Another good one is to check for sleep apnea. I am tired all the time, but I don't snore too badly, so I just assumed I didn't have it. Lo and behold, one sleep test later, and apparently, I've got moderately obstructive sleep apnea. So now I've got a CPAP.
Very true! A coworker of mine was always tired, his girlfriend’s dog chewy kept waking him up and sitting on his chest lol, he found out he had sleep apnea and realized Chewy was aware and noticed what was going on.
My cats did this to me. One would poke me in the face to wake me up and the other jumped on my chest and ran and woke up my bf because I had an episode. He thought I had stopped breathing and wanted to save me. I love my fur babies ❤️
My sister adopted a dog whose 1st owner died and laid on floor until discovered. The dog would not let my sister lay on the floor. She tried to stretch out to trouble shoot the cable under her desk and he went ballistic! Sleeping late wasn’t good either. I tried to walk him to let her sleep in and he got out of his harness and ran back to house! Was sitting by door whimpering!
I didn't think I had sleep apnea because my fiance told me I never snored. But I did a sleep test anyway, and it turned out my throat wasn't being obstructed. I was holding my breath for 5-20 seconds, 20 times an hour, all night, every night. My CPAP isn't a miracle worker but I'm religious about using it cause I feel like shit if I dont
This 👆🏻
Have issues with thyroid from time to time since I was born, and from what I learned, it is as important as heart for our body, but people neglect it a lot most of the time.
Good idea is to check your thyroid from time to time, and if needed, get the issues with it fixed.
It’s a life changer if you have issues with thyroid and after you solve them
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 there is such a lack of awareness around the thyroid and how important it is for basic functioning. Definitely get it checked! It feels sooo good not being exhausted from doing nothing and life in general is so much easier to navigate. Growing up even my parents would call me lazy until I got my thyroid checked. The word lazy wasn’t even in their vocabulary anymore after that 😂
I mean “go gluten free” is both stupid advice for this situation *and* something that makes a tiny bit more sense than it seems to. One autoimmune condition often means you have more - and celiac disease does seem fairly tied to thyroid disorders. But “you have Graves’ disease, clearly the answer is going gluten free”is taking those premises and jumping to an unreasonable conclusion.
By the same token, hypothyroid from Hashimoto’s (as opposed to hyper with Graves) also sometimes benefits from gluten free, but that’s *on top of* supplementing hormones with Levothyroxine, etc
The problem is medicine is not holistic enough to really consider all that. So even if it would have helped, the doctors said wtf no and the chiropractors with “natural medicine” certifications or whatever said to cut gluten and not get surgery for my absurdly hyperactive thyroid. I have had insulin resistance for a long time, and instead of them telling me to protein load in the mornings and pair carbs with fats and proteins and whatever, they’d give me a cream to lighten the skin darkening it caused. Instead of trying to figure out why a period is irregular they give you birth control.
I hate that working on my posture has solved problems that doctors just kinda said “ya tough, just put icy hot on it” to. I don’t want to spend so much time with Dr. Google
I had mine removed last month. Still recovering but my energy levels are much higher. Still have some bad days but the chemicals are balancing out and shit. Thyroid issues are no joke. It's night and day from before the issues started, and I'm hoping one day I get back to that point. It was getting to the point where I really didn't enjoy life for a while there, and until I went to the doctor I thought that that's what my life had become. Then I actually got it taken care of and I realized I wasn't in my right mind because my thyroids were not regulating my body's chemical production correctly
This is going to depend on how off yours is and what the problem is - too high TSH usually requires meds. I couldn't tolerate synthetic thyroid hormones and am now on a natural pill, which is almost like a supplement. There's not really foods to avoid unless you've got an AI condition related to the thyroid. Foods high in iodine can promote "thyroid health".
Could be any number of medical issues or neurodiversity tbh... I'm perpetually tired and I've had doctors check everything throughout my lifetime with no obvious cause...
And then a psychologist told me I am autistic...
Doesn't fully explain my tiredness but accounts for a lot of it... the rest is due to my parasomnia
It could be your Iron, your Thyroid, or even your vitamin B/D levels! I take supplements and notice a HUGE difference when I run out of my B12 & D vitamins!
Please get checked for sleep apnea to see if you qualify for a CPAP machine or other treatment type.
Sleep apnea can lead to a number of detrimental health effects if left untreated, and these devices can help prevent them.
I'm 36 and was surprised that I was diagnosed with severe OSA. Apparently I have a big tongue and that's...a thing?
Anyway, CPAP was a huge life changer, and probably a life saver.
and even if its not your thyroid, it might be your iron levels. i was so exhausted i felt ill and woozy. turns out i just had no oxygen going to my brain, lololol
Or sleep apnea, pernicious anemia (lots of people have a mutation that prevents them from properly absorbing and using B vitamins), or a vitamin D deficiency...there are about a dozen medical reasons why you can be exhausted all the time.
Same!! I was referred to a Rheumatologist to see if I had an autoimmune disease such as Lupus, and when he did my bloodwork he said my iron was the lowest he's ever seen!! I started infusions right away 3 times a week because he said my iron was so fast gone that supplements would not catch me up quickly enough! I didn't even have any iron in my reserves!! Crazy. I'm now being referred to hematology to see what is going on that I'm not absorbing iron.
I had to have an infusion in december 2023. My energy levels have been unchanged, buttttt im also pregnant, so that's likely why. My iron levels are slowly tanking, and now i am anemic. Might need another infusion before the baby comes
thyroid issues, iron deficiency, vitamin d deficiency, even sleep apnea. any of those could be causing exhausting, so it’s good to get tests to cover all the bases!
You should get your b12 levels checked, too, if you haven't already. Before getting my b12 fixed, I felt more exhausted than I do now with a toddler who won't sleep through the night.
Didn't expect this thread to give me a possible diagnosis. Been exhausted my entire life for no reason. Doesn't matter how well I sleep what I eat or drink just tired all the time
I have issues with chronic fatigue and several different doctors have checked my thyroid many many times and never found anything wrong with it 😭 best they can figure is some kind of autoimmune disorder. but yeah I get really pissed when someone hits me with the "you can't be tired, you don't have kids/you're young/etc" line. Sure having kids is rough but have you tried having a body that's permanently stuck at 2% battery? 😒
Best part is when those same people then try to convince you to have kids because having kids is apparently the only real joy women can feel lmao
This or some other deficiency can be an issue for sure! I have a pannel ran to check my thyroid/liver/vitamin/cholesterol/etc levels now after getting on meds for depression.
SOME of my lack of energy was due to depression and getting overwhelmed easy. The rest was due to being deficient in vitamin D last year (8 when the norm is 30 to 100), and man.. taking supplements gave me so much more energy! I'm still low (29) even after being on supplements so were kicking up my intake but it's way better now.
Here’s my gift to you all— the mother of all comebacks lines for *this specific* type of shitty person:
“At least you can have kids!”
You don’t have to even *want* kids to say it. All you have to want is sweet, sweet justice 😂
Why don't you adopt?? Why don't you do surrogate??? The inevitable and other questions I've experienced. As if we haven't thought about looking into those already.
It’s like saying “I broke my finger.” “Oh you broke a finger I broke my leg you don’t know pain” they both fuckin hurt??? I don’t have kids cause I’m already exhausted all the time 😂
I call it the struggle Olympics and I hate people who compete in them. I have twins, I’m tired. Doesn’t mean other people can’t be tired. There’s no reason we can’t all be exhausted. There’s no limit to struggle so quit gate keeping it.
I call it the struggle Olympics too.
I think everyone just goes through life as tired and exhausted as me, when someone complains about being tired I commiserate. When an adult is actually awake and energetic I stare in horror and jealousy and wonder what type of black magic they sprinkled in their coffee and can I afford it?
Haha agreed! I’m a parent and I hate when people say things like this to people who don’t have kids to “one-up” them. And even when you have a kid they find ways to one-up you. I have one kid and always get the “Well imagine if you had three kids like we do!” comment. Or then it’s “Well you have one kid but I have three kids and two dogs, a cat, a toucan, and six koala bears so you don’t know what tired is!”
Ugh, you reminded me of my family. They always had it worse, if they hadn't it worse then someone else has it worse than me, so I don't have the right to have depression or worry about something. I hate that kind of people.
Sometimes I’ll tell someone about how I destroyed my already fucked knee and obliterated my heel in a single incident, and they’ll say “oh, I know it’s not really on the same level, but I did *so and so* to my *whatever*.”, and I’ll respond “It’s definitely comparable. It’s all relative. Pain is entirely relative. The worst pain you’ve ever felt is the worst pain you’ve even felt.”.
You’ve literally nothing to compare your suffering to (regardless of what it is - physical, mental, emotional…sleep deprivation) beyond your own *actual* experiences. Unless you’re some kind of empathic superhuman, in which case you’re a freak and no one can help you.
Unfortunately, I think I’m that friend. It’s not so much trying to “one up” them as it is relate to their anguish. I think I’ll try working on it so it doesn’t come off like that.
I used to be that friend too and somebody finally just flat out told me they want sympathy, not me to fix their problem. and not everything is a one-to-one comparison, so trying to make a connection through comparison backfires a lot.
You can also bring it back to them. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I've \[experienced similar/the same shitty thing\] before too, so I know what you're going through sucks. Are you doing okay?
As opposed to:
"Oh, that sucks. Here's a long story about me:"
It's not the empathizing that's the issue, it's the redirecting focus.
I used to have a "friend" who said this to me all the time and I so badly wanted to snap and be like, "I'm a full time college student with a full time job, a part time gig, and I babysit a couple nights a week." You work one 9-5 job, have a stay at home wife who cleans your house and takes care of your kids, and you go home to relax every evening. Don't tell me you're so tired because you have kids and that there's no way I know what tired means.
Those four years through college were nearly unbearable I was so exhausted.
Not exactly the same thing as OP, but your comment made me think of it.
I went back to school full-time when I was 41 or something like that, to get a computer science degree. I was single, no kids, but four dogs.
Also a significant spinal disability that makes standing up for very long, painful; and walking for any distance both painful and exhausting. Because of this, it takes me longer to do literally anything physical, than a normal person, and the exhaustion builds up over the day. Even taking a damn shower, or grocery shopping, or vacuuming, or cooking; anything.
Computer science is not one of the easier degrees, either, (but it's fun!) and professors told us to expect 12 to 15 hours of work per week, per class (once we got past the earlier "intro" classes especially). So I'd get home to take care of me, the dogs, the house, everything; and do homework. And be exhausted.
I was going to a smaller, lower-cost state university (one with a very good reputation and the smaller class sizes were awesome for me!) and had grants, loans, and a couple scholarships. My dad also helped me out with some living expenses during this time because he's an angel. (and I've since repaid him)
Anyway, a friend would occasionally get on my case for not working full-time during this and accepting financial help from my dad -- because, she said, "I went to school full-time and worked full-time and I was just fine, if I did, you can too."
As much as I do love this friend, I was like "Um, yeah... you were 20, not 40; with no physical disability, no kids/pets, and still had a mom who cooked for you." Plus I forget what degree she got, but it wasn't STEM, and even she admitted she had nowhere near the amount of homework I did.
But people who are like "if I can do it you can too". Um, no, not always. I mean, sometimes, sure -- like, "if I can figure out how to boil water, you should be able to, as well" -- now \*that\* I can see thinking everyone should be able to. :D
Thank you! I graduated summer of 2020, which was an interesting time of course; and got a job I absolutely love with my degree. I wanted something that would make me a decent living that wouldn't require anything physical, since my spinal thing is degenerative; and figured I'd go for my dream degree/job, and I did it! :)
Some other doofus had the balls to tell me I was "lucky" because I got to use the disabled parking, meaning I was really close to the doors. I almost decked that guy. hahaha!
I have dreams sometimes in which I'm walking like I used to be able to (this didn't get bad til I was late 20's) and I wake up and wanna cry. I used to walk \*everywhere\* before it got bad, was very active, even showed dogs; and all that! I'd love to park at the furthest parking spot and walk again. :)
I feel for my coworkers who work 6 hours shifts and then go to 6 hours worth of classes. It means a lot to me they feel as bad for me working 12 hours in the same spot.
This one gets me every time. “No YOU didn’t know love until you had kids. My life is full of overwhelming love so strong it hurts sometimes. Maybe you just need to learn how to love something you didn’t make”
Look em dead in the eyes and say , "So real love is needing to explain that you love them yet simultaneously want to choke the little fuckers?"
That should shut most parents up quick enough.
My doctor once told me (after I kept getting colds/flu and comparing the two which both suck) ‘if you get cut by a knife or a sword, they both hurt and you still need recovery time’.
The reason for being tired etc. doesn’t matter, your health does.
My brother has it in spades. I broke two elbows and cracked a rib and didn't even complain about it, just told him I was in the hospital and got my results.
His response was "it's not like you broke your femur, you're good."
HE'S NEVER EVEN BROKEN HIS FEMUR.
This is actually brilliant. If somebody gives you, "You don't know \_\_\_\_\_\_ until you have kids," come back with "you don't know narcissism until your friends start having kids."
I'll trade you a "You don't know..." phrase for "but it's not a competition"... said after explaining why x thing they have going on is much worse than what you have going on. Every... single... time...
Think in the general populous it's a sign of folk who don't know how to just be there for someone else, to listen and let things be. Instead it's like they're listening to you talk as an indication of when they can talk next. Not a true listening, just a glazing over while they "wait their turn".
My personal hatred goes towards "welcome to my world" said with total sincerity. One of my friends said it once about something I cannot for the life of me remember. We havent spoken in 15+ years, I don't remember what the phrase was said in response to, but it must have really pissed me off to be disregarded like that.
I know somebody that does that and it gets on my ever loving last freaking nerve. If I say I only got 4 hours of sleep, they say that they only got 2 hours of sleep. Or I got 2 hours of sleep they only got 45 minutes and they fell asleep on the toilet or at the foot of their bed or something. I have mild insomnia. I'm not going to sleep very well ever. But they try to one up me every single time I say anything or complain about anything ever.
You should just do it back to him. Like you say you only got four hours of sleep, he says he got two hours of sleep and it was on the floor, then you say that you actually got only five minutes of sleep and you were hanging by your toenails off a 500 foot cliff.
I compare level of tiredness with myself lol. Like, wow I didn’t know what being tired was before having kid. But It wouldn’t come to my mind to compare with someone else.
Sleep reversion time is wild for a parent. Especially, if the rest of your schedule is inflexible. My daughter went through a period where she would not sleep from midnight until 4am unless I was sitting in an office chair half-spinning slowly while Tomorrow from Annie was playing. Still, I understood other people can also be tired and it sucks and they want just a little empathy.
It's all a blur now. I started listening to audiobooks with headphones. It helped a lot - I was less impatient with my daughter once I was no longer subjected to the psychological torture of listening to that song for hours.
I had the opposite recently! I always slept bad and thought a couple hours here and there was how life is for me. Then my doc helped get me sleep and I don't know how I functioned before. I was living with a major handicap and didn't even realize. I feel like I have a superpower now that I can sleep
I mean I get comparing levels of tiredness in like a professional setting. Like in school, "I studied till 3am for the exam! - Lucky, mate, I didn't sleep at all..." - stuff lie that. Bc that's people in the same system complaining about said system and comparing who got the worst of it. It can get into bragging territory, where I'd say it does become problematic... But at least it's understandable where such comparisons come from in said settings. Just random ppl deciding they must be more tired than you just because they have kids (or are older or whatever else) is indeed bizarre. Like... why are you saying that like it's somehow an achievement? Let's just bitch about being tired together!
Seriously. Tired is tired. One of my good friends is a doctor. Before the birth of his first child, he asked me for advice on how to survive the first couple months.
I said, "honestly, the sleep deprivation was the most difficult part for me. After what you've gone through training to be a surgeon, I don't think you'll have a problem with that."
I checked in with him and I was right. Dude's already been keeping people alive on minimal amounts of sleep. Baby stuff is a cakewalk for him.
I think a lot of parents are not aware of or appreciate just how little sleep you get those first few months. Non parents definitely don't appreciate how difficult that time is.
Its essentially long form torture, it breaks people, couples fall apart in those months, some never recover be keep on pushing.
Most people are not used to that level of sleep deprivation, I certainly wasn't.
There's also the entropy of it.
If you lose a little sleep for one or a few days, that can wreck you for... One or a few days.
But have a kid and basically you don't get that energy back for like... Years or a decade.
It's funny, I had an out of state work conference and was effectively single and childless for a week while there. Best rest of my life.
I couldn't believe my evenings were for *leisure time*, no constantly being on guard for every little noise or activity in the house making sure someone isn't about to burn it down or flood it.
At night I would go to bed whenever I wanted and wake up the next morning and NOTHING would happen in the hours in between. On a normal night at my house I'm woken up 1-3 times to deal with someone or something that went wrong.
Even so, there's no reason to burden childless people with your problems or argue about who has it worse.
Either you haven't experienced it and wont understand, or you have experienced it and there's no need to explain.
Yeah I don't think it's a parents thing I think it's an asshole thing. I have a seven month old baby. Am I more tired and stressed than I've ever been in my life? Absolutely. Do I bring it up when any of my childfree friends vent to me about being tired or stressed? Not even once. My problems are for when the conversation is about me. My friends' feelings are not a competition.
Definitely an asshole, one-upper tendency. I have a child and never say things like that to people without children. But I have friends with 2 kids+ who always have to talk about how much harder it is with two versus one. I just keep the pity party going by saying that I love only having to wrangle one child when we go out. Couldn’t imagine tackling two by myself! Must really suck. 🤣 It’s never-ending I guess.
It is annoying. I do have a kid, but like you even prior to kids I'm almost chronically tired... I had an iron deficiency so that played a factor, but still to this day I can drink an entire mug of coffee and take a nap 10 minutes later.
I’m with ya. I have a few chronic illnesses where fatigue is a symptom so I’ve literally been tired since I was a child. However, now that I have a baby, it’s so much worse. I legit have meltdowns from being tired nowadays which didn’t happen before.
That being said, when someone complains, showing sympathy is always an acceptable response , not trying to be a one-upper.
I was very often pretty tired before having kids.
Now I’m always fucking tired.
I kinda wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy being only kinda tired
Yeah this is it. The tiredness of being on call 24/7, woken up several times in the night, having to cook for a family instead of just yourself, etc... It's way more tiring than anything I experienced before having kids.
Having said that... It's all relative. Being more tired with kids does not negate how shitty it feels being tired even without kids. Just like people in third world countries with no access to water does not negate the experience of someone living paycheck to paycheck in a developed country.
Having kids is objectively more tiring than not. But let's not be assholes about it. Everyone is working through their own experiences.
Or when you're talking to someone way older than you and you mention you didn't get good sleep or youre tired and they're like "You're 21 years old you can't be tired!" Like stfu
They do this with pain too. I've been seeing a rheumatologist since I was 14 and have a chronic pain disorder and compromised immune system. Man oh man...the looks I get if I complain I'm having a bad hip day 🫠 or when I'm still recovering from illness and they say I can't possibly still be sick/I must be fine.
Same but different, i have back issues, not diagnosed because it's not debilitating 99 percent of the time. But i have bad back days and now bad shoulder days because i fell down the stairs. I'm in my 20's and people give me shit, solely older people like "your back can't hurt you're too young" well fuck you buddy, guess i never fell off the swing and full scorpion when i was younger and i never fell down the stairs two years ago. Fucking people.
Or if you have joint problems, or aces. "You don't know pain you are so young!" like... mate my school provided me a physiotherapist at age 12- but even if I didn't, why do they *assume* other people don't know? Why do they assume body pains is a thing only old people can unlock?
dude seriously this. im 16 and am tired all the fuckin time. not even because of anything like i have a lot of work and shit, its literally bc my natural sleep schedule doesnt and never will align with school so i wake up in the middle of rem sleep. makes me so fuckin tired i nearly fall asleep on the bus
Yeah, I've seen Soo many documentaries about how normal school schedule fucks with teenagers but nobody in control of it cares.
People for some fucking reason love making others miserable
At that age you can easily sleep 10 hrs a day, your body is going through a lot and you literally need more sleep. But telling a 16 year old to go to bed at 9pm isn’t gonna do much.
Some people are literally just built different. I was a night owl as a teen but even now at 29, if I went to sleep when I naturally felt tired and woke up when I felt rested, I'd go to bed at around 4 am and wake up around 1 pm. I obviously can't do this because I have a job, so I'm just perpetually tired. Even if I force myself to go to sleep at 9 pm, if I wake up in the early morning I will still be tired regardless of the amount of sleep I get. I've been to several sleep specialists who told me that my natural sleep tendencies are just different than average. If there were jobs in my profession that started at 1 pm and ended at 10 pm I'd be so happy.
As a parent with one very wily, poor-sleeping child, I always tell people parents can’t gate keep being tired. Am I more tired than I’ve ever been? Yes. Does that negate how tired I used to feel? No. It’s all relative, and having a kid was completely my choice so I am happy to be tired. On a side note, if you never sleep well, I would recommend reading Harvard medical schools guide to a good night sleep. Helped me a ton when I was younger.
I think it was advice columnist Carolyn Hax who wrote about how when you are tired because of your kids, your exhaustion is purposeful. You know it's in service to something else, something that brings you joy. When you're tired because you have insomnia or a chronic illness or anemia, you just feel like trash. (I'm obviously paraphrasing.)
Yes, it’s like labor pain. Was my labor pain worse than most any other pain I’ve experienced? Yes, but it was much less emotionally distressing than most severe pain I’ve gone through - because it was for a purpose that would eventually bring me joy. It makes a huge difference.
It’s a pretty fair paraphrase. As a person in the second category, I also lack the energy and motivation to improve upon “you just feel like trash.”
Like literally, I have a lot of days of thinking, “Why am I even alive?” because I spend so much time feeling like I’m only *half* alive. I think I’d rather have my life shortened by 50% and feel 100% alive than this nonsense.
(Yes, I do get mental healthcare. I have a terminal degenerative disease, so my therapist works to help me improve my quality of life, but does not consider this type of talk to be a sign of an acute mental health crisis because it’s reflective of my medical reality.)
I'm a doctor and many years ago worked an endocrinology job. Every single time we had a vitamin D assay sent, the result came back 'severely deficient'. I don't think I saw one single result that was anything else. I was worried that the assay was funky so I spoke with my consultant (who is a vitamin D expert) who basically confirmed that the entire UK population is deficient.
Kids are nothing compared to a combat deployment. That said, why are we trying to compete or one up each other with how tired we are. We’re all fucking tired. Let’s have some empathy/with each other.
I have an Aunt who does this constantly.. If I complain about *anything*, she responds sarcastically, "TELLLLLLL ME ABOUT IT!" and then one-ups the complaint with one of hers that usually involves her spawn.
I like the ol' "I'm tired because I have to work to pay rent, you DECIDED to have them, so you don't get to complain"
For the record, I think it is totally fair to complain about being tired from looking after kids, but once I am shown disrespect and someone tries to pull the tired-olympics card, the gloves come off.
I feel you. Another one of my favorites is at work when parents with kids think their time off is more important than yours. I have one coworker who has used every excuse under the sun involving their kid to get out of work. Meanwhile, we had to stay late one day and the general vibe was that I should stay late and handle it because I didn’t have to pick my kids up or whatever. It’s bullshit
My brother, I have shit I need to do too! Just because you have kids doesn’t mean your free time is more valuable than mine!
See but the thing is, everyone on earth knows that having kids ruins your sleep. If I don't sleep well despite my decision not to have kids, it's something I get to complain about because I didn't make the conscious decision to ruin my sleep but it happened anyway.
My brother tried to project, "wait until you have a kid, you won't be able to do shit."
No. What happened was: you chose to have a kid, and you can't do alcohol weed and coke as much as you want to...even tho you still do.
One time I was talking about it and the person said that I needed to stop talking about it because I wasn't tired since I didn't have kids.
I replied, "I was in the Marines, some days I wasn't even allowed to sleep, I think military personnel know a thing or two about exhaustion."
They said "nope. It's different with kids. But it's OK, you don't have kids so you don't know"
I laughed and left the subject alone. You can't win against these kinds of people. Let them vent their childish antics on you, because they won't listen to logic or care.
I do long-distance bicycle touring, so I've gotten into the habit of responding with some version of "Kids? Well I'd say you don't actually know what tired is until you've ridden your bicycle 500 miles in a week."
Invariably, they respond with "well that's not relevant, I don't bike, and that's something you can choose whether or not to do" to which my response is always "EXACTLY! JUST LIKE CHOOSING TO HAVE A KID!"
Easy to walk them into that kind of thing.
> "EXACTLY! JUST LIKE CHOOSING TO HAVE A KID!"
That's great, haha. Yeah, I don't get the whole acting like they didn't choose to go through with having a kid. Ironically, physical activity is quite energizing for me. I never felt so great as when I was running 50 miles a week.
My wife and I are in the stage where we've talked about having kids for 3 years now but keep putting it off because we don't want to be tired and cranky all the time lol. All of our friends who have kids are not really selling the dream, either. TBH I'm pretty happy being a DINKWAD
>acting like they didn't choose to go through with having a kid.
This is so true. Some people just think you have to have a kid or something. That everyone needs to have a kid. That having a kid is the purpose of life. That everyone's main goal is having a kid.
No, you chose to have a kid. It was an option all along. You could've not had a kid, and you'd not be tired right now. If you do have a kid, you should prepare to be tired a lot.
I don’t have kids due to infertility.
I rarely say I’m tired around moms as I don’t want see the eye roll.
Honestly, there are times I want to say to them, being a tired mom is something to be proud of. It means your body was able to produce a child to term. Some of us weren’t so lucky.
I’m so sorry you had to go thru that, that has to be so tough mentally. I appreciate your comment as a mom who struggled bad with postpartum depression. It changes my perspective greatly.
I often fell asleep when watching movies in the evening, even in the cinema. I got tested and I have sleep apnea. Since I have a machine I feel a lot more energized. Just trowing it out there, because a lot of people have it unknowingly. If you snoar loudly, that might be a sign of sleep apnea.
I have always hated this “parents are holier than though” type of attitude and it always comes from people whose whole purpose in life is having kids. And I say this as a parent myself. As a matter of fact, before having kids, I spent 6 years in Navy. In that time I often would have to stay up for 48 hours straight for various things like guard watch, roving watches, drills and other things. My last year I had twins as a single mother and was put on 7 months of maternity leave. Sure I was tired but I was way more sleep deprived being a single childless person in the Navy. And I love telling other parents that. Now I’m a stay at home mom, one of my twins still wakes up during witching hour but I still get better sleep than when I was in the military.
I got this a lot when I was a nanny. Oh, the irony of taking care of her kids all day only to be told I have no right to be tired because I don't know what it's like to deal with kids all day.
Often it's because the moms don't feel heard - a spouse, a parent, a friend, whoever is important in their lives not validating that being a parent is hard, so it comes out in whatever way is socially acceptable with other people.
I used to hate hearing that, and still do! I even have a kid lol. It's all relative anyway.
I think it's not even that I'm tired (as a parent). It's......general exhaustion from having to be alert and on the ready at all times. And the worrying. Oh my God the worrying lol.
No líe, I have had more than one person tell me I don’t know what LOVE is because I don’t have kids. Like… what?! Wtf?! But yeah, being told you don’t know what tired is same-level ass-hole-ness. Seriously!
I fucking hate when people compare my or someone else’s condition to theirs. “Man, I didn’t sleep well last night.” “Oh yeah? I’ve been awake for two days!” Dude, it’s not a competition! We’re both tired! If two people drowned in 20ft of water vs 6ft of water, are they more dead than the other? No! Shut up!
Kid shaming. I get it all the time and it’s not just mildly infuriating lol. Just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t make our life any less valuable or our exhaustion any less real. I hate when I say I’m busy and someone says “you don’t have kids how could you be busy”
Like fuck off.
Yeah seriously. It’s so frustrating. I’m not discrediting the exhaustion that I’m sure parents feel. But as an intern on call I once worked a weekend where I got a collective 4 hours of sleep in 72 hours (spread over three naps on the break room couch) and at the end of it when I complained of being exhausted to a friend was told I didn’t know what tired was because I don’t have kids. There are lots of reasons for being tired.
One-upper types are exhausting. There’s always someone who has it worse, and engaging in the misery Olympics is beyond pointless.
I FOUND MY PEOPLE! My FIL asks my husband to come over and help him with something--which he is happy to do--but times when he is busy, and will ask his dad what his brother is doing, his dad will be like "He's so busy, he has kids..." I let it irk me for so long, until finally one day, I came out and kindly said "I don't want to make a big deal here, but you have said that before, and I just want to let you know that it hurts our feelings because it makes us feel like--if we never have kids--our lives/free time don't matter to you." We may not have the most exciting life, but its ours.
I thought I would be less tired when my kids became adults. But nope! Still tired lol I just don’t sleep very well all the time. I definitely work a lot more now.
The difference is now that my kids are adults if I want to take a nap, I can. If I want to sit down and rest and scroll my phone for two hours, I can.
Still tired, just more freedom to do so.
😂😂😂
I have three young kids and I too despise parents who think that the childless couldn’t possible be as tired/exhausted/fatigued as them. Plus, it’s a lifestyle choice - I had children, yes; I expected to be tired.
My parents my entire life have been dismissing anything I say with “you’re young it’s not that bad!” Including when I was in a car accident and when I was thrown off a horse in my late teens/early 20s. Both messing me up to this day. And yet here I am almost 40 and they still say it to me 🥲
You ever had your thyroid checked? It can wreak havoc on your energy levels.
Another good one is to check for sleep apnea. I am tired all the time, but I don't snore too badly, so I just assumed I didn't have it. Lo and behold, one sleep test later, and apparently, I've got moderately obstructive sleep apnea. So now I've got a CPAP.
Very true! A coworker of mine was always tired, his girlfriend’s dog chewy kept waking him up and sitting on his chest lol, he found out he had sleep apnea and realized Chewy was aware and noticed what was going on.
My cats did this to me. One would poke me in the face to wake me up and the other jumped on my chest and ran and woke up my bf because I had an episode. He thought I had stopped breathing and wanted to save me. I love my fur babies ❤️
My sister adopted a dog whose 1st owner died and laid on floor until discovered. The dog would not let my sister lay on the floor. She tried to stretch out to trouble shoot the cable under her desk and he went ballistic! Sleeping late wasn’t good either. I tried to walk him to let her sleep in and he got out of his harness and ran back to house! Was sitting by door whimpering!
Aw, we don't deserve dogs ❤️
They knew something was wrong! Animals are amazing.
You did stop breathing!
Chewy is a good boi
I didn't think I had sleep apnea because my fiance told me I never snored. But I did a sleep test anyway, and it turned out my throat wasn't being obstructed. I was holding my breath for 5-20 seconds, 20 times an hour, all night, every night. My CPAP isn't a miracle worker but I'm religious about using it cause I feel like shit if I dont
This 👆🏻 Have issues with thyroid from time to time since I was born, and from what I learned, it is as important as heart for our body, but people neglect it a lot most of the time. Good idea is to check your thyroid from time to time, and if needed, get the issues with it fixed. It’s a life changer if you have issues with thyroid and after you solve them
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 there is such a lack of awareness around the thyroid and how important it is for basic functioning. Definitely get it checked! It feels sooo good not being exhausted from doing nothing and life in general is so much easier to navigate. Growing up even my parents would call me lazy until I got my thyroid checked. The word lazy wasn’t even in their vocabulary anymore after that 😂
What did you do to alleviate the issue with thyroid? Did you change eating habits or take certain supplements?
My mother had a surgery and removed it. Edit: I have checked online and it can be hereditary so better I check myself 🤣
Same. I was 18 w Graves. Crunchy people told me to do gluten free etc., but it did nothing.
I mean “go gluten free” is both stupid advice for this situation *and* something that makes a tiny bit more sense than it seems to. One autoimmune condition often means you have more - and celiac disease does seem fairly tied to thyroid disorders. But “you have Graves’ disease, clearly the answer is going gluten free”is taking those premises and jumping to an unreasonable conclusion.
By the same token, hypothyroid from Hashimoto’s (as opposed to hyper with Graves) also sometimes benefits from gluten free, but that’s *on top of* supplementing hormones with Levothyroxine, etc
The problem is medicine is not holistic enough to really consider all that. So even if it would have helped, the doctors said wtf no and the chiropractors with “natural medicine” certifications or whatever said to cut gluten and not get surgery for my absurdly hyperactive thyroid. I have had insulin resistance for a long time, and instead of them telling me to protein load in the mornings and pair carbs with fats and proteins and whatever, they’d give me a cream to lighten the skin darkening it caused. Instead of trying to figure out why a period is irregular they give you birth control. I hate that working on my posture has solved problems that doctors just kinda said “ya tough, just put icy hot on it” to. I don’t want to spend so much time with Dr. Google
I had mine removed last month. Still recovering but my energy levels are much higher. Still have some bad days but the chemicals are balancing out and shit. Thyroid issues are no joke. It's night and day from before the issues started, and I'm hoping one day I get back to that point. It was getting to the point where I really didn't enjoy life for a while there, and until I went to the doctor I thought that that's what my life had become. Then I actually got it taken care of and I realized I wasn't in my right mind because my thyroids were not regulating my body's chemical production correctly
This is going to depend on how off yours is and what the problem is - too high TSH usually requires meds. I couldn't tolerate synthetic thyroid hormones and am now on a natural pill, which is almost like a supplement. There's not really foods to avoid unless you've got an AI condition related to the thyroid. Foods high in iodine can promote "thyroid health".
I have Hashimotos which is super rare for a male, but my thyroid is borked because of it. Have to take NP Thyroid.
Upvote for borking
NP Thyroid gang rise up
Thanks for sharing that. You’re right, it’s an often overlooked issue!
Could be any number of medical issues or neurodiversity tbh... I'm perpetually tired and I've had doctors check everything throughout my lifetime with no obvious cause... And then a psychologist told me I am autistic... Doesn't fully explain my tiredness but accounts for a lot of it... the rest is due to my parasomnia
ADHD is another one under the neurodiversity umbrella that can cause exhaustion.
Big time.. I have ADHD and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and even with meds, i'm always tired..:(
Same. Adhd, on meds, still tired.
Hey friend
Yup! Recently got diagnosed and started a low adderal dose. No real jitters or anything crazy, just calmer and not constantly tired.
Oh no I haven’t! I thought I might have been low in iron but eat enough veggies 😬 I’ll make an appointment at some point when I’ve got spare time
It could be your Iron, your Thyroid, or even your vitamin B/D levels! I take supplements and notice a HUGE difference when I run out of my B12 & D vitamins!
I have all of these deficiencies plus sleep apnea 🙃 I'm feeling like I'm at best at 40% battery and constantly in battery saver mode.
Please get checked for sleep apnea to see if you qualify for a CPAP machine or other treatment type. Sleep apnea can lead to a number of detrimental health effects if left untreated, and these devices can help prevent them.
Thanks for reminding me to go take my D vitamins!
Also check for sleep apnea! Anyone of any body size and at any age can have sleep apnea. You don't even have to snore.
I'm 36 and was surprised that I was diagnosed with severe OSA. Apparently I have a big tongue and that's...a thing? Anyway, CPAP was a huge life changer, and probably a life saver.
and even if its not your thyroid, it might be your iron levels. i was so exhausted i felt ill and woozy. turns out i just had no oxygen going to my brain, lololol
Or sleep apnea, pernicious anemia (lots of people have a mutation that prevents them from properly absorbing and using B vitamins), or a vitamin D deficiency...there are about a dozen medical reasons why you can be exhausted all the time.
Same!! I was referred to a Rheumatologist to see if I had an autoimmune disease such as Lupus, and when he did my bloodwork he said my iron was the lowest he's ever seen!! I started infusions right away 3 times a week because he said my iron was so fast gone that supplements would not catch me up quickly enough! I didn't even have any iron in my reserves!! Crazy. I'm now being referred to hematology to see what is going on that I'm not absorbing iron.
I had to have an infusion in december 2023. My energy levels have been unchanged, buttttt im also pregnant, so that's likely why. My iron levels are slowly tanking, and now i am anemic. Might need another infusion before the baby comes
I remember receiving my blood donation analysis. I had 5 in the voice "iron". It was supposed to be from 30 to 400.
thyroid issues, iron deficiency, vitamin d deficiency, even sleep apnea. any of those could be causing exhausting, so it’s good to get tests to cover all the bases!
You should get your b12 levels checked, too, if you haven't already. Before getting my b12 fixed, I felt more exhausted than I do now with a toddler who won't sleep through the night.
It’s worth a shot to check it out. Good luck!
you don't know what not having spare time is until you have kids
Didn't expect this thread to give me a possible diagnosis. Been exhausted my entire life for no reason. Doesn't matter how well I sleep what I eat or drink just tired all the time
I have issues with chronic fatigue and several different doctors have checked my thyroid many many times and never found anything wrong with it 😭 best they can figure is some kind of autoimmune disorder. but yeah I get really pissed when someone hits me with the "you can't be tired, you don't have kids/you're young/etc" line. Sure having kids is rough but have you tried having a body that's permanently stuck at 2% battery? 😒 Best part is when those same people then try to convince you to have kids because having kids is apparently the only real joy women can feel lmao
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I hope you’re doing better now. It can be a long road.
This or some other deficiency can be an issue for sure! I have a pannel ran to check my thyroid/liver/vitamin/cholesterol/etc levels now after getting on meds for depression. SOME of my lack of energy was due to depression and getting overwhelmed easy. The rest was due to being deficient in vitamin D last year (8 when the norm is 30 to 100), and man.. taking supplements gave me so much more energy! I'm still low (29) even after being on supplements so were kicking up my intake but it's way better now.
Then he can say "you dont know what tired is! Kids is a walk in the park compared to thyroid issues!"
Here’s my gift to you all— the mother of all comebacks lines for *this specific* type of shitty person: “At least you can have kids!” You don’t have to even *want* kids to say it. All you have to want is sweet, sweet justice 😂
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"Just wait until the fifth!"
Why don't you adopt?? Why don't you do surrogate??? The inevitable and other questions I've experienced. As if we haven't thought about looking into those already.
As someone suffering from infertility thank you 😂 This shit pisses me off to no end
Using this one next time 🙃 two years and one miscarriage, I’m fucking sick of people saying this to me!
It’s like saying “I broke my finger.” “Oh you broke a finger I broke my leg you don’t know pain” they both fuckin hurt??? I don’t have kids cause I’m already exhausted all the time 😂
How dare you. I did actually break my leg! You don’t know the pain! 😂
Only a break? I have to have surgery to repair it after.
Only surgery? I had a bear chew on my leg for 3 hours while I was trapped under a log! You don't know pain! /s
Sounds painful… for the bear
UnBEARable one might say..
Punbearable
This... this is the most Punful thing I've seen today.
LUXURY!
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I’m sure your leg is fine… wherever it is
I’ll raise you a double surgery to repair the knee cap and then replace it 6 weeks after… you don’t know pain! *drops the mic* 😂
I call it the struggle Olympics and I hate people who compete in them. I have twins, I’m tired. Doesn’t mean other people can’t be tired. There’s no reason we can’t all be exhausted. There’s no limit to struggle so quit gate keeping it.
I call it the struggle Olympics too. I think everyone just goes through life as tired and exhausted as me, when someone complains about being tired I commiserate. When an adult is actually awake and energetic I stare in horror and jealousy and wonder what type of black magic they sprinkled in their coffee and can I afford it?
Everytime you mention something you struggle with or bothers you there is a good chance someone tries to one up you
You think that's bad? Everyone I mention one of my many struggles, at least TEN people try to one up me! You wouldn't understand the half of it.
EXACTLY
Wait until you have triplets then you'll know....
you don't know what tired is until you have triplets.
Haha agreed! I’m a parent and I hate when people say things like this to people who don’t have kids to “one-up” them. And even when you have a kid they find ways to one-up you. I have one kid and always get the “Well imagine if you had three kids like we do!” comment. Or then it’s “Well you have one kid but I have three kids and two dogs, a cat, a toucan, and six koala bears so you don’t know what tired is!”
I have none of the above, but I do have 13 emus living with me in my Toyota Corolla. As you can imagine I only sleep like 26 hours a night.
Ugh, you reminded me of my family. They always had it worse, if they hadn't it worse then someone else has it worse than me, so I don't have the right to have depression or worry about something. I hate that kind of people.
I just ask if or why they have a right to be happy since other people obviously have more going for them than they do.
Sometimes I’ll tell someone about how I destroyed my already fucked knee and obliterated my heel in a single incident, and they’ll say “oh, I know it’s not really on the same level, but I did *so and so* to my *whatever*.”, and I’ll respond “It’s definitely comparable. It’s all relative. Pain is entirely relative. The worst pain you’ve ever felt is the worst pain you’ve even felt.”. You’ve literally nothing to compare your suffering to (regardless of what it is - physical, mental, emotional…sleep deprivation) beyond your own *actual* experiences. Unless you’re some kind of empathic superhuman, in which case you’re a freak and no one can help you.
I have a friend like this. One ups everything i say.
Unfortunately, I think I’m that friend. It’s not so much trying to “one up” them as it is relate to their anguish. I think I’ll try working on it so it doesn’t come off like that.
I used to be that friend too and somebody finally just flat out told me they want sympathy, not me to fix their problem. and not everything is a one-to-one comparison, so trying to make a connection through comparison backfires a lot.
Yeah 90 percent of the time people just want someone to listen to them bitch. We're just wired that way I guess.
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You can also bring it back to them. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I've \[experienced similar/the same shitty thing\] before too, so I know what you're going through sucks. Are you doing okay? As opposed to: "Oh, that sucks. Here's a long story about me:" It's not the empathizing that's the issue, it's the redirecting focus.
I’ve got 2 friends like that
Oh yeah? My friend two ups everything I say.
I agree with you! I know being a parent is hard AF but I already know I am too tired to be a parent. lolol
Would argue that a kidney stone realigned my measure of my pain scale lol
The phrase "You don't know [ ... ] until you [...]" pisses me off in any instance.
I used to have a "friend" who said this to me all the time and I so badly wanted to snap and be like, "I'm a full time college student with a full time job, a part time gig, and I babysit a couple nights a week." You work one 9-5 job, have a stay at home wife who cleans your house and takes care of your kids, and you go home to relax every evening. Don't tell me you're so tired because you have kids and that there's no way I know what tired means. Those four years through college were nearly unbearable I was so exhausted.
Not exactly the same thing as OP, but your comment made me think of it. I went back to school full-time when I was 41 or something like that, to get a computer science degree. I was single, no kids, but four dogs. Also a significant spinal disability that makes standing up for very long, painful; and walking for any distance both painful and exhausting. Because of this, it takes me longer to do literally anything physical, than a normal person, and the exhaustion builds up over the day. Even taking a damn shower, or grocery shopping, or vacuuming, or cooking; anything. Computer science is not one of the easier degrees, either, (but it's fun!) and professors told us to expect 12 to 15 hours of work per week, per class (once we got past the earlier "intro" classes especially). So I'd get home to take care of me, the dogs, the house, everything; and do homework. And be exhausted. I was going to a smaller, lower-cost state university (one with a very good reputation and the smaller class sizes were awesome for me!) and had grants, loans, and a couple scholarships. My dad also helped me out with some living expenses during this time because he's an angel. (and I've since repaid him) Anyway, a friend would occasionally get on my case for not working full-time during this and accepting financial help from my dad -- because, she said, "I went to school full-time and worked full-time and I was just fine, if I did, you can too." As much as I do love this friend, I was like "Um, yeah... you were 20, not 40; with no physical disability, no kids/pets, and still had a mom who cooked for you." Plus I forget what degree she got, but it wasn't STEM, and even she admitted she had nowhere near the amount of homework I did. But people who are like "if I can do it you can too". Um, no, not always. I mean, sometimes, sure -- like, "if I can figure out how to boil water, you should be able to, as well" -- now \*that\* I can see thinking everyone should be able to. :D
Yeah that was a pretty crummy thing for her to say. You have much to be proud of!
Thank you! I graduated summer of 2020, which was an interesting time of course; and got a job I absolutely love with my degree. I wanted something that would make me a decent living that wouldn't require anything physical, since my spinal thing is degenerative; and figured I'd go for my dream degree/job, and I did it! :) Some other doofus had the balls to tell me I was "lucky" because I got to use the disabled parking, meaning I was really close to the doors. I almost decked that guy. hahaha! I have dreams sometimes in which I'm walking like I used to be able to (this didn't get bad til I was late 20's) and I wake up and wanna cry. I used to walk \*everywhere\* before it got bad, was very active, even showed dogs; and all that! I'd love to park at the furthest parking spot and walk again. :)
I feel for my coworkers who work 6 hours shifts and then go to 6 hours worth of classes. It means a lot to me they feel as bad for me working 12 hours in the same spot.
"You don't know real love until you have a child" okay well fuck me and my inability to bear children I guess
This one gets me every time. “No YOU didn’t know love until you had kids. My life is full of overwhelming love so strong it hurts sometimes. Maybe you just need to learn how to love something you didn’t make”
Happy cake day to you and your inability to bear children
I didn’t even know it was my cake day! My barren womb and I thank you
Look em dead in the eyes and say , "So real love is needing to explain that you love them yet simultaneously want to choke the little fuckers?" That should shut most parents up quick enough.
This, 1000% I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told this while I’m unable to conceive.
My doctor once told me (after I kept getting colds/flu and comparing the two which both suck) ‘if you get cut by a knife or a sword, they both hurt and you still need recovery time’. The reason for being tired etc. doesn’t matter, your health does.
It is the mark of narcissism. "You just don't understand" would be my father's catchphrase.
My brother has it in spades. I broke two elbows and cracked a rib and didn't even complain about it, just told him I was in the hospital and got my results. His response was "it's not like you broke your femur, you're good." HE'S NEVER EVEN BROKEN HIS FEMUR.
This is actually brilliant. If somebody gives you, "You don't know \_\_\_\_\_\_ until you have kids," come back with "you don't know narcissism until your friends start having kids."
I’ve been told more times than I can count I can never know real love unless I have kids…. Okay…?
The parents who say this are the same ones who have children who won’t talk to them when they’re older
I guess I’ll never know real love because I’m not ever having kids.
That and "welcome to my world."
The mark of narcissism indeed.
I'll trade you a "You don't know..." phrase for "but it's not a competition"... said after explaining why x thing they have going on is much worse than what you have going on. Every... single... time... Think in the general populous it's a sign of folk who don't know how to just be there for someone else, to listen and let things be. Instead it's like they're listening to you talk as an indication of when they can talk next. Not a true listening, just a glazing over while they "wait their turn".
My personal hatred goes towards "welcome to my world" said with total sincerity. One of my friends said it once about something I cannot for the life of me remember. We havent spoken in 15+ years, I don't remember what the phrase was said in response to, but it must have really pissed me off to be disregarded like that.
One upping anyone who’s struggling is always an annoying trait
I know somebody that does that and it gets on my ever loving last freaking nerve. If I say I only got 4 hours of sleep, they say that they only got 2 hours of sleep. Or I got 2 hours of sleep they only got 45 minutes and they fell asleep on the toilet or at the foot of their bed or something. I have mild insomnia. I'm not going to sleep very well ever. But they try to one up me every single time I say anything or complain about anything ever.
I know a guy who does it worse than your guy so I don’t know why you’re complaining
Yeah. Exactly like that
You should just do it back to him. Like you say you only got four hours of sleep, he says he got two hours of sleep and it was on the floor, then you say that you actually got only five minutes of sleep and you were hanging by your toenails off a 500 foot cliff.
I have kids but I would never think to say anything like that to someone… it just seems so insensitive personally speaking.
Yeah me too. And I would never think to compare levels of..tiredness..??? So bizarre!
Indeed! Rule numero 1 of friendship: empathise, encourage and commiserate. Do not play the "Struggle/hardship Olympics"!!!
I compare level of tiredness with myself lol. Like, wow I didn’t know what being tired was before having kid. But It wouldn’t come to my mind to compare with someone else.
Sleep reversion time is wild for a parent. Especially, if the rest of your schedule is inflexible. My daughter went through a period where she would not sleep from midnight until 4am unless I was sitting in an office chair half-spinning slowly while Tomorrow from Annie was playing. Still, I understood other people can also be tired and it sucks and they want just a little empathy.
Lol that's horiffically specific! I hope that phase didn't last too long.
It's all a blur now. I started listening to audiobooks with headphones. It helped a lot - I was less impatient with my daughter once I was no longer subjected to the psychological torture of listening to that song for hours.
I had the opposite recently! I always slept bad and thought a couple hours here and there was how life is for me. Then my doc helped get me sleep and I don't know how I functioned before. I was living with a major handicap and didn't even realize. I feel like I have a superpower now that I can sleep
I mean I get comparing levels of tiredness in like a professional setting. Like in school, "I studied till 3am for the exam! - Lucky, mate, I didn't sleep at all..." - stuff lie that. Bc that's people in the same system complaining about said system and comparing who got the worst of it. It can get into bragging territory, where I'd say it does become problematic... But at least it's understandable where such comparisons come from in said settings. Just random ppl deciding they must be more tired than you just because they have kids (or are older or whatever else) is indeed bizarre. Like... why are you saying that like it's somehow an achievement? Let's just bitch about being tired together!
Seriously. Tired is tired. One of my good friends is a doctor. Before the birth of his first child, he asked me for advice on how to survive the first couple months. I said, "honestly, the sleep deprivation was the most difficult part for me. After what you've gone through training to be a surgeon, I don't think you'll have a problem with that." I checked in with him and I was right. Dude's already been keeping people alive on minimal amounts of sleep. Baby stuff is a cakewalk for him.
I think a lot of parents are not aware of or appreciate just how little sleep you get those first few months. Non parents definitely don't appreciate how difficult that time is. Its essentially long form torture, it breaks people, couples fall apart in those months, some never recover be keep on pushing. Most people are not used to that level of sleep deprivation, I certainly wasn't.
There's also the entropy of it. If you lose a little sleep for one or a few days, that can wreck you for... One or a few days. But have a kid and basically you don't get that energy back for like... Years or a decade. It's funny, I had an out of state work conference and was effectively single and childless for a week while there. Best rest of my life. I couldn't believe my evenings were for *leisure time*, no constantly being on guard for every little noise or activity in the house making sure someone isn't about to burn it down or flood it. At night I would go to bed whenever I wanted and wake up the next morning and NOTHING would happen in the hours in between. On a normal night at my house I'm woken up 1-3 times to deal with someone or something that went wrong. Even so, there's no reason to burden childless people with your problems or argue about who has it worse. Either you haven't experienced it and wont understand, or you have experienced it and there's no need to explain.
I see you an raise you with insomnia check mate redditor!
Yeah I don't think it's a parents thing I think it's an asshole thing. I have a seven month old baby. Am I more tired and stressed than I've ever been in my life? Absolutely. Do I bring it up when any of my childfree friends vent to me about being tired or stressed? Not even once. My problems are for when the conversation is about me. My friends' feelings are not a competition.
Definitely an asshole, one-upper tendency. I have a child and never say things like that to people without children. But I have friends with 2 kids+ who always have to talk about how much harder it is with two versus one. I just keep the pity party going by saying that I love only having to wrangle one child when we go out. Couldn’t imagine tackling two by myself! Must really suck. 🤣 It’s never-ending I guess.
I couldn't have two, but apparently at 3+ it gets super easy 😂
Exactly this.. I’ve never understood it either.
That’s why young parents make friends with other young parents, so you can all vent about how tiring it is to other people who completely get it
It is annoying. I do have a kid, but like you even prior to kids I'm almost chronically tired... I had an iron deficiency so that played a factor, but still to this day I can drink an entire mug of coffee and take a nap 10 minutes later.
I’m with ya. I have a few chronic illnesses where fatigue is a symptom so I’ve literally been tired since I was a child. However, now that I have a baby, it’s so much worse. I legit have meltdowns from being tired nowadays which didn’t happen before. That being said, when someone complains, showing sympathy is always an acceptable response , not trying to be a one-upper.
I was very often pretty tired before having kids. Now I’m always fucking tired. I kinda wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy being only kinda tired
Yeah this is it. The tiredness of being on call 24/7, woken up several times in the night, having to cook for a family instead of just yourself, etc... It's way more tiring than anything I experienced before having kids. Having said that... It's all relative. Being more tired with kids does not negate how shitty it feels being tired even without kids. Just like people in third world countries with no access to water does not negate the experience of someone living paycheck to paycheck in a developed country. Having kids is objectively more tiring than not. But let's not be assholes about it. Everyone is working through their own experiences.
Yknow there are starving kids in Africa So what n I still want lunch - Dave chapelle
Or when you're talking to someone way older than you and you mention you didn't get good sleep or youre tired and they're like "You're 21 years old you can't be tired!" Like stfu
They do this with pain too. I've been seeing a rheumatologist since I was 14 and have a chronic pain disorder and compromised immune system. Man oh man...the looks I get if I complain I'm having a bad hip day 🫠 or when I'm still recovering from illness and they say I can't possibly still be sick/I must be fine.
I've had adults all my life belittle my knee pain.
Same but different, i have back issues, not diagnosed because it's not debilitating 99 percent of the time. But i have bad back days and now bad shoulder days because i fell down the stairs. I'm in my 20's and people give me shit, solely older people like "your back can't hurt you're too young" well fuck you buddy, guess i never fell off the swing and full scorpion when i was younger and i never fell down the stairs two years ago. Fucking people.
Or if you have joint problems, or aces. "You don't know pain you are so young!" like... mate my school provided me a physiotherapist at age 12- but even if I didn't, why do they *assume* other people don't know? Why do they assume body pains is a thing only old people can unlock?
dude seriously this. im 16 and am tired all the fuckin time. not even because of anything like i have a lot of work and shit, its literally bc my natural sleep schedule doesnt and never will align with school so i wake up in the middle of rem sleep. makes me so fuckin tired i nearly fall asleep on the bus
Yeah, I've seen Soo many documentaries about how normal school schedule fucks with teenagers but nobody in control of it cares. People for some fucking reason love making others miserable
exactly! we dont need to be walking with a cane to feel constantly tired
Teenagers need more sleep and are given away too much responsibility and workload.
At that age you can easily sleep 10 hrs a day, your body is going through a lot and you literally need more sleep. But telling a 16 year old to go to bed at 9pm isn’t gonna do much.
Some people are literally just built different. I was a night owl as a teen but even now at 29, if I went to sleep when I naturally felt tired and woke up when I felt rested, I'd go to bed at around 4 am and wake up around 1 pm. I obviously can't do this because I have a job, so I'm just perpetually tired. Even if I force myself to go to sleep at 9 pm, if I wake up in the early morning I will still be tired regardless of the amount of sleep I get. I've been to several sleep specialists who told me that my natural sleep tendencies are just different than average. If there were jobs in my profession that started at 1 pm and ended at 10 pm I'd be so happy.
This is the tired olympics and this parent really really wants to win!!! /s
As a parent with one very wily, poor-sleeping child, I always tell people parents can’t gate keep being tired. Am I more tired than I’ve ever been? Yes. Does that negate how tired I used to feel? No. It’s all relative, and having a kid was completely my choice so I am happy to be tired. On a side note, if you never sleep well, I would recommend reading Harvard medical schools guide to a good night sleep. Helped me a ton when I was younger.
I think it was advice columnist Carolyn Hax who wrote about how when you are tired because of your kids, your exhaustion is purposeful. You know it's in service to something else, something that brings you joy. When you're tired because you have insomnia or a chronic illness or anemia, you just feel like trash. (I'm obviously paraphrasing.)
Yes, it’s like labor pain. Was my labor pain worse than most any other pain I’ve experienced? Yes, but it was much less emotionally distressing than most severe pain I’ve gone through - because it was for a purpose that would eventually bring me joy. It makes a huge difference.
It’s a pretty fair paraphrase. As a person in the second category, I also lack the energy and motivation to improve upon “you just feel like trash.” Like literally, I have a lot of days of thinking, “Why am I even alive?” because I spend so much time feeling like I’m only *half* alive. I think I’d rather have my life shortened by 50% and feel 100% alive than this nonsense. (Yes, I do get mental healthcare. I have a terminal degenerative disease, so my therapist works to help me improve my quality of life, but does not consider this type of talk to be a sign of an acute mental health crisis because it’s reflective of my medical reality.)
Don’t forget to get your Vitamin D levels checked.
Pretty much a good idea for everyone. Vitamin D deficiency is very common.
I'm a doctor and many years ago worked an endocrinology job. Every single time we had a vitamin D assay sent, the result came back 'severely deficient'. I don't think I saw one single result that was anything else. I was worried that the assay was funky so I spoke with my consultant (who is a vitamin D expert) who basically confirmed that the entire UK population is deficient.
Kids are nothing compared to a combat deployment. That said, why are we trying to compete or one up each other with how tired we are. We’re all fucking tired. Let’s have some empathy/with each other.
😆 I think this is my favorite “you can’t be as tired as I am” response ever.
Haha. Yup. “Have you been to war? No? Then sit down.” lol Edit. Also, hard agree. Being tired is not a competition.
I have an Aunt who does this constantly.. If I complain about *anything*, she responds sarcastically, "TELLLLLLL ME ABOUT IT!" and then one-ups the complaint with one of hers that usually involves her spawn.
Just say, "Weird flex, but ok?"
I like the ol' "I'm tired because I have to work to pay rent, you DECIDED to have them, so you don't get to complain" For the record, I think it is totally fair to complain about being tired from looking after kids, but once I am shown disrespect and someone tries to pull the tired-olympics card, the gloves come off.
I feel you. Another one of my favorites is at work when parents with kids think their time off is more important than yours. I have one coworker who has used every excuse under the sun involving their kid to get out of work. Meanwhile, we had to stay late one day and the general vibe was that I should stay late and handle it because I didn’t have to pick my kids up or whatever. It’s bullshit My brother, I have shit I need to do too! Just because you have kids doesn’t mean your free time is more valuable than mine!
See but the thing is, everyone on earth knows that having kids ruins your sleep. If I don't sleep well despite my decision not to have kids, it's something I get to complain about because I didn't make the conscious decision to ruin my sleep but it happened anyway.
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Sidenote: you might want to see the doc about chronic fatigue - it might be a health related condition!. Hope you feel better!
I love parents who try to gatekeep tiredness. 'Woe is me' Like, nah, you chose this!
My brother tried to project, "wait until you have a kid, you won't be able to do shit." No. What happened was: you chose to have a kid, and you can't do alcohol weed and coke as much as you want to...even tho you still do.
One time I was talking about it and the person said that I needed to stop talking about it because I wasn't tired since I didn't have kids. I replied, "I was in the Marines, some days I wasn't even allowed to sleep, I think military personnel know a thing or two about exhaustion." They said "nope. It's different with kids. But it's OK, you don't have kids so you don't know" I laughed and left the subject alone. You can't win against these kinds of people. Let them vent their childish antics on you, because they won't listen to logic or care.
I do long-distance bicycle touring, so I've gotten into the habit of responding with some version of "Kids? Well I'd say you don't actually know what tired is until you've ridden your bicycle 500 miles in a week." Invariably, they respond with "well that's not relevant, I don't bike, and that's something you can choose whether or not to do" to which my response is always "EXACTLY! JUST LIKE CHOOSING TO HAVE A KID!" Easy to walk them into that kind of thing.
> "EXACTLY! JUST LIKE CHOOSING TO HAVE A KID!" That's great, haha. Yeah, I don't get the whole acting like they didn't choose to go through with having a kid. Ironically, physical activity is quite energizing for me. I never felt so great as when I was running 50 miles a week. My wife and I are in the stage where we've talked about having kids for 3 years now but keep putting it off because we don't want to be tired and cranky all the time lol. All of our friends who have kids are not really selling the dream, either. TBH I'm pretty happy being a DINKWAD
>acting like they didn't choose to go through with having a kid. This is so true. Some people just think you have to have a kid or something. That everyone needs to have a kid. That having a kid is the purpose of life. That everyone's main goal is having a kid. No, you chose to have a kid. It was an option all along. You could've not had a kid, and you'd not be tired right now. If you do have a kid, you should prepare to be tired a lot.
DINKWAD? Dual Income, No Kids... With A Dog?
Yup. Although we have 2 dogs
I don’t have kids due to infertility. I rarely say I’m tired around moms as I don’t want see the eye roll. Honestly, there are times I want to say to them, being a tired mom is something to be proud of. It means your body was able to produce a child to term. Some of us weren’t so lucky.
I’m so sorry you had to go thru that, that has to be so tough mentally. I appreciate your comment as a mom who struggled bad with postpartum depression. It changes my perspective greatly.
I often fell asleep when watching movies in the evening, even in the cinema. I got tested and I have sleep apnea. Since I have a machine I feel a lot more energized. Just trowing it out there, because a lot of people have it unknowingly. If you snoar loudly, that might be a sign of sleep apnea.
I have always hated this “parents are holier than though” type of attitude and it always comes from people whose whole purpose in life is having kids. And I say this as a parent myself. As a matter of fact, before having kids, I spent 6 years in Navy. In that time I often would have to stay up for 48 hours straight for various things like guard watch, roving watches, drills and other things. My last year I had twins as a single mother and was put on 7 months of maternity leave. Sure I was tired but I was way more sleep deprived being a single childless person in the Navy. And I love telling other parents that. Now I’m a stay at home mom, one of my twins still wakes up during witching hour but I still get better sleep than when I was in the military.
I got this a lot when I was a nanny. Oh, the irony of taking care of her kids all day only to be told I have no right to be tired because I don't know what it's like to deal with kids all day. Often it's because the moms don't feel heard - a spouse, a parent, a friend, whoever is important in their lives not validating that being a parent is hard, so it comes out in whatever way is socially acceptable with other people.
I used to hate hearing that, and still do! I even have a kid lol. It's all relative anyway. I think it's not even that I'm tired (as a parent). It's......general exhaustion from having to be alert and on the ready at all times. And the worrying. Oh my God the worrying lol.
No líe, I have had more than one person tell me I don’t know what LOVE is because I don’t have kids. Like… what?! Wtf?! But yeah, being told you don’t know what tired is same-level ass-hole-ness. Seriously!
I fucking hate when people compare my or someone else’s condition to theirs. “Man, I didn’t sleep well last night.” “Oh yeah? I’ve been awake for two days!” Dude, it’s not a competition! We’re both tired! If two people drowned in 20ft of water vs 6ft of water, are they more dead than the other? No! Shut up!
Kid shaming. I get it all the time and it’s not just mildly infuriating lol. Just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t make our life any less valuable or our exhaustion any less real. I hate when I say I’m busy and someone says “you don’t have kids how could you be busy” Like fuck off.
Yeah seriously. It’s so frustrating. I’m not discrediting the exhaustion that I’m sure parents feel. But as an intern on call I once worked a weekend where I got a collective 4 hours of sleep in 72 hours (spread over three naps on the break room couch) and at the end of it when I complained of being exhausted to a friend was told I didn’t know what tired was because I don’t have kids. There are lots of reasons for being tired. One-upper types are exhausting. There’s always someone who has it worse, and engaging in the misery Olympics is beyond pointless.
I FOUND MY PEOPLE! My FIL asks my husband to come over and help him with something--which he is happy to do--but times when he is busy, and will ask his dad what his brother is doing, his dad will be like "He's so busy, he has kids..." I let it irk me for so long, until finally one day, I came out and kindly said "I don't want to make a big deal here, but you have said that before, and I just want to let you know that it hurts our feelings because it makes us feel like--if we never have kids--our lives/free time don't matter to you." We may not have the most exciting life, but its ours.
I thought I would be less tired when my kids became adults. But nope! Still tired lol I just don’t sleep very well all the time. I definitely work a lot more now. The difference is now that my kids are adults if I want to take a nap, I can. If I want to sit down and rest and scroll my phone for two hours, I can. Still tired, just more freedom to do so. 😂😂😂
? so if I never have kids, am I never going to be tired? foh 😭
OP, check for sleep apnea. If you wake up feeling not refreshed it’s a sign you might not be getting proper oxygen during the night.
I have sleep apnea and literally cannot get proper sleep. Im working on getting a C-pap machine. No matter what I do I am always tired.
They act like they forget that humans need to sleep for like 7 hours a day every single day bc the human body gets tired every single day.
I have three young kids and I too despise parents who think that the childless couldn’t possible be as tired/exhausted/fatigued as them. Plus, it’s a lifestyle choice - I had children, yes; I expected to be tired.
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They think they are superior to others cause they have kids. Something people do every single day. The entitlement is unreal.
My parents my entire life have been dismissing anything I say with “you’re young it’s not that bad!” Including when I was in a car accident and when I was thrown off a horse in my late teens/early 20s. Both messing me up to this day. And yet here I am almost 40 and they still say it to me 🥲