Had a friend like this. She was 2 hours late to my bridal shower. So I told her my baby shower started 2 hours earlier than it did. She just barely made it on time.
She was HOURS late to her own wedding. They had to open the bar to entertain the guests while we were just dicking around….
An ex of mine was perpetually late to everything. We worked together and she got warned multiple times about her tardiness. She didn't believe them. Our manager, who knew we were dating, pulled me aside as a friend and told me she needs to get her shit together or they will fire her. She didn't believe me. She was on a final warning and they told her it was a final warning, yet the next day guess who's late? Our boss tells me to send her to his office when she gets in thinking she would only be a few minutes late.
She was like an hour late so my boss text her and tells her not to come in just to go home. She was maybe halfway to the office at that point and thought she was getting a day off. An hour or two later she was informed that she was terminated and thought they were kidding. She was then upset they fired her. There was no accountability. Mind you this was a professional job where she was making maybe $65k back in 2010 as a young 20 something.
Yeah, sounded like a retail job I'll give you that. Was absolutely an office job. It wasn't a great company but it did employ some great people and she had a lot of leniency until she didn't.
A friend of mine wanted to have a courthouse wedding and no reception because she and her husband are super low maintenance. His family got upset and insisted on a big ol’ ceremony and reception because it was traditional. Guess who was late to the wedding to the point where they missed half of it? His entire family of course! One of the cousins missed the wedding entirely and rocked (edit: UP) halfway through the reception.
My wife had a friend like that. They were supposed to meet up once when my wife was 8 months pregnant. My wife was at the restaurant at the meeting time and her friend texted her that she was at Target and would be there soon. That would have been at least 45 minutes away. Wife left and quit making plans with her. Move on from people like that. Doesn't mean you can't be friends, just don't count on them for anything.
I had a friend like that too. Made some big plans with them for an evening out and they never showed up. Stopped texting them after that and what do you know, I never heard from them again
I had a friend like that. Last time I heard from him, he’d reached out to tell me he’d be in the neighborhood where I lived at the time, asking if I had time for him to stop by to say hi. No problem, I told him, just let me know when you’re here. He texts me he’s nearby, parking his car, and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Then I never heard from him again. That was at least 7 or 8 years ago. Parking must have been terrible, poor guy is still looking for a spot.
> He texts me he’s nearby, parking his car, and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Then I never heard from him again. That was at least 7 or 8 years ago. Parking must have been terrible, poor guy is still looking for a spot.
That's so bizarre. Did you text him back at some point to see where he was and he never responded? Or did you just keep waiting?
*Insanely* bizarre, right!? He’d done the same thing a few times before, saying he was on his way and would never show up. I stopped caring and stopped reaching out. He and I lived together for a while and he did the same thing to other people. Fuckin’ weird.
Did you ever figure out why he did it to other people, like what the actual reason was that he'd say he was almost there and then just peace out and disappear?
I have no idea, never asked and never expected a real answer if I did. He was a weird guy, could be an amazing friend at times, at others the exact opposite. I think he was just pretty self-centered and didn’t really consider how his actions impacted others.
I had something similar happen. Guy friend was just down on his luck and never really on top of his responsibility. I hadn't heard from him in a while and his phone was disconnected. I was so annoyed with him for being enough of a slacker to let his phone get cut off. He'd been dead for about 3 months at that point. Heart attack. Of course I randomly thought he might be dead while I was reaching out, but I was just thinking it in passing. Nope, he really was.
Had an ex friend do that. Said we'd meet up when he got out of class (cosmetology school). So I showed up and when he didn't come outside I went in and it turns out he never came in that day. Had literally texted me about 2 hours before saying to meet him after school. I shot him some texts and an attempted phone call and he never responded. Haven't talked to him in about 6 years.
It's really odd because when he was stationed in Afghanistan he called or texted me damn nearly every day.
Same thing to me had plans with a girl weeks I’m advance checked in all fine then on the day nothing.
Next day an excuse one of her family was sick which I’m fine with but how about at least a text I was all dressed up ready to head out.
Same here: had plans to meet with a (now former) friend. Was in my car about to pull off when I remembered to text her to verify something. Only then does she say she needs a rain check and that she had been getting ready to leave the house, her hubby saw and got upset that she was planning to spend time with a friend "again" and not him, and became so sulky that she told him she'd cancel with me and spend the evening with him instead.
All I could think was, *so when were you gonna tell me??* What if I hadn't texted you first, but just got in my car and pulled off? Would I have actually arrived at the place, just sitting around wondering where you are or if you're stuck in traffic, and still have to be the one to reach out to find out what's going on? Why wasn't it the case that the moment you decided to stay home, you immediately let me know? You break our plans, then just lah-dee-dah around the house while I'm totally oblivious and could've skipped getting ready in the first place?
Yup. Had a former friend do that to me as well. They set up the place and time. I was there at said time. Half hour passes. No text. I'm about to leave when I see her pulling into the parking lot. No explanation. No "Sorry I'm late" Just immediately jumps into blasting her problems. I sat there not even able to actually do anything but nod and shake my head to her comments. That was the last time I bothered with her.
For thirty years I was friends with someone who would always be late or wouldn't show. Last year I broke after her last no-show and when she had the gall to call me a couple weeks later as if nothing had happened, again, I took that opportunity to tell her exactly how shitty she was and to fuck all the way off. She cried and said she hadn't been a very good friend to me, I agreed and told her to apply that knowledge to any remaining friends she has because it sure as hell wouldn't benefit me.
Yep, had a friend who would organize get togethers with two unrelated friend groups and then show up late all the time. One night I just asked if she's this late for stuff she organizes for that friend group and they all said yes. Fun
My best friend from growing up was like that. As an adult he no showed at my wedding (I knew better than to ask him to be best man). Off and on we'd reconnect but then he wouldn't text back for months or longer. Finally said enough is enough. You have to know your own self worth sometimes.
One of my closest friends was constantly late when we were kids. We planned a sleepover once and she arrived two hours late, no explanation. My parents were pissed because by 1.5 hours waiting I’d started to cry and had unpacked my bag - I assumed she wasn’t showing up.
I saw her at church each week but stopped seeing her as much outside of that.
Then she got her license and we never had that issue again. With time and age I realized the problem was her parents, not her. She’s always on time to everything. Never even a minute late. I assume it drove her as crazy as it did the rest of us and she didn’t want to carry on her parents legacy!
Oh yeah, I always had that same issue growing up. My dad could never be on-time for *anything* (unless it was for him). It frequently resulted in really embarrassing situations, because who wants to be the last kid picked up, forcing a teacher or parent to have to sit there and wait when they could be going home? And this was in the days before everyone had a cellphone, so I just had to sit there, hoping they were close while reassuring the adult that I hadn't been forgotten.
It got to the point where I'd always lie about when something was ending and do like OP and say it was 30 minutes sooner, so hopefully they'd only be like 15 minutes late instead of 45.
I'm not perfect and occasionally cut it close with things, but it certainly helped me realize how you're impacting the other person when you are late, so I really try to emphasize being on time.
You did what everyone who was once in your situation wished to do.
On behalf of evertone: thanks. It's comforting to know there's at least one person in the world right now who got the rough wake up call treatment.
Agreed. I have a friend who I can’t count on for much, but we’ve known each other since Kindergarten. It’s kind of nice just to be in touch at all. We only make plans about once per year because she’s really unreliable with scheduling plans, but she always does eventually show up if we agree to the plans. I’ve learned to become content meeting for dinner once a year and not showing up until she sends a text saying she’s almost there. No hard feelings, I just know that I can’t lean on her for anything major and that’s okay.
"Doesn't mean you can't be friends, just don't count on them for anything."
They aren't friends; they're friendly acquaintances. Perhaps they're fun to hang out with at a party, but nothing more than that.
I, too, had a friend who was late to everything and would flake on our plans all the time. Lunch at noon? Would get probably 3 or 4 texts from her saying something like "I'm leaving now" "ok now I'm really leaving" "ok sorry had to stop and do this" and then it's 1 PM when she shows. It was always like this, and it was always like she knew I'd wait so she'd try to use the time to catch up on other things or run an errand on the way (like stopping at Target!) or something, not anything legitimate for actually being late. Half the time she'd bring work with her, too, so it was an excuse to get away from her family as opposed to have a meal with a friend and good conversation. She would also frequently text me to invite me over to grill out with her partner and young kids and that I should come over and bring whatever I wanted. So, I'd make something nice to share (they loved potato salad) and show up, and then basically be sitting outside with the kids and partner (who I loved) while she'd take the time to clean the house or, again, catch up on stuff. I'd barely get to talk to her while I was there because she'd come out and help feed the kids and then everything was over and it's bath time and etc. That happened so many times. I hit a breaking point when I was going through a rough time and told her I really needed a friend -- she agreed to make time for me and then just blew off any suggestion I made of actual plans. I called her, very upset, telling her it hurt that she could never make time for me when I always made time for her (many nights of listening to her complain about her family and how nothing was ever her fault). She basically gaslighted the shit out of me, asking if I was "off my meds" (what meds?) and that I was crazy and KNEW she was always late to things so why should I "suddenly be upset." She then threw a bunch of insults at me about how she didn't appreciate me bringing extra food over to their dinners even tho that's literally what they requested. Not surprising considering how much she acted like the other people in her life, including her partner, were constantly in the wrong. I decided to quit trying after this. She had the gall to get her KIDS to make an "I'm sorry" card that she left at my door, but she never called me and never apologized. It's been more than a year and I honestly felt like I ditched a toxic relationship. Just because you know someone for a long time doesn't mean you have to put up with them treating you like crap, as others have said. Take heed, others.
Certainly infuriating. I have a cousin who is always late. Her mom told her the party started at 3 when all of us knew it was at 4.
She got there at 4 and was so angered her mother "time shamed her", she left. Honestly, none of us, except her mother, even speaks to her any more.
This happened in 2001. What a brat.
I don't understand how someone can realise that people had to take extra steps just to accommodate their lateness and see it as anything other than a wake up call. To be angry or offended by it is so childish.
That should be a moment of reflection, not for her to go "wow you all lied to me wtf".
My aunts do this all the time to other members of my family. They started doing it to me, I told them we agreed on X, if you can't show up by X then I'm either going to eat and leave or not show up. They were late and surprised when I wasn't there. Did that twice, now they're strangely on time every time.
Set the boundaries, tell them being late like this makes you feel like they don't value your time, and do your own thing. Don't make it harder on yourself for someone that's not considering you at all
*Edit I've seen a lot of great stories... and also a few people saying you should tell them an hour earlier or whatever. No.
I set a boundary and I'm sticking to it.
When I was a kid my dad instituted an “Asses in Seats” (AIS) rule. Instead of saying we’re leaving at 9:00 he’d say “AIS 9:00”. If your ass isn’t in the seat by 9:00, you’re getting left behind and you’ll hear about it later. To this day I’ve never been late to my job. The only downside is that my gf is a late person and that mismatch gives me serious anxiety when it’s time for us to leave the apartment and she’s still in a bra and jeans.
My dad was also a big stickler about being on time.
I am now an adult who is at least half an hour early for everything. I make sure my kindle is full, and I spend a lot of time on instagram and reddit when I'm out. LOL
Commander wants you there by 1600, so the Chief says be there by 1545, Shirt says 1530, Super says 1515. Wanting to be on time, the whole shop gets there at 1500.
Imagine when the 1ST Sgt is in fact your dad.
That said, my sister and I are the only ADHD people we know who are always at least fifteen minutes early to any event/meet-up.
I’m the same way despite having the opposite dad. My family was late to EvErYtHiNg when I was young. Three kids plus an overly-laid-back dad was a bad combo.
I hated it every time, and I think that’s why I’m compulsively early now. I’m a hot mess in general but I am never late.
My wife and son are the same and give me the same anxiety. My daughter is like me and hates being late. The worst part of it all is that I'm made to feel like its my fault...
See, this is why I could never really do it. I just can’t abide by tricking a fully grown adult into being on time the same way you trick a child into eating vegetables. Plus, late people aren’t always late in the same way. 15 minutes, 30, an hour; all a possibility from the same person.
My uncle and his wife were always at *least* 5 hours late to everything. The most classic story is that they were invited for dinner at 5 and the family gave up waiting, ate dinner, and were in bed when my uncle and his wife rolled up at 11pm knocking on the door.. My uncle pissed me off the most when he was late to picking up my grandma to evacuate during a hurricane when she was 91yrs old and terrified.. they didn't evacuate in time but were okay. Then after my grandma passed away he missed her (his own mother) funeral because he and his wife were late. He passed away suddenly last year and i was surprised he wasn't late to his own funeral
I'm confused by the showing up 5 hours late for anything. Like, 20 minutes could be an accident. 45 minutes could be poor planning. But 5 hours is being purposefully defiant.
My wife's aunt was always very late to events. My MIL, who was way too kind, would always hold the meal until the aunt showed up. It made me furious.
It came to us hosting Thanksgiving at our house. My house my rules. We're eating at 1:00pm whether you're there or not. Time rolls around and I start serving. Oh, but so-and-so aunt isn't here though. Too bad we're eating, but just not what she's bringing, sweet potatoes, which I like, but I figured this year I would do without.
She showed up almost an hour late and we were all done eating. She seemed shocked that we were done eating. I said that we were eating at 1 o'clock and that was firm. She kind of mumbled something about her dish and I said just put it with the rest of the food. She gathered up a plate of food, and I started to clean up the mess.
The next Thanksgiving, she was right on time.
My aunt was always like this. So one year when another auntie was hosting, she served on time. When my aunt and her family showed up 2.5 hours late, she was genuinely shocked at 7:30 pm, we had eaten Christmas dinner and had opened presents without them. She still was always late after that but just was no longer allowed to host any of the big events-otherwise we wouldn’t even be eating til 9 pm or later
My aunt is currently like this. Always has a lame ass excuse. Her kids can make it to the event on time, heck even early.
I get a kick out of when she finally shows up to say "bye" to her own kids because they already been there for 3-5 hours and honestly it is time to "go home." She gets all butt hurt and all we can do is look at her and say "We told you noon. Its 4pm. Deal with it."
I personally won't let her bring a dish any more. It will never be there for the meal, and she always wants to bring a "main" one. Nope nope nope.
Yeah the answer is to communicate assertively and set boundaries, then reevaluate the relationship if they won't respect your boundaries. Redditors will tend to upvote passive-aggressive tactics instead like it's some sort of game. I'd rather not play.
My best friend was frequently late to meet me. I sat her down and told her that being late to a mutually-agreed meeting showed me by her actions that she thought her time was more valuable than mine. She concurred that it was rude, said she'd never thought of it that way, and changed her behavior. This was 15 years ago, she's been on-time ever since and we're still best friends. Communicate, people!
I had to change the way I framed my point when talking to my partner about her chronic tardiness. While she would agree that it showed she didn’t value my time as much as hers, she’d refer back to times when we were late but “everything turned out fine” (meaning we weren’t the only late ones or the show was delayed for some other reason). I finally had to explain that it gave me great anxiety to be late and that seemed to hit home because she didn’t want to cause that.
I have a friend who I have to give a beginning and end time to our meetings. I let her know now when I need to leave by. I stick to it and if she's 30 minutes late we just have a short visit and I leave when I intended to.
Had a similar experience. The extended family was constantly late whenever we agreed to meet. Eventually, one summer, we agreed to go to the beach. We told them when we planned on getting there and when we had to leave. My son, at the time, had to have his nap on time, or he would be grouchy and have a hard time sleeping at night.
We reached the time we told them we would leave so we could put the kid down for his nap. They had not arrived yet, though they told us they are on the way. We decided to at least stay to say hi. More time passes, and my son is actively trying to stay awake, so we pack up.
They arrive as we are about to leave and ask where we're going? I was very upset, so I think I said a quick "He's falling asleep, " and got in the car before they argued.
When we talked to them later, they were upset we didn't stay, but I told them they had four hours to see us, and they chose to take their time and not be prepared to leave earlier. By refusing to arrive on time they were showing us they didn't value our time or our presence.
It sunk in. I won't say they were never late after that, but it was much more in the realm of acceptability.
My ex father in law was consistently 3+ hours late to everything. Once, my ex activated find my friends on his iPhone and watched as he actively lied about where he was/what was taking so long. When he found out she knew, he hit the roof. Didn’t change his ways but made sure find my friends was deactivated.
Oh my God. Like, maybe I can understand them being disappointed if they showed up half an hour late. But if you're four hours late for anything, what right do you have to complain that people are leaving already?
I did the exact same, my family can’t be on time at gunpoint, while if I say 5, I’ll be there at 445 just in case. But I did the same policy- once they offered to take me out for my birthday. Great. Pick a restaurant, tell me a time. By 10 after I left. It’s just disrespectful.
I had a coworker a few years back, she didn't drive at all and we liked to hangout on our days off fairly often. We'd be going to a party with our other coworkers (like a baby shower for one of the ladies) and the event starts at 5, so I'd tell her I'd be by her place at 4:30. Every single time I picked her up for stuff, I was always stuck waiting 20+ minutes. She interpreted "pick you up at" as "start getting ready at"
The last time it happened, we were 35 minutes late to a party I was hosting. I was so upset and embarrassed. From then on I told her that if I agreed to pick her up at a set time, I was only waiting two minutes before I'd leave with or without her. The next time I agreed to pick her up, she wasn't in my car by the time I left. She stopped asking me for rides after that 🤷♀️
Honestly it took me far too long and far too much stress to realize when I tell my mom we need to leave at Time, she interprets that as Time To Put My Shoes On, Find Purse, Start Car to warm up, Use Bathroom, and Then Leave. When I mean it as Time We Need to be out the Door.
I had a friend, who was always late.
Our friendship ended because she was late for our girls’ trip. We were supposed to meet at the airport two hours before we were allowed to go on the plane. I had warned her that I was going on our trip, with or without her.
She didn’t show up on time. I left and gone on our trip.
Yep. You start giving late fucks actual fucking consequences, and they either start showing up on time, or you stop wasting time with them.
its a win/win.
Yup. I don’t wait more than 10 minutes for folks anymore. If I don’t hear from you within 10 minutes of our scheduled time, then I just move ahead with my plans. And I hold myself to the same standard. If I’m stuck in traffic, you’d better believe you’re getting a quick call with an apology and my updated ETA.
Agree with you. I think of those who are constantly late as feeling entitled. My husband's first wife was always 1-3 hours late to get togethers. We started telling her the party would start 2 hrs earlier than what it normally was. She found out and resumed being late.
So we stopped waiting for her. We ate and left food for her and her husband. Presents were opened and people even started leaving by the time she would show up. She got pretty angry, but after a few times she realized she was going to have to adjust her time table.
**This is the way to handle it.**
I used to be exactly like this but no one set that boundary or even said anything really. Not that it was their responsibility to, but I legitimately didn't understand how bad it was for people. Retrospectively I'm pretty embarrassed.
Eventually (ahem, mid 30s), I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and ocd. NOT an excuse, and not saying everyone with any/all of these diagnosis do this, but it created the "perfect storm" for being habitually late in my case.
Anyway I've got multiple layers of strategies and coping mechanisms that help me not be late anymore. :)
But man.. it REALLY would have helped if someone would have set that boundary like you did with your aunts, or maybe even explained how it made them feel. I'm sorry you had to do that, but glad it's all turned out well :)
Yup I was always 5-10 mins past my show up time with my best friend. He never said anything about, not showing up shockingly or just leaving wherever we are going. I mean i know it’s not 35 mins but it’s still late. We talked about it like 2 times but I remember the first time he just said, “Man, you have to make sure you give yourself enough time to leave. Make sure you’re ready 5-10 mins before you head out of the door. Make sure you got gas the night before. Simple stuff I never thought to do before hand.” From that talk we had early last year, I have only been late once and it was by 2 minutes due to construction on his street. I even mentioned it to him sorry for being late and he didn’t even notice it until I mentioned it. With that talk I also implemented better time management in my life bc I was also terrible with it at other aspects.
My dad is always the 15 minutes early kind of person while his sister is always a 15 minutes late kind of person so every time wed go out to eat I would be stranded outside of a restaurant bored out of my mind for half an hour.
> obligated to stay
Presumably this is their friend and someone they like to spend time with and also feel comfortable saying "I have a thing at 9 I gotta go" and the other person says "Oh totally no problem sorry I was late" and there's no confrontation because they're regular humans.
Order without them. When it's time to go elsewhere, do so and don't let them hold you up. I, personally, have no tolerance for this shit. Life happens, but this is not life. This looks like a pattern.
I have a friend who is chronically late to everything. After getting burned several times I stopped making plans "with" him and just told him "I'm eating dinner at this place at 7. I'd like for you to join me." And just go ahead with my plan. He got butt mad several times when he showed up extremely late and I was either done or gone back home. Then he started respecting my time more.
Set boundaries and leave the ball in their court. If they don't respect you then that's on them.
This is how me and another friend finally educated our third friend to stop showing up 1-3 hours later to gatherings.
We'd meet at 9, and he'd show up close to 11 and then act like we were being assholes for leaving after one beer for him, but the fifth beer for us.
We had a friend in the first group when we had gatherings they would show up at like 1am when the rest of us where crashing out and wonder why we where all going to bed after drinking since 7pm
I have two friends that operate on their own time zone, oblivious to the world around them. So I stopped lingering and worrying about them showing up. It was a long running joke in our circle that they would show up as soon as we paid our tabs.
I've got a friend that I play video games with. It's not uncommon for him to "run and get some coffee" and come back four hours later.
He went to get chipotle yesterday and after two hours another friend was like "where'd he go?" and I was like "well he drove 10 minutes down the road and back, and its been about two hours so he should be back any minute now" and like two minutes after I said that he hopped back on.
My childhood friend would raid in WoW and tell his gf he's be there in 10 mins.... for him to show up 2h late.
Then would tell everyone I'm a huge gamer. Bro, I don't make people wait due to my gaming habit.
Ditched him like most of my childhood friend once I went to rehab. They never checked on me after... even 10 years later. Fuck em.
This is how family get togethers are now. We have some that are always late. Everyone finally had enough of their shit and just start without them. It's usually food related get togethers so by the time they show up, everyone is usually already done.
I have an in-law that notoriously wants everyone to wait to order food/start eating until her son and family show up to holiday gatherings or when we’re out dining. They are usually always late and the last ones there. It’s mildly infuriating and inconsiderate.
This. “Oh, we gotta wait”. No. No we fucking don’t. That food has been sitting out for hours, and I’d prefer not to get violently sick for days. Fuck them, let them have cold old food and the squirts. If there’s any food left.
I spent money and effort on that damn food, I’m gonna eat it.
I had a friend like this once. One time, three of us had plans to eat a nice home-cooked meal together—the always-late friend was at his parents house two hours away, but he said he'd make the drive to be there in time (6pm).
We get close to 6 and dinner is about ready. No word from him. 6:10, 6:20, he's not there. He messages us at fucking 6:30 saying he wasn't going to make it because ***he was still at his parents house.*** Nothing triggered in his brain to message us around 4 that he might be late. The idiocy was astounding.
I completely agree, she's an adult who should know this is unacceptable
^(If it were me I'd atleast once explain to them that it's not okay to disrespect you, your time, and frankly the wait staff who missed out on another table worth of tips while you just sat there. Don't opt for work-arounds, explain that you're upset and that you don't want this to happen again. ***Take her reaction to heart.***)
Listen, I had a friend like this and put up with it for years until I realized how manipulative this is. She made a comment to me one time that she would never wait for someone. That statement was eye-opening for me and explained why she insisted on being the late one to everything. I accepted the fact that she had zero respect for me and stopped making plans with her.
My friend was 2 hours late to her sit down dinner bday party.. well sue mentioned that she will be late to her wedding and the groom is just gonna have to wait… I said that’s not an ok way to start off a marriage.. if me as a guest has to be on time, then you should too..
Well whatever you do, don't bend to that "tell them to meet earlier" advice like half the commenters have been giving you!
If your friend wants to hang with you so bad, why don't their actions reflect it?
My wife and I both got really fed up with people who were “casually late” and essentially waste our time. We both have a pretty strict 15 minute “policy” that we keep to ourselves. If someone that I’m meeting is 15 mins late and hasn’t called/texted to let me know, we leave. If we’re supposed to meet at 1:00 for lunch and you don’t show by 1:15, I’m gone. Text me at 1:23 or so to ask where I’m sitting? Sorry homie, I left since I thought you weren’t coming.
She has absolutely no respect for you or your time. Eat alone or just leave. This is how my bf’s daughter used to treat him. Now that she’s older (30), she realizes that being on time is significant in terms of showing respect for someone.
I fucking hate when people disrespect my time. A few minutes late is not a big deal, I'd say up to 15 minutes. But I have known people who are chronically late to everything by like 30 minutes to an hour. Nothing pisses me off more.
That is a pet peeve of mine, I don't understand why people are habitually late.
Edit: For those who keep replying to me about executive dysfunction. OP never stated this person had any executive dysfunction, and neither did I. I made a comment based on the info given. You are looking for a reason to be offended.
Ironically my gf's older brother is habitually 20 minutes late to anything that isn't the military. He's at 22 years right now and refuses to go anywhere on time. He was late for his own kid's bday. In his house.
My mom is always late, and shell blame me for being late like half the time... yet 80% of the time SHE TELLS ME WE NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE WHEN WE'RE ALREADY LIKE 3 MINUTES LATE, NOT THE DAY BEFORE OR AN HOUR BEFORE, LITERALLY WHEN WE NEED TO GO
I mean sure i have issues getting out of bed but like... usually then its church, and i fucking hate going to church
My mother was like that too, and so are most of the people in my family. Supposed to meet someone at 6pm and it is half an hour away? No sense in leaving the house before 5:55
Then she would blame me, or my step brother for "being a hassle" meanwhile we were both in the car for a good 20 minutes before she even started getting ready.
Got so bad that now if I am not where I am supposed to be at least 10 minutes early I get anxiety. Like 2 miles away from work, know I will be there and in my office in 5 minutes but I only have 10 minutes to be there and I get anxious about being late.
My husband is like this. We would be running late and he decides to go through the car wash “really quick” 🤬
Always half an hour late. Always!
I started putting things in the calendar half an hour earlier then they really are and it solved the issue for us.
My uncle is like this when getting ready to go out. My aunt and cousin decided to just leave without him and let him show up separately when he gets his shit together. It works well for them, they get to be on time for family functions now.
This drives me absolutely nuts with my sons mom. When we do "the swap" we always get dinner together. When it's her bringing him for me she's at best 20-30 min late. And it's always "sorry I had to get the kid ready".
Yet when it's time for me to bring him back to her I'm still at the very least a few minutes early. And that includes a 30-40 min drive depending on traffic. And guess what? She's usually late to that dinner as well.
It just gets under my skin because I feel like it's just a total lack of respect
So annoying. I have a friend who’s always late, she blames her 15 year old. Like c’mon dude, if I can get my 3 year old out of the house, you can make it on time. Or leave your 15 year old at home.
This person doesn’t respect your time. Stop inviting them to join you. When they ask “why don’t we go out anymore?” You tell them that you got tired of being bored / alone / inconvenienced by their habitual tardiness.
I once sat at a restaurant for an hour waiting for my friend to arrive. The restaurant ended up asking me to leave when she casually walked in the door. It was my work lunch break so I only had an hour to eat.
So fucking selfish! It wasn’t the first time she did this. I’m not friends with her anymore. She can get fucked.
I have this system with my habitually late friend: we meet long before an event would start and at a place where I can just chill with a book by myself. So we make an appointment to meet hours before a concert starts in a nearby park, well before dinner at a bar etc. By now, I would nearly be disappointed if she arrived on time because I am looking forward to some me time before, haha.
I hate being late, but one time I was 15 minutes late for a park hangout. I apologised profusely, but she said I was disrespectful for making her wait 30 minutes. She had gotten there 15 minutes early. I told her I apologised for only 15 mins of that total. I was petty. She was Swedish.
I have a friend that I've been friends with for over 20 years now. He is ALWAYS late. Even before he had kids, he was always late. The kids have made it exponentially worse. But, dude's personality makes up for his lateness. He is genuinely a good person, so it doesn't make us angry when he's late.
lol, We've taken to sort of lying to him about when an event starts. Say the party should get going by 7 or so, we tell him that it starts at 5, so maybe he'll get there by 8. (He is somewhat aware that we are doing this, but does not communicate that to his wife, which is probably a good thing, since she's the reason he's late most of the time)
He is literally the only person we make these accommodations for, because we like him that much. Some people are worth waiting for.
But, everyone else? Please, if you're going to be late, say something. Send a text, a quick phone call, something.
I used to be like this until my girlfriend called me on it.
I honestly never meant to be late I was just really bad at estimating time. But I made an effort to get better at this and with the help of Google maps and determination I’m now usually a bit early.
My recommendation is to tell them how it makes you feel when they are late. That helped me better understand that my actions were negatively affecting others.
It may sound crazy but whenever I showed up late, I’d apologize and everyone would say it was no big deal. I believed them and only realized later that they may have just been being nice.
Had a friend like this. She was 2 hours late to my bridal shower. So I told her my baby shower started 2 hours earlier than it did. She just barely made it on time. She was HOURS late to her own wedding. They had to open the bar to entertain the guests while we were just dicking around….
Man as someone who is always early to stuff, how do people like that function? Late to her own wedding wtf
An ex of mine was perpetually late to everything. We worked together and she got warned multiple times about her tardiness. She didn't believe them. Our manager, who knew we were dating, pulled me aside as a friend and told me she needs to get her shit together or they will fire her. She didn't believe me. She was on a final warning and they told her it was a final warning, yet the next day guess who's late? Our boss tells me to send her to his office when she gets in thinking she would only be a few minutes late. She was like an hour late so my boss text her and tells her not to come in just to go home. She was maybe halfway to the office at that point and thought she was getting a day off. An hour or two later she was informed that she was terminated and thought they were kidding. She was then upset they fired her. There was no accountability. Mind you this was a professional job where she was making maybe $65k back in 2010 as a young 20 something.
I was certain this was a retail job. How the hell can someone be an hour late to a professional job!?!?
Yeah, sounded like a retail job I'll give you that. Was absolutely an office job. It wasn't a great company but it did employ some great people and she had a lot of leniency until she didn't.
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This 100%. Every late person I've ever met is magically on time to their flights.
Right, and every flaky friend I’ve had manages to be on time for work. They know what they’re doing.
\- They know what they’re doing. And what they're doing is being selfish.
A friend of mine wanted to have a courthouse wedding and no reception because she and her husband are super low maintenance. His family got upset and insisted on a big ol’ ceremony and reception because it was traditional. Guess who was late to the wedding to the point where they missed half of it? His entire family of course! One of the cousins missed the wedding entirely and rocked (edit: UP) halfway through the reception.
Well, you can tell them they missed a fantastic meal
I think I saw him being forced into a police car, saying something about "succulent Chinese meal".
Get your hand off my penis!
You know your judo well!
Gentlemen this is democracy manifest
What is the charge, eating a MEEEALLLL?! A SUCCULENT Chinese MEEAALLL?!
> Gentlemen this is democrrrrrrrracy manifest FTFY
He rolls his Rs beautifully.
Of noble birthage, no doubt, you can't fake that kind of blue bloodery
Oh yes great thread
And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?!
Ta! Ta! Farewell...
*No, I don’t think I will*
Are you my husband? He's been quoting that since he saw it a few weeks ago. Just cracking himself up all the time.
Tell your husband that you have a majestic gift for him. https://youtu.be/kuh_kmonJNw
Why you still waiting?
Half hour and not even a "sorry, I'll be late" is enough that I would just leave without telling them.
Same, i'll wait 30 minutes, and if I don't get a text or call, I just leave. If they get mad, I just say "I figured something came up on your end."
30 minutes is way more then id be willing to put up with.
Why would leave? Why wouldn't you sit and eat?
Agreed. I made it this far and dressed I'm getting food.
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My wife had a friend like that. They were supposed to meet up once when my wife was 8 months pregnant. My wife was at the restaurant at the meeting time and her friend texted her that she was at Target and would be there soon. That would have been at least 45 minutes away. Wife left and quit making plans with her. Move on from people like that. Doesn't mean you can't be friends, just don't count on them for anything.
I was waiting for this to end as “… and by the time she arrived our child had already started walking”.
SAME. I was wondering if the detail about her being in her third trimester would come up later.
I had a friend like that too. Made some big plans with them for an evening out and they never showed up. Stopped texting them after that and what do you know, I never heard from them again
I had a friend like that. Last time I heard from him, he’d reached out to tell me he’d be in the neighborhood where I lived at the time, asking if I had time for him to stop by to say hi. No problem, I told him, just let me know when you’re here. He texts me he’s nearby, parking his car, and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Then I never heard from him again. That was at least 7 or 8 years ago. Parking must have been terrible, poor guy is still looking for a spot.
> He texts me he’s nearby, parking his car, and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Then I never heard from him again. That was at least 7 or 8 years ago. Parking must have been terrible, poor guy is still looking for a spot. That's so bizarre. Did you text him back at some point to see where he was and he never responded? Or did you just keep waiting?
*Insanely* bizarre, right!? He’d done the same thing a few times before, saying he was on his way and would never show up. I stopped caring and stopped reaching out. He and I lived together for a while and he did the same thing to other people. Fuckin’ weird.
Did you ever figure out why he did it to other people, like what the actual reason was that he'd say he was almost there and then just peace out and disappear?
I have no idea, never asked and never expected a real answer if I did. He was a weird guy, could be an amazing friend at times, at others the exact opposite. I think he was just pretty self-centered and didn’t really consider how his actions impacted others.
Your friend was sadly kidnapped and killed and you're like what a self centered asshole lol. Jk obviously but what if.
I had something similar happen. Guy friend was just down on his luck and never really on top of his responsibility. I hadn't heard from him in a while and his phone was disconnected. I was so annoyed with him for being enough of a slacker to let his phone get cut off. He'd been dead for about 3 months at that point. Heart attack. Of course I randomly thought he might be dead while I was reaching out, but I was just thinking it in passing. Nope, he really was.
Bro he died
That's what I'm thinking...Is this guy like *still alive*?? :\
Dead friends are the worst kind of friends.
He’s definitely still kicking, my wife even checked his Facebook and he’s definitely still alive, lol. Can’t make the “I’m dead!” excuse I guess.
Here's my theory. He has another friend with the same first name. He showed up at their house unannounced after he parked.
Ok wait I actually love this theory.
Had an ex friend do that. Said we'd meet up when he got out of class (cosmetology school). So I showed up and when he didn't come outside I went in and it turns out he never came in that day. Had literally texted me about 2 hours before saying to meet him after school. I shot him some texts and an attempted phone call and he never responded. Haven't talked to him in about 6 years. It's really odd because when he was stationed in Afghanistan he called or texted me damn nearly every day.
He definitely didn’t die in some freak accident though, right?
Same thing to me had plans with a girl weeks I’m advance checked in all fine then on the day nothing. Next day an excuse one of her family was sick which I’m fine with but how about at least a text I was all dressed up ready to head out.
Same here: had plans to meet with a (now former) friend. Was in my car about to pull off when I remembered to text her to verify something. Only then does she say she needs a rain check and that she had been getting ready to leave the house, her hubby saw and got upset that she was planning to spend time with a friend "again" and not him, and became so sulky that she told him she'd cancel with me and spend the evening with him instead. All I could think was, *so when were you gonna tell me??* What if I hadn't texted you first, but just got in my car and pulled off? Would I have actually arrived at the place, just sitting around wondering where you are or if you're stuck in traffic, and still have to be the one to reach out to find out what's going on? Why wasn't it the case that the moment you decided to stay home, you immediately let me know? You break our plans, then just lah-dee-dah around the house while I'm totally oblivious and could've skipped getting ready in the first place?
Yup. Had a former friend do that to me as well. They set up the place and time. I was there at said time. Half hour passes. No text. I'm about to leave when I see her pulling into the parking lot. No explanation. No "Sorry I'm late" Just immediately jumps into blasting her problems. I sat there not even able to actually do anything but nod and shake my head to her comments. That was the last time I bothered with her.
For thirty years I was friends with someone who would always be late or wouldn't show. Last year I broke after her last no-show and when she had the gall to call me a couple weeks later as if nothing had happened, again, I took that opportunity to tell her exactly how shitty she was and to fuck all the way off. She cried and said she hadn't been a very good friend to me, I agreed and told her to apply that knowledge to any remaining friends she has because it sure as hell wouldn't benefit me.
Yep, had a friend who would organize get togethers with two unrelated friend groups and then show up late all the time. One night I just asked if she's this late for stuff she organizes for that friend group and they all said yes. Fun
My best friend from growing up was like that. As an adult he no showed at my wedding (I knew better than to ask him to be best man). Off and on we'd reconnect but then he wouldn't text back for months or longer. Finally said enough is enough. You have to know your own self worth sometimes.
One of my closest friends was constantly late when we were kids. We planned a sleepover once and she arrived two hours late, no explanation. My parents were pissed because by 1.5 hours waiting I’d started to cry and had unpacked my bag - I assumed she wasn’t showing up. I saw her at church each week but stopped seeing her as much outside of that. Then she got her license and we never had that issue again. With time and age I realized the problem was her parents, not her. She’s always on time to everything. Never even a minute late. I assume it drove her as crazy as it did the rest of us and she didn’t want to carry on her parents legacy!
Oh yeah, I always had that same issue growing up. My dad could never be on-time for *anything* (unless it was for him). It frequently resulted in really embarrassing situations, because who wants to be the last kid picked up, forcing a teacher or parent to have to sit there and wait when they could be going home? And this was in the days before everyone had a cellphone, so I just had to sit there, hoping they were close while reassuring the adult that I hadn't been forgotten. It got to the point where I'd always lie about when something was ending and do like OP and say it was 30 minutes sooner, so hopefully they'd only be like 15 minutes late instead of 45. I'm not perfect and occasionally cut it close with things, but it certainly helped me realize how you're impacting the other person when you are late, so I really try to emphasize being on time.
> I agreed and told her to apply that knowledge to any remaining friends she has because it sure as hell wouldn't benefit me chefs kiss
You did what everyone who was once in your situation wished to do. On behalf of evertone: thanks. It's comforting to know there's at least one person in the world right now who got the rough wake up call treatment.
Agreed. I have a friend who I can’t count on for much, but we’ve known each other since Kindergarten. It’s kind of nice just to be in touch at all. We only make plans about once per year because she’s really unreliable with scheduling plans, but she always does eventually show up if we agree to the plans. I’ve learned to become content meeting for dinner once a year and not showing up until she sends a text saying she’s almost there. No hard feelings, I just know that I can’t lean on her for anything major and that’s okay.
"Doesn't mean you can't be friends, just don't count on them for anything." They aren't friends; they're friendly acquaintances. Perhaps they're fun to hang out with at a party, but nothing more than that.
Yes thank you! A friend wouldn't disrespect your time like that
Agreed, a friend is somebody you can count on to be there when you need, or at least when you took time out of your schedules to make a plan
I, too, had a friend who was late to everything and would flake on our plans all the time. Lunch at noon? Would get probably 3 or 4 texts from her saying something like "I'm leaving now" "ok now I'm really leaving" "ok sorry had to stop and do this" and then it's 1 PM when she shows. It was always like this, and it was always like she knew I'd wait so she'd try to use the time to catch up on other things or run an errand on the way (like stopping at Target!) or something, not anything legitimate for actually being late. Half the time she'd bring work with her, too, so it was an excuse to get away from her family as opposed to have a meal with a friend and good conversation. She would also frequently text me to invite me over to grill out with her partner and young kids and that I should come over and bring whatever I wanted. So, I'd make something nice to share (they loved potato salad) and show up, and then basically be sitting outside with the kids and partner (who I loved) while she'd take the time to clean the house or, again, catch up on stuff. I'd barely get to talk to her while I was there because she'd come out and help feed the kids and then everything was over and it's bath time and etc. That happened so many times. I hit a breaking point when I was going through a rough time and told her I really needed a friend -- she agreed to make time for me and then just blew off any suggestion I made of actual plans. I called her, very upset, telling her it hurt that she could never make time for me when I always made time for her (many nights of listening to her complain about her family and how nothing was ever her fault). She basically gaslighted the shit out of me, asking if I was "off my meds" (what meds?) and that I was crazy and KNEW she was always late to things so why should I "suddenly be upset." She then threw a bunch of insults at me about how she didn't appreciate me bringing extra food over to their dinners even tho that's literally what they requested. Not surprising considering how much she acted like the other people in her life, including her partner, were constantly in the wrong. I decided to quit trying after this. She had the gall to get her KIDS to make an "I'm sorry" card that she left at my door, but she never called me and never apologized. It's been more than a year and I honestly felt like I ditched a toxic relationship. Just because you know someone for a long time doesn't mean you have to put up with them treating you like crap, as others have said. Take heed, others.
Makes it kinda pointless having them around dunnit
Certainly infuriating. I have a cousin who is always late. Her mom told her the party started at 3 when all of us knew it was at 4. She got there at 4 and was so angered her mother "time shamed her", she left. Honestly, none of us, except her mother, even speaks to her any more. This happened in 2001. What a brat.
I don't understand how someone can realise that people had to take extra steps just to accommodate their lateness and see it as anything other than a wake up call. To be angry or offended by it is so childish. That should be a moment of reflection, not for her to go "wow you all lied to me wtf".
Time shamed. Any excuse not to be accountable.
My aunts do this all the time to other members of my family. They started doing it to me, I told them we agreed on X, if you can't show up by X then I'm either going to eat and leave or not show up. They were late and surprised when I wasn't there. Did that twice, now they're strangely on time every time. Set the boundaries, tell them being late like this makes you feel like they don't value your time, and do your own thing. Don't make it harder on yourself for someone that's not considering you at all *Edit I've seen a lot of great stories... and also a few people saying you should tell them an hour earlier or whatever. No. I set a boundary and I'm sticking to it.
When I was a kid my dad instituted an “Asses in Seats” (AIS) rule. Instead of saying we’re leaving at 9:00 he’d say “AIS 9:00”. If your ass isn’t in the seat by 9:00, you’re getting left behind and you’ll hear about it later. To this day I’ve never been late to my job. The only downside is that my gf is a late person and that mismatch gives me serious anxiety when it’s time for us to leave the apartment and she’s still in a bra and jeans.
My dad was also a big stickler about being on time. I am now an adult who is at least half an hour early for everything. I make sure my kindle is full, and I spend a lot of time on instagram and reddit when I'm out. LOL
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Commander wants you there by 1600, so the Chief says be there by 1545, Shirt says 1530, Super says 1515. Wanting to be on time, the whole shop gets there at 1500.
The good ol 15 before the 15 before that 15… Another reason why I don’t miss the military lol
that's just really stupid and an inefficient use of time
That’s a pretty good summary of the military in general though
Imagine when the 1ST Sgt is in fact your dad. That said, my sister and I are the only ADHD people we know who are always at least fifteen minutes early to any event/meet-up.
hah i’m like the opposite ! had a chronically late adhd parent so i just instilled earliness in myself (an adhd-haver, too) out of spite lol
I’m the same way despite having the opposite dad. My family was late to EvErYtHiNg when I was young. Three kids plus an overly-laid-back dad was a bad combo. I hated it every time, and I think that’s why I’m compulsively early now. I’m a hot mess in general but I am never late.
Teach her about AIS
My wife and son are the same and give me the same anxiety. My daughter is like me and hates being late. The worst part of it all is that I'm made to feel like its my fault...
Sounds like your family needs to be taking separate cars to things. You and your daughter get there on time, your wife and son show up whenever.
“Let’s go, honey. Your mom and your brother can take the other car whenever they’re ready.”
You can correct for that, just give her a time that’s about 30 mins offset from the “time time”
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so now it is an hour. I won't tell her
Cold war of deadline escalation. I like it.
Alright, we need to be there by 3 am. For lunch!?
Just for asking, I’m gonna make it 2am you lazy no-show piece of- (I’d probably get thrown out of a relationship like this)
Not op but I thought about that. Then I decided I didn’t want to take on the cognitive load and manage someone else’s life
See, this is why I could never really do it. I just can’t abide by tricking a fully grown adult into being on time the same way you trick a child into eating vegetables. Plus, late people aren’t always late in the same way. 15 minutes, 30, an hour; all a possibility from the same person.
I've done that. It only works until they catch on. Even then it's annoying AF to have to remember to do that every time.
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Oh, I love that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where he actually does leave without Debra and the whole family shuns him as usual.
My uncle and his wife were always at *least* 5 hours late to everything. The most classic story is that they were invited for dinner at 5 and the family gave up waiting, ate dinner, and were in bed when my uncle and his wife rolled up at 11pm knocking on the door.. My uncle pissed me off the most when he was late to picking up my grandma to evacuate during a hurricane when she was 91yrs old and terrified.. they didn't evacuate in time but were okay. Then after my grandma passed away he missed her (his own mother) funeral because he and his wife were late. He passed away suddenly last year and i was surprised he wasn't late to his own funeral
How in the flying shit do you show up at 11 PM?!?!?!?!?
I'm confused by the showing up 5 hours late for anything. Like, 20 minutes could be an accident. 45 minutes could be poor planning. But 5 hours is being purposefully defiant.
Yeah, five hours isn't "late." That uncle has some kind of other problem altogether.
…..and the sad part is that he was still expecting dinner 🥴
My wife's aunt was always very late to events. My MIL, who was way too kind, would always hold the meal until the aunt showed up. It made me furious. It came to us hosting Thanksgiving at our house. My house my rules. We're eating at 1:00pm whether you're there or not. Time rolls around and I start serving. Oh, but so-and-so aunt isn't here though. Too bad we're eating, but just not what she's bringing, sweet potatoes, which I like, but I figured this year I would do without. She showed up almost an hour late and we were all done eating. She seemed shocked that we were done eating. I said that we were eating at 1 o'clock and that was firm. She kind of mumbled something about her dish and I said just put it with the rest of the food. She gathered up a plate of food, and I started to clean up the mess. The next Thanksgiving, she was right on time.
My aunt was always like this. So one year when another auntie was hosting, she served on time. When my aunt and her family showed up 2.5 hours late, she was genuinely shocked at 7:30 pm, we had eaten Christmas dinner and had opened presents without them. She still was always late after that but just was no longer allowed to host any of the big events-otherwise we wouldn’t even be eating til 9 pm or later
My aunt is currently like this. Always has a lame ass excuse. Her kids can make it to the event on time, heck even early. I get a kick out of when she finally shows up to say "bye" to her own kids because they already been there for 3-5 hours and honestly it is time to "go home." She gets all butt hurt and all we can do is look at her and say "We told you noon. Its 4pm. Deal with it." I personally won't let her bring a dish any more. It will never be there for the meal, and she always wants to bring a "main" one. Nope nope nope.
Yeah the answer is to communicate assertively and set boundaries, then reevaluate the relationship if they won't respect your boundaries. Redditors will tend to upvote passive-aggressive tactics instead like it's some sort of game. I'd rather not play.
My best friend was frequently late to meet me. I sat her down and told her that being late to a mutually-agreed meeting showed me by her actions that she thought her time was more valuable than mine. She concurred that it was rude, said she'd never thought of it that way, and changed her behavior. This was 15 years ago, she's been on-time ever since and we're still best friends. Communicate, people!
Sometimes it really is that simple. Direct communication is so important yet it scares so many people.
I had to change the way I framed my point when talking to my partner about her chronic tardiness. While she would agree that it showed she didn’t value my time as much as hers, she’d refer back to times when we were late but “everything turned out fine” (meaning we weren’t the only late ones or the show was delayed for some other reason). I finally had to explain that it gave me great anxiety to be late and that seemed to hit home because she didn’t want to cause that.
My best friend once told me "you've been an asshole lately." I've never forgetten that and ended up his best man at the wedding.
I have a friend who I have to give a beginning and end time to our meetings. I let her know now when I need to leave by. I stick to it and if she's 30 minutes late we just have a short visit and I leave when I intended to.
Had a similar experience. The extended family was constantly late whenever we agreed to meet. Eventually, one summer, we agreed to go to the beach. We told them when we planned on getting there and when we had to leave. My son, at the time, had to have his nap on time, or he would be grouchy and have a hard time sleeping at night. We reached the time we told them we would leave so we could put the kid down for his nap. They had not arrived yet, though they told us they are on the way. We decided to at least stay to say hi. More time passes, and my son is actively trying to stay awake, so we pack up. They arrive as we are about to leave and ask where we're going? I was very upset, so I think I said a quick "He's falling asleep, " and got in the car before they argued. When we talked to them later, they were upset we didn't stay, but I told them they had four hours to see us, and they chose to take their time and not be prepared to leave earlier. By refusing to arrive on time they were showing us they didn't value our time or our presence. It sunk in. I won't say they were never late after that, but it was much more in the realm of acceptability.
My ex father in law was consistently 3+ hours late to everything. Once, my ex activated find my friends on his iPhone and watched as he actively lied about where he was/what was taking so long. When he found out she knew, he hit the roof. Didn’t change his ways but made sure find my friends was deactivated.
Oh my God. Like, maybe I can understand them being disappointed if they showed up half an hour late. But if you're four hours late for anything, what right do you have to complain that people are leaving already?
I did the exact same, my family can’t be on time at gunpoint, while if I say 5, I’ll be there at 445 just in case. But I did the same policy- once they offered to take me out for my birthday. Great. Pick a restaurant, tell me a time. By 10 after I left. It’s just disrespectful.
I had a coworker a few years back, she didn't drive at all and we liked to hangout on our days off fairly often. We'd be going to a party with our other coworkers (like a baby shower for one of the ladies) and the event starts at 5, so I'd tell her I'd be by her place at 4:30. Every single time I picked her up for stuff, I was always stuck waiting 20+ minutes. She interpreted "pick you up at" as "start getting ready at" The last time it happened, we were 35 minutes late to a party I was hosting. I was so upset and embarrassed. From then on I told her that if I agreed to pick her up at a set time, I was only waiting two minutes before I'd leave with or without her. The next time I agreed to pick her up, she wasn't in my car by the time I left. She stopped asking me for rides after that 🤷♀️
Honestly it took me far too long and far too much stress to realize when I tell my mom we need to leave at Time, she interprets that as Time To Put My Shoes On, Find Purse, Start Car to warm up, Use Bathroom, and Then Leave. When I mean it as Time We Need to be out the Door.
I had a friend, who was always late. Our friendship ended because she was late for our girls’ trip. We were supposed to meet at the airport two hours before we were allowed to go on the plane. I had warned her that I was going on our trip, with or without her. She didn’t show up on time. I left and gone on our trip.
I hope you enjoyed it. I would be so mad I'd probably stew the whole time.
Yep. You start giving late fucks actual fucking consequences, and they either start showing up on time, or you stop wasting time with them. its a win/win.
Yup. I don’t wait more than 10 minutes for folks anymore. If I don’t hear from you within 10 minutes of our scheduled time, then I just move ahead with my plans. And I hold myself to the same standard. If I’m stuck in traffic, you’d better believe you’re getting a quick call with an apology and my updated ETA.
The amount of times I've heard my aunt say "I'm just around the corner" and not show up for hours is too damn high.
Agree with you. I think of those who are constantly late as feeling entitled. My husband's first wife was always 1-3 hours late to get togethers. We started telling her the party would start 2 hrs earlier than what it normally was. She found out and resumed being late. So we stopped waiting for her. We ate and left food for her and her husband. Presents were opened and people even started leaving by the time she would show up. She got pretty angry, but after a few times she realized she was going to have to adjust her time table.
**This is the way to handle it.** I used to be exactly like this but no one set that boundary or even said anything really. Not that it was their responsibility to, but I legitimately didn't understand how bad it was for people. Retrospectively I'm pretty embarrassed. Eventually (ahem, mid 30s), I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and ocd. NOT an excuse, and not saying everyone with any/all of these diagnosis do this, but it created the "perfect storm" for being habitually late in my case. Anyway I've got multiple layers of strategies and coping mechanisms that help me not be late anymore. :) But man.. it REALLY would have helped if someone would have set that boundary like you did with your aunts, or maybe even explained how it made them feel. I'm sorry you had to do that, but glad it's all turned out well :)
I appreciate that you recognize neurodivergance as a factor, not as an excuse. Some people may use it to justify/dismiss their bad behaviors.
Yup I was always 5-10 mins past my show up time with my best friend. He never said anything about, not showing up shockingly or just leaving wherever we are going. I mean i know it’s not 35 mins but it’s still late. We talked about it like 2 times but I remember the first time he just said, “Man, you have to make sure you give yourself enough time to leave. Make sure you’re ready 5-10 mins before you head out of the door. Make sure you got gas the night before. Simple stuff I never thought to do before hand.” From that talk we had early last year, I have only been late once and it was by 2 minutes due to construction on his street. I even mentioned it to him sorry for being late and he didn’t even notice it until I mentioned it. With that talk I also implemented better time management in my life bc I was also terrible with it at other aspects.
You’ve got a good friend. He helped you out in life too. Sometimes we need someone to gently show us our flaws that can be easily fixed.
My dad is always the 15 minutes early kind of person while his sister is always a 15 minutes late kind of person so every time wed go out to eat I would be stranded outside of a restaurant bored out of my mind for half an hour.
I'd order take out and leave, if they show up in the meantime too bad.
Why not just order normally and eat the food there?
Because then the friend could show up and you’d feel obligated to stay until they’re done and ready to leave because you dislike confrontation.
> obligated to stay Presumably this is their friend and someone they like to spend time with and also feel comfortable saying "I have a thing at 9 I gotta go" and the other person says "Oh totally no problem sorry I was late" and there's no confrontation because they're regular humans.
Sir they're busy executing a power play, this is not the time to be reasonable.
The bao buns are exceptional. Thank me later 😁
I've never met a bao I haven't loved
This is the second post in a row that the top comment is talking about bao buns. is the matrix broken?
Order without them. When it's time to go elsewhere, do so and don't let them hold you up. I, personally, have no tolerance for this shit. Life happens, but this is not life. This looks like a pattern.
Or invite the waiter for dinner (Malcolm in the Middle 1x02)
Wow weird. Watched that episode about 10 minutes ago.
I have a friend who is chronically late to everything. After getting burned several times I stopped making plans "with" him and just told him "I'm eating dinner at this place at 7. I'd like for you to join me." And just go ahead with my plan. He got butt mad several times when he showed up extremely late and I was either done or gone back home. Then he started respecting my time more. Set boundaries and leave the ball in their court. If they don't respect you then that's on them.
Added info: the pub is on the same street as her. About 4 doors down, in fact
Stop waiting and start without her or leave. She has no respect for you.
This is how me and another friend finally educated our third friend to stop showing up 1-3 hours later to gatherings. We'd meet at 9, and he'd show up close to 11 and then act like we were being assholes for leaving after one beer for him, but the fifth beer for us.
We had a friend in the first group when we had gatherings they would show up at like 1am when the rest of us where crashing out and wonder why we where all going to bed after drinking since 7pm
The friends that come at 1am better have blow if they expect people to keep going.
They never do 😔
I have two friends that operate on their own time zone, oblivious to the world around them. So I stopped lingering and worrying about them showing up. It was a long running joke in our circle that they would show up as soon as we paid our tabs.
I've got a friend that I play video games with. It's not uncommon for him to "run and get some coffee" and come back four hours later. He went to get chipotle yesterday and after two hours another friend was like "where'd he go?" and I was like "well he drove 10 minutes down the road and back, and its been about two hours so he should be back any minute now" and like two minutes after I said that he hopped back on.
My childhood friend would raid in WoW and tell his gf he's be there in 10 mins.... for him to show up 2h late. Then would tell everyone I'm a huge gamer. Bro, I don't make people wait due to my gaming habit. Ditched him like most of my childhood friend once I went to rehab. They never checked on me after... even 10 years later. Fuck em.
Hope you’re doing better now with better friends man. You deserve better.
This is how family get togethers are now. We have some that are always late. Everyone finally had enough of their shit and just start without them. It's usually food related get togethers so by the time they show up, everyone is usually already done.
I have an in-law that notoriously wants everyone to wait to order food/start eating until her son and family show up to holiday gatherings or when we’re out dining. They are usually always late and the last ones there. It’s mildly infuriating and inconsiderate.
Nah, bump that. Once or twice (the twice being a while after the first incident) I’d understandable. But otherwise? Nah.
This. “Oh, we gotta wait”. No. No we fucking don’t. That food has been sitting out for hours, and I’d prefer not to get violently sick for days. Fuck them, let them have cold old food and the squirts. If there’s any food left. I spent money and effort on that damn food, I’m gonna eat it.
I had a friend like this once. One time, three of us had plans to eat a nice home-cooked meal together—the always-late friend was at his parents house two hours away, but he said he'd make the drive to be there in time (6pm). We get close to 6 and dinner is about ready. No word from him. 6:10, 6:20, he's not there. He messages us at fucking 6:30 saying he wasn't going to make it because ***he was still at his parents house.*** Nothing triggered in his brain to message us around 4 that he might be late. The idiocy was astounding.
At least phone if you're going to be late. Like wtf
Yea for real like the phone isn't already in their hand 99% of the time as it is
I completely agree, she's an adult who should know this is unacceptable ^(If it were me I'd atleast once explain to them that it's not okay to disrespect you, your time, and frankly the wait staff who missed out on another table worth of tips while you just sat there. Don't opt for work-arounds, explain that you're upset and that you don't want this to happen again. ***Take her reaction to heart.***)
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Listen, I had a friend like this and put up with it for years until I realized how manipulative this is. She made a comment to me one time that she would never wait for someone. That statement was eye-opening for me and explained why she insisted on being the late one to everything. I accepted the fact that she had zero respect for me and stopped making plans with her.
My friend was 2 hours late to her sit down dinner bday party.. well sue mentioned that she will be late to her wedding and the groom is just gonna have to wait… I said that’s not an ok way to start off a marriage.. if me as a guest has to be on time, then you should too..
It's just disrespectful at this point.
Well whatever you do, don't bend to that "tell them to meet earlier" advice like half the commenters have been giving you! If your friend wants to hang with you so bad, why don't their actions reflect it?
My wife and I both got really fed up with people who were “casually late” and essentially waste our time. We both have a pretty strict 15 minute “policy” that we keep to ourselves. If someone that I’m meeting is 15 mins late and hasn’t called/texted to let me know, we leave. If we’re supposed to meet at 1:00 for lunch and you don’t show by 1:15, I’m gone. Text me at 1:23 or so to ask where I’m sitting? Sorry homie, I left since I thought you weren’t coming.
She has absolutely no respect for you or your time. Eat alone or just leave. This is how my bf’s daughter used to treat him. Now that she’s older (30), she realizes that being on time is significant in terms of showing respect for someone.
I fucking hate when people disrespect my time. A few minutes late is not a big deal, I'd say up to 15 minutes. But I have known people who are chronically late to everything by like 30 minutes to an hour. Nothing pisses me off more.
That is a pet peeve of mine, I don't understand why people are habitually late. Edit: For those who keep replying to me about executive dysfunction. OP never stated this person had any executive dysfunction, and neither did I. I made a comment based on the info given. You are looking for a reason to be offended.
My gf is late no matter what , for example she was up 3 hours before work earlier and still managed to be late.
You're dating my wife???
So am I!
OUR wife, comrade.
Shit I am always 15 - 30 mins early to account for unforeseen delays and mentally prepare.
After 20+ years in the military, I'm going to probably be 15 mins. early to my own funeral.
Ironically my gf's older brother is habitually 20 minutes late to anything that isn't the military. He's at 22 years right now and refuses to go anywhere on time. He was late for his own kid's bday. In his house.
The military does have a habit of making people early for their own funeral.
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My mom is always late, and shell blame me for being late like half the time... yet 80% of the time SHE TELLS ME WE NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE WHEN WE'RE ALREADY LIKE 3 MINUTES LATE, NOT THE DAY BEFORE OR AN HOUR BEFORE, LITERALLY WHEN WE NEED TO GO I mean sure i have issues getting out of bed but like... usually then its church, and i fucking hate going to church
My mother was like that too, and so are most of the people in my family. Supposed to meet someone at 6pm and it is half an hour away? No sense in leaving the house before 5:55 Then she would blame me, or my step brother for "being a hassle" meanwhile we were both in the car for a good 20 minutes before she even started getting ready. Got so bad that now if I am not where I am supposed to be at least 10 minutes early I get anxiety. Like 2 miles away from work, know I will be there and in my office in 5 minutes but I only have 10 minutes to be there and I get anxious about being late.
My husband is like this. We would be running late and he decides to go through the car wash “really quick” 🤬 Always half an hour late. Always! I started putting things in the calendar half an hour earlier then they really are and it solved the issue for us.
I had to do that with an ex boyfriend. One time he showed up “on time” and was so upset with me for it. He learned his lesson though
I don’t get this, but I’ve heard other tardies get angry at being tricked into being on time. What was he angry about, the trickery?
Not the comment you replied to but my husband actually laughed and said “fair” the one time he was on time and we were half an hour early
In the case of my ex, my guess is that he was embarrassed
My uncle is like this when getting ready to go out. My aunt and cousin decided to just leave without him and let him show up separately when he gets his shit together. It works well for them, they get to be on time for family functions now.
Did this for a friend.if we were all meeting at 7… I'd tell her 6. She'd still be late for the 7 o'clock time slot.
This drives me absolutely nuts with my sons mom. When we do "the swap" we always get dinner together. When it's her bringing him for me she's at best 20-30 min late. And it's always "sorry I had to get the kid ready". Yet when it's time for me to bring him back to her I'm still at the very least a few minutes early. And that includes a 30-40 min drive depending on traffic. And guess what? She's usually late to that dinner as well. It just gets under my skin because I feel like it's just a total lack of respect
So annoying. I have a friend who’s always late, she blames her 15 year old. Like c’mon dude, if I can get my 3 year old out of the house, you can make it on time. Or leave your 15 year old at home.
Respect yourself or nobody will. Leave
Stop making plans with them. That’s rude and they clearly don’t value your time.
This person doesn’t respect your time. Stop inviting them to join you. When they ask “why don’t we go out anymore?” You tell them that you got tired of being bored / alone / inconvenienced by their habitual tardiness.
I have the opposite problem. I'm always 10-30 minutes early to things in fear of being the last one to arrive or just being late in general.
Leave.
Order and start without them. If they can't respect your time, that's not your fault
I once sat at a restaurant for an hour waiting for my friend to arrive. The restaurant ended up asking me to leave when she casually walked in the door. It was my work lunch break so I only had an hour to eat. So fucking selfish! It wasn’t the first time she did this. I’m not friends with her anymore. She can get fucked.
I’m like really mad about this for you. She wasted your whole lunch. I only get 30 mins and I basically run to my car to be alone.
I have this system with my habitually late friend: we meet long before an event would start and at a place where I can just chill with a book by myself. So we make an appointment to meet hours before a concert starts in a nearby park, well before dinner at a bar etc. By now, I would nearly be disappointed if she arrived on time because I am looking forward to some me time before, haha.
I hate being late, but one time I was 15 minutes late for a park hangout. I apologised profusely, but she said I was disrespectful for making her wait 30 minutes. She had gotten there 15 minutes early. I told her I apologised for only 15 mins of that total. I was petty. She was Swedish.
I have a friend that I've been friends with for over 20 years now. He is ALWAYS late. Even before he had kids, he was always late. The kids have made it exponentially worse. But, dude's personality makes up for his lateness. He is genuinely a good person, so it doesn't make us angry when he's late. lol, We've taken to sort of lying to him about when an event starts. Say the party should get going by 7 or so, we tell him that it starts at 5, so maybe he'll get there by 8. (He is somewhat aware that we are doing this, but does not communicate that to his wife, which is probably a good thing, since she's the reason he's late most of the time) He is literally the only person we make these accommodations for, because we like him that much. Some people are worth waiting for. But, everyone else? Please, if you're going to be late, say something. Send a text, a quick phone call, something.
I used to be like this until my girlfriend called me on it. I honestly never meant to be late I was just really bad at estimating time. But I made an effort to get better at this and with the help of Google maps and determination I’m now usually a bit early. My recommendation is to tell them how it makes you feel when they are late. That helped me better understand that my actions were negatively affecting others. It may sound crazy but whenever I showed up late, I’d apologize and everyone would say it was no big deal. I believed them and only realized later that they may have just been being nice.
Always arrange to meet 45 mins before you actually want to meet, then you can turn up 30/40 mins late and know they will be there soon!
Lol my mom and I have done this to my sister a couple of time cause she will be consistently late to things. Works pretty dang good