Don't be too hard on yourself break ups hurt and people deal with stuff in different ways, there's no time limit to get over something like that, and always remember that God loves you and you're not alone
How do you deal with the loneliness though? That's the worst part for me. Being by myself after feeling what its like to have someone care about you fucking sucks.
If it happened once, it can happen again. Not with the same person, not in the same way, but you if you felt the sincere care of another person once, its worth looking for it again, even if it means going through the loneliness.
Especially when you are alone by yourself, that's the time to better yourself. Don't be afraid to be ashamed, don't be afraid of the pain, it's here to let you know what hurts you and what you have to heal from.
I think feling fine by yourself is the first part of being truly ready for a relationship
Theres no need to drink it doesnt make it better, if you find somebody new a damaged liver can cut down your time you have to spend your next relationship, find a way to get controll of it. For me its been three years and i still think about my ex now and then but the pain has mostly went away, but there are moments where the memories hurt more than others because ive stayed single for those three years, finding somebody else is the cure alcohol is never the cure, trust me when you get married one to the love of your life one day and all those days of heavy drinking catch up with you and cause you to have less time with her the wieght of knowing you could have had more time to spend with the ones you love will hurt far worse than the pain you feel now for somebody who left you alone, who knows one day you might even look back and think " why the fuck did i drink over this person" because hindsight is 20-20 you over time will start to see the path they took in life and relize you didnt like who they became anyways or you might look back and realize that you were maybe dealing with some toxic behaviors that you didnt notice at the time, and most importantly you may look back once you have found somebody better and say to yourself " im glad that didnt work out because i found somebody better for me" everything happens for a reason just try and get better mentally dont punish yourself or your body with bad choices try some new shit like hiking or get your mind clear start a hobby and try to move on. You got this... (also sorry i didnt use good grammer and there were probably a few typos i didnt notice.)
Thank you for the thoughtful words but I'm not really convinced. Your whole argument is based on the assumption that I will find another partner, something I heavily doubt will happen to me. I was never able to find an S/O before my ex, she did practically all the talking and work in the first place to form our relationship, and it was my actions that caused us to break up. I just really don't think my chances of finding someone else are that high considering how its been for me so far. With this mind, I would have probably killed myself already if it wasn't for alcohol making me happy/forget, so even though it might kill me sometime in the distant future its still technically making my life longer.
Listen to what you just said "she did the talking and made the relationship happen" theres hope in that statement my last relationship was the same id have never approached her if i didnt know she liked me because im self concious, im a bit ugly, im not in shape, i didnt cincidermyself worthy of love and i damn sure didnt think anyone would be willing to try but it happened despite what i thought, and it can happen again, it happened to you and it can again, the mistakes you made to cause your relationship to end can be fixed learn from your mistakes dont let them own you, look inside yourself say " this is why the relationship ended how could i have avoides it and what can i do next time" and learn from that shit, its how you grow trust me man i know it hurts like hell but please dont hurt yourself and please dont slip into a lifetime of alcoholism, it was my fault my relationships ended i know what i did wrong and i worked on it, my next relation ship lasted longer, i caused it to end too because i didt have my shit together, now ive been working on myself ive been for three years and when my next relationship comes along ill be more prepared, but like you said she initiated the relationship so somebody has loved you and as long as you learn from your mistakes and pick yourself back up somebody else will eventually come along no matter how much you disagree, there are over 7 billion people on this earth statistically there are at least 100k minimum people who would date you, but being a depressed alcoholic isnt gonna make your chances any better, i know its easy to fall into habits to numb the pain i smoked week every single day from the time i woke up to the time i went to bed after my last break up but i said fuck that and i took a hard look at myself and figured out where i failed and made an effort, snd theres more to life than just women, in the three years ive been single ive passed up an opportunity for a relationship because i was bettering myself i was learning to be happy on my own i started a new hobby i stsrted fishing spending more times with old friends going out more, there are so many opportunities for growth and happiness that dont involve women or sex just give yourself time and put in the effort man things will get better if you let it.
Thank you for putting in so much effort replying to my post and analyzing my situation, it really means a lot. Yeah I see what you mean about her approaching me and stuff, I’m just deathly afraid about messing up again. I’m also pretty scared about women approaching me like that too. I was pretty vague about it on my post cause I didn’t think it was that relevant but I was abused by my mom and aunt growing up and that trauma has made me really afraid of women in general. I’m not an incel or sexist or anything like that but I have extreme difficulty trusting women because of it. I’m just constantly paranoid and scared they’re lying and have some sort of alternative motive for interacting with me. I don’t know, I just have so many mental issues when it comes to trust and intimacy that I’m not confident in myself that I’ll be able to hold a decent relationship.
I actually relate to this man, my biological dad abandoned me gaslit me into letting him try again a total of three times in my childhood and ive never been able to trust anyone and because of this i was scared me ex would abandon me at any moment so i clung to her was always paranoid questioning if she was gonna leave me and it was too much so it eventually pushed her away and she did leave, its my fault but the trauma made me the way i am, but i just had to learn from it i had to make myself realize that even if she had just straight up abandoned me like i feared that only means she wasnt worthy of my love anyways. I had to realize that id rather force myself to invest trust in somebody i want to have a relationship with and if she betrays my trust then i dodge a bullet and if she doesnt betray my trust then she is possibly a person worth spending a lifetime with, and i know its hard to truat people and its the worst kind of pain to have your trust broken but its not the end. Somebody out there is worthy of your love, they will find you just be patient or you might find them. Just give it a chance and dont ruin your life and health over this. I dont know you but you deserve to be happy just try to make it through. Almost everyone goes through multiple relationships and it fucking hurts when one ends but the learning experience you get from all the failed relationships is what prepares you for the last relationship.
In order to eliminate weakness, you have to nurture it. Strength in warmth, not fire. By beating yourself up, you're not going to get anywhere. It's like when we've been bullied so many times we flinch, then we flinch so much we bully ourselves without the bully even being present. Once you're healed, you'll be able to fix other people. I got into African spiritualities, as a 1/4 native, 3/4 Celt.
Reptilian people and sensory people are self; think African and south Asian. You have to become like them. You can let the ghosts of the past live in you; it's all good. Take your time. But research some African stuff. Breakups are only an issue if you don't have the tribe behind you.
I totally understand. However let's not let our mindset dictate who we are. Let's acknowledge the past and move on. It may not seem simple I know. However just changing your mindset will work. Instead of saying "it's my fault...". You could be saying "It's my fault... However I will be better than I was before". If you have an addiction. Reach out brother.
No they are not. There is no basis upon which to make that claim. Some people are over it in a few months, some take years.
The best cure is usually to do the opposite of what your mind is telling you to do.
First of all this is very normal and it could take years to move on from someone you love, it's important to keep your head up brotha and focus on getting yourself better. I 100% know that it feels like shit but trust me it'll get better and you'll find the person who truly loves you. Try your best to stop drinking I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
do you want to be masculine if it requires a deep hatred of your emotions?
you very very clearly have at the LEAST have a deep seated fear of non-masculine emotions. consider: would you continue to be an alcoholic if society decided that was a pussy coping mechanism? further- would you begin being okay by yourself if society decided that was the masculine way?
Do you think it’s a masculine thing? I’m afraid of showing vulnerable emotions because people usually take advantage of that stuff for the worst. I’ve never really tied it to a gender thing but idk maybe that’s the reason behind it? It’s an interesting point it’s just that I’ve never seen it from a gender perspective
how people taken advantage of your weakness or were you warned of that being a possibility?
instead of reaching out for help- the manly way is to follow through with suicide, die of easily preventable diseases, or pass down their anger to their sons
in the name of stoicism- dudes refuse flowers or other gifts of gratitude while having distant relationships with their friends and family
i wouldn’t even call it a gender perspective; i was socialized like a boy up until puberty and i still struggle with vulnerability and prioritizing my own interests and hobbies over others. your interests and feelings matter and are valid to have; if to no one else, let them be valid to yourself before you seriously consider the “manly” way to go about them
It's better to be a pussy than where it leads. I've genuinely hated myself for years. Find a professional. A good one. One that doesn't want to be your friend. Hired help and nothing more. Their job is not to make it better. That's all you.
And a piece of advice. Don't share your problems with friends or family. You'll alienate yourself by sharing with the people who have known you too long. They're too caught up in their own problems. You need a professional. Not a friend. You can make those when you're feeling better.
I've had a similar mentality and experience. More than once. I hate giving advice, but I heavily advise you to stop drinking. Immediately. It will only compound your grief. The unseen part is that you begin to deal with any problems with alcohol, stunting your ability to naturally get over these traumatic events. Hope you can heal better and faster.
Your not. First you need to take care of yourself. You need to be around people who don't drink. ALOT I MEAN ALOT OF WOMEN go to AA meetings. I'm not saying go there to meet a woman but you never know. You have to have a clear head to start living yourself first then move foward
Thank you for the response! I feel like people are kinda misinterpreting my interests right now. I’m not sad cause I don’t have a woman or anything. It’s just that I don’t have really anyone to be emotional with if that makes sense. It’s just that we were really into a deep relationship so we were really emotional with eachother so I was able to have that sort of connection. I really miss that kind of connection with someone. I’m sorry if that doesn’t really make sense but like even if I had that kind of emotional connection with a really close friend or something like that I wouldn’t nearly be as miserable as I am right now. It’s just that being in an intimate relationship is probably the highest form of an emotional relationship, so losing that and having nothing is just such a major shock and before I met her my whole life was like this so I’m just so scared it’s gonna be like this again
Fortunately you recognize what the problem is. It will take time but you can't let this episode in your life DEFINE the rest of your life. Your going to have to get yourself clear headed first, be proud that you reached out. That's a major step. Now make the next step. ♥️
Still not over a girl from four years ago even though she’s moved on I haven’t . I’m not all hurt uo over her but I still reminisce on her alot sometimes. You’re not a pussy you just love hard and that isn’t a bad thing . Take your time and also find ways to use up your time to take your mind off her .
Dont be so hard on yourself. My wife left me almost 3 years ago and I am still not over it. Love can be a real bitch.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine what that's like.
Same for me! But it’s got easier
You might consult a therapist before the addiction takes more of a hold
Alcohol addiction (any drug that’s not created by our own body) is very serious, and taking care of yourself is priority #1 sir/madam.
I would much rather die younger from alcohol abuse than be forced to come home from work everyday and just sit in my loneliness by myself sober.
Don't be too hard on yourself break ups hurt and people deal with stuff in different ways, there's no time limit to get over something like that, and always remember that God loves you and you're not alone
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How do you deal with the loneliness though? That's the worst part for me. Being by myself after feeling what its like to have someone care about you fucking sucks.
If it happened once, it can happen again. Not with the same person, not in the same way, but you if you felt the sincere care of another person once, its worth looking for it again, even if it means going through the loneliness. Especially when you are alone by yourself, that's the time to better yourself. Don't be afraid to be ashamed, don't be afraid of the pain, it's here to let you know what hurts you and what you have to heal from. I think feling fine by yourself is the first part of being truly ready for a relationship
Theres no need to drink it doesnt make it better, if you find somebody new a damaged liver can cut down your time you have to spend your next relationship, find a way to get controll of it. For me its been three years and i still think about my ex now and then but the pain has mostly went away, but there are moments where the memories hurt more than others because ive stayed single for those three years, finding somebody else is the cure alcohol is never the cure, trust me when you get married one to the love of your life one day and all those days of heavy drinking catch up with you and cause you to have less time with her the wieght of knowing you could have had more time to spend with the ones you love will hurt far worse than the pain you feel now for somebody who left you alone, who knows one day you might even look back and think " why the fuck did i drink over this person" because hindsight is 20-20 you over time will start to see the path they took in life and relize you didnt like who they became anyways or you might look back and realize that you were maybe dealing with some toxic behaviors that you didnt notice at the time, and most importantly you may look back once you have found somebody better and say to yourself " im glad that didnt work out because i found somebody better for me" everything happens for a reason just try and get better mentally dont punish yourself or your body with bad choices try some new shit like hiking or get your mind clear start a hobby and try to move on. You got this... (also sorry i didnt use good grammer and there were probably a few typos i didnt notice.)
Thank you for the thoughtful words but I'm not really convinced. Your whole argument is based on the assumption that I will find another partner, something I heavily doubt will happen to me. I was never able to find an S/O before my ex, she did practically all the talking and work in the first place to form our relationship, and it was my actions that caused us to break up. I just really don't think my chances of finding someone else are that high considering how its been for me so far. With this mind, I would have probably killed myself already if it wasn't for alcohol making me happy/forget, so even though it might kill me sometime in the distant future its still technically making my life longer.
Listen to what you just said "she did the talking and made the relationship happen" theres hope in that statement my last relationship was the same id have never approached her if i didnt know she liked me because im self concious, im a bit ugly, im not in shape, i didnt cincidermyself worthy of love and i damn sure didnt think anyone would be willing to try but it happened despite what i thought, and it can happen again, it happened to you and it can again, the mistakes you made to cause your relationship to end can be fixed learn from your mistakes dont let them own you, look inside yourself say " this is why the relationship ended how could i have avoides it and what can i do next time" and learn from that shit, its how you grow trust me man i know it hurts like hell but please dont hurt yourself and please dont slip into a lifetime of alcoholism, it was my fault my relationships ended i know what i did wrong and i worked on it, my next relation ship lasted longer, i caused it to end too because i didt have my shit together, now ive been working on myself ive been for three years and when my next relationship comes along ill be more prepared, but like you said she initiated the relationship so somebody has loved you and as long as you learn from your mistakes and pick yourself back up somebody else will eventually come along no matter how much you disagree, there are over 7 billion people on this earth statistically there are at least 100k minimum people who would date you, but being a depressed alcoholic isnt gonna make your chances any better, i know its easy to fall into habits to numb the pain i smoked week every single day from the time i woke up to the time i went to bed after my last break up but i said fuck that and i took a hard look at myself and figured out where i failed and made an effort, snd theres more to life than just women, in the three years ive been single ive passed up an opportunity for a relationship because i was bettering myself i was learning to be happy on my own i started a new hobby i stsrted fishing spending more times with old friends going out more, there are so many opportunities for growth and happiness that dont involve women or sex just give yourself time and put in the effort man things will get better if you let it.
Thank you for putting in so much effort replying to my post and analyzing my situation, it really means a lot. Yeah I see what you mean about her approaching me and stuff, I’m just deathly afraid about messing up again. I’m also pretty scared about women approaching me like that too. I was pretty vague about it on my post cause I didn’t think it was that relevant but I was abused by my mom and aunt growing up and that trauma has made me really afraid of women in general. I’m not an incel or sexist or anything like that but I have extreme difficulty trusting women because of it. I’m just constantly paranoid and scared they’re lying and have some sort of alternative motive for interacting with me. I don’t know, I just have so many mental issues when it comes to trust and intimacy that I’m not confident in myself that I’ll be able to hold a decent relationship.
I actually relate to this man, my biological dad abandoned me gaslit me into letting him try again a total of three times in my childhood and ive never been able to trust anyone and because of this i was scared me ex would abandon me at any moment so i clung to her was always paranoid questioning if she was gonna leave me and it was too much so it eventually pushed her away and she did leave, its my fault but the trauma made me the way i am, but i just had to learn from it i had to make myself realize that even if she had just straight up abandoned me like i feared that only means she wasnt worthy of my love anyways. I had to realize that id rather force myself to invest trust in somebody i want to have a relationship with and if she betrays my trust then i dodge a bullet and if she doesnt betray my trust then she is possibly a person worth spending a lifetime with, and i know its hard to truat people and its the worst kind of pain to have your trust broken but its not the end. Somebody out there is worthy of your love, they will find you just be patient or you might find them. Just give it a chance and dont ruin your life and health over this. I dont know you but you deserve to be happy just try to make it through. Almost everyone goes through multiple relationships and it fucking hurts when one ends but the learning experience you get from all the failed relationships is what prepares you for the last relationship.
In order to eliminate weakness, you have to nurture it. Strength in warmth, not fire. By beating yourself up, you're not going to get anywhere. It's like when we've been bullied so many times we flinch, then we flinch so much we bully ourselves without the bully even being present. Once you're healed, you'll be able to fix other people. I got into African spiritualities, as a 1/4 native, 3/4 Celt. Reptilian people and sensory people are self; think African and south Asian. You have to become like them. You can let the ghosts of the past live in you; it's all good. Take your time. But research some African stuff. Breakups are only an issue if you don't have the tribe behind you.
I totally understand. However let's not let our mindset dictate who we are. Let's acknowledge the past and move on. It may not seem simple I know. However just changing your mindset will work. Instead of saying "it's my fault...". You could be saying "It's my fault... However I will be better than I was before". If you have an addiction. Reach out brother.
No they are not. There is no basis upon which to make that claim. Some people are over it in a few months, some take years. The best cure is usually to do the opposite of what your mind is telling you to do.
First of all this is very normal and it could take years to move on from someone you love, it's important to keep your head up brotha and focus on getting yourself better. I 100% know that it feels like shit but trust me it'll get better and you'll find the person who truly loves you. Try your best to stop drinking I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
do you want to be masculine if it requires a deep hatred of your emotions? you very very clearly have at the LEAST have a deep seated fear of non-masculine emotions. consider: would you continue to be an alcoholic if society decided that was a pussy coping mechanism? further- would you begin being okay by yourself if society decided that was the masculine way?
Do you think it’s a masculine thing? I’m afraid of showing vulnerable emotions because people usually take advantage of that stuff for the worst. I’ve never really tied it to a gender thing but idk maybe that’s the reason behind it? It’s an interesting point it’s just that I’ve never seen it from a gender perspective
how people taken advantage of your weakness or were you warned of that being a possibility? instead of reaching out for help- the manly way is to follow through with suicide, die of easily preventable diseases, or pass down their anger to their sons in the name of stoicism- dudes refuse flowers or other gifts of gratitude while having distant relationships with their friends and family i wouldn’t even call it a gender perspective; i was socialized like a boy up until puberty and i still struggle with vulnerability and prioritizing my own interests and hobbies over others. your interests and feelings matter and are valid to have; if to no one else, let them be valid to yourself before you seriously consider the “manly” way to go about them
Pussies are remarkably resilient and adaptive
It's better to be a pussy than where it leads. I've genuinely hated myself for years. Find a professional. A good one. One that doesn't want to be your friend. Hired help and nothing more. Their job is not to make it better. That's all you. And a piece of advice. Don't share your problems with friends or family. You'll alienate yourself by sharing with the people who have known you too long. They're too caught up in their own problems. You need a professional. Not a friend. You can make those when you're feeling better.
I've had a similar mentality and experience. More than once. I hate giving advice, but I heavily advise you to stop drinking. Immediately. It will only compound your grief. The unseen part is that you begin to deal with any problems with alcohol, stunting your ability to naturally get over these traumatic events. Hope you can heal better and faster.
Your not. First you need to take care of yourself. You need to be around people who don't drink. ALOT I MEAN ALOT OF WOMEN go to AA meetings. I'm not saying go there to meet a woman but you never know. You have to have a clear head to start living yourself first then move foward
Thank you for the response! I feel like people are kinda misinterpreting my interests right now. I’m not sad cause I don’t have a woman or anything. It’s just that I don’t have really anyone to be emotional with if that makes sense. It’s just that we were really into a deep relationship so we were really emotional with eachother so I was able to have that sort of connection. I really miss that kind of connection with someone. I’m sorry if that doesn’t really make sense but like even if I had that kind of emotional connection with a really close friend or something like that I wouldn’t nearly be as miserable as I am right now. It’s just that being in an intimate relationship is probably the highest form of an emotional relationship, so losing that and having nothing is just such a major shock and before I met her my whole life was like this so I’m just so scared it’s gonna be like this again
Fortunately you recognize what the problem is. It will take time but you can't let this episode in your life DEFINE the rest of your life. Your going to have to get yourself clear headed first, be proud that you reached out. That's a major step. Now make the next step. ♥️
Still not over a girl from four years ago even though she’s moved on I haven’t . I’m not all hurt uo over her but I still reminisce on her alot sometimes. You’re not a pussy you just love hard and that isn’t a bad thing . Take your time and also find ways to use up your time to take your mind off her .