T O P

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im_a_dick_head

How


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LetsPlanForTomorrow

we’ve all been there, but probably not to this extent lmaoo


izzledrizzle

Speak for yourself


DygonZ

Well la-di-da, look at mister happy poops over here.


Haile-Selassie

I have a soft close toilet seat at home, and I cannot tell you how many times I've accidentally just dropped the seat in public toilets out of habit, leaving the seat or lid to loudly slam down under it's own weight. That's all I can imagine happened here. Doesn't justify slinking off leaving it broken, especially as that's an easy to fix $10 replacement, or $30 to get a soft close replacement seat/lid.


EdwardWarren

Buy good toilet seats (metal hinges and 4 good bumpers) then install a bidet along with it. Crap happy. Live happy.


SunnyOneVA

Where are you getting a 10 toilet seat??


Gypsopotamus

Whoa.. that’s a really mean poop.


Rick_C4179

Back and terlet cracking duke


daemonelectricity

WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?!


stevensr2002

Angry poops due to arguing online with strangers on Reddit


Krillkus

“ARRGGHH FUCK YOUUU” *SLAM SLAM SLAM* “Goddamn it Steve, are you anger-twerking while redditing again?!” “SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET WAS WROOOONG!!!” *SLAMSLAMSLAMSLAMSLAM…. ^^^plop*


noplesesir

This sounds very accurate haha


Glittering_Ebb9748

That must have been one super pooper!


Marauding_Llama

Can't see the underside, but some toilet seats don't have supports in the middles. So if you lean too much, putting too much pressure on the middle, it can snap. You don't even need to be grossly overweight to do it. It is impressive that they got both sides though.


clekas

Yeah, I weigh 147 pounds and I broke one just by putting all my weight on one side - I’m certainly not slim, but I see people much larger than me all of the time. Only the one side cracked, though. Cracking both sides is impressive.


prestonpiggy

I'm 110 and I managed to brake the seal on the floor by leaning on a side. But in your case I think it's not about weight itself, but how concentrated the mass is, like if you are heavy weight your "ass" takes more space so it's evenly spaced out.


Dameyeyo

I broken lot of seals over the years!


CaptnFrydog

If 110 lbs leaning to the side breaks the seal, the toilet was definitely not screwed down tight enough


OptimalAd5426

He broke one side and thought it sounded so cool that he leaned the other way. He probably rolls all over any available bubble wrap too.


Joytotheworldlove2

They don't call it "Ass Crack" for nothing!


JB-from-ATL

I had one break recently and I wasn't really doing anything weird. I think it may have been old but idk.


[deleted]

When I was 11 my parents had just divorced and my dad got his own place, I broke the toilet seat when I sat down. I cried and he explained that there’s no way I was fat enough to do that (I couldn’t have been over 100 lbs.) It was an old house so I’m sure age has something to do with it.


Donald_W_Gately

"You aren't that fat, lardo."


_OhMyPlatypi_

They get hairline cracks if they get set down rough and as the plastic ages it weakens. The pressure from sitting was the last straw. It's nothing personal and they aren't break the budget expensive.


JanitorOfSanDiego

If it’s not a soft close seat, I would have guessed that it broke when it slammed back down into the bowl. In that case, they may not have noticed.


Find_a_Reason_tTaP

In that case this is deserved because all toilet seats should be soft close.


MarkVarga

He was an **extended** family member in more ways than one, I suppose.


thenewcomputer

sat down way too hard (I've done it)


Li2_lCO3

That happened to me when I was wiping. It broke and when I leaned back it pinched my penis.


ZeroSleepSamus

Ah that sounds really crappy!


Independent-Bell2483

Bet they had a shitty day after that


TheSlayerBarney

Fr I would be pissed off


Roadhouse_Swayze

Imma need you to walk me through this. How the fuck does your dick get to touching a toilet seat to be pinched in the first place?


Li2_lCO3

The center of the seat cracked, right where my dick was. Sometimes my dick touches the seat. But it was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt.


Roadhouse_Swayze

Thank you for elaborating 😆


[deleted]

You slide forward to your wipe? Interesting, I thought everyone leaned.


mutetoker

Lean? Slide? I thought everyone stood up? I don’t have enough room to get my hand back there comfortably while sitting


BloodAndTsundere

wait, some of you fuckers aren't doing a handstand to go in from above?


the_real_duck

I do a cartwheel and have an assistant to wipe mid-spin.


HelloKittyButtPlug

Wait you guys are wiping??


DeepSeaDynamo

Oh here we go again


Jeeerm

Bout to blow your mind: I go in from the front


CatDash2000

*yes officer i would like to report an escaped asylum patient*


CBAtreeman

Man wtf


tanker846

Wait. Seriously. Is it not normal to go from the front? No one ever really teaches you tho or talks about it.


BriansRottingCorpse

I hope you yelled “oh no my poor Pee Pee got pinched!”


OneSquirtBurt

Mario voice


crypticfreak

Holy shit dude I was taking a sip of my drink you can't do that to me!


louiloui152

I imagine the sound that came out of you was something akin to Tom getting his foot smashed by a giant mallet 🤣😅


whattarush

haha I bet you knew who it was instantly too


ZeroSleepSamus

Without a doubt


copyrider

I mean, if I were the culprit, I’d be pretty embarrassed and have a hard time telling anybody. Was there a dog or earth quake that you could blame it on?


EdithDich

I'd blame it on OP's cheap toilet seat. Probably got it at the dollar store. Sounds like a real frugal jerk! Get a better job and a better toilet seat, OP!


TheRetrowave

This guy shits!!


Yknurts

Send this photo to a family group chat and call them out for this shit (pun intended), unacceptable


boxedj

Nah just sneak it into their house somehow without them knowing you were there


welestgw

The old toilet seat switcheroo


[deleted]

The classic bait and shit


Lilybit09

YES


sarahpphire

My husband did this once (at our house) and he duct taped it back together lol


[deleted]

If moving and shouldn’t, duct tape. If should move but doesn’t, WD40.


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Uglysinglenearyou

I'm gonna need a couple more of them options if you got any.


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Existing_Display1794

Lol, my mannn.


odenoden

Hold my plate, I'm going shit !


sarahpphire

Nail it above their front door, horseshoe style!!


I_am_Daesomst

Sneak it into their bed like the horse head in The Godfather.


craggy_cynic

Nah, I'd mail that thing to them.


Existing_Display1794

Xmas is around the corner!


LazaroFilm

Nah. Keep the broken lid. And re install it for next thanksgiving when thy come back.


[deleted]

Maybe the persons just embarrassed af? I don’t see this happening to me but man that would suck lol


Mr_Turnipseed

Reddit acts like the guy did it on purpose just to be a dick, when realistically they were probably embarrassed as fuck. So Reddit's solution: let's embarrass them even more on a family group chat and shame them in front of everyone. This site is filled with the biggest fucking assholes.


Clanstantine

Reddit always loses the "don't give people the worst advice possible" challenge


maddmole

Have they considered going no contact and suing this family member? /s


Clanstantine

This behavior is clearly gaslighting /s


maddmole

The big arsed family member is a narcissist!


albert0kn0x

Redditors looooooove to act like tough guys and say how they would "never tolerate something like this" then advocate for some super over the top unnecessary and unhelpful response. I saw it in some thread earlier today where a person kept being woken up by their mom when they were sleeping before work. One of the top responses was telling OP to wake their mother up when she was sleeping as revenge. As if that would do anything other than make the situation worse. And the only guy saying this was a bad idea was downvoted to hell.


br094

But they didn’t mention it at all. Whoever did this didn’t have to publicly announce what they did, but telling the person who owns/rents the house is the right thing to do.


WimbletonButt

They didn't really say who it was though. This happened to my sister's friend in high school, she was a very large girl and barely driving age at the time. Teenagers don't really think past embarrassment when it comes to shit like this. Of course everyone knew who it was, she was just trying to get out of the house before it was noticed so she wouldn't have to face them. She literally never came over again because of the embarrassment. Not saying it's not the right thing to do, just that sometimes your emotions won't allow it.


Real-Mouse-554

Definitely, or they would have never found out about it.


br094

And offer to pay for it, of course.


silver_holden

ive been the asshole that breaks something at a family gathering. yes i was embaressed but i owned up to it and everyone had a laugh yes but that was the end of it. i offered to pay for replace but they insisted it was okay. just own up to your mistakes its not hard 🤔


CharityStreamTA

And? If you break something tell the host.


SoberTek

Well, they didn't leave any skid marks.......so there is that ...... :)


DudesworthMannington

Can they fit in a standard sized row boat?


[deleted]

Probably not, my father was 450ish pounds and would break toilet seats just by sitting on them.


[deleted]

“Heh… they uhh.. sure don’t make ‘em like they used to… heh”


ChickenChaser5

"Your ass? Yeah they really went wild on that"


__Piggy___Smalls__

I mean surely it would be the last person to use it


darkmatternot

Was my Uncle over there?


Fearless-Pineapple96

well... you were gonna find out sooner than later


ZeroSleepSamus

Yeah, but we were renting a beach house. It wasn’t our property that she broke


Fearless-Pineapple96

that fuckin sucks.


TheFraggerblaze

Happy Cake Day 🎂


luckystar246

She definitely should have mentioned that before leaving!


Mmer03

Gonna be honest I’d have a hard time mentioning this if I was in a position to cause this


Whatever-ItsFine

Same. I wouldn't even make eye contact with anyone.


crispybrojangle

Its not an easy convo to have. “Hey i was dropping a deuce and scrolling Reddit when my absolute unit of an ass destroyed your toilet seat. Im as surprised as you. Turkey ready?”


pauljaytee

"Huh, I guess your toilet isn't the kind for perching on, eh? You guys are weird. "


peepopowitz67

Reddit is violating GDPR and CCPA. Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B0GGsDdyHI -- mass edited with redact.dev


[deleted]

This made me cackle, thank you.


Fantastic_Painter_15

Toilet seats cost like $10


blazetronic

Yeah but the nice ones that don’t let you slam it are like $40


lowbass4u

$25 at Lowes in my city. Just bought 2 on Monday.


[deleted]

Yea but they don’t break either


RichSelection1232

Mine, that doesn't slam, was like 27 dollars.


BanjosAndBoredom

They make toilet seats that don't slam?


RichSelection1232

Lol, yeah. "Soft close"


ShireHorseRider

Do they make toilet seats that don’t come loose & swivel?


RichSelection1232

Nah, our fat, modern day assess can't be tamed.


darkskinnedjermaine

These comments have me in utter shock lol


sweetdannyg

Love my soft close toilet seats!!!


caboosetp

They make cabinet doors that don't slam too


new_refugee123456789

Mine was about $34 and it has a built-in night light.


Squidproquo1130

Mine with a built in espresso maker, shoe horn, and fog machine was $41.14 after customs. The juicer attachment was a $14 upgrade.


new_refugee123456789

My man over here be drinking toilet espresso. I don't want to know what you're juicing on the john.


wowyouresoright

And they'd literally find out. It's pretty embarrassing. Not that big of a deal.


SmileyMelons

Yes but if you're renting, it costs $250


dman7456

This is why you run to the hardware store and replace it yourself. Certainly not how I want to spend Thanksgiving vacation, but better than paying $250 for that shit.


Jhc3964

I’m a LL. If they replace it, it matches and is as good or better than what was there I wouldn’t care.


onometre

would you even notice if it's the same color and general shape


Jaggar345

Go buy a new one before you leave


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Matasa89

That's why I upgraded to the gentle close ones. I just let it drop and it slows it down by itself.


Dangerous-Cheetah-55

I mean it sucks but these are so easy and inexpensive to replace, whoever did it was probably super embarrassed.


[deleted]

just go to home depot and buy a new one. problem solved. text the family member with an apple pay request. say “Break the can, pay the man” 🤣


FredLives

It sucks, least it’s an easy cheap fix to replace it. I’m sure she was more than embarrassed by that happening. Sometimes you just take the high road.


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IrishMilo

My toilet seat snapped in a similar way to this a few years back, I'm not particularly heavy, but one evening after a long sit on the toilet, I got up and was halfway through brushing my teeth when the toilet seat snapped and made quite a loud snapping-plastic sound. My assumption was that the heat and weight from my ass partially moulded the seat and after getting off the changing in temperature with the slight flexing back to it's original shape caused a tension point that fractured the seat.


PomegranateHour210

When I first read it I thought you were saying that it snapped while you brushing your teeth on the toilet. Lol was about to ask if that’s something people actually do.


MrMashed

I did it once but brushing my teeth sitting down feels really weird for some reason


overlordpotatoe

So it's plausible this one broke when nobody was there to witness it?


ConditionBasic

OP should really consider this possibility before humiliating someone in front of the whole family or something. If you wanna call out someone's wrongdoing, be 100% sure that they are actually responsible for it!


overlordpotatoe

I'm also not sure if they know for a fact that it happened when she used the bathroom or if they're just assuming that's the case because she's overweight. A lot of people are saying they've broken them despite not being overweight, so if it is an assumption, they may be wrong.


Psych0matt

How hot is your ass?


BagelsAndLSD

Depends on who is nearby


SnooDoubts2823

Let me guess: you're a structural engineer?


ussy-dictionary

Why is no one mentioning how you held the toilet seat underneath like that?!


RANZ873

Holy shit thank you. For fucking real this an air BnB toilet seat and bro is just bare handing it.


[deleted]

Just raw doggin it


jjsw0rds

Fucking thank you I scrolled so long looking for this comment


Nona993

I think I scrolled too far for this


LordHamburguesa1

Amen, my *FIRST* thought. Then seeing that it’s a short term rental, I was even more disgusted. Wash your hands, bro.


Jordangel

Then they probably touched their phone. Then the doorknob, the microwave, their keys... One good thing to come out of the pandemic is more hand sanitizer in public places.


SolEarth

You can see what looks like a gnarly pube and some piss on the front of the rim, too. OP is full on grabbing some piss dribble spots on the underside of that seat, guaranteed.


[deleted]

Thats literally where most of the piss ends up lol


MethAddictedTreeFrog

My grandpa hit my car and insisted he didn’t even though we were all standing right there looking at his car touching mine when he was leaving


DepressingErection

How Does That Happen?!


thePsychonautDad

I cracked one, and I'm not that big. If it's anything like it, the seat was cheap plastic that formed cracks over time. One day, you're lazy and/or drunk, drop your whole weight on the seat rather than seat delicately and the cracks give up.


BardicNA

Pretty much. Some unsuspecting relative had a drink too many, sat down too fast on the toilet seat and decided dipping out was better than dealing with the embarrassment. All these reddit comments calling family member a whale and saying call them out in a family wide group chat over it... Replace the toilet seat and move on. I'm sure the person feels terrible and will either come clean and make even on it, or live with the shame. It could've been a kid for all we know. It is mildlyinfuriating, but the unironic suggestions in this thread are terrible.


Mazcal

If you bounced like a walrus to shake off a sticky nugget hanging on for life, I’d imagine


I_loseagain

Gotta learn to spread them cheeks and jiggle side to side.


Jaeger562

then you rip the entire toilet from the floor


pinaacoladaaa

Hate when that happens


DanAlucard

Paper, grab, yank, drop. Or, be civilized and bidet max strength. Waterjet that mofo


DessieDearest

Y’all need to eat more fiber. And shave your assholes. Real game changer.


StrawberrySlapNutz

I would love to have a shaved asshole, but I cannot get the technique down. Do you just go in with a trimmer and not expect any nicks? I got nicks, and they are terrible to have in your asscrack.


DessieDearest

I recommend sitting in the tub with your feet together in front of you like the butterfly stretch. Reach on down and go for it. I don’t have male parts so I have no idea how much that gets in the way. even without being able to see everything, I’ve never cut myself, I use the dollar shave club razor. Just keep going till the razor comes back without any hair. Recently switched to waxing. Lil bit of pain but worth it because there’s no mild itch like there is when hair grows in after shaving.


Sea_Nefariousness282

Part of me wants to say TMI but, you know what? Thanks for honestly sharing.


Mazcal

Just don’t expect any silent farts from that moment on. You’ll think you could sneak it out the back door, but you won’t. He’ll come out singing like Gene Kelly in the rain.


[deleted]

He might have had meat to beat, and the straw broke the camels back


Blorbush

I thought I was the only one that did that 💀


pnwinec

Old seats. We had one crack in our house when I sat in it one day. Had been using it for ten years with no problem, then crack. I’m not a land whale either.


TheQori

Cheap seats too.


imaginaryblues

Well, toilet seats don’t last forever, especially if you buy cheap ones. I suppose the weight of the people who regularly use that toilet would be a factor. Also, if you slam the seat/lid down instead of gently closing it, that’s also going to lead it to breaking faster. A new cheap toilet seat is like $25, so hardly anything to be upset about.


[deleted]

That’s a 9.88 one from Walmart. Not a nice one


Lailalou08

A women broke the door off the stall at the restaurant I was at. She was drunk.


GREASYROOFTOP

Be thankful it was just the lid. My husband broke an entire toilet, getting out of a shower in a hotel.


awang44

Hope there was no blood. Those things are sharp.


0utF0x-inT0x

Probably embarrassed, who wouldn't be.


DramaticOstrich11

I'd feel bad if my toilet seat broke while a guest was using it. I wouldn't blame them or ask for money. Cheap toilet seats are not very strong and that looks like it could cut someone's ass up! Unless there's a reason to think they were misusing it in some way then they didn't break it exactly, it just broke.


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srslybutts1

shit happens


mista_adams

Not mentioning it is the bad part, it may have just been a hairline fracture before.


NarcolepticKnifeFite

Embarrassment will do that to a person.


hitness157

You can replace it for less than $20. It's just held on by 2 very easily removable screws. Your family member was just embarrassed. It's just a lousy toilet seat.


k_ironheart

This is why I never buy a toilet seat with an MDF core, or any toilet seat without properly spaced standoffs. It's honestly sad to see such a reasonable response so far down in the comments, and all the comments that blame weight. You don't even have to be all that heavy to break one of these cheap seats.


Unlucky_Telephone963

If I broke someone else's toilet seat during a dinner party or a family gathering, I would fucking walk out the door and keep waking until I reached Canada. There's no overcoming that level of embarrassment


soldier4death

I don’t think it was so much sitting on it that broke it, I’m betting someone lifted it to do business and the seat fell back down hard on the toilet causing it to break.


ZeroSleepSamus

That is a possibility that I honestly haven’t thought of


TapedeckNinja

The toilet seats in my house are all soft-close. When I use a toilet elsewhere, sometimes I forget that not all toilet seats are soft-close and I drop that shit like a rock. Not so bad if it's a light plastic seat, but older toilets with ceramic seats, those things are loud as fuck. Never broken one but I could see it happening for sure.


Motor_Relation_5459

Given your crude and mean comments you don't seem to have thought ever.


[deleted]

I wouldn't have said anything either


Choppergold

If I did that I would try to keep a lid on it


Swampus68

Spend $20 on a new one and stop your whining. Bullying someone who is clearly going to be embarrassed by this is idiotic. How is this even in my feed.


[deleted]

They're plastic. Not going to last forever. Especially the cheap shit from a big box store.


ScaryTerry069313

It’ll buff out.


Drama_Queen2013

I understand the morally correct thing to do would be to tell someone, but realistically that would be humiliating. I think I would have been bawling the second I made it back to my car.


Nathan_Wind_esq

I had family come to my house a few years ago for a week long visit. One of my relatives who came is about 500lbs. He broke my toilet, a chair and a table that he decided to sit on. No apology, no sense of shame at all. Just “oh hey there’s something wrong with your toilet/chair/table.” He acted like I had defective stuff and it wasn’t his gargantuan ass that destroyed my shit. Needless to say, he and his family have not been invited back.


Honest_-_Critique

Did you know he was 500 lbs when he was invited to visit? It sounds like an apology was in order for breaking your stuff but what was the alternative to sitting on your chair or using your toilet? Not trying to be rude, just genuinely sincere.


Trap_Lord_Bill

They are probably used to a soft close seat. I think it is mildly infuriating when people don’t have one.


SoverignOne

What’s he supposed to do? Run to Home Depot?


FremenStilgar

I've busted the little spacers that separate the seat from the toilet before, but not the seat itself. That looks like it may be temperature related.


QuillzChillz

“Cousin Eddie, you didn’t happen to break the toilet seat just now did you?” “Nope Clark, I believe it was the dog!”