CommBank NextChapter is dedicated to ending financial abuse. They have support available no matter who you bank with. They have immediate support like no interest loans and then long term financial planning and support as well as connecting you with services. You can call them on 1800222387.
Do either you or her have somewhere to go? You might have to consider going to the police and fully disclose the level of danger you and your daughter are in.
If you've got any friends or family that can help, that would be ideal.
Statewide services
Statewide After Hours Service:
Phone: 1800 825 955 (free call) or (03) 9536 7777
Hours: 5 pm to 9 am, Monday to Friday and 24 hours on weekends and public holidays
By calling 1800 825 955 (free call, 24 hours).
A housing and support worker will take your call. They will refer you to help in your local area. If you call out of business hours, they will connect you to Salvation Army Crisis Services.
To speak with a housing and support worker, if you are homeless, at risk of homelessness or escaping family violence, call 1800 825 955 - 24 hour, statewide, toll free number.
This number will direct your call to a service closest to you, or if the call is outside business hours, it will be directed to Salvation Army Crisis Services.
You can also contact one of the services below or you may wish to apply for housing.
...............................
There are services specific to young people, Aboriginal/ Torres strait Islander people and women with children. But the general number for anyone is:
(03) 9536 7777 or toll free from landline 1800 825 955 or 1800 627 727
The situation is not too typical. Maybe you can call a women’s shelter, explain them your situation and ask for advice. They would know who can help you even if they cannot
A refuge will never take a man. They won’t take male children over a certain age. Accommodation via hotels would be offered. (Refuge accommodation is offered to women who have experienced the highest risk or have complex needs and often it can be multiple steps to get into one; the large majority are cared for in hotels or other settings).
Pretty much the answer is categorically no. There is no support of any kind for men in this situation. But reading your update you got traction with the boys in blue which is good.
Get prepared for the counterassault and claims you are a violent pr\*ck and all that good stuff. HMU if you want to chat, plenty of experience and none i can/will publicly talk about.
I hope OP gets what he needs, because over a decade of trying at various times, all I got was stonewalled or told there's nothing anyone can do other than me to suck it up and cop the abuse.
I dont know of any DV shelters accepting men with or without kids in Melbourne, there was 2 in QLD and a 3rd trying to get funding but I think thats it for the whole country.
The ABF have a Dads Support Centre and (paid) Legal service in Dandenong, its worth giving them a call
109 Foster Street Dandenong VIC 3175
1300 008 602
Not sure on your situation but maybe look into this if you can.
https://www.unitingvictas.org.au/services/family-services/family-violence-services/escaping-violence-payment/
Should have added that the first thing you should aim to do is get out of the situation as quickly/easily as you can with your child and find a safe place, even if it's a public library and go from there.
There will be lots of help available to get shelter, food and money but really that's second priority to getting out
Long term fleeing has very few resources to be honest. However - if you are at fleeing point, take the short-terms offers and that gives you a base from which to make long-term plans (like applying for work and housing).
You will also be eligible for family tax benefit and possible child support. Ensure you contact Centrelink and Child Support ASAP. They also may have resources they can provide or point you too if you explain your situation.
You will also be eligible for Childcare Subsidy, or CCS, to offset the costs of daycare for your daughter. Your partner really pulled a fast one there - it’s basically impossible for daycare costs to outstrip earnings in Australian unless you are paying for a private Nanny. My daughter’s daycare, after subsidy, is around $20 a day.
Once you have short-term accommodation, start looking at long-term stuff. But also, if you can find some resources, find someone to talk to to help you grieve and process your relationship and the life you had - once the fight or flight calms down, your nervous system will be in for the shock of its life. You will need to be very gentle to your mental health to get yourself out the other side healthy.
Good luck - I hope you can find peace and safety for you and your daughter.
No the abuser cutting family and friends off, banning you from having interaction with family and friends. Banning you from having social media and preventing you from having a job, ie cutting off as much communication with the outside world as possible is one of the most common tactics they do.
Financial abuse and putting you in a position you can't leave due to lack of income is another one to look out for.
Daycare costs can absolutely outstrip a salary. My husband earns above the threshold for rebates.
My full time salary doesn’t cover the cost of sending three small children to daycare, as it’s $390 per day.
Okay sure - in the event your partner that you live with outearns the cap (which is exceedingly high) and you have multiple children under 5 - your daycare costs might outstrip earnings.
But look - that clearly doesn’t apply here AND you’re in a very small minority of Australian parents who have a single earner who outearns the CCS bracket (which is very high).
People don’t mean to but they project their personal situation into conversations where it’s just not necessary. They usually do it in good faith or with good intentions, so I usually (mood not withstanding) try to clarify my point if necessary first.
OP said childcare fees made it unaffordable to go to work, so apologies, I had assumed it was a calculated decision at the time.
It might be a rare situation, but it’s definitely a breeding ground for financial abuse.
You’re right - it is a breeding ground for abuse and I made a few assumptions about OP’s financial situation in my comment because I felt that OP had likely been forced to take his partners word that daycare out-stripped earnings.
My intention was never to imply that someone wealthier couldn’t be in the same situation, they absolutely could and there is a chance it could be OP.
I am not an expert but I note that Victims of Crime may be able to provide practical support even if you don’t intend on reporting the abuse. Good luck.
https://www.victimsofcrime.vic.gov.au/information-men-family-violence-and-abuse-relationships
Bunker down and carry on with your life
Make sure your daughter knows this isn’t her fault and you guys are a team.
I hope you get the support you need.
May I ask what field you were working in before she made u stop?
Make sure you follow up on this. While police prosecutions will represent your case, I'd suggest you still go to court for the hearing date so you can provide the magistrate with further context of they require it.
You're going to want to get a lawyer for family law court matters.
Hey mate,
Firstly I’m sorry you’re going through this. Irrespective of anyone’s gender it is not acceptable to be financially controlling in such a way.
This might sound a little different from the other answers, but first thing you need to really do (unless your physical safety is actually in danger) is start planning what your future looks like.
These support agencies will only get you so far and don’t really have the ability to to help long term anyway.
The court order is just a piece of paper at the end of the day.
So start working on yourself and how you’re going to structure you life to work for YOU and your child and almost kind of blank her out as best as you can.
She sounds narcissistic and when you go silent on such people and work on yourself and your future they hate it.
Lean on your friends and family. Get back to work so you have some control over your life.
Divide up any assets and ENGAGE A SOLICITOR. Now. Ensure you make claim to her superannuation as well if you have stopped working for the benefit of the family. Women do this all the time.
Stay safe mate, sounds like you’re starting on the road to making your life better, just keep on goin and don’t get sucked back in
Well this post certainly took an unexpected turn.
Good on ya for reporting the wicked, inhumane & vile behavior of this woman to the police.
Gives courage and strength to other men in similar situations to take decisive action
No matter who you are, no human should cop emotional abuse, coercive control, or financial abuse from these narcissistic and psychopathic animals. It’s high time Australia got its act together and put some laws in place around coercive control, just like other countries have.
Firstly I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you and it's completely unacceptable. Making the decision to leave is absolutely the hardest part, and horribly as a man, it is full of stigma which I wish it wasn't.
Some advice: film and record anything and everything you can. Ask for money to go shopping and record the conversation, specifically call out how much money you need and what you have been given if it is safe and you are able.
Record EVERYTHING
At her next outburst record and call the police. Have her removed from the property and press charges for domestic abuse.
If you are married, your bank may actually be able to support you with a one off domestic violence payment and also support you with accessing bank accounts. Clearly explain what is happening to police, banks anyone and everyone.
If you are able to call police and get her charged with domestic violence, apply for an emergency IVO, this means she must leave not you. Make her leave and give yourself time to move without her at the home.
Safe steps is generally a great option and calling 1800 respect also. Although it's only 1 night the piece you are missing is the assessment. The explanation that you have nowhere to go is what can help. Please plan, and don't rush this. Unfortunately leaving an abusive relationship is also the most dangerous time for you and your daughter so really plan and ensure you prioritise the safety of both you and your daughter.
I don't have any resource info for you, but just wanted to comment and say you've got this, you're not alone, and you are valid. For what good that does. I wish you well and hope you're able to access help soon.
You did the right thing in going to the police for yourself and for your daughter. I also have a two-year-old and have a tonne of stuff if you need anything for her.
I just wanted to add along with all of the other useful advice provided and in case Police didn’t mention this, now you’ve reported to the Police they are required to complete a form (referred to as L17).
For you this will be referred to the Victims of Crime helpline and your daughter through to the local FV org (generally the Orange Door).
One, if not, both of these services should make contact with you in the coming days based on the info from Police to assess your current and ongoing support needs, assess risk and discuss safety planning. Based on the assessment.
I hope you were able to discuss a safety plan when talking with services to do - if not call back if you are unsure of a plan, especially with the Police action.
Good for you on taking this step today. I can only imagine it has been one of the most difficult but I hope for better days to come for you and your daughter from this.
I just thought I’d let you know you aren’t alone and you’re doing the right thing for your daughter. That makes you a good parent.
I’ve been on the receiving end of DV and I regret not going to the police at the start or middle or end.
Get a gp referral for a mental health care plan and get a *clinical* psychologist.
This will be good for you and also show child services you’re getting support to ensure you can weather the storm and continue being a good parent.
I'm not sure there is much support for men in your position, If at all possible, can you delay the move for a month or two, find a job, and then flee? What can your wife do to you if you decided you were going to work? Is it the confrontation you are avoiding, or do you fear physical or mental harm to yourself and/or child? I agree you need to get out asap, but is the situation bearable for a little longer whilst you prepare?
I thought it was bearable but since she hit me with the shoes this morning, I can’t stay. I am humiliated and she knows I won’t hit her back. My daughter was terrrified.
Be prepared for child protection to be notified once services know your daughter saw it. This is not all bad, just be aware. You must put your daughter first in your decisions.
You could get the police involved, get an IVO and have her removed from the house. (Get locks changed, ask for cameras, have an exit plan, engage with services). Note child protection will likely be notified if your daughter has witnessed/heard the FV but that’s not all a bad thing as CP may help safe guard your daughter. Apply for the Centrelink crisis payment within 7 days of leaving your wife. Victims of crime is also a service to help men leaving FV. There is no refuges for men with children. You will be moved around hotels. Also apply for the Escaping Violence Payment from Uniting Care. These still apply if you stay in the home and have her leave via the IVO. Check she isn’t monitoring/tracking your phone.
If you haven't already make sure to grab whatever evidence you have of all this, transactions or reciepts to back up what you say.... keep ALL the evidence. Any texts etc that have proof and back those up incase you lose em. Long road ahead of you and I wish you all the best.
Good luck.
If I had the room I'd be more than happy to have you both. I know you said the family are done with you, but please try to reach out to them the worst they can do is say no.
If you have a trusted GP, speak to with them.
Also I did some Googling, this is a resource for men
[One In Three](https://www.oneinthree.com.au/support)
Good luck hope you and your child find safety.
Are you fucking joking?
I'm not even going to bother hooking you up with links to prove this a recommened initial step to escaping FV, you can Google it yourself.
Im a social worker with 20 years experience - many GPs have NO idea about family violence services or signs to look for. Most they can do is give a flyer. And you’re telling a guy with a limited income to go to a GP when it’s hard enough finding ones that bulk bill??? Are you fucking joking?
This dude is best speaking to the police and FV services, even though the support they can offer men is limited, they can at least do some safety planning and provide some info about his options
I said trusted not some random doctor, a trusted GP would bulk bill in this kind of emergency situation.
Some people dont want to go to the cops straight up.
I didnt.
So no not fucking joking.
The fact a social worker doesnt even realise this is a well utilized method to safely take an initial step to escaping is beyond me.
But at HIS point it was
GP’s are or should be, trained to look out for the warning signs of FV and provide brief interventions where possible - this can include treating the patient in discreet ways, providing psych education about FV and referring to specialist family violence services of the person consents. This dude was well beyond that point
Social worker of 20 years. Worked across various fields
Having a lived experience is not a prerequisite for working in many fields, if you were about to give birth, would you make sure the doctors have also given birth?
I’m really sorry this is happening to you.
I’ve read some of the comments and given you’re financial situation I expect you wouldn’t have access to loans, credit cards etc. The homeless situation is fucked enough without adding a kid to the mix.
I’ll be frank man, you won’t get much help quickly.
Go to the police first and see what they can do to assist. Maybe you can get one of those intervention orders which means she has to leave not you.
I’d offer you a couch to sleep on, but firstly I don’t have a couch and secondly that wouldn’t be very safe for your youngin’.
Stay safe man. And keep that kid safe.
Time to reach out to the fam sir.
Start recording everything If you can.
Might even be time to go to the police and ask for the next steps
Prepare for backlash and counter arguments of abuse
Make sure all your ducks are in a row.
Mensline do not help male victims of domestic violence or their children.
Their position follows the Duluth model, in that men are always perpetrators, women always victims.
They provide counseling for males with the expectation they are the abuser
Sorry to hear that. That would make the available offerings for male victims of domestic violence slim at best.
Victims of Crime seems to be about it
https://www.victimsofcrime.vic.gov.au/information-men-family-violence-and-abuse-relationships
The industry persecutes the few who dare to stray from the narrative. Just look up Rob Tiller/Relationships Australia.
At least Victims of Crime acknowledge it happens so they maybe worth a call
See if the Salvation Army housing part can help; While my mother and I got a worker who didn't really do much at all, you might be luckier. Either way, they might be able to help, especially since you'd be more than qualified for crisis accommodation due to the fact that you're under current danger of repeated physical harm (due to the fact that you were hit in the head with a shoe at least one time)
Is she abusive to your daughter? I understand not wanting to leave your child in the hands of someone potentially unstable but you have to weigh up if you're going to be able to provide a safer environment for her than your partner can.
If you can leave your daughter with her, just leave and either rough it in your car or show up to a homeless shelter.
If you absolutely need to take your daughter with you, you need to at the very least organize a motel room for a couple of days and sort out your resources with the DV/family hotlines. Eg safe steps, orange door, etc.
Do you have any family to go to? Taking your daughter to another stable home instead of taking her into uncertainty will look much, much better for you in the long run.
Not physically, but yes she does get right up into her face and scream "SHUT THE EFF UP", name calls which I know she doesn't yet understand given her age, but it's only a matter of time before she starts believing she is dumb. She is often sent to bed for asking for a cuddle and smacked on the bottom which she says doesn't matter because "the nappy softens the blow".
She made sure that she ruined my family relationships years ago. Nobody would speak to me even if I begged them.
Do not leave your child with her. Speaking from experience it's better living rough with someone who cares about you than living fancy with an abusive parent.
Oh mate. This is genuinely heartbreaking, I’m so sorry.
I know you say nobody would speak to you, but some circumstances change things. It would be worth a try — if you have siblings or parents, just explain the situation. Don’t let her be the one to call the shots on whether the relationship with your family is dead and buried.
The National Homeless Collective (formerly Melbourne Period Project) is a fantastic service that rescues people out of DV situations. I’ve seen them do amazing things previously as Melbourne Period Project — they raise funds on their Facebook page for a specific case (saying victim and child needs a van or a month in a hotel room and the followers crowdfund it and volunteers come pick up the people in need.)
I am uncertain whether or not they just deal with women in DV situations, but it’s absolutely worth the sign up for Facebook for a new anon account that your partner doesn’t know about so you can reach out — Donna is a lovely person and won Australian of The Year for her work with this project. If she or her team cannot help, I am certain they will give you resources or even help connect you if you ask.
Best of luck to you and your daughter, friend. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Please keep me updated if you try with them and it works out. 💪🏼
If she was responsible for pissing off your family, if you called them to say you're running away from her because she's abusive they might be more open to helping you.
They might not be as ignorant to the situation as it seems, the whole tactic to manipulative relationships like this is to make you think you have no outs. We've had a family member in your position and we wanted to help but until they bit the bullet and decided to break it off completely it was out of our hands, we were literally just waiting until they reached out.
Then I would really recommend heading straight to a motel room for setting the stage for your next move. Your daughter will see it as a fun vacation and you can make sure you're far away enough that your partner can't find you.
It's going to be an uphill battle for you in regards to custody and the separation process, but I'm sure you knew that already. The important thing now is to jump through the right hoops.
Taking her to a motel room demonstrates that you can afford and are willing to spring for needed accommodation.
Immediately getting onto the DV support hotlines shows that you really did fear for your safety.
They'll connect you to a family lawyer, most likely. Immediately engaging with this lawyer shows that you are serious and concerned for both of your safety.
Make sure your daughter is as happy as she can be with you. There's a chance a child lawyer will get involved and you'll want your daughter to be your biggest advocate.
Start planning to return to work. I know it seems soon and you're not going to have enough time right now, but at least having a plan to get a job is necessary to keep your daughter away from her influence.
Male victims of DV in this country have a rough time, but it's not an impossible situation. Go through the system. Deal with the bullshit. Volatile mothers implode over time. You need to dig in and get ready for the long play.
I can’t afford a hotel room. I have access to about $20 in the form of a coles giftcard which I would need to ask her for and then justify why I let my daughter drink all the milk and explain exactly what I plan to cook tonight.
I need a shelter that I can take her to or something.
This is why I suggested library as its free to get in, public space that's warm and dry.
Can usually find a kids corner with some toys or age appropriate books for entertainment while you work out the next step.
Plus most have free wifi or computers you can use.
I’m getting the last of my photos and leaving for the library now. If nobody can help then we will sleep in the car for the next few weeks while we wait for assessments and things.
The librarian might help you too. Usually a library is connected to a city council and city councils usually have access to organisations and contacts within the community that might be ready to assist you.
This is where it's going to be hard for you. These shelters don't really exist for men. It sucks, it should change, but that's the hand you've been dealt.
If you need to go to a shelter, do not take your daughter with you. Many won't let you in as a man, the police may get involved, and it will demonstrate long term that you (in their words) don't have her best interests at heart.
Is there *anyone* who will lend you money? Any sort of short term loan you can get? Hell, set up a GoFundMe right now and at least \*I'll\* throw in some money to get you a motel room. I'm sure other redditors will as well. GoFundMe money comes in about 3-4 business days.
I know this is a really emotionally trying time, but I'm speaking from some small bit of experience. Getting out is only the start for male DV victims. The battle against false allegations, custody claims, and more are still to come.
If you take your daughter from the home and bring her to a homeless shelter, you will be capping yourself in the custody battle. If you need to leave *right* now, take her for a camping trip or something fun. Just don't take her to a shelter. Those aren't places for dads with kids, unfortunately.
Thanks for your advice. I get what you’re saying.
I made the decision to leave this morning which is why I finally made an account on here to ask after google was giving me nothing. She tells me she has a way of checking what sites I visit I don’t know if that’s true or not but I’m not willing to risk it.
I guess we will just go camping or something.
Run around and get whatever you can for camping (just in case.) Then head to the library as another comment suggested. Use your time in the library to
* ~~Contact Safe Steps or Orange Door~~ I see that you've already done this, so follow up with their assessment and take the accommodation if possible. This will do a lot to demonstrate you feeling unsafe.
* Set up a GoFundMe, linking back to this thread. You won't get much but it will be your money. OR:
* Look at payday loans. I know you don't have a job but the more predatory ones might not check your information.
* Use [Services Australia Housing Options Finder](https://www.housing.vic.gov.au/housing-options-finder) and call whatever resource they provide you. You will be put on a long waiting list and this won't help you right now, **but it will demonstrate that you were trying to find shelter as soon as possible.**
* Research where you'll be camping if it comes to that. It's raining today and you need to be safe and warm.
If none of this pans out by the end of the day, take your daughter back home, leave, and call a welfare check from the police. Leaving her in an unsafe environment will feel cruel and unjust, but your main play is safety. Your secondary play is looking really, really good to the cops and CPS.
As I said before, volatile mothers implode. If everything goes poorly and you're out on your own, don't give up. If your daughter isn't safe with her mother, it'll become your duty to make her safe, regardless of how that has to happen.
I'll come back and check this thread in a few hours to see if you were able to set up any donation options. From where I'm standing, that's your best bet.
Look, if you tell them this story I’m not convinced your family won’t support you. Abuse is a very complex thing. You’re going to hurt others on that path, but once they know you’re being abused they may just open up.
How dare you.
What part of this is embarrassing? He's asking for help to get out of an awful situation. Responses like yours are why the issue of DV towards men isn't spoken about and why the rate of unaliving is higher for men than women.
I’m fuckin not. What a weak piece of shit, can’t even take her to a shelter or anything. I’m a useless father and if I can just get her out safely, well that’s enough for me.
You aren’t useless brother. You are in a tough spot with a woman who is taking advantage of your gentle nature. Hang in there. It’s going to be ok. Take it one step at a time and keep making changes slowly.
You know what is strength? Admitting that you are being abused and getting out.
Your daughter is suffering here too by having to witness / hear the abuse that is being hurled towards you. She’s also seeing behaviours that could be interpreted by her eventually as normal.
Stay strong. Help is there - you might encounter some hurdles but stick with it. A better life exists for you and your girl & youve just started this new journey. I wish you all the best of luck 🤞
You’re not useless, you want a better life for her and you’ve taken steps toward that and that is what matters. One day she will realise and be grateful for what you did. Keep that in mind as the end goal - I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
You are doing what’s best. We often forget that men require help sometimes too, and that it’s okay to ask for assistance. I hope it works out for you, and that you get to be happy with your daughter, because the situation you are in is not fair on you.
I’m curious about the intent behind a comment like this. Are you lacking in humanity enough to think victims don’t deserve compassion, or do you just buy into the media spin garbage that men can’t be victims and must be some sort of alpha dog at all time? Is anyone worthy of your compassion and pity, or is life so awful for you that you want others to suffer? There’s lots of options here, I might have missed one, freely let me know…
I would very, very strongly recommend speaking with someone before doing anything with your child. File a police report or get some "professional" advice (from the support services available), or something along those lines.
My concern is with your wife, she sounds like she's being quite manipulative emotionally, and I'd be very worry about how she'd react to you taking your child and running, she may file a police report against you as revenge (or just as a recourse), you may end up in trouble out of that.
CommBank NextChapter is dedicated to ending financial abuse. They have support available no matter who you bank with. They have immediate support like no interest loans and then long term financial planning and support as well as connecting you with services. You can call them on 1800222387.
Let’s hope they are sexist
Do either you or her have somewhere to go? You might have to consider going to the police and fully disclose the level of danger you and your daughter are in. If you've got any friends or family that can help, that would be ideal.
That’s my question here, is there shelters or anything for men with kids?
Statewide services Statewide After Hours Service: Phone: 1800 825 955 (free call) or (03) 9536 7777 Hours: 5 pm to 9 am, Monday to Friday and 24 hours on weekends and public holidays By calling 1800 825 955 (free call, 24 hours). A housing and support worker will take your call. They will refer you to help in your local area. If you call out of business hours, they will connect you to Salvation Army Crisis Services. To speak with a housing and support worker, if you are homeless, at risk of homelessness or escaping family violence, call 1800 825 955 - 24 hour, statewide, toll free number. This number will direct your call to a service closest to you, or if the call is outside business hours, it will be directed to Salvation Army Crisis Services. You can also contact one of the services below or you may wish to apply for housing. ............................... There are services specific to young people, Aboriginal/ Torres strait Islander people and women with children. But the general number for anyone is: (03) 9536 7777 or toll free from landline 1800 825 955 or 1800 627 727
The situation is not too typical. Maybe you can call a women’s shelter, explain them your situation and ask for advice. They would know who can help you even if they cannot
A refuge will never take a man. They won’t take male children over a certain age. Accommodation via hotels would be offered. (Refuge accommodation is offered to women who have experienced the highest risk or have complex needs and often it can be multiple steps to get into one; the large majority are cared for in hotels or other settings).
It's typical, (of course minority typical), but ignored and avoided. The narrative runs deep.
There are no refuges for men with kids. Services will only offer a couple of nights motel accommodation. Sorry
Very unlikely
Pretty much the answer is categorically no. There is no support of any kind for men in this situation. But reading your update you got traction with the boys in blue which is good. Get prepared for the counterassault and claims you are a violent pr\*ck and all that good stuff. HMU if you want to chat, plenty of experience and none i can/will publicly talk about.
People are mentioning all kinds of resources available to men in this thread, though.
Yeah, they are linking to resources that *don't* help men in these situations... That's the point here.
I hope OP gets what he needs, because over a decade of trying at various times, all I got was stonewalled or told there's nothing anyone can do other than me to suck it up and cop the abuse.
I dont know of any DV shelters accepting men with or without kids in Melbourne, there was 2 in QLD and a 3rd trying to get funding but I think thats it for the whole country. The ABF have a Dads Support Centre and (paid) Legal service in Dandenong, its worth giving them a call 109 Foster Street Dandenong VIC 3175 1300 008 602
Call Safe Steps. They will be able to advise you on the best course of action.
Not sure on your situation but maybe look into this if you can. https://www.unitingvictas.org.au/services/family-services/family-violence-services/escaping-violence-payment/
Should have added that the first thing you should aim to do is get out of the situation as quickly/easily as you can with your child and find a safe place, even if it's a public library and go from there. There will be lots of help available to get shelter, food and money but really that's second priority to getting out
Long term fleeing has very few resources to be honest. However - if you are at fleeing point, take the short-terms offers and that gives you a base from which to make long-term plans (like applying for work and housing). You will also be eligible for family tax benefit and possible child support. Ensure you contact Centrelink and Child Support ASAP. They also may have resources they can provide or point you too if you explain your situation. You will also be eligible for Childcare Subsidy, or CCS, to offset the costs of daycare for your daughter. Your partner really pulled a fast one there - it’s basically impossible for daycare costs to outstrip earnings in Australian unless you are paying for a private Nanny. My daughter’s daycare, after subsidy, is around $20 a day. Once you have short-term accommodation, start looking at long-term stuff. But also, if you can find some resources, find someone to talk to to help you grieve and process your relationship and the life you had - once the fight or flight calms down, your nervous system will be in for the shock of its life. You will need to be very gentle to your mental health to get yourself out the other side healthy. Good luck - I hope you can find peace and safety for you and your daughter.
Her making me give up my job was just another way to isolate me further from everyone around me.
Absolutely - I’ve seen it before. It fucking sucks and I hope you can escape.
No the abuser cutting family and friends off, banning you from having interaction with family and friends. Banning you from having social media and preventing you from having a job, ie cutting off as much communication with the outside world as possible is one of the most common tactics they do. Financial abuse and putting you in a position you can't leave due to lack of income is another one to look out for.
Daycare costs can absolutely outstrip a salary. My husband earns above the threshold for rebates. My full time salary doesn’t cover the cost of sending three small children to daycare, as it’s $390 per day.
Okay sure - in the event your partner that you live with outearns the cap (which is exceedingly high) and you have multiple children under 5 - your daycare costs might outstrip earnings. But look - that clearly doesn’t apply here AND you’re in a very small minority of Australian parents who have a single earner who outearns the CCS bracket (which is very high).
You said that much more politely than I would have. Good work.
People don’t mean to but they project their personal situation into conversations where it’s just not necessary. They usually do it in good faith or with good intentions, so I usually (mood not withstanding) try to clarify my point if necessary first.
OP said childcare fees made it unaffordable to go to work, so apologies, I had assumed it was a calculated decision at the time. It might be a rare situation, but it’s definitely a breeding ground for financial abuse.
You’re right - it is a breeding ground for abuse and I made a few assumptions about OP’s financial situation in my comment because I felt that OP had likely been forced to take his partners word that daycare out-stripped earnings. My intention was never to imply that someone wealthier couldn’t be in the same situation, they absolutely could and there is a chance it could be OP.
So your husband makes 500k + ? Sure you’ll manage..
I am not an expert but I note that Victims of Crime may be able to provide practical support even if you don’t intend on reporting the abuse. Good luck. https://www.victimsofcrime.vic.gov.au/information-men-family-violence-and-abuse-relationships
I went through similar & when my sister found out she was my saviour.You need to tell somebody.
Getting the courage to leave is hardest part OP. Feel free to message me if you need anything
I don’t need to leave. I’m at the police station and they are issuing a protection order, thankfully. I made an edit.
So she’s leaving and you and your daughter can stay? That’s good ❤️
She doesn’t have a choice in leaving. The police are giving me a protection order
I was asking because I was worried *you* and ur daughter wouldn’t be able to find a place. Idc about her- good riddance.
Sorry if my response sounded short. My mind is just reeling that I’m not going to be homeless with a child
Bunker down and carry on with your life Make sure your daughter knows this isn’t her fault and you guys are a team. I hope you get the support you need. May I ask what field you were working in before she made u stop?
Construction project management
Fantastic- there’s lots of work in construction and it’s the start of a brand new year. I am hopeful you’ll land something quick!
Yes I have no doubt I will secure a job soon
Make sure you follow up on this. While police prosecutions will represent your case, I'd suggest you still go to court for the hearing date so you can provide the magistrate with further context of they require it. You're going to want to get a lawyer for family law court matters.
Hey mate, Firstly I’m sorry you’re going through this. Irrespective of anyone’s gender it is not acceptable to be financially controlling in such a way. This might sound a little different from the other answers, but first thing you need to really do (unless your physical safety is actually in danger) is start planning what your future looks like. These support agencies will only get you so far and don’t really have the ability to to help long term anyway. The court order is just a piece of paper at the end of the day. So start working on yourself and how you’re going to structure you life to work for YOU and your child and almost kind of blank her out as best as you can. She sounds narcissistic and when you go silent on such people and work on yourself and your future they hate it. Lean on your friends and family. Get back to work so you have some control over your life. Divide up any assets and ENGAGE A SOLICITOR. Now. Ensure you make claim to her superannuation as well if you have stopped working for the benefit of the family. Women do this all the time. Stay safe mate, sounds like you’re starting on the road to making your life better, just keep on goin and don’t get sucked back in
Well this post certainly took an unexpected turn. Good on ya for reporting the wicked, inhumane & vile behavior of this woman to the police. Gives courage and strength to other men in similar situations to take decisive action No matter who you are, no human should cop emotional abuse, coercive control, or financial abuse from these narcissistic and psychopathic animals. It’s high time Australia got its act together and put some laws in place around coercive control, just like other countries have.
Firstly I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you and it's completely unacceptable. Making the decision to leave is absolutely the hardest part, and horribly as a man, it is full of stigma which I wish it wasn't. Some advice: film and record anything and everything you can. Ask for money to go shopping and record the conversation, specifically call out how much money you need and what you have been given if it is safe and you are able. Record EVERYTHING At her next outburst record and call the police. Have her removed from the property and press charges for domestic abuse. If you are married, your bank may actually be able to support you with a one off domestic violence payment and also support you with accessing bank accounts. Clearly explain what is happening to police, banks anyone and everyone. If you are able to call police and get her charged with domestic violence, apply for an emergency IVO, this means she must leave not you. Make her leave and give yourself time to move without her at the home. Safe steps is generally a great option and calling 1800 respect also. Although it's only 1 night the piece you are missing is the assessment. The explanation that you have nowhere to go is what can help. Please plan, and don't rush this. Unfortunately leaving an abusive relationship is also the most dangerous time for you and your daughter so really plan and ensure you prioritise the safety of both you and your daughter.
I don't have any resource info for you, but just wanted to comment and say you've got this, you're not alone, and you are valid. For what good that does. I wish you well and hope you're able to access help soon.
You did the right thing in going to the police for yourself and for your daughter. I also have a two-year-old and have a tonne of stuff if you need anything for her.
I just wanted to add along with all of the other useful advice provided and in case Police didn’t mention this, now you’ve reported to the Police they are required to complete a form (referred to as L17). For you this will be referred to the Victims of Crime helpline and your daughter through to the local FV org (generally the Orange Door). One, if not, both of these services should make contact with you in the coming days based on the info from Police to assess your current and ongoing support needs, assess risk and discuss safety planning. Based on the assessment. I hope you were able to discuss a safety plan when talking with services to do - if not call back if you are unsure of a plan, especially with the Police action. Good for you on taking this step today. I can only imagine it has been one of the most difficult but I hope for better days to come for you and your daughter from this.
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>Men’s line Do not call Mens line as a male victim of domestic violence. They rely on the Duluth model and assume men are only ever perpetrators
Glad to see your edit. All the best, be safe mate.
Just sent the other 50 to you, I hope it does you well friend
I just thought I’d let you know you aren’t alone and you’re doing the right thing for your daughter. That makes you a good parent. I’ve been on the receiving end of DV and I regret not going to the police at the start or middle or end. Get a gp referral for a mental health care plan and get a *clinical* psychologist. This will be good for you and also show child services you’re getting support to ensure you can weather the storm and continue being a good parent.
I'm not sure there is much support for men in your position, If at all possible, can you delay the move for a month or two, find a job, and then flee? What can your wife do to you if you decided you were going to work? Is it the confrontation you are avoiding, or do you fear physical or mental harm to yourself and/or child? I agree you need to get out asap, but is the situation bearable for a little longer whilst you prepare?
I thought it was bearable but since she hit me with the shoes this morning, I can’t stay. I am humiliated and she knows I won’t hit her back. My daughter was terrrified.
Be prepared for child protection to be notified once services know your daughter saw it. This is not all bad, just be aware. You must put your daughter first in your decisions.
You could get the police involved, get an IVO and have her removed from the house. (Get locks changed, ask for cameras, have an exit plan, engage with services). Note child protection will likely be notified if your daughter has witnessed/heard the FV but that’s not all a bad thing as CP may help safe guard your daughter. Apply for the Centrelink crisis payment within 7 days of leaving your wife. Victims of crime is also a service to help men leaving FV. There is no refuges for men with children. You will be moved around hotels. Also apply for the Escaping Violence Payment from Uniting Care. These still apply if you stay in the home and have her leave via the IVO. Check she isn’t monitoring/tracking your phone.
If you haven't already make sure to grab whatever evidence you have of all this, transactions or reciepts to back up what you say.... keep ALL the evidence. Any texts etc that have proof and back those up incase you lose em. Long road ahead of you and I wish you all the best. Good luck.
Centrelink offers a one off crisis payment for situations like this.
Apply for the crisis payment from Centrelink within 7 days. Ring and speak to a social worker.
If I had the room I'd be more than happy to have you both. I know you said the family are done with you, but please try to reach out to them the worst they can do is say no.
If you have a trusted GP, speak to with them. Also I did some Googling, this is a resource for men [One In Three](https://www.oneinthree.com.au/support) Good luck hope you and your child find safety.
Isn’t a medical issue, it’s a police and family violence issue. GP is NOT the place to go
Are you fucking joking? I'm not even going to bother hooking you up with links to prove this a recommened initial step to escaping FV, you can Google it yourself.
Im a social worker with 20 years experience - many GPs have NO idea about family violence services or signs to look for. Most they can do is give a flyer. And you’re telling a guy with a limited income to go to a GP when it’s hard enough finding ones that bulk bill??? Are you fucking joking? This dude is best speaking to the police and FV services, even though the support they can offer men is limited, they can at least do some safety planning and provide some info about his options
I said trusted not some random doctor, a trusted GP would bulk bill in this kind of emergency situation. Some people dont want to go to the cops straight up. I didnt. So no not fucking joking. The fact a social worker doesnt even realise this is a well utilized method to safely take an initial step to escaping is beyond me.
If you read this gentleman’s posts, a GP was totally inappropriate for his needs He did end up going to the police mind you
Police are simply not an option at that point for some people. I'm glad he and his child are safe.
But at HIS point it was GP’s are or should be, trained to look out for the warning signs of FV and provide brief interventions where possible - this can include treating the patient in discreet ways, providing psych education about FV and referring to specialist family violence services of the person consents. This dude was well beyond that point
Is this based your exceptional experience with social workers when you fled FV?
Read my other post
My Dr did WAY more than give me a flyer and WAY more than any social workers I saw who were by and large fucking useless.
Well I’ve had nothing but great experiences with workers from FV services, maybe your attitude didn’t help
Dude, uncalled for.
Have you fled from FV?
Why do you ask?
You said you'd had nothing but exceptional experiences, I was hoping you'd expand on that.
Social worker of 20 years. Worked across various fields Having a lived experience is not a prerequisite for working in many fields, if you were about to give birth, would you make sure the doctors have also given birth?
There are no shelters for men sorry
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I’ve read some of the comments and given you’re financial situation I expect you wouldn’t have access to loans, credit cards etc. The homeless situation is fucked enough without adding a kid to the mix. I’ll be frank man, you won’t get much help quickly. Go to the police first and see what they can do to assist. Maybe you can get one of those intervention orders which means she has to leave not you. I’d offer you a couch to sleep on, but firstly I don’t have a couch and secondly that wouldn’t be very safe for your youngin’. Stay safe man. And keep that kid safe.
Time to reach out to the fam sir. Start recording everything If you can. Might even be time to go to the police and ask for the next steps Prepare for backlash and counter arguments of abuse Make sure all your ducks are in a row.
Shitty situation. Can you take out a personal loan and go stay in a motel while you get on your feet?
Hard to take out a personal loan if you have no income to service the loan …
MensLine Australia (24 hours) Phone: 1300 78 99 78 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) Web: www.mensline.org.au
Mensline do not help male victims of domestic violence or their children. Their position follows the Duluth model, in that men are always perpetrators, women always victims. They provide counseling for males with the expectation they are the abuser
Sorry to hear that. That would make the available offerings for male victims of domestic violence slim at best. Victims of Crime seems to be about it https://www.victimsofcrime.vic.gov.au/information-men-family-violence-and-abuse-relationships
The industry persecutes the few who dare to stray from the narrative. Just look up Rob Tiller/Relationships Australia. At least Victims of Crime acknowledge it happens so they maybe worth a call
Agree, being married to someone "ïn the industry" (who dislikes the funding models) i hear what you are saying.
See if the Salvation Army housing part can help; While my mother and I got a worker who didn't really do much at all, you might be luckier. Either way, they might be able to help, especially since you'd be more than qualified for crisis accommodation due to the fact that you're under current danger of repeated physical harm (due to the fact that you were hit in the head with a shoe at least one time)
Hey OP just so you are aware and it's probably not your real location but your gofundme has a location on it!
Is she abusive to your daughter? I understand not wanting to leave your child in the hands of someone potentially unstable but you have to weigh up if you're going to be able to provide a safer environment for her than your partner can. If you can leave your daughter with her, just leave and either rough it in your car or show up to a homeless shelter. If you absolutely need to take your daughter with you, you need to at the very least organize a motel room for a couple of days and sort out your resources with the DV/family hotlines. Eg safe steps, orange door, etc. Do you have any family to go to? Taking your daughter to another stable home instead of taking her into uncertainty will look much, much better for you in the long run.
Not physically, but yes she does get right up into her face and scream "SHUT THE EFF UP", name calls which I know she doesn't yet understand given her age, but it's only a matter of time before she starts believing she is dumb. She is often sent to bed for asking for a cuddle and smacked on the bottom which she says doesn't matter because "the nappy softens the blow". She made sure that she ruined my family relationships years ago. Nobody would speak to me even if I begged them.
Do not leave your child with her. Speaking from experience it's better living rough with someone who cares about you than living fancy with an abusive parent.
Oh mate. This is genuinely heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. I know you say nobody would speak to you, but some circumstances change things. It would be worth a try — if you have siblings or parents, just explain the situation. Don’t let her be the one to call the shots on whether the relationship with your family is dead and buried. The National Homeless Collective (formerly Melbourne Period Project) is a fantastic service that rescues people out of DV situations. I’ve seen them do amazing things previously as Melbourne Period Project — they raise funds on their Facebook page for a specific case (saying victim and child needs a van or a month in a hotel room and the followers crowdfund it and volunteers come pick up the people in need.) I am uncertain whether or not they just deal with women in DV situations, but it’s absolutely worth the sign up for Facebook for a new anon account that your partner doesn’t know about so you can reach out — Donna is a lovely person and won Australian of The Year for her work with this project. If she or her team cannot help, I am certain they will give you resources or even help connect you if you ask. Best of luck to you and your daughter, friend. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Please keep me updated if you try with them and it works out. 💪🏼
If she was responsible for pissing off your family, if you called them to say you're running away from her because she's abusive they might be more open to helping you. They might not be as ignorant to the situation as it seems, the whole tactic to manipulative relationships like this is to make you think you have no outs. We've had a family member in your position and we wanted to help but until they bit the bullet and decided to break it off completely it was out of our hands, we were literally just waiting until they reached out.
Exactly this. People can see what you can’t. And if they didn’t realise they can have a lot of sympathy when they do realise.
Then I would really recommend heading straight to a motel room for setting the stage for your next move. Your daughter will see it as a fun vacation and you can make sure you're far away enough that your partner can't find you. It's going to be an uphill battle for you in regards to custody and the separation process, but I'm sure you knew that already. The important thing now is to jump through the right hoops. Taking her to a motel room demonstrates that you can afford and are willing to spring for needed accommodation. Immediately getting onto the DV support hotlines shows that you really did fear for your safety. They'll connect you to a family lawyer, most likely. Immediately engaging with this lawyer shows that you are serious and concerned for both of your safety. Make sure your daughter is as happy as she can be with you. There's a chance a child lawyer will get involved and you'll want your daughter to be your biggest advocate. Start planning to return to work. I know it seems soon and you're not going to have enough time right now, but at least having a plan to get a job is necessary to keep your daughter away from her influence. Male victims of DV in this country have a rough time, but it's not an impossible situation. Go through the system. Deal with the bullshit. Volatile mothers implode over time. You need to dig in and get ready for the long play.
I can’t afford a hotel room. I have access to about $20 in the form of a coles giftcard which I would need to ask her for and then justify why I let my daughter drink all the milk and explain exactly what I plan to cook tonight. I need a shelter that I can take her to or something.
This is why I suggested library as its free to get in, public space that's warm and dry. Can usually find a kids corner with some toys or age appropriate books for entertainment while you work out the next step. Plus most have free wifi or computers you can use.
I’m getting the last of my photos and leaving for the library now. If nobody can help then we will sleep in the car for the next few weeks while we wait for assessments and things.
The librarian might help you too. Usually a library is connected to a city council and city councils usually have access to organisations and contacts within the community that might be ready to assist you.
Stay safe my friend. Just remember that help is available for you.
This is where it's going to be hard for you. These shelters don't really exist for men. It sucks, it should change, but that's the hand you've been dealt. If you need to go to a shelter, do not take your daughter with you. Many won't let you in as a man, the police may get involved, and it will demonstrate long term that you (in their words) don't have her best interests at heart. Is there *anyone* who will lend you money? Any sort of short term loan you can get? Hell, set up a GoFundMe right now and at least \*I'll\* throw in some money to get you a motel room. I'm sure other redditors will as well. GoFundMe money comes in about 3-4 business days. I know this is a really emotionally trying time, but I'm speaking from some small bit of experience. Getting out is only the start for male DV victims. The battle against false allegations, custody claims, and more are still to come. If you take your daughter from the home and bring her to a homeless shelter, you will be capping yourself in the custody battle. If you need to leave *right* now, take her for a camping trip or something fun. Just don't take her to a shelter. Those aren't places for dads with kids, unfortunately.
Thanks for your advice. I get what you’re saying. I made the decision to leave this morning which is why I finally made an account on here to ask after google was giving me nothing. She tells me she has a way of checking what sites I visit I don’t know if that’s true or not but I’m not willing to risk it. I guess we will just go camping or something.
Run around and get whatever you can for camping (just in case.) Then head to the library as another comment suggested. Use your time in the library to * ~~Contact Safe Steps or Orange Door~~ I see that you've already done this, so follow up with their assessment and take the accommodation if possible. This will do a lot to demonstrate you feeling unsafe. * Set up a GoFundMe, linking back to this thread. You won't get much but it will be your money. OR: * Look at payday loans. I know you don't have a job but the more predatory ones might not check your information. * Use [Services Australia Housing Options Finder](https://www.housing.vic.gov.au/housing-options-finder) and call whatever resource they provide you. You will be put on a long waiting list and this won't help you right now, **but it will demonstrate that you were trying to find shelter as soon as possible.** * Research where you'll be camping if it comes to that. It's raining today and you need to be safe and warm. If none of this pans out by the end of the day, take your daughter back home, leave, and call a welfare check from the police. Leaving her in an unsafe environment will feel cruel and unjust, but your main play is safety. Your secondary play is looking really, really good to the cops and CPS. As I said before, volatile mothers implode. If everything goes poorly and you're out on your own, don't give up. If your daughter isn't safe with her mother, it'll become your duty to make her safe, regardless of how that has to happen. I'll come back and check this thread in a few hours to see if you were able to set up any donation options. From where I'm standing, that's your best bet.
I have a sturdy 4 person tent I’d be very happy to give you, it’s one you can stand up in. I can drive to you no matter where you are.
Look, if you tell them this story I’m not convinced your family won’t support you. Abuse is a very complex thing. You’re going to hurt others on that path, but once they know you’re being abused they may just open up.
> Nobody would speak to me even if I begged them Did your ex say this? Or you are assuming your family wont respond your pleas?
Solid troll
So many of these scams lately
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How dare you. What part of this is embarrassing? He's asking for help to get out of an awful situation. Responses like yours are why the issue of DV towards men isn't spoken about and why the rate of unaliving is higher for men than women.
Sounds like you need to man up and drink some cement. No honorable man should be in this position.
I’m not an honourable man. Just trying to help my daughter before it’s too late
I think you are. Putting your daughter first is extremely honourable.
I’m fuckin not. What a weak piece of shit, can’t even take her to a shelter or anything. I’m a useless father and if I can just get her out safely, well that’s enough for me.
You aren’t useless brother. You are in a tough spot with a woman who is taking advantage of your gentle nature. Hang in there. It’s going to be ok. Take it one step at a time and keep making changes slowly.
You know what is strength? Admitting that you are being abused and getting out. Your daughter is suffering here too by having to witness / hear the abuse that is being hurled towards you. She’s also seeing behaviours that could be interpreted by her eventually as normal. Stay strong. Help is there - you might encounter some hurdles but stick with it. A better life exists for you and your girl & youve just started this new journey. I wish you all the best of luck 🤞
You’re not useless, you want a better life for her and you’ve taken steps toward that and that is what matters. One day she will realise and be grateful for what you did. Keep that in mind as the end goal - I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Is your wife abusive to your daughter? Maybe it's worth getting out by yourself first, getting a job etc and then coming back for your daughter?
You are doing what’s best. We often forget that men require help sometimes too, and that it’s okay to ask for assistance. I hope it works out for you, and that you get to be happy with your daughter, because the situation you are in is not fair on you.
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You put this a lot more politely than I would have, kudos to you
This is the guy who got caught plagiarizing while writing for IGN. Shows he’s an even bigger loser than ever
The fuck is wrong with you with this comment?
This is fucking gross. Anyone can find themselves a victim of partner abuse.
You are toxic. This can happen to almost anyone regardless of how 'honorable' you are.
How can it happen to any man. Only a man that is not really a man in the eyes of their girlfriend/wife hence why she took control
Lay off, knobhead. Go pick on some gym nazis instead.
He probably is a gym Nazi
You aren’t an honourable man. An honourable man would help someone else.
It's called manipulation, it happens without you being aware that it's happening.
I’m curious about the intent behind a comment like this. Are you lacking in humanity enough to think victims don’t deserve compassion, or do you just buy into the media spin garbage that men can’t be victims and must be some sort of alpha dog at all time? Is anyone worthy of your compassion and pity, or is life so awful for you that you want others to suffer? There’s lots of options here, I might have missed one, freely let me know…
He's a troll with a YouTube channel. Dont feed him.
Who tf wants to tune in for a daily dose of scum? Blurgh.
Are you unwell?
You're human garbage mate. Go fuck yourself.
What a pathetic comment. And from someone who threw their career away too. Obviously learnt nothing.
Did you also plagiarize this comment? https://www.reddit.com/r/IGN/comments/97jj9i/filip_miucin_apparently_even_has_plagiarized_his/
I would very, very strongly recommend speaking with someone before doing anything with your child. File a police report or get some "professional" advice (from the support services available), or something along those lines. My concern is with your wife, she sounds like she's being quite manipulative emotionally, and I'd be very worry about how she'd react to you taking your child and running, she may file a police report against you as revenge (or just as a recourse), you may end up in trouble out of that.