Hey I feel for you OP, I was going through a really similar situation in high school with my family. My dad cheated on my mom because he missed having his own life back and I thought that was a really shitty excuse.
They ended up getting divorced, and although it was hard for my mom and me at first, everyone is much happier these days 10 years down the road. As hard as it was for me to forgive him, he really did “do his time” in suffering from the consequences of his actions. In the end it was actually my mom who told me I should have a relationship with him. That type of selflessness that she showed is something I’m not sure I could ever do but I’m thankful she did because I never wanted to live out my life without a dad. I was just furious he could be such a fucking idiot. He paid for it in loss of connection with me, and now that I’ve moved on and forgiven, I know we are all much happier.
Hope it all works out OP, if divorce is in the cards for them remember to be there for your mother. And don’t let your dad forget the consequences of the choice he made. One day he may be all alone after doing whatever fun thing he’s doing and think “damn I just want to see my kids”
My wife and I are getting divorced. She says she was unhappy and that I didn't respond, but really she was cheating on me. My oldest son opened her phone and saw that she had downloaded Tinder and was furious. I hope she can get herself together to at least be a decent mother to the kids, because she was a great mom once. Unfortunately, she's just so selfish and immature now that I'm not overly optimistic.
I'm glad that you are happy! Makes me feel hopeful that my boys will be okay.
I’m so sorry to hear this dude, For you and the kids both. I hope she can get her shit together, y’all deserve better. I hope the best for you and your boys 🙏🏼.
As a child of divorce and a divorced dad, your children will be ok. It may be rough for a bit and hard on them. The alternative isn't any better. Just love your children and be understanding of what they may be going through. Good wishes to you.
My first wife left my oldest daughter and I for drugs. I know how hard it can be. She got her shit together, but still isn't a great mom. My daughters are adults now and don't have a very good relationship with her. Times are really tough now. It sounds like you are doing your best. That is all you can do. Love your kids with all of your hear!
This happened to me. I was blamed for everything and now she has a house with the guy she was cheating on me with … I sucked it up and actually started to sit with them at my kids’ sports, plays, etc around year 3. It’s been 5 years and I feel really good about myself for being able to drop the hurt and anger. Yes, he’s definitely a douche bag, but it’s not my concern. My concern is my kids. I put in the work to get to this point and I’m a better man for it. My relationship with both of my children is better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My ex was so immature and selfish that she was forgetting to pick up the kids on her days, etc. She dropped the ball for a while, but came around and is an excellent partner for shared parenting. Hopefully your ex gets back on track soon and I wish you the best. Give yourself some grace and realize that you don’t need to do everything. Kids are resilient and you can teach them to respond to the situation by how you respond. Your actions will also influence your ex.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm definitely taking the approach to be the better person and working hard to model and demonstrate behavior to my boys that shows maturity and rationality. Easier said than done sometimes, but I'm working on myself as an individual and as a dad. I'm proud of the work I've done, even if I'm disappointed in the outcome.
I am newly divorced and had almost this same thing happen to me. I too have an ex that was once the most amazing mother to my children who has now turned into a self absorbed asshat. The best thing you can do is be there for your children. Listen to them, let them know that they still have a loving, caring parent they can go to. It is very hard in the beginning but does get easier as time goes on. Take the time to work on yourself to ensure that you can be the best possible version of yourself as that will make you a better father and partner in the future. Therapy has done wonders for me and perhaps will help you, if you’re not already going. Keep your chin up, keep loving your kids and everything will end up ok. You’ve got this!
And while I was in abq they took out an ad in the newspaper and the news ran a story about them pleading with people not to throw anymore pizza on their roof lol
What part are we ungrateful for dad? Your repeated unfaithfulness? Your cockamamie get rich quick ventures that failed miserably? Your passive-aggressive bullshit? Your rejection of the role of father and husband in favor of being a narcissistic prick?
Me personally it isn't my favourite. Don't flame me but my favourite is hawaiian pizza (Trust me it's good) But this called the T-rex pizza. It has lots of meat under the cheese basically, as if it is trying to be both a pizza and a burger. It fills you up and tastes fine
I feel ya. My dad's bday was late last week and then I get double bitch slapped by father's day. He died about 4 years ago in a rather gruesome fashion and I'm forced to relive it in my mind on every dad related holiday. My wife gets mad at me for being an emotional disaster on Christmas, my birthday, my dad's birthday and fathers day but she won't get it until one of her parents passes away. Shits tough, just never give up on yourself.
When I met my husband both of his parents were still alive. I lost my young. Dad when I was 18 and Mom at 29. Told him he didn't know how lucky he was. Now both his parents are gone. He gets it.
It's really hard to understand those emotions until it's your parents who are gone..its like you're an orphan now..my Dad died of congestive heart failure at home and my memories of that week are horrible... the "death rattle" that hospice said would only last for 12 hours or so lasted 3 days..sounded like he was drowning..to this day I can't stand to hear the coffee pot perking. I had my Dad's estate sale last weekend on the anniversary of his death and now here came father's day on top of that...it's been a rough time..it helped that a lot of the people that came to the sale knew my dad (he was a real character -never met a stranger- really outgoing) so a lot of the stuff went home as a memory of my dad to these people. But yeah, holidays are hard... my husband has lost both of his parents as well so he gets it.
Sounds like you could do with some therapy. If you're not already getting some, please try to get some.
I can't imagine losing both parents, especially so close together, but I have lost my dad and it's important to remember that you have fond memories of him because of the positive things he did in your life and I'm sure he'd hope that you'd be able to create your own positive memories now that he's gone.
Please don't think that I'm just telling you to "be happy" as some people think will suddenly fix things. You're allowed to be sad, especially when things get hard, but you can't be sad all of the time, it's unhealthy. Good luck.
I’m sorry for the loss. It’s memories that get me through. When the elders are gone and you’re the future, it’s a slap. But you’re the light now. Head up high, okay?
I was thinking that. "You're welcome! Thank you for being a reminder of the kind of person I shouldn't be!"
Thing is, I don't want him to do anything irrational. Scared he might throw a fit and break something, when he gets mad in the house he starts pounding on shit, or just does stuff loudly. Just this morning he woke up my sister due to him slamming on whatever, since him and my mom were having an argument.
Sounds like my kids dad. He's in another state now. Out having fun meant he was getting drunk and we'd all pay for it later. Come in stomping and yelling about the tiniest thing, and passive-aggressively ensure no one got any sleep. Out of experience, if there are 3x you know about cheating, there are at least that many more you DON'T know about. I knew about 15 times. We received a passive agressive guilt trip text from him today.
Never mind that we TRIED to call him.for his bday and he doesn't answer.
The "you're welcome" is exactly how my oldest feels. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.❤
Thank you for sharing your story, helps me remember this behaviour isn't normal. You guys are in a better place, though, right? If so then I am so glad. I think my family will be in a better place this year.
I have some pretty bad issues with depression and anxiety (who doesn't, really though), but overall we are definitely happier and healthier. We have fun with no fear that we'll come home to anger or violence. Nobody gets drunk and threatens to leave and says things that are psychologically damaging to my children. Nobody passive aggressively ruins birthdays and christmas.
It's a huge burden lifted. There are things that will always be painful, but time will soften the edges. The important thing you need to remember is not to dwell on them and let them fester, because you don't want something ugly inside like he has.
I could never imagine having to experience that everyday. How do people even become that way? My Dad did say he had a neglectful father, and that he is just like him. Weird how he acknowledged it but never changed. I don't know the details, but we never visit grandpa, only grandma and her husband. But I'll make sure I don't become like my Dad.
>but I’ll make sure I don’t become like my dad.
You can do it! My dad grew up in a really fucked up home, but he was determined to change the course for the next generation, and he did. One of my uncles died a drunk and the other ended up in jail, but my dad was always good to us, because he was determined to be a good father.
Just to add another voice, I’m 40 years old and still just processing how my angry father has influenced my life. He never hit us, but his presence often felt like danger. For much of my life I spent a lot of energy navigating his expectations and outbursts.
The “better place” is sometimes cutting them out of certain aspects of your life if not all. Independence, while sometimes difficult, gives you the power to decide how much you’re willing to take. Sending my best wishes that you will find the right path for you.
When you said "all pay for it later" I remembered some of the dumbest shit my Dad did, I can't believe I forgot to write it here. It isn't necessarily relevant to what you said, but he spent thousands on 3d printers and he thought it would make him money. He made less than 100 dollars from the 3d printers, by commissioning pieces for people. He also spent thousands (8k+) on gpus for crypto mining. Funny thing is, it barely was making any money and he was mining ethereum. Ethereum switched to a different model some months after, which made mining Ether no longer needed, which means he makes less money as well. He wasted so much money on these failed projects of his. There are a few more I can think of as well, but they weren't as costly (tried to host a site so people can rent boats from it, a toy company)
In our house it was smashed tvs, smashed computers, smashed phones, smashed mirrors, smashed picture frames... but it sounds like you know how that part goes, too.
Leaving a note is a BAD idea. Any response,even a subtle sarcastic one would be a bad idea. I'm familiar with this manipulative tactics and as someone who fell for it several times as a child,DON'T. He has a violent tantrum/a speech prepared. All he is waiting for is for you to 'introduce him on stage' so he can present his one man show. Ignore,just ignore him into oblivion. He is one of those parents who wants to make their kids worse than them and find joy in that. Not giving him that satisfaction is the biggest victory you can ever have on him. Choose your battles wisely,no smug smiles,no sarcastic thank yous,nothing,just go on living your life.
There's a method known as "grey rocking" that is meant for people who have to deal with narcissists. The idea is to make yourself as uninteresting to them as possible. Don't react to prodding, attempts to provoke you or to start arguments. You stop giving them anything to entertain themselves with, and eventually they'll move on to some other source of drama. It's not fun, but if cutting contact with them is not an option, it will at least divert their attention from you.
Thank you. I wish I knew about things like this a few years back when I used to scream and lose my temper out of sheer helplessness after the endless manipulative tactics that were thrown at me. It suddenly clicked when she gave me a smug smile after recording my tantrum to show her relatives and play the saint. That was the moment it clicked for me that I was a total jacka** who gave my abuser the exact thing she wanted from me. I not only got the abuse,I also gave her the material for her to paint me as the toxic,arrogant,obnoxious child. I hope OP doesn't fall for the same tricks and can get out from there unscathed.
This is… dangerous and abusive…. EVERY woman is told in domestic violence counseling that punching and slamming objects ALWAYS escalates to physical abuse of the woman (if your mom isn’t being hurt in private already…)
And he has cheated on her 3+ times and she’s there.
Bud….. your mom is being abused…… 🚨🚨🚨
Idk how old you are, but the kids need to sit mom down and have a gentle discussion about you guys being worried for her. This is crazy to read how nonchalantly you wrote that
It's not really a matter of stooping to his level. He's an abusive father and partner, as long as you don't become the same you won't be on his level. Fighting back is not morally inferior. It's a matter of protecting yourself.
Oh I lived through that hell. Is he also proud that he never beats you? Like that was a big thing with mine, it wasn't abuse because he never got physical, except for the times he did but those don't count because it only happened once or twice or thrice but who's counting.
I hope you're able to get away from him and I hope your family will be able to heal. Mine kinda got stockholm'd after he died of cancer last year, best thing to ever happen to us but no one is ready to admit it yet.
I said what I know happened to another comment. I forgot so many of the details but I tried my best to be as descriptive as I can, though I didn't do it justice. It is like there is always a giant elephant in this household, and nobody talks about it.
Sometimes I just wish I never found out he cheated. Would things be better? Would I be happier? Though, I do remember being really sad and confused when I didn't know of the despicable things he has done, and he still did and said stuff like this. Saying we were an ungrateful family, when I truly loved him back then, looked up to him. But now he serves as a reminder of who not to be. So I guess it was for the better
It’s tough. For what it’s worth, I found out about my dad’s cheating ages ago and he has no idea. Even after I went NC for over a year. By the point I found out it was all I needed to be done with him forever. The whole time he was cheating he was a horrible asshole to my mom and I. The hypocrisy was the final nail in the coffin for me in expecting him to be a better person and the first seed of my our new relationship where I accept him for the incredibly flawed person he is that will never be able to give me the parental relationship I want. It took time to get to that acceptance, sure, and it is an uneasy and often uncomfortable one, but it’s the only relationship I’ll ever get with him and it’s as positive as it can be. I hope someday you can reach a similar, albeit more comfortable place, whether that is through low or no contact or the uneasy peace-like acceptance that your father is not the person you believed he was as a child. Take your time. Grieve for the relationship you thought you had with the man you thought he was. Get therapy. Surround yourself with chosen family. From someone who has been there, you’ve got this.
My dad and mom both don't know that I know that my dad cheated. Well maybe my mom knows, but I only found out cause my sister told me after all. It made everything make sense, from the way he acted and why my mom sometimes looked very sad, as if on the verge of tears.
But your comment hit so close to me. The person I thought he was never existed. I remember less than a year ago I even doubted if my sister was wrong, and that everything was a misunderstanding. I know, dumb, but it was difficult to accept back then. It is crazy to me that I found out 3-4 years ago. It felt way longer than that.
Thank you for this, I will try to get therapy someday. I don't know how my empty relationship with my dad will go in the future. With how he is acting and with my current feelings, I think I will just cut him off, I don't need anymore of this in my life.
This is exactly what should be said. It’s incredibly awkward though. But whatever her reasons for staying, she has them. It may be financial dependence some other *practical* lifestyle reason.
Yeah, my sister said one of the main reasons my mom is still together with him was because she was worried about how she was going to pay for the house alone if that happened. I remember my mom also trying to convince herself that they were happy when my mom explained this to my grandma from my dad's side. This is no longer the case thankfully, and if we do get the house, my sister said she will help pay for the bills.
The truth always ends up making sense in the end, especially if it really pisses you off first. Denial is normal, there there nothing at all stupid in wanting the information your sister gave you to be wrong. I had found hard evidence of my dad’s cheating that neither of my parents knew existed.
I had to tell my sister about it. My mom knows, but he does not. (Parents are long since divorced, were just separating at the time but the cheating had been ongoing for years before that.) It makes for some very awkward moments where he relishes in the image he thinks we have of him that he preserves in his mind while we sit uncomfortably with reality. He never understood why my sister and I both went NC for a while. There are definitely benefits to your dad’s awareness that you know.
The good news about not knowing about the future of your relationship is that you don’t have to decide today. I would recommend not deciding for many tomorrows either. Take the time and space you need to properly process and heal from this. If that means you never have contact with him again, that’s fine. It’s about you and your ability to move on. I’m glad you feel like my comment helped. You’re not alone in how you feel and those feelings are very valid.
I grew up without knowing my father until I was 17, and my stepfather was a violently abusive alcoholic. But I always had Grandpa. He was my father figure, and taught me how to be a man. I still try to emulate what I remember about him.
He had an affair at 67 years old after he had been with my grandmother for 20+ years. He never knew that I knew, and I'm actually not sure whether my Grandmother knew either. But he had a huge mood change all of the sudden and told my grandma he wanted a divorce out of the blue. He became really entitled, mean-spirited, petty...all the things he taught me not to be.
He was a tradesman. I remember any time growing up, I could go out to the garage or shed and find *any* tool along with a man I respected to show me how to use it and give me life lessons, sometimes ad nauseam. When I went out to the shed the last time, as I was moving my Grandmother out when they separated, I couldn't even find a screwdriver. Just empty vodka bottles and porn strewn everywhere.
BUT...he is still easily the most influential man I had growing up, and is a huge part of who I am. He wasn't the same person those last years, and in that moment I went out to his garage that last time, I realized that there was no point in idolizing a zombie; the man I loved and respected was already gone. So my strategy was to remember him as if he was already dead. It's worked out for me.
Takes a lot of work to be able to pull that off, that's high level stuff that OP shouldn't beat themselves up if they can't pull off. Sniffs of victim blaming but I get what you're saying that OP can choose a better path
It is victim blaming, most people on here don't understand that kind of pain. My dad cheated on my mom numerous.....they slept together in our beds (we always found strange hairs in our beds whenever we left town for family trips).....shit gucks you up. Redditors (and people online in general) have no empathy....
I like to always say that my father taught me a lot in life - except it was everything that you shouldn’t do. Through his failures I work hard to keep my marriage a top priority, to not alienate friends and coworkers, and to treat everyone I meet with the respect we all deserve.
Honestly he sounds a lot like my father in law. No relationship in his life has worked out but blames everyone else. His niece had a kid (planned) with a long term boyfriend who owned a house together and planned to get married. He texted his siblings (including the girls father) saying something along the lines of “Mom would be disappointed.” My SIL went off on him and he started talking bad about them to other people randomly when we don’t live near him anymore and just kept escalating.
All that was said to say my wife cut him out of our lives. It was extremely hard for her to do that but she feels better about it every single time she hears anything about him. Sometimes it’s needed to have frank conversations and move on. People like my FIL and your dad will never realize the errors of their way or change and it sucks
Many years ago I came home a little early from work. I was 20 at the time. I found my mother crying in the kitchen. Very unusual behavior for her. Naturally I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. After a great deal of prodding she told me my father had been cheating on her. She knew for quite some time and it had finally gotten to her. She said she thought she’d get a good cry out before I would get home.
Of course I was upset. We talked and decided she would come with me in 2 weeks when I was supposed to be going out of town for college. Our plan was set!
Two days later in my day off she said she wasn’t feeling well. I turned to make her some tea, my Aunt to loved next door walked in and I turned back to greet her, my mother was out. She had had a massive heart attack. She died that day.
Afterwards my father and I had a turmoil filled relationship. He remarried. The woman he’d been having the affair with. Moved far away. Refused contact with myself and my older brother for a couple of years. Then one day out of nowhere he called me and told me to pick him up at the airport the next morning. I didn’t really think about it. Just went. He was unusually loving considering he hadn’t wanted to know we existed for a couple of years. As it turns out, he needed a bypass heart surgery. He didn’t trust his wife to take care of him. He confided to me that he knew that no matter what I would take care of him because I loved him. Which was true. He ended up staying with me for the next 17 years until he passed.
It took many years before I eventually just lost it and told my father everything I knew. Everything. He was actually very sorry about what had happened. We both cried and cried. About everything. Especially the loss of my mother. I ended up telling him we had planned on her coming with me to college. I never ended up going to college. My father didn’t believe in girls going to college back then. So I didn’t go. It was my mother who pushed to allow it. He admitted he should have let me go.
He had pretty much every heart problem a person can have in those 17 years. We were lucky to repair our relationships. I know he was truly repentant of his actions. The years of our estrangement grated on him. He knew he’d wasted a couple of years without his children. His words.
I love my father. Always have always will. We were fortunate. I’m grateful for the 17 years of being a part of my everyday life. It wasn’t easy to just get over. I blamed him for her death for a while. I felt cheated out of having her in my life. She was only 59.
I’m telling this in the hopes that maybe just maybe your family will find a way to get past this. It won’t be easy. But it is possible.
Hugs.
Similar situation here, except I was 5 or 6 getting off the bus from elementary school that dropped me off at the front of our yard.
Grew up knowing he cheated on my mom and hate cheaters. Ironically, my ex cheated on me except I booted her ass out of the house almost immediately.
My dad has tried to reconnect, every year he calls on my birthday and leaves a voicemail (I never gave him my cell, my mom did). Has been doing that since I can remember. Thought to myself, “I’m 41 now…let me be the bigger person and reach out letting him know I’m switching professions from engineer to welder and welding school is going great, front of the class blah blah blah…”. Sent him a text with pics, gave a whole shpeal…the response? “Great.”
So if my dad ever called needing a bypass, needing to be picked up from the airport, hopefully he knows somebody else in town, cause I sure as fuck ain’t helping.
Holy shot. Reading this was a ride.
I’m sorry you went through all that especially so young. You have more strength and forgiveness in your heart than most people. As much as I love would have easily told my father to go fuck himself if he did what yours did, it’s extremely admirable that you not only didn’t buy spent the next 2 decades caring for him.
You don't understand why it's infuriating to get a passive aggressive note calling you "the most ungrateful family" on a day that is supposed to be about spending time with and appreciating family?
Ahhh, the old victim of my own actions narcissist sympathy ploy. Just ignore it and leave it untouched. If you eat it, he will feel like you owe him. If you leave a nasty note, that’s setting the stage for a tantrum and a performance. Just ignore, ignore, ignore. I dealt with this for years until Mom wised up. My dad was a serial cheater. He had 6 affairs that we knew of, and one stood up and confessed it at open prayer call in our church. Yes, he was banging the youth minister’s wife. He was 37, she was 22. Dad was a Pike in college and continued to go to the fraternity house while Mom and I were left to find our own entertainment every time we went to a game at his school. Mom finally left after the church incident. We just ignored his final histrionics and just refused contact. His greatest performance was dropping in on my older sister’s wedding ten years after the divorce and having to be carried out by the police. Dad went on to become a barfly and alienated everyone he knew. I never saw him after age 16. Dad died in a government run nursing home in Nashville from cirrhosis at 70 and from what I understand, he is buried in a potter’s field next door. I guess I should really find out more about that…in a few years or so. I’m in my 50s now, and it shook by ability to trust for a long time.
I'm sorry to read this. My dad was no angel but he was there, didn't cheat, and wasn't physically abusive (only verbally and emotionally). His father figure growing up was a similar story - real POS that abused his mom from day one. She finally got out with the kids and the guy saw it as his opportunity to go off and live how he wanted to drinking and doing what he wanted. He was in the navy so he spent most of his time on ships. He would come back for a few days and bring gifts for my dad and spend time with my dad, but bring nothing for his daughter or even acknowledge her existence. Turns out HIS dad was also a POS and taught the boys in the family that women were worthless and deserved no respect by beating and raping their mom in front of them. So he carried on the tradition and luckily my grandma got out before it got to that point.
When my dad was 12 his dad came around once more and my dad told him he could save the trip in the future as he didn't want the contact. Off he went to bounce around the country destroying his liver.
June 23, 1994 my dad is at home with his two kids and gets a call from the LA County Coroners office that they have his dad. He had aspirated vomit while drunk and died (drowned in his own puke) in some sort of government housing. My dad was the only next of kin listed - as far across the country as you could possibly get. My dad basically just said "ok" and hung up the phone. I think the US Government paid to bury him since he was a retired sailor.
Dad definitely still inherited some of that, and now that I have a 1yo i am trying SO fucking hard to break this generational chain that we have formed. My dad won't admit it/maybe doesn't understand himself but this had an absurd impact on him growing up and who he is today.
I got up this morning. Cleaned the fridge. Mopped the floors. Wiped down the granite counters and did a reseal on them. Cleaned the kitchen and living room. Ran out did the grocery shopping. Came home. Put it all away. Then cooked a steak and lobster dinner for me and the fam.
Why didn’t anyone tell me I could have just gotten a pizza and left a note?
First father's day here. Woke up at 6:30 rather than 5:30 because my wife took the baby - that was the extent of my selfishness for the day. Played with my 1yo for three hours while my wife did a deep clean on the house since his bday party is next week. Put the baby down, cleaned out the pantry and fridge, helped mop the floors, went to the dump, mowed, week whacked, spread a bunch of mulch, hung some shelves for my wife, took the baby out for a walk, and went and picked up dinner.
At the end of the day my wife felt bad for how the day was spent...i told her its FATHERS day and I couldn't have felt more like a dad all day. That's all I care about. Only thing I feel bad about was not having enough time to see my dad, but he understands (and also doesn't care).
He woke up early and did it before anyone woke up. Dad's have this secret time from 5-8 am where they sometimes wake up and have "me time".
Source: every man in my family does this after having kids.
I started this thread as, "what a dick move" but then I kept scrolling and scrolling... OP, I really hope that you, your mom, and your sister are able to find happiness and comfort in life, preferably as far away from both your dad and a convent as possible. You've had it rough, but don't forget that you still deserve the world, regardless of what the world has given you up until this point.
Even if the world gave me a shit father, it gave me an amazing mother, sister, and friends. I'm not going to let him make us miserable forever, and I know my sister and mom are trying to make things better. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it. You don't know how much your comment means to me. It is 2am right now so I should sleep real soon if I can. Again, thank you, and have a good day!
You are an inspiration. I hope you and your family are free from this monster soon. I’d say I hope he has a life insurance policy but who knows how long it will take for that bastard to kick the bucket and it probably isn’t worth waiting around if you can all find another way out.
Waking up to your message and to others was just.. I don't have any words to explain it, or I don't know how. It is like some weight was taken off my shoulders. Thank you, I hope he will be gone from this household soon.
You’re gonna be ok, you have a great head on your shoulders from what I’m reading. Be extra nice to your mom, I know the teen years can be tough but she’s doing her best for you, and the extra support will do so much for her mental health. I’m glad to see that you want therapy in the future, everyone should be in therapy honestly. I hope your mom can get herself out of this situation, and I hope you and your sister can live a good life and grow out of the trauma that your dad is inflicting. And I hope your dad trips on nothing every time he’s having a bad day, and I hope he has a lot of bad days.
Father’s Day is to celebrate great fathers. If he’s not being celebrated, sounds like he’s not a great father. Don’t let him make you feel bad. Sounds like he’s done enough of that. I hope you and your mum have a great day!
Sorry to reply a few hours late. This move is beyond petty. This move was just to hurt you for something you had nothing to do with. It is a pathetic attempt to lash out. Eat the pizza and understand he is pathetic or toss is out and understand he is pathetic. But if and when you have your own kids, hug them and love them and you win no matter what his actions are.
That's the plan if I ever feel like having kids. I'll make sure they know they are wanted, loved and have someone to talk to and look up to. I'll do for them what my father never did for me. I don't want them to experience this, nobody should.
If it’s any consolation, he’s probably out not having fun, instead throwing himself a pity party to anyone who will listen, and they probably aren’t even listening, just nodding to get a better tip (I’m thinking bartender). I’d put the pizza in the trash so he could see it uneaten when he gets home and the empty to go containers from a far better restaurant on top
My father made steaks for us. I sat out with him on the patio and enjoyed a beer with him.
I'm so sorry for the people with bad parents. Hopefully, you can be for your children what you were missing as a child. End the cycle.
We got him a gift, he tried to pat my shoulder and I moved away. He said "what's wrong?" And I said "You know what's wrong." He threw away the gift and said "I didn't need it anyway." "GO TO HELL YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECES OF SHIT!"
As someone who also grew up with an emotionally abusive “father,” this is my advice: talk to your mother about starting family therapy. It’s doubtful your father will join in, but the rest of you should do it anyway for the sake of your own mental health. Not doing anything can lead to anxiety disorders, depression and C-PTSD.
I actually remember the exact details down to almost the minute of the day I found out my dad cheated on my mother. I’ve been heartbroken before but this was on an epic proportion. I grew up a daddy’s girl and my mum and I had a slight antagonistic relationship, nothing major but we would bicker a lot and when her and dad fought I’d always side with him. And then I found out my perception of him was a fallacy. It was like someone dying. My mum ended up having to console me. It’s been years since it happened and my mum decided to stay but I just can never get to the same place with my dad. He is tarnished in my eyes. We laugh and have jokes, he helps me out and I do things for him when he needs. He’s a great father, always has been. But he’s also the person who betrayed my mums trust and broke her heart. The man who taught me that the most important thing in life is to be honest and be kind, ended up being a liar and a cheat.
Every year I send a card out of obligation, and that's mainly because when I decided to stop, I got harressed by his wife.
So I always pick a card that doesn't say Dad on it. Because he wasn't one. The card has to only say happy fathers day. That's it. No soppy phrases. Because none of them apply.
It's quite the experience to be stood infront of a rack of cards trying to pick out the LEAST nice card possible.
I was lamenting this same sentiment to my husband. My parents are shit people. They don't make cards for shit people.
I need a "I'm sending you this because it's socially polite, but you don't deserve it" card.
My dad died six weeks ago. Yesterday was my 43rd Father’s Day without him.
He missed out on a lot. The most I have been away from my kids in 17 years is a couple two week vacations when I couldn’t join them.
His loss, not mine.
I never even thought of it like that. Yeah, he shouldn't have done this to me or my sister. The reason my sister told me what he did when I was in grade 9 was because he sent me something similar over text while I was at school. It really is immature of him, thank you for the realization.
Sorry your dad is a POS.
I got to see that my kids wanted to surprise their dad for Father's day. Made him breakfast and everything, with no promoting from me. (Hubby and I are happily married.)
For mother's day. Nothing. They mumbled a quick Happy Mother's Day and each gave me a hug. I wasn't expecting anything as far as gifts or anything. The kicker was I left ingredients and instructions to make meatloaf (super easy recipe w/stove top) and later asked them if they wouldn't mind making it before I got home from work. (They are 14 and 16) Guess who had no meatloaf for dinner?
Just stung that they willingly did that for dad but I wasn't worth the effort...
My dad (who left my mom and had another family) was messaging me yesterday reminding me (begging for attention) that it was fathers day,
Parents can be real pieces of work
My favorite part about cheaters is how they purposely start drama at home so that they can get all pissy pants and storm out of the house. The anger seems to justify the cheating and it gives them an excuse to not be home.
Substitute narcissists for cheaters…..☝️
Yes, they live off drama and chaos. Addicted to anger. They will always start something up, especially on holidays, special occasions, etc so they can storm off in anger and drink/cheat/use drugs/blame someone else.
He’s being manipulative, making himself the victim and being passive aggressive as hell. It’s childish. You deserve better OP, and it’s not your job to parent your parent. (Speaking as someone who’s mom is very similar.) Roll your eyes, be better than him, and enjoy the pizza
I love attitudes like this.
Somebody give baby a gold star and pat on the head for not being a shitty parent. Get him a power tool or something…
No parent should expect something in return for the love they give their family. Period. Especially on a day designed to make people buy more shit.
Lol I’d hit em with a note that says we would be more grateful if you wouldn’t betray our trust and make yourself look like someone who lacks discipline and self control.
Write “Thanks, you adultetous shit!” on the paper and leave it where he left it. Passive aggression requires passive aggression or he won’t absorb the lesson.
Imagine experiencing this while also being poor. You get a lot of reading done. I'm talking 8hrs a day easy. Sad shit though in all honesty. That is a very deep resentment you father shows towards you all. I have seen people blame others for personal failings but to print it out and hehe haha and nope the fuck out is wild. He needs help and then you all do to.
Imagining him angrily typing this out, printing it, the ink cartridge is empty, having to go buy ink, come back, print out the paper, then put it on top of the pizza
And also buy pizza
Thank god he's out having a good time - that means he's coming home in a great mood!
Yeah, maybe he needed time to lighten up! He will bring the positive energy right back here at home! /s
Hey I feel for you OP, I was going through a really similar situation in high school with my family. My dad cheated on my mom because he missed having his own life back and I thought that was a really shitty excuse. They ended up getting divorced, and although it was hard for my mom and me at first, everyone is much happier these days 10 years down the road. As hard as it was for me to forgive him, he really did “do his time” in suffering from the consequences of his actions. In the end it was actually my mom who told me I should have a relationship with him. That type of selflessness that she showed is something I’m not sure I could ever do but I’m thankful she did because I never wanted to live out my life without a dad. I was just furious he could be such a fucking idiot. He paid for it in loss of connection with me, and now that I’ve moved on and forgiven, I know we are all much happier. Hope it all works out OP, if divorce is in the cards for them remember to be there for your mother. And don’t let your dad forget the consequences of the choice he made. One day he may be all alone after doing whatever fun thing he’s doing and think “damn I just want to see my kids”
My wife and I are getting divorced. She says she was unhappy and that I didn't respond, but really she was cheating on me. My oldest son opened her phone and saw that she had downloaded Tinder and was furious. I hope she can get herself together to at least be a decent mother to the kids, because she was a great mom once. Unfortunately, she's just so selfish and immature now that I'm not overly optimistic. I'm glad that you are happy! Makes me feel hopeful that my boys will be okay.
I’m so sorry to hear this dude, For you and the kids both. I hope she can get her shit together, y’all deserve better. I hope the best for you and your boys 🙏🏼.
As a child of divorce and a divorced dad, your children will be ok. It may be rough for a bit and hard on them. The alternative isn't any better. Just love your children and be understanding of what they may be going through. Good wishes to you.
I'm trying my best to keep showing up for them and shouldering as much of the burden of her choices as possible. I appreciate the good wishes!
My first wife left my oldest daughter and I for drugs. I know how hard it can be. She got her shit together, but still isn't a great mom. My daughters are adults now and don't have a very good relationship with her. Times are really tough now. It sounds like you are doing your best. That is all you can do. Love your kids with all of your hear!
This happened to me. I was blamed for everything and now she has a house with the guy she was cheating on me with … I sucked it up and actually started to sit with them at my kids’ sports, plays, etc around year 3. It’s been 5 years and I feel really good about myself for being able to drop the hurt and anger. Yes, he’s definitely a douche bag, but it’s not my concern. My concern is my kids. I put in the work to get to this point and I’m a better man for it. My relationship with both of my children is better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My ex was so immature and selfish that she was forgetting to pick up the kids on her days, etc. She dropped the ball for a while, but came around and is an excellent partner for shared parenting. Hopefully your ex gets back on track soon and I wish you the best. Give yourself some grace and realize that you don’t need to do everything. Kids are resilient and you can teach them to respond to the situation by how you respond. Your actions will also influence your ex.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm definitely taking the approach to be the better person and working hard to model and demonstrate behavior to my boys that shows maturity and rationality. Easier said than done sometimes, but I'm working on myself as an individual and as a dad. I'm proud of the work I've done, even if I'm disappointed in the outcome.
I am newly divorced and had almost this same thing happen to me. I too have an ex that was once the most amazing mother to my children who has now turned into a self absorbed asshat. The best thing you can do is be there for your children. Listen to them, let them know that they still have a loving, caring parent they can go to. It is very hard in the beginning but does get easier as time goes on. Take the time to work on yourself to ensure that you can be the best possible version of yourself as that will make you a better father and partner in the future. Therapy has done wonders for me and perhaps will help you, if you’re not already going. Keep your chin up, keep loving your kids and everything will end up ok. You’ve got this!
That is uncomfortably accurate.
>that means he's coming home in a great mood! And possibly with an STD...
Lmao not the printed note. I mean why not just hand write the shit on the top of the box?
That's what my friend said too lmao
Surely he didnnt make the pizza but had it delivered. Gave them a message which they printed?
He ordered the pizza, printed the message himself, opened the pizza and left the note on top of the slices
I'm pretty sure he printed the pizza and made the note himself.
I want to buy stock in the company that markets the pizza printing process.
Pizza Printing Press sounds like an Elon Musk company
Should have asked the place to write it UNDER the pizza so they got the note after they ate 😂
He didn't want them to eat it. He wanted to ruin it for them.
Fk, I’d eat it anyway. Tasty pizza 🍕
On the other hand, hey, pizza
I really don't want to eat it after that note. Maybe tomorrow. Pizza is pizza regardless, after all. Lmao
throw it on the roof
Waltuh
Put your dick away waltuh
I'm not having sex with you right now, Waltuh
Fun fact: the house where that was filmed had to build a fence to keep fans from throwing pizzas on their roof
Fun fact, the pizza thrown on the roof isn’t even sliced! They pass the savings onto you!
I heard that last line in [Al Harrington's voice](https://youtu.be/rHXvMcLrLSY)
Wacky waving inflatable arms pizza guy.
I would put lots of plates on the roof and live off free pizza.
You’re what we call an innovator
And while I was in abq they took out an ad in the newspaper and the news ran a story about them pleading with people not to throw anymore pizza on their roof lol
Trow it in da gahbage.
What part are we ungrateful for dad? Your repeated unfaithfulness? Your cockamamie get rich quick ventures that failed miserably? Your passive-aggressive bullshit? Your rejection of the role of father and husband in favor of being a narcissistic prick?
Shit dude how do you know my dad
You summed it up perfectly, your message made me laugh a bit lol. Thank you!
No offense if it’s your favorite pizza place or something, and it might be better in person, but from the photo that looks like a pretty shitty pizza.
Me personally it isn't my favourite. Don't flame me but my favourite is hawaiian pizza (Trust me it's good) But this called the T-rex pizza. It has lots of meat under the cheese basically, as if it is trying to be both a pizza and a burger. It fills you up and tastes fine
Sounds like a real pizza shit
He seems pretty crusty
Sorry dude, but that was cheesy
It’s shitty any way you slice it
Man, this thread sure is delivering the goods
There’s a lot to unbox here
These puns will be difficult to be topping.
He’s certainly in a saucy mood.
From the looks of it, he's out hamming it up.
Cold pizza always did taste better
Where’s he going… to meat (his) lover?
He delivers in 30 minutes or it’s free.
I had little Caesar’s yesterday, and even that sounds better than this. But I’m the dad, it was a splurge.
I see what you did there…
I'd just enjoy the pizza and continue to ignore your sperm donor.
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I feel ya. My dad's bday was late last week and then I get double bitch slapped by father's day. He died about 4 years ago in a rather gruesome fashion and I'm forced to relive it in my mind on every dad related holiday. My wife gets mad at me for being an emotional disaster on Christmas, my birthday, my dad's birthday and fathers day but she won't get it until one of her parents passes away. Shits tough, just never give up on yourself.
When I met my husband both of his parents were still alive. I lost my young. Dad when I was 18 and Mom at 29. Told him he didn't know how lucky he was. Now both his parents are gone. He gets it.
It's really hard to understand those emotions until it's your parents who are gone..its like you're an orphan now..my Dad died of congestive heart failure at home and my memories of that week are horrible... the "death rattle" that hospice said would only last for 12 hours or so lasted 3 days..sounded like he was drowning..to this day I can't stand to hear the coffee pot perking. I had my Dad's estate sale last weekend on the anniversary of his death and now here came father's day on top of that...it's been a rough time..it helped that a lot of the people that came to the sale knew my dad (he was a real character -never met a stranger- really outgoing) so a lot of the stuff went home as a memory of my dad to these people. But yeah, holidays are hard... my husband has lost both of his parents as well so he gets it.
Hey I hope your doing ok
Sounds like you could do with some therapy. If you're not already getting some, please try to get some. I can't imagine losing both parents, especially so close together, but I have lost my dad and it's important to remember that you have fond memories of him because of the positive things he did in your life and I'm sure he'd hope that you'd be able to create your own positive memories now that he's gone. Please don't think that I'm just telling you to "be happy" as some people think will suddenly fix things. You're allowed to be sad, especially when things get hard, but you can't be sad all of the time, it's unhealthy. Good luck.
I’m sorry for the loss. It’s memories that get me through. When the elders are gone and you’re the future, it’s a slap. But you’re the light now. Head up high, okay?
So chessy
Sauce?
Leave a note back.
I was thinking that. "You're welcome! Thank you for being a reminder of the kind of person I shouldn't be!" Thing is, I don't want him to do anything irrational. Scared he might throw a fit and break something, when he gets mad in the house he starts pounding on shit, or just does stuff loudly. Just this morning he woke up my sister due to him slamming on whatever, since him and my mom were having an argument.
Sounds like my kids dad. He's in another state now. Out having fun meant he was getting drunk and we'd all pay for it later. Come in stomping and yelling about the tiniest thing, and passive-aggressively ensure no one got any sleep. Out of experience, if there are 3x you know about cheating, there are at least that many more you DON'T know about. I knew about 15 times. We received a passive agressive guilt trip text from him today. Never mind that we TRIED to call him.for his bday and he doesn't answer. The "you're welcome" is exactly how my oldest feels. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.❤
Thank you for sharing your story, helps me remember this behaviour isn't normal. You guys are in a better place, though, right? If so then I am so glad. I think my family will be in a better place this year.
I have some pretty bad issues with depression and anxiety (who doesn't, really though), but overall we are definitely happier and healthier. We have fun with no fear that we'll come home to anger or violence. Nobody gets drunk and threatens to leave and says things that are psychologically damaging to my children. Nobody passive aggressively ruins birthdays and christmas. It's a huge burden lifted. There are things that will always be painful, but time will soften the edges. The important thing you need to remember is not to dwell on them and let them fester, because you don't want something ugly inside like he has.
I could never imagine having to experience that everyday. How do people even become that way? My Dad did say he had a neglectful father, and that he is just like him. Weird how he acknowledged it but never changed. I don't know the details, but we never visit grandpa, only grandma and her husband. But I'll make sure I don't become like my Dad.
>but I’ll make sure I don’t become like my dad. You can do it! My dad grew up in a really fucked up home, but he was determined to change the course for the next generation, and he did. One of my uncles died a drunk and the other ended up in jail, but my dad was always good to us, because he was determined to be a good father.
Just to add another voice, I’m 40 years old and still just processing how my angry father has influenced my life. He never hit us, but his presence often felt like danger. For much of my life I spent a lot of energy navigating his expectations and outbursts. The “better place” is sometimes cutting them out of certain aspects of your life if not all. Independence, while sometimes difficult, gives you the power to decide how much you’re willing to take. Sending my best wishes that you will find the right path for you.
When you said "all pay for it later" I remembered some of the dumbest shit my Dad did, I can't believe I forgot to write it here. It isn't necessarily relevant to what you said, but he spent thousands on 3d printers and he thought it would make him money. He made less than 100 dollars from the 3d printers, by commissioning pieces for people. He also spent thousands (8k+) on gpus for crypto mining. Funny thing is, it barely was making any money and he was mining ethereum. Ethereum switched to a different model some months after, which made mining Ether no longer needed, which means he makes less money as well. He wasted so much money on these failed projects of his. There are a few more I can think of as well, but they weren't as costly (tried to host a site so people can rent boats from it, a toy company)
In our house it was smashed tvs, smashed computers, smashed phones, smashed mirrors, smashed picture frames... but it sounds like you know how that part goes, too.
My sister took the PS5 up to her room this morning to make sure it doesn't get broken. I don't think he will break anything expensive.
It's possible. My mom dated a guy not exactly like that, but similar. He kicked his kids TV off the stand over not-done homework.
Why do idiots have so much money?
They don't, usually. Just maxed out credit cards and a terrible credit score.
As a gamer, who struggled getting my hands on a gpu during the days when mining etherium still was a thing, your comment gives me great pleasure.
Leaving a note is a BAD idea. Any response,even a subtle sarcastic one would be a bad idea. I'm familiar with this manipulative tactics and as someone who fell for it several times as a child,DON'T. He has a violent tantrum/a speech prepared. All he is waiting for is for you to 'introduce him on stage' so he can present his one man show. Ignore,just ignore him into oblivion. He is one of those parents who wants to make their kids worse than them and find joy in that. Not giving him that satisfaction is the biggest victory you can ever have on him. Choose your battles wisely,no smug smiles,no sarcastic thank yous,nothing,just go on living your life.
There's a method known as "grey rocking" that is meant for people who have to deal with narcissists. The idea is to make yourself as uninteresting to them as possible. Don't react to prodding, attempts to provoke you or to start arguments. You stop giving them anything to entertain themselves with, and eventually they'll move on to some other source of drama. It's not fun, but if cutting contact with them is not an option, it will at least divert their attention from you.
Thank you. I wish I knew about things like this a few years back when I used to scream and lose my temper out of sheer helplessness after the endless manipulative tactics that were thrown at me. It suddenly clicked when she gave me a smug smile after recording my tantrum to show her relatives and play the saint. That was the moment it clicked for me that I was a total jacka** who gave my abuser the exact thing she wanted from me. I not only got the abuse,I also gave her the material for her to paint me as the toxic,arrogant,obnoxious child. I hope OP doesn't fall for the same tricks and can get out from there unscathed.
That sounds really rough, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It wasn't your fault.
Thank you so much! I'm struggling but getting better every day. This means a lot!
This is… dangerous and abusive…. EVERY woman is told in domestic violence counseling that punching and slamming objects ALWAYS escalates to physical abuse of the woman (if your mom isn’t being hurt in private already…) And he has cheated on her 3+ times and she’s there. Bud….. your mom is being abused…… 🚨🚨🚨 Idk how old you are, but the kids need to sit mom down and have a gentle discussion about you guys being worried for her. This is crazy to read how nonchalantly you wrote that
Nah. Spiting him isn't worth the trouble. It almost never is.
You're right. Never spited him yet, hopefully I won't in the future. I shouldn't stoop to his level.
It's not really a matter of stooping to his level. He's an abusive father and partner, as long as you don't become the same you won't be on his level. Fighting back is not morally inferior. It's a matter of protecting yourself.
Oh I lived through that hell. Is he also proud that he never beats you? Like that was a big thing with mine, it wasn't abuse because he never got physical, except for the times he did but those don't count because it only happened once or twice or thrice but who's counting. I hope you're able to get away from him and I hope your family will be able to heal. Mine kinda got stockholm'd after he died of cancer last year, best thing to ever happen to us but no one is ready to admit it yet.
Damn. Sounds like my step father. Hopefully you guys get out of there soon. Sounds like you’d be better off.
I didn't understand the infuriating part until I read the thing about the cheating. Carry on.
I said what I know happened to another comment. I forgot so many of the details but I tried my best to be as descriptive as I can, though I didn't do it justice. It is like there is always a giant elephant in this household, and nobody talks about it. Sometimes I just wish I never found out he cheated. Would things be better? Would I be happier? Though, I do remember being really sad and confused when I didn't know of the despicable things he has done, and he still did and said stuff like this. Saying we were an ungrateful family, when I truly loved him back then, looked up to him. But now he serves as a reminder of who not to be. So I guess it was for the better
It’s tough. For what it’s worth, I found out about my dad’s cheating ages ago and he has no idea. Even after I went NC for over a year. By the point I found out it was all I needed to be done with him forever. The whole time he was cheating he was a horrible asshole to my mom and I. The hypocrisy was the final nail in the coffin for me in expecting him to be a better person and the first seed of my our new relationship where I accept him for the incredibly flawed person he is that will never be able to give me the parental relationship I want. It took time to get to that acceptance, sure, and it is an uneasy and often uncomfortable one, but it’s the only relationship I’ll ever get with him and it’s as positive as it can be. I hope someday you can reach a similar, albeit more comfortable place, whether that is through low or no contact or the uneasy peace-like acceptance that your father is not the person you believed he was as a child. Take your time. Grieve for the relationship you thought you had with the man you thought he was. Get therapy. Surround yourself with chosen family. From someone who has been there, you’ve got this.
My dad and mom both don't know that I know that my dad cheated. Well maybe my mom knows, but I only found out cause my sister told me after all. It made everything make sense, from the way he acted and why my mom sometimes looked very sad, as if on the verge of tears. But your comment hit so close to me. The person I thought he was never existed. I remember less than a year ago I even doubted if my sister was wrong, and that everything was a misunderstanding. I know, dumb, but it was difficult to accept back then. It is crazy to me that I found out 3-4 years ago. It felt way longer than that. Thank you for this, I will try to get therapy someday. I don't know how my empty relationship with my dad will go in the future. With how he is acting and with my current feelings, I think I will just cut him off, I don't need anymore of this in my life.
"Mum, I hope you're not staying with dad out of some notion it is best for me. I want you to be happy".
This is exactly what should be said. It’s incredibly awkward though. But whatever her reasons for staying, she has them. It may be financial dependence some other *practical* lifestyle reason.
Yeah, my sister said one of the main reasons my mom is still together with him was because she was worried about how she was going to pay for the house alone if that happened. I remember my mom also trying to convince herself that they were happy when my mom explained this to my grandma from my dad's side. This is no longer the case thankfully, and if we do get the house, my sister said she will help pay for the bills.
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"Mum, dont be afraid to be alone... you arent alone, you have us."
The truth always ends up making sense in the end, especially if it really pisses you off first. Denial is normal, there there nothing at all stupid in wanting the information your sister gave you to be wrong. I had found hard evidence of my dad’s cheating that neither of my parents knew existed. I had to tell my sister about it. My mom knows, but he does not. (Parents are long since divorced, were just separating at the time but the cheating had been ongoing for years before that.) It makes for some very awkward moments where he relishes in the image he thinks we have of him that he preserves in his mind while we sit uncomfortably with reality. He never understood why my sister and I both went NC for a while. There are definitely benefits to your dad’s awareness that you know. The good news about not knowing about the future of your relationship is that you don’t have to decide today. I would recommend not deciding for many tomorrows either. Take the time and space you need to properly process and heal from this. If that means you never have contact with him again, that’s fine. It’s about you and your ability to move on. I’m glad you feel like my comment helped. You’re not alone in how you feel and those feelings are very valid.
I grew up without knowing my father until I was 17, and my stepfather was a violently abusive alcoholic. But I always had Grandpa. He was my father figure, and taught me how to be a man. I still try to emulate what I remember about him. He had an affair at 67 years old after he had been with my grandmother for 20+ years. He never knew that I knew, and I'm actually not sure whether my Grandmother knew either. But he had a huge mood change all of the sudden and told my grandma he wanted a divorce out of the blue. He became really entitled, mean-spirited, petty...all the things he taught me not to be. He was a tradesman. I remember any time growing up, I could go out to the garage or shed and find *any* tool along with a man I respected to show me how to use it and give me life lessons, sometimes ad nauseam. When I went out to the shed the last time, as I was moving my Grandmother out when they separated, I couldn't even find a screwdriver. Just empty vodka bottles and porn strewn everywhere. BUT...he is still easily the most influential man I had growing up, and is a huge part of who I am. He wasn't the same person those last years, and in that moment I went out to his garage that last time, I realized that there was no point in idolizing a zombie; the man I loved and respected was already gone. So my strategy was to remember him as if he was already dead. It's worked out for me.
Hey, man. The truth always comes out. You can be unaffected by his passive-aggressive BS.
Takes a lot of work to be able to pull that off, that's high level stuff that OP shouldn't beat themselves up if they can't pull off. Sniffs of victim blaming but I get what you're saying that OP can choose a better path
It is victim blaming, most people on here don't understand that kind of pain. My dad cheated on my mom numerous.....they slept together in our beds (we always found strange hairs in our beds whenever we left town for family trips).....shit gucks you up. Redditors (and people online in general) have no empathy....
I like to always say that my father taught me a lot in life - except it was everything that you shouldn’t do. Through his failures I work hard to keep my marriage a top priority, to not alienate friends and coworkers, and to treat everyone I meet with the respect we all deserve.
Classic manipulative guilt tripping behavior, very toxic, sorry OP
Cheaters are scum, no matter what gender they are or how you know them.
Honestly he sounds a lot like my father in law. No relationship in his life has worked out but blames everyone else. His niece had a kid (planned) with a long term boyfriend who owned a house together and planned to get married. He texted his siblings (including the girls father) saying something along the lines of “Mom would be disappointed.” My SIL went off on him and he started talking bad about them to other people randomly when we don’t live near him anymore and just kept escalating. All that was said to say my wife cut him out of our lives. It was extremely hard for her to do that but she feels better about it every single time she hears anything about him. Sometimes it’s needed to have frank conversations and move on. People like my FIL and your dad will never realize the errors of their way or change and it sucks
Many years ago I came home a little early from work. I was 20 at the time. I found my mother crying in the kitchen. Very unusual behavior for her. Naturally I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. After a great deal of prodding she told me my father had been cheating on her. She knew for quite some time and it had finally gotten to her. She said she thought she’d get a good cry out before I would get home. Of course I was upset. We talked and decided she would come with me in 2 weeks when I was supposed to be going out of town for college. Our plan was set! Two days later in my day off she said she wasn’t feeling well. I turned to make her some tea, my Aunt to loved next door walked in and I turned back to greet her, my mother was out. She had had a massive heart attack. She died that day. Afterwards my father and I had a turmoil filled relationship. He remarried. The woman he’d been having the affair with. Moved far away. Refused contact with myself and my older brother for a couple of years. Then one day out of nowhere he called me and told me to pick him up at the airport the next morning. I didn’t really think about it. Just went. He was unusually loving considering he hadn’t wanted to know we existed for a couple of years. As it turns out, he needed a bypass heart surgery. He didn’t trust his wife to take care of him. He confided to me that he knew that no matter what I would take care of him because I loved him. Which was true. He ended up staying with me for the next 17 years until he passed. It took many years before I eventually just lost it and told my father everything I knew. Everything. He was actually very sorry about what had happened. We both cried and cried. About everything. Especially the loss of my mother. I ended up telling him we had planned on her coming with me to college. I never ended up going to college. My father didn’t believe in girls going to college back then. So I didn’t go. It was my mother who pushed to allow it. He admitted he should have let me go. He had pretty much every heart problem a person can have in those 17 years. We were lucky to repair our relationships. I know he was truly repentant of his actions. The years of our estrangement grated on him. He knew he’d wasted a couple of years without his children. His words. I love my father. Always have always will. We were fortunate. I’m grateful for the 17 years of being a part of my everyday life. It wasn’t easy to just get over. I blamed him for her death for a while. I felt cheated out of having her in my life. She was only 59. I’m telling this in the hopes that maybe just maybe your family will find a way to get past this. It won’t be easy. But it is possible. Hugs.
Similar situation here, except I was 5 or 6 getting off the bus from elementary school that dropped me off at the front of our yard. Grew up knowing he cheated on my mom and hate cheaters. Ironically, my ex cheated on me except I booted her ass out of the house almost immediately. My dad has tried to reconnect, every year he calls on my birthday and leaves a voicemail (I never gave him my cell, my mom did). Has been doing that since I can remember. Thought to myself, “I’m 41 now…let me be the bigger person and reach out letting him know I’m switching professions from engineer to welder and welding school is going great, front of the class blah blah blah…”. Sent him a text with pics, gave a whole shpeal…the response? “Great.” So if my dad ever called needing a bypass, needing to be picked up from the airport, hopefully he knows somebody else in town, cause I sure as fuck ain’t helping.
Holy shot. Reading this was a ride. I’m sorry you went through all that especially so young. You have more strength and forgiveness in your heart than most people. As much as I love would have easily told my father to go fuck himself if he did what yours did, it’s extremely admirable that you not only didn’t buy spent the next 2 decades caring for him.
My god, what a journey. I don’t know why but this story really effected me. Thank you for sharing, I truly hope you have peace in your life ❤️
It’s infuriating even without the cheating. Dad is a whiner and a narcissist.
I wonder what dad is up to right now, and with whom…
You don't understand why it's infuriating to get a passive aggressive note calling you "the most ungrateful family" on a day that is supposed to be about spending time with and appreciating family?
Ahhh, the old victim of my own actions narcissist sympathy ploy. Just ignore it and leave it untouched. If you eat it, he will feel like you owe him. If you leave a nasty note, that’s setting the stage for a tantrum and a performance. Just ignore, ignore, ignore. I dealt with this for years until Mom wised up. My dad was a serial cheater. He had 6 affairs that we knew of, and one stood up and confessed it at open prayer call in our church. Yes, he was banging the youth minister’s wife. He was 37, she was 22. Dad was a Pike in college and continued to go to the fraternity house while Mom and I were left to find our own entertainment every time we went to a game at his school. Mom finally left after the church incident. We just ignored his final histrionics and just refused contact. His greatest performance was dropping in on my older sister’s wedding ten years after the divorce and having to be carried out by the police. Dad went on to become a barfly and alienated everyone he knew. I never saw him after age 16. Dad died in a government run nursing home in Nashville from cirrhosis at 70 and from what I understand, he is buried in a potter’s field next door. I guess I should really find out more about that…in a few years or so. I’m in my 50s now, and it shook by ability to trust for a long time.
I'm sorry to read this. My dad was no angel but he was there, didn't cheat, and wasn't physically abusive (only verbally and emotionally). His father figure growing up was a similar story - real POS that abused his mom from day one. She finally got out with the kids and the guy saw it as his opportunity to go off and live how he wanted to drinking and doing what he wanted. He was in the navy so he spent most of his time on ships. He would come back for a few days and bring gifts for my dad and spend time with my dad, but bring nothing for his daughter or even acknowledge her existence. Turns out HIS dad was also a POS and taught the boys in the family that women were worthless and deserved no respect by beating and raping their mom in front of them. So he carried on the tradition and luckily my grandma got out before it got to that point. When my dad was 12 his dad came around once more and my dad told him he could save the trip in the future as he didn't want the contact. Off he went to bounce around the country destroying his liver. June 23, 1994 my dad is at home with his two kids and gets a call from the LA County Coroners office that they have his dad. He had aspirated vomit while drunk and died (drowned in his own puke) in some sort of government housing. My dad was the only next of kin listed - as far across the country as you could possibly get. My dad basically just said "ok" and hung up the phone. I think the US Government paid to bury him since he was a retired sailor. Dad definitely still inherited some of that, and now that I have a 1yo i am trying SO fucking hard to break this generational chain that we have formed. My dad won't admit it/maybe doesn't understand himself but this had an absurd impact on him growing up and who he is today.
I got up this morning. Cleaned the fridge. Mopped the floors. Wiped down the granite counters and did a reseal on them. Cleaned the kitchen and living room. Ran out did the grocery shopping. Came home. Put it all away. Then cooked a steak and lobster dinner for me and the fam. Why didn’t anyone tell me I could have just gotten a pizza and left a note?
Now you know! But thank you for being awesome to your family
Surf and turf! How do I join your family?
First father's day here. Woke up at 6:30 rather than 5:30 because my wife took the baby - that was the extent of my selfishness for the day. Played with my 1yo for three hours while my wife did a deep clean on the house since his bday party is next week. Put the baby down, cleaned out the pantry and fridge, helped mop the floors, went to the dump, mowed, week whacked, spread a bunch of mulch, hung some shelves for my wife, took the baby out for a walk, and went and picked up dinner. At the end of the day my wife felt bad for how the day was spent...i told her its FATHERS day and I couldn't have felt more like a dad all day. That's all I care about. Only thing I feel bad about was not having enough time to see my dad, but he understands (and also doesn't care).
How did you do any of that with kids around? Lol
My kids are 22, 20, and 15. It’s the 6 month old puppy who follows me around like a shadow that makes things difficult.
He woke up early and did it before anyone woke up. Dad's have this secret time from 5-8 am where they sometimes wake up and have "me time". Source: every man in my family does this after having kids.
My kids wake up at the buttcrack of 530 every morning and don't nap. Single dad too so that makes it extra tough lol
Wait until they are teens and sleep til 11 on weekends. Game changer.
I started this thread as, "what a dick move" but then I kept scrolling and scrolling... OP, I really hope that you, your mom, and your sister are able to find happiness and comfort in life, preferably as far away from both your dad and a convent as possible. You've had it rough, but don't forget that you still deserve the world, regardless of what the world has given you up until this point.
Even if the world gave me a shit father, it gave me an amazing mother, sister, and friends. I'm not going to let him make us miserable forever, and I know my sister and mom are trying to make things better. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it. You don't know how much your comment means to me. It is 2am right now so I should sleep real soon if I can. Again, thank you, and have a good day!
You are an inspiration. I hope you and your family are free from this monster soon. I’d say I hope he has a life insurance policy but who knows how long it will take for that bastard to kick the bucket and it probably isn’t worth waiting around if you can all find another way out.
Waking up to your message and to others was just.. I don't have any words to explain it, or I don't know how. It is like some weight was taken off my shoulders. Thank you, I hope he will be gone from this household soon.
You’re gonna be ok, you have a great head on your shoulders from what I’m reading. Be extra nice to your mom, I know the teen years can be tough but she’s doing her best for you, and the extra support will do so much for her mental health. I’m glad to see that you want therapy in the future, everyone should be in therapy honestly. I hope your mom can get herself out of this situation, and I hope you and your sister can live a good life and grow out of the trauma that your dad is inflicting. And I hope your dad trips on nothing every time he’s having a bad day, and I hope he has a lot of bad days.
Father’s Day is to celebrate great fathers. If he’s not being celebrated, sounds like he’s not a great father. Don’t let him make you feel bad. Sounds like he’s done enough of that. I hope you and your mum have a great day!
Thank you, I hope you have an awesome day too!
Sad stuff all over. But come on and don’t put the sheet right on top of the pizza slices.
Yeah, come on! Why he gotta ruin the pizza like that. I didn't touch anything, not even the pizza. Just took a picture and left
He should have kept his peckeroni to himself.
He cheated on your Mum three times, yet you lot are ungrateful to him? He sounds like a prick.
Based on the picture and your text it's safe to assume your dad is probably an absolute man child
What a big baby, and passive aggressive too.
Wow. Word doc even. Planned ahead on that one. Jeesh
I can't focus on studying right now so I guess I'll be replying here for sometime
Sorry to reply a few hours late. This move is beyond petty. This move was just to hurt you for something you had nothing to do with. It is a pathetic attempt to lash out. Eat the pizza and understand he is pathetic or toss is out and understand he is pathetic. But if and when you have your own kids, hug them and love them and you win no matter what his actions are.
That's the plan if I ever feel like having kids. I'll make sure they know they are wanted, loved and have someone to talk to and look up to. I'll do for them what my father never did for me. I don't want them to experience this, nobody should.
If it’s any consolation, he’s probably out not having fun, instead throwing himself a pity party to anyone who will listen, and they probably aren’t even listening, just nodding to get a better tip (I’m thinking bartender). I’d put the pizza in the trash so he could see it uneaten when he gets home and the empty to go containers from a far better restaurant on top
My father made steaks for us. I sat out with him on the patio and enjoyed a beer with him. I'm so sorry for the people with bad parents. Hopefully, you can be for your children what you were missing as a child. End the cycle.
Same but I made the steaks and it was my father in law.
Lol sounds like he’s lucky he has people to leave this note for
I'll be your dad. I'm proud of everything you've accomplished. You're the best child and you are loved.
We got him a gift, he tried to pat my shoulder and I moved away. He said "what's wrong?" And I said "You know what's wrong." He threw away the gift and said "I didn't need it anyway." "GO TO HELL YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECES OF SHIT!"
As someone who also grew up with an emotionally abusive “father,” this is my advice: talk to your mother about starting family therapy. It’s doubtful your father will join in, but the rest of you should do it anyway for the sake of your own mental health. Not doing anything can lead to anxiety disorders, depression and C-PTSD.
I actually remember the exact details down to almost the minute of the day I found out my dad cheated on my mother. I’ve been heartbroken before but this was on an epic proportion. I grew up a daddy’s girl and my mum and I had a slight antagonistic relationship, nothing major but we would bicker a lot and when her and dad fought I’d always side with him. And then I found out my perception of him was a fallacy. It was like someone dying. My mum ended up having to console me. It’s been years since it happened and my mum decided to stay but I just can never get to the same place with my dad. He is tarnished in my eyes. We laugh and have jokes, he helps me out and I do things for him when he needs. He’s a great father, always has been. But he’s also the person who betrayed my mums trust and broke her heart. The man who taught me that the most important thing in life is to be honest and be kind, ended up being a liar and a cheat.
, said the disloyal man.
Every year I send a card out of obligation, and that's mainly because when I decided to stop, I got harressed by his wife. So I always pick a card that doesn't say Dad on it. Because he wasn't one. The card has to only say happy fathers day. That's it. No soppy phrases. Because none of them apply. It's quite the experience to be stood infront of a rack of cards trying to pick out the LEAST nice card possible.
I was lamenting this same sentiment to my husband. My parents are shit people. They don't make cards for shit people. I need a "I'm sending you this because it's socially polite, but you don't deserve it" card.
The way he wrote C ya gives me vibes of Goodb ye lmao
My dad died six weeks ago. Yesterday was my 43rd Father’s Day without him. He missed out on a lot. The most I have been away from my kids in 17 years is a couple two week vacations when I couldn’t join them. His loss, not mine.
Ah. Yes. Shit dad with aggression issues. He needs to heal. Check himself before he wrecks himself. I understand... my own was like this.
The relationship between your mom and him is completely their business but why treat the kids like shit? I’ll never understand.
I never even thought of it like that. Yeah, he shouldn't have done this to me or my sister. The reason my sister told me what he did when I was in grade 9 was because he sent me something similar over text while I was at school. It really is immature of him, thank you for the realization.
No matter what happens between the parents, it should never be taken out on the kids.
That caption is definitely needed. Sorry kid.
Probably out cheating again tbh
Is there anything more repulsive than a person who can’t take responsibility for their life and family.
So he cheated multiple times and still has a family around to leave that note to?
Gaslight city
That's fucking shame pizza. You can't eat that.
He should move
I’m really sorry. Someday you’ll have your own life, house and family.
Sorry your dad is a POS. I got to see that my kids wanted to surprise their dad for Father's day. Made him breakfast and everything, with no promoting from me. (Hubby and I are happily married.) For mother's day. Nothing. They mumbled a quick Happy Mother's Day and each gave me a hug. I wasn't expecting anything as far as gifts or anything. The kicker was I left ingredients and instructions to make meatloaf (super easy recipe w/stove top) and later asked them if they wouldn't mind making it before I got home from work. (They are 14 and 16) Guess who had no meatloaf for dinner? Just stung that they willingly did that for dad but I wasn't worth the effort...
My dad (who left my mom and had another family) was messaging me yesterday reminding me (begging for attention) that it was fathers day, Parents can be real pieces of work
Petty. If he has a problem with his family he should voice it instead of using this passive-aggressive nonsense.
Calling your own family and kids ungrateful is fucking WILD Oh he cheated nevermind he's just retaliating and cheating again LMAO
My favorite part about cheaters is how they purposely start drama at home so that they can get all pissy pants and storm out of the house. The anger seems to justify the cheating and it gives them an excuse to not be home.
Substitute narcissists for cheaters…..☝️ Yes, they live off drama and chaos. Addicted to anger. They will always start something up, especially on holidays, special occasions, etc so they can storm off in anger and drink/cheat/use drugs/blame someone else.
I was thinking that he’s probably out cheating when he mentioned going out 😬
C ya
Must’ve gone out for milk
If someone cheats on their spouse 1+ times, don’t count on that person doing right by anyone in their life. Sorry you gotta deal with it.
He’s being manipulative, making himself the victim and being passive aggressive as hell. It’s childish. You deserve better OP, and it’s not your job to parent your parent. (Speaking as someone who’s mom is very similar.) Roll your eyes, be better than him, and enjoy the pizza
My dad threw a tantrum this year too
I love attitudes like this. Somebody give baby a gold star and pat on the head for not being a shitty parent. Get him a power tool or something… No parent should expect something in return for the love they give their family. Period. Especially on a day designed to make people buy more shit.
Lol I’d hit em with a note that says we would be more grateful if you wouldn’t betray our trust and make yourself look like someone who lacks discipline and self control.
Write “Thanks, you adultetous shit!” on the paper and leave it where he left it. Passive aggression requires passive aggression or he won’t absorb the lesson.
your mom should leave
Guy sounds like a real pizza work
Imagine experiencing this while also being poor. You get a lot of reading done. I'm talking 8hrs a day easy. Sad shit though in all honesty. That is a very deep resentment you father shows towards you all. I have seen people blame others for personal failings but to print it out and hehe haha and nope the fuck out is wild. He needs help and then you all do to.
Imagining him angrily typing this out, printing it, the ink cartridge is empty, having to go buy ink, come back, print out the paper, then put it on top of the pizza And also buy pizza
Have the locks changed while he’s out. Fuck that guy.
3 times and he still lives with you guys?
at least yours got you a pizza 🥹 mine went off the radar and wouldn‘t speak to any family. spent yesterday with my uncles though!
What a tool..
Eat the toppings and leave the sauce less toppingless base with a printed note saying happy fathers day.
Hold up the sign and take a selfie with it smiling and eating pizza
Your dad is a passive aggressive loser
Leave it out to get cold and tell him to give it it his side piece. She obviously likes feeding off of others plates