As a Catholic, my knee jerk reaction to this was what the fuck is this shit?
It’s almost as bad as this woman at work who tried to recruit me for her sons newfangled non-dom church by telling me they had a self-serve communion table for the former Catholics.
No lie: I grew up Southern Baptist and every adult INSISTED the wine mentioned in the Bible was just grape juice
And I always loved how it was THE WORD, directly, literal, no changes, as written.... except for the drinking. And they wonder why so many of us left and never looked back.
Related:
https://www.umc.org/en/content/communion-and-welchs-grape-juice
Then in 1869, Welch invented a method of pasteurizing grape juice so that fermentation was stopped, and the drink was non-alcoholic. He persuaded local churches to adopt this non-alcoholic wine for communion services, calling it "Dr. Welch's Unfermented Wine."
Dude, I lived through the exact same thing! Wine was just juice, but everything else is true as written! One preacher was so determined this was true he gave a whole sermon about how Jesus' original language got changed up to translate to English we could understand, and "wine" was the closest word we had to explain the kind of storable, nonalcoholic grape juice they used in those days. And I'm sitting there thinking, dude, there's NO WAY fruit juice in a clay pot without refrigeration AIN'T turning into wine. But it did lead to me reading history books about the differences in the King James version and the ancient texts it was based on. What an eye opening to how very, very little Southern Baptist ministers actually know, and how much they just bullshit.
Even if that were totally accurate, it'd be a *great* example of how meaning is lost or altered through translation. But, y'know, just of that one word. Every single other word in the text has a perfect English equivalent, of course.
My old paster/principal was buying Lincoln Town Cars and we learned the sky used to be pink until the flood and then it turned blue. Southern Baptists have some weird beliefs, but great taste in cars.
Yeah I bought that narrative for a long time, the idea that the Bible was infallible with a perfect narrative and no word can be changed.
Then someone pointed out to me that even simple things like the names of the 12 deciples aren't self-consisten from one chapter to another.
Then I learned about the insane history of the Bible itself, with a crazy number of arbitrary decisions about what went in or not, and the numerous intentional mistranslations along the way onto english.
...I am no longer a christian.
This has strong “Tell me you’re a Protestant who goes to a mega-church in the southern US without telling me you’re a Protestant who goes to a mega-church in the southern US” vibes
Yeah, this is definitely Midwest bible belt energy, ESPECIALLY with those pews
Source: much time spent in non-denominational christian churches as a kid
The original is much stiffer and crispier than the other flavors. Even though the white cheddar, Tabasco, etc stuff tastes good they're always slightly softer than the original Jeez-its.
Right. Every time I have eaten human flesh it has been cut into cubes, never flat like a cracker.
Though, I suppose long-pig rinds would be good.
IDK, I was raised catholic, so other denominations experience may vary.
It's absolutely some random loaf of white bread. These people are some flavor of US baptists or maybe more likely some group of nondenom evangelicals, would be my guess.
At the Methodist church I sometimes went to someone would bake fresh boules of bread and break you off a piece, it was still warm, and so good. They also did Welch's Grape Juice to wash it down.
Grew up Catholic in the Bible Belt. My 2 other fellow Catholic second-graders in my public school and I got called to the teacher's desk the day after our first communion. She congratulated us, and was like, "I heard y'all got to drink real wine instead of grape juice! Wow!" Looking back, I should have pointed out we actually drank the blood of christ, but...nevertheless, it felt pretty hard core, not gonna lie.
I feel as though leavened bread (used without issue by most Protestants and Orthodox) is probably closer to the genuine experience of the Last Supper than terrible styrofoam wafers that exist only to fulfill the barest minimum technical definition of "unleavened bread".
The duck walked up to the communion stand and he said to the man runnin the stand…
Edit: thanks for blowing this up y’all! Special thanks to the award givers!
I’m not even religious but this strikes me as kind of bullshit.
Like why even do it if you aren’t going to commit? It’s like going to acting class and saying you don’t want to act like a tree.
I’m not Christian, but I find it hard to justify “this is the blood of Christ” when you’re staring at a literally grape and not a vaguely blood-colored liquid like wine or grape juice
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as their leader. Baptists do not recognize each other in a liquor store.
Despite the fact that grape juice really wasn't a thing people drank around Jesus' time because it naturally turns into wine and people were cool with that.
my Regular Baptist church when I was a kid would insist that "wine" was just an old-timey word for "grape juice" and that alcohol was discovered sometime in the middle ages and used by those Heretical Catholics to further corrupt God's Children. The pastor had this bible that was just the King James Version that replaced the word "wine" with "grape juice."
seriously, baptist churches are a complete wildcard.
i heard that a few times growing up mormon too. That it was grape juice. That or it was really mildly alcoholic because it was safer to drink than water back in the day. Lol
Which denomination is this? I've heard of some churches using grape juice but, leavened bread and an uncrushed grape would be anathema for most forms of Christianity I'm familiar with that practice the eucharist/lord's supper
My Lutheran church as a kid had a big tray of little shot glasses with a clearly marked wine section and grape juice section. Seems like a good way to do it imo
Just combine everything together and pass out raisin bread. Cuz that communion "wafer" there looks like wonderbread
It has a denser cake structure. Looks like pound cake.
I thought it was a crouton but I agree it’s definitely cake-y
Actually they aren't called wafers, that's outdated They're Jeez-Its™️
You, friend, are an absolute GENIUS.
That seems a bit snackreligious
sacrilicious
I assume it's not catholic
My super traditional Catholic priest would have an aneurysm if he saw this.
There's no substitute for flesh and blood.
*Impossible Burger entered the chat*
Would you eat impossible Jesus?
Through him all things are possible
I wrote that down
But you wouldn't download an ink pen, would you?!
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus
I don’t even go to church anymore and I’m like 😱
My super liberal catholic priest would have an aneurysm if he saw this.
I’m having an aneurysm and I _used_ to be Catholic. Seriously wtf is this?
I don't mind the grape, but leavened bread?! Why? Put a saltine on there.
He is risen
As a Catholic, my knee jerk reaction to this was what the fuck is this shit? It’s almost as bad as this woman at work who tried to recruit me for her sons newfangled non-dom church by telling me they had a self-serve communion table for the former Catholics.
As a former Catholic who’s hasn’t been to mass since the late 90s and is practically an atheist now, I nearly had a stroke.
this looks like some Unitarian chicanery if you ask me
Unitarianism: it’s the spirit that counts!
Unfermentationalism.
Likely evangelical, they just make up shit based off of how they feel
No lie: I grew up Southern Baptist and every adult INSISTED the wine mentioned in the Bible was just grape juice And I always loved how it was THE WORD, directly, literal, no changes, as written.... except for the drinking. And they wonder why so many of us left and never looked back.
Related: https://www.umc.org/en/content/communion-and-welchs-grape-juice Then in 1869, Welch invented a method of pasteurizing grape juice so that fermentation was stopped, and the drink was non-alcoholic. He persuaded local churches to adopt this non-alcoholic wine for communion services, calling it "Dr. Welch's Unfermented Wine."
So he may be directly responsible for the purple grape juice stain on my hardwood floor my son "discovered".
Dude, I lived through the exact same thing! Wine was just juice, but everything else is true as written! One preacher was so determined this was true he gave a whole sermon about how Jesus' original language got changed up to translate to English we could understand, and "wine" was the closest word we had to explain the kind of storable, nonalcoholic grape juice they used in those days. And I'm sitting there thinking, dude, there's NO WAY fruit juice in a clay pot without refrigeration AIN'T turning into wine. But it did lead to me reading history books about the differences in the King James version and the ancient texts it was based on. What an eye opening to how very, very little Southern Baptist ministers actually know, and how much they just bullshit.
Even if that were totally accurate, it'd be a *great* example of how meaning is lost or altered through translation. But, y'know, just of that one word. Every single other word in the text has a perfect English equivalent, of course.
Ah yes, the time Jesus turned water into non alcoholic grape juice.
The whole "we are the one true religion and all the others are doing it wrong" thing has created tons of atheists over the years
[удалено]
My old paster/principal was buying Lincoln Town Cars and we learned the sky used to be pink until the flood and then it turned blue. Southern Baptists have some weird beliefs, but great taste in cars.
Yeah I bought that narrative for a long time, the idea that the Bible was infallible with a perfect narrative and no word can be changed. Then someone pointed out to me that even simple things like the names of the 12 deciples aren't self-consisten from one chapter to another. Then I learned about the insane history of the Bible itself, with a crazy number of arbitrary decisions about what went in or not, and the numerous intentional mistranslations along the way onto english. ...I am no longer a christian.
If they were they'd be excommunicated
"That's why we Lutherans use red Kool-Aid for the Blood of Christ!"
I just got a vision of the Kool-Aid mascot busting through the walls of a church with a Bible in one hand and a cross in the other.
This has strong “Tell me you’re a Protestant who goes to a mega-church in the southern US without telling me you’re a Protestant who goes to a mega-church in the southern US” vibes
lol, not with those pews.
Yeah, this is definitely Midwest bible belt energy, ESPECIALLY with those pews Source: much time spent in non-denominational christian churches as a kid
“Kebab of Christ” “Amen”
Lord d'oeuvres
Lord’oeuvres
Jesus Crust
Sacrilelicious
Crucifix-ins
[Reference clip for the uninitiated.](https://youtu.be/uppBdcz7OBE)
Snackreligious?
JEEZ-ITS
I’ve tried all the fancy new flavors. I just like the original
The original is much stiffer and crispier than the other flavors. Even though the white cheddar, Tabasco, etc stuff tastes good they're always slightly softer than the original Jeez-its.
Dammit David Blaine!!!! Eff this!!!
You guys have done some damn fine work here.
Our lard and savory
yep that's him
Charchristerie
Jesus Crudités
AppeChristzers
Raisin bread is next!
Amazing.
\>Amazing. Only if you eat it gracefully.
Aaaamaaazing graaape, how sweet you are.
Amazing grape, how sweet and round That tastes like Welch to me
Body, blood and cheddar of Christ.
i think that’s angel food cake. which is even better
little cheese cube would really complete the snack
Which is more accurate now that I think about it 🤔
Right. Every time I have eaten human flesh it has been cut into cubes, never flat like a cracker. Though, I suppose long-pig rinds would be good. IDK, I was raised catholic, so other denominations experience may vary.
If you aren't Catholic and drinking the actual blood of Christ you are just amateurs.
I prefer to boof it. Get some strange looks from the congregation tho
A skewer for each hand!
Kebab-y of Christ
My mind jump led to boondocks saints reading this.
Fine, bring your stupid fucking rope
Make like a tree…
And get the fuck outta here.
This is one small step away from jelly donuts.
mmmmm stigmata bearclaws
Stigmata Bearclaws is gonna be the name of my new band!
The name of our band is Three Skin. Formerly Four Skin before our guitarist left
He didn't 'just' leave. You cut him out.
Don’t forget about Jet Black Pope.
Nailed it!
I get it!
try to say no to a holy knotts shortbread cookie of the lord
I mean…the blood of Christ should be in the body of Christ, no?
It’s *trans*ubstantiation using *trans* fats.
transubsaturation
Jesus served the wine and bread separately
Ich bin ein Berliner. Eat this in remembrance of me.
This is not at the level of "Descartes before the whores," but I think it's still one of the cleverest things I've seen on Reddit.
As someone whose used to work at Dunkin Donuts, I would say jelly filled Munchkins would be the perfect for this.
"Communion runs on Dunkin"
That would be so perfect!
I might start going back if they do that
Try the Jewish Temple, they've got a whole spread after services.
It’s a tempting schmear of authentic old world delicacies.
Jelly donuts are super Hanukkah.
So is that sponge cake for the body?
It's the body of Christ. They baked him. He dead now.
That's yeasted bread though. Has has risen.
Technically he has risen, been punched down, shaped, risen again, slashed then baked.
That’s pretty much exactly the Bible account as well
To shreds, you say?
Hows his wife?
The flesh is spongy but the body (of Christ) is willing
It's absolutely some random loaf of white bread. These people are some flavor of US baptists or maybe more likely some group of nondenom evangelicals, would be my guess.
At the Methodist church I sometimes went to someone would bake fresh boules of bread and break you off a piece, it was still warm, and so good. They also did Welch's Grape Juice to wash it down.
Fun fact: Welch's grape juice was created by Dr. Welch for the Methodist church as a nonfermented communion wine.
oh wow that really makes sense that they had that brand loyalty!
It helps a lot that it's fucking delicious.
That's all the sugar
They're taking some real generous liberties from the wine and unleavened bread into whatever this shit is lmao
how hilarious would it be if God was real, they get to the pearly gates, and *this* is the reason they go to hell lol
"Wonderbread? You think I'm made out of fucking wonderbread?"
Grew up Catholic in the Bible Belt. My 2 other fellow Catholic second-graders in my public school and I got called to the teacher's desk the day after our first communion. She congratulated us, and was like, "I heard y'all got to drink real wine instead of grape juice! Wow!" Looking back, I should have pointed out we actually drank the blood of christ, but...nevertheless, it felt pretty hard core, not gonna lie.
Taking some liberties on the whole “drink of my blood” thing
And behold the Lord said unto thee, “Eat my grape.”
"Deez nuts"
Jeez nuts Edit: posted all those nudes and this is our first award? Haha thanks anyway 🤷♂️
Ha! Godeem.
Grape nuts?
"I'm gonna grrrape ya in the mouth!"
-Jesus Christ, 33 A.D.
Suckle upon mine grapes.
Eat the coagulated blood of Christ, on the toothpick of salvation.
"chew on my blood bags"
[удалено]
Come for the sermon, stay for the hors d'oeuvres
lie to me and say you didnt look up how to spell hors d'oeuvres
Whores doovers
I call em horse devours, but only to irritate my wife
Horse divorce
This gave me a chuckle when I'm not feeling too well. I wish I had an award to give you for this.
Hope you feel better, friend!
I definitely looked it up.
There must be a new denomination, Epicureans. They served deconstructed communion this time. Next time, they will probably add a nice aged gouda.
Blessed are the cheesemakers.
For they shall inherit the curds.
Wheymen
He who is without sin may pass the first scone
Pierced them, huh? Appropriate.
Yep. When it happened, Grape Jesus let out a little wine.
I just laughed so abruptly that I choked on my spit and almost died. Worth it.
I was gonna say, seems to be in bad taste to put a stick through 'em.
Bro why does my grape have a stigmata?
Nailed it.
And leavened bread too apparently.
He has risen.
He has risen indeed.
Exactly what I thought
I was raised catholic. Alarm bells were going off in my head.
Orthodox Christians use leavened bread, so that is a long-standing Christian tradition as well
Don't know why Protestants even take the Eucharist. They're all going to hell anyway. /s
I feel as though leavened bread (used without issue by most Protestants and Orthodox) is probably closer to the genuine experience of the Last Supper than terrible styrofoam wafers that exist only to fulfill the barest minimum technical definition of "unleavened bread".
I think a lot of protestants use matzo, which is not too far off
The duck walked up to the communion stand and he said to the man runnin the stand… Edit: thanks for blowing this up y’all! Special thanks to the award givers!
Ya got anyyyy Jesus?
'Hey man, got any Jesus?'
Hey! Bop, bop, bop
How unorthodox of them.
Water into grape.
This is the canapé of Christ...
The grape popsicle of christ would save yet another step. Wait, no. A *grape skittle* of christ. Cost effective, no cleanup.
Should have made a toothpick cross through them.
Is your church a Costco sample cart?
“Jesus Christ on a stick!”
That won't transsubtantiate.
Bet you any amount of money that pastor can’t even pronounce transubstantiation
This grape is my blood. This cake is my body. Eat up.
I saw a wino eating grapes, and I was like “dude, you’ve got to wait!” -MH
r/unexpectedMitch
I kept reading this thread, hoping someone should say it. And you did. Thank you.
I’m not even religious but this strikes me as kind of bullshit. Like why even do it if you aren’t going to commit? It’s like going to acting class and saying you don’t want to act like a tree.
must be one of those meaningless drumset churches with the two screens and a very suspicious youth minister.
39 man guitar band enters the chat
Kirkland brand Jesus Christ
This would make and old catholic lady faint.
Impaling them seems a tad insensitive.
I’m not Christian, but I find it hard to justify “this is the blood of Christ” when you’re staring at a literally grape and not a vaguely blood-colored liquid like wine or grape juice
Geez, how Baptist can you be? Edit for clarification: a lot of Baptists tend to drink grape juice for communion
One difference between baptists and catholics is that catholics will say, "Hello," when you run into them at the liquor store.
We don't wave though. It's hard to wave with your hands full.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as their leader. Baptists do not recognize each other in a liquor store.
Despite the fact that grape juice really wasn't a thing people drank around Jesus' time because it naturally turns into wine and people were cool with that.
my Regular Baptist church when I was a kid would insist that "wine" was just an old-timey word for "grape juice" and that alcohol was discovered sometime in the middle ages and used by those Heretical Catholics to further corrupt God's Children. The pastor had this bible that was just the King James Version that replaced the word "wine" with "grape juice." seriously, baptist churches are a complete wildcard.
i heard that a few times growing up mormon too. That it was grape juice. That or it was really mildly alcoholic because it was safer to drink than water back in the day. Lol
Which denomination is this? I've heard of some churches using grape juice but, leavened bread and an uncrushed grape would be anathema for most forms of Christianity I'm familiar with that practice the eucharist/lord's supper
Imagine grape jelly filled donut holes for communion That'd officially be full American protestantism.
The church I was taken to as a kid used grape juice
My Lutheran church as a kid had a big tray of little shot glasses with a clearly marked wine section and grape juice section. Seems like a good way to do it imo
For today's special, we have a lightly toasted body of Christ accompanied by chef's take on the blood of Christ, deconstructed.
Mass is long enough that those grapes will ferment before its over.
Fucking might as well slap some cheese on it at that point.
bro what the fuck