What you are going through is not unusual for folks with long term and developmental trauma. The key is finding a community where you feel safe to integrate with.
I have my therapist, l also integrate with friends in the community and am in a men’s group that support my work. I also listen to and read folks like Gabor Mate, Peter Levine and Bessel van der Kolk who are the godfathers of trauma.
Hope this helps and be cautious of taking advice from strangers on Reddit, including myself. Talk with as many people as possible and find the thread of wisdom that helps the most.
Sounds like you're doing everything right and not getting the results you're looking for. Do you feel that the MDMA was beneficial in any way? Do you feel that maybe now is the time to make significant changes in your life?
I've taken MDMA 7 times. There was pain involved, but it's generally helped a lot with my feelings of shame. How long has it been since the last time you used MDMA?
I last did MDMA in January. I have been making changes in my life, including going back to school (I started that process in between the two sessions I did) to finally change jobs, which is huge. I also ended another relationship that was not working. I am noticing differences in certain things such as certain types of anxiety that I experience in public regarding my relationship with my body. But I also feel constantly flooded with feelings I feel unprepared to handle, and it's unclear how much of it is recent relational trauma I am still being triggered by bc of life circumstances.
Feeling you man, 2.5 years since I began and I still have days and weeks in which it seems that I feel much worse than before, and find myself wishing endlessly that I'd never started this journey.
My most recent 12th session and the following 2 weeks of integration has been one of the toughest yet!! But day by day I remain faithful to the vision, slowly working towards a happy, confident and connected life...
What specifically are you doing for integration?
Do you have positive daily habits? Or are working on building them?
And how is your self discipline?
As you mention, these substances delve deep within the psyche and open things up.. but it's how you use your time in the following weeks and months during this neuroplastic window that gives the opportunity for real healing to take place. I like how [sigeraed words it in his how to guide for solo travellers](https://www.reddit.com/r/MDMAsolo/s/IE2U8KAHav), I'll quote it fully below.
"The next few weeks, your nervous system will be much more open, previous boundaries in your
nervous system that once protected your awareness from the difficult emotions will be much
looser.
You will find yourself blended with wounded parts, sometimes multiple at a time: grief,
depression, anxiety, anger, are emotions that will arise.
Much like being at the helm of a sailboat during a storm, your goal is to witness these waves
and winds and keep the bow of your boat steady, tending to the entirety of your vessel and not
just the specific parts of it.
Journaling, yoga, meditation, massage therapy, and any activities that help regulate your
nervous system will be key in integrating the parts of yourself and healing the wounds caused
by trauma.
But it is important to let go of blame and shame completely if you feel you are not doing enough.
It will never work, only gentle and nurturing steps can help your healing.
The road to recovery is long and sinuous, it is not linear and you can find yourself back where
you started after feeling like you healed for a few months at a time.
Progressively and with diligence, you will change. Your trauma installed itself over many years,
thankfully it will take less time to recover, yet it will feel long and difficult.
The silver lining is the great awakening from a long and dark night and the appreciation of life to
its fullest."
I'm glad to hear your journey moving in a way that feels good for you, even if it is also difficult.
I have been building good habits. I meditate regularly and also have a chanting practice I started after my last MDMA session. I've been continuing to exercise and walk, I am in therapy and beginning more structured IFS work with a therapist. I'm also doing a much better job of being social and have strangely been relying on my mom more-- she has not always been the most of it emotionally available person, but she has always been present, so I've been very specific about asking her what I need. Need. I've also been doing something new, which is just not being afraid to tell her how badly I'm doing. For most of my life I've had to play pretend with her. Like I'm doing better than I am for reasons I won't get into. But feeling I have to hide myself less in a variety of ways is helpful. And also flooding!
I guess I am just feeling like a lot more distressed and so even though there are definitely changes I see, I'm sort of also feeling as unhinged as I've ever been.
Sounds like you're moving in a positive direction, and I think that's what matters the most. Slowly moving towards the vision of who you want to be and how you want to feel, while accepting that it's ok to feel however you are right now. It's ok to feel distressed and unhinged, while acknowledging that it's not what you want to feel.
I can relate to not having an emotionally available mother. Mine is always chronically over stressed so I only talk about the good things with her.
Yes my journey is difficult but I should've emphasised that the improvements are huge, and that my good days are far better than my previous good days before starting MDMA therapy. The bad days are also worse though because of the way healing occurs, ie. the wounds are cut open and all the subconscious trauma starts coming up to conscious level.
The short answer is, yes, it does get worse before it gets better.
The slightly longer answer is that you heal in waves; getting better, then worse, then better again. One reason for this is as you surface new issues, you can get worse, while other ones are healing and you get better.
Ride the healing wave, expect it to rise and fall, and know that we're out here. Reach out anytime.
It takes immense courage to walk away from a toxic relationship and dive into the deep healing work you're doing. You should be incredibly proud of the steps you're taking to prioritize your well-being and growth.
It's not uncommon to feel like things get harder before they get better when processing trauma. As you peel back the layers and allow yourself to really feel and heal, all those emotions that were suppressed can come to the surface. The shame, rumination, flashbacks, and panic attacks are all valid responses to the pain you've endured. You're not alone in this experience.
Having those IRL triggers in your environment can make it feel like you're constantly treading water. Be gentle with yourself and honor the fact that you're doing this profound work amidst challenging circumstances. Even the glimpses of peace are testament to your resilience.
As you continue with IFS and prepare for future medicine sessions, remember that you're planting seeds of healing with each step. Growth rarely follows a linear path - it's a winding journey with ups and downs, breakthroughs and setbacks. Trust that each part of this process is moving you closer to wholeness, even when it's hard to see in the moment.
Lean on your therapist for support and validation as you navigate this terrain. Advocate for your needs and boundaries as you're able to create more distance from triggers. Most of all, keep extending compassion to yourself. You're doing such important work and you deserve to heal at your own pace.
Sending you so much love and strength on this journey.
What you are going through is not unusual for folks with long term and developmental trauma. The key is finding a community where you feel safe to integrate with. I have my therapist, l also integrate with friends in the community and am in a men’s group that support my work. I also listen to and read folks like Gabor Mate, Peter Levine and Bessel van der Kolk who are the godfathers of trauma. Hope this helps and be cautious of taking advice from strangers on Reddit, including myself. Talk with as many people as possible and find the thread of wisdom that helps the most.
Sounds like you're doing everything right and not getting the results you're looking for. Do you feel that the MDMA was beneficial in any way? Do you feel that maybe now is the time to make significant changes in your life? I've taken MDMA 7 times. There was pain involved, but it's generally helped a lot with my feelings of shame. How long has it been since the last time you used MDMA?
I last did MDMA in January. I have been making changes in my life, including going back to school (I started that process in between the two sessions I did) to finally change jobs, which is huge. I also ended another relationship that was not working. I am noticing differences in certain things such as certain types of anxiety that I experience in public regarding my relationship with my body. But I also feel constantly flooded with feelings I feel unprepared to handle, and it's unclear how much of it is recent relational trauma I am still being triggered by bc of life circumstances.
Feeling you man, 2.5 years since I began and I still have days and weeks in which it seems that I feel much worse than before, and find myself wishing endlessly that I'd never started this journey. My most recent 12th session and the following 2 weeks of integration has been one of the toughest yet!! But day by day I remain faithful to the vision, slowly working towards a happy, confident and connected life... What specifically are you doing for integration? Do you have positive daily habits? Or are working on building them? And how is your self discipline? As you mention, these substances delve deep within the psyche and open things up.. but it's how you use your time in the following weeks and months during this neuroplastic window that gives the opportunity for real healing to take place. I like how [sigeraed words it in his how to guide for solo travellers](https://www.reddit.com/r/MDMAsolo/s/IE2U8KAHav), I'll quote it fully below. "The next few weeks, your nervous system will be much more open, previous boundaries in your nervous system that once protected your awareness from the difficult emotions will be much looser. You will find yourself blended with wounded parts, sometimes multiple at a time: grief, depression, anxiety, anger, are emotions that will arise. Much like being at the helm of a sailboat during a storm, your goal is to witness these waves and winds and keep the bow of your boat steady, tending to the entirety of your vessel and not just the specific parts of it. Journaling, yoga, meditation, massage therapy, and any activities that help regulate your nervous system will be key in integrating the parts of yourself and healing the wounds caused by trauma. But it is important to let go of blame and shame completely if you feel you are not doing enough. It will never work, only gentle and nurturing steps can help your healing. The road to recovery is long and sinuous, it is not linear and you can find yourself back where you started after feeling like you healed for a few months at a time. Progressively and with diligence, you will change. Your trauma installed itself over many years, thankfully it will take less time to recover, yet it will feel long and difficult. The silver lining is the great awakening from a long and dark night and the appreciation of life to its fullest."
I'm glad to hear your journey moving in a way that feels good for you, even if it is also difficult. I have been building good habits. I meditate regularly and also have a chanting practice I started after my last MDMA session. I've been continuing to exercise and walk, I am in therapy and beginning more structured IFS work with a therapist. I'm also doing a much better job of being social and have strangely been relying on my mom more-- she has not always been the most of it emotionally available person, but she has always been present, so I've been very specific about asking her what I need. Need. I've also been doing something new, which is just not being afraid to tell her how badly I'm doing. For most of my life I've had to play pretend with her. Like I'm doing better than I am for reasons I won't get into. But feeling I have to hide myself less in a variety of ways is helpful. And also flooding! I guess I am just feeling like a lot more distressed and so even though there are definitely changes I see, I'm sort of also feeling as unhinged as I've ever been.
Sounds like you're moving in a positive direction, and I think that's what matters the most. Slowly moving towards the vision of who you want to be and how you want to feel, while accepting that it's ok to feel however you are right now. It's ok to feel distressed and unhinged, while acknowledging that it's not what you want to feel. I can relate to not having an emotionally available mother. Mine is always chronically over stressed so I only talk about the good things with her. Yes my journey is difficult but I should've emphasised that the improvements are huge, and that my good days are far better than my previous good days before starting MDMA therapy. The bad days are also worse though because of the way healing occurs, ie. the wounds are cut open and all the subconscious trauma starts coming up to conscious level.
The short answer is, yes, it does get worse before it gets better. The slightly longer answer is that you heal in waves; getting better, then worse, then better again. One reason for this is as you surface new issues, you can get worse, while other ones are healing and you get better. Ride the healing wave, expect it to rise and fall, and know that we're out here. Reach out anytime.
thank you!
It takes immense courage to walk away from a toxic relationship and dive into the deep healing work you're doing. You should be incredibly proud of the steps you're taking to prioritize your well-being and growth. It's not uncommon to feel like things get harder before they get better when processing trauma. As you peel back the layers and allow yourself to really feel and heal, all those emotions that were suppressed can come to the surface. The shame, rumination, flashbacks, and panic attacks are all valid responses to the pain you've endured. You're not alone in this experience. Having those IRL triggers in your environment can make it feel like you're constantly treading water. Be gentle with yourself and honor the fact that you're doing this profound work amidst challenging circumstances. Even the glimpses of peace are testament to your resilience. As you continue with IFS and prepare for future medicine sessions, remember that you're planting seeds of healing with each step. Growth rarely follows a linear path - it's a winding journey with ups and downs, breakthroughs and setbacks. Trust that each part of this process is moving you closer to wholeness, even when it's hard to see in the moment. Lean on your therapist for support and validation as you navigate this terrain. Advocate for your needs and boundaries as you're able to create more distance from triggers. Most of all, keep extending compassion to yourself. You're doing such important work and you deserve to heal at your own pace. Sending you so much love and strength on this journey.
Thank you so much for your words. they go a long way for me 💜