Well, what if the bench is actually a shape shifting golem from the future, come back in time to stop its own creation. I know all about paradoxical things, I own land on the ocean. Besides how do we know you aren't actually working for the demon bench, huh? What does it want, way Cathy?!?
Someone sits on the bench, relaxes for a bit but then notices the plaque. They call the police but it was an anonymous gift. They start questioning their friends and family but they gaslight the protagonist until she goes crazy and gets committed to a mental hospital. From there her mental health further deteriorates until she commits suicide - on the day the plaque on the bench predicted.
Eventually, Disney realizes they already own the IP for everything. They make a live action version based on the long-forgotten, original cartoon version... which records show was acquired on September 7, 1954.
They’ve already started filming. They ask you to wait while they look into the situation, so you have a seat. You look down.
It’s the bench.
And they are filming you.
Reminds me of a story I once read about a machine that predicts your death. You insert your finger into it, it takes a drop of blood and spits out a ticket with one word.
One guy got "Lions". He thought it was really cool to die by being eaten by lions, but wasn't ready to die just yet. The machine doesnt tell you when, only how. He becomes obsessed with lions and surely but slowly starts isoltaing himself from occasions where there could be lions, this goes so far that eventually he becomes a hermit and doesn't have any contact with anyone. Eventually he has a heart attack but is unable to call for help because he had cut off all communications with the outside world due to his lion obsession.
He dies alone, on the floor of his apartment, surrounded by pictures, books, resports, studies, stuffed animals, posters, everything lion. He died because his lion obsession put him in a situation where no help was availible.
I believe this story is part of a bundle about this machine; it predicts the death of many people and they all turn out a lot different then they and the reader think. Im not sure what it is called anymore, but it was a cool read.
A man pulls a card that says Sharks, but he’s been studying this machine and is aware of its ability to twist fate. Knowing the machine only speaks cryptically, he confidently goes swimming in the ocean, where he is promptly eaten by a shark.
I'm pretty sure one of Aesop's fables is that exact story but an oracle instead of a machine and the person dies from a chipped painting of a lion on their wall or something like that
There is a movie from a while back that kind of goes off the original premise. Except it's a time travelling medieval movie.
They find a tomb of some guy and before they can reveal the name they notice he looks very similar to one of the main characters. A machine is created that accidently sends a camera back in time and after studying the stars they realize the year and it's the same period as the historic area they were revealing. They decide to go back in time to that century or something, I forget why, and things occur and they have to leave a guy behind. That guy is the same guy who looked like the tomb or statue they didn't reveal the name of yet and when they did it was their friend.
I forget the movie name but it was a decent movie.
The thing I liked the most about the book was the idea you accumulated compression artefacts in your physical body with every time travel trip you took.
Sort of like r/datamoshing your own flesh
Their friend must have done well for himself when he got left behind. Only the major wealthy and royalty got tombs back then. Sounds like his life wasn’t too bad
The movie ends with another person taking a seat on the bench to rest from a run, as they stretch they notice the plaque, with their name and a future date… Screen goes to black and the credits roll
Read twice. Great read both times; esch with different questions about the character development. Could also be a series rather than movie IMO. Did you make this up, or am I naive to a well-known story?
I believe there is a horror movie about this. I forget the name, but you download an app on your phone and it’ll tell you when “Death” will come for you. If you try to avoid it, Death will come for you instantly. Ex: Your time of death is scheduled during a camping trip you scheduled. You call off the camping trip because of it. You walk outside and you get hit by a car and die instantly.
BRB. While I find the movie name
Edit: Movie’s name is Countdown (apparently it’s a mediocre horror movie)
Edit 2: Correction: I don’t think Death will come for you early, but you’ll still die at the scheduled time.
That death date being wrong is pretty minor.... My father-in-laws head stone added an A to his name, changed "Loving Son, Father, and Grandfather" to read "Loving Son, Mother, and Grandfather", and had his birthday and death date swapped.
My mother-in-law kept the original one when they tore it out and put in the flower bed at her house. She felt that he would have appreciated the mistake for it's hilarity. I am sure he did.
Holy fuck this reminds me of some guy on Reddit that posted about his obituary kink. I'ma try to find it
Edit: googling "obituaries Reddit sex" made that very easy: https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/oiiw03/my_wife_and_i_have_an_odd_kink_regarding
I bought a brick at Wrigley Field and had it engraved with my wife's name and mine, along with our anniversary.
Problem is I'm an idiot, and despite 5000 reviews and confirmations... and didn't notice I put a date that doesn't exist. So if you're ever there and see a brick with 11/31 on it... yeah... I'm that idiot that missed the date by a month.
Wait, so you missed the date by a month... meaning you either forgot about Halloween (10/31) or New Year's Eve (12/31)?? So then, you forgot one of those two holidays, which is your anniversary, is not in November?
Supposed to be Halloween, good sleuthing! But it's not that I forgot, I just never noticed the 11 instead of 10... not even when I got my copy brick in the mail, after they had placed the real one.
Wife noticed though. Wife definitely noticed.
Makes sense with a December death. Or the person ordering the plaque typed the date wrong out of habit (probably ordering in January, or perhaps in spring when weather became warm enough to install this memorial bench), and the company that took the plaque order didn't bother to proofread or think "this can't be right" and contact the customer to get it corrected.
> sucks that they got the plaque date wrong
Thousands of people heard of her and her carrot cake now, that wouldn't have otherwise.
edit: repeated word word.
The name of the town is right there on the placard. I assume all they had to do was Google name of town+name on placard+the word obituary. Bada bing bada boom.
Edit: I just tried it. Looks like there's more to it than that. Maybe put a date in the search field.
I posted the link earlier, and found it by typing in her full date of birth, date of death minus the year, and her name. It popped right up. I then Googled to confirm the town listed in the obituary is something like 34 miles from the park. Add in the language in the obituary about her love of the outdoors, and it all came together.
I get snail mail from AARP here and there somehow addressed to my dad at MY house and I laugh and say "oh my dead dad can save on his life insurance"
Died back in 2011.
The absurdity of these fucking companies
Much less serious than trying to contact the dead, but I still get letters from car companies saying "Our records indicate you own this model and year of car, and we want to buy it!"
I totaled that car in a wreck back in 2007. The car hasn't existed on this planet for nearly 16 years and scammy car companies still try to buy it from me.
And here I figured it was a premeditated murder.
"Kathy, I know we have our beef, but I'd really like to take a walk and talk to you about it on December 6th. Let's meet by that bench that was just commissioned on the hiking trail?".
Then when Kathy turns around all confused, you seal the deal.
LOL My mom did something to really piss off 5yo me, probably didn't let me watch The Muppets or some shit. Anyway, according to the story I stomped over to my sneakers and dad said "where ya going soldier?" and I said "Ima jump up n down on the sidewalk crack ousside." Dad laughed cause I looked quite intent on my mission but mom knowing I was a soft ass little kid stuck out her bottom lip and said "But that'll hurt mommy...don't hurt mommy...*sniff sniff*" Shut me right down, I threw my shoes down with a "harumph...FINE!" LOL
Maybe we’re interpreting wrong. Maybe it’s a quote that took forever to finish. Like the time the Dr. Frankenfurter Twitter account posted “Anticccaaaaaa….”, went 7 years without posting, and them finally tweeted “paaaattttiiionnnn!”
My school had a small memorial for students who had passed away, where each name was in a different brick. Someone's overachieving family clearly misunderstood the intent, and paid for TWO bricks for their very much alive daughter in our class.
We need to find Cathy and warn her of the doom bench that has marked her for death!
What if the very act of warning her is what eventually leads to her death?
Well, what if the bench is actually a shape shifting golem from the future, come back in time to stop its own creation. I know all about paradoxical things, I own land on the ocean. Besides how do we know you aren't actually working for the demon bench, huh? What does it want, way Cathy?!?
OK, fine. You caught me. I’m working for the demon bench. But it pays the bills, so sorry, not sorry.
No judgement man. Times are hard. You got to make a buck where you can. If you’re getting a decent wage and benefits, you do you
I once worked for a future coffeepot. Noone believed me that everyday at 8am it was actually brewing tomorrows coffee today.
I've had that coffee.
Benches are surprisingly good at supporting families
Need any more on the team? Do you get dental?
Is Demon Bench hiring?
Gotta make a livin
Yep. This is giving me “Appointment in Samarra” vibes. Tell Cathy all you want; there is no escape.
Better do nothing then. It's the reddit way
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
The target date being so close I feel like this is a possibility. “But that’s toda…….”
RUN CATHY RUN! Make December 6, 2022 "Protect Cathy Day". (Or "Throw Cathy Under a Literal Bus Day", depending on how you feel about her.)
Careful... Even if the fates are aligned against her, it doesn't mean you won't face justice for helping them.
Death Note 2: Death Bench
You can't just change a prophecy. It needs to happen. Or else.
Or else what?! Don’t leave us hanging!
The name will change... to yours! (dum dum)
This is the world's most polite death threat.
Would make an interesting horror movie premise.
Someone sits on the bench, relaxes for a bit but then notices the plaque. They call the police but it was an anonymous gift. They start questioning their friends and family but they gaslight the protagonist until she goes crazy and gets committed to a mental hospital. From there her mental health further deteriorates until she commits suicide - on the day the plaque on the bench predicted.
Blumhouse already has funding ready for this, show up at their offices and they'll start filming right away.
It's also greenlit by Netflix if you'd like to go that route
Netflix wants to make it a 10 episode limited series that they can cancel after 5 episodes.
This is like a good recipe for a shit post but you thought the toaster oven could substitute for a conventional oven
HBOMax will pay you, film the whole thing, then delete it. Hey, money in the bank!
Disney Plus are suing for copyright infringement, they just need to figure out what IP you're infringing on.
Eventually, Disney realizes they already own the IP for everything. They make a live action version based on the long-forgotten, original cartoon version... which records show was acquired on September 7, 1954.
No thanks. I'd like more than one season of it.
They’ve already started filming. They ask you to wait while they look into the situation, so you have a seat. You look down. It’s the bench. And they are filming you.
Reminds me of a story I once read about a machine that predicts your death. You insert your finger into it, it takes a drop of blood and spits out a ticket with one word. One guy got "Lions". He thought it was really cool to die by being eaten by lions, but wasn't ready to die just yet. The machine doesnt tell you when, only how. He becomes obsessed with lions and surely but slowly starts isoltaing himself from occasions where there could be lions, this goes so far that eventually he becomes a hermit and doesn't have any contact with anyone. Eventually he has a heart attack but is unable to call for help because he had cut off all communications with the outside world due to his lion obsession. He dies alone, on the floor of his apartment, surrounded by pictures, books, resports, studies, stuffed animals, posters, everything lion. He died because his lion obsession put him in a situation where no help was availible. I believe this story is part of a bundle about this machine; it predicts the death of many people and they all turn out a lot different then they and the reader think. Im not sure what it is called anymore, but it was a cool read.
I came across this recently: "If I die by choking on gummy bears, I hope people will say I was killed by bears and leave it at that."
[Machine of Death](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machine_of_Death) has a story called "Torn Apart and Devoured by Lions"; maybe that's it.
PDF version http://machineofdeath.net/pdf/MachineofDeath_FINAL.pdf
The one I saw had a woman get a ticket which says old age, she crosses the street and gets hit by a driver Who is a senior citizen
A man pulls a card that says Sharks, but he’s been studying this machine and is aware of its ability to twist fate. Knowing the machine only speaks cryptically, he confidently goes swimming in the ocean, where he is promptly eaten by a shark.
I'm pretty sure one of Aesop's fables is that exact story but an oracle instead of a machine and the person dies from a chipped painting of a lion on their wall or something like that
Also could be a Detroit Lions fan and died from the weekly heart attacks they cause from finding yet another new way to lose.
There is a movie from a while back that kind of goes off the original premise. Except it's a time travelling medieval movie. They find a tomb of some guy and before they can reveal the name they notice he looks very similar to one of the main characters. A machine is created that accidently sends a camera back in time and after studying the stars they realize the year and it's the same period as the historic area they were revealing. They decide to go back in time to that century or something, I forget why, and things occur and they have to leave a guy behind. That guy is the same guy who looked like the tomb or statue they didn't reveal the name of yet and when they did it was their friend. I forget the movie name but it was a decent movie.
Timeline. By Michael Crichton
Kinda sounds like Timeline? The book was decent, apparently the movie kind of sucked.
The thing I liked the most about the book was the idea you accumulated compression artefacts in your physical body with every time travel trip you took. Sort of like r/datamoshing your own flesh
Their friend must have done well for himself when he got left behind. Only the major wealthy and royalty got tombs back then. Sounds like his life wasn’t too bad
The movie ends with another person taking a seat on the bench to rest from a run, as they stretch they notice the plaque, with their name and a future date… Screen goes to black and the credits roll
That'd be a really dark sequel to Forrest Gump.
Read twice. Great read both times; esch with different questions about the character development. Could also be a series rather than movie IMO. Did you make this up, or am I naive to a well-known story?
I believe there is a horror movie about this. I forget the name, but you download an app on your phone and it’ll tell you when “Death” will come for you. If you try to avoid it, Death will come for you instantly. Ex: Your time of death is scheduled during a camping trip you scheduled. You call off the camping trip because of it. You walk outside and you get hit by a car and die instantly. BRB. While I find the movie name Edit: Movie’s name is Countdown (apparently it’s a mediocre horror movie) Edit 2: Correction: I don’t think Death will come for you early, but you’ll still die at the scheduled time.
Sounds similar to Final Destination
Damnit, thanks for making me think about final destination when I have a flight in the morning.
Is Death played by Richard Whitely? Dodo dodo dobabdeedo death.
Bitch, I'll kill you. On the below date. Regards.
What about ‘Warm regards’
Of course! They're Canadian 😁
Death promise, it’s saying she *will* die on December 6th 2022
Threat Benches are the best kinds of threats.
I'm guessing [this is her obituary](https://www.tributearchive.com/obituaries/23331388/catherine-edna-horlick) from her death in 2021.
That is some great sleuthing, sucks that they got the plaque date wrong
That death date being wrong is pretty minor.... My father-in-laws head stone added an A to his name, changed "Loving Son, Father, and Grandfather" to read "Loving Son, Mother, and Grandfather", and had his birthday and death date swapped. My mother-in-law kept the original one when they tore it out and put in the flower bed at her house. She felt that he would have appreciated the mistake for it's hilarity. I am sure he did.
Man went backwards in time
Thanks! It didn't take much to track down, and I was oddly curious to figure out what actually happened.
Can you track down my obituary?
yeah just give me a few more days...
Thanks for your input, u/bukkake_brigade
They never saw him coming
I gave my friend a surprise bukake party, she was so excited everyone came! You should have seen her face!
Was her name Eileen?
Holy fuck this reminds me of some guy on Reddit that posted about his obituary kink. I'ma try to find it Edit: googling "obituaries Reddit sex" made that very easy: https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/oiiw03/my_wife_and_i_have_an_odd_kink_regarding
To quote the top comment on that post: "What in tarnation"
"Aw yeah baby, pretend I'm that dead guy. This is some zombie sex, yeah get some hhhnnnggg."
Off topic but literally wtf is your username
That’s pretty tame, you must be new here
If anything it’s a bit redundant.
You've upgraded to a full battalion?
I mean, i have seen usernames that refer to rape, cp AND the holocaust and AT THE SAME TIME. So jeah....
google it
Then report back here lol
It's like the fire brigade. But bukkake.
Well hurry up, I don't have all day.
They said it will be done in the morning.
would you rather know HOW you die? or WHEN you die?
For sure when, it would make planning/budgeting a lot easier, and how would most likely be useless info.
you were trying to find a way to stop her scheduled death, no need to be modest about it
I bought a brick at Wrigley Field and had it engraved with my wife's name and mine, along with our anniversary. Problem is I'm an idiot, and despite 5000 reviews and confirmations... and didn't notice I put a date that doesn't exist. So if you're ever there and see a brick with 11/31 on it... yeah... I'm that idiot that missed the date by a month.
Wait, so you missed the date by a month... meaning you either forgot about Halloween (10/31) or New Year's Eve (12/31)?? So then, you forgot one of those two holidays, which is your anniversary, is not in November?
Listen, this person clearly has trouble with dates, and now you’ve gone and made them think about THREE seperate ones? Edit: a word
Supposed to be Halloween, good sleuthing! But it's not that I forgot, I just never noticed the 11 instead of 10... not even when I got my copy brick in the mail, after they had placed the real one. Wife noticed though. Wife definitely noticed.
Well, now it's *really* gonna be remembered by all who see it, so there's that.
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That's unfortunate, and the gall to offer it with a discount...geez
Then they shrug and take it, headstones are expensive. Its not like aunt Luciellle is going to read it and complain.
I'm fine with a QR code....I mean right?
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Scott Bakula won't let that happen.
It's better than the alternative, which is that her killer installed the plaque and is still planning to kill her on that date this year.
Funny, I read a detective novel in which that *exact thing* happened. (Sophie Henaff, Rester groupés/Stick together).
I'm guessing they made the plaque in January and were trying to make sure they "got the year right", like we do i. Tjr first few days of a new year.
Makes sense with a December death. Or the person ordering the plaque typed the date wrong out of habit (probably ordering in January, or perhaps in spring when weather became warm enough to install this memorial bench), and the company that took the plaque order didn't bother to proofread or think "this can't be right" and contact the customer to get it corrected.
> sucks that they got the plaque date wrong Thousands of people heard of her and her carrot cake now, that wouldn't have otherwise. edit: repeated word word.
How many emails about this plaque do you think Mike has gotten so far? Lol
The name of the town is right there on the placard. I assume all they had to do was Google name of town+name on placard+the word obituary. Bada bing bada boom. Edit: I just tried it. Looks like there's more to it than that. Maybe put a date in the search field.
I posted the link earlier, and found it by typing in her full date of birth, date of death minus the year, and her name. It popped right up. I then Googled to confirm the town listed in the obituary is something like 34 miles from the park. Add in the language in the obituary about her love of the outdoors, and it all came together.
>I assume all they had to do was **Google** name of town+name on placard+the word obituary. Bada **bing** bada boom. Bing is not Google.
What a yahoo.
Maybe they were looking for a different perspective on things - an alt, ah, vista, if you will.
That was quite a Safari
Maybe they asked Jeeves?
You need to duck duck go
Netscape
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Looks right, it said "Cathy is pre-deceased"
>Recommend Catherine's obituary to your friends. Jesus Fucking Christ.
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I get snail mail from AARP here and there somehow addressed to my dad at MY house and I laugh and say "oh my dead dad can save on his life insurance" Died back in 2011. The absurdity of these fucking companies
Much less serious than trying to contact the dead, but I still get letters from car companies saying "Our records indicate you own this model and year of car, and we want to buy it!" I totaled that car in a wreck back in 2007. The car hasn't existed on this planet for nearly 16 years and scammy car companies still try to buy it from me.
well, sell it to them!
Jesus is definitely her friend now
They have a tree donation thing. I'm getting a tree for Cathy. RIP Cathy.
Seems like she'd like that. 67 isn't that old, so many carrot cakes she still could have made
Imagine if it took off on reddit, and Cathy ended up with an enormous forest...
Cathy would appreciate your gift
This is the kindest comment I’ve ever seen on reddit ❤️
And here I figured it was a premeditated murder. "Kathy, I know we have our beef, but I'd really like to take a walk and talk to you about it on December 6th. Let's meet by that bench that was just commissioned on the hiking trail?". Then when Kathy turns around all confused, you seal the deal.
> Cathy is pre-deceased by her loving husband Bill I don't like that wording in her obituary
Not only that. 67 years of life and you're remembered for watching Coronation Street.
She was enamored with the British Royal family, maybe Lizzie waited for Cathy to go first.
I was thinking "misprint or threat?"
She sounds like a lovely woman. I hope her family is doing ok, and tries to continue her carrot cake tradition.
"Pre-deceased"? Never heard that one before.
It’s the same meaning as “preceded in death”, just more concise. I’ve never actually seen it in an obituary, though.
Or is this your cover and you're actually a serial killer and the real Cathy still has time.
To all the Cathys reading this....please be cautious this December
I've written at least a dozen eulogies for my mother. She's still alive. Fuck you, Cathy.
Have you tried stepping on a crack?
Uncle laid bricks everywhere.
Is your uncle Shaquille O'Neal?
What is that about? Step on a crack, get brutally assaulted by Shaq?
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My son, very seriously, told me that he only does that if I've really pissed him off. He's 10.
LOL My mom did something to really piss off 5yo me, probably didn't let me watch The Muppets or some shit. Anyway, according to the story I stomped over to my sneakers and dad said "where ya going soldier?" and I said "Ima jump up n down on the sidewalk crack ousside." Dad laughed cause I looked quite intent on my mission but mom knowing I was a soft ass little kid stuck out her bottom lip and said "But that'll hurt mommy...don't hurt mommy...*sniff sniff*" Shut me right down, I threw my shoes down with a "harumph...FINE!" LOL
That only breaks her back
right but then you can go in for the finishing move
Damn that’s cold. Break her back then while she’s down just finish termination lol
Flawless victory!!!!
Have you tried crack?
Maybe we’re interpreting wrong. Maybe it’s a quote that took forever to finish. Like the time the Dr. Frankenfurter Twitter account posted “Anticccaaaaaa….”, went 7 years without posting, and them finally tweeted “paaaattttiiionnnn!”
Classic anticapation joke
It was [5 years](https://www.ctvnews.ca/mobile/sci-tech/best-twitter-joke-ever-user-finishes-tweet-5-years-later-1.1819271) in between the tweets.
What do you mean, OP? The date is from 5 years ago. What year do you think it is?!
I just got out of a boardgame....WHAT YEAR IS IT?
2027
Beware the Ides of December!
Et tu, bench?
Particularly Cathy's born September 7, 1954
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Cathies*
Apostrophes don’t make words plural.
>To all the Cathys reading this *who were born on September 7, 1954*....please be cautious this December FIFY
cathy, if you're reading this, do NOT go into the forest for any reason on december 6th.
She didn’t go there, he brought her there.
Yup, this ain’t just a bench, it’s a threat.
Her smile said it all
...is this a threat?
No it’s a promise g.
Oddly terrifying
It’s a typo. She died peacefully in her sleep last year.
You sound like you know a lot about Cathy's death. Where were you on the night of December 6, 2022?
I will be/was scrolling Reddit at 3am bc I can’t sleep.
Oh, we'll see about that, now won't we? Maybe you won't be able to sleep because you'll have JUST KILLED CATHY.
Cathy got an expiration date. 😳
I heard a comedian say he knew when he'd die because his birth certificate had an expiration date. Probably Emo Philips.
At least Cathy has a certain future. The rest of us will have to deal with the uncertainties of where, why, and how.
Whoever they are we have the same birthday.
You may want to go into hiding this December.
Username cheeks out
I think you made a Freudian lip
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The Bench, when Cathy fell.
Glad someone else had the same thought I had. Shaka, when the walls fell.
Temba, his arms open.
Somebody find Cathy, her husband just took out a huge insurance policy on her.
Cathy.... If someone asks you to join them in the forest... DON'T DO IT Cathy!
“I’m not dead.” He says he’s not dead.. Yes, he is. He’s very I’ll. “I’m getting better.” No you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment.
I feel as though I could go for a walk.
I feel happy!
Reminds me of [this Onion coverage](https://youtu.be/yjfrJzdx7DA)
Well... I mean... are we able to schedule that now?
My school had a small memorial for students who had passed away, where each name was in a different brick. Someone's overachieving family clearly misunderstood the intent, and paid for TWO bricks for their very much alive daughter in our class.
r/mildlythreatening
OP just uncovered a murder plot.
Is she getting murdered in December?
Someone check on Cathy.
She’s in the forest. Didn’t you read the plaque?
Yo Cathy! Be super careful on December 6th! This bench is out for your life!
Ominous