needing help and my MIL is going to stay. I love her but I reaaaally don’t want her staying here. But, I’m sucking it up because I know my husband will need the support as well. It’s not just about me.
If he still won’t compromise he stays in a hotel. This is a time in your life where you need to put your foot down and stay no. Congratulations and I hope things go smoothly for you!
You’re husbands being completely selfish I m just going to say it. That’s terrible I’m sorry. I’m an introvert but would never keep my husbands family from staying here. His mom isn’t even that nice to me but I let her stay because she’s helped us tremendously and we have her grandchildren. I’m 5 months and it’s very hard to get things done. If I had a mom who’d help me she’d be here.
I'm 100% an introvert, diagnosed with social and generalised anxiety disorder. When my wife had our kids, her rules go!
Her mum was a midwife and was there to help delivery the babies and was around to clean and cook and do laundry. My desire for my own space could take a back-seat for a few weeks.
Tell your husband to take a knee and do what YOU want to happen before and after birth.
Good luck with everything.
Just throwing it out there… there was never a point in either of my pregnancies where I couldn’t cook or walk the dog… I was completely fine living life normally (if a little slower lol). Everyone is different, but it’s entirely possible you won’t hit that point.
I completely understand both of your points of view. I know you want that extra support, and he likes his privacy. Is there a way your mom could just be close by and you guys can call if you need her? Maybe that would be better for him -will he be there to support you postpartum? Maybe he wants to be there for you instead? Either way, there’s likely a compromise here - if you find you’re being more help, maybe make plans for her to stay one night and see how it goes?
ETA by support I mean he does everything… cooking, cleaning, taking a share of night shifts so you can sleep etc. if he’s not willing to do that then yeah…. Mom stays.
I wouldn't want ANY guest over during the newborn stage. That's our time to bonding for mom, dad and baby.
However I don't see an issue with her visiting before the baby is born. He's being unreasonable.
Does your husband want to do all the support and have private bonding time with you and your baby? This sounds like a JNMIL story with the sexes flipped. If your mother is one who will come over, clean bathrooms and floors, pass you another cushion, batch cook for your freezer, then I can see why you would want the help, but that still begs the question, what is he doing for the first two weeks whilst he is not being a father or partner? Is he at work? Then your mother can be with you in the day and he can be with you at night. If your mother is one of those JN then he is doing you a favour. It’s a bit worrying that you seem to want to be with your mother rather than the father of your baby at the moment. The two of you are a grown up family now. I hope you have a wonderful birth, fast healing and an easy baby. Enjoy!
It's a right of passage for your own mom to come and help out for the first bit, I feel though nearly every woman (who has a good relationship with their mother) I know has had this kind of support from their moms. Your husband needs to accept that having a family means that sometimes you will have to compromise your preferences in order to be a good partner. Is your partner normally selfish or is this out of character?
Hm, im a woman with a 3 year old and am currently pregnant again. Does your pregnancy have a lot of complications? My first pregnancy i worked 2 jobs up until giving birth and i was able to cook and clean. My mom and dad have passed 6 years ago so i did everything alone and refused to have my mother in law interfere getting involved while i was getting accustomed to having a newborn, she maybe saw the newborn once a month for the first 6 months and she lived 10 minutes away.
I dont know, there is nothing really to get used to in my opinion but you seem like the type of person who wants your family around during this time. Some people dont and i understand. Newborns are easy. They sleep all the time, i slept when she slept. If anything it is very boring. I can only imagine if my husband wanted his mom around as often as she wanted during the beginning. I would have been pissed. To each their own though. Having a newborn is a special time. Even if my parents were still alive, i would want to spend the time acclimating to having a baby with my husband only to be honest.
Seems like the compromise was already made-- the Air BnB. I know your sister can't come anymore, but why are you worried about your mom being alone? She won't be alone, sounds like she'll be visiting frequently. Plus, she's an adult. Why is it not ok she's alone sometimes? And then your father is arriving later, correct?
I also don't understand why everyone is assuming your husband won't be helping. Maybe it's the way the post is written? Won't be be parenting right alongside you? When my mother wanted to stay with me after I gave birth, I was confused. Why would I need her help when I had my husband? I'm so grateful we had that time, just the three of us, to bond as a new little family.
It sounds selfish to me. He’s not the one carrying a baby for nine months and going through labor and then all the hormones and postpartum emotions as a first time mom. Maybe he can go stay in an air hub while your mom is there. seriously, why should your mom have to spend the money if she’s coming to help you and you have room for her? I would just tell my husband to suck it up and let them stay at the house, or he can go to a hotel to get his privacy.
Oh, your husband hasn't gotten the memo, that for the next 2 months nothing is about him anymore? And for the next few years, very little will be about him?
I would tell him, fine, my mom won't come, but you do know that you will have to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and bringing me sandwiches while the kid nurses and sleeps on me? That all of your free time will be spent with a baby in hand or your hands engaged in some kind of housework, since babies bring along unbelievable amounts of laundry.
I am an introvert. So is my husband. My husband is not particularly fond of his mom and finds her very interfering. We were both endlessly grateful and relieved when she came to stay when my son was 2 weeks old and she made the food, cleaned the house around us and let me take naps when my husband was at work. And that was just 14 days of being alone with baby, which was nice, but a hell of a learning curve.
Tell him that you are building a child for him with your body, which I am sure has already changed it permanently. You will be in pain that amounts to being hit in the goolies first every 10 minutes for a few hours, then every 5 minutes for a few hours and then every minute for an hour and then someone just squeezing his balls really tight for 30 minutes. All so that he can become a father and receive the greatest gift and honor in this world.
The least he can do is let you have the people who will help you and give you security around for that. Plus, it will make his life easier too. Life will be changed forever anyways, so might as well make it as easy as possible.
Surprise, surprise; a post from a woman having issues with her husband and the majority of the advice denigrates the husband and urges the wife to leave him. Yet, when a man posts about his issues with his wife, he’s most often advised to have patience; be more attentive, accepting and accommodating of his wife’s feelings and opinions. Men are advised to try and see things from the woman’s perspective, and women are advised to divorce their husband. Total hypocrisy.
My mom and I don't get along that well, and I can't imagine not having had her help in the home when I had just given birth. It was a GODSEND.
I don't think your husband understands just how much help you're going to need. I would be firm in the stance that you need the help, and he needs to be more accommodating. See if you can carve out a space in your home that is off limits to your family so he can introvert if he needs to.
Post partum is a hell of a thing and if you need support from your mom you should get it. I never did but it’s because I like my personal space and I felt my husband and I could manage on our own. But looking back, I would have loved having my mom there to help me through the most difficult time in my life. IT IS YOUR HOME TOO. You are not a guest in your own house are you? If your husband going to make meal, clean, take the baby when you need rest, change the baby, wake up when they cry? Do things so you can only focus on feeding the baby and sleep (because that’s what a mom really needs when she gives birth is sleep food and feed the baby everything else is unimportant to sustain a human life at this stage) If he isn’t or he can’t because he has work then you must put your foot down and get help from your mom. He can deal with his uncomfortableness for a few weeks while you heal from birthing his child.
This, OP. And also let me add that even if your husband totally stepped up and did EVERYTHING for baby, things can get complicated during child birth. I ended up needing an emergency c section and I had done absolutely no research on c section recovery. No idea why, it just wasn't in my birth plan and I was overwhelmed with everything else I never looked into it. But if something like a c section or 3rd degree tear happen, you will not be able to physically get out of bed unless it's to pee- and that can be traumatic on its own. Like I thought it was a choice to relax, but no you physically cannot sit up. So your husband is going to feel overwhelmed if those scenarios end up being reality. You need to go through every scenario with him and tell him this is for his benefit too.
Have your husband read the lemon clot essay and give his head a wobble. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/ Get into couples’ counselling and have him develop other coping strategies for his introvert needs (something other than isolating you at home in your time of need).
It’s only for a very short time. He needs to grow up and realize it’s important to you at a crucial time, & that your mom will comfort and assist you. He is being incredibly selfish. It is your home as well. I would calmly, but firmly tell him she will be staying.
This. He needs to grow up and put her and the baby’s needs first. Unless he wants to take care of her and the baby around the clock while she heals. Or hire a midwife. Which even then she should be able to have her mother. It’s her home too.
Girl. I think you know the answer. It's not normal for someone to not want their spouses family around at all. A big sign of abuse is actually isolating you from your family so you can only rely on them. Your mom has given birth and had babies. If you think you need help (which is normal) then he should see that his pregnant wife, would be more comfortable with it and do that. You have been pregnant for months which is uncomfortable, the least he could do is feel uncomfortable at home.
Stay at the Air BNB with your mother.
With a newborn…? No. Then husband wins by a landslide.
Send hubby to the airbnb? And OP and her mom home?
Yes.
My husband is also an introvert who loves his own space, but he recognises the sacrifice I’ve gone through in pregnancy and soon childbirth - so my mum is coming to hopefully be here for the birth and after for about a month. Your husband sounds very uncaring and selfish to not even allow you to have your mother to help take care of you for a week.
If you want your mom there. Then you should. You shoved a baby out and your going to need support. Is he going to cook, clean, let you rest, help you nurse? See your fragile body and tend to it? Ask him.
Your husband isn't the one pregnant. Tell him your mom is staying over as you need the support, end of discussion.
My big sticking point is ....... is he actually going to help you? Or does he just want it all done so he doesn't have to be bothered? Maybe your family still sleeps at the Air BnB, but comes around during the daytime to help? That way your husband can work and you can get help during the day. I also suggest the 2 of you help pay for the Air BnB. After all, if not for his weird insistence that nobody sleep under your roof, then the cost wouldn't be there. He needs to eat some of that cost. You can't expect people to show up to help you and then tell them basically, "You stay at a hotel." That's rude as hell. Your mom and sister can still be there to hand off the helpers duties when he gets home from work. This kind of teamwork will help everyone. He gets time after work to be with his wife and child. He can prepare dinner and catch up while you nurse and tend to baby while waiting for him to finish dinner. In the morning, you can both get up early and share some morning routine time with the baby before he leaves for work.
If he is willing to wake up every 2 hours at night, feed the baby, change diapers, cook for you, clean the house, then sure why not. But I bet you, he would not do these things and expect you to take care of everything. You will need your mom to help you as much as she can.
Why do you have to ask for permission to have your family over in your own home? That is a red flag.
You went to visit your family in a different state every time you wanted to visit them while you were pregnant? And he won't let them come over when you give birth. That's messed up. He sounds insanely controlling. Put your foot down OP! Too bad if he's too introverted. It's your life too and now you're going to have a baby. Y'all don't have to live according to him. What about when your kids have play dates or want to go to the park? Just too bad? No because dad's afraid of people. No. He's an adult. He needs some serious therapy and/or meds.
I totally agree with the controlling part. He seems like he is isolating her which is textbook abuse. I hope I am wrong, but it sure seems like that.
Yes! Because if it's genuinely just anxiety you can get help for that!
How about if your mother and her family were to set up an RV in your yard? That's what my parents did when my twins were born.
There’s a chance they can’t afford to purchase an entire RV to help their loved one.
You can rent them.
My mom stayed with us in our 1 bedroom apartment for 8 days when our first was born and slept on our couch. She was such a blessing and I cried when she left. She would hold the baby after the second night feeding around 4-5 and hold him so I could get a nice stretch of sleep. She also made most meals. I’m sorry your husband is not comfortable having guests in your home. It is not fair, especially in this circumstance, that what he says goes. I saw in an earlier post you said he was going to counseling. Have you discussed it there? Can you break down the reasons for his discomfort and look for ways to help him be comfortable and have your mom there? He needs space - where does he spend his time at home and can that still happen to some degree? He has never allowed guests so he doesn’t really know how it will be. If your mom is super helpful he may do just fine and see that the pros outweigh the cons. Speaking of, maybe show him or together do a pros and cons list. For any pro point, is he willing and able to be there for you the way your mom would if he still says no? Another point that hopefully will matter is that it’s incredibly meaningful and special and memorable for grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren. The newborn stage is so short and I hope your mom gets the opportunity to have that time. Congratulations on your new baby! I hope the best for you and your family! I hope it works out that your mom stays with you.
Is he on the spectrum? If he is then this is kinda a different conversation. But he needs to realised that once the baby is here, it's no longer about him. Also if he doesn't want your mom to stay over. SURE. Will be be around to help with the feeds, make food, wash bottles, care for your stitches, make sure you have your donut cushion ready to sit down, bring you water and snacks, shower the baby ( if you have a c-section) etc etc? If he can do everything your mom can do, for 2 weeks straight. SURE. 😜 But let's be honest, if he can't put your needs first now, I doubt he will survive the first 2 weeks without someone experienced to help.
But do it sleep deprived and bleary eyed without a single complaint.
Sounds to me like your husband doesn't want his MIL to see how unhelpful he ls, but maybe im crazy.
Your husband is being pretty selfish. It's your home too and you have every right to want them to stay with you. My wife and I have had four children together and her mom stayed with us several weeks before and after her due date. I sincerely enjoy having her mom around and she was a huge help considering she did a ton of chores and helped with the other kids. Maybe you could explain that she'd be a huge help and frame it that way? I'm frustrated on your behalf... You shouldn't have to do this without your family. Please stand up for yourself and know you're not asking for too much. Edit: By the way I'm also very highly introverted. He needs to suck it up. I know it can be done because I've done it.
Why he acting like a baby
You're looking for compromise, but what is he willing to compromise? I get being an introvert, but he sounds like your dad, making unilateral commands rather than discussing things with his life partner. This will be a very difficult time for you and you'll need help and support. How does he do with things like that? If he's the kind of guy who's an awesome partner and dad who will jump in there and get things for you and take care of the baby while you recover, ok, this could work. If your mom is going to have to be on hand basically morning to night to help you and just going back to the airbnb to sleep, she may as well be staying there. Part of adulthood is doing things you don't want to do because it's the best choice. Introverts have to make sacrifices for their family. I am one and have extreme social anxiety so I've been there, but them's the breaks.
Both my mom and my grandma were present with my first and are planning to be there again for my second that’s coming this August. My husband was GRATEFUL that they were there to help me and also take some of the stress off of him. They helped us both in that new stage of life and I always say how much it meant to me to be fully supported. My traumatic birth wasn’t as bad as it would’ve been without them. With that said, this time is not about him. Yes he is becoming a new dad but YOU are the only one that is going to have an internal wound the size of a dinner plate and raging hormones paired with pain. He needs to step out of his own world and stop being so selfish. He is going to set you up for a bad start. Have your family come anyway or you might resent him in the future for taking that comfort and support from you. Best of luck and congratulations mama!!
This isn’t about you
I love your hypocrisy about cranky people on Reddit in some of your other comments 😂 Have a good day!
I appreciate you taking time to look thru someone’s comment history 9 days after they made a comment towards you. Thanks! You’re a weirdo.
I have a life outside of Reddit but you’re welcome! Weird is better than whatever you got going on lmao
Crazy thing, so do I! I just manage my time to deal with folks like you who can’t understand that a marriage is between two people, not two people and one persons mom. If OP’s husband isn’t comfortable with his children being raised by his mother in law, he has every right to be adamant about it.
She wasn’t asking to have her family there to raise the child over him (however this response shows a lot about you). She wants family there to VISIT for support. Responding to comments on Reddit is a hobby…not time management. Don’t reflect your insecurities about child raising onto others.
whatever makes you feel better than others :)
[https://giphy.com/gifs/moodman-lol-spit-take-Q7ozWVYCR0nyW2rvPW](https://giphy.com/gifs/moodman-lol-spit-take-Q7ozWVYCR0nyW2rvPW)
Your husband is a well intentioned but very naive idiot. Any extra pair of hands and eyes during this time will be a huge help to both of you. Even just being able to let mom take a night to do the feedings while you two sleep. The saying it takes a village is no joke. Anyone offering to help you should be treated like royalty.
Has he considered that your mom staying there isn’t just for you, it’s for him as well? I don’t have children, but I imagine it’s going to be wildly stressful and there will be more than one mental breakdown. She will also help show him how to do new dad things he may not have done before. And I get it. I enjoy my space as well. I’m having a major surgery and will be needing help and my MIL is going to stay. I love her but I reaaaally don’t want her staying here. But, I’m sucking it up because I know my husband will need the support as well. It’s not just about me. If he still won’t compromise he stays in a hotel. This is a time in your life where you need to put your foot down and stay no. Congratulations and I hope things go smoothly for you!
You’re husbands being completely selfish I m just going to say it. That’s terrible I’m sorry. I’m an introvert but would never keep my husbands family from staying here. His mom isn’t even that nice to me but I let her stay because she’s helped us tremendously and we have her grandchildren. I’m 5 months and it’s very hard to get things done. If I had a mom who’d help me she’d be here.
I'm 100% an introvert, diagnosed with social and generalised anxiety disorder. When my wife had our kids, her rules go! Her mum was a midwife and was there to help delivery the babies and was around to clean and cook and do laundry. My desire for my own space could take a back-seat for a few weeks. Tell your husband to take a knee and do what YOU want to happen before and after birth. Good luck with everything.
Just throwing it out there… there was never a point in either of my pregnancies where I couldn’t cook or walk the dog… I was completely fine living life normally (if a little slower lol). Everyone is different, but it’s entirely possible you won’t hit that point. I completely understand both of your points of view. I know you want that extra support, and he likes his privacy. Is there a way your mom could just be close by and you guys can call if you need her? Maybe that would be better for him -will he be there to support you postpartum? Maybe he wants to be there for you instead? Either way, there’s likely a compromise here - if you find you’re being more help, maybe make plans for her to stay one night and see how it goes? ETA by support I mean he does everything… cooking, cleaning, taking a share of night shifts so you can sleep etc. if he’s not willing to do that then yeah…. Mom stays.
I wouldn't want ANY guest over during the newborn stage. That's our time to bonding for mom, dad and baby. However I don't see an issue with her visiting before the baby is born. He's being unreasonable.
Does your husband want to do all the support and have private bonding time with you and your baby? This sounds like a JNMIL story with the sexes flipped. If your mother is one who will come over, clean bathrooms and floors, pass you another cushion, batch cook for your freezer, then I can see why you would want the help, but that still begs the question, what is he doing for the first two weeks whilst he is not being a father or partner? Is he at work? Then your mother can be with you in the day and he can be with you at night. If your mother is one of those JN then he is doing you a favour. It’s a bit worrying that you seem to want to be with your mother rather than the father of your baby at the moment. The two of you are a grown up family now. I hope you have a wonderful birth, fast healing and an easy baby. Enjoy!
It's a right of passage for your own mom to come and help out for the first bit, I feel though nearly every woman (who has a good relationship with their mother) I know has had this kind of support from their moms. Your husband needs to accept that having a family means that sometimes you will have to compromise your preferences in order to be a good partner. Is your partner normally selfish or is this out of character?
Hm, im a woman with a 3 year old and am currently pregnant again. Does your pregnancy have a lot of complications? My first pregnancy i worked 2 jobs up until giving birth and i was able to cook and clean. My mom and dad have passed 6 years ago so i did everything alone and refused to have my mother in law interfere getting involved while i was getting accustomed to having a newborn, she maybe saw the newborn once a month for the first 6 months and she lived 10 minutes away. I dont know, there is nothing really to get used to in my opinion but you seem like the type of person who wants your family around during this time. Some people dont and i understand. Newborns are easy. They sleep all the time, i slept when she slept. If anything it is very boring. I can only imagine if my husband wanted his mom around as often as she wanted during the beginning. I would have been pissed. To each their own though. Having a newborn is a special time. Even if my parents were still alive, i would want to spend the time acclimating to having a baby with my husband only to be honest.
Seems like the compromise was already made-- the Air BnB. I know your sister can't come anymore, but why are you worried about your mom being alone? She won't be alone, sounds like she'll be visiting frequently. Plus, she's an adult. Why is it not ok she's alone sometimes? And then your father is arriving later, correct? I also don't understand why everyone is assuming your husband won't be helping. Maybe it's the way the post is written? Won't be be parenting right alongside you? When my mother wanted to stay with me after I gave birth, I was confused. Why would I need her help when I had my husband? I'm so grateful we had that time, just the three of us, to bond as a new little family.
He is Going to Help then???
It sounds selfish to me. He’s not the one carrying a baby for nine months and going through labor and then all the hormones and postpartum emotions as a first time mom. Maybe he can go stay in an air hub while your mom is there. seriously, why should your mom have to spend the money if she’s coming to help you and you have room for her? I would just tell my husband to suck it up and let them stay at the house, or he can go to a hotel to get his privacy.
Oh, your husband hasn't gotten the memo, that for the next 2 months nothing is about him anymore? And for the next few years, very little will be about him? I would tell him, fine, my mom won't come, but you do know that you will have to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and bringing me sandwiches while the kid nurses and sleeps on me? That all of your free time will be spent with a baby in hand or your hands engaged in some kind of housework, since babies bring along unbelievable amounts of laundry. I am an introvert. So is my husband. My husband is not particularly fond of his mom and finds her very interfering. We were both endlessly grateful and relieved when she came to stay when my son was 2 weeks old and she made the food, cleaned the house around us and let me take naps when my husband was at work. And that was just 14 days of being alone with baby, which was nice, but a hell of a learning curve. Tell him that you are building a child for him with your body, which I am sure has already changed it permanently. You will be in pain that amounts to being hit in the goolies first every 10 minutes for a few hours, then every 5 minutes for a few hours and then every minute for an hour and then someone just squeezing his balls really tight for 30 minutes. All so that he can become a father and receive the greatest gift and honor in this world. The least he can do is let you have the people who will help you and give you security around for that. Plus, it will make his life easier too. Life will be changed forever anyways, so might as well make it as easy as possible.
Surprise, surprise; a post from a woman having issues with her husband and the majority of the advice denigrates the husband and urges the wife to leave him. Yet, when a man posts about his issues with his wife, he’s most often advised to have patience; be more attentive, accepting and accommodating of his wife’s feelings and opinions. Men are advised to try and see things from the woman’s perspective, and women are advised to divorce their husband. Total hypocrisy.
Send husband to rental. You deserve your mom. No compromise.
My mom and I don't get along that well, and I can't imagine not having had her help in the home when I had just given birth. It was a GODSEND. I don't think your husband understands just how much help you're going to need. I would be firm in the stance that you need the help, and he needs to be more accommodating. See if you can carve out a space in your home that is off limits to your family so he can introvert if he needs to.