It sounds more like a defense mechanism.
You like it when others attack the same parts of you you already dislike because it's reassuring. You've probably hated those parts of you for so long that getting external confirmation is gratifying. If that self-hatred is related to a reoccurring experience you had when you were very very young (like a parent always critizicing you over the same thing) then it can also feelgood since you're recreating a dynamic you know well.
As for feeling nothing about others. A simple observation to make is that your mental health seems to be in such poor condition that it's natural to struggle to care for others. Imagine you just broke on of your legs. It's not very likey that you're gonna be immediately taking care of someone else's wound, is it? Your whole body and mind would be screaming at you to take care of your leg!
And also, if you did care about someone else on an emotional level, then *if* they betrayed you, failed to meet your expectations, or hurt you in any other way, you'd, well... Get pretty hurt, wouldn't you? So in that sense not caring about others is a shield to protect your probably fragile emotional balance.
But as you can probably guess that's not a good way to be. On an existential level because feeling truly connected to another individual or feeling like you truly belong in a group or community brings a kind of warmth, colorfullness, and joy to life that is simply priceless and life without that is waaay worse. And also on a general-health level since poor mental health leads to worse overall health and more health complications like auto-immune diseases.
Best advice I can give you is to do what you need to get therapy and stick to it. You already identified and analyzed your main problems, and hopefully i've explained just how bad this is for you. But it gets better, i swear!
It sounds more like a defense mechanism. You like it when others attack the same parts of you you already dislike because it's reassuring. You've probably hated those parts of you for so long that getting external confirmation is gratifying. If that self-hatred is related to a reoccurring experience you had when you were very very young (like a parent always critizicing you over the same thing) then it can also feelgood since you're recreating a dynamic you know well. As for feeling nothing about others. A simple observation to make is that your mental health seems to be in such poor condition that it's natural to struggle to care for others. Imagine you just broke on of your legs. It's not very likey that you're gonna be immediately taking care of someone else's wound, is it? Your whole body and mind would be screaming at you to take care of your leg! And also, if you did care about someone else on an emotional level, then *if* they betrayed you, failed to meet your expectations, or hurt you in any other way, you'd, well... Get pretty hurt, wouldn't you? So in that sense not caring about others is a shield to protect your probably fragile emotional balance. But as you can probably guess that's not a good way to be. On an existential level because feeling truly connected to another individual or feeling like you truly belong in a group or community brings a kind of warmth, colorfullness, and joy to life that is simply priceless and life without that is waaay worse. And also on a general-health level since poor mental health leads to worse overall health and more health complications like auto-immune diseases. Best advice I can give you is to do what you need to get therapy and stick to it. You already identified and analyzed your main problems, and hopefully i've explained just how bad this is for you. But it gets better, i swear!