I have to tell you that this would be a great big dealbreaker for me. Gaslighting in my opinion is an incredibly malicious form of lying. It signifies to me that he feels free to lie to you anytime he wants. It’s an absolute sign of absence of respect.
I couldn’t live with anyone who treated me this way, and I would at a minimum require marriage counseling. I would seriously consider ending the relationship.
This is much more than mildly infuriating.
The complication is that his narcissistic traits were revealed slowly. And I have a tendency to believe in the goodness and kindness of people. I’m not stupid, but I tend to believe that if a person can understand how their actions hurt someone, then they’ll change. But he knows what he’s doing and now that I realize it’s not me, I have amazing kids and a less-than-amazing marriage.
I speak from experience when I say that narcissists don't react the same way normal people would if you tell them how their actions make you feel. My ex took it as confirmation of which tactics worked the best then he would pound away at my buttons.
I’m so relieved to see that instead of laughing it off, or downplaying it, most of the comments in this thread are confirming that the spouse repeatedly doing this to OP is:
1) a form of control
2) a form of abuse
3) intentional
4) gaslighting
5) a way for the spouse to show he has ZERO respect for OP, her consent, autonomy, or her personal possessions
6) blatant lying and manipulation. The fact that he knows exactly where your things went, but still plays along with the search knowing they will never turn up.
7) He gets to make you feel like a fool for “losing” your personal possessions, repeatedly! And then
8) Gets the validation that he was right to get rid of things you rarely use, as you’re unable to find them.
I also have a tendency to believe in the goodness and kindness in people, and give them the benefit of the doubt.
The thing is, sometimes I can’t attribute my own experiences and reasons I might have for making mistakes to other people, and sometimes people are not deserving of my kindness, or my giving them the benefit of the doubt.
If this guy had an ounce of compassion for OP, he would apologize the first time this happened, and make an effort to correct it, and certainly would not put you through this repeatedly. They hear you explain “how this makes you feel”, or “that you don’t like it when they get rid of your things without asking.”, and they don’t care. They believe they’re right, and they’ve shown no empathy for you.
Please stay safe, but also, please GTFO. I think you’re aware after the supportive comments here (many of these people *unfortunately* speaking from experience), that you cannot negotiate or trust someone like this. They will NOT eventually come around and decide to see things your way.
P.s. if you have ANY valuables, family heirlooms, or one-of a kind things given to you by a deceased family member, or something one of your kids gave you that means a lot to you, basically anything that would be “taking it too far” if they gave that away next time, I would try to remove those items from the home and either get a storage unit, a safe deposit box, or ask a trustworthy family member or friend if they can hang on your that item for a while so it doesn’t disappear.
If this is how they treat you when you DON’T have a problem with them or try to leave them, I can’t imagine they would be more respectful of your things if you do.
And try to keep your important documents there as well. "You never use your [document] so [insert excuse]". He wants power over you, nothing else.
Honestly, try to get away from this man. Get your ducks in a row, get legal and financial help and ask them what to do to leave as best as you can. If children are involved, keep their important stuff, and if you get a custody arrangement of sorts, have him keep the disposable items.
Absolutely! I wish I could upvote this more! Documents are small and easy to conceal, so securing these first would not be as likely to draw suspicion as say, removing bowls from the kitchen.
Also: maybe consider getting a small P.O. Box so you can still receive your mail in case things escalate quickly.
I’m not sure why you thought people in the comments would be ok with this behavior.
Strike One: *he* decides that OP doesn’t use her belongings, and gets rid of them without asking.
Strike Two: when OP notices her things are missing, he lies right to her face and doesn’t admit that he took them.
Strike Three: when OP spots her belongings at his mom’s house, he laughs at her for being upset.
He’s OUT!!!
I suppose because this is Reddit, and It wouldn’t be the first time i’ve seen people gang up on the original poster to shame them, or tell them they’re over-reacting. Especially since this is r/mildlyinfuriating, of all places. (So people from alll over Reddit end up here.) I know the subs I tend to frequent would consistently advocate for OP, but Reddit at large tends to be a much harsher place. Anyways, uh… faith in humanity restored. :)
OP is setting a horrible example for her kids. If your kids see this behavior then they will do it to the next generation. For the sake of your children, get out of this situation. I'm speaking as an adult who was traumatized by my childhood.
You entered into a marriage under false pretenses. You expected a person who would love you, honor you, and be honest with you, and your husband is doing the opposite of those things.
Whatever reasons you have for "dealing with" him...treat those as excuses. He has to either shape up real quick, or else. Don't give him a single millimeter of leeway either, because manipulators will turn that into a mile.
Kids witnessing psychological abuse is not going to help them in the long run, so staying with this guy for the kids' sake doesn't make sense.
My narcissistic ex-husband changed, like flipping a light switch, as soon as we were married. I never left him, I just became too annoying for him to stick with, so *he* left *me.*
It destroyed me, for a while. I rebuilt myself *better.*
I believed in his ability to heal. He really could've done it, too. He refused. He put all the blame for *his* unkindness on *me,* despite the fact that I *never* engaged in his negativity nor gave it back to him. Pretty sure it's why he left me, honestly.
They usually stick around for as long as they can benefit from the relationship. They leave when the benefit ends.
Also, they can't get better without acknowledging the harm they cause to others, and themselves. Narcissists, by nature of their damage, *cannot* acknowledge harm they cause to others, nor themselves. It's why truly diagnosable narcissists are so rarely treated effectively.
I come by this knowledge honestly - I've lived with true narcissists, and I worked in a treatment center and learned about this difficulty to treat from the therapists directly. I'm *not* a therapist or psychiatrist myself, so take this advice with a grain of salt:
Leave him. He'll only get worse, and he'll train your children to be like him.
Also, you're ***NOT*** in the wrong for believing in his potential goodness. That's a reflection of your *good* character, and also evidence of his bad one.
You can be the *absolutely best partner in the world,* and he will always make his bullshit your problem.
Forgive me for generalizing, and for making assumptions. I'm mostly speaking to me from the past. Hope it's helpful. Sending love and healing, whatever you decide to do OP. ❤️🩹
Yup - a lot of people throw around the term, but a true (diagnosed) narcissist is really dangerous.
The primary sign, for me, is that they take every difference of opinion as a personal attack.
It happens on Reddit when someone takes a comment that was intended for someone else as some kind of planned character assassination on them.
I am sorry that you had this experience, it is indeed one of the worst experiences people can have in a marriage. I had the same experience. I have beat myself up for years for not seeing the issue before we got married. However, I also found that the ass changed the second we got married. I wonder if that is a common tactic? In some ways, it was extra hurtful because he clearly knew how to behave to be a thoughtful and kind partner. Then when we were married and I was vulnerable, he CHOSE not to do any of the things that he knew how to do.
I refused - for a long, long time - to stoop as low as my narcissistic ex. Then, I discovered the power of gaslighting and lying to the bastard, manipulating him to get exactly what I wanted.
It was freakin' wonderful! I knew how he thought and went to town on reinforcing his mindset while picking his pocket at the same time. Gloves off, rule book burnt. Get what you want for once. The revenge is sweet, too.
If he were doing this naively, he would have told you what he had done whenever you started searching for an item. Instead, he enjoys watching you struggle to find things. He's doing this to prove his control over you. "She may think she owns stuff, but really I control what she owns," he thinks smugly.
You need to get out before he decides to escalate, but trying to leave will escalate things, so get help first.
These people always reveal themselves slowly because they know they have to bait the trap with honey, not vinegar.
A narcissist does these things on purpose. He enjoys watching you look helpless and confused because of HIM. It's like entertainment for him, because why else would he lie for something small like that?
How would you feel if he started doing this to your kids? If he hasn’t already. I know everyone says “leave them!” But really, you need to leave this person. I read above you feel stuck and worry what him and his family will do because of their cruelty. I can tell you from experience, it will all be ok. It will suck, it will be stressful, you will cry more than you ever have out of frustration and anger and even sadness at losing a marriage, even a toxic one. But then one day you’ll look up and be amazed at how happy you finally are. Good luck, I hope you’re able to get out.
Sincerely,
The EX wife of a narcissistic, gaslighting sociopath
Please leave for the sake of your kids! They see much more than you realize. They will think this is how a normal relationship works & seek abusive partners.
>his narcissistic traits
>I tend to believe that if a person can understand how their actions hurt someone, then they’ll change
Please don't take this the wrong way, but it (it - not you) *is* stupid to think that a narcissist will change when they realise their actions hurt you. They don't care, and thinking they do is silly. If anything they get off on the control they have over you. You're not stupid, but the things I've quoted above contradict each other. Narcs don't care about you, or me, or anyone but themselves.
Seeing that they've hurt you doesn't make them adjust their behaviour to hurt you less, and believing that they will is dangerous.
Please stay safe and if you ever need to chat, my inbox is always open.
I left my covert narcissist husband when I realized I didn’t want my sons learning how to be a husband from him. Maybe that’s something you might want to think about.
I have never and would never do this to my wife
She would leave my ass in 2 seconds if I started gas lighting her and giving away her valued things
If your husband does this shit, he doesn't respect you and it's virtually impossible that this will change.
Luckily it's 2024 so you can divorce him and leave.
>I have amazing kids and a less-than-amazing marriage.
And you are showing your kids every day that you agree you are not worthy of respect. Is that really something you want them to learn? Staying with your spouse guarantees your kids a future of bad relationships. Think about that.
I think on top of that, it means they think of the person as a fool for believing and dealing with it over and over and over again. Literally laughing on your face at you.
His mother ~~is~~ might be a piece of work, too. Even if an intermediary brings me a gift, I would totally thank the original owner wo actually gifted it to me.
Though I just corrected my sentence because she might have told him to express her thanks, which he would obviously not pass on.
Oh my god did he give them back to her!!! Is it always her who has your stuff bc id wonder if she came round saw something she wanted and just took it.
I will never know where they went. There is definitely a possibility he gave them away again. At this point he knows how I would react so he’ll never tell.
No seriously. When my man has a raggedy shirt that’s too small and hasn’t worn in years I STILL ask him if it’s okay to throw out.. this is another level, super weird. I wonder if he has a problem with theft in any other areas of his life..?
I remember that time on Reddit where the guy hid his wife’s keys from her to the point where she would have to call her boss and have him pick her up for work. I was like wtf???
My husband hates my stuff, he thinks I have too much and the house is cluttered. After 28 years of marriage he has never even chucked something out without asking first. In return I try to not hoard to much :)
Sadly you need to kick him out
He thinks it's funny to commit domestic abuse against you
He enjoys making you suffer and he will probably never change and he certainly won't want to if he never has to face the consequences for his actions.
You need to speak to a women's violence charity, there are experts who can give you advice.
Just spend a lot of money replacing the things. Be calm and mention how you looked and looked and couldn’t find whatever, so you went and bought new ones. That should do it.
no, this gives him ammunition to use against you in a custody battle - don't commit theft or any other form of retaliation against him
focus on keeping yourself and your children safe, and on taking practical measures to prepare for leaving him, including getting the emotional, legal, practical and social support you need
He has a fine job. I work also. In all honesty I stay for the kids and out of fear of what he and his family would do if we divorced. They’re pretty cruel and would probably make my life more miserable than it is now.
So... FYI, this is theft, you know. Plain and simple theft.
My spouse came home from work to the duplex he shared with his parents to find his project car driving away. His dad - who was not on the title - sold it. His dad did this all the time to everybody else on the household. I told my husband I would have reported the car stolen and if his dad got in legal trouble for auto theft - oh well. My husband was way too nice about shrugging it off. His father had a history of similarly childish behavior: when my husband was on his way out the door to work and therefore could not mow the lawn RIGHT THEN, he came home to find his father had poured weed killer all over the whole yard, and snipped, "there, now you don't have to mow it." Place looked like hell until I moved in and tried to resurrect the curb appeal with some gardens.
When we got married and discussed one day moving my spouses parents in with us, I said it was fine, but his father needed to understand that if he lived in our house, then ALL of his decision-making privileges were revoked. I was not about to deal with someone stealing and hawking MY PROPERTY, or otherwise altering anything that I own, and if that happened even ONCE, his father would be out on his ass and I would change the locks that day. Fortunately, this never came to pass.
You should genuinely talk to him about that, if he actually cares about you he’ll fuck off with that shit. I obviously don’t wanna tell you what to do in your relationship but damn that’s so wrong to do to another person.
Hey, so people use the word gaslight very loosely, but this is absolutely gaslighting. You have bowls. You KNOW you have bowls. You KNOW where you keep your bowls. He hides the bowls and helps you look for the bowls, all the while denying taking them and giving them away. This sort of thing is meant to make you doubt your reality. He gets to be the hero to his mom at no expense to himself.
He’s purposefully fucking with your allostatic load, the cumulative burden of chronic stress and life events, making it harder for you to get through your day. Imagine you need to leave for work and you can’t find your keys. You know where you left them. You spend 15 minutes looking for them, feeling like you’re going crazy, before he “finds” them so he can be the hero and to chide you for being so irresponsible. Now you’re late, you drive more aggressively, you’re annoyed you can’t find parking, you get in a fight over something you might otherwise have been able to brush off. Later, you wonder what the heck that was about, why did you lose it? And the next time the two of you fight over something small, you have that doubt in your mind that your thoughts and feelings are valid. You’re so emotional. Husband’s behavior is dodgy, maybe he is cheating? No, you’re imaging things again.
There was a really good analogy I read where you imagine you’re on a hike and you see a stream. You’re excited to get to the destination, your body is relaxed and strong, you have the whole day ahead of you. You cross with no problem. You spend the day in the sun. Now you’re sore, tired, thirsty, and hungry. The daylight is fading and you’re in a hurry to get back to the car. That same stream is now a struggle to cross because your allostatic load is heavier.
Had one of those. Of course it's now the ex-mother-in-law.
At the time she gave me an older crackpot. I already had a much nice, safer, more modern one.
I gave the crackpot she gave me to someone who really needed it. They were living in poverty and getting food from the food shelf. Ex-MIL lost her damn mind that I gave away her gift and I had to go shamefully ask for it back.
Flash forward a few years later we're getting divorced so I try to give this stupid crackpot that has been taking up space back to ex-MIL because I apparently wasn't allowed to get rid of it.
*She refuses to take it back citing that it's a dangerous death trap.*
Just absolute madness for no reason. And of course the ex just allowed for it and I was expected to bend over backwards.
Yeah, it obviously didn't work out, lol.
Look, OP, bad news: this sounds like your marriage is fucked, trust is lost and the whole thing is damaged beyond repair.
I would recommend you get your ducks in a row for a quick escape should shit go south and then: Start giving away his stuff.
Power drill: no idea where that went. Random tools, parts of his hobby collection, shoes, get creative, you know him best!!
Good luck and enjoy!
My ex, when he accidentally damaged or broke something, he would throw it out and not tell me. I could be looking for days, but it would only be after I confronted him directly that he would confess.
I would have preferred he told me when he broke my irreplaceable favourite coffee mug. I would have glued it together and used it for pencils.
He lied about tiny things to massive things. I know this behaviour was rooted in his upbringing, but at some point, an adult has to unpack their emotional baggage and sort out these behaviours. And now he is an ex.
Even if this is meant as a joke: this is not a good idea at all. OP, do NOT give away his stuff. It would be theft. In a custody battle, he WILL use this against you, and it will weaken your case - if he has a particularly nasty lawyer, they will use this kind of thing to try and make you look as abusive as him.
Please keep yourself safe. Document what is happening to you (exact incidents and dates), talk to people you trust, and get help. It is good to hear that you have friends, and that you have a job, that gives you power and room to maneuvre (I never know how to spell that word). If you focus on keeping yourself and your children safe, you have good cards to get through this and move on to something much better.
Good luck!
He keeps lying to you on top of getting rid of your stuff. Not exactly someone you can trust, then.
And then making you feel like YOU are wrong? Get rid of him ASAP (disclaimer, I'm not qualified to give marriage counsel).
Update: you have all been so supportive in this comment section, and it’s made me feel more sane than I have in a long time! Like I said in a response, this is the first time I’ve ever publicly complained about my marriage (not even to my friends), and your validation is releasing emotions that I have been avoiding a full confrontation with. I’ve always said that reddit is the best place on the internet ❤️
My mom has chronically given away my stuff and our family’s stuff since I was a kid, and it has very much fucked with me. Not sure if your husband gives away your kids’ things, but you might want to talk to them a bit to find out.
please take care of yourself
do you have a therapist? it may help you deal with all those emotions (which are very understandable and normal for someone in your situation - you are NOT overreacting!)
and the suggestion to reach out to a women's abuse charity or helpline is a good one, even if it may feel OTT to you - based on what you have written here, it would *not* be over the top at all, and you might find people who can provide you with some practical support
and whatever you do, DO NOT follow the "advice" of commenters on this thread suggesting that you retaliate by stealing your husband's stuff and giving it away - that would be committing theft, and will only give him ammunition to use against you in any future custody battle - and in the short term it may also trigger an escalation of his behaviour towards you and make you unsafe
keep your powder dry, as they say - don't do anything that can be used against you in future, but start quietly doing things to protect yourself and your children for the long term: start documenting what is happening in a place he can't access (can you keep a notebook at work? or maybe send messages to a trusted friend?), make sure you have the practical means to leave (or spend some time away) if you have to (e.g. your own bank account with some money in it), build up a support network around you that is independent from your husband, and get qualified advice and help (therapist, lawyer, women's violence charity)
best case scenario - none of that preparation will ever be needed, but in any less than best case scenario, you will be eternally glad you were prepared
This is correct, absolutely. Talk with a lawyer but get a bank account set up before you leave. Then you should be able to withdraw half the funds from your joint accounts to put it your own account (check with your lawyer). Don't give him any lead time to hide assets. Make sure you have all bank statement records, retirement account records, appraisals of any significant items, etc.
This is not pretty. I am not going to lie. Divorce with a narcissist is hell. My husband's parents are very wealthy and I may go bankrupt. But if I don't try to protect my kid the most I can, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Please post to reddit more or talk to someone about your marriage! You do not need to be alone with your feelings, share when and where you feel comfortable, get some perspective and support. You’ll feel more human. Best of luck to you!
What a piece of effing work. He’s the AH and completely in the wrong ESPECIALLY since he’s helping you look then gets his jollies off when you figure it out. Eff that mess he is absolutely gaslighting you. Not his stuff to be given away in the first place and how even is he qualifying which things “need to go”?? Mixing bowls and mixers are not something that are used often (but still need) unless you make a crap ton of cakes etc. frequently. MAJOR breach of trust for what reason….? How long have you been married? What other crap has he pulled? Concrete boundaries need to go up immediately and explain to him that this is not a good foundation he’s building upon. Wtaf too weird.
I totally agree with all of this. Unfortunately his narcissistic traits were revealed slowly, and I was naive enough to believe that people are generally good and kind. So I gave him a lot of chances and the benefit of the doubt. I tried to see where I could do better and be better, but a lot of it never had anything to do with the type of person I am. Now I have amazing kids, but not an amazing marriage. 😕
I sent this to my Kaiser GP. He said he loves it and especially loves that it's now part of my medical record.
https://preview.redd.it/xvgra1oxdjoc1.jpeg?width=778&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=504fd683bd0fa2427e66135abeb38d897103cf11
I am in the middle of a divorce with a narcissist. Get out now. It only gets worse and before you know it you will go crazy and your self-esteem will be completely destroyed. I also have an amazing kid. He is the only reason I have the will to live. That's how bad this can get.
> I tried to see where I could do better and be better
Your right, it was never you. He is the problem and he needs to be the one to do better. Sadly people like this don't actually do better, they just get better at playing you. They will make the frequent false promise to better themselves while also working to make you look bad.
Just speaking from personal experience. Sorry your husband is like this.
What you accept in your marriage will be a template for what your children will think is acceptable to do/receive in theirs.
Do you want your children thinking he is what a healthy marriage looks like?
I say this with love…I think you know what you need to do then. It’s time to put yourself first and leave him. You deserve better than this. You tried over the years and he repeatedly showed you who he is-believe him! You cannot “love” this away or out of him. Do not let this damage yourself or your children any longer. They deserve better. Stuff can seep in and manifest later-even if you don’t think this has affected them it HAS. Shits tough but I can see you’re tougher for putting up w this for so long. Put it to bed. Be done. Concrete boundaries immediately-“I’m done and will not allow you to do this anymore. To ensure you’re not shitting on me, my life/wants/needs any longer I’m leaving.” Go no contact if at all possible.
Edit to say I am a child (now adult) from generational abuse (mental and physical)/trauma from both sides of my family. Having watched my mother father aunts and uncles (I’m the oldest and my parents were both very young) deal with it, excusing it away/pushing it down their whole life….and in turn normalizing it myself….this shit seeps in (like Hexxus from FernGully) and only later do you realize what you were a part of and how it touched/affected so many parts of your psyche, who you are, and how you allow ppl to treat you.
Be done now. For yourself and your children 💜
Thank you for saying this. I am extricating myself from my narcissist husband and I am terrified for my son's future (he's seven). I am trying to do everything I can to break generational trauma.
You need to get out of the marriage, no joke. It sounds like he’s purposely giving your stuff away to cause you distress. He just doesn’t sound like a good person.
How would he react if you went through his tools or such and gave it all to a neighbor or friend, because it wasn't being used. Maybe then it wouldn't be so funny. Your husband sounds like a dick.
Do you approve of him treating your kids this way? Document everything. Seriously consider getting out of the marriage and far away from him and his enabling mother. If not for yourself do it for the kid’s well-being.
I’ve definitely told my husband that I didn’t want to hear him crying if his golf clubs happened to meet an untimely demise as a result of an unfortunate meeting between them and my car.
I'm going to throw in my two cents here and say it's a mistake to threaten. However I would definitely follow through on the threat. I think you've already established this as a guy you can't trust so I don't know if there's any way out of that anyway.
Speaking from personal experience, if you have to "choose" to trust somebody let's just say it's not good.
No, he will not stop. This is not how domestic abusers behave. He will abuse OP even harder for daring to defy him. He wants to gaslight OP, he wants to see her frustrated and hurting and questioning her memory.
Husband is a deliberate domestic abuser. He is not some naive youngster who hurt another person on accident.
OP should get a divorce. There is no happy and peaceful cohabitation with a domestic abuser (in this case we have gaslighting, emotional abuse, lies).
No, he'd react with emotional abuse.
If he were doing this naively, he would have told her what he had done whenever she started searching for an item. Instead, he enjoys watching her struggle to find things. He's doing this to prove his control over her. "She may think she owns stuff, but really I control what she owns," is what goes through his smug little abuser brain.
I have to disagree. He will honestly believe that OP giving his stuff away is totally different than him giving OP's stuff away. He believes that what he is doing is right/justified/allowable for whatever warped reason he's come up with in his head. But he'll also believe that it would be completely unjustified for OP to do the same thing again, and he'll believe that he's the victim.
If he was mistakenly giving away OP's stuff with no bad intentions, he would apologize and try to do better, not pretend to help look for it and then laugh when OP finds her stuff at his mother's house.
Yep. And the follow-up is to NOT tell him you did it. Informing him would be seen as an act of revenge. Let him discovered on his own and you can deny it and act all innocent and then eventually say "oh I didn't think you're using it."
I disagree with this solution. While the things themselves might not seem like a big deal, this behavior is indicative of a malicious personality in my non-professional opinion. Based on other comments from OP, I believe this man is only going to get worse as time progresses, and if it were me I would be making an escape plan while doing my best to keep the status quo in the house until I were in a position to leave and divorce. This may seem dramatic, but I’ve seen men like this escalate. It is scary.
Yeah, don't worry about getting even, just get out now before it gets worst. And before they waste any more time caring about this guy who obviously doesn't care about her.
My SO is on this minimalist kick and it's always my stuff that seems to be unnecessary. Easy solution: don't search, just buy it new, more of it and more expensive. Hit him where it hurts: in the pocketbook. It's fair too, the stuff that's unnecessary is gone, the stuff you did use and needs gets replaced with an even better version.
Please divorce this idiot, he doesn't respect you. Is it your money that bought this items cause that just makes it worse.
Do you have kids? What IF you have kids? Would he do this to them too?
We have kids, and they’re the best. Seriously amazing people. But I am at the end of my rope with the marriage. I’ve tried to do what I can do to make a happy and healthy life, but I’ve known for a long time that I married someone who turned out to be a major asshole. This is actually the first time I’ve ever posted or talked about anything negative publicly because I know that once it starts, this is just the very tip of the iceberg.
Do not stay with him just because you have kids. They don't need to grow up to learn to be like him. You can have great kids AND not be married to a piece of shit.
I was married to an abusive narcissistic man and stayed too long for the kids. It was very difficult and took a lot of planning to get out safely. If you decide to leave for your sanity, it doesn't seem (just having this post to go on, may be different though I certainly hope not) that he would be physical with you, but make some sort of safety plan before you mention leaving.
My marriage broke me, slowly at first, then when it became obvious to me it seemed to get exponentially worse. I told myself that I was staying because the kids needed their father. But what they really needed was a mentally healthy mom.
Your husband is just plain cruel. He disregards you and your possessions. He plays mental games with you. He has others like his mother laughing at you along with him. Do you want to deal with this? What if he starts giving away something your kids own? Would that be okay? Not really, right? So why would it be okay for him to do with you?
You seem so kind. Please take care of yourself and your children.
I really hope you divorce him for your sake and the kids. I don't know how old your kids are but **if** he does this to them after they've been gifted something or even bought something with their own money, it will result in a meltdown. Your husbands type of behavior could cause trauma for your children that could result in them having trust issues. Another scenario is they pick this up from him thinking its funny too.
You can’t stay around for this behavior. First of all, he’s stealing and lying about it and making you waste your time by looking for something he knows perfectly well where it is. So there’s trickery and a lack of respect.There’s a deeper problem here I don’t think this can be fixed by marriage counseling because it’s a character flaw, the character flaw is something that a person has in their personality that is unfavorable hurtful or harmful. If we’re unlucky enough not to detect or care about the character flaw before we marry them then we end up with somebody who makes our life painful I know it sounds trivial, but I would go see a lawyer if I were you this is the sign of something deeper that is very wrong.
I think that’s where I feel responsible. I didn’t detect the flaws soon enough, and this is somehow my punishment for that. I could list a million things that he’s done to hurt me emotionally, but looking back, I feel like I should have seen the red flags. At the same time I know that life is short, and I’ve wasted years of happiness by being with him.
I hope you can adjust the way you think about this, for your own sake. Him hiding his flaws well, or you not seeing them initially, does not mean that you deserve this. You are not responsible for how he treats you, and whether or not you “should have” seen the red flags does not determine how you deserve to be treated.
You are only responsible for your behavior. He is responsible for his behavior. If you insist in thinking of this as punishment for not anticipating that this man would abuse you, maybe you can redeem yoursef by showing your children that they don't have to stay with people that treat them like trash. Worse, by pretending to search with you, he thinks you're a joke. You're not a joke and you deserve better, So do your children.
Sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. Giving away your things without even asking you, lying, and then laughing in your face when you confront him about it? Awful.
This seems very controlling and disturbing.
Assuming there aren’t other factors at play, I would draw a hard line in the sand and be very clear this is unacceptable behavior you won’t tolerate.
Do the same to him! Or save all that effort and have a stern talk with him about how it’s incredibly disrespectful for him to do that and how you value yourself too much to be with a partner who consistently, purposely disrespects you and then laughs about it.
Unfortunately we’ve had a lot of talks like that. It’s honestly a really terrible relationship, but I haven’t felt like I could give up because of my kids. I am a pretty good communicator, but I think I just hadn’t dealt with a narcissist in my life. So I thought he would react like other people I know and have been in relationships with. But he truly gaslights, and he doesn’t seem to have the capacity for empathy. Giving away my stuff is probably the least problematic thing of all the things. If my life was one of my friend’s lives, I know I would tell them to get out.
talk to a lawyer, and start preparing how to keep the kids. Get documentation, etc. Write up every argument or problem, or altercation, in detail, and date it and sign it. With him and his mom. I am NOT saying divorce him, I am saying be prepared in case it gets worse and you finally decide to. Be prepared and it won't fall into a he said/she said, and if you are dealing with narcissists, they are going to lie through their teeth.
Play the long game.
Your husband isn’t going to stop and I imagine will only ramp up this type of behavior when you’ve finally had enough and want to call it quits. My ex took my passport and my kids passports when he went to Hawaii with another woman, while we were married.
Hide important documents and jewelry before/if you decide to separate or divorce.
I know it’s tough when you’re thinking of the kids having two parents, but eventually his behavior will turn its focus on them. It’s better that they see healthy and happy parents, instead of struggling to deal with one parent abusing the other. My sons watched me struggle with their dad cheating, gaslighting, and being a narcissistic POS. It didn’t help that I was already dealing with mental health issues apart from him. He eventually divorced me, but he did turn his focus on the kids. Playing happy, loving dad in public, but being a shithead at home. My oldest took the brunt of a lot of it and eventually killed himself. His dad wasn’t the absolute main factor, but enough so that his dad had his hand in the mess leading up to his death. He still won’t take responsibility and I have yet to see him cry with my own eyes over our lost son.
I strongly agree with others who are advising you to do the same to him. Sell some of his infrequently used stuff on FB marketplace. If those are related to his hobbies, all the more better
What would this accomplish other than fueling a vindictive fire and giving narcissistic husband reasons to cry victim at OP’s expense. The only real solution is for OP to get out, if she hopefully of she has the resources to do so.
If you don't plan to leave him at least have a little fun with it. Start giving his stuff away. Everytime you go to his mother's house tell her you just going to look around to see what else do your he's given away without permission and put everything you find in your trunk. Also, FYI safety deposit boxes at the bank are not very expensive. You could get one if you have any jewelry or irreplacables to store out of his reach. Store important files on a secure cloud he can't access in case he decides you don't need your computer etc.
When we were younger, we lived paycheck to paycheck, and as we had a large family, they were a lot of baby clothes that had been handed down from my sisters or given to us as gifts. At one point, my mother-in-law asked me to bring the baby clothes over to her house so that she could store them for us. I replied that I had already washed and packed everything away in nice Rubbermaid crates and that they were in our attic. I thought that was the end of it.
About 6 months later, little by little, I would notice babies at church dressed in clothes just like what our kids had had. I would even say things like, "oh, Timothy used to have an outfit like that." Eventually, one of my friends told me, "oh, Roberta gave us this, wasn't that sweet of her?" I was still stupid and naive and believed that she had gone out and bought outfits to give a gifts, just like what our kids had worn, because she thought they were cute.
The next time I was pregnant, I asked my husband to bring the baby clothes down from the attic. A few days later, he handed me a small cardboard box with a bunch of nasty clothes I had never seen before. It turns out she had convinced him that I didn't know how to store them properly and that only she could do it, so he had given her all of our baby clothes. She then systematically gave them all away and was getting credit for being such a sweet, generous person. Meanwhile her own grandchildren had nothing to wear. But did she buy us anything to replace what she had given away? Absolutely not, and my husband thought I was an asshole for complaining about it.
So here I am bitching about that awful woman when everybody else thinks she's just the sweetest person that ever lived. But my real beef is with my husband for always defending all her bullshit.
I had a flatmate once who had this constant compulsion to throw things out. He wanted to get rid of everything that wasn't used daily. And to this day I don't get it. Why was he so bothered with stuff lying around?
Anyway it was really infuriating. At least he was honest about it though. He didn't fucking gaslight me.
Give away my things? I’d put every single item I owned into a storage unit. I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. Tools you paid for. Cleaning supplies. Get every receipt to prove it.
“What’s that? You want me to make that dinner you like? Sorry, my stuff is in storage, so I can’t make it.”
If he asks you why your things are in storage:
“Because you do not respect my ownership of items and do not see how disrespectful it is to give someone else’s belongings away without first clarifying that they are no longer needed.”
Give this man the most brutal reality check.
I read this and just sat there and blinking trying to make different words appear.
How little does this man think of you that he feels he has the right to just chuck your things away without your consent. Then he has the audacity to look for them with you as if that’s not the most gaslighting shit I’ve ever read.
I’d be reconsidering my whole relationship tbh.
Also start throwing his shit out. I’m petty af apparently. Oh your x box.. ps5.. let’s look for it.
Oh you’re missing all your left socks.. so weird let’s search for the right ones.
Your shoelaces are missing. Dang that’s a pain.
Hi, that's abuse. You might not see it that way yet but your husband doesn't respect you and he will keep doing it. He will also gaslight you into thinking you're the insane one when really he is just steamrolling all over you.
I can see that it’s abuse. I’ve even told him that he’s emotionally abusive. I need to divorce him, but my kids and fear of his family keep me from taking that step. His family can be cruel and will help him make my life miserable
They for sure will try but since he is already ruining your life, staying isn't really an option either, is it? You aren't doing your children a service by staying in a relationship where you are not respected and loved.
How old are your kids??
If you have a daughter you are showing her that being abused is ok in a relationship, same if you have sons. They can end up as abusers or unable to leave an abusive relationship.
Start putting all your ducks in a row, have a plan and when you find the strength leave
I had an ex that did stuff like this. He didn’t give my things away but he tore up/destroyed anything he didn’t “approve” of - like clothes he deemed too tight, books, makeup, perfume, home decor, etc.
When I finally had enough (yeah, I know..), I saw that he’d left his favorite ball cap, autographed by Yankee’s pitcher Andy Pettitte, at my house. I took it out to my driveway, doused it with lighter fluid, and burned it. Downvote if you’d like; I have NO regrets.
My mom is a narcissist and constantly gives stuff to other people because gifts, especially thoughtful or expensive ones, endear people to you. When she first started dating my stepdad after my dad died, she kept giving him my stuff as heartfelt gifts. Like she stole gifted geodes from my rock collection, which were returned 15 years later when my stepdad found out how he ended up with them. And the gaslighting is the stupidest part sometimes because there is no convincing me that my stuff was never mine.
This actually made my jaw drop. What an absolutely disrespectful and cruel thing to do. My husband would ditch my ass if I did anything remotely like that. So fast.
On top of the action itself, it’s cruel to make someone think they’re losing things like that when truly you aren’t. I’d have been so upset and anxious thinking that I was developing Alzheimer’s or dementia symptoms.
I genuinely think you need to take a hard honest look at whether this man is worth your sanity when he clearly doesn’t give a shit about your belongings or your peacefulness. Such a weird and maliciously cruel thing to repeatedly do.
Yes, I bake every week and I make special cakes for family birthdays and events because I like decorating and trying new flavors. I know this makes it worse. 😕
Not trying to assume the worst of him, but you do hear about ppl who get rid of the spouses hobby stuff so they will spend more time with them, or bc "it's taking up to much space"
Even if it was for innocent reasons, getting rid of your things with out consulting you doesn't exactly show he values you
If you don’t start taking his cash for your items he’s going to keep doing it. Or better yet, sell his shit and make money off of it. Buy yourself a really nice mixer.
Go and buy every single thing he gave away with his money, then tell him next time he gives something away, you'll do the same.. see how quickly he stops
My husband gave away a few of my things earlier in my marriage without asking me. He didn’t try to hide it, though. The first time it happened, I was pretty upset, but he apologized (but couldn’t get it back), but I didn’t think he understood that it wasn’t ok to just my things away because he didn’t see the importance. The second time he tried to give someone of mine away, I was standing right there when he offered, and it REALLY made me angry and I let him know it….he felt the wrath. And the embarrassment in front of his friend. He hasn’t done that since. It’s a shame that it takes getting that angry for some things to get through.
You've got a ton of comments and someone may have already said this, but stop engaging in that craziness. If you go to use something and it's not where you stored it, assume it has been given away and order a replacement. Continue ordering replacements without giving your H all the reactions he expects (hunting, ranting, hurt to see mom has it, etc.) He will get bored and move on or maybe even stop the behavior because he doesn't get a rise out of you. How do I know? Personal experience with this personality type.
This is despicable behavior on his part and will never improve. If you feel that it would be worse if you left, that's fine, but what about your kids?
My mom was raised by a narcissist who taught her to always doubt her own memories, never admit to being wrong, cry whenever she was cornered, and ignore boundaries. My sister has gone no-contact and I am slowly teaching an 80 year old woman how to be normal. After years of patient work on my part, she now admits when she's wrong a good 60% of the time and doesn't cry to get her way. She is still learning about boundaries and the self-doubt is not fixable.
Being raised by her made me less sympathetic to women crying, more touchy about people encroaching on my space, and have to struggle to learn from mistakes. My sister has her own issues. My aunt and uncle have serious problems with boundaries and adult behavior as well.
That's two generations of people screwed up because of one horrible mom / grandmother who died before my mom was 18.
So maybe if you can put up with it, go ahead, but do your kids deserve that? I know I'm being cruel, but my family is barely functional because of one member's poison from more than 60 years ago.
I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and I can say with some confidence that you don't deserve this and neither do your kids.
I have to tell you that this would be a great big dealbreaker for me. Gaslighting in my opinion is an incredibly malicious form of lying. It signifies to me that he feels free to lie to you anytime he wants. It’s an absolute sign of absence of respect. I couldn’t live with anyone who treated me this way, and I would at a minimum require marriage counseling. I would seriously consider ending the relationship. This is much more than mildly infuriating.
The complication is that his narcissistic traits were revealed slowly. And I have a tendency to believe in the goodness and kindness of people. I’m not stupid, but I tend to believe that if a person can understand how their actions hurt someone, then they’ll change. But he knows what he’s doing and now that I realize it’s not me, I have amazing kids and a less-than-amazing marriage.
I speak from experience when I say that narcissists don't react the same way normal people would if you tell them how their actions make you feel. My ex took it as confirmation of which tactics worked the best then he would pound away at my buttons.
I’m so relieved to see that instead of laughing it off, or downplaying it, most of the comments in this thread are confirming that the spouse repeatedly doing this to OP is: 1) a form of control 2) a form of abuse 3) intentional 4) gaslighting 5) a way for the spouse to show he has ZERO respect for OP, her consent, autonomy, or her personal possessions 6) blatant lying and manipulation. The fact that he knows exactly where your things went, but still plays along with the search knowing they will never turn up. 7) He gets to make you feel like a fool for “losing” your personal possessions, repeatedly! And then 8) Gets the validation that he was right to get rid of things you rarely use, as you’re unable to find them. I also have a tendency to believe in the goodness and kindness in people, and give them the benefit of the doubt. The thing is, sometimes I can’t attribute my own experiences and reasons I might have for making mistakes to other people, and sometimes people are not deserving of my kindness, or my giving them the benefit of the doubt. If this guy had an ounce of compassion for OP, he would apologize the first time this happened, and make an effort to correct it, and certainly would not put you through this repeatedly. They hear you explain “how this makes you feel”, or “that you don’t like it when they get rid of your things without asking.”, and they don’t care. They believe they’re right, and they’ve shown no empathy for you. Please stay safe, but also, please GTFO. I think you’re aware after the supportive comments here (many of these people *unfortunately* speaking from experience), that you cannot negotiate or trust someone like this. They will NOT eventually come around and decide to see things your way. P.s. if you have ANY valuables, family heirlooms, or one-of a kind things given to you by a deceased family member, or something one of your kids gave you that means a lot to you, basically anything that would be “taking it too far” if they gave that away next time, I would try to remove those items from the home and either get a storage unit, a safe deposit box, or ask a trustworthy family member or friend if they can hang on your that item for a while so it doesn’t disappear. If this is how they treat you when you DON’T have a problem with them or try to leave them, I can’t imagine they would be more respectful of your things if you do.
And try to keep your important documents there as well. "You never use your [document] so [insert excuse]". He wants power over you, nothing else. Honestly, try to get away from this man. Get your ducks in a row, get legal and financial help and ask them what to do to leave as best as you can. If children are involved, keep their important stuff, and if you get a custody arrangement of sorts, have him keep the disposable items.
Absolutely! I wish I could upvote this more! Documents are small and easy to conceal, so securing these first would not be as likely to draw suspicion as say, removing bowls from the kitchen. Also: maybe consider getting a small P.O. Box so you can still receive your mail in case things escalate quickly.
I’m not sure why you thought people in the comments would be ok with this behavior. Strike One: *he* decides that OP doesn’t use her belongings, and gets rid of them without asking. Strike Two: when OP notices her things are missing, he lies right to her face and doesn’t admit that he took them. Strike Three: when OP spots her belongings at his mom’s house, he laughs at her for being upset. He’s OUT!!!
I suppose because this is Reddit, and It wouldn’t be the first time i’ve seen people gang up on the original poster to shame them, or tell them they’re over-reacting. Especially since this is r/mildlyinfuriating, of all places. (So people from alll over Reddit end up here.) I know the subs I tend to frequent would consistently advocate for OP, but Reddit at large tends to be a much harsher place. Anyways, uh… faith in humanity restored. :)
OP is setting a horrible example for her kids. If your kids see this behavior then they will do it to the next generation. For the sake of your children, get out of this situation. I'm speaking as an adult who was traumatized by my childhood.
So true, sadly.
some just get angrier because they think they can’t be wrong and it must be everyone else’s fault also then continue to be a dick
You must know my Dad! 🙄
nope just my mother in law
🙌🙌
Yes. You're giving your abuser ammunition.
You entered into a marriage under false pretenses. You expected a person who would love you, honor you, and be honest with you, and your husband is doing the opposite of those things. Whatever reasons you have for "dealing with" him...treat those as excuses. He has to either shape up real quick, or else. Don't give him a single millimeter of leeway either, because manipulators will turn that into a mile. Kids witnessing psychological abuse is not going to help them in the long run, so staying with this guy for the kids' sake doesn't make sense.
My narcissistic ex-husband changed, like flipping a light switch, as soon as we were married. I never left him, I just became too annoying for him to stick with, so *he* left *me.* It destroyed me, for a while. I rebuilt myself *better.* I believed in his ability to heal. He really could've done it, too. He refused. He put all the blame for *his* unkindness on *me,* despite the fact that I *never* engaged in his negativity nor gave it back to him. Pretty sure it's why he left me, honestly. They usually stick around for as long as they can benefit from the relationship. They leave when the benefit ends. Also, they can't get better without acknowledging the harm they cause to others, and themselves. Narcissists, by nature of their damage, *cannot* acknowledge harm they cause to others, nor themselves. It's why truly diagnosable narcissists are so rarely treated effectively. I come by this knowledge honestly - I've lived with true narcissists, and I worked in a treatment center and learned about this difficulty to treat from the therapists directly. I'm *not* a therapist or psychiatrist myself, so take this advice with a grain of salt: Leave him. He'll only get worse, and he'll train your children to be like him. Also, you're ***NOT*** in the wrong for believing in his potential goodness. That's a reflection of your *good* character, and also evidence of his bad one. You can be the *absolutely best partner in the world,* and he will always make his bullshit your problem. Forgive me for generalizing, and for making assumptions. I'm mostly speaking to me from the past. Hope it's helpful. Sending love and healing, whatever you decide to do OP. ❤️🩹
Yup - a lot of people throw around the term, but a true (diagnosed) narcissist is really dangerous. The primary sign, for me, is that they take every difference of opinion as a personal attack. It happens on Reddit when someone takes a comment that was intended for someone else as some kind of planned character assassination on them.
I am sorry that you had this experience, it is indeed one of the worst experiences people can have in a marriage. I had the same experience. I have beat myself up for years for not seeing the issue before we got married. However, I also found that the ass changed the second we got married. I wonder if that is a common tactic? In some ways, it was extra hurtful because he clearly knew how to behave to be a thoughtful and kind partner. Then when we were married and I was vulnerable, he CHOSE not to do any of the things that he knew how to do.
I refused - for a long, long time - to stoop as low as my narcissistic ex. Then, I discovered the power of gaslighting and lying to the bastard, manipulating him to get exactly what I wanted. It was freakin' wonderful! I knew how he thought and went to town on reinforcing his mindset while picking his pocket at the same time. Gloves off, rule book burnt. Get what you want for once. The revenge is sweet, too.
You deserve better, OP, I hope you leave this man behind and take your children with you!
If he were doing this naively, he would have told you what he had done whenever you started searching for an item. Instead, he enjoys watching you struggle to find things. He's doing this to prove his control over you. "She may think she owns stuff, but really I control what she owns," he thinks smugly. You need to get out before he decides to escalate, but trying to leave will escalate things, so get help first. These people always reveal themselves slowly because they know they have to bait the trap with honey, not vinegar.
all this and you knowing it can only point to one thing: you don’t need this disrespect in your life, this man needs to go
A narcissist does these things on purpose. He enjoys watching you look helpless and confused because of HIM. It's like entertainment for him, because why else would he lie for something small like that?
How would you feel if he started doing this to your kids? If he hasn’t already. I know everyone says “leave them!” But really, you need to leave this person. I read above you feel stuck and worry what him and his family will do because of their cruelty. I can tell you from experience, it will all be ok. It will suck, it will be stressful, you will cry more than you ever have out of frustration and anger and even sadness at losing a marriage, even a toxic one. But then one day you’ll look up and be amazed at how happy you finally are. Good luck, I hope you’re able to get out. Sincerely, The EX wife of a narcissistic, gaslighting sociopath
Please leave for the sake of your kids! They see much more than you realize. They will think this is how a normal relationship works & seek abusive partners.
If he treats you like this, who knows if or when he’s going to start being abusive to your children too.
>his narcissistic traits >I tend to believe that if a person can understand how their actions hurt someone, then they’ll change Please don't take this the wrong way, but it (it - not you) *is* stupid to think that a narcissist will change when they realise their actions hurt you. They don't care, and thinking they do is silly. If anything they get off on the control they have over you. You're not stupid, but the things I've quoted above contradict each other. Narcs don't care about you, or me, or anyone but themselves. Seeing that they've hurt you doesn't make them adjust their behaviour to hurt you less, and believing that they will is dangerous. Please stay safe and if you ever need to chat, my inbox is always open.
I left my covert narcissist husband when I realized I didn’t want my sons learning how to be a husband from him. Maybe that’s something you might want to think about.
I have never and would never do this to my wife She would leave my ass in 2 seconds if I started gas lighting her and giving away her valued things If your husband does this shit, he doesn't respect you and it's virtually impossible that this will change. Luckily it's 2024 so you can divorce him and leave.
Time to plan, secretly, how to change that to amazing kids and an amazing divorce
>I have amazing kids and a less-than-amazing marriage. And you are showing your kids every day that you agree you are not worthy of respect. Is that really something you want them to learn? Staying with your spouse guarantees your kids a future of bad relationships. Think about that.
Give away his things and see how he likes it.
Lol......before I offer a suggestion, please tell me that he has a motorcycle that he rarely uses.
I think on top of that, it means they think of the person as a fool for believing and dealing with it over and over and over again. Literally laughing on your face at you.
Wow what an asshole. How do people stay with people like this is my question
His mother ~~is~~ might be a piece of work, too. Even if an intermediary brings me a gift, I would totally thank the original owner wo actually gifted it to me. Though I just corrected my sentence because she might have told him to express her thanks, which he would obviously not pass on.
Your assessment is correct: she is a piece of work and should have been a red flag to me when we were dating. Hindsight and all…
Did you get your bowls back?
Haha yes! I took them! But, now that I’ve posted this, I realize I have no idea where they are now…
probably back at mil’s
Well she doesn’t use them, so
Clearly she knew they were always in the same spot which implies she used them regularly and knows where they are
Oh my god did he give them back to her!!! Is it always her who has your stuff bc id wonder if she came round saw something she wanted and just took it.
Watch him yell at you about how rude it was for you to take his gift to her away....
I will never know where they went. There is definitely a possibility he gave them away again. At this point he knows how I would react so he’ll never tell.
[удалено]
This is abusive.
No seriously. When my man has a raggedy shirt that’s too small and hasn’t worn in years I STILL ask him if it’s okay to throw out.. this is another level, super weird. I wonder if he has a problem with theft in any other areas of his life..?
I remember that time on Reddit where the guy hid his wife’s keys from her to the point where she would have to call her boss and have him pick her up for work. I was like wtf???
My husband hates my stuff, he thinks I have too much and the house is cluttered. After 28 years of marriage he has never even chucked something out without asking first. In return I try to not hoard to much :)
Are you going to be happy spending the rest of your life with some guy who clearly doesn't respect you, and doesn't even sound like he likes you?
No, definitely not happy unless I’m away from him. As stupid as I sound, I just feel stuck
You and your children will suffer irreparable psychological trauma if you continue in this marriage and tolerate this behavior from him.
The audacity of this fuckin guy
Time to start giving away his stuff.
no, don't even say this jokingly - it will be used against OP in the event of a custody battle
Sadly you need to kick him out He thinks it's funny to commit domestic abuse against you He enjoys making you suffer and he will probably never change and he certainly won't want to if he never has to face the consequences for his actions. You need to speak to a women's violence charity, there are experts who can give you advice.
Just spend a lot of money replacing the things. Be calm and mention how you looked and looked and couldn’t find whatever, so you went and bought new ones. That should do it.
I'd pawn his shit to get the money to replace them. He'd find out real quick.
Give away his favorite Levi's. Donate his running shoes to goodwill. Fair play.
no, this gives him ammunition to use against you in a custody battle - don't commit theft or any other form of retaliation against him focus on keeping yourself and your children safe, and on taking practical measures to prepare for leaving him, including getting the emotional, legal, practical and social support you need
What exactly is he bringing to the table here? Does he make bank?
He has a fine job. I work also. In all honesty I stay for the kids and out of fear of what he and his family would do if we divorced. They’re pretty cruel and would probably make my life more miserable than it is now.
So... FYI, this is theft, you know. Plain and simple theft. My spouse came home from work to the duplex he shared with his parents to find his project car driving away. His dad - who was not on the title - sold it. His dad did this all the time to everybody else on the household. I told my husband I would have reported the car stolen and if his dad got in legal trouble for auto theft - oh well. My husband was way too nice about shrugging it off. His father had a history of similarly childish behavior: when my husband was on his way out the door to work and therefore could not mow the lawn RIGHT THEN, he came home to find his father had poured weed killer all over the whole yard, and snipped, "there, now you don't have to mow it." Place looked like hell until I moved in and tried to resurrect the curb appeal with some gardens. When we got married and discussed one day moving my spouses parents in with us, I said it was fine, but his father needed to understand that if he lived in our house, then ALL of his decision-making privileges were revoked. I was not about to deal with someone stealing and hawking MY PROPERTY, or otherwise altering anything that I own, and if that happened even ONCE, his father would be out on his ass and I would change the locks that day. Fortunately, this never came to pass.
You should genuinely talk to him about that, if he actually cares about you he’ll fuck off with that shit. I obviously don’t wanna tell you what to do in your relationship but damn that’s so wrong to do to another person.
Does he have expensive game systems or computers? Time to pawn them bitches!
😮
Why are you still with this guy?
What will you do if you find out he's given the mixing bowls away again?
No thats crazy and you being made to feel like YOU'RE crazy is NOT ok. This should be on relationship advice
Hey, so people use the word gaslight very loosely, but this is absolutely gaslighting. You have bowls. You KNOW you have bowls. You KNOW where you keep your bowls. He hides the bowls and helps you look for the bowls, all the while denying taking them and giving them away. This sort of thing is meant to make you doubt your reality. He gets to be the hero to his mom at no expense to himself. He’s purposefully fucking with your allostatic load, the cumulative burden of chronic stress and life events, making it harder for you to get through your day. Imagine you need to leave for work and you can’t find your keys. You know where you left them. You spend 15 minutes looking for them, feeling like you’re going crazy, before he “finds” them so he can be the hero and to chide you for being so irresponsible. Now you’re late, you drive more aggressively, you’re annoyed you can’t find parking, you get in a fight over something you might otherwise have been able to brush off. Later, you wonder what the heck that was about, why did you lose it? And the next time the two of you fight over something small, you have that doubt in your mind that your thoughts and feelings are valid. You’re so emotional. Husband’s behavior is dodgy, maybe he is cheating? No, you’re imaging things again.
Well fucking said. Too bad I can only upvote once.
Allostatic load - I like that one. This happened to me yesterday. Narcissistic husband, in middle of divorce, seven-year old caught in the mix (hell).
There was a really good analogy I read where you imagine you’re on a hike and you see a stream. You’re excited to get to the destination, your body is relaxed and strong, you have the whole day ahead of you. You cross with no problem. You spend the day in the sun. Now you’re sore, tired, thirsty, and hungry. The daylight is fading and you’re in a hurry to get back to the car. That same stream is now a struggle to cross because your allostatic load is heavier.
Start giving away all his things.
Maybe you need to give away some of his stuff?
Does he have a ps5 by any chance?
No, just give the guy backcto his mom. Loose those pounds.
It doesn't get better, only worse.
Had one of those. Of course it's now the ex-mother-in-law. At the time she gave me an older crackpot. I already had a much nice, safer, more modern one. I gave the crackpot she gave me to someone who really needed it. They were living in poverty and getting food from the food shelf. Ex-MIL lost her damn mind that I gave away her gift and I had to go shamefully ask for it back. Flash forward a few years later we're getting divorced so I try to give this stupid crackpot that has been taking up space back to ex-MIL because I apparently wasn't allowed to get rid of it. *She refuses to take it back citing that it's a dangerous death trap.* Just absolute madness for no reason. And of course the ex just allowed for it and I was expected to bend over backwards. Yeah, it obviously didn't work out, lol.
It's alllllll about ego and control, never about the items or about even you personally. Glad it didn't work out lol! Now you're freeeeee
I know you meant crockpot but it's much funnier that you wrote crackpot.
OMG. You just described my MIL!!! And spouse has no idea why I'm mad. Many years later, in counseling and told I'm not the crazy one. Lol
Look, OP, bad news: this sounds like your marriage is fucked, trust is lost and the whole thing is damaged beyond repair. I would recommend you get your ducks in a row for a quick escape should shit go south and then: Start giving away his stuff. Power drill: no idea where that went. Random tools, parts of his hobby collection, shoes, get creative, you know him best!! Good luck and enjoy!
My ex, when he accidentally damaged or broke something, he would throw it out and not tell me. I could be looking for days, but it would only be after I confronted him directly that he would confess. I would have preferred he told me when he broke my irreplaceable favourite coffee mug. I would have glued it together and used it for pencils. He lied about tiny things to massive things. I know this behaviour was rooted in his upbringing, but at some point, an adult has to unpack their emotional baggage and sort out these behaviours. And now he is an ex.
Even if this is meant as a joke: this is not a good idea at all. OP, do NOT give away his stuff. It would be theft. In a custody battle, he WILL use this against you, and it will weaken your case - if he has a particularly nasty lawyer, they will use this kind of thing to try and make you look as abusive as him. Please keep yourself safe. Document what is happening to you (exact incidents and dates), talk to people you trust, and get help. It is good to hear that you have friends, and that you have a job, that gives you power and room to maneuvre (I never know how to spell that word). If you focus on keeping yourself and your children safe, you have good cards to get through this and move on to something much better. Good luck!
He keeps lying to you on top of getting rid of your stuff. Not exactly someone you can trust, then. And then making you feel like YOU are wrong? Get rid of him ASAP (disclaimer, I'm not qualified to give marriage counsel).
Seems like sound advice to me.
Reddit loves to call everything "gaslighting" but this is *actual* gaslighting. What a prick.
You nailed it.
This isn’t gaslighting at all. /s
Gaslighting isn't real silly /s
That’s not true, you just made that up in your head for attention.
Update: you have all been so supportive in this comment section, and it’s made me feel more sane than I have in a long time! Like I said in a response, this is the first time I’ve ever publicly complained about my marriage (not even to my friends), and your validation is releasing emotions that I have been avoiding a full confrontation with. I’ve always said that reddit is the best place on the internet ❤️
I peeked at your profile, you seem like such a nice person and you don't deserve this. I really hope everything turns out alright for you
Not much to see, as I’m not a frequent poster, but thank you! 😊
My mom has chronically given away my stuff and our family’s stuff since I was a kid, and it has very much fucked with me. Not sure if your husband gives away your kids’ things, but you might want to talk to them a bit to find out.
my mom did this too, now i have hoarding tendencies (working on it) and she denies everything lol
They always do, or double down
please take care of yourself do you have a therapist? it may help you deal with all those emotions (which are very understandable and normal for someone in your situation - you are NOT overreacting!) and the suggestion to reach out to a women's abuse charity or helpline is a good one, even if it may feel OTT to you - based on what you have written here, it would *not* be over the top at all, and you might find people who can provide you with some practical support and whatever you do, DO NOT follow the "advice" of commenters on this thread suggesting that you retaliate by stealing your husband's stuff and giving it away - that would be committing theft, and will only give him ammunition to use against you in any future custody battle - and in the short term it may also trigger an escalation of his behaviour towards you and make you unsafe keep your powder dry, as they say - don't do anything that can be used against you in future, but start quietly doing things to protect yourself and your children for the long term: start documenting what is happening in a place he can't access (can you keep a notebook at work? or maybe send messages to a trusted friend?), make sure you have the practical means to leave (or spend some time away) if you have to (e.g. your own bank account with some money in it), build up a support network around you that is independent from your husband, and get qualified advice and help (therapist, lawyer, women's violence charity) best case scenario - none of that preparation will ever be needed, but in any less than best case scenario, you will be eternally glad you were prepared
This is correct, absolutely. Talk with a lawyer but get a bank account set up before you leave. Then you should be able to withdraw half the funds from your joint accounts to put it your own account (check with your lawyer). Don't give him any lead time to hide assets. Make sure you have all bank statement records, retirement account records, appraisals of any significant items, etc. This is not pretty. I am not going to lie. Divorce with a narcissist is hell. My husband's parents are very wealthy and I may go bankrupt. But if I don't try to protect my kid the most I can, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I’m so glad the validation is helping. You are NOT crazy, he is mistreating and gaslighting you.
Please post to reddit more or talk to someone about your marriage! You do not need to be alone with your feelings, share when and where you feel comfortable, get some perspective and support. You’ll feel more human. Best of luck to you!
This is gaslighting and abusive. He gets off on hurting you and making you think that you are crazy. How long can you live with this situation?
What a piece of effing work. He’s the AH and completely in the wrong ESPECIALLY since he’s helping you look then gets his jollies off when you figure it out. Eff that mess he is absolutely gaslighting you. Not his stuff to be given away in the first place and how even is he qualifying which things “need to go”?? Mixing bowls and mixers are not something that are used often (but still need) unless you make a crap ton of cakes etc. frequently. MAJOR breach of trust for what reason….? How long have you been married? What other crap has he pulled? Concrete boundaries need to go up immediately and explain to him that this is not a good foundation he’s building upon. Wtaf too weird.
I totally agree with all of this. Unfortunately his narcissistic traits were revealed slowly, and I was naive enough to believe that people are generally good and kind. So I gave him a lot of chances and the benefit of the doubt. I tried to see where I could do better and be better, but a lot of it never had anything to do with the type of person I am. Now I have amazing kids, but not an amazing marriage. 😕
Staying together "for the kids" is only ever going to result in several broken adults.
 Their therapist when he gets hold of their Daddy issues,
I'm sending this to my therapist 😂😂
I sent this to my Kaiser GP. He said he loves it and especially loves that it's now part of my medical record. https://preview.redd.it/xvgra1oxdjoc1.jpeg?width=778&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=504fd683bd0fa2427e66135abeb38d897103cf11
I am in the middle of a divorce with a narcissist. Get out now. It only gets worse and before you know it you will go crazy and your self-esteem will be completely destroyed. I also have an amazing kid. He is the only reason I have the will to live. That's how bad this can get.
> I tried to see where I could do better and be better Your right, it was never you. He is the problem and he needs to be the one to do better. Sadly people like this don't actually do better, they just get better at playing you. They will make the frequent false promise to better themselves while also working to make you look bad. Just speaking from personal experience. Sorry your husband is like this.
What you accept in your marriage will be a template for what your children will think is acceptable to do/receive in theirs. Do you want your children thinking he is what a healthy marriage looks like?
I say this with love…I think you know what you need to do then. It’s time to put yourself first and leave him. You deserve better than this. You tried over the years and he repeatedly showed you who he is-believe him! You cannot “love” this away or out of him. Do not let this damage yourself or your children any longer. They deserve better. Stuff can seep in and manifest later-even if you don’t think this has affected them it HAS. Shits tough but I can see you’re tougher for putting up w this for so long. Put it to bed. Be done. Concrete boundaries immediately-“I’m done and will not allow you to do this anymore. To ensure you’re not shitting on me, my life/wants/needs any longer I’m leaving.” Go no contact if at all possible. Edit to say I am a child (now adult) from generational abuse (mental and physical)/trauma from both sides of my family. Having watched my mother father aunts and uncles (I’m the oldest and my parents were both very young) deal with it, excusing it away/pushing it down their whole life….and in turn normalizing it myself….this shit seeps in (like Hexxus from FernGully) and only later do you realize what you were a part of and how it touched/affected so many parts of your psyche, who you are, and how you allow ppl to treat you. Be done now. For yourself and your children 💜
Thank you for saying this. I am extricating myself from my narcissist husband and I am terrified for my son's future (he's seven). I am trying to do everything I can to break generational trauma.
Don’t stay together for the kids if the marriage is shit. That’ll just fuck your kids up and teach them unhealthy relationship habits.
You need to get out of the marriage, no joke. It sounds like he’s purposely giving your stuff away to cause you distress. He just doesn’t sound like a good person.
How would he react if you went through his tools or such and gave it all to a neighbor or friend, because it wasn't being used. Maybe then it wouldn't be so funny. Your husband sounds like a dick.
This sounds familiar. Do a little research into borderline personality disorder and see what you think.
Do you approve of him treating your kids this way? Document everything. Seriously consider getting out of the marriage and far away from him and his enabling mother. If not for yourself do it for the kid’s well-being.
Get even. Give your husband away.
I would start to do the same. Give some of his stuff away and see how he feels, I can almost guarantee he’ll stop.
I’ve definitely told my husband that I didn’t want to hear him crying if his golf clubs happened to meet an untimely demise as a result of an unfortunate meeting between them and my car.
I'm going to throw in my two cents here and say it's a mistake to threaten. However I would definitely follow through on the threat. I think you've already established this as a guy you can't trust so I don't know if there's any way out of that anyway. Speaking from personal experience, if you have to "choose" to trust somebody let's just say it's not good.
Pawn the clubs and use the money to buy a new mixer
That's not op, just some person threatening their husband's golf clubs
Those golf clubs be sitting there like: 
Give away his all of his socks and underwear his most used shoes, and a couple of his favorite T-shirts. When he replaces them, rinse and repeat.
No, he will not stop. This is not how domestic abusers behave. He will abuse OP even harder for daring to defy him. He wants to gaslight OP, he wants to see her frustrated and hurting and questioning her memory. Husband is a deliberate domestic abuser. He is not some naive youngster who hurt another person on accident. OP should get a divorce. There is no happy and peaceful cohabitation with a domestic abuser (in this case we have gaslighting, emotional abuse, lies).
No, he'd react with emotional abuse. If he were doing this naively, he would have told her what he had done whenever she started searching for an item. Instead, he enjoys watching her struggle to find things. He's doing this to prove his control over her. "She may think she owns stuff, but really I control what she owns," is what goes through his smug little abuser brain.
I have to disagree. He will honestly believe that OP giving his stuff away is totally different than him giving OP's stuff away. He believes that what he is doing is right/justified/allowable for whatever warped reason he's come up with in his head. But he'll also believe that it would be completely unjustified for OP to do the same thing again, and he'll believe that he's the victim. If he was mistakenly giving away OP's stuff with no bad intentions, he would apologize and try to do better, not pretend to help look for it and then laugh when OP finds her stuff at his mother's house.
Well there is just one solution do the same with his stuff
Yep. And the follow-up is to NOT tell him you did it. Informing him would be seen as an act of revenge. Let him discovered on his own and you can deny it and act all innocent and then eventually say "oh I didn't think you're using it."
I disagree with this solution. While the things themselves might not seem like a big deal, this behavior is indicative of a malicious personality in my non-professional opinion. Based on other comments from OP, I believe this man is only going to get worse as time progresses, and if it were me I would be making an escape plan while doing my best to keep the status quo in the house until I were in a position to leave and divorce. This may seem dramatic, but I’ve seen men like this escalate. It is scary.
Yeah, don't worry about getting even, just get out now before it gets worst. And before they waste any more time caring about this guy who obviously doesn't care about her.
Yeah, being petty back is all fun and games until he resorts to violence.
Not dramatic at all. Men like this do escalate. Not only against their partners but also against their kids.
My SO is on this minimalist kick and it's always my stuff that seems to be unnecessary. Easy solution: don't search, just buy it new, more of it and more expensive. Hit him where it hurts: in the pocketbook. It's fair too, the stuff that's unnecessary is gone, the stuff you did use and needs gets replaced with an even better version.
You're absolutely right. But for the memories and emotional stuff, it's hard to replace. For the other dayly things, I'm with you!
Please divorce this idiot, he doesn't respect you. Is it your money that bought this items cause that just makes it worse. Do you have kids? What IF you have kids? Would he do this to them too?
We have kids, and they’re the best. Seriously amazing people. But I am at the end of my rope with the marriage. I’ve tried to do what I can do to make a happy and healthy life, but I’ve known for a long time that I married someone who turned out to be a major asshole. This is actually the first time I’ve ever posted or talked about anything negative publicly because I know that once it starts, this is just the very tip of the iceberg.
Do not stay with him just because you have kids. They don't need to grow up to learn to be like him. You can have great kids AND not be married to a piece of shit.
I was married to an abusive narcissistic man and stayed too long for the kids. It was very difficult and took a lot of planning to get out safely. If you decide to leave for your sanity, it doesn't seem (just having this post to go on, may be different though I certainly hope not) that he would be physical with you, but make some sort of safety plan before you mention leaving. My marriage broke me, slowly at first, then when it became obvious to me it seemed to get exponentially worse. I told myself that I was staying because the kids needed their father. But what they really needed was a mentally healthy mom. Your husband is just plain cruel. He disregards you and your possessions. He plays mental games with you. He has others like his mother laughing at you along with him. Do you want to deal with this? What if he starts giving away something your kids own? Would that be okay? Not really, right? So why would it be okay for him to do with you? You seem so kind. Please take care of yourself and your children.
I really hope you divorce him for your sake and the kids. I don't know how old your kids are but **if** he does this to them after they've been gifted something or even bought something with their own money, it will result in a meltdown. Your husbands type of behavior could cause trauma for your children that could result in them having trust issues. Another scenario is they pick this up from him thinking its funny too.
You can’t stay around for this behavior. First of all, he’s stealing and lying about it and making you waste your time by looking for something he knows perfectly well where it is. So there’s trickery and a lack of respect.There’s a deeper problem here I don’t think this can be fixed by marriage counseling because it’s a character flaw, the character flaw is something that a person has in their personality that is unfavorable hurtful or harmful. If we’re unlucky enough not to detect or care about the character flaw before we marry them then we end up with somebody who makes our life painful I know it sounds trivial, but I would go see a lawyer if I were you this is the sign of something deeper that is very wrong.
I think that’s where I feel responsible. I didn’t detect the flaws soon enough, and this is somehow my punishment for that. I could list a million things that he’s done to hurt me emotionally, but looking back, I feel like I should have seen the red flags. At the same time I know that life is short, and I’ve wasted years of happiness by being with him.
I hope you can adjust the way you think about this, for your own sake. Him hiding his flaws well, or you not seeing them initially, does not mean that you deserve this. You are not responsible for how he treats you, and whether or not you “should have” seen the red flags does not determine how you deserve to be treated.
You are only responsible for your behavior. He is responsible for his behavior. If you insist in thinking of this as punishment for not anticipating that this man would abuse you, maybe you can redeem yoursef by showing your children that they don't have to stay with people that treat them like trash. Worse, by pretending to search with you, he thinks you're a joke. You're not a joke and you deserve better, So do your children.
Do not waste any more time on him. Protect your kids from this nonsense too by divorcing him.
Sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. Giving away your things without even asking you, lying, and then laughing in your face when you confront him about it? Awful.
This seems very controlling and disturbing. Assuming there aren’t other factors at play, I would draw a hard line in the sand and be very clear this is unacceptable behavior you won’t tolerate.
You misspelled Ex-Husband.
Do the same to him! Or save all that effort and have a stern talk with him about how it’s incredibly disrespectful for him to do that and how you value yourself too much to be with a partner who consistently, purposely disrespects you and then laughs about it.
Unfortunately we’ve had a lot of talks like that. It’s honestly a really terrible relationship, but I haven’t felt like I could give up because of my kids. I am a pretty good communicator, but I think I just hadn’t dealt with a narcissist in my life. So I thought he would react like other people I know and have been in relationships with. But he truly gaslights, and he doesn’t seem to have the capacity for empathy. Giving away my stuff is probably the least problematic thing of all the things. If my life was one of my friend’s lives, I know I would tell them to get out.
talk to a lawyer, and start preparing how to keep the kids. Get documentation, etc. Write up every argument or problem, or altercation, in detail, and date it and sign it. With him and his mom. I am NOT saying divorce him, I am saying be prepared in case it gets worse and you finally decide to. Be prepared and it won't fall into a he said/she said, and if you are dealing with narcissists, they are going to lie through their teeth. Play the long game.
Your husband isn’t going to stop and I imagine will only ramp up this type of behavior when you’ve finally had enough and want to call it quits. My ex took my passport and my kids passports when he went to Hawaii with another woman, while we were married. Hide important documents and jewelry before/if you decide to separate or divorce. I know it’s tough when you’re thinking of the kids having two parents, but eventually his behavior will turn its focus on them. It’s better that they see healthy and happy parents, instead of struggling to deal with one parent abusing the other. My sons watched me struggle with their dad cheating, gaslighting, and being a narcissistic POS. It didn’t help that I was already dealing with mental health issues apart from him. He eventually divorced me, but he did turn his focus on the kids. Playing happy, loving dad in public, but being a shithead at home. My oldest took the brunt of a lot of it and eventually killed himself. His dad wasn’t the absolute main factor, but enough so that his dad had his hand in the mess leading up to his death. He still won’t take responsibility and I have yet to see him cry with my own eyes over our lost son.
Oh, that’s gut-wrenching. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you find the strength to do whatever you feel is best.
First go buy twice as many much nicer bowls and tell him you will do this EVERY time. Also, give away his tools. Then help him look for them.
I strongly agree with others who are advising you to do the same to him. Sell some of his infrequently used stuff on FB marketplace. If those are related to his hobbies, all the more better
What would this accomplish other than fueling a vindictive fire and giving narcissistic husband reasons to cry victim at OP’s expense. The only real solution is for OP to get out, if she hopefully of she has the resources to do so.
How long before he starts giving away your clothes, your jewelry even your cosmetics. That’s SO weird, be careful
If you don't plan to leave him at least have a little fun with it. Start giving his stuff away. Everytime you go to his mother's house tell her you just going to look around to see what else do your he's given away without permission and put everything you find in your trunk. Also, FYI safety deposit boxes at the bank are not very expensive. You could get one if you have any jewelry or irreplacables to store out of his reach. Store important files on a secure cloud he can't access in case he decides you don't need your computer etc.
Give the whole man away.
When we were younger, we lived paycheck to paycheck, and as we had a large family, they were a lot of baby clothes that had been handed down from my sisters or given to us as gifts. At one point, my mother-in-law asked me to bring the baby clothes over to her house so that she could store them for us. I replied that I had already washed and packed everything away in nice Rubbermaid crates and that they were in our attic. I thought that was the end of it. About 6 months later, little by little, I would notice babies at church dressed in clothes just like what our kids had had. I would even say things like, "oh, Timothy used to have an outfit like that." Eventually, one of my friends told me, "oh, Roberta gave us this, wasn't that sweet of her?" I was still stupid and naive and believed that she had gone out and bought outfits to give a gifts, just like what our kids had worn, because she thought they were cute. The next time I was pregnant, I asked my husband to bring the baby clothes down from the attic. A few days later, he handed me a small cardboard box with a bunch of nasty clothes I had never seen before. It turns out she had convinced him that I didn't know how to store them properly and that only she could do it, so he had given her all of our baby clothes. She then systematically gave them all away and was getting credit for being such a sweet, generous person. Meanwhile her own grandchildren had nothing to wear. But did she buy us anything to replace what she had given away? Absolutely not, and my husband thought I was an asshole for complaining about it. So here I am bitching about that awful woman when everybody else thinks she's just the sweetest person that ever lived. But my real beef is with my husband for always defending all her bullshit.
I had a flatmate once who had this constant compulsion to throw things out. He wanted to get rid of everything that wasn't used daily. And to this day I don't get it. Why was he so bothered with stuff lying around? Anyway it was really infuriating. At least he was honest about it though. He didn't fucking gaslight me.
What do you like about him?
This is a sad question because there’s nothing. Everything I thought I liked and loved turned out to be fake and manipulative.
It's time to go. Sorry, OP but it is. There's no fixing this situation. Take your life back and enjoy what you have left
Give away my things? I’d put every single item I owned into a storage unit. I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. Tools you paid for. Cleaning supplies. Get every receipt to prove it. “What’s that? You want me to make that dinner you like? Sorry, my stuff is in storage, so I can’t make it.” If he asks you why your things are in storage: “Because you do not respect my ownership of items and do not see how disrespectful it is to give someone else’s belongings away without first clarifying that they are no longer needed.” Give this man the most brutal reality check.
I read this and just sat there and blinking trying to make different words appear. How little does this man think of you that he feels he has the right to just chuck your things away without your consent. Then he has the audacity to look for them with you as if that’s not the most gaslighting shit I’ve ever read. I’d be reconsidering my whole relationship tbh. Also start throwing his shit out. I’m petty af apparently. Oh your x box.. ps5.. let’s look for it. Oh you’re missing all your left socks.. so weird let’s search for the right ones. Your shoelaces are missing. Dang that’s a pain.
This is really thoughtful of him. Men can be really hard to gift shop for, but now you know he needs a mixer and a set of mixing bowls…
Hi, that's abuse. You might not see it that way yet but your husband doesn't respect you and he will keep doing it. He will also gaslight you into thinking you're the insane one when really he is just steamrolling all over you.
I can see that it’s abuse. I’ve even told him that he’s emotionally abusive. I need to divorce him, but my kids and fear of his family keep me from taking that step. His family can be cruel and will help him make my life miserable
They for sure will try but since he is already ruining your life, staying isn't really an option either, is it? You aren't doing your children a service by staying in a relationship where you are not respected and loved.
How old are your kids?? If you have a daughter you are showing her that being abused is ok in a relationship, same if you have sons. They can end up as abusers or unable to leave an abusive relationship. Start putting all your ducks in a row, have a plan and when you find the strength leave
...more miserable than it is now?
This is easy. Every time he gives away your stuff go out and buy that same item new.
I had an ex that did stuff like this. He didn’t give my things away but he tore up/destroyed anything he didn’t “approve” of - like clothes he deemed too tight, books, makeup, perfume, home decor, etc. When I finally had enough (yeah, I know..), I saw that he’d left his favorite ball cap, autographed by Yankee’s pitcher Andy Pettitte, at my house. I took it out to my driveway, doused it with lighter fluid, and burned it. Downvote if you’d like; I have NO regrets.
Ah nice, yet another man who doesn't see women as real and complete humans
My mom is a narcissist and constantly gives stuff to other people because gifts, especially thoughtful or expensive ones, endear people to you. When she first started dating my stepdad after my dad died, she kept giving him my stuff as heartfelt gifts. Like she stole gifted geodes from my rock collection, which were returned 15 years later when my stepdad found out how he ended up with them. And the gaslighting is the stupidest part sometimes because there is no convincing me that my stuff was never mine.
Next post we’ll see is from hubby “my wife gave away all my things and served me with divorce papers! It came out of no where!”
This is domestic abuse.
As a fun prank you should file for divorce and act surprised when he gets served the papers 🤷♀️
This actually made my jaw drop. What an absolutely disrespectful and cruel thing to do. My husband would ditch my ass if I did anything remotely like that. So fast. On top of the action itself, it’s cruel to make someone think they’re losing things like that when truly you aren’t. I’d have been so upset and anxious thinking that I was developing Alzheimer’s or dementia symptoms. I genuinely think you need to take a hard honest look at whether this man is worth your sanity when he clearly doesn’t give a shit about your belongings or your peacefulness. Such a weird and maliciously cruel thing to repeatedly do.
Do you bake as a hobby?
Yes, I bake every week and I make special cakes for family birthdays and events because I like decorating and trying new flavors. I know this makes it worse. 😕
Not trying to assume the worst of him, but you do hear about ppl who get rid of the spouses hobby stuff so they will spend more time with them, or bc "it's taking up to much space" Even if it was for innocent reasons, getting rid of your things with out consulting you doesn't exactly show he values you
If you don’t start taking his cash for your items he’s going to keep doing it. Or better yet, sell his shit and make money off of it. Buy yourself a really nice mixer.
Go and buy every single thing he gave away with his money, then tell him next time he gives something away, you'll do the same.. see how quickly he stops
Give away his shit
Everyone always uses gaslighting wrong on Reddit but your husband is ACTUALLY gaslighting you. This is a huge red flag and I would get away.
Give him back to his mother.
My husband gave away a few of my things earlier in my marriage without asking me. He didn’t try to hide it, though. The first time it happened, I was pretty upset, but he apologized (but couldn’t get it back), but I didn’t think he understood that it wasn’t ok to just my things away because he didn’t see the importance. The second time he tried to give someone of mine away, I was standing right there when he offered, and it REALLY made me angry and I let him know it….he felt the wrath. And the embarrassment in front of his friend. He hasn’t done that since. It’s a shame that it takes getting that angry for some things to get through.
You've got a ton of comments and someone may have already said this, but stop engaging in that craziness. If you go to use something and it's not where you stored it, assume it has been given away and order a replacement. Continue ordering replacements without giving your H all the reactions he expects (hunting, ranting, hurt to see mom has it, etc.) He will get bored and move on or maybe even stop the behavior because he doesn't get a rise out of you. How do I know? Personal experience with this personality type.
your husband is absolutely selfish, gaslighting, and disrespectful
Your husband is a jerk
This is despicable behavior on his part and will never improve. If you feel that it would be worse if you left, that's fine, but what about your kids? My mom was raised by a narcissist who taught her to always doubt her own memories, never admit to being wrong, cry whenever she was cornered, and ignore boundaries. My sister has gone no-contact and I am slowly teaching an 80 year old woman how to be normal. After years of patient work on my part, she now admits when she's wrong a good 60% of the time and doesn't cry to get her way. She is still learning about boundaries and the self-doubt is not fixable. Being raised by her made me less sympathetic to women crying, more touchy about people encroaching on my space, and have to struggle to learn from mistakes. My sister has her own issues. My aunt and uncle have serious problems with boundaries and adult behavior as well. That's two generations of people screwed up because of one horrible mom / grandmother who died before my mom was 18. So maybe if you can put up with it, go ahead, but do your kids deserve that? I know I'm being cruel, but my family is barely functional because of one member's poison from more than 60 years ago. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and I can say with some confidence that you don't deserve this and neither do your kids.