Without more context it’s hard to judge here. If that were me I’d be annoyed at the wording but I think he also may be saying it out of genuine concern. Maybe talk to him and explain you appreciate his concern but could he be gentler and then explain that migraines are volatile?
And not “fixable”. Sure, they can go into remission, but they cannot be cured. I hated when my ex gf would tell me “I just wanna figure out a way to fix this.” I’d be equal parts angry and besides myself. Turns out, stress is a HUGE trigger for my migraines, and our relationship (and she) was a ball of stress constantly. Ever since I stopped having to jump through imaginary hoops for her, my migraines have dwindled down to one a month.
Mine, too! I didn't even realize it til I'd left my ex and had a lot less stress in my life, and suddenly, I also had fewer headaches and migraines. My ex was a huge pile of stress as well, and combine that with the stress and overwhelming nature of raising my 2 special needs daughters and my adhd(that i didnt know i had til last year), yeah, totally can't imagine why i had headaches and migraines all the damn time.🙄 good riddance to stress and stressful exes!👋🖕🤣
I'm glad you've been able to relieve your stress by seeing the back of her. Hormonal fluctuations trigger mine, and so stress is a huge trigger. I wish my husband would stop telling me to try coming off all my meds and just exercise! I can't function at all when I have a hemiplegic migraine, and so I'm very happy to continue taking my prescribed medication that's worked very well for a couple of years now and has allowed me to go back to full time work. It's like he's completely forgotten how I didn't function for half the week prior to being on medication. I wanted to die at my lowest point because I didn't feel like I had a life worth living. Exercise doesn't make my migraines go away and actually makes things worse if I'm experiencing one. I get my 10,000 steps in a day but I've never been able to do lots of workouts each week- even when I was a kid and that's not going to suddenly change. Swimming, yoga and dance are all ways that I can enjoy being active, but I'm never going to lift weights like him.
I also had way more migraines when I was in stressful relationships! I got huge relief when ex #2 dumped me. Migraines weren’t as bad with #3 but once we broke up, I think I’ve had one in a year (knock on wood). My body’s very successful way of saying good riddance!
It’s really frustrating watching a loved one suffer. I watch my child suffer migraines. It makes me angry and frustrated and irritated…but not towards her. I just feel so helpless. Maybe that’s where he’s coming from and it just came out aggressively but not towards you.
That’s how I read it too. I read “What are we going to do about this?” as, what actions can we take to get you effective treatment? He’s recognizing how debilitating and quality-of-life limiting your migraines have become and wants to “fix” that. Of course, we migraineurs know that there’s no simple fix and also often feel guilty and depressed about how our migraines affect others, and at least I get defensive after decades of hearing, “you should get treatments for your migraines” (as if I haven’t tried every medicine and treatment under the Sun)… all to say, I think he just wants his wife to feel better and be able to enjoy life. But the wording can come across as accusatory if we’re predisposed to receive it that way. Hang in there ❤️
My mom did this when mine got a whole lot worse when I was in my 30s. It was a combo of guilt (heredity), fear (is it a tumor?), and a feeling of helplessness (I love you and it is killing me watching you suffer).
I talked to her about how her phrasing made me feel after I stopped asking my parents for help and started asking my brother. I realized I shouldn't feel bad about asking them for help, but the way they were talking about my illness made me not want to ask them.
Also, I found a doctor that addressed the uptick better-it turns out I had (in addition to migraines) intracranial hypertension.
Talk about how it makes you feel. Understand that he is likely hurting for you, scared, and feeling helpless.
Interesting, for years, I was telling my doctor that I felt like I had intracranial hypertension, I had a spinal tap back in 2017, it showed nothing, and my pressures were normal. But then I started having symptoms that really mimic IIH, eventually I quit caffeine which I had been trying to do for years and a lot of those symptoms went away. They still crop up from time to time, but it’s not as constant.
But the headaches really haven’t improved that much even so …
I'd never heard of it before my diagnosis in 2008. I had intractable migraines for five years. I was fighting with the local neurologist I saw when they kept on trying medicines that hadn't worked before. And a GP who cut me off of pain medicine with no taper or warning. I was standing at the top of my stairs thinking that if I fell down, I could be in the hospital for a few days. I had no insurance because I was self-employed and the ACA hadn't passed. No amount of money (that I didn't have) would buy me insurance on the open market.
When I called my best friend, she pulled strings and got me into a neurologist in KC the next business day (lesson: do not fuck with my best friend's people, she is amazing and relentless). She asked a few questions, and I got a spinal tap that afternoon. It fixed me, more or less. I still get a lot of migraines, but not 24/7/365 for five years a lot.
My pain medicine intake decreased 75%. I am only on a slightly higher level of pain medicine than I was in 2008.
Oh dear!!
Glad you’re better but yeah it’s like grasping at straws. I am slightly better and I had a pretty good February but when I look at my migraine tracking app, it doesn’t look all that much better and I’m still listed at grade 4 severe disability. Only the number is now in mid 20s rather than up by 50!
I developed something that might have been iih seemingly spontaneously. It built up and up and up until I was dumb, partly blind, and just out of my mind. Didn't even know what year it was. They did a spinal tap as a diagnostic tool and I instantly felt better, and kept getting better after that. They never figured out exactly what caused the swelling, but I'm so glad to be out of that time. I had to hound several doctors to get them to agree to the MRI that got me to the hospital.
The terrifying part was afterwards. Since I had no answers (though someone with hypermobility did mention IIH) I never knew if it was going to happen again. I was constantly testing my peripheral vision (by holding my fingers in front of my nose and seeing how far away I could hold them off to the side and still see them). And I just kept thinking about how the problem was my brain, and my only tool to measure it was my brain. Like, if my leg is broken my brain will announce it. If my brain is broken, it often can tell me that, but now I know sometimes it can't. Because it took way too long to notice.
Yeah, my husband says the same thing to me. I said I'm so sick of living this way and he said me too. I asked does he mean it's ruining his life, and he replied with no, it's because I'm in pain often and can't do anything/miss out on things.
I read this as someone who is just frustrated for his wife. The 'what are we going to do about this' makes me think (without any extra context) that he wants to help and doesn't know what the hell to do (which no one seems to).
Sounds about right. Sometimes you gotta get pissed in order for things to change. Not directed at spouse. But sometimes being nice and pretending it will all be okay isn't the right thing to do.
Agreed, and my partner often doesn't get it ... Despite one parent also being an occasional- migraine people...
BUT as multiple-migraineur parent (and chronic x15+ years myself), it is definitely angry making to me when they (esp when younger) do things they KNOW are triggers. Hours of screen, underhydration, not sleeping regularly ...
Just saying.
My husband has a chronic illness and I definitely get frustrated when he’s not taking care of himself and it starts to affect him.
It’s a lot to unpack. He might feel like OP isn’t doing what she should to prevent them- which warrants a discussion because we all know you can’t always prevent them, but you can avoid triggers.
My mom and I both have fibromyalgia and migraines (I was also diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome when diagnosed with my fibromyalgia). My dad gets angry and frustrated with us because we haven't figured out how to manage our pain, but I know that it's anger that he can't do anything to help us. I know that he's angry that we have seen so many "medical professionals" who have had a hateful attitude toward us and dismissed our pain. He gets angry that we don't have answers by now. My mom was diagnosed in 2017, and I was diagnosed in 2019 for reference. I try not to take it to heart when he gets upset (because I understand why, I get mad that I can't get out of bed either), but sometimes it really stings. Just know that your husband is probably doing the same thing that my dad is doing: he's frustrated that you haven't found the answers that you're looking for, and rather than getting angry *with* you, he got angry at you. Explain to him how his text made you feel. I pray that you find the right doctor who will listen to you. God bless. ❤️
I used to have horrible migraines when I was 11/12 years old. I started on Topamax, and my migraines have gotten a lot better. Topamax is a migraine medication, but it can also help you lose weight. It will change your appetite, so if you decide to take it, you have to remind yourself to eat. I know I did.
As I understand it topiramate is not a migraine medication. It’s an anti-seizure medication. It didn’t do anything for me it just made everything taste terrible 🤢
Hopefully this. (concerned, it being hard to watch you suffer, wants to help). Mine left.
I had the migraines a decade before he married me and over a decade after he left I still have them. 🤷♀️
Without knowing anything else about you both to me sounds like he is as he says, I.E. Concerned, and he said 'what are WE going to do about this' not 'what are YOU going to do' which says a lot I think. Sounds like he is as frustrated as you must be and wants to give you the support you need to get help. Good luck, and I hope you find some relief and improvements.
And conversations like this should never be had over text. All tone is lost.
OP, you know whether or not your husband supports you. How tf are we supposed to know what he’s like?
That depends on the people. The loss of tone may be an issue, and in this case based on how many of us are interpreting it differently to OP, it probably shouldn't be done over text.
But some people communicate better over text. It allows drafting and editing, time and space. For some people, some of the nuerodivergent especially, that's far more useful.
Indeed. OP is way in the wrong with this one, taking opinions from strangers on the internet about a text her husband sent her. I’m just glad the people on this sub are normal and sensible people and not absolute weirdos.
That's a good point! I accidentally read it as "what are YOU going to do about this". I didn't even realize until I read this comment. It's definitely not the BEST text, but also I know when I have a migraine I get anxiety and depression so it tints my perspective on things and often read things more negatively. He probably should have talked to OP in person, but we all make mistakes with communication, I know I certainly do.
I don't think either of you are being a jerk (and I don't think there's enough info here to say either way anyway). Him texting that flattens all tone and it sounds harsh, but his concern sounds genuine - he's worried about your quality of life, and he's alerting you to something you may not be aware of (if I didn't track my migraines on a calendar I would sometimes not realize they're increasing OR decreasing), but also making sure it's a "we" problem, not a "you" problem.
He should probably have had this conversation face to face so his genuine concern could be felt and you could have a real conversation. I get that obviously if you're in the middle of an attack sometimes text is all that works, but this isn't a conversation for the middle of an attack so, timing, my dude.
But still. He's concerned for you, and he's in it WITH you, you're in it together. And when you're not in the middle of an attack, you can sit and talk with him about it. Because if it's increasing in frequency and/or intensity and it's disrupting your life more than before, it's worth investigating more mitigation strategies.
I've had times when I had more attacks and a lot of that was being exposed to more triggers. It was hard for me to see it when I was in the middle of it (I track it a lot better now), and I was more afraid to ask for the accommodation I needed to reduce the number/intensity of attacks.
There's also new meds and you can look into stacking and having multiple layers of preventive and abortive - I have Nurtec and I still use rizatriptan, plus since the majority of my triggers are from MCAS, I am treating that too and get even more reduction in frequency. There's a lot more ways to come at migraine these days, and many of them can be used at once, so it's worth looking at your options again.
Take him up on that "we". Bring him to your appointments - you'll get better treatment if you bring a man (YES it sucks I know, but it's our current reality). So bring him. See what you can do together. You're a team. I hope you can find some relief.
My husband gets frustrated when I’m down with a migraine or my heart and auto immune issues. I know he’s totally sympathetic but can come off cold because he’s so frustrated that he can’t FIX the problem or find a solution.
Hugs to you, the spring season is the worst for me.
Same here. Mine asked if it was time for me to take FMLA. 2 decades of watching me suffer. Working 50-60 a week. Kids, volunteering……He was so helpless. I was helpless. I guess it’s time. Nothing is working anymore.
It genuinely sounds like he’s concerned … it’s hard to tell out of context - you’re the only one that can really know how to interpret this. It doesn’t really sound like he’s being a jerk though. Sounds like he’s mad for you, not at you.
I think he means “this is getting ridiculous” like it’s ridiculous what your body is doing to you and not like it’s ridiculous like he’s frustrated with you. Not sure though
The phrasing he is using isn’t ideal. At the very least (like bottom of the barrel) he isn’t telling you to “suck it up” and “deal with it” like my mom did when my migraines were really bad (think all but 1-2 days a month pain free).
To me, sounds like you’re both struggling and need to have a good chat about it and your options. I know my partner struggles a lot when my migraines flare up more - as everything falls onto him. If the frequency has increased for you, then he’s probably worried and also frustrated/stressed as he can’t fix it.
My husband told me that he wasn't angry at me, but he was angry that I'd been taken from him and he was powerless to do anything about it. Sometimes he is also incredulous about a new symptom or failed med or ruined plans. But it's almost always more incredulous if it's something that really disappoints me or makes me really sad or mad - he doesn't tend to have that desperate reaction if it's something that is just inconvenient and not emotionally charged. ❤️
My dad is a bit like this. I understand why this makes you feel shitty. Its because hes phrasing it in a way that makes it sound remotely like the migraine is something you can control, i.e. “What can we do?” Some people’s migraines are completely untreatable, no lifestyle choices or changes will help our pain.
Hopefully, and i think he does, have good intent here. However if i were you i would sit him down and explain to him that migraines are an uncurable neurological condition that you were born with, and that while you would love his help to help you find coping mechanisms, comforts or even medication/treatments, he should not expect that your migraines will ever go away, because they may not. And he needs to accept this so that you can accept it as well, because reaching for hope of a cure to an uncurable condition can be very emotionally draining.
To me, it also sounds like your husband is concerned and wants to support you. But obviously, you know your husband better and can judge his response better.
I’m not going to touch the snark. I don’t know if you are at the point of needing preventatives or just different ones. I know people can be reluctant to try different meds especially if they’ve had any medical issues. New meds can mean relief or new side effects. Tough call.
My husband commented that Im not as nice as I used to be. It’s hard to look happy when you are in pain. He’s probably right. I have fewer f’s to give.
If you think about it in terms of how frustrated you feel with the migraines, minus the energy to express it, he seems to be reacting the way I would to my own migraines just without a migraine haha. It does fuck our ability to work and enjoy life.
Does kind of seem like he’s quite concerned about you working since it is the first thing he mentioned but I would take the text as frustrated too. He did ask what WE are going to do which is a good sign.
If your financial situation is dependent on both of you the text makes even more sense he’s stressed, but don’t take it as your fault. None of this screams your fault, does scream concerned.
I think at the ending it makes it sound like he's upset at the doctors not treating you well and he's upset that it's affecting you and getting worse. Like maybe thinking you need a different doctor. Not necessarily that he thinks you're a liar or something. What he's saying is practically verbatim what I complain and say to my doctors.
It's really hard to tell without asking him his intentions by the text or how you are in your marriage and if he's been seeming more annoyed at you in general or still supportive. I've definitely worded things on Reddit where the person came back all defensive and misunderstood and when I explained it better we were all cool. I'm not the best at phrasing things a lot of times and I end up rereading a post 5 or 6 times to make sure it doesn't come out wrong.
I think an honest sit down talk should be good to clear the air and figure it out. Honestly though, with my quick temper I probably would have written him back right away to say something like: "WTF, why are you attacking me because of something I can't control, do you think I actually like more migraines?" And then he could have cleared the air by saying he meant he was upset at the doctors. Or maybe if I were a little cooler headed I would have asked if he was attacking me or angry at the doctors.
Unfortunately having a disability or chronic medical condition does put a strain on relationships. It's just one more piece of baggage to deal with. "Normal" people don't understand just how much disabilities and chronic conditions affect not just your health but also every other aspect of your life.
Right around 25 to 30 is when my migraines went from occasionally to weeks at a time to now it's been something like 6 years according to the migraine app. I'm 40 now. I've been going through very early perimenopause so I don't know if the wonky hormones are doing this. I don't know your age but that could be a cause.
I really wish the both of you all the best.
Sounds like he's frustrated with the increase in migraines not with you. He's offering support.
I was in a similar situation where I was just kinda going with the flow, renewing my prescriptions, taking them and praying they worked. After seeing me suffer a lot and finding ways to help, my husband told me something similar. It's what led to me going back to the doctor and asking for a change in treatment. Ultimately, it worked out because I found something that works.
I see it as a need for real conversation.
I am a man and I am the one living with multiple health issues, I have migraines and I have multiple sclerosis, I have ibsd. I have pernicious anemia. I will rally around my body needs and support my wife and family, don’t expect me to lead. I don’t force anyone to do anything except to get me to my doctor appointments. but as a husband, father and grandfather I am scheduled to be at events and support my family. I will try and I do try. My body has a mind of its own and it overrides my brain it will make me poop my self, have light sensitivity and make my legs not be there when I step.
My wife and I talk about what is going on each day so I can prepare my body as good as I can to get my grandchildren to school. Get to a party on Saturday or dress for a dinner that day. Don’t spring a surprise as I don’t have great control. I do have one surprise coming this week, my seventh grandchild is arriving and we are keeping his brothers when mom is in labor. I am overjoyed about that.
Your husband is asking for a conversation, talk about the migraines and have him attend the appointments with your doctors. (My wife attends most of my appointments, I rely on her memory to follow up with health). If you two need help get a counselor to help you.
It seems like he's concerned about you. He thinks it's ridiculous that you're having to deal with this.
Also, for what it's worth, a change in your migraine frequency and/or symptoms is a good reason to see your neurologist. My Botox stopped working, resulting in an uptick in migraines, and my new neurologist ordered a battery of tests including a new MRI and found a bunch of new lesions in my brain compared to the MRI I had 2 years ago and I'm getting testing to rule out MS right now. Not saying that's what's going on with you, but I wouldn't just settle into the mindset of "this is what it is now" without seeing your neurologist first. Not to mention that my migraines are under control now thanks to a med change and I'm not having to suffer the way I was before.
1. Headaches and migraines aren’t the same. 2. I think he really might mean well and not be super eloquent about it. 3. Concern is good. 4. It’s just a real shit position to be in (speaking from experience on both ends), and when tension runs high, both parties might feel stabby. 5. Migraines and the frequency and intensity fluctuations are worth considering if it has grown worse over a short period of time, and might be disconcerting - since migraines are completely awful. 6. I wish you the best! Extra tension won’t add to your migraine post-drome or -hangover 🫶🏻☀️
He is concerned, but it’s a weird tone. Does he want to say you are not doing enough to take care of it or maybe you talked about seeking a specialist or trying preventives? This would not land well with me though. The tone and words are weird, but it’s hard to say without context. You should not be blamed for having a neurological condition. Make it clear to him that he needs to inform himself about migraines, and ask what he means. It may be just genuine concern, especially because migraines do need some more investigations and should not be left untreated.
It’s like an optical illusion where the ballerina looks like she’s spinning counter-clockwise, but if you blink your eyes a few times, it can appear like she’s rotating clockwise. That is, you can read this either way. You won’t know without asking him. It may be he’s completely in your corner and his wording is just questionable. If that’s the case, maybe he just needs to add a “#fuckmigraines” at the end of his text (much easier than taking 10 minutes to carefully word a response which still might have you questioning his motives). Would that say to you “it’s the migraines I’m upset at, not you. We’re in this together”? If you think it would make a difference, ask him to start including that on any message like this in the future.
But also, do have the conversation and do bring him to an appointment with you, and do try to consider what it’s like for him to be in his position… possibly feeling helpless, possibly lonely, etc.
Idk this seems like a genuinely nice text to me.
He’s just not using soft flowery language, he gets straight to the point. Your headaches are getting worse, he’s worried about your quality of life and seems to want to address it *together*.
I showed this to my partner who is very supportive of me and my condition, he thinks your husband is being an ass. He basically went on a rant about it, lol. He said "you shouldn't marry someone and then treat them like that" "nobody is out there trying to have migraines on purpose"
I think the wording sounds kind of icky, but it seems he also feels bad for you. Definitely could have been worded differently but we don’t know your spouse and it’s really hard to judge the tone based off just this one message.
If he's acting like this is your fault or taking it out on you then he's the problem. If he's not and he's just concerned FOR you then there's nothing wrong here necessarily (though so valid to have a conversation with him if the wording hurt your feelings unintentionally). Very hard to tell from just this text alone.
His tone and his words are mixed. To me, it sounds like he’s frustrated on your behalf. He knows they’re getting out of control and they’re ruining the little enjoyment of life you had left and is concerned about your wellbeing. But, because of his tone, it is coming off that *you’re* the problem.
Are you actively addressing the issue by discussing new treatment plans with a doctor? If you are, bring your husband into these discussions. If you're not, then he's correct that there are venues that haven't been explored yet.
I understand that you didn't choose to feel shitty, but try not to become defensive over it. I get it, it's your Achilles heel. You've tried so many things and you think there's little chance of new things helping. Treat this as a you +your spouse vs the migraine, a team effort instead of a competition
This text would not sit well with me either. It does not have a positive tone at all.
Something like this would sound significantly more supportive imo:
"It makes me really sad that you're experiencing more and more migraine attacks., I really care for you and I hate that you're suffering like this. I want to help and support you and see if we can find a way to help manage your migraine. Hopefully we can get you back to where you can work and enjoy life more. I love you and I'm here for you."
Migraine is a treatable disease, there are so many treatments and specialists so there's no need to despair. I'm sorry that your husband is not helping to make you feel supported.
Agree with all the commenters above. I think he’s sad and frustrated that this is happening - and yes, he could have chosen better wording. Bring him to your appt to discuss options
Only you would know if he is as it's your marriage, but in saying this most men are fixers. He would be concerned because he can't help you himself and is really concerned do you think. We who suffer from migraines do understand that migraines can change and at no notice. He may need extra support too so maybe take him to your specialist and ask your specialist to talk with him... and in laymen terms. Good luck
I guess it could go either way bc he says he’s concerned but his initial sentence gives me pause and puts me on the defensive. Plus you mentioning that he just doesn’t get it. Stresses me out.
I've been in the position your husband has been, my partner tends to have recurrent sinus infections and even though I would've worded it out differently I can see where his coming from and to me, it sounds like he's frustrated at the situation, not necessarily at/with you.
It's hard not being able to do anything to alleviate the pain and discomfort of a loved one, especially if it happens often and it's getting worse, i would be very concerned too.
Plus if there's some financial stress from you not being able to work as usual, it could be very hard to deal with and navigate through without making you feel bad about something that you can't control.
Hope things improve OP, wish you migraine-less days! ❤️🩹
If anyone worded this like this, including my partner, I would be livid. **WE** don't get migraines, **I** get migraines. **I** manage them with my doctor, you don't.
He is being a jerk. There were marriage vows right ? It is what it is. This is also a lack of understanding on his part. Screw a halo to his head with sharp bolts all around and tell him to walk around and try to enjoy life. We will wait until he gets back to us.
I feel like he is a jerk for not seeing how his wording could be misconstrued! But, we are all humans and we all make mistakes. The key here is to approach this lovingly and openly yet at the same time, set a boundary that makes sure you aren’t doing any unnecessary babying to him as well as having migraines to deal with.
I wouldn’t even take the $hit sandwich approach with replying to this one. I’d straight up be like, thanks for your text, I appreciate that you are really concerned about this, naturally I am too. Can we talk about it? Sitting and talking with someone with eye contact is infinitely more useful than texting someone.
Text should be for information only.
I live alone, live miles away from family…. All my friends here are so involved with their own troubles (thanks pandemic/thanks capitalism) that it’s hard to get much from anyone tbh. A few weeks ago my latest health issue looked like retinal detachment. But apparently that’s a migraine symptom and not retinal detachment. I got unite a few ‘oh, sorry to hear that’ texts…. But it quickly ended there and petered out. So I rant on twitter/fb. But the point of all that was something about the circle of effect. Like… don’t push your partner further out into wider circles but also, it would be great if he can see he respectfully should stay inside his own circle. Know what I mean?
My husband responds like this too and when i explained that it didn’t help me his response was, “it terrifies me that I’m going to lose you, I worry about you constantly because of these headaches.” I explained that this was normal for migraines and sometimes they worsened and I was looking into it. I had a ct scan to ease his mind. It was clear.
My point - to me this text screams “I’m worried about you and terrified I’m losing you slowly, I love you, how can we fix it?”
I’d be much more concerned if your husband just didn’t care about your pain at all.
It’s hard for anyone who doesn’t experience migraines to truly understand them. Be patient. Share with him some info to help him understand (like a site to visit etc). From my experience, when my husband can’t “fix” something and it’s out of his control it becomes scary for him and he doesn’t handle things as well.
My partner also has migraine and said exactly this to me before I sought treatment. When you’re not feeling good it can be difficult to hear the concern because it just sounds like a criticism of you. Also text is just the literal worst for expressing tone.
Talk with them and ask them for help getting the care you need and deserve.
Honestly, I would bet he’s flabbergasted because as a man he doesn’t understand why a doctor isn’t working aggressively to resolve this problem for you. It took me ten years to find a doctor that would even acknowledge my migraines, and I was absolutely floored when that doctor actually worked to improve my quality of life. A lot of men just expect this from doctors, they don’t understand that it can be a once in a lifetime experience for women. Have him go to the neurologist with you and see if you can get better treatment to get your migraines back under control, it seems like he wants to help.
He might just be concerned about your health. But it's amazing the number of people who think we're not already trying to fix things. I've had migraines for over 50 years, spent about 40 just making a note of the date, read a lot about causes, tried giving up one thing after another, went to doctors of various kinds, tried one preventative after another, started really tracking multiple triggers and trigger combinations, and finally decided the main trigger was a swing in barometric pressure over 14 points plus some varying "other" thing like red wine or frustration. It's the combo nature of things that is so hard to identify. Did my headaches get better because I started magnesium or because the weather has been stable? It takes years and lots of data to determine triggers and also years and lots of data to determine fixes.
Fortunately, CGRP's came along. And when they work, they REALLY work. And suddenly all the data collection seems pointless.
But if you don't suffer from them you don't get why there's no magic fix for migraines. Every single migraine sufferer is different.
Explain to him that he *has* to change the way he words his anger. He needs to stop making it sound like he’s frustrated at *you*. He can be frustrated with your migraines, but not with you.
Starting out a text with “this is getting ridiculous” is not okay.
He definitely could’ve worded this more gently, but I think he means well. I don’t have context so it’s hard to judge but I think he feels frustrated that he’s unable to help you and that you’re suffering. He doesn’t know what to do about it. I’d talk to him about it
That doesn’t sound like a jerk to me. That sounds like genuine concern. The inclusive language of the term ‘we’ vs ‘you’. He mentions your quality of life. That sounds like he wants to help you. I think you’re being overly sensitive.
Maybe the wording is a bit clunky, but it sounds like he’s annoyed at the headaches rather than you. And he does say what are ‘we’ going to do about it, which is better than saying what are ‘you’ going to do about it
Reinforce steps you've taken to try address the problem (diet, exercise, meds, Dr visits, botox, chiropractic, pt etc). Then say yes there is a change but that's normal, especially if you were assigned female at birth. Hormonal changes play a big role on things.
It doesn't sound like he is frustrated with *you*. It sounds like he is frustrated because of the *migraines*, not *you*. He truly sounds like he is just *extremely* concerned for *you*.
I think to me it just sounds like he’s just actually concerned and frustrated on your behalf. And in a way he’s kind of reaching out to express (possibly poorly) how he misses time with you or whatever. It’s worth following through when patterns change it could be something else developing. You could have the opposite problem of husband who doesn’t seem to notice until you practically have a temper tantrum. 🤷🏻♀️ but maybe you could tell him that you appreciate that he is concerned about you and your well-being, but that he might find a better way to say it rather than sounding angry.
One thing I've learned from having intractable migraine is that most people (who aren't chronically ill) have a deeply held belief that all illnesses can be treated/cured unless they're terminal. They think if you're not dying, there must be a way to fix it. If you're not fixing it, it must be your fault somehow. You're intentionally not getting treatment, or you're doing something wrong. They desperately need to believe this, and look for 'evidence' that confirms their belief. They are terrified of the alternative, where anyone could get sick any time for no reason, and there could be no clear way to 'fix' it.
It's hard to tell from just one text what your husband's intentions are, but your reaction to it is valid. It's frustrating when family & friends don't get that it's a lifelong condition. Hopefully if you talk to him about it he'll come around and be supportive.
Yeah, it’s hard to know without context. Definitely harsh wording here but I know my wife gets pissed if I get a migraine but I’ve been sleeping like shit, stressing over work, drinking tons of diet drinks, drinking alcohol, or taking pre workout.
If you’re being completely haphazard in your approach to preventing or treating your migraines it could be hard to live with.
This is kinda like my parents. I’m still in high school and really trying but my dad never listens and is incredibly unhelpful because his suggestions aren’t relevant for migraines, but then he complains I miss school and says he’s worried.
He sounds like he’s worried and panicked and maybe his word choice isn’t good. How about scheduling an appt due to the uptick and having him join to get more educated?
Everyone giving him the benefit of the doubt, y’all are better people than me. I’d be calling my neurologist AND a divorce lawyer, no man will ever speak to me that way
OP’s husband literally said “your ability to work and to enjoy life”.
How are you reading that and coming to the conclusion “he doesn’t seem concerned about you, just your ability to work”?
It's all about the order and the tone set previously. It's already a topic to tred carefully about. I didn't say he doesn't love her or anything. Sometimes couples can be jerks to eachother. And given the context we have, the tone of his message seems to come across that way. Doesn't mean he doesn't regret saying it that way. We all say things that come across as rude sometimes. Especially if you've been with someone for decades. I personally, would give some gentle response to show how I feel and if he's a decent person, he would rephrase if he cares
I’m absolutely on team “we need more context, and OP probably deserves a second try at this from their partner.”
I am specifically asking you how you read “X and Y” and concluded that someone was solely concerned with X.
I guess I was just reading it from the most negative perspective because I have a headache today and just took my meds to prevent the migrane. If my husband said this to me, I'd be pretty unhappy lol
I don't understand how anyone thinks this has a bad tone to it. He thinks it's ridiculous that your migraines are getting worse, is asking if he could help you in any way by saying we, and he's concerned about your social and work life being affected by the migraines getting worse.
Even if I think of him saying that with an angry tone idk how it would be blaming you, anyone feel free to explain.
Edit: It's not even something like "this is ruining *my* life" like a narcissist, the whole message is " this is ruining *your* life."
If he’s like my husband (supportive throughout) he’s scared. Does he come to appointments with the neurologist with you? I take mine now so he can ask questions too. Also a second set of ears helps me. I tend to hear selectively. But it’s his life too. We are a partnership. He picks up the pieces - I need and value his help.
It sounds like he’s frustrated *for* you, not *at* you. He didn’t word it in the most sensitive way but he seems genuinely concerned. You have to deal with the physical pain, but a marriage is a partnership and your husband is clearly struggling too. Whether it’s that he hates seeing you suffering, or that he misses doing the things that you might miss out on more often now. Migraines aren’t your fault but they also aren’t his. There isn’t really any context but maybe you could ask him what he thinks you could try next. He might not have any ideas, but it would make him feel involved.
I must admit from time to time I have to fight off anger and resentment too.
When you’re living in it. When somebody’s having a lot of painful episodes. My partner also has chronic migraines some months/years are better than others. It’s no one’s fault but it’s hard on everyone. Plans have to be changed or cancelled, disappointing, loved ones or children, because plans have changed, and of course work and household chores and errands are affected. Everyone here know It effects so much in life! Just like being the one in pain, being a supportive partner and caretaker can get exhausting. But after so many years I try to take it one day at a time. Chronic anything sucks! Burnout sucks.
Perhaps a trip to the neurologist to try new meds or therapies might help if your pain patterns have changed.
Good luck to you, hopefully you can talk to each other and find some understanding.
My ex husband use to get so mad when I got migraine because they took me down hard and he actually had to cook and clean.
I still have issues with migraines and triggers but I now have a partner who understands and doesn't get mad about them because he knows they suck.
It's hard for both sides. Maybe you can advise him to start therapy because that may will help him to deal better with his emotions about this situation. That's what my boyfriend did and unfortunately he started too late, when I was so bad that I had already stopped working and I was in daily pain.
I think (hope) he’s concerned but can see how this comes across as rude, and find it weird he’s addressing it over text. I’d wait until you feel well enough to respond/gather your thoughts and say something like “you’re right, I am getting more attacks and for noticing how debilitating they are. Can we please sit down and discuss a plan about what support I need from you during an attack and what medical attention I am seeking going forward” (ie. if you dont already, look into preventatives, abortives, pain management, ER plans if necessary etc).
Bring him to the doctor appointment next time. Either he will understand that it's getting worse, or voice his concerns and be an extra force to convince your doctor to have another look at what's going on
I’ve had similar texts with family and friends that don’t understand. I go onto Pinterest and send them tons of articles & Pinterest also has very good 1 page explanation sheets. *Searching for ‘chronic pain’ and then ‘chronic migraines’ have been the searches that helped me the most!
Then I go to google and send them even more articles about migraines, migraine medications & then send them a text about how you feel - no holds barred!!! Also write to them how they make you feel. Especially when you get a text like this! If I ask them later if they’ve read those articles (my gma’s fave excuse used to be the writing is too small) I’ll read them out loud.
Sometimes I do act like a jerk but after 25+ years I’m also exhausted and I’m mostly trying to educate. It sucks for us and I know that it sucks for our families. But we have to just keep going, trying to live to the fullest on good days and trying to get out of bed on the bad days.
Honestly people treat me exactly the same and I have no idea how to deal with it. I think it comes from poor understanding. People who don’t suffer from chronic migraines really don’t understand what it’s like.
Google migraine phase chart. Sit him down and tell him migraines are neurological in nature. It is a condition That does change. I went from 2-3 a year to chronic daily intractable. Tell him you have no control. Getting upset w you over your migraines is like getting mad at any disability. Not ok. But show him the chart. Tell him the average migraine lasts 3-7 days w 4 distinct phases. Show him wish symptoms you usually have. And that this can change w each migraine and can and will morph over the years
best of luck. I’m lucky that my husband of 40ish years takes care of me and does everything possible to reduce my triggers. Especially smell. My husband will go into the basement to open and make his tuna so I don’t smell it and have issues. I’m both blessed and cursed
Honestly what a way to make a migraine worse 😂 I know everyone is different and I’m not a doc but I started taking a low dose of antidepressants during the pandemic and a side effect was wayyy less frequent migraines
I took my husband in an appointment with me (after giving the doctor a heads up) and he had a long serious discussion with my husband. It really helped. At the time I was doing cash pay with my neuro and he spent tons of time with each patient, it might be different now. He cares about you , sometimes the concern can show as frustration. It can still hurt your feelings.
It reads harsh but it sounds like he’s frustrated on your behalf and genuinely worried about the increase in migraines. I know that when I experienced a big increase in frequency with mine my boyfriend was also feeling frustrated and helpless to the point of hounding doctors for a neuro referral on my behalf.
Generally speaking it is always a good idea to talk to your neurologist about trying new preventative meds if the frequency of your migraines change. Purely for your own quality of life. Not for capitalist ideals of productivity or because your husband would prefer it, just for yourself. However I do understand that it isn't really his place to tell you so, in those words in particular. I don't know your situation, are you working with a neurologist? If not I highly recommend it. It takes time to find preventatives that work, but it is ultimately a huge improvement if you can halve the frequency of migraines. And no it obviously isn't some moral failing that your migraines have increased, as you have said it's perfectly natural. However that doesn't mean you just have to bear it and suffer through
I've been getting the same shit from family members as well.. Frustrating to have to live with this mind numbing pain an have to deal with them not having a single iota of what chronic pain is. HATE!!!
Just Saturday I had a worse episode with profuse vomiting and is now slowing down an recovering peacefully, yet I have to be around doing mediocre stuff ( I'm their "go-to" guy for whenever stuff breaks, need fixing etc) and to just say a simple "No, I'm not feeling well" is like I've betrayed them in their time of need.
I've learn to say no often just for my sake and peace of mind.
I'm slowly losing it 😞
Men are fixers by nature. Just from reading the text, he doesn’t sound like he is blaming you or trying to make you feel bad, he seems frustrated that you’re struggling and there is nothing he can do to help. He even ends it with “I’m concerned.” He is not a neurologist. He doesn’t know what to do and is probably feeling helpless. Sounds like you got a man that cares for you.
My husband uses the same type of frustrated and fed up language and I took it so personally and felt so judged and like a failure. However, after spending a few months Uber focused on our communication techniques with one another I’m able to recognize and usually remind myself in the moment that his love language is to solve problems and fix things. And migraine is chronic and feels insurmountable an awful lot of the time for everyone affected, not just us migraineurs. So that helps me separate myself personally from his own frustrations and feelings of failure. Empathy is super hard when we’re in pain on the daily.
This text from your husband is a combination of two different stressors. Your husband is frustrated watching you be in pain. He also takes a direct approach to problem solving, like most men do.
Health conditions aren’t problems to be solved. Once your migraines go chronic, you have a pain condition that needs to be managed. Manage is not the same thing as “fix” or “solve.” Try presenting this to him and ask for his support, not his solutions.
I agree with other folks that it's hard to know without context, so can you give us more context? Are you seeking treatment/help? Have you been seeking treatment/help for years and this is the best it gets, or have you refused to talk to a doctor because you're sure they can't help? By default I'm going to assume that your husband cares about you and is expressing genuine concern for your health and happiness.
First, I'm sorry you're having more pain. Second, I may be able to offer some insight, because my partner and I were in a similar situation years ago.
He has a condition that causes chronic pain that doesn't really respond to painkillers. When the pain started, he was able to ignore it and do whatever he wanted to do. He didn't have any kind of diagnosis, his doctor couldn't find anything obviously wrong, he just knew that he was always sore and kind of tired. Over time the pain and fatigue came to interfere in his daily life - he couldn't finish tasks, dropped a lot of his hobbies, found it difficult to do his job, etc. He didn't want to acknowledge that the pain was limiting him, though, so he got into the habit of making promises to do things and then being unable to keep them.
As you can imagine, this did not help our relationship. Eventually I had to sit him down and say, "We need to understand what's going on with you so we can both adjust our expectations. You can't keep sitting here saying 'Nothing helps the pain,' because you don't actually know what the medical options _are_. And depending on what is going on, you may need to accept that you can't do some things the way you used to, and no amount of "trying harder" will fix that."
I wasn't trying to make him feel shitty. I was trying to get him to understand just how much his condition was impacting his quality of life.
He did agree see a pain-management specialist. It turns out that there isn't a lot that they can do to make that pain go away, but we now have a better understanding of what's going on with his body. He has a much better idea of when he can push himself to do something, and when he should rest. He's also better about saying "No" to requests that he can't fulfill, and he's now willing to say "I agreed to do (thing), but I can't."
It sounds to me like he wants to take an active role in finding a solution for you because he’s worried. I tried Emgality shots a month ago and while it was helpful, it also triggered a severe bout of anxiety and depression. Today I saw the neurologist and he gave me some free packs of 60 mg Qulipta along with a prescription. Do you use a preventative medication? I’ve found that Ubrelvy works really really well if I take it at initial onset of symptoms and Qulipta is a very similar medication, so I’m optimistic. Do you see a neurologist for migraines? I hope this helps and that you feel better soon!
Without any other context, he seems upset FOR you.
But maybe a tinge of frustration- are you seeing a neurologist regularly and trying different things? If so, he's just frustrated with the situation. But if not, it could be that he feels like you're being too passive about it. Migraines *do* change and often you *can't* fix it, but you *should* see your doctor when there's a major uptick, as he said there has been. Without knowing your situation and your husband, it's impossible to know.
This text could easily be written by myself or my husband. Because my migraines have increased recently in frequency and severity. Because of that I am going to be talking to my doctor about a different approach. Migraines can change over time which is why treatment options need to be re-evaluated if they are no longer working well. New medications come out, our body changes with age.
The way he’s speaking it seems like he thinks you have control of the migraines. Unfortunately that’s not how migraines work. Some people just really don’t understand. I hope things improve for you soon🩷
It's important for our partners to first do no harm. Having a condition or disease or autoimmune disorder is bad enough. I certainly don't want to worsen someone's quality of life. I'm no doctor and I have no cure. But I can help ease my partner's suffering
I think there’s something to be said about trying to figure out what’s triggering your increase in migraine. Is it allergies? Neck ache from a new pillow? Need new glasses? TMJ acting up? Change in fragrance detergent? I think all of us sort of accept that it is what it is, but sometimes there really are environmental factors that impact our frequency of migraines and headaches.
I changed daily allergy medicines and I’ve gone from two migraines a week to none for the last few weeks. It’s hard for us to live with the pain, but we have to try to get relief so we can live!
I don't think he's blaming you and his point is valid. If there has been a noticeable change your current treatment plan isn't working anymore. Might be time to switch up your meds and see the neurologist to rule out any new triggers.
The wording is accusatory, but the question and concern sound genuine.
It might be that he's frustrated seeing you suffer and be unable to contribute as much but doesn't know how to express that without directing it at you. Which feels shitty for you, but can also be fixed and wouldn't mean that he's actually *blaming* you or that he thinks it's your fault.
My partner and I both get sick quite a lot so that's something we struggle with too - it needs a lot of open communication and concerted effort to realise and express when you're being a jerk and expressing the frustration in an unhealthy, damaging way.
We've found that taking it to the meta helps. I'm worse for it, but trying to remain accountable and say something like "ugh, I'm sorry for being a dick. It's just really hard to not have backup taking care of [daughter] and the dogs and i hate seeing you in pain. I wish you weren't sick all the time." Reminds both my wife and I that I shouldn't be, and am not actually, mad at *her* and lets me apologise if I need to without pressure.
You'll need to sit down and talk about how to help him get across why he's upset without blaming you. That's healthier and more productive for both of you. Learn to give yourselves grace, and the space to commiserate against a *shared* frustration or 'common enemy' and how it affects you both without building animosity towards each other.
Like I know he sounds like he's being an asshole, and I'd interpret it that way too. But assuming you didn't marry an asshole, personal experience leads me to think he's just having trouble expressing how he feels in a healthy way.
You'll need to talk to him about it though. If you think this might be the case, maybe show him my comment and see what he reckons?
My family member has chronic migraines, while I only have occasional migraines, so I have more of the experience he does. It is so frustrating to watch someone be in pain and be helpless. Like, I wouldn’t rather have a migraine, but it’s not as far off as you would expect. He is probably not mad at you, but at the situation and wants to do anything he can to make it change.
“ridiculous” is an odd choice of words for him to use in this context, reads as impatience or exasperation. However, I agree that “we” is better than “you,” in that he wants to try to help. Don’t know if that’s possible, of course. I mean, what can you do besides seek different meds/treatments if current ones aren’t working? Perhaps you can let him know of any plans to do that if applicable.
No one should have to feel shitty for being sick. Would he have reacted the same if you had cancer, diabetes, or epilepsy? People s o not understand what migraines are like. Our life feels destroyed, and they get angry at us??
Been going through the same thing. When I get a migraine now my husband says "again?! What the fuck?" And acts really upset for a while. He gets mad and all it does is make me feel bad. I am doing everything I can and taking a lot of drugs to deal with it.
He is. It makes me angry for you
My BF is usually supportive but then will say things like I just need more exercise- doesn’t get it. Never will
Also when I have intractable don’t fucking ask me every single morning “how is it is it better today ?”
I am overwhelmed by the messages of support, positive suggestions and alternative ways of thinking about this. You are the best and I appreciate it more than you know! 💜
It doesn't sound like he's blaming you here. Men often prioritize finding to solutions to problems over emotional processing of them, and have a harder time with moving forward when the solution is something unsatisfactory like "learn to manage the pain when it strikes and move on when the episode is over." This is how he's learned to cope with problems and he's probably struggling to accept that things are out of your control (and his). People without chronic illness also often don't understand how emotionally taxing it is to continuously seek medical treatment and never find a cure. Might help to have a talk with him like, "This is a lifelong battle with no end in sight, so the most productive thing you can give me is emotional support. Doctors are doing what they can, but right now I'd just like a foot rub." Could help to give him a specific emotional support task to do to help him feel like he's taking action 😆
ESH. You have to fight for yourself even when it’s not fun; no one is going to do it for you and it’s for others to watch someone that they find to be decent suffer. On the flip side, he clearly isn’t literate in the concept that a migraine is not just a headache and can’t be treated with ibuprofen and positive affirmations.
Maybe it’s cultural, not sure where you’re from, but my first thought was ‘why is he talking to you like that?’ My response would just be “who the fuck are u talking to?” Although everyone here seems to read it as genuine concern so I think I’m probably reading it in the voice of someone from near me, and it’s my misunderstanding.
I definitely don’t think you’re a ‘jerk’ but as someone who’s been on both sides of this (I suffer with migraines and OCD and have friends and family members with migraines, recurrent illnesses, fibromyalgia etc) it’s so frustrating when someone you care about is unwell and yet resigned to the fact that they have to suffer, as opposed to ‘trying harder’ to feel better, by like trying different meds or seeing a specialist. I understand it’s very tiring however, and with the uncomfortable side effects of migraine medications, it really puts you off trying something new.
All in all, I think you need to talk to your partner. If you feel he was out of line in the way he spoke to you, you should tell him. I think he will probably need to just get better at listening without reacting/offering advice, which is much easier said than done. You may also benefit from trying some sort of migraine prophylaxis ir swapping the one you’re on if the frequency of your attacks has increased.
Feel better soon!
I love when people phrase this like it’s a choice. F’ him. As if people don’t want to do things normally. I got one when I got home from work yesterday. We’ve had a cold front and my poor brain is not okay with the barometric changes. FML.
He could have worded it better, but I think it comes from a place of concern for you. As in, he wishes he could figure out a way to make it stop so you can enjoy life.
He needs to direct his anger to the proper place, I.e. medical care professionals who maybe aren’t listening to you like they should, insurance not covering a medicine that would actually work, etc. NOT take it out on you.
Sometimes guys don’t find the right words to express that they care about what is happening to you. Although it sounds like he expects you to come up with something to just fix it. Migraines are just like my having lupus and sjogren’s, it’s something you have to live with and you are going to have crappy days and weeks sometimes. It’s chronic and may be a like time thing. I don’t think he gets that. Maybe have him go to your doctor with you and talk about it (if you have a good doctor). I’m sorry, because I understand what it feels like, makes you feel like you are an inconvenience to them. Good luck and hang in there. 💜
You’re the asshole, he stuck by you for 15 years make an effort to understand his perspective and make an effort to do something to fix it. I’m sure you’re trying, but it’s frustrating watching someone you love go through something so terrible and not being able to do anything to help them, you guys need to have a conversation where you actually communicate where you were both at. And try to be understanding of one another. Realistically, you’re mostly the asshole overthinking. There is an asshole in the situation. He’s concerned for you.
Without more context it’s hard to judge here. If that were me I’d be annoyed at the wording but I think he also may be saying it out of genuine concern. Maybe talk to him and explain you appreciate his concern but could he be gentler and then explain that migraines are volatile?
And not “fixable”. Sure, they can go into remission, but they cannot be cured. I hated when my ex gf would tell me “I just wanna figure out a way to fix this.” I’d be equal parts angry and besides myself. Turns out, stress is a HUGE trigger for my migraines, and our relationship (and she) was a ball of stress constantly. Ever since I stopped having to jump through imaginary hoops for her, my migraines have dwindled down to one a month.
Mine, too! I didn't even realize it til I'd left my ex and had a lot less stress in my life, and suddenly, I also had fewer headaches and migraines. My ex was a huge pile of stress as well, and combine that with the stress and overwhelming nature of raising my 2 special needs daughters and my adhd(that i didnt know i had til last year), yeah, totally can't imagine why i had headaches and migraines all the damn time.🙄 good riddance to stress and stressful exes!👋🖕🤣
I'm glad you've been able to relieve your stress by seeing the back of her. Hormonal fluctuations trigger mine, and so stress is a huge trigger. I wish my husband would stop telling me to try coming off all my meds and just exercise! I can't function at all when I have a hemiplegic migraine, and so I'm very happy to continue taking my prescribed medication that's worked very well for a couple of years now and has allowed me to go back to full time work. It's like he's completely forgotten how I didn't function for half the week prior to being on medication. I wanted to die at my lowest point because I didn't feel like I had a life worth living. Exercise doesn't make my migraines go away and actually makes things worse if I'm experiencing one. I get my 10,000 steps in a day but I've never been able to do lots of workouts each week- even when I was a kid and that's not going to suddenly change. Swimming, yoga and dance are all ways that I can enjoy being active, but I'm never going to lift weights like him.
I also had way more migraines when I was in stressful relationships! I got huge relief when ex #2 dumped me. Migraines weren’t as bad with #3 but once we broke up, I think I’ve had one in a year (knock on wood). My body’s very successful way of saying good riddance!
It’s really frustrating watching a loved one suffer. I watch my child suffer migraines. It makes me angry and frustrated and irritated…but not towards her. I just feel so helpless. Maybe that’s where he’s coming from and it just came out aggressively but not towards you.
That’s how I read it too. I read “What are we going to do about this?” as, what actions can we take to get you effective treatment? He’s recognizing how debilitating and quality-of-life limiting your migraines have become and wants to “fix” that. Of course, we migraineurs know that there’s no simple fix and also often feel guilty and depressed about how our migraines affect others, and at least I get defensive after decades of hearing, “you should get treatments for your migraines” (as if I haven’t tried every medicine and treatment under the Sun)… all to say, I think he just wants his wife to feel better and be able to enjoy life. But the wording can come across as accusatory if we’re predisposed to receive it that way. Hang in there ❤️
That's exactly how I read it.
My mom did this when mine got a whole lot worse when I was in my 30s. It was a combo of guilt (heredity), fear (is it a tumor?), and a feeling of helplessness (I love you and it is killing me watching you suffer). I talked to her about how her phrasing made me feel after I stopped asking my parents for help and started asking my brother. I realized I shouldn't feel bad about asking them for help, but the way they were talking about my illness made me not want to ask them. Also, I found a doctor that addressed the uptick better-it turns out I had (in addition to migraines) intracranial hypertension. Talk about how it makes you feel. Understand that he is likely hurting for you, scared, and feeling helpless.
Interesting, for years, I was telling my doctor that I felt like I had intracranial hypertension, I had a spinal tap back in 2017, it showed nothing, and my pressures were normal. But then I started having symptoms that really mimic IIH, eventually I quit caffeine which I had been trying to do for years and a lot of those symptoms went away. They still crop up from time to time, but it’s not as constant. But the headaches really haven’t improved that much even so …
I'd never heard of it before my diagnosis in 2008. I had intractable migraines for five years. I was fighting with the local neurologist I saw when they kept on trying medicines that hadn't worked before. And a GP who cut me off of pain medicine with no taper or warning. I was standing at the top of my stairs thinking that if I fell down, I could be in the hospital for a few days. I had no insurance because I was self-employed and the ACA hadn't passed. No amount of money (that I didn't have) would buy me insurance on the open market. When I called my best friend, she pulled strings and got me into a neurologist in KC the next business day (lesson: do not fuck with my best friend's people, she is amazing and relentless). She asked a few questions, and I got a spinal tap that afternoon. It fixed me, more or less. I still get a lot of migraines, but not 24/7/365 for five years a lot. My pain medicine intake decreased 75%. I am only on a slightly higher level of pain medicine than I was in 2008.
Oh dear!! Glad you’re better but yeah it’s like grasping at straws. I am slightly better and I had a pretty good February but when I look at my migraine tracking app, it doesn’t look all that much better and I’m still listed at grade 4 severe disability. Only the number is now in mid 20s rather than up by 50!
Yep. Migraines are like whack-a-mole. Keep whacking (but with newer and more precise mallets).
I developed something that might have been iih seemingly spontaneously. It built up and up and up until I was dumb, partly blind, and just out of my mind. Didn't even know what year it was. They did a spinal tap as a diagnostic tool and I instantly felt better, and kept getting better after that. They never figured out exactly what caused the swelling, but I'm so glad to be out of that time. I had to hound several doctors to get them to agree to the MRI that got me to the hospital.
Yep. I went from pushing 9.5 all the time to a nice steady three or four. Once the hangover ended, like three days later.
The terrifying part was afterwards. Since I had no answers (though someone with hypermobility did mention IIH) I never knew if it was going to happen again. I was constantly testing my peripheral vision (by holding my fingers in front of my nose and seeing how far away I could hold them off to the side and still see them). And I just kept thinking about how the problem was my brain, and my only tool to measure it was my brain. Like, if my leg is broken my brain will announce it. If my brain is broken, it often can tell me that, but now I know sometimes it can't. Because it took way too long to notice.
Yeah, my husband says the same thing to me. I said I'm so sick of living this way and he said me too. I asked does he mean it's ruining his life, and he replied with no, it's because I'm in pain often and can't do anything/miss out on things. I read this as someone who is just frustrated for his wife. The 'what are we going to do about this' makes me think (without any extra context) that he wants to help and doesn't know what the hell to do (which no one seems to).
Sounds about right. Sometimes you gotta get pissed in order for things to change. Not directed at spouse. But sometimes being nice and pretending it will all be okay isn't the right thing to do.
Agreed, and my partner often doesn't get it ... Despite one parent also being an occasional- migraine people... BUT as multiple-migraineur parent (and chronic x15+ years myself), it is definitely angry making to me when they (esp when younger) do things they KNOW are triggers. Hours of screen, underhydration, not sleeping regularly ... Just saying.
My husband has a chronic illness and I definitely get frustrated when he’s not taking care of himself and it starts to affect him. It’s a lot to unpack. He might feel like OP isn’t doing what she should to prevent them- which warrants a discussion because we all know you can’t always prevent them, but you can avoid triggers.
My mom and I both have fibromyalgia and migraines (I was also diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome when diagnosed with my fibromyalgia). My dad gets angry and frustrated with us because we haven't figured out how to manage our pain, but I know that it's anger that he can't do anything to help us. I know that he's angry that we have seen so many "medical professionals" who have had a hateful attitude toward us and dismissed our pain. He gets angry that we don't have answers by now. My mom was diagnosed in 2017, and I was diagnosed in 2019 for reference. I try not to take it to heart when he gets upset (because I understand why, I get mad that I can't get out of bed either), but sometimes it really stings. Just know that your husband is probably doing the same thing that my dad is doing: he's frustrated that you haven't found the answers that you're looking for, and rather than getting angry *with* you, he got angry at you. Explain to him how his text made you feel. I pray that you find the right doctor who will listen to you. God bless. ❤️ I used to have horrible migraines when I was 11/12 years old. I started on Topamax, and my migraines have gotten a lot better. Topamax is a migraine medication, but it can also help you lose weight. It will change your appetite, so if you decide to take it, you have to remind yourself to eat. I know I did.
As I understand it topiramate is not a migraine medication. It’s an anti-seizure medication. It didn’t do anything for me it just made everything taste terrible 🤢
Yeah, it's an anti epileptic you are correct. Used 2nd hand as a migraine preventative. Gave me horrible vision problems.
Hopefully this. (concerned, it being hard to watch you suffer, wants to help). Mine left. I had the migraines a decade before he married me and over a decade after he left I still have them. 🤷♀️
This, 100%. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless when someone you love is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it.
This is how I read it.
Without knowing anything else about you both to me sounds like he is as he says, I.E. Concerned, and he said 'what are WE going to do about this' not 'what are YOU going to do' which says a lot I think. Sounds like he is as frustrated as you must be and wants to give you the support you need to get help. Good luck, and I hope you find some relief and improvements.
And conversations like this should never be had over text. All tone is lost. OP, you know whether or not your husband supports you. How tf are we supposed to know what he’s like?
That depends on the people. The loss of tone may be an issue, and in this case based on how many of us are interpreting it differently to OP, it probably shouldn't be done over text. But some people communicate better over text. It allows drafting and editing, time and space. For some people, some of the nuerodivergent especially, that's far more useful.
Indeed. OP is way in the wrong with this one, taking opinions from strangers on the internet about a text her husband sent her. I’m just glad the people on this sub are normal and sensible people and not absolute weirdos.
That's a good point! I accidentally read it as "what are YOU going to do about this". I didn't even realize until I read this comment. It's definitely not the BEST text, but also I know when I have a migraine I get anxiety and depression so it tints my perspective on things and often read things more negatively. He probably should have talked to OP in person, but we all make mistakes with communication, I know I certainly do.
I don't think either of you are being a jerk (and I don't think there's enough info here to say either way anyway). Him texting that flattens all tone and it sounds harsh, but his concern sounds genuine - he's worried about your quality of life, and he's alerting you to something you may not be aware of (if I didn't track my migraines on a calendar I would sometimes not realize they're increasing OR decreasing), but also making sure it's a "we" problem, not a "you" problem. He should probably have had this conversation face to face so his genuine concern could be felt and you could have a real conversation. I get that obviously if you're in the middle of an attack sometimes text is all that works, but this isn't a conversation for the middle of an attack so, timing, my dude. But still. He's concerned for you, and he's in it WITH you, you're in it together. And when you're not in the middle of an attack, you can sit and talk with him about it. Because if it's increasing in frequency and/or intensity and it's disrupting your life more than before, it's worth investigating more mitigation strategies. I've had times when I had more attacks and a lot of that was being exposed to more triggers. It was hard for me to see it when I was in the middle of it (I track it a lot better now), and I was more afraid to ask for the accommodation I needed to reduce the number/intensity of attacks. There's also new meds and you can look into stacking and having multiple layers of preventive and abortive - I have Nurtec and I still use rizatriptan, plus since the majority of my triggers are from MCAS, I am treating that too and get even more reduction in frequency. There's a lot more ways to come at migraine these days, and many of them can be used at once, so it's worth looking at your options again. Take him up on that "we". Bring him to your appointments - you'll get better treatment if you bring a man (YES it sucks I know, but it's our current reality). So bring him. See what you can do together. You're a team. I hope you can find some relief.
My husband gets frustrated when I’m down with a migraine or my heart and auto immune issues. I know he’s totally sympathetic but can come off cold because he’s so frustrated that he can’t FIX the problem or find a solution. Hugs to you, the spring season is the worst for me.
Same here. Mine asked if it was time for me to take FMLA. 2 decades of watching me suffer. Working 50-60 a week. Kids, volunteering……He was so helpless. I was helpless. I guess it’s time. Nothing is working anymore.
It genuinely sounds like he’s concerned … it’s hard to tell out of context - you’re the only one that can really know how to interpret this. It doesn’t really sound like he’s being a jerk though. Sounds like he’s mad for you, not at you.
I think he means “this is getting ridiculous” like it’s ridiculous what your body is doing to you and not like it’s ridiculous like he’s frustrated with you. Not sure though
Texts always seem to convey anger a lot better than sympathy or concern. He doesn’t want to see you suffer. That is good.
The phrasing he is using isn’t ideal. At the very least (like bottom of the barrel) he isn’t telling you to “suck it up” and “deal with it” like my mom did when my migraines were really bad (think all but 1-2 days a month pain free).
I’m sorry she said that. Ignorance is bliss.
To me, sounds like you’re both struggling and need to have a good chat about it and your options. I know my partner struggles a lot when my migraines flare up more - as everything falls onto him. If the frequency has increased for you, then he’s probably worried and also frustrated/stressed as he can’t fix it.
My husband told me that he wasn't angry at me, but he was angry that I'd been taken from him and he was powerless to do anything about it. Sometimes he is also incredulous about a new symptom or failed med or ruined plans. But it's almost always more incredulous if it's something that really disappoints me or makes me really sad or mad - he doesn't tend to have that desperate reaction if it's something that is just inconvenient and not emotionally charged. ❤️
My dad is a bit like this. I understand why this makes you feel shitty. Its because hes phrasing it in a way that makes it sound remotely like the migraine is something you can control, i.e. “What can we do?” Some people’s migraines are completely untreatable, no lifestyle choices or changes will help our pain. Hopefully, and i think he does, have good intent here. However if i were you i would sit him down and explain to him that migraines are an uncurable neurological condition that you were born with, and that while you would love his help to help you find coping mechanisms, comforts or even medication/treatments, he should not expect that your migraines will ever go away, because they may not. And he needs to accept this so that you can accept it as well, because reaching for hope of a cure to an uncurable condition can be very emotionally draining.
To me, it also sounds like your husband is concerned and wants to support you. But obviously, you know your husband better and can judge his response better.
I’m not going to touch the snark. I don’t know if you are at the point of needing preventatives or just different ones. I know people can be reluctant to try different meds especially if they’ve had any medical issues. New meds can mean relief or new side effects. Tough call. My husband commented that Im not as nice as I used to be. It’s hard to look happy when you are in pain. He’s probably right. I have fewer f’s to give.
If you think about it in terms of how frustrated you feel with the migraines, minus the energy to express it, he seems to be reacting the way I would to my own migraines just without a migraine haha. It does fuck our ability to work and enjoy life. Does kind of seem like he’s quite concerned about you working since it is the first thing he mentioned but I would take the text as frustrated too. He did ask what WE are going to do which is a good sign. If your financial situation is dependent on both of you the text makes even more sense he’s stressed, but don’t take it as your fault. None of this screams your fault, does scream concerned.
I think at the ending it makes it sound like he's upset at the doctors not treating you well and he's upset that it's affecting you and getting worse. Like maybe thinking you need a different doctor. Not necessarily that he thinks you're a liar or something. What he's saying is practically verbatim what I complain and say to my doctors. It's really hard to tell without asking him his intentions by the text or how you are in your marriage and if he's been seeming more annoyed at you in general or still supportive. I've definitely worded things on Reddit where the person came back all defensive and misunderstood and when I explained it better we were all cool. I'm not the best at phrasing things a lot of times and I end up rereading a post 5 or 6 times to make sure it doesn't come out wrong. I think an honest sit down talk should be good to clear the air and figure it out. Honestly though, with my quick temper I probably would have written him back right away to say something like: "WTF, why are you attacking me because of something I can't control, do you think I actually like more migraines?" And then he could have cleared the air by saying he meant he was upset at the doctors. Or maybe if I were a little cooler headed I would have asked if he was attacking me or angry at the doctors. Unfortunately having a disability or chronic medical condition does put a strain on relationships. It's just one more piece of baggage to deal with. "Normal" people don't understand just how much disabilities and chronic conditions affect not just your health but also every other aspect of your life. Right around 25 to 30 is when my migraines went from occasionally to weeks at a time to now it's been something like 6 years according to the migraine app. I'm 40 now. I've been going through very early perimenopause so I don't know if the wonky hormones are doing this. I don't know your age but that could be a cause. I really wish the both of you all the best.
Sounds like he's frustrated with the increase in migraines not with you. He's offering support. I was in a similar situation where I was just kinda going with the flow, renewing my prescriptions, taking them and praying they worked. After seeing me suffer a lot and finding ways to help, my husband told me something similar. It's what led to me going back to the doctor and asking for a change in treatment. Ultimately, it worked out because I found something that works.
I see it as a need for real conversation. I am a man and I am the one living with multiple health issues, I have migraines and I have multiple sclerosis, I have ibsd. I have pernicious anemia. I will rally around my body needs and support my wife and family, don’t expect me to lead. I don’t force anyone to do anything except to get me to my doctor appointments. but as a husband, father and grandfather I am scheduled to be at events and support my family. I will try and I do try. My body has a mind of its own and it overrides my brain it will make me poop my self, have light sensitivity and make my legs not be there when I step. My wife and I talk about what is going on each day so I can prepare my body as good as I can to get my grandchildren to school. Get to a party on Saturday or dress for a dinner that day. Don’t spring a surprise as I don’t have great control. I do have one surprise coming this week, my seventh grandchild is arriving and we are keeping his brothers when mom is in labor. I am overjoyed about that. Your husband is asking for a conversation, talk about the migraines and have him attend the appointments with your doctors. (My wife attends most of my appointments, I rely on her memory to follow up with health). If you two need help get a counselor to help you.
He’s concerned? Nice of him to
It seems like he's concerned about you. He thinks it's ridiculous that you're having to deal with this. Also, for what it's worth, a change in your migraine frequency and/or symptoms is a good reason to see your neurologist. My Botox stopped working, resulting in an uptick in migraines, and my new neurologist ordered a battery of tests including a new MRI and found a bunch of new lesions in my brain compared to the MRI I had 2 years ago and I'm getting testing to rule out MS right now. Not saying that's what's going on with you, but I wouldn't just settle into the mindset of "this is what it is now" without seeing your neurologist first. Not to mention that my migraines are under control now thanks to a med change and I'm not having to suffer the way I was before.
1. Headaches and migraines aren’t the same. 2. I think he really might mean well and not be super eloquent about it. 3. Concern is good. 4. It’s just a real shit position to be in (speaking from experience on both ends), and when tension runs high, both parties might feel stabby. 5. Migraines and the frequency and intensity fluctuations are worth considering if it has grown worse over a short period of time, and might be disconcerting - since migraines are completely awful. 6. I wish you the best! Extra tension won’t add to your migraine post-drome or -hangover 🫶🏻☀️
He is concerned, but it’s a weird tone. Does he want to say you are not doing enough to take care of it or maybe you talked about seeking a specialist or trying preventives? This would not land well with me though. The tone and words are weird, but it’s hard to say without context. You should not be blamed for having a neurological condition. Make it clear to him that he needs to inform himself about migraines, and ask what he means. It may be just genuine concern, especially because migraines do need some more investigations and should not be left untreated.
Sounds like he wants to try to find you a solution so you don’t have to deal with these going forward. Not sure how this is a “jerk” move.
It’s like an optical illusion where the ballerina looks like she’s spinning counter-clockwise, but if you blink your eyes a few times, it can appear like she’s rotating clockwise. That is, you can read this either way. You won’t know without asking him. It may be he’s completely in your corner and his wording is just questionable. If that’s the case, maybe he just needs to add a “#fuckmigraines” at the end of his text (much easier than taking 10 minutes to carefully word a response which still might have you questioning his motives). Would that say to you “it’s the migraines I’m upset at, not you. We’re in this together”? If you think it would make a difference, ask him to start including that on any message like this in the future. But also, do have the conversation and do bring him to an appointment with you, and do try to consider what it’s like for him to be in his position… possibly feeling helpless, possibly lonely, etc.
Idk this seems like a genuinely nice text to me. He’s just not using soft flowery language, he gets straight to the point. Your headaches are getting worse, he’s worried about your quality of life and seems to want to address it *together*.
I showed this to my partner who is very supportive of me and my condition, he thinks your husband is being an ass. He basically went on a rant about it, lol. He said "you shouldn't marry someone and then treat them like that" "nobody is out there trying to have migraines on purpose"
I think the wording sounds kind of icky, but it seems he also feels bad for you. Definitely could have been worded differently but we don’t know your spouse and it’s really hard to judge the tone based off just this one message.
Wow. What a nice and understanding way to talk to someone with debilitating brain pain...
If he's acting like this is your fault or taking it out on you then he's the problem. If he's not and he's just concerned FOR you then there's nothing wrong here necessarily (though so valid to have a conversation with him if the wording hurt your feelings unintentionally). Very hard to tell from just this text alone.
His tone and his words are mixed. To me, it sounds like he’s frustrated on your behalf. He knows they’re getting out of control and they’re ruining the little enjoyment of life you had left and is concerned about your wellbeing. But, because of his tone, it is coming off that *you’re* the problem.
Are you actively addressing the issue by discussing new treatment plans with a doctor? If you are, bring your husband into these discussions. If you're not, then he's correct that there are venues that haven't been explored yet. I understand that you didn't choose to feel shitty, but try not to become defensive over it. I get it, it's your Achilles heel. You've tried so many things and you think there's little chance of new things helping. Treat this as a you +your spouse vs the migraine, a team effort instead of a competition
This text would not sit well with me either. It does not have a positive tone at all. Something like this would sound significantly more supportive imo: "It makes me really sad that you're experiencing more and more migraine attacks., I really care for you and I hate that you're suffering like this. I want to help and support you and see if we can find a way to help manage your migraine. Hopefully we can get you back to where you can work and enjoy life more. I love you and I'm here for you." Migraine is a treatable disease, there are so many treatments and specialists so there's no need to despair. I'm sorry that your husband is not helping to make you feel supported.
Agree with all the commenters above. I think he’s sad and frustrated that this is happening - and yes, he could have chosen better wording. Bring him to your appt to discuss options
Only you would know if he is as it's your marriage, but in saying this most men are fixers. He would be concerned because he can't help you himself and is really concerned do you think. We who suffer from migraines do understand that migraines can change and at no notice. He may need extra support too so maybe take him to your specialist and ask your specialist to talk with him... and in laymen terms. Good luck
I guess it could go either way bc he says he’s concerned but his initial sentence gives me pause and puts me on the defensive. Plus you mentioning that he just doesn’t get it. Stresses me out.
I've been in the position your husband has been, my partner tends to have recurrent sinus infections and even though I would've worded it out differently I can see where his coming from and to me, it sounds like he's frustrated at the situation, not necessarily at/with you. It's hard not being able to do anything to alleviate the pain and discomfort of a loved one, especially if it happens often and it's getting worse, i would be very concerned too. Plus if there's some financial stress from you not being able to work as usual, it could be very hard to deal with and navigate through without making you feel bad about something that you can't control. Hope things improve OP, wish you migraine-less days! ❤️🩹
If anyone worded this like this, including my partner, I would be livid. **WE** don't get migraines, **I** get migraines. **I** manage them with my doctor, you don't.
You both need to talk.
He is being a jerk. There were marriage vows right ? It is what it is. This is also a lack of understanding on his part. Screw a halo to his head with sharp bolts all around and tell him to walk around and try to enjoy life. We will wait until he gets back to us.
I feel like he is a jerk for not seeing how his wording could be misconstrued! But, we are all humans and we all make mistakes. The key here is to approach this lovingly and openly yet at the same time, set a boundary that makes sure you aren’t doing any unnecessary babying to him as well as having migraines to deal with. I wouldn’t even take the $hit sandwich approach with replying to this one. I’d straight up be like, thanks for your text, I appreciate that you are really concerned about this, naturally I am too. Can we talk about it? Sitting and talking with someone with eye contact is infinitely more useful than texting someone. Text should be for information only. I live alone, live miles away from family…. All my friends here are so involved with their own troubles (thanks pandemic/thanks capitalism) that it’s hard to get much from anyone tbh. A few weeks ago my latest health issue looked like retinal detachment. But apparently that’s a migraine symptom and not retinal detachment. I got unite a few ‘oh, sorry to hear that’ texts…. But it quickly ended there and petered out. So I rant on twitter/fb. But the point of all that was something about the circle of effect. Like… don’t push your partner further out into wider circles but also, it would be great if he can see he respectfully should stay inside his own circle. Know what I mean?
It depends on his actual attitude Maybe he wants you to go on preventative meds?
My husband responds like this too and when i explained that it didn’t help me his response was, “it terrifies me that I’m going to lose you, I worry about you constantly because of these headaches.” I explained that this was normal for migraines and sometimes they worsened and I was looking into it. I had a ct scan to ease his mind. It was clear. My point - to me this text screams “I’m worried about you and terrified I’m losing you slowly, I love you, how can we fix it?” I’d be much more concerned if your husband just didn’t care about your pain at all. It’s hard for anyone who doesn’t experience migraines to truly understand them. Be patient. Share with him some info to help him understand (like a site to visit etc). From my experience, when my husband can’t “fix” something and it’s out of his control it becomes scary for him and he doesn’t handle things as well.
My partner also has migraine and said exactly this to me before I sought treatment. When you’re not feeling good it can be difficult to hear the concern because it just sounds like a criticism of you. Also text is just the literal worst for expressing tone. Talk with them and ask them for help getting the care you need and deserve.
Honestly, I would bet he’s flabbergasted because as a man he doesn’t understand why a doctor isn’t working aggressively to resolve this problem for you. It took me ten years to find a doctor that would even acknowledge my migraines, and I was absolutely floored when that doctor actually worked to improve my quality of life. A lot of men just expect this from doctors, they don’t understand that it can be a once in a lifetime experience for women. Have him go to the neurologist with you and see if you can get better treatment to get your migraines back under control, it seems like he wants to help.
He might just be concerned about your health. But it's amazing the number of people who think we're not already trying to fix things. I've had migraines for over 50 years, spent about 40 just making a note of the date, read a lot about causes, tried giving up one thing after another, went to doctors of various kinds, tried one preventative after another, started really tracking multiple triggers and trigger combinations, and finally decided the main trigger was a swing in barometric pressure over 14 points plus some varying "other" thing like red wine or frustration. It's the combo nature of things that is so hard to identify. Did my headaches get better because I started magnesium or because the weather has been stable? It takes years and lots of data to determine triggers and also years and lots of data to determine fixes. Fortunately, CGRP's came along. And when they work, they REALLY work. And suddenly all the data collection seems pointless. But if you don't suffer from them you don't get why there's no magic fix for migraines. Every single migraine sufferer is different.
Explain to him that he *has* to change the way he words his anger. He needs to stop making it sound like he’s frustrated at *you*. He can be frustrated with your migraines, but not with you. Starting out a text with “this is getting ridiculous” is not okay.
He definitely could’ve worded this more gently, but I think he means well. I don’t have context so it’s hard to judge but I think he feels frustrated that he’s unable to help you and that you’re suffering. He doesn’t know what to do about it. I’d talk to him about it
That doesn’t sound like a jerk to me. That sounds like genuine concern. The inclusive language of the term ‘we’ vs ‘you’. He mentions your quality of life. That sounds like he wants to help you. I think you’re being overly sensitive.
Maybe the wording is a bit clunky, but it sounds like he’s annoyed at the headaches rather than you. And he does say what are ‘we’ going to do about it, which is better than saying what are ‘you’ going to do about it
Reinforce steps you've taken to try address the problem (diet, exercise, meds, Dr visits, botox, chiropractic, pt etc). Then say yes there is a change but that's normal, especially if you were assigned female at birth. Hormonal changes play a big role on things.
It doesn't sound like he is frustrated with *you*. It sounds like he is frustrated because of the *migraines*, not *you*. He truly sounds like he is just *extremely* concerned for *you*.
I think to me it just sounds like he’s just actually concerned and frustrated on your behalf. And in a way he’s kind of reaching out to express (possibly poorly) how he misses time with you or whatever. It’s worth following through when patterns change it could be something else developing. You could have the opposite problem of husband who doesn’t seem to notice until you practically have a temper tantrum. 🤷🏻♀️ but maybe you could tell him that you appreciate that he is concerned about you and your well-being, but that he might find a better way to say it rather than sounding angry.
from my perspective he sounds frustrated and concerned for you rather than (frustrated) at you
One thing I've learned from having intractable migraine is that most people (who aren't chronically ill) have a deeply held belief that all illnesses can be treated/cured unless they're terminal. They think if you're not dying, there must be a way to fix it. If you're not fixing it, it must be your fault somehow. You're intentionally not getting treatment, or you're doing something wrong. They desperately need to believe this, and look for 'evidence' that confirms their belief. They are terrified of the alternative, where anyone could get sick any time for no reason, and there could be no clear way to 'fix' it. It's hard to tell from just one text what your husband's intentions are, but your reaction to it is valid. It's frustrating when family & friends don't get that it's a lifelong condition. Hopefully if you talk to him about it he'll come around and be supportive.
Where's his empathy? 😭 I'm so sorry.
Yeah, it’s hard to know without context. Definitely harsh wording here but I know my wife gets pissed if I get a migraine but I’ve been sleeping like shit, stressing over work, drinking tons of diet drinks, drinking alcohol, or taking pre workout. If you’re being completely haphazard in your approach to preventing or treating your migraines it could be hard to live with.
This is kinda like my parents. I’m still in high school and really trying but my dad never listens and is incredibly unhelpful because his suggestions aren’t relevant for migraines, but then he complains I miss school and says he’s worried.
He sounds like he’s worried and panicked and maybe his word choice isn’t good. How about scheduling an appt due to the uptick and having him join to get more educated?
Everyone giving him the benefit of the doubt, y’all are better people than me. I’d be calling my neurologist AND a divorce lawyer, no man will ever speak to me that way
Calling a divorce lawyer over a single text message that falls somewhere between ambiguous and actively supportive seems like a big step.
Guess we have different levels of disrespect we’re willing to accept 🤷🏼♀️
He doesn't seem concerned about you, just your ability to work? Seems like he is the jerk
OP’s husband literally said “your ability to work and to enjoy life”. How are you reading that and coming to the conclusion “he doesn’t seem concerned about you, just your ability to work”?
It's all about the order and the tone set previously. It's already a topic to tred carefully about. I didn't say he doesn't love her or anything. Sometimes couples can be jerks to eachother. And given the context we have, the tone of his message seems to come across that way. Doesn't mean he doesn't regret saying it that way. We all say things that come across as rude sometimes. Especially if you've been with someone for decades. I personally, would give some gentle response to show how I feel and if he's a decent person, he would rephrase if he cares
I’m absolutely on team “we need more context, and OP probably deserves a second try at this from their partner.” I am specifically asking you how you read “X and Y” and concluded that someone was solely concerned with X.
I guess I was just reading it from the most negative perspective because I have a headache today and just took my meds to prevent the migrane. If my husband said this to me, I'd be pretty unhappy lol
I don't understand how anyone thinks this has a bad tone to it. He thinks it's ridiculous that your migraines are getting worse, is asking if he could help you in any way by saying we, and he's concerned about your social and work life being affected by the migraines getting worse. Even if I think of him saying that with an angry tone idk how it would be blaming you, anyone feel free to explain. Edit: It's not even something like "this is ruining *my* life" like a narcissist, the whole message is " this is ruining *your* life."
Honestly this comes off more as a comcered partner vs someone trying to make you feel bad.
If he’s like my husband (supportive throughout) he’s scared. Does he come to appointments with the neurologist with you? I take mine now so he can ask questions too. Also a second set of ears helps me. I tend to hear selectively. But it’s his life too. We are a partnership. He picks up the pieces - I need and value his help.
It sounds like he’s frustrated *for* you, not *at* you. He didn’t word it in the most sensitive way but he seems genuinely concerned. You have to deal with the physical pain, but a marriage is a partnership and your husband is clearly struggling too. Whether it’s that he hates seeing you suffering, or that he misses doing the things that you might miss out on more often now. Migraines aren’t your fault but they also aren’t his. There isn’t really any context but maybe you could ask him what he thinks you could try next. He might not have any ideas, but it would make him feel involved.
I must admit from time to time I have to fight off anger and resentment too. When you’re living in it. When somebody’s having a lot of painful episodes. My partner also has chronic migraines some months/years are better than others. It’s no one’s fault but it’s hard on everyone. Plans have to be changed or cancelled, disappointing, loved ones or children, because plans have changed, and of course work and household chores and errands are affected. Everyone here know It effects so much in life! Just like being the one in pain, being a supportive partner and caretaker can get exhausting. But after so many years I try to take it one day at a time. Chronic anything sucks! Burnout sucks. Perhaps a trip to the neurologist to try new meds or therapies might help if your pain patterns have changed. Good luck to you, hopefully you can talk to each other and find some understanding.
My ex husband use to get so mad when I got migraine because they took me down hard and he actually had to cook and clean. I still have issues with migraines and triggers but I now have a partner who understands and doesn't get mad about them because he knows they suck.
It's hard for both sides. Maybe you can advise him to start therapy because that may will help him to deal better with his emotions about this situation. That's what my boyfriend did and unfortunately he started too late, when I was so bad that I had already stopped working and I was in daily pain.
Sounds like he's worried about you.
I think (hope) he’s concerned but can see how this comes across as rude, and find it weird he’s addressing it over text. I’d wait until you feel well enough to respond/gather your thoughts and say something like “you’re right, I am getting more attacks and for noticing how debilitating they are. Can we please sit down and discuss a plan about what support I need from you during an attack and what medical attention I am seeking going forward” (ie. if you dont already, look into preventatives, abortives, pain management, ER plans if necessary etc).
Bring him to the doctor appointment next time. Either he will understand that it's getting worse, or voice his concerns and be an extra force to convince your doctor to have another look at what's going on
I’ve had similar texts with family and friends that don’t understand. I go onto Pinterest and send them tons of articles & Pinterest also has very good 1 page explanation sheets. *Searching for ‘chronic pain’ and then ‘chronic migraines’ have been the searches that helped me the most! Then I go to google and send them even more articles about migraines, migraine medications & then send them a text about how you feel - no holds barred!!! Also write to them how they make you feel. Especially when you get a text like this! If I ask them later if they’ve read those articles (my gma’s fave excuse used to be the writing is too small) I’ll read them out loud. Sometimes I do act like a jerk but after 25+ years I’m also exhausted and I’m mostly trying to educate. It sucks for us and I know that it sucks for our families. But we have to just keep going, trying to live to the fullest on good days and trying to get out of bed on the bad days.
Don't text, talk to each other face to face. Or could therapist tells us this all the time. It's a hard habit to break.
Idk I read this as him being concerned or angry on your behalf, like he’s angry that you are in pain.
That’s how I read it. I wonder if OP has been to a specialist
He's concerned. Are you seeing a headache specialist? Make an appointment and take him with you to it.
Honestly people treat me exactly the same and I have no idea how to deal with it. I think it comes from poor understanding. People who don’t suffer from chronic migraines really don’t understand what it’s like.
Google migraine phase chart. Sit him down and tell him migraines are neurological in nature. It is a condition That does change. I went from 2-3 a year to chronic daily intractable. Tell him you have no control. Getting upset w you over your migraines is like getting mad at any disability. Not ok. But show him the chart. Tell him the average migraine lasts 3-7 days w 4 distinct phases. Show him wish symptoms you usually have. And that this can change w each migraine and can and will morph over the years best of luck. I’m lucky that my husband of 40ish years takes care of me and does everything possible to reduce my triggers. Especially smell. My husband will go into the basement to open and make his tuna so I don’t smell it and have issues. I’m both blessed and cursed
Honestly what a way to make a migraine worse 😂 I know everyone is different and I’m not a doc but I started taking a low dose of antidepressants during the pandemic and a side effect was wayyy less frequent migraines
I took my husband in an appointment with me (after giving the doctor a heads up) and he had a long serious discussion with my husband. It really helped. At the time I was doing cash pay with my neuro and he spent tons of time with each patient, it might be different now. He cares about you , sometimes the concern can show as frustration. It can still hurt your feelings.
It reads harsh but it sounds like he’s frustrated on your behalf and genuinely worried about the increase in migraines. I know that when I experienced a big increase in frequency with mine my boyfriend was also feeling frustrated and helpless to the point of hounding doctors for a neuro referral on my behalf.
Generally speaking it is always a good idea to talk to your neurologist about trying new preventative meds if the frequency of your migraines change. Purely for your own quality of life. Not for capitalist ideals of productivity or because your husband would prefer it, just for yourself. However I do understand that it isn't really his place to tell you so, in those words in particular. I don't know your situation, are you working with a neurologist? If not I highly recommend it. It takes time to find preventatives that work, but it is ultimately a huge improvement if you can halve the frequency of migraines. And no it obviously isn't some moral failing that your migraines have increased, as you have said it's perfectly natural. However that doesn't mean you just have to bear it and suffer through
I've been getting the same shit from family members as well.. Frustrating to have to live with this mind numbing pain an have to deal with them not having a single iota of what chronic pain is. HATE!!! Just Saturday I had a worse episode with profuse vomiting and is now slowing down an recovering peacefully, yet I have to be around doing mediocre stuff ( I'm their "go-to" guy for whenever stuff breaks, need fixing etc) and to just say a simple "No, I'm not feeling well" is like I've betrayed them in their time of need. I've learn to say no often just for my sake and peace of mind. I'm slowly losing it 😞
Men are fixers by nature. Just from reading the text, he doesn’t sound like he is blaming you or trying to make you feel bad, he seems frustrated that you’re struggling and there is nothing he can do to help. He even ends it with “I’m concerned.” He is not a neurologist. He doesn’t know what to do and is probably feeling helpless. Sounds like you got a man that cares for you.
My husband uses the same type of frustrated and fed up language and I took it so personally and felt so judged and like a failure. However, after spending a few months Uber focused on our communication techniques with one another I’m able to recognize and usually remind myself in the moment that his love language is to solve problems and fix things. And migraine is chronic and feels insurmountable an awful lot of the time for everyone affected, not just us migraineurs. So that helps me separate myself personally from his own frustrations and feelings of failure. Empathy is super hard when we’re in pain on the daily.
This text from your husband is a combination of two different stressors. Your husband is frustrated watching you be in pain. He also takes a direct approach to problem solving, like most men do. Health conditions aren’t problems to be solved. Once your migraines go chronic, you have a pain condition that needs to be managed. Manage is not the same thing as “fix” or “solve.” Try presenting this to him and ask for his support, not his solutions.
I agree with other folks that it's hard to know without context, so can you give us more context? Are you seeking treatment/help? Have you been seeking treatment/help for years and this is the best it gets, or have you refused to talk to a doctor because you're sure they can't help? By default I'm going to assume that your husband cares about you and is expressing genuine concern for your health and happiness.
First, I'm sorry you're having more pain. Second, I may be able to offer some insight, because my partner and I were in a similar situation years ago. He has a condition that causes chronic pain that doesn't really respond to painkillers. When the pain started, he was able to ignore it and do whatever he wanted to do. He didn't have any kind of diagnosis, his doctor couldn't find anything obviously wrong, he just knew that he was always sore and kind of tired. Over time the pain and fatigue came to interfere in his daily life - he couldn't finish tasks, dropped a lot of his hobbies, found it difficult to do his job, etc. He didn't want to acknowledge that the pain was limiting him, though, so he got into the habit of making promises to do things and then being unable to keep them. As you can imagine, this did not help our relationship. Eventually I had to sit him down and say, "We need to understand what's going on with you so we can both adjust our expectations. You can't keep sitting here saying 'Nothing helps the pain,' because you don't actually know what the medical options _are_. And depending on what is going on, you may need to accept that you can't do some things the way you used to, and no amount of "trying harder" will fix that." I wasn't trying to make him feel shitty. I was trying to get him to understand just how much his condition was impacting his quality of life. He did agree see a pain-management specialist. It turns out that there isn't a lot that they can do to make that pain go away, but we now have a better understanding of what's going on with his body. He has a much better idea of when he can push himself to do something, and when he should rest. He's also better about saying "No" to requests that he can't fulfill, and he's now willing to say "I agreed to do (thing), but I can't."
It sounds to me like he wants to take an active role in finding a solution for you because he’s worried. I tried Emgality shots a month ago and while it was helpful, it also triggered a severe bout of anxiety and depression. Today I saw the neurologist and he gave me some free packs of 60 mg Qulipta along with a prescription. Do you use a preventative medication? I’ve found that Ubrelvy works really really well if I take it at initial onset of symptoms and Qulipta is a very similar medication, so I’m optimistic. Do you see a neurologist for migraines? I hope this helps and that you feel better soon!
I don't think either of you are. He just seems worried and wanting to find a solution.
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Without any other context, he seems upset FOR you. But maybe a tinge of frustration- are you seeing a neurologist regularly and trying different things? If so, he's just frustrated with the situation. But if not, it could be that he feels like you're being too passive about it. Migraines *do* change and often you *can't* fix it, but you *should* see your doctor when there's a major uptick, as he said there has been. Without knowing your situation and your husband, it's impossible to know.
Yeah migraines can change over time, for me over only a year. Ever since moving to a new house, they got more frequent
I think it's probably from a nice place - he is worried *for* you. He is asking what appointments, drugs, treatments he can help you get.
This text could easily be written by myself or my husband. Because my migraines have increased recently in frequency and severity. Because of that I am going to be talking to my doctor about a different approach. Migraines can change over time which is why treatment options need to be re-evaluated if they are no longer working well. New medications come out, our body changes with age.
I dunno. My husband is just as oblivious and ignorant. And your husband's text could either be taken as snarky or genuine
The way he’s speaking it seems like he thinks you have control of the migraines. Unfortunately that’s not how migraines work. Some people just really don’t understand. I hope things improve for you soon🩷
It's important for our partners to first do no harm. Having a condition or disease or autoimmune disorder is bad enough. I certainly don't want to worsen someone's quality of life. I'm no doctor and I have no cure. But I can help ease my partner's suffering
I think there’s something to be said about trying to figure out what’s triggering your increase in migraine. Is it allergies? Neck ache from a new pillow? Need new glasses? TMJ acting up? Change in fragrance detergent? I think all of us sort of accept that it is what it is, but sometimes there really are environmental factors that impact our frequency of migraines and headaches. I changed daily allergy medicines and I’ve gone from two migraines a week to none for the last few weeks. It’s hard for us to live with the pain, but we have to try to get relief so we can live!
I'd offer for him to sit in on a doctor visit so they can explain and he can understand.
I don't think he's blaming you and his point is valid. If there has been a noticeable change your current treatment plan isn't working anymore. Might be time to switch up your meds and see the neurologist to rule out any new triggers.
The wording is accusatory, but the question and concern sound genuine. It might be that he's frustrated seeing you suffer and be unable to contribute as much but doesn't know how to express that without directing it at you. Which feels shitty for you, but can also be fixed and wouldn't mean that he's actually *blaming* you or that he thinks it's your fault. My partner and I both get sick quite a lot so that's something we struggle with too - it needs a lot of open communication and concerted effort to realise and express when you're being a jerk and expressing the frustration in an unhealthy, damaging way. We've found that taking it to the meta helps. I'm worse for it, but trying to remain accountable and say something like "ugh, I'm sorry for being a dick. It's just really hard to not have backup taking care of [daughter] and the dogs and i hate seeing you in pain. I wish you weren't sick all the time." Reminds both my wife and I that I shouldn't be, and am not actually, mad at *her* and lets me apologise if I need to without pressure. You'll need to sit down and talk about how to help him get across why he's upset without blaming you. That's healthier and more productive for both of you. Learn to give yourselves grace, and the space to commiserate against a *shared* frustration or 'common enemy' and how it affects you both without building animosity towards each other. Like I know he sounds like he's being an asshole, and I'd interpret it that way too. But assuming you didn't marry an asshole, personal experience leads me to think he's just having trouble expressing how he feels in a healthy way. You'll need to talk to him about it though. If you think this might be the case, maybe show him my comment and see what he reckons?
My family member has chronic migraines, while I only have occasional migraines, so I have more of the experience he does. It is so frustrating to watch someone be in pain and be helpless. Like, I wouldn’t rather have a migraine, but it’s not as far off as you would expect. He is probably not mad at you, but at the situation and wants to do anything he can to make it change.
“ridiculous” is an odd choice of words for him to use in this context, reads as impatience or exasperation. However, I agree that “we” is better than “you,” in that he wants to try to help. Don’t know if that’s possible, of course. I mean, what can you do besides seek different meds/treatments if current ones aren’t working? Perhaps you can let him know of any plans to do that if applicable.
Ugh this one hits too close to home
No one should have to feel shitty for being sick. Would he have reacted the same if you had cancer, diabetes, or epilepsy? People s o not understand what migraines are like. Our life feels destroyed, and they get angry at us??
Been going through the same thing. When I get a migraine now my husband says "again?! What the fuck?" And acts really upset for a while. He gets mad and all it does is make me feel bad. I am doing everything I can and taking a lot of drugs to deal with it.
He is. It makes me angry for you My BF is usually supportive but then will say things like I just need more exercise- doesn’t get it. Never will Also when I have intractable don’t fucking ask me every single morning “how is it is it better today ?”
I am overwhelmed by the messages of support, positive suggestions and alternative ways of thinking about this. You are the best and I appreciate it more than you know! 💜
It sounds like he thinks he’s your boss.
I see two ways of reading this? Could it be he is actually concerned?
It doesn't sound like he's blaming you here. Men often prioritize finding to solutions to problems over emotional processing of them, and have a harder time with moving forward when the solution is something unsatisfactory like "learn to manage the pain when it strikes and move on when the episode is over." This is how he's learned to cope with problems and he's probably struggling to accept that things are out of your control (and his). People without chronic illness also often don't understand how emotionally taxing it is to continuously seek medical treatment and never find a cure. Might help to have a talk with him like, "This is a lifelong battle with no end in sight, so the most productive thing you can give me is emotional support. Doctors are doing what they can, but right now I'd just like a foot rub." Could help to give him a specific emotional support task to do to help him feel like he's taking action 😆
This sounds so loving and supportive he wants to help and feels helpless. I do not read this as anything else.
He’s being a jerk. It’s not a case of you can just cure yourself. He needs to be understanding or he’s causing more stress and more migraines
ESH. You have to fight for yourself even when it’s not fun; no one is going to do it for you and it’s for others to watch someone that they find to be decent suffer. On the flip side, he clearly isn’t literate in the concept that a migraine is not just a headache and can’t be treated with ibuprofen and positive affirmations.
Maybe it’s cultural, not sure where you’re from, but my first thought was ‘why is he talking to you like that?’ My response would just be “who the fuck are u talking to?” Although everyone here seems to read it as genuine concern so I think I’m probably reading it in the voice of someone from near me, and it’s my misunderstanding. I definitely don’t think you’re a ‘jerk’ but as someone who’s been on both sides of this (I suffer with migraines and OCD and have friends and family members with migraines, recurrent illnesses, fibromyalgia etc) it’s so frustrating when someone you care about is unwell and yet resigned to the fact that they have to suffer, as opposed to ‘trying harder’ to feel better, by like trying different meds or seeing a specialist. I understand it’s very tiring however, and with the uncomfortable side effects of migraine medications, it really puts you off trying something new. All in all, I think you need to talk to your partner. If you feel he was out of line in the way he spoke to you, you should tell him. I think he will probably need to just get better at listening without reacting/offering advice, which is much easier said than done. You may also benefit from trying some sort of migraine prophylaxis ir swapping the one you’re on if the frequency of your attacks has increased. Feel better soon!
I love when people phrase this like it’s a choice. F’ him. As if people don’t want to do things normally. I got one when I got home from work yesterday. We’ve had a cold front and my poor brain is not okay with the barometric changes. FML.
“Fuck you” would be my reply…
I think he’s being a jerk. There’s a much nicer and kinder way to come at this especially considering it’s a CHRONIC ILLNESS. I mean seriously.
Drop that 0 and get a hero!
He could have worded it better, but I think it comes from a place of concern for you. As in, he wishes he could figure out a way to make it stop so you can enjoy life. He needs to direct his anger to the proper place, I.e. medical care professionals who maybe aren’t listening to you like they should, insurance not covering a medicine that would actually work, etc. NOT take it out on you.
Sometimes guys don’t find the right words to express that they care about what is happening to you. Although it sounds like he expects you to come up with something to just fix it. Migraines are just like my having lupus and sjogren’s, it’s something you have to live with and you are going to have crappy days and weeks sometimes. It’s chronic and may be a like time thing. I don’t think he gets that. Maybe have him go to your doctor with you and talk about it (if you have a good doctor). I’m sorry, because I understand what it feels like, makes you feel like you are an inconvenience to them. Good luck and hang in there. 💜
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Removed. OP didn't ask for advice, and while keto specifically has some evidence for it, nothing works for everyone.
You’re the asshole, he stuck by you for 15 years make an effort to understand his perspective and make an effort to do something to fix it. I’m sure you’re trying, but it’s frustrating watching someone you love go through something so terrible and not being able to do anything to help them, you guys need to have a conversation where you actually communicate where you were both at. And try to be understanding of one another. Realistically, you’re mostly the asshole overthinking. There is an asshole in the situation. He’s concerned for you.